Podcast About List - UNLOCKED: Premium #98: Hat

Episode Date: October 13, 2021

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Come in, come in, come in, and we see your butt. If you are not a premium subscriber, please pause now and purchase a premium membership immediately. Okay, do the thing you were doing. Chuck and Larry. Chuck and Larry. Chuck and Larry. Chuck and Larry. Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. You were singing a second ago. I was thinking the doctor, when they say, open your mouth and say, ah, they should say, open your mouth and say,

just to see if you have a beautiful voice. and then maybe you could get on American Idol. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well, that's because my doctor is Dr. Dre. No shot, dude. Do you ever get mad? Does he spend most of his time when you're in his office, usually on the ones and twos?

Yeah, he spends a lot of his time doing, like, product, like, what's that fucking A&R or whatever the fuck? A&R. Not A&R, like inspection of his beats pills. He does a lot of quality assurance. That's what I was like that was on. I didn't know he was. on the assembly line for those he's

it's in his doctor's office really it goes through his doctor's office so there's like a hole in the wall of the conveyor belt comes through and he has to look at every single one and inspect it and put a sticker on it every single one go yeah it says drape proved he puts the he puts the

the beats logo on it and if one is broken you get to take it home with you for free if he doesn't like one he doesn't like one he slaps it and throws it down a staircase yeah he doesn't like it yeah because there is a bunch of stairs in his office Well, yeah, because he's got all these assistants walking around. Yeah, where else is he going to throw? Yeah, where else is he going to throw people down?

Yeah, D. Barnes just walks around his office. He tried throwing them off the chair, but it's just not the same. They should make, I hope they make, like, a sequel to the Compton movie, the Strata Compton movie. Yeah. It's just about Dr. Dre, and it's like him, every time he has, like, someone in his life he doesn't like, he, like, slaps him and throws him down on his stairs. The awesome, dude. He's like, I'll have a, uh, I'll have an iced tea. Sir, we're out of tea.

Pshh. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah. Be cool, man. He carries them to the stairs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to see my stairs? Yeah.

Yeah. You made me mad just now. You're about to see my stairs. He's cool, man. Yeah. It's cool that he did that when he was, like, 30 years old. It's like, I actually didn't know what you were talking to, I thought that was just a thing. D Barnes?

No. D. He was just, like, reporter who made, I think she would, he was, she was, like, talk to him, and she was like, you don't like women, and you make all your songs about hurting women. He's like, no. I don't Pshu!

Threw her down some stairs, dude? Jesus. Pretty crazy, man. Yeah. At least he didn't throw her down a stair master because she would have gone forever on one of those. Oh, man. You're throwing down an escalator?

Oh, fuck. I mean, you can't get off the escalator. It's just very long. Yeah. Yeah, it's not like a stairmaster where it's going to go indefinitely. And you just know my white ass would fall exactly the speed that the

escalator goes up, so I'm just stuck in one place. Oh, dude. That's what my white ass would be doing. I'd be rolling like a tumble weed down that. You know my shoe lace will get stuck in there. I don't know how to tie them yet. I still wear my flip flops would get stuck in there, get fucking grilled cheese.

My flip flops, they're really long in the front, and they taper off until they're as thin as a piece of paper. And I wear them on the escalator. I go, hope nothing happens today. I wear them around like automotive facilities that are constructing cars with giant turbines and shit. Just like giant flippers. I'm ready to go to the beach.

And then I show back up at the porch factory. Yeah. Well, you know, the latest style is that the shoes now, they don't just have the two ends on the shoelaces. There's like 10 of them, and they all have tassels. And they're 20 feet long. Yeah. Yeah, like a train on a wedding dress or a Mexican wedding.

When did the strings? The curled shoes stop. That was after elfin times. Okay. Yeah. Well, I think we should. I think maybe we should bring them back. Curled shoes?

Yeah. Well, that's one way. Why do we have steel-toed boots? Why not a curled toe? Yeah. Because then you have double layer. Yeah, you have double layer, but inside of the curl. Steel.

Yeah, I was going to say like a steel rod. Yeah, it's like a combo. It can hold the rod. It's like a steel. You can put a bundle on it. Oh, you can put a rod into you. You have it curled up. Yeah, yeah, you put a rod in, you curl it up, and then you can carry stuff on your

shoe with the rod. Shit. God damn it, dude, we got to get on Shark Tank so fucking bad. They should do a jester shoe skate shoe. Yeah. I feel like you could put that out, dude. That might be heat. They kind of did.

No, I don't care. No, Dylan Reeder just made these, like, boots that he skated in. Yeah? And they were kind of, they looked like a foreskin. Oh. Like a purple foreskin. Oh, hell not. Oh, fuck you, man.

That's disgusting, man. Well, rest in peace, Dylan. I, um, uh, he's dead. Oh, he died a couple years ago. Yeah, he died very young. There's genuinely A hard moment in my life Really?

I had a I had a crisis Really? What was a crisis? It's just like, man Oh no People can die That's true man

Yeah How you guys been What have you been up to? I kind of beefed my knee again You beefed it You farted on it? Yeah I did I put my knee under my butt

I went That's how you fart And fart like you're cracking your back I had a very bad meal last night. I had a bone for dinner. Yeah. I farted like that. Dude, I've been eating those, I had one of those, you know, those hot and spicy ramen bowls that you put in the microwave?

Oh, yeah. I ate one of those. I ate one of those morning. They put as many things on it as a can to say, don't eat this. Yeah. Those are awesome. I had the shrimp flavor one. And I woke up this morning and just let out a, say, it sounded like somebody let a balloon go in my room.

Yeah? Where it got high pitch. at the end. Oh, dude, it was awful. It just kept happening, too, and I was like, man,

I got to stop eating those, and I know I'm going to get drunk again and buy another one. They're fucked up. There's so much sodium in them, there's so much sodium, but it's like the perfect, like sober you up,

but it makes your fart so awesome. That could stop like a whale's heartbeat. There's so much, like, it's fucked. I'm so fucked when I get older. Yeah, dude. You eat, you eat like every,

like, every, like, spicy Mexican snack that says mascalories on the crime. You eat all. All those, too. That's, like, your favorite genre of food. Los toxicos.

