Podcast About List - Ep. 90 - Ooey Gooey Laser Beam

Episode Date: March 4, 2020

this ooey gooey laser beam got my boxers filled to the stuffing   www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist

You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. Podcasts to the model list. You're really crap monster. Hey, everybody's me, Griffin McElroy. I'm here in there now, so I'm running for president. Yeah. Yeah, I'm actually, I'm Justin McElroy, and I'm running for vice president and also his brother. Yeah, now that Pete Buttigieg dropped out, we thought that somebody needed to run who was pretending to be gay for money.

I, Travis. Travis McElroy. Travis, put it down. Travis. Travis, put it down. Battery. Put it down. Travis and this is him now.

Travis. We need the 9 volts for the smoke detector. The weed smoking McElroy brothers. Yeah, that's what they need the smoke detector because they'd be, they He's smoking inside. Yeah. And they turn it on so all the neighbors now they're smoking inside. I'm having a weed party.

I put my smoke protector on something is. You brag. Yeah, and then like you run him in the hallway. You're like, yeah, sorry. I know the smoke alarm keeps going off. You still do it in the voice. It's the macaroids that do that. They are smoking weed in the apartment.

Fuck you, man. Fine. Never mind. You ruined my life right then. I did not. No, do it? Keep going. Keep going.

Do you really want me to? Ignore Justin. Can we have a vote? Who wants me to keep going? Me? Well, you can't vote from the fans. And I am the deciding vote. Patrick's the new guy, so he doesn't count.

True. I'm not the new guy. You're the new guy. I'm not the new guy. New guy on the pod. Fresh blood. That's what I call you. I can smell you.

You smell one day old. You smell like a baby. You smell like a baby's little diaper. You smell like a baby's diaper that Cameron likes to smell. Dude, I'm going to spear you with my ooey-goey laser beam. You're going to melt. Okay. Yeah, you're going to melt.

And you're going to melt into human candy. That's fine. Patrick melts if he touches soda. That's not true. He drank, he drank, was it Baja Blast? Yeah. He drank Baja blast out of a jelly jar with a straw. Whoa.

It didn't have any jelly in the, you know that cup today. From Taco Bell? You know that cup that I have. He poured it out of the bottle out of a plastic bottle. I needed to drink it through a straw because I hurt, because sugar hurts my teeth now. I got to go to the dentist. Maybe you shouldn't be eating sugar then. Yeah, no, I know.

I had a, I, today, like two days ago I found a pack of cigarettes on the ground that had clearly been run over by a car. So I picked them up. And I did not even have a single thought that that was maybe a bad idea until today. And I feel like, how many did you smoke? Huh? How many did you smoke? Nice. Yeah.

There's probably tire stuff on them. Yeah. You know, and I'm just inhaling it. Oh, you got like more dirt. There's more dirt than normal. You got more dirt. Yeah. They're more.

I'm all barreds, though. You know, they're like a nice cigarette. Extra dirt. Yeah. Is more... Can I get the cigarettes with the extra dirt? Yeah. Can you give me the dirtiest cigarette?

It's okay. It has a filter on. It doesn't matter what's in it. It's true. I got that dirty juice in my vase. You know those like filters that Hunter S. Thompson used? You know what? No, I don't...

Like the ones from Fear and Loathing. The white ones? Yeah. Like the white filters that you put on the end of the cigarette. Oh, yeah. Oh, I had them for a little bit. The Pink Panther one. It made me, it made me stop smoking cigarettes.

Because you thought. Why? Because I just watched all the tar build up in. You were wearing fishnets and lounging on the couch with a martini and holding a cigarette holder in two things. And he was like, maybe I should stop smoking cigarettes. I don't like what cigarettes do to me. They turn me into a sexy, sultry little bitch who hates Dalmatians. Yeah.

They turned me into one of the most respected, one of the most respected fashion designers in that book. Corella DeVille. Yeah. Yeah, actually, Corrella DeVille work. You know, she's getting her money. I don't care if she's killing puppies or dogs or whatever they are, those little creatures. She's a boss A-F. She's a boss A-F-B-I-C-T-A.

She's a girl, a girl, Bob. Bicta. She's a girl, Spong-Bikta. She's a G-I-R-L girl with a capital G. That's right. That's right. A capital I as well. And all the letters are capital.

You know what? Fuck it. Every letter's capital. That's how much I appreciate this woman. She's a girl! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, say it for the people in the back. She's a girl. Say it louder for the people in the back. What did you guys have been up to today? Anything fun? I went skateboarding for like an hour and then I rolled my ankle. Nice. Rolled my ankle, didn't realize it.

It's so funny when a cat meows for you to say, what the fuck? As if you forget that you have two crazy loud cats. Yeah. Yeah. It catches you off guard every time somehow. I don't know. I watched two Godzilla movies today.

That's all they did, yeah. Yeah, I had to walk home with the bad ankle. I watch, I don't care about that. Yeah, we're talking about Godzilla. Can you just, hey, new guy, will you push? Son of Godzilla and destroy all monsters. Destroy all monsters. Yeah.

Guess what they do at the end. They don't destroy the monsters. You're correct. They don't destroy any of them. Yeah. Which, is that a Godzilla movie? Yeah, just keep up. Godzilla, destroy all monsters?

What's the turtle one? It's just called Destroy all Monsters. Oh, yeah. Let's watch. Gamera. That one's good, man. Gamera is awesome. That was good.

When does Baby Godzilla come in? Baby Godzilla is in, it first appears in, no, Godzuki's from Hannah-Barbara. That's the one I know. I know, Minilah is in Son of Godzilla. But Baby Godzilla is a different character that's from... I couldn't get into Godzilla. Godzilla versus Mecca Godzilla 2 or something? I watched a couple of them with, or just like a couple of kaiju movies with Cam and the Pierce, and I really liked him.

It's awesome. Not enough to watch them by myself, but they're really fun to watch for people. I don't think I could ever watch them by myself. So much fun. We should watch them. You'd say you'd think you'd cry? No, I'd be too scared. The monsters are too big.

No, it's just they're destroying all the cities. They're even destroying schools in that. And that's kind of cool. But they destroy the people's houses too. They destroy a big building that has a big elevator. Patrick just cries when he sees more than five Japanese people in the same room. He just starts crying and wailing. Yeah.

It's so they always have like one character who's just an, old white guy whose dialogue is very clearly dubbed into Japanese. He's like, why do you cast that guy then? Does he still do that? Like Matthew Broderick? No, it's just like he literally, he's it's like in a dub, you know, where you see it's, he just is saying other

words, he's not speaking Japanese. It's like, why? Nobody, they probably didn't understand him on set, why cast him? Like, if you can't speak Japanese, why is he there? I love, the fun, the best part of that, of those movies is hearing, uh, just Every time Godzilla comes on stage, on stage, on stage.

All the scientists just, like, looking up. I've not seen enough Godzilla movies. That's what I do. That's what I do. It happens in Japanese media. It happens to anime, too. Every time that they see a Godzilla. Every time someone gets surprised, they go, yeah.

Yeah, just like that. And when they come, they go, ah! They go, it's just reverse. They reversed it. Yeah. They flipped it. They flipped it. And they went and they mind freaked it.

