Podcast About List - UNLOCKED: Trebuchet Village Part 1: The Force of 10,000 Dragons

Episode Date: November 1, 2021

To hear the rest of this D&D campaign, subscribe to the $10 tier of the Patreon! www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist There's a ton of D&D content on there, including all 12 episodes of Trebuchet Village which just finished today. Ye Olde Sullivan's General Store employees Evil Stevil, Dogan the Dirt Goblin, and Patrich Yödar set out on an epic quest that takes place untold years before the events of Gun City. Fantasy! Finally! The incredible poster for Trebuchet Village was drawn by @TheAverageJoey, please give him some love and commission him and give him lots of money, he's the best. Follow our DM Patches on twitter @senator_gun

Once upon a time, on the planet E bomb, long before Gun City and the arrival of earthlings, before the Tomogachis and the Crayolas, before the void and the cataclysm. There was a great war between the police, the ultimate good, the light of the universe, the saints of decency, joy, and love, and the terrifier, an ancient evil, unknowable, and untraceable, the thing that goes bump and grind in the night and bump and grind in the day. The war lasted almost a day, but everyone's tongues started to hurt, so it really needed to end so people could go home and watch TV. And the Terrifier won. Elves, men, dwarves, gnomes, all manner of mortal creatures of decent disposition were forced into slavery, or killed, or eaten, or all three. But just as quickly as the Terrifier won, he vanished.

presumably to terrify some other summers. In his stead, he left the terrifier's kingdom to his gnarves. Furry monsters with a gnarled underbite, bulging yellow eyes of bat's nose, six legs like a mutated tripod with talons on the ends, two arms and a penis that acts as a scorpion tail that whispers dark thoughts into their weird little ears. They did their bests to rule over the or. forks, goblinoids, and other nasty creatures who could finally live the brutal, bloodied life of their dreams.

For years, however, these Nards battled one another for supremacy as they always did, killed one another, drank, fought, started wars, enslaved that conquered, and did it all over again. Eventually, even some of the unrulyest of Nards grew tired of the ceaseless fighting. But it was all they knew. The terrifier made all these horrendous monsters to do one thing, terrify. but without their leader, they were aimless, self-destructive, and soon, possessed by the worst of things, on we. They began to turn to literature of how things once were, but none of them could read. They cautiously approached their learned slaves and asked them for guidance.

We want to be normal, said King Nardwar. We want to not kill each other. We want to use soap and be nice. We want to see if plumbing would be good for us If not, just maybe pick a place to shit Rather than just wherever we're standing And I want to sing Said one gnaud

Shut up And King Nardwar swallowed this nard hole And slapped his belly and said Ooh, you betcha Then, possessed by lucidity He said, See, that's not how we should solve problems I have eaten too many guys I don't want to eat guys

and so over time the slaves were freed elves humans dwarves and the like were able to live amongst the nards to help show them how to be regular this did not sit well with all the nards or other denizens of the terrifier kingdom but so the threat oops nope and so the threat

of a greater war looms one of the cornerstones of this growing trend of teaching nards how to be regular was adventuring adventurers from far and wide scoured the kingdom for lost treasures of being normal, or to free communities still under the tyrannical rule of slavers. They sought ancient magics, fought dark wizards, and befriended beasts that lurked beneath the planet and ruled its skies. Such adventurers were few and far between, but there were

three such intrepid fellows nestled into the armpit of the kingdom, a small village that rests outside of King Nardois' claw castle that's shaped like a claw, trebushet village. Trebushet Village is a bleak and vile little place was filled with nasty peasants and monsters and evil magic and a remarkable, peerless cruelty extended towards anyone unfortunate enough to live in the damn place. The stench of death and shit hung low and heavy, followed by the stench of foot,

then the stench of death, then the stench of shit and death again, rounding it out. The town has all the trappings of a real place, though, including a lovely little general store run by Ye Old Sullivan the Frog. It's Trebushay Village is first in hundreds of years, and it gets robbed only bi-weekly by orcs, nards, and the like. To run such a general store and protect it,

ye old Sullivan hired three expert retail sales associates, each of whom, unbeknownst to the other, moonlight as adventurers themselves. Who are these three adventurers? Well, that's enough out of me. At this point, I'll let them speak for themselves. So, who are each of you? Let's start with you.

Dogan Hello everyone My name is Dogan the dirt goblin My whole life I've loved dirt I was born as an orphan With no mother or father And I grew up on my own dirt farm Tending to my crops

And selling dirt at the local farmer's market It was a boring but fulfilling life And one filled with dirt One day though I was struck with a vision I walked out to my fields And saw a burning dirt bush A voice boomed forth from it. What's up? It said.

This was the voice of Dogan the dirt god, my namesake. I swore devotion to him immediately and became a paladin, a bold warrior spreading the gospel of dirt. I left my dirt farm under the care of my adoptive little brother, Dogan the Dirt Cobol's and moved to Tribusay Village, where I took the first open room I found on Craig's scroll. This room happened to be the cramped basement of a minotor hype house, which has led to a lot of comedic and silly, almost animal house-esque situations, that maybe could be explored in the future, but also could just be left alone.

By day, I work at the old Sullivan's general store, where I sweep dirt onto the floor from outside. My boss is awesome. He is so nice, and I respect him deeply because he has years and years more experience than me. I can't see that ever-changing. By night, I'm a daring adventurer, striking the fear of dirt into the hearts of monsters

with my trusty shovel, which is named Dogan, the dirt shovel. By the time between day and night, I sleep or something, I guess. thank you dogan right now are you just sweeping dirt then in the general store yeah i'm i'm sweeping dirt but i'm also not satisfied with how much dirt i'm bringing in so i'm also like picking up dirt and putting it in my pockets and sprinkling it around the floor too yes and you are a paladin a level one paladin for for folks uh who uh that's important for them um and uh it's just some of them right you wield a warhammer um it's a shovel yeah it's a shovel it's a war shovel it's a war shovel I apologize right

you're uh yeah and you have a one other item that's pretty interesting which is a pouch of forever dirt um we don't have to get into that now if you don't want to um but it's pretty pretty cool um yeah yeah it's your secret um I apologize then for even saying anything yeah and so now uh we'll we'll sort of look over uh in the store in Sullivan's General Store maybe hanging out by

the Doug La Burger's deli counter is Patrick Yodar? Patrick Yodar. Patrick Yodar. What's up?

Hi, how's it going? My name is Patrick Yoder. I'm the nephew of Trunchable Yodar, one of the most famous explorers in all of Trebuechay Village. and I am writing that out until I eventually die. How do people get famous in these times?

I have actually, I have no idea. I have no idea how somebody becomes famous nowadays. Basically, do you just walk up to somebody and say something like, hey, I'm a famous guy, and they believe you? I really have no idea. I've seen Uncle Trunchbull do that a few times, and it's worked. And, I mean, really, there is no way for you to prove whether or not somebody is

famous in these times and my uncle could just be taking credit for some other Verdan and I would be none the wiser honestly I live a pretty lavish life in the shadow of my uncle and it's taught me one very important life skill

and it's shoplifting god damn god damn do I love shoplifting oh man you know I could I could walk into any shop in Trebusier village and just say hey I'm Trunchpole Yodon nephew and they would at least give me a free fruit or something but uh no i think it's funny to shoplift uh that's my thing it's awesome uh you're something kind of funny about me i have a

comically large balls absolutely absolutely huge balls it's very comical a lot of people laugh and hey i get it uh anyway i've uh i've been working at sullivan's general store because i think it's funny. I think it's funny to work with poor people. My uncle is so rich that I can do that for fun. Can you believe it? Anyway, that's enough about me. What about you? Damn. That, the

Alda is so good. Fuck. You mean Alda? It's a Yodar. Yeah, what the fuck you type? Are you stupid? I'm sorry. Atrice Yodar. Oh, yeah. So you're a Verdan, uh, or

a Verdon. I actually don't know the technical pronunciation of that they are a goblinoid race I think they're in they're in acquisitions incorporated

is the source book they're from so I don't know if that's I don't know much about Acquisitions Incorporated but it's a cool looking race they're sort of like smart inquisitive goblins and yeah they also have

What's interesting is they have like a sort of weird growth spurt that they go through at some point. So they sort of start goblin-sized, garblin-goblin size and then like kind of grow bigger when they're going through puberty or something. Yeah. And so you're hanging out by Doug La Burger's deli counter. Is he serving you up a flesh burger? Hey, Doug, how about you? How about to just slide me one of those burgers right there? Yeah, no problem, Patrick.

