Podcrushed - [Rerun] Ayo Edebiri

Episode Date: June 10, 2026

[Original air date: June 28, 2022] Writer, comedian, actress, and The Bear star Ayo Edebiri charms the crew with stories of first periods and missed Leonardo DiCaprio encounters. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lemonada. One day there was a knock on the door that was like, hi, we're scouting for a movie. Would you be interested in using your home? Actually, it's going to be directed by Martin Scorsese. I mean, I was like, you think I was born yesterday? You think I came to America for you to tell me Martin Scorsese is coming to town? Get off, get off my porch.

And so my dad was like, no, absolutely not. And my daughter has piano lessons, so you got to go. And they were like, if you wait, like, an hour, we will let you meet Martin Sorsese and Leonard DiCaprio. And I was like, y'all are, you like, you must like, I'm like, idiot. I got to take my daughter to piano. This is Pod Crush. The podcast that takes this thing out of rejection, one crushing middle school story at a time. And where guests share their teenage memories, both meaningful and mortifying.

And we're your hosts. I'm Nava, a former middle school director. I'm Sophie, a former fifth grade teacher. And I'm Penn, a middle school dropout. We're just three beehis who are living in Brooklyn. Wanting to make stuff together with a particular fondness for awkward nostalgia. Well, I struggle with nostalgia. I'm here for the therapy.

Today we have a very special guest. Her name is Iowa DeB. Well, Sophie, why don't you introduce her? Because you're the one who even brought her own. Yeah, so Iowa Debris is our guest for today. She is a stand-up comedian and writer. She's the voice of Missy on Big Mouth. And she plays Haddy on Dickinson.

She's actually, I mean, I feel like every week, She's in something new. She's in The Bear on FX. I'm telling you, probably an Emmy nomination in her future very soon. She and I actually went to college together at NYU. And this was our first time seeing each other since college. And I feel like this episode was really special for me because we both acknowledged that we wished we had hung out more in college, which was really sweet and felt kind of like a middle school

moment. She did amazing on this episode. It's one of my favorites. So without further ado, let's get into it. Just a reminder, we've changed the format. We're putting the stories at the end. So if you want to hear me doing that narration bit, it's particularly poignant.

It connects to IOS story. It's about periods. You said that. Periods. Periods. Hi, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus here, and I can't wait for you to hear our new episode of Wiser Than Me with Cindy Lauper on Amazon Music.

Cindy may be a girl who just wants to have fun, but for 40 years she has brought playfulness and a dash of punk to some serious activism. We talk about her lifelong LGBTQ plus advocacy, her astonishing music career, and pick up a whole lot of wisdom along the way. Listen now only on Amazon Music, included with Prime. I'm Blake Mikoski. As the founder of Tom's Shoes, I helped millions of people and built a global brand. But selling my company cost me my personal. purpose and nearly my life. I completely fell apart. I spent years chasing a single cure that would fix me, only to realize there is no magic pill. My new podcast is a look at how dark it can get and also the daily choices that we can make to lead us back to ourselves. No magic pill

is out now. When I think of me as like a very underweight like 12 year old being like so Dad, like, you miss church and I just want you to know, like, I hope you don't go to hell. Like, I was like, really, that was like my vibe. And I was like evangelizing to my teacher. It's a very strong vibe. It's a very strong vibe. And very strong in that way and then like really sensitive in a lot of others. A lot was reading.

I was very, very anxious about school. And now I'm like, oh, Iyo, you had anxiety. I would be like so wound up about school and getting good grades. In sixth grade, I got my first B plus on a report card, and I went to the teacher after school and cried. His name was Mr. G. He lived in Cape Cod and would commute to school every day. What did he do?

And a trailer van. He like used to work in the army. No, when you cried, I mean. Oh, he literally, well, he used to like be. in the army he was like this huge enormous like bald man um who looked like mr clean and i like you know this like four-foot child is like please i can't get it be blessed i need to get mine as a remote go to college and he was like um i don't think that's true uh but if you want i guess you can do extra credit uh and i like did like three extra credit projects in order to get it

A plus. And he was like, just for, so you know, like, it's not that serious. Just for next time. It's really not that serious at all. But that's kind of like who I was. Okay, but this must have been around the time you were realizing you were funny, right? Or when was that? It's weird to explain.

Okay. But I basically feel like I made a conscious decision to be funny. I feel like I was always weird. And I feel like I always liked to try. hard and like work hard. But I remember like in seventh and eighth grade just being like I don't like how I feel people are treating me and I feel like I don't like how people are perceiving me. So I like have all the know how to be funny.