Yeah. Yeah, we were watching a lot, Chris Angel. Chris Angel. We started recording. Easily one of the most sexual people who's ever walked this earth. It's weird how like... Just like you, it's, magician's the only job that you can wear a vest with nothing under it. Magician or Green Day.

Those are the two jobs. That's true. It's mostly Green Day. Or the cool librarian. Or the cool. That's true. That's true. The bad boy librarian? Yeah. Yeah. I was like, yeah, you can return the books a day late. I don't even care. Hey, you can be as loud as you fucking won here, man. Who cares? I took the safe search off the computer. That's right. You can go on YouTube now. That's right. Yeah. And if you see a funny video, you send that shit. That's right. No more Freddy the fish. We're playing quake. Yeah. Quake on the computers. All the computers are alienware now. Yeah. It's pretty sick. Yeah, that's right. You know what? The book, the only book we have here? is Ron Swanson's book. Tucker Max meets Ron Swanson, a book I wrote.

We just have all those Bill O'Reilly books about killing the presidents. That's the only fucking book in this place. Strategy Guy. And Maddie Matheson's cookbook, Word, and the strategy guide to Spore. Yeah. In case you want to play Spore. Which I preloaded the Galactic edition of Spore on all the computers. And we have World War Z.

You can cheat forward into this space stage instantly. We replaced all the nonfiction books with... Fiction books. We replaced all the nonfiction books with DVDs and all the fiction books with computer games. Yeah. And all the, and the floor. Pretty much is a GameStop now. Yeah, you have to pay.

We're GameStop, but we have DVDs now. Yeah, that's right. GameStop, movie stop. Yeah, we got computers in the store and we got guys who jack off on them. Hell yeah. Yeah, and a printer. Yep. We have an Epson LaserJad.

Yeah, and you get a card with a number on it. Mm-hmm. That you pay for stuff with. Yeah. Because we're also a bank. We're also the bank. That's right. I'm the bad boy librarian.

Yeah, I just do all that stuff. Yeah, my name's Kratom. Nice to meet you. Kratom, the bad boy librarian. Dr. Kratum. Dr. Kratum. No relation to the drug. No relation to the other Dr. Kratum.

No relation to Dr. Kratum, but I am related to Dr. Sabie. Yeah. Yeah. We have all Dr. Seby's 5,000 books that he wrote. That's pretty much the only thing in the library. I don't know anything. about Dr. Sebi. I just assume he's like Dr. Brunner. No. Yeah. Yeah. He was, yeah, he's like if Dr. Brunner added like two more things to the soap,

but the things were like it washes away HIV and it cures cancer. That's kind of what he was. But I think it's like... So it's just, so being a doctor is all about getting soap. Being a doc, yes. It's mostly a soap based job. Yeah. Do you think Dr. Sebi had... That's why they do that thing with their hands. Wash them. They, would they stand there and they're like, oh, I'm sterile, and they can't, because they can't have a kid. That's why they put their hands up. They're like, while you're asleep, I'm not going to fuck you. I can't have kids.

I can't have any kids. Yeah. Yeah. Dr. Seby, I think his thing was like, I don't know, horsing around. Oursing around. No, I think we talked about this. He thought like, he thought like HIV could be cured by like the power of music or something. Oh, really?

Yeah. That's pretty sick. Yeah, power of music, good vibes. And, uh... Good wine. Good wine. And so they killed Nipsey Hustle. They put a bullet through his brain because they thought, uh, how he's going to tell the world.

We've talked about Dr. Seby so much. It's funny that we've talked about him so many times and never once have we gone to look at what he actually. We just think it's a funny name. Right. That's most of it. He's probably just like a good guy. I don't think he's like a good guy. I think any doctor that you know the name of is probably not a good person.

That's true. Yeah. Because then it's like, like, what is like Dr. Eugene Goose. Dr. Phil's good. Dr. Eugene Gou, Dr. Corvorkian, Dr. Mangola. Dr. Acula. That's the worst one.

Yeah, he's scary. It's not the worst one. Doctor Who? Yeah. Dr. Evil? Dr. Evil? That's a layup. We knew from day one, that was a bad guy. Well, yeah, but then he turns around.

And you say, damn, look at that fat old ass. Yeah. Well, yeah, but now, Scott. evil is the bad one so oh dr scott scott evil terrifying dr browner is probably evil dr browner is good you can't put

that many numbers into one number without having some kind of deal with a dark beast or a devil it's true and that soap I got that soap on my asshole you ever notice how it says 666 and one on the bottle how about this we started a new shoe shampoo soap shampoo shampoo 100 one 337 and one Oh, okay. Yeah, those are shampoo for gamers. You can clean your computer with this shank.

If you put enough water in it, it turns into goo, and then you can do, like, a swipe of your keyboard and then you put goo on your friend. Dr. Mario. You can't put goo on your friend. And if you drink it, it's a, it's a stim. It's a stem pack. Yeah. And it makes you way better.

Your health bar goes up. I wish it people had health board. You can overheal with our special goo. That's true. You can get Super Shield. Yeah. Over shield from HALO. You can go.

Uber charge medic TF2 mode Yeah We turn it into a red Crystal You turn to a red Blood monster What is it supposed

to look like Like always thought it I feel like a crystal Supercharge I think it's red supercharged energy But that's just the scientist In me speaking It's blood

Who knows It's extra blood I think it's extra blood energy Yeah It's definitely some sort of energy Shell machine Would you guys drink a bong If it was real?

Yeah Yeah absolutely Would you? Yeah, I would I would drink pretty much anything if it was real. Would you fuck the flubber guys if they asked you to? If they really wanted it. Yeah.

Yeah. Really? If they helped me with basketball. You notice I said guys. If they helped me with basketball. They wanted to help you with basketball? Anything to get me into the NBA. What do you think for all of us?

When do you think we would have had to start training to get into the NBA? For me? I could start training tomorrow and get in in three days. Okay, let's do it We'll record your journey If I train it for 16 years Starting tomorrow I could get into the G-League

You think so? I could play for the main lobster red claws The main lobster red claws They're called the main red claws That's not a G-League team is it? Yeah, it is The Gatorade League? The main red claws, it's a team

Is that the Boston G-League? I think so. The main Red Clause? Yeah, they have a lobster as their mascot? Yeah, like a main Lobster. That's funny.

It used to be the D-League. If I started training the second I was born, I would be in the NBA by month one. Month one of your life? Yeah. You have to graduate, if to do a year of college. I would have done it already. Well, that's awesome. That was before they changed the rule.

I would actually, they're going to change it back. They're going to have done a 128 online credits within a week of being born. Wow. Yeah. That's impressive. Yeah, it's all rollover for my kids. It's all just, I just guess. It's all roll over minutes.

I just guess on all the multiple choice tests, and I just get, I have to go through a lot of reincarnations before this pans out for me. It's like the monkey writing Shakespeare thing. Yeah, eventually I can be a one-year-old in the NBA, or one-month-old, I mean. Yeah, I guess you're right. Wow, the main red clause, what a terrible logo. Yeah, it does look like a Freddie the Fish thing.

