Podcrushed - Host AMA: Family

Episode Date: September 18, 2024

Questions, meet answers! In our fourth themed AMA of the season, the hosts answer *your* questions about all things family. From Nava's countless hours of bonding with her dad while watching "Match Game", to Penn's theories on healthy boundaries, to the time in Sophie's childhood where her dad had to angrily tell her not to spit on people -- everything is on the table.  Follow Podcrushed on socials: TikTok Instagram XSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Lemonada Family episode Clap in three, two, one See? I didn't know we were doing that, sorry. Three, two, one. Welcome to Pod Crush. Oh.

I kind of hated that. That's the first thing you said to us. all day. Yeah, why, what was so detestable about it? No, it wasn't. It was actually adorable. Your face, you were like, you were like joking but kind of serious. So he said the thing that was detestable was my face.

Yeah, yeah, let's just get that on record. Well, so, hold on, that's not detestable. I just want to be clear that that was the thing that made me just go, oh, you guys are so shiny face, fresh face, little. Little fat soes, just like add to the... Little fat soes. No, that's where you're taking it. Mine has solely to do with your hard-earned naivete in the business of show.

I was just trying to think of ways that Penn could continue to, like, further insult. Penn, I have a question for you. Yeah. I've been thinking about this for a while. When you travel economy, because you sometimes do, what is that like? Not anymore, but very recently I did. Okay. Well, until your very recent years, what was that experience like?

What would happen with the people next to you? I mean, well, first of all, it was awful. I don't know what your experience is like, but there's excrement on the floor. It comes up to your knees sometimes. I mean, it's just, I don't know how you deal with the smell. So the way I used to rock it until my current show you, it just wasn't really ever, you know, I would deal with it a lot,

but it was not quite at the level that it is now. And I just feel like I was also younger maybe. It was more nimble. I was more... But what was it like? what were the reactions of people sitting next to you? Sometimes sometimes would be somebody who reacts the way you've seen somebody react and then you just sort of...

But you're trapped with them for 12 hours or something. I mean, it's quite different than like a stranger on the street. But I think in that context it just always was like nobody really wants to talk all a plane flight, you know? And I mean, like there was a sweet spot right after I became a Baha'i that I would just use it to eventually tell. anybody about the Baha'i faith. To proselytize. Yeah. Were you the guy?

Let's clarify this. There was the story on Dumas that a Baha'i walked up to someone at a diner at like 3 a.m. and was trying to teach them the Baha'i faith? Was it you, Penn Badgeley? Because there's only three options. Let's be honest.

Wait, was it a famous Bahae? Yeah, yeah. They were like a fan. Dumas only posts stories about famous people. So there was like a famous Bahae came up to me at a diner at 3am and like kept talking to me about his religion. Was that you?

So I think I normally can read the room. I normally can read the room, but at 3 a.m., who's to say? It's possible? It's possible. There's a short list of us. Yeah. I could text the others. Yeah, yeah.

It's one of you three. I feel like it's highly possible. Yeah. But I'm careful about that because I definitely don't want, I mean, it's only if it's relevant and someone asks them and then they're interested. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah.

I feel like you're a considerate. Yeah, yeah. I feel like all three. I'm thinking of all three. I don't imagine any scenario where one of them like marches up to someone at a diner at 3 a.m. I think this was probably the one thing on Dumas that's inaccurate. The one. Yeah, yeah.

Everything else is. Okay, so we're talking about Justin Baldoni and Rain Wilson. It's, I mean, first of all, if any of us are in a diner for any reason at 3 a.m. And somebody's talking to us and then somehow, I mean, sure, all three of us are definitely going to share. Yeah. But is the context that we were, like, annoying and culta? or something. Yes, cultish.

I think it was cultish. Was the conduct. Exactly. Yeah, well, I am nothing, if not culty. Yeah. I don't know. Lean into it. That's your brand.

So if you're trapped on a flight with Penn Badgley, he will talk to you for a few minutes, but then, you know, you'll both listen to your headphones to your own thing. But let's be clear again, not anymore. Private or first all the way. Private? You're flying private. Are you kidding me? No.

Can we get a seat on that? Did you guys see that Rayne Wilson was on a flight maybe a year ago in first class and the guy next to him was watching the office the whole time? And then he at a certain point in the flight like takes his mask off and asks the guy like, what are you watching? And he's like, oh, the office. He's like, I've never seen it. He has like a full on conversation with this guy about the office. And then or he has, he does that while he has his mask on. And then eventually he takes his mask off and the guy's like, oh.

Rain's voice is so distinct though I feel like yeah I mean but you wouldn't you wouldn't suspect it You wouldn't expect that that's happening I haven't seen that that sounds really fun Yeah That's about as iconic as it gets to Because the Dwight Shrew character

The Office and the and the fandom That that show elicits is so significant And the guy even said he's like Get the first few seasons they're finding themselves But you know gets better later on He's like oh yeah Oh yeah Yeah. Sophie, would you say that the office is a show that has brought your family together?

You know, no, actually. My dad and I watched the office as it was coming out together, just he and I. That was like an activity we did together. We watched it on our IMac, actually, because we were in the Philippines. That's so charming. Yeah, the white, big IMac. We would watch it together. So it's definitely brought my dad and I together. And it's brought David and I together. But I don't think anyone else in my family really watches it. like I did. Nice. Yeah. That was my segue. We're talking about family today. I'm starting work.