So I'm like going to be funny. And like eighth grade I was like I'm going to buy a pair of sneakers and I'm going to like make jokes in class. And I'll like still work hard. But like that's what I'm going to do. Like those were two separate goals. Were the sneakers related? The sneakers were related in my head to this idea of like, I really wasn't wearing sneakers.

I was wearing sort of like flats. So you're like, I'm changing my persona. And I was like, if I wear sneakers, people will know that I'm cool. And then if people can perceive me as cool, then they'll be able to perceive me as funny as well. And I was like, okay, I'm making jokes. And I have this history class in eighth grade. And I was like, I'm good at history. So this is like the class in which I'll make jokes.

And really a scary child. And I remember I was like, all right, I'm making jokes now. This is what I do. Like, I make jokes. And the coolest girl in my school was like, you've been funny lately. And I was like, all right, fuck yeah. Like, we're in. It's a crazy age.

And I feel like you feel like there are these benchmarks. I mean, like, even like getting my period. I didn't get my period until I was 16. And there was nothing wrong with me. That's just sometimes people don't get it until they're 16. But I had a friend who got it when she was 10, you know? And it's like you're on, you're, both of you feel like you're crazy. And you're like, I should be getting this on my 13th birthday.

Exactly. A day later. Midnight. And that is when I am a, and that is when I'm a perfect woman, you know? Like, I don't know. It's, it's interesting. It's so weird because periods, we've evolved, but they were like so stigmatized. But it was also among girls, like a thing.

of like getting your period was like a... I was like pumped to get my period. I got mine when I was 12 and I was so proud. You should. That like I got it. Yeah, I know you should be. I'm so consciously. Still stinks.

Yeah, I'm jealous of you. No worries. I had a signal with a friend that was when we both got our periods. We would send each other a text message that was just a period. Oh. Really secretive and cool.

Would anybody know? Okay, very, very secret code. The red dot. Yeah, so we just send each other. Well, this is pre-imogi. I was going to say, it must have been pre-imogi. This is pre-imogy. This is like around the time, the era of the sidekick, of the Motorola razor, of the LG chocolate, of the LG slide.

Keep going. I like the specificity. So I would immediately go to the Verizon store in the mall and cry because my parents would buy me a phone. And for a really long time, I would either text on my mom's phone, embarrassing, or. Is that why you needed the code? Yeah. Yeah. It was we would send each other a period.

And when I got my period, I sent her the text. And she was like, what? Yeah. I was like, I got my period. And she was like, oh, oh, oh, congrats. It was so long. It did so much time. It passed.

And she was like, what? You were waiting a code? I was like, I must send the text. Yeah. Okay, so, so wait a second. When did you get your period for the first time? Do you remember that day at all? I got it when I was jogging with my dad. We went on a jog and I was having these like horrible stomach pains and like I just felt like I was gonna poo to be honest. And I was like, what is wrong with me? And my dad was like, push through it, push through it. Come on. Come on, push through it. And I was like, we need to stop. I feel like I'm going to die. I'm going to the bathroom. Like we need to find out. We need to find out. I'm going to find out. a bathroom. We went to this horrible small, small sandwich shop that's now closed and it's like was run by this one guy who would take 50 minutes to make one sandwich. I don't know why we went

there. Boston is a trap and I was like in the horrible stinky little bathroom and I was like I pooped out the front and what is this brown glue? And then I was like, oh no. And I immediately like watered up toilet paper, obviously wearing leggings. So there's now disgusting lump underneath. And I'm like, Father, we must go home. And he's like, my sandwich didn't come yet. It takes 40 minutes. I was like, we have to drive home now.

And so we went home. And immediately I went to the bathroom and I'm rifling through the cabinets for anything, anything. At that time, my mom also had me when she was like 40, I think. And so she was past it. she was past it. So there are no pets. And I'm like,

and so I'm like, Mother, what did, I, and she's like, huh? I got my period. And she's like, oh, you didn't get that yet?

I don't need this from you. I need pets. So she's like, all right, just like stay in the bathroom, whatever. Meanwhile, I want to die.

I feel like this is the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life. And like, truly at the point that was the most excruciating physical pain

I'd ever experienced in my life. And we didn't really have painkillers in my house. So I just was like, drinking hot water and like writhing on the floor and then I hear a knock and I'm like oh my god yes it's Helen with pads let's go I open the door and it's my father he's like his back is towards me and he's like I heard you got your period I was like no he's like you're not supposed to know that and he was like I was going to find out anyway and I was like what is that even supposed to mean whatever and he

was like well it happens and he closed the door it happens literally the father of a daughter and it happens and then my mom brought me a pad and then I was like this is an awful. This is what I've waited for. You're kidding me. Yeah. And then cut to now. And the perfect woman. Yeah. But horrend. Horet. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. You know, that, I mean, so relatable, so visceral. The wadded up toilet paper. Just really intense sensation. Who told me? Who told me? Actually, I remember the most popular girl in school taught me how to use tampons. And then I taught my mom how to use tampons. I was like the late bloomer and I learned how to use tampons I think because of either my mom or an old American girl doll sort of like book that was left lying around whatever.

