Podcast About List - UNLOCKED: SULLIVAN QUEST Part 1: A Frog‘s Journey

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

PART II of this is out today on Patreon! Subscribe to the $10 tier to listen! In the near future, Patches is well past his podcasting prime. The years have taken a toll on him -- and despite his success, he feels empty and without purpose. But when he gets a call from his agent Price Money about the chance to create an audio novel, Patches feels inspired in a way he hasn't in years. This is Part I of the epic story of the telling of the playing of the video game Sullivan Quest. Starring @senator_gun as Future Patches // Sullivan // et al. @kaiklops as Bullyfrog the Toad @jakebrodes as Uncle Jake @len0killer as Nephew Thomas @podaboutlist as "Caleb, Cameron, and Peter" with @cringe_genius as Price Money and introducing Mrs. Evolved as Belinda Croaks artwork by @TheAverageJoey "Theme from Sullivan Quest" written by Miguel Gallego (@thebad69) go listen to Miserable chillers on Bandcamp

The year's 2042, the summer day in Brooklyn hot as hell and I'm swinging my balls off because President Xi turns off amenities between 1 p.m. and 5 p.m. on weekends after Weird Al Sun made a song parody of the Chinese National Anthem. My phone is ringing upstairs. It's my agent. It's gonna change my life forever when I pick up that call. But right now I'm sitting on the balcony, dangling my little toesies between the banisters tossing eggshells at the crackheads sleeping on my brownstone stoop trying to scratch his corny and somewhat unconsciously but i know what i'm doing when my when yeah my phone's ringing so my first instinct screamed for my wife then i remember out you know she took the kids on vacation

again she always takes the kids on vacation that's you know we have these two uh miserable little red-headed shits and that's her side of the family in every way and I don't care

what they say about recessive genes you know that's all her shit because I'm 5-7 alright I'm swarthy you know

with a little less than generous hairline of a beautiful thick brown Mediterranean hair and she's a 6-1

Scandinavian mut of some kind so you know whatever freak you know northern in Italian blood or Sicilian bullshit I have and me, you know, it's not nearly as responsible quantitatively and, uh, qualitatively, right? Then the sanguine concoction, courtesy of the

fucking hill people she sprang from for the redhead thing. Anyway, she's always taking the kids and, and they're these awful little kids, really awful, twins, hmm. Completely dead behind the eyes. and that's my fault really I was touring nine months out of the year for for a better part of the decade and selling out venues

everywhere across the planet podcasting night after night after night I probably should have been home and my wife's a cardiologist smart lady but overpaid and underworked she could have done something

She couldn't bother with kids Not when they were Not when they were infants So she passed them off to my poor mother Who was a disaster at the time And it continues to be a disaster Since my father Died in the bathtub thing he did

With the rope And so those little pukes My stupid fucking kids had free reign They were posting No app apologies When they were three and a half To give you an idea Of what was going on

You know, I have a buddy who knows President Xi, like, knows him. And he said his kids, the ones with whatever her name, his fourth wife. Olivia Rodrigo. His kids with her. They were weaned off all that shit before anybody else knew about the thumb cancer or the Palantir squads, killing Tim Cook, all that shit. So he knew, of course he knew, but I didn't know. Nobody knew really, but I didn't know too, right?

So I have these dead-eyed free kids addicted to the internet and they hate me. And my wife and I, I guess, are still together because whoever she's fucking isn't interested in marriage. And I think she wants a shot at a real one. Not the real thing. Maybe. So anyway, my phone rang. Right? It's ringing.

I'm yelling for my wife. She's not there. So I tossed another egg shell at that crackhead who, honestly, looking back, you might just... Might just been some Amazon guy. You know, you can't really tell, because so many of them are the... Those metal dogs, right? The Boston... The Boston dogs.

So you just see a skinny guy who looks like he hasn't eaten. They're slept in three days and you think, uh... You know, whatever. It's just some fucking crackhead. They're being round up anyway. So, they might as well, you know, throw an eggshell. But so... So anyway, I walk to the third floor.

