UNLOCKED: Trebuchet Village Part 1: The Force of 10,000 Dragons
00:00Once upon a time, on the planet E bomb, long before Gun City and the arrival of earthlings, before the Tomogachis and the Crayolas, before the void and the cataclysm.There was a great war between the police, the ultimate good, the light of the universe,the saints of decency, joy, and love, and the terrifier, an ancient evil, unknowable, and untraceable,the thing that goes bump and grind in the night and bump and grind in the day.The war lasted almost a day, but everyone's tongues started to hurt, so it really needed to end so people could go home and watch TV.And the Terrifier won.Elves, men, dwarves, gnomes, all manner of mortal creatures of decent disposition were forced into slavery, or killed, or eaten, or all three.But just as quickly as the Terrifier won, he vanished.
01:26presumably to terrify some other summers.In his stead, he left the terrifier's kingdom to his gnarves.Furry monsters with a gnarled underbite, bulging yellow eyes of bat's nose,six legs like a mutated tripod with talons on the ends,two arms and a penis that acts as a scorpion tailthat whispers dark thoughts into their weird little ears.They did their bests to rule over the or.forks, goblinoids, and other nasty creatures who could finally live the brutal, bloodied life of their dreams.
02:02For years, however, these Nards battled one another for supremacy as they always did,killed one another, drank, fought, started wars, enslaved that conquered, and did it all over again.Eventually, even some of the unrulyest of Nards grew tired of the ceaseless fighting.But it was all they knew.The terrifier made all these horrendous monsters to do one thing, terrify.but without their leader, they were aimless, self-destructive, and soon, possessed by the worst of things, on we.They began to turn to literature of how things once were, but none of them could read.They cautiously approached their learned slaves and asked them for guidance.
02:44We want to be normal, said King Nardwar.We want to not kill each other.We want to use soap and be nice.We want to see if plumbing would be good for usIf not, just maybe pick a place to shitRather than just wherever we're standingAnd I want to singSaid one gnaud
03:04Shut upAnd King Nardwar swallowed this nard holeAnd slapped his belly and saidOoh, you betchaThen, possessed by lucidityHe said, See, that's not how we should solve problemsI have eaten too many guysI don't want to eat guys
03:22and so over time the slaves were freedelves humans dwarves and the likewere able to live amongst the nardsto help show them how to be regularthis did not sit well with all the nardsor other denizens of the terrifier kingdombut so the threatoops nope and so the threat
03:40of a greater war loomsone of the cornerstones of this growing trendof teaching nards how to be regularwas adventuringadventurers from far and wide scoured thekingdom for lost treasures of being normal, or to free communities still under the tyrannical ruleof slavers. They sought ancient magics, fought dark wizards, and befriended beasts that lurked beneaththe planet and ruled its skies. Such adventurers were few and far between, but there were
04:09three such intrepid fellows nestled into the armpit of the kingdom, a small village that restsoutside of King Nardois' claw castle that's shaped like a claw, trebushet village.Trebushet Village is a bleak and vile little placewas filled with nasty peasants and monsters and evil magicand a remarkable, peerless cruelty extended towards anyoneunfortunate enough to live in the damn place.The stench of death and shit hung low and heavy,followed by the stench of foot,
04:37then the stench of death, then the stench of shit and death again,rounding it out.The town has all the trappings of a real place, though,including a lovely little general storerun by Ye Old Sullivan the Frog.It's Trebushay Village is first in hundreds of years,and it gets robbed only bi-weekly by orcs, nards, and the like.To run such a general store and protect it,
04:59ye old Sullivan hired three expert retail sales associates,each of whom, unbeknownst to the other,moonlight as adventurers themselves.Who are these three adventurers?Well, that's enough out of me.At this point, I'll let them speak for themselves.So, who are each of you?Let's start with you.
05:19DoganHello everyoneMy name is Dogan the dirt goblinMy whole life I've loved dirtI was born as an orphanWith no mother or fatherAnd I grew up on my own dirt farmTending to my crops
05:36And selling dirt at the local farmer's marketIt was a boring but fulfilling lifeAnd one filled with dirtOne day though I was struck with a visionI walked out to my fieldsAnd saw a burning dirt bushA voice boomed forth from it.What's up? It said.
05:51This was the voice of Dogan the dirt god, my namesake.I swore devotion to him immediately and became a paladin, a bold warrior spreading the gospel of dirt.I left my dirt farm under the care of my adoptive little brother, Dogan the Dirt Cobol'sand moved to Tribusay Village, where I took the first open room I found on Craig's scroll.This room happened to be the cramped basement of a minotor hype house,which has led to a lot of comedic and silly, almost animal house-esque situations,that maybe could be explored in the future,but also could just be left alone.
06:22By day, I work at the old Sullivan's general store,where I sweep dirt onto the floor from outside.My boss is awesome.He is so nice, and I respect him deeplybecause he has years and years more experience than me.I can't see that ever-changing.By night, I'm a daring adventurer,striking the fear of dirt into the hearts of monsters
06:40with my trusty shovel, which is named Dogan, the dirt shovel.By the time between day and night, I sleep or something, I guess.thank you dogan right now are you just sweeping dirt then in the general store yeah i'm i'msweeping dirt but i'm also not satisfied with how much dirt i'm bringing in so i'm also likepicking up dirt and putting it in my pockets and sprinkling it around the floor tooyes and you are a paladin a level one paladin for for folks uh who uh that's importantfor them um and uh it's just some of them right you wield a warhammer um it's a shovelyeah it's a shovel it's a war shovel it's a war shovel I apologize right
07:18you're uh yeah and you have a one other item that's prettyinteresting which is a pouch of forever dirtum we don't have to get into that now if you don't want toum but it's pretty pretty cool um yeahyeah it's your secret um I apologize then for even saying anythingyeah and so now uh we'll we'll sort of look over uh in the storein Sullivan's General Storemaybe hanging out by
07:48theDoug La Burger'sdeli counterisPatrick Yodar?Patrick Yodar.Patrick Yodar.What's up?
08:04Hi, how's it going?My name is Patrick Yoder.I'm the nephew ofTrunchable Yodar, one of the mostfamous explorers in allof Trebuechay Village.and I am writing that out until I eventually die.How do people get famous in these times?
08:21I have actually, I have no idea.I have no idea how somebody becomes famous nowadays.Basically, do you just walk up to somebody and say something like,hey, I'm a famous guy, and they believe you?I really have no idea.I've seen Uncle Trunchbull do that a few times, and it's worked.And, I mean, really, there is no way for you to provewhether or not somebody is
08:45famous in these timesand my uncle could just betaking credit for some other Verdanand I would be none the wiserhonestlyI live a pretty lavish life in the shadowof my uncle and it's taught me onevery important life skill
09:01and it's shopliftinggod damn god damn do I loveshoplifting oh manyou know I could I could walk into any shopin Trebusier village and just sayhey I'm Trunchpole Yodonnephew and they would at least give me a free fruit or something but uh no i think it's funny toshoplift uh that's my thing it's awesome uh you're something kind of funny about me i have a
09:25comically large balls absolutely absolutely huge balls it's very comical a lot of people laughand hey i get it uh anyway i've uh i've been working at sullivan's general store because i thinkit's funny. I think it's funnyto work with poor people.My uncle is so rich that I cando that for fun. Can you believe it?Anyway, that's enough about me. What about you?Damn. That, the
09:52Alda is so good.Fuck.You mean Alda? It's a Yodar.Yeah, what the fuck you type? Are you stupid?I'm sorry.Atrice Yodar.Oh, yeah. So you'rea Verdan, uh, or
10:06a Verdon. I actually don't knowthe technicalpronunciation of thatthey area goblinoidraceI think they're inthey're in acquisitions incorporated
10:22is the source book they're fromso I don't know if that'sI don't know much aboutAcquisitions Incorporated but it's a coollooking race they're sort of likesmart inquisitivegoblinsand yeah they also have
10:39What's interesting is they have like a sort of weird growth spurt that they go through at some point.So they sort of start goblin-sized, garblin-goblin size and then like kind of grow bigger when they're going through puberty or something.Yeah.And so you're hanging out by Doug La Burger's deli counter.Is he serving you up a flesh burger?Hey, Doug, how about you?How about to just slide me one of those burgers right there?Yeah, no problem, Patrick.
