Podcrushed - Sasheer Zamata & Nicole Byer

Episode Date: October 26, 2022

We've got two guests! Today's episode is with Sasheer Zamata and Nicole Byer, two brilliant comedic minds (and fellow podcasters) who just so happen to be best friends. The gang talks poker faces, ghost stories, and worst on-stage bombs. Follow us on socials! TiktokInstagramTwitterSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Lemonada It's one of my favorite things about you. Like, you, I think you think you have a poker face and you don't. Yeah, even the littlest bit that I know you, I definitely agree. It's so funny. No one can tell what I'm thinking. What's your face right now. This is Pod Crushed.

podcast that takes the sting out of rejection, one crushing middle school story at a time. And where guests share their teenage memories, both meaningful and mortifying. And we're your hosts. I'm Nava, a former middle school director. I'm Sophie, a former fifth grade teacher. And I'm Penn, a middle school dropout. So, Penn, you were a little bit late today and Nava stuck up for you. Calling me out of my own podcast. It's our podcast. This is why you weren't on the best friends episode. Damn it. So Nava was sticking up for you

and she was explaining that you're taking the subway and there were train delays and Nicole who were interviewing today said wow, how humble of Penn and we were all wondering how people react to you on the subway. Do people notice you? They do. I mean, I wear a mask. Like a Spider-Man mask?

Yeah, it's a suit and a mask and there's a cape. They're steering but for other reasons. Yeah, I notice when anyone notices me because literally you can't do anything without feeling as though somebody's looking at you and usually it's true. Do you think you're getting recognized more because of the podcast? She couldn't even finish.

She couldn't even finish. I walk into a place and I'm like, I wonder if anyone knows who I am. The second you speak, the room stops. And I try to impress people by telling them I'm on a podcast. I'm on a pod. Let me, do you have Spotify? Okay.

Guys, today's episode is a first because we have two guests joining us. Ooh. How do we have the bandwidth? I don't know. But we made an allowance because we really love these two people. Sashir Zameda, the comedian, actress, and writer.

You might know her from shows like ABC's Home Economics, Hulu's Woke, Comedy Central's Robbie, or her three years as a cast member on SNL. And we have Nicole Beyer, reported best friend of Sashir Nicole is a comedian, actress, and TV host among many other things you might recognize her from her show Nailed It, which I personally love.

Earned her two prom-time Emmy nominations. She's got a Netflix comedy special Nicole Byer, BBW, Big Beautiful Weirdo. Together, Sashir and Nicole have a podcast called Best Friends and actually Nava and I, as real-life best friends were on earlier this year, And we didn't leave anybody out. I am still salty.

What? Sorry, I didn't hear that. I'm in the middle of an intro here. So on that show, they invite two best friends. Sometimes it could be three or four, but generally they're just like, you know, bring whoever you think. You actually wrote directly as I'm like, can you actually just make it clear that you asked for two? So they bring two people on to test their knowledge of each other, their friendship, and they dive deep into why they get along. We did a little bit of that for them.

You're going to love today's episode. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. Does anyone else ever get that nagging feeling that their dog might be bored? And do you also feel like super guilty about it? Well, one way that I combat that feeling is I'm making meal time everything it can be for my little boy, Louis. Nom Nom does this with food that actually engaged. your pup senses with a mix of tantalizing smells, textures, and ingredients.

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come be a part of the conversation Season 2 drops July 29 Listen to Legacy Talk wherever you get your podcast Or watch us on YouTube First I want to thank you for introducing people to my show I didn't know when Nav and I As best friends we purposely excluded Sophie I know

I get a little salty about that When we were on your show I was not aware that you had some proper you slash Joe Goldberg I don't know what you want to call it fandom fandom we found the show

and then watched the first season at my house and then watched the whole second season in Italy could have been doing anything seeing the Coliseum but we said better get in bed and watch you

I'm questioning your decision making but you know that's fine I guess it's good for me but about You, not my show. You're both comedians and actors. You've both got comedy specials, sitcoms, movies, at least four podcasts between both of you. I think Nicole, you do have... Nicole's like 16. I have one. With her. Okay, right. But I mean, Nicole's got her Emmy Noms and Sashir. You've got your time on SNL. So I feel like you've both got incredible careers going independent of one another. But together, you have this interesting, thing too. It strikes a chord in pop culture and people seem to really like

it. I know I'm incredibly charmed by it. So we want to hear about how you met and became friends. I'm pretty sure the absolute first time was that under St. Marks, we had the same improv teacher who was tasked with getting a group

of women together to perform who are at all different skill levels as just like a mash-up team and I had her for 101 and you had her also for Improv 101? Yes. Sylvia Ozzles.

And I remember Sashir was wearing a bright, vibrant teal, I think it was short-sleeved turtleneck and like golden rod pants. She had this beautiful fluffy fro and then this

wide smile. And I was like, surely she's not funny. How unfortunate. She's so pretty though. Got blessed. Like we're including the pretty people.

But then I guess it's a charity show of some sort. You know, we're just letting these beautiful people for cosplay funny. And YouTube is so good. It's so nice of them. But the show started and I think you were in the window of a scene. I think you like popped in. You did a walk on like as like a nosy neighbor.

I think this is what it is. And you said something so funny that like on the back line I laughed so hard. And I went, that's not fair. She's too pretty. She's too funny. I hate this. I must make her a friend. And then we like ran into each other again at McManus, which is a bar on 17th and 7th.

And we started talking. And then I don't remember life. And then I just blacked out. Yeah, we're here on this podcast. So, Shear, what was your impression of Nicole? Oh, that she's just so funny. and that she fills the room with life. She just has so much energy.

And, like, you cannot take your eyes off of her when she's performing. Like, you just, like, everything's just drawn to her. And I remember thinking, like, oh, my gosh, she's so cool. I don't think I could talk to her. And I don't remember us talking that first time. I remember us performing together, but I don't remember us hanging. And then we did see each other at St. Marks, and we kind of bonded on some, like, you know,

there's not many black people at this theater. Let's know each other. And then I was in a two-prov group with another person who sometimes didn't show up to shows. And that's hard because she's the only other person. She's a little tricky. And one time Nicole's Improv Group was hosting a show. I was supposed to perform with this other person. She didn't show up.

Nicole was like, well, I can perform with you. We've done it before. And it was just the two of us. And it was magic. It felt so good and natural. and it felt like a first date where we're like, can we do this again? And so we booked more shows together

and then just kept performing for years and doing really well and started writing together and started doing sketches and a web series together and then it just like blew into other areas of our life and she's also my best friend. Also, Sashir, did you know

that one of those videos of our early improvising together exists still? I'm sure. I used to run the website I did upload our videos I purposely I forgot you did that I like came across one recently

it's at the Parkside Lounge and we'd look like babies I'll have to send it to you yeah please so how long ago was this we met in 2009 I think we've been in 2008 no it's not impossible I didn't move to New York

until January 2008 I just don't think you know when you moved because it was definitely 2008 I know when I moved I think you're confused I mean, I feel like I've known you for all my lives. I do feel like I have known you in some capacity my whole entire life. I feel at home with you in the same way that like I feel at home with like my favorite stuffed animal.