Don't you love these host episodes? We're such great podcasts. Yeah. It's getting better. I am clocking in. Pow, pow, pow. Does anyone else ever get that nagging feeling that their dog might be bored? And do you also feel like? like super guilty about it.

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We're talking about their journeys, their creative process, and the legacies they're building every single day. Come be a part of the conversation. Season two drops July 29. Listen to Legacy Talk wherever you get your podcast, or watch us on YouTube. First question. I didn't actually care of them brought your family together.

I'm just realizing. Okay. Well, someone did ask us, what are core practices that strengthen the family unit? I would say watching stuff together is something. For sure. I feel like watching TV is something that bonded my family. I'm thinking specifically my dad and I, we would watch, so you think you can dance. It premiered when I was in college. And every time I'd come home, he would record TVR them or something because it was a different setup, obviously, than now.

And he would save them. And then we'd watch them together and we would always, like, cry. And I just remember that show. being like particularly bonding for us. And then we actually went to a live taping of it and it was really special. Yeah, but I'm trying to think there's a whole family. My mom was kind of the outlier in pop culture taste.

I'm trying to think there was a show that we all liked. I think we all liked friends. I think that was very bonding for our family. We watched The Voice. I've said this before. Yeah. Also, do you do the Great British Bakeoff? Is that one also for you guys?

There was a time. And I'm trying to think of when that was. There was something I used to watch with my stepson back when he was like, 10 to 10 to 13 we would watch oh what was it called something like catching monsters or something it was a fishing show oh okay with uh with uh but immediately lost interest as like this cult guy can stuff it was um really really sweet and i think dom would would be able to watch every now and then but yeah the voice has been this singular show in our family singular which unites us all besides TV, one thing that's coming to mind is my parents each had, not intentionally, but each had something

with each child. Like my mom, often it was like coffee dates or lunch dates. Sometimes she'd pull me out of school and she'd be like, let's get lunch together. And that was really sweet. Yeah, that would be really memorable. Would you drink coffee then? No, but we would go, she was obsessed with coffee and we would go with her and I'd get a pastry or, you know, hot chocolate, something like that. And then with my dad, I loved going into like tech stores with him, you know, like radio. Radio Shack or best by, that type of thing. I just loved doing that with him. That is very sweet.

I think it is hard to find one that does, one that unites them all, like the room. It's because especially as they get older and if you have a big age spread, you know, it's, but yeah, you've got to find something with each one. I'm just having flashbacks. So I grew up in Puerto Rico and my name is a last name in Puerto Rico or in some Spanish-speaking cultures, Nava, but it's not a common first name. Anyway, I remember sometimes when I was sad, there was a street near my school called Gallenaava. And the first time my mom took me there, I was really sad about something my mom had discovered it. And she just drove me there. And I, like, instantly cheered up.

And sometimes when I was sad, she would just drive me on that street. And I'm like, it's so narcissistic, I guess. It would really cheer me up. My street. My people. And one other thing we would do in our neighborhood, there was, we lived near the ocean. But there was also like a lagoon, a few blocks from our house that had. There was like a concentration of fish right at the, sort of like, right where you could overlook the lagoon and you could see them.

And sometimes if I was feeling sad, my mom would walk me and we would just go watch the fish. And it was like, it would always cheer me up. Those were two things. Yeah. But I guess spending time together and finding out like what your kid or your parent or that member of the unit you're trying to connect with like what's their special thing doing it with them. Member of the unit. Such a loving term. Any other practices?

I think going on vacation, serving together, if that's your jam, praying together. What do you mean by serving? Like in our family, we did a lot of service together. And I would say that often it made me hate my parents. But I think in the long view of time, it probably bonded us as a family. But we did a lot of service together. Like we opened our home for things. We would visit the elderly.

We would visit sick people. Whenever we went on vacation, until I was in college, my mom insisted that we do a local service activity. Like, we could not go on vacation without doing service. Yeah, she thought it was so, she thought it was really inappropriate to just, like, take a vacation without any meaningful component. Like to her, that was a waste of time. I love that. Yeah.

But when we went to college, she let that go. She's like, they're developed as humans now. She's like a real vacation. Finally. She's been waiting. Yeah. Which parent are you most like personality-wise? I'm definitely most like my mom.

Actually, I want to, because we've heard a lot about Helen. and I want to hear more about this, but how are you, how are you like your dad and how aren't you like your dad? Gosh, I wish I was more like my dad. He's honestly, he's like very wise. He's very, um, he's very thoughtful. Like, I remember when I was a teenager, if I did something, there were several times where I did something they, that was really disappointing to my parents. And my mom's reaction would be to like get really emotional, yell, you know, or whatever. Yeah.

That was her way of showing disappointment. And then my dad was very measured. and he would kind of balance her out. He's very affectionate. I'm very affectionate too. Yeah, he's a wonderful, gentle, gentle dad. So sweet. I am, which parent am I most like?