Oh, great. You're one of the best guys that works here. I absolutely love you. You're one of the, you're one of my favorite, you're one of my favorite employees here. I believe you every time you say it. I love you too. Oh, I love you. I love you so much.

I would kill somebody for you if I had you. Hey, hey, you just might. Play your cards right. Oh, trust me. I mean, at times like these, we love violence, don't we? Yeah, always. Always love violence in the Terror Fires Kingdom. Mm-hmm.

It's absolutely fantastic. I love, I love just getting my short sword, under somebody's neck. He sort of like laughs to himself and like shuts down the conversation. Don't you just love it? Don't you just love it when you're

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's just like a do-it-yourself trachiotomy. It's amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. All right, you're going to give me that burger now?

Yep, here it comes. All right. Thank you. so much thank you you you're beautiful and we uh we sort of move a little bit past the counter and we see another uh fella uh um uh this time a dwarf of some kind one evil stevel oh before actually i should mention sorry didn't mean to take the thunder there uh patrick yodar is a rogue uh for whatever that's worth the people um uh again it's first So not a lot of subclasses or sub anything already decided.

But yeah, he's a rogue. Sorry, yes, please. Evil Stevel. So I'm Evil Stevel and I'm bad. Badder than a weasel with a needle. Better than a beaver that's a cheater. Better than a threesome with a cheetah. Better than a pizza on a pita.

That's why they call me Stevel or evil. I'm a hill dwarf cleric I'll use my magic to deceive you I'm also a Christian so I really hate the devil I'm steved like Steve and evil I'm wide like a beetle

and I'm short like like a beetle yeah so what I'm lethal but I'm still evil evil evil steval so evil stevil is a cleric uh an evil cleric of the death domain yep um so uh death domain is pretty cool they have sort of take and invert the life domain yeah all right they do necrotic damage

they don't really do too much healing it's sort of a uh damage dealing cleric type um and yeah he's a dwarf a hill dwarf so it's pretty cool so what do you what do you do in the store evil steve like what's sort of your I knock the cans off the shelves you know

Sullivan pick these up man Sullivan I think I think some of them are broken I think you might have to put that in the inventory if you don't do it now I'm knocking more cans over you don't want to you don't want to see this guy knock any more cans I mean, it's just one of the only three guys in the town who won't just try to eat me, so...

There go the refried beans. Please stop. Okay, let me... Oh, no. I think that was the last game. Sullivan, I respect so deeply how you're handling the situation. There goes to okra. I'm your biggest man.

Oh, no. Oh, no, not the okra. That is going to ruin some customers night. Please, we only have three produce in the aisle. Chili's in the dobo sauce off the shelf. That's the third product. I'm out There are actually

seven aisles in Sullivan's store produce flesh tools alcohol alcohol and knick knacks and then Doug La Burger

Deli Fresh I guess isn't an aisle but more of a station so yeah you guys are sort of it's sort of towards the end of the day you know you're kind of eager all of you are eager to get out for a couple

of reasons, which we'll get into, but one of which is today's a big day in the kingdom of the terror fire. It is the murder celebration because the prince, Prince Jumanji, is turning five, which is the age of murder. So, you know, you're all eager to get out, and there's festivities, but also each of you have sort of a job to do with the festivities, which we'll get into. But before you can do that, and while Sullivan is sort of trying to stack the shelves, stack the cans back up, but Evil Stevel is just a few inches taller than him. So he just is able to like sort of stuff it

in his face. You like that? He doesn't like it. No. I can tell. I can tell looking over here that he does not like it. You're something about you, Patrick Yoder. It's just just so serving. I have to say, thank you. It's probably these big-ass balls. It could be these balls. I mean, I'm just sitting on these things. I have not done a lick of work today. No, I've watched.

I know. I'm taking advantage of well. And Sullivan's distracted talking to those two. I'm like shoveling dirt in, like, just huge shovel of dirt. I'm filling the doorway with dirt. And Sullivan, I know this is probably not a good time. I need an advance in my Patreon. check. Oh, well, I already gave you an advance today. Yeah, I'm going to need a, I'm going to need like

the next, uh, you want the next one too. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to need the next one advanced. So it's just the last, so the advance I gave you today was sort of the third advance. So this is now, it's fine. Don't know what we'll, we'll eventually figure out. It's, it's going to be five advances. No, and I understand because, you know, we're all trying our best. He's already like writing the check for you. and you see pushing through the dirt pile that you made oh yeah uh dogan are three grimlocks and grimlocks and grimlocks are just nasty looking fucked up guys they have their brow is so deep down sort of a what's his name

you know, from Highlander that they are blind and they have stringy long hair and a bald crown and they're kind of, and these are clearly teenage grimlocks and Sullivan knows them well. And so you could see he's already, as he hears them come in, and it's the three of them, and here's, there's three and one of them goes like, well, it looks like we're going to start messing this place up.

It's going to be a good time. It's like that's way ahead of you. Yeah, this guy gets it. maybe we should maybe we should knock over one of the shelves and the third one goes I know exactly what he was saying and Sullivan says please no

the grimlocks are back can you guys please take care of it ah Christ all right I guess I can I can get off my balls for a little bit I get it I get it it's so tempting to sit on them I've had thoughts

it's uh it's actually it is one of the most wonderful feelings sorry do you have room oh yeah actually hop right on you can i'll move i'll move over to the left one and then you can get on the right oh my god wait is that a massage function i feel on my back oh yeah i had that installed last week oh my god yeah yeah necromancer put that in there it's actually uses the uh uses the uh the the leg bones of a lot of a dead men that's incredible yeah yeah it's amazing what they're doing with magic nowadays. So you guys are just like having this conversation and the grimlocks are like looking at you

like expecting you to say something and the bigger, dumber one goes, what? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What's up? Do you want to sit on my balls right now? Is that? No. Hey, look, there's a little bit more room in the front.

I think I can get one or two of them. view right here and then I think around the back. Roll up, roll up persuasion check. Are Grimlock's tall or are they goblin size or how big are they? They're like medium size, a little bigger. 15 persuasion. These ones are teenage, so they're like kind of just medium size. Yeah, you see

one of them, he's like, the big guy's like, oh, the bald, it looks comfortable. And you see the leader one is like, hey, knock it off. We're not going to sit on no, no nasty Verdant's balls. Hey, come on now. Come on now. Why are you going to throw that in there? Excuse me, gentlemen.

But when you guys came in here looking to cause trouble, it seems he may have already caused a little bit of trouble with me without even realizing it. Did you notice that beautiful pile of dirt that you just knocked out of the way? I'm going to need you guys to go back outside, take some trowels, and put that back to how it was before, because I will not be having this. You don't want to mess with that guy's dirt.

Oh, yeah. What's he going to do about it? Hey, hey, come on. Come on now. Let's not use that language. What did he say? What did he say to me? Look, I'm not going to repeat what he said. Okay, can you, all right, well, write it down and tell me later.