Yeah, because, like, they have to... Quirolo. You can sell all that shit in Mexico. El Scuolo and those crossbones. El Diablo. Come the del diablo. Oh, man, dude. I haven't eaten them yet, but I feel like you put a thing of blue talkies in front of me.

I would... You got to try them. Dude, there's a reason why there's not a lot of blue... fruits. Yeah. You know? Even blueberries. That shit's purple.

Well, blue berries already, they covered it. Yeah. Most fruits are berries. What about blue cotton candy? True. That's a fruit. I have been one-up and I have been defeated.

Hmm. It happens to even the best of us. You think Monsanto has been working on a blue raspberry? Probably. Yeah. You think that they thought that they would have it cracked, so they told all the lollipop companies. Yeah, just go ahead. Yeah, yeah.

We'll have the blue raspberry out probably six months. That's exactly what that's exactly what that was. That would taste like, too. Yeah, yeah. They were like, yeah, just kind of freestyle it. We'll put it out. It'll be like banana. It doesn't matter what it actually tastes like.

It was too good. It was the same with pink lemons, too. Yeah. That's true. Where that pink lemon at? True. Is that some kind of fucked up 70s rock euphemism for a pussy? Yes.

A pink lemon? Uh-huh. It tastes like battery acid. Aw. Because it makes you go like this. Yeah. Licking the pussy like a warhead. Sucking my lips.

down my throat after. Wow. It's sour, then you've come. I had a whorehead recently. Yeah. One, it's not as, they're not as sour as I remember. I think they've dialed it back. Or it could be you've like, like, burned your taste buds off.

That I was just about to say, I think maybe in my old age, I've destroyed my taste buds and my tongue. Yeah, I think it's less old age and more eating, like. Elfire sand. Yeah. What are you guys singing this? Warheads,

that's all fine and good. But Madonna, I'd like to see that horse head on a pike. What? Stupid old bitch. What are you thinking of that?

You're kidding. Have you heard Lucky Star? That's a stupid bitch. Did I ever get you guys? My dad almost killed Madonna with a car? He almost killed Madonna with a car? He literally, yeah.

Why? On purpose? On purpose? I don't know. No, he was fucking, he like lived... I have to have said this before. He was living in California

like outside of L.A. And he, like, was running a stop sign. Yeah. And Madonna, like, clipped her leg on his car. And it was, like, so freaking out at him. And he was like, who's this crazy bitch? Oh, it's Madonna. And, uh...

It's funny, because I actually also almost killed Madonna with my mind. Really? Yeah. I got really close. You should try again. Yeah, I might. She probably definitely remembers my dad. She probably went home and thought of him when she got fucked by whoever fucked her.

Sean Penn. Every guy in the world is fucking old. old whore. What is the matter with you today? This energy you're bringing in today. You've been trained to hate Madonna because your dad probably had to pay so much.

I just think she's a stupid slut. Why do you stop? Cut it out. What's wrong with you? Dude, it's my past. What is going on with you today? I don't know, man.

It's 20-21. I forgot to take my ginseng and I started to got my shot. Chris are all fucked up. I'm turning into Republicans. It's fucking bad, man. But Madonna is a fucking... You're dressed up like a Band-Aid.

I'm not dressed like a Band-Aid. You're dressed up like a Band-Aid. You're one red hat away from... No. This Madonna rant sounded evil. No, I got dressed listening to Luther Vandross. Oh, okay. All right.

You know what? Props. Dude, I'm a 60-year-old black guy today. Yeah. I was at the gym today. They had... Never enough, dude. They have Fox News on the TV.

Nice. And you know what they're talking about on there? Apparently, there was an article. There's an article in some magazine or something that's about apparently now the word Jedi is offensive. No. That's what they said. See, that's what I'm saying, man. Isn't that crazy?

That's crazy, man. That's where I draw the line. What do you think about that, Caleb? Jedi? Yeah. Dude, Jedi, back in my day, you could say Jedi who you wanted to. It's just a word This is a word

I'm gonna keep saying it Yeah Yeah Why is it Why is it offensive? I don't know They don't have sound On the TV

So it's no way to tell them I saw Fox News In the gym TV And closed his eyes On the treadmill He put his hands over his eyes And went Oh no

Even if I did do that I would still be able to run Okay He can't run with your eyes I can run with my eyes closed All right now Let's see it Okay well let me step over these cables

here. Okay. Yeah, now run over the cables of your eyes closed. Run back to your chair. I can't run. There's not enough. Look, I have to wear this headphone and hold here. Excuses. Here you go, ready? That was not a run. How am I supposed to run? There's like three feet of space right here. I cannot go to the living room. Put the microphone

down and go in the living room. I have headphones too. Put the headphones down. No, you don't. I believe you. I believe you. Look, this is as far as I can go. Okay, all right. Put them down. No, I'm not going to put the. He can reach a running speed from this distance. You need to relax. Okay, will you move the chair out of the way?

Okay, hold on. Oh, he gets a little bit on the other end, too. Yeah, here we go. Okay. All right. Wow. Okay, he did it. You actually did it.

Impressive, right? Now, imagine that on a treadmill. Camer didn't fall face first into the treadmill. I've been having my left eye has been nonstop watering for like four days now. You probably have conjunctivitis. What's conjunctiveitis? Speaking of poop, dude, do you really come to a, My house wearing a brown hat that says pee on it.

Damn. What's that? Yeah, what's that stand for? Poop. You couldn't pick a different color for your pee hat? I didn't get this. Mike D gave me this hat. He got the poop hat.

He got the poop hat. Oh my God. No, I'm going to continue to wear it. I do think with this hat and the mustache, I do look like, the poop salesman I look like poop Mario you do look like

you do look like poop Mario bro no Mike Mike gave me this hat what's the P supposed to stand for somebody told me because like

it's like it's like a it's it's a it's an Ebbott's hat and it says P I don't know it doesn't say poop

it doesn't stand for anything it says P no no it's some like old baseball team. Oh, the poops. I think it might be the... The poopers. Fuck, did they say pepper?

They might have said something pepper. The pepper? The brown... I'll show you a brown pepper. I go to Ebbets. How do you spell Ebbets? E.B.B.B.D.B.D.B.E.B.D.B.E.B.E.B.E.B.E.E.B.E.E. field?

