Podcast About List - Ep. 97 - Rapaports Delight (w. Felix Biederman)

Episode Date: April 29, 2020

felix from choco trapt house dropped into the list dungeon to talk michael rapaport and michael halo (thats master chiefs real name). follow him on twitter at @ByYourLogic and listen to This Is Sus for more pod about list subscribe to www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist

You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. All the Counts to the ball list. You're any crap monster. Um, hey. We already started. He's playing with Dom's yarn ball. Oh, no, he's playing with a yarn ball. How dare we can't do that?

That's what cats do. We have, we have Felix Beterman of the chocolate trap house here. Yeah. How's it going, buddy? You pumped? Yeah, no, I am. I was excited to do this. I'm sorry to keep you guys waiting.

I was in the process of losing a counter-and-strike game that went too long. I was supposed to be at 6, but pot-about list very graciously hung out for half an hour for me. Yeah, of course. I'm glad that we are not important enough to jump out of one of the 500 counter-strike games that you play every day. To come. And don't. And don't improve at all. Don't get any better at it.

Yeah, just losing over and over and over again. I'm glad we didn't reach that. Literally anything. What would make you stop playing? I don't. Like, I think if, like, I think if, like, I dated a hot woman who, like, kind of hated me, and she, like, did one of those things where you break up for a week, and then, like, you reconcile, and then she's, like, you have to stop playing counter strike and be, like, okay.

But then we just, like, do a mutual activity. that made us both resent each other and then we would just stop talking to each other like one of those breakups where you just don't talk to each other anymore so this woman is what it would take that's it's it that's good scenario not not all the fucking like the hacks that just happened yeah not the stuff like yeah I don't give it I don't I don't fucking give a shit buy something with my stupid debit card you think I fucking care that just another phone call I have to make go ahead you know buy a fucking five hundred dollar I just get my debit card.

I literally don't fucking do it shit. I can fucking do it. Who cares? No one's having said. No one's just fucking doing anything anymore. No one's ever going to get pussy again. We're going to run out of kids. Fucking buy your stupid knife, you dumb piece of shit.

Do it. I guess you're right. Money does. Read my DMs. There's something good in there. You know what my DMs are? It's just a bunch of people being like, oh, have you heard of this?

It's Rick Roll. Like, I don't give a shit. You're not going to get me in trouble. You can't cancel me. It's just going to be me in different group DMs. talking about how like anyone who hates me on Twitter I think they're hot

I want to fuck them going to find the secret fascist crypto-fascist DM yeah look at me in ape chat yeah I don't care

I don't give it shit ape chat is the crypto-fascist leftist DM that's where we go the most fascist DM ever it's because of the apes y'all y'all did you know

that the Nazis love nature because they thought it would represented order and these ms have ape chat but you all sleep though the ape represents raw power yes yeah and nothing else yeah Felix is right now at the Chapo headquarters

which is a big building with Will Minnaker's face on the front and it says C C C C over and over again yes yeah no it is if there's anything we do it's well I like that thread because it was saying that we're not really fascist but we just want people to be fascist, which is, that's cool. That's the ultimate activist move.

Yeah. That's like being the opposite of Oscars shouldn't learn. Shepherding people into fascism, even though you yourself are not one. Yeah, I mean, that's the way, that's how you stay the prominent voice of the left. You make sure there's no one else on the left. You get everyone else over the right. That's the trick. Yeah, you take down such leftists as Michael Rappaport.

Yeah. You know what I mean? On a daily basis. Yeah, the most important socialist voice we have. You got to put him in his place. You know what I mean? I love Michael Rappaport because, like, his main thing is... He's, like, one of those old comedic comedy.

He's not really convenient, but, like, one of those old guys who's like, yo, yo, why y'all getting offended by anything? But he sees any post by a young person, like, even referencing, like, Columbine, like, today. Right, yeah. He's like, yo, there are some things you do not joke about. That's his five-billism hip-hop. Dude, that's the best part about it is, like, he's not a stand-up. like he was an actor who was in like a couple of mob movies and then he's in fucking true romance

yeah and now he like goes and like edits himself into episodes of tough crowd and then just talks about how offensive it is that fucking somebody made a Columbine joke yeah on that episode with me and Patrice I fucking Patrice O'Neill was a legend dude he was one of my closest friends I try to emulate him in every way including speech pattern yeah and diabetes Patrice O'Neill gave me cardboard from his house. Yeah, Michael Rappaport. Dude, pick up a mic, dude. Come fucking, come on the pod.

We'll get you and Thomas. We'll squash it, you know. I had a feud with Rappaport before anyone, by the way. Really? Yeah, I'm really getting into, like, I'm really, like, one of those, like, old Hollywood guys. It's like... Or, like, more like Trump. I was actually the first to...

So everyone knows Eli Lake. Eli Lake was the guy everyone made fun of until... Yeah, the egg boy. He kind of looks like a herald. Yeah. It was before Twitter added new NPCs that you could fight in raids. And Eli Lake was just... He's like a shitty neocon who everyone hated.

And for whatever, like, idiot reason, Michael Rappaport was like, yo, this book comes with the knowledge and, like, really liked Eli Lake. So he went on Eli Legs podcast, which I don't take runs anymore, and talked about how he was getting made fun of on Twitter a lot by me. And he said, well, one of the trolls is actually very talented and does a piece of political satire, I think, is very good, Carl Diggler. And then Rappaport went, yo, fuck Carl Diggler, Duke.

That was the origin of the feud. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but he's, I don't know, every week it seems like he, there's a thing where, like, black people are like, can you stop doing everything you're doing? Yeah, meanwhile, he's saying, he's saying, I don't know what you're talking about as he's injecting himself with sickle cell. He's like, this will do it. Yes. Yes.

This will get me on their side. He's, well, he like, yeah, he attacked, I think, a friend. friend of the pot-about list universe today. Emily? Yeah, yeah, Emily and Thomas. Well, I mean, well. Thomas kind of broke, yeah. Thomas DM me basically immediately, and he was like, this might be bad because Michael

Rappaport has a picture of my penis now forever. I was like, it's going to be all right, man. You can spin this. You can live with that. You can say that Michael Rappaport hacked him. Right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, he got into my eye cloud.

