Podiots - Podiots: Episode 157 – The Queen's Panties

Episode Date: March 29, 2025

Mikey is breaking and entering, Ben gets us demonetised, and Peter is toxic. NEW MERCH: https://vidiotsofficial.com/shop Follow us on Bluesky: @vidiotsofficial.bsky.social— Bluesky Join next episode's Pod Squad: http://podiots.com And check our website and store: http://vidiotsofficial.com ------------------- Subscribe for more and TELL YOUR FRIENDS! YouTube: https://youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Podiots: https://vidiotsofficial.com Pod Squad: https://podiots.com Shop: https://vidiotsofficial.com/shop Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vidiots.official TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@vidiots.official Twitch: https://twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Bluesky: @vidiotsofficial.bsky.social — Bluesky Facebook: https://facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord: https://vidiotsofficial.com/discord/ Site: https://vidiotsofficial.com/ Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pickax. Maybe It's Mabelaine is such an iconic piece of music. Hit the track. Everyone in the studio that I worked on this jingle with all had childhood stories or memories around either watching these commercials on TV or sitting with our moms while they were doing their makeup and it became really personal for us.

Maybe it's Maple Lane Maybe it's Maple Lane Michael Johnson Hello Have you got fleas? I'm itching I can't stop there everywhere This boy got fleas

They're in eld him like that Not bullying him Stinky boy Stinky boy Flie boy I was like wee The cats that are stinky Not me

I'm actually in This is the spare room And just to my left Is four black bin bags filled with materials and cat bedding and stuff that needs to be washed on a very high temperature. Fills with fleas. Four bags of fleas. They're not even tied shut.

They're just sat next to me. So if I start itching profusely during the podcast, I've been invaded. Oh, no. How much, Mikey? How much? How much to put the bin bag on your head and just have a good old shake around? How much money? That's for free, Ben.

Free? Michael, you've spoken about. You need to raise your prices. I'm all dead now. They sprayed every bag with the harshest chemicals I could find, so they're still in there. They deserve to feast on me. Yeah, that was a fun.

A nice sunny weekend, spent on the house hoovering, moving everything outside and trying to... Cats, just these cats own the house. They scream whenever a door's closed. Even if they don't want to come in the room, they just don't like not having the option to go in the room. And so trying to keep them out of a room while they're spraying deadly chemicals around to get rid of the bloody pest they brought in.

That's brutal. But anyway, they're lovely. I love cats. I love cats. That's how cats do, man. That's what they'd be like. It's a great, man. Don't pay rent. Bring in fleas. Awful. How are you two doing? Hopefully less itchyy. Yeah, all right, thanks. Yeah. Not itchy at all, in fact. Maybe, no, me neither. Talk about all those itching talk. Maybe you will.

Oh, God, I'm starting itch now. I think that's just because the word itch is being phoned around. Yeah, that does happen. It's one of those things where you don't realize how nice it is to not be itchy until you're itching. You take it for granted, don't you? I'm scratching my face now a little bit just because you can not because you need to yeah that's right yeah

just enjoying it the luxury of optional scratching Peter have you got sketches yet what's going on on that from how do you've not got sketches my my feet are like completely better except for just like one particular tiny toe joint like all my arch is fine

when I like bend and put weight on the front of my like all my toes when I'm going upstairs fine but just when I wake up in the mornings my big toe is a bit like stiff feels like it needs it feels like it needs to crack but I can't crack it and then it just sort of wakes up and feels better

so I mean I probably should get it looked at probably should go to a podiatrist or a doctor and say why is that happening now but I haven't been doing because I'm because it's so much better than it was I just kind of feel like I'm fine even though I'm actually not because if I won't I'm kind of feeling like this three months ago. I'd have been like, what the hell have I done to my toe?

It really hurts. This is the dangerous situation where you're just going to accept a mild amount of pain for the rest of your life. That's what happens as you get older, yeah. Yeah, because, you know, compared to how it was, it's fine. Just start collecting these little ailments. Yeah. We'll see.

I do some big toe exercises, give me a good flex and you might be on the road to recovery. you've had an interesting side effect from your comfy shoes though haven't you at work yes i have so i now um wear the most sensible shoes i have which happen to be a pair of running shoes but they're very uh they have a lot of support naturally already and then they've also got some like insoles in them as well which uh you know they're sensible shoes but they they generate or i generate huge amounts of static electricity now like an unbelievable amount. I don't know how that works, whether it's because they have a thick soul, like the, I can't discharge, I'm not earthed, you know, I'm not earthed into the ground. I need a little

brown wire sticking out of me. But anything, it's almost pretty, it's like clockwork. When I come back from the lunch run, and I've walked around in my shoes for a bit, as I hang my coat up on the coat hook, I always get a shock. But we've also noticed that when shooting news videos and wearing a little task cam audio recorder connected to my lav mic that seems to be just turning off in my pocket and once turned off in my hand and we thought oh the recorder's just like on the on the blink you know just need to get a new one of those so i borrowed ashton's and when i use ashton's it turns off so i'm like when mr bean touches that um that that that that globe thing that makes your hair stick up and he goes all weird that's what i am

I'm a big fan of this superhero origin story. I know, he's turning into electro. It's amazing. He's got a poorly toe, and it gave him the power of electricity. I am electo. Hey. Oh, there it is. That's me.

So he breaks equipment, and every so often you just hear a snapping noise, and you go, oh, fucking hell. Oh, fuck. Yeah, it does happen a lot. It's because he's touched a door handle. I guess it's not like you torture other people in shock there. It's mostly yourself, it's getting shocked. Yeah, you and Ashton in the studio the other day, it was unbelievable.

Because we've long had issues in our triple jump studio where I would exclusively get the biggest, loudest static shocks from our PC. And we thought, that's not good. And then we made some changes to where it was. We bought like a rubber mat for it and things like that. And that sort of went away. And then last week, you two both got like four or five shocks each. In a few hours we were in there. And definitely...

Brilliant. I've now started like instinctively opening doors with my hand inside my sleeve, like when I touched metal door handles and stuff. And yesterday, as I left the room, it shocked me through the fabric of my jumper. It was enough volts or amps or whatever

to pass through an insulating material. So I'm definitely developing some kind of power. I think. He doesn't need to build you a little discharge rod in the office. You can touch before you enter. Just a pot of dirt for him. That would be good. You remember the little car that we hit Peter with that time?

Yes. Wait, you mean your car, Ben, or the little toy car? It's gone now. It's not my car anymore, sadly. Rest in peace. It's hitting other Peters in different parts of the country. But when I used to drive that to the real job that I had when I worked for the NHS, I used to have to wear normal, like professional people clothes, like smart trousers and then a shirt.

And for whatever reason, the material that the sharp trousers were made out of, and in hindsight, this is actually really dangerous because this seemingly would exclusively happen at petrol stations. Right, okay, yeah, source of ignition. I would then get out the car, put my hand on the door to push the door closed behind me. nine times out of ten I'd get a static shot and that built up a sort of response in me to the extent that I still do this now when I get out of cars

I before closing door I'll give it just like a brief wrap with my knuckles yeah just with my knuckles on the back of my hand because it's far less painful than on your fingertips if you get static shock that way I still do that now and I still do it in our downstairs studio as well when I go to leave it

I'll do a little knock on the door handle. And if it's safe, then I'll grab it with my hand. Knock, knock, hello, any electricity in here? Brilliant. It's good, isn't it? It's good to live in fear from being shocked by something. Really scary. Speaking of things that are not up to code electronically, has anyone seen Kevin?

Oh, that's a good question. It's been a month. And he's heard the news from social media. We didn't actually tell him. person, did we? No, no, that's right. The end of the year, so you might have it cross. Maybe if I touch something in the right way, he might sort of arrive in a great

thunderbolt or something. Maybe. Find something metal. Let's see, I'll touch the radiator. Here we go. Yeah. Oh. Hello everybody and welcome to Pottie. It's the official videos, the podcast.

It's a conversational podcast where we take some questions from you at home and obey the law of the three urs, where everybody brings a thing along to talk about. I'm Ben. I'm Peter. And I'm Michael. Hello, guys. Did Mikey say hello? I didn't hear him. I did say hello. It was lost in the other season. Hello, Mikey. I'm quite enjoying geriatric poddietz where we talk about all of our health amends for the first 10 minutes and maybe a free-weather-up date. I'll talk about my knees for a bit. I love to talk about my knees.

