Podcast About List - Ep. 99 - Travis the pimp (w. Matt Watson)

Episode Date: May 13, 2020

1,000 armies of angry chimps fucking up suckas faces and hands like nobodys freaking monkey business. follow Matt @matthwatson and check out super mega.

You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. Podcasts to the ball list. You're really crap monster. Maddie, man? We've been talking big shit. We've been here. I am. I'm ready, guys.

I drank my protein this morning. I'm fucking, I'm ready. I'm pumped in. Oh, my God. What kind of protein did you drink? Yeah. I drink this high testosterone, um,

like testosterone boosts. protein, because I think, honestly, that's probably the best defense against COVID right now. It's just being so manly that it's scared of you. Well, it's proven that the higher your testosterone levels are, the more protected you are against COVID-19, which is why so many women are getting it. Wow, that's insane. Sorry, ladies. Why have I been worried about anything?

Yeah, I don't think you guys have anything to be worried about. No. I got too much tea. Yeah, I have so much tea that it pushed all the hair out of my head. Yeah. That's true. I don't know if that's true, though. I think that's maybe like a cope that people have.

I think that's kind of a lie. But people say, like, yeah, sometimes you have so much testosterone that it turns you into a bald gay baby. And every guy who is bald looks so shitty. I actually lost all of my hair because I have too much testosterone. You know, like there's just so much of this manliness flowing through me that I lost all of my hair but you know it's just a it's a side effect of being so masculine exactly yeah it's a give and take you know it just fries your hair from the inside all the all the all the look like the

rock all the the male the male thoughts just fizz inside your head and they fuck up your follicles and all your hair shoots out it shoots out like a darts but it's a good it's a good trade because like yes on one hand i have so much testosterone that the hair i don't have any hair but i also can't come or get a bone or two as a side effect of having so much testosterone in my body, you know. Yeah. So that's good. I'm gonna, my hair's gonna be gone in two years. You have two years?

Me too. Probably, yeah. It's starting to thin. I can tell. Like I look in the mirror, I see it's going up. I'm like, uh-oh. I'm 24 right now, so I'm guessing by 26, it's going to be gone. Dude, my shit started going when I was like 17.

Yeah, you were like going bald when I first met you. Yeah, dude. God hates you. Your hair used to look crazy. Your hair was awesome. Back when you were, like, trying to deny that you were going balls. Yeah. Yeah, I held onto it for a long time, Matt. Don't be me. You have beautiful hair. You have beautiful little boy hair. No, no, no, no. It might look like that on camera, but it's actually very thin and greasy.

You have a little baby hair. Yeah. Yeah, it's a little baby hair. You have such, like, toss-lable hair. I just want to patch you on the head. I'm all sweaty. I went skating. I look like... Oh. Nice, dude.

Oh, skater boy. Patrick just revealed his hair, and Matt went. No, no, that was a, that was a, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, he was a, he's a skater boy, and that impressed me. Yeah. Oh, are you a skater, Matt? I, I, I dabble. When I was in, like, fourth grade, I tried skateboarding. Nice.

Oh, yeah? That's the best age to start. When did you start, I really hurt myself. You hurt yourself in fourth grade? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I heard myself. Doing what? You go down a hill?

yeah yeah i went on i went on a ramp and i fell and i and i smacked my head and i passed out i didn't i don't want to skate anymore and then when i was in about seventh grade i decided i want to pick it back up in my next door neighbors uh they were like a couple years older than me they were they were maybe like 16 17 i thought they were really cool and i saw they were skateboarding so i was like oh fuck i'm gonna go join them so i got my my skateboard out and i I started skating towards them, and I hit a rock, like a little rock, and it just made the skateboard stop, and I fell off, I flew off, and I smacked my elbow, and I was trying so hard not to cry.

I was holding back tears, and they were all looking at me, and I just got up and went back inside. So, since then, I haven't skated that much. You haven't paid up a board since. Yeah, you should try it when there's no rocks, there's no pebbles. Yeah, you should skate on the beach. Yeah. I'll try that.

That's the best spot. You should try your kitchen floor or something. They filled up Venice Park with a bunch of sand. You can just go there now and just fucking... It's the perfect time, yeah. Yeah. It's a surfer's paradise. Exactly.

A stairs park with sand? Yeah. Oh my God. Dude, it's awesome. Go in there with like some Johnny Capahala 2 board. Just fuck that place up. I don't know what you're talking about. Exactly.

The Disney movie? Johnny Tsunami 2? Oh, okay. Yo, I've never heard of Johnny Tsunami 2. until this week and then it's weird that now you you bring it up because earlier this week I was in Ventura and I had a cocktail called Johnny Tsunami and I was like oh that's a funny name and then now I'm hearing that name again in the same week I'm thinking there might be some kind of weird simulation glitch going on oh my god Johnny tsunami broke the damn sim I had that's

that's what did it I had a giant simulation glitch today I posted about this but I went to Dunkin' Donuts as you can see and I had I I pulled up it's a no so So far, to the point where I order my drink, it's a completely normal experience. I get a cold brew. It's 319. But then I get up to pay for it. And I see that my cashier's name tag says her name, her name is meech, creech. That's what they said.

And I was like, I had to give, I had to give my fiance. You had to give your ID. to buy Dunkin' Donuts. Is your name also Meach Creach? You get 10% off if your name is also Meach Kreach. I was uncontrollably laughing as soon as I looked at her name tag, just like in this woman's face. And so I had to have my fiancé pay for the drink

because I couldn't even look at it. I had to hand her my car to be like, you have to hand this to Meach Creach. My thing is... Oh, go ahead. So that's nobody's name... Nobody's name is Meach Kreech, first of all. But also, why...

Her first name had to be Meach Kreech, because you don't put your last name on a name... Yeah, that's what I was about to say, right? I was about to say your last name doesn't go on it, so her first name is just Meach-Kreech. Meach-Wilson. Or maybe it's like an each-e-hero situation. Yeah. It's a what?

It's an Eichy Ro situation where they put Eichiro on his jersey. Oh, maybe. Yeah. It could be an Eichy Roe situation. I'm going to go back to Dunkin' Donuts tomorrow and be like, excuse me, man. Is this an Eichyro situation or is your first name two words? One of them being Meach, the other being Creech. You're going to go back there tomorrow and be like, oh, can I, I had a question for Meach-Creech,

and they're going to send you to a mental hospital. I just want to call and be like, has there ever been anybody, not even who works here, has there ever been somebody named Meach-C-C-C-E-C-E-C-E-C-E-C-E-C-H? I'm going to look this up real quick. I just want to look this name up. Me-E-C-H-M-E-C-H? M-E-E-C-H-C-R-E-E-C-H. It's a catchyy name, I will say.

Yeah, it rhymes. I found someone on TikTok named Meach-Creech. So I also found that earlier because I, Okay. I was like, okay, to confirm that I'm not just completely going crazy, I need to see if this woman exists, but she doesn't have like a Facebook or, uh, or like an Instagram, at least not under the name Meach Creach, but she does have a TikTok at Meach and Creed. Yeah, I thought, is that her? It's like a, it's like a girl that looks like she might work

at Dunkin' Donuts. Yes. Yeah, yeah, it is her. I confirmed. It is her. Yeah, her name's Meach Creach, yeah. Her name is Meach Creach. Also, she was the only person in the Dunkin' Donuts whose name tag was handwritten everybody else had a typed one and hers they refused

they refused to print that shit they were like no you make you want that on there you make it yourself it's not even the computer

just won't print that that's not a name when they tried to get it to print mech creach error error meech is not a name yeah

a 404 on that one but yeah Man, that was, that was fucked up. That's awesome. That's fucking ridiculous. Yeah. You know, COVID, you know, these quarantine times got everyone going a little crazy. Yeah.

