Podcast About List - Heroes of Podlistia - A D&D Live Show with Felix Biederman

Episode Date: October 22, 2025

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Where's my chair? Yeah, I don't know, I'm going to start the show. Hello, everyone. There we go. Okay. Let me turn this on. Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, how... Hello?

So I was supposed to be a demon, and it's kind of like a wed name. But that's okay. That's okay. We're gonna be okay with that. So, let me tell you a story. One ago, there was a kingdom called Podlisdia, a kingdom vast and beauteous, filled with wonders that slake the throat. Slake the thirst of a fantastic mind. Legends of dragons, hoarding treasures beyond compared, I got it, snarling and clutching with covetous claws,

of elven lands holding ancient knowledge beyond a winding wood and casting queer magics that shape the land. And heroes, brave and true, honorable and good and just really good people, just like really, really good guys. And in those days, there was a ruler of powerful kind and strong as well. His name was El Jubio Bianco. Jubio ruled the land of Palistia as a philosopher king, presiding over affairs large and small. From skirmishes between noble houses to the tiniest small.

It was supposed to sputes between my two tiny little babies. And they did this using sound logic. Reason, sagacity, and magic, yes. El Jubio Bianco was not just a king. He was the greatest wizard in all the land. Yes, magic was something that was considered important at that time. The times have changed. El Jubio Bianco has passed and his influence has diminished over time.

Each one of his kin, dumber and more addicted to gambling than last. But Palistia flourishes in his shadow, even if what remains is the population of incompetence dullards and the sexually frustrated. However, there is hope. Once I scroll down. There are four heroes who consider this land holy and who would do anything to protect it. And they've been summoned by the king today for a grand quest. And who are these four heroes?

Come, my heroes. Please, please come up. Thanks. Thanks, guys. And I need to give you guys your character sheets, which are in here. They're labeled Cameron's character, Patrick's character, Felix's character. Hello! Yeah, we don't care about this stuff.

I'm like, no, nobody does. I had the voice changer. It made me feel really good. Can we do like a 30 second recap and a human voice of what you were saying? I just, there was, land was good. Now it's bad. It's just to be good. These are all blank.

No, you're looking at the blank ones. So you're looking at the blank ones. So there are, there are good ones. Okay, there you go. And now we'll turn the music off. That was good, though. I did not time that up, by the way, the shift there. That was nice.

Yeah. Thank you. I did want to look like a demon or devil, but I did not have horns, and when I put the red on, I looked like a red man, and then I tried to do eyebrow stuff, and it just made me look like

Deadpool, and so now I still do. Yeah. Well, you're talking like him, too, a little bit sarcastic. Don't do that. I fucking wish, man. Do you want to see something? I don't know if you know this. No. Check the top left of my phone, man. Mint Mobile Oh, I can't read it at all

Don't play with me, man I won't play with you Thank you. I could go for some aviator gin Oh God That would be Why we're gonna start serving Some aviation gin

Yeah For real All right Because honestly Ryan Reynolds It kind of Made it possible For us to do what we do That's true

And for us comedians In this city Let's get a round of applause For Ryan Reynolds One time for Ryan Reynolds Thank you Ryan Reynolds So you guys are right outside the King's Halls.

You're going to be seeing the background changing over time. Oh, they're cute. Yeah. And you're going to then enter the King's Hall. Wow. So I spent the weekend making this app instead of writing something. So I hope this turns out good.

You made this whole thing? Yeah, I use the computer. Wow. You're a strange guy, man. Yeah, well, you know. I should have, halfway through, I realized I remade, like, OBS, but worse. So that was unfortunate, but it's cool, it works.

I like the picture you use for Felix. I Google, so this is a guy named... What the fuck? So, Felix, I googled your, you, because I don't have any photos of you. And this was the one that came up. I don't know who he is, but I think he works... I'm not kidding, I think he's a lawyer

named Felix Peter Pitten. I don't know. he could be an HVAC god. He could do anything. Maybe he's a landscaper. Interesting, you said lawyer. No, I just, I'm serious. That's what I saw, I'm pretty sure.

Definitely not when my mind filled in. That would be me if, like, you know, I was given Ritalin in lower school, and I became, like, a Warren voter. Yeah, there's a possibility. There's a world. So you guys are outside the King's Hall, or now you're inside the King's Hall.

There's the King, and he's excited to talk and start his whole thing. But who are you for from the land of Podlisio? Let's go from my most immediate left, and then we'll go further left. Closest to furthest away. That's a big, so okay. Okay.

I am the great philosopher Bolivardis von Broken Dreamers. I am one of the preeminent, great thinkers of our time. My theories have spread far and throughout the realm and many people have been executed as a result. Twas I who originally theorized that fire is hot because it is red and that giving birth to twins is a purposeful act of disrespect towards one husband. And if you've ever utilized a tickling pole,

that was one of my inventions. If I may, I would like to read a brief excerpt from one of the many books I've written. This is from an encyclopedia known as Things of the Realm and what they are called. Dragon, horse, sword, yellow paper, red paper, blue paper, two pieces of yellow paper, and so on and so forth. I am enjubulated to be a member of this quest and to spread my wisdoms to each corner of the kingdom far and wide.

Wow. Amazing. So you probably went on all kinds. What adventures did you go on, do you think, before this one? I've never been on an adventure. I don't know what an adventure is. Okay, that's the one thing you don't know. Great.

That's amazing. And who do we have further? A little further over. Sorry, my older brother's trying to bet on e-sports right now. And he's texting me, help, help. He's never watched it in his life. All right. Hi, my name is Jim.

I was raised in a big wizarding family. Sounds cool, but it actually fucking sucks ass. When I was 10, my family told me we were magical. I was like, oh, shit, awesome. You had to pull a long napkin out of your sleeve and cut your friends in half. That sounds badass. But that's not the kind of magic my family does.

They used to start the oven with spells, and they used to shower with water spells. And honestly, it pissed me the fuck off. Like, guys, can we please just lock dad in a plexiglass box? box for 30 days. That is what real magic is. Because how the fuck you not get hungry in that bitch, for real? All through Wizarding School, I was locking myself

in the girls' bathroom stalls and then escaping, and I would say, like, to-da! Nobody liked it. They wanted piece of shit lightning bolts. I could do that in my sleep, man. Now I'm actually an adjunct at the Wizarding School, and I invite a lot of my more mature students to come to my magic open mics at night. Honestly, they give me hope in this fucked up world. especially Amanda

all right that's it for me I love it okay amazing so you wish you were David Blaine but you're yeah it's the curse of being born in an actual magical world right when what you really want to do is make do smoke out of your finger right yeah you have you have a spell that can help

but it's magical that's what I'm realizing so everything for you need to be you want to be able to do slight a hand tricks but you have instead spells yeah that's really sad man I'm sorry I know it's actually more sad than funny on Yeah, which is a good energy to bring to the show. All right, who else do we got over here? A brave knight, it looks like to me.

It is I, Sir Bolton of Troy. For many a moon, I have served as the king's war hound, unleashed upon any who dared rise against him. I have slain dragon, man, troll, dwemer, Dunmer, Argonian, Bosmer, Polish, and most recently, the pale white demon known as King Charles of Kirkland. I was the hand

that struck down thousands within Charles Army. Think of me as Chris Kyle for people who have yet to master the art of wiping their own ass. In the heat of war and wondrous truce of blade, among them I uncovered strange

and wondrous truth of the blade. Among them that you can swing your sword not only horizontally but vertically through the body as well. We were mostly swinging horizontally until I discovered you could swing vertically. Such revelations paired with my unholy thirst for blood led us to victory, and thus came peace to the round.

And yet this peace led to discovery unlike any other while guarding the king's daughter Lady Gabriela at his majesty's royal theater During a performance, I was struck, not by sword, but by a bite. The bite of the acting bug. I know my sociopathy would serve me well upon the stage, much like Sir Jarrett of Leto. And I longed to perform in the night school musical, but yet the suffocating status. quo forbids me from doing so.

I hope to do whatever, I guess, Patches is saying on this journey or whatever, and also to destroy the status quo and sing and stuff. All right. Woo! Okay, I'm sorry to. Wow. And even further left, we have one more. Say that again.

Say that again. We have one more. I'm sorry. Hello. Hello, my name is David Cohn. A long, long time ago, I was just the average working class diamond lawyer. Well, one day I clocked out of my job, and my buddy takes me to see space balls. This movie changed my fucking life when I saw Darth Pizza up there.