I feel like I'm a good blend. Growing up, I was way more like my dad. But as I've gotten older, I have developed some of my mom's traits. So a bit of a blend, but more like my dad. Definitely. My dad and I are two peas in a pod. We play This isn't that funny

I don't know why I'm already laughing But we play match game Do you guys know that game? This is the same earnestness That earlier I was like Now in this context It's so honest Like the memory card game

Like you match two things There's a game on TV called match game It was like a 70s game show That was rebooted Anyway there's like five seasons of it And basically there's a panel Of celebrity guests And then two normies

And they're trying to like match words it's hard to explain but my dad and I play along so we'll like pause sounds kind of simple actually yeah so my dad and I play and we so often write the exact same word and there's one where you do it in order like what's your top answer what's your top two and we'll write it in the same order and none of the celebrities will have written it so it's not like we wrote the obvious answer it's just that we think in the exact same way and it's like nuts yeah so yeah if you spend any time with nava and her dad it is like two two two pieces in a pod exactly it's like a comedy routine that you really should have that's a podcast that should be the podcast right there yeah also the way we

that's a hidden camera show yeah we fight over stupid yeah the way you at least the way you so i've obviously never seen you fight yeah um but the way you talk about it is very uh that sounds it's like an abbott and castello routine yeah yeah what about you penn which family member are you the most likely to like i would say that um a pretty even mix of both. I have a lot of mannerisms and then of course the way that I look from my father.

Penn looks exactly like his father. It's kind of nuts. Yeah, it's, although I see differences that others seem to be less aware of. Like we have very different noses, but then, you know, whatever. My mom, I'd say,

there's things. There's definitely things. So many things. You know? You know, thing one, thing two, that's a cat in the hat. There's at least three things. No, I'd say probably, well, I was going to say affability, but I don't know if I'm affable. What does affable mean?

If it is true that I'm generous, then I think that comes from my mom. Yeah, it is true, yeah. Yeah, it is true. You're easy to get along with. I would say you're affable. Sure. Is that affable? Okay, yeah. I thought, I was like, that's not what generous means.

I don't know if that's what I mean. Yeah, I am easy to get along with. That comes from my mom. Yeah. When, you know, in, for anyone who doesn't know, in the Baha'i faith, you need to ask for consent before you can get married and have a Baha'i wedding. Consent from your parents. Because marriage is supposed to be something that not only brings two people together, but like two families as well. So anyway, we, David and I were asking my parents for consent when we were getting to know each other. before they said my mom immediately said yes absolutely and my dad is like I have some questions and he asked what do you love about each other like what is it that makes you want to get married to each other and I was like well these are my parents David's probably nervous I'm going to say if you I'm going to start so that he has time to think and so I like go I say a few things and then it's David's turn

and he takes a long pause he goes oh so many things um It's a lot as, you know, Sophie's great. And I was like, say one thing. Say one. And in the end, he said all the exact things I had said about him because he could not think. He was just so nervous. Yeah, he was so stressed. That's really funny.

Yeah. Say one. You know, the interesting thing about when we say that, like why we love somebody, I've always thought that has this interesting context where it's like, therefore my love is conditional. That's true. Like, I've always thought that it's, like, I get it, I get it. Yeah.

But, you know, after you've said, you know, I mean, I met Dom like 10 years ago, I'd say. So, like, how many more times can I write something? You know, the thing I love about you? And there have, to me, I've just thought about it in the last probably, I don't know, four to five years a lot. Like, when we say, like, and then I love about you and I love about your, the way you do this and the way you laugh when this, and the way your hair falls. And by the way, it's anything physical, like, get ready to lose that, you know, at some point.

Yeah. And I don't know. I've just, what do you guys think about unconditional love? Actually, as you were speaking, I was wondering, do partners have unconditional love for each other? Yeah, I don't think they do. Because I feel like there are some conditions. Like, like if David cheats on Sophie, she's leaving him. She's blasting it all over social media.

There's like a revenge plan happening. Yeah. But it will be one of those like us weekly images, you know, where the paper's torn. That's the picture. above the post No but I feel like I don't know It is a real question Is this funny because it seems so clear

that David would never do it just to be That's why I think it's funny Yeah yeah David would never cheat on Sophie Never Because he knows what would happen Sophie has made it So that he will never cheat on it No it's a real question

I've actually been wondering about it recently Like is I think the love between parents and children Barring some strange exceptions Is unconditional sibling love I think is unconditional but I don't know if romantic love is unconditional people divorce late into their marriages like I don't know when you love someone enough that you want to get married to them there is some part of that love that is inexplicable

you know it's it's just a feeling and why do we have to why do we have to qualify it yeah qualify it's better I just want to say codify stick around we'll be right back all right so um let's just let's just real talk as they say for a second that's a little bit of an aged thing to say now that that that dates me doesn't it um but no real talk uh how important is your health to you know on like a one to 10 and i don't mean the in the sense of vanity i mean in the sense of like you want your day to go well right you want to be less stressed you don't want it as sick

when you have responsibilities um i know myself i'm a household i have uh I have two children and two more on the way, a spouse, a pet, you know, a job that sometimes has its demands. So I really want to feel like when I'm not getting the sleep and I'm not getting nutrition, when my eating's down, I want to know that I'm being held down some other way physically. You know, my family holds me down emotionally, spiritually, but I need something to hold me down physically, right? And so honestly, I turn to symbiotica, these vitamins and these beautiful little packets