How have you been? You just, you're in L.A., right? We didn't even introduce him. Oh, yeah. We're hearing Matt, Matt Watson, from Super Mega. Hey, everyone. How's it going, Matt? Hey, it's going great.

You know, I'm just chilling in quarantine. Actually, quarantine was supposed to end on Thursday. And then today, they extended it for three more months. Damn. So, yeah, we're dealing with that. but that sucks other than that it's it's pretty it's pretty fucking good yeah yeah i've never properly you know said hello to any of you guys hello caleb you can go ahead now yeah yeah hey how's it going it's good man patrick hello nice to meet you hi nice meeting you too

hello wait i'm trying to skip through and cameron it's nice to meet you cameron nice to meet you man thank you oh my god you guys are a couple of handsome boys thank you couple you're not yeah and yeah well it's the hair yeah I know it is the hair I know your team hair because of your head

but you know what Matt you're pretty good looking yourself buddy shucks yeah thank you so much I'm just King Caleb you're really handsome first time I ever saw you on a Twitter video I said who's that handsome man and how can I use my way into his world yeah yeah and then you did you did a good job

I did yeah yeah somehow did yeah somebody uh yeah somebody uh yeah Somebody who I know who's a big fan of yours, I guess, noticed that you were following me. Is it a 14-year-old boy? It's a, yeah, it's one of my 14-year-old boyfriends that I play Nerf Battles with. He, uh... We got him. We got him.

We got him. Caleb has 14-year-old boyfriends. No, not boy-space friends. Space boyfriends? No, oh my God, man. Do you see what I have to fucking deal with? I don't have any... You have 14-year-old boyfriends in space.

No, I don't. Yeah, it's illegal in space. Do you have four teen, teen-year-old boyfriends, so four boyfriends there are teens? Yes, or 14-year-old boyfriends. Oh, no. It's both. It's both. It's all.

It's bad either way. No. I feel like I'm caught up in a web of lies. But I don't have boyfriends. Or teenage. Fuck you guys. Come on. I was thinking, we do have, I feel like our, our, our, but,

of both the fan base or your your fan base is the exact kind of people that we make fun of on this show yeah yeah because we we go on a website called the top tens and we and it's all just kids who probably have like a super mega quote in their bio um and i i love i i think about putting a super mega quote in my bio as well you guys should too yeah i might throw one in give us a give us a anything out of your mouth is a super mega quote that's true yeah one for our bios yeah you can you can just grab anyone out of this entire podcast. It's free to use. And just snippet.

Okay. Yeah, just snip it. Snip it, please. All right, good to know. Or put the date I noticed you on Twitter in your bio. Yeah, Matt followed. Matt followed four, whatever, whatever. Because, like, we have a lot, like, most of our fans are, like, I'd say, like, above 18,

but then there's a big, a big, loud minority that's, like, 14 to 16. Yeah, and kids are a minority. We've been, we've been. We've been over this, yeah. For quite a long time. Kids are... We're pro-kids. We're anti-princi-princi-princi-Principal, anti-parent,

anti-homework. Pro lunch and recess. Uh-huh. Fuck, yeah. Anti-class, anti-Gim. Lunchables, luncheim, honestly. Lunchables for all. That's one of our platforms.

I had a dream last night. I was buying luncheables. Damn. I got one the other day. I got a ham-and-swiss lunchable. Man. Those are actually my least favorite. Really?

The ham and Swiss lunchable? Yeah. turkey turkey and cheddar yeah i don't know i don't know i don't know what particular like it was just a particular day where the ham and swiss hit i don't know swiss is just such a bland tasting cheese doesn't taste like shit no the swiss it didn't taste like swiss it tasted like shit no i don't no swiss tastes like swiss tastes like you are like remembering what cheese tastes like and you get like oh yeah kind of all right yeah there's something there a memory of cheese you're on passing in your brain.

Yeah, exactly. Just like a synapse, the cheese synapse is going, like, is firing. It tastes like a picture of cheese. Yeah, exactly. It tastes like how a picture of cheese tastes. Yeah. I was thinking about kids cuisine the other day. How fucked is it that they give you a frozen brownie?

Oh, dude. That was my favorite part. And actually, this sounds weird, but I think that sometimes, you know, like the corn would kind of end up in the brownie. Yeah, under the fucking brownies. I liked that shit. No, I liked that shit. It was pretty good.

Listen, that's why they put it in the hungry man, too. I expect this kind of behavior from Patrick, but you make it. I mean, come on, dude. I'm glad Matt and I agreed on that, like, almost instantly. It's not bad. It's really not bad. And I love how Hungry Man's just the grown-up version of kid cuisine, but they still like, we'll put the brownie in there. We need that fucking brownie in there. It's a transitioning food from kids to adulthood.

Hungry Man was like, they were, they originally called it abusive husband cuisine. but then they were like I guess we'll go hungry man I see fucking like 45 year old dude in the tank top sitting in front of his TV eating one of those and the chicken the chicken was my favorite but god damn it was so soggy every time flip it over the underside it's just

smooth and soggy they I think one time I ate a feather out of one of them like I swear to God I swear to God I pulled a fucking feather out unless there was some kind of muscle tendon that looked like a feather you pulled it out and I pulled it out of my mouth and I put it in the tray and then you put it back in your mouth I ate the rest of it I fucking paid for it yeah the rest of the feather and a hungry man

I think I did Jesus Christ it was when I was in community college oh you got a little more than you paid for that's a bar yeah ooh I got the whole damn bird I think that the most piss poor excuse of a luncheables is the nachos one because it's like that's not a meal that's just a bunch of little little tiny little circular chips and some horrible cheese sauce from a 7-11 like pump yeah that's baby food that's fucking hot dog stands but they are pretty good i will say you gave me little chips and slop yeah and you expect me to do things with this uh-uh that's not a lunchable that's a snackable yeah yeah god damn right go off snackable bitch go off

cameron yeah now they have like uh they have lunchable like extremes now what is that Those are for the bullies. Those are the bullies food. It's just like a burrito, though. It's just like slightly one step up from the shitty nachos. It's like we have several tiers of luncheables food. You can have some circular corn chips or you can have a really shitty burrito. And the burrito is going to be classified as extreme because this is one step higher on the food chain.

Exactly. Also, with the burrito, you can eat that and skateboard. It's true. Remember there was a Lunchables kid, right? There was like a mascot. Yeah, it was you. He, no. You ate all of them.

That's why you're like this now. That's what, yeah. No, but he like looked, it was like some claymation kid. He kind of looked like the Fruit Punch guy. But the Fruit Punch guy is wearing a hat. So I don't know. Like his hair looked like the Fruit Punch guy's hat. I'm going to Google Lunchable's mascot.

Yeah. It was Rob Deerdeck for a little bit. In 2013, Rob, what? What? Rob Deereck was the lunchebles guy, yeah. That's what directly landed him his job in the fantasy factory. He was after that.

They said, this guy's so fucking good in the lunchebles commercials. We're going to give him his own factory of fantasy. We're going to make him the foreman of the fantasy factory. There was, so there was a line of lunchables called Lunchables Uploaded. Oh, I remember that, yeah. Yeah, and Rob Deirdek was the spokesman for Lunchables uploaded because of ridiculousness and stuff. I connect to that as a YouTuber.