11:05Oh, great.You're one of the best guys that works here.I absolutely love you.You're one of the, you're one of my favorite, you're one of my favorite employees here.I believe you every time you say it.I love you too.Oh, I love you.I love you so much.
11:17I would kill somebody for you if I had you.Hey, hey, you just might.Play your cards right.Oh, trust me.I mean, at times like these, we love violence, don't we?Yeah, always.Always love violence in the Terror Fires Kingdom.Mm-hmm.
11:32It's absolutely fantastic.I love, I love just getting my short sword,under somebody's neck.He sort of likelaughs to himselfand like shuts down the conversation.Don't you just love it?Don't you just love it when you're
11:53Yeah, yeah, yeah.Yeah, yeah.I mean, it's just like a do-it-yourselftrachiotomy.It's amazing.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Mm-hmm.All right, you're going to give me that burger now?
12:06Yep, here it comes.All right.Thank you.so much thank you you you're beautiful and we uh we sort of move a little bit past the counterand we see another uh fella uh um uh this time a dwarf of some kind one evil steveloh before actually i should mention sorry didn't mean to take the thunder there uh patrickyodar is a rogue uh for whatever that's worth the people um uh again it's firstSo not a lot of subclasses or sub anything already decided.
12:42But yeah, he's a rogue.Sorry, yes, please.Evil Stevel.So I'm Evil Stevel and I'm bad.Badder than a weasel with a needle.Better than a beaver that's a cheater.Better than a threesome with a cheetah.Better than a pizza on a pita.
13:03That's why they call me Stevel or evil.I'm a hill dwarf clericI'll use my magic to deceive youI'm also a Christianso I really hate the devilI'm stevedlike Steve and evilI'm wide like a beetle
13:20and I'm short likelike a beetleyeah so what I'm lethalbut I'm still evilevil evilstevalso evil stevil is a cleric uh an evil cleric of the death domain yep um so uh death domain is prettycool they have sort of take and invert the life domain yeah all right they do necrotic damage
13:53they don't really do too much healing it's sort of a uh damage dealing cleric type um and yeah he's a dwarfa hill dwarf soit's pretty coolso what do youwhat do you do in the storeevil steve like what's sort of yourI knock the cans off the shelvesyou know
14:17Sullivan pick these up manSullivan I thinkI think some of them are brokenI think you might have to put that in the inventoryif you don't do it now I'm knocking more cans overyou don't want to you don't want to see this guyknock any more cansI mean, it's just one of the only three guys in the town who won't just try to eat me, so...
14:37There go the refried beans.Please stop.Okay, let me...Oh, no.I think that was the last game.Sullivan, I respect so deeply how you're handling the situation.There goes to okra.I'm your biggest man.
14:48Oh, no.Oh, no, not the okra.That is going to ruin some customers night.Please, we only have three produce in the aisle.Chili's in the dobo sauce off the shelf.That's the third product.I'm outThere are actually
15:05seven aisles in Sullivan'sstoreproducefleshtoolsalcohol alcoholand knick knacksand then Doug La Burger
15:18Deli FreshI guess isn't an aislebut more of a stationso yeahyou guys are sort ofit's sort of towards the end of the dayyou know you're kind of eagerall of you are eager to get out for a couple
15:31of reasons, which we'll get into, but one of which is today's a big day in the kingdom ofthe terror fire.It is the murder celebration because the prince, Prince Jumanji, is turning five, which is the ageof murder.So, you know, you're all eager to get out, and there's festivities, but also each ofyou have sort of a job to do with the festivities, which we'll get into. But before you can dothat, and while Sullivan is sort of trying to stack the shelves, stack the cans back up, butEvil Stevel is just a few inches taller than him. So he just is able to like sort of stuff it
16:18in his face. You like that? He doesn't like it. No. I can tell. I can tell looking over herethat he does not like it. You're something about you, Patrick Yoder. It's just just so serving.I have to say, thank you.It's probably these big-ass balls.It could be these balls.I mean, I'm just sitting on these things.I have not done a lick of work today.No, I've watched.
16:45I know.I'm taking advantage of well.And Sullivan's distracted talking to those two.I'm like shoveling dirt in, like, just huge shovel of dirt.I'm filling the doorway with dirt.And Sullivan, I know this is probably not a good time.I need an advance in my Patreon.check. Oh, well, I already gave you an advance today. Yeah, I'm going to need a, I'm going to need like
17:07the next, uh, you want the next one too. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to need the next one advanced.So it's just the last, so the advance I gave you today was sort of the third advance.So this is now, it's fine. Don't know what we'll, we'll eventually figure out. It's,it's going to be five advances. No, and I understand because, you know, we're all trying our best.He's already like writing the check for you.and you see pushing through the dirt pile that you madeoh yeah uh dogan are three grimlocks and grimlocks and grimlocks are just nastylooking fucked up guys they have their brow is so deep down sort of a what's his name
17:58you know, from Highlander that they are blindand they have stringy long hair and a bald crownand they're kind of, and these are clearly teenagegrimlocks and Sullivan knows them well.And so you could see he's already, as he hears them come in,and it's the three of them,and here's, there's three and one of them goes like,well, it looks like we're going to start messing this place up.
18:20It's going to be a good time.It's like that's way ahead of you.Yeah, this guy gets it.maybe we shouldmaybe we should knock over one of the shelvesand the third one goesI know exactly what he was sayingand Sullivan says please no
18:37the grimlocks are back can you guys pleasetake care of itah Christ all right I guess I canI can get off my balls for a little bitI get itI get itit's so tempting to sit on themI've had thoughts
18:55it's uh it's actually it is one of the most wonderful feelings sorry do you have room oh yeah actuallyhop right on you can i'll move i'll move over to the left one and then you can get on the rightoh my god wait is that a massage function i feel on my back oh yeah i had that installed last weekoh my god yeah yeah necromancer put that in there it's actually uses the uh uses the uh thethe leg bones of a lot of a dead men that's incredible yeah yeah it's amazing what they're doingwith magic nowadays.So you guys are just like having this conversationand the grimlocks are like looking at you
19:34like expecting you to say somethingand the bigger,dumber one goes, what?What do you want? What do you want?What do you want?What's up? Do you want to sit on my balls right now?Is that? No.Hey, look, there's a little bit more room in the front.
19:52I think I can get one or two of them.view right here and then I think around theback. Roll up, roll up persuasion check.Are Grimlock's tall orare they goblin size or how big are they?They're like medium size, a little bigger.15 persuasion. These ones are teenage, so they'relike kind of just medium size. Yeah, you see
20:08one of them, he's like, the big guy's like,oh, the bald, it looks comfortable.And you see the leader one is like,hey, knock it off. We're not going to sit onno, no nasty Verdant'sballs. Hey, come on now. Come on now.Why are you going to throw that in there?Excuse me, gentlemen.
20:23But when you guys came in here looking to cause trouble,it seems he may have already caused a little bit of trouble with mewithout even realizing it.Did you notice that beautiful pile of dirt that you just knocked out of the way?I'm going to need you guys to go back outside,take some trowels, and put that back to how it was before,because I will not be having this.You don't want to mess with that guy's dirt.
20:46Oh, yeah.What's he going to do about it?Hey, hey, come on.Come on now.Let's not use that language.What did he say? What did he say to me?Look, I'm not going to repeat what he said.Okay, can you, all right, well, write it down and tell me later.
20:59He says that your dad's fat.And you see him shaking his head, no, and going,oh, come on, come on, now.You don't say that about any of our fathers.I don't have a dad.I mean, I was born an orphan.Yeah, he doesn't have a dad.I said that.
