Podiots - Podiots: Episode 142 – Close Encounters Of The Turnip Kind

Episode Date: March 30, 2024

Mikey’s leading us into battle, Peter’s recounting getting animals high, and Ben’s exploring “new” social media. Donate £3 or more to get a shoutout and join the Pod Squad! - https://podiots.com/ And check our website and store: http://vidiotsofficial.com -------------------   Subscribe for more and TELL YOUR FRIENDS!   YouTube: https://youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Podiots: https://vidiotsofficial.com Pod Squad: https://podiots.com Shop: https://vidiotsofficial.com/shop Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vidiots.official TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@vidiots.official Twitch: https://twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord: https://vidiotsofficial.com/discord/ Site: https://vidiotsofficial.com/   Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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God, if only you can see my face right now. Hello? I'm thinking... I'm thinking hard. You're going to something to say? Think of a... Mike, you think of a really good cold open for us. Yeah, go on.

Hachoo! All the time you want. Oh, cold. They're very good. I like it. Okay. Well, all right. We're started on fire.

I was thinking, what's your favorite jacket potato filling? Is that a hard hitting cold open for you? I mean, I can give you a controversial cold open in that I don't really like jacket potatoes very much. Jesus. I'm glad to agree, Peter. I think it's on the scale of good to bad potatoes.

It's not the best. No. Not the best, but it's also far. from the worst. My God, I didn't know I was podcasting with a bunch of heathens all these years. It's just fine. Nothing like, the jack of potato. It doesn't even need anything on it. Bitter-soules. You scoop out all the mushy insides from the mashed potato. Eat it separately. And there's a lovely dessert for your main course. You have just potato skins. It's the full package. Dessert? Well, you're a lunatic. Potato skin dessert. See, I don't mind potato skins,

but you lost me. Well, I was already lost. But the reason I was lost is because of that, mushy, mashy interior. I don't really like mashed potato very much either. I just think it's like, where's the, what is this? Where's the rest of the potato? It's joy, Peter. It's joy. Wow.

I'll eat it. I'm not saying I hate it, but, you know, I just, I wouldn't choose it. Oh, God, that's like the best bit whenever I do a roast of any kind, like mashed potato, a load of butter, salt pepper, a little bit of mustard in it. Oh, I've got a town on that. Bit of Monty's blood. Oh, yeah. Oh, now you're talking.

Oh, all right, well, I was hoping we'd have a discussion about this, but I guess it's just flat out no from you. If you were forced fed a jack of potato, what would you rather was on top of it? Roast potatoes. Roast potatoes, sorry, I'll get my potatoes. No, that's what I'd have on top of it, yeah, just a big stack. And just pick around the jack of potato for the good stuff. Okay, fair.

Yeah. I don't know, I'd probably, like you said, I'd have like maybe some salt and pepper. I'd just sort of season it up, give it a bit of crunch, bit of flame. a bit of interest. What's yours, though, Mikey? You're the expert. You're the connoisseur. Beans, man. Just beans. It's classic. Unsophisticated.

Which is what a lot of people would say. I'd have said tuna in my early years, maybe. But tuna and jack potato always felt wrong. Like, it tasted nice, but it felt wrong. So those days are behind me now, at least. I'm on the god-righteous path of just salty potatoes.

We used to have beans and jacket potatoes quite a lot for tea when I was growing up. And that's maybe why I'm not a huge fan of that. Even that combination, it just does nothing for me. But I think cheese and tuna is a good jacket potato combination. Yeah, you're right, actually. Yeah, cheese would really liven it up for me.

I would like that. Okay. Well, it feels like we've turned a slight corner from the previous total nose of jacked potatoes into some interest. So we'll keep working on it. listen, isn't it? It's been like when I make an omelet, I know it's meant to be

like egg-based, but my omelets are mostly cheese-based. They happen to just have an egg in there as well. I will grate a lot of cheese into my omelette pan, and it's basically just a big cheese patty with a slight egg flavor in there, too.

Oh, slight egg flavor. I respect that. I respect that. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So, yeah, your go-to-you-cooking method is Cheezing everything up until it's barely recognisable as its original form. I respect that. Respect that. Oh, then. Kevin.

Should we ask Kevin what his favorite variety of jacketed potato is? Yeah, what's your favorite, Kevin? Tune. Oh. Oh! Oh! Welcome to Podiot's the official video podcast. It's a conversational podcast where we take some questions from you at home

and obey the law of the three us where everybody brings a thing along to talk about. I'm Ben. I'm Peter. And I'm Michael. Hello, guys. Hello. How are you doing? Oh, I'm all right, thank you.

I thought I'd get in there before you asked this time. Feeling a bit fatigued, not going to lie, there's just, I mean, you're very much in the same boat, Peter, there's just something on every single night this week and it's all content and I'm so tired. I just want a free evening to sit down and do nothing, you know. You're walking talking content machines, you don't get over there. It never ends. The content never stops and I'm feeling a little tired and I walked in after cycling home and

you know that time someone pissed. my bed. Oh yeah. Yeah. In the hotel. Well, someone pissed the rug in the middle of my kitchen. Wasn't your cat? It was not my cat.

So I was looking at it and, well, I stepped on it first and it was soaking wet. Oh no. And I thought, how the fuck has this happened? And I couldn't see any wet patches. There was no tribute trees to the wet thing. Anything on the ceiling? There was nothing coming out of any cupboards. Nothing in the ceiling?

Nothing. I was at a total loss. It was like how an earth is just this wet. And I touched it and I had a sniff. It's water. It's not tinkle. Okay. And I was that how has it happened?

And then I noticed we got a new dishwasher. Oh, wow. And muggins over here plumbed it in because he thought that he could do it properly. And to be fair, he did do it properly, but he just didn't do it tight enough. And the reason I couldn't see the source of the water was because there was a very, very subtle trickle. that was traveling between the grouting and the floor tiles. So it was sort of stealth wetting the rug. So that explained that.

So I pulled it out from the unit, you know, the kitchen counter unit and turned off the valve and mopped it all up. And then what happened? What even happened next? I can't remember. I fed the cat. It's like to do the story all over again. It won't stop. I then got out the toilet

and the cat had run around the house and then thrown up her tea all over the floor Oh my God God and now I've got to go and be funny as well Yeah When does it stop? When does it calm down? Fortunately it comes naturally to you

So you won't struggle But it's very true Yeah Yeah but I'm a bit tired Long week It's only Wednesday How about you? How are you doing Peter Austin?

Very well thanks Yeah I'm good also kind of not loving the fact that it's content tonight, content tomorrow, time of recording we've got our late night stream to be fair, I didn't have my evening stream this week because I was

off sick and had the plops so you know I've not had as much to do but even just two days back to back of like your evening being having a two hour block in the middle of it where you're like doing stuff is yeah it's it gets in the way you a leisure time that's that's all it is i still enjoy what we're doing happy to be here yeah what a blessing what a fun thing to do it's just it's a lot back to back and i'm back to back is what

it is sleepy i want to sit down and play video games but i don't have time i've got my star warms to watch tonight i'm just watching till this podcast is over so i'm going to have fun while i wait yes yes we all will yes i've had i've had three days off work so i'm i'm feeling pretty chipper at the minute. I'm sorry you guys are a bit so busy. If I could donate some days off to you guys, I would, but I want them all for myself, so I won't. It's understandable. Why have you had the days off? I just had days off to use before the end of the financial year. So they all it's a financial year company, is it? We're a calendar year kind of organization. La-di-da. I think I'm quite happy with us because it means if you ever need to bundle up some

days off, you get to do it right now on the first day of spring. So it's been bloody lovely. I've been outside, I ate cake, look at birds, what a day. What a day. Wow, that sounds amazing. All at the same time as well. Cake and birds, that's too much fun, really, if anything. Yeah, it is. I did very nearly go into the Azda Bedminster

with the intention of seeing if there happened to be any birds in that. You can point a cake and look at a bird. All in what your one-stop shop for cake and bird needs. It's surely a wonderland. I didn't make it in, but I am very keen to go back one day soon, or at least make it part of like a fortnightly routine to pop in. Any birds about? No, okay, I'll try again next time.

