Podcrushed - [Rerun] Taylor Tomlinson

Episode Date: December 25, 2024

Today we're rerunning our Taylor Tomlinson episode — one of our favorites from Season 2! You may know her from her viral Netflix specials, "Quarter Life Crisis" and "Look at You", but this week's guest, the bright, witty, and ludicrously funny Taylor Tomlinson, feels duped! She thought she was coming on for a breezy conversation on first periods and childhood crushes, and instead found herself deep in a conversation on heartbreak, rejection, death, and mental health. The hosts hold nothing back, too, this week as they reflect on sudden loss and middle school trauma. This is a special episode of Podcrushed you won't wanna miss. Follow Podcrushed on socials: Twitter Instagram TikTokSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Lemonada Hey there, we've got a holiday rerun for you. I hope you're not disappointed. We think it's a great gift to have rewrapped. We've got Taylor Tomlinson today. One of our favorites, definitely, check it out. I was just so jet-lagged and sort of like, it's, you know, it's like a 17-hour time difference.

And I messed up a joke really early on. And I just sort of crumpled and was like, you guys, I'm so tired. I'm sorry. I know I looked at like find my friends on my phone and everyone I care about so far away. And I just like I had a little bit of a moment. But, you know, afterward I got off stage and I was like, that was rough. And everyone's like, no, no, no. It was funny the way you crumpled.

Right? That's exactly the problem? Yeah, yeah. Welcome to Podcrushed. We're hosts. I'm Penn. I'm Nava. And I'm Sophie.

And I think we could have been your middle school besties. Giving each other makeovers. Do you want to do one more? No, I think that was perfect. Great. Let me tell you, first of all, welcome to the show. Welcome to Hog Crushed. These are my co-hosts.

I have been wearing shoes without socks now for about three to four hours. What? And it's just, yeah, it's like it happens sometimes. You know, circumstantially there's times that make sense. Coming to a podcast doesn't feel like one of them. I feel a bit silly. Also, I'm wearing like a board short hybrid. Oh my God.

What is going on? It's like I'm just. You're clearly at the end of a trip. Yeah. It's like the last thing in your suitcase. No more socks. Yeah. It's, I mean, if you're ever going to do it in shoes,

These are the ones to do it in, by the way. They're breathable, and I will not tell you where to buy them. Today's guest is Taylor Tomlinson, a stand-up comic whose career took off after a successful run on Last Comic Standing, eventually led to two Netflix stand-up specials. She's got a third one in the mix. We had such a good time. There was a point in the interview where we were going so deep and she's so willing and open and vocal and funny. we were we were uh we i feel like it was it's a it's a standalone episode yeah it really

we went too far we're gonna have to cut some of it out for sure he might have dramatized taylor a little bit she's getting extra therapy nava and i both cried yeah that's right yeah and she had to keep herself from crying i walled off yeah just walled off the entire time pen has shut off to his emotions uh-huh yeah only when the camera's on yeah why don't you stick around Does anyone else ever get that nagging feeling that their dog might be bored? And do you also feel like super guilty about it? Well, one way that I combat that feeling is I'm making meal time everything it can be for my little boy, Louis. Nom Nom does this with food that actually engages your pup senses with a mix of tantalizing smells, textures, and ingredients.

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So I feel good knowing its design with Louie's health and happiness in mind. Serve nom nom nom as a complete and balanced meal or as a taste. tasty and healthy addition to your dog's current diet. My dogs are like my children, literally, which is why I'm committed to giving them only the best. Hold on. Let me start again because I've only been talking about Louie. Louie is my bait. Louis, you might have heard him growl just now. Louis is my little baby, and I'm committed to only giving him the best. I love that Nom Nom Nom's recipes contain wholesome nutrient-rich food, meat that looks like meat,

and veggies that look like veggies because, shocker, they are. Louis has been going absolutely nuts for the lamb pilaf. I have to confess that he's never had anything like it and he cannot get enough. So he's a lambie laugh guy. Keep mealtime exciting with nom-num available at your local pet smart store or at Chewy. Learn more at trynom.com slash podcrushed, spelled try-n-o-m.com slash podcrushed. Why do we do it?

We do. What makes life meaningful? My name is Elise Lunan, and I'm the author of Oner Best Behavior and the host of the podcast, Pulling the Thread. I'm pulling the thread. I explore life's big questions with thought leaders who help us better understand ourselves, others, and the world around us. I hope these conversations bring you moments of resonance, hope, and growth. Listen to Pulling the Thread from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts. let's just kick it off with you know 12 year old Taylor um no but seriously like you started stand up at 16 from from what we gather yeah thank you wikipedia yeah thank you thank you chat gpt that means that you you must have been becoming the performer and the artist that you are

now you know roundabout like in middle school like what what does that what does the world look like the 12 year old Taylor, what does what does home look like for 12 year old Taylor? What is what is your interior like? These are three different questions. I know I was like let me keep track of this while I grimace at memories. Um, I, I was very shy when I was a kid. Like I liked performing. I went to like theater camp for a couple summers, but one of the summers I went home because I was like, I'm sick, but I wasn't. I had social anxiety as it turns out. Like I was very, very shy. I moved at the beginning of fifth grade and then we moved again at the beginning of sixth grade which was just very traumatizing yeah back to back yeah back to back like the most vulnerable years um so i really

liked performing but i wasn't good like i'm not good at singing like i can act fine and everything was like a musical at that age so i wasn't ever going to be like the lead in some sort of community theater thing um but i really liked writing when i was in middle school i wanted to be like a young adult novelist like that's what I wanted to do but I didn't know stand up was like a job at that age like I had no idea I remember I saw a clip of

somebody doing standup at like the ice house and I I like Googled stand up from the description because I was like I don't know what that is like I don't know what I thought Dane Cook was doing when we were listening to him in sixth grade I was like this is someone funny with some good ideas about the Kool-Aid

guy like because he was so huge when we were like 10 but I didn't know what he was doing. Do you remember a moment where you realized you were funny? I mean, I think it was funny to my friends and like my friend's parents, but I don't think I was ever the class clown. I did

get class clown my senior year of high school but only because the senior standouts were almost like an assignment. Like you had to go out of your way to turn in your votes. And so the genuinely cool popular kids didn't do that because they were busy having sex.

