Podiots - Podiots: Episode 140 – Ploppelganger

Episode Date: March 3, 2024

Peter's found a medieval joke book, Mikey's got a potty mouthed parrot and Ben takes use to a poo-seum Donate £3 or more to get a shoutout and join the Pod Squad! - https://podiots.com/ Visit our shop FOR BRAND NEW MERCH! - https://vidiotsofficial.com/shop ------------------- Subscribe for more and TELL YOUR FRIENDS! Support Ben and Peter: https://www.youtube.com/teamtriplejump YouTube: https://youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Podiots: https://vidiotsofficial.com Pod Squad: https://podiots.com Shop: https://vidiotsofficial.com/shop Twitch: https://twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord: https://vidiotsofficial.com/discord/ Site: https://vidiotsofficial.com/ Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pickax Something weird happened to me today I had a couple of hours off work in the morning and when I was heading into the office I was walking along and there was this guy coming the other direction from me and he looked a lot like me and was wearing very similar clothes right

so I just thought oh that's really weird He looks so much like me. And I guess that happens maybe a few times in your life. It's not super out of the ordinary on its own. But he looked enough like me that I was kind of sort of watching. I was far enough away that he didn't notice. But I was kind of like looking at him as we passed each other. I was on like coming off Northumberland Street.

So it's quite broad. But then from behind me, this woman went, he does, doesn't he? And I turned around. I didn't even hear what she said. Well, I thought I heard what she said, but I was like, what did she say? And I went, sorry. And she went, you proper looks like you. And that was it.

And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah. So she knew. You should have gotten a photo. Yeah, I should have, I should have got a photo. She knew I was looking at him thinking, he looks like me. And felt the need to confirm my suspicions. So at least I know I'm not, I know I'm not going mad. You found your doppel peter.

Yes, I did. Whenever you need to take a day off, you can just get doppel, Doppler in and get them to present the best games ever, and there you go. Sounds good. I think, Ben, you've got a lot of doffle gangers out there. That's true, actually.

Oh, yeah, varying qualities. It's about time, I found mine. It's a very simple fit for me. Have you ever found a doppel ganger of yourself, a Johnson ganger? Yeah, well, not personally, but many, many years ago, I had some friends who went to a gig at the O2 in Leeds, and they sent me a picture of one of the security guards, and, like, I shit you not, it is a complete, complete mirror of me in every way.

Oh my gosh. The hair is the same, like the builder's the same, like genuinely kind of scary to look at. I'll have to see if I can dig that up. I'm not going to put that online because that's just a random, innocent man, but for you boys. For those at home, imagine someone who looks just like me. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Oh, God. We should hunt these people down and make them do pottyets for a while. Yeah, that would be nice. Have you ever found one in the wild, Ben? Or is it just people sending you photos of blonde celebrities? Not in the wild. I suppose the closest I've come. I'm looking at photos now.

There's a wrestler called Yearn Simmons. And it's only specific photos of specific angles of him, where he shares a number of facial features with me. He is blonde, and he does have a beard. So there's two things ticked. off. But there's like in some images he sort of looks like me. I'll put an image in the chat.

See what you guys think. This is one that looks a bit more like me, but I think he's bold now and maybe doesn't have a beard. I see what you're saying, yeah. There's like certain parts of his face that look like certain parts

of my face, but that's sort of yeah, that's it. No, you're right actually. Yeah, there's little details there. It's not just like a general hint of Ben, there's actual bits of you in there, I think. There's some of my DNA in that man, and you can quote me on that. Yes. There's another one, a profile.

I don't know. He's much more physically impressive than I have, but, you know, facially, some similarities. And, hey, is he any good at hosting podcasts? Probably not. I bet he's shit at, no, actually, there's photos of him streaming. I bet he's charismatic as well. Oh, no. God's sake.

He's got everything. This would be terrible. Find our doppelgang isn't the better than us all when you get replaced. Yeah. I'll tell you what, I'll reach out to him and I'll say, hey, do you fancy hosting a comedy podcast? And if he says yes, then you can deal with a yearn going forwards. And I'll wrestle, I suppose.

I'm sure I'm just as qualified to do that as he is to do this. So, yeah. Simple, isn't it? Perhaps the real question, though. Well, yeah, you should know. You should. I think you could handle it. But the real question, though, I think, is, does Kevin have a doppelganger? Oh.

Kevin is an inimitable. Oh, why did I choose the most? It's a hard different. Unimitable. There we go. He's one of a client, truly, in every way. He's, yeah, I think that's probably best for the world. We don't need too many Kevin's sitting in a place. Would it be a doppelganger? Because he's sort of, he's part man, part machine.

I don't know. And he makes noise. I don't... Can we do better than that? No. No, I don't think we can. No? All right. Kevin? Go on.

Play that funky music, white boy. Hello, everybody, and welcome to Pottie. It's the official vidiates podcast. It's a conversational podcast where we take some things from you at home and obey the law of the third. Three urs, where everybody brings a thing along to talk about. I'm Ben. I'm Peter.

And I'm Michael. Did I say everybody brings, like, that we take some things from you at home? Did I do that? To be fair, we do at this point. I think you've been saying we take questions from you at home for the past, even since we changed it. It just felt wrong? It felt wrong not to say questions, but this week I auto-corrected myself to things. It's not wrong

More right than wrong After like Extra right After like five years of saying it I think you're allowed Of grace period Of still saying questions It's a very bedded inhabit at this point

Yeah I think so How you doing Michael Johnson? I'm doing ruddy Fantastic It's Ruddy Ruddy

What does that mean? Bloody It means bloody doesn't it Ruddy Yeah Fucking great I'm doing bloody great Got a new bike

It's how Scooby-Doo says Bloody I think. That's where it comes from. You got new bike? I got a new bike. Yeah. Oh, that's exciting.

I got some new wheels. I took it out of the weekend. I had a little spin on a mountain bike trail. And then have you done some stunts? Mad, mad stunes. Like, I went on like an easier bit of it and totally unprepared for what was ahead of me and didn't slow down in time and went over a little hill and nearly stacked it into

into some bushes. So that won't be up, but. Nice, it's good. I like it. So it goes fast then. It was real fast. Oh, so fast. Fast than you, Ben, I think, actually.

Whoa. That's pretty fast. I don't want to stand in your territory, but you've got a new fast boy in town. That's okay. You take it. It's a burden being this fast all the time. I'm happy to take on the mantle. How are you both doing?

What's new? What's the goss? What is the goss, Peter? What's the goss? I'm not sure. Is there any goss? Is that Ryan Gosling? Is that what they're calling Ryan Gosling these days?

The Goss. Yeah, they might be. The Goss. I think this is my first polly. It's after being in Amsterdam. Oh, yeah. I was blazing it 24-7, bro. Oh, yeah.

I mean, end-to-end, just weed. That's what it was. No, not at all. Tokemaster. It was just museums or museum, or museum, if you want to pluralize it in an incorrect way. I don't. I don't want to pluralize it. No.

Where was your favorite museum? Do you go to any weird ones or it was just like the... No, we didn't actually. We were only in Amsterdam for a day and that is where I think some of the weirder museums are. There's the Sex Museum and I think, I can't even think what the other one was. We saw another weird museum on the map

and then we went to Leiden, which is a nearby city and is slightly more level-headed, I found. People were still blazing up in the street, but, you know, No red light district. There's nice English tourists screaming in the street. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, still plenty of them, but yeah, not as many. So that was nice. Lovely. That does sound nice. I need to go to Amsterdam again. Blaze it up, you know. I love blazing 24. Yeah.

7, 420 and that. So one day, maybe. But so no blazing for you. No, that was a good boy. Oh, well done. The queen will know. She will. Especially now.

She sees everything from where she is. She does. She's omniscient. Be careful. She's fucking watching you. She is. Right now. All of you are at home listening.

You know, she's looking at you. She's watching you. When you turn the podcast off and go and have a cheeky little, little session somewhere, she's watching. She knows what you're doing. Yes, she is. She knows when you're awake. Yeah. She knows when you've been bad or good.

You've got to watch out. You've got to watch out. You've got to watch out. Well, if we were somehow caught by the queen, we'd probably have quite hefty legal fees because she's litigious, is our dear, dear dead Liz. Liz Tidges. Liz Tidges, exactly. So if you were to want to contribute potentially, you don't have to, but if you wanted to help us

cover our legal fees, then you would have to go to pottyets.com. And if you went to pottyets.com and donated three pounds or more, you'd not only help us with our legal fees, but you'd also support what we do. here and get a shout-out at the beginning and the end of the next podcast. Mikey, are you going to kick us off this week? Oh, you're darn too. And we're starting strong. Our legal fees are almost covered by one vowel from Shira, who was very generous.

