Podcrushed - Taylor Tomlinson

Episode Date: August 2, 2023

You may know her from her viral Netflix specials, "Quarter Life Crisis" and "Look at You", but this week's guest, the bright, witty, and ludicrously funny Taylor Tomlinson, feels duped! She thought she was coming on for a breezy conversation on first periods and childhood crushes, and instead found herself deep in a conversation on heartbreak, rejection, death, and mental health. The hosts hold nothing back, too, this week as they reflect on sudden loss and middle school trauma. This is a special episode of Podcrushed you won't wanna miss. Follow Podcrushed on socials:TwitterInstagramTikTokSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Lemonada I was just so jet-lagged and sort of like, it's, you know, it's like a 17-hour time difference. And I messed up a joke really early on, and I just sort of crumpled and was like, you guys, I'm so tired. I'm sorry. I just, I know, I looked at, like, find my friends on my phone and everyone I care about so far away. And I just, like, I had a little bit of a moment. But, you know, afterward I got off the stage and I was like, that was rough. And everyone's like, no, no, no, it was funny the way you crumpled.

Yeah, yeah. Welcome to Pod Crushed. We're hosts. I'm Penn. I'm Nava. And I'm Sophie. And I think we could have been your middle school besties. Giving each other meagher's.

Do you want to do one more? No, I think that was perfect. Great. Let me tell you. First of all, welcome to the show. Welcome to Pod Crush. These are my co-hosts. I have been wearing shoes without socks now

for about three to four hours. What? Criminal offense. Yeah, it's like it happens sometimes. You know, circumstantially, there's times that makes sense. Coming to a podcast doesn't feel like one of them. I feel a bit silly. Also, I'm wearing like a board short.

hybrid? Oh my God. What is going on? It's like I'm just... You're clearly at the end of a trip. Yeah. It's like the last things in your suitcase. No more socks.

Yeah. It's um, I mean, if you're ever going to do it in shoes, these are the ones to do it in, by the way. They're breathable and I will not tell you where to buy them. Today's guest is Taylor Tomlinson, a stand-up comic whose career took off after a successful run on last comic standing. eventually led to two Netflix stand-up special she's got a third one in the mix

we actually had such a good time there was a point in the interview where we were going so deep and she's so willing and open and vocal and funny we were we were I feel like it was it's a standalone episode yeah it really is we went too far

we're going to have to cut some of it out for sure he might have dramatized stayed a little bit she's getting extra therapy Nava and I both cried Yeah. That's right. Yeah. And she had to keep herself from crying.

I walled off. Yeah. Just walled off the entire time. Penn has shut off to his emotions. Uh-huh. Yeah. Only when the camera's on. Yeah.

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And now, new leads that could solve these cold cases. They could be a victim. Now we have no idea he killed. Stolen voices of Dull Valley breaks the silence on August 19th. Follow us now so you don't miss an episode. So let's just kick it off with, you know, 12-year-old Taylor. No, but seriously, like, you started stand-up at 16 from what we gather. Yeah, thank you Wikipedia.

Yeah, thank you, thank you, Chad, GPT. That means that you must have been becoming the performer and the artist that you are now, you know, roundabout. Like in middle school, like what does the world look like the 12-year-old Taylor? What does what does home look like for 12-year-old Taylor? What is your interior like? These are three different questions. I was like, let me keep track of this while I grimace at memories. I was very shy when I was a kid.

Like, I liked performing. I went to, like, theater camp for a couple summers, but one of the summers I went home because I was like, I'm sick, but I wasn't. I had social anxiety, as it turns out. Like, I was very, very shy. I moved at the beginning of fifth grade, and then we moved again at the beginning of sixth grade, which was just very traumatizing. Yeah, back to back. Yeah, back to back, like the most vulnerable years. So I really liked performing, but I wasn't good.

Like, I'm not good at singing. Like, I can act fine. And everything was, like, a musical at that age. So I wasn't ever going to be, like, the lead in some sort of community theater thing. But I really liked writing. When I was in middle school, I wanted to be, like, a young adult novelist. Like, that's what I wanted to do. But I didn't know stand-up was, like, a job.

at that age. Like, I had no idea. I remember I saw a clip of somebody doing stand-up at, like, the Ice House. And I, like, Googled stand-up from the description. Because I was like, I don't know what that is. Like, I don't know what I thought Dane Cook was doing. When we were listening to him in sixth grade, I was like, this is someone funny with some good ideas about the Kool-Aid guy.

Because he was so huge when we were, like, 10, but I didn't know what he was doing. Do you remember a moment where you realized you were funny? I mean, I think I was funny to my friends. and my friends parents, but I don't think I was ever the class clown. I did get class clown my senior year of high school, but only because the senior standouts were almost like an assignment. Like you had to go out of your way to turn in your votes. And so the genuinely cool popular kids didn't do that because they were busy having sex.

So all the people who voted were like me and my friends who were like smart. And by that point, people knew I was doing stand-up, so I think that's why I got it. but no I wasn't like loud or cool or popular or funny to most anyone I think I was really uncomfortable in my skin and lived a lot in my head were you allowed to watch secular content I'm just trying to figure out why you didn't know what stand-up was

I mean did you know what stand-up was at 10? Yeah really yeah oh wow but my dad's really into stand-up so I was gonna say I feel like that is sort of like I don't think I knew what stand-up was yeah did you know what stand-up was I must have. I don't recall. Oh, you know what? Actually stands out. I knew. Yeah, Chris Rock.

Oh, okay. Because that, you know, his, that wasn't that like a 99 special, just a big one? I think, I think I must have, I think I must have known. Yeah, we, I would not have been allowed to watch Chris Rock. I think even when I started listening to stand up in the car with my parents in high school later on, it was just like Jim Gaffigan. You know, it was like very clean. What? Yeah. Every now and then I can do a good, Jim. That was not it. No, no, no, no, it was no. We'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out. That was disrespectful. Yeah, I, I, I, there was a lot we couldn't watch. Like, anything that even sort of reference the devil or witchcraft, like, that was not cool. Like, I read. What really references the devil, though? Hocus Pocus. There were doing some kid things, yeah.