that they taste delicious and I'm telling you even before I started doing ads for these guys it was a product that I I really really liked and enjoyed and could see the differences with the three that I use I use I use the what is it called liposomal vitamin C and it tastes delicious like really really good comes out in the packet you put it right in your mouth some people don't do that I do it I think it tastes great I use the liposomal glutathione as well in the morning, really good for gut health. And although I don't need it, you know, anti-aging. And then I also use the magnesium L3 and 8, which is really good for, for, I think, mood and stress. I sometimes use it in the morning, sometimes use it at night. All three of these things

taste incredible. Honestly, you don't even need to mix it with water. And yeah, I just couldn't recommend them highly enough. If you want to try them out, go to symbiotica.com slash podcrush for 20% off plus free shipping. That's symbiotica.com slash podcrushed for 20% off plus free shipping. As the seasons change, it's the perfect time to learn something new. Whether you're getting back into a routine after summer or looking for a new challenge before the year ends, Rosetta Stone makes it easy to turn a few minutes a day into real language progress. Rosetta Stone is the trusted leader in language learning for over 30 years. Their immersive, intuitive method helps you naturally absorb and retain your new language on desktop or mobile whenever and

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Maybe you guys can help me. Growing up, have you had difficulty staying friends with people who you thought had a healthier family? Does that mean like who had a healthier family than you did or like you thought they had a healthy family and then they did it? I think what they mean is like if you had a tricky family dynamic, did you have a hard time being friends with people who had a healthy one? I think, well actually I think that's an interesting question because I can't really think of a case where I was genuinely, I'm thinking the people I was close with and they all had very similar family dynamics. It was probably part of why we were friends and why it stuck. I do on this show I'm just trying to think of a joke

where like yeah I don't know I mean Sophie your family is comically yeah I know that you have all your problems and stuff sometimes you just act like you hate each other Dad you're being less gentle just for fun just when we're practicing our drama

You're being less gentle. Mom, you didn't lay with me tonight and ask me how I'm doing genuinely. Honestly, this is actually whenever I bring up, like, issues with my family, this is what it sounds like, you are perfect. You lowered the bar for seven hours of today. And then you apologize And when you apologize I just wasn't really feeling it I just wanted to be on my phone

and stuff By the way thanks for paying my phone bill I'm going to try to get off as soon as I can That is exactly what it sounds like It's sweet It is really sweet Well so do you feel jealous

No, actually. I'm old enough that jealousy is not what I feel. I feel something else. What do you feel, girl? I feel it probably brings me closer, closer in touch with my grief. But then, but then also knowing that it's, it's very sweet to have. To, you know, to know, you, you are a little bit of an outlier of, like, probably anybody who's unknown, which I haven't been very, very healthy. Yeah, I think so, too. It has said to me before, like, your family is not normal. Like, it's actually helpful for me to know that your family is not normal. But, yeah, I don't, I hadn't felt this growing up, but I do, I put this question in here

because I do know people who have felt that growing up. I've heard people, I've heard friends talk about that. Tough to be friends with you because of your own, you're good. Not with me, but just in general, that phenomenon. Well, you don't know. I don't know. They just dropped out of my life. Yeah.

I don't know why. Talking about those friend breakups. Yeah. I have so many friend breakups. Yeah, because they're just like, I can't do it. Your family, bro. I cannot deal. No, but I do think this is a real thing that people do face.

Yeah. I mean, I feel like I'm fortunate. Like, I'm grateful for my family, but we definitely have fought. And I won't give too many details because it's, you know, not for me to share. But my dad and I have really not had real fights. I mean, we've had like really stupid fights where we're like yelling at each other at the top of our lungs, not frequently, a couple in my life, but over the most idiotic things. But we had a real fight last summer. And it was like our first real fight.

And it was late into both of our lives to have it. And I mean, it was like a real fight. Like I took a day away on a family trip. I like booked my own hotel room, went to my own city, just like needed to cool off. He also needed to cool off. But it was really hard, actually. It kind of like disrupted the dynamic for a little bit. And my sister had our own thing.

But Jen and I are sort of like great, great, great, volatile. That's like part of our pattern from our whole life. That's how we are. That's just not as strange for us to have moments like that. But it just took us all longer to recover than usual. That's not going anywhere, but just wanted to be up front that like don't have a perfect family dynamic,

you know, have had these things. But I love being around solid families and I love being around happy married couples. Like it actually like it's something that I like seek because I want like hope in that. Like to remember. that there are people who are happy in their marriages to remember that there are people

whose families aren't like just like unhappy or always fighting or it's just like always like a slog and a burden because sometimes you get that feeling from people so I like being around people who are like so happy to be in their family and I feel like it's like refreshing and it's like oh yeah that would be worth it if I could find someone to do that with yeah yeah so you're saying you're avoiding people facing difficulties yeah if you're facing difficulties that's not the vibe that I'm And Sophie's like, well, I'm just going to hang out with my family. Well, I feel like I should clarify, since you clarified, obviously not a perfect family. We fight all the time.

But close. But close. Pretty close. Close you can get. The clarification only proves. So he's like, I've dreamt of having a big fight with my dad. Yeah. It's so gentle.