I think that might be their updated logo. That's still bad. He has basketballs for antennas. Yeah. That doesn't make sense. It's because he loves to. the scents basketball. Yeah, the Celtics complete the purchase of the main Red Clause.

It's on Bangor News Daily. Oh, that's huge. That's, congrats, Stephen King. Stephen King, that's huge, man. Yeah, this is big for Stephen King. The manager of the Red Clause. Stephen King, or Joe Hill is the manager of the Red Clause. Yeah, well, no, Joe Hill is on the team.

Joe Hill is the... Yeah, I know. The ref. Yeah, I know. I know that. I know that. I knew that already. I knew that before you were.

going to say it because i have a premonition like stranger things by stephen king all right steve and king steve and king yeah i one time saw the coach of the celtics brad stevens in uh the boston common coffee company downtown and i was with neil and he was like on his computer like two tables down and i was i told me i was like that's the coach of the the celtics he was like whoa and uh we're like what do you think he's doing and uh i was just like probably something And then I started typing on my computer. I'd be like, basketball, basketball, basketball, like really loudly. And we just kept doing that.

And then he laughed. He like stormed out of the coffee shop. It was so funny. Damn. Yeah. Nice. Sorry, Brad, if you're listening. That was a really gross swallow of water.

Fuck you. You want me to do it more? You can do it more. Rock. That's going to sound good. That's going to sound good. Water makes Caleb burp. No, it doesn't.

Water makes me go crazy. Water makes me. I get too much water in me. I go wild. I start spraying pee everywhere. Yeah. I spray it clear your BP stream. I spray it clear like perfume. I could dodge either of you. Piss. No. No. I pee in a cloud.

I pee paper. I can dodge it. No. Placic bag. I pee a big. I would heat it up with a hair dryer while I walk towards it. Yeah. I pee the mist from the mist by Stephen King by Stranger Things. But there's nothing in it. It's just mist.

No, there's a thousand monsters that come out of my pee. All right. What about Stephen King's The Pist? And he's fucking mad. And he's really angry. Yeah. Yeah. I'm Stephen King.

I'm pissed. The mist is the one with the mist. Yeah, the mist is in that, right? Stephen King's the mask. The Mists is in what? The Mist. The Mist is in the Mists? Yeah, they have the Mists in that movie.

Yeah. Only role. Yeah. Yeah. Never did another movie. Well, they... I guess it did like... They did use the Mists for the Fog.

They also used the Mists for the Fog. The Mist appeared in... Is the Fog? the one with Mark Wahlberg? No. No. That's the happening. The happening. The happening scared the fuck got to me as a kid.

I saw the happening when I was like, when I was like 10 years old or whenever that movie came out. And I was watching it and there's a, there's a scene where like the guys start like jumping in a wood chippers and shit. What is happening? Oh my God, what is happening? I turned, I looked out of my window like right as that scene was on and somebody had just started a wood chipper. Whoa. Yeah, it was just like terrible timing for a kid to be watching. Yeah. Also, I shouldn't have been watching that movie. I'll say it. Yeah. Thanks, Mom.

Isn't Zoe DeCinell played Mark Wahlberg's wife in that? Zoe Dishnell plays Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, it's a bad role. Oh my God. Oh, my God, I'm from Dorchester. She's from Dorchester? Okay. No, Mark Wahlberg. This is Zoe Dachian. Got it. Got it. Take me a second. I had to process it. I'm on a lag. I'm on lag today. Yeah. I'm lagging behind a little bit. Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Vietnamese, man. Oh, sorry. Sorry, I bumped into you. Yeah. She just has a meat cute.

She broke a ukulele on the back of his head. I'm sorry. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Sometimes I space out. Yeah. What kind of list we're fucking with today?

This is the top ten. Yo mama. What the hell? Top ten, yo mama. You bet. And that's the episode. So thank you all, good night. I take it back.

Thank you. I'm sorry. This is the top 10 funny things of Magic 8 ball should say. You just spilled that. I suck at drinking water, dude. I always have. I always spill it all of myself. Like the last three times I've done like a paid spot.

Right before I go on stage, I'll like have a glass of water and I will just spill some of it. So I have to be, I'm on stage and I have like water all over my shirt. It sucks, dude. It's pretty good. I just, I fuck it up every single time. almost. The list. Yeah, it's a funny-ass bullshit list to the...

Oh, really? This is some funny-ass bullshit. You know what I love. Oh, wait, I want to do a list shout-out. Someone sent us a list that... It doesn't have enough, like, stuff on it to do, but I want to do... Mr. Say Uncle on Twitter sent us this list,

creepiest names to give a kid. And it's just kind of... It's like Satanic Lucifer, Lucifer Demon, that kind of stuff. But the last one is Joker Clayface. Wait. Yeah, number 13 is Sprite Coke. That is so creepy.

Yeah, honestly. You meet a kid named Sprite Coke. Hey, Sprite. I imagine, yeah. Sprite Coke is the name of like a DIY scene rapist though, for sure. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, I'm Sprite Coke.

But yeah, imagine like, first you meet someone named Sprite and you're like, oh, that's weird. And then just the absolute horror when you learn their last name is also Coke. Yeah, when you see them sign for like the tip on set. Yeah, you know, it would be worse. You know, it would be worse. You see. so you learn that their last name. It would be worse.

Dr. Pepper Pepsi. That would be. You learn, so you go, you find out their name is Sprite Coke, right? And then you look at the receipt, and it says Sprite Coke Jr. Oh, my God. That's terrifying. A horror story in six words. Sprite Coke Jr.

What about a guy named? Fuck you, fuck you, Ernest Hemingway. I wrote a sadder story in three words. Sprite Coke Jr. Speaking of names, me and a friend were watching the Great British Bake Off. Maybe I've said this before. We were watching the Great British Bake Off. Have you seen that show at all?

There's a guy on that show, his name is Paul Hollywood. Yeah. Right? And we were like, oh, that's such a funny name. I wonder what his real name is. And we looked it up, and his real name is Paul Hollywood. His real name is Paul Hollywood. That's funny.

The best part is his father's name is John F. Hollywood. John F. John Fitzgerald Hollywood So fucking crazy And he's from like You know Leeds or whatever Yeah

Yeah Anyway, let's go to the Magic A ball list Now I'm just thinking John F Hollywood John F Hollywood is such a good Some guy like just talking like JFK

About Hollywood That I mean that's just like the Like if I We need better parking At the trade of Joe's If I If that was like the first day Of me is like a spot

and like someone asked me my name, I would panic and say, John F. Hollywood. John F. Hollywood. Sir, what name are you checking into the hotel under? John F. Hollywood. Caleb, John F. Yeah. Caleb Hollywood. Yeah.

Mr. Spy? Yeah, the spy who shagged me. No, it doesn't mean. I guess the name Johnny Depp used to sign into hotels under was Mr. Donkey P penis. That's covert. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have a Mr. Donkey.

penis staying at your hotel? Yes. Can you imagine that you're working at the Marriott and Johnny Depp walks in? And he's like, you're like, oh, are you Johnny Depp? He's like, no, I'm Mr. Donkey Beans. I have a reservation under Mr. Donkey Penis. Yeah, I'm going to need 100 candy bars, just charge of the room. Yeah.