Oh, my knees are a good one. Sorry, Peter, you were going to say something. I was just going to say, this is actually, although it feels like, I mean, certainly for us as well because we record a little bit in advance, it feels like a long time since we broke the news.

That things are slightly changing around here. And now it would be a good time. time to say thank you to everyone who said lovely things in the wake of some not great news for those who aren't caught up on on Pollyett's episodes or social media announcements

the short thing is that we're carrying on to the end of the year with episodes going to have a great time we're going to have a great big blowout in sort of December and then we'll be drawing things to a close but more we don't love you anymore no we hate you

more info elsewhere far more context available in the previous episode. But yes, it's been lovely to see some very, very nice comments from people saying that they've had many good memories with Pollyets and that they're looking forward to making a few more

as the year draws to a close. Yeah, absolutely. It was lovely. It's horrible news. We understand that, but overwhelmingly, people were really positive. A couple of assholes. I don't know why you're listening. But, you know, like 99% of you

so lovely and so supportive and really understanding as well. That means the world because, you know, we have been doing this in our spare time for, what, six, seven years now. And it's obviously been a huge privilege. But it is difficult to fit around other things. And we do really appreciate not only your support, but your understanding as well.

There's only so many weird capiator articles. There's only so many times a bird can get stuck in a supermarket. Well, that's not true. know you about it. There's a lot of birds. There's a lot of shops. And we can tell you about it every week for the rest of our lives. We'd love to.

But I think we'd go insane. So thank you to everyone. I don't know if you've got something you want to say about it as well, Mikey. No, thank you everyone for being lovely. I mean, yeah, I think people have been through a lot with us, a lot of stops and starts and ups and downs. But this is the final stop, I guess, for this little chapter of our lives. But, yeah, we're still going to the end of the year.

And it's nice. Everyone hasn't immediately fucked off and gone, now I don't want to see you guys anymore go away I think everyone's keen to ride it out to the end we appreciate that

yeah not to not to retread old ground but I think we said it best when we said nothing at all like Ronald Keating I think we said we put it best

by saying that it can't go on forever we won't be doing this when we're 100 years old so it has to stop at some point between now and age 100 and as you said

at the time Mikey you know why not go out well we're still making good stuff rather than let it die a sort of sad, miserable turn off the life support kind of death so yeah

this is the best way to do it I think Don't cry because it's over cry because it happens That's the important thing to remember here So thank you everyone Yep still going to the end of the year And we've got a what's it called Reunion stream at the end of the year

as well that we're going to top it all off with So thank you Just thank you everyone Really appreciate it And we'd also like to extend some thanks to our wonderful pod squad this week. If you go to pottyets.com, donate three pounds or more. You get a shout-out at the beginning and the end of the next episode of Pottyets and you support what we do and it means the bloody world.

Thank you to everyone. Obviously, there is a threshold for messages to be read out, but a lot of people did include messages that were really nice as well. So thank you to all of you. Thank you. Mikey, would you like to kick us off, please. I would love to. We begin with Old Greg loves you boys, who was very generous.

and they say, Hi, boys, with the podcasts end looming on the horizon, I just wanted to say a huge thank you for all the wonderful years of content you've made. I'll be greatly sadden to see this podcast go, but I'll never forget all the bizarre and hilarious memories. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

We continue with Frogly. Take that elephant away, please. Caroline, I feel faint. Oh, no, no. Rain drop, joy. Donak 07, Stephen Skodes, Bartek in Valley of Slurponder, Slurponder, known for its almonds and Pekan, Bartek loves Slurponder, Blartek loves Slurpondi's nuts. There we go, got that.

Oh, there it is. That's what it was building too. Very good. A triple whammy. Thank you. We've also got Lord Brotovic, but kind of sad. Thank you very much. Thumbs up Fwed Weber

Skecher I barely know her Jewel's face Nuzzle me Nads for Easter I told my friends Thank you for telling your friends Thank you Mr Macca

Kermit the Pog Extra 40 weeks worth of poddiots And Caroline Where is the hard drive Finally we have the very generous Orange Cassidy Who said hey boys devastated to hear the pod

is ending but I understand. Just wanted to say thanks for all the entertainment vidiates slash podiots has brought me over the years and can't wait to see what the rest of the year brings heart. Thank you, Orange Cashidy very much for your support. The Far Wall is also a donator. Mikey and Ashton podcast flees. Do you do that, Mikey? Yeah, I'm Ashton. Let's go. Hey, I can see that working. That's a golden combination. 90 minutes of screaming. Thank you also to Stinged on Bum. deliver punts

um not ready for you to go just yet eating a meal a succulent cyber fart oh no the cyber fart fresh nip is manic and finally prince beefcakes thank you everyone so much for your support this episode uh pottyts dot com

three pounds or more to get a shout out at the beginning and the end of the next episode of pottyards thank you so much be immortalized forever and ever and ever or as long as our episodes are hosted we should say that we have spoken with Pickax and Yog's cast

and they very graciously they're going to keep us on the network basically so the episodes aren't just going to suddenly disappear you'll be able to listen to us for as long as you like but obviously it's probably best that if you do want to do big re-listens from time to time maybe download them so you've got them safe

but we're not going anywhere on the Pickax Network you'll still be able to access us so thank you. Thank you very much, pickaxe for that and all of their support as well. Yeah, yeah, thank you. What a hall of names. We had a great, great selection there. I'm spoiled for choice.

I think I quite liked. I'm just trying to find it. I think it might have been one that Peter read. It was Nuzzle Minads for Easter. Yeah, that's a good one. I was taken by surprise with Skecher, I barely know her. I think that's funny. I thought I was going to say

I'm nozzled me nads for Easter I think it just rolls off the tongue nozzle me nads I also like the the triple jump crossover with deliver punts because wasn't that oh yes the deliver punts was a deliverant

Kingdom come deliverance pants thing it was a weird you have to go listen to triple jump podcast for that one I'm afraid yeah from a little while ago yeah I forgot what that was until until I read it and I was like oh yeah I think I wrote that bollocks at some point

That sounds about right. Yes, thank you so much, Pod Squad. Peter, you are question man today. I am. Yes. Can I ask Ben Potter to give us his user slash listener is the correct word, submitted thing? I absolutely can. Now, the boys are both aware of this.

This is a slightly different listener submitted thing. But we've had to have. a proposition through that we're going to discuss and then maybe also see what the audience thinks as well. But I'm going to read an email. I haven't, I'm going to be honest, I've not cut it down. So I might just skip through bits of it. But we received a very interesting email from Louis J. Weber, who is a religious pod squad supporter. So thank you very much, Louis for all your support. Yes. And presumably Freddie Weber as well, the Webbers. Thank you, the Webbers. Yeah, I'm not sure what the arrangement is, whether they're both paying or separate or, I don't know what it is, but they're both loyal fans.

Yes, they absolutely are. So, it begins as follows. Firstly, I apologise in advance for reaching out to you unexpectedly. I probably didn't need to read this bit because he sent it directly to my email. As a long-time member of the Vidyat's fan base, I know I'm not alone in expressing my sadness at the news that Poditz will be winding down at the end of the year. As somebody who has had the podcast on repeat for the last several years, the nonsense and conversations, between the three of you has become the soundtrack to my housework, sleepless nights, and more. I've listened to each episode more than I can count,

and even my partner knows some vidiates law and deep cuts purely through overhearing the same episodes via me over the years. However, as you said, we shouldn't cry because it's over, we should cry because it happened. So what I bring to you is this, a proposal. I want to get slash will be getting a vidyots slash poddiots tattoo. Wow. But here's the request. I want the three of you to decide what it is. Now, please don't worry about the fact that this is a big commitment or something that's on my body forever as I already have plenty of tattoos. And with idiots and potty, it's being such an important part of my life for the last seven or so years,

I've already made my mind up that come December, I will be getting a tattoo in honour of you and the boys. In terms of the request, I'd ask that you and the boys have a think about how you want the channel and podcast to be remembered. and perhaps some of your personal highlights. As the piece will be maybe the size of a palm, realistic portraits of the three of you isn't going to work. Other than that, go wild. Whatever you guys can imagine, we'll get it done. The podcast artwork of the three of you?