I like it a lot. It's the only ones I eat. All that's coming up with for the luncheble's mascot is a platypus and a jackalope. For luncheable's mixed up. Mixed up challenges, it says. Mixed up at fun. Here's Rob Deerick and the Jabalwaukee's for lunchebles uploaded. How many fucking iterations of luncheables were there?

I have no idea. They went through a lot. Oh, man. The platypus is just... The platypus is just a real platypus. It's not like the Apple tax mascot. Yeah. My least favorite fucking mascot in this type of realm is the SpaghettiOs one.

Oh, the Spaghetti-O? Oh. Yeah. Because, like, I don't know... Because he's... Well, it's like an open ring, but they make it look like it's his mouth. Oh, yeah. It makes literally no sense.

He's got a tongue coming up, like, under his chin. Yeah, it makes no sense. And then I remember they got in a lot of trouble because they did that, was it the Pearl Harbor tweet? Yeah, it did Pearl Harbor. Yeah. It did a Pearl Harbor Spaghetti's tweet. Yeah, with him holding an American flag. And it says, take a moment to remember hashtag Pearl Harbor with us.

And that's a picture of Spaghettios mascot holding an American flag. Oh, my God. That was one of the best times to be online that day. Just that day. I remember when that happened. That was one of the most beautiful moments of the internet. That went on American Airlines tweeted out the picture of the woman model airplane in her vagina.

How did that happen? Like that had to be intentional. Yeah. That was back when like the pictures didn't like have a preview, so you had to click on it to open it. It was like a twit pick or whatever. Yeah, and then you had to click the link and it would open in the app. Yeah, man.

Wendy's ruined all that shit, man. Yeah. Wendy's hired some fucking, some fucking. vassar grad and they were like yeah you get to like some vassar grad with a fave star in his bio yeah exactly let's make yeah cut on his eyebrow and they're like oh let's make

Evangelian ketchup art that's yeah it fucking sucks man and now all the brands go yeah now we got Steakams yeah you have steakams Steakams followed me and kept DMing me oh no way exposed it was it was just the most

obnoxious like brand trying to be funny shit damn they were just trying to riff with you or they were they didn't want anything no they weren't they weren't doing like it wasn't like a sponsorship they were trying to hire you no they were just riffing with me and I was like

I love riffing with the Steakams brand on Twitter it is DM you like sometimes Stakems be hitting different that's the whole thing sorry mom let me call you back I just got a DM from Stakems again yeah yeah man Wendy's fucking ruined it now like you know

And he did start that. Subway is trying to pretend they didn't have the pedophile guy as their main dude for 20 years. They're just like fucking women deserve 70 or 80% of the

sense. It's like you had a fucking Yeah. You gave a pedophile a 200 million dollars. You let him go around the country to schools. He's in supersized me going to a fucking school telling kids how hard it is to lose weight. so many pictures of him at movie

premieres, I found. Yeah, what the fuck, yeah. Like a year ago. Yeah, you can just Google, Jerry's Fogel movie premiere. He was at a bunch of Avengers movies, I think, and he was at maybe the Scooby-Doo movie. There's like a bunch of, a bunch of stuff. Because he's a real hero. He was in movies? He wasn't in them. He was just got invited to the

premieres. He was in Super Size Me. Yeah, with Morgan Spurlock. I was surprised Morgan Spurlock didn't convince him to stop being a pedophile with his brilliant wit. Yeah, so what if Morgan Spurlock makes a documentary called super pedophile me yeah and he's a pedophile every day for 30 days and he sees how much weight he loses yeah he sees how much weight he loses and he also he has to convince Jared fogle to

stop being a pedophile yeah that's pretty smart and we made this in 2008 it would have killed honestly before Obama got elected that would have been like that would have been like yeah thanks a lot Obama came around and ruined everything we can't make we can't have pedophiles anymore I know, yeah. God damn it. Before Obama, you could make, what was that movie with, like, Morgan Freeman? And it was right after March of the Penguins came out, and it was called like, fuck of the shit penguins.

Oh, Mars of the Penguins? Fars of the Penguins. That's way off. And it's, whatever. It's the same footage from March of the Penguins, but it's just Morgan's, or Morgan Freeman being like, I suck my pussy, you stupid penguin. Yeah. Yeah, Bob Saggots in that.

Dude, it's good, man. Yeah. I hated that fucking movie. March of the Penguins are Farrs. Much of the Penguins. I didn't see Fars. I should have seen that. I've never even heard of that.

But March of the Penguins was one of the... I saw in theaters. One of those boring movies I think I've ever seen. Yeah, man. I was young. I was homeschooled at the time. And my mom was like... Because when you're homeschooled, you're not schooled at all.

And so my mom was like, today we're going to watch a movie for school. And so we just went to the movie. And I was like, fuck, I would I rather would have been doing that. math. Fucking boring-ass, stupid penguin movie. What a, what a shit? They should have done, like, a movie about tigers. Yeah.

That's what they figured out with, like, planet Earth, was they were like, oh, you have to show things getting eaten. Yeah. Right. Like, you can't just have, like, a penguin sitting on an egg. I mean, honestly. You can have a family walk in at, like, two miles per hour and just waddling, and that's it.

Yeah, slowest walk ever. In a bleak white background. Yeah, penguins are, like, the most boring thing to choose for that. They're just like slow birds that can't even fly And they just walk around Yeah, and it's just snow There's nothing Exactly

They could have just made like that They could have made that movie in a G-mod map They could have just done that Would have been more interesting A more interesting A movie would have just been like March of the Guy And they just follow a guy around For a year

Because guys do stuff Yeah, exactly March of Daniel Yeah And then he went to the, he went to the, to the arcade. Today, Daniel went to Dave and Busters. He went, yeah, he went to Dave and Busters and he put his name on the game as ASS. Yeah.

I would have been like, oh, it's kind of, that's actually kind of funny. When I got my first cell phone, I did that, and I took a, I remember I took a picture, and I sent it to, like, every one of my contacts. Nice. And I bet it killed. It, it fell. It landed. It stuck.

You should send that to Stacob's. Yeah. Yeah, y'all, check this out. and I'm sure Stakems would Whatever college intern is running the Twitter account We'd get quite the chuckle out of that Yeah, it's the ad-exit son Yeah, it's the executive son

Is it true? Oh yeah Oh fuck, I just shit talked to him I didn't know it's the executive son Yeah, dude, you never eat Stakems again At Stakems Dude, you just fumbled that bag so hard Oh my God, bro

I just blew the fucking Stakebs deal, God damn it All right, this first list I sent a link in the Zoom chat Matt. This first list is called Top Ten Stupidest Ways to Defend Yourself from a Murderer. Okay. And you strike me as sort of like a... Well, you mentioned you use the same microphone as Joe Rogan.