Thank you. Thank you. And they say, kiss, keys, keys. Keeps, keys. Thank you. Hope you married. Yeah. We continue with Anonymous.

Anonymous. Anonymous. I always said Anonymous mouse there, but that's not what it says. to try and backpedal. Anonymous, there we go. Frogly, Donak, 07, Lord Forgot to Donatevich, Dr Goblin, Stephen Scores, and Caroline, we need to talk. I'm pregnant, is the next one.

I assume they go to get them. Oh, no. We also have, Wered, wrote a song for Caroline, Bob Marley's Dog Army, Kermit the Pog, Caroline where is Kevin Scooby-Duby D's nuts Daniel Druff She

Hon on Macack Till I shoo Does that mean anything to you I mean Oh It's like Hon do you

You know when you're sleeping You go hon shoe shoe Oh right Oh yeah But it's like she She you know It's pure I'm Right I see

I get it It's sex humor It is And we also have Neil Poo Canaan's. Brilliant. Finally, we've got Big Shart,

oh, Neil Poo Cannon's Big Shart Attack. Amazing. Cumberina, pussy in Bio, torso Evans, Dave Benson's Dildo Carret. Oh, God.

Yeah. Do you want to catch us up on that, please? Peter, you were studying this with interest. Yeah, Dave Benson Phillips posted a video of him in the supermarket with his wife

in the carrot aisle, the vegetable aisle, and he is filming a carrot that is carrot shaped, but towards the end has a second smaller carrot little nub coming off and curling around. It looks a lot like a rabbit-shaped toy for a lady or perhaps a man if he wants to use it for such reasons. And he is saying, oh, what does this look like, Mrs. Phillips?

What do you think, Mrs. Phillips? And she's sort of not really entertaining it. because of a different carrot and says like this one looks like a something else, I don't know. And then Dave, so that was on Twitter. And then about three days later, he retweeted it again just to make sure everyone had seen. So proud.

Yeah. Yeah. Like this is a really, this is like, this is fucking funny. I need the world to see this. This is why people follow beloved children's entertainer Dave Benson Phillips. It is. When he's affecting a very strong accent. Yeah, he was doing it.

his wife by being inappropriate in public. Do it myself, but yeah, he was putting a really strong accent on as well. I'm going to see what numbers he did on that. It might have been his biggest tweet for a while, I suspect. Oh, since putting Cox back. Yeah. Forever going to be chasing that dragon, isn't he of that one hit tweet? Yeah.

That's another sex toy right there, Mikey. We can just keep it going. Chase that dragon. I've just looked back on his eBay to see if there's anything new on there. Sadly, the bed's gone. There was a child's bed on there, I seem to remember, but the VHS tapes are still there. So he's made some progress. We're going to need to buy these VHS tapes, aren't we?

I'm going to need to buy them under a pseudonym. Ask him if he'll sign the dust cover of Bridge Over the River Kwai, whatever the hell is. He's trying to pedal now. Dave, sorry, continue. I was just saying then display it proudly. Yeah, absolutely. He posted it on February the 11th, the next month. morning, he quote tweeted it with the caption, Morning.

And then later, he retweeted the original post. And then later after that, he retweeted the morning post. And between the two, he got seven retweets and about 30 likes. So I hope it was worth it, Dave. Well, we're talking about it. Yeah, you're right. He does not want us to leave him out. No, certainly not.

Can't bloody leave it alone. finally we have iwank every day i'm sportsman christian caught up on all pods congratulations there's like millions of podcasts out there that's very really impressive and crescent of crisps and that is your pod squad for this week pottyats dot com three pounds or more to get a shout out at the beginning and the end of the podcast thank you so much everyone who joined pod squad this week do you guys have a favorite out of those

good, yeah. Very slick. Daniel Druff is very good. I enjoyed how, it's not my favorite, but I enjoyed how Bob Marley's Dog Army sounded. Right, okay. That's a fun one. I appreciate the person who put Dave Benson's Dildo Carrot in there

because that reminded us to talk about it because this happened a while ago now. And nobody tweeted it to us, as far as I'm aware. No, I don't think so. You all knew that we would have seen it. We're always on Dave Watch. My favourite is Shihonon Makak-Till Aishu It's just too clunky

The fact, actually, the extra effort Because they have written it in Camel case Because it's all one word So you can tell which bits are individual words And they put underscores between The letter I And the words around it So you don't get confused

Because it could just look like an L Yeah, Till That's a lot of effort That's gone into that And I appreciate it Yeah Everybody in the class look at she honk on my shoe uh wait honk on my shoe i love it when she hon on my shoe bro

everybody look at she hon on macaque till i shoe that's a prized example of a good student everybody really good one so you're all brilliant you're all brilliant you're all brilliant you're all brilliant not everyone's favorite here on the podcast today but i think we can all appreciate that that's like a textbook example if you were to show someone how to do a silly name that's it right there and how to make it legible, most importantly. Yeah, yeah, fantastic. I still had trouble reading it, but that's on me, not you. Well, speaking of you, Michael Johnson,

I believe you are Thing Finder today. You're darned Susan, yes. How about we start with my thing? Oh, yeah. My viewer submitted things? Sure. Highly irregular, but yes. I'm changing a format.

Look at this. It's Brands banking new. We have another entrant in the long, long, long ongoing saga of birds inside of supermarket. Yay. Where have they gone now? I do genuinely keep my eyes peel for birds in supermarkets now because it seems to happen a lot. I don't know if this ever happened before this year, but it seems like there's a real uptick in it. And I'm not sure what's going on.

I like to think that we are a lot of people's one-stop shop for all of their bird in supermarket news. You don't need to go anywhere else. They wait to hear from us to see if it's happened again. So what have we had so far? We've had a seagull in an ASDA. Yes. What was the second one?

It was like a crew or a magpie? Crow, yeah, a crow, a jackdore or something. And then the seagull went back in again. Was this all in the same ASDA? The crow in the ASDA. Was it a different? I'm just wondering if we were. can start ticking off supermarkets and bird types.

Yeah, that's true, actually. The Seagull twice was in Bedminster, Asda, for sure. The Crow might also have been in Bedminster, Astor. I don't know. Crow in Asda. Supermarket. It is Asda Bedminster. It's Asda's, isn't it?

Or just the Bedminster, Azda. Yeah, it's a special place. Yeah, it is. That is where we saw the man trying to steal the street. sign from outside. Oh, yeah, he was just unscrewing it from the wall while everyone was walking past. It's a good part of town. I think the cookie monsters are going to think I'm some sort of lunatic because I have now

Googled crow in supermarket as if I'm looking to purchase crow meat from whatever supermarket sells it locally to me. Well, if you do want to go to a supermarket and buy some crow meat, sorry, no, magpie actually. Oh, delicious magpie. So it's a new bird, and I'm happy to report it's a new supermarket as well. Yeah? One for sorrow.

It's the co-op bedminster. The birds down there are just, they're fucked. There's something wrong with them. Yeah, men try to steal them on the streets, so they are cower in public spaces for safety. But this isn't even bedminster either. This is Bournemouth, this one. And this was submitted by Cameron, priest on Twitter and the headline reads Magpie left trapped in Bournemouth Tesco for two

weeks. Oh wow. It's left trapped. So it hasn't got in and can't get out. It's like it's being prevented from leaving. I don't think so. I think it just, it's, well, we'll find out in the article. But it seems like it's in two minds on whether or not it's trapped in there or whether

it just likes being in there. So I love being in Tesco. It's great in there. And if the magpies being black and white, I reckon if you scanned it on the till, he'd come up to the barcode. Do you reckon it likes the big buy aisle? Yeah, possibly.

You get 48 loo rolls. Magpies love that. Never mind being stuck in Tesco. I wouldn't want to be stuck in Bournemouth, I don't think. Take that, Bournemouth. Sorry, Bournemouth. I've never been. I just, you know, you pick on any of the town, right?

That's the rule, I think, in Britain. Oh, dear. All right, well, let's find out some more about this birdie adventure. A magpie has been spotted fluttering around a Bournemouth supermarket for more than two weeks, leaving customers baffled. The unlucky bird, baffled. What? It's not a bird indoors.

It's not a complicated. What's that? What is that? How did this happen? The unlucky bird has been seen flying around Tesco Extra in Castle Lane on Riverside. as well, big Tesco. Bournemouth looks lovely. I was wrong.

Is Tesco extra the big Tesco? Yeah. That's your 24-7. Clothes and stuff. Guy. Yeah. Good choice, good choice. Customers say the Magpie has been trapped in the store for over a week.