If you know about that book and you know that it's scarring, then you know. But I remember my friend who I was like, oh, this is a friend who also like she had sex, you know, like and I was like, oh, like, she was like, I don't know how to use a handball. And I was like, what do you mean you don't know how to use a tampon? You've had sex. And she was like, I've never used one before. And I taught her how to use it and she almost passed down. She was like, this is horrible. This is like horrible.

Yeah, well, some just girly things. I recall having had asked my mother what a tampon was because they were like in her purse and stuff. And I don't recall what she told me because what I understood of it was what I'm about to tell you, which is what I told all of my friends. Oh, no. I thought somehow that it was like. food for the eggs? No.

What? I don't know where I thought that we're going to go. It's not there. It's like, it's like I knew there were eggs involved somehow. It's so wrong. In my mind is like, what does eggs mean? What is it? We're in the region.

Actually, I mean, the fact that you even knew a period had anything to do with like an egg being released. Yeah, sure, sure. I mean, that's pretty, sure. I don't want to celebrate it in any way. I can't have. I want to be selling. And I, yeah, I don't recall, like, who told me that I was wrong, but definitely nobody knew I was wrong when I first was telling me.

And then, yeah, I don't remember how that story really ends. But that was me. That was me mansplaining in end of fifth grade. Summer in the city can be tricky when it comes to fashion, just getting dressed in the morning so they don't have to change once or twice before the day is over. That's a challenge. I want to look good in what I'm wearing without thinking too much about it, you know? And in the heat, it's lighter fabrics, better materials, pieces that just feel good.

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there's a Volvo for everyone. Learn more at Volvocars.ca. Having like known you and also like watched you in interviews and and things like that, I know that you grew up in Boston, which is white. Yes. Very white. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And yeah, I wonder like what was that like for you in middle school? Yeah, it was interesting because my church, like growing up my church and my friends, my church, those were all black people. Those were all people who were also like immigrants. and like kids of immigrants. And so I feel like I had like a bedrock of that. Yeah. I ended up going to like a predominantly like historically white institution and went to like a private school before that was like Catholic and like quite white. And like that was just, yeah, a lot of it.

And had like, you know, weird experiences when I'm in like seventh grade and starting to meet new people. And then there's, you know, like black people who are like, no, you're not black enough. And I'm like, what do you mean? Like everywhere else. I thought this was like authentic. Like I thought this was my personality. You're telling you no. So simply wrong.

And I think there was like a huge kind of like internal crisis for me also like both my parents are immigrants. So I think their relationship to blackness in this country is different than if you are like, you know, have roots in like slavery or like generations back of people who have lived here and an immigrated here or what have you. And so their relationship to blackness was different. and I remember like I would watch like the VH1 like I love the or like you know behind the music or like whatever like history of like rap and I would like be like writing these things down

and like immediately going to like lime wire and like trying to like download as much music as possible or like being like we're only watching TV one and we're only watching BT like I need to catch up it's UPN only like I need to do my research like this is not authentic the way that we and living is not authentic. Like, okay, like, we're just here. Like, we just don't want you to, like, be, we were just watching, like, Davy and Goliath. Like, we didn't even know if it was that serious. So, yeah, I think there was, like, a kind of wild, kind of, like, a crisis moment.

And then also I would have moments, you know, where even my dad would be, like, oh, you're saying, like, a lot. And, like, you're, like, going to school now with all these, like, white girls from West Roxbury would have you. and now you're like, oh my God, like, and I, then I would be like, is that not how I talk? Like, how am I supposed to talk now? Like, what do I sound like? But I also wonder if there's like a thing to our sort of generation and maybe this is wrong or whatever. But as I was growing up, like we were starting to learn about things, like injustices and like microaggressions. Like I remember where I was when I learned that and being like, oh, I guess this has happened to me.

and now these are things that I feel like are much more in like our cultural language. Totally. Yeah. But I just remember like feeling like, oh my God, like I'm learning about racism. And I'm learning about my life. And I'm realizing like these things kind of applied to me. And I don't like it when somebody is like saying my hair is like crazy. You know?

