Podcrushed - Iliza Shlesinger

Episode Date: May 10, 2023

Today's guest is Iliza Shlesinger, the inimitable stand-up comedian, best-selling author, and podcaster. She opens up about growing up Jewish in conservative Texas, confronting her crush while in her high school mascot regalia ("a gigantic foam hornet head"), and doing stand-up comedy in parking lots.  Follow Podcrushed on socials:  InstagramTwitterTikTokSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Lemonada We're in person together, and it's feeling so good. Is this it? It's feeling so good. It's feeling so good. This, see, this doesn't resonate for anybody. Flute. Because we are...

What is a flute sound? I just went, woo-woo. It's not a flute sound. I've never heard of flute. This doesn't resonate for anybody because they're not here feeling how apart we are usually. Yeah, that's true. we can feel it. It's in the air.

Can you feel the listener? Can you feel how different this is? I thought you were going to say the love tonight. I was waiting for it. Can't let's sing a song? Oh wait. Is that going to be, is that that cost money?

It's 10 seconds and under, right? There's some. Can you feel the love tonight? Okay, that's it. No, no, no, guys. Cut it. We do not have that kind of money. Can someone make a flute sound with their mouth?

Now I really want to know what it would have been. This is, like, oscillating. This is, do you guys remember Chappelle show? Doodle do, dole, do, do, do, do, do. I recently made some remarks that are now on TikTok about how Penn only ever says that, like, that was nice is like the highest compliment that Penn has ever given me, which is not true.

Mostly true, but not always true. But yesterday, I had, like, prepared something and spent a lot of time on it and showed it with Penn, and he was very complimentary. And then right after that, I saw the TikTok where I was, saying like the only thing Penn ever says is you're nice so or whatever I said so I just wanted to acknowledge that that's not true well actually sorry I'm gonna just snatch that right back and tell you that I just rewatched the the edit of the banter where I told you guys that I was

pregnant and I my memory was like that it was really sweet and and that Penn said many times like that's really lovely you know I'm thrilled for you because that is what I'm saying inside I felt it from you what comes out but what comes out but what can you came out was Deadpan Deadpan Congratulations Really?

Wait, hold on Hold the smartphone, please because that's not No, I think they edited out The stuff My compassion Yeah, I do think so

Which is also what I'm doing As a self-editor, I have it Listen, listen, if we're really going to go there, guys First of all, first of all, I did feel

I'll dress Sophie first Yeah, do it. In my brain I kind of short-circuited because I was like, we're recording. this is no longer banter I can't express

genuine emotion in vain that's not what we're doing when we introduce a podcast it's not that this is inauthentic but it's a mode it's a mode it's true it's true and yeah

I do want to say to the listeners and the viewers that we don't hate David and Sophie we rather love them because I was thinking after like I really feel like I should have jumped up and hugged her in the moment but because it was like no I know that's what I'm saying I did it And then I hugged her after, but I was like, people are going to watch this and be like, those guys are so cold.

I know, no, no, no, no. I know. So I really just want to put this on Sophie, who's assumed to be mother. I want to put this on a woman and a future mother. Like, it's not me. I had a vision for what, how it would go down. And I was like, hmm, this didn't quite work out. It's our fault.

It was our fault. Yeah. We love you, Sophie. We're so excited. Yeah, we're so excited. Thank you. The first thing I did today when I saw you, off record. That's right.

You gave you hug. Because you knew we would talk about it on that time. I did, yeah. All I was doing was just covering my bases. That's all. I mean, on a serious note, maybe you guys don't have a relationship to all this way I do, but like, because I'm famous, is what I'm trying to say.

Is this whole, like authenticity. I mean, I make it a practice to be authentic in a certain kind of way, but then it's not easy to do it in every way. I mean, don't you, do you find, how do you guys figure? on camera? I think it's a little easier for me because I don't have to be on camera so often. And with the podcast, something about the headphones, it's easy

for me to kind of forget that it's here. I'm going to answer a question you didn't ask, but I just want to get this off my chest. It's a disclaimer. I heard on a different podcast, and maybe I'm going to remember wrong because of what I would say, that every time you revisit a memory, you corrupt it because you remember it inaccurately. Like, that's just inevitable.

So sometimes we, this is a story where we tell memories, recollections of things, and sometimes they're wrong. And I had a recollection of what happened in promising young women that was quite wrong. Like, I later re-read what really happened. And I just want to point it out that sometimes we'll say things in there inaccurate because we don't remember accurately. Yeah.

We should attach that disclaimer that we might be wrong at any point. We probably are wrong. This is a fictional podcast. Yeah, mostly everything you hear is just a trash opinion. A corrupted memory. Yeah. You know, guys speaking about trash opinions. I got a hot take for you.

I got a real hot take. No. No, no. I'm not... Sophie's face, she was like, no. I thought you were going to say, why don't you start doing the intros? And I was like, I don't want to, I don't want to. The whole thing played out in your mind. No, that's pretty funny. I like that. Why don't you start doing the intros?

It's too hard. Yeah, exactly. Commend you. Our next guest is Eliza Schlesinger. She's an actress, a writer, a stand-up comic with six Netflix comedy specials. That's a lot. Yeah. I mean, that's, that's impressive.

Her most recent special is Hot Forever You also might know her A movie that she wrote, starred, and produced in Good on Paper, right? Navajo loves Eliza. Guys, I'm going to jump in. We've never done this before, but I'm so obsessed with Eliza

that I really wanted you part of the intro. Hi, Eliza, I hope you're listening. Eliza is also a prolific podcaster. She has an amazing podcast called Ask Eliza Anything and today I got to experience her ability to quickly get to the heart of the matter and give you very direct advice. It was so good.

It was very good and a little cutting to hear initially but very good, very accurate. You might want to call in, share one of your burning questions. Maybe one day she'll invite the three of us on. We loved having her on the show. So please stick around. Don't go anywhere. You don't want to miss it.

Please, please stick around. Welcome to Podcrushed. We're hosts. I'm Penn. I'm Nava. And I'm Sophie. And I think we could have been your middle school besties. Sike.

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Keep mealtime exciting with NomNum, available at your local pet smart store or at Chewy. Learn more at trynom.com slash podcrushed, spelled try-n-O-M dot com slash podcrushed. Hey, it's Lena Waith. Legacy Talk is my love letter to black storytellers. Artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us. This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Felicia Rashad, Loretta Vine, Ava DuVernay, and more.

We're talking about their journeys, their creative process, and the legacies they're building every single day. Come be a part of the conversation. Season two drops July 29th. Listen to Legacy Talk wherever you get your podcast or watch us on YouTube. Eliza, you're definitely one of the biggest gets we've got. Really? Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. Oh, man. Do you want to leave now? No, no, no, no. Wait, you're mid. This is, are you? You start being like, you're lucky to be here, Eliza. We offered you water.

We offer other people coffee. I do want to say for everybody, so we do, you know, this is like, this is also a, and this is an audiovisual podcast. I'm a bit worried that I have something in my teeth. And I do just want to, this is a shameless plug for your book right now. How about, is that? Do I have anything? I actually, when Eliza handed, she handed us each in autographed copy, I actually thought this was a mistake and I was trying to scratch it off.

You got a little something there. Yeah, I just, I live for that moment. So, welcome. Thank you. Welcome to Pod Crush. Are you aware of the concept here with the middle school vibe we have going? Yes. You are.

Yeah, I'm not one of those, quote unquote, celebrity. that just walks in and is like, I thought we were tripping. Yeah, no, I read the brief, I read the bio. And what's wrong with that? I think it's a trash move. Like, just know what you're walking into.

Well, you are a working actor, so it's different. No, it's still a trash move, Eliza. You did say, you did say celebrity, that's right. I did say celebrity, that's right. I just try to have an idea, because I had to say yes in the first place. Yeah, we are so grateful. I did.