I used to think Star Wars were so serious. But they put pizza and farts and all the stuff in there. And I lost my mind. I called up my boss at the diamond law firm and said, I quit. Go find another guy to represent those rocks. I moved to the Caribbean and established my mercenary company, Diamond Dogs. I was going to raise enough money to make parodies of all the

I was going to raise enough money to make parodies of all the hit movies of the 70s. We were going to make a parody of Salo called Shallow, and it's about a swimming pool that's four foot deep. Ouch! We were going to redo the conversation, and we were going to call it the boring conversation. We were bloody, we were dogs of laurel, right? Rubbing our noses in Dirty Battlefield Doit. All so we could make parodies of movies past, present, and future. Then one day, all the studios got together

and attacked Mother Bass. They killed all my line producers. The children I was raising to play parody movie actors and my clones of the Farley brothers. I went into a coma for nine years when I woke the days of Naked Dave were long gone. I came out spitting venom.

Now I seek revenge against the studios and to rebuild my war chest so I can make the definitive parody of the 80s. Slow times at Ridgemont High. They say that revenge is like drinking a vial of poison and expecting your opponent, I think it is, to die. Well, good thing I've practiced with my wife's cooking. Anywho, you're probably wondering, how did I end up in this, you know, no offense, Lord Randy type neighborhood? Well, long and the short of it is, I took a tumble into a lord vessel.

But I figure where there are skeletons that walk upright and big dung-perry noises, there's got to be gold. Gold that can be used to fight the studios and fund my lawsuit against Matthew Perry. Amazing. So, okay. Most importantly, against Matthew Perry. And there is gold. I didn't write it on your sheet, which is on me. There's gold?

You do all have 20 gold. You should all give it to me. I know where to put it. You don't know where to put it. I'm okay doing that. Yeah, you know what? I'll give David my gold. Yeah, you can give him your gold.

It's really, it's up to you what you want to do with it. So you have 60 pieces, my friend. All right, all right. This is going into money markets. You said you were a producer. I was more than a producer. You created these things called movies? Well, other people created the movie.

I created the parody. You know, in our world, we had these things called movies. It used to be a movie was about a great thing. Like, you know, you did great movies like The Jazz Singer. Yes. Tell me more. Tell me more, the tales of this jazz song. singer. It was a guy

who got some like a schmekel on his face but he'd sing a song. Ah, like my brother. Yeah, exactly. But then somewhere along the way, they decided, oh, let's make these Kramer versus Kramer, oh, childhood drama, oh, realistic panic attack. Movies

became about creating frowns. But when I make a parody of those movies, I turn the frown upside down. I have long theorized that could be possible. to turn a frown upside down. I'm glad to hear, in the future, they figure it out. Oh, I love how you guys do keep talking.

Oh, I'm the old king over here in the center of the screen. Welcome, all of you, four brave adventurers. I have a quest for you all, and if you do it, I will make you all lords of noble houses and you'll get your own land, even though one of you is a knight, right? Yes. Well, you'll get a bigger house.

Well, I've already explained what I want, which is a role in a plane. We'll work something out. And, yeah, my princess, my poor daughter, Princess Pumpernickel, pictured here, has been stolen. Along with her friend, Marie, who's kind of fun. I like it.

Marie. Oh, my God. Are we in Polk Beach? Marie may have taken one of my classes. Yeah, Marie's pretty... I never forget a student. Well, she's very bright, so

maybe that's what that was. Definitely a very learned young woman. Well, anyway, so they both got totally stolen away from me. I'm very upset. And I need you for to go to the land of Fanny Shire.

And that's where the Lord, evil wizard, Mr. Magic, lurks. I got a picture of him, too. Here's Mr. Magic. And he's an evil, dark wizard who stole away my beautiful daughter and her friend Marie.

So I'd really love it if you guys could help. Are you guys down? Yes. That's great. And then, after he says all this, we got a lot to get through, I'm sorry. after he said this suddenly his wife

what did you say her name was Gabriela arises and she says if you instead kill the princess I'll give you I'll double the lands you get I'll kill her no questions asked two roles in two plays

well that solves that what about Marie and you can do what you want with the girl that's oh that's crazy The way you said that was very strange. You are reading into that. I'm just evil in a really banal. I just say stuff like that.

Madam, you are a bad woman. Yes, I am. Look at the apple. Ah, yes. You look like an apple. No, don't. Apples which keep doctors away, we need to be keeping these doctors near. What's a doctor? Right.

I meant alchemists. Queen Your Honor, your great high beauty. Could you explain something to me? Why are mothers and daughters like cats and dogs? They do not like each other. It is because of the law of the land and the law of the heavens. How does he not know that? It's because when women get older, they look worse, and then they get...

Why are you telling this to me? you're over there, I'm sorry and then they get angry and it's an old trope and it's true and I feel it most of all me. We're playing in a fantasy world oh there's two of you good Lord

I have to work out of kicks Who's your friend? Oh I would hate it if you stomped on me And so the queen makes you an offer You guys seem very down for that. And then one other character shows up, the last one I promise.

Lord Wesley Sherman, how could you let these oaths save the princess? Shut up, bitch. Okay. Shut it down, bitch. Yeah, I don't like him anyway. Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here, motherfucker. Go.

I'm sorry to curse in front of the king. So the way to get to the land of Fanny Shire is you're going to have to take a boat first. You'll take a boat across the sea. Oh, what are we, Greek? Sorry, sorry. I don't know what that is yet. Oh, don't learn. Trust me. You'll have to take a boat

across the sea. Then you'll land in the town of Fannie Shireberg. Then you will go through the woods. Then you'll go up a mountain through a cave and then finally the Wizard Tower. So, are you ready? Okay. Okay. Where's my C?

There we go. Right here. See. Well, anyway. Isn't that nice? Look at that. I got videos working. The yawning sea.

So vast and dark. Few. That's about that you've spent two weeks making it. I wanted the sea to look nice. This could have been a picture, man. No, I wanted the video to work. Everyone in the audience is going to get seasick. People are going to start puking.

I'll get a picture. If people want to, I really wanted the... Do you know, the video was the hardest part to get to work. I can tell. I'm very happy, though. Does it look... It looks good, right? Yeah. All right.

You don't have to do that. That does feel good, though. I'm on the boat. I'm holding court. I'm like, so water is cold because it is blue. So write that down. Yes, I've heard this before. Probably from me. Yes, probably from you.

I said that before we got on the boat as well. In the future, they'll diagnose what I have, but I don't know what it is yet. Maybe it's a combination of letters. All right, cool. I used to think that immigrants were suckers, but if they wrote these over to where I live now, there's some pretty tough cookies

There he is Yeah I couldn't I couldn't write this over from the Russian Empire to New York City It's me Captain Ronaldo Oh hell fucking no Ronaldo get off my boat

No I'm talking like that I know that's a pirate Boy I don't want it with no fucking pirate Get out of here I'm a friendly pirate I'm really really nice I love you I haven't heard it no

Oh you know you don't even know me I know people like you. Whoa, what the fuck that's supposed to mean? First of all, this is the only guy like this that we've ever met. Yorg, I didn't mean that. You are not a friendly pirate. No. All right. Well, what do you have to say?

We'll be across the sea by morn, so I suggest you get some rest below deck. For things get topsy-turvy up top. That's it. That's about it. You think I haven't written on a fucking boat before? I know all this shit. Wait, are you telling us that it's gonna be nighttime so we need to sleep? Is that what this character is?

He's also like, you know, he's like a general resource for, I told you, I spent most of the time on the app. Show the next video. Skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip. No, no, you guys do have a day's time. What do you guys want to do while you're on the ship? Because there are things going to be happening on the ship. Yeah, I call bullshit on that.

No, no, it's not bullshit. Well, you see some pirates fish, or sorry, crew members fishing. You see some. Okay, yeah, you see some crew members fishing. I'm brushing up on, I'm studying. I'm studying the species of fish in case I see one. Okay, cool.

Redfish? Where are you starting? Proofish? Do you have a book? What are you? Oh, I have a quill, and I have about a hundred books. that I carry behind me. I drag behind me on a string.

Backpacks that have been invented. Yeah, no. Or not for me. Everyone else has backpacks. Right. You guys all have backpacks. Did David Cohen give you guys backpacks? You know what a backpack?

You know what a bagpacks? Oh, well, yeah, well, yeah. What do I look like? I go to Bard. Okay. I have a roller suitcase, and I have my script that I've been working on here. It's a parody of the crying game called the pying game. and everyone's a clown

out of my ridge backpack courtesy of David I take a pencil and I walk up to Patrick or what's your name? Sir Bolton of Troy and I start wailing it like this Good God! I was going to have you roll

I told you I was a wizard man He's fool Ah it's it you're being You're in awe of this Sir Bolton But it's a simple illusion that's happening because the pencil is yellow. God damn it! They're going to call this color theory in a few years.