Or I am being like, oh, I straightened my hair. I don't think it means anything. Does it mean anything? like these sort of things were starting to all bubble up around that time. I don't really think they would be fully explored in my mind until like college, to be honest. But the seeds were planted. Yeah, for sure. I'm just enough older than you, just a couple years now, that like I feel like that wasn't in the cultural lexicon until I was like in my late teens.

Yeah. And it's different. It's like I feel like, I mean, especially as like a young white boy, I feel like I was kind of dying for. more space for that conversation because I was conscious of it. But how much is a 13-year-old white kid going to be thinking about white privilege in the terms that we talk about it now

or all these, you know. So it's interesting to hear your reflections about that time. Like you, like you, like that term microaggressions, I also remember when I first heard it. And I was, I just would have loved to have heard it earlier. It's weird. It's weird. I don't know. And then it's like interesting. I think about after I graduated

high school, like seeing kids who are younger than me like fully versed in it and being like, I'm old. I'm 18, but I'm old. And, you know, also, I grew very religious, which I think had a lot of really beautiful parts of it. And then there were also some parts of it where it's like I was a little bigot.

And, you know, I just like, honestly, like, I had a... Just to your dad. Only for my father. But, like, I... Because I was... In my head, I wasn't exposed to these things. And I had a friend who I remember, like, I remember being in, like, ninth grade

and being, like, I don't really... know any gay people, you know, my friend being like, I'm gay. And you're like, oh, my God, okay. Well, I guess gay people are cool. Like, I know when you're my friend. But, like, that feeling of, like, learning. I think it just was happening as we were growing up. And that's kind of like an interesting thing to reckon with, especially when I think

about, like, my parents and I talk to them when I'm like, you don't understand anything. And they're like, everything was the same until 10 years ago for us. That's so interesting. Like the changes we were experiencing were different changes. Like, are bad. Just give us a second to catch up. Iya, you've mentioned a few times that you grew up religious. And I'm just curious sort of like, what has your evolution with that been?

What's kind of your relationship to spirituality now? Yeah. I think I consider myself a spiritual person. I like, when I first moved to New York, I was trying to find another church. And that was like very exhausting spiritually and really dream. because I was like, I want to find a place that feels cool and young like I do, but also I don't want to be in a church that's like, and nothing matters. Like, we're not even reading the Bible today. And it's like, wait, what? Like, hold on. Come on. There's got to be like a middle. And

then, yeah, and I just felt, and I just felt kind of like sad by that. And then I think I just was like, I don't want to feel like I've like stepped away or because there's like that. term like backsliding that I feel like has such a I've never heard that yeah I've never heard that it's very Christian very Christian term but it has such like a harshness almost and I remember being younger and being like oh she backslid you know and like and so I just was then like oh my god like would somebody say that about me and I think I just became very like internal and then uh you know my really close friends and family I felt kind of like distant from them almost and I Then it became this thing of like, oh, are they judging me?

Because now I'm living in New York and like, I have a Twitter and, you know, and I'm doing improv at night. You know, like, are they judging me? Oh, do they think badly of me? Oh, I wear jeans now. I only wore skirts. Jeans, wow. Yeah. So I started wearing pants to school also, like, in high school.

I would wear it off. Pants and sneakers. I remember meeting you and you are Baha'i. And I remember being like, oh, this sounds cool. And everybody who is like Baha'i is like, they're cool. I know. So I first started meeting Baha. I mean, I was much later.

I was not like in college. I had a very A religious, like kind of anti-religious upbringing. So for me, it's interesting to hear your reflections about like, because I don't know, those terms of religion and spirituality, they're different. They have different baggage. They have different meanings for people. Different baggage for sure. And even for me, it's like I now am kind of redefining religion for myself because it's like I came to it through this totally individual pursuit of spirituality that had nothing to do with organized religion as I understood it.

Like to hear you say that when you met me and like heard that I was a Baha'i and that you had that impression feels really like healing to me. Because as a kid, I mean, the Baha'i faith is relatively small. And most of the time people don't know what it is. And it's kind of like something that is another element of like making you an outsider. It's not hard to imagine like a fifth grader being like, you're behind. What's that? That's weird. Yeah, exactly.

I don't know what it is. Therefore, it is weird. And one thing we've been talking about on this podcast is like now that we're all doing this and like going back into our middle school experiences, it's like I find myself wanting to like reconnect with people I knew in middle school who I haven't talked to since middle school and just like rehash that time. Like so much happens and is said to you and that you say, that has an impact on you for a long long time.

Yeah, for sure. There are things that I don't like about myself. It's just like, somebody said this to me once and they do not remember it. And I'm just like, well, core memory. My personality, how have you, myself? It's interesting. You're so, like, I don't know, sensitive at that age and so impressionable, like, at those ages. Your brain is like, what is happening?