And could you put some creepy lighting in there? Yeah, could you put like a... I need you to put up a vampire. I need you to put up Chryskel lantern in my room. I want you to make the towel look like a functioning jackal antinue. Yeah, please put a candle. I want black lights in the shower. I'm serious, yeah.

And I need a bunch of makeup to cover up and my wife hates me in the face. Yeah. Can I have 100 monsters living under the bed? Yeah, can I get a working gremlin? I want 3,000. I get a workable gremlin. Yeah, I get a functional gremlin. Can I get a ghost I can fuck?

Sexual ghost. It just can be just a boner under a sheet. I don't. can i can i get a sheet with the holes in it so i can pretend to be a ghost whoa that nobody knows who i really am mr donkey penis my real name my real identity mr donkey penis yeah yeah yeah you have to show id right yeah so that means you had to have some fake id made that says i'm sure that if you're famous they'll just let you do that yeah whoa okay donald trump i'm sure yeah this is cameron's gotcha moment yeah if you're famous they'll let you do

do it. They'll let you be named Mr. Donkey penis. Yeah, they just let you do anything when you're famous. Like be named Mr. donkey penis.

Yeah, they will, dude, they will. It's so funny that that happened and it was like fine for him. Yeah. It's just unshakable, dude.

Yeah. Pretty great. That video you sent of him, uh, when someone says he's, he's up, yeah, it's like,

uh, it was a diamond and silk thing? Yeah, diamond and soak. Yeah, it was like a, it was like a black history month event. And,

uh, they were like, Mr. Trump, you're the first black president. And he was like, yeah, yeah. Everybody's like that. He does like finger guns at the guy. Yeah, yeah. It's so funny. Yeah, that's not what he thinks black people do.

Yeah. He's like, what does a black guy do? This. Yeah. I've seen the wire. All right. Top 10 funny things of Magic A ball should say by Puga. Puga.

Puga. Puga. Puga. Puga. It's terrifying. Puga. Keep going. Remember.

I hit something. Puga. It's not a... I'm giving up on it. Puga. Puga. Puga. Puga.

Puga. Puga. There we go. It needed the Jabba. The Jabba thing. Top ten funny things Jabba could say. Oh, that's a good. Let's look up that.

Let's make that up right now. All right. Okay, that's one. Yeah. That's one. Yeah, he smokes weed. I need to borrow your car I would not let Jabba the Hut bar

my car dude he would ruin the suspension Listen buddy I just need to sit in the passenger seat I won't drive the car That's okay, that's three That's three He could say poop

We won't say that one Yeah I don't want to It'd be too strong My blood sugar is low That's okay, that's fine Nice Do you have any crackers or juice because my blood sugar is low.

That's him doing a cameo on shrill. It's still part of five. It feels like we're avoiding doing this list. It feels like we're dancing around it. All right, Duvon. You don't want to finish the job list? Everyone's going to be angry at you for cutting off the job list. I'm sorry I said anything.

I just saw a magical phenomenon. Okay, there we go. That's six. All right. I spoke to you so. Here's number seven. I just saw another one. Okay, that's seven.

Yeah. The charcutory board was amazing, Deborah. You really outdid yourself this year. You sound like Danny Trejo. Yeah. Oh, I got the virus, guys. I just saw the luggy in your mouth. I saw a big green jop in you.

That's the jett's the job. You just cough the job of that's what you can't do the voice. Two more. Two more? Two more javas. Donald Trump. You can say Donald Trump. Donald Trump.

I don't know how to do the voice. You need to reset the modem. Yeah. All right. That's 10. Yeah. Nobody will be mad that we didn't finish that in the list. I'm glad we finished that one up.

Yeah. Yeah. It was all worth it. In the end, everything's worth it. Okay. So remember when you had that crush. And you turn, Patrick remembers when he had that crush. Remember when you had that crush?

No. And you turned to your magic eight ball to see if he liked you back? Whoa. What if it said one of these things? Yeah, so this is a list for Patrick mostly. Yeah. Number one. Who is your guy crush?

Yeah, who's your guy crush? Not exist. Who's your man crush growing up? He's a tall guy. Well, he's an elf. Non-exist. Non-exist. Mm-hmm.

Who is your guy crush? Mike condolences. Mike condolences. Mike. Mike condolences. That's pretty good, man. That's a Bart Simpson Heywood Jablomi

Yeah, mine was Suck up my pino Yeah Sug onto Suck on to my dog Suck onto my dog's penis Yeah Yeah

When Kevin Gates Told that Did that thing Where he made the woman Suck his dog's penis Yeah Kevin Gates is I remember you're telling me about that

Dude that's a great video He's just He's just like talking to the camera And he's like I had this bitch over here earlier Right you're me And I told her, if you don't fucking suck my dog dick, you're out of here. Do you think you just made his friend?

No. He clarifies. He says, he says, oh, yeah, he says, I don't mean my friend. I mean my dog's Red Rocket. No, no, no, no. He's, he's like, that's man's best friend. Oh, man. Yeah.

And then he has another thing in his over under for pitchfork. They, they ask him about, like, licking the inside of, or his dog licking inside of his mouth and he's like ain't no dick clean it in my dog mouth I love him dude anyway his crush is his dog yeah yeah number one is I'm literally a ball filled with water and triangles in it what are you expecting the answer to life get a job yeah we need sort of a sardonic

like Bill Maher yeah type you shake the ball and then it's just the Republicans I'm here to smoke weed Yeah Yeah You shake the ball It says It's time to smoke wheat

Yeah Wow I need that in my life I need that Imagine Imagine a world With no With no religion

And everyone smoked weed Perfect Yeah That's heaven to me I don't have a magic A ball That's heaven to this atheist Mm-hmm

Oh shit Yeah Yeah Um, uh, but, uh, you, uh, we're doing job again. No, I'm doing you. That's what you sound like. That's what I sound like. Next.

Besides the triangle part, isn't that what people's mom say when the turn 20 and still live in their basement? Can you not read? I can't read from this anymore. Can you not read? You're not reading. I was letting you guys read because I always read all of them. You got approve, prove you wrong. Patrick went to.

go wash his eyes out. Why? Well, wait, I want to go back to that comment. Beside the triangle part, isn't that what people's mom say when they turn 20 and still live in their basement? So without the triangle part, it's I'm literally a ball filled with water. What are you expecting the answer to life get a job? That's what people's moms freak and say. This comment is completely ridiculous and unprecedented, unwarranted.

I'd like the commenter of this comment to come forward, denounce the comment, remove themselves from the website, and come on the podcast in order for us to do be. cocky on to them. You just proved him wrong atheist style, dude. You just went Bill Martin. You went you went, TJ Amazing Atheist on him. You just went T.J. Miller on him, dude. Or you're about to. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? You went T.J. whatever his last name is, and you poured hot oil on his penis. Oh, geez. Listen to this comment from Pet Sounds. Whoa. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, this is by Brian Wilson. Oh, yeah. I used the apeal and daisies on so many crushes back in the day. I wouldn't take no for an answer either.

Oh. Whoa. No. No. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's not that bad. I'm sure, yeah, I know what he means. Yeah, I wouldn't take no for an answer from the eight ball. Yeah, okay. Yeah, not the women. But it worded pretty badly.