So I have to do that. to do that. I go upstairs and I have to pick up the phone and I pick up the phone. It's my agent. Hey, Price. Patchy, how you doing, buddy? I'm all right, man. Why are you calling me, though? I told you. Email only. I know. I understand, but I wouldn't call you unless it was something really special. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I'm not pulling your dick, Patchy. I'm serious. Hey, I wish someone would.

Oh my God. Yeah, see, that's what I like to hear. That's actually hilarious. Okay, so remember when you and the boys... Don't. Okay, right. So, you and the, um... the podcast about betraying patches. That's right. When you all toured for a while, and we stopped in Nashville one night,

and you got your head stuck in a sink, and that girl pulled you out. The one with the ass. What was her name? It was like Sarah or Serena, something with an S? I don't remember her name, but her ad was Tina Fuego. Yeah, Tina.

Okay, so it turns out the cash app was bullshit. Because her dad created a chemical that wiped out the homeless in San Francisco after the first cataclysm. And so I've been blackmailing her and I think she can get you a good audio book deal. I paused for a moment there. Even when I worked with those traders

and I was putting out some of my best shit making more money than I knew what to do with. Book deal was all I ever gave a shit about. This Tina girl was really that rich. Maybe I really could become... The guy who wrote and recorded one of the great American Wang Shisham Province audio novels. You're not yanking my cock price? No, this is 100% brother. It's real.

So, you got something I can show people, or what? The real answer was no. But I said, no. Sorry, I didn't catch that. I got nothing. I mean, uh, nothing good enough right now. It's, it's, uh... Okay, so, don't get in your head about it.

Just give me anything. Literally just give me whatever. Okay, okay, okay, uh, can, a week? Give me a week. I have this, um, manuscript, yeah, that I'm working on. Give me a week to punch it up. Does that sound? That's great. Yes, a week is perfect. Thank you so much. This is going to change our lives, man, okay? Yeah, and I really believe that. I'm not just saying that. And I, and people have been waiting for this, uh, forever. And I, that's also true. And the comeback is here, baby. And that, uh, all, I believe all that shit. So, I'll call you in a week.

All right, the chat. Fuck. So after drinking my chemical peel smoothie and doing poppers for what felt like 30 minutes. I felt ready to turn something out. You know, pen the paper, microphone to audacity program. But staring at that blank. That AUP file thinking, what hell was I going to say? started to panic. It was always easier when it was the four of us together. Even after I suspected

that they'd betrayed me, the pod boy, pod traders. They always made this look a hell of a lot easier than it is and made me feel like I could do it too. Now for them on my own and my perfect beautiful Brooklyn brownstone with my fat-titted wife and lose her children. It's not the same. Maybe that's... Maybe that's what I have to do, though. I have to record something that recreates that feeling.

You know, that feeling of telling stories and jokes with your boys. Recording something for each other. Not for anyone else, not even the audience. Hanging out, staying up all night, watching dash cam bids, watching the Stupid fucking movies

Made by whack jobs And building our own Stupid weird mythology Around all the moron shit we like Gaming is way Too late into the evening Buying each other joke gifts Building children on the internet

Doing it all again the next day Before we got huge Before we played at the garden before that plane crash killed Chapo before Wang Shisham before the Blue Check killings I pressed record It should start kind of classic

Like Princess Bridie kind of thing Right so An uncle telling a story to a nephew Not like a grandpa to a grandson Something different An uncle telling a story to a nephew A fantastical story. You know all the beats, you know how it's supposed to go.

But, you know, you know that I know, too. Whoa, sunny boy. How about I read you a bedtime? Yeah, redo it. I cut out. Fucking, God damn it. You did, I heard one, and then that was it. I was like, why did he start at one?

All right. We got to do another countdown. Well, Sunny boy. How about I read you a bedtime story? Uncle Jakey, I don't want another bedtime story. I want to play video games. Well, Tommy Boy, what if I told you there were video games in the book? Ah, can I play those instead?

Oh my sweet, sweet Tommy boy, you can't play video games in a book, but you can't imagine them. Imagining stuff is always better than actually doing it. Ah... Okay. Well... Read the story then, Uncle Jakey. And make sure you keep in all the scary bits. I can fucking handle it.

