Podiots - Podiots: Episode 16 - In Bed With Neil

Episode Date: October 2, 2018

Peter's exposes the role of desk fans in a string of South Korean homicides, Ben talks furries, and Mikey explores his serial killing tactics (if he were to serial kill) in worrying depth. Buy yourself some Vidiots merch: https://yogsca.st/VidiotsMerch Twitch: Twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/vidiotsofficial Discord:  http://bit.ly/VidiotsDiscord Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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during the Volvo Fall Experience event. Conditions supply, visit your local Volvo retailer or go to explorevolvo.com. We are recording. Good, clean, family fun. The cleanest family fun. How are you guys doing with your socks and your shoes on? Pretty good, yeah. Ben does currently have, he has one sock on.

There's probably one more hunter sleeve available if you want. No, it's fine. I've committed now. I've started. It's okay. For context, we're using a rag-tagged bunch of equipment for this podcast. because I've got a bubble in my throat again It's all these fizzy drinks you have

It's a spot like your Sprite Yeah we didn't have the right stands We didn't have any pop shields for microphones So Ben who resulted to putting his sock On his microphone to stop his peas from popping All over the place Whereas I found one of the two sleeves That Michael used when he was

Hunter from Spiro Hey guys I'm Hunter I'm Stevo Whoa Yeah Yeah so I'm wearing one sock And um How's it feels alright

I'm just sort of cuddling it with my other socket foot. And he's not even like, he's legitimately caressing his own foot. I just did a dribble down my face with my water bottle. I was wondering what that was. Was that intentional? Oh, your beard's gone.

When did you shave at mine? I shaved at yours last night. I didn't even notice. Oh, my God. It's strange because we have like a pair of sinks and a pair of like a couple's sink situation and a couple of mirrors so we can both shave at the same time.

I didn't see, I didn't see him do that. It's very sneaky. Must have snuck off, yeah. I mean, I think you're a bit hasty to describe it as a beard, to be honest. It was the most. bearder you've ever been while there were hairs. It wasn't as intentional as like I just, I didn't shave while I was on holiday and I was on holiday for 10 days. So that's just what happened.

It's not that I thought, hmm, I'll grow it. But it was just like, hmm, I'll allow it. And then, right. That's how I slipped into the beard because it was like near Christmas, Christmas 2016, I believe. And my shaver broke. I thought, oh, well, great. It's Christmas soon. I was buying myself a new one with the money. And it got to the point where I had the money. And I bought the shave. I thought, you know what, I quite like the facial hair. Now I've been forced to grow it. I'll just keep it. Oh, what a waste.

Never, never shaved it since. I never used to shave it just to trim it, right? It wasn't a waste of the shaver money. It was one of those ones where, like, its purpose is to get rid of all hair. Oh, no. It's a trimmer. It sounds like 30 quid gone. Did you sell it?

No, I kept it. Never used. I promise. Not on my bits. I promise, please. Never on my bits. My goodness. Right, is that the moment when we run the intro music.

Oh, I suppose. Well, actually, we got a piece of music we're going to play. Oh shit, yeah, I know this. We're going to play a little piece of music and then we'll roll the intro music. Wow, it's a long old intro. I know, it is a lot. Hopefully people enjoy it, I hope, anyway. This is from Uninformed Prick at God That's Awful on Twitter. Could you choose his name, but it's fine.

Well, I mean, I just cut straight, cut right to the chase, cut through the, you know, the soft cheese. Some idiot twat sent a thing in. Yeah, this big moron. Fucking dufus. Wrote a nice song about Sparkles, and Barbara Piss going on an adventure just like this. And because it's a piece of music that we've been sent, I thought, well, Podiat's is a nice place to put that.

Yeah. And so here it is. Thank you for the music. The songs we're singing. Well, we won't be able to sing along to it because... No, we won't. Michael's never heard it before and I've only had it once. What do you mean I've never heard it before? Oh, the song. I thought you talked about the Abba song. No.

Thank you for the music. The songs were... Lady in whatever Here's the song Here's the song Two friends out together Through thick and thin For one another One is sparkly

the other nude Once a gal The other a two Sparkles and Barbara fists On an adventure just like this Under the life the hollow ones Get ready for some awful puns It's a roll

When club down sparking violence in a shiny gown sparkles and barbapace on an adventure just like this under the live the hollow ones get ready for some awful puns Do-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ha. Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode 16 of Poddietz, the official podcast of the Vidiats' YouTube channel.

Don't make an unofficial one. Just don't. It'll be shit. Wow, yeah, you can't quite come near this quality. Nobody can't hear. us with a rag-tag bunch of instruments, fucking lighting rigs with a microphone strapped to it. Joe Rogan, Bay didn't have this shit. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck you, Seth Rogen. Yeah, fuck off. Oh, Jor Rogan, I meant. Yes, you did say Joe Rogan. Sorry, I thought I slipped. Good joke. Sorry, that was a good joke, and I read it for you.

Knob off, Ronald Reagan. Who do you think you are? I'm Ben. I'm very gassy. And I'm Peter. Awesome. Thank you very much for listening to us here and joining us here today on Podiat. We're a conversational podcast.

We have a nice chat and we obey the rules of the three us where everybody brings a thing along to talk about. So we take it in terms. We also got some questions from you guys as well that we sprinkle in there.

First, it's time for admin. Oh, no. Admin time. Thank you to Turtle Beach for sponsoring this podcast, bit.ly, 4, slash Idiot Speech. If you want to get some lovely headphones

like the ones, what we are wearing on our head areas right now. I can hear that ad so clearly. Yes. Should you do some. SMR for people who have the Turtle Beach out there. The Tall Beach headset enhances ESMR to another degree. I'll let you do it because I have to get very close to my sock.