What is going on? Everything is changing. I am getting taller at night. Like, you know. Only at night. Oh, yeah. There was a night where I grew. I remember.

Yeah, I woke up and I was like, I'm an inch taller. I was like, this is weird. Yeah, a lot of, oh, body stuff. A lot of body stuff. Yeah. So thinking of like intense things that happened at that time. Let's out of that. Yeah, let's keep going.

Gorgeous segue. That's so, loveliest voice. in the world. So thinking of intense things that happened at that time. One of the things that a lot of our

users write about is not users. We have a website. Start again. That a lot of listeners have written about is crushes. Like their first crush,

their first time being rejected. Yes. The first time they saw the right. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Finally. Spill the team. Okay. My first big crush was my friend. And literally I say his full name. His name was Bill.

And it started in fifth grade at the end of school, at the end of the school year. Me, yeah, he origamied me a heart out of a dollar. And I saved it until I was like in high school, I think. Because I was like, he loves me. He origamied me a dollar, a heart out of a dollar bill. This is literally my husband. And I was like, I'm going to be, I'm going to be Mrs. Bill. This is it.

We're locking it down. And then my friend Michelle was like, he's learning how to origami. Like, girl, get it together. He's just making shapes. Like, it's really not that serious. But he was like my first big crush. And I was like, I'm going to be Vietnamese now. Like, this is like my, this is like my husband.

This is my life. Like, I need to propose. hair. And obviously nothing happened. But it was like my first big crush. I just thought he was the best. And then

I mean, how well did you know him though? I'm curious. Because often, you know, crushes are like you don't really know. Yeah, yeah. Your voice went up. I mean, it was like, right. Are you telling the truth? Are you going to tell the truth? No, you didn't hand it to me.

I'm still in love with Bill. I catch the first flight to Boston. Humiliating. And honestly, knowing my friend, somebody will listen to this and somebody will tell Bill. Hi, Bill. We talked a few months ago. My voice is getting so hot. Slide into her DMs, Bill.

I mean to her DMs. Sweating. Honestly, okay. We knew each other probably since third or fourth grade. Io, can I interrupt to just ask, what were you like once you realized you had those feelings? How did you act around them? Probably, in my head, I feel like I was very like, whatever, I'm cool. I don't have crushes at all.

Whatever. We're all friends. But then my first boyfriend was a guy that I went to church with. Oh, any, oh my gosh. You know, what happened is his brother asked me. Oh, yeah, that's classic. Yes, classic. His brother asked me, and I was like, tell him, I say yes.

And then we're running the night's church and we're like, okay, we're boyfriend and girlfriend now. Bye! And I was like so religious and like so chaste and I was like I love our little courtship. Now we are 12 and 13 and we will be dating. And then we will get married and that is when we will kiss. And then like three months later he was like, yeah. So this other girl said she's going to give me a kiss. And it was like a girl that I kind of knew.

And I was like, oh yeah, like it's fine, whatever. Like I'm just one of the guys like no big deal. And then they dated And then everybody's like, yeah, they're like making out And I was like, oh, cool! That is. I mean, we're laughing. I'm laughing.

But at that age, at that age, I feel like that's the level of like infidelity betrayal. It's like, 100% of it. I was like, I have been cheated on. I have been wronged. And then I was like, whatever, I'm going to listen to like muse. I'm going to listen to secular music. I'm so heartbroken.

But that was like my big heartbreak. And then kind of after that, I think I just was like, well, I just have not meant to date anybody. And I also was like, it's quite awkward. And then especially like in getting older like the seventh, eighth grade years, I didn't really feel very like pretty. I didn't really feel like, you know, listen, the boobs weren't in yet, you know. And then even when they were, I was like, these are hideous. I'm deeply ashamed of these. hate these, wait a minute, this is what, this is what came.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're doing, we're doing, we're doing, we're keeping it, we're sweaters. And maybe, I had, I definitely had crushes. I know there, those are the years where, I'm sorry, I'm fidgeting, but I know those are the years where everybody's like, and I was like, raging, raging, raging horny, horny horn, horn, horn. And I just was like, I was like, I was not, I really just was like, hmm, hasn't really kicked him yet. Okay, well, everybody's really embarrassed about things. Not me.

I'm just reading my books, pray, and thinking. I wish I knew you in high school. I don't think so. I think I do. Yeah, like my first kiss wasn't until I was like 15 or 16, and it was like a spin-the-bottle game with a friend. And then I was like, that was my first kiss. Yeah, but then, but I didn't really like start dating until like college.