I ate a nightmare. Yeah. Do you ever blame your family for the negative emotions that you have now? Who else are you going to? blame yeah it's true god that's that's who you've got and if you don't believe in god you've got your family yeah who you hate tell us one family tradition well hold on we could think of I mean you want to keep going with that one yeah we know we have we have something something to think about here so there's a blame is a word I'd say ultimately blame no you can't blame anyone for

what's the what is it I mean for your negative emotions for your negative emotions i mean yeah you really can't blame any i mean there's of course exceptions to a rule like this but there comes a point where no matter what's been done to you no matter i mean kind of yeah no matter you can't you can't you can understand the source you can understand if there's if there's an event sure but then there comes a point where even that you can't blame anyone for your negative emotions. Yeah, I think probably the first step when you recognize like a dynamic

that you have or a negative emotion that you have, first step might be like, blame your parents for it. Or blame your parents for it. You need to be more gentle. The second step might be like not blaming them but understanding that's the context that you came from. And then like the final step,

which hopefully you can get to is just like moving past that and figuring out where you. you go from here like I feel like it's you can't continue to bring up your family yeah for as like the source of your issues at some point it gets old and it's like well then you're not dealing with it like move forward yeah I feel like for me it's I don't want to say complicated but because my mom has passed I think there's just a natural get out of jail free card no there's like a natural habit to not want to think about someone in a negative light who's passed so I don't often think about her shortcoming she had many

like any person I was very familiar with hers my mom and I really were like oil and water for a long time and then as I got older our relationship got much much closer but when I was little we fought a lot the thing I said about me and my dad not the case for me and my mom constantly when you say little like until I was like 18

my whole life until I was 18 but my mom and I were like would butt heads a lot we were quite different and fought a lot and both very dramatic but there's like one particular thing that I struggle with that I just like recently was like this is really my mom's fault and there's like really something that she did that was like pretty toxic and to just like be able to like say it and I called my sister and I talked to her about it and it was like I'm not like mad at her and I feel

like I need to be able to say it even though she's dead yeah she really shouldn't have done that and it like harmed me yeah yeah but I don't think about it often because like she can't defend herself we can't have a conversation about it every time you revisit a memory you change it. So, you know, but yeah. Yeah, I think that acknowledgement is important to you. Actually, Penn gave me really helpful advice for those of you who do pray in an area of my life where he feels that I struggle. He was like, hey, you should ask your ancestors to help you. Do you remember what you said? It was like, ask your ancestors to show you what they've passed on to you that's harmful because all of this stuff is inherited. Do you remember this pen? You said something like, yeah, can you

say it? Say it to everyone, but say it to our listeners because it was very helpful. Well, I mean, it's just basically what you just said. I mean to me is like and I think it's also it's a help it's a helpful idea for even those who are like kind of dabbling and agnostic and um I don't think I can say any better than you just said it. It's essentially that a lot of what we're dealing with is inherited a lot, you know, a whole whole whole whole lot. And then the other stuff is cultural which is technically inherited in some way. So I think you know the people you came from who've most recently died your grandparents, your great-grandparents, ask them, ask them for help. Because, you know, in some way, they're the best, if they were alive, and you could go back

and be like, hey, what were you dealing with? Then your kids were dealing with and now I'm dealing with. And actually, I just logged on Instagram for the first time in a very long time to check my DMs, as one does. and I also noted why I don't get on it and why I put it on the last page of my home screen because I got stuck on it for like 17 minutes and I saw something that I'm pretty sure

was narrated by Edward Norton. I'm going to pull it up on my phone. I took a screenshot of it. So he's talking about, he says, for many of us, our generational curse is avoidance. And from what I understood, you know, our grandparents all were living in a world that was ravaged in a way that it had never known.

And a lot of that has been anesthetized by our, by, you know, good war movies almost in a way. It's like we've an noble did, we think of it in certain lights, but like the world was just sort of rocked, you know? And nobody knew how to deal, basically. And so basically everybody drank more and they didn't need to already, but they did, you know. And you just have a whole generation

of people just avoiding intense pain. Yeah. You know? And so we art did inherit that. We have inherited people who don't know how to deal with serious, serious, like unprecedented pains that shook the world culturally and individually. And so we find ourselves in a very strange age where we've never been more connected, but we're never more isolated from each other.

And this is one of the reasons why. And it is not only generational or cultural, it's both and it's really vexing. And what, I mean, seriously, like what respite are we ever going to have unless we at least think to look to our ancestors to both for help but also like to forgive them you know it's a it to me the the beautiful relief of like a spiritual framework when it comes to your family lineage is that you can have a rapport you know and who knows until you die what that actually is and what it will be but uh i i just think it's such an such a dynamic i wish i'd adopted it earlier i wish i really had thought about that growing up you know i could have used it so penn gave me that

advice and I started to do that. I said all of that. Yeah, it was so long. But he gave me this advice and he was like, I think you should pray and ask your ancestors to show you like what you've inherited that's harmful and ask them to help you let it go and to work extra hard to help you. So I started to do that and I guess I singled out the women in my family for some reason. So I started praying my mom and my two grandma, Sabi He and Martha.

