Podcast About List - UNLOCKED Premium #38: Father in laws eye for the son in law guy

Episode Date: January 6, 2021

caleb got sick from a burger and cameron is busy. I tried to record an episode by myself but it wasn't good and I have to go to the dentist today. everyone is mad at me.

You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. This is premium content. If you are not a premium subscriber, please pause now and purchase a premium membership immediately. All right, I'm recording. Wait, let's do the run through. We got a backtrack here. You're wearing wireless headphones, Patrick, and you've got a hat on. Boy, it looks like he's, with that hat in those headphones, he looks like a steampunk train conductor.

All right, Pat, I think you said, you said no or something. I said I don't. You don't? Okay. Yeah, you look like Chris Angel. No, wait. Don't say anything. Yeah, Ruth's Chris Angel. Fucking fat magic man. This guy looks like Christmas cookies angel. Yeah. Yeah, crispy chicken angel. Chips Angel.

Chips Angel. I'm going to make these chips disappear. Turn around. This guy's looking like. I made them disappear in my mouth. The funniest part about Chris Angel is that he's got a speech impediment. His accent is so good. He has a list. I always said he's like, is just a New York accent, but there's something wrong with his tongue.

He has a big tongue. He does? Yeah. I'm going to make his tongue disappear. Yeah, and you know where, yeah. Yeah, in your butt. Having sex with him would be scary because remember that one, remember that one. I made the condom disappear.

Yeah, you're really risking having a kid if you have sex with any magician ever. Right. They're going to make everything disappear the whole time. Nothing in my condom, nothing in my condom. Turning it inside out and writes out a bunch of times. Yeah, man, he's going to make a dove crawl out of your pussy after you're done. Yeah, he's pulling a... a bunch of maxi pads tied together out of your vagina.

Oh, fuck. I'm worried that the homeless women on my street are trying to fuck me. Yeah? Yeah, every time I walk by them, they just give me... Yeah, again, they're trying... Yeah, they want to double-dipped. It was so good the first time. They just...

I walked down the street and they give me eyes. There's like four of them. They look exactly the same. Maybe they're evil sisters. Yeah. Ooh, ooh, it's like the fucking... The ladies from From my street.

Ocarina of Time, the two witches? Except it's four of them. Yeah. Oh, so, okay. Caleb, maybe you're just dizzy when you're walking there and there's only one of them. No, I don't get dizzy. I actually, I actually never been dizzy in my life. I do, it did.

I can't be spun. Yeah. Yeah, I don't get it. I don't even, it doesn't phase me. I'm unfaceable in that way. It's kind of awesome. It's one of my many abilities that I have. You have at tops one ability.

I have two abilities. You have one. Credit card debt. Yeah. And those are my two abilities. And I unlocked it about eight months ago. It's been a great ability so far. What are you guys drinking?

I got water. I got coffee and water. I'm back to drinking and smoking alcohol and... Yeah, I might have to be here this weekend. Let me see how many days I have. I made it two weeks That was all I needed Pat's gonna do way better than you Caleb

I literally said I don't know I don't know if I'm gonna I'm gonna do better than you He will not I don't know I'm at six and a half days I mean that's pretty It's tough man it just is so fucking boring

Right I yeah I don't know what to like I thought that a TV would help me I thought that I got a TV and put in my bedroom I was like this is how I will Stop drinking and smoking And then I just sit in front and watch basketball on the front of my bed. You don't need a beer to watch sports. I want a, I want a fat, I want a fat rolled one, dude.

I want to smoke a scooby snack, you know. Ooh. Oh. What are you burping on? Oh, what are you burping on? What are you burping on? Yeah, burp check. Not much these days.

Yeah, burp check. What are you burping on? I went to the dentist. few days ago um yeah and i was the dentist was like like after it was just for like a teeth cleaning and after he cleaned my teeth he was just talking about like like like he was like like he was like really excited because there was a new toothpaste drop he was like yeah they just came out with this new toothpaste you have to check this out dude and then he was telling and then he was like and he was like and he was like and i'm going to give you some of this waxed floss i'm

really pissed off because the company discontinued my favorite kind of floss, but I've been in contact with them, and I can tell you, I think they're going to bring it back. I guess you, I mean, that's what you do as a dentist. If you're a human, you can really only be interested in one thing. Yeah. You know, like, if you're going to do it well. Like, Michael Jordan, it was basketball. This guy, it's teeth.

So I guess he does just keep. Do you think there's like a website? There's like a, like a grail. Yeah, yeah. Tom's of Maine. It's like, yeah, no, it was just, it was, I've been thinking about it so much, just like, of course that's what a dentist would do. They would keep track of all their faith, like the new drops. Dentists, that's like a, that's like a Richard's scary job.

It's like one of the base 15 jobs that my brain understands as a job. Yeah, that's one of the jobs that animals can do. Yeah, exactly. Dentist, construction worker. A donkey could, clean your teeth. He could, yeah, he could. He could. I'd let a donkey touch my mouth.

You would? What other animals would you let touch your mouth? Yeah, let's go through them. Where do you draw the line? How inhuman can we get? Salamander. No. Alligator.

You would let a donkey touch your teeth, but not a reptile touch my teeth. Why do you, why not? Why would you not let a reptile in your mouth? Scales. Salamanders don't have scales. Yeah, it'll give me scales. Also, salamanders aren't reptiles. I don't want anything sticky on my teeth.

Reptiles aren't sticky. Except candy. I owned a gecko. I owned a gecko. I owned a gecko. I know. He climbs up a glass. No, he doesn't.

You don't want him anymore. Yeah, he died. Yeah, he died from heat. I used to own various reptiles and bugs. Would you let a bottom of your mouth, Patrick? You had a bug? Patrick, would you? Yeah, I had a pet bug.

I had a tiny dental floss leash, and I'd walk him around the neighborhood. I had to clean up after him. Patrick, would you let a bug in your, touch your mouth? I would not let a bug touch my mouth. What if it was the more, okay. If it was like a gorilla dressed up like a dentist. You would notice. I don't think I'd notice.

I don't think, I think guerrilla's hands are too big to be a dentist. He'd end up just like, you choke on his fingers. If I got a dentist, I need a dentist with tiny ass hands. So I'm so confused why you wouldn't, yeah, why would you not let it? a person just a person like if it's a dentist he's got a small mouth i don't want someone's fucking hot dog fingers in my mouth because that's what dentists do they stick their whole hand in your mouth they kind of do my dentist does yeah i think you guys have freaky dentists who are into stuff they're freaky well i actually do go to a freaky dentist the last second of last

dentist i went to uh left the you know the sucker thing like the thing that dries your mouth Patrick keeps going to different dentist and they keep just looking at him and going and just running out of the place. Yeah. No, this dude, so he left the sucker thing of my mouth for like 30 minutes and I was like

oh, he must be going to the bathroom or something and then he comes back in and he 30 minutes? Yeah, like 30 minutes. I'm sitting there. I'm sitting there just like and he's like he comes back in and he fucking is with somebody else

I'm like I think I was like 15 he's no I was 14 so he comes back in with somebody else and he is like it's someone from his church and he's giving them a cassette tape of his wife's organ music so he was gone for like 30 minutes because someone texted him and is like hey I'm here and then he came in and he's like oh you're gonna

you're gonna love it you're gonna love it track 3 she does this cover of fucking this song it's amazing let me get this clear were you strapped to the chair yeah why didn't you just do why didn't you just take it out of your mouth I don't I didn't know when he was gonna be back I thought if I took it out if he took it out

he came back he would you would flip out I'm 14 I was 14 I don't want to what like I what if he's like weird about his tools you should turn it on him you don't touch your uncle's tools in the shed yeah you do I would touch my uncle's tools if he put them in my mouth and left them there for 30 minutes. Yeah, it's different.

