Podcast About List - UNLOCKED: Premium #59: Yule Team Six (w. Felix and Thomas)

Episode Date: January 27, 2021

It's Christmas in Janurary :) When a mean green threat returns to try to ruin Christmas, Sergeant Jack Frost is forced to get Yule Team Six back together. Lieutenant Klargon, The Zohan, Soldier's Wrath, Crispin "Crisp" Rhatt, and Vladimir Muhammad Afghanistan must go behind enemy lines to save the holidays once and for all. That's right: The Grinch is back. And this time, he's going to fuck the presents. A surprise one-off D&D adventure for Christmas (and for the 2nd anniversary of Podcast About List)! Thanks so much for sticking with us guys you're the best. Plus your gay. Happy holidays

Exterior, Duluth, Minnesota, Duluth Mega Mall day. The scene opens up on an establishing shot of the Duluth Mega Mall. Text on screen reads December 23rd, 1255 p.m. Cut to, Interior, Duluth Mega Mall, same time. In the mall, every inch is filled to the brim with Christmas decorations, holiday music is lazily, spilling out of different stores. Children, smiling and laughing, munching on food court goodies. The centerpiece of the mall's holiday cheer could be found by the life-size,

hungry hamster nativity scene, where the 14th annual Mall Santa wet t-shirt contest is just about to kick off. The crowd is packed around the contest stage, upon which an announcer bellows about the beauty and sex appeal of seven of the nastiest, sluttiest, fattest, ugliest, and hottest mall Santas in the city. And out sir. And here are your gorgeous Mal Santa. Look at those Satan Nicks.

Ouchy, mama, ladies and germs, sensational. The camera lovingly pans over the Rubin-esque bodies of these fine Santas who pose seductively on stage for the crowd of onlookers and ho-ho-ho-ho-it-up

by doing twerks and a sexy dance like a super-sexy, sexy dance, and one of them is stuffing pennies under his foreskin. Above them is a giant pig trough filled to the brim with eggnach, attached to a candy cane-colored string that, when pulled, will drench these Santas

in that egg knot. Also present are a group of handsome, strong, tough, buff men that seems strategically and tactically staggered among the crowd in order to blend in with the civilians. As the announcer continues vamping, the camera punches in on one member of the crowd in particular. Sergeant Jack Frost, with his awesome blue hair and kind of blue face, dressed head to toe in regular clothes,

an MK16 scar, 12 Apostle Bandelier, and Kevlar vest, easily blending in with the crowd. He puts his finger to his earpiece. Yucon. Any sign of the HVT? Over intercom, we hear a barking prospector's voice. That bears a negative, JF. We cut to Lieutenant Yukon, Cornelius, a nine-foot-tall beast of a man wearing Oakley's,

and a t-shirt that says, this isn't a beer belly. It's a fuel tank for a sex machine, and nothing else. He's standing right in front of a mall directory nearby, completely blocking an elderly woman's view. Insert's been clean since the R-O-N took point last night. Okay, stay frosty, Yukon. If you get a whiff of him, greased a fucker where he stands. Amen, Sergeant!

Yukon begins absent-mindedly licking his gun as the old woman slinks away. You cut back to the wet t-shirt contest. Now, who wants to get these Santas? Who wants to see them get wet? The crowd erupts. The thunderous cheer like the Beatles. All right, so we have a very special contest winner this year that we'll get a chance to dredge these Santas in that sticky,

icky, nog. This young man was the one-millionth customer at the Duluth Mega Mall Biglots, making him our dunk-a-roo of the year. Come on out, Sullivan the frog. A meek, dapper little frog wiles up to the stage and smiles sheepishly at the crowd. Sullivan, are you ready? As ready as I'll ever be, I suppose. That's the spirit.

Okay, Sullivan, pull that string! The crowd starts chanting, pull that string, pull that string, is the Santa's mug for everyone, twisting their tiny, hard nipples and gaping. Sullivan reaches for the string, but he's a tad short. He's swatting at it. Finally, he jumps up and yanks his string. Everything slows down. to bullet time speeds we hear nothing but a steady heartbeat and cut to the santas pushing their hairy

tits together and making kissy faces cut to the milky egg knocks sloshing around in the trough above cut to sullivan the frog feet dangling as he haplessly pulls on the candy king string cut to the crowd screaming like wild apes cut to the announcer dramatically gesturing to the scene and finally cut to to sergeant jack frost his face ever focused ever stern we punch it on his eyes as they scan the scene we cut to his point of view we glance over the crowd then back to jack's eyes back to the crowd What's that? That man there in the bomber jacket. Cut to Jack's eyes.

Cut to the eggnog. About to spill over the Sanas. Cut to that man. Who is that? Is that a tuft of green hair? Back to the Santa's. To the eggnog. About to land on them.

To the tuft of green hair. Poking from a man's black beanie. Cut to Jack's eyes widening. Look out. But it's too late. It was over the second Sullivan pulled the string. Splash goes the eggnog. Click goes something else.

Boom. Time resumes. The stores in the mall all explode one by one in a row. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom. The stage two. Boom. Out shoots fire and rotten eggs and slime.

Yuck. Destroying the beautiful holiday displays across the mall and killing hundreds. Chaos in the crowd outside the contest. The Santa's maimed beyond belief. The eggnog stinging their wounds. Sullivan turned to a green paste. The hungry hamster nativity scene covered in blood and viscera. The hungry hamster model in Jesus's major.

Its head blown off. Jack gets up from being knocked by the force of the explosion, but his target has already dashed away halfway across the mall, addressing his team. Red Alpha, get on my 9-6. and take point to Dago, Blue, take Charlie to Guinea and meet red on Wop, insert South. Yukon, you're with me, move, move, move. Meanwhile, the Sing-Songy baritone of the Grinch theme croons eerily throughout the mall

as our heroes sprints through the catastrophe, the injured and dead littering the floor as they try to catch up to their target. You're a mean one indeed, Mr. Grinch, Frost, thanks. All three teams finally meet at the front of the mall and charge through the front doors together. Exterior, Duluth, Mega Mall day. The Speck Ops Holiday Unit piles out their scars ready, scanning the horizon for that cackling bastard. Frost, knowing better, looks up. With his beanie gone, his full green nudity revealed and his awful terrible smile haunting his face. The Grinch flies with his Hello Kitty backpack

helicopter, some 1,000 feet in the air carrying a massive sack of presence for good little boys and girls. Maybe next time, Jack Frost. Jack stares at the sky, lowering his scar, completely defeated. Suddenly, cablam, something in the sky explodes. The troops cover their eyes from the bright light of the fiery explosion, only to look up a moment later. to see the final insult to injury. Spelt out clear as day in rotten, stinky, lump of coal, black smoke. It reads, this time I'm going to fuck the presence.

Jack, what are we going to do? Says Yukon. I need to get the team back together. Cut two, main titles. You'll team six. Wow. Beautiful. Christ, dude.

You really outdone yourself on this one. Hope so. so now we're exterior Ethiopia's Danakil Depression Day the scorching sun beats down the horrible salted sulfuric ground of the Danikil Depression in northern a far region of Ethiopia Did I pronounce that right?

There's no way to know The most uninhabitable place on earth A collision of tectonic plates Creating deadly sulfuric hot springs Depression is surrounded by volcanoes And is literally the hottest place on earth Their forms of bacteria found in Ethiopia's Danikil Depression that exists nowhere else on earth

It's been used to study how life may form on other planets, like Mars or other Mars. The irony is, some paleontologists believe that depression would be the cradle of civilization. Maybe that's why the world's greatest killer, Soldier's Wrath, has retired here. Sergeant Jack Frost saunter's up to his cave where he lay, where he's, you know, he's there. Soldier, Soldier's wrath. Are you here? Oh, I'm here. Why don't you tell me a little bit about Soldier's wrath?

Okay. I've gone by many names in my lifetime. Darkness, the destroyer, the Shinjuku Master Lord, the wickedly evil demon. But now folks just call me Soldier's wrath. I can be found wherever there's conflict, a menacing mercenary bringing death to all who oppose my employers. On the lower half of my face, I have a Bain mask, and on the upper half I have splinter cell goggles, with snake plighter cliskin eyepatches over two of the lenses. I have the cape of Todd McFarlane's spawn and the strategic mind of Seth McFarlane Stewie. I'm wearing Morpheus sunglasses and my boots have

spikes on the bottom like the scary guy from the SpongeBob movie and I have BobaFet chest armor with a Mario color scheme and I'm wearing Hulk shorts. I have the knuckle tattoos from Night of the Hunter but instead of love it says hate and instead of hate it says tactical. The last thing my enemies ever see is my machine gun which is named destiny's fate and it shoots bullets which are named insanity's predilection so yeah soldier's wrath uh jack frost uh get tries to begin the conversation again soldiers wrath it's gonna be it's gonna be tough i think we're also both gonna sound like this it seems like we both sort of never mind we need you america need you the world

needs you. Christmas needs you. The Grinch is back. I thought this might happen. You really? Okay. Tell me just one thing, Frost. Is there going to be killing? Oh, is there going to be killing? I go, yuppie! I run up to him. Okay, yeah. The Soldier's wrath piles in the helicopter. It's very easy to recruit him. And he just, Joy's on. Now, we cut two. Outside a... No, no, that's a different. Interior, Tel Aviv Nightclub. Heat is emanating from the sexual grind dancing that is happening in Club Shalom. We're Gentiles and goys alike. Are those the same? Or is it... Those are the same thing.

They're the same thing. I didn't look it up after I wrote it. Well, this is what's called an unreliable narrator. oh my god yeah well at least i got fact checked in real time it's four pinocchio's for me um oh i can boogie their buggy like their bubby did 1945 that's after the holocaust i'm pretty sure in this hop in tel aviv nightclub everything is kosher but no one is more kosher which to me i think is cool uh means cool probably than the zohan and no one messes with the zohan if you remember the movies as well as i do you'll know that for sure zohan is the headlong liner at Club Shalom tonight, and is playing one of his hit songs for a crowd of

IDF soldiers, the Gaza Strip Tees. I don't remember if Zohan played music in the movie. I know he cut hair, but for some reason I also thought he was a DJ or something. I don't know. Maybe I'm confusing him with another Israeli character. Maybe in Israeli I've met before. Anyway, Jack Frost is not one for the heat of the dance floor. He's usually waiting for girls to notice him, and then Blammo, he has sex with their

bodies, but this time he's going to go up to Zohan while he's doing a set so uh uh these is a club music playing it's bump in and zohan is a dj in this world and jack frost is trying to yell over the music to you uh zohan uh it's it's cascade uh every time we touch yeah zohan zoan can you hear me yes hello it's johan oh all right did you turn thanks for turning the music down no problem anything for my friend Zohan, can we talk somewhere more private? There's a lot of soldiers here. Yeah, of course.

And then I stepped six feet to the right. Okay. So on. I have Soldier's Wrath with me here. Oh, hey, Soldier's Wrath. What's up? We need to, why did I start doing the accent? We need to get the team back together.

It's infectious, baby. We need to get the team back together. The Yule Team 6. The Grinch is back. He's going to fuck the presents this time. That's actually not a bad idea. No, he's going to broadcast it to the whole world and destroy the holiday spirit. No.

Fucking the presents. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Do you want to join? Sure, you know, I have nothing going on tonight. This has been so much easier than I thought it was going to be. I had all these plans. Fuck you.

What are you implying by saying something like this? No, it's a good thing. It's a good thing that it's easier than I thought it was going to be. Oh, okay, yeah, let's party. Okay. And we cut to outside a bar in Jalalabad. Jalalabad is in Afghani city. I definitely don't want to try to think about what I don't know anything about that.

It just thought the name was cool. But anyway, we're outside a bar in Jalalabad with the two guys we have in Sergeant Frost. And we see old Vladimir-Mohamaid Afghanistan. And why don't you tell me a little bit about who Vladimir Muhammad Afghanistan is, Thomas? Hello. My name is Vladimir Mohammed Afghanistan. And I am from Afghanistan originally forever, actually, never even moved here, always lived here. That's sort of my thing.

my family is also from here and they didn't come here during the russian afghani war i don't know why people always say that but uh i live here normally in a traditional ifgeny way i have very much uh combat's experience but i am terrible at it i am not much of help. Why are you standing outside the pussy hound bar in Jalalabad tonight? My family lives here. Outside the park. No, in Afghanistan.