And I've never felt particularly close to Sabie He, who's my mom's mom's mom. And it happens to be my namesake. My middle name is Sabie Hey. but after I started doing it like a few months later I've never shared this during the podcast because I wanted to tell the person first but I have told him so I feel like I can share it now but basically I was like getting to know someone sort of loosely I considered it getting to know each other I don't know what he considered it but I also broke it off and then regretted it and tried to like take it back and he was like we're good um and I was very sad and tried to take it back as in you want it to

start it back let's let's keep going and he was like no I'm good I'm good let's let's let's take break or whatever. And like a week later, and I felt the lesson was super clear. Like the thing that triggered me, the way that I handled it, that I avoided saying what I really felt, just cut it off instead of being vulnerable, asking questions. So I was like, oh, I know exactly what I did wrong in this situation, but I can't seem to reverse it. And I was really sad for about a week, which is actually a short amount of time for me. Normally I'm sad or for much longer. But part of what helped me was that for about a week, I was very sad. I was having trouble sleeping. I was feeling like forlorn. And so one day I was sitting in my living room and in the Baha'i faith,

we have revealed prayers and they're organized by occasion. So there's like prayers for when you're sick, prayers for healing, prayers for spiritual growth. And there's a section in the prayer book called prayers for families. And in that section, there's a prayer you can say for your husband. Anyway, so I was, I was feeling really sad and I was like, I don't even know what to pray about. I just don't want to feel this way. So I'm going to say one prayer for every occasion and see if like one of them hits. Like if one of these will like help heal the wound. And so I started saying like, you know, an alphabetical order each section. And then I got to the family section. And I hadn't decided whether I was going to say the husband prayer or the ones for parents or whatever. And my

grandmother just walked in the room. Like I could just see her clear as day. Sabie Hey. And she came and sat down right next to me. And I wasn't even questioning it. Like, I wasn't like what's happening. It was just like, oh, my, my grandmother's here. And I looked at her and she looked at me and she was like, you don't need to be, don't be so sad. It will come around when the timing is right. But you can't be upset at him and you can't judge him because you didn't handle this the right way.

But just like give it time and it'll come back around. And then I said the prayer for husband and she was like right next to me. And when I finished, she was gone. I didn't like see her leave, but I saw her enter. And then a couple weeks later. She's still there. She's still ending my living right now. She's locked in.

She's like, she's stuck. She's locked there with your dogs. She's trapped. But two weeks later, he and I met up for coffee. And on the walk to the coffee shop, I had a panic attack. And I've only had a few in my life, but I've had two around this person. And I was like on the sidewalk, like having a panic attack. I couldn't breathe.

And my grandmother just came and she just stood right next to me. And she interlinked her arms with mine. And it's the strangest thing because I couldn't physically feel her doing it, but I knew that that's what was happening. And she just helped me breathe. And it like helped me calm down. And then I started laughing at some point. And she was like teasing me.

She's like, it's not that big of a deal. Like, it's just a guy. You'll be fine. Just go. And, yeah, it was really helpful. And I only recently connected it with the fact that Penn had been like, pray to your ancestors. Ask them to help you. It's like, oh, I think she responded.

Yeah. You know. This was really meaningful. I think we should, there should be like a J-Lo era romantic comedy where the protagonist is just surrounded by her ancestors. Yeah. All dead. It's actually a really good idea. And she's like,

who's like, whew, no, it's okay. And then they're like all around to it. Like, you know. Like, fanning her with

she's just always helped by. It's so funny. Because Sophie's also just listening like, yeah, totally normal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You know exactly what you mean. You didn't see. I get it. You know exactly. Yeah. And then so actually the two leads

are just like talking to each other and they're, and they're, and they're totally accepting that dead people are surrounding them constantly, and sometimes they're just like, get out of them. I can't even see my friend. There's too many dead people in this room. Can you guys just please give us a second?

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Find it wherever you get your podcast and start listening today. I thought this question from a listener was interesting. Do family members need to know the boundaries you've set with them or is that just for you? And I recently saw something on Instagram when I was scrolling for more than 17 minutes that boundaries are something that you put in place. Nobody else has to know about them. But that what we have come to mean when we say boundaries are requests of other people. Like a lot of the times when someone says they're setting a boundary, you're making somebody

else do something. But really a boundary is just like something that you are putting in place. And you just, you could let someone know that you're doing that. But it shouldn't require anything of that person. So I think if we're really setting in place healthy, quote unquote, boundaries, then our family members don't need to know about them. Like it shouldn't be something that somebody else needs to do something for. They exist, I think is the point. I think real boundaries, they exist.

It doesn't mean, and it's all imperfect and we struggle to understand this and I've struggled to understand this. But I think boundaries are what they are. You know, you realize like, where is the boundary? Is there no boundary? Is it too close? Is it too far? Whatever it is. And then I think you, we all need to put in work

to sort of to move it to a place that's healthier, you know? Because the boundary isn't literally like this perimeter with signs that you put up. It just never works that way because otherwise you're making a request that sometimes is like it's sort of unnatural, it's forced. It's just, in fact, I think if sometimes if you state, there are a lot of times in real long-term lived life with family, especially. A stated boundary does very little, you know? Like it won't, it'll just seem maybe passive aggressive sometimes, I think, depending, depending.

Obviously, consult your physician, you know, this is not intended to treat or cure any disease of any form. But, you know, so I like that. I like whatever Instagram account you got that from. So I think that's good. How much? Thoughts on cutting off toxic family members. I don't have experience with this. There's no one way to slice it, I think.