There was, uh, the, the villain in Powerpuff girls. Mm-hmm. References the devil? Sort of looks like the devil. Looks like the devil. Looks like the devil. And so they were like, no. Anything like that, just very, we're very Christian growing up.

So I read like the first five Harry Potter books sort of under the radar because my dad was getting remarried after my mom died. And I think he just like was sort of in the love bubble. And then he took me to see the third movie and was like, no. That's, like those are demons. And you're like, I mean, come on, man. So, yeah, it was very sheltered. Yeah.

One person you didn't mention that, you know, all these kind of groups of people that maybe thought you were funny. How about with your dad? Because you talk a lot about your dad and your stand-up, and it does seem like one that he gave you a lot of bad advice. At least as you did. You know, which is fair, like dads can have bad advice, especially to their daughters, I think. Right. but did did was there you know I think you hear I can at least remember from like male comics saying like I just sometimes I'll say like I just wanted to make my dad laugh like if if I can make my dad laugh you know I mean what what was going on there yeah I do think I wanted to make my dad laugh I really wanted my dad's approval growing up and that's how I started doing stand-up is I took a class with my dad from a church comedian in high school like that's how I started which later on what's a church comedian like It's just a priest?

I know, you'd think, right? I mean, every youth pastor thinks they're a comedian. That's the thing. Every youth pastor comes out finger guns ablazing. And you're like, hell yeah, Pastor Ryan's giving the sermon this week. It'll be a good one. He's going to show Lord of the Rings clips and draw parallels. But not Harry Potter.

But not Harry Potter. Why? Is there a real clear? Is there a difference there? Because the author was Christian. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis are Christians. And so it was, you know, they're like, well, those are, you know, those are, like, truly, like, they're like, those are parallels. Like, Narnia was supposed to be heaven.

Yeah. So, I don't know. And then Harry Potter is like, they're like, she's a single mom. Divorce, never. But I don't know. I have no idea. But I also, I have religious family members who love Harry Potter, so. Yeah.

It's not everyone. But, yeah, I think a lot of people just wanted to make their parents laugh. growing up and whether or not they could do that is you know but yeah we took that class when I was 16 and then later on my dad was like I thought you'd write for me I didn't think you were going to do this I was like all right um but yeah I'm sure that's that's a part of it for sure your mom passed away when you were quite young can you tell us a little bit about that how did it affect the way other kids treated you how did you process it sort of at that Oh, that's an interesting question.

Well, she died over the summer, and I came back to fourth grade, and I remember standing, the first day of fourth grade, I remember standing and doing the Pledge of Allegiance and looking around it, all my classmates going, I wonder if anybody knows. Like, I wonder if anybody knows. I don't even think my teacher knew. Wow. Like, I don't think my dad or stepmom thought to call them, which I don't know. Maybe you should. I'm not sure. So I think my friends knew

But I don't know if anybody else did So and I think that probably would have been really hard During the school year To come back Because I think she died like a week or two Before the school year started Wow that is that's a shift though I mean to go back the back to school thing

Yeah That's a lot Yeah you're like I have homework My mom's dead Are you sure? Because last day I'm like trying to use it Like is anyone else Sweetie, your mom did not die.

I know. And the dog ate your homemark, I'm sure. Yeah. Taylor, you tell jokes about it. Do you ever get emotional when you, like, do you ever have to suppress emotion? And the reason I'm asking is my mom passed away, not when I was a kid, but it was like really sudden. And there's a concept that we pitch that sort of is about death. And I tell a story about her.

And I cry every time. It's like the 17th time that I've pitched it. And I was like, there's no way. Just to the industry. We haven't pitched it 17 times. Yeah. we haven't done that quite all right we're going to nail the dead mom thing we're going to nail it it's hard to nail it i just like i get really and i truly every time i'm like i don't even feel emotional

and then i'm like this is right and then i'm like three sentences and i'm like and i have to take over and talk about her dead mom not my job and the actor has to step in again we're all heroes I was re-watching your special. I'd seen it when it came out, but to prepare, and I was just struck by, like, how you got through it. And I was just wondering, like, is it ever hard? I think some of those jokes I started doing in my early 20s. So some of them I had written when I was, like, 21, and they did not work very well. They were very hit or miss.

I think because I didn't have the maturity as a performer, and I hadn't been to any therapy about it, really. So I think I just needed those years to get to a place where I really did feel okay. about it not that you're ever you're never okay and that's i think part of yeah the process is realizing this is always just going to be a wound there and some years it's going to feel more painful than others like some years you're going to be having huge milestones that you wish your parent was here for and other years it'll be a little bit easier for whatever reason um or something will trigger you or or you know whatever it is um but i i i think i was more concerned about making the audience comfort More so than I was ever worried.

I was never worried I was going to cry or break down. I was more worried that I was going to upset other people in the audience and make them feel like, oh, I'm like, feel bad for me. I didn't want anyone to feel bad for me, which is why I do the whole bit in the special about like, I'm very successful because of this. You pull up a stool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you give a whole disclaimer. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Because it really, it helped on the road, like doing that whole bit, which ended up being like six. minutes of jokes on the road over and over and over and doing them in comedy clubs like in a theater it's much easier to pull up the stool and talk to me but like in a comedy club I like I would have to time it and I would tell clubs sometimes like hey like I don't think the check drop is going to be like 15 20 minutes in but maybe just wait until I get through the dead mom stuff because if people have to listen to me talk about my mom dying and do math about how much their shitty chicken fingers were. Yeah. I just don't think

that's going to be a great gauge of how well the materials are. I was actually trying to figure out what you meant by a check drop. Oh, is when they drop the check. Yeah. And that is a moment. You have to be aware of. That's very interesting. Among the things I've thought of, it's not one. Yeah. I mean, there's no reason you should. And in a comedy

club setting, like that's what's so hard about coming up as a young headliner is like you just like lose the audience, like 40 minutes in. There's like five minutes where everybody kind of like goes their checks and if you don't know how to handle it because you're too young or inexperienced

like it can really just like bring the show to a screeching hall you toured with Conan in 2018 and he described you as being absolutely fearless and I'm wondering were you always fearless do you think it's like a product of being a young comedian like what was he referring to that he

caught on to? Honestly I have no idea I didn't get a good read on you really did I am full of fear Conan and I didn't interact much actually no I'm kidding He was so cool Tyler Timlinson He got so close