Even then I felt like, oh my God, this is so, like I missed. I should have been marrying more people on the playground. Like I should have really, I should have risked at all. I love this idea that you can get to college and feel like you're so, not you, like all, I think all of us arrived to that age and feel like we're so inexperienced because of this preconceived notion of what it is to be, you know, you see, basically, I mean, what we often touch on here, because I also what I've been doing for most of my life. like, you know, making movies, TV, like, you see these images of people in college who were

being played by, like, 27-year-olds who were like, yeah, well, I mean, I'm in a polyamous relationship. And it's, and it's like, wow, that's so evolved. I recently, I filmed a movie last year that, like, whatever, but I filmed a movie last year where I played a high school or senior in high school. And I was like, oh my God, like, I'm part of the problem now. This is so exciting. I'm not going to deny that. I'm going to distort.

from Giles' view of what they should look like. Oh my God. I also, wow, I can't believe. I was writing fan fiction about celebrities, but it literally would not be like, it wouldn't be romantic in any way. It would be going through the rap shirt. No, it was like, I would read fan fiction.

That would be like Hillary Duff and Abraul Levine, like, go to them all and like have a good day. That's so sweet. It's simple. It's so sweet. My fan fiction was like the people that I think are cool having a good day. So what a sad gy. No, no.

Crazy fantasy. Two people having a nice time. At the mall. I believe this. Microsoft Word. Eat this up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What's that I loved?

I loved Natasha Gunningfield. Vanessa. Oh, no. And I forget her last name. Carlton. A thousand miles. At the piano. I bought that album at like the last Sam Goody.

in Boston. At the Sanjord Plaza, yes. Back at it again. Back at the Sanjura Plaza. You know I had to hit the Salshra Plaza. Come on. Maybe they'll sponsor this podcast. Yeah, yeah, it's still there.

Sam Goody. Yeah, Sam Goody will sponsor. The first CD I bought was at a Sam Goody, but that was like in a heyday of Sam Goody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was like kind of the Sam Goody was dying out there. Yeah, because iTunes was starting to happen, even though I was like, can we please put the credit card in the computer?

I was like, no. They'll find us, you know. Oh, another, wow. Okay, this is a random story, but just related to my dad being like, they'll find us. One day there was a knock on the door that was like, hi, we're scouting for a movie. Would you be interested in using your home? Actually, it's going to be directed by Martin Scorsese. I mean, I was like, you think I was born yesterday?

You think I came to America for you to tell me Martin Scorsese is coming to town? Get off, get off my porch. And so my dad was like, no, absolutely not. And my daughter has piano lessons, so you gotta go. And they were like, if you wait, like, an hour, we will let you meet Martin Sorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio. And I was like, y'all are, you must like, I'm an idiot. I gotta take my daughter to piano.

Do I play piano today? No. And did my fricking annoying neighbors end up getting a picture with Leonardo decaprio. Yes. Yes. Yes, they did. And obviously I'm really over that. memory. Obviously.

Damn. You just didn't go up several others? No. It stayed low. I am heated. I am still upset about this one. Yeah, but anyway, I think maybe that inspired the pivot to entertainment industry.

I'm like, I need to get my moment. I need to avenge this moment and just meet Martin's Grisdizzi and have him look at my childhood home. Maybe he'll be a pod crush listener. It might. Seems likely. You listening to the bus? You think I was born yesterday, Sophie?

Come on. That age, the seeds of identity seemed to really start blossoming and start growing. For sure. I'm curious, like, for 6th and 7th and 8th grade, I.O., what did you think made people happy then? Not to, not like you wanting to people please and make people happy, but like, or maybe that's part of it, but like, how would you have defined happiness then? Like, what was the, you know, like, what's the thing you thought life was about getting? and how has that surprisingly remained the same or evolved to now? Well, I know I wanted to marry Leonardo DiCaprio.

Not Bill? Not Bill. I wanted to marry Leonard DiCaprio. And maybe there was a time when I had a chance. Now I think I'm a little too old. I think he'd laugh at that. Yeah, listen. We're never going to meet each other.

Yeah, I know that I wanted to marry Leonardo DiCaprio for sure. And I want it. I don't know. I remember being a really happy child. And then around those middle school years, I think comparison started to kick in a lot. And I think also things that, no, I am very aware are biological, chemical because of my family history. I was like starting to get sad and like anxious. And I didn't understand why.