Thank you. Thank you for explaining that to me. Waka, Waka. I almost grew up. You know, that's a thing called special effects. Magic and special effects are actually quite similar. When you are wiggling the pencil around, you see the ship's dog, Sparky, come on. A kick it. Kick it?

Okay. Roll, first roll, the first roll of the adventure. Bloodthirsty sociopaths, man. I just realized I forgot to give you guys your dice. Oh, yeah. You do strap in. This is going to take some time. All right.

You're going to find a D20 in there, Pat. You know what those are looking like these days. And you're going to roll an attack roll. It's just going to add your strength modifier. That is an unarmed. It's a 10. It's a 10, and you're going to add, I guess, plus 4 is your strength. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I added the 10. Oh, you already added it? I mean, like, the dog's AC is 10. So you hit the dog. Why don't you roll for damage? What do I roll for? Win stupid games, play stupid prizes. Let's go.

Roll D4. Oh, D4. Yeah. Are we going to act like this is a world, a medieval world where it matters if he kills a dog? Matters to me. Who gives a fuck? It barely matters nowadays if you kill a dog.

I love dogs. Yeah. Sorry. You're red. Yeah. I am. right. You're red.

That's a two. That's a two. Okay. So you kick the dog, it whimpers, and it sort of just limps a while. Yes. This is what the greatest sport in the land. We all love this back now. Which is how we say now.

Okay. Right now we love this. Yes, yes, we do. In this current time. That we live in. Which is now. Which is right now. Who here has the highest owl?

For folks, I don't know if anybody here ever plays D&D. First of all, we obviously do a completely janked up, fucked up version. But we have pictures on there to help them out. It's from a dyslexic character. Because we can't remember the words of the stuff sometimes. So we have an arm for strength, right? Arm, balancing ball for dexterity. Arm, balance ball, heart, brain, owl, and talking.

Yeah. Yeah. So I found a dyslexic character sheet online. so I'm serious. It really helps. Dyslexia. Oh, wow. And then I also, I edited it to make it simpler.

This really, yeah, the moment I laid my eyes on this, I thought, this is something you fill out to, like, get out of being drafted into the Vietnam War. Well, who has the highest owl here? I don't remember, actually. I think you're all pretty low. I have 14. David has the highest owl. You have 14? Okay, cool. You're going to roll a D20,

which should be next to where Pat is, and you're going to add your owl modifier. Oh, would my owl be 16 because you put a plus 2 here? That's 14, 14, 14. Okay. What does it plus 2? Is that...

Is it what you add to the roll? All right. This is why I don't gamble. All right, seven. Okay. And that's with the plus 2? No, no, nine. Okay. Pretty quick math, right?

Yeah. Yeah, you don't notice anything. Just another day of nothing doing. You know, I wouldn't make it, but someone should make a parody of the Sandra Bullock movie Hope Floats called Hope Sinked. And you guys are ambling along the sea, enjoying kicking the dog and doing things

who definitely wasn't going to be helpful. I had him, he was gonna, you could Also, it's like saying a basketball is gonna be, we're gonna play with the, we're gonna play the game. You're gonna play, that is true. I'm trying to think about that, it is like a basketball. I'm trying to do like improv games with like crew members right now. Okay.

Doing zip zaps up. Zip. But I think they're doing spells on me. Zah! No, no, mate, you're supposed to zip it back to us. Zip. Right. Zip

Zapp! And as you stab this poor crew member who gets he gets nicked something else comes up yawning behind him a horrible

beast who I am trying to find no not the pilot Man that's just you nope that's not me why would you say that's me that does look like you that does not look how does that most dude honestly I thought it was before. Most things look like you.

That's crazy, but maybe true. I'm pretty regular. Sorry, the thing is about to come up. I realize that I keep forgetting that when I named everything inside my system. As a surfer, I'm getting lost in these ways. I appreciate you. And it's this thing.

Oh, ew. You made it move? Yeah, well, that's just a gif. You can find it on the internet. Okay. Oh, I got that. We have gifts back now. We know gifts.

All right, guys. Roll for initiative. Your first fight, let's go. It's a horrible little fish monster. He says, I'm here on behalf of Mr. Magic. Okay, so here we go. What did you get in your roll? Five, okay.

18. Okay. Eight. Okay. I got a three. Okay. What'd you get Pat? I got an eight.

Eight. Did you both get eight? I got an 18, motherfucker. You got a five. Oh, I didn't add my, sorry, I didn't see where initiative was. I needed an extra dyslexic. Double one. I have a seven.

Yep, okay, cool. All right. So first is going to be Caleb, aka. Oh, my God. Okay. Jim Lim. So, yeah, you have a spell sheet in the back. You should be able to see it.

So you have magic power, which is like your MP instead of spell slots. And you can cast any of those spells that are there. I tried to make really simple descriptions for each of these. Loving the names on these. I'm going to use agonazars scorcher Okay that's a really Okay, yeah, you can do that Okay

Roll and attack roll then for that So that's a really powerful fire spell I gotta create a single one Okay, so You completely miss your hands Just turn to ash for a second Fuck me, man Did not, wow, I can't believe you even get bad rolls here

Like you're just, you have the most cursed Rolling of anyone I've ever met I know, I'm really sorry You do kind of a little bit but he has pretty low initiative so next is going to be who got the eight pat all right you're up bolton of Troy

I guess I guess I'll do showstopper oh yeah you want to describe what that is so that I gave you moves it had to do with like there's like show tune dance number I think or something and then show stopper is like your big moves you're going to spend

magic points we do that I'll spin in a circle because I mean I'm a knight but I don't really know exactly what what dancing is, right? Because all I know is murder. Yeah, murder seems like mostly what you know. Yeah, yeah, okay. So I guess I'm just going to spin in a circle with the sword.

Okay, but also you can go vertically, too. Maybe you do a flip. Oh. Maybe you do a bunch of flips. Okay, I'm going to try that. Sorry, I'm just trying to give them a move. All right, cool. Roll and attack roll for this.

Okay. I'm going to add the modifier there. Okay, that is a 17 plus six. Okay, that definitely hits. Yeah. Don't, don't, don't do that. Come on, you got the hit. I think Patches got it.

Right. Yeah, and we'll do damage now. See the damage on there? Oh, yeah. That's, what is that? 3D8. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're going to smoke this thing.

Which one is the D8 again? It's, yeah, yeah, yeah. One I'm holding. Yes. We're doing this for five years. Two, six, two, three. That's going to be at 11. Yeah.

All right, yes, please cheer. You literally said six. You said 6-2-3, that's going to be, duh, 11. All right, yeah. So you just run up to this guy. You just slice him up. You're doing flips everywhere. You're cutting him up.

He's not looking good. For an emissary of Mr. Magic, he's not that strong. I'm looking at David Cohen right now. I'm doing, like, you've got the stuff, kid. That's what we call it in the business. Oh, God. And now this thing is going to attack you. right after you.

Me? Sir Bolton of Troy. Yeah, because you attacked him. So he's going to attack you. He's going to use a little attack. Look at that. Isn't that cool? He made a purple circle.

This is why I live in a building with a gordon man. All right, all right, cool. Things I do to amuse myself. All right, cool. Let's roll the dice here. And let's see if it actually even hits you in the first place. I'm not going to roll it up there. Yeah.

What's your AC again? by AC is 15. 15? He does not. He just fucking misses. He's just like, ah! And you're just like way too far away from me. It just doesn't work out at all. You are up now, David Cohen. Yeah, don't wear it out.

Well, since, you know, Mr. Bolton of Troy here, you know, Troy of Bolton, I forget your naming conventions, whether it's a Japanese style or what. But he already did. close quarters. I invented a parody system of CQC called Close Quater's combat. So I'm not

going to do that, and I'm not a big show off. I do have my M4A1 Sopmod. Through which I am, through, you know, I had it during my mercenary days. You could use that. I guess I'm still going. I did only put ranged on there because I wasn't sure what weapon you wanted to use, so you're

welcome to use the gun. Well, what do you think I'm going to slap them with it? Okay, cool. a D20 that it adds your modifier to that. You'll see it in the middle there. Oh. By your ranged combat, if you go to the actions

down below. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Plus six. Nice. What did you get? I got a 13. Okay. Pat will testify that it landed 13 and then when I moved my paper. Okay, okay. Yeah, that's important to have corroborators. Yeah, okay, great. So 19, yeah, that definitely hits. You're going to kill this thing. Just describe

your kill. This thing's going to die. All right. So it's sort of like the Phantom Pain cutscene thing where there's like a circle of light around me. And you can tell that my sanity is slipping. I'm thinking of all the death I've seen. And the soul that I've lost, the innocence I lost. And however, I really, truly died in Salino Yarsk all those years ago when I killed my mentor. But then I start thinking, what if we make a Jackie Brown parody? And it's brown because everyone's poo. and I sort of get my bearings I assume a tackle stance and I just dump the mag into this piece of shit hell yeah you just blast the shit out of this thing's head look at that one and he is gone

great job all right cool love that all right so Mr. Magic obviously is aware that you're coming he's sending monsters your way that's pretty fucking spooky and we're gonna move that was really scary yeah and thank you

And so we're going to move on. It's the next day, the captain is grateful. You land in this little dock town. It looks like shit, though, right? We get a long rest? I get my mana back? Yes, you do, yes, yes. Oh, fuck yeah.