He brought me up his Lily Tomlin most nice But I appreciated the bump in credits I I think he meant on stage And on stage I think I hope I come across that way In life I don't feel that way at all I feel very anxious

And afraid and hypervigilant But on stage I think I think doing stand-up is you know sort of the only place I feel totally present and that's what I love so much about it

when I found it in high school is I was like oh my gosh this like gets me out of my head which is a fucking nightmare for however long this set is and it did give me a place to sort of be the person I wanted to be and I think the person I want to be

on stage and the person I am in real life have sort of come to meet each other much more so over the years. But I think for a long time, I was the person I wanted to be on stage and then I would get off stage and I would kind of come back down to who I actually was.

You mentioned feeling anxious and afraid. And earlier you mentioned something about social anxiety. And that made me wonder, can you recall a time? It could be in middle school, but it could also be as an adult. Can you recall a time where you felt that? Social anxiety?

Yeah. Oh, my God, how much time do I have? Every day of my whole life. right now sitting here. I, yeah, I think I, God, I mean, moving, moving in fifth grade and sixth grade really was very, very hard.

And I don't think I, I think I was painfully shy until I had like a job in a restaurant when I was 17, 18. Like, when I had to talk to people and it was just sort of like exposure therapy over and over. Like, I really had a hard time

talking to strangers. and stand-up's the same way in that you just have to go on stage over and over and over until you're not terrified anymore. But yeah, I was terrible at making friends. I mean, I've had the same friends, like two of my closest friends are friends I have been friends since middle school that I met in sixth grade. But yeah, I have very vivid memories of like walking into fifth grade, not knowing anybody, walking into sixth grade, not knowing anybody, and just feeling.

like so alone and so terrified um and i still feel that way as an adult sometimes like even just like going to clubs and the like going to the comedy store the comedy seller like i if i'm in a very anxious space it can be like it feels almost like physically painful to socialize sometimes because you're so afraid and it's silly because like nothing that bad can happen like it were somebody's like i don't care for that person but they're not going to say it to your face not anymore we're not 12 we're not brave anymore but so but at 12 like sixth grade maybe seventh grade you know you're talking about this which of course i think essentially everybody can relate to at that age um not everyone some people were killing it that's that's true i mean i think we discover

the ones who project a lot of confidence are often having something internally that we're not aware of so but anyway like all that aside i think you know if that's the way the world looked and felt to you what were some of the like beacons of light that you whether it's like i don't know were there certain books movies was it people were there role models you had one you know was there like an older person out there oh i spent a lot of time with my grandma growing up and i think that's somebody i always felt close to and felt like i wanted to be more like and i think is like very patient like that's her patience

is the biggest thing that I'm always trying to sort of adopt a little bit more because I don't think I'm inherently a very patient person seeing like Amy Polar Tina Faye like those kinds of people who are writing and creating

things and like I love their books I don't remember when those came out it feels like it was middle school high school but yeah I think I lived a lot in my head I read a lot I do you guys ever have people

who get emotional thinking about being 12? Are you kidding? Is that happened a lot? Are you kidding? That's the whole point. We're going to have tears. Yeah. It like feels bad.

It's so weird. No, because I've been thinking, I kind of thought I was like, oh, I'm like, it's perfect timing to do this show because I feel like I've been trying to get in touch with that again as an adult because I do feel like I

lost this part of me. Yeah. that I had, like, I was so miserable at that age. Like, I was really depressed and anxious and dealing with this grief that I didn't quite understand and just lonely and all these things. And I, I had, I actually, I had, my youngest sister just moved home. She was living in North Carolina for the last couple years. And I'm really close to my three younger siblings. And we just had, like, a sleepover.

It is so fun. fun. It's really sweet. It's so nice. And it's also so nice to have a close relationship with your siblings who are there for your whole childhood. So you can just go, oh my God, do you remember this? Yeah. This traumatizing fact about our childhood? Like, oh my God, did I never tell you this happened? Oh my God. And you're the oldest one. So you, yeah, that's, I don't know what that's like. It's not great. Yeah. It's not the best. Because you're the first crash test dummy and the first crash test dummy usually gets burned to a crisp, right? Like, yeah. You know. but it's I think there was something really hopeful about me when I was in middle school because

I had my whole life ahead of me and I had so much again like hope and delusion about the type of person I would be and all these things I would do and I really am all those things now like my life is everything I it's more than what I thought it could be honestly like I got to do a bunch of international dates in the last few months like I just got back from Australia and New Zealand last week. And I was like, did you ever think you were going to get paid to go to fucking Australian New Zealand? Like, do you ever think you'd be in Amsterdam? Like, oh, I'm here for work. Like, it's, it's really crazy to me. And it's, I was talking about this in therapy recently where I'm like, it just makes me sad sometimes because I can't, like,

go back and save her. And it feels like I lost part of her instead of like, like, I can't take her with me, which is strange. And I'm trying to feel like I did, but it feels like I just sort of like escaped and I can't help her escape. Yeah. Makes sense?

Yeah, it totally makes sense. It does, yeah. I have like Survivor's guilt from my younger self. Yeah. Yeah. Strange. How old were you just for,

I don't know, actually, and also for our audience, how old were you when your mom passed away? Oh, I was eight. I was like just about to turn nine, yeah. Such a tender. Oh, yeah. It was like right before, like, everything happened. You're like a year later, you get your period.

You're like, fucking really? Fucking really, God? That kind of sucks. It's the beginning of the end for me and God. I don't know who's up there, but does not have my best interests at heart. Dayland. Okay. And we'll be right back.