Yeah. And then and then they have the hats. Hold on. Should I just search? That's the hat. No, that's the hat.

What? It's the first result. What, okay. We have to shop Father's Day sale. Oh, okay. Hold on. Hold on.

Now, they got deals, though. What are, okay, here. Are you plugging your... Whoa, hold up. Win a free hat. Shut up, why did you close out of it? Fuck you, dude.

I'm trying to find out what your hat. Fuck, dude. We could have won a free. I'm doing you a huge favor right now by letting your hat not mean poop anymore. We could have won a free hat. You want another peat. Here's a brown one with a yellow hat that says pee next.

There's five pages. Whoa, you can make it spell pussy. You could. Yeah. If you had five heads, that would be so good. Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no, you can find the pee hat. No, there's five pages of this. Sort it by color.

Sort it by color. You sort it by boom. No. Sit down. No. Sit down. I got a, I got a, no. You are wasting our time

I'm not wasting anything I'm figuring this out Anyway my eyes Been bleeding water Yeah because you got pooping You definitely have like Some kind of very Contagious

Just been constantly crying Yeah Yeah Is it making gunk Not really Is it ever hard to open No Okay

I'm also You can stay in my The Paris red peppers Beautiful paintings All the time too The Paris red peppers The poops The Paris

Red peppers But the hats brown That's what it says that's the exact hat okay but it wouldn't be a brown hat for a red pepper it says it says it says it says it says it says it's right there paris red peppers it says it says it looks like it says 1946 vintage ball cap the poop patrick hat it does not say the i think it says Patrick the poop man oh my god this sucks it says Patrick oh never orders our poop hat poop poop poop so it'd be poof poop poop poop poop yeah poof yeah

Poop-f-poop hat. Patrick orders our poop hat and this. That's right. Yes, sir. And when it under and this, it has a picture of poop. Yeah, because it came with a free poop gift. It's the Paris red peppers. You guys are jealous because you don't understand Parisian culture.

Yeah. This is a very Parisian hat. They would. Don't get Caleb started on Parisian culture today. That's right, dude. I might bust out some fucked up evil. Yeah. Yeah, I might go fucking...

What's that guy's name? Luther Vandross. I might go Luther Vandross on Paris real quick. Yeah. Yeah. Now, I might go crazy about it. You ever heard a glow of love? It's a song.

He was a feature done. You want to have some poop in your glove. Imagine when you're playing for the poop pirates or whatever. I'm trying to give you a... Oh, do you remember the poop gloves? The poop glove? Do you remember that was an ingenious plan someone had? What was the poop glove?

You put your hand in poop and your hand is like a poop glove. I had that idea. I'm probably an arm wrestler. I think it could have been one of us. Hey, if it's someone else, I'm sorry for stealing your idea. It's a thing about arm wrestling. It's like, people say it's all, it's all like, oh, it's all in the arms. Yeah, it's not, it's not.

It's not in the arms. No, it's in the mind. It's in the table. It's like the technique, but there's, there needs to be a new. a third dimension to arm wrestling where you're trying to do fucking like you know get in their head zero gravity table and also to see who can have a nastier hand so you don't want to touch it right like you should have to like it should be like pee hand versus poop hand almost every single time yeah because you also can't copy your opponent's hand yeah and then you come in with throw

up hand and everyone's just like well who gets well then it's like well if you can't copy then it's like well who gets to decide first you have to arm wrestle to decide who gets to you have to rock paper scissors to decide right but then how do you decide who gets the you know the poop hand and rock paper scissors okay you play rock paper poop hand and whoever gets poopanned wins or loses you go rock paper poo pan hold on wait wait hold on hold on wait wait because you're trying to get your poop pan ready you're trying to get a fully coated keep your poop I was supposed to go to the Met today ended up getting canceled got ice cream instead you got canceled so you couldn't go to the oh I was in the fucking who's Sean Mendez

Is that guy famous? Yeah, that's a singer. He was, okay, he was singing. He was in Central Park all day. He's just, like, singing to, like, doing, like, a rehearsal for, like. So I pretty much got the most amazing concert ever. Wow. And does, yeah.

Did you get to meet him? Did you see Camilla Cabello there, too? He's married to Camilla Cabello. I think he's dating her. Oh, my God. Yeah. I love her dad's hunting store. Oh, yeah.

He's insane. Oh, my God, dude, we got to make a run there. Yeah. Camilla Cabello's great hunt. Great hunt Tell you what Camilla, I bet she's got a...

Cabela's good A great... She's got a great... You know what? Hunt. What? What? Camilla Cabella?

Huh? Camilla Cabella... She's Cinderella. Amelia Bedealia? Use your words carefully here. She's Cinderella. She's got a great...

She is Cinderella now. What? What? Did you say it? What? No. Say what? You can say it

about the body part, not about a woman's face. That's like the whole rule. I don't think that's the rule. Yeah, you can say it about, you just can't call like Ellen that. Like any, you call a girl's thing that. What do you want me to say? What do you want me to say? Her thingy?

Yeah. You rather than me say that? Yes. She's got her great thingy. That's weird. That's not weird. You're supposed to say like, yeah, now there's the one you say like, oh, she's got a fantastic area.

It's like what? Yeah. Now it is, everything's still PC. They want to say, yeah, her, her thingy, whatever, is really good. Yeah, you're what? They would, yeah, the freaking PC culture wants to say her hoo-ha makes me he-he-ha-hap-ha-ha-hap-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah. Yeah, her joy box makes me laugh like a clown.

I saw that I went hip-hip-a-ray. See, they're trying to censor guide talk. Now you can't say a girl has a nice pair of boobs. Now you have to say, my weasel popped all around her mulberry bush. What the hell is that about? Yeah. Yeah, it's fucked up. Yeah, it's just, I'd ring around her, Rosie.

That's what you have to say. now that's a bit you know that's a song about the black plague yes so can you like not talk about that's a bit of a import taste yeah there's a there's a can you just remember the american heroes who died in the black plague yeah to stop the black plague uh there's a brewing company called black plague brewing company tell you what i'm not gonna drink there yeah right isn't that a fight like tell you why here's why i'd be afraid i would get the black plague and their logo is a uh it's a Like, what's the... A nose?