Hello. Who's there? Welcome. You need like a binaural microphone. Yeah, we do. It doesn't quite work on this. I'm sure it still sounds nice, though. Binaural.

Bynch. It's cancelled. Yeah. Glitch, it's over. So we did a whole great big, well, not nice. Well, we did a few bits. Putting it over the top, I suppose. Actually, we did promote Glitch earlier in the year.

We said we're coming back to Newcastle, and then we did a tweet a little while back saying, we're still coming back to Newcastle for Glitch, which was a gaming festival that was meant to be happening. We were going to be going with Hat Films and doing a panel and meet and greet, and it would have been great fun. But they pushed it once, and now it's been postponed indefinitely. In fact, we gave it a great deal of promotion on the last podcast,

and it had to be edited out because we got word that actually had been postponed. And those of you who are hoping to come and see us, we're very sorry. We have no idea what's going on. It's out of our control. It's totally out of our control. You should have been... Shame on you.

Spone it twice. We're not going to go. You postpone it once. You can't get postponed again. Yeah, postpone a four. My favourite video game of all time. But hopefully they don't postpone it that many times. You should have been contacted by glitch for refunds and that kind of stuff.

Absolutely no idea what was going on. But apologies nonetheless if you wanted to see us there. Just follow us on social media and we'll tell you when we're going to things. Hopefully you can bump into us at then. You will see us eventually. At video it's official. On to I say? On everything.

On everything. Everything. On everything. On absolutely everything. Mikey. What's up? It's your birthday tomorrow. Oh shit, it is.

Oh, look at that. I'm going to be really old. How do you feel? Ancient. The same as always. Just farty and excited. Yeah. The last few weeks have been torturous

because I made the transition to veganism and I was warned about the farts. Yes. I knew the transition to vegetarianism. It was the best week of my life there. They were good farts. They were loud, they were proud. Is that when it was your, like, finals week?

Yeah, we were like crunch time on the edit of a documentary where we spent three days together in the same house, non-stop, sleeping for like an hour or two a day. I just couldn't start farting. And it's happened again, but this time it's worse. They actually smell. Imagine if you'd just gone straight from meat eating to veganism. It would have just been brutal.

Like, yeah, I've got like a nice easy transition into the stinks, but good God, I hope it ends. soon. I get really embarrassed where I fart in my room and my flat. I'm scared my flat minutes can hear me. Oh no, that would be mortifying. So yeah, 24 tomorrow, everybody. Amilliation. Cool fun. Incredible. Now, that means your birthday does fall on a post some tat day. But due to the nature of our recording schedule with Tiny Peter joining us for a few days every couple of weeks. Hello. And also wanting to give maximum amount of time for Mikey's special gifts to arrive from you find lovely folks at home. You are wonderful people. His birthday episode will be

the following week. Just in case you're confused when that doesn't appear. It will be next week so we can make sure that we can get as many. I'll give as much of a chance for things to arrive as possible. And also because otherwise Michael would have done a video where he opened like one thing and that would have been really sad. On my own as well, away from everyone. Because we record these so far in advance that we haven't given enough time for the postal system to work yet.

Well, thank you to everyone who has sent stuff so far. Absolutely, yes. You're incredible. We also, I think Peter, and I need to make a trip to, as to later, to get a special cake for Michael. Oh, my goodness, me. Sorry, what? Hello, hello?

No, hello, what? Oh. Right, would you guys like a question? A question. A question. Yeah. First up, this is Ria. At Ria underscore Rizina or Roshina.

I don't know which. Steps or S Club 7. Oh, shit. I was going to be steps at escalators. Well, let's answer that one. first. Escalators. Escalators every day. Because you can walk up the escalators if you want to. Yeah. I think escalators going up

and steps going down. I mean, I know you can do the same thing on an escalator, but there's something really satisfying by going down on steps. Yeah, I guess so. I'm not good at going down steps fast because I have really wonky knees. And it hurts. And they also click a lot. Got rickets. I haven't quite

got rickets, but it's like... Dropsy. I've definitely got dropsy. Drops the knees. Yes. Yeah. So I'm not fast at stare going... When I lived in London, I learned how to rapidly descend stairs for the underground. But it was uncontrolled and dangerous. And I had to keep going. I couldn't really stop.

I couldn't move from side to side either. It was a controlled fall. It's like how they destroy calling towers. Can we find some stairs and there see this? Because I really do want to see this. Yeah, I suppose so. But ever since it's just sort of been a lolloping, I'll go at my own speed, thank you, kind of thing.

I've got stairs fast enough, but down is tricky for me. No need to rush in Bristol. No. God, he's already an old man. I was born old. Also, escalators, going down those, those are big chunky steps. Going down those fast is difficult. Yeah.

You can only really walk down an escalator. It always feels weird when the escalator has stopped, but you walk down it anyway. It's so weird. It feels kind of strange. Maybe it is the depth of the steps. It's like a bit further down each step than you would normally expect. I think just slightly throws you off. The fact that every time you go on an escalator, it's moving as well.

