Podcast About List - Gun City: A Broad’s City: Playtime ContinuuFun part 1

Episode Date: December 25, 2022

Merry Christmas! Get the full version of this episode at www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist

Ho, ho, ho! A merry Gun City Christmas to one and all. It's me, Santa Patchez. Hi! Here to bring you some holiday cheer. I hope you have your favorite Christmas cybernetic enhancement and hot cocoa at the ready, because today is a very special episode of Gun City. Because not only is it Christmas, but we're on TV. Hi, Mom. Hi, Mrs. Claus. I'll see you later tonight. I'm going to fuck you.

For first, it's what? It's Christmas Eve. He's going to fucking. Wait, you say you're going to fuck your mom? You said you're going to fuck your mom. Your mom is also technically Mrs. Claus. Your mom's name. Mrs. Claus.

I guess that's right. Your Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus is also your mom's name? Oh, my God. Is Mrs. Claus' mom the whole time? It's Christmas Eve. All the good little boys and girls and worse are asleep, except for three very, very special ones. Patrick Yoda, Blotas Piss, and Ray William Jopson.

Wide-eyed and breathless with excitement. Their friendship has taken them across the planet Ebaum all the way to jungle-infested Earth into the virtual world and even into each other's penises. Oh, yeah. And now... They're in space. That's right.

On Leo the Collectors, I mean King Leo of New England's space station. King Leo's Pleasure Palace, the finest space station of its kind, a city in and of itself, and a perfect holiday getaway. We'll get more on that, though, later. But now it's time for something a little less interesting.

It's time to read some Christmas story classics. Gun City Christmas Story Classics. Blotas, Ray, and Patrick each have come prepared with their own Gun City Christmas tale to read. And there are so many great ones to choose from. Another list joke here. Okay. Risky the Ho Man.

A Christmas Carol Baskins. That's right, because Santa never forgets. And Rodolfo, the Red-Nosed Latin King. And to whom will they be reading these stories? Well, they're reading them to the greatest, gift of all. A son created in a lab who is a penguin with a water bottle jutting out of his head that holds his

brain. And he's wearing a leather jacket, I think. That's right. We should get figurines. It's New Sullivan. Oh, yeah. Woo! Yeah! Yeah! New Sullivan! Oh, yeah. Created in the...

Oh, yeah. Created in the remote village of Hootown by our Humble 3 while on an adventure searching for the fabled N-word pass, Just so you know, he quickly became beloved by all. I guess I almost wrote that, right? A college student who is also eternally four, and forever silly,

there's no one more fun and more awesome than New Sullivan. Forever silly. Oh, would you look at the time, I better get going. I have to fly all over Earth except for Syria to hand out toys to good little boys and girls. Why don't you spend some time with our heroes on a relaxing, low-key holiday adventure in a cozy Christmas hotel room, probably just what you need during your stressful, anxious, and very lonely holiday? Ho-ho-ho, ho, ho, ho. Yeah, so you guys are in a hotel room.

You're chilling with New Sullivan. New Sullivan is going like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, Sullivan. Go, Sullivan, go Sullivan, go Sullivan. He's doing a headspin in the water bottle. It's crack. Okay. And he starts waddling over.

It's a crack pipe from Earth. Yeah, I'm crying. Wow, wow, wow, wow. I love him so. I wish he was real so bad. Yeah, I guess he takes a hit of the crack pipe. It doesn't really affect it. It makes you better at doing headspins.

At dancing. Go, Sullivan. Go, Sullivan. Go, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, Sullivan. He's doing, like, a little, like, side to side. He's trying to work it into a head spin. And then that.

Crack hits, and what does he do? He headspins even better. Holy crap. So it's true. So, yeah. It makes you better at headspin. You guys are just sort of cheering on New Sullivan while he's doing his little dances. That's all, let's do the way.

Do you guys get presents for New Sullivan? He doesn't have to know yet. You shouldn't tell him, obviously. It's Christmas Eve. Yeah, I got a present for him. Yeah, what did you get? I got him a gift card. Oh, okay.

He's kind of lost to where. I got him a gift card to Target. Okay. Yeah, he'll love that, actually. That sounds fine. I mean, you can't go wrong with a gift card to Target. No, no. I got him a sous-veed.