They don't just drag me in. Poor Elizas. So when Eliza walked in, I hugged her. I think you're the first guess I've done that to you. I'm just really love you and so excited to be in person I couldn't... I will always take that

versus like how do you say your name we're not sure anymore wrong entrance so happy to be here thank you happy to have you thanks guys

since we like to start with something that's cringy from our from our youth you know like believing that this period is so formative that cringe cringe isn't just

it's not just cringe I mean right there's something deep happening so you could you could address it from any level you want Yeah. But in your special elder millennial, you talk about growing up in the 90s and some of the, some of the trash fashion trends, maybe, or cringe-worthy fashion trends. What's something from that time, whether it's something you were wearing, something you did, something that just makes you, like.

Well, okay. And it's funny, because I definitely talk about the stuff in that book that you held up, called All Things Aside. So if people want to read more about that, they can. I think, I guess I, 1997 is when I started high school. So, and I didn't have, like, a huge wardrobe budget. So I'm thinking, can I answer it more like late 2000s? Yeah. I'm sorry, early 2000s in like my early 20s.

I just, it's less, I didn't, I wasn't one of those kids that's like, I'm spending all this money. I'm like, you're like hoping your friend leaves. They're like Steve Madden platform wedges at your house and you can like wear them, even though they're a size too small. I feel like in the early 2000s, when I was like here in L.A., I had a job, and we would go out drinking every night.

And this was like for a brief period of time, do you remember it was like in style to like cut off the feet of your tights and wear tights under a denim skirt? Yes. And it was also in for a moment to wear leg warmers with your high heels, which I still really hope comes back.

I love that. So like that, the layered necklaces like you would go and get like cheap ones layered tank top yeah so it's these like hideous outfits trying to straighten your hair like in my apartment like after a full day of office work and I have very curly hair so like it's stringy but then you're sweating so it's like squiggly I've never been like a big makeup person but just like thinking you are killing it and going out to these like really shitty bars and just drinking like pintfuls of vodka soda and then and thinking you're like this is A-Lest Hollywood but like unaware that there are like really nice nightclubs nearby where like real celebrities are partying and you're just like with your friend Anne like getting loaded and then getting up for your job as an assistant the next day at 9 a.m.

And eating like two burritos at your desk and just doing that like four days a week. That's amazing. Yeah. Just thinking you look so hot. Like we're doing it. Also let's not ennobble what the celebrities are doing at the club next door. They're just drinking pints of more expensive vodka. tastes the same. Yeah, let's nod it.

And we shant-enoblobal it. And wearing, I mean... Paris Hilton, I mean, like, it was at the time when, like, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. And, but I guess it wasn't even my periphery to think that I, what I was doing wasn't dope. I guess that's the benefit of a private school education is like, no, this is incredible. And it's not. You're, like, eating chicken wings at, like, 3 a.m. walking home drunk.

Like, did not know the concept of, like, a private car. Like, none of this stuff, because, again, I was in. assistant in an office. But just like thinking you're killing it with like your like plastic purse, just like being a total gross out and just... I think that's with your diet.

You're eating two burritos. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You got... When you're 20s, you can eat anything. And I would sit at work and I would prop up like a word document on my computer that was just like nothing.

And I would prop up my head so it looked like I was reading. And they're probably like, wow, she's a really slow reader. And I would sleep. Wow. I'm tired. It's hard to party. Yeah.

I saw those heavy burritos. Yeah. That's what it is. There was a Tramana in. It's like a work cafe franchise. There was like one in our, I worked at, you know, those twin buildings in Century City? Like I think MGM wasn't one of them. These two giant buildings, I worked in there at like a random company.

And so I would just like load up on like chili and burritos because you have to like eat away the hangover. Yeah. And you just like try to do some okay work with typos. Yeah. My boss was very cool about me like writing sketches during the day. I'm like, do you want to read this? By the way, I love that you two are like, yeah, yeah, never been hungover. Oh, you don't drink?

You too? Yeah. I was always the designated driver. I like, no drunk hungover people so well. Oh, yeah. So just thinking that you're like so hot with like barely straightened hair. Yeah. It's just brought back a memory of me in high school.

And I lived overseas. I lived in Beijing when I was in high school. And there was a street. called Bar Street, where all of us would go. Yeah. Three guests is a lot of there. One time I decided to wear heels, and I suck to this day. I just can't wear heels. And I was wearing heels, and this guy came out to me. He's like, let me help you. He thought I was drunk. Oh, no.

Sober as a whistle. But I just couldn't walk in them. Can I remember one other cringy thing. There was a nightclub called Shelter, which now is like, I think like a Michael Mina restaurant. It's on the corner of. of Crescent Heights and Sunset. And I got a job, was that called Child? I got a job for the night as the coat check girl, which is insane in L.A. Because, like, no one checks a coat.

But I got the gig, and I was like, great. Like, this is, like, this is the beginning of everything. Like, I'm going to check these coats, and, like, this is it for me. And I went, and I also had to sell cigarettes. I never had a cigarette in my life, but I was like, I will sell them. So you have your cigarettes there, and you're checking the coats, and had a big box of cigarettes. and I wore a pair of high-heeled boots

that didn't know the concept of breaking heels in so about an hour into the night you're just like hobbling along I can't walk and somebody stole my cigarettes and the like pimpstress that had hired me this like Russian woman in a big fur coat

who was like kind of a giant bee was like you stole the cigarettes I was like I promise you I did not steal these cigarettes can I please run across the street I'll go buy another carton of them She was like, no, you owe us at the time, like $100. I, you know, you're like a 23-year-old girl. That's everything.

I'm, like, crying. And she fired me, and she was like, you'll never work in the nightclub industry again. And I was like, no, my career. But I was just like, you just want to, like, meet cool people and party and my ankles are throbbing. And I'm, like, on the hook to this, like, Russian mobstress for, like, $100 at a nightclub that won't exist the next day.

Anyway, now look at me Now look at you What's what happened Eliza can we go back About a decade from 23 to 13 And can you tell us what was happening What were you like? Who were you into?

What were your family? Just paint a picture for us I just saw like a big red divorce flash In my head But my parents got divorced when I was seven So it shouldn't be an issue No but this is when you were grappling with it I don't know if I ever did actually

I have to be honest I feel like I was very like Okay like I hope you guys are happy again hair straightening comes up because I remember my bat mitzvah because I was 13 and it was the first time so I went to get my hair done and they like gave me like

a scrunt not a perm but like they scrunched it so it was like very 80s looking and you don't have the agency to like say what you're thinking to like a salon I still don't I still don't thank you so much I'm crying because I've never looked so hot so they scrunched my hair

it's the day of the bot mitzvah and I like put on a brave face And I go home and I just start crying. And my mom and my aunt, like, they just take to me, they're like, we're straightening her hair. And they straightened it for the first time. And, like, that was the gateway to, like, here's how you can look less Jewish. Because I could look better. And we straightened it.

And it was very mature and it was very special. Yeah. I looked super hot. Different nose, but I looked super hot. And I just remember that was, like, the day that we straightened my hair. Yeah, that's a big deal. No, that's significant. It was, yeah, we had the.

The Bat Mitzvah. 13, so you're what, in the eighth grade? Yeah. So I, okay, I left my, I went to a very large public school and I left to go to a lovely private school freshman year. And I remember, I remember there was a degree, a deodorant commercial on that would use that song like, I am woman. It was like, like a remix of I am woman. And I would go to volleyball two a days. I don't know if you guys ever played sports. You go to two a days.

Oh, yeah, two a day. Well, that's a two a day. Sorry, theater kids. You do it twice a day. You do it twice a day. You practice twice a day. And they're miserable. And you're practicing super hard. Some thrive, but. I was not one of them. I ate a whole egg McMuffin and I showed up for these two a days. And they're like, great, run. And this is Texas, by the way. So they don't tell you how far you're running. And I'm like, why are we running so far? This is volleyball. Like, we're not. And I almost, I didn't throw up, but it was just brutal. And this is when Gatorade Lemon Ice was still a flavor, which I don't know. Is it not still? No. It's like one of the biggest shames of the 20th. I remember that. That was a great flavor. So delicious. Yeah. And I just remember the smell

of that degree deodorant and hearing the like, I am one and hear me more. And third eye blind, I think, was like big then. So anytime I hear these songs, not that I ever hear the degree. Is that them? And then there was like Duncan Sheik.