In the ASDA Birdminster store. I can see the headlines now. Parrot boy caught in Bedminster, Azda. Stuck, cannot find exit. On holiday. He's hanging out in the rafters, just eating bacon. Yeah. Doing poos on passes by. The usual stuff. Usual bird things. Classic badminton stuff. Fantastic. Well, speaking of donating, you were going to donate some

holiday, but actually, I'd rather have money. And if you'd like to donate some money, you can. You don't have to, but you can by going to poddiots.com. Three pounds or more, we'll get you a shout out at the beginning and the end of the next episode. You'll join Pod Squad for this week. And we'll really, really appreciate it. It helps us out. Well done to, well, I'm just going to say, well done to everyone who got into this pod score, because we're only doing it a week after the previous one. Very true. Extremely generous of you all. Mikey, do you want to kick us off?

I'd be delighted. We begin with Mr. Blobby Experience, Glasgow. Donak, 07. The generous Tommy the Wank Engine, and they say, Triggily Cerride here, I've slacked off donations for a while. so please have some extra cheddar. Did you all know some animals, mammals, not humans, have a baculum,

which is a penis bone. The baculum of the waris is the biggest of them all, nearly a metre long. By word, Billy. Jesus. That is too long. Thank you for the penis facts, Tommy. Thank you for your generosity.

Thanks, Tommy. Thank you. We continue with Freddie Weber, Bebba, Bebba. Somehow, Jesus returned, and Stephen Scordes. We've also got Alexa, do you work for the CIA? Alexa, you're lying to me. Sorry, everyone, for doing that to you at home. Lord Brodovich, Frogley, Caroline, DFS have a sale on.

And Caroline, can we get a parrot? Oh, yeah. The answer's yeah. And finally, we've got Mr. Macer. well-known democratic judo Caroline fucking did only on Poddiots can you say

show me your thing That's true There we are Show me your baculum Whatever is your Pod Squad for this week Three pounds or more If you go to Podiatts.com

Get to your shout out at the beginning And the end of the next show You support the things you enjoy And we'll really appreciate it The Cat has decided she said enough for me Go on yeah bugger off I don't want you either Yeah

I'm going to sick somewhere Go do it. Please don't. Do you guys have a favourite out of those ones what we got? I always love a Caroline, but, I mean, I, on a personal level, quite loved, quite loved, or indeed loved, somehow Jesus returned. That's a star warm's joke. Yeah, it's a good one. I'm going to go for Tommy the Wank Engines for his, Tommy the Wank Engines, he's just the one with his penis facts. Because I googled the bone.

and I found one of those bones that was carved into a waris at one end and a polar bear at the other which I think is quite quite cute. Oh, that's nice. That's a penis bone though. It's been carved. Yeah. That's huge. Hang that on your mantel piece.

A meter long probably. That is horrifying. I don't know how I'd feel about having a penis bone on my mantle piece. It's a penis bone with a walrus face. Pretty cute. Or just having one at all. I don't feel like that. We have all seen.

We'll take your whole stock. we have all seen the video of that walrus having a wank though we've basically seen one of these in motion regrettably I wish I hadn't yeah very regrettable every time you look upon your fireplace you'll be reminded of the wanking walrus I will go for

hmm I'm going to go for Caroline DFS have a sale on that was my choice for this week Thank you so much, Pod Squad. We appreciate you. We'll shout you out again at the end of the show. I am Thingman this week. I am in charge of the things. Peter, I would like to hear your listener submitted thing first, if that's okay.

Of course. Only on Podiat's can you say, show me your thing. Show me your, what's the bone called again? Baculum. Show me your baculum, yeah. Baby got baculum. This is from Idris Gazelba at Liam Piccolo on Twitter. and it is according to

the Monmouthshire Beacon which is presumably the Monmouthshire local news site written by Tim Butters and Tim Butters says that Monmouthshire man claims he has found the entrance to secret tunnel network and there is a photo from Wikimedia Commons

of a tunnel and given that it's from Wikimedia Commons I suspect it's not the tunnel that's actually in the news story, but I'll send it to you anyway. Here is a picture of a tunnel. Wow, look at that tunnel. It's a good tunnel, isn't it? I don't think it's the one.

For centuries, rumors have abounded that Abgaveni, which is hard not to say in a Welsh accent, sits on top of a huge underground network of tunnels that were once used by everyone from Owen Glindweer to sex-crazed monks. Oh, the sexy monk tunnel. That's sex-crazed monks. Monks. Over the years, many amateur sleuths have attempted to prove if the tunnels exist, but to no avail, until now, and then there are five full stops.

Ooh, dot, dot, dot, dot. That's way too many. It is. That's not correct. Three or one or zero is all you need. Yeah, calm down. Yeah, please, Tim Butters. Semi-professional long-distance runner, Johnny, sorry, sorry.

So Tim Butters wrote this, and this sentence. is brilliant. Semi-professional, long-distance runner, Johnny Turnip. Yeah, just you wait. This article gets so much better. Believes he has found a portal to the hidden realms of the town, and it happened by accident. Okay. Well done, Johnny Turnip.

Quote, I was trying to make contact with one of the... Excuse me? I haven't read this ahead of time. I was trying to make contact with one of the fair folk when it happened. which I believe means fairies. Yeah. So, okay, explain to turn it. I know that may sound like the ramblings of a lunatic

and once I would have agreed with you. However, after my hyperlinked, encounter with a member of the Tillwith Tag the other week on top of the Blorange. Sorry? Hang on, let's break this down. Twilwith, Tewtweg. Till with Teg.

I don't know how that's pronounced. I've seen it written down many times because I do read about this. kind of from a right till with tag a perspective of history rather than actual

real stuff but till with tag is sorry I was about to tell you what a till with tag is unless you got it there no please please tell us till with tag is the most usual term in Wales for the mythological creatures

corresponding to the fairy folk of Welsh and Irish folklore yes so he says he's found one I believe they were they've kind of transformed over time from just sort of historical legendary character to now being a bit more like treated like fairies.

It's a bit like as if King Arthur was now more like an elven prince in our history. I think it's that kind of thing. But an encounter of a member of the Tildweth tag, the other week on top of the blorange. The blorange. Now, I was always taught that there are no words that rhyme with orange, but clearly there are. I have from that teacher who taught in my primary school, Mr. Gorinj. Yes, indeed. Blorange, also called the Blorange, is a prominent hill overlooking the valley of the river Usk. I'm just tempted to click this hyperlink and find out about his encounter with the hill with tag.

Well, you just know Turnip did a full interview about it. Oh, the headline, when you click on it, is Close Encounters of the Turnip Kind. My God. That's not even good. By reporter Tim Butters. Oh, it's just a soothing. It's him, it's just him, isn't it? And there's a photo of some aliens on there. So I think as well as meeting the till with tag, he's also met some aliens. What was the name of it again?

It's going to be the name of the episode. Close encounters. First Encounters of the turn of kind, exclamation mark is the headline. It's an opinion piece, apparently. Oh, it was only written on the 9th of March. So it's pretty recent news as well in itself. We're on a different article now, but an abig of any man who headed to the Keepers Pond

to catch a glimpse of the Northern Lights last week swears down, in quotes. Go and ask. Although he didn't see the Aurora Borealis, he did make contact with an alien life. Did you fuck? Go and ass. Gee.

Yeah, upon arrival, he realized he had not only got the date wrong, but the... oh no hang on i've skipped a paragraph semi-professional long-distance runner johnny turnip told the drawing why is that his byline he headed up to the blenovan road with this trust nicon f camera typo to take a few snaps of the otherworldly phenomenon for a local facebook community group page yet upon arrival he realized he not only got the date wrong

well the northern lights don't go by date you just don't know what day they're going to happen so i don't know what that means but anyway the two friends he'd arranged to meet there were spitting feathers because they thought Turnip had invited them to an all-night rave as opposed to a heavenly light show. Classic Turnip. Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul

were frothing at the mouth in rage when they realised just how wrong their things had got. Puerto Rico Paul. My God, these are just Simpsons mafia characters. Jesus. Oh, God. So they thought the Northern Lights was going to be a rave. Oh, it continues.

presumably he saw some aliens. I don't know. Let's go back to these tunnels. Right. So, however, after my encounter with a member of the Tillworth tag the other week on top of the Blorange, I'm one of the wide awake gang now. I know those mythical creatures are real. And if we had attempt to catch it, instead of fleeing the scene in fright, we could have been kings of the world.