So all the people who voted were like me and my friends who were like smart and by that point people knew I was doing stand-up so I think that's why I got it but I no I wasn't like loud or cool or popular or funny to most anyone I think I was really uncomfortable in my skin and lived a lot in my head did were you allowed to watch secular content I'm just trying to figure out why you didn't know what stand-up was I mean did you know what stand-up was at 10 yeah really yeah oh wow But my dad's really into stand-up, so I was going to say, I feel like that is sort of, like, I don't think I knew what stand-up was. Yeah, did you know what stand-up was?

I must have. I don't, oh, you know what, actually stands out? I knew, yeah, Chris Rock. Oh, okay. Because that, you know, his, that wasn't that like a 99 special, just a big one? I think, I must have, I think I must have known. Yeah, we, I would not have been allowed to watch Chris Rock. I think even when I started listening to stand-up in the car with my parents in high school later on, it was just like,

Jim Gaffigan You know It was like very clean What? Yeah Every now and then I can do a good Jim Gaffigan That was not it No no no no it was no

We'll cut it out We'll cut it out That was disrespectful Yeah I I There was a lot we couldn't watch Like anything that even sort of reference the devil

Or witchcraft Like that was not cool Like I read What really references the devil though Hocus Cappas There was The the villain in Powerpuff girls

that sort of looks like the devil. Looks like the devil and so they were like, no. Anything like that. We're very Christian growing up. So I read like the first five Harry Potter books sort of under the radar because my dad was getting remarried after my mom died and I think he just like was sort of in the love bubble.

And then he took me to see the third movie and was like, no. that's that's the like those are demons and you're like I mean come on man so it was yeah it was very sheltered yeah one person you didn't mention that you know all these kind of groups of people that maybe thought you're funny how about with your dad because you do you talk a lot about your dad and your stand-up and and it does seem like one that he gave you a lot of bad advice at least as you do you know which is fair

like dads can have bad advice especially to their daughters I think right but did was there you know

I think you hear I can at least remember from like male comics saying like I just sometimes I'll say like I just want to make my dad laugh

like if I can make my dad laugh you know I mean what what was going on there yeah I do think I wanted to make my dad laugh I really wanted my dad's approval growing up

and that's how I started doing stand-up was I took a class with my dad from a church comedian in high school. Like, that's how I started, which later on... What's a church comedian like? Yeah. It's just a priest? No, I know.

You'd think, right? I mean, every youth pastor thinks they're a comedian. That's the thing. Every youth pastor comes out finger guns ablazing. Yeah. And you're like, hell yeah, Pastor Ryan's giving the sermon this week. It'll be a good one. He's going to show Lord of the Rings clips and draw parallels.

But not Harry Potter. But not Harry Potter. Why? Is there a real clear? Is there a difference there? Because the author was Christian. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis are Christians. And so it was, you know, they're like, well, those are, you know.

Those are, like, truly, like, they're like, those are parallels. Like, Narnia was supposed to be heaven. Yeah. So, I don't know. And then Harry Potter is like, they're like, she's a single mom. Divorce, never. But I don't know. I have no idea.

But I also, I have religious family. members who love Harry Potter so yeah it's not everyone but yeah I think a lot of people just wanted to make their parents laugh uh growing up and whether or not they could do that is you know but yeah we took that class when I was 16 and then later on my dad was like I thought you'd write for me I didn't think you were gonna do this I was like all right um but yeah I'm sure that's that's a part of it for sure your mom passed away when you were quite young can you tell us a little bit about that how did it affect the way other kids treated you how did you process it sort of at that time that's an interesting question well she died over the summer and i came back to fourth grade and i remember standing the first day of fourth grade i remember standing and doing the pledge of allegiance and looking around it all my classmates going i wonder if anybody knows Like I wonder if anybody knows I don't even think my teacher knew

Wow Like I don't think my dad or stepmom thought to call them Which I don't know maybe you should I don't I'm not sure So I think my friends knew But I don't know if anybody else did So and I think that probably would have been really hard During the school year To come back because I think she died like a week or two

Before the school year started Wow that is that's a shift though I mean to go back the back to school thing yeah that's a lot yeah you're like I have homework my mom's dead are you sure because last day's like trying to use it like is anyone else sweetie your mom died I know and the dog ate your homework I'm sure yeah yeah Taylor I you tell jokes about it do you ever get emotional when you like do you ever have to suppress emotion and the reason I'm asking is we my mom passed away

not when I was a kid but it was like really sudden and there's a concept that we we pitch that sort of is about death and I tell a story about her and I cry every time. It's like the 17th time that I've pitched it and I was like there's no way just just to the industry. We haven't pitched it 17 times. We haven't done that

quite all right. We have pitched in a number of times. We're going to mail the dead mom thing. We're going to nail it. It's hard to nail. I just like I get really and I truly every time I'm like I don't even feel emotion. I'm like this is right and then I'm like three sentences and I'm like and I have to take over and talk about her dead mom

and the actor has to step in again we're all heroes I was re-watching your special I'd seen it when it came out but to prepare and I was just struck by like how you got through it and I was just funny like is it ever heard I think some of those jokes I started doing in my early 20s so some of them I had written

when I was like 21 and they did not work very well they were very hit or miss I think because I didn't have the maturity as a performer and I hadn't been too any therapy about it really yeah so i think i just needed those years to get to a place where i really did feel okay about it not that you're ever you're never okay and that's i think part of yeah the process is realizing this is always just going to be a wound there and some years it's going to

feel more painful than others like some years you're going to be having huge milestones that you wish your parent was here for and other years it'll be a little bit easier for whatever reason or something will trigger you or, you know, whatever it is. But I think I was more concerned about making the audience comfortable, more so than I was ever worried. I was never worried I was going to cry or break down. I was more worried that I was going to upset other people in the audience and make them feel like, oh, like feel bad for me.