I know you can, my Thomas. Well, once upon the time there were three friends. Caleb, Cameron, and Peter. And they're about to play a video game. Okay, and then we'll have another layer. And this time, it's three friends who are hanging out, and one of them brings a video game off them. And those guys are a bunch of...

You know, they're mourning their friend who died, who they never, who they have never betrayed. Yeah, yeah. Hey guys. Can you knock, dude? Seriously, Pete, what if Caleb and I were doing something privately? Well, how could that be? There are no secrets between us. That's true.

Yes, that is true. I mean, we'd never take a trip with Steve Harvey to the UAE without any of us, right? Definitely not. Especially not Patches, who died defending a thousand women from a shark. That's right. Anyway, I got this new game I wanted us to play. It's an RPG called Sullivan Quest. I think it could be really fun and

reminds me of patches who died, beloved, and was never betrayed. Cool. Pop that bad boy in. Press start! Don't mind if I do. And then the final layer, that's the game. Hello? Where am I?

You must strike now, Sullivan. The organism demands it. Oh, organism? What am I in school? What's going on? Oh God, I didn't study for this test. I'm gonna fail. Pencils down, please.

Oh, no, I didn't even finish. Oh, no, now I'm making it at the sports. make it at the sports ball championships oh god oh no it's a it's another bad dream and now here at the sports ball arena we have solvins the frog on the field who is showing us one of the worst bodies of all time am i seeing this right jack oh that's right that's right steve this is probably the worst body i've ever seen in my history playing the sport and uh i played it a lot that this was, maybe the worst body I've ever seen, disgusting in almost every way, even for a frog. Oh no, my poor, sweet Sullivan, I can't believe you're such a sticky and loom.

Mama, no, not you too. Oh. Oh. This is the gun, City Police. Open up. You're under a rind. I'm Sullivan the frog guilty of all charges. May God have mercy on your soul.

You got the wrong guy. You got the wrong guy! You must strike now, Sullivan. Now Sullivan, strike at the organism, cleave it and twain. It's a dream, just a drink, just a dream, just a dream, this is no dream, frog. This is your nightmare! It says press A to wake up! Just press it.

What a terrible dream. Oh, Sullivan! Happy birthday! Oh, dear. Oh, Sullivan, baby, I didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry about that. And look, now you fell out of your bed and took one point of damage. That means you only have one point left. Ah, it's okay, Mama.

Thanks for wishing me happy birthday. Of course, sweetheart. Fifteen years old, you're nearly a man. I can't believe my own two froggy eyes. Well, come downstairs when you're ready. I have your favorite. breakfast prepared. Spanacopoda.

Really? That's right, sweetheart. Oh, thank you, Mama. I know Gun City outlawed Greek cuisine last year, so that means a lot. Anything for my special little tadpole. Oh, Mama. Well, I'll see you downstairs, hon.

Just use the directional buttons to move and press A to interact with any objects or characters around you. Gee, Mama sure is sweet. I better go downstairs right away and eat that Spanacopida before mom goes to jail for making Greek food. So, you can move around now, I guess. Oh shit, Pete.

Try to read what's on his desk. Is it gonna make that noise every time he moves? God, tablet, checks a little stats. Wow, he really only has 2 HP. He has no weapons or armor either. Wait! Oh, no, he has a banana peel. Banana peel.

Use it, dude. He just slipped and fell and died. Hello? Come on, you fuck-ass game. Why would they make this unskippable? And so they watched the intro all over again. But Sullivan did have his span of Coppita, and it was delicious. And he gained back that hit point he lost.

But eventually even frogs need to go to school. Wow, I can't believe I turned 15 just this morning. I wonder if anyone will notice how much I've grown and changed since yesterday. Let me try talking to my fellow students by pressing A when I'm next to them. Fuck off Sullivan. Buck off Sullivan. Book off Sullivan. Oh, wow.

It's Belinda Crokes, the prettiest frog in school. A straight four out of ten. Should I press A to interact with her? Hi, Belinda. Oh, hey, Sullivan. Happy birthday. Wow, you remembered? Sure, why not?