He's in jail. I think Thomas is 14 anyway. Yeah, Thomas is a kid, yeah. Thomas is 14, but he looks like that. He's a very high-tie child. I played Warzone with him last night, and I hope he doesn't mind me saying this. He told me that his mom did, like, a 23-and-me thing, and found out that his family is in the 99th percentile for Neanderthal DNA presence.

I thought you were going to say that. It's so good, dude. Well, but Neanderthals. Neanderthal, like, they were kind of, like, it's kind of a good look. If you're, like, a human, I have, like, very low, knee. I got 23 in me, very low Neanderthal. And I wish I had more Neanderthal. Damn, you gave up the DNA, bro?

I got a little bit of them. Man. Well, my, someone, well, my friend got it for me, and it's like, then you have to do it. Yeah, you got to put your spit and send it in the mail. I got a lot of mileage out of it, though, because it was, like, you are 99% Ashkenazi. Oh, dude. Cool. Well, it ended...

We had an Elizabeth Warren-type family myth where, like, my mom thought that we were, like, half Spanish shoot, like, the sexy kind and the Sephardic. Oh, okay. And it's like, no. No, we're all the fucking beat farmer kind. That rocks, dude. Yeah.

I did that. I got a... I'm, like, 92% Irish. I think I've, they already posted about it, but I have, like, a 14th great-grandfather named Connor O'Connor. Wait, didn't you... You texted us. and said that you're like ninth great-grandfather.

Amaziah Harding? Yeah, what did you do? My ninth great-grandfather in like the 1700s or something like that killed his wife and tried to weekend at Bernie's her. And then when the coroner came to like his fucking shack or whatever, they were like, now hold on. like he said oh no he said that she died at natural causes but like yeah i don't know so he when you say he weakened at burnt did he walk her around town with like a hammer stuck in her head i don't know no i was reading his will it sounded like it was easier to kill your wife back then oh it was way easier to

you knew oh my god yeah the staircase would have been the shortest documentary ever in 1750 Pat you knew He would have been like yeah He pushed her down the stairs Of course That's what you do When you're sick of your wife

You knew he weekend at Bernie Her because his will said He was leaving His really complex Marionette set To his son His robot exoskeleton Yeah he had a robot exoskeleton

Yeah he had a piston A hydraulic He had a Seampunk mecksuit. Well, that's how they created Gundams. Yeah. Every Gundam has a dead wife in the middle of it. A guy during, yeah, a guy during one of the Shogunits killed his wife, and he was like,

oh, I'm going to get in trouble for this. That's the actual plot of Evangelion. Yeah, it was insane. Literally, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Eva, yeah, like, uh, fuck, what's his name again? Genki

Fuck, the doctor The dead wife guy Oh, uh, uh, fucking uh, gendo. Yeah, Gendo, Gendo Icari, like he's It is cool That he just made a child wife Yeah Like, the one thing that what was wrong with my wife

Was that she wasn't 14 Yeah And also she couldn't pilot a giant robot That's linked her mind Those are the two bad things about my perfect wife All right, so Felix, obviously, you're a gamer. You know, I don't think. I think that's no secret.

You have a headset on as we speak. I feel like this was the... Halo is a big part of this show, just because, you know, I love Halo. Although, if... I just fucking adore Halo. You got to love Halo, baby. If the Secret Service is listening, I've never played a first-person shooter in my life. I just appreciate Halo from a very far distance.

He reads the novels. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I did. I swear to God, the first, like, real, like, book that I read was the fall of reach. I don't think that's a real book. I don't think that counts. It's the first real book. I think it was whatever you read after that.

Real book. No. Your mom made that book for you, so you would start. That was a custom book. No, no. It was just pictures. It sold so well. Your mom went on, like, vista print.

and then made that. No, I got it at Walmart and it was $7. Oh, okay. Come on. That confirms it. But we did, I picked out some, um, some lists from, uh, the top tens, which is a website we use a lot that are Halo themed vaguely. Um, they're, they're about, so the first three are, these are all, uh, people arguing

that other games are either better than Halo or Halo is better than other games. So this first one is top 10 reasons Minecraft. is better than Halo. And I don't know how familiar you are with this website, Felix, but basically the entire website is children fighting about video games. Top 10, I think I've like, I like list websites like this because it's like it's the last thing you do. You just read those to have white noise in your head.

That's the thing you do before you like try to kill yourself or call the suicide online. Yeah, this like creates schizophrenia. Like this is the, this is how it happens. And this website, though, is, it's different from, like, Ranker or other ones that have, like, like, an editorial staff. This is just a, a crowdsourced voting website. Yeah, it's their user submissions. And, yeah, they're all, like, 13-year-olds who are just, who are struggling.

13-year-olds on the internet. Yeah, and we're a year and a half into talking about it every day. I think it would be awesome if, like, that was the only media job left was being the editor for TopTen.com. Like all these people who like wrote articles that are like Well Bernie didn't literally rape But he is kind of like a rapist Doesn't it ruin or great? Like they have that's the only top

Yeah Yeah They become they become Journalistic serfs who have to work for the top ten They're just like They're just getting bullied by like the Glenn Greenwald of top ten Who's writing the best top ten list Yeah this is top ten reasons

Justin Bieber is gay and just getting flamed up That's his most viewed article That's like the snowed article Dude that's the thing This place is the It is the final frontier of posting

Oh yeah It's got a rain system You level up on here Yeah you can finally put a level They finally gamified posting Yeah the person who wrote this article Is the vicar of St. Looney Up the Green Bun and Jam

That's a level four Wow That's only a level level Level five is mayor of Michelle Delving. What does this mean? Awesome, dude. Who is Michelle Delving? Where do you think this website comes from?

What country did this? Probably one of the countries that used to be in the USSR, but then when you read their Wikipedia, it's like the age expectancy, her life expectancy after 1993 is 26 years old. Chief Exports Or second-hand coffins It's whatever country Tom Hanks was from

In the movie Terminal Yeah, yeah, yeah Just one of those like Landlocked piece of shit countries Yeah That all of your Relatives are from Yeah

Well, mine, yeah Yeah Mine, yeah, definitely Number one reason According to the top tens why Minecraft's is better than Halo. It doesn't have any inappropriate violence. That's true.