And I think I started to fundamentally think like, oh, maybe I will not be as happy as other people or the people who are happy and seem like they have everything together. Or the people who like have $100 to blow at like Hollister. And like, and I don't have those things. And so I had moments of happiness with like friends and family and like different groups or whatever. But I think it was the beginning of a period of like a lot of stress for me. and when I look at pictures of myself at that time, sometimes I get so emotional because I like, I can see little me like being kind of like,

because when I was a kid, I was so like, talk to everybody. Oh, I was talk, talk, talk on the street. Like my mom has like 80 stories of like, and then you said this to this woman. And then we had to pull you away. And then as I started getting old, I think I did start getting a little more internal, a little more like reserved and a little more cautious.

And I think, yeah, I don't know. I had like moments of happiness, but I wasn't really sure what it meant. And like now I would tell like little, I would tell little me like, it's okay to like talk to somebody about these things. But I was like just so, yeah, I was so like internal and also was very like,

okay, I can just like pray about this for like an hour and maybe it'll go away or I'll just like journal and I won't really like talk to anybody about it because I think I still was aware that people perceived me as like a happy kid and I didn't want to change those perceptions. And I like have a memory of like eighth grade like, oh my God, so heavy. I have a memory of like calling my best friend and just crying and being like, I don't know why I'm crying. Like do you like ever get like this? and her being like, not really.

And me being like, oh, okay. Like, I think this is kind of like who I am now or whatever. Like, I have to be like goofy, silly. And then, like, then I just, then there's like nobody really talk about. And also I think growing up both religious and first generation therapy was not like a word in our house. And like a therapist is somebody who like takes you away from your family. You know, like that was like my perception of like mental health. and well-being and stuff like that.

So is that an answer to your question? Yeah, no, I mean, there's a couple things I heard. I mean, so it's funny because for me growing up, like, very much not having religious upbringing. A therapist did also sound like, it was like a, it sounded like something it's like, oh, so you have problems. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I mean, there definitely was a general stigma.

Of course, that was also, again, like the difference of like four, five, six years, every generation now is actually significant. So, like, I did have a bit more of a, like, that problem. prototypical American. 100%. Those archetypes were very, very firmly in the minds of youth, whereas they are not so much,

they're just not the same now. No, I mean, it's like huge to think about the fact that I think there are people who are public figures who even speak about mental health. Whereas, you know, all the Britney Spears stuff in the documentary was happening, I, you know, I very much remember like being like, oh, she crazy, you know?

And like, that's like fodder. for jokes and like that was just the that was the time that was like how it felt and it's like so much has changed I think for the better um in terms of just being able to like speak about this stuff and even being able to be like oh I am sad I wonder you touched on this a little bit in your answer to Penn's question but if you were to be able to go back and give young I.O. any advice and not I think the other day Penn said this in really nice way like not not to change anything about what happened throughout your life but just like if you could say

anything to her. Encourage. Yeah. First I would definitely give her a hug and she would be like we don't hug in this family. And I would be like I know but you will work through you will work through that you will learn how to hug people and then I would be like

hey this like rain boots phase is really it's actually like not going to be it rain boots are not going to have a moment and neither are newsboy hats. Wait a second. You were wearing both of those.

Yeah. At the same sign. Oh my God. And vest. How bold. Wait a second. Wait a year. We had a day where we dressed as ourselves in seventh grade.

And I showed up and everybody immediately knew skinny jeans, graffiti shirt, vest, newsboy hat, ring boots. I totally had a vest. And even when I was in college, I had these like, like, at NYU. I had like yellow rain boots. And I was like, these aren't cool. Yeah. I've been a trigger, here we go, but I really have been disturbed by the like vest revival.

I've been like really like I cannot participate. I watch. I feel joy and love for everybody who is finding this beautiful and connected to themselves. But I literally cannot touch that movement. It is there is something dark that I have not resolved with myself. But that was like, that was my uniform. I impressed kind of. A friend.

My friends in eighth grade all got me newsboy hats as a birthday gift. And I cried. I was like, I am seen by these people. These are the best people I know. They all got me newsboy hats. They all pitched in and went to Aldo. Oh, my God. And they all got me newsboy hats.

Oh, children, children, children, if you knew the magic of them all. But yeah, that was, so that would be first order of business. and that is prescriptive, but I have to tell her. Yeah, fine. And then really, I know it's so cliche, but I really would just be like, it is going to be okay. Like, I feel like I had this idea that, like,

when you grew up and you had a top-down car, and you lived in Greece, and you shared a pair of pants with your four best friends. I wonder where you got that idea. So novel. Oh, I just realized that was. And, you know, and like, randomly your hair is straight and blonde now.

and you're dating a guy who you think is 17, but is actually played by a 35-year-old man. When all of that, you know, that's what I thought that growing up was. And, like, things got wrapped up and your life was, like, awesome. And it's like, no, it's like, it's a journey. And, like, there's ups and downs and blah, blah, blah, life, life. But I just really think I did not process that as, like, as a child. Like I was so desperate for this idea of like X will happen and my left will change.