Yeah. I think he worded great. You guys are overreacting. I don't think so. I think we need to call the answer. That's better. Yeah. That is a better reason.

This made me nearly cram my pants. Which one is that? I don't know if that's, it could be pee. I bet he meant crap and he missed type. Well, that's so far away on the keyboard, though, yeah. Maybe cram my pants. Cream? Yeah, is it cream?

Is it cream or crap? But why would that make you come from reading that? Just thinking about the eight ball. Yeah, well, not even, yeah. Eight balls round like a boob. Water and triangle, because the boobs is water with triangles in it. Oh, that's why the moms say that. Yeah, because they...

And that's why you cram because you're thinking about your mom. Yeah, and her triangles. Yeah. Yeah. My mom is modeled like a RuneScape character. Crammed. Maybe he got a boner and his pants got crammed.

They got two old. He got some cram in his pants. Maybe that, maybe he meant to say cramp his pants. Yeah. And he's trying to combine. What about cream? Maybe he was saying, no, I don't think that was it. Maybe he was saying, he was, maybe he said he was,

trying to say, uh, ramp my pants and he added the sea at the beginning. He's trying to skate his pants. Cram his pants. Cray. He rammed into his pants. Crabe. Maybe he's trying to say, crebe. Yeah.

What's crabe? Isn't it something he does? Yeah. It's probably something he knows. Maybe he was trying to say wash his pants. Oh, that's a really good idea. It could be that. Wash or rinse.

He also didn't do it. He got, but he got near. He nearly, he nearly, he nearly, he nearly, he nearly, crammed his pants. I nearly crammed my pants. Number two. You have a therapist for this. No, I don't.

And then the comments are, there's one that says, mind readers. A guy who thinks a therapist is a mind reader. Yeah. Well. Get out of my head. Walks into the office.

Well, well. Well, what do I know? What's the solution? What's wrong? Yeah, what's wrong with me? You already know what's wrong. God, why am I even here? You already know it.

everything yeah yeah they're scary they're too powerful yeah um number three just play charlie charlie yeah let's play charlie charlie what is that right now that's a game where you summon a demon oh and the demon's name is charlie charlie charlie yeah it's or like a ghost of a little boy wait you might need like paper and pencil let me go i don't need that look up charlie charlie charlie digital charlie charlie digital charlie look up charlie the unicorn let's watch that instead yeah let's watch film cow. The Charlie Charlie Challenge from Skeptical Inquirer.org.

Oh, I bet this is this is going to have a slant to it. Oh, you got to do this. Charlie, can we play? This simple question, and two pencils put on a cross drawn on a piece of paper should allow you to evoke the spirit of a child or even a demon.

This is the latest web craze known as the Charlie Charlie Challenge. Perhaps dating back to an ancient Mexican tradition. Charlie. Charlie. Nah, the goes of the Charlie. I'm Charlie

El pencil You do this And then the pencil moves This is such a long art Can we play? Yeah, I know This article is written by Massimo Palladoro The Investigator of the Paranormal

Author, Lecture, and co-founder And Head of Kickap The Italian Skeptics Group Whoa, I gotta join that Oh, is that okay I need that Skeptical card They have a game on Congregate

called Charlie Charlie Jump Scare Challenge Don't put Jump Scare in the name of the fucking game Everybody's gonna know you dumbass That's called the maze game

Bubble Wrapped Mary Yeah Charlie Charlie Pencil.com Pencil game from scary for kids.com Yeah You're scary for kids Yeah you are

Because it's closer to Charlie No but you're You're scary To kids Chuck Pitts Don't ever call me Chuck Chuck Can we start calling me Mike?

Whoa Charlie My name is Michael Mike Pitts If you could start going by your middle name, we're both going by our middle names. Yeah. We have the spoiled. Edward.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Edward. What's the rest of this episode? Mike and two Edwards? Yeah. That's a good.

Good morning zoo radio show. Better name for the show. Mike and two Edwards. Mike and two Edwards. You, yeah. Mike in the middle. Oh, my. Mike in the middle of two Edwards.

Yeah, Mike in the middle and then the parentheses of two Edwards. Okay. I'll be in the middle. No. And it's Mike in the middle because it's the middle names. Because we fuck it. Oh, Mike and the Middles. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. We're the Middles. And we're both Edward Middle. Yeah. Edward Middle. We're both changing our name to Edward Middle. You know what? And you're just Mike.

You know what? Fuck it. I'm going to change my middle name to Edward. No. And now this show's called three Edwards. No, that's bad. Yeah. Three Edwards.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You stay Mike, okay? Okay. Two Eds are better than one in the middle. But I'm Mike. But I'm Mike. Two Eds are better than one Mike in the middle. Like two.

Michael in the middle. Michaelm in the... Two Eds are better than one, Michael, and the middle. I'll combine Michael and Caleb to Mikelip, and then it sounds better. Wait, wait. No, Mickelope. Mickelope in the middle. With two Eds.

Who are better than one. Who are better than one. Then one is in the middle. Than one who's in the middle. And it's because it's their middle names. Yeah. What about the name show? What about the man show?

Because we're three guys. Because we're three guys. Yeah. Three guys in their middle names. Yeah. What about two and a half men? Right? What about two and a half Viet men?

What about friends? No, that wouldn't make any sense. All right. Because I hate you guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. As a producer of that show, is it?

Who's the producer of that show? The Emerson guy. Bill Cosby. Mm-hmm. Yeah. He's a Bill Cosby. Is he? I don't know.

What about Chill Cosby? Wow. Yeah, and we rehabilitate him. What about Trill Cosby? Trill Cosby, and he's a sound cloud rapper. Yeah, he's maybe like a cool grill on. Yeah. Grill Cosby?

Grill Cosby. And he's white like Paul Wall. And he's got the meats. Mm-hmm. Garvys. Yeah, grill Cosby. Yeah. Yeah, and he's just cooking up some steak.

Is Paul Wall white? Huh? It's Paul Wall white? Yeah. Paul Wall When I was a kid I thought he's Chinese I just saw Yeah

I mean kind of you know You can imagine why right I thought it was like Like I thought Paul Wall Was a Chinese name I guess that makes a little bit of sense That was like POL WOL or something Okay imagine this right

Yeah Bill Cosby's in prison Okay Someone throws a chicken sandwich at him Nice He catches it with his mouth. It bounces off him ineffectually, first of all. His eyes turn red.

His white eye that he has. Excuse me. Mr. Doran. He's doing something. He's doing something to gozboz Cosby. Oh, now I'm listening. Oh, now we're Edwards now. Patrick Edward Doran, do not speak when I am speaking to you.

His eyes turn red. His hand flips open to reveal a machine gun, laser gun, Owee-Gooey-Gooey-Lasher Blaster. His... I think that's... It starts beeping.

Okay. Kill Cosby. The evil robot. Oh my God. What about Pill Cosby and he takes an ibuprofen? That's better. That's way better.

Yeah. How about this? How about he gets out of jail, right? And we do so... And we take out his weird eye. No, no, no, he gets out of jail, right? He comes to us. At this time, we're...