So you... Like the actual same microphone? Like the one that he uses? Yeah, no, he let me borrow it. Yeah. At the same time, I figured you have to be sort of like a self-defense, karate, fighting other guys kind of fell a kind of

style guy so I figured we would do like a self-defense themed list for you thank you thank you when you see me do I strike you as the type of guy that you know you might get in a fight with you might like you might blow on the street with I'll put it this way you are not the kind of guy

I would try to murder you strike me as a you know I'm 130 pounds right 130 pounds a pure lean muscle you already fucking said, you're taking testosterone laced protein at the beginning of this thing. You think I'm going to fuck with you? Be kidding you? You'll crush me between your bicep

and your forearm, like a melon. My big fucking muscles. Yeah, I don't know what you're hiding, you know? Dude, like, when I'm really on the testosterone, when I'm really on the T, uh, T, yeah. These, these things fucking explode out of my

arms. You should see it. Yeah, they just, it rips the skin. Oh my God. Oh my shit. Whoa. Plus, you have a tattoo. It's a Simpsons tattoo. Oh, my God, dude. Fuck.

See, I wouldn't fuck with you. I see the, you know, 130 pounds of... He looks exactly like Joe Rogan. Yeah. We go to the gym together. I'm trying to beef up like him. I'm trying to lose my hair and get as red as him, too. That's where you grabbed up.

I mean, I think it's just something that happens when you're bald. Look at how red I am. Yeah. Yeah. And I think you were always red. No, you've been pretty red You've always been pretty red I was almost never red

Until I shaved my head No No you guys are You unlocked your redness chakra That didn't So top ten stupidest ways To defend yourself from a murderer Do you have it up

Do you have it up? Are you able to have it up Matt Yes I have to Google it Because I don't have Zoom on my computer Hold on Send it to them over like Twitter or something To defend yourself Oh, I should have done that.

Top 10 ways to defend yourself in Minecraft. No, here, I'll just send it to you on Twitter. Oh, I got it, I got it, I got it. Oh, my God, he's a genius with the computer. You know, I, no, I don't have it actually. Oh, yep, there it is. I found it, sorry. All right, we're good, we're good.

All right. Nice. Number one, grab their knife by the blade. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know how that, I mean, come on, that's a rookie mistake. Yeah. You know, that's not one you want to do. I'll tell you that right now.

Be an attack by a murderer, you grab their knife by the blade. That's the first week, the first month of self-defense classes they just tell you over and over. Do not grab the knife by the blade. That's going to be your first instinct. Also, if this is a, if it could double as good advice if you are a murderer, is don't grab your own knife by the blade. They're giving away all the secrets right now, honestly. Even a chef's apprentice, don't do that.

Yeah, anybody who messes with knives, you know, a little kid. Anybody in general, honestly. Doesn't even matter if you're messing with the knife. So far, it's more just life advice than anything else. Matt, have you ever been murdered? Once, once back in like eighth grade. Back in eighth grade? And did you survive?

No, I didn't. I had to hear that. Yeah, no, it sucked. It did. It sucked. It was kind of a really shitty day. Just as you're starting to love somebody, they get murdered in eighth grade. I'm in that situation right now, so.

I'm sorry to hear that. Somebody's a trigger, don't trigger trash kid. There's a, there's kind of a rotating cast of 13-year-olds on this website who we see in every single list, and this is one of them. And he says, I got bandages. Shit, he's got answers to everything, too. That's a bad ass. Solver.

Yeah. In the middle of being stabbed, you're just going to rip out some bandages. That would be the ultimate. The ultimate, fuck you move to the murderer. Yeah. Sorry, buddy. I have a health pack on my wall. Like, Halo Combat Evolve.

I'll just grab that. We're good. I got a pocket full of gauze. He just pulls out and unravels and wraps around his hand right after grabbing the blade. Yeah, sorry, buddy. I have a self-revive. That's right. I'm overheeled.

You only hit my shield. You only hit my shield. You didn't even do that much damage. Yeah, you broke one bar shield. Yeah, and I actually get to make a counterattack, actually, no. It's my turn now. You attacked. It's my turn.

Somebody else says, if you were to grab this incorrectly, it would result in your hand bleeding. But if you were able to grab the knife at the correct angle, it may be a possibility to get it. from the burglar without cutting yourself. I think the only... You just pinch it. Yeah. You have that really strong fingers to do that.

What other part of the knife is exposed? You'd have his hand all the way around the grip. Yeah, you just use two fingers and pinch the five millimeters of grip that's exposed outside. Maybe you do... Maybe you clap it. You clothe a knife like this. A clap might work. Honestly, pull it towards you.

Yeah, you clap it, and then you pull it towards you. it towards you. You pull it right here. Yeah. And that's going to cut your third eye right open and then you can do some psionic attacks at it. Yeah, you can unleash the DMT that's actually in your body. Yeah.

By dying. You're naturally occurring DMT. Yeah, the naturally occurring DMT. You can see his deepest insecurities. There's another comment. There's a pair of comments here that says, Sir Sheep comments, why would this be a problem? And then someone responds,

That's Sir Sheep. You might hurt yourself with a blade like that. The dark one, 221B. It's a terrifying. Dude, he has a clapback, though. Sir Sheep has the fucking clapback. You see that? Oh, the internet.

The place where you must explain every sarcastic comment. Sometimes I forget that I'm not saying these things to people in person. Ooh. Shit. Some ice for that burn. Yeah, sometimes people take the gloves off in these comments, man. Yeah. That's fucking shit.

number two you headbut their weapon out of their hands that seems fine that seems like I mean if if if you headbutt the weapon out of their hands if it works that's good right fire mist in the comments brings up a great point you'll shoot your head that's actually yeah I didn't think about that because I forget that so many guns have another trigger on the barrel just in case somebody head butts it and it automatically shoots them That's that little thing on top of the revolver, the little fin on top of like the revolver mural. The sticky thing that sticks up?

Yeah, the sticky thing that a cowboy. Oh, no, no, the thing at the, oh, okay, the thing. Yeah. The front. That's the second trigger. Yeah. That's the secret trigger. You hit that bad boy with your head, you're going to get popped.

Yeah. Yeah. But if you can get the murderer to headbutt the weapon, if you can trick them into headbutting it. If you can send, murderers are so susceptible to dares. Yeah. That if you just say, you can say, What are the odds?

What are the odds you headbutt your own gun and shoot yourself in the brain? They're betting people. One in five. Yeah. And you count it down and that's actually a pretty high chance he's going to get it. That's a pretty good chance that you're going to get off Scott Free too. Because you also can't get in trouble for murder if it was on a bet. If it was a fair, what are the odds?

Then I could see that holding up in court. Exactly, yeah. The judge would be like, well, it was the odds. Yeah. And if it doesn't, you can just ask the judge, what are the odds? odds you draw that everything is dropped I'll give you one in eight three two one seven everybody goes seven

you fucker I'm free and guess what I'm going to do it again yeah I'm going to do this over and over and it doesn't matter that I'm saying this in court I can do it as many times that's how Casey Anthony got off actually yeah what are the odds i didn't kill my kid that's also how that's also why she did it in the first

place though sat yeah the kid could only count to one what are the odds one ah shit she didn't want to do it she didn't want to do it but she's the odds of the odds though yeah she's somebody she respects if you're with kacey anthony and you are walking out with your parents from the grocery store and you call shotgun she's not going to say blitz she's not going to try to steal that from you you get to ride shotgun yeah she's going to honor that no matter what she honors it and that's why an honorable person yeah yeah number three tickled them as a distraction i feel like this one would actually work it could work yeah i don't think so well what if you're being murdered by a kid um one of one of one of one of calab's four

14-year-old boy. No. No, Matt. No. Not? You've got to say not at the end of that. Yeah, then you're in trouble because there's 14 of them. Exactly.

You can't tickle them all at once. Yeah, I can. You can tickle 14 boys at once. No, I can't. No, I can tickle no boys. Fuck, dude. You just set yourself up. You set yourself up for that, dude.