21:14Didn't you guys hear me monologuing that while you're waiting outside?No, we were, we weren't listening.I hit him with my shovel.All right, roll edition.of four it's a bad start 14 it's a better start that's an intelligence savingno that's wrong initiative doesn't start with an i n t i guessif you have it yeah nice okay cool all right cool so yeah uh yeah the battle the battle's aboutthe beginning i'm going to position you guys to probably where you are at this point you
21:53offered him to sit on your ballsso you're probably kind of closerI sat on his ballsyou sat on his ball so you're right next to himand you're still on his ballsso I guess you'll takethree feet of your movement speed to get uphow deep down are these damn balls
22:10dude I'm four feet tallthere's no way I'm three foot elevenyou're all really smallyeah okayso first in the order is actuallyPatrick Yodaras thegoblin
22:27that theyis in front of youlook I don'tI don't want to cause any problemsbut it seems like you already havecaused some troubleso I'm going to have to get involvedokay
22:39is that all right with youI'm going to take that as a yescoolwhat do you want to doI'm just going tohold onyeah so you can go to your actions and just look at your actionsit's under actions okay yeah that's going to be the most helpful
23:02I'm sitting on my balls and I pull out I pull a bow and arrow out from my backmy back okay I'm like all right well let me hold onokay there we go and I have the arrow in there and all right I'm going to shoot you withthis okay roll roll a hitnine nine yeah it just like you uh shoot it it just like sales past him uh christ uh sullivanlook out solvin solvin ducks underneath um uh and uh it's like please there's the whole fightingthere's a tip jar on the counter of like the blooms or whatever the fuck the money is and i justdestroyed it yeah and it is now your turn
23:51evil stevel all right i'm going to cast chill touchcan i do that yeah you can yes okay cool so with with uh uh chill touchyou have to get in touch range so you get up and you walk towards oh wait actuallyno i forgot wait chill touch dude i have a ghost hand it's a ghost hand i forgot yeah actuallyyou know what described chill touch uh so i i i create a ghost hand made ofprobably bones and blue blue it gets it gets i can touch somebody with it yes it does damage theblue blue blue ghost hand sort of like soars towards which one which one of them do you go formy right hand yeah uh no right handed chill touch no which grimlock the closest one yeah okay
24:42so the one is going yeah yeah just those fingers are going in your mouthI felt a small, like a little bit of cold and IYeah, that's why they call it chill touch, you fucking idiotHey, hey, I thought these things were going to shrinkAnd that I'm just kidding, they'll neverThey don't think they'll ever shrinkAnd that 13 is enough to hitAnd so you
25:04You just like hit this guy for eight damageAnd he's just likeIt goes into his mouthHe's likeno ain't that somethinghe treats it like a pacifierbut it's just like hurting him really badcan I pick his boogers too
25:23yeah you do thatyou get like a pinky in thereI make him eat his own boogersoh god that's gotta be some other kind of damage rightyeahyeah no he Grimlocks love love boogersI take him back out of his damn mouthhe's like he's like upset
25:39and now it's going to be the Grimlock's turnSo that one who you did the chill touch too, he's going to sort of like lumber over to you two.And he's going to try to swing at you, Patrick Yodar, which let's see how he do at that.Oh, I have the new encounter thing.Hang up the new encounter thing.So let's see how this goes.Does that work?It does work.
26:05Okay.There's a 14 hit, Patrick.Oh, oh, come on now.It does.Why did you?No, he doesn't know what that question means.Come on.Does it beat your AC?
26:17Wait, so what?You can't ask Patrick for the first time, does a 14 hit?What is your armor class?Oh, sorry.Yeah, what's your armor class?My armor class is 14.Okay, so it does beat you because the way it works in this is, it's when you meet it.When you meet it, you get it.
26:31That's the same.Simple as that.Yep.When you meet it, you got it.Hey, when you got it, you get it.Yep.When the numbers there, the numbers where?You got it good.
26:42Yeah.And so,saying for many.So it does,he does like two damage to you.Oh,no.These guys are pretty weak.
26:49They're weaker gimp room locks.Yeah.That is,that is,that is just uncalled for.Yeah.So he takes his club and goes,and just like bounces in on one of your balls.
26:59So I do.So you take two.Yeah,you're down two HP.Okay.This other one is going to go for you,Dogen.He's like,
27:08let's see how tough you are.Oh,you want a piece of me?huh yeah you're gonna swing that shovel at me huh you want a piece of this hey you want it you gonna swingthat hey i can barely see and uh he's gonna try to attack you um uh does a 12 hit probably not noyou're paladin right yeah so he tries to attack you with his club and you just like you're alittle goblin you just like fucking like do some matrix shit off the aisle like just like kickingback and forth and you're knocking over different products and solv it's like no
27:41What's up, bitch?Not the mead, the bottle of mead.And now the other one's going to go.And he's just going to sort of move towards you, Evil Stevel,and he's going to try to hit you with his club.And...No way you hit this.He hits this.
28:07He got a 21.You missed.Just no way.Don't worry.He does three damage to you, though.Didn't even hurt.Yeah, he bops you on the head.You missed.
28:19Oh, I'm like.Okay.I mean, the damage reverberated through his body, and I felt it in my ball.How to feel.Yeah, you're just like, but, but, but, but, it felt, it felt okay.Yeah.Yeah.And it is now, Dogen, your turn.
28:39That's right.I'm just going toI'm going to hit this Grimlock with my shovelHell yeah, go for it16Oh, that hitsIs the top damage for one-handedAnd the bottom damage is for two-handed
28:53Okay, I'm using a two-handedYeah, do itWait, oh I can do it over hereYeah, it was confusingThreeYeahNo, I reject thatI reject the way they do this
29:07So we'll take thethe uh we'll take the yeah no i that's ridiculous i'm gonna confuse by this because what it's themit's a 10 yeah no no what we should do is take the the the yeah let's take the the five and out of thetwo yeah let's take the seven because that's that makes more sense to me so yeah you just likewhack this guy in the head with the shovels you dodge off him off the like aisle walls and then justlike plonk just like bonk him on the head with the shovel like shovel night um andAnd just, you see him like,like, he's like reverberate, like, vibrating
29:43through his body, like a cartoon.You will respect dirt.Bye.Like, he's trying to, like, talk.And it's back to the top of the order.So it's your turn, Patrick Yodar.All right.Well, I'm a little bit upset at your actions from earlier.
30:03And it looks like you're close enough.you're close enough nowfor me to use myto poke you with my longsword I'm going to seeI'm going to see if I can do thatlet's see10 damage
30:20that is a 10 to hitand it does hit10 does hit7yeah you get the 7actuallyit's because they're in rangeyou get the sneak attack damage
30:34as wellso yeah describeyou're killing this guy.Yeah, so I'm sitting on my ballsand I just go,uh,hiya.He dies just instantly.
30:49Oh,well,hey,look at that.I mean,that is,that is what I like as a violent man.Yeah.
30:58So you see the thing,and go like,but,da,da,dude,and he just crumples to the ground,uh,
31:04dead.And you see the dumber ones like,no.Ricky, and he's very upset by that.It's your turn, though, evil stevel.What's up?What's happening?Okay. I'm going to attack that same dude who I attacked previously.
31:19Is he still alive?No, he's dead.He was one who's just killed.I will attack his dead body.Okay, cool.No, the guy, who's a guy who just hit me?Can I get revenge?Yeah, you can.
31:30Okay.He's a big, dumb guy.I will use my mace as revenge.Mm-hmm.Four.Okay.No, wait, that's just damage.That's just damage.
31:40Oh.Hit the,the plus number next to it.Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.Yeah, that hits.Yeah, that hits.Nice.So everyone doesn't think
31:49we suddenly turn stupid.Yeah.Oh, yeah.Damage.Do I do one damage?Yeah.You're about to die.Watch this.
32:01This is going to kill youin one shot.What shot one kill?Well, you tried your best, and honestly, I...Shut up, Ballynolder.I commend you for it.So you, like, wind up your mace, and you just sort of, like, puncture his tummy,and then just, like, pull it out quickly.