He says that your dad's fat. And you see him shaking his head, no, and going, oh, come on, come on, now. You don't say that about any of our fathers. I don't have a dad. I mean, I was born an orphan. Yeah, he doesn't have a dad. I said that.

Didn't you guys hear me monologuing that while you're waiting outside? No, we were, we weren't listening. I hit him with my shovel. All right, roll edition. of four it's a bad start 14 it's a better start that's an intelligence saving no that's wrong initiative doesn't start with an i n t i guess if you have it yeah nice okay cool all right cool so yeah uh yeah the battle the battle's about the beginning i'm going to position you guys to probably where you are at this point you

offered him to sit on your balls so you're probably kind of closer I sat on his balls you sat on his ball so you're right next to him and you're still on his balls so I guess you'll take three feet of your movement speed to get up how deep down are these damn balls

dude I'm four feet tall there's no way I'm three foot eleven you're all really small yeah okay so first in the order is actually Patrick Yodar as the goblin

that they is in front of you look I don't I don't want to cause any problems but it seems like you already have caused some trouble so I'm going to have to get involved okay

is that all right with you I'm going to take that as a yes cool what do you want to do I'm just going to hold on yeah so you can go to your actions and just look at your actions it's under actions okay yeah that's going to be the most helpful

I'm sitting on my balls and I pull out I pull a bow and arrow out from my back my back okay I'm like all right well let me hold on okay there we go and I have the arrow in there and all right I'm going to shoot you with this okay roll roll a hit nine nine yeah it just like you uh shoot it it just like sales past him uh christ uh sullivan look out solvin solvin ducks underneath um uh and uh it's like please there's the whole fighting there's a tip jar on the counter of like the blooms or whatever the fuck the money is and i just destroyed it yeah and it is now your turn

evil stevel all right i'm going to cast chill touch can i do that yeah you can yes okay cool so with with uh uh chill touch you have to get in touch range so you get up and you walk towards oh wait actually no i forgot wait chill touch dude i have a ghost hand it's a ghost hand i forgot yeah actually you know what described chill touch uh so i i i create a ghost hand made of probably bones and blue blue it gets it gets i can touch somebody with it yes it does damage the blue blue blue ghost hand sort of like soars towards which one which one of them do you go for my right hand yeah uh no right handed chill touch no which grimlock the closest one yeah okay

so the one is going yeah yeah just those fingers are going in your mouth I felt a small, like a little bit of cold and I Yeah, that's why they call it chill touch, you fucking idiot Hey, hey, I thought these things were going to shrink And that I'm just kidding, they'll never They don't think they'll ever shrink And that 13 is enough to hit And so you

You just like hit this guy for eight damage And he's just like It goes into his mouth He's like no ain't that something he treats it like a pacifier but it's just like hurting him really bad can I pick his boogers too

yeah you do that you get like a pinky in there I make him eat his own boogers oh god that's gotta be some other kind of damage right yeah yeah no he Grimlocks love love boogers I take him back out of his damn mouth he's like he's like upset

and now it's going to be the Grimlock's turn So that one who you did the chill touch too, he's going to sort of like lumber over to you two. And he's going to try to swing at you, Patrick Yodar, which let's see how he do at that. Oh, I have the new encounter thing. Hang up the new encounter thing. So let's see how this goes. Does that work? It does work.

Okay. There's a 14 hit, Patrick. Oh, oh, come on now. It does. Why did you? No, he doesn't know what that question means. Come on. Does it beat your AC?

Wait, so what? You can't ask Patrick for the first time, does a 14 hit? What is your armor class? Oh, sorry. Yeah, what's your armor class? My armor class is 14. Okay, so it does beat you because the way it works in this is, it's when you meet it. When you meet it, you get it.

That's the same. Simple as that. Yep. When you meet it, you got it. Hey, when you got it, you get it. Yep. When the numbers there, the numbers where? You got it good.

Yeah. And so, saying for many. So it does, he does like two damage to you. Oh, no. These guys are pretty weak.

They're weaker gimp room locks. Yeah. That is, that is, that is just uncalled for. Yeah. So he takes his club and goes, and just like bounces in on one of your balls.

So I do. So you take two. Yeah, you're down two HP. Okay. This other one is going to go for you, Dogen. He's like,

let's see how tough you are. Oh, you want a piece of me? huh yeah you're gonna swing that shovel at me huh you want a piece of this hey you want it you gonna swing that hey i can barely see and uh he's gonna try to attack you um uh does a 12 hit probably not no you're paladin right yeah so he tries to attack you with his club and you just like you're a little goblin you just like fucking like do some matrix shit off the aisle like just like kicking back and forth and you're knocking over different products and solv it's like no

What's up, bitch? Not the mead, the bottle of mead. And now the other one's going to go. And he's just going to sort of move towards you, Evil Stevel, and he's going to try to hit you with his club. And... No way you hit this. He hits this.

He got a 21. You missed. Just no way. Don't worry. He does three damage to you, though. Didn't even hurt. Yeah, he bops you on the head. You missed.

Oh, I'm like. Okay. I mean, the damage reverberated through his body, and I felt it in my ball. How to feel. Yeah, you're just like, but, but, but, but, it felt, it felt okay. Yeah. Yeah. And it is now, Dogen, your turn.

That's right. I'm just going to I'm going to hit this Grimlock with my shovel Hell yeah, go for it 16 Oh, that hits Is the top damage for one-handed And the bottom damage is for two-handed

Okay, I'm using a two-handed Yeah, do it Wait, oh I can do it over here Yeah, it was confusing Three Yeah No, I reject that I reject the way they do this

So we'll take the the uh we'll take the yeah no i that's ridiculous i'm gonna confuse by this because what it's them it's a 10 yeah no no what we should do is take the the the yeah let's take the the five and out of the two yeah let's take the seven because that's that makes more sense to me so yeah you just like whack this guy in the head with the shovels you dodge off him off the like aisle walls and then just like plonk just like bonk him on the head with the shovel like shovel night um and And just, you see him like, like, he's like reverberate, like, vibrating

through his body, like a cartoon. You will respect dirt. Bye. Like, he's trying to, like, talk. And it's back to the top of the order. So it's your turn, Patrick Yodar. All right. Well, I'm a little bit upset at your actions from earlier.

And it looks like you're close enough. you're close enough now for me to use my to poke you with my long sword I'm going to see I'm going to see if I can do that let's see 10 damage

that is a 10 to hit and it does hit 10 does hit 7 yeah you get the 7 actually it's because they're in range you get the sneak attack damage

as well so yeah describe you're killing this guy. Yeah, so I'm sitting on my balls and I just go, uh, hiya. He dies just instantly.

Oh, well, hey, look at that. I mean, that is, that is what I like as a violent man. Yeah.

So you see the thing, and go like, but, da, da, dude, and he just crumples to the ground, uh,

dead. And you see the dumber ones like, no. Ricky, and he's very upset by that. It's your turn, though, evil stevel. What's up? What's happening? Okay. I'm going to attack that same dude who I attacked previously.

Is he still alive? No, he's dead. He was one who's just killed. I will attack his dead body. Okay, cool. No, the guy, who's a guy who just hit me? Can I get revenge? Yeah, you can.

Okay. He's a big, dumb guy. I will use my mace as revenge. Mm-hmm. Four. Okay. No, wait, that's just damage. That's just damage.

Oh. Hit the, the plus number next to it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that hits. Yeah, that hits. Nice. So everyone doesn't think

we suddenly turn stupid. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Damage. Do I do one damage? Yeah. You're about to die. Watch this.

This is going to kill you in one shot. What shot one kill? Well, you tried your best, and honestly, I... Shut up, Ballynolder. I commend you for it. So you, like, wind up your mace, and you just sort of, like, puncture his tummy, and then just, like, pull it out quickly.