I think your brain just gets used to that. And it's when it doesn't happen. It's like, whoa. Why are we going so slowly? humans are stupid humans are what big weird bags of fluids we are remember the the animation or the was it at a university or a college designed or tried to teach an AI how to run oh yeah yeah yeah and it just like flails its arms around because that's that in its in its own by its own calculations is the most efficient way of getting there and it's just sort of this

weird flailing mess of like dragging its arms behind you know that if it had a mouth it would just be screaming constantly it does literally fling itself in a direction and just kind of can't rack that's me going downstairs yeah just series of reactions rather than planned movement yeah anyway the pop groups the UK pop groups off of the 90s slash early 2000 what did steps do again uh tragedy yeah five six seven eight oh that's a good one um there is actually a step song that I really like and I'm just trying to remember what it's, I'm just googling it now. I mean, S Club 7, I do have some anecdotes. Because they did

start, they started as a television show, right? And then they actually just Wait. S Club 7 was a TV show. They didn't do it the other way around. That's what I thought at the time. That's what I thought. That's what I thought. What the time? No, they started as a TV show and then the music from the TV show. Wait. I don't think that's right. Are you fucking kidding me?

I was told that as a youth. And I always just then held it as gospel, because I thought it was the other way around. I think you were lied to. Oh, I may well have been I'm just going to Google S Club 7 Okay, please do They had several TV shows There was S Club 8

One of which is now Fergie Out of the Saturdays Oh my God, that's right, yeah Are you sure it's not Are you sure about that? It's not Fergie It's Rochelle No, no, no, no

The one with the pointy hair Oh my God Maybe there were two of them I think you're just grossly misinformed On all things S Club I thought I was the biggest S Club fan I actually am not an S club fan

Fergie out of the Saturdays. Yeah. I don't think there even is one called Fergie, is there? What's her name? Fergolicious. Uh, I don't see a Fergie. Does Frankie... Frankie? Frankie, that's the one.

Frank, I don't know. Frankie may have been from S Club, but certainly Rochelle was from S Club. I'm reasonably sure. I'm sad to announce that S Club did not start as a TV show. Oh, damn it! They formed like 97, 98 and the TV show was 99. You are absolutely right. Frankie was a for.

former member of S Club 8, but I'm just going to double check because I think Rochall... What is going on? You know, see, I've got some weird everything needs... Citation needed. Every part of this conversation

from now on, citation needed, okay? Because clearly I've just grown up with lies. I was thrown off because, yeah, you're right that Frankie was, but so was Rochelle. Okay.

I knew that she was because she... I didn't know Rochelle was. She also did... She used to present Smile on CBBC with Barney and Nev Saturday morning. thing and that's why I knew there was like a link there with CBBC, because S Club 8 was kind of

spawned from like a TV show, like a pop idol TV show on CBBC. Maybe that's why I'm getting confused in my so it's all kind of tied together but yeah, that's that. Oh, that was embarrassing. S Club 7, reach for the stars.

Nothing's going to beat that. That was a tune. Steps got nothing. I agree. Climb every mountain high and reach for the star. I agree that I would have said without hesitation I would have said S Club 7 until very recently I discovered the song Stomp by Steps

I think that's a pretty good song can you play it for us well not legally no well who's gonna stop us steps they're broken up are they yeah they sometimes come back and then they don't do they get a little wave of oh steps are back and then they go away when they next awaken from their slumber like some sort of doomsday yeah they'll be taken down this episode But I don't think that will happen. No, my answer remains S-Club, but just not as strongly as it once was, because I think Stomp is a pretty good song.

Okay. Just saying that. What's the, Rachel Stevens. Rachel Stevens is in S-Club. Yes. I, she had a brief solo career. Yeah, very brief. L-A-X.

Sweet dreams my L-A-X. Awful. I've met her. Have you? Yes, because she volunteered under her real name, which I can't remember, at a love. local summer sort of activity day thing that was at a farm near me

called Gubbins Farm That sounds like the most made up story in the world Rachel Stevens worked there And I don't know why And I had her autograph On the fridge for like five years I have two things to say about this Number one, she was the one that in my experience

All the boys that I knew fancied her more than the others, except me. Who did you fancy? Did you fancy the racist one? Which was my next point I was getting on to? Which one's the racist one? Joe! Oh, God, yeah, she was racist on Big Brother, wasn't she?

Yeah, she was fucking awful. No, not Joe. I quite liked Hannah, who ended up in that, um, CG... Car crash. That's another piece of S Club, Laura, I'm making up. No, she ended up in a TV show called Prime Evil. Oh, I remember that, yeah. Oh, shit.

It wasn't actually a car crash show. It was like reasonable. It was okay. It's just a bit. The other thing I want to say, before you get onto about how Joe was racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This question's undone quite a lot, hasn't it? Yeah, it has. What, you're talking about Rachel Stevens. She volunteered to go to a children's thing, farm called Gubbin's Farm. What she also did, relating to children, was go on Dick and Dom, and then before the end,

before the final Creamy Muck-Muck Challenge, she said she wasn't going to go back on, So they were running a, you know, they used to run cartoons. Yeah. And while that happened, she sort of walked off and wouldn't come back on because she didn't want to get creamy muck-muck. What the fuck? That's the whole point of Dick and Dom. And they referenced it several times in later series about how she was the only celebrity who ever came on and was like, no, I don't want to get creamy muck-muck in my hair.

Oh my God, that's a minute. I didn't know that. What the fuck? That's so sad, though. Like, imagine having the chance to go on there and just saying no, declining Dick and Dom's muck. Yeah. It's just a disgrace. You know what you're getting yourself in for.

Anyway, Shil Poshetti and Jade Goody and Joe, whatever her surname. Oh, that season of Big Brother. Joe O'Mara. That was quite a famous one, wasn't it? Joe O'Mira. That was the height of Big Brother as well.

That was like when it was kind of watchable. So controversial, because they just kind of let it carry on for quite a long time. She launched a solo career after the group split in 2003, which was cut short following an appearance on Celebrity Big Brother. God. I think someone... Paul Canterwell sold his BAFTA as well.