Okay. No, I would be anywhere else as I am from here, Afghanistan. Any other questions? No. No, now it's back to, I'm Sergeant. Jack Frost. Do you remember me? And do you remember Zohan in Soldier's Wrath? Oh,

Oh, Zohan? Hey, Rod. Oh, okay. And then the Zohan and my old friend. We go way back. Several months. Several months ago. when we first killed the Grinch.

Well, he's back. No, he was dead. Oh, yeah. Everyone's had the same reaction. He couldn't believe it either. Yeah. Well, you actually said that you knew that this would happen. I still, I couldn't believe it.

Wait until you hear what he's doing with the presence. He's trying to fuck the presence. You, I was going to say, you kind of stole my thing. Oh, okay. Sorry, I thought you were, I thought you were, never mind. No, no, go ahead. you're always the boss no well no no I don't want to that's not the dynamic I want for us man come on okay look we could we could all hang out right we're all we're all in the same team right

so on yeah man sure he's grinch you speak of yes where is from he well um is he from a country nearby yes actually he's from whobekistan Uzstan Yes Bekistan which is bordered by Iran Iraq Saudi Arabia and Kuwait

Okay I mean I don't know anything about But I thought you were from Afghanistan Which is you know I'm from the Middle East Afghanistan So you only know

Okay You only know about Afghanistan I only know my home Home village Okay What was that village called again? Yes Afghanistan.

Okay, good. It's like Mexico City. Right, now I'm picking up on it. Yeah. Before I was like, that's weird. But then I was like, there are a lot of cities like that. Yeah, like Oklahoma City, sort of, you know. Mexico's, you know, Canada City.

Yeah, it's kind of like Mexico City. Like, Texas City, you know. Vlad, we need you. We need you now. More than ever to take out the gridge. will you come with us Okay Okay good

All right Yeah I'm gonna We're now we're somewhere else Exterior An Arbor Michigan Hype houses come and go But the go blue house never dies Here's where superstar Lieutenant Clarkon has been chilling

Since it was a halfway house For Ann Arbor Rich Kids Who got addicted the pills Clarkin manages the house All the influencers in it Through hard work dedication And creating 15 separate fan account to hype him up one for each race he says cargan is a talented warrior in his own right

with his insanely stupid and impractical bolt action rifle there isn't anything he can't do sergeant jack frost with his team knocks on the door the go blue house gargon identify yourself or you are going you like right now right now like by knocking on my door you are telling me you don't care like my family doesn't live here they live somewhere else they actually live like Auburn Hills actually like they just moved there I haven't been by there

there was like a whole fucking thing would happen where like I didn't clean the grill and it's like I helped pick out the grill I would like way to get the fucking new house off on a bad foot like well yeah I'm gonna clean the grill I told you what fucking grill to buy

but anyway like if my family was here and they opened the door and you were like a type of criminal that would shoot them right how the fuck like kill me every day all day anytime anyway I'm following you yeah go on

um like you have a lot of fucking balls coming to my house when you could potentially could be a BTK look Clark on I know the Grinch mission didn't end well but I got the team back together

we need to fight the Grinch again we need you we need your bolt action rifle yeah honestly like I have a lot of like PCD and all types of stuff from the last mission and it's like I would never be the type of guy who goes out there in the world and

fucking talks about like oh you know this problem about that problem I you know feel bad for me it's I'm not responsible for what I do but like honestly since that mission I cannot tell right from wrong and it's responsible it's the reason why I've

done so many bad things since then right um Largon he's gonna fuck the presence this time and wait till you hear what he's doing? Oh, fuck, you stole it up. Honestly, I got to say, I'm the last person who I ever thought would hear myself saying this.

But one man's terrorist is another man's soldier. I'm asking you to be a terrorist for us. I mean, or a soldier. I'm actually a little confused now. I'm sorry. Which ever you want to be, you can be that. Yeah, honestly, I never thought. about it that way um i'll do it on like one condition name it let me say goodbye to these people

at this influencer house who have been like basically my family my real family okay ever since the mission yeah who's in the house with you yeah yeah we got we got my boy we got my boy fucking chadster jake yeah what's up yeah oh shit there's two of us we're twins no you're chatster i'm jake what's And my girl, like, I never thought they'd be a girl in this influence her house, but honestly, she's been like, she shows that, like, women, like, at least half the time can be the same as men. Clarissa, Clarissa Smokkers. Hey. So, I know for a fact that I'm the most important person in all of your lives. I don't know.

until this moment I didn't know if you were the most important people in mine but sometimes to be someone who's important in someone else's life to be who they meant to be for you you've got to be who they are for them and sometimes the you know they say like if you love something abandoned it and that's what I'm doing right now right stay clean like don't take pills you find on the floor only take them if a doctor or someone who got them from a doctor took them right and can verify it for you and just like be yourself i love i love you guys um if i if i if i die on this mission please tell my family it was their fault we'll do dude honestly yeah you're the realist fucker ever dude and honestly i know i don't know what we would have what we would do without you but you know i guess your life would probably be pretty bad yeah whatever yeah Jake, I will remember you, I will remember your life forever. Keep doing whippets. You don't want to go, you don't want to go back to weed with the earth. It's such a headache. Just, well, that's whip it withdrawal.

So they take Jake out back and give him more whippets so that he can feel better. And we cut to the San Francisco Zoo Day with this whole squad rolling up. The San Francisco Zoo, it's one of the two cities that will be left in 50 years. The Zuckerberg Zoo for Wipo is an exotic place, meant to showcase how Wipo be kind of suss. That's right. It's a zoo for the whites and the Straits who are not okay. One of the most famous exhibits is one that holds Crispin, Chris. Barat, a legendary Grenadier, and member of Sergeant Jack Frost's old Yule Team 6.

To get into the zoo, you have to give them a tweet you made in 2009 to hold this collateral. They'll be returned to you upon leaving. So Jack Frost did so. Did you guys give them a tweet from 2009? No, I would like to pull out my claim that I'm 25% Cherokee right now. I'm going to the zoo. Well, Doug, do you have any paperwork to prove it? or, uh, just whatever.

Yeah, do I have any paperwork? You realize that like paperwork, like literally no one needed paperwork before Chris? Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so you're absolutely right. I'm stupid. Stupid. Yeah. Consider yourself held accountable, you dumb fucking pussy. Oh my God. Wow. Okay. Yeah. And that guy just like pulls on a lever and he just falls through the earth immediately after that conversation.

I make a paper airplane out of my Kyle Kowlinski tweet and just ended the ether. yeah and uh soldier's wrath did you just not even have a twitter i i just i give him just a like a scrap of paper that i that i wrote on in 2009 that just says chinese food be tasting weird a f

and sign it with my name and the data my tweet is written in a language uh no one can understand unfortunately we we may never know but it gets me in whatever it is

don't worry about it you're so right it does and Cameron won't let me read mine so I have to just move on I guess so yeah so we go to the zoo we're going we're rolling up to to Sergeant Crisps Exhibit what's going on Patrick who's Sergeant Crisp I'm Sergeant Crisp I'm Sergeant Chris Pratt

uh i i love i i'm in the zoo because i love christ too much uh yeah so they saw it up to the exhibit where you're you're doing your thing what are you doing in your exhibit what do you i i am just i'm reenacting old episodes of parks and rec yeah you're just doing some fatty fall down some classic fatty fall down yeah yeah um can we see some bloopers i i have a blooper reel On a thumb drive, I can throw out. Yeah. Tolsi to veil. Okay.

Okay, roll out athletics check. What did you get? Eight? It just sort of like hits the side. Yeah, it's a plexiglass wall. Yeah. Yeah, I'm completely like in. So I did his classic trick of the USB drive through the plexiglass.

I have a question for Crisp. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What's up? So, like, you were on TV, like, did you, like, know? Oh, yeah, it was awesome. I loved being on TV. That's so sick.

Did you, did you, like, fucking know Dark Angel? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I knew Dark Angel. I knew we were on, uh, we did a bunch of Marvel stuff together. It was so cool. It was so awesome to do that with him. Yeah, I don't know. I'm, I'm going to talk to the group.

Uh, yeah, I don't know what the fuck, like this guy's whole thing is. I think he's like it. I think he's like a Baptist version of the World Books. Yeah, no, I love Christ. I love God, and I love Christ. And I used to have a youth minister. And before I got sent into the zoo, I, you know, I used to go to church every day. And I, you know.

Chris, do you love God? You love this zoo. Look, anything you can say to get me out of here, I'll do it. I don't care. Do you love the United States? No, shut the shut. You don't even want me to do all the thing. I've honestly talked so much.

That's fair. Let's go. So, yeah, we get Chris Pratt out of the White People Zoo after signing some paperwork. I slam my head against the plexiglass until there's a crack. And, yeah, you guys, you guys, the team is back together. My voice is cracking. And we are now, so the team now goes to the, uh, the, Sergeant Jack Frost brings you all to the Holiday HQ,

United States Secret Holiday HQ, which is underneath the senior frogs in Times Square. And after passing through multiple security checks, retinal and rectal scans, a ping test, two-factor authentication, you reach a final massive, like, crabby-paddy vault-sized door. And Jack Frost says the password is, ding, fries are done.

And the massive vault turns open. And you see a state-of-the-art, facility of all, you know, for all, you know, holiday activity, right? So it's vast and lush. It looks like a wonderland, but it also has like steel and metal and computers and holographic technology. Researchers are testing weapons, mind control devices. Santa's little helpers are there too. They're helping, you know, working on shit. There's a sick bay for anyone who loses the holiday spirit. There's a rec room filled with Christmas cookies and a giant glossy ham for each of you.

The first thing I do is I go over, I run over. I have not eaten real food. I've eaten pellets and whenever the fuck I was thrown into that zoo. Yeah, you just eat two hams. Like, you don't even eat, you eat somebody else's ham too. Oh, this is awesome. It tastes just like Bacon's cousin. I see him eating hams and I just go, huh, cute.

And then there's also, of course, the holiday deck, which is where any battle simulations can be played out in real time. um everything that happens in there uh even if it seems like an illusion your brain will believe it so uh jack frost sort of gestures to you all but it feels like home fellas or anything feels better than where i was no um i'd like to know if there's any um opana or perhaps t-shirts that have opana residue that i could lick off here uh there might be in the changing room area before we go to the holiday dick if you want that i don't really i'm cleaning sober for yeah no but i you're trying to look out

for it to make sure you don't like it. Yeah. The holiday deck is that what we're calling it now? All right. Let's get you guys debriefed. Cortana. And Cortana appears in front of you and she's wearing a sexy Christmas outfit. She says, happy holiday, Sergeant Frost.

What do you need? I need a hand job. I guess I didn't finish writing that. I just kidding. Let's debrief the team here on Operation Tokyo Melanoma. And Kretana pulls up a hologram. It presents a mission, briefing information with maps, video clips, audio. She presents it like Van der White.

Jack Frost says, you know your target by now. It's the Grinch. We thought he was done when Zohan threw him in the volcano in Portugal. But it seems like he lived. We have ample reason to believe he carried out the terrorist attack and dealing with Megamol, and he's going to strike again before Christmas Day. I told you, he's going to fuck the presents. He's also captured Santa's normal Santa, Jewish Santa and Black Santa,

and he's captured all of them, and now there will be no presents delivered. If he got Black Santa, like, I started the Black Lives protest in Ann Arbor. I started the fucking Ann Arbor chapter of Black guys. and are you are you saying there are black people no it's more like okay so there's in the world there's a lot of societies and in those societies there's this thing called police uh police mutality

and uh it's basically like i was i just had seen enough i was like let's end it oh respect respect thank you um so like we got to get black santa back especially. Especially Black Santa. Agreed. Now that there's like a black guy's friend in the Oval Office, it's like more important than ever.

Oh, couldn't agree more, Clarkon. Yeah, Mel Gibson's the president. Our sources tell us the Grinch is held up in Uzbekistan and in the capital city of Houdadad. Another one of our sources, a double agent who came to our side, claims they know exactly where the Grinch is

Bah-Humbug Fortress is located. You'll be dropping in the candy cane forest outside of the city. You'll be met with resistance fighters, gumdrop mines, missile toes, and things we can't even predict. If you move quickly, it'll take you about half a day to get in the city. We can't drop you any closer. I don't want you to get caught. You'll be assuming new identities once you're there. And then you're going to go to a safe house in South Houdadad.

My contact, Charlie Brown, he owns the place. He'll let you in for the mission. He's a civilian, so it'll make too much trouble for him. When you reach his house, he'll greet you outside. He'll say, one, cut a hole in the box. You'll say two, put your junk in that box. Then he'll say, three, make her open the box. And then together you'll say, and that's the way we do it.