A sous-veed? Yeah. It's $350. Above and beyond this fucking guy. Yep, I got you a suvied. I don't know if you know how to cook or anything, but I fucking hope you know. I really, I really fucking hope you know how to cook. I get a little.

I spent, I went a little bit out of my budget this Christmas, and I'm really, I'm really fucking hurting right now. He's picking up on. I get a little bit. I get a little bit self-conscious about my gift card gifts. I'm like, so the gift card, that's part of your gift, but the residence actually in the mail right now, and it'll be here soon. I got him a sweater that you guys have seen me wear, like, a hundred times before, and you're thinking, like, oh, my, he's giving him a sweater that he already owns.

That's a lame gift. And then I'm like, look, Sullivan, I got us matching sweaters. And I actually got him a brand new one of the one that I always wear. Oh, my God, that's so fucking awesome. And then I take out the one I always wear, and I put it on. I was really fucking hoping one of you, I was really fucking hoping one of you got a, I don't know, like a vacuum sealer.

Oh, I got that too. You got it at him because I got him the sous vide. Yeah, I also got him a vacuum sealer. Thank Christ, because you can't really use it without that vacuum sealer. So, yeah, he's, fuck. He goes over to his little play area. He has his three favorite toys with him,

which are all action figures of you guys. Oh. And he's going like, al-la-la, he doesn't know. He can't click it what you guys. Guys, he's singing our song. He's singing our song. Yeah, and he's having a good time.

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la he's smiling. He's like so happy to see you guys doing it back. What do you guys have any food around? I just cherish him. What do you guys eat? I'm eating his little button nose. I'm snacking on some doubled eggs. What the hell's a double egg?

It's from the future. Oh, fuck. It's a devil egg that has a dead. I don't want to break my brain if I hear what it is. All right. It has a deviled egg filling. It's a egg from the future. What about you?

Do you have a egg? No, I'm just smoking crack. Okay. So, yeah, do you solid goes out? He kind of, like, tugs at your, like, asking for the doubled egg or one double. He's saying up. Okay, I throw him up in the air.

And I catch him. And then I throw an egg up in the air, and I hold him out. Does he catch the egg? I'm going to roll, actually, to see if he does. I'm staring at solid. Sullivan, like the straight drop video. Something about doubled eggs is they have a special type of gravity where they can be caught by anybody. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he rolled. He rolled, well, he rolled fine. We should be clear when we should be saying new Sullivan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because the other, we don't want to talk about it. Yeah, we don't want to confuse it. Yeah, I gave old Sullivan a hit of the crack pipe, and he is terrified. He's not here. Yeah, no, you guys, you guys parted ways.

Yeah, we haven't seen him in fucking forever. Yeah. I should have read up on the lore. That's, I should honestly make the lore available, I feel like to you guys. Anyway, so yeah. Somebody should make a wiki. Yeah. It was made.

It was made, and then it was updated a little bit. Then I think it got deleted. Somebody should not have deleted it so that I would have a resource. Yeah, because I'm not good at providing information. I ate one double dig. Okay. Well, New Sullivan ate 15. So new solving goes away, and he starts like, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

He starts eating them. He takes another hit of the crack pipe. He's like going, whoa, whoa. It makes him able to eat more food. Yeah, oh, yeah. And he has more of it. And he sort of, like, lays back. He's like, oh.

I look at him, I just go. What's wrong, little buddy? I look at him, and I'm paranoid as shit. He's got my hand on the wall. Stop it. Tommy. And he goes, and he takes his three favorite toys. He puts them away in his little basket.

He says, good night. And he goes over to the bathroom. He knows how to say, good night. That's cute. That made me not scared of crack anymore. I'm going to smoke some. And when he goes, he goes over to the bathroom, and when he does, you just, you feel a chill in the air. And the lights flicker just slightly at first, and then total darkness.