Yeah, you set yourself up on 14. dates to the playground. I should work if I'm being killed by a tickle me Elmo. Oh my God. But not much else. Yeah. Yeah, or a tickle me Caleb. Or a tickle me Caleb.

Which is just normal me. That's pretty ticklish. That would be the reddish guy. That would be the craziest looking thing. I think the tickle me Caleb. Yeah. It's just like a bald kid's boy that's covered in tattoos. I look like a cat is tickle me.

It has the face-apped monkey face. Yeah. Every time I think about tickle me Elmo, I think about that poor woman that got her face ripped off as a result of a... Yeah, Travis. Travis, yeah.

Friend of the show. Oh, yeah, Charlemash, dude. Yeah, all because she was holding the tickle me Elmo. Yeah. It was a tickle me Elmo, and she also had got a haircut, so Travis didn't recognize her.

And also she gave Travis. Man X. Oh, yeah, Matt, this is a, you just stumbled into, like, one of our biggest knowledge basis, I would say, us three share. Travis, the chimpanzee attack. White women that have been attacked by chimpanzees. Exactly. Yeah.

We have one. It's fun. They do an interview with her, like, every two or three years on NBC. Oh, I thought you to Cameron and Patrick. You were like, yeah, they do an interview with her every 17 years. We do. That's pretty sweet. Every couple years, she gets, like, a new surgery, and they, you know.

They do a new interview with her, and every year it's, like, a little longer because she's a little more, like, easy to look at on her a little longer. But recently, like, they gave her eyes, which is here. Damn. Because she, for a while, she just looked like, she looked like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix when they take his mouth away, but for his eyes also. She looks like, though, yeah, she kind of looked like the putty guys from Power Rangers. She looks claymation. But they're getting close to making her really hot. One of these days.

One of these days, she's going to be so fuckable. Oh, my God. One of the surgeries is going to be a big old tit job. That was the first one they did. She didn't do it. They didn't do it. anything that Travis didn't touch any part of her body except for fits in her hands but they were like while she's under Travis did you a favor yeah Jesus Christ we put some

huge fucking from bees to these yeah we got you Charlotte Nash has has absolutely bolted on tits now oh oh Charlotte boy if you want to come on and set the record straight um by showing us that you don't have I'm sure she's an avid listener, and I'm sure that that also this conversation she would approve of. Well, yeah, she's a total whore for attention. I mean, I told you, she keeps going on TV, bragging that she doesn't have any hands. I mean, just. Oh, my God.

Matt knocked my phone off my desk. She's a huge super mega fan. I don't know. I don't know why. She's always comedy. the videos. Yeah. H, H, H, H, H, H, H, H.

I'm sorry, I don't know what it is. That makes me want to be so mean to you. It's because you're, it's because of the face. I look like, I look like Travis and I recognize him as my reflection and I feel the need to defend him. He actually did it because he was on Xanax, and apparently in chimpanzees that causes paranoia and hallucinations. Yeah, I don't know why you would give a monkey a human drug. Well, it wasn't he didn't?

Well, first of all, it would be very funny. Like that video of that monkey smoking weed? Yeah. Well, yeah, you know that monkey fucking just disemboweled one of those guys immediately after. Nothing's funny to me than monkeys smoking cigarettes. That's one of the funniest things in the entire world to me. It's funny that they know what to do with them. Like, they get a monkey gets a cigarette.

Yeah, it's like they immediately know what to do with a cigarette. It's crazy. It's in our ancestral memories. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, you can meditate, and the caveman knowledge will come back to you of how to correctly smoke a cigarette if you don't know how. It's true. Yeah. Do you imagine a caveman cigarette all covered in like...

Yeah, man, it was a mammothed tuss. Yeah. It was a giant... It was a giant spike. No, not even hollowed out. It was a leather razzed up. Wrapped cigarette. It was a saber-tooth, tiger-tooth, dude.

Just smoking leather. Smoking that wheel. Yeah. Smoking that caveman wheel. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, fine, let me hit that wheel. Number four, hit them with a pillow.

Good work. Somebody says, how about a pillow of rocks? Whoa. Yeah. That's a really good point. When I was a kid, I thought, I heard, that people in, like, people have socks full of quarters as like a defense thing.

And so I would walk around my house with one. I just thought it was cool. You're defending it's your mom giving you chores. And you can swing it around. Yeah, how about you try doing the dishes, Nathan? Like a greaser standing on a corner with a chain, just kind of spinning it around. Yeah. There's a comment by Trigger Trash Gade that says, no, I have can't.

Andy stuffed in it. What? In the pillow, not the pillowcase. That's what I did. I used to trick or treat with the pillowcase. Oh, me too. That's the best way to do it.

Yeah. You can all see the most volume. Exactly, yeah. I think I've talked, I probably posted about it before, but there's like, here's another Patrick story. I did a, we went from, like, my aunts were my neighbors, or were my neighbors, and we had like a bowl out that said like take one so like as soon as i like got to my house in the neighborhood i filled up the bowl i filled up my bag with the bowl and then i went in the house

and then just filled it up with microwave burritos and put it out on the porch this is when i was like 11 and i only got caught because my cousin took one and tried to make one as soon as he got back to my aunt's house did you guys ever do like a do you have any uh super problematic Halloween costumes in your past? Ooh, I don't know. I don't think so. One of my uncles, there's an old picture of him

dressed up as Sambo. Oh, what? Which I want elaborate on. Not a specific guy, just like he did like old school blackface? Yeah. God, dude.

Boston's awesome, man. One year I went as Jamaican Jackie Chan. How did that work? What did that look like? Can you do it again? Can you do the impression? Yeah, I did the voice.

I did, I did, I was dressed up in my Taekwondogee, and then I had one of those Rastafarian, like, hats with the dreadlocks. And that was also a year that I brought, I brought a, instead of a pillowcase, I brought a trap. trash bag because I was like, but that was pretty ambitious. Right, you got to get the, you got to bring the pillowcase, you can't bring a trash bag because then, like, they're expecting you to get, you're expecting you to get more candy. Rush Hour would have been so much funnier if Jackie Chan was doing a Jamaican voice that entire time.

Jackie Chan and in hard blackface the entire movie. Yeah. Yeah, and Chris Tucker just the whole time being like, hey man, what are you doing? Come on. You're supposed to be fighting crime This is not helping No Just creating tension between the two of us

Number five They're just so mad at each other In the car They won't talk Like all the witty banter from rush hour Just gone It's just the two of them Just sitting in the car

And Jackie Chan looking at him like Yeah And Jacket Chan he doesn't understand Why he's mad Just can't wrap his mind around it Yeah Number five, offer to play a video game with them as a distraction. Whoa.

Hey, I know you wanted to shoot me dead, but how about we play a little Minecraft instead? Yeah. Do you have jackbox party pack? Because, man, that thing is funny as hell. I don't know, it might work. Here's what I would do. I would tell them to delete System 32.

And then they'd be so, they'd be so distracted. I'd be like, hey, before you kill me, take out that, take that Lenovo you got a strap to your back and delete System 32. It'll really speed up your computer. Yeah, it's going to make it really fast.

Oh, man, well, I'm always looking for a way to speed up my computer. You'll be able to try force after you delete it. Yeah, if you run a magnet over your computer, over your hard drive. Just run a magnet over your dad's hard drive, and then you can come kill me. Just do that first.