All right. So let's just, let's just real talk, as they say for a second. That's a little bit of an aged thing to say now. That dates me, doesn't it? But no, real talk. How important is your health to you? You know, on like a one to ten? And I don't mean in the sense of vanity.

I mean in the sense of like you want your day to go well, right? You want to be less stressed. You don't want it as sick. When you have responsibilities, I know myself. I'm a householder. I have two children and two more on the way. a spouse, a pet, you know, a job that sometimes has its demands. So I really want to feel like when I'm not getting the sleep

and I'm not getting nutrition, when my eating's down, I want to know that I'm being held down some other way physically. You know, my family holds me down emotionally, spiritually, but I need something to hold me down physically, right? And so honestly, I turned to symbiotica, these vitamins and these beautiful little packets that they taste delicious. And I'm telling you, even before I started doing ads for these guys,

It was a product that I really, really liked and enjoyed and could see the differences with. The three that I use, I use the, what is it called, liposomal vitamin C, and it tastes delicious, like really, really good. Comes out in a packet, you put it right in your mouth. Some people don't do that. I do it. I think it tastes great. I use the liposomal glutathione as well in the morning, really good for gut health.

And although I don't need it, you know, anti-aging. And then I also use the magnesium L3 and 8, which is really good for, for, I think, mood and stress. I sometimes use it in the morning, sometimes use it at night. All three of these things taste incredible. Honestly, you don't even need to mix it with water. And, yeah, I just couldn't recommend them highly enough. If you want to try them out, go to symbiotica.com slash podcrushed for 20% off plus free shipping. That's symbiotica.com slash podcrushed for 20% off plus free shipping.

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And Podcrush listeners can get an exclusive 20% off IXL memberships when they sign up today at IXL.com slash podcrushed. Visit ixl.com slash podcrushed to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. What you're describing here about someone who wants to escape. And by the way, that really resonates with me. Actually, the years from about 12 to 20 are my darkest. Absolutely. Like, absolutely. And I was living in Hollywood and doing that thing, building that up. And you feel that too? Like now as an adult where you're like, oh, I'm everything I wanted to be? Well, yeah.

I think, yeah. I mean, I started to succeed in a very, like, frothy way very early on that was maybe never going to be, it never had the potential to, like, really artistically satisfy me.

So therefore... Gossip Girl wasn't artistically said? We can't talk about it. We're a sagstrike. He's not by name. No, no, no, no, no. No, no. The longest she's ever been there to be a sagstrike strike. Yeah, now I can finally not

I'm free bleep it out bleep it out No, I don't even really remember the question at this point I don't want to talk about myself so much But I think the point is, is like Were you conscious of the fact Like an absence of female role models

Did you feel that? And then the fact that you had to be one for your sisters I would imagine is a significant dynamic Yeah, I think so I mean I was talking to my sisters and my brother about this this week Where I was like, this is I'm like, I'm not saying that this was

any of you put this on me ever because they don't but there is a difference between the way they interact with each other and the way I interact with them and my sister who's the closest in age to me I think... What is that difference?

My youngest sister is six years younger than me and it's four years younger than two it's every two years. Okay. Yeah so I have a paternal instinct towards them that I just know that they've recently started to go yeah no we don't understand that because like and it was really interesting this week to talk to my sister about it who was very impressed I was coming on this podcast by the way so thank you for that oh um she was like she was two when it happened she was like two and three and

I was like do you do you remember like me like reading to you guys after she died like do you remember like when we'd be home alone and we'd have dance parties like do you remember that my brother's like I remember that and my sister's like I don't I don't really remember that and I was so sad because those were the bright spots in my childhood like my siblings were the bright spots in my childhood like my sister who's closest in age to me I think has we talked about this recently she came to Europe with me and like felt emotionally responsible for all of us and I've felt like I was responsible to keep everybody safe. You know, like, just, I'm like, everybody, nobody get hurt.

Like, I felt very, very nervous that something was going to happen to them and still do all the time. Like, it's just constantly humming underneath everything to the point where I don't know that if, I don't know that I could have kids of my own at this point just because I'm, like, already on overload in that way. Yeah. The sibling relationship is so precious, especially if you go through. through a loss like that.

Yeah, but it sort of makes it, it makes it really close and special to have that bond when you're going through that. And I do think we all would have been close, even if that hadn't happened to us. Yeah. But to have something like that happened to not, like none of us have a relationship with my dad as adults and to have each other to. kind of go like over the details of your childhood and have that support and and making those difficult decisions as adults like it's I know how rare it is and I know how precious it is and I have

a lot of people in my life who are like I can't imagine being that close to my siblings like I don't think it's the norm and I'm really really grateful for it yeah I don't know if we'll include this but my cousin has two kids and her daughter she has a 10 year old and a 8 7 year old and her daughter who's 10 passed away just a few days ago yeah said it very suddenly and of course like you know for a parent to lose a child seems like the most horrific thing that a person can go through especially so young a 10 year old but i just keep thinking about her brother her 7 year old brother because he now he had a sister he had like the best playmate and now he doesn't and what does that look like to go through

also at 7 when I look back on my life and I try to think of memories pre 7 it's like very few they're foggy and so what is that what does that life look like at that point I think it's really special to have siblings

especially when you have to go through when you experience trauma The older I get, the worst I feel for my aunt and uncle, because I think losing a sibling is truly something you cannot replace in any way. Like, it is so, so devastating. Like, I can't imagine losing one of my siblings. Like, it's stressing me out to even talk about it. You know, it's funny, we actually have another concept that we've been pitching about the loss of a sibling.

So maybe we should just pack it up. How many people have passed on it? 17. Do you mean died or passed on the... It's true. I should clarify. Which kind of... Wait.

Is this too dark? I'm like... I don't think so at all. No. This is... We're right in the pot right here. Okay, good. I'm like, Podcrush is such a fun name.

Yeah. And I'm just like... She's like, why do I feel so... And look at the pink outline. I was going to say. And that's fucking gossiping like they're in the middle. I know. To use your word, frothy.