Fairies can grant wishes, see, and now we know they're real. we're going to capture one and make it do our bidding. This man is insane. Oh, so we've got some old friends here. Turnip reveals that alongside his brothers in arms, Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul, his first bid to trap and tame a Tilworth tag was a failure.

He explained, We tried Big Tony's tactic of erecting this huge steel monolith-like structure on hay bluff to draw one in from the enchanted realms and trap it with a fishing net. Tony had spent a lot of time on top of Lord Hereford's knob as a young man. Hang on, is this a fucking parody news site? This can't be real. What's the name of the site?

Monmouthshire Beacon. I'm looking at some other headlines. Multi-million pound legal claim to compensate people living near Y. No, it's real. It's got an address and everything. Okay. Local news at the heart of the community. right this is real then

this is such bullshit right sorry we'll get to the end of this eventually where was I something about someone's knob Tony had spent a lot of time on top of Lord Hereford's knob as a young man and said there's always been a lot of fairy activity in that neck of the woods

Turnip added I'm not sure about the science behind it but big Tony said a big lump of shiny steel would prove irresistible to the little folk and he knew a builder's yard where some was going spare. Well, after carrying it up to the top of the hill and getting it in the ground, we sat there all night drinking white rum and waiting for something big to happen, but we all know, sorry, but all we got was a big fat nothing. We couldn't be bothered to take it down,

so we left it there for the locals to look at. Not a lot goes on in Powis. I'm not sure how to pronounce that. So we thought it'd give the native something to talk about during the dark nights and dull days. Anyhow, once we'd left the brow-and-arrow country and made it safely back to the urban sophistication of the Mardi, we decided to revert to Plan B in our bid to find a portal to the fairy rounds. Turnip explained that, that Perito Paul's mother, it says. Perito, what?

So does your friends call him. Yeah, that Perito Paul's mother, Pauline, or the witch of Tuesday. Tudor Street, as she was once a... There needs to be a television show about these people. It really does. I don't care if this is just completely made up. It's very well done. The witch of Tudor Street, as she was once affectionately known,

was well versed in fairy law, and so they visited her caravan, just on the outskirts of L'Anthony Priory for advice. Ever since they cleared the slums, the witch left Abba and has refused to return, said Turnip. She said, it's been overrun by beatniks and amateur chefs and not the town she once knew. She's lived in a caravan for years, giving tarot card readings to finance her chocolate addiction and listening to Rick Astley Records. They help with her gout, apparently.

What are you going on? I don't know. Turn it added. However, if you want to catch a fairy, she's your lady. Oh, my God. We told her, sorry, go on, Mikey. I'm not just saying help. Yeah, oh, help, indeed, help.

When we told her what we were planning, she was a bit dismissive and called us a bunch of goons who were meddling in the higher powers, but it was her knowledge of the ancient ways we wanted, not compliments. Turnip revealed the three of them left the caravan armed with the riddle that if they wait by the tree of winter bloc... Again, this is verbatim,

that if they wait by the tree of winter blossom tree by the stones of poetry in the meadow of swans near the river that named a town at the stroke of midnight, the oracle of spikes will lead the way to the hidden realms. The Oracle of Spikes.

I knew straight away where she meant, explained Turnip. Of course she did. She didn't have to dress it up in such ridiculous language though. She could have just said, go to the grass bit near the bus station and wait. So that's exactly what we did. Unsure of what

exactly we were waiting for, the three friends huddled together in Swan Meadows beneath the blossom tree and spent their time violently arguing about who would make the best wish if they did capture a fairy. How old are these guys again? It sounds like they're maybe seven or eight years old. Yeah. It continues now with another typo. Puerto Paul, not Puerto Rico, just Puerto Paul, said he was going to wish for a time machine, revealed Turnip. Apparently, he wants to go back to the night the Beatles played Abaghavanee to find out if Paul McCartney is really his father like he claims.

I said to the dozy tart, think what you'd have to witness to prove your dad is really a beetle. It wouldn't be pleasant. Turnip added, Big Tony had a better wish. He wanted to be the owner of the biggest construction company in the UK. It's a

nice idea for a man with a strong work ethic, but limited abilities like tone, but it still stinks of a small town mentality. When I revealed my wish would be to become a god, you could see them growing suspicious. Failing to think big has always been their problem. The three musketeers reverie was eventually broken by a rustling coming from a nearby tree, and in the moonlight what looked like a small mythical creature appeared and made tentative movements towards them. We're nearly at the end, I promise. Turnip recalled, Big Tony grabbed his net and was about to pounce

when Puerto Paul screamed Leave it alone you big lump It's a bloody hedgehog You can imagine our disappointment explained Turnip We came for the wings And we got the spikes The hedgehog wandered by all brazen

And gave us a contemptuous scowl That seemed to suggest Not my circus, not my monkeys I'm not familiar with that phrase All right However, when we followed the Oracle of Spikes, that's the hedgehog, we found something a lot better than a fairy, we found the secret entrance to Abergavenny's lost network of tunnels

to be continued. What the hell? What? This is just not. What is this? That felt like a children's story. That was so, so colourful. This is under the, I just noticed, this is also under the opinion label rather than news.

So I think maybe Tim Butters is just writing a very strange work of fiction, like an episodic, like a serial. Yeah. I don't know. And the opinions. He's written some interesting stuff. Zombies would much prefer Monmouthshire to Powis study finds. Don't know what that means. What?

No, news. That's news. That's news. Of course. That's real. Jesus. What a strange thing. Well, while you're reading that, I did Google Mr. Turnip just to see if there's anything else floating around from him.

Could I quickly read a few lines from another article about Mr. Turnip? This is from the Abba Gavani Chronicle. The headline reads, Abba athlete believes sunstroke triggered vivid hallucinations. And I'm just going to read a couple of lines from him. Well, he's an athlete now, is he? Oh, well. Not semi-professional.

The way he approaches running, you'll. think he's an athlete. Okay. Turnip, who claims to average 92 miles a day, had just finished his late afternoon run and was wandering around Abagavagany Castle

with his celebratory four-pack of Stella when he began to feel a tad peculiar. To how many miles a day? 92. 92 miles a day? That's not out the realm of possibility, but maybe when you're down in a four-pack of stellar at a castle at the end of it,

it might be a bit tricky. Who is this man? Sorry, there's a couple more lines here and I think it paints a beautiful picture of this man. Turnip explained, I had nothing on but a pair of hot pants and my Nike airs, but I was still dripping in sweat like a fat bird in a curry house. Because it was a proper boiler, I was necking the stella like a rabid dog. And just as I was emptying the last can and savoring the last few drops of Belgium's finest,

my legs suddenly turned to lead and I fell flat on my back. And it goes on to talk about some of the hallucinations he had. But I, who is this man? I'm so confused. This article's from 2018 as well. So this might be a long-running inside joke with some dudes in Wales. Yeah, I mean, weirdly, I've just done a Google for Monmouthshire Tunnels. And on the 5th of March 2021, so three years ago, almost of the day,

there was a story written up by ITV News, so more reputable, about a secret tunnel being found by some like, power workers, like people who were digging for utilities, they found a tunnel system dating back to the 18th century. But I don't know if that's... I don't know. I don't know what's going on here. This is very confusing. Because no news article in which a man has discovered tunnels

ends without any reference to the tunnels and the words to be continued. There was no... It didn't talk about the tunnels there at all in that story. they found a hedgehog and then that was it. Well, I mean, very weird. Indeed. Keeping my eyes on the Monmouthshire beacon and see what comes next. Yeah, I hope you get a second part.