Hold on, getting a call from your, dad. Yeah, he says you need to put a magnet on his hard drive before you can come kill me. Number six. He's hiding with the geek squad. Number six is put a plastic bag over their weapon.

That one might work. The top comment here says, like surrounding an asterisk like an action, house catches on fire. What does that mean? What kind of weapon would putting a plastic bag bag over it make your house catch on fire? They're coming at you with a Torch.

It's like an Indiana Jones torch. Yeah. I like Trigger Trash Kid says I would wrap it with toilet paper. But then it's, to me, that's even scarier because then that's like a mummy gun. Yeah. You know, it's terrifying. That shit could be haunted. Yeah.

You know, I mean, and you just know with this whole COVID thing that mummies are having a rough go of it with the toilet paper prices. Yeah. Am I right, folks? The mummies are, they haven't had a. change in quite a while. Yeah. You can say that again. The mummy has to use used toilet paper.

Yeah, a mummy with paper towels, it just feels different. Yeah. It's sopping wet, brown. A copy of printer paper mummy. Have you seen the reusable toilet paper? Well, I've seen it in your bathroom. No? Yeah, where you use it.

No? Yeah. And he's never cleaned it either. I saw it. Your hand. Oh, shit. I don't use Matt. I don't use Matt's hands to do that.

No, I'm talking to you, Patrick. No, I don't use Matt's hand to wipe my ass. Patrick. That would be crass. You can wash. There's soap, dude. Hands are made to be washed. You know what I'm saying?

That's why God gave us hands. Yeah. That's why God took them away from one Charlon Nash. He's like, I've been watching what you've been doing. I'm not a fan of this. we're going to have to change some things around here yeah I like to imagine she has OCD and now she goes to wash her hands and just holds them in front of the water

30 times a day all right I've hit my limit on Charlotte I can't that's the most in it's going to be walking down the streets of Boston and a chimp's going to escape in the zoo in like in the true karma fashion it's just going to directly target get you and rip your face off.

No, man, he's going to shake his hand. He's going to say thank you. He's going to think it's his brother. Yeah. Thank you for your activism. It's just going to think that Caleb is Charlotte Nash and say, no, I already went through with this one.

I'm here to apologize. I see the two of you together. I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Yes, you would, dude. I have beautiful hands, and I don't have big, a big, fat, pretty tits. Number seven set fire to your house That's a

That is dumb This is definitely This should be number one This is one of the stupidest ways I can imagine Yeah Unless you're not inside your house And the murderer is And you also have

Is your parents or roommate Yeah And you're And also you have a fireproof room Yeah or you have just You have another house That you could go to Yeah jokes on you

I have two houses. Yeah. I like the first response from firing this. That's pretty funny. This is Bob. You can hear a lot to say. Oh, I can read it. Yeah. You can do it. This is Bob. Bob says hi. This is Bob when his house burns down. Bob is homeless now and

probably dead. Whoa. That's one of the saddest stories I've ever heard. Damn. This is how they... It's pretty epic. This is how they try to kill Michael Myers in the 2018 Halloween. I just realized. They do it in a movie. So it's got to be work then, right? No. If it's in a movie, it works. Did they kill him?

Well, it's a, it's a, it's a cliffhanger ending. You don't know. They filmed that in my hometown in South Carolina. Really? Oh, forget your, somebody told me you were from South Carolina. You know where I am right now? Where? North Carolina. Just one, just one spot up.

You guys are state brothers. Yeah. One step over. Yeah. But I go to South Carolina sometimes. to boardwalk on the beach at Myrtle Beach. Myrtle Beach is so great. It's the trashiest place. Oh my God.

The Hard Rock Cafe in Myrtle Beach. That's where it pops off, dude. Man, I used to have a Hard Rock Cafe Tel Aviv t-shirt. I don't know where that went. I got to find that. I'm fucking, I need to go hit up the Hard Rock Cafe in Myrtle Beach. Do the karaoke night, do it perform rap god in its entirety. Yeah.

Yeah, but change it to rock God and watch the crowd go absolutely wild. When are they going to make a hard rap cafe? That's what I want to know. Yeah. Yeah, the hard rap cafe. Yeah. Music is changing. Graffiti everywhere.

Oh, my God, it'd be so cool. Yeah. Surrounded by police officers with guns drawn. Oh, your waiter, your waiter is a police officer. Hip-hop fries. The signature burger is, just called the inward with a soft

day you got Jackie Chan in the kitchen with a black face on cooking some shit up he does stand up there in black face yeah he does Def Jam stand up

the hard rap cafe um number eight fight them off using a water pistol well I got two I got two words for you buddy good luck oh you could do this though

if they are Their knife is made out of paper mache. Or if it's hot water. Yeah, if they have world's sharpest paper machet knife from those videos that guy makes where he sharpens like a bee until it turns into a big knife. I love those videos. Those are awesome, dude. Those are the best.

World's sharpest dog shit knife. Yeah. It's just two hours of a guy. He's melting it down on his stove. Melting dog shit, putting it in a mold. He's just stirring it with his finger the whole time. Trigger Trash Kids got a bit of a clapback. He says, I'd rather use a 45 defender.

Whoa, true name. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Fuck, I don't want to get in a fight with him. Right? He has guns, dude. You fucking up. O-P.

Siri says, someone tried to rob a bank like this. Wait, Siri wrote this list? Yeah, C-Y-R-I. Siri from Apple? Cy-R-R-I. Cy-R-R-R-S-R-R-R-S-R-R-S-R-R-S-R-S-R-S-R-S-R-S-S-R-S-R-S-E said that someone tried to rob a bank by defending

themselves with a water pistol. They tried to rob a bank by defending themselves. Uh-huh. Yeah, luckily the bank, all the tellers were witches. Robbing

the bank and saying this is in self-defense. Yeah. Your Honor, it was a self-defense bank robbery. They were trying to make me do it. Yeah. Yeah, they were trying to They were trying to not give me money, and I had to defend myself. They were trying to not give me money to death, and I had to defend myself with my gun.

I had no choice. Number 10, slap their butt. Yeah. What am I, a basketball coach? What am I, Caleb's basketball coach at Halo Hoops at Myrtle Grove Christian School in 2006? No. That's the answer. No.

Someone says, him and I went on a date after. We're engaged in the D smile. That's from Oh, woo-woo. Oh, that's sweet. It's got a happy ending. Yeah. And then you get into the contenders. This is when you get the real gold on these lists, man.

You get stuff like number 12, flick their nipple. Oh, fuck yes. Yeah. They got to have, I mean, to do that from a safe distance, they can have one extendo nipple on them. Yeah. You know, just a long, hard nipple. One big noodle coming out.

Yeah, one big pink noodle. Have you guys seen that picture of that dude, it's like 40 years old, and he's used like a nipple pump. And he's got such erect nipples in there. Oh, my God. Yes. Yes. I think I've seen it.

The guy with the cigar. He's red. He's red and he's got like a very, like a real, like a real faint grin, but like it's a grin of satisfaction. Like he's very proud of himself. Well, he does that, you know, he does it for him. I would love to have. Jamie, get the nipple pump.

Yeah Joe Rogan is one inch tall But he puts himself in a nipple pump every morning And that's why he's so red and big now He's nipple pumped himself up And he takes all those like He smokes DMT To

So he can see people normal But yeah I smoke CMT The channel Yeah Yeah That's why I'm such a Caleb's meat tiny

I'm not Caleb's meat tiny That doesn't even make any sense, dude. I'm smoking a BMT, dude. No, Caleb's Mary time. You didn't think about that, did you? I didn't think I'd have something perfect. Caleb's Mary time? Yeah.