32:23He's like, oh!Yeah, you're probably dead now, huh?If we waited a couple hours, you'd be so dead.oh yeah and also everyonewe are using new character sheetsthat's whythey're having a little bit oftrouble right now
32:44no other reasonand it is nowthat guy's turn and he's likeand he's going to try to attack youagain with his clubhe is not very inventivehe just whiffshe just like
33:00tries to get youand he just sort of liketries to wind up to attackbut he misjudges a distanceso he just sort of attacks behind youwith the cluband bumps his stomach into your facegot blood on my damn face
33:16Oh, you're a fucking assholeHey here I have aI have a handkerchief right hereYou can use you can borrow that for a little bitThis is just a part of your ball sack skinYeah exactlyThat is exactly what it isDo you want to get the blood off
33:32face or no one of the others can't be choosers i suppose oh okay yeah you know oh okay oh off his facei got confused i actually i uh i do not like a dumb character i would not offer you any any kindof help what the hell is going on over there hey what's going on how are you doing over therehas everything i'm doing good how are you doing man i'm doing pretty good uh just you know i still gotthe massage feature on this whole time i've had it on yeahDo you like dirt?Yeah, actually, I got a house made of dirt in a...Oh, wow, can I come over?
34:10Oh, yeah, you would absolutely love it.I'm going to fuck your walls.Don't get, watch out!And meanwhile, a Sullivan yells, don't know, watch out while you say, I'm going to fuck your walls.And a club comes around and just clocks you on the face for three damage.Hey, I'm really sorry to distract you just now.Oh, that's okay.that was my fault. I'm going to fuck your walls.
34:34Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean,just carte blanche, you can dowhatever you want to my walls afterI've distracted you. Your back walls?Any, front walls,back walls. I mean, hey, you can evenfuck the floor. I don't really mind.The floor's okay then, too.
34:52Yeah, it's your turn, though,Dogen. This guy just, like, walloped you.Yeah. I'm,you know, I'm just going to hit him back. No fancystuff. Hell yeah.16. Oh, that connects.Oh, he's...Describe your kill.
35:08Okay, so I swing my shovel and I hit him in the face and he falls backwards and he hits one of the shelves and like a jar of like pured carrots or something like falls into his mouth.The carrots!Yeah, he's allergic to carrots and his face puffs up and he dies.No, carrots. I hate them because I'm allergic. They actually taste quite good.And he dies.Look at that.He died learning something about himself.He actually liked carrots.
35:39That's beautiful.Oh.I mean.And the last one, the last grimlock is just like,I'm out of here.And he tries running away,which gives both you,Patrick Yodar,
35:53and you,Evil, Stevel,attacks of opportunity if you want to take that.I'm going to shoot him with my bone arrow.I want to use my chill touch, dude.Okay.Do it up.Yeah, this is actually one of the worst things you can do
36:05Is run away from meOh, six on chill touch, dude15FuckOkaySo yeah, your chill touch, your hand just sort of likeGrasps for like the door or somethingLike it just doesn't quite
36:19Helps him get outYeahOpen the door for himYeah, pat him on the backYeahBut as it pats him on the backWhat goes through your ghostly handIs a bow expertly aimed
36:32at this guy's lungand he's likeand he just fucking fallsand collapses on the ground.That is one of the best feelingsin the world when youset out to do somethingand you hit your target.
36:44That is just amazing.I love that.And yeah,you guys killed these three teenagers.Not a problem for us.We're all 12.Yeah, you guys,you know,
37:01You're actually punching up.You guys don't know that, you know, each, the other one is an adventurer or, like, would have the skills.Like, but you know that each of you can handle yourselves in a fight.You guys have seen your fair number of fights here, but it's sort of always kind of a quiet acknowledgement of appreciation for each other's skills.You see Sullivan sort of waddle out from behind, cowering behind the counter.He says, thank you guys.And thank you guys very much.You know, that's, that's, hey, you're going to get.
37:31that advance and then some patric and uh oh amazing absolutely wonderful you can knock down the canswhenever you want you've stevely that was i've already been doing it i already got right back toknock in the yeah no keep going uh don't get less dirt if you can that's i fucking hate youthat is one of the worst things you could have said to him just less in here i love dirt everywhereWe'll see about that.So you guys close up shop for the night.We just leave the bodies in the store.Yeah, absolutely.
38:09I bury them inside the store.You see Doug LaBerger take them back to his kitchen to cook up later.I'm behind him like twirling peas and whistling.Yeah.I'm following him to go like eat these guys.And yeah, it's,It's, you know, after you guys leave the story,this is usually during this time is when each of you does,
38:34either, you know, goes back to where you live or does whatever sort ofadventuring gig you're going to do.And you guys, all three of you, have something that you're going to dobecause it is a murder day.And I'm going to let you guys know what's going on.So King Nardwar's son, Jumanji is turning five, right?Very important age.He's going to do his first kill today, allegedly.
38:59It's a very big deal when you do your first kill as a Nard.However, something that you would know, but only you would know, Dogen,because you were a paladin hired by one of the warlords under King Nardwarto protect the ceremony is because King Nardwar is doing some changes to the murder ceremony.because he's trying to show good faith to this idea of we want to try to be normal.And so he wants to hire a group of paladins that serve many different faiths,you know, different values, you know.He sort of sees them all as just sort of pussy goody goodies, you know,
39:45like he's just like, oh, these guys are protectors.They're basically dogs.I'll hire them all for this affair.And he's hiring extra security, though, because you know that he's changing some of the ceremony.You spent some time with this group of palinids now, like some nights and some weekends with them.And you started to get the sense that they don't really like you because you're the only one there who's Terrifierborn.Terrifier born.Terrifyer born are Goblinoids and Goblins, orcs, nards.
40:12Those are terrifyer born.Scarity cats are like dwarves, elves, humans.Those are scared cats.Am I under Terrifier born?You're Terrifier born.Okay.The only one of you is a scary Verdan or Verdun.Well, Verdan, Verdun.
40:27You got a scaredy cat in our party.You have a scaredy cat in your party, though.No.Courtesy him.That's not you.It's Caleb.Caleb's a scary cat, technically.What evil is?
40:37Just your race doesn't mean you're like faction.It doesn't mean yours.Well, because Terrifier, the terrifiers.It just means like your character's lame and like we'll die.It's not like, it's not.It doesn't have to do with like you.The Terrifier Kingdom, the Terrifire Kingdom looks at any elves,humans, et cetera, as people that the
40:57terrifier beat. And so they're calledscaredy cats, where if you'resomething that the terrifier didn't beat and servethe terrifier in the Great War,in the past, they're called terrifierborn. So you're not, you're notscared. Don't, you don't have, don't worry about it.You goddamn right.
41:13So,and you see that the, you'reterrifier born, though,Dogen. So a lot of the paladins aren't.There are a lot of them are guys who came backinto the paladin fold after they were freed asbeing slave. So they're not too crazyabout you. But the head of the paladin
41:29is taking a liking to you.Andyesterday, he came upto you and onyour like sort of final run throughprotection. And he saidhow'd hedo you? Oh, you're going, Bucco.
41:45I've got a task for you, a specialjob.Come, come over here. I needto tell you, that's an honorable paladin.What you have to do? It'svery, it's very, a very secretive task, please.And he sort of lead you away from the other paladins who kind of like, I'll glare at you a little bit.Yeah, I would give them a middle finger as I'm walking away.
42:07Yeah.And then you see one of them like spit on the ground.Don't you fucking spit on dirt?And you see one of them like, oh, like just like look at you, confused, like that sort of changed the tenor of the fight.And so the paladin says, so, I, the task for you.is that you will guard the young Jumanji himself.See, the king has taken a liking to you because you're terrified of born and he loves that stuff.And he's a huge racist.
42:38So all you have to do is make sure nothing happens to the boy during the ceremony.All right?It's an easy task, I think, after all, if anyone ever did anything to Jumagi,you'd have to deal with the entire kingdom.So who would want that?So are you up for the task?I promise there's a huge reward in it.you, a worthy award of a paladin.
42:58And besides me getting my balls, not getting my balls chopped off.So if you refuse.You are or you aren't?I, I, I, I, I started stumbled there.So you, you, well, I'll do it, but.Okay, good.I'm the sun clear on the balls part of it.My balls will get chopped off if you don't do it.