Steve Fisher is from Bournemouth and regularly shops at the supermarket. He said, I was pretty stunned when I first saw the magpie. They're typically quite clever birds. They tend to pick and choose where they like to go. So I stumped at why they would have picked a Tesco. Hey, well, bargains, meal these. Megpo was like, is that a Tesco? More of a waitrose kind of, but...

I was baffled. What would a bird want to do with Tesco? And then Steve said, the magpie must have some sort of agenda with the supermarket. What? Okay. No further explanation.

What he means by that is left at that. Okay. I trust it. He's from Bournemouth. He'll know. Mr. Fish, yeah. A magpie is a distinctive bird that belink, wow, welcome to filler.

A magpie is a distinctive bird that belongs to the Corvade family, which includes crows, ravens and jays. They are social creatures with complex behaviours recognised for their intelligence comparable to some mammals. The magpie has been perching on the supermarket's coin star machine

and the photo booth, where someone has put out a plastic cup full of water and what appears to be some food. smart. Why, they go to the money. Like, yeah. Like, yeah, the bird's got right. They're still, after a couple of years,

you'll have enough 1P pieces to buy a bag of crisps from the shop. They like shiny things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A Tesco employee explained that efforts had been made to capture the bird using Annette, but the attempts were unsuccessful and the bird still needs to be removed from the shop.

Oh, fucking Annette. She's useless. She couldn't catch it. Should have asked Brenda to do it. Down, Peter, an net would, anybody called a net would have been great at it. It's just Bournemouth, Annette. Bloody Bournemouth, this one. Useless.

But the attempts were unsuccessful and the bird still needs to remove from the shop. Steve said, the magpie is quite a character. It flies around the shop in a pattern and swoops amongst the customers and down the aisles. It's not trying to get out or anything. He seems quite happy where he is. Doubt. I know the bird's thrilled about being indoors. Is it getting any food?

And if it is, does that mean it's just going to the freshly baked bread and eating it? And therefore, is that hygienic? You know, this seems like this should be dealt with in some way. Yes. At least if a bird's going to choose a supermarket to be trapped in, go for a Tesco Extra, those big cavernous ceiling, so it'll have space to fly around. They can stock up on Easter eggs, barbecues, 250 tea bags, anything you want. Back to school supplies.

it says here at this time it is unknown how the magpie got into the store I imagine it flew in yeah probably through the door maybe some people have taken to social media to express their concerns that the bird must still be removed from the premises a resident said that they were disappointed that the store had left the magpie trapped in the store they explained that the bird could be seen flying back and forth trying to find its way out of test school and oh oh Steve said he was enjoying it in there who's this other person I don't trust Steve anymore no I think Steve's are Steve's of I don't know I just

when you come out with the mag buy must have some sort of agenda with the supermarket I can't trust you yeah I trusted him at the beginning yeah but not now Steve has some sort of agenda with the truth by the sounds of it yeah and we finish on a Tesco spokesperson said we are working with specialists and local wildlife organisations to help the bird safely exit our Bournemouth Extra store That was six days ago at the time of recording

I wonder if he's got out Any photo of the Magpie? Oh yes actually yeah I can go on second Tesco Let's see if he's Oh he's been rescued Hey, yay! I was just googling it Bye Bye Birdie

Magpie checks out of Bournemouth Tesco What the fuck? Hang on there's a brilliant photo Oh, wow. Goodbye, it says see you again soon. Yeah, it's that one, yeah, they're just holding it. They're not letting him out yet. They're holding it up in front of the huge signage

next to the security gate, where it says goodbye, see you again soon, the shutters are down. They're like, hang on, I bet this is Steve. He's holding the magpie by its little feet. And he's taking a photo with the goodbye sign in the back. Just let the bloody bird out. It doesn't look shocked.

Pippa heard, we were talking about birds, she just walked in and screamed. Oh, she wants the bird. She craves the magpie. God, that's such a good photo, though. It is a good photo. I bet the journalist on this article was absolutely thrilled when they saw that someone had done taking this photo. So that's perfect.

Yeah, it's got the good pie and everything. Of the bird in action. There you go. It's just quite an ominous look. Oh, yeah, that's great as well. Oh, there's the coin star. Martin image! They weren't lying! Wow! My...

How are you? Steve! My grandparents had some really tall trees in their garden, and my uncle used to go around and do garden work for them. And one time he went up this tree to clear out some of the branches on the top. And there was a magpie nest up there.

And in the nest, it was like an abandoned nest, but it had loads of strips of barbed wire that had taken off all the fences nearby. And then a pair of like nail scissors as well. So it is true that they collect the shinies. It's not, it sounds like

something that's, you know, probably a myth, but they really do, seemingly. I know it's not an original desire, but I'd love to be friends with the COVID. Yeah, me too. Brings you treats. Yeah. That'd be lovely.

Thank you very much once again. Cameron A priest for the bird knees. Please do send in all stories of birds being trapped inside of shops. I want to see how far this goes. I was going to say maybe one gets stuck in a Toys R Us but Toys R Us doesn't exist anymore does it I'm stuck in the past? No it has to be a Smiths Didn't it sort of come back again though I think

I think they've said I don't know maybe it's online Well if you support it Peter at the top tier on Kickstarter You could get an I'm a Toys R Us kid badge Oh that was it yeah It was $60,000 yeah Yeah Thank you very much boys Um

Peter. Yes. Would you like to serve us with your thing, please? My own thing. I would love to. So I recently stumbled across a post by the QI elves, who are the clever people who, most importantly, write the questions for the television panel show QI, but they also write just fun little bits of trivia on social media and they write their own books and stuff. Are they actually elves, Peter? They might be. I don't know if they've ever been seen in public.

Maybe they are Queen Elizabeth's elves, because she sees you when you're sleeping, and then they dole out toys, perhaps, or something. And legal trouble. Yes. That's discussed already. And they had done a... And for further context, for those who don't know what QI is,

as I say, it's a panel show, where QI stands for quite interesting, and they just kind of do questions about weird, interesting things. There's no prize, a bunch of celebrities just get some points, and then everyone claps at the end. But the QI elves did a post probably some time ago, but these things get refreshed and reused, don't they? And they had put the oldest known British joke on social media.

I've got a post here on their Facebook page. suspect they put it everywhere, but it's from the 10th century, making it essentially an Anglo-Saxon joke. And the joke is, I thought I would share it with you, what hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole

that it's often poked before? Ooh. I don't know. It's not Dave's carrot, is it? No, it could be, yes. The answer is a key. Oh. That's very clever

It is more of a riddle really But it is It's considered to be the oldest joke there is And it got me thinking What are some other old jokes And how has humour changed over time And so I've done some reading And I have found a list here

Of a few jokes from the medieval period So these were compiled On medievalists.net I think lists might be a pun because maybe they do list articles. This is 15, the article is 15 medieval jokes that are actually pretty funny. I read them all. They're not all pretty funny, so I have not pulled them all with me.

Brilliant. How do they compare to the modern Edinburgh Fringe best jokes? Well, this is sort of forgotten. Yeah, this is where the whole idea for the thing came from. So we'll find out as I read them to you. I don't have a name for the writer here, but it's medievalist.net. So. I assume it's a knight.

Sir... Sir laughs a lot or something, perhaps. Perfect. I'll give you an introduction actually to how these were sort of written down. Pogio or Pogio Bracciolini 1380 to 1459 was an Italian scholar

who spent most of his career working for the papacy and was viewed as one of the brightest minds of his time. However, he also wrote a work called facetiae or something. explaining that people weighed down by a variety of cares and anxieties should now and then enjoy relaxation from its constant labour and be incited to cheerfulness and mirth by some humorous recreation.

In other words, he wrote a joke book in medieval Italy. I think he's prescribing that everyone should listen to this phenomenal podcast. It sounds like it, yeah. I know what I'd finally do if I had a time machine. I'd go back to the medieval ages and drop off a copy of The Dick and Dom Bulk. dumb joke work. Oh, that would blow his mind.

He'd be like, what is gunge? What is that? We wish you a merry, what was it? Chug bucket. Some fudge bucket. Fudge bucket.

Yeah. Oh, God. He's like, what's a bucket? What is fudge? I don't understand. Yeah. So here we go.

These are some jokes written in medieval Florence, I think. Yes. Question mark. Italy. Yes.

Yeah. A young Florentine, was going down to River Arno with one of those nets in which they wash wool and met a frolicsome boy, who, out of fun, asked him what birds he was going to catch with that net of his. I am going to the brothel, replied the youth. I'm going to the Tesco. Yeah, indeed could be magpice.