Big nose. Doctor. Big nose doctor. My doctor has a big ass nose. No, it's not... I know, yeah. No, I know exactly what you're talking about. Plague doctor.

Big nose. Yeah, what other jobs? It does guys have. Rabbi. is the PG-13 ep that's right that's my bet i'm pg 13 yeah if you're 13 put down the iPod touch but yeah why would you like the black plague still exists some places why would you name your brewing complex oh you drink this

shit you'll get the plague they should call it they should be an HIV brewing company it's just a sickness it's just a disease no there shouldn't what am i even saying it's the worst idea there should be an HIV thrift store there actually is what's what's it called it's called no it's called oh it's called out the closet so it's called in LA yeah I have them here too really yeah yeah I see that

I was being facetious I was a gay guy with AIDS I'd see that and I'd say that's not cool man yeah they haven't in Ohio too I went to one in Ohio I would just feel like they were profiting off my image yeah yeah because you walk in there it's just a normal drift store right you can get AIDS tested there I know I told you guys

about the time when I was you know I was there and a guy came in and was like, where's the AIDS test? I was like trying to buy a shirt. I was like, this is not a fun place to be a team. And you said right here, buddy, and you pointed to your open mouth. Okay.

Okay, you realize AIDS kills like billions of people every day. But it keeps Magic Johnson alive every year. That's not true. What? He's making things up. Magic Johnson. You were hoping it would power you up like that. He's making it up.

He's making it up. Yeah. You think Magic Johnson? Johnson, the most pussy-getter of all time would ever get AIDS. No, he's got, he uses his magic to keep it away. He doesn't have magic, dude. This is the stupidest conversation. Okay, you've seen him on the court, though.

The Comedy Central Roast paid him to pretend to have AIDS 15 years before they started so that they could do awesome jokes about how his Johnson was magic in 2001. Right. So anyway. Which roast was he on? I don't think he was in any of the roasts. Oh. So anyway, Caleb was buying a trench coat, and he said that about the AIDS test

because he wanted to become, like, Wesker from Resident Evil because he thought that the T virus was real. No. Mm-hmm. What's the T-Stand for? The virus. The virus. The AIDS.

The AIDS virus. That virus. Yeah. That boy got that virus. That boy got that virus. Yeah. Man, these, I forgot about these shoes secondhand. They're starting to blow out in the back.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm starting to get. I wish you would blow out in the back. That's right. Bumping mics. Yeah. He got mad at us for bumping mics on a...

Because you didn't do it the right way. It's like this. We did do it the right way. No, it's like this. We did it two days ago. We were, before we were done with D&D, or during D&D, we bumped mics, and he said, don't do that. You shouldn't bump mics. That's what I was telling you guys, it damages the mics if you hit them into each other.

And the reason... You're just mad. Jeffrey Ross said to you at the roast. No, the reason that they bump mics on TV is because they're so rich they can afford a new mic every night. We can't. You know, we just got our... our first new mic in two years today one year three years that's right new business bank account things are looking up for us account number account number one two okay we can't do it again

three all right but we can't do another one no don't don't but don't say we all know what it is don't say five are you serious are you fucking serious okay stop wait seriously stop no seriously stop but we will say the routing number seriously stop nine eight oh I'm trying to throw them off 11

dude if we get robbed for all we're worth I'm gonna fucking whatever it's insured it doesn't it's like a bank robbery it doesn't matter is that true you're free to rob us

yeah you're allowed to rob us dude I think I might have a plan brewing it's all FDIC insured dude god damn fuck dick insured

that's what I bet that's huge at the FDIC office. Yeah. Yeah. Let's just put, what do we work at fuck? Dick. Remember that production company?

They did like the... Deek. Yeah, dude. We talked about Deke for you. They did a bunch of like... Dekech. Inspector Gadget. Heifcliff.

Heathcliff. Heifcliff. Heath. Heathcliff. Heathcliff. Yeah. They did heafcliff. Dude, I've been watching Mike Tyson videos.

Yeah. Because he just is like, there's a YouTube wormhole you can get into that is just every time Mike Tyson has done an interview. That dude is awesome. Yeah. He was like... What do you say? I'll fuck you till you love me. He said a lot of really weird shit.

F, F, F, F, F, F. F. He said he was going to eat the guy's kids. Yeah. He's like, I want your heart. I want to eat your children. It's awesome. It's so cool. He said that he was like trying to talk like Muhammad Ali, but like the whole thing.

about Mike Tyson is he literally has like an 85 IQ. Yeah, he was like homeless and then he like fed pigeons. Yeah, no, he's like one of the like stupidest people of all time. Like, I don't think that's stupid. Dude, what? To get a, to get a pigeon to trust you, you got to be some kind of intelligent. He doesn't have, yeah, but Muhammad Ali was like a genius. And Mike Tyson is like the stupidest guy of all the time. He's like, I'm going to be like him. So he just tries to talk. He tried to talk like him all the time. He would get confused and say things wrong. And it was just so cool, man. And now I've been watching the videos of him recently where he says he's... I'm going to tell him you said

all that. He spoke like 10 pounds of weed a day and he's like, there's a demon inside me. I used to be a demon. He wants to come out. I'm not going to let him. It's so cool, man. He's like, I want to hang out with him so bad. Yeah. He wouldn't punch you immediately. He wouldn't punch me. Yeah. What do you mean? He knows he's

fucking stupid. That's his whole thing. I'm going to go with this recording and I'm going to show him and say, Mike, he said this about you. He did your voice. Yeah. I wasn't even doing his voice. you were not please don't tell Mike Tyson and I'm telling him he's like insanely strong

you know that please I'm gonna show his tiger that could clip too the tiger's gonna get mad at you he doesn't have the tiger anymore plus he was on plus plus he had a TV show and you're never going to get star

he told the story of of why he had a tiger and apparently he was trying to buy a car and the guy was like the guy selling the car was like yeah you know like I think we'll have a new Maserati in in like a month. In the meantime, I have a bunch of tigers. And he wasn't even

looking to buy a tiger. Some just was like, do you want a tiger? And he was like, yeah. That's sick. That's so cool, man. Yeah. I would not buy a tiger. No? You just put it out on the record. Yeah. I would never. I do not support like that industry. So I would buy the tiger. I would throw it away. I'd buy a tiger. Because that's one less tiger on the market. I would never buy a tiger. Hey, I'll say it. I'd buy a tiger. I'd buy a tiger. Yeah, if I owned a zoo Yeah If I owned a zoo

I'd try to use a And guess what? Put the tiger in the zoo All of a sudden, I'm a millionaire What do I do with the million dollars? A million more tigers I pay to keep the tigers sick Yeah, that's right

Keep them sick. Dude, there is a horrible zoo That is what they do with the zoo When you guys come to North Carolina Which by the way, boys trip coming up Get prepared, pack your trunks Remind me about trunks after I'm done saying this.