It's my dick in the box. That way he'll know it's you for sure. Once you're settled in there, you'll put on your disguises and meet our special friend, the double agent, co-named Rudolph at the Jolly Bees Bar and Grill in the center of Houdadad. He'll give you the location and the blueprints of the Bahamook Fortress. after that you'll storm the fortress

and you'll do whatever you you know you'll kill the Grinch probably any questions yeah can you repeat all that okay I'm genuinely running out of gravel in my voice and it's my own fault I didn't know there was a finite amount until now

which part do you want me to repeat the whole thing the whole thing you know what I can do here I got a PDF just Do you have a phone? No. I can air drop.

They took my phone in the zoo. Okay. Well, I'll get something printed out for you later. Okay. Does anybody else have any questions about this mission? Can you repeat that thing about the PDS? Hold on. Anybody else have any questions about this mission.

Yeah, what? Can you repeat that last thing? You weren't in the same person. You know that, right? Chris. Huh? Okay. So we're going to, in 0-100 hours,

we're going to commence training at the holiday deck. So get suited up. Say hello to old friends. I trust you all to remember where your old gear is. Let's get to work. You're free to roam, the headquarters. And then we'll just meet up at the holiday deck. You'll do a training session.

I started doing P90X. You see a few people start to join in with you. They're like, oh, sick, it's the Zohan. And they start doing this P90X behind you. You're like leading it. I go to the bathroom. okay yeah you find that pretty easily what are you doing there um first thing i do is clog the toilet i haven't used a real toilet in years and just the just the just the act of wiping

excites me too much i'm sharp i'm sharpening my bullets using like a cool stone down crisscross applesauce in the middle of the floor and put my head in my hands hoping that a girl will notice I just keep offering a dowry to like any woman who walks in you guys all harass somebody in some way for the remainder

of your time and you get some Christmas hands and some cookies and you guys show up to the holiday deck there's water overflowing out of the toilet I'm laying in it And I'm doing like snow angels I'm re-baptizing myself

The water is flowing and you literally like End up swimming it You're like just floating Floating you down to the holiday It's like it's like shape of water Where she fills up the bathroom with the water And you guys entered the holiday deck And Jack Frost sort of talks you over intercom

He says we need to make sure you guys are all up to snuff it's been so long since you've been in combat about a few months I guess the holiday deck has improved quite a bit so Cortano load up Fred Clause and you see right away just a perfect Fred Clause shows up in front of you guys I shoot him

okay yeah roll and attack roll okay that hits okay oh no it's not oh wait yeah I forgot for Destiny's fate it's just like a deck save so he has to make a deck save so he has yeah he gets He dies.

You just tear it to the club. He's just... So you see... And I did say, huh, cute. You see, yeah, he's just going like, yeah, I don't know what about it. However, Vince Vaughn sounds. It's so hard.

I tried to learn an impression. It's not possible. To have a certain quality. Vince Vaughn's libertarian, right? Yeah. I think he's something like that. The age of consent is bullshit. Yeah.

Yeah. And he says that, and then he gets completely lit up by your mini guns. And you see Jack Frost go, not bad. now what do you think of this and he loads up 15 uh fred clauses in front of all of you and uh everyone's gonna roll for initiative for this first test so yeah yeah so 15 fred clauses show up in front of you and they're like they're being obnoxious about something and i never saw that movie so and uh what happens in it patrick you look uh Fred clause is paul giamati santa's brother man there is must have been

better way to construct that idea I think it was fine that was good yeah Cameron you're going to go first there's 15 Fred Clause is in front of you they're about 60 feet away as far as in hollow deck space I mean holiday deck space

and yeah that's that's what I'll say so what do you want to do I'm just going to start unloading my damn mini gun at him Yeah, yeah, without Destiny's fate. Okay, let's roll for them. So, yeah, you're going to be able to hit probably about seven of them with this. So they're going to just try to roll a dexter.

I'm just going to roll for like seven dextros and just see how many get caught. Wow, they, how do you kill all? You kill seven of them. Yeah, I just, I kill seven of them, but I only shoot seven bullets from the mini gun. I started to shoot it for like half a second and they just like puff away okay yeah there's eight left and they're just like

they look even though they're computer programs they look terrified suddenly and Jack Frost is like it looks like I got to turn it up a notch and he cranked some meter that says Vaughn's on it and he cranks the Vaughn's number up to and now you see 50 Vince Vaughn's in front of you

and now it is your turn is your turn a Zohan Dude, I'm going to use my ninja star of David. Okay, yeah, you got a 13. So that hits whoever you're aiming at. Which one are you aiming at? And the sea of Vince Vaughn's.

Is there one in particular you don't like? Are any of them, are they per chance, like, lined up all in a row so that maybe there's a possibility that the star goes straight through a bunch of them? You know what? I'll have you do. Roll, uh, hmm. please roll roll i i'm trying to think roll athletics on top of that to see if you could do this uh athletic maneuver is what i'd call it all right you get it in one still and just roll for damage now hit ninja yeah because it's too low yeah i mean you still basically like you you get it in one in the

head and you blight eight like five more on fire they're not dead but they're all they're like melting but the one you hit in the head is just dead um uh and uh you have another attack too, so if you want to throw the start. Okay. Now I'm going to use my Krav Maga. Yeah, okay. You run up to them. Yeah, that's going to hit whichever one you're aiming at. What kind of moves you want to do on them? Krav Maga is...

It's like you kick them in the balls. It's like karate and ballet, right? So I'll do like a... What? Yeah, something like that. I'll do like a plie into like a jumping double... That's not what Krav Maga is? Yeah, it's like half ballet, half kung fu.

I'll do like, uh, I'll do like, uh, yeah, I, I, I, I am serious. I would know I had to reach this character. I don't know. Actually, just for swag points, I, I, uh, because I'm the Zohan, I'm very skilled. Yes. I, I, I, I build a, uh, I build a small sort of like sheet rock wall in front of the guy that I'm attacking and then I kick through that into his face and I, I probably kill him. and stuff like while you're building the sheet rock wall the Vince Vaughn it's just like what is going on i don't even know what's going on over here's yeah he's yeah he's incredulous as always yeah he's just yeah yeah yeah and you just punch through it yeah well i kick through it nice try

so somebody doesn't know what crab maga is i guess you're right yeah you fucking uh dead dead that one immediately um now it's the Vince Vaughn's turns and they're gonna try to swarm you uh Zohans that you're up on them um let's see how they do okay yeah a few of them do get some land some punches on you uh you take uh these vans are pretty weak you take three damage that's it from the punches um and and it's just like a few of them just like jumping on you and just and doing their their kind of uh yeah incredulous improv that vons do and uh now it is uh yeah it's your turn um uh oh wait shit no thomas got a name oh no it's not it's sorry it's Patrick.

So, Chris. Fucking pick who's turn to this. Yes, make a decision, man. This is the most unprofessional thing I've ever been in place. What do you do, Chris? All right. So they're all, I mean, known Vince Vaughn. He's probably distracted right now talking to the other Vince Vaughn's.

Yeah. They're all agreeing with each other about their views. You were so good in Dodgeball. They're saying that in a loop to each other. So good and done Hey, you were so good at dog That remake of Psycho underrated Underrated

Yeah So while there's like a group of them together I'm going to throw What's this blinded by Is that a flashbang? Yeah, it's a flashbang Then I'm going to throw the Molotov Slushy at them

Yeah, go for it Yeah, that fucking That hits them And Wow shit You're going to do a lot of damage to them Yeah Okay, yeah

It was just a bad roll. But you still, like, get slushy on, like, 10 of them, and they also now can't move. Like, they're fucking, like, frozen from the slushy explosion. Oh, that's not, right. Yeah, okay. All right. Then, if I have another attack, I'll just go Tommy Boy gun while they're frozen.

Yeah, do it. Yeah, that's a crit. Roll for damage. 7-11. Yeah, you just killed... There we go. Yeah, that's beautiful. You just killed, like, 16 of them.

How do you do it? Very carefully. Yeah. Okay, great. And Thomas, you're up. Let's see. I've got this terrible AK-47, and I've got this, I've got a character carved into it,

and I say it's Arabic for joy, but it's clearly like maybe Chinese. And I'm just going to pull that out and start spraying. Yeah, do it. It might jam, but we'll see. Yeah, that hits for sure. Yeah, you did one of the ones that were, that were like that was fucked up with by the slushy and you could attack again too if you want to attack again or if i'll probably do some of my traditional afghanian martial arts

which involves uh yeah what does that involve it's a good question pretty much what you'd expect okay you know because say no more yeah yeah it sounds clear to me yeah um it's it's like how you'd react if you just like were attacked by like a medium-sized dog. You know, it's just like a, there's just some throws, and then I've got a, I may or may not have a turban on, depending on whether that's what it's been a slide. And if I do, which maybe I don't, then maybe I sort of whip with that.

Like I have a little hook on the end of it. Right. I can pretty much do whatever I want. Afghani way of life. Yeah. Do that. So I probably do that like a million times. Yeah.

I forgot to put that in there, but you could do that a million times, but you're right. Yeah, I'll probably do it a million times. Yeah, I'll roll for that. Yeah, roll for it. Hey, maybe it will. Okay. Hey, do you want. Yeah.

Yeah, it doesn't hit. It's a seven. It doesn't really have a lot closer than some people think. And Clark God. You're out. All right. um so like i don't want to use my bolt action um it's fond is obviously very important to clargon right um like got got me through a lot of tough times so i'm gonna take out my scar

and um i uh i lie down on my back but like i sort of like put my i it's like you have your head too propped up on a pillow yeah and it's actually hurts it actually hurts my windpipe but in my mind I think that's the most accurate way to shoot a gun so I just sort of I try to line them up yeah you look like your tummy's full after a big a big Thanksgiving meal

yeah yeah um and I I have something to say to Vince Vaughn and it is hey you may have done the breakup but now we're breaking up

that's my favorite that's Clark Gond's favorite movie movie I don't know what you're talking about you know, the breakup, I don't even see that movie in the U.S. They're just vamping. They don't know. They're AI. They're hurt, but they don't know why. I feel like I'm getting blown

off and it makes me really, really mad. So I'm just going to start firing. Yeah. Rolling. Nice. That's a critical one. I'm so, my aim is so fucking good. Start going like,

like, shooting up. you managed to catch one of them but like you catch one of them in the shoulder somehow but yeah otherwise just I instantly turn to the group in any theoretical girls you know honestly I probably have the most bodies in every sense of the word in any war I've ever been in but you don't really feel PSD or OTSD

or ODST until you fucking have to fire on someone who is once a friend as is Vince Vaughn and the Jack Frost you see him he's like he's like all right this is all right I already see how tough you guys are I'm going to turn up the Vaughn's meter more and he turns it up and you see like 500

Vince Vaughn's and then you see everything go completely dark and he's like and Cortana's like power off you know with whatever she says and the lights come back on

oh my god am I fucking dead all the Vince Fonds are looking at Dude, no, I see the fucking light At the end of the tunnel Oh my God Oh my God Wait God is E from Entourage

My favorite character of all time Finally I can go to hell Finally And all the Vince Vons have the Grinch face And they stare at you all blankly And then they make the creepy ass Grinch smile And you see Jack Frost

from behind the Plexiglass in the holiday deck. He's like, I don't know what's going on. This isn't in the simulation. Cortana, what's going on? Run diagnostics. And she said, I already did run diagnostics. You're right. This isn't in the simulation.

Hey, run it again. Okay. She starts running it again. Meanwhile, you see the Grinch's face as, well, it looks like the whole gang's back together. How do you know? Because I'm not. Because I'm looking at you.

Yeah, we could have an extra guy that you don't know about. There could be a new guy. We could have got a new guy. Oh, yeah, where is he? He's in the bathroom. You all said that at the same time. So that makes me really suspect. That just means it's more clue.

Honestly, the odds of everyone coming up with the same lie at once are very low in odds. And it's only happened to me two or three times in my life. I guess I'm thinking about it. I could see both sides of sort of what I'm saying. Look, I'm infiltrating your base to tell you to come and get it. You're never going to stop me. And I know you're coming for me. And I'm going to stop you when you try to come for me.

If you try, if you, listen to hear you fucking green cock sucker. Oh, shit. If you try to stop me when I'm stopping you to start what you started before you stop it. and I stop it when you start me? Well, you're going to be ending a whole new thing that you're going to be fucking starting. You can fucking tell anybody that. I will.