How odd. I want to know what happens. Well, wonderful. Yes, thank you, Tim. And thank you to the person who sent that in. It was Idris Gazelba. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Mikey, would you like to tell us all about your thing? I'd love to. I've got a little thing here about one of the most amazing starts to a battle that I think may ever be recorded in history. Okay. And this is taken from a cracked.com article. No one wants to fight a crazy dude. Even if you're already mentally prepared to take some damage in a physical fight, if you figure out that your opponent is a certified freak,

you might instead offer a ceasefire just to save yourself. You just know that biting and pulling of sensitive parts will be involved. And now, oh, yeah, imagine this on the grandest scale. Two sides gearing up for a historical battle, nerves at an all-time high. Archers ready. When the opposition sends out a single man to do some weird shit, your tactics melt like butter, replaced with a, mixture of confusion and rage.

And this is exactly what happened at the Battle of the Hastings in the year 1066. Oh. Battle of the Hastings. Why did I say Battle of the Hastings? Battle of Hastings. Battle of Hastings Direct.com. The two opposing Hastings families. That's the forever.

I don't remember the rest of the number, but 1066. 0800.0, right? Isn't that easy? God, four numbers used to be so short. Oh, yeah, all right. Sorry, I got a distracted memory lane there. So, yeah, this wasn't some little side squabble. It was a showdown between English and Norman soldiers

that would end with the Normans taking control of England. A battle in which the first blow was struck, not by a brave commander or a charging foot soldier, but by a minstrel, a meal. immediately after a juggling act. Wow. I did not know of this. Yeah, this is absolutely, like I did, like, do my research and I looked this up and

multiple different sources corroborated the details of this. So there's a good chance this happened. I'm not going to say it happens exactly as it's portrayed here, but it's something, something pretty rad happened on the battlefield that day. So this mad lad in question was a guy by the name of Talifa. So with troops at the ready, the battle not yet begun Talifa saw his time

to shine and walked out solo into no man's land he started singing a song called the Chanson de Ruland if you want some background ambience I'm going to send over a version of the song so you can listen to this

if you so please I put this in the background of the podcast just a there's a big chunk of text coming up that foretells the the tale of this battle, so this made a good audience. Yeah, the song is a certified banger. But this wasn't entirely outlandish, given that it's not like songs weren't often used

to motivate warriors into battle. What was weird was that at the same time, he began a sword and spear juggling act that according to records was extremely cool. Extremely cool. Extremely cool. That's what it said on the bio tapestry, right? Yeah.

According to historical records. It was really cool. There's just like 2D pictures of people dabbing and stuff. One of who's got an arrow in his eye, but he doesn't care. Talifa's out. Everybody, get ready. So now it's time for the actual kind of historical bit of the article. This is quoted from historian Jeffrey Gamar,

and he offers a description of Talifers' little pre-show battle in his book, History of the English. His name was Talifa. A minstrel juggler of considerable courage, he was armed and mounted on a fine horse, an intrepid and noble warrior. Placing himself in front of the others, he performed amazing feats before the English. He seized his spear by the butt, just as if it had been a little stick, threw it up high into the air and caught it again by its point as it fell.

three times he tossed the spear up this way and by the time he raised it for the fourth time he had come so close to the opposing enemies that he hurled it straight into the English and wounded one of the English troops as I drove into his body so he started off of this throwing a spear edge closer

they just let him keep getting closer because they were probably really impressed this guy's sick He's extremely cool. And so once you think maybe after he drove a spear into someone, the other side would begin the battle. But no, Talafer stepped back, drew his sword, then threw it high into the air, and caught it again as it fell.

People who saw him do this said to each other that the feats he was performing before their eyes were nothing short of magic. Wow. They just carried someone with a spear in him. now and they're just like, do another one. Give him a minute he's going to be really cool. So yeah, this dude did like the medieval equivalent of whipping out a butterfly knife and doing some mad tricks in someone's face and then just proceeding to stab into someone's

gut. Of course, once he landed this knife, so he caught this sword after it thrown up into the air, shit was properly on and Talford was almost instantly and unsurprisingly overrun and killed. No. It went out like an absolute boss, though. Yeah, maybe he saw the writing on the walls. He just thought, maybe this isn't going to be a good battle. At least I'm going to go out in style, and boy, did he.

So, Talfour, we salute you, and your mad stunts with sharp objects. On his pedal bite, amazing. Something about the, the, wasn't the English Civil War, was it? No, what was that called? That era where they were deciding what king, who became. gets to be the new king in 1066. The War of the Roses? Oh, no. No, I don't think it's the War of the Roses. It's just the Battle of Hastings, wasn't it? What's the... Yeah, but there were, I don't know if it was a, oh, it was just the Viking invasions of England,

apparently, is the name of the ongoing conflict. Okay. But it was something about that period bred interesting individuals, because also in 1066, I remember reading about this as a kid, at the Battle of Stamford Bridge, uh, there was a, uh, there was a, They were literally fighting over an actual bridge. Stamford Bridge was like an important river crossing. And they came together. Where is this? Hang on.

The English advance was delayed by the need to pass through the chokehold point presented by the bridge itself. The Anglo-Saxon Chronicle and the Chronicle of Henry of Huntington has it that one of the Norwegians, possibly armed with a Dane axe, blocked the narrow crossing and single-handedly held up the entire English army. This guy, he's referred to as like the berserker of Stamford Bridge, apparently. The story is that this Viking alone cut down up to 40 Englishmen and was only defeated when an English soldier floated under the bridge in a barrel

and thrust his spear up through the planks of the bridge mortally wounding the warrior. His name was not preserved in the aftermath of this battle. But God, all these 1066 battles had like this one celebrity doing something really cool. Something completely mad. Oh, my God. Wow, yeah, I guess every battalion has its character.

And sometimes I think, let's send him out on his own and get him out of the way. He's a bit annoying in the barracks soon, all this day. Let's get him dead, shall we? God, your guy, Mikey, like, you'd think more people would know about him, given that it was the actual Battle of Hastings, which is one of, like, the most famous battles in, like, English history. Yeah. He's got his own Wikipedia.

He's got a Wikipedia article as well. Well, I think, honestly, the highlight of his life was that one instance. But there's some songs written about him. There's a tapestry of him. So he's done all right for history for doing some sick tricks with his swords. God, they should have definitely taught us that at school. It would have really set the scene for the Battle of Hastings. Got people interested.

Yeah, absolutely. Thank you very much, boys. That is my thing. Amazing. Thank you, Michael. Brilliant. Time for my viewer slash listener submitted. thing. This comes courtesy of

Matthew Knight at Matthew 47-1-3-0-7-200. Great username on Twitter. And it's an article from the Irish mirror. Mum, oh, there's a typo in the fucking headline. Nice.

Mums spots face of Jesus in bird poo on her car window. Oh no, mums. Mums. bird poo is capitalised at like all caps in the headline in bird poo Bird poo

Breaking poos Claudia Cooper 43 was astonished to see the instantly recognisable image of Christ on her car's window Would you like to see Jesus? I would love to see Jesus in poo If you hover over it

there's a caption that pops up that says Messianic mess The Jesus like bird poo Here we are he somehow Jesus returned there he is Jesus Christ

what no that's not even good like a lot of these things when these you know it's like toast or whatever or on a cornflake it does actually look like Jesus

but that looks like the scream yeah it does yeah screams grown his hair out a bit good God yeah that's just terrifying or like yeah it looks more like

Karl Marx I'd say than anything Mm, a little bit. Do you want to learn some more? Yes. A mum was astonished after she spotted the perfectly formed face of Jesus hyphen, in a bird poo. What? Amused Claudia Cooper, 43, was returning to her car when she saw the instantly recognisable image of Christ.

The smear on the front window of her white BMW 2 looks exactly like the son of God, and the family are hoping it brings them good luck. mum of two Claudia from Crowthorn Barkshire and then it's just a colon and a quote

doesn't say said we were walking back to the car after watching a friend's son in a hockey match and spotted it straight away we just thought it was really funny it was just hilarious

it was so perfect in shape I'm having to expand the article now and now I'm getting loads of pop-ups we just all couldn't stop laughing it's a pity the bottom of his face

seems to have slipped down, but it's still very funny. When we got home, all the neighbours had a laugh too, and the kids keep showing it to their friends. Oh, God. Clean your car. The divine dropping happened while the car was parked close to Wellington College in Crowthorn,

or maybe Crowthorn, on Saturday afternoon. Furniture shopworker, Claudia and her husband, David, 37, a plumber, haven't, that's important, haven't washed the car, and sons Sam, 10, and Josh, 5, have been showing their friends the mark. It's still on the car because we haven't had any rain, she said.