43:18And that's bad.Yeah.All right, okay.Yes.so you'll do it you'll do it you'll do it what yeah yeah yeah i said yeah okay okay sorrywe're standing there and like 10 seconds so you agreed to do this and so now you're returningback to the summit tonight to complete the job um and to watch over the boy and we'll we'll get tothat in a second patrick yodar after work you headed over to the orphanage
43:55for old guys, which is actually just a frontfor Sticky Fingers Joint, the Premier Thieves Guildin Trebusha Village.All the old guys at the orphanage are just thieves.They're not orphans, yeah, if that's not.So earlier this week, you went to one of Sticky Fingersafter hours hang sessions, right?So it's another flashback here,
44:19where everyone traded stories about their latest exploitsin thievery or just general roguish behavior.Sticky Fingers, of course, provides the biggest and best stories, the gang, plays games together.One is Rachel Chess, just a version of chess that was made by someone named Rachel.And there's a few classic card games like Dusty Gomer and Wave Race 64.Patrick, you've been playing, you were playing that night, Wave Race 64, on a team with Sticky Fingers, which is pretty cool.Like, Sticky Fingers kind of likes you.And it's a 2V2 trick-taking game where the goal is to advance.
44:55gold pieces you bet um so you like pick them out you want to bet and you have to advance them acrossthe river by taking tricks in the suit you're assigned so you had diamonds sticky fingers had spadesand you guys had bet a certain amount and you're trying to do this sort of trick taking game where it's likeoh that's a spade i'll try to make sure sticky fingers gets it but maybe i'll get it just in case tobuild up my side deck um it's a very fun game um and in whoever advances all their gold piecesacross to the river uh gets everything that's over thereplus 64% of the opposing team's stash that didn't bet.So that's the 64.
45:33Now, worth noting here is that you're in a thieves guild.So everyone's twirling their mustaches.They're making sneaky gestures.Cheating is always fair as long as you don't get caught.So we're in the midst of the game.You see sticky fingers.And he's a gnome.He's a little gnome.
45:51And he's like, he's like, you're ready for this, Patrick?That's a, he's a scary cat born.Yeah, I'm scared cat.We're going to wipe the floor with these guys.We're going to crush him.Yeah, absolutely.I mean, I have a few, as they say, tricks up my sleeve.Hey, hey, hey, keep him up there.
46:10But then don't keep him up there because that's what I want them.I was going to show you.I was going to show you the cards that I had hidden in the pockets of my sleeve.Look, nobody can hear me.Nobody can hear me right now.Oh, yeah.I'm whispering, this is just how...This is just how you...
46:27Just the general frequency.Yeah, this is I just...Even when I'm whispering, I talk like this.Of course.Yeah, I have a few cards up my sleeve.I have a lot of, I have a lot of them.I have very big sleeves.Yeah, your sleeves are incredible.
46:43I love them.I could fit almost anything in these sleeves.Except maybe your balls, right?No, hey, hey.Come on that.That's why we're best friends.Or at least casual acquaintances or something.I have no idea.
46:57Hey, we'll get there.I mean, our relationship is kind of, it's up in the air right now,but maybe we'll be better friends at some point.Who knows?And so we're going to do three intelligence contestsbetween yourself and the other team.And, of course, you have an opportunity in between those checksto do other means of trickery, you know?
47:18Charisma checks or decks checks,or just try stuff.Maybe you won't even have to roll.Yeah.So let's first start with the first intelligence contest.So roll an intelligence check and you'll roll against the two other guys who are all going like,yeah,man,
47:31you got a crit.Yeah,I got a crit.All right.So you just fucking read this shit perfectly.You're going to skip one of the other checks.You're just like reading the tricks perfectly.You're picking up an all sticky finger sigils he's giving you when he shows two fingers sticking together than three.
47:48And then you know what that means under the table.He's doing like doing complex shit.And you guys are crushing it.You guys have won three rounds already.And so that was one round left.You could do another intelligence check.19.I mean, yeah, you won.
48:03You don't even need to do.I was going to say like, oh, you want to try this trick.You want to try this trick.Or you could try to do this.No, you just like outplay them.Fucking purely outplay them.And they're just like, oh, man, that's pretty good, Patrick.Got to say, yep, that's the real nephew over there.
48:18That's the nephew of the great trunch bowl, you know.Yeah, that's a, that is my uncle.That is his portrait on the wall over there.Mm-hmm.One of the finest members of sticky fingers joint ever.Mm-hmm.Yep, and that's actually him sitting under the portrait, too.He's just silent watching this.
48:43Hey, Trunchbull, how you doing, you old coot?Well, you know, yeah, man, Joe.Yes, right.Yep, there he is.He is so well-spoken.I understand why he's famous.Yeah, that I get, I get all of my, all of my wit from him.You can really hear the star power.
49:02Oh, yeah.Oh, well, you know, I heard old coot.And I thought, I guess this is his voice.Oops.What's he talking to?He's old.And so, you see at this point, Sicky Figures pulls,you aside um um uh patrick yodar and he says hey i got your nose i'm just kidding you know
49:28come on now come on maybe maybe uncle's got you nose right you know he was i do have his noseit is very it's very unclear whether or not he's my father or my uncle it's uh i mean it's theolden times he he could be he could be my father and uh i think our family i mean we're my familytree could be very fucked up.Well, you know, he was, he was very impressive at his day.And, you know, I, look, so I want to help you, all right?And I want you to help you.I'll help you. I want you to help me, okay?
50:16That's how we do things in sticky fingers joint.No more working at the general store for you if you pulled this off, okay?Well, I just do that for fun.Oh, well, all right, I guess you can keep working there.Yeah, I think I might keep working there.I didn't know that about you.That's interesting.Yeah, it's fun to work with poor people.
50:33Oh, well, heavens.So, as of for Dan, you have a unique capability.You're terrified of born.See, most of the guys here, we aren't.Some of us are, you know, your uncle is, but he's, you know,so to pass his time and then we got doodoo the goblin but you know do do do oh i know oh trust me i knowdo do do is just eating a poop this is like oh you nasty whoa whoa whoa it's just like like it's just like inhis mouth um so look i got i got a task for you and it's gonna pay big bucks come with me he he
51:11he leads you into his office he uh um and uh you see that it's sort of it's verysticky. Everything there, you just stick toit. You're like, as you walking through the floor,he's like, yeah, sorry about the mess.It looks perfectly clean, exceptChrist, no.My, I'm sorryto interrupt what you're talking about here.
51:31My left nuthas stuck to your dresser.Oh, well, oh,okay, hold on one second. Let meget the, if you have any, if you have any kind of likeolive oil or something like that, I've got acouple of things for this. So he picks outhis olive oil and his, the
51:46thing he calls it, which is like, basicallya crow bar.And he's like,okay, one, two, are you going to pullwhat I'm going to pull? Yeah, yeah, well, I'mgoing to tell you right now, this isthis is very scary to meconsidering the what could
52:04happen. I don't worry about it. You know, on threethough? Yeah, all right.Well, we'll doit like a Band-Aid.So you want to just do it? Nocounting.Yeah, I guessAnd he just rips your ball
52:19Oh, JesusJesus ChristThat hurtThat hurt a lotThat actuallyYeah, I'm sorry about thatYeah, hey, you know whatNo problem
52:28You know, I don't know what a band-aid isBut I figured it would be something like thatYeahIt hasn't been invented yetHe saysLook, so here's the thingI want you toToday you know
52:44It's the murder, the murder day, right?I want you to kidnap the kid.Jumanji.Hold on now.Let me just clarify what you're saying here.You want me to kidnap the boy Jumanji?I want you to kidnap the boy Jumanji.Now hold on.
53:07Let me just, can you repeat that for me?Because I think I, I think you've lost your fucking mind.No, no, no, no, no, no, no.Listen to me. Listen, listen, listen.Look, if you want to get sticky fingers joint on the map and you want to get yourself on the map.Well, hold on, first of all, why would we get sticky fingers joint on the map if we're supposed to be thieves and we're not supposed to...It's time for prime time.The Terrifier Kingdom is a mess.