A rules boss hat? A Jeff? A pair of shreddies and an onion all together with a yellow background? Or maybe just tell your friends, V-O-Eats. There's no wrong answer. There's no idea too silly. And if this is something you want to present slash discuss with the boys on the podcast, you're more than welcome to it continues thank you very much louis i did go back and forth with him

and confirmed that he was okay with me reading that email and that he was absolutely sure that this is something he wants to maim his his beautiful body with well if he's up for it if you remember back in the actual vidiates year 2018 we had i think two people two different people got Vidyits related tattoos. I definitely remember there being a rules boss hat. The other one may have also been a rules boss hat or it may have been something else, but there's been for sure at least one Vidyat's tattoo out there. It's a rules boss hat and I think there was another as well. So you're joining a prestigious group here. Yeah. And I believe it was Steph, the very talented tattoo artist who did my half sleeve was a Vidyat's viewer slash Podiat's listener at the

and was the one who designed that sort of, what's it called, flash sheet of tattoo designs, which is what someone ended up getting. That's right. Which is a bit taboo in the tattoo world to just take someone else's design and go somewhere else. But I think it's, you know, we're honoured. We're honoured to be represented in the way. So, what do you boys think? Mikey, I'd like to know what you think of this.

Oh, man. There's so, like, I don't know. Like, do you go silly? Do you go, like, in your face? or do you go a really subtle way, even, you know, looking at it, you wouldn't really guess it's a idiot's thing. Like, I, I, I'm, because I've, I've debated this as well in the past. I got a few ideas.

I think, like, a little meat face might be quite fun. Yeah, that was my first thought. Like, a little meat face. What is that? Is that a mole? Whatever the tattoo ends being, I would like it to end up being a tramp stamp. Um, if we, a meat face tramp stamp.

Oh, God. Like a little rest-and-piece memory cards. No, we can't put, can't put it on their body forever. God forbid that Louis is in some kind of, his demise is untimely and horrific. And the only thing he can be identified by. They find his torso. Is his meat-faced tramps in a river?

No head. But there is a distinctive tattoo. We're going to putting out an appeal. Does anyone know what this is? Does anyone know what this is? But they don't even call it a tattoo. It's a distinctive birth mark because why would anyone get this voluntarily on their body?

I mean, there was mention of it being palm-sized. Why not get a tattoo on each palm, which I suspect would be really painful? On one hand, you could have meat face and on the other you could have a potato smiley. Just two smiley faces. Oh, that'd be good. I'd like that.

Yeah, I like that. I do like face food. are quite a fond one, get a menagerie of like meat, meat, meat, meat slices. Feldhoey's ham. I believe Louie is the listener who went to the Feldhoey's factory. Oh, right. Okay. I think, maybe there's something like, it doesn't, it could be video's related,

but it could be related to something else. And, you know, if you get a brand or something tattooed on you, that might give you free food for life. So, Feld uses a shout, a snappy tomato pizza. Oh, my God, snappy. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. What if we got, in comic sands, it's just, it's a lot of words,

but it's, I got caught trying to break into the Feld Hoyer's meat facery, and they branded me with this tattoo. Ask me anything. Oh, God. I mean, tell your friends is, that's lovely. Yeah. That's nice. I think we've all entertained the idea.

I mean, we entertained the idea at the end of 2018 about getting some kind of Vidyat's tattoo together. Yeah, we did actually, yeah. If it's ever going to happen, it would probably be the conclusion of Podiots at some point. maybe but that's a conversation for another time yeah what if we get him to do i think it'd be quite funny if he gets a tattoo that's the the vidiots logo and then underneath it is um like it looks like a screenshot from youtube like of the subscribe account but it's like a million subs oh yeah so it's like congratulations vidyots on one million subs or even just one thousand or one one more sub

than we had at the end of 2018. I think it might be nice much in the same way that we used to get special cakes

made for each other he could get a tattoo of a photocopy of someone's phone with a photo of small monkey John Deer on it

slightly off centre low resolution awkwardly cropped and the tattoo artists will say, is this right? Are you sure this is right? Yes, that's correct. Thank you for my cake. Any other bright ideas? Because I think we've thrown a few out there into the universe and maybe once we've concluded this conversation, we just leave it and people can tweet us, people can do pod squads and we can see what the audience feels. Yeah. I mean,

I do like, I must admit, when you forwarded that email to us and I was reading it, it before I even got to the bit where he suggested the same thing. I did think that maybe it might be a fun thing to have sort of a little trio of symbols that kind of represents our regular poddiet's contributions. So maybe an onion slash not the onion logo, maybe a some kind of Wikipedia, whether it's a specific one like Jeff the Mungoose or kind of a broken Wikipedia logo or something. and then, you know, a Mikey farting pants or something. Or one of his weird characters from history that he's brought along.

Or a tournament, you know, whatever your favorite tournament winner is. It could be an onion in a pair of pants with the Wikipedia logo as a head. Yeah, sounds great. Yeah. I'll keep this in the back of my mind. I want to... I don't know. Do we have a deadline for this? Is it going to be a slow rolling thought process over the year?

He says end of the year. Okay. I did tell him we might discuss it on the podcast and it might take a couple of episodes to go back and forth about what we ultimately decide. So I think we've got time. Okay. And hey, if anyone else wants to get on the trend, you know,

maybe you could all, maybe Podiat's across the globe could all get a matching tattoo or whatever you choose for your own Podiat's dedication. needless to say there is not actually any pressure to go and brand yourself with ink in memory of polyets but you know

you might want to maybe the alternative is that we just make him get Dave Benson Phillips' face tattooed on his body forever I find that really funny on a tattoo I've got his address

do you want his address he will be forever not left out of it he will always be on your body yeah yeah bet his I bet Louise's girlfriend would love that.

Yeah. You could get a full body tattoo from head to toe of a Smarties meltdown exosuit. Then whenever you get hit by anything, you can just say, oh no, my exosuit's been hit. Perfect. That's it.

So let us know, I suppose, what you think of our ideas. And we'll circle back to it next month. And maybe make a decision, maybe do another round of consultation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See what the audience suggestions are. Yeah, sounds good.

And that is my listener submitted thing. Oh, exciting. That's not your listener. Well, I mean, it was submitted by a listener, but that was your, was that not your real thing? No, that was my listener submitted. Oh, I see. I have a regular thing.

I understand. So it is listener submitted, right? It is. Technically, yes. Yeah, you're right. So, but now it is time for Mikey to do his own thing. This episode is brought to you by Mewmue Mew. Introducing Mutein, the new feminine fragrance by the iconic fashion house.

Mutein captures the youthful, unconventional essence of the Mewewew girl, brought to life by a gourmand, intimate and enveloping scent of wild strawberry and brown sugar accords. Mutine is not a statement, but a knowing glance, a sweet rebellion, lighthearted and late. based with wit, a gesture made for oneself, discover the new fragrance, mutine, now available in Canada. Hello. I'm revisiting an old theme from, maybe not that long ago, maybe in the last year, but you remember I told a story about a guy who kept breaking into Buckingham Palace?

Yes, yes. Well, I found another oddity from history, old history, who also had an affinity. for breaking into the Queen's house. But this time, it's a small boy rather than an adult. Ooh. And it's quite a, yeah, an interesting story. Turns out they did things a little bit differently back then. And also people invading homes were also weirder.

I don't know. Yeah, it's just, yeah. So that's the whole thing. Just picture a small boy doing all this. It makes it very, very weird. And then also what they do to them at the end. Anyway, enough vague spoilers. It's fine.

It's fine. I think of all the things that could have happened to me. The end, Mikey. Tell us now. Tell us the ending first. He got blasted off to Mars. Ah, I fucking knew it. Yeah, moon boy.

This is the story. Moon boy, you get blessed off of you going in the palace again. If you love Elon Musk so much, why don't you just go and live there? Well, this is the tale of Edward Jones. better known as the boy Jones. The boy Jones. The tabloids needed a name for him. Why we call them the boy?