Oh, we found a net. I am going to the brothel, replied the youth, to spread my net there and catch your mother. Oh my god It continues Is that the oldest your mum joke Well yeah it sounds like it But it continues Well mind you search the place

Carefully retorted the boy For you will be sure to find yours there also It might also be the No you the oldest know you joke Of all time as well Oh yeah Mutually assured mum destruction Sick return there

From the boy That's the end of the joke. That's where you laugh. It's good. That was good. I enjoyed that. Yeah. That must have been crown breaking, actually.

We're very tired of you. Yeah. Back then it was like, whoa. I don't dare you insults to have another. The abbot of Septimau, a very fat and corpulent man. I think we're about to body shame this man, by the way, just to warn you. On his way to Florence one evening, inquired of a peasant he met. Do you think I shall be able to enter the gate?

Of course, he meant to ask whether he was likely to reach the city before the closing of the gates, but the peasant, noticing the man's stoutness, replied, To be sure, you will. A cartload of hay gets through. Why should not you? Wow. I mean, that would be a better joke if it was, you know, the peasant looked at him and said, oh, I don't know. A cartload of hay gets through, but I'm not sure about you, Right. At least there's an insult there. Yeah, it's fucked up because it's only funny if you do fat shamed the man. Yeah, it is, isn't it? Yeah, absolutely.

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton. So we're now, you know, shaming these people as well. It was a different time. It was a different time. It was a different time. Yeah. Don't worry. We'll still tell these jokes. This joke doesn't, it doesn't necessarily have to be that she's a simpleton for this to be funny. In fact, you know what?

I'm going to say that it's not. I'm going to rewrite this on the fly. In Florence, a young woman was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area in order to ascertain if the child... Oh, sorry. That completely took me by surprise.

A secret area. I mean, this has been translated. No one's ever... No one knows what it is. It's been translated from Italian. So the person who translated it could definitely have put her privates or something, but no, they chose to put it into secret area in English. Her mysterious zone.

Yes. Her Bermuda Triangle, perhaps. That's obscene. You can't see that. It is, no. She'd long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area in order to ascertain if the child was coming. Look also on the other side, said the expectant mother.

my husband has sometimes taken that road. Whoa! That's an anal joke. Oh my God. Cool. Wow. Humans have always been filthy. Haven't they just.

Why do we pretend otherwise? What's the point? I don't know. I don't know. The article I've taken this from actually gives a title to each joke, which I don't think are necessarily taken from the source material. They've just been invented by the writer. This joke is called by the writer of this list.

Smell my bottom. Very funny. Yeah. Well, that could just be the joke there. Here it is. Several persons were conversing in Florence, of course, and each was wishing for something that would make him happy. Such is always the case.

One would have liked to be the Pope. Another would have liked to be a king. And a third, something else. Which isn't, they don't go into detail. Sure. When a talkative child who happened to be there, said, I wish I were a melon. And for what reason they asked?

Because everyone would smell my bottom. It was usual for those who want to buy a melon to apply their noses underneath. That's just a little footnote there to explain why it's funny. It's a lot of poo humor, isn't it? It is, yeah. I mean, to be fair, at the time, I guess,

all you lived in was shit, so... Yes. There was nothing good on television. No one could read. Yeah. Um, got two more for you. I knew an old bishop who had lost some of his teeth and complained of others being so loose that he was afraid they would soon fall out.

Never fear, said one of his friends, they won't fall. And why not? inquired the bishop. His friend replied, because my testicles have been hanging loose for the last 40 years. And if they were going, as if they were going to fall off, and yet there they still are brilliant yeah that's good um and the final joke one of our fellow citizens an intimate friend of mine is extremely thin and lean someone was wondering what the reason for this was another friend answered it is the plainest thing of the world the man sits for an hour when taking his food but two hours when ejecting it it was a fact my friend takes an unusually long time at clearing his

And that's the joke. Yeah. Have you met my friend who takes a long time to poo? He takes shitting. He takes twice as long shitting than he does eating. And that's why he's very thin. This is Paul slow pooer. Let's all laugh at Paul now because this is what Paul does.

Paul has bad digested himself. I'm going to do a slow poo at Paul's. Isn't that why that's really funny? That's why that kid at school lost out on his children. tuna sandwich, didn't he? Remember? He did a long poo. Paul can't do. No. I can't do it with Paul. He's too slow.

It takes ages. Yeah. So there you go. Not much has changed, really, since the medieval period. No, really hasn't, has it? No. It's quite reassuring. Yeah. We're destined to forever be the same, which is nice, but it's also horrifying.

But who's always funny. Poos and bums. What more do you need? Everybody poos. It's sort of like, you know, when they say you could take a baby, be quote unquote caveman and if they were raised in a modern household they would just turn out to be a completely ordinary modern human they have all the capacity it was just they were born in that period of history i think you could take this man from medieval florence and if you raised him as a poddiots host he would have all the best poo and fart jokes that would be required for such a

job wouldn't need you anymore mikey would we oh that's the specialties are not that special anymore Medieval Italian man. Yeah, nothing is new under the sun, they say. But we've got to make sure he at least looks a bit like you, so he can be your doppelganger. Yes. And then you can go and be one of the brightest minds of the 13th century, or alternatively a bouncer in a nightclub somewhere.

Yes. Yeah, you could do that. Your plopperganger, perhaps. Plopalganger. There is. There's the episode title. We did it. Fantastic.

Thank you very much, Peter, for that. insight into history. You're welcome. Ben, would you like to give us your view a submitted thing? I would love to. This has been really doing the rounds recently. I haven't actually paid too much attention to it. I haven't clicked on any of the links

that have been posted in our work chat. I have managed to avoid a lot of it, but this is, of course, the story of the Willy Wonka scam event that took place in Glasgow. this week, or the weekend just gone at the time of recording. I knew this would be submitted. Of course it was.

This comes to us courtesy of, let me double check. It's from our Discord, and it's River. Thank you, River. Thank you, River. For submitting this to us. So this is an article from the Daily Mail Online, Boo. Fuck you the Daily Mail. And the headline reads,

Embarrassed actresses hired to play Umpa Lumpers at Willie Wonka scam event tell how they were given AI generated scripts pound shop costumes ran out of sweets to give to children and have still not been paid

Oh, Strauss The subtitle reads Did you, in all caps, attend the event? Email the author of this article to be featured. This is a long one,

but it's worth chronicling. Actresses who were promised hundreds of pounds to perform at a catastrophic Willy Wonka experience in Glasgow that saw furious parents call the police on the organisers have said they were given pound shop costumes and haven't been paid. The event took place at the Box Hub on Saturday and was organized by events company House of Illuminati, which claims to transform ordinary venues into immersive environments

that transport guests into a realm of wonder. You two have both seen the images of this. Yes. You know that that is a lie. That's a lie. Attendees, including tiny, excitable children, had been promised a universe where your dreams come true, but were instead met with a sad grey room, half filled with plastic mushrooms and AI-generated posters. When it transpired that not only was the event not as advertised,

but it also hadn't stocked enough chocolate to feed the crowds, parents called the police on organiser Billy Cool, who was, I assume it's pronounced Cool. He's not cool, but that's just how it's written. who was recorded grovelling to the mob. Clarifying the intentions and fighting off allegations of dishonest marketing, Mr. Cool said, We guarantee a full refund from Monday. We used artificial intelligence to create some images for the event.

It's the second quote that doesn't have any context there. So I've got some images now with some captions that I'll try and describe. Here's the article. If you guys want to follow along with me and comment on what you'll see, That image in Discord is already so good, the preview image. The Math Lab umpulumpur is my favorite. So already is like the first image of like the advertisement for the event. They've misspelled February.

Oh my God, they have February. February. Oh no. Oh no. It would be amazing if it wasn't a leap year and they advertised it on the 29th. That would be really good, but it's sadly not. So the first image is of the. AI-generated advert, which is Willie's chocolate experience from 24 February 2024.

The caption is the event took place at the Box Hub on Saturday and was organized by Events Company House of Illuminati. Then we see some benches and the entrance way, just some disparate benches. And then there is a gate that says factory over it, which looks pretty cool actually. The gate, the gates are golden. Yeah. The stone is sort of like fake stone pillars that are purple. And then either side there's some vertical purple lights and then just a load of black curtains that are suspended between poles. Thin black curtains.

You can see the fire exit on either side on the left. You can. It actually looks a bit like a bomb shelter where the building itself. Next we have an image of Billy Kuhl who is flanked by two bounces. He was recorded attempting to control the furious crowd apparently. And then, of course, we have the, what did you call it, the MethLab? Mephala Lumpur. That's what people have been saying online.

Actress Kirsty Patterson looks unimpressed as she conducts umpulumpur experiments at the event. And she does look really sad. She's wearing a crap green wig that's like all, that's like 90% fringe. And she's just wearing sort of a brown cropped top kind of thing. She's wearing white gloves. And then it just looks like meth lab equipment in front of her. No chocolate or sweeties on display at all from what I can see. No.