The old wife's tale says that it is good luck to be pooed on by a bird. So the Cooper family are hoping the Jesus-shaped dropping will do the same for them. I certainly hope it will, said Claudia. You would like to think so. That's the end of the article. It does not look like Jesus. Not really, no. Yeah, I'm just going to say, I'm just going to reiterate the car mark's point because it just, it does like it's the shape of it yeah it's very it's just like a slightly stretched car marks yeah because the dark like there's a big like empty patch on the bird poo but that could be his his dark mustache you're right mike it is car marks right let's get back to the papers let's let's

let's do a correction you've got it wrong guys yeah it's car it's been a long time since you've had a jesus shaped uh object in the news on potty it's at least and i mean still today we've not quite had that but I'm a big fan it's amazing seeing them stretch it out as long as they can. The image of them going home hurriedly telling the neighbours

come, come look at the Jesus show you on the car. It's hilarious. We all laughed. I should have done what they did in that Simpsons episode and just park it in the garage and charge people to come in. Yeah, build a shrine.

See the Jesus poo. But there we are. That is my viewer submitted thing. Thank you very much. I believe that was Matthew who sent that in. Thank you. Matthew. Let me check. I'm just vamping for time while I just double check. It was Matthew. Thank you,

Matthew. Peter Austin, it's time for your thing. Bankmore oncores when you switch to a Scotia Bank banking package. Learn more at scotiabank.com slash banking packages. Conditions apply. Scotia Bank. You're richer than you think. It is. I have got a bit of an article here that we don't need to read in full because basically it's all just in the headline, but it will lead into an extra bit of stuff that I brought along. This is according to skynews.com. They're all high, colon. Rats eat marijuana from police evidence room. Good for them. Rat droppings have been found on officers' desks in the New Orleans, New Orleans, New Orleans

police headquarters which have been taken over by mold and cockroaches according to the department. Rats that managed to get into the evidence room at a decaying police headquarters building have been eating confiscated marijuana the New Orleans police chief has said

the rats are eating our marijuana they're all high she told city council members on Wednesday the uncleanliness in the building is off the charts and that's it there's no sort of amusing stories of rats you know like getting the munchies and eating cheetos or anything like that but it's just shit here yeah it's just shit here from the understanding the biology of the rat and how it's somewhat similar

to us i would think based on the amount or concentration they take in it would be somewhat similar to what humans experience mr harrison said who i think is some sort of expert in high rats or something yeah yeah exactly um but it got me thinking um about animals getting high and which animals do it and why and how? Because we all know about dolphins biting puffer fish, don't we? I think that's quite often sort of spoken about on the internet. There's like a blowfish and dolphins like to take in a small amount of the toxin and it apparently makes them high.

But I've got an article here from Zamnesia written by Adam Parsons. And this has a list of 10 animals that like to get high or engage in some kind of recreational substance use and the rat and the dolphin does not, they don't appear, either of them. So we're going to learn about some more animals that like to enjoy a bit of the gange or equivalent. It's good, I like it.

Humans love to get high, and apparently animals as well. While we're always busy enjoying and exploring new highs, many animals have become proficient stoners themselves. Elephants are very intelligent and socially complex animals. They mourn the death of a family member, feel emotions such as joy and depression, and teach their young in order to pass knowledge down

through the generations. What this means, though, is that elephants can learn what gets them high, get enjoyment from it, and then teach their young to follow suit. Elephants have learned that overripe and fermenting fruit, such as that of the Marula tree, will get them drunk. Whilst the idea of elephants stumbling around in a drunken haze,

maybe amusing to some, it's actually causing an increasing alcoholism problem amongst elephants in both India and Africa. What's more, because elephants are pretty intelligent because of increasing interactions between our two species, they've learned that where there are humans, there is also alcohol. What makes this scary is that elephants are mean drunks. There are reports of groups of elephants literally raiding and destroying villages in the drunken rage in their continuing quest for booze. Oh my God, no. When it comes to drugs,

elephants have also acquired a taste for the Iboga plant, a powerful hallucinogen. They will eat it to get a pleasurably trippy high whenever they find it, and because the young learn from the old, it becomes a family event. That's got to be the scariest animal to be tripping balls is a massive bloody elephant.

Yeah. Either that or cocaine bear, An elephant would be pretty scary. Bees. Turns out the life of a worker drone is not all that's cracked up to B. It doesn't say B like that. It just says it with 1E.

Damn it. It's a trick there. And what do they turn to in order to take some of the weight off their shoulders? Well, alcohol, of course. Scientists have found that bees seem to have a natural draw

to the sweet embrace of fermenting fruit and sugars. They've also found in lab studies where constant supply is given, bees will develop an alcohol alcohol addiction. The only thing that appears to be stopping them from developing severe problems in the wild is the pressure of the hive to keep feeding the colony, and possibly the bounces. No joke. The bees whose usual job it is to keep out unwanted pests from the hive, such as

wasps, will also stop drunk members of the colony from entering until they sober up. Reports suggest they even go as far as to chew off the legs of repeat offenders. That's a bit too far. That happened to me at a club once. I kept trying to get in. They were like, no, I'm going to eat your leg. Is these legs? Yes.

Wallerbies. Within the last few years, there have been a growing report, there have been growing reports of Australian wallabies ransacking medical poppy fields. That's where heroin comes from. Well, opium. Australia is responsible for supplying 50% of the world's poppy slash opium to be used in the creation of medication

such as morphine and other painkillers. These willing marsupials have learnt that these crops can act as more than just a source of food. Reports describe how the wallabies will gorge themselves on poppies spending the rest of the day hopping around the field,

creating crop circles whilst high as a kite. That sounds lovely. Horses. Lockeweed is a family of weeds that can be found in North America. It's a mind-altering drug that's highly addictive to horses.

What's sad about this weed, though, is it's also poisonous. It's reported that during the harsher winter months, loco weed is one of the only things that will grow, giving some horses that are left in paddocks, very little option but to eat it. They'll start off eating it like they would anything else for its nutritional value, but they soon end up getting hooked and actively seeking it out.

The constant consumption of loco weed will kill a horse over a few years, so ranchers have to keep an eye out. Detoxing a horse can also be a very dangerous, can also be a very dangerous affair. Much like as with humans, withdrawal symptoms can really bring out the worst in them. Most owners have to keep their horses sedated

until it's fully left their systems. Oh no. Poor horses. So each of these items in the list has the name of the animal and then also the substance that we're about to talk about. is bears, mushrooms, and jet fuel. So I don't know how they're sourcing that, but we're about to find out.

Whilst sounding like quite a combination, this is not something that happens in tandem. There are reports that bears have been eating Amanita muscaria in order to get high, presumably in North America, where this type of mushroom is most commonly found. This is, however, this is, no, this is what it says. This is, however, has very little. little real evidence to back this up. Good. Okay. Yeah.

What there is evidence of, however, is bears getting high off jet fuel in Russia. Apparently, bears are bears are sniffing empty cans of kerosene and gasoline left at the Kronotsky Nature Reserve in the far east of Russia. The fuel is used to power helicopters used by the reserve's workers, but the bears have found a much better use for it. They've been documented taking huge whiffs of it, digging themselves a shallow hole, and then lying in it on their backs, legs and arms outstretched in a sedated stupor. That's amazing, just looking at the stars.

Yeah. Big Horn sheep. Within the rocky wilderness of Canada lives a very unique and rare species of lichen, a lichen that has a potent psychedelic quality because of its rarity and extremely, and because of its rarity, it is extremely hard to find. It is reported to take decades to grow even on a single rock.

However, it appears to be a rare find worth pursuing. The bighorn sheep, native to the area, will risk life and limb to get it. What's really surprising, though, is the lichen has absolutely no nutritional value for these sheep. They are literally chasing a high. Oh.

Reindeer. They'll eat all kinds of vegetation to survive, but it turns out one of the things they like to eat is Amanita Muscaria. Those are the ones we just talked about with the bears. They are, I believe, the classic red toadstools with white spots on. That's what those are.