I didn't want anyone to feel bad for me, which is why I do the whole bit in the special about like, I'm very successful because of this. You pull up a stool. You really pull up a stool and you give a, A whole disclaimer. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Because it really, it helped on the road, like doing that whole bit, which ended up being like six minutes of jokes on the road over and over and doing them in comedy clubs. Like in a theater, it's much easier to pull up the stool and talk to it. But like in a comedy club, like I would have to time it and I would tell clubs sometimes like, hey, like, I don't think the check drop is going to be like 15, 20 minutes in, but maybe just wait until I get through the dead mom stuff. because if people have to listen to me talk about my mom dying

and do math about how much their shitty chicken fingers work I just don't think that's going to be a great gauge of how well the materials are. I was actually trying to figure out what you meant by a check drop. Oh, is when they drop the check. Yeah, and that is a moment. You have to be aware of it. That's very interesting among the things I've thought of.

It's not one. Yeah, I mean, there's no reason you should. In a comedy club setting, like that's what's so hard about coming up as a young headliner is like you just like lose the audience like 40 minutes in there's like five minutes where everybody kind of like goes into their checks and if you don't know how to handle it because you're too young or inexperienced like it can really just like bring the show to a screeching hall you toured with conan in 2018 and he described as being absolutely fearless and i'm wondering um were you always fearless do you think it's like a product of being a young comedian like what was he referring to that he cut on to honestly i have no idea i I didn't get a good read on you. Really? I am full of fear. Conan and I didn't interact much, actually.

No, I'm kidding. He was so cool. Tyler Timlinson. He got so close. He brought me up his Lily Tomlin most nice, but I appreciated the bump in credits. I think he meant on stage, and on stage, I think, I hope I come across that way. In life, I don't feel that way at all. I feel very anxious and afraid and hypervigilant.

But on stage, I think doing stand-up is, you know, sort of the only place I feel totally present. And that's what I love so much about it when I found it in high school is I was like, oh my gosh, this like gets me out of my head, which is a fucking nightmare for however long this set is. And it did give me a place to like sort of be the person I wanted to be. And I think the person I want to be on stage and the person I am in real life have sort of come to meet each other much more so over the years. But I think for a long time, I was the person I wanted to be on stage and then I would get off stage and I would kind of come back down to who I actually was. You mentioned feeling anxious and afraid.

And earlier you mentioned something about social anxiety. And that made me wonder, can you recall a time? It could be in middle school, but it could also be as an adult. Can you recall the time where you felt that? Social anxiety? Yeah. Oh my God, how much time do you? Every day of my whole life right now sitting here.

Yeah, I think I, God, I mean, moving in fifth grade and sixth grade really was very, very hard. And I don't think I, I think I was painfully shy until I had like a job in a restaurant when I was 17, 18. and like when I had to talk to people and it was just sort of like exposure therapy over and over like I really had a hard time talking to strangers um and stand-ups the same way in that you just have to go on stage over and over and over until you're not terrified anymore um but yeah I was terrible at making friends I mean I've had the same friends like two of my closest friends are friends I have been friends since middle school that I met in sixth grade um but yeah I I I have have very vivid memories of like walking into fifth grade not knowing anybody walking into sixth grade not knowing anybody and just feeling like so alone and so terrified um and i still feel that way as an adult sometimes like even just like going to clubs and the like going to the comedy store the comedy seller like i if i'm in a very anxious space it can be like it feels almost like physically painful to socialize sometimes because you're so afraid and it's silly because like nothing that

bad can happen like it where somebody's like I don't care for that person but they're not going to say it to your face not anymore we're not 12 we're not brave anymore yeah but so but at 12 like sixth grade maybe seventh grade you know you're talking about this which of course I think essentially everybody can relate to at that age um not everyone some people were killing it that's that's true I mean, I think we discover The ones who project a lot of confidence Are often having something internally That we're not aware of

So, but anyway, like all that aside I think You know, if that's the way the world looked and felt to you What were some of the like beacons of light That you, whether it's like, I don't know Were there certain books movies? Was it people? Were there role models you had one? You know? Was there like an older person out there?

I spent a lot of time with my grandma growing up And I think that's somebody I always felt close to and felt like I wanted to be more like and I think is like very patient like that's her patience is the biggest thing that I'm always trying to sort of adopt a little bit more because I don't think I'm inherently a very patient person

I'm seeing like Amy Poehler, Tina Faye like those kinds of people who are writing and creating things and like I love their books I don't remember when those came out it feels like it was middle school high school but yeah I think I lived a lot in my head I read a lot

I I think do you guys ever have people who get emotional thinking about being 12 Are you kidding? Is that happened a lot? Are you kidding?

That's the whole point We're going with tears. Yeah, it like feels bad. It's so weird. No, because I've been thinking I kind of thought I was like oh, I'm like, it's perfect timing to do this show

because I feel like I've been trying to get in touch with that again as an adult because I do feel like I like lost this part of me that I had like I was so miserable at that age like I was really depressed and anxious and dealing with this grief that I didn't quite understand and just lonely and and all

these things and I I actually I had um my youngest sister just moved home she was living in North Carolina for the last couple years and I'm really close to my three younger siblings and we just had like a sleepover a few days. It was so fun. It was so fun. It's really sweet. It's so nice. And it's also so nice to have a close relationship with your siblings who were there for your whole childhood.

So you can just go, oh, my God, do you not remember this? Yeah. This traumatizing fact about our childhood? Like, oh my God, did I never tell you this happened? Oh, my God. And you're the oldest one. So you, I don't know what that's like. It's not great.

It's not the best. Because you're the first crash test dummy. And the first crash test dummy usually gets burned to a crisp, right? Yeah. you know um but it's i think there was something really hopeful about me when i was in middle school because i had my whole life ahead of me and i had so much again like hope and delusion about the type of person i would be and all these things i would do and i i really am all those things now like my life is everything i it's it's more than what i thought it could be honestly

like i got to do a bunch of international dates in the last few months like i just got back from Australia and New Zealand last week. And I was like, did you ever think you were going to get paid to go to fucking Australia and New Zealand? Like, do you ever think you'd be in Amsterdam? Like, oh, I'm here for work. Like, it's really crazy to me. And it's, I was talking about this in therapy recently where I'm like, it just makes me sad sometimes because I can't, like, go back and save her. And it feels like I lost part of her instead of like, like, I can't take her with me, which is strange. And I'm trying to feel like I

did, but it feels like I just sort of like escaped and I can't help her escape. Yeah. Makes sense? No, it totally makes sense. It does, yeah. I have like survivors guilt

from my younger self. Yeah. Yeah. Strange. How old were you just for, I don't know, actually, and also for our audience, how old were you when your mom passed away? Oh, I was eight.