53:33He's trying to appease us and appease other people.This is the time to strike.We can upset the whole power balance, me and you.You could be on my left hand and you know sticky fingers.in a writing. That is true. That is true. That is theone thing I know about sticky fingers. And he holds up his right hand and it is a hook.You got that cut off after a very particularvery particular
54:01bad accident. It was a hoover. Okay, it was a hooker.Then I did something I shouldn't have done. You stole her money.Yeah, that's right. That's what I go. Thank you.For rescuing me from that.yeah you know she you know and in i mean her job putting hooks in people's handsit's kind of like kind of ironic that it uh that was your fate yeah well you know i shouldn'thave uh you shouldn't have stole money from a hooker you know and then then then then then shesaid well now you're going to be a hooker and look at me now that is exactly what she said
54:43I'm a looker.Anyway, look, I think if you kidnap this kid, look, it's not going to do anything to him.We're going to kidnap him, just show our strength, you know, bring him back.At this point, we'll have so many people flock in a sticky fingers joint.We could be our own, like a nation of thieves.Imagine a whole nation.A whole nation of, okay.Oh, a kingdom of thieves, maybe.
55:10Kingdom of thieves.And that sounds absolutely fair.I would love to be a part of this.There you go.Now you're thinking, now you're thinking with your head, okay?Yeah.So imagine this.I mean, hey, I do this a lot, but I was thinking with my balls.
55:24Hey, hey, hey, hey, all right.I was thinking with my balls and not my heart.So are you?Or my head.Are you down?Oh, absolutely.I'm absolutely 100% down to do this.Okay, meet me here on the night of the ceremony.
55:45It's going to, and I'll give you some more information.It's going to be amazing.You're going to love it.I really appreciate this.And I'm telling you, this is going to make it.So it's like your uncle doesn't even exist.You're your own man.Ah.
56:03And so, yeah, we cut away.Oh, okay, shit.What's up?Well, he's not going to disappear, is he?No, no, no, no, no, no, he can't.He can't. He was cursed. He can never disappear.All right. Well, back to what the narrator is saying.Yeah, whatever. And we, uh, and yeah, so you come back that night and we'll resolve that as well.
56:29Meanwhile, evil, stevil, you arrive at the pool of blood that sits at the bottom of sin gulch.I love this shit.You were here, as you dip your toe in it into it, once again, you get sucked in, appearing on the other side of this pool into a bizarre labyrinth where the walls are made of flesh.I hate this shit.Filled with holes to fuck and things suck.You accidentally wandered in here the other day when you were looking for something evil to do during your lunch break.After wandering through the labyrinth for far longer than 15 minutes that you were allowed, you stumbled onto a vast ceremonial room where a strange ritual was taking place.involving bloody bald men
57:13fingering each otherwherever there were holesears, woundsand even noses were getting pluggednot knowing exactly what to dobut sensing this was evilyou joined in for a little bitafterwards they made you an honorary
57:27associate of the Pleasuremen's Cluband the dark priestPoonhead of the Trebushet Villagechapter wish to assign youan evil taskPoonhead is notable for not being coveredin blood, instead just being a half elfwith a vagina on his forehead.
57:47You are excellent tonight at the ritual.Thank you. I got a third hand.That's what they're calling it now.What you did back there, the third hand.No, yeah, with my, with my chill touch hand.Oh, that's rest.It was pretty, oh, yes.Some people, you know, some girls like when you put
58:07like ice on the, you know that?What?No,never mind.What the fuck are you talking about?Anyway,girls?No.
58:21They're called maidens.You ain't in this scene, dog.You'd make a fine pleasure man, but your time is yet to come.But this boat's well.Come, follow me.He said, come, okay.And as you follow, Poonhead.You watch the labyrinth fall away in revealing an altar and a throne made of flesh.
58:49And as Poonhead sits on the throne, you hear a faint, and he says, not now, my love.Now, you, evil, seville, you are not one of us.This makes you useful, though.You see, us pleasuremen rarely show ourselves in public.We are too disfigured, a.k.a. bald and horny.And we need to take precautions to ensure that a plan works.You see, as you know, in a couple days, it's going to be murder day.And what those imbecilic nards do not know is that their precious mountain, Mount Honestoodle,
59:33where the ceremony will take place.is actually a volcano long dormant.We can't make it erupt,but we can deceive the foolish nardsto believing it has eruptedand cause massive pain.So, we need someonewho could walk through the village undisturbed,
59:57take the secret path underground,up your button around the corner,and lie in wait at the heart of the volcano.Once the murdering begins,We will tell you through this deviceAnd he hands you sort of a stoneAnd one stuffWhat's a device?
01:00:15We're in old timesA device isn't necessarilyYou knowIt could be usedOh this is a talking rockOkayI've seen these beforeA rocky talkie dude
01:00:34That's rightA rocky talkie dude.nowI will communicate with you through thatrocky talkie andonce I dothe scrollthat I shall hand you now
01:00:50will reveal itselfand you will be able to casta very very powerfulspell that shall shoot lavathrough the dormant volcanoerupting thecalcified core on top ofthat is built over the years
01:01:09making it seemlike a lava flow is comingout but it's it'smagic and then it will killthem all of themthe nards will diethe boy will diein the time of the pleasure men
01:01:23the truerightful placeas rulers of the terror firekingdomgoddamngot some blood in your throatit's like the fourth timethat's happened
01:01:35I tookmy allergy pillsbut it just doesn't seem to fucking matterit's like afucking placeboI'm a fuckingall rightif you do this for us
01:01:53you shall be rewardedpleasurablyincalculablyyou shall be a lordunto yourself you'll have whatever you desirein the pleasureman's kingdomDo you wish to do this?Sure.
01:02:11Can I keep the Rocky Tocky when it's over?Absolutely.You'll get more than a Rocky Talkie once is over.Two Rocky Tockeys.Now we're talking.And you've returned again.And you return and he says, and he gives you the scroll now.It's down that day.
01:02:33And he says, go up your button around the corner and you'll find the cave entrance that leads into the heart of Mount Honestudu.Go, my child.You shall be one of the great, you know, guys.You're not a pleasureman, but you know, you're going to do something.They can't call you one of the great pleasuremen.You really have a way with words.I'll give you that much.It's been a long day.
01:03:02Oh, yeah, I get it.Plus you got a pussy on your damn forehead.It's got to be hard.It sucks.Anyway, I'm going to blow up this volcano.You stay sexy.Okay.Hey, you stay sexy.
01:03:16Okay.And we cut away from that.Lauren Poonhead returns toor priest Poonhead returns toworshiping his king,the discharge.And we go to,we're cutting backwards
01:03:33now in order. Patrick Yoder, you're back in the Thieves Guild, and you see there's a littlecrew gathered, one of them being your friend's sticky fingers. He says, okay, Patrick, so there's agoblin in the group, in the ceremony group named Evan. He owes me a favor. Just say you're here tosee Evan. He'll know what that means and he'll get you in with the in crowd near the king of theprince but he doesn't know about the job so don't tell him what it is but we're just trying toget you in there okay is there is there anything i should i should tell him just say just say uhi'm here to see evan he's a good friend he'll know that that means i'm calling on his favorand then if he doesn't what if i what if i just tell him that i'm here to kidnap a child
01:04:25but i don't say which child uh well that's fairTo some extent, a lot of NARs overlooked kidnapping,but I would really recommend you don't bring up the kidnapping as much as you can.What if, okay, here, let me, let me try this out on you real quick.What if I say, I'm here to see Evan, he saw a kid napping?Okay, I mean, I...Like a child, like a child sleep.So he has like a code word that lets him know.
01:05:00that, like, I'm calling a favor on him.So if you just say some weird shit about kids sleeping,he's not going to do anything.Do you understand?I think I understand.I can write it down so you have it.So you'll know what to say.Yeah, maybe write this down for me.
01:05:16Okay, I'll write it down for you.And just put it under that fold there on the balls.Oh, right.That's where you got stuck last time.Okay.Yeah, there seems to be...Oh, it's still stuck.Okay, it's still sticking.