Reindeer can't actually metabolize the psychedelic compounds of the mushroom, which is why Nordic shamans who use mushrooms for spiritual visions would feed the mushroom to reindeer and then harvest their urine for later psychedelic uses. In addition to this, it seems the reindeer

love the experience. Scientists believe that reindeer actively seek out the mushrooms to keep themselves occupied during the long winters. Why didn't they just eat the mushrooms themselves rather than filtering it through the deer into his piss? Yeah, it feels like an excuse for something from someone who got caught. Yeah, it does. Oh, I'm drinking this reindeer piss because it's a psychedelic thing. It's how I take my drugs. It's way pure this way. Why are you holding the the reindeer penis, don't worry about it, it's for work. It's a work, it's a prank, bro. It's just a video.

The next one is cats and cat mint, which I think we're all aware of, and this has turned out to be quite a lengthy article, so I'll move on to the one after that. Capuchin monkeys and lemurs like to eat hallucinogenic millipedes, apparently. Several species of millipedes will secrete a poison

when they feel threatened. Monkeys and lemurs are found they can cover themselves with this poison, warding off parasites and getting high at the same time. However, nothing in life is free, and users of millipede venom can certainly end up paying a price. It's filled with cyanide. This means that the monkeys and lemurs run a very high risk of death

when they dabble in millipede, but when is a little bit of danger ever stopped anyone? And finally, we've got jaguars. Jaguars, much like smaller cats, eat green vegetation to force regurgitation. thereby cleansing their digestive systems. But it appears this big cat discovered something that does more than just cleanse the stomach.

Kapi is to Jaguars, what catnip is to our domestic cats. They just can't seem to get enough of it. It has them rolling around the rainforest floor, hallucinating and tripping out of their wits. The Kapi vine acts as an M-A-O-I, heightening the senses and in large doses causing a psychedelic experience on its own. And indeed, among Ayahuasca explorers, the jaguar is considered a very special animal.

It's said with sufficient skill, a shaman can transform into a jaguar, a much sought-after power. Apparently, and that's how the article ends. You drink enough reindeer piss, and you'll be a jaguar, you'll be whatever you want. Drinking piss, sniffy kerosene, you'll be on your way to being unstoppable. You can't have your dessert until you drink your piss. You can't have your potato skins. yeah oh my god

they go they're all getting high out there it's not just the rats in the police station but I think the rats in the police station are doing it right I think so fantastic thank you Peter you're welcome Michael Johnson I would like to hear your listener slash viewer submitted thing

absolutely this one comes from Glenn Donnelly at Funky Cobra on Twitter and I think a couple of episodes ago, we discussed the Florida Man Games, if that rings any bells for you guys. Ah, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Gravy Bay, Florida Bay. I am pleased to announce that the first annual Florida Man Games were everything we could have hoped for and more, says Quinn Eaton of WhiskeyRiff.com. Whoa. Whiskey Riff.

Everybody's favorite news site. There'll be gone. How did it take this long for the Florida man games to come together. For years, headlines that include Florida man and or Florida woman have dominated the news space and someone finally put an event together in the Sunshine State to crown one Florida man supreme. This is the Florida man. When news first broke later last year that this competition would be held in 2024,

I happily reported that the Florida Man Olympics, loose term, would include some of the following challenges. Weaponized pool noodle mud jewel. Category 5, cash grab. I think that's like a little tornado we have to try and grab cash. Evading arrest obstacle course. Beer belly Florida sumo

and the mullet contest. Wow. What a lineup. That's what I'm there for. All of those promised events occurred, as did some additional features that must have been added on later in the planning. Good God.

Based on some other reports out of the Florida Man games that took place in St. Augustine, Florida, alligator shows and, oh no, alligator selfie photo ops were big hits during the proceedings. Now, please, come on, don't... That's silly. That's silly. Jesus. Come on, come on, my little five-year-old son.

Come stand next to this heavily sedated crocodile. Let's get a photo, good times. Soon we'll be in the headline. as a Florida man. Yeah. But what people were really there for, above everything else, were the multitude of Florida men

competing against one another in challenges inspired by some classic Florida man shenanigans. The event officially got kicked off with an electric star-spangled banner performance, which was rift out on an electric guitar by a man wearing an American flag tank top. Hell, of course. Yeah, brother.

Makes you proud to be British. One of the competitors that was interviewed, James Gordon, said that he was there to win and added this legendary quote when asked about the games themselves. I've lived in Florida my whole life. I can't know. That sounds...

I'm going to keep going with it. I've lived in Florida my whole life. They're calling these events. I'm calling this a shit Tuesday afternoon. Wait, sorry. this shit a Tuesday afternoon. There you go. Not a shit Tuesday afternoon.

It's a really good Tuesday afternoon, actually. This is just a standard Tuesday afternoon for your boy, James Gordon. That quote alone puts Gordon on the short list of greatest athletes of all time. Excuse me, Mr. Turnip over here, would like to argue with that. Gordon won the barbecue pork and sausage speed eating events. And as for some of the other contest that took place, you'll have to take a look at the video below. Okay, I'm going to send on the video. Let's see if anything gets mentioned in here.

I'm going to quickly skim through. It just looks like, okay, here's the, oh, my God, the underwhelming performance of the Star-Spangled Banger in the man in a tank top. There he is, yeah. Oh, God. Sausage eating contests. Is that bicycle, they're on a bike now? The activities involve brawling, drinking, gunfire, reptile wrangling, and others that carry a risk of jail. Or jail timer in tents of cares, looks like there's men...

What's the bicycle one where they've got a second bicycle attached to their... I think that's just it. I think you just have to cycle with a bike in your hand. I feel like maybe this is a game where they have to replicate stealing a bike. Maybe. They're a bit rough in that paddling pool, aren't they? Oh, my God. The mud wrestling is just dirty water.

It's not actual mud. All the muds are just in the background of the mud pool. My God. Loads of people there. Oh, there's James Gordon. Yeah, it looks like a James Gordon. Big, big, bushy beard on that, man. Yeah.

I'm going to continue the article. Last bit of the article. Not sure if you caught that Star-Spangled banner clip, but that was legendary Hurricane Chaser Lane Pittman. On hand for the National Anthem. I know it well. It looks like a hymn. Lane has made a name for himself head-banging in the middle of hurricanes,

for he shit, and it also went viral after he got arrested for playing the National Anthem Jimmy Hendrick style in Neptune Beach on the 4th of July back in 2015. So this is a certified dude. Wow. So he just goes to where hurricanes are happening and rocks out, and I respect him for that. God bless.

God bless Florida. And that is the results of the Florida man competition. They ate sausages and fought each other in the mud. What a day. It's a shame we didn't crown an ultimate Florida man out of every, you know, just the Florida man of them all. That's what I would have liked to have seen. Yeah.

It's a first attempt, isn't it? It's the first year. Yeah. I'm sure they'll get there. Some way they can improve. Yeah. You've got to give people a reason. come back. You want to dethrone the last Florida man.

Yeah. Yeah, next time. We'll see. Thank you very much Glenn Donnelly, Funky Cobra, for sending that in. Absolutely. Thank you, Mikey. It's now time for my thing. In the spirit of cross-promotion and brand synergy and after that one person asked for us to bring back questions and we said no. I thought

it might be nice to turn to brand. and new social media platform, Instagram. I don't know if you've heard of Instagram. It's quite a new one. It's not been around for very long. You can follow us on there at vidyat's dot official, where we post all sorts of stuff, including things like this.

We actually requested some questions. I have some quick fire questions for us to answer. Are you guys ready? Oh, okay. Okay, let's go. That is my thing. My thing is just a little, we're going to dip our toes back into the old ways

and just sample a selection of questions that people submitted. Are you ready? Yeah. Fingers on buzzers. Let me get to the right page first. Okay, here we go. Drop tuned prodigy asks, what is the worst of the worst games

you ever played on Vidiots? God. I think it was a Vidiots one. Robin Hood's quest is one that always comes to mind. I think that was triple jump. Oh, no. That was a triple jump on Fibox.