I'll tell my boss that. I mean, I'll tell him that you try to stop me from starting to stop on you. And that's when you're going to really feel it because that's what's going to happen after you start stopping me. We try to start doing that. That's when it's up.

Hey, you know what? You know what? That's fucking fine. All the creatures are saying is. All the Gritches are saying this at the same time, all 100 of them. All of you, all of you. I want you to remember this right now. Go for it.

I didn't start this, but, um, fuck. How does this usually go? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I didn't start this. But when it ends, I'll be the one that started that ending. Roll an intimidation check with advantage. You're right. That was cool.

You see the Grinch. You see beads of sweat on the Gritch's forehead. I've got something to do anyway, so. I think these AI Grinch has just peed. That's not real P. I'm seeing P. The holiday deck starts filling up with AI P. It's 100.

Just runs and zeros. It's not real P. Oh. Oh. I hate this. I hate this so much. I'm got to get out of here. I'm going to go lube up my penis to fuck the presents. To pee some more? No, that's not what

lube is for, I think. You're using P as lube? No, I'm not. Stop putting words in my mouth. It's totally fine if he does. Like, pee is sterile. I wouldn't do it, but hey, you know what? If it's recommended by my team, I might try it. I love you guys. It's not bad for you.

I love you, too. You're the realest fucking guy I've ever met in my life. You guys, you guys keep me down to earth. You guys keep me grounded. That's right. And then we're going to send some more people down to earth. Hell yeah.

When they're six feet under the ground in hell. I'm swimming around in the pee and I look back and I'm like, I can use this as thermal camouflage in case we run into a predator. The Grinch, the Grinch vanishes in shame at Clarkon's epic intimidation. And you see Jack Frost runs out and he says, sorry I didn't make the Grinch's voice that different. I'll work on that later.

But also, I'm really sorry about the Grinch infiltrating. That's not okay. It's sacred to train. Damn right. It's not. Zubeta. I am holding your shit accountable.

You know what? This is the second time that's happened to me today, and I'm learning. I'm growing and learning, and I have 10 more tweets about that in a second. But first... Hey, you should use tweetlonger.com. What's that? This is a great website that lets you tweet more than 140 characters. It's really great.

You should donate to them. Yeah, that's right, Zohan. How is that possible? More than 140 characters. How is that possible on Twitter.com? It just drops a link for you. Oh, my God. That's amazing.

Maybe I'll have to try it later when I apologize about something I said about hungry or something. It is, there's nothing better to use than Twit Longer for when you're accused of something you did not do. It used to be Pacebin, but now I don't know where that went. Too many people who were actually guilty used Pacea. But all the innocent people use TweetLonger. yeah that's why that's why some of our famous clients like harvey weinstein louis c k alan durshowitz david gaffin all have used whitlager can we not talk about allan dershowitz like he was like the godfather at my uh like confirmation

my jewish chari confirmation right okay he's he's a really good guy yeah like once you actually get to know him we'll take that out of the ad read i'm sorry about that he's he's just he's super he's super humble. He's a guy who helped me hide the Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. So harsh. So please, have some respect. God damn. Yeah, I heard he hid in Pharrell's hat.

That was so 2014. Chris, I wish I had a famed star cup I could give you. The extra of the cup, darling. So, yeah, it's time for the mission. So you guys all pile into the jet that's on top of Senior Frogs. And you fly for, you know, 15 or so hours to over Hubekistan, which again is between Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, and Kuwait somewhere. And you guys fly over it, and you start to see it's, you can see it's wintery cheer, even from way up where you are.

And you see Sergeant Jack Frost, he motions to you all now. It's been about 15 hours of flight, you know, and he says that game of monopoly we played was fun. But now it's time to drop out of the plane into the candy cane forest. Once you get there, get ready, because you're probably going to have to deal with some insurgent hooves who work for the Grinch. Are you guys ready to drop? No. Okay, we could circle a few more times. I'm like shaking like a junkie because it's the longest I've ever gone without having sex.

Look, we all offered to do something for you, Zohan, but you turned us down, so I don't know what to tell you, man. I just leap out of the plane instantly without saying anything. Okay. Everyone should jump. Everyone should jump now. Okay, I jump. I jumped, dude.

I don't even think about it. Were we supposed to roll athletics for that? Oh, you will. I got a 21. Oh, nice. Yeah, everybody roll athletics. but if I have a turban, I'm using it as a parachute. You have a huge turban.

You have the biggest turban, like a Ben Garrison cartoon, just like a huge turban. Well, for me, it's a normal-sized turban from my church. Oh, no, Caleb. So-Han. I got a crit one, did. What are we rolling here? Athletics.

Yeah, what are we rolling here? I think I clicked the wrong button or something. So, yeah, you all are dropping down air rushing past you as you fall through the sky. You know, the temperature starts to drop. I could get used to this all over again. And you start to see the massive candy cane trees coming into view. Chris Pratt, you fucking are, you've missed this so much. It's so much better than a zoo.

It's so much more freedom than you've ever had in a long time. This feels nothing like a cattle broad. I'll tell you that. You know, the 21, you're just like flipping around. you're doing all kinds of fucking sky tricks. It's a, it's a, do you remember the, the intro scene of this Power Rangers movie? Yes, yes, yes.

Dude, when higher ground is playing, kind of like jelly peppers, oh yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm doing that. I'm fucking, I'm on the, which one of them has the skateboard? Probably the pink one. Yeah, probably the, yeah. It's a very ugly piece of stereotyping.

True. It's my bad. I take it back. It's the black one. And so now it's time for, let's see what someone else is doing. It's, uh, fuck, what's his name? Oh, yeah, Soldier's Wrath, you're falling, it's perfect. This is all you know how to do is fight and kill.

Yeah, I say again slightly louder. Huh, I could get used to this all over again. And I look back up at the, my squad members. I heard you the first time. That's real cute. What? and uh hold on oh sorry uh thomas tell me this when i get down i can't hear anything there's so much wind i just i shake my head like and expect him to see it

are you mad at me i see you shaking your head okay me yeah i wanted to make sure you were good sorry you were just oh dude my mic hasn't been plugged in this whole time i've been on my headphones audio but it's fine there's no cable here oh no oh my god I'm so sorry I've been I noticed this light wasn't blinking

I was like oh no that explains like you're kind of quiet it doesn't explain your audio like a lot I did just like expect that Thomas would just not know how to

like set up his microphone and that's why it sounded so bad it's literally dude I literally just have to plug this cable into this. It's plugged into the computer. All right. Let's see it.

It's going to sound amazing, dude. Plug my cable in and see what happens. Madically. Oh my God. So much better. Really? You have to keep this in, Cameron, so that we can experience it together. Yeah, I'm so sorry.

No, it's a box, dude. It adds to the narrative. Yeah, absolutely. Every time I talked, it was like, y'all were struggling. hear me and I was like I'm right next to the microphone I don't get why I'm doing I'm my audio is great and then I look and it's not it's not plugged in that's like Thomas had a he he was trying to get like an ethernet cable ran up to his computer for like so long so that we can play games together and then he sent a picture of the back of his computer and a group chat

and he had a Wi-Fi card the entire time yeah it was like a seven month wait It was so long, too. Well, back to it, I guess. We are better equipped than ever. This is only a good thing, dude. We're like an hour and a half into this. Imagine if the opposite thing happened. Clark, on, you're killing it, falling from the sky.

This is easy for you. You've done this before. Yeah, I was born into a parachuting family. So this is really like whatever for me. Yeah. Yeah, like no problem, no problem. And, uh, uh, uh, uh, Afghanistan, uh, Mr. Afghanistan, uh, Vlad. Yeah, this has been, this is, this is, you do pretty well.

Uh, you, you basically, uh, you know, you're probably just getting your sea legs back a bit. It's been a while since you've dropped, um, do you know what I mean? And, uh, uh, uh, yeah, uh, yeah. Yes, I have landed, correct? Yeah, you're about to land. Yes, I plan on it. I think after this I will land on the ground. And Zohan, in a moment.

Zohan, you are just way too jittery from not fucking to do this right. Yeah, you're over the D-2s. Yeah, I'm just like screaming. Like, I don't even realize I have a parachute on. I think it's of Jansport. and I'm just free-falling and I hit the ground but my penis lands perfectly

in a hole in the ground. Yeah, yeah, and you you take, and you were fully healed by the way, but you're going to take two damage from just falling everybody else felt kind of perfectly. You guys all landed in the candy cane forest. Everything's sticky

and there's like the snow on the ground is like sugary power, And I need now, Zohan, I need you to roll a stealth check, though. Oh, my. You landed pretty hard. I did. Okay. 23.

So you hear some rustling in the woods, and you hear some people talking, but they don't notice you. And you all sort of, everybody roll a perception check now. Zohan with that 23 I mean you guys Zohan you you get a clear sense of where the insurges are you know exactly where they are

you can communicate that to your team members and you guys have a chance of I'd say with that crit you have a chance of everybody else rolled so low everybody else is not quite sure where anybody is but Zohan for some reason you know where everything

everyone is where all the insurgents are because his penis went into the ground so he can feel the vibration. Yeah, exactly. I also immediately came. Just the friction of my penis entering the ground made me come instantly. This planet is Zohan tree. Yeah.

Let's see if it goes. And, uh, yeah. But I'm also like, I'm also like, you guys, uh, go ahead. I'll stay here. You guys, I'll catch up with you later. And you could take point to Zohan now. So, uh, you can lead the group. through the woods if you want to.

Dude, I'll do it. Okay, cool. So what do you say to them? What are you guys putting on doing? You guys know there are insurgents around you. What's the strategy? Are they, do we like the insurgents or do we hate them so much?

You hate them. They're Grinch insurgents. It's just a catch-all word for something you're not supposed to like. I say, uh, follow me and then I start, I start swinging on the candy canes like monkey bars. Yeah, you guys follow them? No, I start licking the candy cane.

No, dude, no, you can lick them all the way. Okay, if I can lick them on, what if I swing by my tongue, which is just a normal size? Yeah, of course, yeah, no problem. Okay. I'll let you try, and you can roll an athletics check. Okay. Got an eight. Yeah, no, you just, you hurt your tones.

It hurts you. Ah, it's too spiky. It's a classic Christmas story joke. It got it. You say suck, suck, suck, suck. I said suck, I can't stack. I can't tag. I can't talk, I'm saying, it's so fun of it, and with that expert perception check,

though, Zohan, too, I'm going to give you all advantage on your stealth role, and you're going to have to together be stealthy enough to avoid dealing with insurgents, but because Zohan got that crit on knowing exactly where they are. Everybody roll a stealth role and you'll just take the highest number of the two. It is interesting to me that you made the only Jewish character

he has advantage in stealth and deception. I didn't, that's just because... I just find that interesting. That's the character of Zohan. He has a plate in finance. That is, well, but he only found his own business.

He's a business owner in the movie. The only character played by a Jewish person is awful at deception. That's a good point. But does it constantly. Well, you know, I'm just sort of figuring out what the right way to not get canceled is. So that's just, I'm just sort of fine-tuning that it's a science. We have Thomas with his turban, so we're all just sort of figuring it out together. We're all kind of working off that right now, as we're saying.

Yeah, that's the foundation. Yeah, Thomas is sort of the touchstone. Exactly. I'm texting Thomas tons of ideas throughout this. I'm just sending him lines from the boondocks, and I'm like, you should do this. It's the first hour and a half. My mic did work, but they blurred out the audio,

so you couldn't hear what I was saying. I'm like, oh, oh, now I can talk. This is cool. Okay, and so they're going to see if they hear you. Let's see. Chris Pratt, you are, you figured out you can't use your tongue right and so you've been just sort of swinging on the

candy cane vines but you see sort of a cluster of gum drop berries nearby and you just go ham on them and you stop what you're doing and you just go ham on them

okay and uh one insurgent here's some ferocious eating and turns to look over I'm going to give you one chance to do a stealth roll because it was very close. Oh, I rolled intimidation because I was intimidating the gumdrops, but... Do you want to intimidate the gumdrops?