So he became infamous for repeatedly sneaking into Buckingham Palace between 1838 and 1841. In his first break-in, at the tender age of 12, it was accomplished by squeezing through a hole near the principal entrance while disguised as a chimney sweep. I don't know if he's necessarily disguised as a chimney sweep But I think that's just how children looked back then, right? Yeah, they were all chimney sweeps, weren't they?

Yeah. That's what the jobs do kids have, eh? But however, his adventure into the palace was cut short When a porter spotted him, leading to a chase that ended with his arrest. And when the police searched him, they discovered an assortment of stolen goods, naughty. Oh.

But most notably was a pair of Queen Victoria's underwear, which just down his trousers. Did he use those to slingshot himself to Mark? Wah! Yeah, going into the palace, stealing something, pretty balsy, stealing a pair of underpants from the queen. Holy moly, you could have stolen anything and probably has been rich for the rest of your life. Actually, you know, I guess Queen panties maybe could fetch a pretty penny. Please don't call him queen panties. Don't do that.

He definitely would have... He could have got rich off that for sure. Yeah. I guess maybe you wouldn't because he got caught. But yeah. Anyway, that was his first attempt. So going straight for the pants. What next?

What next? Oh wait, no, before his next incursion, he went to trial where Jones was defended by a lawyer who treated this whole affair as a joke. And the jury agreed. acquitting him on the grounds that he is just an overly curious boy rather than a hardened criminal. Given this leniency, Jones took it as an open invitation to return back to the palace, of course. I'm just so curious about pants.

I would like more of those. I would really give me, they took my last pair of queen pants, got to get a new one. God. So yeah, he was, you know, caught, reprimanded, mostly just laughed at. I'm going to like, are you just a kid to stop me? messing about and go on continue your life and after that two years later in 1840 he scaled the palace wall just days after queen Victoria gave birth to her first child oh yes get away this time he roamed the halls undetected hiding behind pillars and furniture whenever anyone approached he went full metal gear solid on it holy god um he reportedly spent an entire day in the palace

I think this is the best thing he stole In that time, he was helping himself to soup Oh no, not soup Royal soup In addition to this He also spent time lounging on the throne Fair enough, I think I'd do that as well God, you absolutely would

If you had access to it Big sit on the throne in my queen panties And Oh no, Michael Sorry I'll stop saying it Don't be Do it And he even heard

the newborn princess cry an experience he described with the affectionate term squalling I don't think I heard the baby squallent no he's not New York he's not at New York

He's a well-traveled boy He crossed the Atlantic just to get into the Queen's knicker draw Yeah So he had a full day roaming around Us eating soup sitting on chairs When Jones was finally caught

the authorities were baffled by how easily he had slipped in and out of the palace. Some people were convinced he had supernatural sneaking abilities. Oh, sneaking powers. While others suspected he was just exceptionally lucky. Either way, his antics embarrassed the palace security so badly that the Queen's household launched a full investigation. How did this boy get in here? Where's all the soup? Someone's taking all our soup

Oh god Jones meanwhile was charged with intent to commit a felony although his only crime seemed to be an insatiable curiosity and a love for free royal catering And so he served this time

Didn't laugh him out of court They made him do hard time Three months in a correctional facility After which Jones was released Under the condition That he behaved himself Now we're letting you out be Everyone do that when he leave prison.

They should make him sign a thing, says, I will, I promise to behave. Can we bring that in, please? Sign the letter. It says, I'm not going to be a naughty boy. Thank you. But of course, he did not behave himself. Just two weeks later, after being released, he disappeared completely out of everyone's sight, and surprise was found once again inside Buckingham Palace.

by now. So at this point, like, the palace is on high alert, yet he's still getting in. They put on extra guards, making sure that is inevitable capture was inevitable. But yeah, so I guess he was in there for a little bit, was caught. And when questioned, he casually admitted that he had entered the same way as before. Wow. So he just squeezed through. That's great.

Also, I love that he's going back to the same place every time. he genuinely is curious about the palace. Like, he's not like, oh, then on the third occasion, he was called breaking into the British Museum or whatever. Like, no, no, I go back for a third time to the palace. They do good suit. Yeah, great. And it's free.

Did you know that? Just leave it lying around. And yes, he said he could enter again whenever he's so pleased, which feels a little bit threatening. Don't stand court, mate. I'm sorry, I won't do it again. But this time he was caught mid-snack, enjoying stolen, cold meat and potatoes in the royal larder.

Brilliant. So this point, I think, very justifiably so caused a nationwide security panic. People fayed for the Queen's safety, although she herself was reportedly unbothered by the whole thing. Her Majesty's main concern was likely why her underwear kept going missing. Authorities, however, were desperate to put an end to his palace hopping ways. Jones's own father, exhausted by his son's antics, claimed he was not of sound mind. Oh.

That boy ain't right. Keeps coming on my panties. In the end, the government took drastic action. Jones was sentenced to another three months in a correctional facility. But the kick area here is, after he served his time, he was, and this is in quotes, encouraged to join the Navy. Oh. That will fix him.

Yeah, get him out of England on the seas. Can't break into the palace from there, can you? So, yeah, he went and he was forcibly made to join the Navy. And despite being stationed at sea, Jones was still known as Boy Jones and was rumoured to have attempted another escape this time from the Naval Service. Just can't keep the boy pinned down. But even in exile, he couldn't shake his reputation. Newspapers followed his every move with exactly.

graduated reports about him trying to sneak back into England. Meanwhile, Queen Victoria, probably hoping to never hear his name again, strengthened palace security, including additional centuries and better locks. Eventually, he faded into relative obscurity, becoming an alcoholic and later a town crier in Perth, Australia. Oh, hey, hey, he got, yeah, he got exiled to the faraway land where all the other naughty men went in those times, which is, who. Yeah, I thought that's what you're going to say.

Before he said, encouraged to join the Navy, I thought you were going to say, he had to serve three months in prison and was then just criminally transported, as they used to call it. You are sentenced to transportation. He's just,

we're going to take you somewhere, and that's it, bye. Yeah. That's all you need to know. So, yeah, I think maybe he did have a few months to see when they docked in Australia, just like, get off lad, and then quickly sped away

before he could realize what was going on. But yeah, in his later years, his knack for dramatic exits remained. He died on Boxing Day in 1893 after drunkenly falling off a bridge and landing on his head. Ooh, ow, mate. His grave remained unmarked until 2005

when a plaque was finally placed in his honour. Though incorrectly stated, he had broken into Windsor Castle instead of Buckingham Palace. Come on right. Oh, he didn't even get honoured properly. The plaque is wrong. Oh, no.

The tale of the boy, Jones, remains one of the strangest and most amusing chapters in royal history, his bizarre obsession with Buckingham Palace, his repeated ability to outward security, and his uncanny knack for getting caught in embarrassing situations like getting caught eating potato and soup. Oh, embarrassing. Make him one of history's most ridiculous criminals.

Only one thing is certain. The Queen's staff never looked at an uninvited chimney sweep the same way again. We didn't invite this chimney sweep, this suttie lad on our doorstep. Why is he holding that sail? That sail from a boat. I never, yeah, I never actually, yeah, I'm saying Queen's Panties.

I'm not really thinking about the Queen. I'm saying the Queen's Panties again. Queen's Panties. Stop it. Stop it. Peter, whatever you do, don't call this episode the Queen's Panties. Oh, can I not? You mustn't.

There's no way. We'd never recover. I definitely will not do that. I didn't do it. He used them, do you think he used them as an escape, form of an escape? He jumped off the third floor, yeah. The Royal Blooms, yeah. Do you think when the Queen got them back, they had all, they had soot all over them.

Oh, absolutely. I think they were full of soup. It had potatoes in them. Oh, God. A soup he draws. Is that him? An artist's rendition of the boy Jones. He does look like a wrong.

Look at him. Cheeky chappy. He's so innocent He wouldn't steal the Queen's pants I don't believe it This is blasphemy Is that the pants Draped over the sofa in the background

Oh my god it is There are big pants Holy shit Yeah Weird There's a lot of weird art of him online I guess my favourite one I'm just gonna

This is a screenshot From like a little Documentary someone made about him But it's the most disgusting It's like a A composite made of images I guess what they look The boy looked like

But he just looks messed up man He's got a strong monobrow and a fat nose. He's a lopsided fellow, isn't he? Yeah. I don't think that's actually what he looked like. I think that's, yeah, I hope not, because that is maybe a little bit scary to find in your palace. Yeah, with your underwear in his hand.