I was like just about to turn nine, yeah. Such a tender. Oh, yeah. It was like right before, like, everything happened. You're like a year later, you get your period. You're like, fucking really? Fucking really, God? That kind of sucks.

It's the beginning of the end for me and God. I don't know who's up there, but does not have my best interests at heart. Taylor. Okay. And we'll be right back. All right. so let's just let's just real talk as they say for a second that's a little bit of an aged thing to say now that that dates me doesn't it um but no real talk uh how important is your health to you

know on like a one to ten and i don't mean the in the sense of vanity i mean in the sense of like you want your day to go well right you want to be less stressed you don't want it as sick when you have responsibilities um i know myself i'm a householder i have uh i have two children and two more on the way, a spouse, a pet, you know, a job that sometimes has its demands. So I really want to feel like when I'm not getting the sleep and I'm not getting nutrition, when my eating's down, I want to know that I'm being held down some other way physically.

You know, my family holds me down emotionally, spiritually, but I need something to hold me down physically, right? And so, honestly, I turn to symbiotica, these vitamins and these beautiful little packets that they taste delicious. And I'm telling you, even before I started doing ads for these guys, it was a product that I really, really liked and enjoyed and could see the differences with. The three that I use, I use the, what is it called,

the liposomal vitamin C, and it tastes delicious, like really, really good. Comes out in the packet, you put it right in your mouth. Some people don't do that. I do it. I think it tastes great. I use the liposomal glutathione as well in the morning. really good for gut health and although I don't need it you know anti-aging and then I also use the magnesium L3 and 8 which is really good for for I think mood and stress I sometimes use it in the

morning sometimes use it at night all three of these things taste incredible um honestly you don't even need to mix it with water uh and yeah I just couldn't recommend them highly enough if you want to try them out go to symbiotica.com slash podcrush for 20% off plus free shipping That's symbiotica.com slash podcrushed for 20% off plus free shipping. The first few weeks of school are in the books, and now's the time to keep that momentum going. I-XL helps kids stay confident and ahead of the curve. I-XL is an award-winning online learning platform that helps kids truly understand what they're learning. Whether they're brushing up on math or diving into social studies, it covers math, language arts, science, and social studies from pre-K through 12th grade.

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20 are my darkest absolutely like absolutely and i was living in hollywood and doing that thing building that up and you know um and you feel that too like now as an adult where you're like oh i'm everything i wanted to be uh yeah well yeah i think yeah i mean i started to succeed in a very like frothy way very early on that was it was maybe never going to be it never had the potential to like really artistically satisfy me so therefore gossip girl wasn't artistically we can't talk about it there's a sex strike he's not by name no no no no no I'm kidding she's ever been there to be a sad strike um yeah now I can finally not I'm free bleep it out bleep it out no I don't even really remember the question at this point I don't

want to talk about myself so much but I think the point is is like were you conscious of the fact of like an absence of female role models where you did you feel that, you know, and then the fact that you had to be one for your sisters, I would imagine, is a significant dynamic. Yeah, I think so. I mean, I was talking to my, my sisters and my brother about this this week, where I was like, this is, I'm like, I'm not saying that this was any, any of you put this on me ever, because they don't. But there is a difference between the way they interact with each other and the way I interact with them. And my sister, who's the closest in age to me, What is that difference?

My youngest sister is six years younger than me. Okay, so that's... Four years younger than two. It's every two years. Okay. Yeah. So I have a paternal instinct towards them that I just know that they've recently started to go, yeah, no, we don't understand that. And it was really interesting this week to talk to my sister about it, who was very impressed.

I was coming on this podcast, by the way, so thank you for that. She was like... She was two when it happened. She was like, two and three. And I was like, do you remember, like, me, like, reading to you guys after she died? Like, do you remember, like, when we'd be home alone and we'd have dance parties? Like, do you remember that? My brother's like, I remember that.

And my sister's like, I don't really remember that. And I was so sad because those were the bright spots in my childhood. Like, my siblings were the bright spots in my childhood. Like, my sister, who's closest in age to me, I think, has we talked. we talked about this recently she came to Europe with me and like felt emotionally responsible for all of us and I felt like I was responsible to keep everybody safe you know like just I'm like everybody nobody get hurt like I felt very very nervous that something was going to happen to them and still do all the time like it's just constantly humming underneath everything to the

point where I don't know that if I don't know that I could have kids of my own at this point, just because I'm, like, already on overload in that way. Yeah. The sibling relationship is so precious, especially if you go through a loss like that. Yeah, but it sort of makes it, it makes it really close and special to have that bond when you're going through that. And I do think we all would have been close, even if that hadn't happened to us. Yeah. But to have something like that happen to not like none of us have a relationship with my dad as adults and to have each other to kind of go like over the details of your childhood and have that support and making those difficult decisions as adults like it's I know how rare it is and I know how precious it is and I have a lot of people in my life who are like I can't imagine.

being that close to my siblings like i don't think it's the norm and i'm really really grateful for it yeah i don't know if we'll include this but my cousin has two kids and her daughter she has a 10 year old and a eight seven year old and her daughter who's 10 passed away just a few days ago yeah said it very suddenly and of course like you know for a parent to lose a child seems like the most horrific that a person can go through, especially so young, a 10-year-old. But I just keep thinking about her brother, her 7-year-old brother, because he now, he had a sister. He had, like, the best playmate, and now he doesn't.

And what does that look like to go through? Also, at 7, when I look back on my life and I try to think of memories pre-7, it's like very few. They're foggy. And so what is that, what is that life? look like at that point. Like I think it's really special to have siblings, especially when you have to go through when you experience trauma.