Duncan Sheik. Yes, Duncan Sheik. I think it was then. When I hear these songs, I smell degree deodorant. I smell hot Texas grass and asphalt. And I'm like immediately transported back to just running probably what was like two miles, but just like almost having an aneurys. Well, you had an egg or muffin.

You know, I'm seeing a trend with the way you're eating in the mornings. Who knew that that? This is before they disclosed the caloric information. And you're, you know, in eighth grade, I'm like, oh, my mom's like, we'll take you to get somebody to eat. You'll go to practice. But to this day, like certain hot nature smells. I'm like two days And I never made varsity

And I had a great spirit But like was not I think the best player Yeah But that was the song that was on And I'm trying to think of Obviously butterfly hair clips Were a thing

So I remember Like that all clicks Did you have any Like experiences around love Or heartbreak in middle school In middle school Okay I did And I feel like I wrote about this

In my first book And then I may have written About it in the second book Again Not remembering I wrote about it there was a boy I'm gonna say his name now because he might

he probably is dead I don't know I don't know I don't know if he is no there was a boy named Jake and he was just whatever attracts you

to a child in the seventh grade and he wore like jincos and he was like a skater and I just for some reason like my heart throbbed for this kid

whom I had no classes with and we it's a big middle school so you know like there were like skaters and preps and then there was me and like a far side t-shirt and i just loved him so much and we never got to talk and he was on my bus and i asked him one day i was like do you want to go rollerblaining wow and he said yes that's amazing and then he didn't show up and i never had the guts to be like oh is there where were you and i just there is something about it's obviously hormonal but like i remember listening to i want to say it's is it n vogue or swvvvv has that

song like, baby, that's just why I love you so much. I don't know, but keep singing. Please, how am I not? I mean, I'm shocked that I don't. I hated that. Maybe that was just not

recognizable. I always say to my husband, I were like, I feel like I'm secretly a good singer. My husband's like, the secret dies with you. I honestly thought you were going to like chime in like on a higher octave. Like, yeah, I don't know that. I would have.

It's about loving someone so much. And when I hear it's a very 90s R&B song and like I was like Jake Like this goes out to you Like Unrequited I know remembering all this Yeah when you could call into radio station

To be like this song goes out to Eliza Yeah No one ever did that for me Yeah The middle school was a lot of just Pining for boys Not in like a super sloppy way But just also sort of knowing like

Yeah that's probably never going to happen Because especially growing up in Texas In the 90s Like anything that derived from like Gentile stick straight again with the hair like super cute like ordained by other boys therefore girls want to be

anything that derived that deviated from that rather you weren't dating anyone you were just like going over to like your friend Courtney's house on a Friday night everybody had that friend named Courtney her name is Courtney she's alive she came to a show recently

everybody had that friend whose parents would let them have boys over whose parents like kind of were very casual about sexual things and looking back you're like oh, you would let the kids have the upstairs because you guys were definitely swinging downstairs. Like, so many guys named Don in, like, Tommy Bahama shirts, wine charms.

Like, why couldn't we open the other door? Like, what's going on? And boys would come over, and, like, you would just hope that, like, any of these kids that you had, like, biology with would talk to you. And they never did. They only wanted to talk to, like, the two other girls who probably grew up to not be hot,

but at the time, we're very hot. Yeah. So it was just like eating a lot of gushers and Capri sons because those parents bought those kind of junk food. Yes. I'm watching TGIF. What were your parents like? We didn't have junk food, but it wasn't like a strict, like hippie.

I always just grew up with healthy eating habits, despite all the information I've given you. I don't know. You've got to get it in. I think as an adult too, you're like, there's no one here. I'm not making my bed. Totally. Yeah, just normal, like, very supportive. My parents were divorced, but my mom and my stepdad was.

We're really love, are lovely people. Nothing super divisive. You know. Can you make something up, though, so that we can use it as clickmate? I'm trying to, oh. Yeah, yeah, because that'll bring the content in. What she ate. I don't know.

Oh, boy. Like, you know, it's all about, like, the whole point of middle school is to, like, get to a place where you can kiss a boy and not have someone break it up. Whether it's in a closet or you go to camp and you get those. I don't know if you ever went to sleepaway camp No one here is Jewish Oh, you are Jewish secretly It's having Like sleepaway camp was the best

Because you get like that 10 minutes Of unencumbered free time Like before lights out Where you can like go make out on the lawn And like maybe someone will like graze your nipple Like you're just looking for like Someone Like maybe not the person

Anyone At your way I'm not having sex with you A canoe Anything But just like that freedom to like Explore that and then you come back And you're like I've been to summer camp, like, I'm different.

It's not even about, I mean, maybe kids now are different, but it's just about, like, getting some validation and, like, secretly being, like, weirdly horny, but, like, not really knowing what to do with it because you're a child. Yeah. Yeah, not knowing at all. I mean, not knowing at all. At all.

Like, not at all. In fact, I think that's what's maybe so horrific about it is that if you think about how you're feeling hormonally and then the media you're presented with, but then the reality of what you're doing. Of what hand job you're about to get. Because I would love to ask you about that or any man Like you're 15 or you're let's say 16 and you're like

Can I get I've heard about these things on like AOL called hand jobs Do you if a girl is never done it on on AIM chat If a girl's never done it are you just like And you've never had one like thanks Are you just hoping she like knows what to do? Do you instruct someone? I'm a terrible person to ask about this I did not have my formative sexual experiences are part of why I've started this podcast okay because because it was it was um all really ultimately unwanted

I mean it was you know it was it was it was all in the context of like a truth or dare kind of thing the context of oh yeah you know what I mean which it is I think for most people and if I really recall so now you know look I mean it's because I've then had this experience of the career that I've had and you know knowing what it feels like like to, which is usually a traditionally female experience, but I know something of what it's like to be objectified. And so, you know, I've actually processed some of this stuff. And so my, my early formative sexual experiences were, until I was like in my 20s, were actually just all, pretty much across the board, really, really negative. And, and that kind of stuff, terrified me. It just, and I, and I think

it does everybody. Cool. So I won't ask any more questions. No, no, no, no, no. I get, I could, I could, I could answer them but I'm saying it's yeah we're here for you right now okay well I definitely was never like oh I can't wait to give you a hand job this sounds fun none of it sounds fun none of it does every girl wants

like some light to heavy petting and no weirdness I'd like a full boyfriend in high school that I would not have sex with and I was digging stuff out of my garage recently and I found a letter he wrote to me apologizing for pressuring me and being a dick about it

wait that's so good for him for taking accountability yeah he's a lawyer now He was like going back He's like, I need to apologize Every person Oh yeah What is the statute of limitation? I really want to be governor of Alabama

But you're totally You said the thing about like truth or dare Like I feel like when you're younger You have these things You're like I don't want to full on be like Yo let's fuck because you don't know what to say So we have games like truth or dare Or seven minutes in heaven or spin the bottle

Which I have to say Like even into being in your 20s when you're single is like You're like, let's do this ironically, hoping it lands on, like, the one straight hot guy at the party. And when it doesn't, and it's on like an ugly dude, you're like, oh, I have diarrhea. The chances are so low. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's like a one in 12 chance.

Sorry, I just ate a burrito. Oh, I ate so many burritos. I had two. You guys? Oh, yeah. Well, when you are hungover one day. Yeah. You'll be like, I need a very go. You'll see.

But, yeah, a lot of it was around that kind of stuff. And we'll be right back. All right, so let's just, let's just real talk, as they say for a second. That's a little bit of an aged thing to say now. That dates me, doesn't it? But no, real talk. How important is your health to you? You know, on like a one to ten?