That would be a bit creepy. No, thank you. Well, that was a great story, Mikey. I don't know where you find all these people. Strange character. Weird hours of history. There you go. Wonderful.

Well, it's now my turn. and I'm going to do my listener submitted thing. I've got to make sure we do the right one here because my thing that I brought along independently was also submitted by a listener who I have noted down. So, no, I've got the right one here. This is, we're sent to us by Kaplunk Chick on Blue Sky.

It's a BBC news article. Disturbing 19th century German toys sell for 100... Maybe I shouldn't... I should have made you guess. It's too late now. Is it 100 million? It's £192,000 pounds. Bloody hell.

And wait till you see them. More than 400 German toys dating from the 19th century have sold at auction for almost £200,000. Yes. The collection of toys made out of wood, papier-machet or composition in the Sonnenberg and Erzgebirger regions of Germany went on sale at auction with special auction services in Newbury, Berkshire. The horde of quirky toys previously belonged to David Finn from Nottinghamshire who spent decades amassing the collection. He died in 2023, aged 81. The auctionist toy expert Daniel Agnew said, described them as a little disturbing

and said they were considered too controversial nowadays. Oh, God. What could they possibly be? Well, I'll continue reading the article for now. and maybe in the picture and picture on the video version of this podcast there's a very tame one at the top of the article which is just a woman with a sheep but the rest of them are weird

and I'll send you that one now so you've got something to look at this is the first one it's not too disturbing oh okay it's a bit weird but you know it's fine that branch looks like it moves I'm a bit alarmed by that

yeah well I'll tell you about that that is a mechanical shepherdess the oldest toy dating back to the 1830s. So I imagine you wind up the little handle on the front and it does something. I think it does move. So the collection sold for a hammer price of 192,000 pounds, including Baez's premium. A Sonnenberg, Papier, Machet, and Wood Hand-Cranked mechanical toy of a Shepardess was one of the oldest and highest-valued lots. And Mr. Agnew said it dates back to about the 1830s and it's such an extraordinary, an extraordinary survival. It made one of the highest individual sale.

at, what do you think? Have a guess. What did that go for? Remember there were two, was it 200 toys? 400 toys. 400 toys. Jesus Christ.

400 toys making up 200,000 pounds. And this was the highest? Yeah. I'm going to say five grand. I drop seven grand on that. Oh, well done. The pair of you. It was six and a half thousand pounds.

Hey. One of Daniel Agnew's favorites was a squeaking pig and here it is it's pretty this is a bit creepy looking no

no the tongue is not good why is it doing that with its tongue he said one of his favour was a squeaking pig when you squeeze his bellows he squeaks

makes a piggy noise and his tongue sticks out and his ears pop up which be piggy ornaments Mr Agnew or I don't know if I'm saying that right explained that in the 19th century toys were very much

a rich person's object He said although we call them toys They weren't all necessarily for children I think they were often adult novelties The sort of thing you might have in your drawing room They represent a soldier Sorry he just invite people around for dinner It's like yeah

I'm looking at a new little squeam Have you seen my squeaky pig Give it a squeak Go on They represent soldiers Characters, animals Social history, grotesque things Everything that's often lost in history now

Mr Agnew said the collection reflects social history and evolving attitudes. That's immediately after the quote where he says social history. So thanks BBC News for that. He added that the objects were considered highly amusing in the 19th century, but would not be considered acceptable today. Here's one that is, it's not unacceptable in a controversial sort of racist way, but it is a woman spanking a child.

A bit of corporal punishment there. Boy Jones. A couple of banishment. Wow. Yeah, it could be Boy Jones, yeah. And then the article just ends. So there's one more picture of a sort of a collection of them. And again, nothing too sort of disturbing or worrying here.

So I have to imagine that amongst the 200, sorry, 400 toys, there were probably all sorts of horrendous racial stereotypes. And, you know, one of like a man punching his wife or something. which have not featured on the BBC write-up of this story but the squeaky pig is pretty creepy and there is one that is the headline image and this I think is why partly it was submitted to poddiots can you explain for those just listening in audio form

what we're looking at We're looking at the first historically documented example of the 50P game. We are. We are. Amazing. It's a kind of a Ebenezer Scrooge-looking man with like a sleeping cap on, bent down. It looks like a door wedge, actually, looking at the base of it. He's got his trousers round his below his butt cheeks and inserted between his bottom is a gold coin,

which I don't know if I'm not sure if that's part of the toy or if that can be inserted if that's like a real coin That's where the fun comes from Bring your own coin It comes with a coin that you can put in And take out as many times as you want Try it with a 50p Try it with a shilling

Whatever you like I do kind of want that How is that not the one that's sold for the most Fuck the tree I want the bum one I pay big money for the bum one So there we go That is a surprise

surprisingly poddietz-related, weird news story that's happened this week. Amazing. So thanks for sending that in. That was great. Thank you. So now, Ben, it's your turn, and it's time for your actual thing. Okay, flights on air Canada. Oh, wow. Mayorka, that's new.

Oh, nice. But Vienna is a classic Mozart, palaces and schnitzel. Now you're cooking. If you're hungry, deli brings the heat. Heat. Cartagena's got some. and the sea to cool off. So does Martinique.

And that French cuisine? Book it. Yes, chef. Wait, what about Lyon? Choose from our world of destinations if you can. Air Canada. Nice travels. Yes.

So, first, I need to know which of you... You know what, Michael Johnson. How do you feel about Ronald McDonald? A bit scary, but you know what? He makes good burgers, so he's all right. Okay, how do you feel about Shrek? Yeah, yeah, very damn a Shrek. Okay, Peter, how do you feel about Shrek?

Yeah, I'm not as into Shrek as everyone else, but I'm happy with him. I'm glad he exists. Okay, and how do you feel about Ronald? A bit scary, yeah, a bit scary. But I'm fascinated by the law of the McUniverse. Okay, are you willing to confront your fear of Ronald today? Yeah, if Shrek's going to be there along the way in some form. Okay

Yeah Then congratulations You have both been cast in a play Oh Oh Michael Johnson You will be Performing the role of Shrek this evening

Okay fantastic And Peter Austin You will be performing The role of Ronald McDonald I'm loving it I regret to inform both of you That this is a Shrek X Ronald McDonald fanfic Oh gosh

Oh no By Sonic Wag And this is from what pad and I'm going to send you guys a link there are six parts to this we're not going to be hitting them all today we're not going to be hitting at least two

if you want to do a third one we can do the third one and then potentially we could return another time and do the other three I've only read the first three they're bad so please do try not to read ahead Okay.

Okay. Oh my God, the artwork. I mean, it's good artwork. What's what? What? What? What's wrong with it? Oh, it's so tender. Kind of Shrek and a clown love each other?

Come on. Yeah. I think it's okay. It's 225. Hashtag beautiful. Hashtag love. Okay. So this first chapter is called love at first bite.

And this fanfic has had 8.6,000 views. It's got 85 favorite. and 231 comments. Lots of people weighing in on Love at First Bite. Right. So here we go. Are you ready? Yeah. Yes. Got a full screen this bad boy so I can read it. It was a day where Shrek felt the need to come out of his beloved swamp and go somewhere for a tasty morsel.

He was debating whether to go to Wendy's or McDonald's. He let his heart decide, and he went to McDonald's. Shrek was thinking about how he left his swamp only to get a juicy burger, how he left donkey to drown in his dirty swamp waters. What? He thought past that, entering the food establishment, which emitted a yellow glow. Yeah, feel free to stop me at any point, by the way, because donkey's casually just being killed off there. Yeah.

I've already made the mistake of... I don't think you can bring much clarity to this, Ben, can you? No, no, you can't. We're all along for the ride. But it's going to get worse, because I have already made the mistake of reading the next sentence. And it's insane. Yes, it is. Ronald stood by the cashier counter, smoking his...