Oh, yeah, he did. His Brit Award. His Brit award. Yeah, because he tried to sell it and then... He got a lot for it. How much did it then? I'll have a look now. He tried to sell it and I think the first time he did it,

there was like a problem with the auction. I think it got loads of publicity. I think something happened where it was like, oh, no, this has gone really wrong. But then like a week or so later, he listed it again and I think it sold. Yeah. He got a fair bit for it.

Really, like, see, that's why he's... is like just, you know, there's no drama with steps. It's just, what's H's current hairstyle. That's what's going on. That's all the matters. Do you have an exact number? Because I wouldn't sell it for less than five digits. Following an unsuccessful eBay auction where the winner and overseas fan failed to pay the $66,000,

Paul is attempting to sell it again. Oh, he never got around to selling it again. This may be from a while ago. Oh, right. Yeah. I'm just trying to find out for you guys. I feel like at least 10K, I think, for a Brit award. Because it was this year that he tried to sell it.

Was it? Oh my God, it's recent. I do have the figure 12,000 in my head. I don't know if that was like the starting amount or like what he thought you would get for it or something. That's the thing you've won the Brit Awards. Yeah. The status is just kind of like a symbolic thing.

Yeah, you can always just say, I won a Brit. And then sold it on eBay. It looks like it was about 60 grand. Fuck me. I'd sell my Brit Award for that. My God, yeah, me too. Who's buying a Brit Award? Well, someone overseas who can't pay for it, apparently.

Well, thank you for that question. That was an ordeal, wasn't it? God, what a mine of it? information and anecdotes. One other question very quickly before we move on. Yeah. This is from L382 at underscore L382, and they would like to know where is Dave?

Because I think it might have been a little while since we had Dave, perhaps. I think if we say his name loud enough, he might come. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. I'm thirsty, Dave. Dave. Dave. Oh, there's a lovely bag of tucks in here. I might just tuck in. Dave. Dave. What's his favorite one? Just the plain, like, salty one. I think he's a fan of a plain tuck. A bit of cheese. Oh, God. I don't understand the salt one. It's like, I love salty things, though. Really? I like salty things in general, but I think salty tucks are just a weird.

Have you had it with cheese? They're like ritz crackers. They're delicious. I don't think I've ever actually had it with cheese. It might be really good with cheese. It's really good with cheese. I do like the texture of tucks. They've got a good. Yeah, the texture is good. They're almost hollow, aren't they? It's like... It's very light and kind of crumbly works. Almost like it's good for you. Almost like you could eat a whole packet

and you'd be fine. Yeah, and you would actually get even more healthy. Oh, fuck's sake. He heard us talking about tucks. He's here. He's arrived. Dave. Hey, Dave, fellas.

How's going to go in nice and close? Someone was asking after you. Yeah. Yeah, wanting to know where you are. Yeah, how you been? Where have I been, lads? Where have you been? How have you been?

How have you been? I've been here. Where have you been? I'm looking at Pierre. Yeah, I've been in France, just hanging out with Leo. Yeah, yeah. What's Leo saying? Is he talking? Is he asked for us? I didn't understand the word he was saying. It was all just in French.

Why did you go if you weren't going to be able to speak to him? Well, you know, I've been around the world, don't speak the language, but his booty don't need explaining. That's true. He's a sexy man. Yeah. Have we even, have we mentioned Leo before on the podcast? I don't think we have, actually, have we? Leo was a man we met when we went to Paris for the what's next

what was the publisher called DeFocus The Focus Interactive thing in Paris were just after we'd started videos pretty much And Leo was there Lovely French man And so was Dave

He now works for fourth floor Alongside Dave He poached him And now we've got a Frenchman And he lives in a French city That I recently visited Baudel Baudet

Did you get any can'talais Any what? Any wash? Any wash? I don't know what that is. So it's like a dessert-style pastry thing. Oh, is that weird? It looks like a cartoon jelly, but it's like, yeah, that stuff is really good. It's like a part of their culture.

It's a jealousy. Weird jelly-looking things inside bakery windows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I didn't get any. Didn't get any. Leo brought a box them over last time. Did you sound really nice, like soaked in the room as well? Oh, they are weird.

Oh, they are nice. I like them. I had a pen pal in Bordeaux when I was growing up, so I went there quite a lot. What was his name? Strangely, and I've already spoken to Leo about this, he was called Leopold. What? Yeah. It may have been Leo.

It may have been Leo. Did he have, like, sexy handwriting? He did have very sexy handwriting. Oh, well, it was Leo then. My Leopold has lost his hair, though, and Leo has a mane, doesn't he? Do you still talk to him? No. How did you just have lost his hair?

How did you just sort of that fizzleil? Huh? Yeah. Well, you know, he just, he like, murdered three of my animals and they, I never saw him again. He just fled the country. Inmates need pen pals too. Yeah, right.

That's true. It's like there's women who start writing to people on death row just because it's like a charity thing and then they fall in love with them and get married. That happens like, that's happened on more than one occasion.

They get to have death row sex. Yeah. You've seen that show on Netflix where the guy goes to prison for something he didn't commit and he has this, he had all these women writing into him saying like, oh, it's so sexy that you're on death row and all.

Oh my God. It must be a weird thing. fetish of someone put me on death throw please Dave you got some you got some tat posted to you recently right I got some tat yeah

you've had the tucks I've had the tucks they lasted about what 10 minutes well you showed them with the office that was a bad mistake that was a real mistake a rookie move I mean I'll take the credit

for eating most of the packet not many people they're like what you're just eating tucks plain I'm like fucking damn right I am actually plain tux are good plain bread playing everything plain is good

yeah and then you You got sent a can of a can of drink, didn't you? A beer, yeah. A beer, was it nice? So, I'm doing, I think I told you, sober September. Oh, yeah, you are. Yeah, so I actually recommend it. Has it been, yeah?