I got a 16. They're incredibly scared. I thought, you know what? I thought because it's like a Christmas universe. I just want to explain my reasoning. I thought that because it's a Christmas universe that the gumdrops would have a personality like the fries at McDonald's land. So... Oh, God, geez.

okay all right thank you i needed to hear anytime i got a 19 for stealth okay cool yeah so the insurgent sort of wanders over and he's looking around it's a who and he's pointing his gun and uh you sort of crouch behind the bush of gum drops and you're still nibbling at them but he can't hear it he's just like he's just like meanwhile there's a gum drop just going oh he just comes over and he's like huh i guess the gun drop Gumdrops reading themselves again. Damn, damn gumdrops. And yeah, so you guys make it through,

avoiding the insurgents, avoiding an ensuing fight. And you guys make it a bit further now in the woods. So it's been a few more hours of you guys traversing the candy cane forest. And you come across what looks like a large Yeti. And you see it intimidating what looks to be

a group of local who's. And they're like, oh, please, don't eat us, Yeti, please. And the Yeti is just like, Rhaar. So you guys see that sort of in your periphery right now.

But it's up to you what you want to do. If you guys played the games, the Fallout games, there's a lot of moral. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's, yeah, or like, nice of the old Republic. Yeah.

yeah right all right um so my reading on it is like i'm instantly like you know i see injustice i decided that's a new part of my personality last year i turned to the group this is the reason i joined blackwater in the first place to protect the weak from the strong we have to do something i join the yety's team what does everybody else do you guys want to do something with this i'm i'm in the bush just i'm going to town on these fucking gumdrops i see i yeah i see the opportunity to kill a big monster i just start going and running towards it okay yeah uh uh all right uh zohan are you gonna are you gonna

join the yeti he's frozen he's frozen it's this difficult question it's a very difficult question to answer yeah are you going to join yetie Vlad what about you how are you feeling I think I'll probably fall around the Zohan

because I'm trying to figure out what his deal is oh okay I'm back sorry I thought dude we thought you were just sitting entirely still I was like I was good at being still I didn't know you I was like it was pretty weird man

no I got I got I got it's very ear term yet again. So, are you joining the Yeti? Yeah, I joined the Yeti because he's kind of like

the stronger, bigger, bigger guy. And it's like the Hoos are kind of have it coming. Okay, yeah, so you guys square up on this scene.

Play this scene out for me. Like, you guys are now on opposing sides in this random Yeti. I'm on the Yeti's shoulders like he's my dad in Disney World.

And I'm kind of, I'm like pointing a different who's. Oh, no, why did that man? Why is that man on top of that Yeti now? I'm letting the Yeti borrow my turban. The Yeti loves it. He's wearing the turban.

He's flexing it and he looks good. He gives you a thumbs up. Am I all alone with the Yeti? Is it me for you guys? I grabbed the Yeti's leg and I'm trying to pull him over. He's too big, dude. Come on. Roll a strength check to see if you could do that.

All right. 18. Okay, yeah, you're able to start to get the Yeti a little bit. You pull them a little bit over. You're like, er, er, and Zohan is just,

you're just sort of on top, like kind of like trying to keep, maintain your ballads. The Who family dashes away at this point. What do you guys want to do? Because this could turn into a fight or you guys can, or you guys can dash away. You don't want the smoke and I just walk away.

Very slowly. You guys are, you guys walk a few more. hours. Now you're outside of Houdad, which is a major city of Hubekistan. And you can see sort of an entrance in there, off to the

side, you can walk through it into the city, and you guys can head south now to meet up with Charlie Brown. And you do. You walk down the way, you meet up with Charlie Brown. You see this yellow shirt wearing a bald, older

guy Oh, my God, this kid has leukemia. And I'm going to pray for you. And he says to you guys, oh, hi, one, you cut a hole in the box. And he's just sort of staring at you blankly. Your prayer goes very well with that religion check of 12. He might not have leukemia by the end of the session. There's a good chance.

And Charlie Rebs. Dear Lord Jesus, please let this kid with only three hairs on his head. please let him survive i'm i'm jumping in front of his prayer like a bullet he says he says uh one cut a hole in the bucks and i say yeah two nothing wrong with me that's basically close enough come on in and uh he let you guys into his home and uh he says thanks for coming by uh there's snacks i got snacks if you guys want any you see him he's just like kicking the ground and he keeps tripping Hey, Charlie, come here.

I got this football you can kick. Oh, all right. I do love the idea of doing that. And he goes, he runs over to try to kick the football. What do you do? I let him kick it. Oh, my God. His brain breaks.

He is comatose on the ground, smiling. You see a note on his chest that says, yeah, there are snacks at the fridge, make yourself at home. You guys can go in the basement. if you need to, I've got a PS3. I know if it's an older system,

but you know, it does me all right, so hopefully you guys can enjoy it, too. Oh, great. I got Kingdom Arts 2.5 remix. I shove Chris Pratt out of the way and take the disc for Dead or Live Beach Volleyball that I always have on me at any given time, and I am trying to shove it into the PS3 to make it work, even though it's an original Xbox game.

Yeah, what do the rest you guys do? you guys going to so so here's what's happening now you're now in the charlie brown safe house you're safe for now you can go to the bar now to meet with um rudolph quote unquote the contact um you can also bounce around who to dad you can do whatever but um uh now you're in the charlie brown safe house um so um i i take out my motorola razor and i press the pound button but upon closer inspection it's a star of david I make a quick phone call, and then the Xbox disc starts working on a PS3. And then we start playing Getter Alive. Amazing, yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah, you guys start playing PS3. You're hanging out. Time is approaching to meet up with the informant in the bar, in the Jolly Bees Bar and Grill. um so if you guys want to go over there or you can try to revive charlie brown who is now passed out on the ground from the excitement being to kick the ball i pull i pull out a thing of smelling salts from my carpenter pants pocket and uh i yeah yeah he goes yeah i pop a thing of smelling salts in his in his nose and he throws up yeah he throws up all over you and like uh just just he's like i'm so sorry i've never i've never i've never My foot has never felt anything like that before. This sucks.

I start wiping the vomit off of Chris Brett, and I start smearing it on myself to use for camouflage in case me better. What are he doing? It's called camouflage. You should learn a thing or two about war soldier. It would serve you well. we've fought so many wars with you what are you talking about oh I see you have a local here

and he gestures over to just over the Vlad and he says something to you in Afghani and uh take a shot Patches what's up no I'm not gonna you know what I mean what do you have to say he says something to you in perfect Afghani

What passa? Roll deception. Roll deception. Let's see. Roll the six, perfect. Yeah, he, uh, he, uh, he, uh, he, uh, he, uh, that must be, uh, that just must be a different dialect. He's, like, a little confused.

Well, you, you keep talking to me like this. I will, uh, kill you. I am from, uh, if, if, in this then. Where are you from? I mean, foolish dog. Oh, I'm from Hubekistan, which is... I will use your teeth to make maybe something made out of teeth like a knife or something like that. Well, that sounds right, intimidating enough for me to just back off this line of question.

Good, that's what I was going for. Now, I have information. for you guys about where the Jolly B bar and grill is and supposed to meet the Rudolph, your informant there. Now, if anybody ask you know, I'm just a civilian, so I'm just going to hang out here and I don't know

anything that's going on. And you know, I try to stay clear of anything the U.S. has been doing here, which God bless them, you know, we love every second of them being here. But, you know, you guys do what you got to do, all right? If you need any place to stay, you got

you got old Charlie Browns, and he tries to kick the air again, and he falls, and he gets back up. Oh, well, I guess it only happens once every once in a while, maybe. Eat this foolish child, this antics. And, yeah, you guys can head over to the Jollybee Bar and Gras for your wife. I spend like 15 minutes making fun of him for being bald. Yeah, and you guys go to the bar, the Jollybee Bar and Grill and who did Dad?

after, I guess, playing some dead or alive and having the stilted conversation with Charlie Brown. And, yeah, the bar is packed tonight. People are hanging out, hop it around. You're looking for Rudolph, your contact. So, guys, roll a perception check to see if you guys can notice him. All right, yeah. Right. That's good enough.

Yeah, you guys all kind of, I mean, not as much car gone. But, you know, you're asking, you guys, you guys kind of figure out, like, you kind of see in the back. I got, I got deception. I got deception and perception confused, never mind. But that's fine. You know what? You got a crit on deception. No, no, no.

We'll take the crit, because the crit is the crit. You know, we're just adding in different numbers to it. So you do have to deceive somebody. Yeah. Yeah, you know what? I like, yeah. So you have to, you did spot him perfectly. And it is this guy, just like a regular.

doughy-looking guy with a just glowing red nose that he claims his rosatia but yeah and so you see that but you have to lie to everyone else about whether or not you've seen it ever now I don't see anything

I believe you I believe you good good all right the rest of you guys kind of see this guy anyway yeah You have a private little giggle. And you see the Rudolph guy.

He sort of notices you guys there. You're in your disguises, which is all just Groucho Marx glasses. And so it's just like five guys like that. And he sort of waves you over. He says, yeah, come on, sit down. Sit down. I got the...

How are you guys doing? Do you guys want to drink or something? Yes. Okay. And he orders something from the waiter comes over. and you order some a couple of drinks. What do you guys want?

Uh, shit. Okay. I forget. Somebody else want to order first. I will also have some shit. I will also have shit.

Okay, we got two shits. What else do you guys want? I don't, wait. No, I don't want shit. You're going to make me

drunkish alone? No, you want that? I was going off of you. I don't know, man. I don't remember what drinks are. flea shits

flee shits we speak the third can I have I don't want S-H-R-T what do you want could I have a Contro

with one big square ice cube in it please yeah he sort of tries to relay that to the waiter and the waiter sort of like

says something back to him shakes his head and he says they only have cylinder ice cubes you know that kind it is so

fucked up what the Taliban did guy. I go up to the waiter and I grab him by the shoulders and I say, give me whiskey. And then I get really close to him and I say

a lot of whiskey. And I'm still covered in vomit and piss. So he smells me. Yeah, he's shaking in his boots now and he started nods vigorously. Can I get

Uzo? Can I get a whole bottle? Uzo. Okay, so now we're getting three shits and one Uzo. Look, he, all right, the shits are for Zohan, I want Uzo. Zohan, you want three shits? I guess.

And you. I would like one room temperature Modelo, please. Wait, hold on, he can't drink that. That's Haram. It's liquor It's Ramba beer is fine, I think

The waiter The waiter pulls that out of his pocket He just puts it on the table And then he goes back to get the other drinks And Rudolph sort of looks at you guys He says Hey, so I'm glad you guys talk to me I'm really risking my neck here

I've been working for the Grinch for some time But I want out He's a mean son of a bitch You've been working for the Grinch No, that's the whole what's this guy's deal give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill your ass

right now guys briefed this is terrified we're a double agent in our midst no that's that's all right I thought who is it you who

wait hold on which one of us is the double agent all of you it's me oh what I trusted you you shouldn't have No wonder we couldn't tell what race you were I'm so sneaky

All of you roll Three of you roll stealth because you're just yelling They just want to make sure Oh no Oh no Clark God what are you doing with that crit Nobody else has to roll anymore I'm I stand on

the bar and I go Muslims have been prosecuted the beginning of fucking time did you know that the word Muslim comes from the Roman word for bundle of sticks the Roman Empire

they used to light them on fire and now certain people act like they're lesser than because they don't know how to make square ice cubes. Well, yeah, have you thought that during the siege of Baghdad when Gagas Khan was doing all that? He destroyed their science books, told them how to do that? No, you fucking didn't. You see, like, one guy is like, yeah. And while you're giving that speech, you see a couple other folks start turning the face. One of them is a giant snowman. And he looks at

the people sitting by the table. And Rudolph is like, Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And he holds up his, puts up his collar. And the snowman guy is like, I don't recognize you folks. Where'd you say you're from? Where are you from? Don't worry, guys. I got this one.

I say that really loud in front of him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Greetings. You don't know my name, but you definitely don't know my story. I come. Go on. Yeah, I come from the, where they invented Christmas.