The older I get the worst I feel for my aunt and uncle because I think losing a sibling is truly something you cannot replace in any way. Like it is so, so devastating. Like, I can't imagine losing one of my siblings. Like, it's stressing me out to even talk about it. You know, it's funny. We actually have another concept that we've been pitching about.

the loss of a sibling so maybe we should just pack it up how many how many people have passed on it 17 do you mean died or passed on the it's true I should clarify which kind of wait is this too dark

I don't think so at all no this is we're right in the okay good I'm like pod crush is such a fun name and I'm just like she's like why do I feel so and look at the pink outline I was going to say. That's fucking gossiping like they're the middle.

I know. To use your word frothy. It's a frothy pick. Penh is going to go cry in a moment. Those years are over. We also might not use it. I'm probably going to cry to try to get through this. But the podcast was initially sort of my conception.

So I've been thinking about it for a long time. But I was like, of course, you had to say it. You had some time. I'm breast Taylor. Also her idea to put me in the middle. Well, that's just, you know, it's just, you're the tallest. You're supposed to put the one who's tallest or shortest in the middle. Okay, right.

That's just, right? Did I save it? No, you did. You did. Thank you, Taylor. But, and so, you know, people will say, like, I've been thinking about that time in my life. I guess we'll come on. And I realized the other day, Penn was at my house, that I just haven't really been thinking

about the period of time beyond like surface level stories but he asked me a question i'm gonna cry i don't think i can finish it is it is it about is it in the wake of your mom or was it something no it's like something that came up recently and you asked me a question like where does this trauma stem from and i was like fucking pod crush like the middle school years and i was like oh i like really haven't gone there like even though we have this show that's yeah so i appreciate what you were saying sorry we're actually just the last episode we're ever recording we're Realizing this is terrible. You know what?

The strike is probably a good time to... You guys, still a little bit jet lag. I'm flying out tonight. Can I go back to Australia? Oh my God. I'm jet lag. Penn's pre-red eye. This is not acceptable.

I feel like that's great. I don't remember this from the Kelly Clarkson episode. Collie Clarkson episode was pretty fun. She was on a press tour. She had the walls up. She was just full speed ahead. He's like, yeah, yo, I see that question? I'm just going this way, okay?

So actually, she was really doing great. She's like, and that's what divorce is like, anyway. I'm going to go sing in a coffee shop, okay? Flash them up. Flash y'all later. Oh, my God. Yeah, I'm really, oh, God. This is a hard thing.

too about being a comedian is like this is how stand-ups talk to each other like we just kind of go in and out of like the most traumatic thing ever and then like isn't this fun I'm having a great time but I keep remembering it's being recorded we are very good about that and I just want you to know

I'm just throwing out there I've been processing some early life events recently where I'm to the point where somebody asks me how I am I'm just like you know because it's like either I just keep the normal lie up, which is like, you know, it's just the most appropriate thing to do. But then there's a frustration and alienation when it's like, I wish I could be honest about how much pain I'm in.

Yeah, that's why every time someone asks me, how are you doing? I lean in and I go, do you really want to know? Uh-huh, yeah. Do you really want to know? Refer to my three specials. That's his least favorite questions. Really? He was just letting me the day.

He hates it and people ask him, how are you? Because nobody wants to know the real answer. It's like, how much time do you have? Yeah. Yeah. It really is. Yeah. So now let's just move to like, again, the title, the pink outline.

Frothie. Tell us about, you know, like either a really embarrassing story or when I ask it, it doesn't sound like a great idea, does it? Usually not the asks. We ask every guest to share an embarrassing story from that time. Or like something awkward but funny. Just like when you think of the emoji, it's like, whiz. Oh, yeah.

Like that. When I was in seventh grade, I was in sixth or seven. I think I was in sixth grade. I was in band. I had to brag. I know. Sorry. What instrument?

I played clarinet. For five or six years. And then I played trumpet for two. Wow. Yeah, I was so bad. Really? For that long? I have no.

Well, my dad forced us to play instruments for a while because he taught choir. And he was like, you guys need to know how to read music. And that's what did it. And that's what did it. And all my friends were in band by the time I went to high school. So I was like, I guess I'll just keep doing band. Um, but I, every year in middle school, the band would go to Disneyland and like play. There was some sort of thing that they did with middle schools where middle school bands would come and play during the day.

And then you'd just be at Disneyland the rest of the day. And I remember we were waiting in line. Me and my friends were waiting in line at some, some place to get like burgers or something. And I don't know why I did this. I like, to this day, I'm like, what was going through your head? there was a packet of mustard on the ground and I decided to be funny I guess I decided to like run up and jump on it and it I think I thought it would spray the direction people were not and it sprayed the direction people were and I got mustard on a bunch of strangers and and it was a long line and I had to just sort of go and retreat and sit at a table behind a bush and I remember feeling so terrible because it's also like you did something to people yeah that they now have to do with the consequences of all day I just remember why did you even do that and then my friends called me

mustard for the rest of uh they called you mustard you know it's funny I'm on the opposite side of that the same thing happened but what so I was wearing a fleece vest I remember it so well I haven't thought of this since the time but it was mayonnaise really so you jumped on a packet no someone else did and I was standing in line at lunch and at this point I was a short chubby kid because I was also younger than the rest of them and I was wearing like a vest that fit very awkwardly I just remember because like

and I was kind of sensitive I don't remember everything that I remember being like this is the vest and I'm smelling that because fleece think of the material fleece and think of mayonnaise and put them together and let them sit for a couple of hours

you know like it was it was really it was it was so subtly humiliating you know because it was like that happened and then I remember the kid just being like and then just like probably going

and sitting behind a fucking bush was a kid embarrassed they should have been I don't know I don't remember that all I can remember is my embarrassment that's just when the narcissism went I don't know why I'm like but did you feel bad you're an attacker

because that's sort of who I was in the story Yeah, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like, oh, that was actually, I'm probably not the one I should be concerned about. Right, no, no, no. No, it was cute that you felt embarrassed. It means you really cared. Oh, I felt so bad. Yeah.