He's like, oh! Yeah, you're probably dead now, huh? If we waited a couple hours, you'd be so dead. oh yeah and also everyone we are using new character sheets that's why they're having a little bit of trouble right now

no other reason and it is now that guy's turn and he's like and he's going to try to attack you again with his club he is not very inventive he just whiffs he just like

tries to get you and he just sort of like tries to wind up to attack but he misjudges a distance so he just sort of attacks behind you with the club and bumps his stomach into your face got blood on my damn face

Oh, you're a fucking asshole Hey here I have a I have a handkerchief right here You can use you can borrow that for a little bit This is just a part of your ball sack skin Yeah exactly That is exactly what it is Do you want to get the blood off

face or no one of the others can't be choosers i suppose oh okay yeah you know oh okay oh off his face i got confused i actually i uh i do not like a dumb character i would not offer you any any kind of help what the hell is going on over there hey what's going on how are you doing over there has everything i'm doing good how are you doing man i'm doing pretty good uh just you know i still got the massage feature on this whole time i've had it on yeah Do you like dirt? Yeah, actually, I got a house made of dirt in a... Oh, wow, can I come over?

Oh, yeah, you would absolutely love it. I'm going to fuck your walls. Don't get, watch out! And meanwhile, a Sullivan yells, don't know, watch out while you say, I'm going to fuck your walls. And a club comes around and just clocks you on the face for three damage. Hey, I'm really sorry to distract you just now. Oh, that's okay. that was my fault. I'm going to fuck your walls.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, just carte blanche, you can do whatever you want to my walls after I've distracted you. Your back walls? Any, front walls, back walls. I mean, hey, you can even fuck the floor. I don't really mind. The floor's okay then, too.

Yeah, it's your turn, though, Dogen. This guy just, like, walloped you. Yeah. I'm, you know, I'm just going to hit him back. No fancy stuff. Hell yeah. 16. Oh, that connects. Oh, he's... Describe your kill.

Okay, so I swing my shovel and I hit him in the face and he falls backwards and he hits one of the shelves and like a jar of like pured carrots or something like falls into his mouth. The carrots! Yeah, he's allergic to carrots and his face puffs up and he dies. No, carrots. I hate them because I'm allergic. They actually taste quite good. And he dies. Look at that. He died learning something about himself. He actually liked carrots.

That's beautiful. Oh. I mean. And the last one, the last grimlock is just like, I'm out of here. And he tries running away, which gives both you, Patrick Yodar,

and you, Evil, Stevel, attacks of opportunity if you want to take that. I'm going to shoot him with my bone arrow. I want to use my chill touch, dude. Okay. Do it up. Yeah, this is actually one of the worst things you can do

Is run away from me Oh, six on chill touch, dude 15 Fuck Okay So yeah, your chill touch, your hand just sort of like Grasps for like the door or something Like it just doesn't quite

Helps him get out Yeah Open the door for him Yeah, pat him on the back Yeah But as it pats him on the back What goes through your ghostly hand Is a bow expertly aimed

at this guy's lung and he's like and he just fucking falls and collapses on the ground. That is one of the best feelings in the world when you set out to do something and you hit your target.

That is just amazing. I love that. And yeah, you guys killed these three teenagers. Not a problem for us. We're all 12. Yeah, you guys, you know,

You're actually punching up. You guys don't know that, you know, each, the other one is an adventurer or, like, would have the skills. Like, but you know that each of you can handle yourselves in a fight. You guys have seen your fair number of fights here, but it's sort of always kind of a quiet acknowledgement of appreciation for each other's skills. You see Sullivan sort of waddle out from behind, cowering behind the counter. He says, thank you guys. And thank you guys very much. You know, that's, that's, hey, you're going to get.

that advance and then some patric and uh oh amazing absolutely wonderful you can knock down the cans whenever you want you've stevely that was i've already been doing it i already got right back to knock in the yeah no keep going uh don't get less dirt if you can that's i fucking hate you that is one of the worst things you could have said to him just less in here i love dirt everywhere We'll see about that. So you guys close up shop for the night. We just leave the bodies in the store. Yeah, absolutely.

I bury them inside the store. You see Doug LaBerger take them back to his kitchen to cook up later. I'm behind him like twirling peas and whistling. Yeah. I'm following him to go like eat these guys. And yeah, it's, It's, you know, after you guys leave the story, this is usually during this time is when each of you does,

either, you know, goes back to where you live or does whatever sort of adventuring gig you're going to do. And you guys, all three of you, have something that you're going to do because it is a murder day. And I'm going to let you guys know what's going on. So King Nardwar's son, Jumanji is turning five, right? Very important age. He's going to do his first kill today, allegedly.

It's a very big deal when you do your first kill as a Nard. However, something that you would know, but only you would know, Dogen, because you were a paladin hired by one of the warlords under King Nardwar to protect the ceremony is because King Nardwar is doing some changes to the murder ceremony. because he's trying to show good faith to this idea of we want to try to be normal. And so he wants to hire a group of paladins that serve many different faiths, you know, different values, you know. He sort of sees them all as just sort of pussy goody goodies, you know,

like he's just like, oh, these guys are protectors. They're basically dogs. I'll hire them all for this affair. And he's hiring extra security, though, because you know that he's changing some of the ceremony. You spent some time with this group of palinids now, like some nights and some weekends with them. And you started to get the sense that they don't really like you because you're the only one there who's Terrifierborn. Terrifier born. Terrifyer born are Goblinoids and Goblins, orcs, nards.

Those are terrifyer born. Scarity cats are like dwarves, elves, humans. Those are scared cats. Am I under Terrifier born? You're Terrifier born. Okay. The only one of you is a scary Verdan or Verdun. Well, Verdan, Verdun.

You got a scaredy cat in our party. You have a scaredy cat in your party, though. No. Courtesy him. That's not you. It's Caleb. Caleb's a scary cat, technically. What evil is?

Just your race doesn't mean you're like faction. It doesn't mean yours. Well, because Terrifier, the terrifiers. It just means like your character's lame and like we'll die. It's not like, it's not. It doesn't have to do with like you. The Terrifier Kingdom, the Terrifire Kingdom looks at any elves, humans, et cetera, as people that the

terrifier beat. And so they're called scaredy cats, where if you're something that the terrifier didn't beat and serve the terrifier in the Great War, in the past, they're called terrifier born. So you're not, you're not scared. Don't, you don't have, don't worry about it. You goddamn right.

So, and you see that the, you're terrifier born, though, Dogen. So a lot of the paladins aren't. There are a lot of them are guys who came back into the paladin fold after they were freed as being slave. So they're not too crazy about you. But the head of the paladin

is taking a liking to you. And yesterday, he came up to you and on your like sort of final run through protection. And he said how'd he do you? Oh, you're going, Bucco.

I've got a task for you, a special job. Come, come over here. I need to tell you, that's an honorable paladin. What you have to do? It's very, it's very, a very secretive task, please. And he sort of lead you away from the other paladins who kind of like, I'll glare at you a little bit. Yeah, I would give them a middle finger as I'm walking away.

Yeah. And then you see one of them like spit on the ground. Don't you fucking spit on dirt? And you see one of them like, oh, like just like look at you, confused, like that sort of changed the tenor of the fight. And so the paladin says, so, I, the task for you. is that you will guard the young Jumanji himself. See, the king has taken a liking to you because you're terrified of born and he loves that stuff. And he's a huge racist.

So all you have to do is make sure nothing happens to the boy during the ceremony. All right? It's an easy task, I think, after all, if anyone ever did anything to Jumagi, you'd have to deal with the entire kingdom. So who would want that? So are you up for the task? I promise there's a huge reward in it. you, a worthy award of a paladin.