Yeah, I, yeah, for all you alcohols out there. Yeah. It's worth giving your body a little break for a month. It can be tough, but, no, yeah, I'm looking forward to so Monday, we're going to crack them up, crack open these beers and... I'm doing Alktober where I just drink twice as much booze is what I'm normally supposed to

yeah so yeah no delighted at that I'm basically a part of the videos now I'm in the I'm in the comments I'm getting some tat yeah I'm saying all the benefits without having to do any of the work to be honest what do you even do here

it's it's hard work being me guys believe or not it's it's tough yeah I mean come on look at me face for the radio slash podcast yeah right perfect you have a voice

for everything though you do have the most beautiful voice I've ever heard Dave no not tall you guys got lovely teeth as well Dave

oh my god oh my god look at the look at the uh the skin as well it's just glowing simply radiant

he's got a nose to his hair's always on point I'm here to do a job and one job only and it's not to fucking talk to you guys just to grab your guys some drinks

Yes, Dave. Yes. I will have a hot Dr. Pepper, please. Come on. Okay. I will have a pizza blended into a smoothie, then fed to some sort of pizza gremlin that you've created in a lab. Right? And then...

You milk it. Blend that up. Oh, no. And then feed it to another one. And then I'll just bring that gremlin in here and I'll have it as a pet. Okay. That's not too complicated. Just a glass of tap.

water please we've actually we've no tap water oh no I'll have the gremlin juice as well then in that case have the runoff yeah what Ben put your fucking socks on no what I'm looking at my feet man see in a different episode

that would have sounded like one of Dave's things stop clenching your fists but he does actually have his socks off yeah with what the socks on here it's a pop shield oh oh yeah it's like a cheetahs he's got a sexy cheetah print going on yeah

nice little tarzan thing I just thought I want to Just play with it In case it got on the way of your beautiful voice Don't want anything hindering that beautiful Irish Michael's playing with his fluffy sock That covers up his microphone Well thanks very much Dave

Thank you for coming Thanks Steve pleasure Thanks for letting them know where you are And that you're okay See ya bud The fans have been worried Sock back on He's dressed like a member of like

A dance trip that would do river dance Isn't he today? He is all black A black top And black tight fitting top And black jeans Looks like he's ready to just Burst out into dance

At that's such a sexy act accent. Guess who, um, halfway through that exchange realized that microphone was on the wrong setting. Right. I did think it was kind of quiet for a bit. Yeah. Is it going to be an issue? It's just, it means it's been picking up audio from this side as well. Oh, great. So we're going to sound great, Peter, you and I. Oh, okay. It'll be all right. You're allowed to be okay. Yeah. Right. Who wants to do their thing? I'll go first. Go on then, Peter. What have you got? Well, I would like to take you back into the wonderful world of Weird Capitia. Oh, here we go. But it's actually a fan-submitted edition.

Oh, shit. This comes from Andy C.T. on Twitter at Super Andy T-83. A real-life superhero submitting weird computer. Yeah, that's a good username. Wikipedia.org, forward slash various bits of URL, forward slash fan death. Oh, of course. That's what I hope happens to you at home.

Whoa. A fan death? Yeah, no. Fan death is a well-known superstition in Korean culture Do you know this, Michael? Yeah, yeah. Where it is thought that running an electric fan in a closed room with no open windows

will prove fatal. What? Despite no concrete evidence to support the concept, belief in fan death persist to this day in Korea. I think my old Korean flatmate used to believe in it as well. Really? It's not just a made-up thing, it's a genuine thing. Now, there's a conspiracy theory

that the South Korean government created or perpetuated the myth to curb the energy consumption in the country to stop people having their fans on at night. See, that's quite nice, because Korea invents a fake myth about fans to save electricity. America creates crack cocaine

and AIDS. Yeah, that's true. They did create AIDS, didn't they? They did invent, I think they actually did invent crack. Or they spread it out of there. Probably not AIDS, though. Good job, America, you did AIDS. When full conspiracy... The turn in the frogs, gay!

It was... Do we have... any more information because so far all we've got is that leaving a fan and will be fatal. Yeah, we have proposed causes. Okay. So, hypothermia. That's stupid. It's an abnormally low body temperature, as you well know, caused by inadequate...

As I well know having suffered with. Yes, inadequate thermoregulation. Yeah. As the metabolism slows down at night, one becomes more sensitive to temperature. No. And thus supposedly more prone to hypothermia. So if you leave your fan on and it'll lower the temperature of the room,

you will get hypothermia and die. I don't think a fan lowers the temperature of a room. Does it just moves the air around? Well, by extension, if it's a really good fan, it can like cool. It's a really good fan. Yeah, if you're in a fucking meat locker. Well, what I mean is...

Why do they die? I don't get it. I mean, the fans that we have in the UK generally are just shitty desk fans that do just push air around the room. But you can get like really powerful fans that create enough of a gust that it's actually like, fucking out.

It's a bit cold. Why would you sleep? Okay, all right, fine. It gets hot and it's really horrible in Korea and summer. It's humid as fuck. Fair enough. Alternatively, hypothermia, which is heat stress. That's a different purpose.

Wow, hypothermia. Yeah. So they think that the air movement will increase sweat evaporation, which cools the body. Oh. But in extreme heat, when the blown air is warmer than the body's temperature, it will increase the heat stress placed on the body, potentially speeding the onset of heat exhaustion and other detrimental. mental conditions.