That's when you dress up like Mary from fucking Lord of the race. No, I don't have any. You all dress up as your favorite hobbits and you guys run around. Our favorite hobbits. There's like four. There's enough hobbits. You guys could do the seven dwarfs. The seven dwarves, but do 14 dwarves instead.

I'm thinking I've double the dwarves. Double dwarf. And Caleb plays Snow White. Yeah. You know, I would probably play the guy in the movie. No. You play the witch, dude. You'd be dopey because you got his dumb-ass ears.

No, I don't. My ears are normal and not huge, and they don't stick out of the side of my head. No, I would play probably the guy or the hot version of the, of the, of the, the, the, of the, the, You'd play the poison apple Because your head is perfectly round and red No No If I did play the dwarves

I would be in this situation of them All stacked up in a trench coat Because I'm so tall I could never play a single dwarf You can play all the dwars With like the most handsome dwarf at the top Which one is the most handsome Me

So you are a dwarf Sexy So you've admitted We got him again No, no, you don't have me. No, back to the contenders, politely ask for them to put down the weapon. Yeah.

That might work, actually. Tracker Trashkin just says, thanks for the advice. Nice. Number 15 is not like a bad, like, option, actually. Yeah, scream. Yeah, just just yell But then somebody says

It's rude to scream at people That's a good point I was about to be murdered I was about to be murdered But thank God I didn't scream otherwise I'd be so fucking rude Yeah

I'm gonna skip ahead number 20 here Threaten to tell on them If they shoot Okay You know I just can't in good conscience endorse this one. I mean, telling, tattletailing is one of the...

I mean, I would rather die before I tell on somebody. Yeah. I feel that. I really do. What if he gets grounded? What if he goes to detention? Yeah, what if he gets detention? You know? Or do they take his toys away? His toy pistol.

I feel like I can't... I would have to, yeah, agree with Caleb on this because I have a past of snitching and I'm trying to move past that. When I was in fifth grade, I was sitting at a table with this girl. And this is right around the time when Justin Timberlake's sexy back came out. And she was singing it to herself.

And I heard her under her best say the line, Those motherfuckers don't know how to act. And I remember I looked at her. And I was like, are you serious? And I went, I got up, I told the teacher. And she got detention, lunch detention that day, where you had to walk the perimeter of this big oak tree. What?

Was it like, everyone got in a line that had detention. I had to walk the perimeter of the oak tree for the entire duration of recess. And I remember she came back, she came and she sat back at the table. And I remember she looked at me, and it was just this genuine question of like, why did you do that? Like, why did you tell on me? And I felt bad after that. I've never snished on anyone since. You were never invited on this podcast, never again.

Yeah, no, I know. I know, that makes me sound like a little piece of shit. but I was fifth grade. I changed after that, and I remember being out of the playground and seeing her walk the perimeter to the tree, and I remember I was like, fuck, shit.

That sounds like a medieval torture method. That's like, uh, like just making some, since then Matt has been witnessed over 30 murders, but he won't get up. Can't go to the police. No. Listen, I have principles. Yeah.

I used to be a tattletail too. One time I tattletailed on myself. I did that shit all the time. I saw porn by accident, and I told my mom. By accident. One of my most impressive tattletails was I was watching My Bloody Valentine 3D. Oh, yeah. And then it was right when I can't.

It was like this shitty remake of like some... 2009. Slasher movie. Yeah, 2009. And I was at my friend's house and we were watching it. We rented it while his mom was out of, it was like at work or whatever. And she was on a bender, probably And there's a section with nudity

And I got up and I stood in front of the TV Like did like a superhero pose And I was like, guys, I'm not sure we should be watching this movie And they were like, okay, like if you're going to be weird about it Like we don't have to watch it And I was like, yeah, what's your mom's phone number? And then I called her and I was like Yeah, Miss Whitley just say no

We were watching a movie with breasts in it But yeah, we turned it off And she was like okay i'm at work at waffle house like i don't i don't care dude i did that the first time i ever smoked weed oh my god you self-told yeah okay here's the worst part about the story is i was i was a senior in high school whoa i used to i used to have okay so no but there's context i had a form of oCD uh where i like would feel hyper guilty if i like uh like uh like dated anything like bad and I was a huge Christian when I was in high school and I was like shit

smoking weed is is like it's a high sin punishable by like going to hell and my friend came over with it with a fat bowl and went on my back porch my parents were in home and I was like are are you gonna smoke that and he's like yeah dude and he he lit up this bowl and he took a fat rip and he passed it to me and he was with a girl I kind of had a crush on too and I was like okay and I took a I took a rip of the bowl and then they left and I called my mom and I was like mom I just smoked marijuana and uh my mom was like okay she's like hell yeah hell yeah play my son's finally cool I thought you were opposing finally I can have sex with you son you're finally fine enough for me to fuck that was going on plenty before that

because the marijuana had nothing to do with the uh right yeah you said you were super christian yeah yeah I've been there we're a close family Lou? First time I ever smoked to eat, I, I just ate a whole jar of peanut butter. I was like 14, and there was a brand new jar of peanut butter, and I was so freaked out that I was like, I think eating, I think I read somewhere that eating helps you not be high anymore. So I ate a jar of peanut butter, and then my brother was like, he was like, did you just eat my whole jar of peanut butter? He was so mad, and I had to explain to him. I mean, he was like, he smoked wheat every second of the day.

I'd be like, no, you don't understand. I'm high. And he's like, who cares? And then I watched the Avengers. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. It was still out in theaters. Nice. I remember I, well, I was at the movie theater, I spilled my giant Pepsi all over the place,

and I just left it. I just didn't even try to get another one and tell anybody. Just like, while walking into the theater, I just, like, spilled it in the lobby, and then just went into the movie. I was like, in the lobby on the floor. In the lobby. I had literally. I just filled up a 64 ounce, and then I walked, and I just, like, it just dropped out of my hands.

Like, I just forgot to hold it. Meanwhile, Charleneash is going to see her first movie since the incident, because she can't see, she slips in this giant puddle of 15 breaks her spine. Yeah, her also dropping a Pepsi, because she's like, oh, I forgot. I don't have any hands. Oh, ma'am. This is just a Charlotte Nash-themed episode now. Really, we should have found a Charlottnash list. I think that was enough.

Charla Nash themed. I got to pee real bad. Well, I'll be back. We're almost done, Patrick. What are you doing? Just sit down. Dude, I got a pee so bad. You can hold it.

I cannot hold it, dude. All right, let's just make fun of Patrick when he's gone. All right, fine. I got some things to say. All right, say. Go ahead. Talk your shit, man. Does he have a hairless cat?

It's two of them. Oh. Yeah. Dude, I know what's a person Patrick is now. Yeah, a rich person. Those things cost like, what, $50,000 each? Hey, fucking expensive, dude.

I know. And they're named Fucker and Yoda. Really? Yeah. Those are the names. Oh, damn it. Sorry, I just got a Twitter notification from Pete Buttigieg. Oh, no.