Yeah, like you bring me calmness. Like we don't have to be talking when we're hanging out and I feel nice. Yeah, the best kind of friendship. Yeah, that's my favorite kind. No talking. No talking, just sending memes back and forth And then an occasional, like, that was funny, right? For Penn, not even that.

We want to learn about each of you a little bit. So these questions are for both of you, but obviously, answer on your own. I don't know how it's not like you would do it synchronized anyway. I'm going to answer for Nicole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll answer for you. I wonder if I'll know some of the questions or some of the answers. Feel free to chime in, though, if you have a, like,

a thought to add for the other person. But just like the most basic question, take us back to middle school. What was each of you like in middle school? What were you about? What were you passionate about? I was a little go-getter. I did every activity possible.

I played tennis. I did basketball poorly. I played volleyball. I think I was in like the student council. I just loved being at school. And then after school, I would hang out at the library. And I was really sarcastic, but only my friends really knew that. Like, I would whisper jokes to my friends, but, like, outwardly, no one.

I was just very shy to everybody else. Like, people who knew me then, who know I'm a comedian now are like, really? I didn't hear you speak. No, you could do jokes. Yeah, so I was very like to myself, but to my friends, more outgoing, I guess. Where did you grow up? Kind of all over. I was a military brat.

My dad was in the Air Force, so we bounced around a ton. But I was in middle school or I was in Indianapolis, Indiana for middle school and high school. Same question, Nicole. In middle school, I was very boy crazy. I loved boys. one in particular, Mark D. Angelilio, and then this other really tall kid whose name escapes me. And I just, like, loved them. And I was, like, funny. And people laughed at me. Not, like, at me. They weren't like, this fucking idiot. Like, they laughed with me. And then I had a bunch of, like,

girlfriends, and we had a group called C.K. Lent, because in middle school, you would make an acronym out of the first letter of your name. And yeah, I just was like a boy crazy girl who would just like hang out and smoke cigarettes and try to be cool. You smoke cigarettes in middle school? Hell yeah, dude. I was trying so hard to be cool. Yeah, I feel that. Well, I started on marble lights. We would steal them from Kristen's mom who would put rubber bands on her cabinet. and I was like, ma'am, this is not keeping us out. I've used a rubber band before. Know how they work.

But yeah, I tried to be cool. I think I was like in the middle somewhere because I grew up in a town of a lot of white people. So sometimes I felt like I was inherently cool because rap was like cool then. They're like, you know rap, right, Nicole? Sure. But yeah, I would get my nails done to match my track suit.

I was doing a lot I remember the first time I first and last time I ever smoked a cigarette I was 12 I was at my friend Carla's house and I peer pressured her I was like we should try cigarettes

and we were in like a she lived in a like a subdivision so we went and knocked on all the apartment doors where she knew there were like older teens like asking do you have a cigarette do you have a cigarette and so finally like this one kid had cigarettes so we had a cigarette

and I took a puff and I like couldn't stop coughing and I never did it again that was my one and only time about smoking. Well, the thing about smoking that's insane is you have to learn how to do it. I just gave up right away. Yeah, you like cough until you, like, take little sips until you could take full deep breaths. It's insane.

And I spent a long time learning how to do. It's done. Later, we'll have a tutorial for all the kids listening. Yeah. For certain kids, I feel like there's nothing they will apply themselves to with as much discipline as learning to smoke. Yeah, that was me. If I had applied myself to anything else, I could be,

You'd be successful. Wait, Sashir, have you ever smoked a cigarette? I couldn't imagine a cigarette near your teeth. I think I attempted once in college, and I was like, and I just never,

there you go. And the funny thing about that is, I think people would think you're being like an extremist by being like, I 100% believe you spit and went to ttin. Yeah, I'm sure I made a bunch of like scrunched up face is like, ew, and who I was like, okay, fine, and like, walked away.

One of my favorite things about you, like, you, I think you think you have a poker face, and you don't. Yeah, even the littlest bit that I know you, I definitely agree. It's so funny. No, I can tell what I'm thinking. Look at your face right now. Look at your face right now. Nav is the same way.

Nava, when we're on Zoom calls, Nava has a thought, she's like, Oh, yeah. And it was like, okay. Yes, that's absolutely true. I can attest. But you know what? I'm really good at poker. So I have a poker face when I'm like deliberately.

Yeah, but when I'm like reacting in the wild. I do not. Do you think you too, because you described yourself as being a little bit different, do you think you would have been friends in middle school? Yes. I do think so because I'm attracted to Sashir's personality. now. So I don't think it would have been different in my youth. I like quiet people who are loud later. Because, like, she's not quiet all the time. Yeah. Sometimes she gets rowdy.

I'm quiet in the streets and loud in the streets. And by sheet, she means blanket and blanket on your couch. She'll scream a little bit on the couch and go right to sleep. Yeah, I think I always have had best friends who were louder than me. I just, I like, I like being spoken for. Like, and people are like, we want this. And I'm like, yes. Yes, we do. You got it from here.

Let's go back to crushes a little bit. So you, you named him. But tell us a little bit about each of your first crushes and your first heartbreaks. Yeah, one of my first crushes, Mark D'Angolillo. During Valentine's Day, you could send people carnations. and he sent me a pink one, which means interested. I still have the piece of paper because that's how much I was like, I love him. He was one, this other kid Matt, this other kid Keith.

I had so many crushes. What did you like about, like, what kind of guy were you into? Oh, I mean, I'd even have to have a conversation with these boys. They could just walk past me and I'd be like, I'll marry him. And then I'd figure, I'd work backwards. So I'd be like, I'll marry him. And then I'll be like, hey, I'm Nicole. Yeah, I was just very boy crazy.

You said he sent you a Valentine and it was pink, meaning that he was interested. I thought the school, for some reason, had this, like, code where someone could send a red one and that mean they love you. A pink one is interesting. They did. Yes. Red means love. Pink means interesting. Yeah.

Was there like a yellow, like leave me alone? No, white for friendship. As a teacher, this is shocking. I mean, yeah, it's inappropriate. Yeah. And wait, first heartbreak, Nicole? Let's see. My very first, I mean, they're not real.

I mean, Mark gave me that pink one, but then he ended with a girlfriend. It wasn't red. And then later had a girlfriend. And I was like, oh, how dare. I guess that was a heartbreak. But, like, not real, because, like, I didn't know him. Yeah. I don't know if I've had my heartbroken yet.