And besides me getting my balls, not getting my balls chopped off. So if you refuse. You are or you aren't? I, I, I, I, I started stumbled there. So you, you, well, I'll do it, but. Okay, good. I'm the sun clear on the balls part of it. My balls will get chopped off if you don't do it.

And that's bad. Yeah. All right, okay. Yes. so you'll do it you'll do it you'll do it what yeah yeah yeah i said yeah okay okay sorry we're standing there and like 10 seconds so you agreed to do this and so now you're returning back to the summit tonight to complete the job um and to watch over the boy and we'll we'll get to that in a second patrick yodar after work you headed over to the orphanage

for old guys, which is actually just a front for Sticky Fingers Joint, the Premier Thieves Guild in Trebusha Village. All the old guys at the orphanage are just thieves. They're not orphans, yeah, if that's not. So earlier this week, you went to one of Sticky Fingers after hours hang sessions, right? So it's another flashback here,

where everyone traded stories about their latest exploits in thievery or just general roguish behavior. Sticky Fingers, of course, provides the biggest and best stories, the gang, plays games together. One is Rachel Chess, just a version of chess that was made by someone named Rachel. And there's a few classic card games like Dusty Gomer and Wave Race 64. Patrick, you've been playing, you were playing that night, Wave Race 64, on a team with Sticky Fingers, which is pretty cool. Like, Sticky Fingers kind of likes you. And it's a 2V2 trick-taking game where the goal is to advance.

gold pieces you bet um so you like pick them out you want to bet and you have to advance them across the river by taking tricks in the suit you're assigned so you had diamonds sticky fingers had spades and you guys had bet a certain amount and you're trying to do this sort of trick taking game where it's like oh that's a spade i'll try to make sure sticky fingers gets it but maybe i'll get it just in case to build up my side deck um it's a very fun game um and in whoever advances all their gold pieces across to the river uh gets everything that's over there plus 64% of the opposing team's stash that didn't bet. So that's the 64.

Now, worth noting here is that you're in a thieves guild. So everyone's twirling their mustaches. They're making sneaky gestures. Cheating is always fair as long as you don't get caught. So we're in the midst of the game. You see sticky fingers. And he's a gnome. He's a little gnome.

And he's like, he's like, you're ready for this, Patrick? That's a, he's a scary cat born. Yeah, I'm scared cat. We're going to wipe the floor with these guys. We're going to crush him. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I have a few, as they say, tricks up my sleeve. Hey, hey, hey, keep him up there.

But then don't keep him up there because that's what I want them. I was going to show you. I was going to show you the cards that I had hidden in the pockets of my sleeve. Look, nobody can hear me. Nobody can hear me right now. Oh, yeah. I'm whispering, this is just how... This is just how you...

Just the general frequency. Yeah, this is I just... Even when I'm whispering, I talk like this. Of course. Yeah, I have a few cards up my sleeve. I have a lot of, I have a lot of them. I have very big sleeves. Yeah, your sleeves are incredible.

I love them. I could fit almost anything in these sleeves. Except maybe your balls, right? No, hey, hey. Come on that. That's why we're best friends. Or at least casual acquaintances or something. I have no idea.

Hey, we'll get there. I mean, our relationship is kind of, it's up in the air right now, but maybe we'll be better friends at some point. Who knows? And so we're going to do three intelligence contests between yourself and the other team. And, of course, you have an opportunity in between those checks to do other means of trickery, you know?

Charisma checks or decks checks, or just try stuff. Maybe you won't even have to roll. Yeah. So let's first start with the first intelligence contest. So roll an intelligence check and you'll roll against the two other guys who are all going like, yeah, man,

you got a crit. Yeah, I got a crit. All right. So you just fucking read this shit perfectly. You're going to skip one of the other checks. You're just like reading the tricks perfectly. You're picking up an all sticky finger sigils he's giving you when he shows two fingers sticking together than three.

And then you know what that means under the table. He's doing like doing complex shit. And you guys are crushing it. You guys have won three rounds already. And so that was one round left. You could do another intelligence check. 19. I mean, yeah, you won.

You don't even need to do. I was going to say like, oh, you want to try this trick. You want to try this trick. Or you could try to do this. No, you just like outplay them. Fucking purely outplay them. And they're just like, oh, man, that's pretty good, Patrick. Got to say, yep, that's the real nephew over there.

That's the nephew of the great trunch bowl, you know. Yeah, that's a, that is my uncle. That is his portrait on the wall over there. Mm-hmm. One of the finest members of sticky fingers joint ever. Mm-hmm. Yep, and that's actually him sitting under the portrait, too. He's just silent watching this.

Hey, Trunchbull, how you doing, you old coot? Well, you know, yeah, man, Joe. Yes, right. Yep, there he is. He is so well-spoken. I understand why he's famous. Yeah, that I get, I get all of my, all of my wit from him. You can really hear the star power.

Oh, yeah. Oh, well, you know, I heard old coot. And I thought, I guess this is his voice. Oops. What's he talking to? He's old. And so, you see at this point, Sicky Figures pulls, you aside um um uh patrick yodar and he says hey i got your nose i'm just kidding you know

come on now come on maybe maybe uncle's got you nose right you know he was i do have his nose it is very it's very unclear whether or not he's my father or my uncle it's uh i mean it's the olden times he he could be he could be my father and uh i think our family i mean we're my family tree could be very fucked up. Well, you know, he was, he was very impressive at his day. And, you know, I, look, so I want to help you, all right? And I want you to help you. I'll help you. I want you to help me, okay?

That's how we do things in sticky fingers joint. No more working at the general store for you if you pulled this off, okay? Well, I just do that for fun. Oh, well, all right, I guess you can keep working there. Yeah, I think I might keep working there. I didn't know that about you. That's interesting. Yeah, it's fun to work with poor people.

Oh, well, heavens. So, as of for Dan, you have a unique capability. You're terrified of born. See, most of the guys here, we aren't. Some of us are, you know, your uncle is, but he's, you know, so to pass his time and then we got doodoo the goblin but you know do do do oh i know oh trust me i know do do do is just eating a poop this is like oh you nasty whoa whoa whoa it's just like like it's just like in his mouth um so look i got i got a task for you and it's gonna pay big bucks come with me he he

he leads you into his office he uh um and uh you see that it's sort of it's very sticky. Everything there, you just stick to it. You're like, as you walking through the floor, he's like, yeah, sorry about the mess. It looks perfectly clean, except Christ, no. My, I'm sorry to interrupt what you're talking about here.

My left nut has stuck to your dresser. Oh, well, oh, okay, hold on one second. Let me get the, if you have any, if you have any kind of like olive oil or something like that, I've got a couple of things for this. So he picks out his olive oil and his, the

thing he calls it, which is like, basically a crow bar. And he's like, okay, one, two, are you going to pull what I'm going to pull? Yeah, yeah, well, I'm going to tell you right now, this is this is very scary to me considering the what could

happen. I don't worry about it. You know, on three though? Yeah, all right. Well, we'll do it like a Band-Aid. So you want to just do it? No counting. Yeah, I guess And he just rips your ball

Oh, Jesus Jesus Christ That hurt That hurt a lot That actually Yeah, I'm sorry about that Yeah, hey, you know what No problem

You know, I don't know what a band-aid is But I figured it would be something like that Yeah It hasn't been invented yet He says Look, so here's the thing I want you to Today you know

It's the murder, the murder day, right? I want you to kidnap the kid. Jumanji. Hold on now. Let me just clarify what you're saying here. You want me to kidnap the boy Jumanji? I want you to kidnap the boy Jumanji. Now hold on.