So it goes, it's Kurt Vonnegut. The air at E-bomb drained of all its color and verve, save the Appalacent Dysore, but is a one-gun city. From up here on King Leo Space Station, it's a smoky mess of nauseous light, artificial to its silicon bombs, and ugliness in its hot plastic guts. But up here things are new too, shiny, still derelict, still made from the recycled parts of ancient attempts at similar space stations, but new. You'd think the trouble wouldn't follow any of us up here, but I'm telling you this tale from beyond the grave. There's a killer on this space station, and they go by playtime.

They usually look for childless couples, they usually wait for one of the freak outages that occur. on the space station. They usually slit their throats, and when the lights come back, they've usually left atop each victim's corpse their favorite toy. Could be a new video game, an action figure, a sex toy, hell it could be a book. They somehow know, Playtime always knows what your favorite toy is. What was my favorite toy? Well, I wasn't killed by Playtime.

There was a bit of popcorn kernel stuck between my teeth, and I was really digging in there, trying to get it out. And so my elbow hit the airlock, and I took about 100 people with me into the cold, inky blackness of space. I really liked crazy bones, though, if you want to know. Now, playtime, he always kills his victims, but he didn't this time. Well, we don't think he did. But New Sullivan is gone.

No! God damn. Snatch, from his hotel room during an idyllic Christmas Eve with his adoptive parents and uncle. They thought they were out of the game, Blotas Ray and Patrick. They haven't solved a case in years. Actually, they've done several B&Es since then. But up here, things are new, shiny, still degenerate, still made from the recycled parts of ancient attempts at being funny, but still new.

And the trouble followed them up here, too, so maybe it's time to dawn the half. It's the silly voices and the D-20s. It's time for Gun City, a broad city. Playtime, continue fun. Playtime continue fun. That's good. That is really good. Playtime continue fun.

Yeah. This is so hard to read. No, you have to keep those arms. You have to keep. They're so badass, too. Yeah. It's going to just be a bad. It looks like Bill Hicks right now.

I feel like Bill. I feel like the white Bill Hicks. You do look exactly like that. Oh, my God, dude. The leather jacket? Yeah. Where'd you get that? Bill Hicks store.

Wow. Yeah, so you guys have been in your hotel room on Leo's Pleasure Palace for days, months, actually, completely despondent. You've got to get a little closer. Yeah, I have to get closer. Yeah, sorry. Sorry. So you guys have been in your hotel room for months, completely despondent after New Sullivan's disappearance. Oh, we did a flash forward.

Oh, yeah, we're flash forward. Oh, my God. Okay. Did I miss my birthday? When is Ray William Johnson's birthday? It's my birthday. Okay. And then you didn't miss your birthday.

When is my birthday? Your birthday is in April sometime. I don't remember what the date, though. I just told, I don't remember the date. I'm sorry. All right. Okay. I guess you can continue.

12? 10th? You're going to need you to do every single number? 17th, right? Real friend. I knew that too. I knew that because I used to have a Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 poster. You should know that because I didn't remember. I'm a very close friend of yours. No, that's why.

Because in my head, when I think of you, I think of Paul. April 17th, 2007. I wish. I wish I was 15. Well, anyway, so. Christmas went by without a thought in your head, New Year's, even Martin Luther King Day didn't register. Probably because he's been dead for many years.

Probably thousands of years. 300, 300, okay. But awaking, yeah, you could have remembered, but awaking from your comatose state in this decidedly not holiday-themed campaign, you have found a resolve to find playtime, stop his grizzly murders, And most importantly, recover your beloved son, New Sullivan, and nephew. Heard that. Mm-hmm.

Okay. My nephew? Your nephew, yeah. They're the parents. Yes. Okay. And then I remember this. I repaid off all my debts.

Mom, dad. Yeah. Or does this take place before? Where does this fall? After. Okay. This falls canonically after. This is after the heist.

So you paid off your debts. Yeah. You guys were just here to celebrate Christmas. You did your one last job. You solved your one last case. You did your one last... So we're technically... You thought you were done with all of it.

We're hiding. No, no, no, no. I thought we were in hiding. Wait, I'll explain. At the end of the campaign. Okay, tell me more of the lore. I need to know. The space station of Pleasure Palace was erected a few months

after you'd helped Leo the collector locate the temple of Tepanguin of Doom. Okay. And complete his epic toy collection with the N-Gage. You guys were supposed to give him the N-word pass, but then it didn't... I forgot.