I'll say Hulk Hogan's main event. Yeah. Yeah, that was bad. Fight Box, the one that never even made it to being published because it was just too bad and also because the video corrupted. Yeah, we played that on Triple Jump recently on World Games Ever. It finally made it. But, yeah, that was really bad.

Have you got one, Peter? No, I kind of agree with Fight Box, actually. Or maybe Lassie was kind of bad. It's hard to remember them all. Oh, Charlotte's Web was awful. That was Triple Jump. Oh, yeah. Was it, these are all triple jump?

I think so, yeah. Okay. Don't know. It's my headset. They can't ever win which ones. Billy Wizard. Wizard Billy. Oh, yeah.

Rocket broomstick racing. Did he see Santa Claus saves the world? I think so. Yes. I think that was the last one of the last ones we did. Just before we finished, I think. We changed. Yeah, changed.

Before we changed. Okay, cool. Jimmy Cottom asks what food slash meal would be your go-to if you had to take part. in an eating challenge. Ooh. Oh. I mean, I can put away pizza pretty well.

Yeah. Crisps. I reckon there's a lot of crisps. Yeah. You can always eat more crisps, can't you? Exactly. I would go with hash browns. Oh, good shout.

Any sauce on the side of just dry, dry browns? Just dry as that? No, probably some sauce as well. But I would eat as many hash browns as I could in a certain amount of time. I could give that a go, I reckon, probably. Not that, Lewis says, what are your favourite naming conventions and trends, in the in brackets Caroline, to come from the Pod Squad?

Oh, I mean, Caroline is definitely up there for me. Definitely, yeah. I liked a lot of them, the Cheggas puns we had for a good long time, like Cheggis from back in, yeah, that was a good run. I always like when someone references something from the previous episode. I think that's always fun. Every time we forget. Yeah, we normally forget.

That's probably why I enjoy it so much. Because we're like, what is that about? One time we refunded one of them because we thought we didn't get the context and we thought it was really maybe rude or insensitive. But it wasn't. It was a reference to literally what we'd done in the previous episode, but we couldn't remember. So that was fun. I agree with Mikey.

I like the fake country names with Poddiet's friends in, like Cheggis, Slovakia. Very good. Enjoy that a lot. Maxi Basque says if the king kicked you out where would you go to live I'd go live in the woods with the gnomes in their little cars lovely maybe the Republic of Ireland I quite like the climate here is the thing

I know it's obviously kind of grey and horrible but I also I prefer it to being really humid or really hot or really cold so i wouldn't want to go too far and i would also quite like to be somewhere where i speak the language so you know i would like to go somewhere warmer slash sunnier but it has to have decent internet air conditioning and no neighbors that's my that's my choice you know sometimes when you go on holiday to a hot country and you see these these little houses that are completely white and they're just like dotted on the hill You're like, who lives there?

You never see anyone going out. That's where I want to live. That's one of my houses. I think it's a serious answer. I'm just going to say Brussels or Belgium, something like that. Quite nice. Like, yeah, it seems. Again, I think I agree with Peter.

I like the climate here. So I just want that, but not here. So move along the longitude of the earth a bit. Bam, there you go. Excellent. Hans Dominic asks, what do you think Caroline looks like? Oh. I kind of picture Lorraine from the London area

when I think of Caroline. I'm picturing like blonde, short bob glasses, like those thin kind of wireframe glasses. Oh, so she sort of wants to see the manager, that kind of. But not total, not total manager-seeker. Just like, she's got a hint of it about her. Right. I when I think of Caroline

I'm I'm re-watching Superstore at the moment which is a sitcom and there's someone who works at the store called oh Pippers brought me a hair bubble thank you I can't right now but in a bit called Carol funnily enough and Carol looks like this and I think that's sort of what I imagine

Caroline looking like because she's a bit of a Karen a bit of a sociopath as well I imagine someone with sort of long dark hair maybe sort of middle aged yeah slightly threatening energy that's your one as well okay

Jamie Barker Star says sometimes you guys joke about not enjoying this podcast and wanting to stop do you actually want to stop like we did earlier in this exact episode oh dear no no we don't want to stop it's always a joke. It is it's a privilege actually

and it's really nice to be able to do well for one thing it's a nice way to keep in touch with Mikey Jay I think all the way down here. Yeah. Because I'm rubbish and like even if I really want to keep in touch with various friends

I just sort of don't because I I'm just not wired that way I don't think to do it so if I didn't have a reason I would definitely not hear as much from Mikey through no fault of either of us, I'm sure. Yeah, consider this like your visitation

rights for me, a child, Michael Johnson. And it's always, you know, it's nice to interact with the audience and hear what the weird news is this week. Yeah. Yeah, it's great. Keep the spirit of Vidiots alive. Damn right. By reading articles about Jesus-shaped objects.

That's what, yeah, there we go. That's why we started Vidiots. It's always the goal. It's always a joke. If we do occasionally say, this fucking podcast, but, you know, it's, It's been six years We'll add a little bit

of Tom Fiore. Yeah, and that's to be grumpy. Yeah, and when it's like 8pm and we want our tea that's sometimes when we're feeling like okay, yeah, I don't want to go and have my tea now. Next question.

This is the penultimate question. By God it's Jake asked You've been put to death. What's your final meal? Three courses and a drink. Butterfield Diet Optional. Oh. Three.

Horses. Bear in mind that you might overdo it. You might be tempted to overdo it with one of your courses and then you won't have any room. Yeah. I really like if I know I'm going to die, I'll just like use it as a challenge to see just how much food I could shove in me. So I don't think a full tum-tum is going to stop me. Oh. You want to explode in the chair. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Okay. You wanted to smell delicious as they elect to you. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I just eat a bunch of raw foods and cook inside of me, like a hot pot. I have a question for you, Mikey. Hello. If you knew you were going to die, would you compromise your morals and ethics and eat something non-vegan or would you stick with it right to the end? I reckon I'd probably crack.

I could, yeah, why not? You were to just go to some cheese. Yeah, why not? I'm putting off this long. I'm going to die. Why not? I think I'd do like a tuna pasta bake to start with salt, salted crisp, sprinkled on top to add some crunch. Mm-hmm.

the main oh what do I want I want fucking chicken and waffles why not never had it before now's the time why not my brave for a final meal choice but you know I'm a brave man and for dessert

or just loads of mango sorbet actually loads of mango sorbet I'd have a light dessert after that and then that like yeah so that just kind of a little refresher before I go to the chair Yeah, what drink Oh, Rio

Why not? Let's go back to the classics Oh, no, Dr. Pepper Zero, Dr. Pepper Zero, Dr. Pepper Zero. Yeah, you've got watching your figure as you die I've filled up on past a bit of hair My teeth are fuzzy, you can't have that No, literally, I can't do full-fat drinks It does make me feel, actually, yeah, I'm about to die, so what does it matter?

You're going to die? It's great, give me full-fact Dr. Pep. Let's go for you, man. Thank you. What are you thinking, Peter? Um, man, I would maybe have, um, oh, it's difficult to pin down because there are a few things that if they're on the menu when you're in a restaurant, I'm like, yes, I will order that. I order it every time. I really like muscles. Ooh. Yeah, I really like those. Sometimes they're a starter. Sometimes they're a main. I also, I'd go with the thing that I order most often as a starter, which is like chicken patte, chicken liver patte with a bit of like red onion marmalade or chutney. That and give me plenty of toast or bread.

Don't, you know, you always run out of slices of toast when you order paté. So, yeah, enough bread. And then I would either have like just a basic bitch pepperoni pizza, but like a really good one. Or steak and chips, which is also fairly basic. But you know what? That's just who I am. A bit of popcorn sauce. Yeah, yeah.

That's it. Oh, yeah. And then I would end with an even more basic option, but I don't get to have it very often. I'd have some vanilla ice cream with like red sauce on it. Like red strawberry sauce. Monkey's blood. Yeah, monkey's blood.

Let it melt a little bit and then stir it all in so it becomes like a pink paste. That's how I eat my ice cream. I'll tell you what, I've got a great recommendation for you. If you put it in a drink cup and then go to the bathroom and run it under the hand dryer you can melt it really easily and then it's even smoother

you're speaking like a man of experience there Ben as they might have done it before I've certainly never done such a thing in my life are you sure? No okay I have I did it

I did that not as an adult although I would if I could get away with it I definitely would but I'm a bit more socially conscious now than I was when I was 10 Listen, if you've got the ice cream factory available to you, right?