Trigimbo Animal Park, Wilmington, N. C. Most fucked up demonic zoo of all time. All the animals want to kill themselves. They're like literally, you can see a monkey. That's every zoo though. No, but dude, this one is like, there's a protest in front of it every single day.

Oh, shit. And, like, they've been trying to shut it down for years. I don't know if I want to go to this. I would love to go. Chimps are like crossing their days off on, like, the side of the walls and shit. It's horrible. They have all these, they have like alligators with no legs.

Do they have at least souvenirs? Do they have one of those crank machines where you put in 51 cents? Yes, they do it when it gives you a penny with a sad monkey on it. Oh, okay. Well, you know, as long as, I mean, I'll go see like an otter get hit with a cattle prod. As long as I get to buy a shirt. Yeah, they don't even turn on the cattle prod. They throw it out like a javelin.

You know what the great thing about when liberals protest the damn zoo is, is that's free food for the animals. That's right. that's right and you know what some of the some of the employees have to wrangle them back in those animals those liberals that's in front of the zoo

that's right don't even get me started yeah somebody comes out there with a big net and catches them speaking of trunks because all these women are so hairy I completely forgot about trunks and the best thing I'm going to the gym regularly is there's a beautiful cast of characters

uh huh yeah of course new favorite okay okay mr trunks really young like young like mid 20s Indian dude walks in he goes every single day white polo shirt

swim trunks that have a picture of the beach on them picks up a one pound dumbbell and does this he's uh while he's on the phone he's moving his arm left to right

he moves his arm left to right and then he goes to one arm and then he goes over to a to a he mostly just walks around and then he wipes stuff down that he didn't use He goes over to the cable pull machine And just goes like

The smallest movement I've ever seen He's just inspecting it He might be dude He works there He does feel like it does feel like I'm on undercover boss When he's there Yeah I'm like this guy This guy

I mean I just want to I want so badly just like And everybody in the gym When he walks by just like watches him Because he's so entertaining to watch He's like walking up to like Fucking like the squat rack And like he'll

I saw him do this the other day instead of squatting the bar, he walked up to one side of it and held it like this and just... He's like... It's exactly... Is he, like, ripped?

No, he's in, like, horrible shape. Yeah? Yeah. What does he look like? He's, like, probably 5'5 and, like, 150 pounds of just, like, pure, just pudge. And he just walks around

in the same swim trunks every single time, a polo shirt. That's sick. Dude, he's like, completely... Alpha-dogging everybody there. I don't know if this is a thing that people actually do, so you know, you can make fun of me if it is, but I saw a guy at the gym running backwards on the treadmill

a few, like a week ago. Damn. Yeah. He's getting ready for that. Was he in good shape? Yeah. No, it was crazy. If someone's in good shape, you just assume.

No, that's the thing is like he looked too good to like, yeah, he was, well, he was like sprinting on it forward for like a really long time. And then he turned around and was running backwards. He was like, come on, man. Like, you see me right here. Yeah. That's what I hate about the gym Wait until I leave to do that.

The best guy that I have at my gym Besides that, dude, is like, the biggest guy there. Huge, like, bows over-the-ear headphones. That's right. That is a mirror. Getting huge. Big over-the-ear headphones. Fuck.

Sits there. Backfired. Yells M&M songs while, like, he's listening to while he works out. Sick. He's, like, sitting there curling, and he's like, go to sleep, bitch. Die, motherfucker fucking die.

He's like, everybody's just trying to, like, like workout. He's just talking to himself. It's so awesome, dude. I have a gym membership that I have not canceled for it's got to be about four years now. To wear a planet? Yeah. Yeah. P.F. I have the membership that lets you use the

it's like a waterbed thing that like massages your back. That's got to be expensive. Yeah, dude, it's like 21 bucks a month. What? For four years? Yeah, I just forgot to. What is wrong with you, man? I forgot to shut it off. You, this is the worst part. You've told me about that probably three times in the past year. And not once did you say, I'm going to log on to PF.

You can just do that? I thought you had to cancel it in person. Still! You live, I thought you had to cancel it. You had to cancel it at the one that you got the membership at. No. Why would you assume that?

Someone told me that. You're just a crazy thing I've ever heard. You were just like, oh, well, okay. I figured I'd go to the gym at some point. I'd rather pay $300. You could also, like, go on your credit card. and flag that as like, I don't want to pay this and they'll just decline it

and then they will cancel your membership. Yeah, it could do that. But what if I want to go use the massage jet? That's actually a really strong point. That's actually an insanely good point. Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's true.

You know what? And you know what? You guys could use my membership too. You guys could... I can't use your membership. What are you talking about? You can put on a wig. I already have a gym membership.

You can put on a wig. Put on my face. they have a photo of me in it and then look me in the eyes and tell me exactly how you think I could put your face on me mask you want me to pay to have a

custom Patrick mask made no reason why put it on my face like Mission Impossible 2 and you want me to walk into a planet fitness and say can I use the water did you want me to do that yeah it would get a massage

it would be really awkward when they they threw you a party. They're like, you're the guy who's paid the longest and come the least. Yeah, you set a record. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, like confetti falls from the ceiling. They're like, yeah, like, people had bets on whether you would ever show up or not. We all thought you were dead, man. Oh, this guy, this guy was saying to your first visit would be 10 years in.

But you could go use, you get a massage out of this. I don't care about massages, dude. Oh, well. Massages are evil. That's why you're so tense. Dude, every other person who goes and gets a massage, the person touches their butthole. I don't want that smoke. Where?

Your buttle. And between your cheeks. Yeah. Where is that happening? On your butt hole, you're fucking, like, the, the, the, the, the, where is this, where is this massage place where people are getting their buttholes touched? Around. I don't know. Dr. butts?