Yeah, so I'll add your mana back. And Pat would get his back. I didn't even take his away. But cool, yeah. So you guys are... Look, the bar goes up. So, yeah, you guys are in the town of Fanniebergh. Sorry, Fannie Shireberg.

It's a really shit town. Yeah, it's a completely different thing. Do they have any Equinox here? Don't worry, I got a national member. The equinox happens eight times a year. You just have to wait. Yeah, they have an observatory. You can look at the equinox.

Well, some guys use the locker room as an observatory. Okay, pretty good. Got me there. Yeah, I think we can either go to the tavern. You can try to gather some information before you go on your journey. You can go shopping, or you can just go on your journey. I mean, shopping.

You're going to go shopping. Okay. The tavern. You don't have to go. You don't have to go. No, no, let's go to the tavern. No, you really don't have to go. Because I don't actually want to shop. I went to watch the montage of us shopping. Okay, yeah, that's usually what it is.

Also, nobody wants to watch people shop. Yeah. Okay, let's see if I remember the right one. I don't know if I named everything correctly. You know, I filmed the shopping montage. Yeah, isn't that beautiful? That's the tavern? Why did they got bread on the floor?

Look, it's just, it's just, it doesn't, it's a very, It's a very unkempt tavern. Mr. Magic rules this land, okay? He's a cruel, a cruel master. They hung up all their medals that they earned on the tusks of the alley. You guys were a swim team as well. All right, don't, don't scrutinize the YouTube video.

Oh, okay, so you didn't paint this. I knew it. I never said I painted this. Yes, you implied it. Okay. He texted me the other day. He was so excited. He said, I invented this thing called moving paintings.

Don't do this. Don't tell me. them that. Those are our rights. Yo, Live World needs to serve this right here. So the bar-tender greets you guys. Oh, what you guys want your drink? You don't look like you're from around here. I'll take blue water.

Blue water. I'm going to do my best for you, sir. Any other drinks you guys want? Please tell me you guys serve something with Absinthe. Yeah. We go FC4. Yeah. Okay.

Do they serve it with the little, like, I'm making a little bit of a pivot, and I'm a little bit of a mixologist sort of guy as well? No, yeah. What would this be? Do you guys serve it with the sugar cube and you pour the thing on top of it? Yeah, we do that for you, especially. All right, then I'll take one of those. Okay, cool, yeah.

Bullard's the smartest guy I've ever known, so I'm trying to impress him. Mm-hmm. I have a little water. Oh. We have been trying to invent that for a century in my friend, but we just have not got it down yet. And then I look out the window. I see a guy peeing on the side of the wall. I go, oh my God. What is it? Yellow water. Oh, wow. Well, I'll have that. I start filling it up a cup of this guy's pee. Well, I don't have to pay this bar keep because my good friend is making it.

it for me. Golden water, my friend. Golden water. Golden. What are you trying to do? You're touching my pecker? What's the matter with you? Me?

Sir, a pecker lives in a coop or on a farm. You are referring to your thing. I'm not talking about my... Who's talking about his thing? And you see these two guys...

J.D. Vance. Jady Vance and his friend. He has a bucket of eggs. At the bar? J.D. Vance, again. Felix. Hey, you know from around you

and you're touching his pecker. Yeah, you're touching his pecker. Who you think you are? What you guys want to do here? You have some charm abilities? Well, I'm Sir Bolton of Troy. Uh-oh. And this is my...

There's a second... And I've never seen two identical people before. Oh, wait a minute. Yes, I did. I saw them earlier when the queen turned into two people. It seems to be a phenomenon. Seems like there's identicalism happening. Identicalism, he should look into.

You have the meanings of a philosopher, my friend. But I'd like to think that actors need to know philosophy. So these guys are like they're square enough to fight you. What do you guys want to do? You're trying to touch his wiener. I did not try to touch his wiener. I put a cup near a stream of pee. Why don't you?

It's so different. It's so different. Try to explain that to him. Use one of your philosophical arguments. Okay, yeah. I'll use a philosophical argument to... I give him a bill. So I have all these things that I can do.

What should I do? Okay, so you gave me a list of... It's completely broken. You gave me a list of status conditions I can apply. A 5E conditions, he could basically do whatever he wants. I don't know why I do this. One of them is prone. Yeah, you could just knock him prone.

I can make somebody go prone. I should not, I should have crossed out some of these. If somebody touched my penis and then said, I'm not touching your penis, and then got on the floor and went prone. I think I'd leave. No, I can convince him to go prone. Yeah. I mean, that does guard his penis from being touched.

Sir, yeah. Sir, if you wish me not to touch your thing, as we have, you know, established that it is correctly called, why not lie face down on the ground? Look, everybody's doing it. That would expose your buttocks, would it not, my good sir? So I can understand if you wouldn't wish to do that. So instead, I would like to just make you frightened.

Okay, the frightening condition. Okay, roll a, or did I have a D.C. for that? I don't think it says any. DC-50. Yep, okay, so they're going to roll against that. I got, I laid on the ground. I'm fucking prone. All right, so that guy's like,

I'm not understanding the word. He's saying, Addy's touching my willy. I'm out of here, and he runs away. So you guys want to fight. For everyone around, I did not touch it. I simply came close to it with a cup. You know, we have these things in the future called NDAs. and they're grateful when people tell lies about you.

Amazing. So you guys ask around. I think at that point you kind of dispelled any. Nobody's going to try to mess with you guys. One of you guys can make people fall on the ground like with their words. So you get some... Hey, hey, hey, what the hell?

Can I order here? Yeah, oh yeah, sorry, yeah, you didn't order. Yeah, we got interrogated by those hillbilly e-elleges. Yeah. Anyway, what are you going to get? Yeah, give me it. Give me a fire island alimony. Okay.

Amazing. They make all these fucking fire island alimony. He's like, yeah. Yeah, of course. He's, like, panicking. He's like trying. He's trying to all kinds of drinks.

They have a completely different fire island in this world. He's like, oh, you don't want to go there, no. And an alimony is a type of beaman. Yeah, right. That you saw an alimony from Fire Island? But yeah, you guys are able to get a couple,

you hear a couple of rumors in Scuttlebut as you endear yourself to the folks here, scaring away the ruffians as you did. One rumor that you hear is to not follow the squirrel when you're in the woods. Another rumor you hear. That's a rumor. Well, you know what I, it's like, don't follow the squirrel.

People say to not follow the squirrel. People got to stop spreading rumors. It was so harmful to our communities. Think fast on another rumor people here, which is a hint also. It's also in the form of a hint, that helps, is think fast on the mountain. Many have been thrown off as a plate.

Can you imagine if you're talking to your friend on the phone? I heard a crazy rumor the other day. Think fast on the mountain. You are not going to believe this, man. And the last one is that the eater man has a sweet tooth. Sweet tooth. Okay, I have heard that one. Sounds a little more like a rumor. All right. So

now you guys can either go shopping or you can go on the adventure. We want to, yeah, let's go. But is there anything good in the shopping? Let's say no. All right, we're gone. All right. And we're off, in this case, to the woods.

There we go. Beautiful woods. So yeah, the Tushy Woods. There's beautiful, serene woodland. And they're getting more and more gnarled and dark as you make your way through, and Mr. Magic's influence starts to infiltrate. There are many tricks and spirits in these woods, but the paths should be relatively clear,

though, provided you, you know, think things through. So as you guys are walking through the woods, you see it does start to get more and more darker, more gnarled. Don't touch the screen. Are you guys seeing that? Are you going to see in what I've seen? My wood So darker and darker

Until it's finally kind of Really spooky and nasty and gross And it looks kind of strange Yeah And you do see There's pixels everywhere Oh God This woods must be 240P

These woods are giving me terrible memories I remember when we tried to make a parody of deliverance But it was impossible because the movie's already It's so funny. And you do see a kindly little squirrel. Let's follow it. You really don't have to if you don't want to.