Yeah, it's different with that tool of your mouth. That's true. When I was in high school, I was, when I was having, like, really bad sleep problems and I couldn't sleep, I fell asleep at the orthodontist in the chair. And I got, like, I kept waking, like, I kept falling asleep and waking up just, like, from the sensation of someone putting hands in my mouth. That was probably one of the, one of the most real-life nightmare. experiences i wish i could sleep at the dentist no dude it's just imagine imagine waking up because

somebody is reaching into your mouth that's probably like the worst fine for me you can have i could sleep through it prank i would just uh pretend that i'm eating a big hoagie you can't pretend when you're asleep it's not possible you can pretend in your sleep no the imagination can either dream or pretend or play pretend you can't do both exactly That's right. Patrick has no answer to that. I was taking a jewel hit. Have you guys ever tried to do astral projection? Yeah.

You have? Yeah, I know Cameron has. Yeah, I tried to in high school. I was in high school, I used to, I got obsessed with it because I heard Sinbad talk about it on the podcast. He was like, yo, I used to be astral projecting all the time. He said that he used to do it all the time, and that he like one time traveled to China while he was astral projecting and he was like but I don't

I don't I don't play that voodoo shit anymore anymore yeah it's dangerous dude I but I was like I'm young I have nothing to live for I want to go to China so I would try every night I would um I was big and a lucid dream yeah no yeah that's like a lucid it doesn't yeah what it's great you become a ghost so what I but his his advice his technique is that he would sit on his bed and then like almost fall asleep and then right before he fell asleep

he would reach out at like something that he had placed on his bed like a rock and then he would leave his body and then he would go to China you had to get on a plane he had to go to the airport and yeah you can't float

no he fell asleep also everybody can see you yeah right yeah and you're and you're fully clothed yeah but I just wanted to like I don't know Go to the WBA. I would try to

lucid dream and never were. I could never do it. One time I got sleep paralysis at school because I fell asleep after a test and then I could hear people being like, wake up, but I couldn't move at my desk. Oh my God. Damn. That sucks, dude. I tried to do lucid dreaming because of something Ray Romano

said. What do you say? Ray Romano. Ray Romano is a lucid dream guy. I'm sensing a trend between you guys experience. Yeah, I watched a, it was a Pete Holmes interview on the Pete Holmes show of Ray Romano. There are worlds beyond our comprehension. I kind of just astral project to get away from my freaking wife. That fucking rocks, dude.

What is up with comedians being completely insane? Yeah. Who would know? Who would have thought? Yeah. When I was, I got really into Lucid Dreamy. I did it a lot when I was growing up. And I got into it when I, I have to have said this before.

but I got into it when I was staying with my cousins in California and one of my cousins picked up this girl at a gas station and then brought her back to the house and I was like 14 and I was like damn she's so hot and then I took a nap

and while I was napping I started lucid dreaming and I was like oh my God the the possibilities are endless I can do whatever I want let me just imagine getting a blowjob from that girl. And then I woke up and just covered in my own cum. And I've been trying to do that ever since. I've been trying to get back there.

It was amazing, dude. It was like Minecraft. It was sick. I got to... I feel like I should apologize to her. I'm sorry, a gas station lady, if you're listening to it. You can do that in Minecraft, but the only other creatures in Minecraft are like cows and pigs. and stuff, so nobody does it.

Right. Nobody has sex. Unless you're on an MP server. Yeah. Yeah. Patrick goes on an MP server. Miners and pedophiles. You could have just said that you fucked that up so bad.

No, no, that was good. Miners and pedophiles. No. What would I have said, Patrick? Major pedophile or something. No, minors and pedophiles. You know what a minor is, Patrick? It's like jailbreak on GMI.

It's like Cots and Roberts. There's minors and there's pedophiles and you have to. to play one. All right, now I get it. Now I get it. We should make, that'd be a good role play server on Gmod. Yeah.

We should make that. Yeah. I'm gonna get in touch with Gabe. No, because everyone who plays Gmod is either 12 years old or 40. You can't, that would be too real. Right. You would just open up a world of Flemian.

That's a very fair point. You just open up a very toxic community. No, I think it would actually be really friendly and positive. It would be great for the kids. All right. Before we get this started, let's have a good game, boys. You got a

A nice clean game. We need to make sure that everybody on both teams recognizes that they are valid and just like very, like, positive. I'm taking a knee on the pedophile side during the national anthem at the beginning of the game.

Sometimes you've got to take a stand, dude. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, they sing the pedophile anthem at the beginning of the game, and I don't support that kind of thing. Yeah, it's Gary Glitter, rock and roll,

Part 2. It's just them going, da-na-la-da-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. No, it's that song, it's like, I love little girls, they make me feel so good. That's the same guy who wrote the Simpsons theme song. Yeah, I know. Yeah.

That's Danny Hoffman. I knew Caleb didn't know that. I knew Cameron knew that, though. You didn't know I knew that. You didn't know that until like a week ago. Huh? You guys are a couple of... No, I only just started watching the Simpsons like a month ago.

I was a big, I was a big Boingo-Boingo fan in high school. That makes, like, a lot of sense. Yeah. That's, yeah, I would have expected that. Oingo is what you called breastfeeding your mom. He breastfeeding his mom. His mom drinks his milk.

My mom? Yeah, you would, hold on, wait, hold on. Let me think about this. Yes, you would. Yeah. Yeah, you would breastfeed your mom with your big, juicy tits. Did somebody just shoot a gun outside of your house? Yeah, I don't know what that was.

I didn't hear it. All right, well, it must have been nothing. Don't hear any screens or anything. Hold up. Hold up. Hold on. Yeah, go check. It's 16 minutes in. He heard a voice. A voice. He heard a voice.

What? I think he's astral projecting right now, dude. Yeah, you're astro projecting into his house to scare him. It's Sinbad. He heard us. Shows up. Knock on the door. Yo, I heard you were talking shit about astral projection. Listen. I had to pick the voodoo.

back up. Can you guys hear me in there? What? I think, I don't know what the fuck that was. That was weird. I heard like... All right, we'll just keep it in. That wasn't too long.

That was crazy. Yeah, did you kill him? Did you kill the guy? I think it's a ghost. I think it's haunted. It's in bad, dude. Yeah, we're saying it's a very old building. Do you guys, how, how, what percentage of you believes in a ghost?

None. Zero percent. Okay, this is, you asked me right at a time. I was thinking, last night. I was reminded, I was hanging out with my friend and I was reminded of the most haunted experience I've ever had in my life, which definitely, I don't think it was a ghost, but it felt like one time I was walking home, it was on New Year's Eve, right before New Year's Eve, right before New Year's and I was walking from my friend's house to my house with like a bunch of friends

and we kind of were just like walking around by hometown and we were like, oh, let's go on the street like that we haven't walked on before. Like let's just see what's up here. And we were walking and like... Elm Street. Yeah. and we saw this big haunted house and we went in and bats attacked us no we're just walking down the street and like there was like just a bunch of like train sounds over and over but the train tracks were like further across town and then like a bunch of the houses the front doors were just like a little bit ajar like it was like truly like the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced I'm sure

that we was just like we all just got really scared for no reason but you heard a ghost train we heard ghost trains dude and the doors were all open and you didn't go in no it's people's houses you know it seems like it wasn't and then there was and then we were we're all just noticing the doors were all open and there was just a really old lady in a wheelchair sitting on the sidewalk all alone at the end of the street and then yeah that's her house that's her house and then so we were we were very scared by that and I realized that's probably why that was probably, you know, the simulation glitching out, and that's why 2020 is like this now,

because that was the first, that was right before 2020. Hey, thanks a lot, Kim. You gave us Carol Baskins. I know. Yeah, thanks a lot. That's what I was saying about last night. Kimran. But no, I don't believe in ghosts.