Don't jump on a condiment packet unless you have no conscience for any kids listening. We have another classic question we ask everyone. Okay. Just to share about their first crush or love and their first heartbreak. Oh, does it have to be from that time? No, it can be whenever your first was. Remember my first crush was? I had a crush on a kid.

And I don't know why I remember his name. I had a crush on a kid named Bruce in kindergarten. It's like a strong name for a five-year-olds. It is, right? It's an intense name for a five-year-olds. And he had a bowl cut and I loved him so much. And I don't know why. I guess because I had a crush on him for two years.

I would pick somebody and I would just have a crush on that one person for like years. Like I had a crush on Bruce for kindergarten and first grade. Then I had a crush on Curtis for like two through four. And then I had a crush on Ryan. Like, it's all just in, like, year increments. And, yeah, I don't know why that is. Did you ever start talking to them? The kid I had a crush on in 6th and 7th grade, I, like, finally dated in 8th grade.

And to this day, that accomplishment feels better than any achievement that I've ever achieved. For, like, two years. And I only liked him because he was really tall. And I was this high. I looked, I was this high, I just was an early bloomer. I was this height and size in fifth grade. I looked older than everybody else. And I remember I got to sixth grade and I was like, that guy's tall.

That's who I like, like, didn't know anything about him. And then in sixth grade we like, again, I'm doing air quotes for anybody listening and doesn't think I'm self where we like dated for eighth grade. And I was like, I did it. You know, when you like believe in manifesting, you're like, I can do anything with my mind. It's all here for me. I am the main character. And, yeah, and then had, like, no romantic prospects in high school at all. Like, nothing happened again until college.

And was college your first heartbreak? Yeah, I think so. I think my college boyfriend, like, I think about that girl a lot where I'm like, that, that, like, took something from me, I think. Like, do you feel that way about your first heartbreak? We're like, I am forever changed. I don't know who I would have been if that hadn't happened to me. but I some part of me like there's some part of me

that just in the same way when you have kids I'm sure like a part of you lights up like a level of love that you didn't have before after the first heartbreak there is just a room in your brain and her heart that I feel like they go shut it down like we're never gonna open it again

like it just I'm like I'll never love someone that vulnerably ever again possibly so then you know you're 19 And so you're just like, oh, my God. Yeah. This is the worst thing that will ever happen. And it might be.

Probably, because then it's behind you. Right, yeah. And then you have a minute and you're like, your mom's dead. You're like, oh, that's right. That's right. Yeah. It's been worse? Yeah, maybe it's fine if Jake doesn't like you anymore.

Yeah. You've survived worse things. I like that you, I think you may have named them all. I changed the last one's name. Okay. That's how bad the heartbreak was. I was like, you get no air time, sir. His parents are.

just came to a show of mine. They still come to shows. What was that like? I didn't see them because I didn't have time, but his mom still. You also wanted to punish him through them? Yes, exactly. I just, I didn't even do well that night. You're going to have a bad evening out. No, they're, they've

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Find it wherever you get your podcast and start listening today. What was your first show like? Do you remember? Oh, my first show. It was like a class graduation show in like a classroom at a church. So, you know. So it was great. It was very supportive. Like what kind of jokes do you make at a church graduation?

I mean, I actually don't think I made any Bible jokes. The only real Bible joke I ever did, I actually did on my first Conan, I think, which was about like abstinence. And how I was afraid every time I missed my period, I was carrying the Messiah. I was talking to someone recently who had that fear Like yeah They legitimately had that fear Like no like they were talking about when they were a kid They had this fear that they were going to be carrying like child

Yeah Which is crazy to think that you'd get picked for that I'm saying Well somebody has to I mean someone has to do it right Someone has to fall on that sword Hey-oh So you started to

in church and then you got kicked out of the church because of a tweet that you yeah is that accurate uh-huh yeah i tweeted a joke that also ended up on my first conan so suck it lord i that's the name of my next special suck it lord um i was 21 maybe 21 22 and i was still doing churches every once in a while because i had gone on last comic standing when i was 21 and I got some church gigs and they were a lot of money and you're like okay I got to do these to survive and uh I I was opening for a really big church comedian and I remember the tweet was a joke I do on Conan which was like I'm I'm a wild animal in bed way more afraid of you than you are of me and that's a great joke it's a great joke I actually love that thank you it's

great joke it's innuendo at best yeah and I remember they called me and we're like hey like we think you're great but we you know are a lot of our fans are homeschooled christians so you can't come on any of these dates anymore and i was like all right like i actually i actually don't think i was like all right i think i cried because i've never been fired from anything yeah and as like a good kid i felt really bad about it i felt like i had done something wrong and then i just got angry and i was like i never fucking want to feel this way again and i had already been feeling sort of bad because I didn't think I was religious anymore and I was still holding on to the hope that maybe I was and I would come up because I was like and I had since my mom died I had

just never really felt like I don't know if Christianity's like it for me like this I don't feel the way everyone else feels about this and I was holding on to it because I didn't want my whole family to like reject me if I was this dirty comedian or something and they have not only certain people and um but for the most part my family is not they're very supportive um and i was i told my manager i was like don't even bring me church offers and like i think they brought me a couple and i was like i mean it like i don't care what the money is like do not bring these to me because they want they want a certain type of person they want like a squeaky clean church person and i'm not that person and it's actually dishonest for me to go perform at these places and yeah and leave

them to believe that I am because that's not what they want. They want like a 50-year-old dad who goes to church every week and has kids and only talks about. And who's definitely squeaky clean. Yeah, and he's definitely squeaky clean 100% of the time. And I want to talk about other stuff. Like I want to talk about darker things. I want to talk about losing my mom. I want to talk about, you know, sexual experience. Like I want to talk about all this stuff. And I'm so glad I did that, even though I did like eight cruise ships in the next year to make up for it financially. But, yeah, I really, I'm so glad I did not stay in that world at all. Yeah.