Does he have glauoma? shut up? Oh, my God. Shut the fuck up. I just wanted to know. Yes, he has glaucoma. Is that bad? Is that, how funny was that?

No, I just wanted to know. He has glaucoma. You shut up. I didn't want to know. Okay. You're in Edward mode right now, and I don't like it. Edward moment. So, Bill Cosby gets out of jail.

Comes to us. This is like, you know, 10 years from now or whatever. I don't know how long he's in jail for. He should be in jail, 10 years maximum, in my opinion. But anyway, he comes to us. Okay, he comes to us. At the time, we will be producers at NBC.

Okay, all three of us. You know, we'll be huge money-making and money-fucking money-makers, right? We produce the biggest shows on TV. We produce toddlers in bikinis. No, not that. That's a different... That was your...

That was your idea. That was all Caleb's show. We produced women, women with huge cans, too, and the third one. And we produce SpongeBob reboot. Okay? So we're... Spongob meets Star Wars.

No Squidward. No Squidward. No Squidward and the reboot. Potter meets Battled Star Galactica. And Halo TV. And Halo TV show. So they come to us, or he comes to us, right? And he's like, listen, y'all, I've been...

Why are you giving him that voice? Because now he sounds like this, because prison made him normal. He said, listen, y'all, I'm different now. Okay, I'm different, but you know what, but I'm still the same bill, right? So they, so we say, you know what, man, fine. We'll give you a new TV show. It's called the Bill Cosby Show. No.

It's called the Steal. Still Cosby's show. Okay. And you have to remain completely still on screen and make sure you don't go after any So he does like the face at the beginning of the show, but then he gets stuck like that for the rest. He doesn't move an inch. If the rest of the show is 22 minutes of him just going like... No, the whole show is he gets put in a room, right, and he can't move, and we line up all his victims

and then come and do whatever they want, and he can't move. So they can beat this shit out of them. They can crap on it. Well, it's a hypothetical, Patrick. No, it's not. It's happening. I sent him a letter He's gonna be here in five seconds

Not five seconds He's fucking old He's slow Wait hold on There's somebody at the door I'll go get it Do not Do not let Bill Cosby in my house

If that's who I think it is I don't know who it is It could be pizza I didn't order a pizza Have you ever never heard of the pizza prank You fucking idiot I'm gonna open the door Don't open the door

Just open it a little bit Don't open it big enough for anyone to get in Oh my God You gotta oil your door Oh my god You let six Bill Cosby sit here I don't see anybody Yeah nobody

Are you seeing things again Patrick? Yeah You should lie down for a while Put your glasses Put your glasses It's just one Bill Cosby It's just one I'm wearing my six glasses

Yeah he has six vision Yeah Oh my God he's making a sandwich What kind of sandwich He should say anything Don't touch my meats What was that? What was that?

What the fuck? That's a tuna sandwich. He's making a tuna sandwich and you're like... He brought that from his house. He brought the ingredients. Did you bring the ingredients separately? Yes. Why?

I'm hungry. I guess that's a fair reason. I'm hungry. Yeah, I got that. What are you touching in there? New fridge. Are you, are you giving me a tuna sandwich? Yeah, for later.

You're not even going to eat it. I already ate. You already ate. You're hungry. You said you were hungry earlier. What the hell? I'm a famous liar. I guess that is true.

He's a famous liar. He is a famous liar. He is a pretty deceitful guy. You should probably get that guy out of your fridge. I don't even... What if that's a can of chicken, not too? Is that chicken or tuna? The same thing.

They're not the same thing. They're not the same thing. They're not the same meat. It's not the same meat. It's completely different. It's on the sandwich now. It's a good point. Nothing you can do.

It's on the sandwich. What's on the sandwich? The chicken. A tuna. You said the chicken. I don't know. Can you read? What does it say on the can?

Tudor. Okay. I think he might be lying. It's a yellow can. Tuna comes in a blue can. Why is there a chicken on the can? It's the chicken of the sea. It's a good point.

It does have a good point there. It is the chicken in the sea. Yeah. Yeah. So you're just going to hang out there for the rest of the episode? No. Where are you going to go? Bad school.

Why? I don't know. What school? Temple, University, your alma mater? University of Phoenix. You're going to University of Phoenix? For what? That's on the computer.

Are you going to stay on the computer in my kitchen? Yes. All right. I just don't, I don't touch my... Yeah, you'll have... You all have fun. All right. All right.

Yeah. Let us know if we're being too loud. if you need to study. You're good, boys. Oh, thank you. Yeah. He's actually a pretty nice guy once you get to know him.

Yeah, he's probably... Wait, no. No, he's not. He's like the worst guy ever, right? Yeah. What's the next number on the list? We're at 44 minutes. This is one of the most schizophrenic episodes

you've ever done. Number four is, you were expecting me to say yes or no, weren't you? Surprised you, haven't I? Is that Yoda? What is that Yoda? What is that, Yoda?

Magic Yoda ball. The magic Yoda ball that says, do or do not, I am the Yoda ball. Yoda Cosby. I'm just going to leave it at that. Yeah. Yeah. How about Yoda Kotby? And he hosts the Today Show.

What about, like Hoda Kotby? Nope. It's Hoda Kotby? Hoda Kotby. Yodakot. Okay. Now you're catching up. Yeah.

Sorry, I'm a mile a minute, it faster than you guys. The fastest pace. I got fast today again. You got fast today? Yeah, I got really fast on the way here. Kind of like last episode where I was super fast. I got pretty fast on the way here. Yeah.

I'm slow. I'm pretty fast. I had a Marlboro Red to Coke Zero and a tuna salad sandwich. I hope we get to... You ate Bill Cosby's tuna salad sandwich. He's going to be pissed. No, I didn't eat his, dude. You ate Bill Cosby's sandwich.

Unless he makes the set... Hey, did he eat your sandwich? Yes. Shut the fuck. I will fuck it. I will fuck you. I don't like it. Oh, my God.

Yeah. The sparks are flying. I'm going to fuck you, bitch. No Yeah, we watch out What? What do you mean? This is good, dude

The people have been asking for this Yeah, we get a thousand DMs a day saying Can you? Will you do the Cosby thing again? Will you please assault Bill Cosby? They say, yeah, no problem. I'll do it. I'm a hero.

I'm gonna get sent to the same jail as him And on day one, I'm going to throw another chicken patty at him. Nice. I'm going to eat the chicken patty off his face. They're going to let me do that. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to go there, and I'm going to bring him a bunch of homework to do, his punishment.

That's what he's doing right now. I'm going to find his secret stash, and I'm going to eat it, whatever it is. Candy. I don't know what it is. I bet he has the worst taste in candy. Yeah, I bet he'd be... He's only candy, he likes his quailutes. He eats...

Spanish fly, that's what he likes. That's his favorite candy. Dust bunny. He eats dust bunnies. He says, this is candy to me, but it's dust, yeah. Yeah. Damn. His eye looks like that.