I mean, I'll stab at it. I was always raised with the idea that rumors are nasty little things. The rumor weed is a very famous Veggie Tales episode. So I would like to follow this squirrel for some time. Okay. Yeah, you follow the squirrel along the woods. No, act like you didn't know I was going to fucking do that. I know, I know, you guys are nice.

And he's waving at you. He's saying hi. Look at him, he's huge. I'll give him that. Yeah, I... Well, he's about to get huger. Actually, I can't... I stop following the squirrel.

But not for the reasons you think. As you guys follow the squirrel, he's hard to notice the things around you in general are getting bigger and bigger and And I'm shrinking, aren't I? And I think you might just be shrinking. And you end up in a silly little mushroom tiny land. He said a silly little mushroom tiny land. Oh, a little mushroom tiny land.

Oh, great a reform temple. We're a little elfrette's as I to you. Oh, the squirrel, he's coming after. Wait, I have this. Ah, the squirrel. Oh, the squirrel. He's back. Everybody run.

And you see all these little elves start to scatter everywhere. You guys roll for initiative. You've got to face this giant squirrel. You're now little. A curse placed. This reminds me of honey, I shrunk my boobs. What'd you get?

Nine. Nine, okay. Okay. I got a 10. Wow. 23. Okay, David Cohen. Yeah, it reminds me of another movie.

Jim Carrey won. No parodies without one. I respect it too much. Okay. Well, David Cohen, it's your turn. So, Cohen, you have your range attack. You have your melee attack. You also have the ability to turn invisible. You have this sort of like... You're...

Wait! It's called stealth camouflage. Yep. We invented it in my evil mercenary company all those years ago. You guys are forgetting the lore. So you can also turn... Yeah, didn't you play David Gia Solid? I would actually play Belgaria.

I thought Patch has invented a kind of anti-Semitic thing. A new one, yeah. Invisibility? Yeah, they're loud, they're cheap, and they turn invisible. Incredible, really. I love them, yeah. So yeah, what do you want to do, though, against this giant squirrel? Who is menacing? All right. By the way, what is cunning?

Cunning action? Yeah. So in D&D, a rogue, eventually you can get the ability called cunning action, which allows you on a bonus action to hide or to disengage, basically to use... Okay, man. I'm going to go get a bigger weapon. weapons, you guys later. So instead of that being a full action,

so basically think of it like this, instead of not using an attack, you can choose to hide during a fight and then come out and attack and you'll get advantage on that attack if you're well hidden and you'll do more damage. So you can use that action, wait, or you can say

just attack straight up. You can do whatever you want. I'll just do a straight-up attack. I love that. What's your melee weapon? Let's go with a Marine K-bar knife. Okay, that sounds terrifying. Let's do it. Okay, yeah.

Roll a D-20. What the fuck is that? Oh, you might have... Oh, four. Okay. We didn't get to that number when I was in school. It was oriented in a very weird way. Okay, yeah, you're not going to hit this squirrel.

Wait, well, it's 10. I rolled a four. No, yeah, no. The AC is too low, or the AC's higher than that. Okay, who got the 17 again, right? That was me. All right, let's go. Let's go, Jin.

I'm going to use my quote, because I have magic, and then I have magic. Right, yes. Okay. So can I use magic? Yeah, magic in quotes is basically you can either charm somebody, you can distract them. Like, do a trick. Yeah, you can do a trick, literally.

Like, basically it's like you have illusion on command and it doesn't cost any magic point. Okay, do I just roll, or do I describe what I'm doing first? Describe what you're doing first and then I'll roll DC. I am going to walk up to the squirrel and I have a short sleeve shirt on like this and I go like this out of my short sleeve shirt. Oh, that just looks like one handkerchief to me. I don't know about you, squirrel.

Okay, so I just forgot this squirrel is going to have enough intelligence to be tricked. is what I've decided. So let's see how he does. Okay, yeah, he did very badly. He is fascinated by your two handkerchiefs. Which also, where did you get that? Okay, let me explain something. Yeah, please do.

I'm the first magician of all time, and they definitely started with two. With two. Yeah, yeah. They weren't immediately like, oh, fucking 50. Yeah, right. You know, you're right, we've been overwhelming. They pulled out, they said, oh, here's my handkerchief.

What the fuck is that other one? If you showed a medieval peasant, and 50 handkerchiefs. Yeah, how to fit two handkerchiefs in my sleeve. Okay, yeah, this squirrel is distracted by this. He's going to miss his turn in this case. So who's number 10? Who's got 10?

You're up. I have one here that's called showtune. What is that? Showtune will allow you to, you do a little song, and then you give one of your party members one D6 that they can use on any of their roles. It's basically like bardic inspiration.

What? Cameron's up next. Cameron's up next, yeah. Yeah, I guess I'll do that because I haven't done it yet. Yeah, do it. Okay, so I guess I have to sing a song to the squirrel now. Well, it can be either your friend, too. Yeah.

I like singing songs to my friends. A minute. I just invented this amazing song about my friend. I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known. Wow. Wow, boule of artists of broken dreams. I have tear rolled down my cheek. That is the song my mother used to sing to me.

Oh, wait a minute, you told me that song. All right, we can establish the dynamic there. Do you have 1D6 you can use on your rolls? It's your turn, by the way. Well, I want to try and stun him. Can I add 1D6 to the DC? So I guess it's like a bane almost. Yeah, you can do that.

Let's do that. Yeah, I'm going to try and stun the squirrel using my logic. Okay. So, I guess, I'm trying to think here. So I'll start off and I'll be like, sir, are you not, are you not simply a beast?

And riddle me that. And if that is so, and what was that? I'm sorry, what was it? I can't hear you. I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Boom. Oh, wow. Leading closer and closer.

You punch him in the head? Punch him to stun him. Okay, I love that. Okay. He is going to roll against the D.C. Roll your D6 and I'll subtract it. He got an 18 to let you know. Five.

That does subtract enough to get lower than the 15. So he is, so this squirrel was distracted by an anger chip. I snap my fingers in front of his face to stun him. Yeah, and just stunned him. And now he's basically incapacitated right now. You guys can just beat the shit out of him if you want to. Can we all just get together and beat the shit out of him? Yeah, we can like, we can just, I think he's safe to say.

I have, I have a move called Choreo. That is a dance move that I gave you. I don't remember what it does. I'll be straight up fucking honest with you. I wrote that in the middle of the night when I was like, what do I get Pat? And I was like, choreo. And then I don't remember I wrote.

Well, we could, we could do like showtime on the subway. Well, it also says there what it does. Oh, but comes true. Yeah. What are they right? I don't think there's, I mean, what are we going to spin off of a mushroom? Okay. All right.

You're talking me into it. What did it, what does it do? What did I write there? It just says, uh, Corio D, D.C. 15, 2D8 missed turn. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's, okay. Yeah, you just do a 28 damage of it.

I mean, you can get them to skip the turn based on the D.C. Oh, okay. So yeah. Do you want to do that? I don't, is it my turn? I was just saying. Oh, it's not. David's turn.

David, it's your turn, actually. Sorry, David, you're up. All right. The squirrel's not, like, stunned and distracted right now. All right. We have a saying in the mercenary business. When someone's seeing stars, empty your entire magazine into their body. Okay, go for it.

Well, you get an advantage. It's the opposite of a four. It's a seven plus my initiative. Or no, plus range, 13. Okay. All right, roll again. You get an advantage. See if you can crit.

Okay. 9? No, the 13, though, does hit, so you can roll for damage now. Does it say a D20 for damage? No, no, no, it's a D8, I believe I gave you for this. I mean, you're going to add plus four to that. Six. Okay, six total?

All right, yeah, you just bloody this squirrel, get shot with a gun, I guess. And 17, so you're up now, Caleb. Okay, I'm going to use. How's he looking? How's a squirrel looking? He looks okay. Fuck you. He doesn't look that good.

He doesn't look that good. He doesn't look that good. I'm going to access this squirrel in a second. Then here's my second try at Aga Nazer's scorcher. Oh, wow. Okay. Which is the other kind of magic I can do, but I'm very bored to buy it for it. Yeah, you just hate this fire.

I wish I had cups and balls. Yeah, it's like a really... Whatever. It's like a foot row dog. Yeah, very good level three spell. but yeah, roll and attack roll. Oh, okay. I got a 15.

Okay, yeah, that's going to hit. Whatever you add to that is going to hit. And then roll for damage, which, what does it say there? Three D8 fire damage. Damn. Seven, six. Oh, Christ. Four to 17.