Do you feel like when you're on stage doing stand-up that you kind of become, that you can keep it together? Or has there ever been something that's happened that's been embarrassing, like for you on stage? No, never. Not one time. Can you tell us? Pretty much been killing it from day one. Next question. Well, I feel like sometimes I would imagine that when you're on stage, you kind of,

of like maybe dissociate a little bit and you're not, but no, you felt embarrassed before. Yeah, oh, 100%. I feel like it's, it's like insane to do it. Yeah, it's like an insane. I gotta say, it's like, it's insane to do it. It's even insane to go see it when you don't know if it's going to be good. Oh, yeah. It's a, I, I have the utmost admiration and respect for y'all who make it, for who do it

and then make it because I just find both sides of it. I'm like, unless I know I'm going to get that particular thing that I love, of like, who, everybody's in for a journey together. Yeah, yeah, it's a lot. And I've, I go through even sort of like seasons of it on the road now where I'll get very freaked out on stage. It happened in the last six months where I had a couple weeks where I was just waiting to go on stage.

Like, there's 3,500 people just sitting in seats looking at you. And if you fuck up, it's entirely. on you. Yeah. That they wasted money, wasted time. Yeah, I'm like, what are you doing? Like, there's, there was like a part of me that started screaming that was like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, run. Like, what are you doing? And you just have to push through it and go like, no, I know how to do this. It's fine. I know how to do this. Because you do. Um, I know the first show I did in Australia. I messed up a joke. Because, you know, if you say the wrong word at the wrong time, like that blows the punchline. It's so tenuous. Yeah. And I was just so,

jet lagged and sort of like it's you know it's like a 17 hour time difference yeah and I messed up a joke really early on and I just sort of crumpled and was like you guys I'm so tired I'm sorry I just I know I looked at like find my friends on my phone and everyone I care about so far away and I just like I had a little bit of a moment but you know I afterward I got offstage and I was like that was rough and everyone's like no no it was funny the way you crumpled Yeah, yeah. But yeah, there's always, I actually, I was doing shows in San Diego the last few nights. There's this club there called Mike Drop that is great. And they have two rooms. And one of the rooms is like 40 to 50 people. It's like a really small room. And I asked them if I could do some like workout shows where I just work on new material. And so I did that the last three nights. And Tuesday and Thursday were awesome. Everybody was great. Everybody kind of knew what it was. you know they didn't laugh at everything because a lot of it wasn't good but they were really supportive

and like there for the process like where they were like we want to see work on something this is cool and the middle crowd the crowd on wednesday was so weird like and i just felt like i was bombing for an hour it felt like middle school it felt like people talking about you in front of you like there was a girl in the front who i'd go like i'm sorry guys i told you guys this wasn't be very good. I appreciate you guys being here and there was a girl and I was like you got it. I was like ew! She was like

25 I'm like you're stuck. What have you been? Have you had a special? Yeah exactly. I'm like last I checked you were had no credits but I got lucky to be here. Yeah I got off stage and I went in the green room and I was like I guess I suck it that like that was really

rough and the manager was like no they were like rude to the staff before the like they were like that was a rude crowd like they were like there was some like weird like single ticket like kind of like creepy guys like they were like that was the vibes in there were off like it wasn't just you like and I was like okay well then that makes me feel a lot better because I just I also like I did some crowd work and people were saying some wild things where I was talking to a couple about them being in a fight and they were like well she called me a slur and I was like oh my god okay we're just gonna move on i cannot deal with them not gonna make a joke about

that oh it was so weird some girl admitted to like hitting her boyfriend and i was like you guys are i don't know what's happening in here but you shouldn't be sharing these things like you should be i don't know like talking to the authorities like it is this or in therapy at the very least like it was just a weird and but in the moment i couldn't tell if it was my fault or that it was genuinely like a weird crowd because I never want to be the comedian who's like they socked like you know like

their fault their fault and it was also like I'm I was challenging myself not to do material that I know works I was like and in the middle I was panicking and I was like just do your hour just do the hour of material you know works that you're doing on the road that you're doing in theaters and I was like don't waste

your time I'm like don't let your ego win here and go I need to crush right now like Yeah. Just work on the new stuff and use this time to be productive, even if it feels bad and you're crashing and burning. Guys, I feel like I'm hogging it, but I want to ask one more question and then obviously you should ask. We'll cut it. You've talked about, you've talked pretty openly about your bipolar diagnosis, and I'm wondering how did it feel when you got the diagnosis and does it change?

Like, do you think back on if you had had it earlier, would it have changed your life? Oh, yeah. I wish I'd gotten it earlier. Oh, my God. I think that would have changed so many things for better or worse. When I first, when we first figured it out, it... Is it really like it is in your... It really is.

Yeah. Like you figured it out. Kind of. Like in the room. What, it kind of. What happened was... If it looks like a duck. It looks like a duck.

Well, what happened was I had had, what I now know was like a hypomanic episode. and I was talking to my therapist the week after all this stuff had happened. And she goes, it sounds like you had like a little bit of hypomania going on. And I was like, what was that? You can't just say a new word and not explain that. She goes, oh, I don't want you to freak out. Like, it's only, yeah, she's like, it's, you know, it's fine. She's like, it's only an issue if it lasts, like, more than four days.

And I was like, oh, that was like a week and a half of that. Like, that was like a couple weeks. and she was like oh then we should probably talk to your psychiatrist and I remember I talked to my psychiatrist and I had a really hard time and she was like she goes well you're she goes you're very like high functioning she's like you haven't she goes I only see you every few months and I didn't realize because you're but I was on the medications they use for bipolar but they also use it for a bunch of different things like everything they use for

like five different things so you're like like yeah it could be anxiety and depression where it could be popular like who really knows and as I went back through my 20s I was able to see these periods of what just felt like rocket fuel that I was like on top of the world like that which is what hypomania is it's like this very intense like it's very hard on your body you don't really sleep and you feel like you're destined for greatness and you feel like you're incredible and you feel very attractive and you feel like everything's like a sign and it's just like this amazing thing but then you crash and have a depressive episode afterward and I had just been doing this exhausting cycle for years and I had only been when we figured out that it was bipolar I had only been on medication for about a year and it had made a big it had made a big difference but I needed like double the dose we figured out and that's made a huge difference but I was actually when I first found out I was really ashamed and then I was really really ashamed that I was ashamed. Like, I was really embarrassed that I was embarrassed. I was like,

wow, you think you're this open-minded person who, like, I have friends that are bipolar. Like, I know, you know, look up to people who are bipolar. And I thought, like, something like that wouldn't affect me. And the thing I say in the special, I totally took from my psychiatrist, which is something she said to me, which was just like, she's like, it's just information. She's like, this is a good thing. It's just information that helps us figure out how to better take care of you. And that's why I wanted to start talking about it on stage because it was the most significant thing that was happening in my life. And I was like, I want other people to feel okay about this.