Yeah, it is true. It's only appropriate violence. Yeah, very appropriate violence. It's slaughtering cows, chickens, and goats, hitting an animal, hitting a pig with a pickax or something. I would look more if he to come out against the animal violence in my friend. The creepers are subhuman.

When you really think about it. to look at an innocent person's house and to blow yourself up It's absolutely abhorrent Minecraft is responsible for a lot of people This is violence in the way that People in academia say it But you know who Tifu is?

Yeah vaguely So he's like one of the biggest streamers on Twitch And he's like He's a guy who said that ninja sucks Yeah he called ninja a pussy recently That's what it is Well he was playing Minecraft with a 15 year old streamer

and just said the N-word, like, the soft A. Damn. And it was like, it was cool. Like, everyone was cool with it. Like, he didn't get in trouble. But it's like, how do you say that during Minecraft? Yeah, I know. Yeah, what part of Minecraft will drive you to the airport?

He wasn't even mad, though. He was just, like, doing this weird word. He's yelling at the villagers. He was. He was. Oh, no. Oh, fuck. No.

That's the highest level is calling the Villager the soft A. Edward Please be Minecraft. Yeah, the term of endearment version. Yeah. To the Villager. Yeah, the Michael Rappaport

version of it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I was trying to say they were my friends. Just, yeah. I watched today, just because Michael Rappaport was driving me insane,

I watched a, a, like, 20-minute interview that he did with Telib Kwelly, and he keeps saying he keeps saying he's like he keeps calling him quah first of all he's being like quah you know me dog you know me and apparently there was some controversy where he like made fun of a woman for having ashy ankles oh my god and tell him he's like why are you calling like black women's ankles ashy online and he's like yo I just call it like I seize it, bro.

I fucking love him, dude. My friend, my friend, uh, troll told him call you for about seven years, I would say. He's one of the all-time, just like he'll respond to anybody. I've been thinking, when I got my check, I thought it, I was like, he will definitely respond to me now. But it's like, I couldn't think of anything. But it is, that is a great, like, guy from Michael Rappaport to talk to. Oh, absolutely. Top level.

Yeah. He should wear the hat, honestly. The, like, the black thought, like, telepruelly most deaf hat. Yeah, yeah. He would look good, man. That was, uh, I, do you remember the new danger? Yes. I got a, like, $20 iTunes gift card in Christmas of 2004, and it was, I had my first

PC ever, like, Half-Life of Two is out. I was playing that. I was like, oh, what am I going to listen to? Well, I play Half-Life. Oh, I know. Most F, because I'd love. like the song Mathematics and I bought the new danger on iTunes and I was like

this is dog shit oh it sucks dude that's I think that's what got me back into pirating music he says like I think I like felt bad about pirating and it's like I'm not going to do it I don't want to like get my parents sued I'm going to stop doing it I'm going to use iTunes and then I bought the new danger and I was like no fuck this do you remember the video of most deaf

he goes through the tube feeding process that they did to the prisoners at Guantanamo Be? Yes. What? Do you remember that fucking video? It feels like a dream.

There's a video that most death did with like, it's like, he did it with like vice or something and it's him in a white room in an orange jumpsuit

and they stick tubes in his nose and he is hamming it up so hard. He's like, no, no, no. And then like as soon as it's in

and then out, he's like, Yeah, so that's basically what they're doing is guys in Guantanamo Bay right now. Thanks to George Bush. It was in, like, 2013. Yeah, this is from an alternate universe that only you and Felix know about. Yeah, in our world, this was the biggest video. This was the first viral video in Cainabers.

It was awesome. It's you, Felix, and Michael Rappaport, and you guys. I would love to live in the Michael Rappaport. alternative universe. I want to do being Michael Rappaport so badly, dude. So fucking badly. It's just different rooms of him hanging out with a tribe called Quest. You go through the little door and then it's just like you have

to like go to some bodega in Brooklyn and like prove. Everybody in every scenario calls him black Michael Rappaport. That's his nickname. Michael Rappaport, I was I forget what I was talking about this, but you know how, like, my favorite, like, New York slang

was when guys would call each other God because it was, like, you know, like the, the, uh, 5% nation thing where every black man is a god. Uh-huh. And I think Michael Rappaport's probably the only white guy who ever tried that. Oh, he, he said God.

He says, he still uses B all the time. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, so, like, in the Telequally interview, he's like, he's like, B, you got to listen to me on this one. I'm spitting facts right now What was the interview Was the interview only about Because I remember when he got careful for that

I saw one section of it Which was 20 minutes But the full interview is like two hours And I will never Watch two hours Of the one telequally Context though Why was the interviewing?

It has like 30,000 views on YouTube And it's Talib Kuali doing some podcast that he did for like six months and he's talking to Barstool one he got fired for him no Michael Rappaport had a podcast that he got fired from

for beating his wife or something yeah I think it was I don't know I maybe am making that up I think you might be not he beat the shit out of his wife no he absolutely did he did he dude he killed his wife oh wow

wow that's what I know yeah that's what I know dude Yeah, dude, he killed his wife, and he held the gun sideways. I'm serious. I'm serious. And he was, yeah, he said that was awesome, and then he threw her into the Hudson River. And then they fired him from Barstool Sports for that. Do you believe it?

Yeah, Portnoy does not abide with killing your wife. He's a couple man. I respect him. He's a real boss in Catholic. He doesn't abide. And nobody from Boston. ever hit their wife so no no it just doesn't happen it doesn't happen people in bought like people have this like bullshit attitude about Boston because they themselves are

too cowardly to drunk drive and right that's right uh-huh finally that's right that's right yeah that's fucking right well I if I was so I've been fantasizing about the breakup of America and obviously I would go back to the Midwest to try to become like you know the Charlemagne of the Great Lakes but one of my That first act would be... Charlemagne the God. I would like, yeah, remember Charlemagne the God was on radio and was like, yeah, so I drugged and raped one. Judy.