It's really, really contextual. Yeah. I think, you know, we were talking about boundaries a moment ago. This pertains to that. I also think the word toxic is one that is probably, you know, it's used a lot, as is the word trauma, as is like, you know, we all could do with taking more and more responsibility for the circumstances of our interior life and our external life. and if we're putting a lot of that on family and feel like it's their fault somehow, then, you know, that's true to a point

and then there's a point where you just have to live your life cutting off family. I mean, well, you know, so if we are supposing that death, we all kind of, this relationship continues, there is no full amputation, you know, So I think it's, sometimes silence is really healthy and great, it seems, for certain moments, for certain times. And then there's others where it's like, well, you can't deny the relationship that exists unless, you know, in the not super rare, actually, cases, but like, you know, the unfortunate circumstance where being around them is literally unsafe, that kind of thing. Well, then I don't think you're cutting off a toxic family member.

You're dealing with an abuser and you have to know. That's a specific set of circumstances in and of itself. So I would actually then ask, what do we mean about toxic? Yeah. Yeah, I think outside of the most extreme cases where it might be warranted, I wonder if it maybe ends up taking up more space in your life and in your brain if you cut out a family member. Because I think it's going to be painful to do that,

even if it's someone who you don't. enjoy being around. It's, it's painful in the end. And I wonder if it has more harm than good. Well, this might be too reductive. I agree completely in like cases of abuse. There are cases where someone is not healthy enough to be present in your life or your children's lives. And, and that's that. But I think I've mentioned this before, but an epiphany that I had this year is just like how important it is to be able to initiate difficult conversations and how much I hate doing that. And actually, I was listening to this audio book.

Maybe it's the road less traveled. It's like a very famous self-help book. It's one of the early ones. I can't remember it. But the author of it, he defines neuroses. And I hadn't heard this definition before. It's like someone who can't accept reality. So they create an alternative reality.

And he was saying that part of what causes neuroses and people is not knowing how to address difficult situations and have difficult conversations. So they just avoid avoid and then they just kind of like author their own. own reality rather than like facing the difficulty head on. So he was saying that the that the one of the most important things parents can teach their children is how to have a difficult conversation and how to meet difficulties in life because it's part of the pattern of life. So don't teach your children to avoid it. But like head on how do you address difficult things? And I was saying like that's incredible. I think that would be incredible parenting like that I think that's such great advice. And I wonder if even

this thing of like cutting off people who are toxic if some of that snowballs into something really toxic because early on you don't have a difficult conversation like I wonder if there's some prevention that that we could have if we could just like address things head on very early on before that's not always the case of course but no totally I think that's really valid speaking of cutting off toxic family members I think we should end this podcast at a tight 60 wait wait wait well we had let's let's do one more story if anyone remembers just because it could be a fun way to end one prompt was just tell us your most unhinged family story So I don't have like an unhinged family memory,

unhinged family story. This isn't unhinged, but it's kind of sweet. So we... So it's not the question, but go ahead. I'm going to ask you. This is just like a sweet family memory. It happened a couple times, but there's one time that I remember distinctly.

So we had a gathering at the Baha'i Center. I think I must have been like 13. My sister was 16 and then my parents were in whatever they're in their 50s. Anyway, there was this one gentleman in the community. I'm actually going to say his name. because I'm saying this with Bannes, Frankie Perfecto. And he, that's his name. Frankie Perfecto.

He was also in his 50s. And he loved to close out a meeting with a prayer called the Tablet of Ahmed. And he would lightly chant it in Spanish. And it's a very lengthy prayer. And when he would say it. That would take about what, like eight minutes or something? Something like that. Because if you were chanting it, that's.

Yeah, chanting it. And when he would start sometimes my sister, because he wouldn't always do it, but he would often do it, we'd be like, please, Frankie, you just want to leave this feast. Please don't say the tablet of him. And so when he would start, we would just look at each other and sometimes we would lose it. And my parents would usually like glare at us. Like, that's so disrespectful. But there was this one feast where I think my parents also really wanted to leave.

And we were like about to leave and then Frankie started it. And we all looked at each other and we just lost it. Like the four of us were hysterically laughing and we had to leave the room one by one, like a little walk of shame. That's really true. That's one of my favorite family memories. You know, I think if you're chanting it, because I use that one a lot and I think if you say it, it's like. The guy at the meeting that everyone's like, oh, God, then. No, but no, no, I don't say it at meetings, but so it's five to seven minutes if you say,

if you're chanting it, that thing is at least 10 minutes. It's at least 10. It could easily be 15 or 16. So, yeah, that's a, that's a tough one. Recently, my family took a trip to Mexico City and we took like a short side trip to a beach town. And we didn't know, but there was, it was like hurricane season. Oh. And we were all there with our, actually, my brother was.

was the only one with his spouse. My sister and I, our husbands didn't come. So it was like my sister and I, my brother, his wife and family and my parents. And we were in this villa. And there was rain all through the day, but it seemed like manageable. But it was like an indoor, outdoor villa. So you're kind of like exposed to the elements. And you have to go to get to each room, you have to be outside. And as the day is progressing, the rain is getting worse and worse. and then it gets to be nighttime and the lights won't turn on, the power's out, the water's out. And my brother's wife, Millie, had gone to her room, so like basically a separate structure with her baby earlier in the night to put her to bed and just stayed there.