Let me just, can you repeat that for me? Because I think I, I think you've lost your fucking mind. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Listen to me. Listen, listen, listen. Look, if you want to get sticky fingers joint on the map and you want to get yourself on the map. Well, hold on, first of all, why would we get sticky fingers joint on the map if we're supposed to be thieves and we're not supposed to... It's time for prime time. The Terrifier Kingdom is a mess.

He's trying to appease us and appease other people. This is the time to strike. We can upset the whole power balance, me and you. You could be on my left hand and you know sticky fingers. in a writing. That is true. That is true. That is the one thing I know about sticky fingers. And he holds up his right hand and it is a hook. You got that cut off after a very particular very particular

bad accident. It was a hoover. Okay, it was a hooker. Then I did something I shouldn't have done. You stole her money. Yeah, that's right. That's what I go. Thank you. For rescuing me from that. yeah you know she you know and in i mean her job putting hooks in people's hands it's kind of like kind of ironic that it uh that was your fate yeah well you know i shouldn't have uh you shouldn't have stole money from a hooker you know and then then then then then she said well now you're going to be a hooker and look at me now that is exactly what she said

I'm a looker. Anyway, look, I think if you kidnap this kid, look, it's not going to do anything to him. We're going to kidnap him, just show our strength, you know, bring him back. At this point, we'll have so many people flock in a sticky fingers joint. We could be our own, like a nation of thieves. Imagine a whole nation. A whole nation of, okay. Oh, a kingdom of thieves, maybe.

Kingdom of thieves. And that sounds absolutely fair. I would love to be a part of this. There you go. Now you're thinking, now you're thinking with your head, okay? Yeah. So imagine this. I mean, hey, I do this a lot, but I was thinking with my balls.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, all right. I was thinking with my balls and not my heart. So are you? Or my head. Are you down? Oh, absolutely. I'm absolutely 100% down to do this. Okay, meet me here on the night of the ceremony.

It's going to, and I'll give you some more information. It's going to be amazing. You're going to love it. I really appreciate this. And I'm telling you, this is going to make it. So it's like your uncle doesn't even exist. You're your own man. Ah.

And so, yeah, we cut away. Oh, okay, shit. What's up? Well, he's not going to disappear, is he? No, no, no, no, no, no, he can't. He can't. He was cursed. He can never disappear. All right. Well, back to what the narrator is saying. Yeah, whatever. And we, uh, and yeah, so you come back that night and we'll resolve that as well.

Meanwhile, evil, stevil, you arrive at the pool of blood that sits at the bottom of sin gulch. I love this shit. You were here, as you dip your toe in it into it, once again, you get sucked in, appearing on the other side of this pool into a bizarre labyrinth where the walls are made of flesh. I hate this shit. Filled with holes to fuck and things suck. You accidentally wandered in here the other day when you were looking for something evil to do during your lunch break. After wandering through the labyrinth for far longer than 15 minutes that you were allowed, you stumbled onto a vast ceremonial room where a strange ritual was taking place. involving bloody bald men

fingering each other wherever there were holes ears, wounds and even noses were getting plugged not knowing exactly what to do but sensing this was evil you joined in for a little bit afterwards they made you an honorary

associate of the Pleasuremen's Club and the dark priest Poonhead of the Trebushet Village chapter wish to assign you an evil task Poonhead is notable for not being covered in blood, instead just being a half elf with a vagina on his forehead.

You are excellent tonight at the ritual. Thank you. I got a third hand. That's what they're calling it now. What you did back there, the third hand. No, yeah, with my, with my chill touch hand. Oh, that's rest. It was pretty, oh, yes. Some people, you know, some girls like when you put

like ice on the, you know that? What? No, never mind. What the fuck are you talking about? Anyway, girls? No.

They're called maidens. You ain't in this scene, dog. You'd make a fine pleasure man, but your time is yet to come. But this boat's well. Come, follow me. He said, come, okay. And as you follow, Poonhead. You watch the labyrinth fall away in revealing an altar and a throne made of flesh.

And as Poonhead sits on the throne, you hear a faint, and he says, not now, my love. Now, you, evil, seville, you are not one of us. This makes you useful, though. You see, us pleasuremen rarely show ourselves in public. We are too disfigured, a.k.a. bald and horny. And we need to take precautions to ensure that a plan works. You see, as you know, in a couple days, it's going to be murder day. And what those imbecilic nards do not know is that their precious mountain, Mount Honestoodle,

where the ceremony will take place. is actually a volcano long dormant. We can't make it erupt, but we can deceive the foolish nards to believing it has erupted and cause massive pain. So, we need someone who could walk through the village undisturbed,

take the secret path underground, up your button around the corner, and lie in wait at the heart of the volcano. Once the murdering begins, We will tell you through this device And he hands you sort of a stone And one stuff What's a device?

We're in old times A device isn't necessarily You know It could be used Oh this is a talking rock Okay I've seen these before A rocky talkie dude

That's right A rocky talkie dude. now I will communicate with you through that rocky talkie and once I do the scroll that I shall hand you now

will reveal itself and you will be able to cast a very very powerful spell that shall shoot lava through the dormant volcano erupting the calcified core on top of that is built over the years

making it seem like a lava flow is coming out but it's it's magic and then it will kill them all of them the nards will die the boy will die in the time of the pleasure men

the true rightful place as rulers of the terror fire kingdom goddamn got some blood in your throat it's like the fourth time that's happened

I took my allergy pills but it just doesn't seem to fucking matter it's like a fucking placebo I'm a fucking all right if you do this for us

you shall be rewarded pleasurably incalculably you shall be a lord unto yourself you'll have whatever you desire in the pleasureman's kingdom Do you wish to do this? Sure.

Can I keep the Rocky Tocky when it's over? Absolutely. You'll get more than a Rocky Talkie once is over. Two Rocky Tockeys. Now we're talking. And you've returned again. And you return and he says, and he gives you the scroll now. It's down that day.

And he says, go up your button around the corner and you'll find the cave entrance that leads into the heart of Mount Honestudu. Go, my child. You shall be one of the great, you know, guys. You're not a pleasureman, but you know, you're going to do something. They can't call you one of the great pleasuremen. You really have a way with words. I'll give you that much. It's been a long day.

Oh, yeah, I get it. Plus you got a pussy on your damn forehead. It's got to be hard. It sucks. Anyway, I'm going to blow up this volcano. You stay sexy. Okay. Hey, you stay sexy.

Okay. And we cut away from that. Lauren Poonhead returns to or priest Poonhead returns to worshiping his king, the discharge. And we go to, we're cutting backwards

now in order. Patrick Yoder, you're back in the Thieves Guild, and you see there's a little crew gathered, one of them being your friend's sticky fingers. He says, okay, Patrick, so there's a goblin in the group, in the ceremony group named Evan. He owes me a favor. Just say you're here to see Evan. He'll know what that means and he'll get you in with the in crowd near the king of the prince but he doesn't know about the job so don't tell him what it is but we're just trying to get you in there okay is there is there anything i should i should tell him just say just say uh i'm here to see evan he's a good friend he'll know that that means i'm calling on his favor and then if he doesn't what if i what if i just tell him that i'm here to kidnap a child

but i don't say which child uh well that's fair To some extent, a lot of NARs overlooked kidnapping, but I would really recommend you don't bring up the kidnapping as much as you can. What if, okay, here, let me, let me try this out on you real quick. What if I say, I'm here to see Evan, he saw a kid napping? Okay, I mean, I... Like a child, like a child sleep. So he has like a code word that lets him know.

that, like, I'm calling a favor on him. So if you just say some weird shit about kids sleeping, he's not going to do anything. Do you understand? I think I understand. I can write it down so you have it. So you'll know what to say. Yeah, maybe write this down for me.