McSigarette. He stared at the ceiling, thinking about his past love. His ex-girlfriend, Wendy. He hated her, but still felt jealous that she left him for Burger King. Bustard. She's had to go to Burger King. Yes, he has a hot body, but what else? He has nothing but a plastered smile on his face.

Ronald knew B.K. was hiding something behind that. Ronald was distracted from his thoughts when a hot, green ogre burst through the door, mouth drooling, hungry for a moist burger. And what if, Ronald thought he could be hungry for love? Ronald's McSigarette dropped out of his mouth in surprise. He stepped on it, though he did want to burn down the McDonald's he was trapped in. Okay.

The ogre went to the cashier desk Ronald was nearby and ordered at the sacred cashier. It says scared. I ordered at the scared cashier Sorry not sacred It's a sacred cashier I have to do that I just realise I have to do I have to do the voice

You can do whatever voice you want Mikey I'll have two number nines A number nine large A number six with extra dip A number seven Two number 45s You can't really go pirate Ockai

One with cheese and a large soda It is a bit You just said Ockai with The Bristolian Act. I don't know what's going. It's three in one. It's a bargain in the century. It's a bit SpongeBob C-Captain, isn't it?

Yeah. And a large soda. The ogre told the cashier, and then in brackets, which, by the way, his name was Dave. Hey. Ronald stared at the ogre, adoring his soft green colour, his dot, dot, dot, dot, ears, and his wonderful nose. Trademarked ears.

Yes, trademarked. We can't show them. Ronald went up to the ogre and asked for his name. Shrek, he responded. Shrek, the ogre. Ronald already knew he was an ogre, but Shrek, what a beautiful name. Oh, I have a gourmet special in the play place, want to come? Ronald asked, Shrek nodded.

Ronald led Shrek into a red plastic tube, which smelled like socks. The smell of socks turned Shrek on almost immediately. Oh, God. Are you ready for my special lover boy? Ronald teased. Shrek smirk smirked with a casual DreamWork's face. Of course I am. Shrek started to rip Ronald's clothes off.

This is very well written so far. I'm enjoying this. In the red tube. What is a casual DreamWork's face? What if we ripped each other's clothes off in the red tube? The red tube that smells like socks. Yeah. Shrek was immediately turned on.

by the spell of sucks. I will say one thing about this fanfic. It's not as disgusting, because I feel like we hit a bit of a roadblock last time we did sexy fanfic and it kind of veered into the unpleasant. This doesn't really detail any of it, as is evidenced by the next sentence.

Right. After Shrek and Ronald's spicy romp, Ronald lit a mcigarette. It's over. It's done. That was it. He sat for a moment and inhaled the smoke. He flicked the McSigarette,

but Shrek and Ronald were still inside the tube. The plastic tube started to light on fire. So Shrek and Ronald escaped from the restaurant that was about to burn down. They stood outside watching the McDonald's burn to a crisp. Poor Dave the cashier. He was strapped to the cash register and couldn't escape his untimely face. Strapped to it? What?

Dave died that day. Ronald and Shrek started to make out with much passion, much love. They staggered into a bush and made out. for four more hours. That's a long time to make out. That's so long. And that's the end of part one. Yeah, good.

Yeah, as far as fanfic goes, it's good. It leaves it to the imagination, which is a good thing, I think. Sounds more like an ad for McSigarettes than anything else. I want a McSigarette now. Would you guys like part two? Yeah. Yeah, go on. Here we go.

This one's called Meeting the Parents. Oh. Oh. I really feel author Sonic Wags Payne here. We've got half the view count now for the second of the series. This is how it goes online. You put out the first episode, everyone's really keen, and then no one watches the second one.

It's tough. Meeting the parents. Shrek and Ronald have been dating for two months. They were sitting in Shrek's lounge, Ronald smoking his McSigarette, Shrek thinking about how he needs to fetch donkey's decaying body from the bottom of his swamp. What?

Yeah. We're still doing that. Then, Shrek thought about the fact that, dot, dot, dot, dot, Ronald needs to meet Shrek's parents. Shrek poked up and stared into Ronald's dreamy eyes. Ronald. Shrek whispered. I've been thinking. Ronald admired Shrek's features before speaking.

About what? Ronald replied. We've been dating. I can't do. I can't do Scottish. What is Scottish? That was pretty good. I think that was going somewhere.

I keep it sexy. It's not. Yeah. We've been dating for a while, and I feel that you need to meet my parents. Ronald was mortified. Parents. It gave him flashbacks to the fateful day that Ronald witnessed his parents both die from heart disease. At the same time. Wow. What are the chances?

Right before both of them died, his mother spoke to him who would like to... Mikey, do you want to be Ronald's mum? Yeah, I can Continue our legacy, Ronnie His mother croaked Slice us up Put us in your food No one will now

Beep The heart monitor flatlined Ronald woke up from his flashbacks So? Shrek asked When do you want to meet them As Shrek drove up To a whitewashed house

Ronald worried What if Shrek's parents didn't like him. Shrek sighed before saying, We're here. Ronald prepared his bag of special chicken nuggets. He opened the car door and walked up the white. Some people bring a bouquet of flowers, maybe a bottle of wine.

Ronald's got it worked out. It's fine. I prefer that. Yeah, yeah. He opened the car door and walked up the winding path. Do you remember when they did spicy nuggets for like one month years ago? Hey guys, remember that Sesh one sauce? Bring that back.

Yeah, where is my Seshwan source? He opened the car door and walked up the winding path that led to Shrek's parents' house. Ronald nervously eyed Shrek. It's okay. Shrek reassured Ronald. They'll like you. They walked into the house, immediately bombarded with hugs from Shrek's parents. Shrek stood back for a moment and introduced them to Ronald.

Oh, for God's sake. Oh, fuck off. Ronald, these are my parents. Hatsuni Miku? And Yohoi Lloyd! I've never heard your hoyloid before. I had to look him up. He's like a Hatsuni Miku, but like a Swedish man, he's used in a lot of DJ stuff.

Oh wow, the website doesn't let you copy and pierce text. Doesn't want you stealing this valuable literature. Which is why you are reading it on the website. Oh, yeah. Weird. Mom, dad, this is my soulmate, Ronald. Ronald waved at Hatsunni. Ni Meku and Yoholyde.

Ben, they waved back, unblinkingly. Do they ever blink? Ronald thought to himself. They never did blink. Sad, it says. Sad. It's very sad. One of my favorite joys and life is a good blink.

One of life's great pleasures. Meku and Yohio Lloyd looked Ronald up and down. Come sit here, Meku said, pointing to a chair. Ronald obliged. Shrek stood in a corner. They all sat in silence for a moment before Yo-Hio Lloyd spoke up. So? So.

Oh, go ahead, Peter. So, what do you do for a living? He asked Ronald. Oh, I used to run a food... I used to run a food industry. Meku nodded. We grow cabbages. Meku leaned into Ronald, looking over at Shrek.

Don't tell Shrek, she whispered. But we also work for the mafia. Whoa. There's twists in here. Yeah. Meku leaned back in her seat. She eyed up Ronald's bag of nuggets that he was holding. What are those?

Meku said, pointing to the bag. Oh. Ronald said, These are my gifts to you guys. Ronald handed the two the bag. Miku and Yoho Loid, it's got to be pronounced differently to that. Reached into the bag and each grabbed a nugget.

taking a bite out of them. Wait. The Ohio Lloyd said. Are these not vegan? Shrek gasped. Ronald gulped nervously. Ronald inched over to Shrek and whispered into his ear. You never told me they were a vegan.

Shrek wiped his palms on his shirt. I never knew either. He whispered back. He whispered back, said Dumbledore calmly. I never knew either. Ronald reached in. to his back pocket, Shrek nodded. Uh, I...

It's just me. I don't think we... I didn't think we had to resort to this, but it's the only way. Ronald pulled his McPistel out of his pocket and cocked it. Shrek and Ronald pulled out of the driveway. Oh, we didn't see what? Oh, come on. A cut.

Oh, God. The time jump. Shrek sniffed. Ronald sighed. I'm sorry we had to kill your parents I think this is Ronald It should be It's deceptively written

I'm sorry we had to kill your parents Shrek looked at Ronald It was the right thing to do Shrek said his voice barely cracking It was the right thing to do There you go And here we go

Get ready Shrek pulled into a park and got out of the car Come on He said to Ronald, you want to at Shrek. Come on. He said to Ronald, Let's take a walk. Ronald got out of the car and lit another McSigarette.