Describe how you cook this squirrel, I guess. Again, I'm like so fucking bored. Right. I'm like trying to put the handkerchief back in my short sleeve and as I do that I realize that David doesn't kill him and I go like you burn the shit out of the squirrel he's on fire was that another one up there yeah you cook this squirrel he is no more fire so bad doesn't it have 30 feet of a like attack yeah so I actually shoot

through the squirrel and into one of the mushroom houses and then I like the entire village on fire yeah the village is now on fire And there's people screaming and... That wouldn't have happened if they gave up the hostages. I'm just saying. Ah, yes. We understand what you're talking about. We know exactly what you're talking about.

Okay, so for the sake of time, you've killed the witch too. We're running out of time, so I want to make sure that we move along. I'm just going to really burn the shit out of this villa. This is really, really satisfying. That's a good use of the little time. Say we're running out of time and doing this? Look at this, isn't that cool? All right, thank you guys.

All right, we're going to move on to you guys get through the woods. You defeated the witch. This was her curse. We're going to get you guys into the mountains now. and your guys are going across the mountains. Guys, I heard a rumor to think fast here. Okay, I'm going to try. So you guys all do get deck saving throw advantages

against these cloud creatures that come up to you while you're in the mountains, trying to blow you guys off. If you guys fail, you're going to fall, take some damage, and maybe deal with something else. 21 for me. Okay, yeah, add your strength or your strength or your decks, it's up to you.

I got a... Oh, add my strength, okay. I got 15. 12. 16, 16. Okay. Pat, you get one more try. That is a 15. Okay, yeah, you make it.

Okay, yeah, you guys make it through the mountains. I love that. We avoid my little... Thanks to our skills. We're going to have a director's cut. version of this, I promise. But now you're going to get to, most importantly, the cave. The cave before you get to the Wizard Tower. So this cave is the Eaterman cave. The Eaterman lives here, and he's been eating people from the village for quite some time. So you're going to have to

navigate this cave, avoid the Eaterman, and when you get to the other side, it's the only way to get to Mist of Magic's Tower. So as you guys walk into the cave, where's the cave? It's right there. No, don't do that. That's the cave exit image. So ignore that. We got out of the cave. No, don't. I'm seeing the exit of the cave.

Oh, Jesus. No. I just had a vision of the exit of the cave. Well, walk us do it. And you guys enter into the... It's just straight that way. It's a straight path. Walk over there.

You guys enter into the Eater Man's cave. And you hear some scuttling and skittering going around. Who has the highest... It's probably bugs. Cohen, I want you to roll owl again. Oof. What's my owl again? The owl is plus two.

So I add two to whoever that you just roll. Okay. Gentleman's three. Okay. Oh. Crit one. Okay. That's not good. Yeah. Yeah, David Cohen, you, I guess you're probably, oh, this sounds bad now.

Myopic. And so you just sort of are looking around, wandering when you do indeed get caught in a web, and a spider is now on you attacking you. So you're going to take some damage as a spider attacks you. You guys, what are you going to do? You don't have to roll for combat. Think about this, though.

What do you want to do? How do you want to deal with this? There's more coming around you though. A story of my fucking life. Okay, David, you're going to take five damage from that. I'm going to subtract it here on the screen. That need for me. All right, so what do you guys want to do?

How are you going to free David? I'm going to charge it this spider. You're going to charge into the web. That's supposed to be a web up there. I don't have the web. I'll get the web image up. image up. It'll help you. I start jumping around and flapping my arms around and saying, oh, I'm a fly.

I'm a fly over here. I think you kind of have an ability to let you. Which, you guess... I have no abilities. You gave me no abilities. You could do like charm, I guess, with that, technically. Okay. Yeah. So roll, roll,

oh, no, I'll roll, I guess, against that. Let me a second here. Can't use an attack right now? You can use an attack if you want to. Yeah, I'm just thinking you guys the signs at a rolling initiative. Cool, yeah. I'm going to go ahead and use Sni-Lock's Snowball Swarm.

Oh, that's crazy. There we go. And that's David. There we go. He already had a spider in, caught? There he is. He's getting an attack. Okay, so you're going to use a snowball attack?

Well, Sni-Lock Snowball Swarm. Say the whole thing. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah. Nightlock, Snowball, Swarm, I know. It's a level two spell, man. It is a level two spell. So we're going to take...

You have a couple of magic charges you can use, but yeah, you're... I guess pretty low on magic now. But you can charge it up later. All right, so don't worry about it. Okay, I got an 11. That's not that good. 11 is not that good. Oh, all right.

It's just not that... Well, actually, wait. What's your... What's your... Fuck me. What the fuck. What's your intelligence? Your brain, sorry.

Oh, plus four. Yes. Okay. So 15, right? Yeah, that does hit him. So, yeah, you shoot this snowball at him. But not just at him. Okay.

You're good. You're good. You should work at my church. I really should. I would be more suited for that. I would like to freeze the web. Oh. I would like to freeze the web.

Now, that's why my intelligence is so hot. sir you should write a book about that freezing webs it would be a best seller all right cool I freeze it and everybody's like oh this is fucking bullshit he made the web blue and then I walk up and I go like

and the entire thing shatters and he's set free I like that yeah he gets set free the spider falls on its back it's knock prone if one of you guys attack this spider and kill it you could probably scare the other ones away but if you fuck up on killing it

you'll have to get into a fight And also I announced loudly, I'm going to go the next five minutes without eating or drinking anything. Okay. I would like to go up to the spider that's knocked onto its back and use my most famous invention

the tickling rod on its stomach. That's awful, but yeah, you could do this. It's awful to tickle? Well, yes, I hate... Oh, I actually knew... Did you guys know he hates tickling? Don't... Actually, you do?

I really do. You gave me a... Are you kidding me? No. He gave me a book once for Christmas called How to Be a Tickle Slave. It's a good gift for anybody. And you didn't know, and I was like, dude, this is very funny because this is my worst nightmare is being a tickle slave.

I think it's a lot of people. Dude, I actually hate being a snake. Okay. It's not their worst nightmare. Okay, but I'm going to tickle the spider too. Yeah, you're going to tickle that spider. And if it's as awful as you. you say, then it should drive the other spiders away.

Yeah. Yeah. See? And he agrees. Yeah, okay. You're using Okay, yeah, roll D20. Roll D20. 12 plus your, I don't know. It's melee, so plus your brawn. Oh, plus, well, my melee

is plus five here. Oh, what do I do? I don't know, I think you did something wrong. I think it's actually plus one, so 13. Okay, 13. Yeah, I mean, that hits him. So, roll damage. That tickles. Sorry. And no, and can we roll? Joy and laughter.

Oh, actually, sorry. Wait, sorry. Before you do that, you get advantage, by the way, because he's not prone. Okay. Okay, it doesn't matter. Okay. That's 10. Tickling damage.

Yeah, all right. You, this, what is this? Is that death? Imagine what a spider maybe sounds like when he gets tickled. You guys have no idea how much restraint it has taken not to just reach over and do this. Don't do it. Don't do it. I mean, you, I will let you do that, that's fine.

No, that's not when I, turn that off. Stop it, because then nobody will take me seriously more. So, yeah, okay, yeah. You fuck up the spider, they start to scatter away. You solve my spider puzzle. And you guys continue to move through the cave, and you do see, finally, the exit on the horizon. But what's that?

Oh, no, it's the eater man who is over. and I didn't finish making a better effects library, so that's why it's so hard for me to find everything, okay? So don't, stop, everyone, this is not the Eaterman. But I might not get to show him, so I want to show him anyway. This is not him, but... Who is that going to be?

Where was he coming from? He was going to be the Witch's Attended. You didn't have time to put in the Eaterman, but... He was going to be the witch's attended. He was going to sound like these. But now he's gone, you know, so I can't. But I got to find the Eaterman. May his memory be a blessing.

Here's the Eaterman. Oh, my God. The Eaterman's pretty cool, right? Yeah, I like this guy. All right, so he's like, what are you guys going to do? He is, like, ready to fight. You have a chance to parlay.

I seem to recall a rumor about that. Yes. Yes, me as well. What was it? He had a Bluetooth. I think it was blue. I think you're right that it was blue. What do we do with a blue tooth?

We can connect to it. We can connect to this blue tooth. Let's do that. You're going to try to connect to him with through the blue tooth. Let's connect to his. What I would like to connect to it? Blue tooth. What the fuck are you talking about?

Let's just, can you just roll this? Just roll whatever shit just We're trying to connect to his tooth It's not that fucking hard How about this? How about this? I get that you spend the entire time Looking at finding stock images Please connect to the tooth

Okay, how about this higher minute of 10 We figure out what that is lower You got to do something else. Hey, good with me, man. Good with you, man. Yeah, we got a three. All right. Moving on, we won't get it. All right, roll for initiative.

I got a 17. Nice. I got a 19. Okay. 29. Wow. 29. Oh, 20.