Is this a share? Get ready. It's coming. The most vivid first crush that I had is Darren Moore. And that was in like third grade or something. Oh. And he was just a little cutie. I don't think I spoke to him.

I think I was just like admiring from afar. And then I kind of locked it all up from like fifth grade to 23 years old. Like I was like, doop, doop. We don't like anybody. I don't know. I just, like, I don't think I had that many crushes. I do remember in high school, I thought this guy was cute, and I, like, wrote him a note and put in his locker that was like, hey, we're buds, whatever.

I have no idea what I said. I can't even imagine what I wrote, hand wrote on this note, but he ignored it completely, and then dated my friend Teresa. Teresa? I relate to Nicole. I was boy crazy. I was out there. And my husband actually went through something similar to you, Sashir, where at a certain point, he intentionally just kind of put blinders up.

He was like, this is too distracting. I want to do other things at the moment, and I don't want to think about girls. And I'm wondering, for you, was it intentional? Did you think about that? Or was there a reason? I think it was many things. I was raised religious. I was raised very Christian.

So I think I was like, don't want to go to hell. And then also I was like determined to go to college and like get scholarships and stuff like that. So I was like just super focused on school and doing activities and stuff. And I was like, I don't have time to date. So yeah, it kind of like didn't really like it wasn't a focus of mine. Yeah. I was like if it happens, that'd be cool. But I really didn't try anything.

That's so funny that you were so focused on school. Like I had no intentions of going to college or like finishing high school. I was like, I came to make friends. Like, I truly didn't care about my education. Sashir, you did an episode of This American Life where you talked about kind of you and your mom were on the episode together and you unpacked a joke that you make sometimes with sort of the notion that your mom hates white people. And you go into sort of like the pain that she went through in this like desegregation movement and you both seem to have like different takes on it. It was really profound as a listener to hear that. And I hope that all of our listeners will listen to that episode.

If they haven't, we're going to link it. It is great. Yeah. Yeah, I'm so glad my mom was able to share her stories. It was hard for her. She did not like the process of that because it was a lot of memories that she has tried to suppress or just have been naturally suppressed. And I can't imagine those are fun to revisit.

Yeah. So we kind of still have different opinions on her. time because to me I was like, well, you're a hero. Like, you know, you helped the growth and the movement of this country. Like, if you didn't help desegregate these schools, you know, I wouldn't be able to go to any school I wanted to go to. And her view is like, I was placed. You know, it's not like she had a choice. She's a child when this happened. So it was like she was part of a program that she did not sign up for, which I didn't think about. before. Like I don't, I think if I had a choice, I would probably choose to be where I'm comfortable

or like, be where I'm not attacked. Yeah. Yeah. And her other siblings are the same. And her mom also taught at a white school. So it's like the whole family was doing it and having different experiences, but also like rough experiences. It's one of those things where it's like, thankful it happened, but also I can't imagine being in the day to day of that. Although, I sent Nicole this video yesterday, I guess she kind of has a sense of humor about it. She like went to her college reunion recently in Arkansas, and she passed by a cotton field and stopped the car, got out of it, got in front of the cotton field, and recorded a video of herself being like, so glad I don't have to pick cotton anymore. And I was like, is this a joke? What is this? So she's mother's one of my favorite people I have ever met in my whole life.

She's so funny. Wow. Yeah, she seems like it. Yeah. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. All right. So let's just, let's just real talk, as they say for a second. That's a little bit of an aged thing to say now.

That dates me, doesn't it? But no, real talk. How important is your health to you? you know on like a one to 10 and i don't mean the in the sense of vanity i mean in the sense of like you want your day to go well right you want to be less stressed you don't want it as sick when you have responsibilities um i know myself i'm a householder i have uh i have two children and two more on the way um a spouse a pet you know a job that sometimes has its demands so i really want to feel like when i'm not getting the sleep and i'm not getting nutrition when my eating's

down i want to know that i'm that i'm being held down some other way physically you know my family holds me down emotionally spiritually but i need something to hold me down physically right and so honestly i turned to symbiotica these these these these these these vitamins and these beautiful little packets that they taste delicious and i'm telling you um even before i started doing ads for these guys it was a product that i uh i really really liked and enjoyed and could see the differences with um the three that i use i use uh the the the what is it called liposomal vitamin c and it tastes delicious like really really good comes out in the packet you put it right in your mouth some people don't do that i do it i do it i think

it tastes great i use the liposomal uh glutathione as well in the morning um really good for gut health and although i don't need it you know anti-aging um and then i also use the magnesium l3 and 8 which is really good for for i think mood and stress i sometimes use it in the morning sometimes use it at night all three of these things taste incredible honestly you don't even need to mix it with water and yeah I just couldn't recommend them highly enough if you want to try them out go to symbiotica.com slash podcrushed for 20% off plus free shipping

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And I just felt like, I don't know, like so sad, but also, like, deeper admiration for you because you bring, like, so much joy to people. And you're, like, such a source of light. what Sashir said about you, you enter the room and all the attentions on you're like the light in that room and I think that's incredible because there's no way you haven't suffered a lot from that loss. And so I was just, if you're open to talking about it,

you could share a little bit. You know, how old were you? How did it shape you? I was 16 when my mom passed away. It was sudden, it was a blood clot in her thigh that traveled to her heart and stopped her heart. Like just truly, like

I went to school and came back and my mother had passed away. And then it was, it was, it was, it was, an interesting thing because my dad worked a lot. So my mom did the, the raising of the, the, me and my sister, she set the rules. She drove us to school. She did everything. She grocery shops. She shopped for us.

So then my dad was like, well, how do I do this? Like, what's your curfew? And I was like, my curfew is 2 a.m. And my sister was like, 10. We come home at 10. And then he was like, all right, well, you come home at two and you come home at 10. And I was, I'm a year and a half younger than her. And from that moment, I was like, so I get to just tell him things and that's how we live?