And you've had enough ice cream. Everyone knows that milkshake and ice cream are different things. When it's harder, it's ice cream. When it's soft and drinkable, if you want to get your money's worth, you load that bad boy up, you take that right into the bathroom, and you melt that sucker under the hand dryer. As people come in and out and they see you doing it, and you think nothing of it because this is normal.

To drink. behavior. I would have as many pictures as I would want in the moment of sex on the beach. Oh. Yeah. Lovely. What would you have? I mean, my courses are not going to be, they're not going to make sense, as in I'm not building up in terms of, you know, size of offering.

I'm going to start, I'm going to go truly sentimental all the way through, I think. Yeah. So I'm going to start with pesto, pasta, and bacon, which is something that my dad used to make for us when he cooked tea. And that was really good. Love that. And then I think for the first main, what's the second course called? Or is the third course is dessert, isn't it?

Yeah. So main. For my main, I would have my grandma's shepherd's pie, which I've not had for a very long time. because it's delicious and no matter how many Shepherds Pies I've had since

or in all my life none have tasted as rich or as delicious as Grandma's Shepard's Pie that's the best one so I have some of that for my dessert back to Grandma

Apple Crumble You're gonna have Grandma for dessert Chocolate Grandma for dessert No, her apple crumble really good lovely stuff I think Americans

call it cobbler if that helps Oh is that what a cobblah is. I think. I might be wrong but I'm led to believe that it's for any Americans listening. Apple cobbler. Possibly. I don't fucking know.

Drink wise. I don't know. Probably want to get really drunk, but with that much food, I don't think alcohol is going to really make any kind of dent. So... I just make sure you drink a lot of it. Yeah. I could just

go for triple absolute vanilla vodka and Pepsi Max. what I'll go for. Oh, that sounds bloody lovely. That sounds like a Newcastle night out drink. It's also a Newcastle night in drink or any other occasion you

could possibly think of. It's great. There we are. Those are our options. None of us went for the Butterfield Diet Plan, unfortunately, but maybe next time. And finally, bit of a thinker. This question comes from Meg Haynes 24. You find out a comet

will destroy Earth tomorrow. I should say also someone else asked what would you do on your final day on earth what are you doing with your last day on earth oh god you have 24 hours

to do literally other things remember that the roads are going to be completely useless probably yeah everyone's last day there is a meteor it's not just your last day

this is what you do in between bouts of fighting off hordes of people or scrambling for survival at this point. Oh, that's a good one. Definitely have to, you know, fit in some time for sexy times, I think.

Absolutely. You know, maybe towards the end of the day. Maybe as the meteor... This is the moment really... You're going to keep the mood sustained there? That sounds. Oh, here it comes. It's getting hotter. Well, if they had like a timer on the news,

because, you know, scientists are very clever at this point. They would probably know the moment at which we're going to die. And all I would need to do is start one and a half minutes before that, and then I would die at climax. Would you attempt to seek shelter, or would you just embrace the abyss? Well, if it's a meteor that's going to destroy Earth. Oh, yeah, as in like take it apart, yeah. True.

Just go out to the nearest forest and have a wander for a couple of hours. Look at some mushrooms on the floor and some beels. And then, yeah, just wait for it to come. That's all he can do. I would probably, if assuming all phone lines are working and internet is working, I would reach out to family and friends. And I'd talk to all of them first and get that sort of out of the way.

And then my partner's parents don't live too. far from here. So if we could make it to there, then that would probably be a good idea, and then just like all get shit-faced. And just try and enjoy yourself as much as possible all the way up until it. Cook everything in the freezer and just have like a big party surrounded by as many people that you could, you know, feasibly get to who matter to you. That would probably be it. If the roads were somewhat passable, then I think I would do the same because my family's only about two hours south so i think we probably all head down there get together and yeah eat and drink and be as merry as possible even if the roads are fucked

you know you'd still you'd still probably i don't think it's like a zombie apocalypse like everyone's abandoning their car kind of thing i think it would just be you'd move really slowly yeah that'll be it's yeah just that's that's the hang out like you know that's avoiding the worst hang over your life and I think that'd be quite a cranny moment of like I feel messy as hell I ain't gonna feel a thing tomorrow damn it I'm full of sausage rolls and absolute vanilla vodka yeah what Shrek three meal oh yes yeah good oh I don't want vegan food as I die there is a member of my family who when they were I think maybe six they had to do a thing at school which was they were they were asked what would what three things would you take from your

house if you had to like leave in a hurry i mean i think they'd done some sort of history maybe they'd like read about the exodus and the bible or something like that and then it was like you know they were linking it to what they were learning about what would you take with you if you had to leave right now and he put um my like my teddy um my uh my nintendo d s and my shrek two dvd Priorities are correct. Yeah, Shrek 2 on DVD. Excellent. Well, there we are.

That is, those are all the questions. Well, they aren't all the questions, but those are some of the questions that were submitted. Thank you, everyone who submitted questions on our Instagram at Vidyat's dot official. We're on TikTok as well with that handle. And we post all sorts of stuff there, including things like that. So make sure that you go and follow us there and keep an eye up, potentially. for more requests for future things. It's become a bit of a staple now on Instagram for the day of

or just before a new episode goes live. A cryptic teaser for one of our things is posted and you all have to vote in a poll as to whose you think it is. You did manage to get Peter's right last week. You did not manage to get mine right the week before. You thought Mikey brought the poo museum along, which is understandable. Yeah, fair. So there we are.

And thus concludes all of the things. from this week. Thank you, everybody who submitted things and thank you you guys for your things as well. Thank you for yours. You're very welcome. Mikey, I believe there's some kind of shop. Yo, darn Tootin, if you head over to vidyatsofficial.com and click on that lovely enticing little shop button, you will be greeted with a veritable bounty of clothing goods and other. We got, we got t-shirts, we got mugs, we got hudies, we got sticker, we got primbly, some. other stuff on there as well. Go check it out.

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Peter, what came out on Vidiots six years ago this week? I'll tell you. Skyrim Zoo, Chapter 3, Funeral for a Friend. memory cards for March the 19th trolling each other in playlinks frantics. Polly, it's episode two doing a dama post some tat number five,

Billy Ray Dolrus, Skyrim Zoo Chapter 4, horsing around worst games ever, London racer classic, memory cards for March the 26th and five irrefutable ways microtransactions will get your parents back together. Post some tat number six,

what have you done? I can't tell from the thumbnail what they had done. You have to watch it. Wallace and Grommett's Impossible Train game for piece of cake. And I think, yes, today at time of release, Prove It, The Sims Part 1 as well was released. Fantastic. Mikey, where are you on the internet?

At Paraboy on Twitter and Instagram. That is the best place to keep up with what I'm up to these days. And if you're feeling generous and want to support a charitable... A carotable chores. Ooh, no, sadly no carrots involved. A charitable cause, you can head to bit.ly forward slash Mikey bikey to donate

to St Peter's Hospice in aid of a 65K bike ride I'm doing in under a month's time for charity. How exciting. Finally, oh no, Peter, sorry, where are we on the internet? We are at That Peter Austin and at Confused underscore Dude and together we're at Tee. triple jump on Twitter, but also on YouTube and Twitch, where we are playing video games and

talking about video games and hanging out with Rules Boss on Patreon. Yes, we are. And finally, why not leave us a five-star review on your platform of choice? It helps something to do with Al Gore's rhythms, and we'd really appreciate it. Not everyone's in a position to give money, and that's totally understandable. We appreciate your support by virtue of just listening, but if you could go and leave us a review as well, that would help loads. I think. Al Gore's rhythms.

You know how it is, something like that. Yeah. Do we have a final question before we disappear for a fortnight? Um, what would you do on your last day on Earth? What would you eat and what would you do? Yes. Great question.

Lovely. Thank you so much for listening slash watching everybody. We'll see you very soon. Goodbye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. ...toe... ...andahs...

...andahs... ...andah...