I got a 9. Okay. He got a 20. I got a 9. Okay. And the Eaterman got... He got an 18. Pretty good Eaterman.

Does he ever chill out or he's like that all day? Morning till night. He is only like that. He sits in front of the two. TV doing this shit? He has a great shoulder to waist ratio. I know. This is a Mr. Olympia. It's like one of those guys

where you're looking and you're like, oh, you could just let the gut grow and everyone's going to... Well, he has a six pack on his breast. Yeah. You know, when you sacrifice your penis, you can have like another set of abs. It's kind of worth it. All right, who got the 20 in this house? I did.

David Cohen. Good God. All right. What do you want to do? All right. Well, I don't have a ton of experience. fighting demons. There was a man on fire once, but that's kind of different. What I'm going to... What I'm going to do is...

So, this guy is legendary for eating tons of meals, right? Oh, yeah. Do I have any disgusting, spoiled food on me? Like, some... You put it that way. Hard-boiled eggs I've been keeping in my socks. Yeah, I like the idea of you

falling through a Lord vessel and the hard-boiled egg. you definitely packed a lunch I pack a lunch every time I leave the house it's called the go bag oh shit you might have lunch out you don't know Peter man come back I'm gonna make him bigger

where do they whoa fuck calm the fuck on sorry I accidentally deleted him and I was like we make him bigger anyway all right yeah so what are you gonna try to do you're trying to lure him with the dirty egg

yeah I'm gonna surreptitiously let these soft-boiled eggs roll out of my pocket and then I'm going to slap myself in the head oh David you buffoon those eggs were your lunch and you'll never find them

they were so delicious I gave you a move called like falling down because I knew you were going to be an old man and I wanted you to be like kind of have like a Mr. Magoo sort of this lines up perfectly with that so roll

a D20 and add your balance ball to that. That's dexterity. Oh. Folks counting at home, balance ball. Okay, yeah, 23. Okay, yeah. So describe to me how you do it, because he's going to get very heavily, most of the enemies are just getting distracted, is what I've decided.

Okay, so how do you just work? Yeah, talk to me. Okay, so I opened my eyedroid and I sort of feigned exhaustion and I'm like, oh my God, I spent so much time in this kooky, magical land, and getting shrunk and getting normal again? I forgot. I would propose to have a call about doing our sequel to Eight Crazy Nights with Netflix anime. And we're way behind on our squid game parody. Octopus game. It's not a very good parody, honestly.

I'm thinking of giving it up. Oh, I should eat my lunch right now. Two hard-boiled eggs, nice and fermented in my shoe. You unwittingly distract him. Like, you're, like, just rambling, and he's just, like, intrigued. Okay, time to pull my sock off. Okay, yeah. And the eggs sort of roll out.

And he sees your foot, too, and he's like, blub-b-d-b-d-b-d-d-b-d-d-l. He's like, wow, he's owie. I love human foot. I'm noticing him doing that. I go, and, you know, another thing. I forgot that I'm supposed to have my Zoom with my podiatrist, because there's some really gross pus coming out of both my feet.

recently. And they say it's the pus that gives you the same brain disease, famous from syphilis. So he is going to have disadvantage on attack rolls he does, and he's going to be focused purely on attacking you, because you have now learned him. And so he's going to come at you with an Eaterman attack, where he's going to stick his tongue out, and another mouth's going to come out of the tongue. I don't have a, I don't have a picture. Don't have a picture. Okay. I kind of want to. see that. Okay. He misses the first attack he does. His tongue sort of whips around again. You're just like, you like bend down to take the sock off and the tongue goes over your head. And what's your AC? 16, I think, right? It's up top. It's a shield. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, 16. Okay, all right. Yeah, he misses again. This, this is terrible. So he's just like, whip, missing and he's trying to lick your, your pus-ridden foot and the boiled egg. And it's just going horribly. who is next I think it's me yeah you got the 19 right okay go

so I remember that he had a sweet tooth this was the rumor I realized I got sweet and blue mixed up as I often do in a lot of my writings and I remember also that you drank absent with the sugar cube did you not

so I'm just going to reach out and stick my fingers oh very nice and the compliment on my hunger trick has gone off right now And so I'm so hungry

that I try to eat your hand when it goes up eating. Okay, I want you to roll. I want to make him puke the sugar. I know, I know, yeah. Oh, you want to make him puke. Okay, are you going to try to, try to... Like, you're like, yeah, I'll puke for you.

I'm going to least... You know what? Yeah, I'm trying to... To aid him, I'm trying to get as much salt off of different parts of his hand as possible to shoving it deeper into my throat. I wanted to check because otherwise you'd have to roll a con save if you were like,

wait, I don't want to puke. But if you do, but if you do... No, if you want to check it. No, if you want me to describe it, I'm gagging. I have water, I'm going to be tears in my eyes. I feel my ears pop when I'm gagging on his hands. Why did this fight just become the gross one? The Eaterman is in it.

He is a really nasty guy, and you have no choice. He doesn't stop moving. All right, cool. Yeah, you puked out the sugar cube. I'm going to see if the Eater man's able to resist this. A sentence. How could he? I knew I was going to say one day.

The sugar cube covered. He is unable to resist. Yeah, who could? He got a five. Like, he's criminally unable. And the sugar cube, I guess, like, bounces down the hall. And he's just like... What, you don't have a sugar cube covered in there somewhere, huh?

He bounces away, and you guys have solved my Eaterman puzzle. That was the only solution, right? You could have killed him, but we don't have time for that. So now you get to the Wizard Tower. which one do you guys like by the way you like this one do you like this oh one this is an evil the way is he's evil yeah evil two two i have one other one but it's really low show that one that that's the one that's the one that's the one that's the dog we kicked earlier he's gotten he's turned evil i don't know why all right amazing so you guys get to the wizard tower

Mr. Magic's Tower. And you enter into the tower. I love looking at it. I can't keep my eyes off. It's hurting my neck a lot. This chain mail. Yeah, sorry. I mean, I wish I could have had another screen out here.

No, it's the chain mail. Yeah, I'm wearing chain mail. And you guys get to the tower. You climb and you climb and you climb, and you finally get to meet Mr. Magic himself who is holding. the princess captive. So let's get his ass out here.

Where is he? I know, is it? My God, he's already performing a spell. You'll never defeat me, Mr. Magic. But don't forget, there's a princess there, and her friend, Marie. Princess, where's Marie? Princess Friend is what she's labeled.

Where's Marie? There she is. There is Marie, baby. Everybody loves Marie. Wait, she does look fun. She looks really fun. Hello. What if she would...

Oh, this is a different princess. Different princess. Different princess. Different princess. Different princess. Different princesses, sorry. Multiple princesses captive. I was trying out.

But we only have to focus on two. We could kill one of them and wick back the other. Ah. Both rewards. All right. So you guys have... Marie, check this out. Roll charisma on that.

Let's see what she thinks of that. She's like, okay. She chews gum, chew gum, kind of girl. Fucking five. Five? All right, that's not bad. Yeah, it isn't bad, Marie. Okay. I would like to, similar to what I tried with Eaterman.

Like, I'm looking like I'm not paying attention to them. And I go, I go, oh boy, just another day in my life as a movie producer who could get any great-looking girl in a movie. What about a night? Yeah, sure. What? I'll get back to you on that. Okay, cool. Roll your D20 again, and we'll add the, what is that? I think it's plus three to that, or plus four?

For charisma? Oh, no, it's not charisma. It's the move I had for that. Oh, I roll that. I'm sorry. Oh, for falling down, yeah. I made that. I made the thing. Okay. I don't remember any. Okay. Wizard, Mr. Magic. Oh, God, he got a four. God damn. These rolls are so bad.

So he's like, wait a minute. You mean you think I could star in a movie? Oh, buddy, absolutely. Hey, back the fuck up. He promised me. He promised me, you wizard, bitch. What part do you think I could play? You're going to play the part of Dead Man. You're going to play the part of Dead Man. You're going to play the part of Dead Bitch. What do you think I could do you think he's getting closer to you he's like what do you think what do you think I should do all right so you have a classic look I make parody movies have you ever seen the you know the the the craplot or sandlot parody no I've seen it I've seen it I've read it to the scroll tell me more about it well it's about a bunch of kids who find a big crap but that's not a here nor there

We're making a Harry Potter parody, and you can kind of guess what theme we're going with. It's called Harry Potthead. Oh, dude. In the case of the never-ending bungeys. Hey, that is hilarious. And we're thinking that you're going to play the Dumbledore parody character.

You're kidding. Are you fucking serious, for real? I think I could do it. Absolutely. I don't want to make the fuck. movie if you're not in it. You're going to be playing a character called Dumbull Snore.