Kimran. Kimran. Shut up. Yeah, thanks a lot, Kimran. I don't believe in ghosts, but one time I was at People's Republic in Cambridge with Tom, Jesse, and Abby. And Jesse is way into ghosts,

and she kept talking about it. And then we, like, went outside and smoked a cigarette, left Tom and Abbey inside. And then we walked back in, and they were, like, about to vomit. And, like, looked, their eyes were, like, completely dilated. And we were, like, what happened? And they said, as soon as we walked out of the door, a glass moved from one into the table to the other. What the fuck? And we thought, we were like, you're fucking with us.

And they maintained to this day that that's what happened. I think it changed Tom's life. Yeah. I really think he was, like, I can't do comedy. I have to go be a doctor now. Yeah, I have to discover all the ghosts. I honestly think that's when it all shifted for him. That's when he was like, I have to just be like a normal guy.

Oh, my God. I have to check and make sure people are dead so they won't come back to life. I have to be the guy that confirms whether or not someone's dead. Yeah, my mom believes not in ghosts, but in like angels that you can see. Yes. Yeah, so. Oh, you told us about your angel story. Yeah, I did.

You're an angel looking over your bed When you're like five And my mom's still My mom was like barely even religious anymore And she's still like Yeah I saw an angel on you I saw your angel My mom believes in ghosts

My mom thinks Well this has been So there's like There's like a radio That wasn't plugged in That turned on in my sister's room At our house and where And there's a room

In the house that we don't put anything in Because that's grandma's room is she dead no there we don't grandma we our grandma doesn't live you never had a grandma no oh my god

oh that's even scarier I know no there's like there's like this room that apparently like the people who used to live there like said they hear like voices in and like they can talk to the grandma

I forget most of the shit but like apparently like I think that's an iPhone game yeah yeah there's just an iPhone game in their house but somebody one of the other neighbors walked up to my mom when she was gardening once.

She was like, oh, in that room right there, that's grandma's room, right? And she's like, what the fuck? Whoa, dude. Apparently, it's like well known that. We should honestly go, it's like an old colonial. I think that's a good thing to do once, we should go with your uncle, dude. Yeah. My friend, uh, I would love to.

My friend Dan went to school in Hawaii for a while, and he was hanging out with his friends and they were getting drunk, and then one of his friends was like, like, I'm going to go pee on this sacred ground, this sacred, like, whole, and ancestral ground, yeah. And, uh, he did. And then he got a huge rash up, like, just like half of his entire body, just like from his leg up to his chest. But he wasn't like him.

If that's the best a ghost can do. Yeah, I'm not a little scared. Right. Yeah. Yeah. If I saw a ghost, the thing is nobody's ever, even if ghosts are real, nobody has ever died from a ghost, I don't think. It's something that, something that, something that.

that just is forever repeating in my mind is, I think Griffin found it, but it's in one of those, it was in, it's one of those videos where it's like 50 people give their hottest takes. And like, there's just like, it's just a bunch of people like saying like woke social justice stuff. And in the middle, there's just a girl who goes, it's not a bad thing if you're haunted by a ghost. Sometimes it's really chill. But like, that's all she says. I don't know. I feel like that's a bad thing. I agree.

Right? I mean, it's the haunted. No, it's worse as if you have a ghost that's watching over you. No. It's worse. Yeah. It's worse to get a hearty and angel. Personally, I would say it's worse to get haunted and killed by a ghost.

But a ghost can't kill. What would, like, then some ghost is judging me. I don't want that. Everybody's judging you, Pat. Yeah. A bunch of ghosts and vultures out there. Yeah. They're judging you right now, dude.

I hate it when a ghost judges me. No, you want to go to ghost court. I think the fun of the judge. That's the worst. No, you would like it. That's the fucked up thing is that he would actually like it. I would hate it. I would hate it if a ghost judged me.

No, and everybody would be wearing a white sheet except for you, and that's how they'd know you were guilty. And there's one white sheet that has a powdered wig on it. Yeah. That's the judge. And also, one of the jury members has glasses over their white sheet. Yeah. The ghost lawyer's wearing a tie around the white sheet So you can see like the outline of the head

So it's just kind of pointless to wear the white sheet And then your ghost wife is in the audience with your ghost baby And she is breastfeeding Yeah and she oh and she's got them out dude Oh my She's got two hole two eye holes cut lower down And then you pull out a vacuum and you go Suck the milk out

Yeah you suck the milk No you go Luigi's Mansion on the whole courtroom You could probably suck breast milk out with a vacuum I think the coolest ghost development would be if like some scientist invented like a device that lets us see ghosts and we find out that they're just all hanging out all around us all the time and they're just like smoking weed and like you know just putting up money and I would not feel safe in my own home Pat would like that yet again Pat is no Pat is lying right now he is capping

Pat you are capping dude I'm not capping You are capping right now. I'm not capping. Stop the cap, brother. Yeah. Take that cap off. More like cap, Rick. No!

Yeah, you're crapping right now. No, I'm not. I'm sitting. You're sitting on the porcelain throne right now. Yeah. That's right. No crap. Yeah, no crap, brother.

No crap. No crap. I feel like we would find a ghost if we went looking for one. I would not. Absolutely. Where would you check? I think our next big video, our next documentary should be some kind of, some kind of ghost hunting or cryptic. We can get, we can get Uncle Matt right now. We can get Uncle Matt. Here's a, I don't think I've, I don't think I've talked about this, but the best part about Matt, besides every other, besides every, besides every, besides the metal in his head and the music and the ghost hunting thing is that all of, he's had like maybe four or five different ghost hunting organizations, all of which are acronyms that. spell out a dirty word so i think right now i think it i think right now is say some more say all of them so one of them was crap and i don't remember what that one was one of them one of them one of them was shit and then now the one that he does is ass acquiring supernatural spirits that fucking

rules sick dude crap probably the pee and crap is probably poltergeist probably paranormal i bet it was I wish it's poltergeist. Capturing and... Controlling really annoying paranormal. Poltergeists. Poltergeist. Yeah. Yeah, it probably was that.

But yeah, we should... We'll definitely go ghost hunting. We can... What's the oldest place you guys know about? The Earth. Oh, there's one place... The Earth's core. We could go to the Earth's core.

Dude, there's probably so many lava ghosts in the center of the Earth. Do you think they'd let us check out the White House? Do you think there's dry bones in the center of the earth? Yeah, dude. That's probably where they come from, dude. That's where they base where Bowser comes from. Bowser came from the middle.

Middle of the earth. Yeah, Bowser, he does like lava. Yeah. I hate when I'm trying to find Bowser and I fall in and I burn my bottom and I have to run around going, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, aw, aye. Yeah. Don't you hate that, but I actually run way faster when I do that? Yeah. So annoying.

It's kind of like a speed hack. Yeah. I hate being Mario. There's a building in Goffstown. It's so annoying. when I'm Mario? Yeah. Oh my God, dude.

Well, a lot of people don't realize that it hurts when fire comes out of your hands. Yeah. He burns himself every time like Wolverine. Yeah. And he just never gets used to it. Yeah, and when, and you... He doesn't have the healing like Wolverine.

You can't fucking believe, dude, the growing pains when you get a mushroom. Your whole skeleton just stretching out to twice the height. No, annoying, dude. And you think that's bad. Imagine, like, the crunching and the creaking that happens when you get the tiny mushroom. Yeah.