And I don't mean in the sense of vanity. I mean in the sense of like you want your day to go well, right? You want to be less stressed. You don't want it as sick. When you have responsibilities, I know. myself i'm a householder i have uh i have two children and two more on the way um a spouse a pet you know a job that sometimes has its demands so i really want to feel like when i'm not getting the sleep and i'm not getting nutrition when my eating's down i want to know that i'm that i'm

being held down some other way physically you know my family holds me down emotionally spiritually but i need something to hold me down physically right and so honestly i turn to symbiotica these these these these these these these vitamins and these beautiful little packets that they taste delicious and i'm telling you um even before i started doing ads for these guys it was a product that i uh i really really liked and enjoyed and could see the differences with um the three that i use i use uh the the what is it called liposomal vitamin c and it tastes delicious like really really good um comes out in the packet you put it right in your mouth some people don't do that i do it I think it tastes great. I use the liposomal glutathione as well in the morning.

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So you grew up Jewish in Texas. Texas is like one of the most Christian states. that I've ever experienced. Oh, I wasn't aware of that. And I'm just wondering what that was like for you being a religious minority and sort of how did that come up? Yeah, it's funny because you told me a story that reminded me of like my main story because you know, it's a lot, because you said you want to tell that. You tell yours and then I'll just reiterate mine, which is the same story.

So I'm also a religious minority. I was Baha'i in Texas and while I was in Texas, it's like the most that I've ever experienced people telling me I'm going to hell or telling me that they're praying for me not to go to hell. It was like a very common experience. Which means they're hoping you're go to hell. Like, they don't really care. What's it to you?

Where I go. One in hell, another spot for me in heaven. That's how it works. It's like a nightclub, like one in one out. Unless you bring girls. Yeah. So that was the story I was telling Eliza. Yeah, it was just, you know, when you are what you are and you have no other context for anything, you don't think about it as much.

But you do know, you know, we're reformed Jews and my parents are from New York and a lot of New Yorkers moved to Texas in the 80s. and it's being feeling included in stuff but also being keenly aware that one is not like the other but never being ashamed of my religion but more just like why can I have a chocolate bunny

like just wanting because Christianity is really good at marketing which Jews are not great at we're like do you want matza it's dry but just knowing you didn't get those things and look my we have we let our little girl go on an Easter icon

like these things are innocent you just as they get older you have to be like just so you know these people go to church and they do whatever so my mom would let me go to church with someone or it's not whatever but i had a best friend who said to me she told me i was going to hell she was your best friend she was my best friend because you're like six or something so my mother calls her mother to say you know your little girl told eliza she's going to help and the mother's reaction should have been i'm so sorry and said it was oh i'm going to have to talk to her she's not supposed to start witnessing until she's older now the other the missing piece of that story that was a little i slip right in it is no problem it's infectious it's delicious it is a southwest flight attendant just helping you out yeah what what we leave out of the story is that i had seen goonies recently uh and so i think corey feldman had this line i don't remember but i repeating what i heard said to my friend what prompted her telling me I was going to hell was out of nowhere I have naked pictures

of your mother you said that yes what I don't know why I would say that I don't know what I'm really interested can we just spend some time on that I saw a movie and I repeated it you know I was like six yeah I don't even know what that means I don't even recall that from the Goonies is that from it was like Eliza is that from the Goonies or did you have 100% from the Goonies I said that so she said well you're going to hell which is fair whatever and so it was a lot it was not as much i'm sure as other people but they have things like in middle school there was the fellowship fellowship of texan fellowship was just fellowship of christian athletes and you wanted to go because you want your friends would go and you get dropped off early in

the morning and you'd like pray on making that basket which is so crazy but you know wanting to be included yeah yeah but like also knowing like this is very foreign and this is not you uh and not loving like having to leave for like Russia Shunner or any of these other holidays that like are not as slick as like Christmas or Easter. And so just kind of having a sense of other while still looking like everyone else is a weird thing. I mean I'm fine. Yeah. But it makes for a fun podcast story. I when I was in like third grade. So I went to an Episcopalian school where no one was Episcopalian but everyone was Christian of some variety and they do like Ash Wednesday. And one year I just went up and like got the ash on my, I was like I want to do it. I just want to do what they do. And I just want to do what they do. And I'm just. And I I remember when I got in the car, my mom was like, what's that? What's on your face? What's on your voice? Write that off. Well, it's like in Mermaids.

Remember that movie Mermaids with Winona Ryder? I know it. She, I think, Shares like, we're Jewish. And Winona Ryder's like really into the Catholicism. Because it is like, oh, you can follow these rules and you can wear the cute outfits and the necklace. Like, there is a marketability to it. And when I think of Jewish marketability, I think of, like, Judaica in a JCC store. Like minora's of, like, rabbis dancing.

And you're like, this is not hot. Yeah, my, I looked at a bunch of family photos the other day, and I have an older sister, and he's looking at one of the pictures. And our whole family are Baha'is and grew up as Baha'is. And I saw this picture, and she has like a very large cross necklace. I asked my mom, like, what she did? She begged for that. Wanted it. Wanted to feel hot.

Yeah. It's a thing. Something about that cross necklace. So that was very Texas in the 90s. Yeah. So I'm very. to that when I travel now like I'll be with other people and I'll be like wow

like in the south I'll be like look those crosses I'm like yeah they just put him in front of the Arby's like I'm just very used to that doesn't surprise yeah well we have a couple questions we always ask our guests one of them I already asked you which was about love and heartbreak but we also always ask if you have an embarrassing story from middle

school you've told us a few yeah there's a whole thing yeah but nothing embarrassing just I don't mean it about I mean it's always It's also if you're the class clown Like you're kind of ahead of that curve in a way Yeah And also like knowing like In a deep down way like

Okay I know I think I'm a cute girl But I know I'm not as hot as like those 10 So it's probably not gonna happen for me Which is so it was just I never did anything I'm trying to think of like super embarrassing I don't know that I have Or maybe I'm just not

Embarrassable really I feel like there's this requisite on women to be like, and then I tried and I mailed and I don't know if I maybe I'm like wrecking the whole thesis No, no, no, no. But I do think... Well, you have, you have.

That's fine. We're quitting after this. Let's just gloss over this. No, so that actually makes me think you, you, were you discovering you were funny at this stage? Did you already know? I already know.

Yeah. Because my parents got divorced. I mean, I knew I was funny before that because my parents are funny. But then your parents, my parents are divorced and I went to a lot of different schools. And so you're just always,

trying to make people laugh it's just like from a very young age a lot of people you know your thing is like you're very pretty you're very funny you're very smart you're athletic like you have that thing that draws people toward you i don't know if it drew people toward me in the same way because it's like oh why's this little girl so outspoken so i always like collected like weird friends that were just like fringe friends because you just take what you can get or whatever but i always remember thinking like i'm not as dorky as those kids i may not be as cool as those kids i may not be as cool as those kids and like that hot dude probably named Hunter because that was like the name in middle school doesn't want to kiss me but like I'm not an ugo so just kind of always like a man without a

country yeah and I just remember three-way calling I remember oh this kid died too I remember calling you know you got your your directory and you call and you three-way and you call boy you like and then your friend would talk to him compelling conversation in the seventh grade and I remember like we went through all the girls and I had asked him if he thought I was pretty and he said yes once but then my friend called

and went through all the girls and when it got to my name he didn't say anything and I was like no John we could have been great I guess I'll just go to 7-11 and get some airheads

yeah there's something weird with the junk food I was going to choose on that one to not say anything I was like you know what I've already touched that nerve I just love I just love sugar

Yeah, it's fair, yeah. Eliza, we're going to... There's something weird with food. I'm just realizing that now on this podcast for. We'll unpack it. We have some resources for that. Well, we want to talk about your career, but is there anything that we haven't asked you about your middle school or early adolescence that's like a gem that we should give you space to talk about? Other than like all the pizza I ate at the winter formal?