A bug ball. I know it's disgusting I don't know why he likes it The very idea of a bug ball is making him want to hurl Is it imagine it rolling around I'm gonna ralphed you better shut the hell up Getting pretty close to fucking spewing when you talk about a bug ball

And not in the way that that sounds Yeah you're gonna spew I'm not gonna scum my pants because I think about a bug Dude you're gonna throw cram right out of your thing o'lingy You like to fuck a bug No well I have been no He fucks a bug

To fuck a bug I mean, if it's a sexy-ass little bug. Yeah, a big, if it's a tight little thing. A bug in a bikini? Yeah. Okay, you tell me a bug in a bikini? If it's a... The bugs-like bug did have a tiny little waist

and a big, fat-ass. Insectsaurus, from Monsters v. Aliens, but really small. The Monsters v. aliens, the big bitch, I'll say it. I would have beat it. That did sound just like a gunshot outside. It probably was. man. You, yeah,

it's pretty much the most dangerous I pretty much live in the hood. Patrick lives in the favelas of Boston. Now they're going to triangulate your position

because they know you live in the hood. Yo, Hood Patrick? Pat in the hood? That's an account. Let's get it. Somebody make the account Hood Patrick.

Please make it at Hood Patrick. At ghetto Patrick. And the display name is dat gangsta Patrick. Yeah. Just please do not say it. I can't. I'm looking for jobs right now.

Yeah, I can't have my. name associated with that. Yeah, the name Patrick. Yeah. Every time you apply for a job, they can go, Patrick. Yeah. Gangsta Patrick.

They just get a bunch of gangsta Patrick Star, like big t-shirts. And they're like, this guy has a whole other life. He's not telling us a bit. Yeah, they pull up ghetto Patrick Star. And it's like, why did you tweet this? All right. Number five is ask your mother. Lame.

Yeah. Number six. Stop asking who let the dogs out already I would never ask a magic eight ball I would just listen to the song To find the epic eight ball This is one of the stupidest lists I've ever seen But it doesn't even matter

Because we're having fun right Yeah It makes me dizzy how much fun we're having Me too It makes me blast off into my mind You should take a nap I've been telling you for a while I think you should nap

I wish we could record earlier You've been throwing a temper tantrum all day I've not been throwing a temper tantrum all day You've been walking around begging for candy I've been walking around bopping you guys on the head. He's been hitting his, like, he's been putting his arm straight and hitting his fist to

his sides, and he's going, I don't why I do it! He's been chewing his sleeves. I used to chew my sleeves a ton when I was a kid. One of my cousins used to chew. Yeah, delicious. I will always remember the flavor of a sleeve. What about the string on a hoodie?

Yeah, they weren't as salty. Sleeve is better. Sleeve, you got a lot of good salt. I never ate a whole sleeve. I had a whole sleeve. I turned a jacket to a vest. They had to take it out of my stomach To my belly button What?

I thought you said shirt for some reason He said jacket What? I was thinking you had to You know what, never mind Cameron does not own a shirt Cameron doesn't even own a shirt That's how cool I am

Yeah He came in here with pasties on his nipples And completely There were pasties that were shaped like Mr. Crabbs Yeah One Mr. Crabbs Not painted to look like Mr. Crabbs Just shaped like it

Yeah So it took us kind of a while It's Mr. Crabbs sill away It's the shape of Mr. Crabbs. But it's the continents on it. It looks like an earth shaped like Mr. Crabbs. People don't know that Pangea, when you put it all together. It looks like Mr. Crabbs.

Yeah. That's what they based SpongeBob off of. The show. Pangea. The past. They based it off the past. Whoa. I heard they based a lot of these TV shows that are coming out now about either the past, present, or future.

That's terrifying. They based Broad City on the Future. They based Broad City on the Future. present because it's about me and my best friend can actually be on TV yeah that was the first show to feature women yeah before that it was like old Greek plays where you just had just guys playing girls but that some of them are really hot that's why some of them could get it's like kids in the hall and white as kids you know there's the only shows on TV yeah had guys dressed up like girls or when they had Chris Farley dress up like a girl that was even funny bosom buddies with Tom Hanks

bosom buddies uh white chicks yeah I think that was the the the straw that broke the camels back. That's when they're like, these women are getting too hot. Okay? We got to put real women in now. Yeah. Yeah. And then they They did not make a movie for a girl until 2001. And that's because of the World Trade Center. That's right.

That's because of the World Trade Center. Finally, the Fallis was destroyed. It unlocks the female energy. And the plane kind of looks like a pussy. Yeah, you know, now that I think about it, the World Train Center, Two Dicks, kind of gay. Good thing it was gone. I don't want that shit in my New York City. I want a big two boob-shaped towers.

That's what they should replace the one big dome. That's why they want to build a mosque there. Oh my God. It's terrifying. But if it was like a dome, but it was the height of the twin towers, like both of them. What if there's a box the size of the entire Earth, the whole Earth could fit inside of?

Yeah. It would be night for a thousand years inside of the box. What if there was a, What if there was a microwave that you could actually fit a whole bag of Totinos inside? What if there was a microwave that made it cooked? Did you know, did you know a bag of popcorn is larger when popped than it is smaller than when it is not popped?

Yeah. UberFact.com. We should start a fact-based website. Do you know that Mr. Bean actually had a bean? Mr. Bean has never eaten a bean. He actually had a bean in his pocket. Did you know Mr. Bean actually had a bean? It was there the whole time. It was there the whole time. Things you missed. A closer look.

A closer look. Mr. Bean actually had, he had two beans in each of his pocket. And you, and wait, and we're just learning this now. This funny British character that you know and love actually had two magic beans in the coat of his body. He actually had a bean ability the entire time. He just never used it. He just never used it because he thought it'd be bragging. But he actually had a bean ability. They were going to, it was scrapped before they could air it on the BBC, but he was going to sprout at the end. Yeah.

He was going to sprout into a, into a bean sprout. Into a big bean. Into Mr. Sprout. Yeah, which is a different, a metamorphosis. His wings. He has butterfly wings. Mr. Sprout can talk too. Whoa.

And he has, and he has a voice. He goes, hello there. and he's a genius whoa he's like did you know the show home improvement did not actually feature any homes did you know or did it improve

and nobody was a licensed contractor on that entire set did you know Tim Allen actually had to fight the producers to get Jonathan Taylor Thomas on the show and he because he thought that he was a great kid what about Tim Allen and

an owl. Who? Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, thanks are coming in there. Fun fact. You look like David Koresh right now. Yeah, yeah, you do.

It's cool. You look cool. Fun fact. Straight pimping like David Koresh. Yeah. Fun fact. The family and family matters actually did matter. They did. Fun fact, the family and family matters was actually white and they painted them before

every episode. They did. yeah it was originally called family splattered because they were splattered with paint it was originally called family guy that was taken in the future by another name but then they realized but then yeah somebody was gonna make a really good show called that they were like ah shit that's already lined up we can't take that yeah they put okay so the SD card ran out we and it was too full of the funny yeah we lost we lost a bit about a dad going crazy over Mickey Mouse we hit the funny maximum on this one we topped out the funny meters yeah so we got to come back to it ran the funny it ran the

funny it ran the funny the it's um bring the funny with jamila jamil or whatever or no chrissey tegan and jeff foxworthy we brought the we brought the funny and jeff foxworthy went how you might be you might be bringing the funny if you got uh fucking these are the two new ones is this the this is all what's going on right hey uh yeah uh yeah uh yeah Right, Caleb, help me out here. Patrick can't process numbers or words. This was the last one last time, right? This is the newest one?