And he never questioned it because he was like, surely my daughter would never lie to me. I would like make permission slips to go to the city. It would be in comic sands, but he would sign them. And then I just like wouldn't go to school. I'd go to New York. like um yeah i like rebel i was truly like it's what is it rebel without a cause there was no cause for my rebellion this man was very much like i don't know anything you want to do i guess it's okay if that's what your mom let you do and i'd be like yeah my mom let me do everything

yeah and then like he also did it no drinking ages so like i got in trouble drinking once and he was like you're not allowed to drink and i was like no i'm 18 no not at all um but yeah no drinking ages no no he really well he was from Barbados and then in the Caribbean the drinking age is 18 yeah yeah I think so and I think he just kept those rules with him but my sister was very like the opposite she was like you know gotta stay in school got to do good and I was like we don't really have to go if you don't want to and then when he died I was 21 and then I guess I had just like fucked around enough that like I got it kind of out of my system. But also I rebelled after he died too. I drink a lot and smoked a lot of weed, did a lot of other drugs. And then got into therapy, which was really helpful at like 25. And through therapy was like, oh, you're self-medicating. You haven't dealt with your grief. They say time heals. It does not. Time creates distance, distance masks as healing, but you're never really truly healed from

loss. You kind of just have to figure out how you're going to deal with it that day. You have to figure out if you're going to let it consume you, but it doesn't heal. You're never healed. We were kind of laughing about, you know, that time period you're talking about where your dad was raising you, you were giving him, telling him what your curfew was and stuff. But I think if I were giving my parents rules like that, it would be like exciting at first. But was there any part of you that felt where it felt unsettling at a certain point? It wasn't unsettling. It was more sadness sometimes. So like he really wanted to do well by my mother and like continue. I guess he thought she was doing a good job. So he wanted to do a good job. And I distinctly remember my

coming to help clean my mom's closet because he didn't touch anything and they were trying to my mom boy oh boy I've turned into my mom I have fake flowers all over my house now she loved fake flowers she would change them out seasonally and she had these she died in October so she had these fall reeds on the front door and I think my aunts had come in like December or something and my aunt was like why don't you take these down and my dad was like well Bonnie put them up that's where she wants them and then they were like well they're seasonal so like you change them out seasonly he's like she put them up that's where she wants so like a lot of stuff in our house our house became like a museum to my mother like piles of mail that she had

stayed there until right like right until my dad died um her clothes a lot of those stayed where they were my aunts took what they wanted whatever but like we ended up donating most of it after he died um yeah he was just like when i think about it in retrospect it's like oh this is a man who was grieving and didn't know exactly how to grieve. So yeah, in retrospect, it was like a sad man and I wish I had asked him if he was okay more instead of being like, I'm just going to go to the city and fuck around. Or instead of just being like, well, I guess he's in his room. I'll smoke weed in my room. He also didn't know what weed smelled like. He was like, one day he was like, what is that smell? I was like, incense. And he's like, those are some strong incense. And I wish he was

alive today to be like, were you being sarcastic or do you actually not know what wheat smells like? Yeah, I had a credit card that he gave me to build my credit, which was really kind. But I was just like, no, I ruined it. So he didn't realize that like he was paying it off every month. So then when I applied for credit cards, they just gave me this like insane limits. And then I was like, by now, pay later. Everyone's going to drink for free tonight. And then Then when they were like, pay now and I was like, oh, I don't have it. I got like $30,000 in debt, like in a year, like the year after he died or no, the year right before he died maybe. I don't remember.

Yeah, he tried. He tried to do good. Yeah. It's so interesting how everyone grieves. I have some of my cousins, their dad died, like, really suddenly and, like, kind of in a quite painful way. And their mom just got rid of all his stuff, like, I think within five days, like, every. didn't tell them and they were so upset like we would have wanted to keep something you know and i think it was like she just had to like she the only way she could deal was just like getting

all of his stuff out of the house yeah it looks like your dad did the opposite yeah i kind of wish my dad had moved some of my mom's stuff it just seemed like he was stuck he was stuck in that time and never got past it that's hard yeah yeah wow does it resonate with you like this idea that Because I feel like I've heard a lot of different answers to this kind of question and like comedy comes from only one place. It's humor is a really multifaceted like aspect of human expression. But how did your relationship to comedy maybe deepen during that time or did it, you know, was it maybe just later? Was it before that? Well, when my mother died, I was in a play at school.

So after school for like three hours, I didn't have to be me. got to be this, like, other person, and that was, like, really, really helpful. And then my dad died during my first round of improv classes. And the joke I like to say is, I told my dad I was taking improv classes, and he said I'd rather die than see my daughter do object work. And it's funny to be. And not funny to a lot of people. They don't like that joke.

But, again, it was nice to be like, oh, okay, I can, like, improvise. you know not be me for this for the three hours of this class so in both instances performing really kind of did save my life in like the cheesiest way possible like I there's no way around it it really did and writing jokes about my parents death was like therapeutic for me like people who have death and understand death like those jokes but again I was like 25 trying to tell jokes about dead parents to an audience being like, I still have them and I like them. But I do write a lot about trauma and I just frame it in a way that makes it funny. But that's me.

I don't think all comedians are like, you know, wrought with sadness. But I am. Well, that makes me wonder. Neva, you talk a lot about losing your mom at 30 and how much it's affected you in the years. since and I'm wondering you're a writer, you're working on screenplays and things like that all the time. Have you ever thought about writing about your experience? Yeah, we have a concept. No, but so Nicole, I relate to this to some degree. So I, how I feel or felt was like I was not prepared for how hard it was going to be because I had known people who had lost parents and loved

ones, but I felt like they didn't really share that it was so hard. Like you're like, I'm okay. You know, the first month was hard, whatever. And for me, it was. And for me, it was. It was like the first 18 months were like brutal. Like I could like, you know, I had to function, but I could like barely function. And I just was like, why wasn't I prepared for that? I don't know. That was just how I felt like I was like angry that no one had prepared me. And I felt like there was no support in my community.

Like you need the support of your friends, your community. People need to show up for you when you're in that. When you said people, there's no support after death, you're correct. Like people for the first month or two are like anything you need. Yeah. Here's a casserole. My thoughts are with you. She's in a better place.

And then after two months, all those people who were there suddenly are not because they have to go back to living their own lives. Yeah. And that is one of the most jarring things I think I've ever gone through. Yeah. It was so strange that like, and like at school take all the time you need. And that's two weeks. That's what we mean. And then you're back at school taking tests and stuff.

And I'm like, I don't really care about multiplication. I have no mother. Finally, somebody was like, you need to go to therapy. And Ms. Fortunato was my guidance counselor at the time. And she really, really took an interest. Because I stopped going to class. And I would just go to her office and be like, I have problems. And she's like, you were just telling me about a movie you saw.

And I was like, yeah. And I think I just needed a female adult to be a mother. And that's what I was looking for. But she was the one who took me to therapy. So she went above and beyond her job So I'm very, very grateful and thankful for her That's amazing The other thing I found

You know, I hope this didn't happen to you at 16 Like I hope people would be more compassionate But I found at 30 everyone's like Why aren't you over it yet? Like after two months I feel like that was the grace period And it was like after two months If I still look like I'm upset

If I have to like excuse myself from a meeting to go cry I did that once someone walked out with me Which was already like so upsetting Like not good And was like why are you still so upset about this She's in a better place Why don't you accept that? And I was like, I was like, so mad.