Wait, really? Yeah, I went because there was pizza and you could have as much as you wanted and free soda. and we didn't have like soda in our house so to have as much junk as you wanted was kind of always my goal it's not like my parents like didn't feed me but like when you don't

all healthy stuff my house was like that too it was like no sugar and I I feel like I was similar like I have so many stories like sneaking out one time we moved house and my parents moved my bed and they found just like candy wrappers I would like find candy somewhere and I would eat it and then I would stuff the rappers

like Britney Murphy with the chicken and girl interrupted yes I you know what I just for me middle school is all about like say sexually but without sex at least not then like what you could who you could interact with and like what you could get your hands on and I remember I had a girlfriend who we like went to like six flags together six flags over Texas is like a big deal

and your parents would give you like $20 and it's like you can have anything in the world you want and you're hot and you're gross but you would like meet a boy in line and like to have no adult around and like they're from like thrilling

and they're from like Grand Prairie they're from like a suburb that you're like that may as well be Mars but just like what are you what are you talking about like almost nothing and she met some boy and so he would she lived in his apartment complex so we would go over

and she and I would like go swimming in the apartment complex and we'd go in her house and through the landline he would call and his name was Patrick and we would like take turns talking to Patrick who looking back I think was like 17. But, and then she, like, lost interest, but I was like,

I can talk to Patrick. So then, like, we started talking. How are you ever going to meet up in, like, a very rural state, like, meet up with a boy? Like, my mom's never going to be like, great, I'll just drop you in, like, Irving, Texas, which is, like, an hour away. But just the thrill of having a boy calling to talk to you, which was, like, a big deal. Yeah. Or even, like, AIM, which came a little bit later.

just having that contact and having an unsupervised interaction with the opposite sex. Yeah, huge. It's true. Yeah. This is a total aside, not related to anything, but did you ever watch Friday Night Lights? I weirdly lived it, but have not seen it. I was going to ask you what you think.

It's like one of my favorite shows, but I feel like it hits different if you lived in Texas. Well, you know, everybody... Isn't it popular there, though? I mean, having people confirm that it's such an accurate portrayal of Texas. It's unbelievable. I'm from Dallas, like Dallas, Dallas, but, you know, 10, 15 minutes outside that metroplex That is the vibe

And we had big football games I was the school mascot Really? Wow Wait, that is the best Okay I know it's about Talk about middle school

But I can tell you There was a boy Who I had like a mega crush on Who was in BBYO Which if you're Jewish Is kind of like A fellowship of Christian athletes But less athletic

And it's like you meet up on weekends And it's a way for like Other Jewish kids from other schools But you really have to make a choice Like do you want to do BBYO Or do you want to be cool at your own school So I chose my own school but a boy came to our football game and I might the mascot was a hornet so I had a gigantic

foam hornet head with giant mesh eyes and I wanted this gig very badly I signed up for this I read for it wait why did you want it I just did because I was like I was just like something happened where I didn't we thought we were going to move so I didn't get to audition for cheerleader so audition Jesus Christ try out but I was like I want to to do this and the girl that was doing graduated so i got the gig and i had a giant hornet like stuffed with like cotton and gloves and he showed up and i just remember like trying to like block my hornet head like so no one could like look in my eyes like i have no idea who you are yeah because like i was like i'm like dripping buckets with like a du rag on my head because that's what you wear in the

thing because it's texas and it's the it's hot it's like august and he walked up to the eye and he like looked and he was like Eliza and I was just like this is the beginning of a great teen rom-com I've sort of been in that I've played in that was gonna say

was it John ever must die that you watched no that's not the wrong iconic team film easy A easy A easy A I was like what checked that

yeah yeah but in easy A yeah it's a yeah it's like yeah it's like yeah it's like just wanting a boy

to come talk to you just hoping that he finds it very sexy I think we did end up kissing at some point outside of like a Carabas Italian grill or some other chain restaurant It is the most suburban existence

Like everything involves like a megaplex movie theater Or like a chain restaurant Or like a ride to the mall Or Walmart Never went To this day have been in like one Wow And it was so my husband could source like blue crab

For a recipe or something Yeah Yeah did you I did yeah we went to Walmart quite a bit But you went to college But just for college Yeah and there's stuff to do San Antonio, but Walmart was still like a hot spot.

Oh, wow, like you just go and hang out. The alamo is secretly very small. You could fit it in the Walmart. Oh, the alamo is tiny. It's such a letdown. That's why they're like, never forget the alamo because you're like, where was it? You probably will. So small.

You guys have that river rock, though. That's good. It's true. One thing that I find incredibly charming almost sounds like it's not a good enough word to use. I'm really intrigued by your use of physical humor. It's not something that's so common on. stage and you do it impeccably. I mean, obviously, like, and it's so, so I'm just curious, like, I don't know that you can say where that comes from, but you must have been very physical as this

mascot. I don't need more mascot stories, but I'm just wondering, like, like, how does this, in fact, in fact, I regret bringing it up. I don't want more of that. No, like, just this brand of, you know, as a comedian, I would imagine, not knowing. what it's like like you know everybody everybody's got to develop their craft where you're understanding like what your strengths are what what isn't like I mean so you can talk broadly about like how you got into comedy in your youth but then but then also like I'm curious about this physical aspect was that something that you were also doing as a as a kid or like in high school and out I mean I guess there's no look it's all connected uh but the physicality I think

In terms of people I observed, I was always very drawn to, as everyone was, like, Jim Carrey, Chris Farley, not so much slapstick, but just big movement, right? Those are the two that stick out as, like, physical to me. But in terms of stand-up, and this has nothing to do with the whole ethos of the podcast, but I will tell you, in terms of stand-up, I think the physicality really came from a place of, if I'm really thinking about it, probably desperation because I so badly wanted to. convey the scene that is so vivid in my head and that came out like it just comes anybody that's taken any sort of modern dance or a movement class which i haven't but i imagine it's like that like it just comes out i totally no i totally get that i knew the actor would get it just it comes out and that is what came out and i see this this goblin in my head and i see this old witch i see it and so as you're seeing it like the manifestation is like your shoulders round over which they

already sort of do from texting but like getting down low and it just some comics they don't they are very contained you know or they pace and it just came out like that because i've always loved sketch comedy and stuff like that and so embodying it in the moment as best i could without costumes and makeup and wigs so it's what came out i'm trying to picture your whole set now with you in costumes in a hornet it's amazing what just hunching your back can convey. Do you remember how the audience reacted the first time you did it? Because I'd probably never seen a routine like that. I don't. No, I don't. I, I mean, so much of my early career was a blur. And because I was on a reality show, so much of it was just trying so hard to not

desperately to get people on your side and just not get eliminated. Are you still the only woman who's ever won last comic standing? Yeah, I mean, it's very off the air. Like, and so it's not, I always feel like, like Al Bundy, like four touchdowns in a single game. Like, who cares you're 40 uh but then just coming out of that and then becoming a headliner but you have to like earn every comic does every laugh but it's also like oh who's this girl and you're just like they told me to do an hour i only have the 45 like let's i just want it going really fast and then that just becomes your style and i've seen people that like kind of not rip it off but like people that probably watched me when they were younger now they do that which is adorable and fine um

So, yeah, it probably was born out of that, like, I've grabbed this, I can't let it go. Yeah. Yeah. We had two comedians on the show, Nicole Beyer and Sishiazameda, and they told us about some of their jokes that bombed. That, like, actually, they've never done again because they did so badly. But they were some of their favorites. And it was, that one was particularly, particularly good. They were good.

And we've heard you say that you don't gamble, but the only thing you gamble with is your jokes. And I wonder. Sometimes I say stuff. I'm like, who am I? Like, are we profiling a criminal? I know, I always feel bad quoting people back to themselves because I'm like, I know you said this once. It's also often not true if you get out from Wikipedia. It's completely inaccurate.

It's always true and they just don't want to admit it. They're like, oh, fake news. No, I got to say, no, I'm tweeted quotes that I'm like, I would, I know I did not say it. Yeah, yeah, that's fair. I would never say it. But anyway, it's about you, it's about you. So I'm wondering. I remember, Penn.