Because you smoke too much indica. And the bong of the phoenix was taken from Hogwarts. I kind of feel like all of us as well as everybody we've ever met in this entire adventure would fit perfectly into this movie.

And it should have just been that. All along. We're going to have you guys roll initiative one last time. He's distracted. He's going to get a I'm going to give them a set initiative score of its low. I got a nine. I also got a nine.

Okay. 20 patches. Oh, big man. We got 20. We got two nines. Who got the nines? Who got the nines? Ball and a lot.

Me and Cameron. You and Cameron? Okay. You have hired decks, I think. Yeah, that sounds perfect. It doesn't matter. Cool. But 20, you're going to go first.

Fuck, I actually wish I didn't have to go first. He's making me nauseous, and I'm looking at him from the corner of my eye. I'm going to make him a little smaller. Wait, let me look at my... R.D.U.'s Aganazer's scorcher. He did Nylok Snowball Storm. Oh, you should do mirror image and make six more of him on the screen. That is such a great idea, though. I might just do it. I'll do that.

So that's typically a movie due to yourself. But I just like him so much that I'd like to see a couple... Actually, even five more of him. Okay. I like this idea. I'm going to think about, like, what, so typically you do this, and it creates copies, and it distracts.

He won't know who's him. Yeah, he's dissociating. He'll be like, well, who should I be? Wait. What's his name? Mr. Magic. All right, I do this shit. Do I have to roll something?

He's going to roll something for this. All right. Tell me if it works. I will He's resisting this? He doesn't want this to have? No, no, no. He doesn't.

Misty Magic, this is why we came here. Meet your five brothers. Your five brothers of varying sizes because they all grew up separately with different diets. Wow, I love these guys. I love that they're going at the same time. Okay, all right.

He's going to roll to see if he resists this, and then unfortunately we'll have to get rid of. of him if he does. He doesn't resist it. So he's here to stay. My roles are so fucking bad right now. Okay. Oh, how many is supposed to be?

Six of him? All right. Do you want one more of it's bigger? Okay, I really wish I made this interface. Thanks. Yeah, I wish I made this interface better, but I... Sorry for using the word interface today. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. All right, cool. He's going to, so he is going to be distracted and have disadvantage on his attacks. Let's just have him. Well, go ahead. Don't be shy. Go meet your brothers. Hello? Hello. Hello. Okay, cool.

That's a corn-fed one. Yeah, that's a big one up there. Okay, so they're all meeting each other. They're like all arguing about who's going to be starring in David Cohen's Harry Bonger. Bonger wheat pothed It's Harry pothead and the bong of the Phoenix

Harry bonger Pothead and the pot of the Phoenix Correct Did I get it right? No Okay All right Who got the 12? Oh, I got a 12

All right you're up Okay You are not somehow distracted by this You know exactly which one is him He's the only one who's not sure Well duh movies are shot from multiple angles I think I've never heard of a stunt double I would like to initiate CQC.

Okay, good God. All right, roll D20. Who, seven. Okay, yeah, you do not do CQC. Fall on my face. Fault all the way down to the lobby of the Wizard Tower. Hey, you just fall to land on your ass. Ow, ow, ow, wow.

Just out of combat, out of commission completely. Okay, who got one of the nines? You guys did. You guys go at the same time. Go. We're going to do. combo attack. Do a combo attack, please. I'm climbing on his shoulders. Naturally, Freak the Mighty.

I guess I'll do showstopper. Showtime. And I'm going to start spinning. Okay. And I'll poison him at the same time. Yeah, you point, okay, because you think if I ingest a poison, and then I'll have a poison. I put a bunch of poison

in both of our mouths and we go, oh my God, this is what revenge is actually like. I love it. Okay. You guys shoot poison out of your mouths. Roll, both of you roll a D20 will take the average. Don't bother taking the average. Use his roll. Use his roll. We'll take the higher one. I got a, wait, are I'm adding something to that?

What's the higher? You got the higher roll? I got a 14. Okay, add your decks to that. Oh, whatever. It hits for sure. And I just didn't get anything. Like, it didn't even just, like, it didn't even just, like, disappeared. That's a 15. Okay. I think the idea, the fun, you guys. are basically spending a turn to do one attack together. So what's your attack on ShowStapa?

Show Stoppa is 3D8. Okay. It also says prone. Yeah, you would knock him prone based on the DC. I'll roll his DC to see if he's knocked prone. But you can do 4D8 because you're adding Cam's attack to this. Okay. You're disgusted by that.

Yeah, disgusted by me just not even coming close to playing by the rules. This guy is a fucking phone. I got a . You got 22. Damage? Yeah. This is 4D8? Yeah, it was. How much HP did I give Mr. Magic? No, 20.

He doesn't have six of it now. No, there's only one, really. I'm going to say that his clones disappear after you do this kind of damage to him. Oh, seriously? Well, okay, they can... No, that's much quicker. That's much quicker.

Check this out. Check this out. It's much quicker. All right. You're up. Crucially He's like Ow, wait, once Marie's turn. Is she going to tag the other? No, she's hanging out.

She's hanging out. She's chewing gum. She's sizing you guys up. She's like, okay. That's mostly what she does. It's kind of how I pictured her. You know, I have an Audi. Ah, so do I. They thought it was a tail

in front. All right. Cool. Who's left? Who's left? You are up. Is it you Cohen? Oh, yeah, you go. Oh, okay. I've made my way off. I'm sorry. You were first. I'm sorry. I forgot the order of things. I forgot that we skipped Mr. Magic. You're right. Yeah, dude. I'm going to use a crazy-ass spell. I'm sorry. So, let's use Melf's Acid Arrow. Ooh. Melf. Melfth. Milf's acid arrow. Yeah, it's Melf. It says Melfth, but I'll use that. It's milf. Range attack, acid damage.

I got a 16. 16 does hit this damn wizard. Roll for damage. 4D4 acid damage. Okay. Oh, God, he's going to die. Plus 2D4 at the end of next turn. I didn't give him.

He has spells. You only want to see some of the spells? I put the spells. 12. Yeah, describe your kill. I'm going to put some spells on the screen. I look at Marie. It's cool.

And I pull out the acid arrow. Oh, sorry. and I'm... It's not in the bell, you didn't have it? Yeah. You don't have a bow. I cast a spell on the arrow some time ago.

And I'm just been in my pocket this whole time. Yeah, just like burning a hole. I'm trying to be hole for Marie, so I kissed the tip of the arrow kind of forgetting what it is. Most of my face burns off and I start looking like middle...

We have poison ingested. Yeah. My kind of like eyes down has been fully dissolved. Yeah. Just the melted face. But I tank it. I look really cool, and I send that thing

right into Mr. Magic. And then I... No. Mr. Magic. Oh, Mr. Magic. He turns first into a purple plum with smoke. And then he turns it to a skeleton. And then he's gone.

Marie! Bring her back now. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Put her back and send me the picture as well. She's bigger. Can we actually add... Yeah! Can we add that to the story that when we defeat him, she gets bigger?

He had used a shrinking spell on her, and when he died, the magic was dispelled. And so the other princess is gone, as far as I'm concerned. ID-G-A-F. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't we get, don't we get, I get two roles and plays? Well, while Marie's distracted, we're just going to take her out, right? Take out the princess?

Yeah. Yeah, you guys can just kill her. Yeah. And now you guys can hang out with Marie. What do you guys want to do? Hooka. And Bluetooth speaker. And so they go do hookah.

The two best things in the world. And listen to Bluetooth style music. And they finish their advantage. The End. Thank you, everyone. Thank you, everyone. Thank you guys. Thank you so much. You get it.

I was in my buddy. We were both huge fans of Neil Cisteriga and we saw him at, I think it was at Shake Shack in Harvard Square. Whatever,

it doesn't matter where it was. But we saw him in, we saw him in line. He like got in line. You sprayed yourself? He just spilled on his own face. Above the upper list. What the fuck was that?

It was crazy. Antigravity spill. We'll get a real. we uh we he like came in we like saw him walk by and we were like oh my god what the fuck and then he came in and got in line like behind us and we were like holy shit and we went up to him we're like hey man we're like huge fans like just want to say we like love your stuff yeah and he was like really awkward like he was like clearly take very taken aback and not used to that type of thing and but he just said that and then like went back in line but then the guy next to us in line was

like turned to us and was like it was like a grown man it was like who is that is that a celebrity And we're just like, no, it's just like a guy on YouTube that we like and he was like, dude, what's his name? Are you serious? And then he started taking creep shots on Neil Cisorick. And we were laughing so hard that this guy thought that he was in Shake Shack

with like Tom Cruise.