Yeah. And imagine trying to extend. to the Walgreens cashier that your name is Tanuki Mario you're not going to believe me you're so fucking annoying Mario's SSRIs yeah all this for some white bitch

yeah no thanks no god it sucks being Mario Shakira Shakira I'd do Mario there's not even like a trampoline or anything at the bottom of the pipes too yeah you just gotta hit it dude you know how much brain damage

I get from jumping onto blocks from the bottom Yeah, and fighting turtles And hitting turtles You think that feels good to kill turtles all day? You think that feels good for me? I don't even have pockets big enough for all my coins

Yeah I don't even have pockets big enough for all my coins I'm Mario. I'm Mario Hey, how's it going? It's me Mario. I don't have enough pockets for my coin. And then you have your brother

Yeah. Don't even give a star of my brother. Yeah, he's always mom's favorite. Yeah, I wonder why. Yeah, tall. Yeah. He's also a pussy. Pussy.

Yeah, why do you keep hunting ghosts? Why do you keep hunting ghosts? They should call him... Why do I keep getting captured by the ghosts? They should call him booji. They should call him Pusigi. Yeah. Buhuigi.

These are all good names. And I've got a fat, evil twin who wears yellow clothings. Ugh. What do you think I am, Waldo? Purple one. Don't even get me started on the purple one. You guys are, you guys are Waluigi and Wario, and I'm both a Mario brothers combined. You're, no. Because I'm the good guy. I'm, I'll take Wario. I'll take it. I don't care. You will take Wario. I'm dry bones.

No, you're definitely Wallyi Bones. One time for Christmas, we, uh, Caleb, Caleb is a Maru, or whatever. I'm not Luckyto, I'm not Yoshi. You're the little, you're the little camera guy. You're a, yeah. Tell me I'm Yoshi. Look at my tongue. You're a, yeah. Tell me I'm Yoshi. You're a fucked-up, you're a fucked-up green dog like Yoshi. He's a dinosaur, actually. You would think that's a normal egg green. You guys are both bird up. I saw Yoshi, she's a dog.

When one Christmas we met, we got my grandparents, like, mugs with all of us. All of us did, like, a drawing on the mug of them. And my brother tried for, like, five minutes, and they just gave up and traced Wario as my grandfather. And my grandpa opened it. I was like, ha, ha, ha, ha, looks just like me. And then I showed him Wario, and he was perplexed. And the fucked up thing is, it looks just like it. Hey, yeah, his W. Hats.

That just confirms Wario is Italian. Yeah. No, he's not Italian. He's the opposite of Italian. Yeah. Whatever that. He's Irish. No, he's Irish or Greek.

Yeah. Sworn enemies. The two people who make pizza. And me. I make pizza. Yeah, he's your Italian. Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Bitch. We should go on a European world tour. Yeah, we should go on a world tour of Europe. I'm thinking of going on a world tour on my house today to go to the bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. I'm thinking of walking around in a circle in my house. Yeah.

I might go on a world tour to, like, the store. Man, I wish I didn't have to walk all the way to the bathroom. I wish I could just cut to a map and show two dots, one in my room and one in the bathroom and a line going between them with a plane flying and then it could be there way faster without having to walk. It's so easy, dude. But like the plane, the plane kind of arches, like the flight pattern kind of arches in a way that it doesn't make any real sense to. I'm fast traveling to the bathroom. That's the fastest way to travel on a globe. The fastest, the fastest way between two points is a large arch that goes all the way over them. Yeah. A red line. On a globe, yeah.

You're right. Because it's, because it's small. The globe. a little bit smaller at the top. You're right. I agree. I know I'm right. I'm agreeing with you. You're a genius, dude. I'm a green with you.

I'm a green guy. I'm a creeper. I know you're a yoshi. I'm going to creep it green. I'm not yoshi. You're a green creeper. You just said you're green and you're a creeper. Yoshi is definitely grinch adjacent.

I don't really like you guys calling me that. Like you? No, I'm not grinch adjacent. Yeah, you are. No. I'm the grinch named Jason. You would be like, you would be like, you would be like,

list to Grinch Pipeline. You would be like a sub-boss and a Grinch RPG. I would not be a sub-anything. You would be, yeah, you're the sub-boss and the Grinch RPG, and you're the guy who's like, you're the wrapping paper guy. You're the guy that... No, I'm not. Yeah, you are.

I'm not. You guys are the... You, yeah, we're the heroes. You're not Cindy Lou's who are four. We're not Cindy Louu, but we're who's. I'm not Cindy Louu. And you're the wrapping paper boss. I'm not the wrapping paper boss, and if I was, you guys would be wrapped up.

I'm stealing the wrapping paper for the Grinch. I don't... I don't even sound like that. You're the Grinch's name, yeah. I don't even sound like that. I'm taking all the wrapping paper for the Grinch. You're called the Grinch's Groomsman. The truth is, I'm actually very close.

That's the character's name. I'm very close with Santa Claus, and neither of you are getting presents this year. What? That's okay. Yep. You guys are celebrating a different... You guys are both getting...

Patrick both converted. We didn't tell you yet. To what? Don't tell on Patrick. Judaism. Judaism? Judaism? No, it's different.

He said Judea. Oh, okay. Well, I know Jewish Santa too. That's Charlie Day's religion. Yeah, I destroyed him. He invented. It's about rats and stuff. It's about rap. Yeah. Judaism is about rap. If I know one thing about Judaism, it's hip-hop. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's right. The seven days of hip, of hip-hop monica. Hip-Honica. We're going to have a hip-hop monica this year. That's right. They're playing a dead prez hip hop Every time that they light the menorah Yeah, that's right And Little Dicky's there That's the only Jewish rapper I know of

Actually no ill bill is a Jewish rapper What? Asherroth Isherroth Jewish rapper? Azaroth from World of Warcraft I think so Mr. Moth Mr. Moth from outside? He's in World of Warcraft.

World of Warcraft? You guys aren't making any sense to that. What are you saying? Seferroth is Jewish. Yeah, Asherroth is Jewish. Seferroth is a Jewish rapper. Tell me what you just Googled. Asher Roth?

And then what? Wikipedia. You did Asher Roth Wikipedia? Yeah. And you just clicked and scrolled? Uh-huh. It's a personal info. You did control F. Jewish on Asher Roth's Wikipedia page.

And you got one result and you're like, oh, he's Jewish. But then you did. didn't notice that it's just in the info box it says not Jewish it just everything that he's not listed Patrick wrote a script for Google Chrome that just on every automatically control F's Jew on

every single page that he's on so he just has to go to the Wikipedia it's easy for him. It's not true it is true it is dude you you're a disgusting person and you're evil too I'm not you are man you are you're I'm thinking coming from I don't know man I'm

I'm thinking of becoming evil. You are. You already are. No, I'm thinking of becoming a super villain. Oh, Mac Miller was Jewish? I'm just on the Wikipedia phrase for Jewish rappers now. Oh, there's some that are like, there's one guy who's like a, his whole thing is like, I'm a Jewish rap. What?

Oh, her mom. Oh, her mom's Jewish. Okay. Well, that's, yeah, that's how it works. That thing that was like, she, she. She's in racial chat rooms is the funniest thing I've ever. Oh, my God, dude, what are the fucking, okay, so it's got like the Beastie Boys, Doja Cat, Mickey Avalon. Mickey Avalon?

Yeah. Rucker Rucka Alee. Yes. Two live Jews. Andy Sandberg. They put Andy Samberg in it. Weird Al isn't on it. I guess that makes sense.

Yeah, we confirm he's not Jewish. Yeah, that's kind of the new podcast we're doing. We pick one celebrity every week and we find out if they're Jewish or not. This week, Hallie Berry. Let's go. No, it's Astoroth already. Nope, it's Hallie Barry this week. Let's find out.

Hallie Bailey. There she is. Child actor. Sally the baby? Is that what you're saying? No. I searched Hallie B and it filled in Hallie Bailey, who I don't know who that. that is. But I tell you this much, she's not Jewish.