It's about Eliza. I'm just biting my tongue this whole time. Yes, I know what it's like to dance. I know. I'm a dancer. No, please validate it I'm wondering if there are any jokes that didn't pay off All the time

That you gambled with that were A memorable one that you could share Like we want the worst I mean look here's the answer that you don't want I go up a lot We're talking almost every night Like for mental health reasons I've been like Mondays or for the family

You mean still? Yeah Oh wow That's up last time Where? In a parking lot Like I Just on your own

I just, you go. You go up. She just gather people. Oh, yeah. People don't, like, comedy is, like, beat poetry. Like, it's happening, whether you want it to happen or not. And, like, so many nooks and crannies. And of all the art forms, it requires the least, I guess, dancing because you need your feet.

I'll probably get canceled for that from, like, some footless only hands cancer. But I only use my hands, and I've never had feet, and I love pirouettes. But I go up often because that's, like, saying, oh, you're a world-class bodybuilder. like you still go to the gym like yeah more you know so I go up to work out stuff I my jokes are longer like it's like here's a premise and we're just gonna like gut it for the next 15 to 20 minutes yeah so it's less set up punch um so if something doesn't work it's just gone I'm like well that you know I try goodbye like it's not like I crafted this baby and I brought it and they didn't laugh at my airline food joke so I don't really have answers like that um I have stuff of course

that like I'm working on now that I always want people to laugh at and then you have stuff that people laugh at and you're not sure why but you just keep saying it you're like I can't believe I'm missing the joke but there's a I guess the answer is

you're doing 20 minutes a night multiple times a night multiple days a week for multiple weeks you know it's it's very blurry yeah so it's not like a one for one thing yeah that makes sense yeah I always that question is always a hard one for me

yeah you have your third book out now, but I want to ask you about one of your previous books. In your book, Girl Logic, you talk about how women constantly have to navigate these different societal expectations that are placed on them. And I want to know what do you think is the most absurd, in your opinion,

the most absurd societal expectation that's placed on women. Oh, my God. It's a great one. I really want to know what you think. I don't know that I have just the one but I... Let's just start. Let's start. Okay, well, I just need a minute. I will say, and I talk about this a little in my stand-up now,

like I'm exploring it, It's this constant requisite that we be humble, and I'm sure that that comes from like some deep Buddhist meditation or whatever, but we require it of women, and I think there's something negative about that. Like, don't shine bright, but not so bright that it upsets someone. And then when you do feel good, don't forget to be humble. So we're constantly keeping women preoccupied with what level you should be at so as not to upset someone. but still like do your thing but don't do it too loud and it's this distraction because the goalpost is ever moving the requisite to be humble uh i think that there's a lot of offering up trauma as a way of sort of validating success if something bad happened to you and you it is i mean as a comic i can

tell you like anything i my currency is vulnerability i will share something that maybe you don't that i think that i think you might think but i'll be brave enough to you're to say it or I really feel that way and like I tell a story about having a miscarriage because I feel strong enough to share that and I want other people to feel good but I think sometimes because we don't like it when women succeed and I don't know that I don't think it's like a man versus woman thing I think there are people who don't like that women feel that if we come from trauma bonding then we're infallible like if I tell you that this awful thing happen then somehow you will see me more worthy as someone who has succeeded the truth of the matter

is you it doesn't matter how you got there it doesn't matter if your parents bought it for you and you maintained it it doesn't matter if you worked for it as someone who's worked for everything i've had like i much rather would have had it handed to me like that would have been great um but the truth is everyone's going to fault you for no matter what you did so you are where you are and you're in control of that and i think often we offer up the trauma as a like get out of jail free card like well she was abused so anything she does she can't be wrong and i think that there's something that and it's not always and it's not all the time so there's that obviously we have the body issue stuff obviously we have all the demands on women and none of it is really real at the end of

the day but it is so ever present depending on what type of media you consume and so i mean i really could talk about this all day what is required of women but i think and you don't have to rush i mean we're happy to cut it yeah boring so say as much as you want go back to middle school and hand jobs No, no, we also like this to be meaningful and, yeah. Yeah, I think, too, you know, it's required that women bear their souls in a way that it isn't for men. I get asked to do a lot of podcasts with a lot of thoughtful nodding and it's nice. It's delicious to go in and find something deep that you can share and be vulnerable about, but we don't ask that of men as often.

There is this requirement that women always be vulnerable, always open up. You know, when you pitch a show, it's always like, your female protagonist is a bitch it's like why because she wasn't dead and blowing someone at the same time yep that's what that well you would know

if anyone knows that dead women I'm sure it has to be the other no no that's how passive they want it it's just like oh you're female we love dead women I think there's something super fucking weird about that

I'm not looking your direction pen he actually wrote you I don't know if you're aware of it you want to talk for hours I could, yeah, trust me. I can tell you how a quarter of body. I didn't know how much that I would end up. I mean, I grew up, I think, at least for a boy and a man, I grew up maybe sensitive to this uncommonly,

but now infinitely, just the amount that I've had to process just some of that. I'm just acknowledging for a moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'm just giving you shit. It's obviously not your fault. He kills men too, though, just to be fair. That's true. You did and you do.

And, like, or unfully chop them up. but we do I think there's something deeply dark about that and I even talk about it in my new book All Things Aside how like A woman dying is delicious A beautiful woman dying

You have a hit TV show It's always like when a hot woman goes missing Like you know who no one's looking for Like some guy that like maybe died on a toilet at a Walmart Like when John takes a dump and dies The detectives are hot on the case So there's something about Life being ripped away from a beautiful woman

but if she's like a hooker it's kind of like well now it's about the detectives like it's always there's this demand that you be open while being smart and strong it's just it's always like this dichotomy of what we demand and so no wonder

we are getting like rights taken away and we are forever trying to close a wage gap and be perfect and also because so much is demanded and so much is distracting and that's even within your own friends and your own community and once you have a kid that's even we pit women without kids and women with kids against each other as if the two need to be competing I don't understand what there's like this weird thing where like if you have a kid like what do you

if a woman doesn't have a kid what do you want her to do what do you want her to do admit to you like I have an ovarian cyst and it's impossible like do you feel better now do you feel better if she secretly admits that she says she doesn't want kids but she really does or what if she doesn't like who has the time have you been on the 405 at five o'clock like i don't have the time i'm so busy and so a lot of it is you know the setup of our society but this deliciousness in this national pastime this world pastime of judging other women yeah and we all do it and it's so hard because we all in a vacuum we're like no i'm better about that i don't but like no it's true i mean how many times have you like heard a woman and been like oh she sounds like a bitch and then you realize

it's your own stand-up special playing. That particularly is a short number. I'm like, ooh, that's... I don't like her. Who is the... Oh, no. Well, even this thing, I think it happens to female celebrities more than male,

like when a female celebrity gets... You love her, you love her, and then when she gets too famous, you hate her. Yeah. And that happens to me, too. I'll be like, I love this person. I'm like, oh, they're so annoying. I'm like, wait, why do I think that?

Do you think it's, like, when your favorite band gets popular? You're like, oh, no, I can't. I used to see one direction in a parking lot, and now they're at Staple Center. I can't. Like, do you think part of it is becoming less personal and becoming more over-unctive? But I feel like it happens to women more than men. Yeah. Like, it'll happen.

I don't want to name names, but I can think of like Jennifer Lawrence reached a certain height. Everybody was obsessed with her. Then she reached a certain level. And I was like, she's so annoying. Right. But it never happened to like Chris Hemsworth. You know, like, it doesn't happen to men when they reach that level. But women get, you know, it's like, oh, we don't want her anymore.