How do you know it's a better place? Why isn't it a better place with me? Yeah, it's a lot of people being like, buck up and be strong. And it's like, well, I don't want to be strong. Like, I'm really, I'm going through it. Sashir, how did you get into comedy? Wait, do I know this?

Go for it. Was it stand up first or UCB first? I guess you should just tell it. I don't know it. No, she loves what other people speak for her. I know. Yeah, that's right. I know.

I really want to, but I don't think I know the answer. Oh, I'm going to cry. I'm going to log off if you don't come over the answer in 30 seconds. So you started taking classes at UCB and then you found stand-up? It was before then. Oh, yeah. In college, you were in an improv group in college called Bon Appetit. No.

Treats before dinner. Very close. A moosh-bush. Yes. It was actually before that. Fuck! So in high school, actually no,

in middle school, my volleyball coach. Great, on brand. Yes. Thank you for that. My volleyball coach, she loved improv, and there was a short-form improv team

in downtown Indianapolis. And after we like finished the season, she took the players to go see a show. It was completely unrelated, but that was like her way to celebrate with us. And I remember watching it and being like, this is amazing. They're just making shit up on their own, like out of thin air. I loved it. And then went to high school and they had a high school team of that improv group.

And I auditioned for it. I made the group. But I was also doing show choir at the time. and the rehearsals were at the exact same time. And I had to choose which one to do. And I chose show choir because that was my life at that time. And then when I went to college, I was doing musicals. And then one of my directors was in the improv team at the college and was like, you should audition for the improv team.

I auditioned. I did not make it. But one of my friends who I thought was one of the funny people ever, auditioned three times for the same group, didn't make it. And I was like, this doesn't make sense. We should start our own improv group. And so we created our own and then recruited kind of the rejects. This is like the plot of pitch perfect only improv.

Yeah. We started our own rag tag team of improvisers. And the group is still going. And it is called Amoosbush. And then the... Why did you guys name it Amoosbush? It was the word of the day on dictionary.com. But one of the definitions was, like, pleasing to the mouth.

And we were like, oh, we are that. We make you laugh. And also it just sounded fancy. Yeah. And we liked it. And the word amuse is in there. Yeah, that's cool. And then the touring company of the Uprice Business Brigade Theater came to my college and blew me away.

And then, and Bobby Moynihan was there in the group. I love Bobby Moynihan. Yeah, me too. And I remember there was like a talk back with the students and someone asked like, how do you get a career in comedy? And Bobby was like, you moved to New York, you do UCV, and you work really hard. And then like months after that, he got on SNL. And I was like, I think he knows what he's talking about.

And then I moved to New York, fell hard into UCB, and then da-da-da-da-da-da. Before comedy, the way you describe yourself, it sounds like you were really academically driven as well. Like, did you have any ideas of doing something else with your life and then kind of Good turn. Yeah, I thought I wanted to do broadcast journalism because I just felt like more respected or something. I don't know. And I shadowed a journalist in Indianapolis and it just wasn't for me. You kind of have to wait for the news to happen. And I was like, I don't like this part. I want to create. And I think the part I liked was also being on TV. And then when I got to college very quickly was just performing all the time and I was like, I think this is actually

what I want to do. This is, this makes me feel good. And also I want to connect to an audience and get that immediate gratification and didn't look back. Penn, you had some questions about you, I think. Oh, well, it's uncharacteristic of me, actually. Yeah, in the, well, yeah, it's just I really was surprised you both auditioned for the show. And I am absolutely. I am at actually like what a missed opportunity i had no idea what a missed opportunity for the show yeah yeah no for you i mean it's for your three you just would have like i mean you you are where you are you know yeah we could be a little further along it's acting like you know wait when was this that you had which seasons did you audition for yeah uh the last one did you audition to be the therapist

too? No. I audition to be the therapist? Yeah, and I tried so hard because I don't really talk like a therapist and I was like, bring it down, Nicole. You're trying to help these two people. You know they're murders, but you're trying to help them. You see, you already need to bring it down.

But I worked so hard on that audition with my roommate at the time. I even wore a turtleneck because I thought the therapist would wear a turtick. And at one point I was like, John, you're not reading the lines well. Like I threw a fit And then he was like

I'll wait till you calm down I understand that this is important to you I can wait for you And then I came downstairs And I was like I'm sorry I yelled Maybe jump back into it please Oh my goodness Making an audition tape

Is one of the worst It's like things A person can spend their time doing How much worse If you are actually an actor Trying to employ yourself Like, it's just auditioning makes me just want to shut down and stop talking. It's hard.

I auditioned for Joe, but they were like, we only have that. It's interesting. I feel like I could take this in a different direction. What if? I can see it. I can see it. I mean. Wait, who did you audition for us this year?

Is her name Marianne? Oh, Marianne? and um I didn't forget I forget Julia Grant oh she'll eat a Grant's well yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah she was very fine

you've got to get them on season five do you have any connections let us let us just like be in a corner and be like Joe's over there wait while we're talking about this can I be on season five well no

he's like no to Sophie you're not my best friend and you're not an actress what's your CV Sophie I've been working for 20 years. What have you done? I did once. I mean, you're talking about auditions. My sister studied musical theater and

we lived together briefly right after she finished college. I was still in college. We're both living in New York and she was like hustling, auditioning for musicals and she like pretty soon after that moved to Scotland, got married, has a baby. She's like moved in a different direction with her life

but for a brief moment there, I was her partner reading lines. And that is hard. And are you saying you outshined her? Is that what you're saying? I thought I did. Are you saying that it was inevitable?

I thought I did. And then recently she found some video we had recorded. And I was mortified. It's like, got right. This should die on your laptop. Stick around. We'll be right back. Fall is in full swing.

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Learn more at trynom.com slash podcrushed, spelled try n-o-m.com slash podcrushed. Nicole and Sashir, you're both comedians. And I'm wondering if you have a really good bombing story, like a time when you went on stage or you went into an audition, something like that where you just bombed. I don't know about any. your bombs, Sashir. I have one of yours in my head. Which one do you have? I don't consider it a bomb.

It's the first time you told my favorite joke of yours. I have this joke. I love this joke. So sheer and I went to Costa Rica. I told her the premise of this joke where in the water, waist deep, the sun is setting. It's beautiful.

It's breezy. And she's like, I really think you should tell that joke. And I said, okay. So then we get back to California. I tell the joke at the Virgil. It is Kristen Schall's show with Kurt Bromholder. And I tell it, say the first line, not the reaction I want. No laughter.