I can tell you that. Really? I could have told you that for free. Well, that's why we're doing this show is because Patrick is clairvoyant about this one issue. Yeah, Patrick has a crystal ball that he... I have no idea why I know. He just sees their penis in the ball. Tell me, Obama, cut, uncut. I feel like that should be public record. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. When the president gets his physical, we should know what the president's got a thingy. We have to know the cut, the length,

if it's like a tricolor one. We should see a traced outline. What the fuck do you mean tricolor? Like a Neapolitan ice cream? Yeah, like the, you have the... What is that? What? No.

Somebody has a solid penis. Somebody has to get blessed by God with a perfect pink penis. You know what I'm talking about? I guess so. I have a lot of time. The beginning, the base of my penis is like midnight black. The middle is like a Georgia peach. And then the, and then the top is as bright as the sun.

It's glowing red, like a weak spot on a JRP boss. You don't have that? No. What color is it all the way through? Looks like a candy corn. It's my color. It looks like my skin. I don't know, man.

Maybe I'm the chosen one. You know. Yeah, maybe I'm the chosen one. If anything, you have a deformity. I'm the chosen one. with the tricolored penis. That's just the truth, dude. Confirm, main character.

I'm the good guy. You never heard of that, Patrick? No. That's a thing. Everybody message, Pat, pictures of your, of your Neapolitan penis. If you have one. And no Photoshop.

Yeah. No Photoshop. This is a no filter challenge. Send the photo of your penis to what's his name on the other end of this phone call and make sure that there's three colors in it. Okay?

No Photoshop allowed. No Photoshop. elements allowed, no pixart, okay? No pixler.com, no gimp. No pixler, no word art, no Google Docs, just pure, uncut, or cut, a tricolor penis. Okay. I don't want to see your penis.

Oh, you already said you did. I said that. I said that I don't want to see it. You said that you want to see it. No. You said you want to eat it like a candy corn. I don't want to eat it like a candy corn. You said, wow, this looks like a popsicle.

from the ice cream truck. Pat wants to find one under his pillow. That's not what I said. Yeah. If anyone has access to Patrick's pillow, please place your penis. Please put your penis in it. Oh,

he's going to flip it over in the middle of the night. But he flips it over not to get to the cold side, just to check if there's a guy's penis there. Oh, my God. And he's going to do it. Yeah. It's like waking up on Christmas morning for him. I don't want to see it.

What if I showed you my penis on this call right now? I've seen your penis. No, you, but you haven't seen the, Three colors. You saw it in a picture of it. It was turtled, okay? It didn't look very big, and it looked like one color. Just trust me, there's three colors.

You made it? It's four and a half inches long, and it spiraled like a duck, okay? When it's hard. You took Neil's phone, and you took a picture of it. I'm going to take your mom's phone. No. Oh, I'm going to take your mom's phone, and I'm going to do nasty stuff to it, dude. Yeah.

I'm going to ruin her high scores on Candy Crush. Dude, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna shit on it and throw it in the fire like a mud-baked salmon. That's what I'm gonna do. A mud-baked salmon? Or a clay-baked salmon. You know those? No. Somebody didn't grow up in the woods.

A mud-baked salmon. It's a real thing, dude. That is not a thing. Somebody's ever been camping. First, you don't think Neapolitan penis is a real. Now you don't even camp, you can't even comprehend a mud-baked salmon. That's how stupid you are, dude. No, it sounds like you didn't...

It sounds like you didn't grow up in a fucking cave like Caleb, dude. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, your penis didn't see the light enough. That's why it looks like that. Nah, dude, I didn't grow up in Canada. You have one of those blind cave fish penises. It's translucent. You can see a heart and lungs inside it.

My penis does not have an angler on it. And it's got a little light. It's like an angler fish. It has a full skeleton inside it. Listen, I don't lure fish onto my penis, and then give them the first color, okay? That doesn't happen. That's what you do.

I don't, I don't even know how I would do that, man. That's what you do. I'm trying to comprehend that. I'm looking at my penis right now. I do not have pants on. That is true. Man, it looks so small right now. I'm looking on my, it looks so small.

It's insane. It looks like an accordion, though. Like, you know it gets bigger. I'm looking at my dick, it looks like an unplayed, perfectly pristine packaged accordion. Yeah. And I'm looking for my weird owl. Man, it's like a, it's like a, it's like a prank can of peanuts. Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Got the snake in there? Yeah. You wear a can. You were can on your. I knew what's not canned, dude. You wear a can on it and it springs out like a big worm. Yeah, into your face.

Yeah, big. Big. Damn, you got him there. Did you guys see, did you guys see Jokar Sarnayev is not going to be put to death? Yeah, dude, I'm going to have a party tonight. I'm going to invite everyone I know.

Unless I have something to do about it. Yeah. What are you going to do about it? I'm going to murder Jokar Sarniaev. He's going to look at this. I'm going to write in, now that I know he's going to be alive in November, I'm writing a man. Yeah, let's lead a Jokar Sarnayev write in.

vote, dude. I mean, why not? Somebody addressed the Boston problem. Yeah. Well, okay, and here's the, here's the, here's his, like, here's his, there is a Boston problem. His slogan, right? He's a hero who addressed it. The good Joe. That's right.

Oh, shit. Cameron's got to get on the fucking, Cameron's got to get on a campaign. I'm going to get on Joe Garzarnio's campaign. I'm going to send him to me, like, can I work for your campaign, do you think he gets email in jail? no he just gets it in his mind yeah that's what he got an email that told him to do that he could be on stage and be like listen we can talk about health care education reform foreign policy all we want the truth is neither of my opponents are willing to do anything about the city of boston he's like he's at a campaign rally and he's like and i have great news for everybody look under your chairs because everyone has a pressure cooker bomb How did the pressure cooker bombs work? Do they just...

You put really bad rice in there, and it stinks so bad it kills everybody. Yeah, you put a real stinky curry in there, and then you just turn that bitch on bomb. You turn on the bomb setting. They should stop making pressure cookers with the bomb setting on there. That's a big problem. Yeah, that was a huge misstep on Black and Decker's part. Putting the bomb setting on it.

Yeah. they should just put a bomb setting on everything though it's true of the microwave microwave do you guys know I don't have a microwave anymore do you guys know anybody I don't have one either didn't have a microwave growing up no I don't know no they were so commercially available I mean I guess like

I guess did like my parents count yeah wait no because yeah just they didn't grow up with microwave my sister-in-law like her parents believed that if she would have them if she ate food out of a microwave she'd like grow like a third eye and shit yeah they're not wrong i mean yeah the thing it like comparatively they've been or stuff like that has been around for a pretty short time and i'm sure in like 20 years it's gonna be like oh yeah the the iPhones were actually like accelerating our evolution to grow wings all along

well that's definitely true it's definitely true that a phone is sending stuff into your brain yeah yeah stuff that we can't see kind of like a like a peer black goo. Yeah. Uh-huh. That Patrick immediately adapted to. And Patrick is the next step of evolution. Something that can actually handle the phone.

Yeah. Like I was thinking about, like, me and Cam quit. We, like, quit using Twitter every, like, couple months for a little bit. Yeah. And Pat just has never, it's never popped in his way. No, I know. Me and, uh... No, can't stop.

Me and Simon were talking to Pat about, like, like, like, because Simon and me were just talking about, like, like, like, even, I'm not even a 10,000 followers. and I get so angry at people on Twitter who are disannoying me. And I'm just like, oh, my God, this is ruining my life. But it's also the only way I'm making money right now, so I have to stay on. And they were like, oh, Pat, you have like 25,000 followers. How do you deal with that?