It's crazy. Oh, my God. Yeah, he talked about it a bunch. Yeah, and then, like, just nothing. No, nobody can't. No one gave his shit. Michael Rappaport thought it was awesome. Yeah, he was like, yo, fan, that's how we do it.

That's how we do it in New York City. Chop cheese, boy. Chop cheese. Yo, that's queen style when you get your ruffinol and your quarter water. But, no, more like the French Charlemagne. Oh, okay. One of my first dad. The French Charlemagne, the guy.

Oh, that's even, he's even worse. He's a way bigger rapist. He does that all the time then. I would, I would, like, create a drug driving license. Yeah. Oh, smart. Yeah, an endorsement for your license. Well, yeah, you should be.

It's like, yeah. You have a little, it's a little beer emoji. At the bottom of the license where it's got the heart for organ donor, it's just Nick Nolte's mugshot. I get, I've been trying to like, pretend to be a drunk driving advocate on Twitter and no one's yelled at me for it. Yeah. Yeah. No one, yeah, no one's taking the bait. It really.

Because I know you're right. Well, I, I think, people are going to. offend it. What are you going to do? Yeah. I want Rappaport. I wanted Rappaport to, like, notice the emojis in my name, like the clicking beers in the car. Yeah, and be like, you scumbag drunk driver. Yo,

drug driving killed some of the best hip-hop artists of all time. Yeah. Bushwick Bill. Fucking, Bushwick Bill, fucking, I don't know who else.

Bushwick Bill is is in Michael Rapaport's brand it's his mini-me he walks out of his Brooklyn apartment and it's Bushwick Bill All right Back to this list Yeah back to this

Number two you get to be You get to be creative in Minecraft I guess unlike Halo You can be creative in Halo What about forge baby? Yeah The top comment here Or yeah what about Forge

Oh burn What about mods Castles, pixel art House statues Oh, burn. They're definitely seven-year-olds. They're fucking burn. You notice, baby.

Fucking destroy. Well, the reply to that comment doesn't realize that they're talking about Halo and thinks they're talking about Minecraft and says, do you realize that those can be built in Halo as well? Man, I love the confusion.

Yeah, no one's getting like, I don't know what. You can build whatever you want. Also, you can, like, think about the greatest cop players of all time, like, think about Walshie and, like, best man. Even my own friend, girlfriend,

however, they're incredibly creative players. That's what, that's what makes competitive HALO awesome. And that's why it's like one of the first e-sports in America. So, take that, you fucking idiot, seven-year-old, fucking wrong. Yeah, you fucking pussy. It is funny.

You dumb ass, bitch. This whole show is yelling at children. That's what we, I mean. But they're wrong. They're fucking wrong all the what keeps us going is that they, we know that we are right and they're wrong. Yeah. Like number three, you can install mods. You can install

mods on Halo, man. Trust me. You do that. You did a Master Chief nude mod. I know, yeah. Oh, trust me. Why doesn't this fucking kid get a job buy a PC? It's only $3,500

for everything. Yeah, get an RTS card. Yeah. Just get all of it. get a good motherboard. Then you can play Halo on PC and then you can mod it instead of just playing on an Xbox like a fucking imbecile.

You don't even need to get all that shit. You can just download the Halo C.E. demo and download a Mario map into it. I've done it. You can download the fucking Mushroom Kingdom into the demo of Halo C.E. How many Cortana Nipple mods exist?

Oh, a billion. Yeah, with all different lengths. Yeah. I like that in the later bad Halo games that they realize that every player's fantasy is to fuck Cortana. Yeah, she's like kind of a woman now. I don't know. Yeah, they also, they make her butt crack longer and longer in every single version of her. It's awesome.

They made her the Siri for the windows, like computers. That's it is so funny. Yeah. It's awesome, dude. And guess what the icon for Cortana is? A hole. and you want to tell me you're not sexualizing her Microsoft

there's probably been a lot of guys who like after a schizophrenic break probably during quarantine have killed themselves while operating Windows 10 because they think like Cortana's in love with them and they want to live in their computer yes dude that's the that's the danger of the the AI version of Clippy or whatever is that it talks to you

it's something it's like every Cipher sci-fi movie has always had an evil robot with the exact voice that's on my computer right now clippy everyone knows clippy was for gay men and those were the first guys clippy was fan service for gay men in Microsoft Windows yeah so like once straight men started buying computers they introduced cortana uh straight men and buy women uh so everyone has something and that's like why i'm a windows guy because they care they like they they're accommodate people apple it just like, Siri is just like a fucking sexless, whatever. Absolutely no pussy on Siri.

There's no, there's no clipy, there's nothing for anyone. You can make Siri Australian. I know that. Okay, all right. That's something. Yeah. I have an Australian male Siri. Yeah.

You would, dude. Yeah, you would, dude. No, I did. Yeah, you would be, you do because you would. Yeah, you do do. What? It doesn't even make sense. You gay bitch. Number four

If you die You can get your stuff back Wow Have you ever played Respond or campaigned with checkpoints You fucking moron God these kids I think they misunderstand Halo

Because they are not Old enough to buy it from GameStop Without a parent's ID Facts You know Downloaded Learn what Steam is I remember I had

I had when I When I was growing up, I got the Modern Warfare 2 at Costco, and I bought it with, like, my birthday money or whatever, and we, we, my dad was with my dad, because I didn't have a Costco membership. I was like 14. Did they have any, like, Costco exclusive items like they do and, like, game stuff? No, no, but when I bought it, they were like, the guy at the cashier said to my dad, like, the guy said to my dad, like, the guy said to my dad. You get a current one signature item in game. You get the Cortland's signature. You get, yeah, you get a chicken bake

icon in Modern Warfare too. You can only get that. I would love that. Dude, yeah, that's, they did that with Skate 3 and Miracle lip. But the cashier,

he looked at my dad, he was like holding the game and he was like, sir, I'm legally obliged to tell you that this game has a mass shooting scene in it. Are you sure you want to purchase us for your son? He said that he was, he was legally,

obliged like there was some some law that kids couldn't play the most awesome part of the game sorry when I was like when I was like 12 my dad

I guess he was like kind of interested in it and I couldn't think of what mission to like make him play like I didn't think like oh maybe do like the combat training mission so I made my dad you made your dad play no Russian

and he was like wait I'm just mowing people down what the fuck is this hey this is kind of fun Patrick? That would have been worse if he really liked it. He was like, how many more levels are there?