Like an audible gasp. And a woman went, oh, no. And I freaked out. And I was like, um, um, Sashir's a maid who told me to tell this joke. And I wasn't in there. And then I tried to finish it. didn't go well and I threw

this year right under the bus to the point where Kristen later was like, did you tell Nicole to tell that awful joke? But then, I told the joke again at a place called Meltdown that doesn't exist anymore. It was Marcella Arguello's show,

Women Crush Wednesdays, and I got off stage and I was like, I forgot to tell that joke. And then she was like, come back next week and just tell it and you'll see if it's actually funny. I said, okay, told it. And were you at that shows this year? I sure was.

It fucking crushed. There was like a lady running around at one point. It crushed. And then it's... What do you think changed? I mean, it's just... So the way I tell the joke now is, would you like to hear a joke that nobody likes?

And everyone's like, yeah, because I'm cool. And I go, nobody likes it. Oh, right. Okay. So that's the way it works. And you're asking for it. And then I do... top do a little bit of work where I'm like

and this is where I lose people but hear me out you're part of the problem if you don't like this the premise is like don't fuck a kid and then I explain why you shouldn't right and it's just it's really just the wording

and my whole thing was like why are people mad at me for saying you shouldn't do it it's like it's like five minutes of me being like please don't do it and there's a lot of men out there who have jokes

like that, but a lot of their jokes are, they don't really explicitly say why you should. But I'm like giving you hard reasons not to do it. I did it as an encore for my special taping for Sashir and our other friend

Misses in your space right now. I'm going to go back and watch it. No, Netflix said hey, you're so nice. Really? No. It's so nice. Why don't you? You don't have to put this in And I said, okay, but I got a standing ovation

After the joke. Can we find it online somewhere? No. Yeah. Wow, it's exclusive. It's just this elusive joke that I have. Release the footage. Yeah.

Release the footage. Listen, I'll send you a DVD of season five. He'll send you the first episode. You send me a film reel of that. Okay. Penn is actually very trustworthy because he doesn't even know how to upload anything. to the internet. So it'll stay with him.

That's true? Yeah. It's my favorite joke. I also told it in Montreal at Just for Laughs because they asked me not to. And I was like, do I have content restrictions? They said, no. Then they were like, transcribe your jokes. And I was like, well, I don't want to transcribe it.

So then I transcribed it. And they said, you can't tell it. And I said, I'm going to tell it. And then again, Sassar and Mateo were standing in the wings. I was like they told me not to tell it And I just heard Sashir go Ah And every

punchline Sashir would scream And I could just see her out of the corner of my eye And I was like, this is for my friends Thank you I love that Sashir, do you have a bomb story? Yeah, I was doing a show in Austin And

it was a great set And then I got to the last joke and I'll just tell you the joke. It was, I was like, white people do this. And I like, shimmy my shoulders and I was like, black people do this. And I like move my hands in the air. Lesbians do this, like kick my feet to the side. And poor people do this.

And I just like dance with my arms straight out. And I was like, see what I mean? We may all have our differences. But we all look equally ridiculous when we do the dance that Charlie Brown and the the rest of the gang do from the peat. I really like that. Thank you.

It's one of my favorite jokes. That is so good. So it was just like you did that and it was like crickets. It was like the reverse of silence of like noise. It was like they stuck the and sucked out of the room.

As soon as they said white people do this, people were like, what the fuck just saying? What's happening? And I said black people do this and they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. What is this going? And then you said lesbians

and that was the always like, no. We don't want to participate. What's the fourth one going to be? And it's just like, poor. No! You didn't put that on your special, did you? No, it's nowhere.

Because I remember that joke vividly, and I remember laughing so hard. Sashir's audience is also a special kind of audience. They're like respectful lesbians who snap and don't laugh sometimes. And we were at a festival, and she told a joke. and I think Sashir is just so fucking funny and she said it and I like threw my head back and laughed

and like when my head came back down everyone was staring at me and I was like oh no and then Sashir was like well that's my best friend Nicole and then everyone went and then for the rest of the show when she said something funny

I would like start to laugh and they'd all turn I'd be like oh yes we snap here you strike me as you I feel like you can't really contain your laugh no I can't I'm the same, I'm the same, Nicole. Okay, we actually had so much more.

I think even one of our producers prepped you guys for a Halloween-themed episode, but we have not talked about Halloween. It's October, so that's Halloween enough. This show isn't four 12-year-olds, though. Oh, my God. Do you like candy corn? No. Thoughts on candy corn, go.

Yuck. No, there were some good questions. Do you believe in ghosts? Have you ever seen a ghost? Yes, that's the best. question. Oh, do you believe in ghosts and have you ever seen a ghost? Yeah. I'm going to ask it because it's good. I just did. I just took it. She already asked it. But Nicole has seen ghosts. I have seen two ghosts, but I don't believe in them.

Explain. Okay. So I was on a Torco, UCB Torco. I think we went to Missouri and we were staying at this like weird best Western that was like maybe a hospital before. I don't really remember. But I went to sleep, uh, like rolled over. close my eyes and I felt someone sit on the bed and I said fuck I'm going to turn around and this person's going to kill me but I turned around there was nobody there and I was like weird rolled back over same thing happened that's really weird someone's going to be there nobody was there so I finally was like okay if you're my mom or something like can you just go away and leave me alone and let me sleep and then it didn't happen again but then I was like it could have been my dead dad and he might have been sad in the corner.

And then in my old apartment, cabinets would just be open for no reason. A hundred percent sure, me and John would always close the cabinets. But there was one time I was going from my room to the bathroom, which was like across this little hallway. And I crossed the hallway. And there was a man standing in the living room and his arms crossed. And I was like, mm-mm-mm. He was a bald man who didn't look.

like my roommate and I went into the bathroom and I closed the door and I was like fuck and then I like peaked out and he was gone and then one day John and I were being very funny. One of the funniest days of our lives living together and there was clapping but it was in the

apartment like someone was clapping in this fucking apartment and it really spooked us and we were like I guess we just go to bed like I don't know or do we keep performing for the ghost only a community Like not sure I believe in ghosts

I mean, well The show must go on Who cares if it's a ghost? But yeah I don't believe in them But I do But they believe in you, Nicole They do

Sashir, what do you think About her story? I believe her And I don't know Why she doesn't believe in ghosts Yeah I believe in ghosts Based on that story

So Sashir believes in ghosts Via Nicole Yeah Sashir, have you ever had a ghost encounter? Yeah. I was in my mom's house and I was I was in college and I was in my bed and I was sleeping and then I heard like a like a crawling on my headboard and I felt like a brush across my face and I turned on my light and then I looked across the room and there was a giant spider like as big as my hand like on the wall and I just like snuck past it, got my

my mom, and my mom is from, like, lived on a farm. So she just, like, got a paper towel and smashed it and flushed it down the toilet. I was like, do you think this spider stomped across my face and flew to the other side of the room? And she goes, no, I think an angel woke you up with its wing and to alert you that there was a spider across the room, which I would rather believe. Yeah, I would too. Take it. That's sweet. That's really sweet.