And you're just like, I don't know, I don't care. It's not a big deal. It just doesn't, it's crazy. It gives a shit. He's like, I mean this in the best way. You are one IQ point below where you would be if it made you mad. Yeah. You know, like you're like, you're like one 19.

maybe yeah probably like 139 you're not 139 no probably 139 no I'm I'm a hundred million I don't know I mean I have an IQ I kind of transcended but beyond it

none of it none of it fucking matter like why like there's so many people like there's so many fucking people who are like oh my mutuals are fighting who gives your shit just fucking you can put it down for a little bit

go on a different like just scroll Go on a different... Go on vote. Go over to vote. Go vote. Go to vote. What's the conservative one? Oh, what's it called?

Scribler? Yeah, parlor? Burbler. Parlor. Parlor. Parlor. Parlor. Yeah.

I made a parlor account and I got banned for pretending to be Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I plundered on parlor. I put disinformation. regarding hydrocloxine or whatever the fuck it's called I am Donald Trump I am gay that's what everyone was on parlor the week that parlor came out everyone made an account that was like I'm Donald Trump and I'm a democrat and then got banned and we're like look at these freaks I totally got them oh my god oh yeah free speech my ass I should have gone and made boobs official who gives a shit yeah like I was going on there and being like

I am going to kill you. I am going to destroy you. And then instantly getting banned and be like, well, I guess it's not a free speech app after all. Yeah. Yeah, someone got triggered. Yeah. Someone got reversed triggered.

Yeah. Fucking own, dude. Yeah, spending enough time to make an account on their website and interact with enough people to get banned. Yeah. We're conservative now. It does, it does. Why not, dude?

Yeah, let's do it. Shit like that does get annoying, though. I will admit. It does get annoying. Just put it down, dude. Just go do some. something else no i know i know that's what i do that do you put down parlor i do i put down parlor and then i open twitter back up nice and then you oscillate between the two yeah remember they

tried to do that with like mastodon or whatever the fuck it was called yeah yeah i'm the master and the don hey that's right i made one i made uh the subway account on there on mastodon i couldn't figure out how to use mastodon yeah oh yeah that was like the one for like the decent who are sick of right-wing trolls on Twitter. Yeah, that's the one for people who are sick of an app that just works normally. You can just turn off. Yeah. Yeah.

Sake of an app that makes sense that isn't everything on websites, like, dot i.o websites. Yeah, that's at any of those websites. I mean, they've perfected websites at this point. Like, you'll never have another, like, dig to Reddit move. Right, right? I mean, because they've just gotten too good at making them, like, nobody, you can't make a more addictive. They put billions of dollars behind researching how to make Twitter the most addictive thing it can be.

You're not going to be able to make anything that competes for it. Every website update that's been made since 2010 has just been like a negative, negative move. Oh, absolutely. The fucking, it started with the blue lines on Twitter, like the blue reply lines. Yeah, it started with all the blue lives in threat. The blue lives, too. Yeah. It started with the blue lines.

And then it was like, oh, now you can put like four pictures. Now we're going to show you the pictures. now... I loved one you couldn't see the pictures. Yeah. Yeah, and you open it up, and there was those accounts that were, like, food or gore or whatever.

Yeah. I mean, they would just be, like, breaking. John McCain dies while in Ryan Dunn's car, and then you'd click on it, it'd be goatee. Yeah. I missed that. Yeah, that was the best.

You know what I mean? They took all the surprise out of it, and then... Surprise me. Keep me interested. Okay? They took all the surprise out of it, and then they put, like,

I want to see a man's balls and a man's ass. I miss Fave Star Cups. I miss the Fave Star Cups. I was talking about that the other day with Cameron, like the serious FavStar guy things. The ones where it was like guys who would make posts.

It's like, I just saw someone hitting an innocent child. Hit me instead. I can take it. Those are the fucking best. Those are the best guys. It was either that. They would say shit like that or then jokes like, um, yeah,

whiskey equals awesome. Like just just the fucking. worst types of guys and then they would send like some girl on their like 15 like like you get one Fave Star Cup a day and then they would send them like some girl some woman who has like a husband and they're like oh here's your cup darling thanks for the cup darling I missed Faye Star I was I was uh at the time I was like trying to reply I was just like reply to rappers all day yeah yeah I was at some point I got blocked by E40 I'm still blocked by E40 dude

It's fucking heartbreaking Damn Yeah I don't know why I was an early adopter of Twitter I think I think that's why I'm such a fucking moron now Yeah definitely that's why Yeah I'm deniably that's why Yeah yeah I was too busy I played Battlefield 3

And I went on the hip hop Reddit and Oh yeah you guys were Reddit guys I was a huge Reddit guy yeah Yeah I was just a Twitter guy I wasn't even I never back and nuked to my Reddit account because it was all like Yeah

I'm so excited for the Obama re-election campaign Yeah Yeah fucking it was atrocious dude I'll probably I'll probably nuke mine too But it's not tied to my name or anything I don't think people I never used I never used Reddard my genius brain decided that my Reddit name

Should be Caleb underscore Pitts Yeah Yeah so smart great move yeah making I had no idea I just I did know I had no like concept of like Why you would want to be anonymous on the internet I wasn't posting like anything racist or or mean so I was like yeah you just you know just post embarrassing like Hillary stuff with my full name on it yeah you were a Hillary guy yeah no but in

2016 were you a Hillary guy in 2016 I mean I worked for the Bernie campaign but then the campaign manager was like in North Carolina was like we need to do like a big Hillary push and I was like do okay I work construction and so to my 400 followers I was like y'all we need to back our girl oh no dude I was I was straight Hillary in 2016 I didn't I voted for Jill Stein I was that was like right around

when I when I started listening to Chapo Trapp House so that was right before I learned that you could that you could you could vote for someone else and I was like I became I was early on I was early on all that shit I listened to the I remember listening to the first Chapo yeah oh dude

when they were on street fight I remember nice I was busy. I was having sex. Yeah. I was too. No, you weren't. No. No, you weren't. No, you weren't. I was having sex with my phone. Yeah, because you have a, you have a lightning bolt cable for a penis. That's why it's all one solid thing.

Now, yeah, I remember it actually. That's you. And then you turns out you don't remember. Here's me. Look at the fucking. Yeah, I remember. Yeah, I think I remember about that. I remember that. Whoa. What was that voice, Cameron? What? Do that one again. I think it can't I remember that.

Oh, okay. It sounded better the first time. I'm thinking I remember that. Yeah, my name's Patrick. I'm also mean to my friend about voices. No, it was really good. He sounded like, you sounded like Ernest. I don't know what Ernest sounds like I've never watched an earnest movie.

Let's do some voices to close out the episode. Let's just do a bunch of voices. Okay, let's do, um... What were you going to say about me? Don't worry about it, Patrick. I know what he was going to say. You don't want to hear it. Sometimes I think about just like the media diet that you,

grew up with, and it blows my brain. Oh. The idea that you grew up watching Jackass and Ernest movies is insane. Yeah, I know. I'm a fucking weird person. You're such a freak, dude. I'm a freak. I'm a freaking moron.

I hope that lamp behind you jumps up, like, the Pixar intro and squishes you and replaces you, and then we have a lamp instead of Patrick. Cameron and I were talking about this, like, on stream the other day. Like, I literally, like, I remember commercials. from the 70s, even though I never fucking saw him. Like the one with the sad Indian that was Italian? Yeah, that guy, and then, like, that's from the 90s, I think. I don't know, man.

But there was, like, we were talking about the Calgon commercial, the ancient Chinese secret. I don't know what that is, I don't know why he's saying we were talking about it. He was telling me about it. I was telling Cameron about it. He was telling me about commercials from the 70s. Do you guys remember the head-on commercials? Mm-hmm.

You mean Headstrong? Yeah, I'll take you on. And it's also, it's not a commercial, it's a song. Yeah. It's the song, but it's in the commercial for, like, amp energy. Dude, the head-on commercials were, like, brilliant. When did they fucking make those? They were so good.