In this neighborhood? Yeah. What street? They're around. I don't think this is true It's true, man People get... And you don't have like a phone number for it

Yeah, I do It's my phone number If you want me to touch your butthole man Just be a man about it Just ask me They'll do the Kim Possible The dun dun to that's how you know Come me reach me

If you want to beep me Yeah I want to beep her What's right I want a beep Hell no What the hell What's up

That's a teenage girl No, that's the whole thing about her. The whole thing about her. She's 21 years old. She's not. She goes to prom. Come in and beep me if you want to reach me. Yeah, I want to beep you, Kim Possible.

What's good? Stop. That's a child. I'm gonna beep. It's not a child. This is a cartoon. She's 21 years old. I never say that.

It's like 21 Jump Street. Dude, she's a spy. She's undercover, man. No, dude. She's, Call me beep me Beep me, Caleb Call me and beat me

I'm on it. I'm on it. Yeah, dude, you're the naked mole rat. He looked like that. You look like that. Oh, true. I'm Ron Pussable. God damn it, dude.

I'm Ron Pussable when I'm in that bang. Shego crazy What's the bad guy's name Mojo Jojo Mojo Joe It's Shigo No, shego is the girl The green girl

And then her dad is the blue monkey There's a blue monkey I never watched that show And Shigo is part monkey Shego's part monkey I have to erase some searches for my search history. Yeah, I went part monkey on her, though. Yeah, I went Charlotte Nash.

I went Charlotte Nash on the pussy. That's right. You know what it'd do. It just been a visa! All right, so I, um, today, We're doing weekend update. Okay. What?

Yep. I brought some... He has a Mario Party mini game for us to play. I brought some headlines from... Some headlines that have been ripped from the headlines. When did we decide this? We're going to write new jokes for it? You guys are going to riff on these.

Oh, all right. Christian Charlson just requested $10 for me. Co-pay for MRI, parentheses, will increase amount if tumor positive. Do you guys think that's a scam? What? no earthly clue and then I immediately got a text from my mom

which is scary will increase if too let's see is this a real guy this is probably just a good I guess everyone in the world has my phone number

I should expect things like that yeah well Charles kudos to you and well done it's pretty good man all right so I yeah I got this

I got these these headlines from one of my favorite news news sources, which is fascinating things.net. Okay. That's good news. So these are big in the news lately, and I want you guys to kind of just riff on them politically, like, we can update, because it is the weekend when this comes out.

Well, the hardest part about this is this is not like a video episode. So I, I, right, if you guys are doing any mugging or anything. Yeah. Well, that's okay. You guys are going to do great. If we're doing Jost rules, then like, you're not going to see my funny face. A big part of my delivery is my eyes. Yeah, he's making a face like he just ate a warhead.

Yeah. All right, well, I have a bunch of headlines here from Fascinating Things.net. Okay, so we're going to kind of workshop some jokes for these? Yeah. Or, you know, if you could just say a joke instantly and not waste my time, that would be good, too. Let me go first. Okay. All right, the first headline here is, this bear lost all her fur after being used in a circus for 20 years.

yeah and that bear is not for sale no more oh there's the face yeah you have to wait you have to wait for the eyes for the pop yeah uh okay uh good um good morning good evening good morning bear hmm wait you got a you gotta you gotta the bear's name Hillary Clinton You could do like The Bear's name Like Caleb Pitts too maybe That could be

What? You lost all your fur Said her Yeah Yeah I'm doing like a Dennis Miller thing And yeah The Bear is game Yeah the bear is

Hillary Clinton After meeting up with Nabokov And The Bear went And Herman Melville At the Bengazi convention The Bengazi Convention That's actually a really good idea

Yeah Yeah I honestly, I honestly think that, like, she probably was responsible for all that. Yeah, she was solely responsible. She was the person who went there and killed all those guys. Yeah, I think if I remember correctly, she accidentally dropped a big turd out of a plane and it, like, collateraled all six of them, like in Halo. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What's the next story? All right. You want this one? Here, I guess. Here's the second headline.

Take a look to a Canadian moose refreshing in an inflatable pool. that moose's name is Hillary Clinton That's pretty good That sucked No that was pretty good Okay you do one then You do a better one Well

Here I'll say the headline again for What's funny Take a look to a Canadian moose Refreshing in an inflatable pool That moose's name Hillary Clinton Fuck dude this is so hard Yeah wait

Wait say it again Take a look to a Canadian moose Refreshing in an inflatable pool he's just making a face no that's all he's doing is making a face I don't know he's doing

he's doing a Mr. Bean thing oh man maybe we should have just done a Mr. Bean thing instead of a weekend update thing he's pretending a drink oh my God oh he doesn't like the tea Oh, he's pretending it's his wiener.

Oh, my God. Bido, what a weedo. That's a minion, he turned into. Bito, beato, beato. Well, you have to, I'm trying to get a laugh here. All right, here, try this one. Give me some, give me the worst shit in the world. Give me a good one.

They find a hybrid between a cow and a goat that hides in fear of humans. They also found a hybrid between a gay guy and a car. It's called a Prius. That one's for me. Pretty good. It's pretty good. That one's not bad. It worked, yeah.

That one actually... I'm going to write that down. What's next? A hybrid of... Frigin... Sucky shit. All right here. This is comedy gold right here.

You guys hop right on this one. Once you hear it, you mean, just throw a punchline out immediately. Okay. Lost Dog. Daly gets on the bus looking for his owner. His watery eyes cry out for help. What is this? Futurama?

Come on. There's a lost dog, patty whack. Give the dog a bone. I think this dog is riding the bus home. Wait, no. There's a lost dog in the back of the bus. alone, I think he might be taking it home. Try this one out, okay?