And I did the thing where I looked up like, who has it, you know? And that did make me feel better when I saw successful people who had dealt with it or were dealing with it. And I had a friend who had told me that they were bipolar like the year before. and I was like oh my gosh I can't believe that like you're the most level-headed person I know like I've never seen any sort of fluctuation in your mood and that really helped too just knowing that and I was so nervous to talk about it in a special like I felt great about that material and we recorded it and then about two weeks before that special came out I was like what did you do so I'm like you can't undo that like everybody knows that about you now like what were you thinking it's too late and then it came out and i got so much positive feedback from people who were like this made me feel better this may feel less alone that i was like oh thank god and it it's just been a non-issue because i know how to take care of myself now like i know what medication i need i know what signs to look out for like i am so much better as a person

because of it and i i do wish i had found out sooner because you know 25 like the six months before I filmed my first special were like the worst of my life. Like they were, that summer before I filmed it was horrendous. Like, it's what me, it's what got me into see a psychiatrist because I was just like hitting the lowest low while my career was at the highest high. But yeah, I do, I do wish that I had found out sooner just to have spared myself some, some pain and maybe could have been not so hard on myself. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. That's incredible. I guess what I'm hearing is is it sounds like a challenge to be doing what you're doing because it threatens to like magnify and exacerbate

and I just wonder if you've had like touch points people support people like around you in specifically you kind of know what it's like to go through it oh yeah I think a lot of comics deal with mental health issues

like I think most comics do I think most everyone deals with like depression and anxiety and various things. I just did Laura Bites as a comic. She has a new podcast. And we were talking about being bipolar. I think she's bipolar one and I'm bipolar too. And the differences of that even.

And I remember there was once, maybe I was like 23, 24, I was supposed to go to like Florida the next day and do a club or a college or something. And I went to do the improv. And I just like couldn't stop crying, couldn't get out of my car. and just had to like cancel and go home and then like say I was sick and couldn't go to do this show the next day and couldn't get on a plane like you so much of this business

no matter what area of it you're in is figuring out how to not go so hard that you burn yourself out where you can't do anything and you just have to cancel stuff and it's hard because there are times in your career that you do have to push it and you do have to be on and just like grind as it were and then there are times that you can be quieter

and give yourself that space to rest but yeah I don't know I think it's I do think it's something that a lot of comics deal with and struggle with and navigate and you know there's an argument to be made that performing just isn't very healthy

it's like not very healthy to have this much attention on you to be on camera as much to look at yourself this much. Like, I have friends who, like, got off of social media. They're like, I deleted my Instagram because they're a lawyer and they can. And I'm like, that's incredible. And they're like, yeah, I never think about posting. Like, I don't, they don't take pictures when we're together. And I'm like, but where's the content? Like, it's just this constant thing. Like, yeah, especially stand up now, you have to get clips. Like, it's just like constant self-promotion

and self-focused. And it's, I don't know that it's the best. healthiest thing especially for that's not yeah especially for individuals with mental health issues yeah

yeah cool yeah anyway Taylor pod crushed do you feel I do feel crushed

I do feel crushed by this pod or maybe in it yeah that's what you should tell that's how you should start this show prepare to be

pod crush that should be like the intro it really should welcome to hell I detect a waiver in your voice could you just deeper there. No, we're not going to move on.

You haven't cried yet, Taylor. Let's talk about your dead mom. Where's your childhood wound? Taylor, we have a final question. We ask every guest. If you could go back to 12-year-old Taylor, spend a little time with her. What would you do?

What would you say? Honestly, and I thought about this, because again, I listened to the Kelly Clarkson episode. It's just one. Which was not a good example. Don't overstate. I know. I know.

This was intense. I was not prepared for this. I'm going to go. home and lie down if I could go back to 12 year old mate I honestly I'm not gonna cry

fuck you I think I think I'd like just hug her yeah I love that I'm like that's such a sad no

I'm like that's really what I think I'd do like yeah I think I'd just be like I'm I fucking can't believe you I'm not gonna cry I really think

I would just say like it's going to be fine like i'm sure this is what everybody says but i'd say you're not going to think about middle school or high school when you're an adult it doesn't matter it's okay just like watch movies and read books and be creative and write and don't think about who's saying what about you like just you know just you're going to get out of here like everything that's happening to you right now. It's going to get so much better. And like, I'm so sorry I wish I could stay, but I'm a time

traveler. Are you saying that to us? No, I would say that's a young man. I would say I don't belong here in this timeline. And this is when you get sucked up like trying more into the sky. When that guy from Gossip Girl invites you on his podcast, say no. You're going to get an invitation from pod crushed. It sounds fun. Turn it down.

Yeah, it sounds silly. It sounds like you're going to talk about crushes, and you do for about three minutes. You know how you never want to relive what you're currently living? I know how to make that happen. Ignore them. You can keep up with Taylor Tomlinson

online at Taylor Tomlinson, and you can buy tickets to her Have It All stand-up tour at WWW. Are we really using WWWs? HCTP, colon, backside, if you plug the modem in, no, it's Just above, it's on your wall, right? Now, Taylor Tomlinson.com slash shows.

She's going to be at Radio City Music Hall, September 9th and 10th. This is a dumb question. We can swear and stuff, right? Yeah. Okay. Somehow everybody asks us, We're too peritanical. I think it's being here.

Yeah, like a professional. It seems like you're on radio. Studio, yes. That's what it is. Yeah, radio is dead. Don't tell them. Stitcher.