And now I feel like I don't know, you realize a lot of times when you get what you want. That's when you're like, oh my God, the world, like what? Now I definitely don't know what's going on. I definitely don't know what I want. I definitely don't know what's left and what's right. There's a need for cultural spaces to give expression to those thoughts because, you know, if everyone at that age and most ages

are having these thoughts it's like that space for cultural expression because the irony is that once I got that reference I actually realized I know the people who are part of that reference very well and I can tell you that all those people at that age were having the same thoughts

if you told me that at the time maybe you should go back in time that's what I'm doing you don't need that as a child because she would be I am making this podcast to atone for my sins. 11-year-old Iowa would be like, this guy's righteous. I'm with him.

I would be following you. I'm going to be like, wait a minute. I guess I'm Pentacostal. We got there. That's the one that has never happened. I've gotten a lot of nicknames, but that's not one. Pentacostal. Well, thank you for coming.

Yeah. Thank you for coming into our home here. This was so nice. I'm so glad I got to chat with you all. I really feel, I feel so nice. I'm going to listen to Philip Glass. on the way home. Wow.

Today's story is all about periods. Don't miss it. Period. You guys, I'm going into the seventh grade. I'm doing it. It's going to be my year. I'm 12 years old, living 45 minutes outside of St. Louis

in a little town in Illinois. It's 1993, and I'm so excited to go back to school. I've got my favorite homeroom teacher, and my best friend is in my class. Life is pretty good. So I walk in on the first day of school, and there he is.

The Jesse Cooper in my mom. my home room. Jesse is popular, cute, funny, and everybody agrees. And as the weeks go by, I, Crystal Johnson, am somehow becoming friends with him. What a dream come true. Like, the other day, he passed me by in the hallway, smiled to me, and I melted. Anyway, I'm walking towards my locker, and I spot Jesse. So I smile coyly as I open my locker. But see, now I'm trying to balance eye flirting while surreptitiously reaching for a maxi pad. Not just any old maxi pad, one of those classic 90s thick granny-panny maxi pads. And what I fail to notice is that my backpack is open and it's tilted downwards.

Not one pad, not two pads. All of my maxi pads came crashing out of my bag, cascading, water falling, TLC, just as Jesse walks by my locker. What do I do? I throw myself over them, using my body as a little bit of my body as a little bit of my body. a shield to hide the pile of maxi pads littering the floor in front of my locker. I'd like to remind you that we're in the 90s right now, and people are not woke about periods yet. Nobody is celebrating that ish. You hide your monthly visitor like you hide an STD. So, here I am, sprawled out on the hallway floor, covering those pads like a dog covering the

hole he's used to bury his bone, and I snap out of it. I look up and whose eye is the first to catch mine. The Jesse Cooper's. Of course. He keeps looking at me, half pity, half amusement, all Jesse. At this moment, I pray for the earth to split open and swallow me, whole. No dice. So I bolt up, pick up all the pads in one fell swoop, shove them in my locker, and I sprint to the bathroom, only to discover that in all the commotion I have completely bled through my underwear onto my pants.

What, you want more? You want a punch the ending? Okay, fine. I bled to death. Bye. Podcrush is hosted by Penn Badgley, Navakavalin, and Sophie Ansari. Our executive producer is Nora Ritchie from Stitcher. Our lead producer and editor is David Ansari. Our secondary editor is Sharaf and Twizzle. Special thanks to Peter Clowney, VP of Content at Stitcher, Eric Eddings, Director of Lifestyle Programming at Stitcher,

Jared O'Connell and Brendan Bryans for the tech support, and Shruti Marante, who transcribes our tape. Podcush was created by Naviavalin. and is executive produced by Penn Badgley and Navakaval and produced by Sophie and Sari. This podcast is a ninth mode production. Be sure to subscribe to Podcrush. You can find us on Stitcher, the series XM app, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. If you'd like to submit a middle school story, go to podcrush.com and give us every detail.

And while you're online, be sure to follow us on socials, or we're telling everyone that your mom still walks you to the bus stop. You don't want that. It's at Podcrush, spelled how it sounds. And our personals are at Ben Badgley, at Nava. that's Navo with three ends and at scribble by Sophie. And we're out. See you next week. No, it's so funny.

Do it. Just do a take with it. Just do a take with it. I'm going to do my joke again. You do yours. We'll both laugh. Okay. Wait, can we keep that in the, can that be the Easterer at the end?

I'm going to do my joke. You do your joke. Then we'll both laugh. Stitcher.