That's what it was. And then you guys were going to give them a fake one. Times have changed. Yeah, sure. half. Yeah, we don't do that kind of thing anymore. It was so funny back then. Rude.

He first invaded Sky Island and turned the leprechauns into his slaves, then used them along with his royal guard to continue invading the numerous sky islands that exist above Gunn City and Planet Ebaum. He had declared himself King of the Skies and struck a treaty with

Gun City, including both the government and the oligarchical board, controlled primarily by Papi Chucco's Technoslime Corporation. The relationship between King Leone's city is contentious, but if they ever go to war, there'd be destruction, you know, all this, you know, they don't want to do it.

So they have proxy battles, and they have a sort of healthy, unhealthy relationship, kind of. Okay. Yeah. Cheers. I don't have a drink. You know what? Yeah, I'll have a drink. Yeah, thank you, ma'am. Continue.

Proxy battles? Yes, absolutely. Wait, now we got to... We got to do a choice again. Oh yeah, hold on, cheers. Cheers. Wait, can we get the toy cam? Can you get the toy cam? Cheers. Where do I should go?

Cheers. The Dungeons and Dragons. Oh. What the hell's happening in your mouth? Stop drinking like that. That's not right. That fucking freaked me out. It's not be fitting and it's not right.

I'm sorry. All right. Anyway, um... Oh, yeah. So, uh, all this is the same. that after Leo had carved a significant enough portion of the land above for himself, he took to space where he could finally create his pleasure palace

and include all the toys, Leo, the collector before he was King Leo, has ever collected and wishes to be enjoyed by all for an astronomical fee, political favor, or blackmail. Or in the rare case of U-3, a combination of a sizable chunk of change you got from your heist, but overall at a discount, because

Leo actually kind of likes you guys, though since he's become king, you can't really get in touch with him. He's sort of doing his own thing. Ghoster. A little bit. Still around in the future. Ghosting. Thought they'd have abolished it by then.

Me too. I thought it would have been criminally punished by death or worse. We'll talk through what's in the Pleasure Palace as we explore it. Right now you guys are in your hotel room in the resort, the 10 seasons. There's 10 seasons on planet Eval. Winter, spring, summer, fall, salt pepper, paprika. He knows. and then

Cuman and monsoon season I thought about this God, he's good Wow Yeah So yeah You guys are in your hotel room Let's see where you guys are actually

Okay Sorry for anyone who's listening Go to patreon.com And check out a video Because I made my own character That's right I checked that out If you can even see it

It's so small Can you yeah put that up to the camera. That's right. It looks beautiful. Holy crap. Patrick Yoda. I made him out of my old Mike Winscreen and a grogoo that I bought.

Did you? Wait, you dressed like him today. Yeah, I did. On purpose. On purpose. Wow. Whoa, look. Oh, my God.

I didn't even process that. Holy crap. That's incredible. So high effort. Yep. This is unreal. I put so much, I have so much super glue. He got an outfit.

He got to my fingers. Wow, I'm proud of you, man. This is where we're at, man. build all this. Yeah. And I wore a costume. Yeah, okay, cool. So we got Patrick Yota.

But where is he? Yeah, so this is, this, this, right now, right now for you guys, you know, this whole area is just your room. Oh, yeah, yeah. This is just your room. Oh, okay. Later date will. Sick room. It's huge.

Fucking badass. It's basically like the, it's like the holodeck. So we have to just say whatever. Oh, whoa. Do something on it. I'll have some shit here is in your bed. Okay. Well,

Hold on. Yeah, rage your room. Let's do some Sims. Whoa, this is sick. I never thought that this would happen. What else do you guys want? Yeah, wait, wait, wait, wait, okay, so this is my corner. This is my corner of the room.

Yeah, you're in the barracks. This is my corner of the room. That's yours, and then that's Cameron's. Whatever we're doing now, this is the, I'm going to tell you, unless you do something really weird, This is going to be your home base for the campaign. So if you want to have this sort of monolith in your room. That's my pillar. You can't put stuff in my room.