Yeah. It's a frothy pick. Fenn is going to go cry in a moment. One of those years are over. We also might not use it and I'm probably going to cry to try to get through this. But the podcast was initially sort of my conception. So, you know, I've been thinking about it for a long time. But I was like, of course, you had to say it.

You had some time impressed Taylor. Also her idea to put me in the middle. Well, that's just, you know. It's just fine. You're the tallest. You're supposed to put the one who's tallest or shortest in the middle. Okay. Right. That's just right. Did I save it? No, you did. You're welcome. Thank you, Taylor. But, and so, you know, people will say, like, I've been thinking about that time in my life. I guess we'll come on. And I realized the other day, Penn was at my house, that I just haven't really been thinking about the period of time beyond, like, surface level stories. But he asked me a question. I'm going to cry. I don't think I can finish it.

Is it about, is it in the wake of your mom or was it something else? No, it's like something that came up recently and you asked me a question like, where does this trauma stem from? And I was like, fucking pod crush, like the middle school years. And I was like, oh, I like really haven't gone there. Like, even though we have this show that's. Yeah. So I appreciate what you were saying. Sorry.

We're actually just the last episode we're ever recording. We're realizing this is terrible. You know what? The strike is probably a good time to. This is. I'm you guys Still a little bit jet lag I'm flying out tonight

Can I go back to Australia? Oh my god I'm jet lag pens Pre red eye This is not This is not acceptable I feel This is great

I don't remember this from the Kelly Clarkson episode Kelly Clarkson episode was pretty fun She was on a press tour She had the walls up She was just Full speed ahead. He's like, yeah, yo,

I see that question? I'm just going this way. Okay? So actually she was really doing great. She's like, and that's what divorce is like, anyway. I'm going to go sing in a coffee shop. Okay? Flash him up. Flash y'all later. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I'm really, oh, God. This is a hard thing, too, about being a comedian is like, this is how stand-ups talk to each other. Like, we just kind of go in and out of, like, the most traumatic thing ever. And then, like, isn't this fun? I mean, I'm having a great time, but I keep remembering it's being recorded. Well, no, we're very good about that, and I just want you to know, I'm just throwing out there.

I've been processing some early life events recently where I'm to the point where when somebody asks me how I am, I'm just like, you know, because it's like either I just keep the normal lie up, which is like, you know, it's just the most appropriate thing to do. But then there's a frustration and alienation when it's like, I wish I could be honest about how much pain I'm in. Yeah, that's why every time someone asked me, how are you doing, I lean in and I go, Do you really want to know? Refer to my three specials. That's his least favorite questions. Really? He was just something the other day.

He hates some people ask him, how are you? Because nobody wants to know the real answer. It's like, how much time do you have? Yeah. Yeah. It really is. So now let's just move to, like, again, the title, the pink outline. Frosty.

Tell us about, you know, like either a really embarrassing story or when I ask it, it doesn't sound like a great idea, does it? Usually not the... We ask every guest to share an embarrassing story from that time. Or like something awkward, but funny. Just like when you think of the emoji, it's like... Oh, yeah. Like that. When I was in seventh grade, I was in six or seven... I think I was in sixth grade.

I was in band. Not to brag. I know. Sorry. What instrument? I played clarinet for five or six years, and then I played trumpet for two. Yeah, I was so bad For that long

I have no Well my dad forced us to play instruments for a while Because he Talk choir And he was like you guys need to know how to read music And that's what did it And that's what did it And all my friends were in band

By the time I went to high school So I was like I guess I'll just keep doing band But every year in middle school The band would go to Disneyland and like play there was some sort of thing that they did with middle schools where middle school bands would come and play during the day and then you'd just be at Disneyland the rest of the day and I remember we were waiting in line me and my friends were waiting in line at some some place to get like burgers or something and I don't know why I did this I like to this day

I'm like what was going through your head there was a packet of mustard on the ground and I decided to be funny I guess I decided to like run up and jump on it and I think I thought it would spray the direction people were not and it sprayed the direction people were and I got mustard on a bunch of

strangers and it was a long line and I had to just sort of go and retreat and sit at a table behind a bush and I remember feeling so terrible because it's also like you did something to people that they now have to do

with the consequences of all day I just remember going, why did you even do that? And then my friends called me mustard for the rest of middle school. You know, it's funny, I'm on the opposite side of that. The same thing happened, but... So I was wearing a fleece vest. I remember it so well. I haven't thought of this since the time.

But it was mayonnaise. Really? So you jumped on a packet of mayonnaise? No, someone else did. And I was standing in line at lunch. And at this point, I was a short, chubby kid. Because I was also younger than the rest of them. and I was wearing, like, a vest that fit very awkwardly, I just remember, because, like, and I was kind of sense that, I don't remember everything that I remember being, like, like, this is the vest.

You know, it's like, and, and I'm smelling that, because fleece, think of the material fleas, and think of mayonnaise, and put them together and let them sit for a couple of hours. Oh. You know, like, it was, it was, it was really, it was, it was, it was so subtly humiliating, you know, because it was like that happened. And then I remember the kid just being like, oh, and then just like probably going, sitting behind a fucking bush. Was the kid embarrassed? They should have been. I don't know. I don't remember that.

All I can remember is my embarrassment. That's just when the narcissism went, it was just when it was. I don't know why I'm like, but did you feel bad? You're an attacker? because that's sort of who I was in the story. Yeah, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like, oh, that was actually, I'm probably not the one I should be concerned about. No, no, no. No, no.

It was cute that you felt embarrassed. It means you really cared for, I felt so bad. Yeah. Don't jump on a condiment packet unless you have no conscience for any kids listening. We have another classic question we ask everyone. Okay. Just to share about their first crush or love and their first heartbreak. Does it have to be from that time?

No, it can be whenever your first was. Remember my first crush was? I had a crush on a kid, and I don't know why I remember his name. I had a crush on a kid named Bruce in kindergarten. It's like a strong name for a five-year-olds. It is, right? It's an intense name for a five-year-olds. And he had a bowl cut, and I loved him so much.