I have an alt Twitter account that my friend and I use to follow like fart fetish Twitter accounts Nice Because we kind of went down a rabbit hole one day And found all these fantastic ones So we created like a Pete Buttigieg Fart role play account And I followed him on the account

Like while he was still in the race And I'm not even signed into this account anymore But for some reason every time Fucking Pete tweets I get a notification on my phone And it's so goddamn annoying And I don't know how to make it stop Because I'm not even signed into the account

Damn That's he's getting revenge on you. Yeah, it's nice, though, because at least once a day I can have a little moment of inspiration when I can see a tweet from Pete Boot. True. Yeah. Matt, we should mention Matt is wearing a t-shirt that says Boot Edge Edge.

Yeah, it's pretty soon. Long after he dropped out. He's still repping the man. And I got a gaze for Pete sticker on my car. Yeah, and a straight for Pete one. Just keeping all the, all bases covered. All right, we read patrons. Oh yeah, we have some patrons to read Matt

You can either stick around or you can fuck off It's up to you Yeah, I'll stick around man I love patrons Why don't we just do it after? Because he's already here We already said yes You already tricked him

No, I'm just saying I don't want to Patrick, you just left to take a pee You don't have any opinion Whenever you leave the microphone You lose all the say You have in any decision About that's disgusting ball sack looking cats

Yeah, that's right No Here's it here's a here's They're all balls. Let's make fun of Patrick more. Here's a Patrick story, okay? This is what Patrick's telling a story. You know, the other day, I was looking at my cats rolling around on their beds,

and it reminded me of in high school I printed out a picture of a skateboard. Fucking beasted on them, dude. That is not what I sound like. My main camera just went sicko mode on Patrick. Yeah, dude, you just went, you just, that's the cipher right there. You just, you just hopped in the cipher and spit bars out of it. Sometimes you have to take them down a peg. You just machine gun Kellyed them, dude.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. I was thinking the other day about how funny it is that a guy was just like, man, fuck, what should my rap name be? How about machine gun Kelly? Yeah. Machine gun, Kelly. There was probably like a few iterations before that.

Yeah. Kelly. Kelly's a wrap. First, he tried Kelly, and people were like, that's not tough. Normal gun, Kelly. I need a tougher name than Kelly. What if I just add machine gun to the front? My first name is Kelly.

Yeah, yeah. Bomb Kelly. Napalm Kelly. That one's, that's sick. That's way better. That sounds way cooler than machine. Like he wanted to go with it, but his grandfather fought in the Vietnam War and suffers from extreme PTSD. Yeah, Agent Orange Kelly.

MK Ultra Kelly. See, that sounds cool. MK.K. Ultra Kelly's way cooler. Vietnam Kelly. Vietnamese Kelly. It's just Vietnam Kelly. Mr. Vietnam. Yeah, might as well go for it.

Just VC Kelly. Vietnamese, that's it. No name. Just Vietnamese of the rapper. Hold up. It's a little Vietnam. It's a little Vietnam. Go ahead and spit, Matt.

Let's hear that shit. It's a little bit. Villal Viet Cong up in the house Oh shit Yo I feel like I should stick around For Patreon though because I haven't posted on Patreon in like a month and I feel really bad about

that so this might in some like universe make up for that you know Oh okay yeah all right Thank you Jim Apprue Thank you Mitchell Jump That's a cool name Mitchell jump Like Mario's Jump

Like Mario's Jump Just like Mario's Jump Nile thank you From one direction I don't think it's him I think it's from one direction Thank you, Kai Busetta Thank you Cameron

That's not me That's yeah Cameron bought it His own patron That's not me He did dude Anything to bump up those numbers That's right Yeah

Thank you Chase Chast and Grinch Pilled Or Chast Chast Bin Snape Let me tell you what We don't take too kindly to Snape's around here buddy

Yeah That's a teacher right there Yeah Kevin McKeever Q. Thank you, Kevin. Brandon Cooney. What a cool name. The coolest name in the world. Brendan Coley.

Jack Richards. Thank you. Dylan Chichowski. Dylan Wachowski. Chichowski. Yeah. Dylan Wachowski, one of the sisters. Jim Ziegler. Thank you, Jim Ziegler. Daniel Paulin.

Daniel Paulin out, baby. Wow. Hell yeah. Ben Contillo went up to $45. to see Patrick in a dress. And Pat still hasn't done it, but we're getting there. I'm looking for a dress that fits me. Matt, we're making Patrick wear a dress for the Patreon once we hit a thousand.

I saw, I saw. Oh, you saw? Well, you're going to see, you should see, I'll send you, you don't have to subscribe. I'll send you the picture. No, I'm doing it right now. I'm subscribing right now. Oh, my God, we have to call him out too. Also, I'm about, I'm a, wait, I'm a subscribe before you guys finish so I can, uh.

Okay, let's go fast. Jesse Huiskin, Huiskin. Thank you. Jesse Huiskin. Alex. Thanks. Bill Aiman. Thank you. Finn Boehner. Finn Boner. Nice. Dan, that's a good name.

That's absolutely. Jack Boyer. That's $10. Thank you. Master Chief Level. Maxwell Bomback. That's Noah Baumack's brother and cousin. Barrett and cousin.

Barrett Baldelli. Barrett Baldelli. Thank you, Barrett Baldelli. Lirk, Plympton. Lirk, Plympton. That sucks. Dan. Dan, shout out to you.

Bruno from the movie. Connor Privitt. Thank you. From the movie. The movie. From the movie, Conner, Bainey. From the movie. From Egypt.

Ryan Skelly from my nightmare. He's a skeleton. Luke from the Bible. Luke from Skywalker. Slime farmer. Slym farmer. Thank you. Zach.

Thanks Nice Pulled over in the Gundam It's pretty cool Thank you Matthew and Ryanhard Thank you Matthew

Dominique Thank you Dominique For subscribing Yeah And Patricia Thank you Patricia Thank you Patricia Yeah

Trayvon Farton That's disrespectful We don't like that name Yeah we don't condone that one Thank you for the money Yeah Jeffrey Pinyona

Thank you Thank you, Silas Jordan. Jeff U. Pinyn. Connor Boyd. Yeah. Bailey F. Bailey F. Thank you.

Uh. Thank you. Uh. Thank you. Lucas. But thank you, Lucas, just barely. Yeah, it's a $1. Just, you know.

You got a tank, but no, you. Earlier this week, I'd like to, I realized that if you subscribe for $1, you could still get everything. But I fixed it. Yeah. So, yeah. You're people who are gaming the system. I'm on to you now.

I got the Patrick pricing. Oh, my God. Oh, wait, thank God, because Ben Contillo, the guy who had the $45, just edited it back to $5 because we already hit $1,000. So huge thank you to Super Mega. Wow. Absolutely. But we didn't, we still got more.

We missed some. Corgi-Matic. No, Black Coolman, Black Coolman went up to $25. dollars and one cent and I think black coolman was maybe our first patron ever black coolman was our first patron that's true shout out special shout out

to black coolman uh yeah change your name but black coolman oh we have them here black so thank you so much black it's so nice to personally give you our appreciation

can you say one more thing in your sing at your voice I'm actually, I'm regretting that one a little bit now, so I think I'm going to pass on the black voice. No, what, that was the cool man voice. I thought you were really leaning harder into the cool man. Yeah, it was a cool voice. It wasn't anything that's charged. All right, and that's it.

Matt, thank you for coming on, man. Yeah, thank you so much, Matt, shout out to Super Mega. Watch Super Mega. Let's get that average age on Super Mega up to 14 and a half. Yeah. Let's boost those numbers. Let's race it up, guys. Let's get it up there.

All right. Thank you guys for having me. Of course. Thank you for coming on. I love you.