Yeah, I mean, well, no, I don't think we said that person's net last time, actually. I think, okay. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think we did. All right, I don't know. I don't know. Oh, February 23rd, no, we definitely did. Yeah, we definitely have some.

Okay, so then it's this here, right? What the hell is it? This one, February 26th. Okay. Yeah. Okay, so thank you to Christopher Good. And thank you, Christopher Good. Yeah, thanks Christopher Good.

Oh, wait. Fuck you, Christopher Bat. Before we do Patreon names, can I... Yeah, I know we already did one, but can I plug a show? Wait out. Let's just finish the page. Oh, yeah. But people who aren't, don't have their names, they won't listen to Patreon name shoutouts.

Well, we have other news, too. We have important stuff. We have other stuff, too. Do not log off yet. Mm-hmm. Okay, you can say the rest of the names then. Okay, and then we have a new $10-dollar Patreon. and Ian Mitchell.

Thank you, Ian. We have news about the $10 tier, but first, Caleb, you want to do your show? Yes, yeah. So I'm on a show in New York. I know some people have asked me for, if I'm coming to New York for anything. I'm going to be in New York the day after this comes out.

I've been asking Caleb if he's going to go to New York. On Thursday. No, yeah. Please go to New York. On March 5th. And then, so I'm there for a show at the pit. It's... At the what?

The pit? It's not my name. Oh, my God. I knew this was coming. Chuck Testo. I knew this was coming. It's at 7 p.m. at the pit. It's me in some great comics, Ryan Shuh, Rachel Sennett.

It's an evening of stand-up comedy, apparently. And then I think I'm... Hosted by our good friend, Mary. Oh, yeah, hosted by Mary. She's great. And I think I'm doing some other stuff that weekend. Just look at my Twitter to see. Anyway, if you come to a show and you say that you listen to this podcast,

I will buy you a drink. I really love. I'll go tea paint style on you. I'm a buy you a little. Okay, well, if you go T-Pan-style, you've got to wear the hat. I'm going to be dressed like a ring leader from a circus, and I'm going to be doing shoddy-snap and buy you a drink to you if you say that you listen to the podcast. We're getting Caleb's voice to be auto-tune.

They're going to auto-tune me. Yeah, they're going to auto-tune me, and I'm going to dress like a scary voodoo magician. Yeah, so. I think T-Pain looks cool. In, like, 2006, he started doing a whole circus thing, though. Yeah. All right, so patrons Oh, T-Pain.

Just joined... Oh, T-Pain just subscribed. For $1 million an episode. Yeah. Crap. Per episode? Hey, T-Pen. I don't even know how that works, T-Pen.

Thank you. You know what I'm saying? Hey, in you. Get a real, real-life auto-tune. Can you auto-tune us at the end of the episode? No. Yeah, can you auto-tune this part? Yeah, he's going to.

He's going to auto-tune. He's saying nobody's actually, your mind is telling you no, but your body's saying, yes, somebody. Yeah, and that's, you auto-tune that. He's going to sound like R. yeah no yeah no it's kind of crazy how that's a line in an arkelly song and then all that shit came out huh my mind is telling me no but my body my body he's telling me yes all right so you're gonna auto tune that yeah he's gonna make that sound just like art telly art telly ronald television that was his name well that was

his name don't wear it out yeah um okay so Oh, $10 tier. Yeah, update to the $10 tier. Master Chief Skype call, just not do we are never in the room. Three of us are only ever in the room to record this nowadays. And then, like, let alone when other people are available over Skype. Yeah. So it's just not doable.

We've tried. Yeah. We are free this week, I think. So if there's, we have a backlog of Master Chief Skype calls. So we can hit you for those if you want. but you also were changed we just changed the $10 tier so now it's a personalized video for Master Chief so basically you can request what you want Master Chief to do within reason nice to be safe for worse we can't we can't dress up like Master Chief and put things in our butt but we're not dressing up as Master Chief we'll pass your request on to Master Chief he'll film a video for you but Master Chief will not put anything in his butt he can't put stuff in his butt he doesn't have a whole let's talk about his abilities number one he's pretty good at skateboarding right he can't He can skateboard. Yeah.

Decently well. Master Chief, he can play pool. Yeah, right? And he can make music. Okay. So those are a couple. You know, he can do a lot of stuff, though. You know, he cannot drink water through the helmet.

Yeah. Or any not, yeah. But, yeah, you can also just ask him questions. He's available for Q&A. He loves talking to the fans. Master Chief can attempt. A shout out to your girlfriend. Master Chief can attempt to play eruption.

by Van Halen on guitar. Okay. Master Chief does not, will not give shoutouts to boyfriends, only girlfriends. Yeah, boyfriends are off limits. It's a personal, moral thing for him. Yeah.

Yeah, John, as we call him, our friend. John Spartan. John, in parentheses. If you subscribe to $10 to you right now, we'll send you a message, and you can, we'll try to get a Skype calling with you this week if you'd rather that, but it's, I mean, it's just tough in general.

Yeah. And also, Patrick gets really scared and cries when he sees a Skype window and he has to be in the room to chaperone the master chief call. He thinks that the ringing sound is too loud. Yeah. Yeah.

For some reason, that makes him cry. We don't know. We tried to solve it. I, by screaming into his ears over and over. It's the bells. He hates the bells. Boom, boom, boom. Don't even.

Don't even. He thinks he's getting married to whoever's calling. Yeah. And he gets really excited. He crams his pants when somebody calls him because he thinks he's finally getting married. Yep. It's true.

I'll say it. It's true. It's all true. We have fun stuff coming on the Patreon. Yeah, we're going to be making some videos this week, I think, hopefully, that you'll see eventually. We decided tonight that we're going to have a special themed episode coming up. Yeah, we'll do that on the Patreon. You'll be excited for that.

We have the Jolly Bee documentary. Oh, yeah, coming soon. We're going to be putting a director's commentary on the Patreon. Yeah. We have access to the Grinch movie. I have that on... We're going to be doing a watch-al-shel-in-law that may or may not include some way to get the Grinch movie. onto your computer for free so you can watch along with it easily.

Yeah. Let's not say that. I'll say it. Yeah, definitely not. Now that I think about it, I don't know why I said may or may not. It doesn't exist. There's no such thing as a Grinch movie online. There's no link you can go to that downloads the Grinch movie for you on Google Drive or anything similar. And if there is, we would never post it. Absolutely not. And it would not have an audio track included already. And it would not be covered under parity law because of There would not be little robot versions of us at the corner of the screen. Yeah, and I would not have one of the smallest weaners my doctor said he ever saw. And the episode...

And Caleb's doctor is Dr. Seby. And he is Dr. Seby, and he's seen tons of penises. Yeah. That he is. The other thing was he wouldn't, but he is. Yeah. If we were arranged penis, it spells Seppi. That's true.

Yeah. It spells Nsepi. which is pretty close to Seby Yeah So just Sebbin Think about it And also one last thing

I love you I love you I love you I love you All right this is two mics and Michael signing off Two mics Two mics and Michael

That's good