Michigan's Upper Peninsula. I was born in a Hobby Lobby. I was born amidst the mail-mail cables, the Christmas lights, the cutouts of

snowflakes and things of that nature. I was born looking forward to December 25th every year. I may be a man with two legs, third leg, someone would say, just kidding. And a lot of

experience. I've seen the life leave the eyes of others. I've seen life be put into a baby's eyes when he is born from his mother. You see the snowman's bobbing his head too while you keep going, yeah. But even though

I am in your country in an invasory type deployment, I respect the desire for Christmas as it is as a part of me as it is a part of you just like a carrot is put on your nose it doesn't make you smell any less just because I'm not made of snow

doesn't mean I don't drink the nog so let's forget the stuff I was yelling and I'll buy what you're having for myself you know what Clark got Felix's role of persuasion with advantage

Let's see if you can calm this guy down Okay yes Yeah thank God yeah that's not bad Yeah uh snowman Frosty the snowman some would say goes You know what I don't know what the fuck Michigan is But you're all right

I think you're You're just I've just met you I can tell you're a real dude and one of the realest fucking people I've ever met and you will be one of my best friends brother you know what I try I try every fucking day I get up in the morning it's cold out I'm cold inside and out but you know what I got a lot of love and I see a lot of love in you you know as far as as far as the stuff about my carrot nose that's fine I just got that

I didn't know if that was a racially tinged remark or not you know what you know what it's you're new here man and you you you look you're quite the sweet talker so don't even worry about it I can I I I don't mind one bit and the frosty sort of just like shuffles away and you see Rudolph is and the waiter comes over and brings you guys your drinks and the Rudolph is like okay so I I just want to make sure you guys understand what's happening, because there seemed to be a lot of confusion before. And that led to some. So I was previously, so not currently. And currently. Oh, no, don't do it. Please don't do this.

Because you haven't yelled yet, but the other ones do. So I just, okay. What do you mean the other ones? You guys. What do you mean by you guys? do this. I will just hand you a USB with the information if this continues. Is that

what you want? I have one question. Okay. Where is USB? What country is that? He's just like stares blankly. His eyes are like rolling in the back of his

hand. That means yeah, you go Slabia. That's what he's saying, right? not USB I don't know if you guys have ever seen the movie Hotel Rwanda but USB was like the organization

that was meant to prevent what had happened there with all that stuff I haven't seen Hotel Rwanda is that like Hotel for dogs It's like Hotel California I've heard that so that's like basically

what's going on with the USB and you're yeah so I'm going to just give you guys the blueprints. And he just slides over the blueprints to the Bahamug Fortress. And

you guys look at them. And you see that he starts pointing out, really. Sorry. I couldn't do anything about it. It really was like, there was a five minutes stretch during Felix's speech where I was like,

When's it going to come? And he says, so there's three entrances, okay? There's the chimney, okay, that's going to get you into the ventilation system. Not many people know that, but I know a way to get up there. Then there's a front entrance. I don't recommend it unless you want to face the heat miser and snow miser themselves. That's going to be tough. The other way around this is to go through.

You have to go through Frosty's den So that guy who just talked to you Frosty, the snowman He's a drug kingpin around here Works with the Grinch You can go through his den, it's around back It'll lead you right into tunnels It'll get you into the Baham Bug area

But you're gonna have to again Go through a whole drug den You could do it sneakily You could fight your way through it But again, don't recommend The chimney But if you fuck that up Keep in mind you'll be surrounded

If you guys play Metal Gear Solid that game here I grew up in a 10 shoe household the way the Metal Gear Solid treats military service is frankly disgusting to me it's one of the worst things ever it's disgusting the way they try to you know they try to

complicate it and it's horrible can you repeat all that don't do this a trick out of character don't do this to me so look I leave this in your capable hands now I got to go

figure out why my nose is glowing it's fucking ridiculous and he sort of puts up his coat again and he says as to loego and he walks out of the bar so you guys have these blueprints in front of you three separate strategies to break in

to the Bahambug Fortress you can certainly split your teams up try to do a multi approach or you can just work all together but yeah you have the chimney which leads to the air vents you have the front door which is sort of a guns blazing approach then you have the den which is a sneaky approach but requires some complicated uh making sure you can get into the drug den making sure you can work your way through it may lead to a shootout but those are your three approaches so i feel like i feel like felix already sweet talk this this snowman so well why not

capitalize on that you know yeah yeah i think i could probably like extract some concessionaries out of him again yeah in a verbal entanglement yeah that's makes sense to me so he's uh he's uh he's still at the bar um so you can still talk to him for sure there he's got like his crew around him um uh there are other their hoos and other christmas creatures and critters that just are sort of like buzzing about him so yeah to see what you want to do i like uh i push clargon towards him like a like a a timid boy approaching his crush yeah come on all right talk to him come right all right all right so how's the night treating you uh the tough guy himself Mr. Sweet Talk.

Well, you know, it's going all right. Just here with my crew. Sipping on some, uh, sipping on some, uh, sipping on some soju. Just, uh, enjoying the, uh, cool Huba stank air. Oh, Hubekistan, I've been, I mean. Someone, someone, someone, someone, someone's, someone's had a lot of sockies. Just kidding. Hey, that's a good one.

thank you so uh look man we're thinking about taking this party back to my den keep it going get some girls there maybe some uh

maybe some Cindy Luz if you know what I mean all grown up wink adult women is what I mean that's my favorite type of woman Cameron can we keep that in um

yeah honestly like There's nothing that, like, puts me into the Christmas spirit, like some tune around my thing. Hey, I know what that is. Yeah. I got a carrot down there, too. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely.

It's not a carrot. It's more snow, but, you know, they don't mind. Oh, you ask if your, ask if your boys can come. Yeah. Can you, like, can you, like, accommodate a crew of friends? Role persuasion with advantage again. All right. Patrick, do you throw a grenade?

All right. I did. Okay. Did you mean to throw a grenade? That was back when there was a big speech. You made to throw a grenade in the middle of the speech? That happens to Clark got a lot. I threw a flashbang under the table, realized what I did.

So this whole time I haven't been able to see anything that's been going on. that happens every single time Clarkon talks for one of two minutes. Someone around him throws a flash bang at him. And Frosty sort of looks over your crew sort of sees this motley group of everyone wearing Groucho Marx glasses. And he says,

You know what? The more the merrier. Come on, let's head over there. And yeah. So for you and Frosty, you go with the crew outside of the Jollybee's Bar grill, go around the corner a little bit and you see there's a door. You see there's a guy

in front of it with his hands over his cratch and he says Frosty, you hear Frosty say, ding Fries are done and you see the guard go, I've got to run and he moves out of the way and you guys walk into this like

vast drug den where they're making heroin and there's just tons of heroin everywhere and you see Christmas decorations, you see mistletoes up. You see wreaths and all these things and a couple of minores too. And you see the sort of lounge area in the middle. It's sort of like a jacked-up version of the Alfred Molina house in Boogie Nights. And you see some girls dancing on poles, some fine honies.

And you see Frost, you say, welcome to the pad. And he sits you dance. And he said, you down. And what you guys would remember from the blueprint is that there's a door way in the back that has a code on it. Which you guys know the code. It's 1, 2, 3, 4. And if you go

to that door and you type in the code, it's going to get you into the Grinch's it's going to get you down a bunch of tunnels that's going to lead into the Bahambug Fortress. Right now, so that information you guys know, but right now you're just sitting down with the crew. He's bringing

Picardy out it's like a club night you hear the music playing it's great I would like to fall in love with the Who woman okay you don't have to roll for that even you know okay cool I fall in love

okay yeah you fall in love with one of the strippers and what do you say to her I listen I I've killed about it a thousand thousand thousand people in my life she starts going to the other pole next to yeah i just go to the next stripper i'm just gonna keep doing this to every every single woman in the in the room yeah i should

mention there's not just like bickardi out there's like like cruditets and shit like you know it's like a pimped out pad there's people like packing you know packing drugs like sending out runners and shit but also like bringing in good fucking food um you know if you got i don't know if you guys have ever idolized people uh like that but like i did and that's what i'm picturing in my head okay i start i i snored a line of heroin but i yeah but i think it's tahini roll constitution saving throw where is constitution fuck and you see Philadelphia i always This one off. Woo.

Ouchy mama. Swag. Yeah. Yeah. Frost says, Me, heroin, a Sue heroin. Yeah, you feel a little woozy, but you're okay. You're standing on your two legs.

It was a close one, Caleb Pitts, but you're okay. You're saying I could have overdosed my first time. You could have, yeah, not overdose. You just could have dealt with some of the adverse effects of... What adverse effects? Oh, sorry. Never mind. Never mind.

You're right. Stupid. Too good of a time. Yeah. Yeah, let's put it that way. Yeah. What else do you guys? What do you guys want to do?

There's also like an old pinball machine that's like an old cool world themed pinball machine in there as well. Yeah. I've already thrown a grenade. Do you throw a grenade again? I threw a flash bag for 20 damage. Or 20. Yeah, it's 20 to hit Okay, yeah

Did you Okay, a couple of things I guess I have to resolve now God damn it, Patrick I love, how many grenades did you give him? Did he hit me unlimited? A bandalier of just grenades Yeah

I tell you what, I was making the character And I was thinking like Well, whatever I give Patrick He's gonna do something stupid But, so why not just make him Like have him have grenades? Like, I was like, whatever. It could go wrong, but then I was wrong again.

So, um, okay. So, A, are you doing this on purpose? You are. Or is it on accident? B, it's, it's, it's an accident every time. Okay, good. I'm trying to, I'm trying to wipe, um, whatever, whatever cruditate thing they had. I'm trying to get it off my shirt and I hit my bandelier and the grenade falls off.

So here's a thing. And I jump on it every time. here's a thing if you do this it's a pretty good move to say oops sorry and then run to the back so I don't know if you're trying to do that

or if anybody else is picking up maybe I'm really strong feeling he wasn't trying to do that maybe I'm just doing maybe I'm just doing some Jackie Chan drunken kung and kung fu stuff maybe that's my deal does he do that in that movie yeah he does Jackie Chan

does like Jackie Chan with a grenade I'm shaking in my boots. That's the scariest thing anyone ever said. Have you seen that video where they're trying to prove that Jar J. Jar Binks is a Sith Lord and they use Jackie Chan's drunken Kung Fu moves as a drunken master techniques

as an example for why Jar JAR Binks is a Sith Lord. I like that that's your reference for Jackie Chan's drunken master is not the movie itself but when they showed it in a Jar Jar Binks video that you saw it. It makes me, it kind of humbles me more is when I realize that Patrick and I have

the Star Wars overlap. Exactly. I know. I know Pat just knows this shit. That's why. I'm like, yeah, I've seen that video. Okay. So here's what's going to happen. If you guys want to take this opportunity, you can all make... I hit a grenade off my bandolier and I say, Mesa's so sorry. You can all make dashes for the door. I'll dash. And they're all going to

try to see if they notice you and they're going to do that disadvantage. So you just like, you're trying to wipe crude off your shirt and you just clip off the pin of this blinding grenade and it blinds you and Frosties oh God and the strippers are like and then like everybody in the

fucking drug dead is like freaking out and so you guys have this opportunity so you're if you're going to dash I'm going to roll to see if they notice you they have disadvantage so I'm going to roll twice let's see what they do how they do oh man yeah

okay and do you guys For the door. You guys dash for the door. And you guys dashed for the door. And Frosty's like, wait, where's my new best friend? I didn't even get your name. And he's just sort of like closing his eyes, looking for the bar God. And you guys are running for the door.

Thomas put on his sunglasses. What's it up? I'm going to take a picture of that so we can post it with the episode later. Oh, done, yeah. Dude, Raising Cains and Sunny's inside. Oh, my kid. Thomas is living the dream right now. Look at this, dude.

Oh, look at all. That kind of cup is illegal in New York City. Yeah, yeah. We're going to get interrogated just for being in a call with a guy. Yeah. Damn. All right. We were escaping.

Yeah, you dash for the door and they don't notice you guys. You guys go in and Frosty's like, my new best friend, where'd you go? oh god and then he slowly sight returns to him and he's like oh strip is a sweet and so you guys are in the tunnel and uh yeah you guys can make your way through the tunnels um you see they're lined with like uh christmas decorations and ornaments and uh as you make it do the tunnels you get to what looks like a little great above you and you hear like footsteps and shit and uh a lot of movement above you oh man i hold on i got to sneeze so bad you guys

I'm sorry, before we resolve this grenade. Yeah, Pat, you have to say something because nobody can, it's listening, can tell if you clicked grenade in the chat. All you sneeze. It just doesn't work that way. They're the best podcast where they're making each other laugh.

So, so the, yeah, it explodes. So, Patrick, you sneeze. You show your blinding by grenade and see if they hear you. Uh, yeah, you see, uh, you hear someone go, what was that? It sounded like he came from over there. And, uh, you see it. Nothing. You see someone lift up the grate and it's a who and they're like, freeze.