Wow, I can't believe she remembered. Maybe she'll be my friend. Oh, no, it's Bullyfrog the Toad, and it's Toadies. Well, look at what we have here, Sullivan the Clyde, a total dunce and a loser. Bullyfrog, you don't mean all that now, do you? Hey, what did you just say to the boss? I don't remember him asking you to speak either. Oh, gosh.

Bullyfrog, why don't you knock it off? Oh wow, Sullivan has a girlfriend. Why don't you go back to the hole where you were born and drink gallons of poison and fucking killing yourself, you stupid bitch. Hey, don't talk to her like that. Oh, that's it. You're dead meat, Sullivan. I'll see you after school, punk. You know, you didn't have to do that.

I can take care of myself. Oh, I... I'm sorry. You stepped in, so I just felt like... Never mind, Sullivan. I have to go to class. I'll see you later. Now we're going to deal with Bully Frog after school.

Today, class, we'll be wrapping up our unit on the early days of Gunn City, with an AR film directed by Gun City High School alumnus Melanin Brooks, who made a short documentary. about Sullivan de Granoi, the worst explorer in Gunn City history. Now everyone put on your De Matrix 2 Gogs and watch the movie. Teachy need drinky. I guess I'll equip the gogs and get watching. Long ago, Gun City was a barren land.

Many explorers wished to travel to the Gun City landmass and pave over all of that shit and put up 100 applebees. One such explorer was Sullivan de Granui, a frog folk explorer, pathetic in almost every way. Hey, Sullivan, that sounds like you to a freaking tea, man. Sullivan de Granui traveled the vast wasteland of the Gun City landmass and documented his journey in a cyber journal. He traveled with many allies,

but his two dearest companions were a four-hire mercenary toad named Boulaye Kruppard, who was said to be one of the strongest mercery operatives in Blackwall. It had pronounced issues stemming from a broken household. Duh, hey, bully frog, that sounds a lot like you. Shut the fuck up! And the other, a beautiful heiress to a pharmaceutical company named Berlandella Croaca, who was said to have amazing abilities and access to a computer. Together, these three and their crew traveled the Gun City landmass wastes

before any city representatives or corporations did, and apparently saw incredible sights and made brilliant discoveries about our wonderful land. DeGran Wee documented all of it in his journal, which he called Sullivan's Quest. However, he misplaced it, so now we don't know what he saw. De Grun We tried to tell everyone about his journey, claiming that the land was not barren, but in fact a verdant paradise, but no one believed him because he seemed a little creepy. When he died, he said In many years, a young frog

Just like me will have his own quest And he will discover the truth Behind Gun City The things that none of the city officials Or corporations want the people to know Ah, the wound in my balls It is spreading to my penis And then he finally died

Hopefully, nothing like what he said Will ever happen And anyone who even thinks of trying to explore anything Or uncover anything knows exactly what would happen to them If they tried. The end.

Well, wasn't that just grand? Okay, class is now over. Take your knowledge pill before leaving and you're free to go. Tata! I think we have to leave the school now. Wait, don't just leave. Try talking to the teacher or seeing if there's like a secret item or something. I'm off the clock, Sullivan.

I'm off the clock, Sullivan. Oh, I think that's all she says. I'm gonna order a pizza. Okay, there are students talking. See if you can listen in. I heard the janitor got a new mop that can inflict poison damage. Uh, didn't he get that from his wife after she passed? Yeah, someone would have to be a real jerk to take that.

Oh, okay, we gotta go to the closet. Come on. But, Uncle Jake. Why would they do that? That's... Not very nice. Well... In video games, Thomas, sometimes you have to do something bad.

So you can get cool shit and use it to win the game. Okay. I guess that makes sense. What's on your mind, young Thomas? I don't know, I guess I'm a little, uh, warning is all. Well, let's just keep reading the book then, okay? Fine. Then what happens?

Hey Sullivan, it's after class. Time to fight. Uh, perhaps we could resolve this in some other fashion. Ha, fat chance, or as my dad would say, if you'd tell anyone about this, I will fucking kill you. Err. I'm gonna pulverize you! Ow! I took one damage. One more, and I'm dead.