Oh my God, I didn't realize that was a thing. This sounds insane. Well, neither of these are true. I mean, they're things. They're just not the cause of fan death. It gets weirder. Oh, okay. You could die from having a fan in your room because of asphyxiation.

Oh, God. It is alleged that fans may cause asphyxiation by oxygen displacement and carbon dioxide intoxication. Essentially, as you're lying there, inhaling oxygen and breathing out carbon dioxide, it is going to push away oxygen in the room because, there's less of it in the room and leave you surrounded by a bubble of pure CO2. That's dumb. Well, it could happen.

Yeah. Their internet's so good. Why didn't they just Google it? 300 megabits a second. Have that result in a fraction of a second. Is this true? No. Oh, well, that's fine, then.

You might, it might sound like a bit of a conspiracy theory to be like, oh, the government are perpetuating the myth because they want us to not use as much energy. But actually, during the summer of 2011, I think, South Korean news sources oh actually it says during the summer any year, any and every year

they regularly report alleged cases of fan death but in 2011 an addition of the Korea Herald reported that a man died on Monday morning after sleeping with an electric fan running

the 59 year old victim only known by his surname Min was found dead with the fan fixed directly at him Oh my God, the fan killed him that would be a good way to murder someone He had a front door.

It must have been the door. He had a ceiling. Get rid of your doors. Oh my God. If you have two letters, you're going to die. No, what? Now, but that's just some stupid news outlet, right? That's not the government perpetuating the myth.

Or is it? What? How about the Korea Consumer Protection Board, KCPB, which is a South Korean government-funded public agency, issued a Consumer Safety Alert in 2006, warning that asphyxiation from electric fans. and air conditioners was among South Korea's five most common summer accidents

or injuries, according to data that they collected. Is this just people dying in the summer and the, oh, they had the fan on when they died? Like, just dying of natural causes in the sleep. Is this why South Korea has, like, such a low murder rate? It's because that's the fucking fans again. The fans! We've got such a nice place to live.

No one's ever convicted because it's the fucking fans all the time. We found a man in an alleyway full of, he had like 12 bullet holes in his head, but there was a fan. There was a discarded fan just in. In a shop, three blocks away. Yeah. God.

And they specifically went on to say that it could cause death by hypothermia and an increase of carbon dioxide saturation in the room. And that's from an official government body. That's from an official bullshit government body. Well, it is, but it's... Take that career. It's happening in Korea. If you're Korean and you're listening...

Oh, we do actually have someone... We do. We do. We do. We do. We do. Yeah, we're listening. Are you dead yet?

Let us know if you've heard of fan death. Let us know if you believe in fan death or whether you specifically don't have your fan on at night now. And, yeah, stay safe out there. Stay safe out there with your fans. They could, they're always watching. How do you think people react to other people who don't believe in it and have their fans on?

Like, if you were to visit someone who had a fan on and was going to do, but they go, no, no, you need to turn that off. I'm not going to you turn that off. Or I'm not sleeping in this house while you've got a fan on in here. Like, is it like that? Is it, because that sounds like some sort of, like, almost a mental disorder at that point. But it's got to be scared. Well, it's a bit like that India thing when people think they're giving birth to puppies through their urethra.

Yeah. And I suppose the witch doctor here is the government agency. Yeah. But when it's really hot, like, it's so hot you're uncomfortable. You're thinking, I'd rather be hot and sweaty than potentially die. I think I'd rather take the potential for death than be horrible hot and sweaty when I'm trying to sleep. I'd rather die than be hot. Exactly.

There we go. Peter Austin, 2018. Yeah. Kill me. Don't let me. Well, there you go, but... That was weird, wasn't it? That was weird, I don't think that's right.

That's a bit weird. So that was from whatever's name was. Andy, Andy something. Super Andy, C.T. Andy C.T. Super Ant. Weird Cidt. It's getting more and more complicated.

Andy C.T. Super Andy T. 83. Thank you very much. If you ask for me, you want me to talk about on Weird Capita, you can tweet it at me if you like, but not too much because that's a bit annoying. Also, while we're talking about being tweeted things that are annoying, we know that Dave Benson Phillips did a wrestling match thank you what Dave Benson Phillips did a wrestling match

thank you you can stop telling us now also we've all seen we've seen the picture from 2011 with Billy Ray so I sat there saying much to think about we've seen it we were aware it's been doing the rounds recently but did you know Dave Benson Phillips was a wrestler I did I've I'm so I'm so aware you've been from what culture yes I have have you left what culture yes I have did you know that Billy Ray has much to think about. Yes, I do.

Okay. Yeah. I really want to know how many times we've been tweeted about the Dave Benson and Phillips wrestling thing. It's got to be almost triple figures. Yeah. It's a lot. Thank you. Thank you.

But it's time to let us know. Do get in touch if Neil Buchanan starts wrestling or Mr. Blobby. Yeah, but we know if you've seen his band, Marseille. Oh. If you've seen Neil Beacon's. I think it's called Marseille. Yeah, like the French city. Oh, cute.

Yeah, Neil Buchanan's band. If you've seen it. I don't know why you would. just yell, this is an art attack. This is an art attack. Until he just gets loads of salt shakers out and makes an art on the floor. He does a big Neil Bukaki all over the floor. Oh, he makes a big boo cake for everyone to share.

Thanks. Right, next question. This is from, speaking of DBP, and Neil Buchanan. Oh. Max Springer. At Max underscore Springer, too. Thank you, Max. Shagmary Kill, Neil Buchanan, Dave Benson Phillips, Noel Edmonds.

Fuck. So Noel Edmonds, of course. Kill. Kill. You think? Yeah. Well, he's a bit mental at the moment, but he was Mr. Blobby, which is, you know, a very exciting thing.