That would be so fucked if you made your dad a mass shooter. With video games. I show my dad no Russian and then like next week he's got like Postal 2 running on the computer. What was that fucking game?

Hatred? Yeah, yeah. I was just reading about that. Yeah, he becomes a hatred guy. Yeah, they're putting that game on Switch. is so funny to me. That's hilarious. That's...

The only people I know Switches are like women and like my like young, very young cousins. I think... Yeah, there's no

real games on the Switch except Zelda. We all that switch. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was so fucked up, dude. Dude, come on. Guys, I'm starting a vote

to kick Felix out of the call. Jesus Christ. Sorry. I'm sorry. I use it for Halo. They got more wind on Switch. I threw it at my wife while I'm on Warzone and say like play gone home or something. Here you can play too. Here's your controller. You're controlling to other people. Yeah, I tape a screenshot of Lizzie McGuire to the front of it and just let her press all the buttons for a while.

Number five, it's controlled by keyboard and mouse. Again, these kids are so oblivious. I'm getting so pissed off I'm fucking pissed off I have to take a league You guys handle this one I can't even fucking speak These kids have never used Like a razor death hat or elite

Got you yeah so okay So let me get this straight You ever heard of the Master Chief Collection? Yeah Ever heard of that Like I said earlier The Halo CE demo Yeah

Oh Felix actually We actually is We can say whatever we want about him right now um he uh felix um he um shit uh his favorite candy is tutsy rolls oh shit dude we have to edit that out okay he's gonna be so keep that in um yeah yeah his favorite candies are

tutsy rolls and tooth and toothpaste he actually he told us before we started this that he likes brushing his teeth he eats floss yeah fucking sicko um number six there's no war going on. That's not true. Yeah, ever heard of...

There is a war going on in the Ender, or whatever. There's a war between... There's a war between the creative geniuses and the griefers. Yeah, a never-ending war. And the griefer are winning. We need more creative... We need more creatives in Minecraft. Everybody get on...

Get on Minecraft. Kill your local griefer. Just DIY kids. Walking around with that on a shirt It's got like a creeper It's like one of those big like Backpatches Added to the T-spring

Yeah Kill your local griefer That's gonna be That's gonna be the second Minecraft theme shirt on our merch store Yeah we already have We already have a shirt that says I went to your mine and nobody knew you

And now we're gonna have Kill your local griefer Yeah How do you agree to someone in Minecraft. I like literally never played Minecraft. You just, okay, so there's a, there's a, uh, there's a pot about list Minecraft server that somebody started. And I spent like two days, uh, at the beginning of like quarantine building a very cool modern house designed by an Indian, it was not a modern

house. It was, uh, it was a, it was a single, it was a, it was a, it was a tower of wooden blocks that had no, it was not, there's no windows, no doors. No, no, at the top, at the top I built the house. It was a, it was a platform. It wasn't a house. But in the middle of the night, two griefers joined the server and burned down my house. And it was a heat in my body I've never felt in my life. It hurts so bad. And I asked the guy who mods the server, I was like, is there any way you can fix this? And he went into the code and reversed what they did.

But for those few moments where I saw my creation on fire, I wanted to kill myself. that's what John Wick felt I mean exactly yeah the exact same feeling yeah that's what happened that that house was a gift from my dead wife he meant his

well John Wick had a John Wick had a 15 year old like died hair or Minecraft wife and that's why he's like a morally complex character because you shouldn't do that as a 45 year old man but also like that was his

Minecraft house so it's like that's why I like that movie because there's like You don't really know who the bad guy is or who the good guy is, but you can appreciate how good John Wick is at action. Yeah. And how cool his house was before it was. He did have a very cool house. Yeah.

I never think of... I've started that. What was he... What was he so rich? Why do you have such a cool house? He probably saved a lot of money from being an assassin. Oh, true. Because he was retired, and it's like, I presume...

I'm something of a financial expert. Yeah. So, with John Wick, John Wick probably got paid like a million. dollars per hit and what he probably did was he bought these things called municipal bonds and when he buy it it's those aren't corporate bonds the interest in corporate bonds is taxed at uh the rate at which we tax capital gains but the interest on uh municipal bonds is not so if john wick bought you know say five million dollars worth of huntsville alabama municipal bonds paying out at 3.5% that's like he made so much money none of it was taxed he got the original five million back and he

retired he was done And then he also had pirates coins in a briefcase. It's true. They also found a pirate's chest. Yeah. That was like, that was like one of my fantasies as a kid was just finding ancient money. Dude, pirate coins are so cool. For some reason, old money, old gold feels like it should be worth more.

Yeah. That was my thinking. It's like, oh, if you find like the equivalent of a million dollars from 10,000 years ago, it's like a billion dollars down. They'll just give it to me. They'll give it to me a child. Yeah, you go to the exchange, the money exchange in the airport and give them your de blooms. And you get, there's a great exchange rate on the balloons.

They have a $1 million in a briefcase, just in case that never happens. Patrick said earlier before we started recording that, uh, oh yeah, I did ancestry, yeah. His ancestry told him he has pirate blood. And I would like you to explain what that means. I am related to someone who has captain in their name, according to Ancestry.com. And you just assume that's all I needed to know. That's all I needed to hear. Where else would he be, the Irish Navy?

Like, I don't think so. Yeah, exactly. 70% from Ireland, 30% from the sea. 99% bitch. You could just be named captain. I mean, you don't. Yeah, that's true. I have mafia

Blood Yeah Oh yeah Yeah No my My My Jewish mafia

No no He worked for Capone That 3-6 mafia Yeah Yeah Yeah Me and Rapaport baby Yo this goes back

Centuries Blood No It was He worked for Al Capone And stole money from him And then got nervous And killed himself

Wow So yes Jewish He fucked up. That is the Jewish mafia. Oh, God, they're going to be so mad at me. And kill themselves next to me. Oh, God. I should just die.