Okay. Faithful puppy cannot bear sadness and crosses the rainbow 15 minutes after his owner dies. If it's weaken up, they don't, You're not supposed to pause that long That is one hungry dog He's after Fuck

He's after the lucky charms Because he's hungry You could put that in there You don't get to try to add to my joke man I thought we were riffing together I thought we were fucking No we're battling Like Tina Faye and fucking yellow hair

We aren't they didn't battling No they uplifted each other It was a battle of femininity But we're two guys and we hate each other so much on the show So what This is the weekend update life And you're basically about to get fired by me Oh shit

I'm the head writer I think I think we can do I think maybe I should come in and do a character For the weekend update I can do anything I think I'm like desk piece guy i don't think i'm a host you you're being a baby you're a hot piece at my desk and sit down and shut up just look pretty right because i'm doing work all right here yeah this one's this one's a change of pace here i know the last one was kind of heavy so i'm not trying to goose you

i'm caleb secretary i'm trying to find your gander here this one this one you know i think this is nice a duck and a monkey prove their loyalty to the death leaving millions heartbroken I don't even, like, they were in love? No, they fought to the death. Oh, they fought to the death. All right. Well, my bananas are on the monkey. Okay, maybe we give these weekend uptake guys a hard time.

They have a hard job. They have a difficult job. Yeah, I mean, they're pulling the stories from the same source, fascinating news.com. Yeah, fascinating things. com. Yeah. Fascinating things.com. Oh, fuck.

Pat, what's your version? These guys are, these guys are quackers. That's pretty good. Hey. I could see Josie saying that. Yeah. Josty. Yeah.

Joste, Joe Malone. Oh, fuck. Could you imagine that crap? Hold up. That crap would make me go crazy. Let me pull out my Photoshop real quick. quick, because that would make me go nuts. Yeah.

This one gets a little political, so I'm sorry, but... Sweet dog with a heart-shaped nose that catches everyone's attention with its sweetness. Yeah, and liberals want to abort him. That's right. Yep. Reminds me of my favorite Nirvana song. There's a dog with a heart-shaped nose, and he's sweet. Like a rose.

Like a rose. What do you think? That was pretty good. That could be good for like a... Maybe if Kurt Cobain wrote about dogs with heart-shaped noses, yeah, they could do this story and we can update and then have like... Well, that's the thing. If Kirk Cobain...

If Kirk Cobain... If Kirk Cobain didn't insist on writing all his songs about fucking snakes and spiders, maybe he'd be alive still. Yeah. Yeah. There's an idea. Madonna, that whore's been singing about fucking bikinis and the beach for 45 years, and she won't fucking die

no matter how many times my dad tries. Well, yeah, speaking of that, here's the next one. The miraculous transformation of the pregnant dog after it came back from the dead 17 times. Oh, what is this? The freaking Octo Mom? Come on now. Yeah.

What's just the Dogdo Mom? Yeah, what is this? The dog Octomomom? And it's got eight babies coming out of its dog pussom. Yeah, what's this the stinky pussy dog pussy With a stinky little dog babies Just shooting out of a pussy like a cannon Yeah

Just plopping out like evil caneval Just fucking What's this the stink pussy dog? Let's taste your pussy see if it stinks This is the stinky pussy dog And I'm gonna eat that pussy. Why? I'm doing a joke for a weekend update man

Why you can't get mad at me That's true That's a good point. The fucking the guy's on weekend update. No, no, no, no. You went mad TV. Every week, no, I did not go mad TV. Every week, they do a weekend update, and one of them says some joke about 9-11.

Yeah. And they have to apologize, right? To Pete Davidson. To Pete Davidson. To Pete Davidson, he's right next to them. Yeah, right? He's under the desk. He's servicing.

God knows one. Yep. Heroin. Probably. Yeah. Yeah. But he, I mean. His second favorite needle after the damn.

tattoo needle, am I right? Yep. You can say that again. The second favorite needle after the damn tattoo needle. This guy's got so many tattoos. He's getting them all to move, too. It's like, what do you think the tattoo needle is a heroin needle or something? He might be so stupid that he thinks that actually, he sees black tar heroin.

He hears that. He sees the little black ink in the tattoo needle. He says, well, that's got to be that thing. He takes it. He says, this actually hurts instead of feels like amazing good. This hurts. and they drill out of a picture. This is even better than heroin.

It's actually a really strong point by us. Do you have another story? This is the last one. So you guys have to make this one count. His name is Frederick the Great, and he is the most handsome horse in the world. Yeah, and I fucked him. Except for Tom Hanks, the horse.

Who's a handsome guy? Brad Pitt the horse. Adrian Brody, the horse. Adrian Brody, it looks like shit. Looks like a damn plague doctor. What are you talking about? You can't say that about him. What?

He's a proud Jamaican man. That's true. I forget that. Proud white Jamaican. Adrian Brody. Like snow. Yeah. In farmer.

Is snow? Is Snow? Is Snow the Canadian rapper? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So who do you guys think one weekend update? I think I gave up pretty quick.

I think I can't. I agree. I think Caleb won. I'm sorry that I have a perfect brain for writing jokes and fortune cookies. Yeah. Well, you guys, hey, you listeners, comment below. Comment who won. Yeah.

Just like on SNL. Can we do a fortune cookie context now? Okay. Context? be careful with the accent you choose that's a really good fortune cookie that's a damn good be careful with the accent you choose

that is like perfect yeah yeah um yeah there's always a little bit more soda in the can don't you guys feel like that's true every time you think you're done with a soda you pick up the soda can you shake it around here what's this a rain stick

that I get a rain stick and salt in my yeah my And then you go to Tricky, you go, oh, it's the tab. And my, it's shredding my throat. I had a Dr. Pepper for the first time in a while today. I've been obsessed with that DC guy video. Yeah? The guy's like, as soon as you start your day with a DC, it's all downhill from there.

I mean, come on. It's a fucking D.C. I never seen it. You never seen that? No. Dude, it's so good. It's a guy with no chin sitting in his car, drinking a Diet Coke, and just talk about awesome Diet Coke.

It calls it a DC. It's really good. You had a Dr. Pepper, though. I'm sorry to interrupt. Yeah. Well, Dr. Pepper, it's really good. You know that motherfucker got 23 flavors in it? Uh-huh.

It's also got some ingredient called... It starts with a pH... Fentanyl. Fent... Poop. Final nucleides or something. No shot. They got nucleides in that?

Phytol... Is that what gives it its flavor? Final nucleus. They have the final nucleus in that? Favorite. Flavor? Is it pepper? I think that could be.

Flavor bubble? I never thought I would like a pepper-flavored soda water. But damn, if Dr. Pepper doesn't hit the spot. It's true. I never thought I'd like a drink in a cold can, but oh, what the hell? You know what? It does taste better in a can. What do you talk about?