Well, interestingly, you say that I'm, I don't know if this article's going to contradict itself, but you say that there wasn't enough chocolate to go around. I've got a quote here from Culture Crave, who say that the event had no chocolate. Kids were given a single jelly bean and a cup of lemonade. Oh, God. Which, if true, is scandalous. I don't know if it even mentions the price to get in, I think I saw that it was, what, like, 30 pounds or something?

$40, I think. $40, maybe 40 quid, I don't know, yeah. Unreal. Anyway, the article continues. Since the event was cancelled on Saturday, attendees have formed a Facebook group to exchange information on the refund process. However, it is understood that as of yet, none has been received. Many members of staff have also expressed their dissatisfaction at the event

and explained that the actions of Mr. Kohl have made them the scapegoats for the disaster. Mr Cole has a chequered history in the event industry and was previously criticised for cancelling a Santos Grotto event in 2021 after toys and gifts had been donated. Oh, God. What a great... That's a bit like your story from the other week, Mikey, your Christmas one. Yes, the post guy.

He's back. Yeah, my God, I don't like... He's back. He's back. He's back. Mr. Cool. I don't like Mr. Cool is not as fun, though. Actually, no. Yeah, this is...

I don't know. They're all messing with... children and their magical sense of whimsy. They're all bastards. Apparently, referring to the Santa's Grotto event, his Gowan Bank Hub, I don't know what that means, cancelled the scheduled event due to concerns over the Omicron virus and claims he and his team were distraught, but they had lots of gifts, I'm sure, to get them through that trying time. According to Company's House, Billy Cool is a director of two other companies as well as House of Illuminati,

Billy De Savage and Nexuma Holdings, which do sound like villain enterprises. All three companies are registered to the same address in London and all three were formed last year. Before he deleted his LinkedIn account following Saturday's debacle, Mr. Kuhl described himself as someone with a wealth of experience in crafting marketing campaigns and events.

One of the actresses Mr. Koole hired for his event, Kirstie Patterson, was promised £500 for two days' work. And then there's more images of him. They do look kind of dodgy, the photos. I don't know if they've specifically chosen ones where he doesn't look great. Since the event went viral, a photo of Miss Patterson dressed as an umpah-lumpur standing by a chemistry set with fumes billowing out,

has let her to be described as a meth lab umpah-lumper lady. Speaking to mail online, she confirmed that not only had she not been paid, she also hadn't been briefed on what her role would involve. She explained, I was angry at the time because I felt like this is embarrassing for me and I felt bad for the people coming in as well. I actually ended up shouting at the guy. I just said to him, he's a joke and this is like embarrassing

and how can we basically, how can, hang on, how can we basically live with himself doing this to people? Yeah, that's what it says. Assume that's a typo. This is really embarrassing for me. My job is teaching kids yoga. Oh no, and I go into schools and say, stuff and I do kids entertainment.

This is none of our faults at all. We got the job and then we got given the script. You know, by that point I'm sorry, that was not the end of the quote. Continue, please, please carry on. No, no, no, by all means. I'm just going to say, you know who would have done a better job? Bobby Babylonie. Hmm.

Yeah. If you're having a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory party. By the time, hang on, where are we? Yeah, by that point. By the time I'd signed the contract. And they said they were going to put us five hundred pounds for the two days, which is a lot of money, which is a lot of money to say no. Wow, that's a good one, isn't it?

It's a good quote, isn't it? It doesn't make any sense. I got stuck to the jelly bean bit. What? And by that point, I felt awful. There was a part where they were saying it was like a science lab and you were supposed to hand out jelly beans. And by that point, they had run out of jelly beans. So I was just trying to make slightly exciting for the kids.

Whoever, I don't think this is Kirsty. I think she's being horribly misquoted here. Bad write-up. Then I walked off scene because I was so embarrassed. I went mental about the guy and feel awful about the whole thing. Like I really honestly do. And I walked off because I was just feeling so shit for the kids. The whole thing has just been awful.

The whole thing's just been a complete and utter shambles. It was shocking, honestly. and there's Jenny Foggetty pictured in her costume prior to the event which was cancelled by organiser okay yeah of course it went on to be cancelled sorry confused about this whole whole writer it was 35 pounds a ticket it seems right this article is oh my god it just goes on and on and on

doesn't it how much more do you guys want to hear about it oh there is a lot let's have a lot there any highlights in there Jenny Foggetty the one in the photo 35 pound a ticket apparently the AI generation wasn't just for the posters and stuff which by the way had text on them

and as we all know AI can't generate proper text at this stage or not certainly the one that they were using so there was like pictures of the you know the edible room from Willy Wonka and signage that was just pointing to and they just looked like Russian you know it's just like arrows and then symbols on oh in fact let me pull up the one that

because it says something really funny Hang on. We can't begin to do it justice how sad this event looks. It's just concrete floor, concrete walls, concrete ceiling and then just some props scattered around. What? The whole script in the news article? Oh, is it? I didn't even realize that.

Wow. The whole script, what, where? Because the script was also AI generated. Yeah. And it's been shared. I've put it into the Discord. Wow, I didn't realize that. Okay, let's have a look at this.

Oh, it's downloaded. It's 15 pages. of script mind you Willie McDuff apparently is the name of the chocolate owner A whimsical brightly lit stage that hints

at the magic of the Garden of Encharmament beyond Willie McDuff, a character of eccentric charm and wit, stands before the curtain that separates the mundane from the magical the audience is buzzing with anticipation assumes the AI Oh hang on

if you go up a bit further it says wonky doodles at Macduff's Chocolate Factory a script What the fuck is wonky doodles? Well, I mean, you should see what is on the one of the posters. This is unbelievable. Hang on, I've got to paste this into the chat

because I can't, I'm going to read it out, but at the top, at the banner, it says, ensuring entertainment instead of enriching or entertaining. Then at the bottom, when it lists the features of the day, it's just AI made-up words that sound vaguely correct. That's right.

Cat gacating, live performer romances, carpchy tons, exasadre lollipops, and a passadice of sweet teats. And they generated that, and they were like, yeah, just put that on the Facebook account. They could have just edited the text and kept the image. A pass a dice of sweet teat. A pasadice of sweet teat is, I'm sorry.

But if AI generated that for me, there's no fucking way I'm not putting that on a post. I'd leave it in. Yeah. A passadise of sweet teat. What I love about the script, though, and I'll read a little bit more of it, is that it clearly notes

what the audience reaction is going to be to each paragraph. So Willie Mcduff says, now a crucial question, does anyone here speak fluent squirrel? No. Shame. They're the best conversationalists in the garden. But worry not, for I am a certified interpreter of squirrel duck and on a special occasion's bashful tulip. Audience is visibly amused. Some are leaning in, fully engaged in Mcduff's charismatic presence. Mr. Cool is reading this as it's being generated. thinking, wow, look how excited my audience are going to be. I can't wait to put this show on.

Oh, Peter, Mikey. They're not umpalumpas. They're wonky doodles. That's what wonky doodle is. Okay. Oh, God. This is really long, isn't it? Well, yeah, because he wasn't written by a human. He just pressed enter until he had 15 pages. My God. Scene ends with Willie McDuff and the guests reveling in the success of their imaginative endeavor, reinforcing the power of unity and the endless possibilities that lie within the realms of imagination and innovation.