And, uh, yeah, uh, roll for initiative, guys. Fuck, criminal. Uh, uh, uh, so, so, yeah, you guys, uh, jump up through the, bent and you guys draw your weapons and you see a few hues in front of you you also see some elves on the shelves and they are uh they go zz they turn to face you guys and their eyes are charging up with lasers um but yeah first before any of that happens uh uh uh you go uh felix uh it's actually your turn all right so clargon yeah so you have elves on the shelves uh like three three of them around you up top and in front of you you have like four whos

um who are uh aiming their guns at you all right i think it's now it's time for the bolt action rifle yes do it i'm okay i'd like to say something before i uh take out this giant piece of shit that everyone on the squad hates your whole life people asked who Cindy who they're about to ask who were you You see, like, one of the who's like, what? All right, that's what I fucking thought. All right.

Now, I'm going to roll the bolt. Ooh, yeah, let's go. Okay, yeah, roll for damage. Yeah. Yeah, so you tear through one of them. You just say this shit, and then he's like, what? And then your bullet just, like, explodes his head. and uh yeah you're yeah you now have to spend around reloading but uh worth it yeah keep keep whoing i'm reloading

fuck you and uh yeah now it is uh now it's uh chris chris pratt it's your turn uh you've i thought it was thomas's turn oh oh shit you're right thank you man it's thomas it's your turn oh my god i got out dms just now that's insane by patrick did Wow. Damn. My tail is between my legs. Yeah. How many are you facing here?

Okay. Afghanistan. You're now facing three hooves, and you have a couple of elves on the shelves, too. Hey, I got three hooves and not a single crap to give. That's what I'm saying. So, I'll fill in the shelf, right?

Let's split up with that choppa and let the shoddy bang. Amen, brother. Oh, well, I'd better hit, I'd better go on roll 20 and actually do the attack. Sorry, I'd fall asleep probably 45 times. Yeah, your character is just like T posing whenever you're AFK. Like, it's just like, you keep switching between poses. And I guess you're a ready pose. Okay, yeah.

Roll for damage. Yeah, roll for damage for that. Nice, yeah. So you pretty severely injure one of them. You're like nodding off And the bullets just like Like cascade down its body And it's like

And yeah, you have another attack too So you can do that again if you want So I can just do that again, right? Yeah Okay, that does not hit this time This time you're like You fall asleep and you kind of like Shoot them down one way

I empty like a full clip And everyone hits the next one I'm like just drop it on the ground I'm like, yeah, so what? okay yeah uh so one of them is smarting pretty bad um but but the three of them still are are up and now now it's your turn chris um you're up all right um so the silly mine is that like the uh the sticky grenade from tf2 uh now it is yeah okay all right so i'm gonna so we're down below right no no you guys climbed up to oh okay all right

Then disregard every question I just asked. If you wanted to stay down below, you could have. How are they spread out the who's? They're about like 10 feet apart each in like a tactical formation of a triangle. And how many of them are there again? Now there's three. One of them got fucking one-shotted by a cargon. Okay.

Then I'm just going to go Tommy Boy Gun. Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, 25. Wow. Wow. You got a fucking crit. Yeah. Roll for damage.

I just start spraying that shit. 118 is the 11 plus 8 is the piercing. Jesus Christ. Okay, yes. So describe your killing two of them. You fucking just spray around and just fucking body two of them with the Tommy guns. I'm still blinded from the flashbang. So I'm standing.

standing there with the gun, just like, Ah! Yeah, and two of them are like, I've never seen that technique before. It's just like, we can't analyze this. Yeah, he just tear through them. And I rolled something behind the scenes,

and you hear some footsteps coming towards you guys, and it's now their turn, and you see, you hear footsteps, and then you hear, and then you look up, And you see the heat miser fucking lighting up his hair on fire, using it as a jet pack, flying at you guys' feet first. And I need all of you to roll a dexterity saving throw.

Shee. Because he's coming at you. And you hear him say, You sons of bitches fuck with the grinch. You get the heat. Oh, wait, I just rolled dexterity, not dexterity saving. Hold up. I got a 10, dude.

It's Jill. Got a very green 22. Oh, I got a 16. Okay. Oh, yeah. I'm rolling. so the heat miser blasts in and like all of you Clark on especially you just like how do you dodge this because you got a crit on that save so tell you like that I uh so I cross my arms like in anime guy would do and uh I just see a bunch of lines whoosh around me like I'm very fast and then I jump up in like a jackknife position and do several several spins You're just reloading your bolt action rifle.

Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Zohan, this one gets the best of you, though, and you take eight damage as this heat miser fucking flames you by like flying past you. And he's charging up his, uh, charging up his hair. And, yeah. And, uh, but now he's positioned himself behind you to attack again.

And the other who's tried to attack you, but they, they just shoot and fucking miss. and he else on the shelf though Do charge at you guys And they attack You Patrick because they saw you Just fucking tear through two of them I got a 16

No this is a different Different role This is a different role Oh okay And they they managed to get Seven health on you Like they just like fucking Their elves on the shelves's eyes go

And they shoot lasers at you And they get seven damage on you in their attack. But yeah, now you're back on the top of the order and the heat miser is sort of like like his foot is like digging in. He's like putting his hands on his head.

It's like he's making horns. And he's like, he's like ready to get you. But it's your turn, Clarkon. You can either spend this round reloading the bold action. Wait, we didn't get turns. Oh shit.

I'm sorry. I fucked up. My bad. Uh, I really get that up. Yeah, do I get a turn? You did you. I have an amazing idea. Okay, hold on.

I'm sorry. Fuck that up. Uh, it's your turn, actually, uh, uh, uh, Zohan. Or no, wait. Uh, it's my turn. Yes, it's your turn, Thomas. That's correct. Oh, it's not. No, it's my turn. I'm sorry. I'm like, I was lying. You tricked me. Thomas, roll deception. You succeeded. It was an evil trick of mine. It's your turn, though, Cameron. Uh, it's your turn. Okay. There are elves on the shelf left, right? Yeah, there's still three left in the, in the shelf area. Okay. So I say, I say, I say, you've, so you've heard of elf on the shelf

and then I take out my machete and I throw my machete at them and I say now check out machete on elf on the shelf Hey roll for the attack Yeah that hits Roll for damage Okay yeah

You just like You just like say all that weird shit I mean the machete He just like completely like pierces through One of the elves And it just powers down And it's just dead Yeah, you can also do another machete attack, too, if you want to.

Yeah, I'm doing it. I'm going for it. I say the same thing again, too. Yeah, that hits. Roll for damage. Yeah, you're like halfway through saying it, and, like, you just throw it again, and it just obliterates another elf on the shelf. And now it's dead, and, yeah, now it's your turn, Zohan.

Okay, so it's just the heat miser, and that, Elf on, and any more Elf on the shelves? There's one more elf on the shelf, and there's still two other who's. You could say the line, too, if you want. I won't get mad at you if you copy. I know it's cool. I'm going to use my Ninja Star of David on the one other who. Yeah, that hits.

Easy. Dude, oh my God. Yeah, describe your kill. You're going to obliterate this guy. You guys are trained warriors. We're so cool. It's so easy for you. I

the he gets sliced that that's awesome man yeah it's so good it's awesome wow

yeah that is really cool actually whoa yeah you're just saying that as it's like seven half wow that is that is really cool wow I've never seen that to be before yeah

who's just screaming and agony This is a good size and a half. Well, really cool. And he just dies. He just lies there, pool of blood around him. And, yeah, you get another attack, too, if you want to. Well, I can only... I can't use the Ninja Star of David twice?

Yes, you can. You can use it again. Yeah, you miss this time. You just... Oh, fuck. You just throw it, like, kind of way too high. And the elephant show goes, he... He!

His laughs at you. I hate being mocked. And, yeah, now it is your turn again, Clarkon. So, you know, heat miser behind you, one elf on the shelf left in front of you above on the shelf. All right. Because I think everyone is just a character in the movie about my life, instead of helping everybody out by just, like, you know, rolling for my scar or even my riot shield, I decide I got to keep reloading.

Right. Yeah, you spend your turn reloading. Yeah. Yeah. And I'd like to say to him, you're so fucking lucky that this gun takes so long to reload. But it was actually given to me by my grandfather,

Clarkon, Senior, the 3rd. Tell me about that. Well, so the thing is, he was actually, he fought on both sides of World War II. he lived a very storied life I mean he actually started out on the Allies but

Right sure Yeah he actually like So what happened was That he was part of the secret mission Where he had to look like He was He was selling Volkswagen parts To Americans when there was an embargo

But it was actually like he was trying to catch Other guys who did that But then they just acted like you know, he wasn't doing that. And so he had no choice. You're just saying all this shit and just reloading your gun. Yeah. They really forced his hand. See, the heat miser has sat down.

He's crossed his legs. He's just sort of listening. Yeah, he actually, like, you know, he had PTSD his entire life after that from when he did fall out of the guard tower. Gargan, you said PTSD right. I mean, QRT from when he fell out of the guard tower

and honestly it's just disgusting how this country treats veterans and you can only imagine what it would be like if that happened today and he was someone of black or other heritage and it's now your turn Afghanistan Vladimir Afghanistan after Clarkon went through that speech it's reloading his gun I'll use my gun

Actually I think on this one I'll use my Afghani martial arts Yeah do it do it On this one I'm going to be I'm going to be One of the Do you know who we're up against?

We both know I don't have to say The one who's closest to me Yeah you fucking wrote this thing Patches Shouldn't you fucking know I feel like such a fucking dick What's wrong with you do? Honestly, the heat miser.

That's who you're going after. You know what? And I should have known that. And I'm going to do a really crazy, it's going to be, it's going to hit around the hip area because it's designed for kicking a dog. But it's going to kick. And I'm going to say,

you want to get slick. It's time for a kick. I hate rhyming. Boom. yeah um and then i don't see um you know might have uh well i might not have um yeah you missed him you sort of yeah well i didn't i didn't land you just sort of do some sweet kicks but they just like go over the heat miser's head who's like he's like four and a half feet tall um uh your quick kicks are too sweet but you have another attack with the afghanian martial arts well i'm gonna do it

again the heat miser's like ha ha ha i am too hot to handle That's my character. And, yeah. Oh, yeah, you just kick in the same exact spot just over his head. First, you don't succeed. Second time, also no. That's really profound. And now it is your turn, Chris Pratt.

All right. I'm going to throw the Molotov slushy at him. that is heat miser yeah 21 with 11 damage yeah uh yeah you you do that and that seems to do some extra damage of this heat miser for some reason uh when you throw that molotov slushy and it does that cold damage the heat miser is like

oh ouch my heat you hurt my heat good and uh yeah it takes uh i don't know what you trying to tell you you're the bad guy right now i'm just trying to tell you that my heat's been hurt all right cool i hope you don't do things like that again because that would hurt my heat i might that i my's okay and yeah he just takes a little extra damage he looks pretty bad but

he's still standing um and now it's his turn and uh he uh takes out a whistle and he blows it And it makes a tone only people who are really, really cold can hear. And you see sliding in is the cold miser, who I definitely don't know what he sounds like, but I assume it's like, ha-ha, I'm the cold miser. His name is the snowmiser. Is it the snowmiser? Yep, snowmiser.

Oh, yeah, I don't know. But go off, I guess. Yeah, I will. I will go off. All right. And the snowmiser, I'm the snowmiser, I mean. And he doesn't attack on all of you. and oh shit it does hit some of you

I see I see them both and I think for a minute that they might be twins and I get a huge erection they're like put that away no no please put it away I am wearing pants

I can see okay sorry I did no but there for an improv but I am wearing pants not for long Oh, God. Not again, Caleb. And, yeah, Thomas and...

Let's keep bothering me. Thomas is doing the Uber Midge sleep cycle during this episode. He sleeps for 90-second intervals and then wakes up when someone says his name. Thomas is doing a Tim Ferriss method. What do you need? Yeah, you'd take four damage, and so does a... Chris Pratt and And Soldier's wrath

Hey, I've got four damage for you right here All right, Timmy off now, Thomas, so I don't know what we're going to have to do about that kind of thing, all right? Okay, all right, you're being now, you're just being kind of rude. It could give him disadvantage later. Yeah, yeah, I could give Thomas disadvantage if he flips me off. Yeah, I've got a disadvantage for you right here. No, don't, oh.

That's another middle finger. You got to put that thing away, dude. It's kind of ridiculous now, all right? I'm taking it out. You know, just because I have feelings too, man. Hey, I'll love with you, man. It's been, what's up? In a busy weekend.