They walked for a bit before getting to a grassy hill where they sat down. Ronald looked at Shrek. Shrek looked at Ronald, tears in his eyes. They made out for 10 hours rolling around the grassy hill. Oh God, 10 hours. I thought for a minute when you said, wait for it. Wait, do you see what happens now? And they went on to a grassy knoll.

I thought they were about to be conversing. They assassinated JFK, then they made out for 10 hours. And that's the end. That's the end of this one. Again, great, great storytelling. Very little sexuality, right at the end. The last sentence, literally, that's it. Yeah, a 10-hour makeout session.

Yeah, absolutely. Now, there are four more chapters. I hope you've enjoyed that glimpse into the Sonic X. Ronald McDonald fanfic. world, happy to return at some point in the future if people would like to find out what happens next. Yeah, don't look ahead. I will need to read the rest of it to make sure it's okay and it doesn't veer into dangerous territory. But there we are. That was my thing. I'm sorry. Thank you. Too late now. It's no good to apologize in at this point. And I've scarred everyone, haven't I?

Cry because it happened, yeah. Thank you, Ben, for that. It's now time for Michael Johnson to give us is listener submitted thing. Yes, indeed. And in front of me, I have articles submitted by Greg Miller at Greg Mill 2-290 on Twitter. And this is from the AP News under the oddity section. Ooh. And the headline reads, Colombian police catch a man smuggling packets of cocaine under his toupee.

Good eye spot. Yeah, good ideas for. next. Bogota, Columbia. Colombian police apprehended a 40-year-old man attempting to smuggle several bags of cocaine concealed beneath a meticulously attached to pay. Police said the suspect was detained

at Cartagina's airport on... Cartagena? Cartergenia. Cartagena's airport on Monday. Has he prepared to board a flight to Amsterdam? A scanner revealed the hidden cargo. 22 grams of cocaine packaged in small bags strategically placed under what authorities described as a narco wig

No Not a narco wig If only he'd taken his normal person wig They wouldn't have found it It's a giveaway Yeah you don't go out of your criminal wig Come on There's a very unsettling picture of the two pair being removed

With the little bags Blue underneath Oh dear Police estimate the street value of the drugs at approximately €10,000 in European markets. Mm-hmm, fair, fair. A police video released on Monday, captioned a moment an officer,

wearing blue gloves, carefully removed the suspect's wig with scissors, revealing approximately a dozen packets of cocaine. Further police statements confirmed the suspect's prior criminal record, which included two previous drug trafficking convictions. Nauty. Organised crime groups are exploiting young people falsely suggesting that they, falsely suggesting that they can easily bypass our security measures, said Carter Jr. Police Commander Jen Gelva Yassid Pena.

However, this case demonstrates that it's not true. Peter, you put another picture in there. My God, that thing was filled. Yeah, they led with the wrong picture there. That's a much better picture, which is hidden behind their slideshow. But look at that. Classic, narc wig. Yeah, that's like...

That's a good, like, inch of padding on it. Maybe, yeah, I guess you see someone walk through the airport with a very long head. Marge Simpson turns out. Cocaine production in Columbia has been rising since 2013, according to the United Nations Office on Drug and Crime. A report published in October by the internal organization found that cultivation of coca bushes increased by 10% in Colombia in 2023, while potential cocaine production increased 53% from the previous year. While a 2016 peace agreement with the FARC rebels aimed to curb coca cultivation and rural areas. Which a language, Michael, please.

Farking rebels. Smaller armed groups have filled the power vacuum actively promoting the lucrative cocaine trade. I watched a little video about narco submarines the other while where drug traffickers literally design and build submarines. designed to go like for weeks or months in the water to funnel drugs. So I quite appreciate this more low-key strip-back approach to her stuff in you under his wig, mate. It's my least favourite Beatles song, Narco Submarine. It's pretty depressing, really. She's about drug mules.

It's not one of McCartney's better one. No. Oh, dear. I don't know why I'm saying bless him. He knew what he was doing. Oh, bless him. Oh, bless him for smuggling life-shortening drugs. you didn't know they were jokes me maybe he just bought a very expensive week to pay yeah look how much

padding there is so comfortable so energizing as well yeah i mean we still don't know what was actually inside that sausage we had in viduettes no that looked a bit like it could have been a smuggle sausage a narco sausage yeah we didn't know we could have had coca in there the whole time do you think they let you wear the wig for free once and then they charge you for it after that point once you've got a taste, which you've got a taste for it. You're like, oh, I wore that wig last week and I just really want to put it on again. I didn't know. Gave me loads of energy.

Yeah. Oh, man. That's, that's the news. Thank you, Mike. Wait, wait, sorry, I found, no, I found a picture of it on his head. This is ridiculous. Okay, how big does it look? What the fuck?

Maybe this isn't it? Maybe this is a different, no, I think maybe this is a different man. It's hard to tell. But here's an example of a different narco wig, I guess. This is, ah, this is from 2019 in this article. But this is awful. He's got an extra level to his head. That's so silly.

What the hell? It looks like there's another man standing behind him. Yes. Yeah, the hair doesn't even line up. There's like a little bump at the back. Come on, guys. It better. I think this one, they recently caught.

It did. It does look better. But still, apparently not good. enough. Wow. Our world. Great. I can't get over his fucking hair shelf. He's just got a second head of air on the back of his head.

There's so many drugs under there. Wonderful. Well, thank you, Mikey, and thank you, listener, for sending that in. Greg was it? Greg Miller. Thank you. During the Volvo Fall Experience event, discover exceptional offers and thoughtful design that

use plenty of room for autumn adventures. And see for yourself how Volvo's legendary safety brings peace of mind to every crisp morning commute. This September, Lisa 2026 XE90 plug-in hybrid from $599 biweekly at 3.99% during the Volvo Fall Experience event. Conditions supply, visit your local Volvo retailer or go to explorevolvo.com. Well, I've now got a thing that was actually submitted to me

by my good lady wife who said saw this headline and immediately thought of idiots. So I was going to bring this along anyway. And then because it is the kind of thing where you do immediately think of videos, it was also submitted to us by our resident elf archer Ernie Arrowsmith. So thank you, at Earn Arrowsmith on Twitter for sending this in. But yes, this is my own thing that was supplemented by a listener as well. So this is a guardian write-up, Alton Tower's new toxic waste-themed ride briefly closes due to sewage leak. Oh, God, no! Alton Towers, will you get it together?

They're coming up with new ways to try and kill people. That's bad. The Toxicator closed for about an hour on its first day after a burst pipe flooded the area nearby with sewage. The Toxicator. It would be the toxic waste-themed ride as the sewage. That sounds like a CBBC Supervillain. Yeah. That's awful.

A toxic waste-themed rider Alton Towers had to be temporarily closed on its opening day after a burst pipe flooded the nearby area with sewage. The Toxicator, the park's newest ride, was shut for about an hour on Saturday after the area nearby was evacuated. Alton Towers opened from 10am on Saturday for its 2025 season, staying open until 8 p.m. for Alton after dark.

Plans for the new ride were announced in January. prompting fans to travel to the Staffordshire Park, eager to be amongst the first to ride the attraction. I wonder if any of them had an oat cake while they were there. I should bloody well hope so. Some queued for more than an hour for the Toxicator, which promises, quote, a fearsome battleground of otherworldly aliens,

suspicious scientific experiments, and military might. Whoa. The ride takes thrill seekers past themed props, including barrels of toxic waste, black and yellow branding outside the attraction warns of an overhead splash hazard. Oh God.

It was also premeditated. Oh, shit. Wow. God. There's a really good photo of, oh, where is it? Oh, it's not actually embedded in the article, but it is the...

Oh, no, I've got two articles here, and one of them has photos of... Oh, here we go. Oh, God. From the Daily Mail's write up. They've got photos of the actual spillings. Oh, that is grim. That's brown water.