I think it's also, like, all of a sudden you turn on someone for being and doing the exact that they were like Anne Hathaway I think is great and people are not cool about her and they call her like dorky it's like yeah she's a theater kid who probably works really hard at her craft and like might say like things that bother you but it's never nothing's ever malicious but women are picked apart if it's too i mean i've gotten dinged for that like you're too confident or that upsets people and you're like well this is how i got where i am and like this is what is required and then if you're super famous you just don't give interviews yeah Like, I'm not positive what, like, most mega, like, I'm not positive what Madonna really sounds like now.

You know? And I think there's that thing, too, where if you're a woman and you're too confident, it really bothers people. Yeah. And so, at the end of the day, all you can do is be yourself and quietly get canceled. Yeah. On Discord. It's going to happen to all of us one day. It's true.

It just depends on who's watching you in that moment. For Eliza, it's the footless dancer's coming for her. They're coming from you slowly, though. Stick around. We'll be right back. Fall is in full swing, and it's the perfect time to refresh your wardrobe with pieces that feel as good as they look. Luckily, Quince makes it easy to look polished, stay warm, and save big, without compromising on quality. Quince has all the elevated essentials for fall. Think 100% mongoling cashmere from $50. That's right, $50, washable,

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Keep mealtime exciting with NomNum, available at your local pet smart store or at Chewy. Learn more at trynom.com slash podcrush spelled try-n-o-m.com slash podcrushed. You do have a podcast called Ask Eliza Anything. Yes, I do. Answer listener questions on a range of topics. And I wonder what inspired you to start that type of podcast. Yeah.

So thank you. I've had a podcast for many, many years, and it's had a couple different titles. But it initially started out, I wanted to host late night. I wanted it so badly. And I thought, well, since that's hard to do, I'll work on my interviewing skills. And so it interview people, we would just sort of, sort of, I guess it was nebulous. Definitely not as well produced as this. and I'm actually blown away at the,

I have to just say, because probably because I'm used to dealing with comedians, but like the amount of preparation and your segways, some of the silences in between make me really uncomfortable because I'm like, they're going to ask me to leave. Turns out you're just thoughtful people, like processing, not just vomiting out anything. So I appreciate that.

And then we found a new home with it. Ask Eliza anything. I just thought, I think I'm pretty good at giving advice. I think I'm a pretty sensitive person. And I think everybody needs that best friend that's like, No, it's you. He doesn't think you're pretty.

Just saying the thing from a place of only wanting to help. And so we love doing it, and it's out on every Wednesday, Ask Lise Anything. So I just like, and I think people enjoy hearing other people's problems as an escape from their own. So we got some good questions on there. That's awesome. Well, also I think probably as an escape from their own, and then I'm sure people see themselves in those listeners. A thousand percent. All the time.

Because you can give advice because you've been through something similar, not always. some of the things are way above my pay grade yeah yeah what do you do in those situations first so i don't get sued i say this is not legal advice this is way above my pay grade uh and then you just try to give it from the most like empathetic highest light i always try to get behind what the question actually is like it's i i remember this is like a weird comp but remember love line oh yeah yeah dr drew was so good someone called and they would just be like i just i'm so nervous he'd be like you have herpes Like, he just, that was so good, like, it's not that you were abused. He was so good.

He's obviously, you know, been to school for this, but so good at just zeroing in. And it's a skill that I try to hone by just hearing it and being like, what you're saying, this is a layer of BS. And, like, under it, you're afraid to tell your mom how you feel. Like, that's what that is. And so, I think also being a comic, you have to be pretty incisive and insightful. Yeah. So. I'm actually really remembering Dr. Drew now.

Like, that was, that was, love line was a, love line was a space to go. In my teens. And just listen. Yeah. It was, it's the soundtrack. I mean, I moved to L.A. later. It was like the soundtrack to me, like, driving home from, like, the Irvine Improv at, like, one in the morning, just, like, trying not to crash on, like, the ever worked on five freeway.

Just, like, trying to try, and just, like, listening in my Chevy Blazer trying to go home. Right. Can I ask you for some advice? Sure. All right. I'm in L.A. I'm really busy. I want to make time for dating.

I'm having a hard time. What advice would you give me? Well, I guess the question is, why don't you have time to take time to take? date if it's a priority. Yeah. Can we put the breaks on this? Oh, okay. No, no, no, no, no.

It's good. It's good. I think it's fear, probably. Yeah, exactly, because you don't want to be rejected. Yeah. How old are you? That's true. 38.

Yeah, that's why. Because this city is designed to, like, the older you get, like, the smaller your space becomes. So you're a woman, you're 38, you happen to be smart, boo. And you have a career. Yeah. And the dating pool gets smaller and smaller. It opens up after everyone's gone through their first round of divorces,

but you don't want to be rejected. You don't want to be rejected because you're older. I don't know if you want a family or not, but sometimes the scariest part is just putting it out there because as women were taught to not say you're looking for a relationship or want kids because that makes you look desperate. But the truth is, like, there's a guy out there who also wants that and is probably around your age.

And so you don't have time, so you'll sell yourself on this idea, like, I'm just too busy, but the truth is you don't want. want to get your heart broken and nobody does. That's true. I do think that there's a way to do it quietly where you're still maintaining a balance. But whatever those things are that you want, I think being forward about them and not keeping them small, which we're taught to do, is very important. You are really good at giving advice.

That was really good. That's really helpful. That's actually exactly what I needed to hear. It's super helpful. To your credit, I don't know. I get the sense that you have been direct. Maybe more recently. Is that true?

She told Conan. She told her I've been telling everyone. Do you know anyone? Yeah, yeah. Let me tell you this. You know anyone, Eliza. And I take that very seriously because, I mean, a lot of my stand-up was about, like, men and women and dating forever. My husband, we were both, were the same age.

I had eaten at, he's a chef, I had eaten at his, before I knew it, eat in his restaurant, we had friends in common. We went to the same gym. We live blocks apart. And no one ever thought. Like, that friend never thought. turns out they'd slept together, which was totally cool because she was awesome. But like nobody thought, women who are dating or that are

secure or married seldom think about their single friends. And I know how much it sucks to be single in this city. And so people are just like, well, I've got my relationship, good luck, try not to burn. Yeah. Or it's like you're 38, here's a 55 year old you might like. You're like, cool. It's going to be great.

Yeah. And so I mean, I always tell my single friends, I'm like, come on out to a show because that's a secret about stand-up is that like men consume it more than women there's always men and depending on the lineup there's tons of dudes and they're out

and they're out for a good time and they're in a great mood and especially like at the comedy store like there's a patio it's a girls show up and show out like they are dressed up to go watch like some pretty bad stand-up most nights I'm like you taped yourself into that

I'll give you tickets and I will straight up text you and be like Here's who's on the lineup. I think the dudes will be hot. I'm down. I'm down, Eliza. Yeah. So. That's great. I'm definitely going to be listening to your podcast. That advice, you really did get to the root of it so quick. I mean, you're emulating Dr. Drew pretty well.

No, you're doing your own thing. I'm writing prescriptions out of my car. I'm telling everyone they have an STD. Herpes. She's like, is it because you're scared that you have herpes, though? Is that why? Okay, wait, I want to ask you a couple more relationship questions. You wrote, produced, starred in a movie called Good on Paper. yes and it's based on a true story can you just summarize i saw it loved it also horrifying that that happened to you can you summarize for people sort of what was the relationship that inspired that

movie uh in real life and this is pre dear john this is pre tender swindler um but i'm definitely not the first woman that this has happened to sadly uh i had a friend who i met randomly and we were friends for a year and then as women do you're like maybe this is the guy for me even though I find him physically repulsive. I bet I can fall in love with him. And I did. Always with repulsive ones. You know,

sometimes you're like, because women can get over at men can't. No guys ever been like, I thought she was a real ugo. And then I was just like, you know what? You've never seen that. I've always thought that was so weird that thing.

Like women can can grow, your attraction can grow, but for men it can't. I'm like, can it? I don't think it ever has for me. Like, if a guy like sometimes says the right thing, you're like, huh.

Yeah. Rick from accounting. Okay. And then all of a sudden, And you're like, he's like ugly hot. Like his e-lots are long, but like, I'm going to lick him. You know what I'm talking. Every girl's like had a thing for an ugly guy.