Wow. That's how it ends. This explains, or I explained a lot when it came out that the script was also AI generated because before we knew this, there was a clip going around online of kids sort of standing watching, I think someone dressed as Willie Wonka, or whatever his name is, what's he called? Willie Mcduff Willie Mcduff, yeah and Willie Mcduff

is standing in front of a black curtain and he says oh what's this and out from behind the curtain comes this person in a terrifying mask with big black hair and the kids start screaming

just before the video cuts off or you hear all the children start to cry and Wonky Macduff Billy Willie whatever says oh it's the unknown and this was posted online and people were saying, what is this character they've invented for this show,

the unknown? And it's because the AI did it. Even better about that bit is the plan was that, I'm just going to call it, Willie Mcduff, he was going to hoover up the scary person with a hoover, like a magical hoover, apparently when the actor got to do the role,

he asked, so where's the Hoover prop? And they said, oh, we don't actually have a Hoover prop, so it's just improvising. So, yeah, I think, I imagine he just generate this article, went, yeah, that looks good,

and then just hand it over to them for them to improvise and try and make. My favorite one in this script, actually, is seen in the Twilight Tunnel with Willie McDuff, the unknown, and the anti-graffiti gobstopper. Oh, no. God, so fucking Willie McPinch.

says his whole his final spiel about you know oh we did it we saved the day and there's another bit that again assumes way too much the room lights up

returning to its vibrant state as Willie offers a bow the anti-graffiti gobstopper safely in hand full stop the guests erupt into applause celebrating the triumph of creativity and courage over chaos

at some point we need to we're going to need to do this script aren't we Probably. I have to do a performance. Before that, though, when the anti-graffiti gobstopper is first introduced, you would assume that it is maybe designed to prevent graffiti or make it disappear or something. But William McDuff says,

This fiendish foe has long coveted one of my most cherished creations, the anti-graffiti gobstopper, a marvel of confectionery science designed to aid, oh, not just any soul, but the tireless guardians of cleanliness, our beloved mum's. And yes, dads too, but especially mums. From the endless scourge of dirty socks strewn about by youthful adventurers,

a murmur of amusement and agreement ripples through the audience. Oh, yes. Ah, yes. Yes, the mums are like, yeah, you're shit, dads. Yeah, mums are in charge of cleaning, says Willie McDuff. That seems to be his attitude. There's one final caption I'm just going to read here. One parent wrote on social media,

what an absolute shambles of an event. It took two minutes to get through to then see a queue of people surrounding the guy running it complaining. Oh, God. So that was the real show. Yeah. Do you want to hear the House of Illum... In the interest of balance, do you want to hear House of Illuminati's statement? Sure, in the interest of balance, yes.

In a statement on its Facebook page, they said, Today has been a very stressful and frustrating day for many, and for that, we are truly sorry. Unfortunately, last minute, we were let down in many areas of our event. bullshit and tried our best to continue on and push through and now realize we probably should have d instead of e there's a d cancelled first thing this morning instead we fully apologize for what has happened and we'll be giving full refunds to each and every person that purchased tickets we planned a fabulous event and it just did not take shape as planned and for that we're truly sorry we are devastated at how this has turned out and understand people's anger and

frustration that everyone has had refund oh my god refunds have already started being issued and the rest should be over the coming days again, we are truly sorry to everyone. Wow. That's one sentence. To generate his apology. Honestly, it feels like that. It does.

What was it about sweet teats again? Can I get that, please? It was, of course, a passadice of sweet teats. Oh, to live in a pasadice of sweet teets, guys. And this man, so he he was let down by allegedly one would assume an awful fucking lot of suppliers in order for he could be as bad as it was all on the same day and on the morning of and yet this is a man

who is a self-described you know has a wealth of experience in crafting marketing campaigns and events you'd think maybe someone with a wealth of experience might have made sure that the stuff was already several days ahead of time rather than the morning of um It's just, it's bullshit. He's just, he was chancing his arm and it's turned out terribly. It was a scam. He just wanted some money. I guarantee that this man is not done.

Yeah. And he's going to do more stuff like this in the future under a different name with a different company. It's going to go just as poorly. And we're going to have a fantastic time laughing about it. And I can't wait. I'm very excited. I'm going to keep an eye on Billy Cool.

Where are you at? I guess he's wiped his entire. online presence at this point but probably he'll change his name we'll pop up as something else yeah very cool William rad yeah there we are that's my

viewer slash listener submitted thing fantastic maybe it's just a phase you're going through you'll get over it I can't help you with that the next appointment is in six months you're not alone finding mental health support

shouldn't leave you feeling more lost at CAMH we know how frustrating it can be trying to access We're working to build a future where the path to support is clear, and every step forward feels like progress, not another wrong turn. Visit camh.ca to help us forge a better path for mental health care. Thank you. And, oh, me, would I like to read my article?

Would you? Yes, I shall. I've brought some, well, one tail and another slightly tangentially related tale of Victorian parrots with a bad attitude. Parrots. Parrots. One of my favorite things. It's pirates.

This is from a BBC news article. I think this was a lot of the information was brought out of like an old newspaper archive from the time and kind of given the next bit flourish. So this is a real, real, real bit of. I'll just read it. I don't want to spoil too much. Okay. A spilled pint, a misplaced glance, a loose tongue, the wrong luck, the wrong accent, the wrong attitude, too much booze, too little common sense. Oh God, all these things, and far more besides, have provided the flimsy excuses for bar room brawls over the years.

As far as well, yes. I've been in my fair few of brawls at this point, do you have, I've seen him. But there can be few flare-ups with an odder spark than the ugly scene which broke out in one London boozer in the summer of 1898. Arthur Crow and his pal, George Tibbitt, were having a drink in a Blackfire's pub with a German pal when an ice cream man called Brambani saunterney

I love that name. I love that, I love that. Brambani. I'm Brambani, the ice cream man. He wouldn't be able to have any other job, would he? The landlord of this pub kept a parrot behind the bar, and Brambani enthusiastically returned to his ongoing project trying to teach it to speak Italian. Well, I like Brambini.

He comes in, he talks the parrot for a bit, tries a teacher some phrases and buggers off. That's cute. I like him. With characteristic ineptitude, reported the Falkirk Herald, the parrot replied, the parrot replied in English, a potty mouth brand of English at that. We don't know what it actually said as the different, as the

newspaper printed it as oh you old dash so, oh you old. We'll try and figure this out at the end of this bit. But it was enough to provoke Crow and Tibbet who thought the insult had come from Brambani.

Not just that, but it was aimed at the German woman who was also sitting at the table. So they got ready to throw face. Oh, you old, what would, what would, O you old hag, crown, Oh, prick, Margaret, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mark. The hapless Brambani tried to explain who the real culprit was, but reason rarely figures in the prelude to a dust-up.

In increasingly aggressive tones, they demanded an apology. The parrot, meanwhile, thrilled by this. unexpected turn of events, kept up a running fire of abusive and scandalous remarks. Sensing matters were headed for a painful conclusion. Ram Barney turned and legged it, scarpering for the safety of a sheep, uh, sweet shop. Oh, man was, it's what he was made to do. He had a sweet shop too. Oh, this guy's the best.

Did he have a pass-a-dice of sweet teats in that, do you think? Hey. Itching for a fight, the trio pursued him and was sued. joined, as if by magic, by a like-minded small mob. Brambarnie's nephew, John. Oh, come on. You're going to do better than that. He wasn't in a bank.

John? I can't even more like your cousin, Brambani, over here, John. John, step forward to appeal to the best instincts of the crowd and was promptly met with a hailstorm of missiles, including ginger beer bottles, and his family's own ice cream glass. The German lady took an active part in the melee too, but decamped upon the arrival of PC's Greenwayne hunt who prevented further bloodshed and arrested the prisoners.

Crowe and Tibbet were jailed for a month for the incident, and there was no word of what became of the parrot. That makes it sound like the police officers took the parrot as well. The parrot unfortunately served the rest of its days behind bars. No chance of parole. every time he went into the court room to appeal to the Georgie Caldaba and all you old

how you old something something something but so yeah this happened and then the parrot there's not much else about the parrot but two years earlier just a few miles up the road

another parrot was ruffling feathers in court oh solicitor's clerk Henry Lovegrove had bought a talking parrot in a pub as a gift for his sweetheart. Can it talk? He asked ship steward William Fulgar. It most certainly could.

Spanish and English. Plus, it could sing. It did a rousing version of Tarara Boom Dye, which is not a song. Did it? Go Tarara Boobo A dee. No, na, nah. Bullshit.

I don't think he did that. Well, the man with the parrot boasted about his abilities. And so 30 shillings seemed a fair price for such a richly talented pet. The wary lovegrove had just one more question. The bird had been kept on a ship. Was it fit to present to a lady? Oh, sailors, you know what they're like? But Alder assured him.

The bird chooses its words very carefully. Its language is that of a bishop. Right. So, imagine Lovegrove's surprise when Miss Nelson soon told him that she couldn't stand to be in the presence of the bird for a moment longer. Why? The parrot swears more than the troops in Flanders, Lovegrove told Shawditch County Court,

after being pursued by Fulga for the 30 shillings he paid. In themselves, that string of profanities might not have proved a problem, but it seemed specialized in swearing in Spanish and alas her Miss Nelson had been a governess in Spain so she understood every word

that came out of the vulgar bird's mouth and she told the court this is good I like this she told the court that the bird was simply sulfurous oh what this is for me

don't talk like we used to and at that point the bird itself was brought into the courtroom. Perhaps it would talk for the edification of your honour, said Lovegrove's solicitor. I don't want to hear it, harrump, the judge. My knowledge of the Spanish tongue is not so profound as Miss Nelson's, nor have I any wish to endure to Rara Boomeday again.