God, they take the ride branding to the next level, don't they? Yeah, they do. I just love the horrible, like, poo puddles with all of the hazard signage, like, right next to it. Splash zone, literally next to it. Splash zone there's really good. That's so good. I might switch, actually, to the, we've got a daily mail write-up, and normally I wouldn't encourage reading the Daily Mail,

but they're normally quite good for Poddiet's because they write terrible articles. For example, their opening line is the new Toxicator ride at Alton Towers was forced to close on its opening day after a burst pipe spewed, quote, brown liquid near frustrated visitors. Oh, God.

Ben Keble, who'd been queuing for about 70 minutes, said, we thought it was water from the ride above us as water was dripping down from the fountains on the ride. The steady flow became more of a puddle around our feet. He said they were told

to leave the ride with no offer to come back with a fast pass given we waited 70 minutes. This was just a small part of a nightmare day at the park.

My son was so disappointed. Oh, God. They didn't have any oak cakes left. No, they'd run out. Videos posted on social media showed visitors confusion as brown liquid

quickly flowed from the drains. TikTok user ride comparisons said, we've just been on the toxicator and the whole queue has been evacuated. We don't know why. The one ride we could go on because the one ride we could go on because the queue wasn't too bad.

Full stop. These rides are always having teething issues but I've never seen a top spin explode the drains. He added, It smells of shit. Oh, no. And here's a screenshot

from his TikTok with a photo of the sewage and just the caption smells off shit. Oh, that's mad. So, yes, a loud speaker attached to the ride can be heard saying in his TikTok,

I need you to make your way to the nearest exit to venture elsewhere. We apologize for any inconvenience and thank you for your patience. Toxicator has experienced a delay that unfortunately cannot be resolved in the foreseeable future and has ceased operation.

An Alton Tower's spokesperson said Due to an unexpected burst pipe near the ride Toxicator briefly paused operation While our teams swiftly dealt with the issue The ride in the surrounding area Are now fully reopened and welcoming guests That smells gotta linger though Surely that's a lever for a day or something let air out

Yeah definitely Well I remember when the toilet's backed up In the Oggscast offices And that certainly lingered Yeah that was a bad day yeah yeah it was um so uh i mean that that's mostly it uh it does add riders are seated back to back on the ride before being flipped upside down where they will be suspended over quote a pool of toxic alien acid you've got to hope that there's not been any leaks anywhere else when you're dangling over what is supposed to be prop toxic hazards uh it could potentially be the real thing um so good very good but uh they go that was my it's a bit shorter than usual but that was my thing

so thanks to those who sent it and thanks to my wife for bringing it to my attention incredible thank you Peter and thank you every we've done Mikey am we yes we have and off again Mikey okay thank you everyone for all of your things and thank you to listeners for submitting your things we hope you've enjoyed this episode

of potty it's we really appreciate your support don't go just yet though because we've got to plug some things and plugging the things helps us continue for the next, you know, several episodes. So please do listen carefully to the following safety announcements. Yeah. Michael Johnson, I believe there's some kind of shop. You're done tooting.

If you head over to vidiatesofficial.com and click on the lovely enticing little shop button. You will be greeted with a verital bounty of mugs, shirts, hoodies, hats and more. Go check it out. There's a good little collection of stuff on there now. Some oldies, some newies, but they're all goodies. So go check it out. store, wait, it's not store.orgscast. It's, it's, video, it's official.

God, that's a real throwback. Yeah, that's really, that's, deep in my brain. Just vidiatesofficial.com, thank you. We are on Instagram and TikTok at vidiates. Dot official and YouTube, Twitter, Facebook and Blue Sky at Vidiatesofficial. Our discord is vidiatesofficial.com forward slash discord. Thank you Tommy and Fleckers for modding us over there. We appreciate you both very much.

Twitch.tv.TV follows slash Vilela-Ford slash Vidiots official. We stream there occasionally. That's where the reunion stream will be happening at the end of this year. Poddiots.com is where you need to go to support us directly. If you donate three pounds or more,

you'll get a shout out at the beginning and the end of the next episode of Poddits. You join Pod Squad. Thank you so much again to this episode's Pod Squad, which is as follows Michael Johnson. The generous old Greg loves you boys. frogly take that elephant away please caroline i feel faint raindrop joy donac o seven ski uh skevenstodez steven skodez bartech in valley of slurponder known for its almonds and pecan bartech

loves slurpondi's nuts there we go it's quite it's a big mix of letters slurpondi's nuts there we go thank you we've also got uh lord brottovich but kind of sad Fums up Fwed Weber Skecher I barely know her Jewel's face Nuttle Minads For Easter

I told my friends Mr Macca Kermit the Pog Extra 40 weeks worth off poddiots And Caroline Actually just says Caroline where is hard drive There's no the

There is hard drive And finally We have the very generous Orange Cassidy The Far Wall Mikey and Ashton podcast please Stinged-on-bum-deliver punts Not ready for you to go just yet

Eating a meal A succulent cyber fart Fresh nip is manic And finally Prince Beefcakes Thank you very much Everybody for your support We appreciate you

Thanks so much Pottiots.com 3 pounds To get a shout out At the beginning in the end of the next episode of Potties and join Pots squad Thank you What came out Seven years ago on Vidiots this month Peter

You feel old yet? We had the bus that couldn't slow down challenge, which was a lot of fun. Skyrim Zoo debuted episode 1 at the start of March. We had some silly lists such as five video game characters who are total assholes off camera. We announced our Patreon, apparently. Podiat's episode 1, Hi, Hi, Evelyn, debuted on the 6th of March 2018. So, happy birthday, Podiat once again. We had, of course, some worst games ever,

such as the classic Little Britain, the video game. We did our Pokemon Prove It as well, where we messed around with eggs, and that was a very smelly shoot, I seem to remember. Yes. There was, of course, some post-sum tatt. London Racer, worst games ever happened as well. And we also trolled each other in Playlinks Frantics.

Do you remember that? I do. It's one of the weaker Playlink games. Yeah But we did it We trolled each other I remember that We made a video

Because we wanted to play it anyway And then we were offered Very kindly by the developers We were offered a brand deal And we'd already made the video Not knowing that there was going to be a brand deal And then I remember them just having loads of really pointed feedback Because I don't know

Sort of almost saying I don't know why you'd do this if it was a brand deal And so we didn't know it's a brand deal We already made it But yeah that was a lot of fun I remember enjoying that game We also, sorry, we became the Tomb Raider, forgot to say. Oh, yeah, we did.

We became the Tomb Raider, which was a great immersive experience that we did. Really fun. I love that one. Still my favourite memory of that one is the making us redo our intro four times. Eventually, just giving up. Just going, yeah, fine. We were perfect the first time. I don't know why they needed to.

Anyway, we were just talking over each other. Regardless, Mikey, where are you on the internet, please? At Paraboy on Blue Sky and Instagram Them's be the best two places to see what I'm up to Go, give him a follow And Peter, where are we? You can find me at That Peter Austin On Twitter and on Blue Sky

And on Instagram as well, but not so much You can find Ben on Blue Sky at Confused Dude Without an underscore, am I correct? Not allowed underscores on there, yeah, bullshit. Welcome. And you can find us both at Triple Jump. Team Triple Jump on YouTube and Twitch, primarily where we're doing video gamey stuff

and hanging out with Rawls Boss, making bad food, playing worst games ever, all of that stuff that you remember from the peak of the Vidyat's days. Yes, absolutely. Why don't you leave us a five-star review on your platform of choice? It helps something to do with Al Gore's rhythms.

And God, we'd really appreciate it. Thank you, everyone who's left us a lovely review. All you have to do is do five stars and say, it was great. This cured my cold. Or something like that. Easy. I just wrote them before you.

Thank you again to everyone for listening to this episode of Poddietz. Is there a final question that we want to ask before we bugger off for the next couple of few weeks? Surely it's... Oh, um... Do you have for the tattoo? Yeah, exactly, yes. Oh, yes. I'm very curious to hear what everyone comes up with.

There's going to be like some gold in there, so it's going to be quite hard to pick a favourite at the end of all this, I think. But yeah, get all your ideas. in. I'm very, very curious to hear them. Let us know. Fantastic. Well, thanks so much for listening and supporting us, everybody. We'll see you next month. Bye. Bye.