So for a short time, it was just like the original five members of our family, which, you know, when spouses start to enter the picture and then especially when children start to, to enter the picture. That happens far less, you know, and changes the dynamic. And I remember on this trip, I wasn't pregnant, didn't have a baby. And I was, so I was the only sibling without, like, my own nuclear family. It was the first time my sister had, I had seen my sister with a baby. And I was already facing some kind of like grief around that, like my family changing in a way that I wasn't prepared for and that I wasn't even part of. My family's becoming more beautiful and diverse. It just keeps growing my life.

family my great family just keeps getting bigger and full of better people where's my dad I need somebody to be gentle right now because I'm being so rough with myself and my family yeah that was me what's the deal God what's the deal Complaining about nothing About blessings But so for a short time During this storm It was just the five of us

And no lights No no power anything And we were all kind of like In hysteria Because it's like flooding And it just like kind of feels like The apocalypse or something And it's just the five of us

And my brother is like Going into characters That he hasn't done Since he was a kid you know and he would like act for our family or whatever we're just like all kind of falling into those old roles and it was pure like pandemonium it was just like screaming and laughing and we were like making fun of my brother that he wouldn't he was like making excuses not to go back to his family because we were like you have to go back to milly and your child like this is a scary

time but he had to like cross a river like a big flood to get there so he was like I think they're fine like he's making excuses and it just was like such a sweet moment and it made me want to create to manufacture more moments where we get to be like our old playful little crew yeah that makes sense if yeah that's really sweet well you guys are you guys are making me think of um because you didn't tell unhinged stories but you told very sweet stories i'm thinking of uh i mean this is this is a little bit unhinged because the context the context for it is um is a death so The oldest, my aunt, Susan, who is now on the other side has now died.

She got sick very suddenly, like very, I mean, to be fair, I think anyone who's close to her, which, to be fair, was not a lot of people, but my mother was. My mother was living with her at the time. I mean, she was not a, you know, she had years of alcoholism and stuff. So like, you know, that was, that was its own thing. But she just suddenly one day was like, you know, I think I'm dying. And then within two weeks, she was dead. So, but for these two weeks, the whole family came together in this way that, you know, really for me was unprecedented.

I mean, the only of the time I can think was when their father, my grandfather was dying. And that was not, I don't think, is sweet. That was probably just properly unhinged. And I don't really have any great memories or stories from it. but um this really was it really really was and i think the you know just all the side stories we were having while everybody was sort of rotating in that room in the basement to to spend time with her um there was such a preciousness to it and what was funny is that you know it was the first time the whole family had gotten together and members of the family like they

like amongst that generation there's a uh there's a like a was he a was he a He was a step-brother. I don't remember exactly how much he actually grew up with a family. And his name is Tommy. Shout out to Uncle Tommy. He, you know, I hadn't seen that man in many decades, you know. And he was a cool guy. And so just all this, like my uncles, we were hanging out.

And because I don't think anybody had really seen me that much since I had become a Baha'i, which I think was a very, for our family, is like, oh, he's like found this religion. Interesting. everybody was asking me to say prayers like I was the family priest or something it was very yeah no it was

and everybody was just kind of like hey Penn say that prayer and I was just like chanting the tablet ofath not 16 minutes later no in Spanish yeah right

just channeling in Spanish just didn't even know it before um Grazie Susan yeah it was just it was fun on. Navi, you have an unhinged story. I have one line on hinge story. This is, I mean, it was just me, my mom and my sister. We were at Costco and I think my birthday was coming up and we were maybe

shopping for my birthday. I was in a foul mood. I don't remember what the thing was, but basically I was sort of like wanting them to leave me alone. But they wanted to ask me questions about like the food that I wanted for my party or something. And anyway, my mom and sister came up to me. I was sort of like doing my own thing. And my mom and sister came up to me. And my sister probably remembers this story better than I do because I don't remember the exact thing that happened. But basically my mom, I had like something in my hands and my mom like tapped me. I think I was mad at my mom in particular, but I don't remember why. Anyway, she tapped me and to ask me about this food that I wanted.

And I just, I didn't know why she had tapped me, but I had sort of like left to cool down to go to this other aisle. And so I turned around and I guess I like put the thing down and I made claws out of my hands. And I was like, leave me alone. And they said it like that. And my mom and sister lost it. They got hysterical, which of course made me more mad. I was so angry at them. And then for my birthday, they gave me Monsters Inc.

themed things because the little girl does that, like, shape. That's really cute. When you tell stories, you are making it funny, but I know that at the time it was real for you. But there's something about it. It's objectively funny. Like, it's objectively funny that you would actually make claws and grate your teeth. Leave me alone. Yes.

It's like, so I think she saw on TV, like, this is how to be mad. Yeah, right. I learned this from Sophie's dad. He indicated not from experience, but from observation, what it looks like when somebody's very angry or upset. Well, he was very disappointed in my sister and I growing up because we were not gentle. We would fight, like, cats and dogs. And I remember him one time telling him, just like an indication.

So you can, like, can I picture what my sister and I were like? One time, I remember him separating us and saying, Sophie, you never spit on another human being. Wow. Wow. Yeah, we'll get into it. Yeah. That's the perfect note to end this episode.

Listeners, as mad as you get, crushies, don't be spitting on people. Nowadays, you'd be like, don't. Don't shame my kink. Yeah. That's true. See ya. Bye. Bye.