I don't know how to fight. What is this? Turn-based combat I'm doing. Hey, Sullivan. Need a hand. Belinda? What are you doing here? Saving you're behind.

Look, all you have to do is select an attack and then select a target. I'll use my little hacker stun gun to shoot bully frog. It's easy. Watch. Youch! A girl? A girl just hit me? See? Now you try. Oh, God. I guess I'll select an attack. Ow! That hurt! Where did you get that moth? From a crime man in the supplies closet.

Damn it. I'm actually really strong. I have a migraine and also my stomach hurts and I'm really tired, but this isn't over, Sullivan. Wow, we won! Wow, Belinda, thanks for your help back there. Where'd you learn to shoot like that? Well, my dad was an ex-corporate operative for Asus, so he taught me how to defend myself at a young age. Wow, that's cool. Yeah, I guess. I'm missing, though.

though. Oh, I'm sorry. It's okay. He left my mom and I a ton of money when he died, making everything a lot easier. Plus, my new dad is really nice, and he's a feminist. Oh, that's great. Anyway, try to stay out of trouble, okay? And here, I got you a birthday present. It's a band-aid. You can use it to heal after you take damage. Oh, thanks. Don't mention it. Anyway, I'm going to go. See you, Sully. Huh, needo, a nickname. Well, time to get home. I wonder if Mama made me more Spanacopida for dinner.

Why does this frog want spinach pie so bad? Because it heals him. How do I open up the map to fast travel home? Fuck, I forgot to get the fucking pizza! Wait, you know he loves pizza? Patches. Yeah, that's true. He did love pizza. Pat, just hit start and go to the map and click on home.

I mean Pete. I know. I was just joking. My name is Pete. Hi, Mama, I'm home. Oh, hi there, Sullivan. Look who's here. Wow, it's my toughest nail's cousin, John Carlo, the frog. Hi, John Carlo.

Dot, dot, dot. Oh. Now, Sullivan, John Carlo's going to be watching you this week while Mama heads to Cancun. Cancun? You mean Cancun to Desert Oasis on the outskirts of Gadsville? That's right, hon. Your cousin, John Carlo, got an all-expanses-paid trip from his job doing... What is it you do again, hon? Contract killer. Right. And he gave it to me. How sweet of him.

Oh, uh, great. Well, I have to go. The laser helicopter leaves in half an hour. Ah, this is so exciting. Thank you so much, John Carlo. I really needed a vacation. No problem, Mama Sullivan. Have a good trip. Oh, I will. And please, take care of my special little tadp while I'm gone.

Oh, Mama, come on. Well, all right. I'll see you in a week. Woo! Cancun! Uh... Dot, dot, dot. Dot, dot, dot.

Dot, dot. Dot, dot, dot, dot. Uh, okay. Um, I'm gonna go do homework. It's as to see you, though, John Carlo. Uh, thanks for giving my mama a vacation. Hey, Sullivan. Yeah?

Nothing. Okay. That, that, that, that. Well, well, There was a lot of homework. I'm pretty tired now. Guess I'll go to sleep. Solvin.

Solvin, wake up. We got to go. Giancarlo, what are you talking about? No time to explain. Do you have that moppy stole? Yeah? How'd you know that's stolen the mouse? Okay, good.

What's all this noise? What's going on? They finally came for you, kid. A bit earlier than they thought they were. They? Earlier? Me! Look, I'll explain on the way, okay? Just let's go. Whoa! We got Jollybee agents. Jollybee agents? But I didn't do nothing to the government. I don't even J-Walk. That doesn't matter now. You know how to use that mop?

Yeah, yeah, I guess. Good. You're gonna need it. These jolly bees are pretty speedy. Try using your frog arts. Not frog arts? All frogs have the ability to use frog arts to do some serious damage. Neither Gun City nor the Stakem's Federation of Bodies and Spaces wants you to know that though. Just concentrate on your happy place.

A place where frogies left to hop and smile and eat delicious flies. Then, select the frog arts option in the combat menu and let a rip. Bro, okay, I'll try. I'll try. Whoa! I just shot magic from my mouth! Nice work, Sullivan. You took him out in one shot.