It's true. You're like, he just does it. Does not go the other way. Anyways, and I, so we started dating. We dated for about three months. But in that time, I found out that every single thing he had told me about himself from where he went to school to like the nature of his business, to his mom having cancer, everything was a lie.

So I had no idea who I was really best friends with and who I was dating. and it just all fell apart So the movie is based A true story based on a lie It's 100% true I'm sorry, that's not true I did not, the end is not true I don't think I'd be here today

if the end were true So I'm not gonna spoil anything Yeah, it's great You guys should watch it It's very funny Yeah That's so wild How did you find out?

My mother And that's not really in the script Because it was like a couple Like she like led that charge It was something like I said something to her he was very like preppy

waspy-wisish and my he's the thing about belonging to like Beverly Hills Country Club or something now this is LA where like 19 year olds drive like 200,000 dollars like whatever and she was like that's an odd thing for such a young man to belong there

she like put that in my she said that to me and like something was going off so she called that country club oh my god good for her and they were like we don't have that member

so I asked him he was like oh, it's my uncle's membership. Like, the answers were always there. Just as simple as if you were like, Eliza, I thought you said you had tea at lunch. I'd be like, no, I got a coffee. Like, things that you wouldn't think to question. Can I ask, how, was that hard to ask him?

You know, at that point, you're like, I mean, because that's, you're now going out on a limb and being, you know what I mean? Like, that's a good question. I don't remember how I framed that one. And I don't remember if, like, he knew I was on to him yet. And then he had said he'd gone to Yale, which, again, is not like a show-stopping point. like I have I know plenty of whatever people who went and my mom called the Yale registrar's office

because she's like your cousin went there and like something seen like he was able to answer questions like if you'd like really read a brochure but she called and they're like we don't have a record of that but of course when I said it to him I was like something is weird he was like he was like of course I went there like do you want to see my diploma and I'm like no like I don't yes texted to me right well he said so that's when you're getting to a real that's like that's like that's so But he's got the answers so perfectly. Like, I don't have my... You've been in a relationship.

Yeah, you don't want to believe that you've... And they were funny answers. He was like, I don't have my diploma hanging up. I'm not a dentist. And then to make it snobber, he goes, I would never hang up an undergrad degree. And I was like, ooh, yeah, me neither. She's like, I'm charmed even.

I'm just like... Yes. So then you feel bad. But I'm like keeping these things in the back of my head. In hindsight, everything starts to match up, like just moments he would freak out or whatever. and I remember there's a lot of other

my mom was the one that initially put that in and then there's a whole bunch of stuff and it's in the movie it's also blurry now too I'm obsessed with moms my mom did something similar for me too like she just had an intuitive moment about someone I was dating and she asked a question and I was like

it all is clicking I just love moms I think like there's a special intuition you want to protect your kid yeah it's literally the only benefit of getting older is getting wiser but nobody wants to listen to you yeah I think so

because it's not the skin around your knees I was like look how different it is got so much more of it yeah it's just like hope people want to hear your like cool lady advice but yeah it's true story then you want to ask the final question yeah so I mean it's a hard left at this point

if you could go back to 12 or 13 year old Eliza what would you say I don't I want to give you the answer that's like tell yourself your beautiful walk right up to no no no no no give us give us give us where you go i would tell

i would tell her to slow down and proofread your work because you will pay dearly uh in your GPA and not get into any colleges you want because you don't correct your typos and as a result she'll fail i just didn't get in anywhere at first and that was awful for me um

what would i tell her that's a great question I guess I would I don't know I feel like I nailed it Yeah Like I didn't It's a big conversation now About like feminism and uplifting girls

And I just never Understood why It was never a conversation growing up Because I didn't see myself as any different Not academically But like essence wise Like I just didn't Why would a boy talk over me

Like it didn't even occur to me Like I did the improv troupe and I remember like one of the other kids would grab the mic and I would think like, I'm going to do this professionally and you're going to go to med school. So I'm getting my fucking joke in. I don't know. I guess, uh, maybe listen better.

I don't know. I don't know. Perfreet is great. Yeah, it's good. You did it. Okay. And I think that's the ultimate exercise. Okay, I'm sorry. I don't have developed hamstrings and I work on all the time.

I have something. Put some lotion around your knees, Eliza. And stop going outside with baby oil on. You're never going to be a tan person. Did you really do? You did? Yeah. And like, it'll just, like, it'll burn and then it'll be a tan.

Did you ever do, like, hydrogen peroxide or lemon in your hair for the, like, natural bleach? No, because I've been, like, professionally highlighting my hair for a very long time. But I did, speaking of middle school, okay, I had a, I had a very hot friend, my best friend. She was my best friend. And she was, like, tall and blonde and all these things. And I remember, it's like, my hair was, like, starting to go from blonde to, like, we'll call it darker blonde. and we went to her, like, grandpa's house in, not El Paso, Lubbock.

You haven't had to... Lubbock, that's where my old Gossip Girl co-stars from. Chase Crawford is from Lubbock. I thought you were going to say Buddy Holly. Oh, Buddy Holly? That's like the big one. I didn't know that. Yeah.

Buddy Holly, they know. They have a whole thing. But we would go there. It's very Texas. We take the Suburban and we go and drink Dr. Pepper. Oh, you had a suburban. That's very Texas. Her dad did, and a lot of guns.

which were fine at the time but like now Yeah guns were so fine back then And they are fine for the state of Texas now Turns out they're very okay with it But we would go and I would always And she had a bottle of sun in And we were gonna use it together

Like we were gonna get blonder together And then she was like I forgot it and we like went outside And we came back in I was like Your hair's different And she had like secretly used it And left me in the lurch What that is evil

That's evil And you know your friend thinks you're not cute When like you meet a group of guys She's like you should totally go talk to Justin and he's like the ugly one you're like yeah I can't wait he's repulsive but in like a year he's such a good listener I'm on a while like his ear so but the sun in was like a big betrayal I was like you're trying to get hotter than me you already are trying to get you clearly she thought you were hot too she was trying to sabotage you she just wanted all the blonde

for herself and jokes on her because I now I have almost no hair from coloring it so much so I don't have to worry about it oh I would tell myself to stop straightening your hair nobody's impressed it doesn't matter so stop putting so much heat on it still getting curly around the forehead because of the sweat yes like nothing will make you feel uglier

than just like broken hairs having had a baby or not and you're just like you look I look like Tom Petty most of the time so it's like always an opponent like should I show them like no this is being taped taped

so yeah that was that broke my heart you've been delightful yeah thank you so much Thank you. Thanks for having me. This was so much fun. Eliza, what projects do you have coming down the pipeline?

Several months ago, I decided to produce comedy specials. I just felt that somewhere between a Netflix special with your favorite celebrities and, you know, a new faces showcase, there are so many funny, undiscovered,

or slash hardworking comics in L.A. that I see out almost every night. So I put together something called Eliza's locals. So this is three episodes of 10-minute comedy specials and we did 18 comics so you can go in find like a new comic you like it's a diverse lineup these people are funny they're super hard working i love them and that premieres today uh so it's been out it's on youtube and it's called eliza's locals and i'm just really proud of these guys they're beautiful tapes is your shirt merch it's not merch but i had one

made for every comic so it says locals only in the back i love that they're names oh that's really I just wanted to create a space It's such a hard industry And like nobody did me a favor And so I just wanted to With the little power I had Create a space so they could get their comedy On Sirius XM

People could see a beautiful tape of them And I could just share the comics that I love So check out Eliza's locals, please That's awesome That's great, I will actually Please, yeah You can get tickets for Eliza Schlesinger Live on her hard feelings tour

Now at www.org at eliza.com or you can follow her online at eliza s i want to wear headphones personally it makes me feel so much more like we're in a real the volume's probably off though i can hear it no no no perfect i feel like you spill more secrets with headphones because you're like it's just us right yes exactly