I don't want anything, though. I don't want anything. Yeah, you guys have like a sweet. You're a computer. You're like Odo from Deep Space 9. You're like a demon with a computer in your back. This is my stuff. Do you have to do stuff for your demon, though?

I don't know. Let me see them. I haven't even seen my character. Where is your character? I mean, I thought we were going in order. All right. We're getting Cameron. Let's go both.

Let's go both. Doors then. Yeah. Okay, Blotas. Okay. Pull your guy out. So this is, I actually, well, I went to the store today to get my guy, and I actually was able to find, I didn't know, think that I would be able to find this, but I actually

found an officially licensed U.S. Army Grinch Hunter figurine. Whoa. You can see, he has the little, he has a who knows and who whiskers, and his, his gun says, says Grinch gun on it, which I thought was crazy, because that's the name of my character's gun. It's kind of amazing. It's really cool, too. I mean, I just, I'm really happy. Put up to the wide, yeah.

I'm pretty happy with. this toy that I was able to find at the store. Yeah, it was a dollar tree. Wow. And as you can see, there's even, look at that, that holographic sticker says official licensee. Yeah. This is just like, I was, I was, I, you got that for a dollar? And this was a dollar.

I spent way, I spent, wait. So how are you going to fit that motherfucker in that little ass room? My guy's big. That's a, if that's the size of a Yoda, this is the size of a guy. Yeah. Come on. I'll take that. Come on.

I'll take that. But I want, while I was at the store, too. We also. Fast and loose a bit with the sizes, as we'll soon learn throughout. You were at the, so you just got everything in Dollar Tree. What else did you get there? Yeah, well, I just got two things. I got one toy for myself, but I knew Caleb was busy building all this stuff,

so I decided to get him a toy for his. It's so kind of you. Yeah, and I just want to say one thing before you go any further. I was in Manhattan for three hours looking for that. And I was in Dollar Tree for four hours deciding what DVDs to buy, and I actually didn't buy any. Wow, that's a buffer. Because they got some good ones there.

They do have some really good ones. but I did get Caleb I couldn't find Cold I couldn't find Reverse cold They don't have any computer demons So I did

I found the next best thing for you So this is going to be your character That's ballet Peppa You know what my character is? That's Peppa the ballet dancer But my character's supposed to be I have a demon I brought a whole

A set of like Well we already showed this This one, so this one is, I mean, it's kind of permanent. I showed you all the ones that I brought earlier. I was stressed out. I was thinking about all the, I can't even hold it. I was thinking about all the different shit. I was thinking about how to make him look super cool.

Come on, I had other shit by mind. I was showing you all of the things I brought. Hey, camera. Mine also comes with a motorcycle. Okay, well, back to mine, maybe, because I haven't gotten to talk about this at all. Mine actually has a music system. We will, it's got a music boom box. Okay.

So Peppa Pig Maybe is actually kind of cool And also I have guns You can have this That I just recently got Can I have some? You can have this one All right, let me unbox my guy

But basically Ray William Johnson will be like Around here Yeah, I would say That's kind of his sweet We can have that pistol And that's your sweet So this is the

Kitchen bathroom We'll have the front door I'm doing kitchen bathroom I'm not done Hold on kitchen Kind of like a kitchen We're having We're having a kitchen

What else is his address? We'll have a kitchen, the bathroom kind of zone. We'll have the door over here. This room, unless something, I don't think this will be important, so I hope it isn't the arrangement of this. But, okay, cool. We'll have the front door. It's going to be to your suite is going to be over here.

Okay. Which does matter, because you have to go in and out of this room, allegedly. And cool, you're just doing a little unboxing video. This is cute. This is very cute. Okay, my room's all set up. I really like your room. Thank you.

This is my computer, secondary computer, and this is my monitor. And so I go over here and I do technological hacking against my enemies. And my guy's in his motorcycle hanger. There's your gun. Here's your gun. Here, can you zoom in on that camera just a little bit? This one? Yeah.

Is the super glue over there also? I'm not giving you super glue while we have a live recording. Okay. I could have just super glued all of our guns into the hands, but... No, you wouldn't be able to do that. Yeah, we'll do that later. You don't have to be too close with it, Ken. All right, the gun, I will use that one day.