And with that, it was settled. He got to keep, wait, oh wait, no, whoa. Oh, Lovegrove got to keep his cash. oh my god the judge couldn't be asked so he just oh my god I misread this last bit so yeah

the man who sold the parrot got to keep his cash I mean what are you gonna do return the parrot now but but it's maybe not out of

the realm of possibility that maybe this foul-mouthed parrot made its way into that very black friar's pub and then cause another incident I think yeah was it

oh my god Or a nearby summer field, perhaps. Yeah, keep your eyes peeled. What's the, oh my God, what's the old worst games ever? The warning, oh my God, the London racer, the policeman. What did he say? This is your third warning. You're coming with us.

Or one more and you're finished. So, yeah. One more and you're finished. If it had been the same, parrot, that would have been impressive if what's his name had taught it Italian. It would have been speaking three languages at that point. English, Spanish and Italian. That would have been, that wouldn't be great. All of the English, Spanish and Italian it knows is very rude swear words.

So, it's a little bit of, a bit of foul-mouthed parrots for you. Parrot history. Thank you, Mike. A triple whammy of bird news from you today. Oh my God, yeah. Wow, I didn't even think about that. Hey. Yeah.

Bird boy. Bird boy. I've got to read about some birds, you bird boy. You grow some feathers, you fucking bird-brain. Birdhead. Go hang out with the magpie and Tesco if you love it so much Thank you very much One and all

And if you'd like to Peter Could we have your viewer submitted thing We can It's from Adair Devil at Adair Devil 7 on Twitter And it's according to The Daily Mirror I saw this today And I'm glad this has made it to the podcast Mum 36 loses 650,000 pound disability claim

after winning Christmas tree tossing competition. Wee, that's it. Toss those Christmas trees. Written by Monica Charlesy. It was News Report. What? By Monica Charlesie, news... By Monica Charlie, comma, news reporter

and Douglas Whitbread. implying that Monica Charlesy is a news reporter and also is Douglas. And also playing, portraying the role of Douglas. Yeah. Tonight. So Camilla Grabska, Camilla Grabska, 36 from Ireland, was caught red-handed after she was pictured hurling a large tree a year after the accident took place. It comes after the mum claim she was left with a disabling condition after the vehicle she was in was hit from behind. in February 2017, February spelled correctly.

The mum said... February. Yeah. She would be unable to work for more than five years due to the deliberating conditions, says the mirror. Oh, for fuck sake. What is wrong with everything that we read? I don't know.

Is it us? Is all news like this? Do we just pick in winners every time? I think I said last time in the last episode, I just feel like, why am I not making loads of money on the side writing articles just a bit better than this for tabloids. She further claimed her injuries would affect how she plays with her kids. But she also went as far as to say that the injury hindered her from being able to carry heavy shopping bags.

However, the Irish High Court in Limerick dismissed her case after it was shown the incriminating photo in a national newspaper of her throwing the tree with a very agile movement. I will now share the image with you guys, if you've not your... yet seen it. It is quite spectacular. This is a woman who claimed she couldn't play with her children or carry her shopping.

Wow. Her whole body is involved in throwing that tree. And there's a crowd of dozens watching her do it. Yeah. There's also a picture of her. It's not like a tiny ditty little tree either. It's quite a, it's a proper Christmas tree. Yeah, I'd call it a

six footer at least, or seven. There's also a picture of her holding her prize. She's got like a certificate for winning. Oh, yeah. Okay. Despite the mum's plea, Judge Carmel Stewart said that the very graphic picture

from the seventh annual Christmas tree throwing championships had helped her make the decision. The Irish Independent reported the judge saying, it is a very large natural Christmas tree and it's being thrown by her in a very agile movement. I'm afraid I cannot but conclude the claims were entirely. exaggerated. On that basis, I propose to dismiss the claim. Married mum from Ennis County Claire told doctors her injuries were so severe after the accident on February 3, 2017, that she could not lift a heavy bag without feeling shooting pain. She quit her job following the crash and took disability payments, writing in court documents, her past and future loss of earnings

amounted to £427,000. That's 500,000 euros. Half a million euros. And the injury claim amounted to £649,000, that's €760,000. She even said there were times when her husband had to bring medication to her in bed, which she could not leave for half of the day due to her agony. But the court heard that just a few days before she had informed doctors of her terrible condition, she had finished top in the charity Christmas tree chucking event. Fucking idiot. During the hearing, some false.

footage was also submitted in evidence from November last year that showed Grabster training her large dog for over an hour in a park. She denied the suggestion that she'd faked her injuries, telling the court that she was simply trying to live a normal life. It's not normal to throw a Christmas tree. That's a weird thing to do. But her case was dismissed after the judge ruled her activities following the crash were completely at odds with the medical evidence she gave of her injuries. The end. Cheeky get Yeah

Disability payments are really important And a lot of people rely on them Yeah And don't be doing that When people do You know Try and cheat the system That is what causes

Other ignorant people To assume that Other other people are also cheating the system When they're not So it only encourages Poor attitudes That already exist in society

So yeah doubly bad stupid stupid it's just like it's like not even like like the picture of her throwing a tree is like fine whatever but is the picture of her holding her little first place plaque and smiling at the camera

yeah yeah that's like yeah you're a criminal I'm surprised she didn't get some sort of fine for like clearly yeah I'd have thought maybe some jail time as well like that's yeah yeah it's fraud it is fraud it's fraud yeah definitely definitely is. Thank you very much. Peter. Thank you to the person who send that in. Ben? Would you like to play us out with your thing? I would love to. And quite frankly, I'm amazed that this has not been on our radar before now. Oh. Because this is an article from 2019,

April 2019. It's a write-up on CNN travel. And it's about Japan's newest museum that's dedicated to poo. Wow. How did we not know about this? No, yeah. No, we have changed from the middle ages. We've evolved. We used to do poo jokes.

Now we have poo museums. Yes, poosiums. Museums, yeah, very much. Yes, exactly. Shit shows. This is written by Lillit Marcus. I assume it's Lillit and not Lily. It could easily be, Lily.

Yeah, the tea and the wire are very close to each other on the keyboard. And the typos on these things are. are bad. Yes, they are. So Lilit has written this article. It's probably her name, to be fair. And it reads as follows, the Museum of Natural History,

the Museum of Modern Art, the Museum of Poop, question mark. In Japan, a new pop-up museum is encouraging travelers to get over their self-consciousness about Unco. That would be poop in English. I've had a look, by the way. Unco, U.S.

N-K-O. It's sort of a cutesy word for poo, like poo-poo or poop-y or... It's like what kids would call feces, basically. Okay. We believe that setting poo as entertainment, not a museum, is the first in the world, a representative for the Unco Museum tells CNN travel. There is no dirty brown poop in Unco Museum. It's all colourful, cute, and pop design poop. Visitors to the museum, which will be open through early August...

Can sit on brightly coloured fake toilets, draw artistic representations of what their bowel movements look like, yell the word unco into a microphone, play in a ball pit full of stuffed poops, and take selfies in front of pastel-coloured stuffed excrement toys. Right. They are, of course, encouraged to share their experience on social media. So far, nearly 10,000 people have visited the museum in its first week alone.

And that's no load of crap, says Lillit. driving home the point that this is a poo article. Yes. Tickets cost 1,760 yen about $16 for adults, and 990 yen about $9 for children. I always forget what the yen exchange rate is. For a minute there, I was absolutely blown away by how expensive it was to get.

It costs £2,500 to get into the shit house. And tying things together, it concludes by saying, like a real-life Willie Sorry, Willie McDuff creation Yes You should come and see this exhibit basically So I'm going to send you guys an article now Which is from the Guardian

And essentially just images of the museum Would you guys like to take it in turns Reading the captions that go along with it And also describing what you see We'd love to Yes please Here is a link to the article And also I've fucking had you right

Because you're sad that you can't go to the Poo Museum It's open to my at 11 a.m. It's still going. Breaking clues. It's still out. The Poo Museum is still going. You can go to it now. Still, I think, according to Google anyway. It's open at 11.

You know you can trust Google. No one can change anything on Google as you. Nope. Not a single. No one would do that. Which one of you would like to start reading? Has embraced poo. I don't like the image of embracing poo. That sounds veryness. Hug that poo.

Yeah. Mikey, would you like to lead us off with the first image and read the description? Yes. So this honestly, I mean, it looks a lot more fun than the wonky experience. This is, it's a row of it looks like about six multi-coloured toilets, all in a row with some happy-looking women squeezing as hard as they can. And the caption says, Visitors pretend to give a push while sitting on colorful lavatory balls at the Unco, who in Japanese, museum.

There's like toilets. You shouldn't strain like that it gives you you can get no it's not good for you.