Yeah, no. I'm sorry if I overstepped my boundaries as a friend and I love her. No, and well, you know, and, you know, we can talk about that definitely off, Mike, just because the second part, you know, I'm still not out too. a lot of people. Yeah. But as a friend, you've been great, and it's okay. You know, you do take four damage.

The Snowmiser does hit you with a little blizzard attack. I know. I know you thought you'd get out of that, sweetheart, but it's not going to happen. And, yeah, he's getting all kinds of mad at the screen. It's fine. Yeah. But now the elf on the shelf attacks, he misses you guys. So, like, he just like, he's like,

and he just shoots at the ceiling he just, I rolled, he just completely fucking missed. And now it is your turn a soldier's wrath. Oh really? Yeah. Okay. I'm just going to, I'm going to take out

Destiny's fate and I'm going to start shooting. Yeah. The heat miser and the snow miser are right next to each other. So they have to roll a deck saving throw. Yeah, they take 16 damage. The heat Miser dies. Explain

how you kill the heat Miser while the snowmiser is taking damage. Let's go. I shoot him with the gun and it goes and all the bullets going to him and he goes and spins around and disappears. Yeah, he just poofs away motorboating the air and

the snowmiser is like, no, my twin! I think it's the snowmiser who does that actually now that I think about it. Patrick, can you confirm this? What? Which one of them goes and spins around in a circle. It sounds like the snowmiser. The snow miser doesn't do that.

Yeah, the snowmiser's all mad. He dies normally. Yeah, he shits like, you know. He smells awful now. And you better, you better believe I'm rubbing that all over me for Camaslosh. Yeah, and the snowmiser is like, my brother, no, who dies normally. And, but he's also taking a shit ton of damage. And now it is your turn, Zohan.

Okay. It's not cool. Reboot. Yeah. Okay. First, I stand over the Heat Miser. Yeah. His dead body, like, and like L.A. Noir, I, like, pick up his arms and his head.

Yeah. He died normally. And then I go and I, I'm going to do, I'm going to do, Krav Maga. Yeah. On my guy, the snowmiser. Roll for damage. I'm gonna fuck him.

14, dude. Okay, yeah. Describe your kill because he already took a shit ton of damage from Cameron. I, uh, I, I, I do a, uh, like, whatever, like how double or like hexa, but for 10 times backflip. Yeah. And then I, I put both of my feet completely in his eye sockets. No, just like the movie. He's so good.

He can't say anything. He's dead. Okay. My bad. I'm really sorry. Take it back. I'm sorry. Take it back.

That didn't happen. It wasn't said. It's not canon. Okay. And then I use his, I uses. But he whispers it. He whispers. No, you can't, you don't whisper when you die.

You can't say anything in any quality. Sometimes you can, no. That's not true. My uncle whispered when he died. Shut up. What the fuck up? He said, he said, he said, he said, said you could have my Xbox.

No. Your aunt is all your life. He sounds like my mom. No. He's dead. Another one for me. Yeah. He dies and tape goes over his mouth as he's dying.

Yeah, I can't say a word. Just die. And yeah, I killed him. Yeah. And the elf on the shelf, just like self-suff fucking explode. He self-exploves. He self-exploves. He's self-explodes.

He spontaneously explodes. And yeah, you guys have a clear path now to get to the Grinch. Who is... He starts sprinting down the... Yeah. He's in his lair, and he's setting up his cameras for a stream, a live stream of him fucking the presence. And you guys go in there.

You guys bust in. You see the Grinch. You see all the presents lined up, and they're all covered in lube. And the Grinch is butt naked. You see the three Santas, normal black and Jewish all tied up and gagged and the Grinch says I see you finally all arrived what are you going to do how you're going to kill me what hey hey you're going to be one you're going to be

one of the only people whose funeral was on Christmas okay anybody else got anything fucking mean to say I have one question where is a Grinch where are you where are you hiding him are you

are you a bit slow because I honestly there is no listen there's no way this beautiful woman has anything to do it

oh okay I see now I see what's going on I see what's going on here. I'm the Grinch. This is basically... Wait! What I'll do for the boys?

Start wiping my tongue. It's like the end of Ace Ventura. And it's also not like that. No, but at the same time. Yeah, never mind. That's... Who is that behind you? That's a ghost.

Is there someone behind me? There was someone. it's him it's him the gritch is here the critch is behind pat oh my god oh my god

she's like psycho bantus he broke the fourth wall holy shit that's incredible oh my god patches you really fucking immersed us in this game okay now he's telling me that he's gonna save file

of twisted metal all right so oh my god look I don't want to wish it into existence but this would be the funniest time for Patches to get murdered. Like five minutes from wrapping up and somebody just walks in.

It just shoots me. Yeah, it's just, it's a, what's that movie? You know the one with DiCaprio and the other guy. You know, Wolf of Wall Street. Bulfur Wall Street.

Gilbert Great. Gilbert Greatfried. Yeah. And, yeah. Somebody walks in and sits your house on fire like the end of it. They departed. That's what I'm thinking of.

Alright. So anyway, yeah, the Grinch is there. He's all lubed up and ready to fuck the presence. The Santas are tied up. What do you guys want to do? Oh, boy. Well, what I'm just sit back and watch. I think you know what I'm going to do. Is my, uh, bolt action reloaded? Oh, my God, Patrick. Jesus. Oh, wow. Holy shit. Double grit flash bag in the room. I've never seen that before. You keep throwing grenades.

You're going to hit a double grid. Exactly. Take a screenshot of it. You know that was my plan this whole time. That was amazing. Jesus fucking Christ. I accidentally drop a grenade on the ground again. I'm swinging my arms like Kermit when he's excited.

You know, he's like, I was doing that because I see the Grinch, but I'm scared. So I'm doing that. And one of them just falls off the. Bandelier for a double grit. You are all blind. Everybody in the room, though?

Everybody is blind. The Grinch is blind right now. The Santas are blind. Everybody's blind right now. I fart really loud. I take credit for it. That was me. Fuck, I can't see. And you see the timer is going down for the stream is going to start.

No, I can't fuck the presents if I can't see them. And you see the tires going down, it's about to be Christmas Day when he's going to fuck the presents. He's like, somebody, please, point me to where the presents are so I can fuck them. I say, okay,

and I start guiding him towards the Zohan. Putting on lipstick. And popping my lips. Okay, this doesn't feel like a present. While he's doing that, I'm just kind of like feeling around the room. Should I roll for Whoa, whoa, whoa there.

Which Santa is this? I'm certainly not anything I shouldn't be. It's a normal Santa. Okay. Yeah. Again, boss in your court with that one. Thank you. It's the Santa, it's the Santa that I, Chris Pratt,

think is normal. Keep walking. Can you feel it around? Snope, you can stop walking now. Okay, I've got an idea. And I try to untie him, but I can't fucking see anything. Do I have been a Boy Scout, Chris Brett? That's true, yeah.

You have not skills for sure. That's true. It's just it's a matter of me undoing his belt or me undoing his bandage. Yeah, I love that. Yes, that's what's happening. Roll D20, just a straight D20. Okay. Above a 10, it's his rope.

Below a 10, it's his belt. 12. Okay, yeah, you just barely. Your hand is hovering around the belt. My mouth is on the buckle. But your hand is untying the rope. I don't know. I was on it.

Meanwhile, the Cargonne, Cargon, what do you, Cargonne and Vlad, what are you guys doing in this? You can't see the Grinch is about to kiss Zohan. What are you guys doing right now? Oh, he's not going to kiss him. I'm going to try to use mental visualization techniques to aim my bolt action at the Grinch. Okay. Roll an attack roll with disadvantage.

Let's see how you do. Okay. And then we'll resolve that depending on the result. All right. If you just hit it, you'll just take the lower number. Okay. All right. So, Thomas, Afghanistan.

Vladimir. What are you doing doing this time? You're just feeling around for shit? What's going on? Yeah. I think I'm sitting in Santa's lap because I like sort of felt around and stuff, but I've just been sitting in like a regular chair for like five minutes. And I'm just like talking to just a chair.

I think he just has like really toned thighs or something. The chair is like, yeah, what else do you want for Christmas? I was like a magic chair. You sure? is. That's just too much, Patches. That's just too much, Patches. I'm sorry.

I take it back. You cross the line. You're taking me out of the story. Now, I have to do actual character. Okay, listen, a Grinch is fine. A black Santa, I can believe that. But a magic chair. That's too far.

I've got a lot of feedback that I've just been very bad at keeping you guys inside the story and keep you guys focus on the narrative or any of the stuff that's going on. And that's all. I've got to work on the chair. I'll work on the chair. I'll pull that back. The chair is not magical. You can't

even keep me inside my house. Zohan, what do you doing with the bridge before Thomas kills me? I stick the like pointy part of a soda stream that I always keep on me into his dickhole

and I turn it on. What if you knew that? Soda stream is really company. Oh no! I knew that about Sotta Stream. stream and the grinch is just like being poisoned with with sucrose just like his bloodstream is being poisoned he's like i'm diabetic and he's like carbonating his bald his ball sack juice yeah and uh he just like drops to the floor dead full of sugar and the camera turns on for the live

stream and it's just a dead grinch and a bunch of presence thomas talking to a chair uh clargon doing a visual, Clark on shooting his gun and it just completely fucking misses the Grinch. And yeah, what do you guys want to do with the body? This is it. This is the end of the mission. You guys killed the Grinch with some shows.

I instantly speak up, rubbing my eyes. The Grinch was a bad person and he hurt this country and all the other countries in the world. But we're no better than our adversaries if we desecrate his corpse. I think we have to give the Grinch a Muslim sea burial

in accordance with his faith. Or one of them. One of the faiths. I'm going to find a Grinch. I will kill them. I cut off the Grinch's like mangled, bloated ball sack, and I just wear it as a necklace to add to my trophies because I'm badass as hell. I'm,

my, my, the gap in my tooth is stuck in between like that, that thing in the belt buckle where it like connects to the, it goes through the belt hole. So I'm just kind of like me and Santa, I'm like kind of waving my arms back like, whoa,

oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm falling backwards. And it's this cycle where Santa and I keep, like, doing cartwheels. And then connected to his stuff. And I, I walk up to the presence, the pile of presents. The president. I walked up to the president.

The president who's standing in the pile of presents. And get this, boys. I unzip my fly. Oh, no. And I say into the camera, being Israeli, he's about more than having fun with your friends. it's about more than using Reddit for pornography more than sounding like a French guy with a concussion

more than visiting the dentist because there's no fluoride in the water in Israel it's about ruining Christmas on the live stream yeah and you hear Marvin Gaze let's get it on play and the screen fades the black

and the credits start rolling. Can I get a post-credit scene really quick? Yeah. Okay, I'm in the hospital. I've married all three of the strippers from the...

There were exactly three. Yep, there were three of them. I married all of them. And they're... One of them is pregnant and is giving birth, the other two are just there with me to support me. I see my beautiful

baby who boy pop out and I look down at him and I say wow, you're pretty awesome. I think I'm going to name you blow toss piss and then cryogenically frees you until the year 2,240.

Just for no reason. Yeah. All right. That's all I need. I just wanted to make sure everything's at the same unit. Thank you. Yeah, no, because I was worried we wouldn't do that. Oh, I've got an idea. Wait, hold on. What's up?

What's up? I have, I fuck a Yoda. And you know they live for, you know, they live for 900 years. So I think that's the same amount of time. So we all have to fuck something at the end? Is that the rule? You already did. In accordance with his Muslim faith, we are fucking the courts.

Let us never say that we've stooped to the low of America's enemies. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. Right before you fuck him, we say, hey, here's five pillars for you, you dead, son of all. I would like to say the traditional Muslim prayer during the sea burial. Brooke Atadanoi, Nui, Nguyenu, Mali Shalom. You see, happy Hanukkah.

His body touches the water, and it bursts into flames. Well, I guess I was wrong about that one. He clearly was Muslim. It would have just sunk if he was Muslim. Well, I mean, there were like, there was a one in five shot of me getting his religion, right? Like, he could have been Hindu, you could have been Buddhist. At least we tried, though. Great job, boys.

This is all after the credits. I'm Sergeant Jack Frost. Wishing you all, happy holidays. Merry Christmas. from what's up Thomas what's up

I was going to mention the other one but earlier which one did you Quanta? No, it's not a big deal I was just thinking

about it I was a podcast about list happy have a good day yeah and God bless America

Everyone. All right. All right, perfect. Perfect. Thank you guys. It's a lot of fun. My pleasure. You guys, can I repeat it?