I have, and then, like, another ancestor, like, the biggest thing they achieved was he was a piano player in the Russian Imperial Army. Oh, nice. Yeah. Well, he played the Halo theme. Like, so that was a play. He played it on cello. It was like Yo-Yo Ma, but. Yeah.

No, I'm just imagining a version of casino where every character is Robert De Niro in that movie. That's like your whole family. Yeah, no, it's, they were not an accomplished gang. They didn't, they didn't get a whole lot done before, like, the 1900s. They were, they just lived in, like, you know, the worst part of the Russian Empire. And, like, my dad's side pretended to be German, which is a very ignominious faith. that is cool though yeah

well they pretend to be German Jews they were like we're still Jewish but we're like the fancy kind did that get you did that get you points back then it did well it should have because like do you know who invented the word kayak it was German Jews describing Russian Jews

but they were probably because they like they swear they could speak German and they like can't they're just fucking lying that's kind of like me I took two years in remedial German.

Yeah, that's like you, dude. You were exactly like that. Uh-huh. Fucking idiot. Yeah, I feel like your goal in life should be, you know, when you're 300 years in the future, when your ancestor or descendant to do 23 and me, they'll be like, oh, he had a podcast. Yeah, yeah, they'll be able to tell. It's my goal.

It's just like the pirate. think. It's just like a higher thing for me. It's just I talked about, I made fun of little kids on the Yeah, he made fun of little kids online all the time and he loved eating cheese burgers. It says right

here that your grandfather was addicted to cheeseburgers. It says right here he tried to put a bunch of chips in a 7-Even hot dog and choked at 24. That's like your, that's like your version of Final Destination is you You see that vision as you're sprinkling the chips on the hot dough.

And you can't help yourself. You just go, oh, well. It's like, ah. I got to do it. There's no choice. It's lunchtime, I got to do it. Let's see. What else is good on this list?

You've got a little own here. You can play with six or more players and then two comments back to back. that says you can play with 64 on Halo. I don't think I ever did a 64-person Halo match. You could. You could. Absolutely could. I guess. I don't know. I played Halo. I played Halo Reach for a while,

but then I went to Battlefield. Oh, I missed Battlefield. Bad Company 2 is so good. Best FBS of all time. Yeah, we talked about this. It's like I mean, it was cool to blow up a building. Oh, didn't you, Caleb, weren't you, like, ranked or something?

Oh, yeah. So, like, at the beginning, when Bad Company 2 first started being, like, a competitive, like, MLG game, um, me and a friend started, like, a clan, uh, that there was nobody in it except us. You're supposed to have, like, eight people at minimum. And we registered on, like, the MLG website. And then we, our first week, we got paired with phase. Uh, and we started the match, and there was only two of us, so we had to forfeit. but they reported that it was a forfeit and we reported that it was a win

and for some reason the imaging system it got uh they just believed us and so for like two weeks we were the number one bad company clan in the world and we never played a game that it no that's well that's gonna be on the 23 in me yeah yeah when they got when they got the stories on the side of ancestry and it's like oh my uncle fell down a fucking elevator staff or whatever. It's just Caleb light about gaming. He was 15.

He was ranked number one for two weeks. It's not like you said it. But your uncle rocked. Those were, Battlefield, those are the best games because they were like

openly ridiculous. But then when Battlefield won't happen because like enough people at Dice were like war is serious. Yeah. Yeah.

We need to do the least fun war. Yeah. I also think, I think Battlefield is the ultimate pipeline to the actual military for kids because as far as games because the thing is with the

because the bullet drop with the snipers a kid gets good at that and then they're like I could do that in real life. It did almost happen to me I would play battlefield I would play bad company and be like I would you know like arc a shot and be like I could definitely do this yeah it'd be easy this is so accurate

I probably have talked about this on the show before, but did you ever play America's Army? No. America's Army, it was just Operation Flashpoint, but re-skinned by the Army. Oh, okay. And me and my friends, I was, I'd given up the idea of getting Pussy in high school. I played Operation Flashpoint all the time. Nice. And me and my friends were amazing at it.

so we like americans army was a recruiting tool but we would absolutely like wash just like dumb people from mississippi who were like i'm they thought it was going to be like cod or something we just fucking decimate them because we were fucking nerds and i think we probably kept a lot of people out of the military damn that's that was the start of my my journey as anti-imperilus Yeah, it was owning my cousins on America's Army. Yeah, Iraq's, dude. Thank you for that. You're welcome. Thank you for your service.

I kept them out of Iraq. You did. Yeah. That's true. All my cousins who joined the military just, like, went to San Diego, and then convinced themselves that they were heroes, and then came back with the worst tattoos that anybody's ever had. And now they work as electricians.

They ate a bunch of California burritos with the French fries in them, and they're like, yeah, that's the same as Doming some little kid. I don't get what I'm saying. Exactly. The coolest thing that I ever heard a veteran say was when I, like, bounced at a bar when I was in school in Minnesota. There was a guy who was in the Air Force Reserves who were throwing out. And one of the bouncers, he was like, he was like 19, 20. He was just like, I don't know why they made him a bouncer, honestly. He was like very diminutive. But he had a camo, like, a camo, like, a camo twins hat flatbrum.

And the Air Force guy was like, I'm a veteran. I fought for your right to wear that hat. I fought for your right to wear a 59-50. That was so. I didn't want to throw him out. It was like, this guy owns. Yeah, just let him drink whatever. He means that he killed Rob Deerdick and stole his hat for that guy.

Yeah. that rocks to veterans are all veterans are smart and should be respected yeah veterans rock that's what we say that's what we say at the beginning of the episode every week before we yeah yeah we have a clip like mark marons lock the gates but it's

us saying respect to veterans that the there was I worked out out I there was this gym in Brooklyn that I left because of a veteran it was like oh my God dude this guy he was like I don't know if he was an actual operator

or just pretend to be a veteran, but he's like one of those vets who, like, has a dog because the war scared him. Oh, yeah. It's like, oh, oh, I need this dog or else I'm going to scare my wife. But he would, like, bring the dog to the first floor where all the Olympic shit was and would throw the tennis ball everywhere for his fucking shithead dog. And the dog would nearly get killed by weights every day.