Like, late 2000s, mid-2000s? They must have made it in, like, 1990, and then just recycled the commercials. I felt like I was fucking being hypnotized. You were, dude? I mean, I guess. Yeah, that is true. Remember when they paraded it in disaster? movie, the parody of it? No parody would be as funny as those commercials just were.

There was, they made the... Adam Curtis could make an entire documentary about head-on. Exactly. The disaster movie parody was head-on, apply it to your fucking forehead, you bitch. It's fucking sick, dude. I don't know what head-on is. Fucking spray it on your couch, you fucking dumb. Spray your shit, though. Spray your shit with it. That's going to be the next, the next wave of commercials.

Absolutely. They kind of do that. No, no, I mean, like, after the, like, after the, like, after the, after the self-care brands kind of, like, start to run its course and people get, like, more people get angry at them, there's going to be one brand who, like, goes like, yeah, we're the, we're the fucking cool brand. We don't give a fuck about self-care or being woke. We speak what's on our mind, and it's for, like, Kraft, Mac and Cheese is just tweeting that over and over. Craft Mac and Cheese. Yeah. Craft Macon Cheese.

cut it's for men only yeah thick cut they bring back cheesosaurus rex but he's a P-U-A now yeah he drops a macaroni in a girls drink brands are gonna brands are gonna start

just adding random women on Twitter and just and just sending them unsolicited dick picks that's the next it's a message from Applebee's to a woman that just says you look so much better without makeup. Dude, I miss the GoDaddy commercials.

Those were, I was rock, man. Remember that one Go Daddy commercial? Do you want to titty fuck this athlete? Go to go daddy.com. Danica Patrick's boobs at goaddy.com. Okay. And me as a kid, I said, okay. Yeah, sure.

I went there. And then you get there, it's like, here's our plans for a website. Here's our plan. This is how much bandwidth you can get. And I'm like, all right, I don't care about your plan. I care about my plan to titty fuck that girl from the commercial. Exactly. Remember that one, they had that fat kid.

And that's what I call a plan. There's a Go Daddy Super Bowl commercial where it was 30 seconds of the fat kid from the I'm Just a Kid Simple Plan music video making out with a woman. And everyone was like, what? This is disgusting. I was disgusted by that.

They made a kid make out with a grown woman. Oh, no, he's like, if you look up a picture of him, he was just like the generic nerd from every early 2000s movie. Oh, so... But he wasn't a kid in the... No, no, he was just... He just looks like a fucking, like, IT guy. Pat is like, no, Pat is like, no, he wasn't a kid.

He was 14. Yeah, he was above New Hampshire age. The average age. Yeah. No, they should bring back corny commercials, though. Go Daddy Makeout commercial. It's Jesse Hyman is his name. Whoa, yeah, Jesse Hyman breaker.

Yeah, he made it with Barr Refieli. Yeah, me too. Me, Jesse Hyman, he bakes out with Barr Raphaelie in front of 11 million people. Jesse Hyman, Jesse Hyman is like just the perfect pickup artist name. Yeah. Yeah, I'm Jesse Hyman. Oh, he was one of the band kids from... Buster Hyman.

Buster Hyman? What's up on Buster Hyman? What about Hunter Hyman? What about Hunter Hyman? Hunter Cunter. Hunter Pussy. Just, yeah, becoming a pickup bar isn't just changing your last name to pussy. Titty mister.

I'm Tiddy Mister. Nice to meet you. Welcome to David Busters. Hey, I'm David Sexual. Ooh, David Buster. David Buster. David Buster. That's a good one.

Yeah. I'm Tony Robbins. Tony Danza. Tony Robbins. I'm Robin the pussy blind, dude. Mm-hmm. Because I'm Toby Robbins. Toby Robbins.

Toby Robbins is P-U-A brother. Yeah. He's a pickup artist guy, right? They based... Tony Robbins? No, he's like... He goes on stage and he's like, you can have every dollar in the world!

And then, like, middle-aged women, are like, yes, please fuck my mess. You know what? I thought Tony Robbins was the guy from, like, that elliptical commercial. That's a different Tony. Yeah. What's up?

I'm Jimmy Female Orgasm. Jimmy the myth? Yeah. Jimmy the myth. No Jimmy Female orgasm. How about that? Oh, my God. That's what I'm talking about.

Female orgasm is his real last name. He just makes his first name. No Jimmy. Yeah. I would be a great pickup artist. Oh, I'm thinking of Tony Little. That's a very different guy. Tony Little.

No, Tony Robbins is big. tell you that much. Tony Little's the guy with the, he wears the fitted hat and the, he's got a ponytail. There was some pickup artist who was on Freddie Wong's podcast in 2011, whose name was, I think it was Adam Lyons. And I didn't know what a pickup artist was. I was just like 14. And I thought he was, I thought he was fucking awesome, dude. Yeah. Because his, it was like, it was like all these nerds talking to this guy who like gets pussy all the time. And he was just talking about like, like, like, uh, like, so what? harassing women on the street.

So what kind of special effects do you use in order to draw the women in? That's what they're saying. I put my penis closer to the camera, see? So it looks bigger. It makes it look a little bigger. I put them in the background. I put my penis in the foreground. But yeah, he was just talking about, like, they were like, so, like, what's like the greatest pickup you've ever done?

And he was like, yeah, one time I picked up a girl from her boyfriend on the street. Whoa. And I was just 14. Like, I would never let that happen to me, dude. I would probably kill you. Immediately, immediately kill that guy. And then he talked about larping and how he would go larping and try to pick up women while he larked. Dude, that fucking rocks.

So, that fucking rocks. Because he's picking up the kind of women who larp. He's like, oh, yeah, well, you know, chivalry back then was different. Yeah. It's all a different thing back then. Yeah, super impressive. You picked up a woman larping because you were like under 350. right like fucking sick you were the only person there who kind of looks like a night yeah yeah exactly yeah you're the only guy you're the only guy who's who's not pretend who's um who's just pretending to be a troll oh and then i looked him up recently and he's married to like five women at the same time god damn oh my god he did it a bunch of wives on like a compound oh my god so it's where it's i i can understand if i can understand if they all have their own house

and he just visits them, but if he's got a compound, fuck that. I can understand having, you know, sleeping around, but... Listen, listen, let me tell you what. One wife is plenty for me, okay? I mean... Hey, look, that's all I need, all right? That's all I need, but if I had more than one, I'd probably... Five different wives telling me to get off the video game?

Yeah, man, sounds like paradise. Five times the wives is five times the chores, if you think about it. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. I'm not doing that shit. Let's think about the pros and the concept. here of five wives yeah five wives means uh oh my god but what if they all what if one wife

five mother-in-laws no thanks yeah no fucking thanks yeah but if they all have gay dads that's ten father-in-laws yeah i'm thinking this is the best life in the world i'm thinking we got a flag football game i'm thinking we have a full we have a full peeley football team we got a whole we got a whole flag football game ready to go Fourth of July ever, I beat up all my father-in-laws. Oh, ten dads and five grills. Yeah, you're gonna have those five father, or those ten father-in-laws building an octagon in your backyard.

Oh, my God. Right? Oh, my God, it'd be amazing. You could have also different, they could be, like, different characters, like Ocean's Eleven style, you know? Uh-huh. You could have, like, an explosives expert, dad, you know? This is the hacker, the hacker dad.

You're like, hey, father-in-law, the toilet's, clogged and he'll be like, I'll be right over, drops a stick of dynamite in blows up the toilet kills your fifth wife and he's the cleaner. His name's the cleaner. Yes, you could have a chef. That's Billy the cleaner.

Chef dad. A chef father-in-law? Yeah. Right? Who comes over makes you a French omelet dude while his daughter fucking sucks your balls, man. Yeah. Yes. This is my father-in-law, Jacques Pepin. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and then you could have Yeah, you could have, like, a very sexual, like, South American father-in-law. Yeah, who comes over and he, like, he gets your wife primed.