Dr. Pepper tastes better in a can. I got it in a plastic bottle. I cannot believe what you're saying. That's a good fortune cookie. If it was in a fortune cookie-flavored soda can. They should just do this. Do, like, the... Fortune cookie-flavored soda.

Yeah. And it's got a fortune in it. Holy shit, dude. Under the tab. Why is there not Fortune Cookie-flavored shit? Under the tab. You're right. Because Fortune Cook is like vanilla and lemon, right?

Yeah. Vanilla lemon soda would be so good. Yeah. Well, they have that. But they don't call it Fortune cookie soda. Great. Just ruin everything for me. All the time.

Just fucking destroy every idea I have. You say they'd already exist. I said, what about shoes that make you jump? You said, there you have moon shoes. Also, if we have, say we have fortune cookie flavored soda, they print the fortune on the inside of the can, people are going to stop throwing their cans out. They're going to save them to look at the fortunes. They'll finally, these freaking homeless guys will stay out of the grocery store. That's right.

Get out! That machine's not yours. You're too close to the red box. Fortune cookie soda. You have to leave. The only soda. You're sticking up to produce. The only soda that.

keeps the homeless people out of the store. I put my apples in that plastic bag. I see a green cloud when I tie the plastic bag closed inside there. Come on, man, I gotta eat those later. That's right. What the fuck's going on, bro? I would do anything to be able to eat an apple. Yeah, you should try being a homeless freak piece of shit.

At least dressed like Aladdin. Yeah. Yeah. I think that'll solve the homeless problem. If we put them all in suits and, like, costumes and put them in Times Square and you can take a photo with them. Here's my thing. if you're homeless, right? You're, okay, you're homeless.

What do most of these homeless guys do? Hang out with a bunch of other homeless guys. Listen, buddy, your network is your net worth. Yeah. If you're homeless, you need to be hanging out with CEOs. Yep. And richest, rich hot girls. Yeah.

And then maybe, just maybe. If you work, play your cards, right? One of them will give you a job. We dress up a bunch of homeless guys like priests and the Pope, and we throw them in dime square, and then they hang out with all these rich, red scare girls. and who all day hang out in Times Square Dime Square

This guy's in another world Yeah I don't know We don't know what this means He's in this weird world Where that is a place It's a place Tell you what's a real place City Field Mets play there

Do you know that? Oh wait We could dress them all up like Mr. Mett And then it's like Mr. Mets We have like a big like family Mr. Mett family reunion It would ruin the costumes Fuck you're right

Okay well we dress them up They stink it up I don't smell like a fucking Nintendo cartridge. Seventh inning. During the seventh inning stretch, we put them all in chains and put them out in the field and make them fight. You got a seven in you stretched. Yeah?

Mm-hmm. I got seven in me? You put a seven in you and stretched you. Yeah. What stretches? I don't know. I don't know. Could be any part of your body, buddy.

I don't know. You tell me. I'm just a little. little girl. Wait, what? You're a little girl? What? You just run that shit back.

Run that shit back. What did you just say? I'm a little boy. I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what you said. That's not what you, stop reversing. I'm a normal guy.

I'm a normal guy. Oh, he's stuck. I'm a normal guy. I'm a normal guy. How do we fix him? I'm a little girl. What? Uh, uh, uh, uh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, B.

DJ, funk flags do you remember the the babies I was talking about this the other day the babies

like during his like rant where it's like like you're not sucking dick in the parking lot put your phone up yeah

and that what are you saying like something like oh like you're not getting AIDS or whatever as soon as he says AIDS

well I mean he doesn't the DJ does a drop that's like like two gun shots two gunshots then he says these people don't know

they don't know man I mean, he doesn't, he doesn't, it's not that he's homophobic, he really, and this is, it's admirable, he respects the sanctity of a parking lot. I don't want to walk out there and see, you know, I have no problem with them, but I don't want to see a demon or devil doing its business out there. I don't want to go out there and see, you know, whatever it is, a man tricking another man. I don't want to see that when I'm walking out of the parking lot, you know, and that's fine. And it's nothing, it's just, don't do it in the parking lot. Yeah. If you want to punch your ticket to hell in the sanctity of your own cave, do that, but not in the parking lot.

Hey, how about you, how about you do it at freaking Whole Foods or the liberal shop? Yeah. Whole Foods, because a lot of these liberal things, think, uh, eating, we think a hole is food to them. Yeah, absolutely. Because they're so gay. And they don't even eat steak. And they don't even, they don't even eat a whole steak. They think chicken is a...

They think chicken is a cow, basically. They think chicken is a cow, and that salmon is real food, which is not. They think a Beyond Burger... Yeah, it's going to send you beyond heaven past it back all the way around to hell, where you'll probably live forever. Absolutely. Yeah. Oh, and The Impossible Burger, it's impossible for you to get into heaven after you eat that.

It's red, but it never died. If something is red and never died, that is one of the most evil things. things of all time. You know what else is red? You know what's living inside your belly? What else is red? What else is read? The magma in the heart, the hoary depths of hell. Where the devil lives and he pokes you. That's right. Tell them. And you know what? These people

these people, they're eating, they're eating soy products. Well, guess what? Yo soy devil. And I'm welcome you into hell hell. That's right. Yeah. Yes, sir. You're in kale. You're going to hail, boy. You're going straight to hail. You'll be cailed.

Oh, you like Swiss chard? You're going to be charred and burned to death. Just like the Swiss. Already going to hell. That's right. That's right. You're going to get killed by the volcano in hell. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, because your flag's a cross. Yeah, you're taking a ginger shot. Hey, I got a thing. Your things are shot. That's right. Your things are shot. I'm going to shoot your thing.

Oh, you're LGBT. Hell will see thee pretty soon. God damn it, dude. Oh. that it was you're talking about food I don't think that I just thought it was a funny rhyme

I don't think that though we're talking about food though you're supposed to talk about food All right How about just be though Okay The bees are going to hell Yes

Everyone else You will be You will be You will be Oh your be Torture eternally You will be You will be in hell very soon

Yeah Yeah Okay Well there's eight seven seconds Six seconds Five seconds What was it On you guys

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