01:05:27Yeah, some of the glue has a, his...has warped around my nutsack and it has created kind of like a kangaroo pouch in whichI can I can put items that's good that's where that is where I've been putting a lot of mysmall things like ball bearings okay like ball bearings and uh away from this and now we're backto the day of the event uh where you uh don'thave arrived and it begins of course with a feast you see king nardwar stroll up with hismassive posse of chie of chieftains of nards and orcs and goblins and they're all likeyou see on the shoulder of nardwar is his son who's sort of a smaller nard he doesn't have
01:06:19the penis scorpion tail yet um he's sort of a just sort of like cheering also likeon his dad's shoulderand he gathers everyone aroundand the beginning the first phaseof the eventthe murdering is the feastand you seeKing Nard war sort of takes
01:06:41the stage sort of like thesayswe are here today at MountHonest Doodle summit of MountHonest Doodle outsideTrebuche villagea honorable villageand we thank you for having us for this celebration
01:06:59speech speech speech speech speech speech speechthe feast is a time that we celebrate our bestour best chef's dishesfresh flesh stew flesh over ricerice scrambled flesh flesh fleshfleshy side up and of course flesh tartarand we will enjoy these magnificent delicacies yes of course but we have given our chefs some of the finest ingredients known to nards and all terrify are born not the flesh of slaves but the flesh of free men and you see everyone go how could he do that oh my god why are we eating slavesthis is our way of showing that we wish to grow and learn from the free men from the scaredy cats and i will take the first taste of this freshly
01:07:52prepared brain bone brothand he takes a skulland he sort ofsips it and he saysit's awesome and then just eats the headcompletelyand then the feast begins so everyone's feastingeveryone's having a good time
01:08:08umuh dogan you uh seeyou feel someone tugging at youruh you're kind of like fully encased in yourpaladin armor right nowbut you see someone tugging at sort of youruh little likeuh like cloth
01:08:22that's sticking out between your like metal gear right and uh uh and uh you see it's uh little jumanjiand he says hi what's up i'm i'm supposed to uh stick by you so uh nice to meet you i'm jimanihey great i'm dogan the dirt goblin it's really nice to meet you jimongi i'm gonna protectyou tonight nothing bad is going to happen awesome i like to hear that there's severaldifferent types of soil that I want to teach you about tonight. Okay. I'm a kid, so I won't mind for a littlebit. Go on. So there's sandy soil. There's clay soil. There's silt, peat, chalk, and loam. You're going towant to get a good mix of these if you're going to, you know, have a successful... Let's go back to loam. What'sloam? Loam is a mixture of sand, silt, and clay that is combined to avoid the negative effects of each
01:09:20type. It is fertile,easy to work with, and provides gooddrainage.As this is happening, you justhear, like, so it's like you're rattling thisoff and you have like a helmet on. So it'slike, it's like echoing out.Yeah. Patrick
01:09:36Yoder, you are now sort oflike, sauntering up to the festivities. You see likelots of like, you know, displaysof past murderings and you see likeguys being hung and likejust carved around. I'm liketalking to somebody's walking by. I have myhands. I have both my hands of my pockets and I'm just kind of like leaning back and looking at it. I'm like, that is one of the best. I mean, were you there? Were you there for this one? I'd say to just like some villager walking by. Yeah, it was really God. Oh, yeah. Wasn't it, wasn't it just amazing when the, the wheels came out and people just started getting the, just started getting rolled over. And their skulls, their skulls were going out their mouths. They were. My cousin got rolled over. I don't know.
01:10:20There he is.I'm absolutely sorry to hear that.No, no, it's fine.He's sucked ass.Oh, well, then I'm glad.I'm glad your cousin was rolled over.That's what's up.You're a pip.
01:10:32What's going on?Oh, thank you so much.Thank you so much.I'm actually Patrick Yodar.I'm of the Yodar clan.You may know my uncle.Your chill is shit.Yo, Trunchball's cool.
01:10:43Yeah, yeah.A lot of people like my uncle Trunchball.Anyway, I got to get going.It was a pleasure talking to you.I hope you have a great day.I hope you fucking hang out.You're the best, man.Let's hang out.
01:10:56Yeah, yeah, yeah.Just to send a carrier pigeon to this address.He'll hold on.Let me, and I'd like reach into my balls in a tiny pocket.Yeah, this is a...Man, sick-ass balls, dude.Thank you.Thank you so much.
01:11:09I'm very proud of these.I'm very proud of these.All right, wicked.And he hangs himself.Yeah, it looks like he just couldn't handle the festivities.All right, well, I'll have to steal a child.And so you head to the group of goblins.And you see Evan, Evan the goblin, looks at the note on your balls and runs over and goes, hey, hey, tell Sticky on.
01:11:47I'm down.And who are you again?I'm Evan.Ah, Evan.All right.Well, you're exactly the guy I was supposed to see.This is actually wonderful.This is one of the best things they could happen.
01:12:03Come on, we got a move, or we're not going to be included in the goblin group.Right.Is there anything I should know about going into this?Oh, just watch out the trolls will sit on you.Right. They will try to sit on you. They will use you as a throw pillow.Well, actually, I have enough, I don't think that'll be a problem for me. Yeah, and I slap my balls.There's plenty of room if you want to hop on, actually.Oh, okay, man, fine, fine, sure, sure. Just hop on the front there.
01:12:37Okay, tell Sticky, I hopped on your balls.Oh, yeah, absolutely. I'll let him know.And, yeah, and you sort of waddle in on him on your ball.And, yeah, you see, like, orcs are, like, wrestling while they're eating flesh, and trolls are, like, sitting on goblins and laughing as they watch their eyes pop out of their heads.You see, you see, like, hobgoblins, like, stringing up, like, corpses and just playing, treating it like it's a pinata and just, like, laughing.It's just, like, a completely debauched festivity.And now, up your button around the corner, we have our good friend, Eva,Steeval. You've found the cave. You managed to make it through town. There's no issue there. You're just a regular ass to wharf as far as everyone's concerned. And the mouth of the cave as you walk in, it gets like hotter and hotter. Basically you can play like kind of like hot and cold to figure out where the center of this dormant volcano is. You're able to sort of like navigate through. But I'm stripped down all my walk to a white wife beater and boxer shorts with little hearts on them.
01:13:45yeah uh yeah like a volcano oh man i get okay you're like you're like it starts to get so hotyou like unbutton the their boxers uh also like i just love my penis yeah it's just hanging outah that's much better and uh off in the distance of the uh this place you see a you see somethingthat that that looks like is blocking your way from what you could tell is basically the center ofthe volcano um it's this you can't quite make out what kind of fiend it is but as a cleric you'repretty familiar with a lot of fiends and demons you've had to study you know it was sort of atone point a know your enemy thing before you chose death domain um and you hear it it's goingwell you shut up i'm trying to blow up this volcano
01:14:41and you see it pop out and it's thislittle hairy thingit's like medium sizemy my PC frozewhile that was happeningand whatever scream you didwentwhat
01:14:54so it did do thatit wentand it's a littleit's a cacklerand helooks at youand he's likeyou're gonna blow this place up
01:15:12ha ha ha ha ha hauh yeah this place go boom boom ha ha this place go boom boom anywayall right crazy guy well i got something to do so if you could move out of the waystop being so weird i can't move well you're really not that big i guess i'll just walk aroundyou and uh yeah he puts his hand up mm-mm high five all right see you man good talkI just got to let you go through, I guess.It's too funny.He's like, hey, wait.
01:15:52He starts trying to rush back towards you as you move towards the center of the volcano.So now we move back towards the feast.Celebration is kicked off.And now it's a procession.So the procession involves a long climb up to the top of a mountain.In this case, Mount Honestoodle, which is lined with 1,000 conquered slaves, crucified.but kept alive so that everyone can behead each one as to go out.But King Nardwar says something else.
01:16:25This year, things will change instead of beheading slaves that are dead, you know, that are almost, that are almost dead.Speech, speech, speech.This year they shall be fully dead.So we do not have to, we can spare them the agony.and you see everyone goOh wowHow could he do that?How can he do that?
01:16:47I love killing themWhen they're barely aliveI like listening to them screamWhy do he do thisAnd you knowThey're all sort of hububHubb hubbub hubb hubbAnd meanwhile
01:16:59Dogen so you're walking with the boyAnd he's likeAnd so tell me more aboutSo you have to tillYou till the soilBut what's tilling rightLike what does that mean?Who knows?