Wait, was he Mr. Blobby? I don't think. Various times he was. Sometimes he was, but he's not the real Mr. Blobby. I showed you those clips, right? I had a VHS. I had an unmarked VHS in the drawer of my parents, which was like the weirdest Mr. Blobby tape I've ever seen

because it had swearing in, it was bleeped, but it was like loads of bloopers and outtakes from children's, UK children's TV show, Mr. Blobby. and he was like falling over and his head was like hinging backwards like the helmet hinged backwards and there was Noel Edmonds and he was just going blobby blobby blobby and like the footballer he was with that was showing around to kick a ball was like pissing himself laughing and he fell over the goal and broke it

yeah the goal kept falling on his head he kept yelling fuck as this and this was the weirdest tape I've ever seen you sure does this and I'm picturing it's so vividly it's on YouTube it is on YouTube it's like it might be Andy Cole I can't remember who with it. Basically, he's playing football and he just keeps falling over and knocking over the goal and like his head comes off. And he's clearly got a voice modulator in the scene. Yeah, like Dalfader. Yeah, exactly. Because as it flipped back, it was going probably blobby, blobby, blind. Anyway, that's Noel Edmonds, but he's dead now in this, in this hypothetical scenario.

He's annoyed at Lloyd's Bank right now. That's his current thing. Yeah, that was the, right? So talk to me about this. Remind me what this weird shit is. I think essentially, okay, so I can't give all the details because there is a lot to take he's been doing this for many years now but essentially Noel Edmonds is seeking to sue Lloyd's bank. He blames them for the collapse of his entertainment company

I assume there was a loan or something involved or something they're doing money but he's suing them for 60 million pounds for the uh the oh that was sorry that is that Noel's he can hear his talk no I'm sorry look not right now not right now blobby blobby bloby yeah essentially yeah Noel Edmonds has gone a bit

off the deep end, and all he tweets and talks about on TV now is Lloyd's are greedy, robbing bastards, I want to, I want to fuck them up once to see them for all they've got. Would he not have made, like, an absolute mint off deal or no deal? Because he's in every pub on a slot machine. Oh my God, he is.

Everywhere you go. Yeah, and wasn't that filmed not too far from here? Oh, yeah. Deal or no deal. Wasn't it at the bottle yard, whatever it's called? Oh, maybe, actually, yeah. It is a bit weird there what he's going through. It's like, it's a bit like, have you seen when David Ike just lost the plot, and he went on the gone full conspiracy theorists.

Well, he did years ago. He used to just do a sports section on a, like, BBC or ITV news thing. Yeah. And then he suddenly just kind of woke up one day and thought that, like, he had all this knowledge about, like, the end of the world. There's many things lizard people, isn't it? Now he does lizard people and all kinds of things. But he did this interview on Wogan at the time and kind of just got laughed at.

Oh, poor. And it was really uncomfortable. to watch. And then this is what kind of what Noel is doing now, Noel Edmonds, is I saw a thing on News Night where he was just, the reporter was just kind of saying,

yeah, you're kind of, you're kind of insane, aren't you? And he was like, I'm not insane, I'm just doing what's right. It's always owe me 60 million pounds. It's a bit weird,

I'm sure it's right. Yeah, okay, so we're killing off. Yeah, but now is misery, I think. It's the kind thing to do. It's difficult because I,

I am reluctant to shag Dave Benson Phillips. Unless it was on his list of things he wanted in exchange for hosting my child's birthday party. Dave does show is for sex. But I think it's a clear choice that we would all marry Neil because not only is he lovely, but he's got a fucking fortune. He can afford to tour. He can afford to tour with his shite band for the rest of his life. Dave has to work for Nando's and Noel is 60 million pounds in a hole.

But let's clarify, Dave isn't working for Nandoes the company. No. He would work in exchange for Nando's the ball of chips. Yeah, exactly. Which is way worse. Neil's got everything going for. I bet he's a really good dad as well. That's what I was thinking as well.

It seems like he'd be good to have in the house. Really tactile, exactly. The place would look really nice. You have salt all over the floor all times. No slugs entering that. There would be shit everywhere. No slugs, but there would be shit everywhere. Just big pictures of himself on the floor.

Every drawer would be a junk drawer. He'd have wardrobes that would just be full of reams and reams of coloured fabrics. for his big art attacks. And everything you do, he would go, look at that. That's what he used to say. Look at that. This is the control splat. And you grew all together

and you're lying in bed one day and he 80s and just Neil turns to you, slightly strained on his face and he goes, this is a heart attack. And that's it. And you're like, Neil, no. Neil, please. And then the laughing head in the corner

just goes. Because of course, you've got that in the house. Do you remember him? He said heart attack. Well, it's like shared custody. Oh, yes. And he's like, do we? You have to keep that in the room, Neil. This is the control splash.

Try it yourself. Try it yourself. I'm from Liverpool. Silly feast. The cartoon creator. She might have the band come over to practice after work. No, Neil, they're awful. This is my desk. It's all your desk, Neil.

I haven't got any of my stuff here, Neil. Oh, I did want myself as well. Shut! Go to sleep, please! Is it like a parrot where they have to put a sheet over it? It's like the world has gone. Send us yours Shut up

It's four In the morning This is my favourite parallel universe We've invented Yeah, fuck In bed with Neil Oh, that would be the name Of his late night show

Oh silly feet I'd marry him I would Yeah, marry the shit I'm glad we're all on the same page He's a wealthy boy Universally we all went for the same options Yeah, I like how we also

Just sort of glazed right past The Having Sex of Dave Benton's Because that's not something I want to think about Get your own pack, 150 points! Shut up, Dave, it's not a competition. They won an orgasm. They've been slimed.