Emeroids or whatever yeah piles the next one the caption is music plays as users pretend to poo

then a brightly coloured souvenir can be collected from inside the bowl and it shows again two people

sitting on the coloured toilets and squeezing and I imagine that once you do that then something appears in the toilet bowl

oh would you believe it no one leaves empty-handed Peter and the next image is of a bright green toilet and someone reaching in to fetch what looks like a golden turd from the gold. Yeah, little golden turd. You can take that home, Mikey. You can have that. That's yours.

I mean, I genuinely would love it. This does sound like a lot of fun. Don't you pretend it's not fun either. The next image is like something from a really fucked up version of the crystal maze. It says children try to catch small toy poos emerging from a giant inflatable. The sculpture in the main hall erupts every 30 minutes,

and they're crowding around it with all these poos cascading down from above that they're desperately trying to catch. It's beautiful. It's like a get-your-own-back game, isn't it? It is, yeah. Get your brand back? No.

Oh, no. It doesn't really work. Get your ground back. Yeah. And then the next image is, again, of the same erupting poo statue but this time it paints a slightly less fun scene the caption reads two boys take cover and it's two children sheltering their heads from the just barrage of poos raining down from the raining plastic poos yeah yeah uh next we've got poo shaped erasers

with faces and other small items of long being popular items carried by children and sometimes older people in japan and then there's an image of it looks like maybe it's a little pocket it mirror. It says no unco, no life on it. So I guess you could win yourself a little poo mirror. That's true, yeah. Don't worry, if you get hungry at the museum,

I'm happy to report there are poo-shaped cupcakes on display. Yes, there are. The images of Azudex. It just looks like a swirl of icing on top of a cupcake. It looks quite tasty. It's too much icing for me. Too much icing, I think. Yeah, that is mostly icing. the cake. I went, like, I've seen worst poo themed cakes, much worse. I went to a ferret show

years ago. And they had like a little bake sale going on there as well. And one of the things you could buy was some kind of cake that was made to look like a litter box with lots and lots of poos in it and kind of like woody bedding and stuff. And it like legitimately looked disgusting. It looked just like the real thing. So hats off to them for that. But too much I ain't putting that in my gob. No. Good, that's me. The next image shows a wall of sort of small, tiny little toilet seats,

and there are two women there writing on them with pens. And the caption is, visitors draw on the toilet-shaped boards. So I guess you can just sign a toilet seat while you're there. It's weird, isn't it? That's not weird. Well, we've signed a toilet seat. To be fair, we have, actually.

You know what, I take it back. That's a good point. Yeah. Oh, and it's more than just physical objects. There's also video games there. In this video game, the player kicks a poo into a goal. In another room, players use projection mapping game,

use a projection mapping game like whack-a-mole to stamp and squash on poos. I feel sorry for the goalkeeper in the kick the poo into a goal game. because do you dive for the poo and try and catch it? Absolutely. A sort of 40 mile an hour poo coming directly towards you. We love poos in this museum. We do, yeah. You want to catch it, obviously, cat shit.

The next photo is simply captioned love seats and it's just two toilets next to each other and a man and a lady sitting on it and on the wall behind them it says love, love uncoe and just the word happy. happy they're just happy to be there this final one Mikey that I think we should probably make the final one

is I think the most exciting one of all is this the ominous dark room one or a different one this is the ominous dark room one yeah I'm going to read the caption first in one game participants try to make the biggest poo by shouting uncle as loudly as possible

and it's bogeys It is. Uncle! And the image here is, it's just an entirely dark room, except for a TV screen with an image of a poo on it and a lady looking a little bit concerned next to it. I want to hear people screaming, Uncle, this is good. Yeah.

I'm down. Yeah. So that's it. That's the Poozeum, which is real. And you can go and maybe we should rename it on Google Maps. Pottie presents the Poop Museum, Tokyo. Apparently, you'll need about an hour to get through it. And if you want to go and see it, it's open from 11 a.m. most days in Diver City, Tokyo Plaza.

So, go to the Pusium. Let's know how I found it. Looks fucking ridiculous. And quite frankly, I'm rather disappointed with you lot for not letting us know about this sooner. Yeah, come on. Who do you think we are? I mean, I can't believe it's got, it's five years this has been open. It may have been closed for a little bit during that time, maybe, you know.

But, hey, it reopened. Not many things did reopen after that thing. No, that's true. But the Poo Museum, they knew it was in high demand. Perceived. They knew, they knew, like, the business is there. We just need to survive. And that's my thing.

That's wonderful. While we're talking about poo, and, you know, I mean, we talk about poo every episode, so I could save this for another one, but I should just tell you this because it made me think of you guys immediately. My great-grandmother was quite a sort of a lady. She was quite well, you know, she probably carried handkerchiefs

and, you know, probably ate off a doily. And, you know, it was all a bit like that. And she was always very, like, keen to be seen to be doing the right thing and stuff. And I heard my mum and uncle reminiscing about her recently. And they said that sometimes when they were, going to be, they were going on an outing with her. She would make them go and have a try, you know.

Did you used to get told to have a try? Of course. You're told, you know, go and go and do a wee or possibly go and try and do a poo. And if you say, I don't want to, they say, well, go, have a try. Have a try. And then out of nowhere, considering this is this lady-like lady, my uncle says, oh yeah, she used to either say, if she used to either say, have a try, or if she wanted you to do.

do a poo, she would say, go and do your grunts. Oh, what? Which is a horrific phrase. Go and do your grunts. Go and do your grunts. This woman, I can't possibly get over how, you know, prim and proper she was, but for some reason, she apparently used the phrase, go and do your grunts.

Awful. As soon as I heard that, I was like, I must tell Ben and Mikey. I'm glad you did because I love doing my grunts Yeah, for morning grunts Oh, yeah, that's what I started here Yeah Domino's grunts, of course

Not so much a grunt as a whisper, really, isn't it? Yeah, grunt piss Zero Go Goodness me Auntie grunt piss Sounds like a rolled-dard character Yeah, your German aunt

has come to stay Oh, fuck's sake Well, thank you, Peter. That concludes this episode of Poddius. Thank you so much, everyone, for submitting your things. And keep your eyes peeled for another episode in a fortnight's time. Of course, we've got some things to plug. Don't go anywhere yet.

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Six. We're in year six now. We're in year six, Jesus Christ. Yes, poddiots.com. Three pounds and more to get a shout out at the beginning and the end of the next episode of Poddietz and join Pod Squad. Mikey, kick us off once again, please. The generous, one vowel from Shira, Anonymous, Frogley,

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Poddiots That's what this podcast is called Good my mind slowly unraveling But we're nearly at the end now Peter what's out on video It's six years ago this week. Well, we have got memory cards for February the 19th, which was the PS4, Star Fox Metal Gear Rising.

Five ways to know if Toad from Mario is secretly seeing your wife. It's a helpful video. Yeah, good. The Dark Souls Backwards Controller Challenge for Piece of Cake. That's one of the first piece of cakes. One of the first pieces of cake. We also had, worst games ever. CSI Three Dimensions of Murder, a classic.

we went to a cardboard arcade Vidiots are now sponsored by Turtle Beach a very serious ad memory cards for February the 26th I'm not reading all these games post some tat number three we were finally sent the game which I think was the first time we got a Miley game

I think that's what that is last of many and lastly on day of release of this podcast was the GTA the Bus that Couldn't Slow Down Challenge for piece of cake fantastic Mikey whereabouts are you on the internet

at Parrot Boy on Twitter and Instagram that's the best place is to keep up with what I'm up to these days fantastic and Peter where are we You can find me at That Peter Austin and Ben at Confused underscore Dude both on Twitter but you can find us together on Team Triple Jump over on YouTube and Twitch mainly

where we are playing video games and talking about video games and doing some old viduette-style stuff as well. Worst games ever and cooking and stuff like that. Yeah, about to hit 300,000 subscribers. Very nearly there on the precipice. If you haven't subscribed yet, stop fucking about.

Come on with it. Finally, why not leave us a five-star review on your platform of choice? It helps something to do with Al Gore's rhythms and we'd really, really appreciate it if you can't afford to give monetarily, totally understandable. But this, no excuse. Come on.

Five-star review. Easy, peasy. Doesn't cost you a penny. Do we have a final question before we bugger off for another fortnight? What bird do you think will be stuck in what supermarket next? A pelican in Morrisons, maybe? Oh, I'd love that. Surely Iceland? No, that doesn't make sense. A puffin in Iceland? No? Penguin in Iceland? Yeah, good. I don't know. I'm not the expert here. That's why we're asking you guys to those, no. Because I don't know what it is. Wonderful. Well, thank you so much for listening slash watching everybody. We will see you very soon. Look after yourselves. Good bye. Go and do your grunts.

Thank you.