01:17:12I just like to look at it uplook at it okay um and patrick chiodar you're hanging out with the goblins you're walking upuh with them uh you see evans he says uh so so so sticky's cool right man he's the coolestyeah sticky great absolutely great guy i mean just one of one of my one of my uh one of my bestthieving friends wow that's i think uh we've grown very we've grown very close in thethe past couple of weeks yeah uh i think like a fortnightnight ago we probably weren't as perk up inside you're your god when you'reding hit the helmet yeah a fortnight ago we were uh you know we weren't as close as we are now
01:17:59but uh you know a lot can happen in uh 14 days oh yeah 14 days for yeah i mean i tell tell him i'msorry by the way too yeah he'll know what that means but uh but you know all right i'm notactually going to prod about that i'm just here to do a job okay sorry yeah of course um and uh yeah soyou keep going up and meanwhile you um uh uh um evil stevel you approach the center of the cave andyou see uh uh the the cackler he says no no no no you see you have to leave this place is this placeit's gonna blow what are you not getting funny manI'm here to blow it up.That's the whole point.
01:18:46No, no, no.You're not supposed to be here.Oh, no, no.And you guys reach the top of this volcano of Mount Honestudal that nobody knows is a volcano.And you see the man that has been chosen to be murdered, none other than Sullivan the frog, tied up in the center on top of the volcano.and he's likeI could this isI mean I wouldn't
01:19:16I should have knownand you see as you approach this wholethis massive like top of this volcanoit just looks like an indent of a mountainyou know they don't really knowbut it's like what a volcano looks likewhen it sort of like you knowstops being active
01:19:34and you see them all look downat this craterand it's like this like giantsort of like you know gatheringof these beastsand you seeKing Nardwargo to his son
01:19:47and he looks to youdogan and he saysgood joband you knowthinking you know his boy's safedid a good joband you see the boyturned to you
01:19:59dogan he saysI don't know if I want to kill this guyyou really have to kill himokayjust not giving a shitAnd he just gets brought down and you see, he gets brought down the Sullivan and you see the king to address everyone.After this, we can party.So let's make this quick, all right, all right, kid.
01:20:29So look, everyone, I know I've done some controversial changes now.We're trying to learn how to be normal.we're trying to learn how to eat cheese and you know drink drink wine and maybe play backgammon or bridge something old people do i don't know go for a walksomething besides the killing and the eating of flesh though always fun but just not fulfilling we have learned thisAnd so, today, this frog man shall not be killed.Everyone's like gasping.It's like insanely.Instead, he will be stabbed in the leg
01:21:20500 times.What the shit?What, pets?What?Now, my son, here, take the ceremonial knife.you can do it, Jumanji.And he gives him the knife.And Jumanji looks towards Sullivan,
01:21:44who's like sort of pinned down to the ground.And Sullivan's like looking up at him with wet frog eyes.And he's like,they're wetter than usual because I'm scared.And you see as the boy starts to get closer and closer.And then the ground beneath all of you begins to shake.First a jutting boom, like aRight? And then
01:22:08Gentle shakes after that first impactEnough to knock some of the less sure-footedAnd inebriated folks on their assBut then the rumbling growsAnd its trembles become shakesAnd it's low rumbling, a shattering humAnd it comes onIt comes on like a parent
01:22:23Storming up to your bedroomYou hear their footstepsLike they're going about to fucking tear your head offAnd you evil, SteevelYou hear your stoneIt goes, now, Evil, Stevil.And you watch your scroll, it appears.It's the spell, a wall of lava.
01:22:41It's a very powerful spell.And you can now cast it and make lava flow from where you are.But before you can even do that, all this is happening within like a few seconds, you know,and you look below you, Evil Steval, and you look at the cackler, and the caccault, like,and you see black smog, and you see black smog, and you see black smog,forcing itself through a pool of lava down below.It's speed and force,making, makes all sound to you deaf.
01:23:11It's just gone.And then it washes over you and lifts you skyward,rattling your skull until you're a brain-dead puppet almost immediately.Geronimo.And then a primordial pop as the ground below Jumanji, Sullivan, and everyone elseexplodes with the force of 10,000 dragons.The sound of...that's right it's fantasy
01:23:38very coolI had to make sure it was in thereI'm gonnaI'm gonna diethe sound of whichturns the rumblinginto like it's ajust a gentle coup
01:23:50you knowit sends all of youso far into the skyso fast you reachwhat must be the top of all thingsthe crests betweenthe atmosphere and spaceyou swear
01:24:01but before the droppure blackness as your brains completely shut downfrom the sheer awe of the forceand all that's happenedthen from the darkness only a moment lateryou hear the familiar nagging voice of lifebeckoning you forthguys guys guys guys guys guys guys
01:24:27and you see a frog shaking you awakeall three of youGuys, guys, guys, wake up!Wake up!I pressed the top of his head like a snooze button.He's like, ah!I don't work for a second.What the thing?
01:24:45I do that too.You gotta stop.You gotta stop doing that, please.I'm sorry, I'll stop yelling.I just start kind of hovering my hand over his head.Like, nah, you want, what's up?What's up?Okay.
01:24:57Can you press down on that real quick?I was actually havingI was having a wonderful dream.I was on a gondola.Oh man, you kissed yourself, dude.What the hell?I think this is...Well, that happens.
01:25:12This is probably a part of the concussion.I hope this isn't forever.Wait, who, hold on.I'm a little bit disoriented here.Which one of us peed ourselves?You look around and you realizeyou're in some sort of weird fucking forest.um you see uh um you know uh uh uh like squiggling little plants poking in out of the ground almost coordinated
01:25:38it looks like they're almost like singing little tunes strange bugs fly by they land on a tree even a tree opens up its mouth and eats it um you see a nest of birds and one of them cracks open and becomes an egg that just sprints down the tree um you see a distant in the distance a rock with a sword in it and as careers walk by it says come on maybe you're the true king give it a tongueCome on. Who knows what all happened?And you see Sullivan's eyes go wide as he starts to realize.Oh, God.We're in Whippet Woods.Oh, God.Oh, God. We've got to be two weeks from the village by carriage.Oh, my God. What are we going to do?
01:26:20What are we going to eat?I hate his head.Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.I think real quick, I'm going to try and tug at that sort.board. And you also see another person, the prince, Prince Chumanchi, staring intently at a smallfurry creature that exposes its throat where another set of eyes pokes out of it. He grabs itquickly and just with one of his six legs and just eats it. And he says, I guess we'll have to makedo. And you realize that the five of you somehow launched from whatever
01:26:59eruption that wasinto thewhip it woodsfar faraway fromChubesha villagefar fromthe claw castle
01:27:10where theterrifier kingdom isand you're sort ofwithout a paddlebut the three of youhave known each otherfrom work for a whileand you kind of probably
01:27:21got the sensethat you're allcan handle a blade or twoyou knowumsouhBut, yeah, your adventure begins.
01:27:33Patrick Yoder, did you want to grab the sword from the stone?Yeah, I'm going to take a, I'm going to get it.Oh, come on.I know you look strong, buddy.Hey, thank you so much for saying that.I'm actually, I'm going to, actually, I'm going to give this a go real quick.Oh, hey, I know you're going to do it.I know you're going to do it.
01:27:49Oh, I'm going to do it.And you grab the sword.Just back up, back up a little bit, you guys.And as you pull it, you see the face on the rock.that was chatting you up, turned just demonic.And as you pull the sword,you pull up this giant fucking nasty worm, slug, rock monster.And he says, thanks, I'm hungry.
01:28:16That is not what I was expecting to happen.And we'll roll from initiative.I knew it.Nope.Roll initiative and take it from there next one.Nice. Perfect.Now, having been launched mysteriously from Trebushay Village,and even more mysteriously survived, our hero's adventures can begin in earnest,
01:28:47with a lost prince and a weird frog.Who knows what lies in wait for the gang?Oh, and what's that in the O over there?is that the big bad is that the evil the big evil man who's lurking over the what's thatis that their hand hovering over all of planet ebon oh is that a little ratty attendant goingyes master who could that master be i guess there's only one way to find out it would be to listen to the showTrebushay Village.Ah, ha, ha.
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