Jesus. And I was like, I don't want to deal with it. Like, I'm done. I'm dead. Yeah, that's the last time you go to Chris Dorner's Pump House. Yeah. Because it was just like, I like, I like catastrophize sometimes, but it was like, what if I got

it to an argument with this guy and it became this whole thing and it would be like, socialist podcaster yells at veteran. Yeah, that'd be like such a good Joey Salad's video. I would be, it would ruin my life. Because I would be on video like, well, I didn't even, you know. You don't even have to go to the fucking war. You don't even need that fucking dog. You're still lifting as you yell at them.

They just sent me down a really dark path. I'm glad. I'm glad I didn't engage. Yeah, I used to work at a gym, and people would bring dogs in all the time, and they would ask if I could, like, keep them behind the desk. Which is a psycho-go-lawful dog. Yeah. He's completely crazy.

It was, like, always, I worked at, like, a very high-end gym, too, and I was making, like, minimum wage. And it just felt so goofy to be, like, also somebody's dog sitter for $12 an hour. That's the job they didn't hire me. Yeah, Patrick applied at that job, and I, something about him threw them off. Yeah, I don't know what it was.

At a gym. Maybe you were eating a burrito in the interview. I did, um, I did get a, I did get, go to Cephelmed, I know you did. You got one of the Chimmy Chongas in the bag that you heat up with their shitting microwave. I got a hot dog. I got a hot dog. I'm standby. I want a 711 microwave with the numbers on it.

Yeah, that would be sick. So much better. I never have to look at the wattage. I just know that this is a 4. I'm looking up right now if you could buy a 711 microwave on eBay. Probably $10,000. Yeah. Okay, 711 microwave.

They have to have it. You have to be able to buy it. Oh, no, you can get pre-owned microwave filters. That is, what is happening if you're buying that? What is happening if you're selling them because they're $3? Like, how bad do you need $3? Yeah, and also, I mean, a microwave, microwaves are free. They're like couches and white fridges.

You just get them on Craigslist on the side of the road. The fucking, the microwave I got came with the apartment. Have you seen that same with me? No, the one that looks like the TV from fucking Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. You have like a microwave that looks like what like Walt Disney thought a microwave was going to look like in 50 years. It's like it's fucking huge and then like you open the door and then the opening is like the size of like a box. It's not even a box. It looks like you put a cube in it.

It looks like you put a cube in it and a steak dinner on a plate comes out. Yeah, I've got the Spy Kids microwave. I, um, no, I don't know how my mom always had, it's like one of those things where, like, yeah, your mom has the best version of it. You don't even know where she found it. My mom has some, like, fucking chrome bullshit microwave that's really good. Damn, Chrome. Yeah. Michael Rappaport would love that microwave.

Yo, man, man, I'm running spinners on my popcorn. Damn, you got a chrome down. microwave. He looks his mom. Felix's mom, you pep his hell for that one, bro. He's got hydraulic

something like your picture. That's how it pops the popcorn. He's just got a hot pocket bouncing in there. God damn, dude. He's just got the Saints Road 2 microwave.

It's got like the The Saints Flewer on it and shit Oh my God It's chrome and purple All the buttons are purple Dude you know what I saw the other day I saw the call of duty

Black Ops 2 F150 Whoa On the street dude Wow You got to pick? Oh my no no It drove by It was so fast

It was going It was going so fast But dude I just I forgot about those Those that's That is the ultimate fucking boss car dude so cool oh man

imagine I mean that's what I would do if I had money I like if if it didn't cost like $500,000 a year to have a car in New York I would buy that

I would like start going to media parties again and just pull up in that in a fucking sweepstakes car yes yes yes it's so sick it's a hay-or-2

Hummer 2 imagine your dad picking you up from a school on a call of duty truck oh my god dude you would get so much Baja blast or fiesta. Yeah, yeah, there's a Baja blast in the cup holder.

Yeah, it's cold. And that's right, no ice, because ice is a waste of soda room. Yeah. It comes out cold. It uses the AC. That's fucking right. That's correct. Dude, I would go, I would just do the Pimp my ride.

I would just put a PS2 in that thing. Yeah. And fucking, oh, I would never leave. I thought that was the coolest that if you had a P. S2 in your car when I was a kid. The most impractical thing. First off, you have to have at least, you have to have somebody driving. You have to have a chauffeur.

You have to have a chauffeur or a parent. And parents are very adverse to putting PlayStation 2s in their cars for whatever reason. Yeah, parents would put a homework machine in the car. That's right. Yeah. Parents would put dishes in the car. They're going to put freaking broccoli in there, dude.

You're going to have to eat broccoli. Yeah, Felix, we should have told you. We're very anti-parent. Prokity, anti-parent, anti-grounding. I'm really not trying to get in trouble here. I mean, like, I understand, I understand that vulnerable communities have attitudes towards homework and dishes. Uh-huh. They think that they cause harm and in the liminal spaces of homework.

You're almost sounding, I'm going to, you're almost sounding pro chores right now, Felix. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm very sensitive to the issues of the child community, but also many, much, listeners do assign homework and do assign dishes in those liminal spaces of choice. You know, maybe, maybe that lady was right. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say.

Yeah, name three toys, Felix. Yeah. Okay, all right. I shouldn't even, I shouldn't even, I shouldn't even, I shouldn't even dignify this. I shouldn't even dignify this, but if you really want to call my activist credentials in question, the Tonka Truck is a classic one. The Tonka Truck. Okay, someone's out of touch. Yeah, somebody just Googled toy.

Yeah. You Googled toys, you clicked the first three answers. Yeah, it's like that info box popped up and said, the Tonka truck. The Tonka truck, the Hess truck. And the jump rope. I was going to say Jenga next. Jenga's a game. You need an absolute lepton.

Jenga is a game. What is it wrong with you, dude? All right, I guess I shouldn't give my... Well, it's, I was going to say, a playmobile set. Playmobile is a tool. It's a material. Yeah, that's actually an imagination aid. Completely different.