Okay, I'll write it down for you. And just put it under that fold there on the balls. Oh, right. That's where you got stuck last time. Okay. Yeah, there seems to be... Oh, it's still stuck. Okay, it's still sticking.

Yeah, some of the glue has a, his... has warped around my nutsack and it has created kind of like a kangaroo pouch in which I can I can put items that's good that's where that is where I've been putting a lot of my small things like ball bearings okay like ball bearings and uh away from this and now we're back to the day of the event uh where you uh don't have arrived and it begins of course with a feast you see king nardwar stroll up with his massive posse of chie of chieftains of nards and orcs and goblins and they're all like you see on the shoulder of nardwar is his son who's sort of a smaller nard he doesn't have

the penis scorpion tail yet um he's sort of a just sort of like cheering also like on his dad's shoulder and he gathers everyone around and the beginning the first phase of the event the murdering is the feast and you see King Nard war sort of takes

the stage sort of like the says we are here today at Mount Honest Doodle summit of Mount Honest Doodle outside Trebuche village a honorable village and we thank you for having us for this celebration

speech speech speech speech speech speech speech the feast is a time that we celebrate our best our best chef's dishes fresh flesh stew flesh over rice rice scrambled flesh flesh flesh fleshy side up and of course flesh tartar and we will enjoy these magnificent delicacies yes of course but we have given our chefs some of the finest ingredients known to nards and all terrify are born not the flesh of slaves but the flesh of free men and you see everyone go how could he do that oh my god why are we eating slaves this is our way of showing that we wish to grow and learn from the free men from the scaredy cats and i will take the first taste of this freshly

prepared brain bone broth and he takes a skull and he sort of sips it and he says it's awesome and then just eats the head completely and then the feast begins so everyone's feasting everyone's having a good time

um uh dogan you uh see you feel someone tugging at your uh you're kind of like fully encased in your paladin armor right now but you see someone tugging at sort of your uh little like uh like cloth

that's sticking out between your like metal gear right and uh uh and uh you see it's uh little jumanji and he says hi what's up i'm i'm supposed to uh stick by you so uh nice to meet you i'm jimani hey great i'm dogan the dirt goblin it's really nice to meet you jimongi i'm gonna protect you tonight nothing bad is going to happen awesome i like to hear that there's several different types of soil that I want to teach you about tonight. Okay. I'm a kid, so I won't mind for a little bit. Go on. So there's sandy soil. There's clay soil. There's silt, peat, chalk, and loam. You're going to want to get a good mix of these if you're going to, you know, have a successful... Let's go back to loam. What's loam? Loam is a mixture of sand, silt, and clay that is combined to avoid the negative effects of each

type. It is fertile, easy to work with, and provides good drainage. As this is happening, you just hear, like, so it's like you're rattling this off and you have like a helmet on. So it's like, it's like echoing out. Yeah. Patrick

Yoder, you are now sort of like, sauntering up to the festivities. You see like lots of like, you know, displays of past murderings and you see like guys being hung and like just carved around. I'm like talking to somebody's walking by. I have my hands. I have both my hands of my pockets and I'm just kind of like leaning back and looking at it. I'm like, that is one of the best. I mean, were you there? Were you there for this one? I'd say to just like some villager walking by. Yeah, it was really God. Oh, yeah. Wasn't it, wasn't it just amazing when the, the wheels came out and people just started getting the, just started getting rolled over. And their skulls, their skulls were going out their mouths. They were. My cousin got rolled over. I don't know.

There he is. I'm absolutely sorry to hear that. No, no, it's fine. He's sucked ass. Oh, well, then I'm glad. I'm glad your cousin was rolled over. That's what's up. You're a pip.

What's going on? Oh, thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'm actually Patrick Yodar. I'm of the Yodar clan. You may know my uncle. Your chill is shit. Yo, Trunchball's cool.

Yeah, yeah. A lot of people like my uncle Trunchball. Anyway, I got to get going. It was a pleasure talking to you. I hope you have a great day. I hope you fucking hang out. You're the best, man. Let's hang out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to send a carrier pigeon to this address. He'll hold on. Let me, and I'd like reach into my balls in a tiny pocket. Yeah, this is a... Man, sick-ass balls, dude. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I'm very proud of these. I'm very proud of these. All right, wicked. And he hangs himself. Yeah, it looks like he just couldn't handle the festivities. All right, well, I'll have to steal a child. And so you head to the group of goblins. And you see Evan, Evan the goblin, looks at the note on your balls and runs over and goes, hey, hey, tell Sticky on.

I'm down. And who are you again? I'm Evan. Ah, Evan. All right. Well, you're exactly the guy I was supposed to see. This is actually wonderful. This is one of the best things they could happen.

Come on, we got a move, or we're not going to be included in the goblin group. Right. Is there anything I should know about going into this? Oh, just watch out the trolls will sit on you. Right. They will try to sit on you. They will use you as a throw pillow. Well, actually, I have enough, I don't think that'll be a problem for me. Yeah, and I slap my balls. There's plenty of room if you want to hop on, actually. Oh, okay, man, fine, fine, sure, sure. Just hop on the front there.

Okay, tell Sticky, I hopped on your balls. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I'll let him know. And, yeah, and you sort of waddle in on him on your ball. And, yeah, you see, like, orcs are, like, wrestling while they're eating flesh, and trolls are, like, sitting on goblins and laughing as they watch their eyes pop out of their heads. You see, you see, like, hobgoblins, like, stringing up, like, corpses and just playing, treating it like it's a pinata and just, like, laughing. It's just, like, a completely debauched festivity. And now, up your button around the corner, we have our good friend, Eva, Steeval. You've found the cave. You managed to make it through town. There's no issue there. You're just a regular ass to wharf as far as everyone's concerned. And the mouth of the cave as you walk in, it gets like hotter and hotter. Basically you can play like kind of like hot and cold to figure out where the center of this dormant volcano is. You're able to sort of like navigate through. But I'm stripped down all my walk to a white wife beater and boxer shorts with little hearts on them.

yeah uh yeah like a volcano oh man i get okay you're like you're like it starts to get so hot you like unbutton the their boxers uh also like i just love my penis yeah it's just hanging out ah that's much better and uh off in the distance of the uh this place you see a you see something that that that looks like is blocking your way from what you could tell is basically the center of the volcano um it's this you can't quite make out what kind of fiend it is but as a cleric you're pretty familiar with a lot of fiends and demons you've had to study you know it was sort of at one point a know your enemy thing before you chose death domain um and you hear it it's going well you shut up i'm trying to blow up this volcano

and you see it pop out and it's this little hairy thing it's like medium size my my PC froze while that was happening and whatever scream you did went what

so it did do that it went and it's a little it's a cackler and he looks at you and he's like you're gonna blow this place up

ha ha ha ha ha ha uh yeah this place go boom boom ha ha this place go boom boom anyway all right crazy guy well i got something to do so if you could move out of the way stop being so weird i can't move well you're really not that big i guess i'll just walk around you and uh yeah he puts his hand up mm-mm high five all right see you man good talk I just got to let you go through, I guess. It's too funny. He's like, hey, wait.

He starts trying to rush back towards you as you move towards the center of the volcano. So now we move back towards the feast. Celebration is kicked off. And now it's a procession. So the procession involves a long climb up to the top of a mountain. In this case, Mount Honestoodle, which is lined with 1,000 conquered slaves, crucified. but kept alive so that everyone can behead each one as to go out. But King Nardwar says something else.

This year, things will change instead of beheading slaves that are dead, you know, that are almost, that are almost dead. Speech, speech, speech. This year they shall be fully dead. So we do not have to, we can spare them the agony. and you see everyone go Oh wow How could he do that? How can he do that?