Well, I guess it's an angel story, not a ghost story. But I don't know. What's the difference? What's the difference? What does it be? Well, I guess ghosts feel like they have unfinished business. They're like, they're in a, like, plain that it's not neither here nor there, kind of in between. And then angels kind of feel like they're cooked.

We know what we're doing here. They have jobs. That's how they're employed ghosts. We're being paid by God. Yeah. Look at these wings. I had to urge. of these wings. I have one. It's not a ghost one and I'll try to tell it quickly but so my mom died and I think two years later I was like in this room in this like special prayer room at a place that I would visit in the summer in Maine and I like walked in the room and I felt like my mom was in the room and it's the only time it happens and she died and I couldn't see her but I was like oh she's like in the room and I was like laughing like I couldn't stop laughing and I was like I get it like you're here you're with me like I feel it like you don't have to keep making me laugh like I can tell she was making me laugh and I and I as I was like praying I was like the rays of the

the sun were like pouring in the room and somehow that felt connected to my mom. I was like somehow this represents my mom, but I don't know how. And then two really interesting thing happened. I left the room and a friend of mine, my friend Maria Luisa, texted me and it was like, can you call me? And we hadn't talked in like a year, although we're close, like we just had fallen out of touch. And I was like, oh, she's pregnant. Like this must be why she's like wanting to call me.

So I call her back and I was like, you're pregnant. And she starts laughing. She's like, no, I had a dream with your mom. And basically in the dream, it was like a whole dream. But in the dream, she said that when she saw my mom, the son was right behind her. and the rays of the sun were, like, pouring through her face. And she was, like, your mom said, I need to tell you this. And the thing that my mom told her was what I had been praying about.

It was, like, an answer to my prayer. And then three hours later, this other woman who was at this retreat center, who I didn't know, approached me. But she knew my mom had died because when my mom died, I went crazy posting about death on Facebook. So I was like, nobody talks about this. I'm going to talk about this all the time. And so she's like, your mom passed away, right? And I was like, yeah. And she's like, I don't know how to explain this.

And she started crying. She was like, when I walked into the prayer room, she was like, I was sitting and the sun was rising and she had gone in at dawn. She was like, I felt like your mom was in the room and she's like, and your mom was telling me to tell you that, that she was in the room and that she was with you. That all happened in the same day.

So, like, I know that that was real. Like, I know that that experience was a real experience. I don't know exactly what it means, but, yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's really sweet. Let's commemorate that with plastic skeletons and, um, pumpkins that we carve.

And candy corn. I'm serious. Guys, I was born. I started coming out on October 30th. It's such a weird way to put a soap. You started coming out. You started coming out? Well, because I was born, I was born on November 1st.

Aw, it's your birthday soon. I kicked. You're crowning October 31st. No, no, no, no. But the reason I say that, the reason I say I was too much immature. And then you go right back in the closet. Who is it? You tell me.

That's very true. Penn sometimes has these really interesting turns. Amy Schumer was a guest on this show once and he referred to her son as recently inside Amy Schumer. Did you not remember that? She has an inside Amy Schumer. But that's like, were you trying to

comment on her show? Because that's actually a... I wouldn't say that otherwise. I mean, there's no way I would say that. Well, you just said I started coming out. So the thing is, is like I was two months premature and nearly died. Oh, no.

And had serious problems for the first year of my life. so but I kicked out on Halloween like I kicked the water open to my own peril but the idea of the water breaking and it being an emergency is actually a very like Western construct that you know didn't always used to happen anyway

but so just so I didn't want that it's not like babies just punching and kicking their way out but this one was I did I did for whatever reason and nearly died that is spooky I am I'm half ghost I've died multiple times dead

We're all seeing a ghost right now Believe it Nicole Yeah the whitest person on a car He is a ghost You have a ghost story I have a ghost story I'm not going to tell it Because we're running out of time

But I was naked when I saw the ghost And that was the scariest part I'll just leave you all with that You are scary You're just embarrassed You're just like my tini Well, it was my Actually, okay, I'll tell the story.

It was my grandfather who I was very close with. He passed away when I was 12 and I had never had a dream about him or anything like that. And this happened like two years ago now. And it was late at night and I sleep naked. That's the point of the story, I guess. But I was making him.

No, the point of the story is the ghost. Yeah, it's ghost. I got out of bed to do something. And then I turn around. It's dark and I see him similar to that man you saw. in the corner, Nicole. He's like standing in the corner and I catch a glimpse of him and then it's like he goes away. And my first instinct was, I'm naked. I run back to my bedroom. And then I'm sitting in my bed covered up and I like try to wake my husband up. He's not waking up. And then I think

like that's so silly. Like this is this is my grandfather. Doesn't matter if he sees me naked. Also he's not really here. He's not physical. He's not thinking about my body. So I'm like, this is a wasted opportunity if I don't actually interact with him so that I, like, got up and in my head started to talk with him. Who knows? Maybe it's part of my imagination. Maybe not. Maybe you would have stuck around longer if you had clothes on. Yeah, yeah. I think I should start sleeping with pajamas. Your grandpa came to visit to tell you. He's like, Sophie, stop sleeping naked. No, he was laughing. He was laughing. Is it a good time?

Imagine him going back to the spirit world. He's like, I try to talk to my grandma. on her but then titty's rang it out I didn't know what to do I had to get out of there and then the other ghost is like man I haven't seen tities and he's like rats I should have came with you like stop talking about my

grand baby like that he's like sorry Charles I'm gonna tell me this for I just had he would love it he would be laughing his asses We have a final question that we ask everybody and we love to each of you.

Would you like to join our cult or can you entice us with a better cult? Well, to share it, our cult, I think, is the cult of giggles. We giggle a lot. One of my favorite giggles was her shoes were really loud. And there's no to explain that. Okay, fair. You know what? There really isn't, I guess.

Squeaky shoes? They weren't squeaking. It was slaps. They sounded like when she was walking down the stairs. And I was like, surely these shoes will get quieter. And then I turned to her and I was like, your shoes. And she went, I know. I was trying to walk quietly.

I knew you were going to make fun of them. And then in the middle of the staircase, we started laughing so hard that the man at the end of the staircase was like, wow, you guys are having a good night, aren't you? I think you thought we were high or something. People constantly think we're high. Yeah. Because you're just friends. You're in love. It's great.

We love each other and we love to tee-he-he. I love that. I would join that cult. But our actual final question is, what would you say to your 12-year-old self if you could go back and be with them for a moment? Oh, boy. So, okay, does the 12-year-old self know I'm coming?