Completely different category. I just like, people, the only thing we could do to unsubscribe would be to come out against homework in short. You guys would lose a lot Yeah, that's true Yeah You guys would probably go Go below us

Today we had somebody on our Patreon Edit their $40 pledge to $5 And it just It was just a shot to the heart Why was it okay Was he 40 dollars

Because he was like I really believe in the mission And then like five dollars Because he's like I still like this show But it's like It had to have been an accident Okay

I like I think it wasn't Because it's like He was just like I suppose the mission, but you're not making any progress against these seven-year-olds. They're still making these posts. You're not putting it in debt. Yeah. Yeah, we're not

making any of them log off. Oh, speaking of, this list has a the reasons Halo 3 is better than Fortnite, the second list has Trigger Trash Kit on it. Whoa. Oh. There's a rotating cast of

characters and near-do-wells from the top tens that we interact with or don't interact with that we view on a pretty regular basis. We do not interact. And Trigger Trash Kid. Caleb interacts, but... No, I don't.

Patrick Interacts. Patrick Canterman interact. No, Caleb interact. We interact with each other. Caleb interacts with the... Trigger Trash Kid is one of the all-timers, though. He says... Was he...

Life is a meme, sarcasm is an art. Cows go quack. Was Trigger... Was Trigger Trash Kid the one... Was he the Dangerous Isis weapons? I think so, yeah. Oh, so he's like... He's kind of like...

like a more worldly worldly, worldly seven-year-old. He's like... Yeah, he was the one who said that if ISIS ever got a hold of the

dub-step gun. I think about that all the time. Yeah. Is this constructing the dubstep gun? What is the dubstep gun?

I think it's from Morrow 3. It's something he made up. No, no, it's in Saints Row 3. It's also, it must be in worms from Saints Row then.

Or the other way around. It is in worms it's in worms. Worms, whichever one that is. Yeah, worms reloaded, or worms onloaded, or worms gun loaded. Worms dirt loaded. They're trying to do a pun, and they fucked up.

Yeah, if I just got the dubstep gun, that would be truly catastrophic. So I was not a Saints Row player. I played Saints Row in just when I was waiting, I think, in between GTA San Andreas, GTA 4, because I was like, all right, we need some of us. I think two. And it literally depressed me too much. Like, it made me depressed. It was the only one I ever played.

Because it was just like, I got this feeling where it was like, this just isn't. Oh, shit, hold up. It is a GKEA. This isn't legal. It's too crazy. Yeah. Michael Rappaport was the voice of the one white guy in Saints Row 1, the one white guy in the game. You know he was pissed when he started it up and he was white in the game, too?

He was like, what the fuck? He's the only white guy. He's the fucking, he's the undercover. And they made. me a fed, shit. He was so mad. He plays like a fat Italian guy with a middle part. I got to find a picture of this.

Michael Rappaport. St.R. 2? I'm looking this up. St.R. 1. It's like Troy, I think. Oh, damn, dude. Troy. Yeah.

He's the chief of police in St. Row 2. Oh, my God. Well, Michael Rappaport probably, like. like wishes he looked like like he obviously primarily wishes he was white but like well yeah because this guy has this character has like a pencil thin mustache that he maybe could play off for Puerto Rican but yeah I mean Michael Rappaport cannot grow facial hair no he can't he has a smooth but bumpy face he's a smooth but mold face yeah no he is he's half mold he's half fungal yeah did you guys you guys remember when he got in some fight with Dan lebitard

and Levitard kept posting that Dan Levitard from ESPN. Uh-oh, that's his name? Yeah. They Levitard, that's right. He kept posting that picture of Michael Rappaport with that fucked up red spot on his chin. Oh, yeah, the hurt. And then Michael Rappaport was like, he went on his, like, radio show at the time that has, like, he had like a hype man. And I just remember listening to it because I kept up with.

with the beef and Michael Rappaport was like and you had the nerve to bring up that photo of me with a lesion on my face it's not herpes it's a lesion and then his height man was like yeah that's right it's a legion fucking rock dude he had he had a weird like pro wrestling

as bit on his show that his son he had a young assistant of his rebellion against him but I think it was just him it was very strange it was a very strange act of theater theater of the mind dude he's a comedian capital C he can't stop

he's an entertainer dude he's like he's like Coffman Reborn that's right I think he wanted to call himself Michael the entertainer yeah no he wanted to go with like a he wanted to do

like a hamburger-esque like food name but like soup or something soup yeah soup bread that's how he

all his jokes he fucking rocks all right we're uh you did your time felix we can let you go you talk about you talk about toys and Michael Rappaport I embarrassed myself talking about toys

I lost a lot of activists cred you're always welcome to come back on and correct the record but I would love to I would love to but for now you are known as sort of a sort of you know a crypto parent in a way crypto principle Well, I am teacher adjacent, unfortunately.

Yeah, you are. Yeah, you engage in teacher spaces a lot. It's kind of, it's kind of suss. But thanks, man. I'm not going to ask if you have anything to plug because, you know. This is Suss episode four with Will Mennaker. I just posted. Okay, all right.

All right, go for it. Go listen to that. Thanks, Felix. Thanks, thank you, thank you. Hey, what's up? We forgot to do the. Patreon subscribers, so I'm going to thank all you guys real quick. Thank you Trip Liquid. That's a sick fucking name. I hope that's your real name. I do. Thank you, Marcin, or Markin. Thank you very

much. Tucker upgraded the pledge to $10. Thank you, Tucker Menzies. That's a Master Chief subscription right there, so thank you very much. Lelo, thank you. Sam McGorrin, or McGowan. I don't know how to pronounce these names. Nate, thank you to Nate. Court Hansen. Thank you. Spencer Greenfield. Thank you. Stephen Diaz, $10, Master Chief. They should call you Spartan 117, Stephen Diaz, if you ask me.

Anthony Alves, thank you. Griffin McGee. Thank you. Matthew Majerosi. Thank you very much. Vince, I assume that's Vince McMahon. Thank you a lot. Let's see. Brock Billings.

you so much um uh mr business back again double dipping thank you mr business we love you uh george kenny thank you afg ten dollar patron that's the master chief so thank you so much yes thank you to yes um david cordeluski thank you for uh subscribing and um yeah that's it thanks guys uh check out my my sound cloud