Well, it's okay, because he's, it's not his daughter. It's the other one. Yeah, it's a different. But he comes over, he, he lays down the rose petals that lead to your bed that your construction father-in-law built. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, my God. Right before he's about to penetrate your wife.

It's kind of like queer eye with dads. Dude Father-in-laws for the Father-in-laws for the son-in-law Single guy For the father-in-law For the son-in-law Ten father-in-laws for the one guy

Yes Uh-huh Yeah And that's We gotta fucking pitch that to Netflix right now Yeah, land parties Land parties with the father-in-laws You're all playing Counter-Strike

Uh-huh I was imagine You got Jedi Academy The hacker father-in-law The show, yeah There we go God, the show, like, and they're all, like, trying to give advice at the same time, and there's, like, one of, they're always, like, yelling about, like, explosives and hacking and construction and stuff all, all just over each other. They don't know how to take turns speaking.

Everybody be quite, therapist, therapist, dad. Don't we have a hack. Okay. All right, we got to know. I know. Mr. Gadget. You know Mr. Gadget. And then you have Captain who's, like, an ad.

Let's run through their names. Let's run through their names. Gadgett? We got Gadgett the cleaner. Mucid X monster is the Mucid X monster. Mucin X monster. Gadgett the cleaner, Mucinx guy. Bombs away is the explosives expert.

I thought the cleaner was the explosives. There's another cleaner. There's a janitor. There's French made dad. Oh, sexy topless French made dad. Walks around, cleans your house. So how many dads are we at now? I have four.

Mr. Bean, Dad. Mr. Bean Dad That wait But they're code names So we gotta get the code names Young dad Like he's really smart But he like skipped a bunch of grades

And became a dad faster Yeah Yeah Um Um Sexy dad We got Sean White Sean White dad

Sean King dad Sean King dad Sean King dad Yeah yeah Civil Rights Activist dad Yeah Therapist dad No

No He's the one who asks you About your relationship With your father A boy cannot be a therapist Get that... Line 11, Firefighter, Dad. First Responder Dad?

Mm-hmm. Space Man, Dad. Space Man Dad. There we go. That's all 10 dads right there. All right. Here's a fucked up thing, though. Now that we have all 10 dads...

Uh-huh. I kind of want more. Yeah. I kind of want more dads. All you have to do is... I kind of want a monster dad. I want an alien dad, ghost dad, Bill Cosby Dad. Monster Truck Dad.

Yeah, Hillbilly Redneck Dad. Caleb, here's the thing. There we go. If you want more. all you have to do is you go... Get another wife. You go to the bar. You go up to a woman, you ask, do you have gay dads? And if she says yes, you go, great, nice to meet you.

I'm Buster Heimann. Yeah, Buster Heiman. I barely know her, hymen. Yeah. But I will. I will. Oh, I will know it. Oh, yeah. I'm going to get to know it pretty damn well.

How about you and your two dads come over? My name's Buster Hyman, and I know what you're thinking. Buster Hyman, I hardly know her, but just you wait just you wait yeah ooh Hamilton dad Hamilton dad yeah what does Hamilton dad it's a dad who likes Hamilton rap and daddy Civil War dad oh my God uh-huh obsessed Civil War reenactor dad yes ghost dad yes dude ghost dad you did yeah all right where are we going to put all of them in the house where You have all these dads, where are they going to fit?

Where am I going to put all of them? I don't have enough room in my cabinets. Thank God we have money, money, dad. He's going to buy us a big piece of property. We have rich dad and poor dad. I got a big, big house. Rich dad, poor dad? We have rich dad and poor dad.

Poor dad lose in the shack. Bagdad. Bag dad. And bad dad. There's an evil dad. He's trying to destroy the family. They're trying to destroy the family unit. Yeah.

Yeah. Ooh, social justice warrior, dad. Yeah. We have that. We already have that. No, no, this is like, uh, this is like, like Travis McElroy style, dad. Okay, okay. My dad, my dad, and my dad.

Skateboarder dad. Oh, that's kind of covered with Sean White Dad. Sean White Skateboards. Gamer dad, although that could probably just be gadget. That's gadget, for sure. See, there's a lot of, there's too much overlap. There's only about 15 types of dads you can have, and then you just start doubling up. So, yeah, 20 is too many.

So this means that there has to be... For 15 to be the number, there needs to be either a widower dad or a straight dad. That's true. Oh, my God. One mom? A mother-in-law could be a dad. The mother-in-law, you just keep her in the basement. Yeah, because I don't need a girl.

I don't need you kind of... Listen, I have plenty of wives. Yeah. How about you can sleep in the shed? You should... You put all your wives in one room and then you and the dads get to hang out. Yeah.

It's really just a life hack more than anything, more than a plan, you know? Yeah. Because you don't want to marry... You don't actually want to marry any of the women. Because you don't select them based on if you love them. You only selected them based on how cool their gay dads were. Yeah.

You know, so you don't give a fuck about these girls. If there's a widower dad, though, then the widower dad could be like... The widower dad's the evil dad. Oh, my God. Yeah, but then it's only 14 on the dad compound. But you still have 15 total dads, but I think is important. Yeah, you have a dog that's technically not a dad, but you can call a dog dad.

Yeah, it's kind of like a dog's purpose dog. Yeah, we do. We do need an animal. We need an amorph dad. Monkey dad. The monkey dead is your actual dad who died and got reincarnated as a monkey. It's like Winston from Overwatch. He's just kind of like a smart gorilla. And then you could say, it's like the monkey from night at the museum. Okay.

And you could say, yeah, yeah. And my dad's a monkey. Yeah, turns out. Yeah. But like if somebody says something unbelievable, you could be like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and my dad's a monkey. Yeah, and I got a dad who's a hacker named Gadget.

Yeah, and I have 15 dads and they all live on a compound. Yeah, sure. Except for a monkey. Yeah, totally. Yeah, and I have seven wives that I've never seen them naked. Yeah, sure, man. Yeah, and one of my dads is evil. He keeps trying to blow us up, but we've been using different war tactics to attack him and kind of prevent him from destroying us.

Yeah, okay, sure. Yeah, we have a big computer that's got an AI in it, and that's technically a dad, too. Yeah, and we also have cyber dad. Yeah, cyber dad. That's like the Jarvis. No, no, it's not gadget. It's like the, yeah, no, he's like, um. He was a dad created by gadget.

Yeah, sure. He's a dad created by gadget. And my name's Hunter Poon. Hunter Poon, I barely know her Poon. Anyway, a six-pack of Bud Light should not cost $10. It's so long. He's just talking to the grocery store. He's like, yeah, if that costs $10, then I have 15 dads.

Yeah, sure. I have 15 dads and a gadget dad, and one of them is an AI created by gadget dad. Yeah. Anyway, I'll take my beer and hold on. Dad's a symbol And by the way They're not just dads They're dad in laws

And then he walks out of the store And you might want to watch out for Hitman Dad Red Dot appears They're not dads They're just They're my brothers Yeah they're more than dads First it was dads

They're more like my brothers Now it's brothers Cheaper by the 15 dads and me Father by the brother Cheaper by the Bakers doesn't Cheaper by the Baker's doesn't Cheaper by the Baker dozen of dads. Well, if that ain't a dad's dozen, I don't know what it is. That's a daddy's

dozen. That's a daddy's dozen if I've ever seen one. Oh, all right. Oh, my God. I love having fun. Yeah. Me too. I love to have fun. I wish that my... It's one of the top ten things. Yeah. All right. I should be dad soon. All right. We can end now. I just said... Yeah, no, that was important to do. Very important to flesh out. Had to explain the dads. All right. Bye boys. The Council of Dads.

That's what it's about. See ya. All right, bye.