Hmm. A mouth caster. It's pretty rare. Uh-oh, watch out. Here they come. Now it's my turn. Whoa! John Carlo's dual naginata.

And his gun! Come on Sullivan, let's go! Guess I gotta follow John Carlo! Okay, I got the pizza. Finally. Okay, buddy, next time you can get the pizza. Maybe I will. Guys, shut up. They put Sullivan on a motorcycle.

Stop rocking around the sidecar, stop swinging your mop, but the enemy's coming by. This is like a... A mini game, I think. Let me play. No! I said we'll switch off after I die. Yeah, but this whole intro, you're never going to die, so it's not fair. Well, the next time you can get a game and bring it to your friend's house, then you can play it first.

And then cable said, I love pizza. Yum, yum, yum, yeah. Uncle Jake, I'm starting to get really, really, really, really. Really. Really, really? Really sleepy. You think we can wrap this up soon? Now, now, hold on.

There's just a little bit more. Uh-oh, it's the nightmare assassin. The nightmare assassin! Sullivan, you gotta drive the motorcycle. I'll hop in the sidecar and hold them off until we break the city barrier. Oh God! You can do it, kid. Just drive! We meet again, John Carlo.

Dad, dot, dot. What's the matter? Flying out your tongue? This will be able to see. The board will not stand for this betrayal. And after all they've done for me, right? Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, let's get this over with.

How's your way? Time for my ultimate attack. Step on it, Sullivan. Hurry! Here we go, here comes the barrier! Ah! Hmm, that young frog is impressive. Could he be? Hmm.

We'll have to find another way. Move out, operatives. We did it. We broke the barrier. Nice driving, Sullivan. Thanks. What was all that? Why were they after me?

You said you'd explain! I will. I promise. But we'll only be safe outside of the city limits for a little while. Then they'll be after us again. Never mind all the creepy creatures out here. Let's get moving. We have to get to the base. The base?

What do you mean? First, we're going to have to walk a little bit to get there. Got to be careful, though. A lot of random encounters between here and there. Let's go. Why there's so many monsters? Feel like we walked half a mile and we just had to fight like a hundred guys. We don't worry about that any longer. We're here.

What? I don't see anything. It's just under there. Where? Underwear. That was good. You got me. Thank you. Thank you. Underware, though. I don't see anything but the wasteland that surrounds Gun City. Huh, the wasteland. Look, I'll show you.

Just have to knock on the ground like so. Whoa, the ground's splitting open. Whoa. Stairs? What's down there? Somewhere safe. Somewhere special. Come on. Oh my god, this place is amazing.

So wet and warm and frogs everywhere. Welcome to the pine, Sullivan. Your quest begins here. Man, I'm beat. That last part was tough. I think I'm gonna head home. You want to play this again tomorrow? If we have to. I just wish Padges were here.

He was our most loyal friend and his death hurts us all forever. If he were some bitter, balding podcaster with fat kids and a stupid bitch wife, he would still be cool. But he's definitely cooler dead, where everyone can miss him. When I stopped recording, I was hard as shit. This is it. People were gonna fucking lives. Goodbye, Brooklyn Brownstone. Hello, Westchester McMansion.

But seven and a half minutes of work was tough, especially at my age. So I smoked some medical K2 and seized my recliner until the sun started to set. When my eyes were rolling to the back of my head and my heart rate was soaring, I tried to remember the last time I'm recording felt that good. I thought if I can capture this feeling again and again, I'll not only have created a Great American Wong-She-Shong province novel. I'll have found the first thing to fulfill me and God knows how long. But what to call it?

Storytime with Uncle Jake? Maybe. Maybe. The three gaming friends? As told by Uncle Jake? Hmm. Clunky. Maybe just...

Maybe just solving quest? Yeah. Yeah, that's about solving quest, yeah, yeah, that's, yeah, that's, yeah, that's, yeah, that's the one. Ooh, Sullivan Quest, baby, that's the one, yeah, Sullivan Quest, yeah. Thank you. I'm going to be able to be. I'm going to be able to be. Thank you.

I'm We're going to be able to be. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.