Continue. Okay. It's so fun. Thank you so much, Cameron. Thank you so much for my character. So what have you guys been kind of like just, like, comatose, basically? been, like, so depressed that New Sullivan was taken, stolen away from you, right? I can barely even get up.

Yeah. And so, and so, finally, we're all so sad. I haven't heard, I've heard of, oh, we're all so sad. I'm just on the floor throwing up. I haven't heard your voices in a while. We have a, have a little conversation. Let me hear that. That's, is that it?

Fuck. Yeah. I'm so fucking depressed. I hate my life. And then your voice sounds like My face is in the ground Bo-wo-woo-woo-woo-woo-vo-vo-woo. I'm going...

You guys... Knock, knock, knock at the front door. Who is it? Who's there? Fuck off. Hello, sirs. Here are the towels you requested. Oh, it's our butler.

Inside of which, no, I'm just, I'm just a person who works at the hotel. Roll, roll attack, roll. That's no much more fun, though. My guy uses his telekinesis. It's a fucking nightmare. All right, we won't play with the toys. No, you should, look at them, asshole. You should play with the toys.

I'm super sorry. Alright, I don't want to attack this guy What do you want? And why do you stand so fruity? I can't help the way God made me, sir. God didn't make that.

He's got, he's got scoliosis. True. You don't remember that about him? No. I don't either. I don't even remember who this is. I don't remember the last couple of fucking months. I'm just one of the attendants

at the hotel, not an important character. It's Mr. Attendant. Mr. Attendant is my name. How did you know? Because I have a good relationship with you. That's right. We do have a good relationship. How far back?

Okay, just rubbing your back. I paid you to rub my back and my thighs. You know I'd do that for free. You don't have to pay him. I pay him because he's good at it. Here are your towels you requested, along with the various candy treats you wanted inside of them. I also have a message from a one Belinda Crokes.

She works for the king, so I'd take a look if I were you. and he presents a small UMD cartridge which projects the image of a Royal Guard, a member of Leo's Royal Guard. Okay. What does he look like? He looks sort of like this. Okay.

But he's also decked out. He looks like a pop star. He kind of space marine armor. Is this our Roblox guy? Yeah, it is. Oh, wow. All of her Leo's royal guard, yeah, are Roblox

guys. Wow. Some of them will be other kinds of guys, but that's the main kind of guard. Found a new type of guy, a Roblox type. I know that guy, though. It's not new. Greetings. Belinda Croke's head attendant of the King Leo, the Magnificent, has requested an audience with Patrick

Yoda, Blotas Piss, and Ray William Johnson. She says it is urgent, and she'd have you come to the Royal District immediately. And the UMD slots out, like, shoots out three tickets, and, like, they're made up, like... Let me grab that from you.

These should allow you to... These should allow you passage... Let me give them to my friends. To the Royal... To the Royal District on the Zippy Loop. The Zippy Loop trains. So, just come straight away and all that. I didn't decide if he was British or not.

uh this will now self-destruct and it explodes the guy explodes well the umd cartridge he was coming out of oh that's pretty awesome i shot it that's why it exploded so you guys have been summoned by belinda croaks who's the head attendant to the king about an urgent manner um so uh um if you guys want to start going there because that's it's kind of a rat even if belinda croaks tells me to do it Oh, I don't fucking care. I should put this gun to my head and pull the trigger and kill me. You should line it up so it shoots me in the fucking head, too. Okay, let's line it up and kill all three of us with a single bullet, guys.

So you have the Grinch gun, so if you want to roll a tackle. Oh, and I fell down. Stand up straight, you fucking hammer it. I'm so drunk because of my painful depression. You hear another knock at the door? Oh, I'm saved. Hello? Hi, I'm the guard from before.

Oh, okay. Could you please? Wait, if you were here, why did you use the UMD thing? I thought it would look cool. I really did. I thought it would be sort of like, who's that? What do you want? I really do need you to come.

Well, okay, we'll go. I'll explain. Hold on. It's concerning playtime, the killer who stole away your boy. Why are you saying that? So at least have a little bit of... How do you already know that he did that? The king knows many things.

So he knows who playtime is. No, he knows. I feel like he's supposed to hold it.