And I don't know why, I guess because I had a crush on him for two years. I would pick somebody, and I would just have a crush on that one person for, like, years. Like, I had a crush on Bruce for kindergarten and first grade. Then I had a crush on Curtis for like two through four. And then I had a crush on Ryan. Like it's all just in like year increments. And yeah, I don't know why that is. Did you ever start talking to them?

The kid I had a crush on in sixth and seventh grade. I like finally dated in eighth grade. And to this day, that accomplishment feels better than any achievement that I've ever achieved. For like two years. And I only liked him because he was. really tall and I was this high I was this high I just was an early bloomer I was this height and size in fifth grade and looked older than everybody else and I remember I got to sixth grade and I was like that guy's tall that's who I like didn't know anything about him

and then in sixth grade we like again I'm doing air quotes for anybody listening and doesn't think I himself where we like dated for eighth grade and I was like I did it you know when you like believe in manifesting you're like I can do anything with my mind it's all here for me I am the main character. And, yeah, and then had, like, no romantic prospects in high school at all. Like, nothing happened again until college. And was college your first heartbreak? Yeah, I think so.

I think my college boyfriend, like, I think about that girl a lot where I'm like, that, that, like, took something from me, I think. Like, do you feel that way about your first heartbreak? We're like, I am forever changed. I don't know who I would have been if that hadn't happened to me. but I some part of me like there's some part of me that just in the same way when you have kids I'm sure like a part of you lights up like a level of love that you didn't have before after the first heartbreak there is just a room in your brain and her heart that I feel like they go shut it down like we're never going to open it again like it just I'm like I'll never love someone that vulnerably ever again possibly so then you know you're 19 so you're just just like, oh, I'm like, this is the worst thing that will ever happen. And it might be. Hopefully, because then it's behind you.

Right, yeah. And then you have a minute and you're like, your mom's dead. You're like, oh, that's right. That's right. No. Yeah, it's been worse. Yeah, maybe it's fine if Jake doesn't like you anymore. Yeah.

You've survived worse things. I like that you, I think you may have named them all. I changed the last one's name. Okay. That's how bad the heartbreak was. I was like, you get no air time, sir. His parents just came. do a show of mine. They still come to shows. What was that like? Um, I didn't see them

because I didn't have time, but his mom still. You also wanted to punish him through them. Yes, exactly. I just, I didn't even do well that night just to go, you're going to have a bad evening out. Um, no, they, they're, they've always come to shows what I'm in. It's really sweet. That's cute. Stick around. We'll be right back. In the late 90s and early 2000s, Asian women were often reduced to overtly sexual and submissive caricatures. The geishas of the book-turned film Memoirs of a Geisha, the lewd twins in Austin Powers, and pin-up goddess Sung Healy. Meanwhile, the girls next door were always white. Within that narrow framework, Kyla Yu internalized a painful conclusion. The only way someone

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That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash podcrushed to get free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash podcrushed. What was your first show like? Do you remember? Oh, my first show. It was like a class graduation show in like a classroom at a church. So, you know. So it was great.

Did you make Bible jokes? Like what kind of jokes do you make at a church graduation? I mean, I actually don't think I made any Bible jokes. The only real Bible joke I ever did, I actually did on my first Conan, I think, which was about, like, abstinence. And how I was afraid every time I missed my period, I was carrying the Messiah. I was talking to someone recently who had that fear. Yeah. They legitimately had that fear?

No, like they were talking about when they were a kid, they had this fear that they had this fear that they. were going to be carrying like a child. Yeah. Which is crazy to think that you'd get picked for that. I'm saying, well, somebody has to.

I mean, someone has to do it, right? Someone has to fall on that sword. Hey-oh. Hey-oh. So you started in church and then you got kicked out of the church because of a tweet that you... Is that accurate?

Uh-huh. Yeah, I tweeted a joke that also ended up of my first Conan. So suck it, Lord. I, the name of my next special Fuck it, Lord. I was 21, maybe. 21, 22.

And I was still doing churches every once in a while because I had gone on last comic standing when I was 21. And I got some church gigs and they were a lot of money. And you're like, okay, I got to do these to survive. And I was opening for a really big church comedian. And I remember the tweet was a joke I do on. which is like I'm I'm a wild animal in bed way more afraid of you than you are of me. That's a great joke.

It's a great joke. I actually love that. Thank you. It's a great joke. It's innuendo at best. Yeah. And I remember they called me and we're like, hey, like we think you're great, but we, you know, a lot of our fans are homeschooled Christians. So you can't come on any of these dates anymore.

And I was like, all right. Like, I actually don't think I was like, all right. I think I cried because I've never been. fired from anything and as like a good kid i felt really bad about it i felt like i had done something wrong and then i just got angry and i was like i never fucking want to feel this way again and i had already been feeling sort of bad because i didn't think i was religious anymore and i was still holding on to the hope that maybe i was and i would like come up because i was like uh and i had since my mom died i had just never really felt like i was like i don't know if christianity's like

it for me like this i don't feel the way everyone else feels about this and i was holding on to it because i didn't want my whole family to like reject me if i was this dirty comedian or something and they have not only certain people and um but for the most part my family is not they're very supportive um and i was i told my manager i was like don't even bring me church offers and like i think they brought me a couple and i was like i mean it like i don't care what the money is like do not bring these to me because they want they want a certain type of person they want like a squeaky clean church person and I'm not that person and it's actually dishonest for me to go perform at these places and and lead them to believe that I am because that's not what they want they want

they want like a 50 year old dad who goes to church every week and has kids and only talks about and who's definitely squeaky clean yeah and he's definitely squeaky clean 100% of the time and I want to talk about other stuff like I want to talk about darker things I want to talk about losing my mom. I want to talk about, you know, sexual experience. Like, I want to talk about all this stuff. And I'm so glad I did that, even though I did like eight cruise ships in the next year to make up for it financially. But yeah, I really, I'm so glad I did not stay in that world at all. Yeah. Do you feel like when you're on stage doing stand-up that you kind of become, that you can keep it together

or has there ever been something that's happened that's been embarrassing like on for you on stage? No, never. Not one time. Can you tell us? Pretty much been killing it from day one.