I love killing them When they're barely alive I like listening to them scream Why do he do this And you know They're all sort of hubub Hubb hubbub hubb hubb And meanwhile

Dogen so you're walking with the boy And he's like And so tell me more about So you have to till You till the soil But what's tilling right Like what does that mean? Who knows?

I just like to look at it up look at it okay um and patrick chiodar you're hanging out with the goblins you're walking up uh with them uh you see evans he says uh so so so sticky's cool right man he's the coolest yeah sticky great absolutely great guy i mean just one of one of my one of my uh one of my best thieving friends wow that's i think uh we've grown very we've grown very close in the the past couple of weeks yeah uh i think like a fortnight night ago we probably weren't as perk up inside you're your god when you're ding hit the helmet yeah a fortnight ago we were uh you know we weren't as close as we are now

but uh you know a lot can happen in uh 14 days oh yeah 14 days for yeah i mean i tell tell him i'm sorry by the way too yeah he'll know what that means but uh but you know all right i'm not actually going to prod about that i'm just here to do a job okay sorry yeah of course um and uh yeah so you keep going up and meanwhile you um uh uh um evil stevel you approach the center of the cave and you see uh uh the the cackler he says no no no no you see you have to leave this place is this place it's gonna blow what are you not getting funny man I'm here to blow it up. That's the whole point.

No, no, no. You're not supposed to be here. Oh, no, no. And you guys reach the top of this volcano of Mount Honestudal that nobody knows is a volcano. And you see the man that has been chosen to be murdered, none other than Sullivan the frog, tied up in the center on top of the volcano. and he's like I could this is I mean I wouldn't

I should have known and you see as you approach this whole this massive like top of this volcano it just looks like an indent of a mountain you know they don't really know but it's like what a volcano looks like when it sort of like you know stops being active

and you see them all look down at this crater and it's like this like giant sort of like you know gathering of these beasts and you see King Nardwar go to his son

and he looks to you dogan and he says good job and you know thinking you know his boy's safe did a good job and you see the boy turned to you

dogan he says I don't know if I want to kill this guy you really have to kill him okay just not giving a shit And he just gets brought down and you see, he gets brought down the Sullivan and you see the king to address everyone. After this, we can party. So let's make this quick, all right, all right, kid.

So look, everyone, I know I've done some controversial changes now. We're trying to learn how to be normal. we're trying to learn how to eat cheese and you know drink drink wine and maybe play backgammon or bridge something old people do i don't know go for a walk something besides the killing and the eating of flesh though always fun but just not fulfilling we have learned this And so, today, this frog man shall not be killed. Everyone's like gasping. It's like insanely. Instead, he will be stabbed in the leg

500 times. What the shit? What, pets? What? Now, my son, here, take the ceremonial knife. you can do it, Jumanji. And he gives him the knife. And Jumanji looks towards Sullivan,

who's like sort of pinned down to the ground. And Sullivan's like looking up at him with wet frog eyes. And he's like, they're wetter than usual because I'm scared. And you see as the boy starts to get closer and closer. And then the ground beneath all of you begins to shake. First a jutting boom, like a Right? And then

Gentle shakes after that first impact Enough to knock some of the less sure-footed And inebriated folks on their ass But then the rumbling grows And its trembles become shakes And it's low rumbling, a shattering hum And it comes on It comes on like a parent

Storming up to your bedroom You hear their footsteps Like they're going about to fucking tear your head off And you evil, Steevel You hear your stone It goes, now, Evil, Stevil. And you watch your scroll, it appears. It's the spell, a wall of lava.

It's a very powerful spell. And you can now cast it and make lava flow from where you are. But before you can even do that, all this is happening within like a few seconds, you know, and you look below you, Evil Steval, and you look at the cackler, and the caccault, like, and you see black smog, and you see black smog, and you see black smog, forcing itself through a pool of lava down below. It's speed and force, making, makes all sound to you deaf.

It's just gone. And then it washes over you and lifts you skyward, rattling your skull until you're a brain-dead puppet almost immediately. Geronimo. And then a primordial pop as the ground below Jumanji, Sullivan, and everyone else explodes with the force of 10,000 dragons. The sound of... that's right it's fantasy

very cool I had to make sure it was in there I'm gonna I'm gonna die the sound of which turns the rumbling into like it's a just a gentle coup

you know it sends all of you so far into the sky so fast you reach what must be the top of all things the crests between the atmosphere and space you swear

but before the drop pure blackness as your brains completely shut down from the sheer awe of the force and all that's happened then from the darkness only a moment later you hear the familiar nagging voice of life beckoning you forth guys guys guys guys guys guys guys

and you see a frog shaking you awake all three of you Guys, guys, guys, wake up! Wake up! I pressed the top of his head like a snooze button. He's like, ah! I don't work for a second. What the thing?

I do that too. You gotta stop. You gotta stop doing that, please. I'm sorry, I'll stop yelling. I just start kind of hovering my hand over his head. Like, nah, you want, what's up? What's up? Okay.

Can you press down on that real quick? I was actually having I was having a wonderful dream. I was on a gondola. Oh man, you kissed yourself, dude. What the hell? I think this is... Well, that happens.

This is probably a part of the concussion. I hope this isn't forever. Wait, who, hold on. I'm a little bit disoriented here. Which one of us peed ourselves? You look around and you realize you're in some sort of weird fucking forest. um you see uh um you know uh uh uh like squiggling little plants poking in out of the ground almost coordinated

it looks like they're almost like singing little tunes strange bugs fly by they land on a tree even a tree opens up its mouth and eats it um you see a nest of birds and one of them cracks open and becomes an egg that just sprints down the tree um you see a distant in the distance a rock with a sword in it and as careers walk by it says come on maybe you're the true king give it a tongue Come on. Who knows what all happened? And you see Sullivan's eyes go wide as he starts to realize. Oh, God. We're in Whippet Woods. Oh, God. Oh, God. We've got to be two weeks from the village by carriage. Oh, my God. What are we going to do?

What are we going to eat? I hate his head. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. I think real quick, I'm going to try and tug at that sort. board. And you also see another person, the prince, Prince Chumanchi, staring intently at a small furry creature that exposes its throat where another set of eyes pokes out of it. He grabs it quickly and just with one of his six legs and just eats it. And he says, I guess we'll have to make do. And you realize that the five of you somehow launched from whatever

eruption that was into the whip it woods far far away from Chubesha village far from the claw castle

where the terrifier kingdom is and you're sort of without a paddle but the three of you have known each other from work for a while and you kind of probably

got the sense that you're all can handle a blade or two you know um so uh But, yeah, your adventure begins.

Patrick Yoder, did you want to grab the sword from the stone? Yeah, I'm going to take a, I'm going to get it. Oh, come on. I know you look strong, buddy. Hey, thank you so much for saying that. I'm actually, I'm going to, actually, I'm going to give this a go real quick. Oh, hey, I know you're going to do it. I know you're going to do it.

Oh, I'm going to do it. And you grab the sword. Just back up, back up a little bit, you guys. And as you pull it, you see the face on the rock. that was chatting you up, turned just demonic. And as you pull the sword, you pull up this giant fucking nasty worm, slug, rock monster. And he says, thanks, I'm hungry.

That is not what I was expecting to happen. And we'll roll from initiative. I knew it. Nope. Roll initiative and take it from there next one. Nice. Perfect. Now, having been launched mysteriously from Trebushay Village, and even more mysteriously survived, our hero's adventures can begin in earnest,

with a lost prince and a weird frog. Who knows what lies in wait for the gang? Oh, and what's that in the O over there? is that the big bad is that the evil the big evil man who's lurking over the what's that is that their hand hovering over all of planet ebon oh is that a little ratty attendant going yes master who could that master be i guess there's only one way to find out it would be to listen to the show Trebushay Village. Ah, ha, ha.