Am I scared? Your 12-year-old self is waiting with a cigarette really unimpressed. Your 12-year-old is like, uh-huh, yeah? Your 12-year-old is wearing a track suit is matching males and a marlborough red between her fingers. So how would you feel? Boy, what would I say to her? Is this year, do you know what you would say to your 12-year-old self?

I think I'd say chill out. You can take some breaks. You don't have to work so hard. You can be a kid. You could try to smoke a cigarette. You could try to kiss a boy. It made me chill. everything will fall in place as it's supposed to.

I think I would tell my 12 year old self do not smoke that cigarette anymore and then I would tell her it's gonna get worse it's gonna get better but the things you think you should be worried about actually don't fucking matter your body's a body

and you don't have to worry about what it looks like your body's not for consumption of other people, you're okay. I love that. Thank you. This was so fun. Yeah. Thanks for giving it so much time. This was a nice time.

I liked it. Thank you. Nicole, can you start a fifth podcast and then bring us on? Yeah, I'll start a fifth one. Yeah. We'll have a fifth podcast called Nice time. Today's real life listener submitted middle school story. is called the fake jay and it is funny so you should stick around thank you guys imagine for a moment

the year 2006 the season backs to school the attire mom prep or pass you're entering sixth grade with all your homies on your way to rule the kingdom of gwendolen brooks middle school in oak park illinois imagine you've put in the hard work the sweat and the tears throughout elementary school to confirm your social standing you have a neutral seat on the bus not too far to towards the front, not completely the back. You're at a good table for lunch full of all the almost popular kids. You even go out of your way to say hello

to your grumpy older brother and his eighth grade friends so that those who might have considered fucking with you know not to. You're preparing for your biggest feat yet. One you know will shoot you straight to star status. You're going to Zapp Jay Sanchez, the boy who sits in front of you

in second period science. Zapp was all the rage in 06. You'd write the word zap and a specific time of day on the back of someone's hand and you'd write a person's name on the inside of the hand. The dare was that the person wasn't allowed to look at the name inside of their hand until the time written on the outside.

Once they looked at their inner palm, they had to ask out the person whose name was sharpied. Normally you'd write the name of a friend, someone you knew had a crush on Mr. Zapt, but you, my friend, decide to write your own name. It's a great plan. It's bold, powerful, sexy, exactly the kind of move that fans the fire you. of fame. Jay is perfect. He's one of the funniest guys in your grade. He's not conventionally handsome, but cute enough to look good by your side, and he sits right in front of you, minimizing the threat of too many people seeing. That day, in second period science class, your teacher decides to play a movie. Jay shows up late in rebellious Jay fashion. You prepare the Sharpie in your sweaty

palm. In no time, the movie is stopped and the lights come on and it's all too fast, but somehow also happening in slow motion, Jay turns to you. He turns to you. smiles, that crinkly smile of his, and you think to your 12-year-old self, I can see a future with him. Nervously, you take his hand, your Sharpie is already uncapped, but you still go to uncap it. You blacken your thumb, and forefinger, Jay laughs, so it's fine. You scribble inside his hand as fast as possible. You select the time and finish off your zap with a heart in a place of the A.

Jay retracts his hand and swings his backpack over his shoulder as if nothing happened and exits the classroom. You let out a held-in sigh Lunch passes Jay is nowhere to be seen The next day You sit through second period science waiting For him to saunter to his seat

Lunchtime comes and goes You're wondering where the fuck Jay is And what kind of game he's playing Is he so embarrassed of the name written in his hand That he decided to completely skip school And to avoid asking you out Is he sick? Is he hurt?

hurt. You start to whisper around school asking for answers. Who's seen Jay Sanchez? You're fuming. That bastard could at least tell you to your face that he's not interested. On day three of No Jay, you begin to hear the rumors swirling about. Jay's been an I-S in school suspension for punching a bumbling nerd that stepped on Jay's crisp white K-Swiss sneakers. His newfound Bad boy status only turns you on more. You seek him out at the end of the day, and you catch him, shooting the shit at the playground. You hover around like an actual stalker

until he begins to walk away from his boys. Gathering all of the courage you can, you manage to croak Jay? He looks around for that fucking weird voice, shrugs and keeps it moving. Jay, you try again, this time with your chest. Oh, hey, he says as he finally notices you. Hey.

This is an awkward silence. Okay, now you shuffle nervously from foot to foot. A couple days ago, I zapped you. Oh, yeah, I remember. He responds, nonchalant, hot. Well, I was wondering what you thought of the girl I wrote on your hand. Coy, brilliant. I couldn't read it, got smushed.

Smushed, you think. You're a little crushed, but this is an opportunity, sister, this is the moment, take advantage. Can I go now, he asks? Go, it's now or never. It was me, Morgan. I wrote Morgan on the zap. He doesn't respond, but not in a, I don't know how to tell you no way, but more than a, is there more than a, is there more to this story because if not I have to go kind of way.

Would you want to go out, you ask? You did it! You motherfucking did it! No, he responds. I'll see you in class, though. And he leaves you there in a puddle of thought and emotion. You don't know how to feel. You didn't know you had it in you, and that is worthy of celebration, but you also feel you very well may never have it in you again. This cuts. Jay isn't even that cute.

you wonder if this will ruin a reputation you absolutely do not have. You shed a thug tear, and you move on. From then on, instead of actually interacting with a crush ever again, you just make up fake relationships with them in your head. The fake Jay said yes, and together you rose to the highest rank of middle school standing, voted funniest couple. You and Jay thought about how much attention you were getting from other boys.

Eventually, his jealousy became too much to handle. you had to break it off. The school breaks off into factions because of the split. Distress and disarray ensue, at least from the inside of your social studies notebook

for the next three months or so. Jay. You can listen to best friends with Sashir Zameda and Nicole Beyer everywhere you get your podcast and you can follow them online at The Sheared Truth

at Nicole Beyer. Pod Crush is hosted by Penn Badge Lead, Navacavalin, and Sophie Ansari. Our executive producer is Nora Richie from Stitcher, our lead producer editor and composer is David Ansari. Our secondary editor is Sharaff and Twistle. This podcast is a ninth mode production.

Be sure to subscribe to Podcresh. You can find us on Stitcher, the Serious XM app, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. If you'd like to submit a middle school story, go to podcrush.com and give us every detail. And while you're online, be sure to follow us on socials. It's at Podcresh, spelled how it sounds. And our personals are at Pembadjley,

at Nava, that's Nava with three ends, and At Scribble by Sophie. And we're out. See you next week. The three of us were recently accused of being in a cult, and I'm not sure this episode is going to help. I just wanted to cut all this. This is all.

I would join this cult. I'm having a nice time. I prayed to our three-headed god dragon, and I made a sacrifice in her bedroom. It was all good in the end. Stitcher. Thank you.