Next question. Well, I feel like sometimes I would imagine that when you're on stage you kind of like maybe dissociate a little bit and you're not, but no. No, no. I've felt embarrassed before. Yeah.

Oh, 100%. I feel like it's like insane to do it. It's like an insane. I got to say it's like it's insane to do it. It's even insane. saying to go see it when you don't know if it's going to be good I have the utmost admiration and respect

for y'all who make it, for who do it, and then make it because I just find both sides of it. I'm like, unless I know I'm going to get that particular thing that I love, like whoo, everybody's in for a journey together. Yeah, yeah, it's a lot. And I've I go through even sort of like seasons of it on the road now where I'll get very

freaked out on stage it happened in the last six months where I had a couple weeks where I was just waiting to go on stage like there's 3,500 people just sitting in seats looking at you and if you fuck up it's entirely on you yeah that they wasted money wasted time yeah I'm like what do you do it like there's there was like a part of me that started screaming that was like what the fuck are you doing like run like what are you doing and you just have to push through it and go like no I know how to do this it's fine I know how to do this because you do um I know the first show I did in Australia I messed up a joke because you know if you say the wrong word at the wrong time like that blows the punchline yeah and I was just so jet lagged and sort of like

it's you know it's like a 17 hour time difference yeah and I messed up a joke really early on and I just sort of crumpled and was like you guys I'm so tired I'm sorry I just I know I I looked at like find my friends on my phone and everyone I care about so far away and I just like I had a little bit of a moment but you know afterward I got off stage and I was like that was rough and everyone's like no no no it was funny

the way you crumpled right yeah but yeah there's always I actually I was doing shows in San Diego the last few nights there's this club there called Mike Drop that is great and they have two rooms and one of the rooms is like 40 to 50 people

It's like a really small room and I asked them if I could do some like workout shows where I just work on new material and so I did that the last three nights and Tuesday and Thursday were awesome everybody was great everybody kind of knew what it was you know they didn't laugh at everything

because a lot of it wasn't good but they were really supportive and like there for the process like where they were like we want to see work on something this is cool and the middle crowd the crowd on Wednesday was so weird And I just felt like I was bombing for an hour It felt like middle school

It felt like people talking about you In front of you Like there was a girl in the front Who I'd go like, I'm sorry guys I told you guys this wasn't to be very good I appreciate you guys being here And there was a girl in the room I was like, you got it

I was like She was like 25 I'm like You're stuck Have you been Have you had a special? Yeah exactly I'm like last I checked

You were Had no credits but I got off stage and I went in the green room and I was like I guess I suck it that like that was really rough and the manager was like no they were like rude to the staff before the show like they were like that was a rude crowd like they were like there was some like weird like single ticket like kind of like creepy guys like they were like that was the vibes in there were off like it wasn't just you like and I was like okay well then that makes me feel a lot better because

because I just, I also, like, I did some crowd work, and people were saying some wild things where I was talking to a couple about them being in a fight and they were like, well, she called me a slur. And I was like, oh, my God, okay, we're just going to move on. I cannot deal with them. Not going to make a joke about that. Oh, it was so weird. Some girl admitted to, like, hitting her boyfriend. And I was like, you guys are, I don't know what's happening in here, but you shouldn't be sharing these things. Like, you should be, I don't know.

like talking to the authorities like or in therapy at the very least like it was just a weird but in the moment I couldn't tell if it was my fault or that it was genuinely like a weird crowd because I never want to be the comedian who's like they socked

like you know like their fault their fault and it was also like I was challenging myself not to do material that I know works I was like and in the middle I was panicking and I was like just do your hour just do the hour of material you know

works that you're doing on the road that you're doing in theaters and I was like don't waste your time I'm like don't let your ego win here and go I need to crush right now like yeah just work on the new stuff and use this time to be productive even if it feels bad and you're crashing and burning guys I feel like I'm hogging it but I want to ask one more question and then obviously you know you should ask you've talked about um you've talked pretty openly about your bipolar diagnosis and I'm wondering how did it feel when you got the diagnosis and does it change like do you think back on if you had had it earlier would it have changed your life oh yeah I wish I'd gotten it earlier oh my god I think that would have changed so many things for better or worse

um when I when I first when we first figured it out it is it really like it is in your it really is yeah like you figured it out kind of like in the room what it kind of it what happened was if it looks like a duck Walks like a duck Well, what happened was I had had What I now know was like a hypomanic episode And

I was talking to my therapist The week after All this stuff had happened And she goes It sounds like you had like a little bit of hypomania going on And I was like, what was that? You can't just say a new word And not explain that

She goes, oh I don't want you to freak out Like it's only Yeah, she's like it's fine And she's like, it's only an issue if it lasts, like, more than four days. And I was like, oh, that was like a week and a half of that. Like, that was like a couple weeks. And she was like, oh, then we should probably talk to your psychiatrist. And I remember I talked to my psychiatrist, and I had a really hard time.

And she was like, she goes, well, she goes, you're very, like, high functioning. She's like, you haven't, she goes, I only see you every few months. And I didn't realize because you're. But I was on the medications they use for bipolar, but they also use it for a bunch of different things. Like everything they use for like five different things. So you're like, yeah, it could be anxiety and depression or it could be bipolar. Like, who really knows? And as I went back through my 20s, I was able to see these periods of what just felt like rocket fuel that I was like on top of the world, like that was just what hypomania is.

It's like this very intense, like it's very hard on your body. really sleep and you feel like you're destined for greatness and you feel like you're incredible and you feel very attractive and you feel like everything's like a sign and it's just like this amazing thing but then you crash and have a depressive episode afterward and I had just been doing this exhausting cycle for years and I had only been when we figured out that it was bipolar I had only been on medication for about a year and it had made a big it had made a big difference but I needed like double the dose we figured out and that's made a huge difference but I was actually when I first found out I was really ashamed and then I was really ashamed that I was ashamed like I was really embarrassed that I was embarrassed I was like wow you think you're this open minded person who like I have friends that are bipolar like I know you know look up to people who are bipolar and I thought like something like that wouldn't affect me and the thing I say say in the special, I totally took from my psychiatrist, which is something she said to me,

which was just like, she's like, it's just information. She's like, this is a good thing. It's just information that helps us figure out how to better take care of you. And that's why I wanted to start talking about it on stage, because it was the most significant thing that was happening in my life. And I was like, I want other people to feel okay about this. And if, and I did the thing where I looked up, like, who has it, you know? And that did make me feel better when I saw successful people who had dealt with it or were dealing with it. And I had a friend who had told me that they were bipolar like the year before. And I was like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that. Like, you're the most level-headed person I know. Like, I've never seen any sort of fluctuation in your

mood. And that really helped too, just knowing that. And I was so nervous to talk about it in a special. Like, I felt great about that material. And we recorded it. And then about two weeks before that special came out I was like what did you do so I'm like you can't undo that like everybody knows that about you now like what were you thinking it's too late and then it came out and I got so much positive feedback from people who were like this made me feel better this may feel less alone that I was like oh thank God and it it's just been a non-issue because I know how to take care of myself now like I know what medication I need I know what signs to look out for like I am so much better as a person because of it.

And I do wish I had found out sooner because, you know, 25, like the six months before I filmed my first special were like the worst of my life. Like they were, that summer before I filmed it was horrendous. Like it's what me, it's what got me into see a psychiatrist because I was just like hitting the lowest low while my career was at the highest high. But yeah, I do, I do wish that I had found out sooner. um just to have spared myself some some pain and maybe could have been not so hard on myself yeah that's incredible i guess what i'm hearing is is is it it sounds like a challenge to to be doing

what you're doing because if because it threatens to like magnify and exacerbate and i just and i just wonder if you've had like touch points people support people like around you in specifically who kind of know what it's like to go through it oh yeah i think a lot of comics deal with mental health issues like i think most comics do i think most everyone deals with like depression and anxiety and various things i just did uh laura bites as a comic she has a new podcast and we were talking about being bipolar i think she's bipolar one and i'm bipolar too and she the differences of that even and um i remember there was once maybe i was like 23 24 i was supposed to go to like florida the next day and and do a club or a college or something

and I went to do the improv and I just like couldn't stop crying couldn't get out of my car and just had to like cancel and go home and then like say I was sick and couldn't go to do this show the next day and couldn't get on a plane like like you so much of this business

no matter what area of it you're in is figuring out how to not go so hard that you burn yourself out where you can't do anything and you just have to cancel stuff and it's hard because there are times in your career that you do have to push it and you do have to be on and just like grind as it were and then there are times that you can be quieter and give yourself that space to rest but yeah I don't know I think it's I do think it's something that a lot of comics deal with and struggle with and navigate and you know there's an argument to be made that performing is just isn't very healthy. It's like not very healthy to have this much attention on you, to be on camera as much, to look at yourself this much. Like, I have friends who like got off of social media.

They're like, I deleted my Instagram because they're a lawyer and they can. And I'm like, that's incredible. And they're like, yeah, I never think about posting. Like, I don't, they don't take pictures when we're together. And I'm like, but where's the content? Like, it's just this constant thing. Like, especially stand up now, you have to get clips. Like, it's just like, constant self-promotion and self-focused and it's I don't know that it's the best healthiest thing especially for a good point yeah

especially for individuals of mental health issues yeah yeah cool yeah Taylor pod crush do you feel crushed I do feel crushed by this pod that's what you should tell me that's how you should start this job prepare to be pod crush

That should be like the intro It really should. Welcome to hell. I detect a waiver in your voice. Could you just go deeper there? No, we're not going to move on. You haven't cried yet, Taylor. Let's talk about your dead mom.

Where's your childhood wound? Taylor. We have a final question. We ask every guest. If you could go back to 12-year-old Taylor, spend a little time with her. What would you do? What would you say?

Honestly, and I thought about this, because again, I listened to Kelly Clarkson. episode. It's just one. Which is not a good example. Don't overstate. I know. This was intense. I was not prepared for this. I'm going to go home and lie down.

If I could go back to 12-year-old me, I honestly, I'm not going to cry. Fuck you. I think I'd like just hug her. Yeah. I love that. Like that's such a sad. No. Like that's really what I think I'd do.

Like, I think I'd just be like, I'm, I fucking can't believe you. I'm not going to cry. I really think I would just say, like, it's going to be fine. Like, I'm sure this is what everybody says, but I'd say, you're not going to think about middle school or high school when you're an adult. It doesn't matter. It's okay. Just, like, watch movies and read books and be creative and write and don't think about who's, you know, saying what about you like just

you know just you're going to get out of here like everything that's happening to you right now it's going to get so much better and like I'm so sorry I wish I could stay but I'm a time traveler Are you saying that to us?

No I would say that's a young man I would say I don't belong here in this timeline and this is when you get sucked up like trying more into the sky when that guy from Gossip Girl invites you on his podcast say no You're going to get an invitation from podcrushed. It sounds fun. Turn it down.

It sounds silly. It sounds like you're going to talk about crushes, and you do for about three minutes. You know how you never want to relive what you're currently living? I know how to make that happen. Ignore that. You can keep up with Taylor Tomlinson online at Taylor Tomlinson, and you can buy tickets to her Have It All stand-up tour. at WWW. Are we really using

WWWs? HCTP, colon, backside, backslash. If you plug the modem in, no, it's just above, it's on your wall, right? Now, Taylor Tomlinson.com slash shows. She's going to be at Radio City Music Call September 9 and 10th. 9th and 10th. This is a dumb question We can swear and stuff, right?

Yeah. Okay. Somehow everybody asks us, which means we're too puritanical. I think it's being here. Yeah, like a professional... It seems like you're on radio. Studio, yes. Yeah, that's what it is.

Yeah, radio is dead. Don't tell them. Stitcher.