Oh, God. You've been slimed. Oh, God. Where would you start with Dave Benson Phillips? Would you be a passionate lover? Would be like a quick? I would try and get it over as quick as possible. Sorry, Dave, if you're listening.

Well, I mean, his fans will know, be accused of bullying him again. Yeah. I mean, at what point does it become bullying? Because by accusing us of bullying him, It's kind of made us fixated on mentioning him whenever we can. Yeah, it's difficult.

Now we're bullying him. I think it's now we're bullying this nice man. He's a nice man. And he sent us a signed picture of them. For free, it didn't even, I don't know if we've spoken about this. The one that we got in Postum Tatt that was signed. The sign picture, Dear Benson Phillips.

Apparently, the person who bought it didn't get charged. So it was free. I just saw Dave Benson Phillips. Oh, it's very Dave. It's very Dave. Oh, fuck. Peak Dave. Okay.

Fantastic. God, I'm in pain. That's how long have we been going for? A while. That's about 40 minutes. Oh, awesome. Okay, well, I'll do my thing now. Oh, yeah.

If that's all right. Furies. What are they? Oh, for fuck sick. You in furries, will you stop? Shut up about them. So, we heard from Jenny Denham. Yeah.

Who I believe... Denny Jenkins. Denny Jenkins. You may have done a post some tat, actually. I mentioned that she was a furry on the weekends. And I was like, what does that mean? Like, I'm curious. I don't understand it, especially.

the sex aspect. And so I asked for clarification, and to be fair to her, she sent us a Facebook message that I will now read to you. Okay. And this is an inside look at the furry, the furry, uh, what's the, behind closed pause. There it is. Nice. Thanks. I'm not even going to continue with, uh, trying to express what the sections. Because we've done it. Because that's it right there. Most people equate being a furry to it being a kink or fetish, but in the fandom itself, it's not massively prominent. Far from important, hang on, sorry, I'm just, I'm just, I'm trying to read it from behind my socked microphone, and I can't do it. Sockid.

Sockid. Far more important is art, literature and craft. And that's what drew me to it. I'd done cosplay for a number of years when I decided I wanted to be part of this community. And I was one of those people who had an, ooh, furies kind of attitude before getting to know one in person. What's unique about being a furry is the creativity. My two characters, fersoners, are completely unique to me in that I've designed them myself, choosing colors, markings and species, given them names and personalities.

Some people go further and create whole backstories for their fosonis to give them more life. To me, fur-suting, there's a lot of terminology here, though we're learning as we're going. Fur-suiting is very much like cosplay. In that, I get to dress as

and become that character. Only this is my character that no one else has. It's a bit like lapping. Yeah. In a way. Is there a pun there? Barking.

Yeah. It's a bit like barking. It's a bit like barking. Yeah. That works. To me, first-soting is very much like cosplay and that I get to dress as and become that character, only this is my own character that no one else has. In many ways, I prefer fur suiting to cosplay, as I just

need to put the fur suit on rather than concerning myself with complicated costumes, wigs, and makeup. The majority of the furry fandom doesn't have fur suits and it's certainly not a necessity. Some people have ears and a tail, but some people choose not to have anything. Suits can range anywhere from £300 for just the head to £2,000 for the whole suit. There are fur suit makers who have gathered a lot of interest and popularity and so they tend to charge a lot more for their work. The most expensive suit I'm aware of cost $17.5,000. Goodness me.

Something else that people have is butt plugs with tails on. I was going to say, yeah. I was going to make a joke that I owned one, but I didn't want people to misconstrue that as a reality. Yeah, that could be. You're going to get sent one now. And that's okay. That is okay.

It's okay. Sorry, I just had to take a pause there and sort of run it through the miller. A pause. Why the big pause? The miller are a pause. Yeah, the miller are, shut up. I personally, I personally, own two suits of my characters.

Rui, a red panda with blue and purple colouring, which is a partial fur suit, meaning it's in separate pieces consisting of the head, arms, paws, tail and feet, and vapour wave. A hybrid of a number of animals based on the vapor wave aesthetic, which I have as a full suit.

I also have padding in this suit to make the legs look more like animal legs. And now, the interesting part. People who do use their suit for sex tend to have an identical... Michael was having a drink there. The bubble popped in his throat. I didn't expect it to be...

Sex. Silly feet? People who do use their suit for sex tend to have an identical one made just for that purpose. Oh my God. The dirty suit. Called Mur suits. M-U-D-R suits. Okay. Generally without the padding. And as Michael mentioned on the post some tap video, holes for access. Wow. So yeah, I'm an expert. He does have a butt plug. The reason this, and he does, he does, the reason this doesn't appeal to me is for a number of reasons, but mostly because the suits cost a lot to buy, and most importantly, they're incredibly hot and often uncomfortable to wear. Most suitors wear a base layer to help wick sweat. Some fur suit heads have fans in them, and you can get cooled down vests, which hold gel inserts,

but it's still incredibly hot under all that fur fabric and foam. I personally don't want to get heat stroke. I have to say, if someone said you absolutely have to go and have some furry sex now, do we have a terminology for that? I have to put on a mur suit and have some fur sex I would at least want to not have... Firked up.

Firked up. I would at the very least want to not have to wear a big, like, mascot, giant head. I feel like you would just sort of take off layers as you go because this is uncomfortable. Okay, and now we're just having sex. Yeah, I mean, if I really had to, I would only want to wear something from the neck down.

I mean, the idea of trying to have sex. Like a butt plug. Yeah, like the butt plug. Which we all the fur. Which we all. I would wear my butt plug and my furry suit, but I would not want a giant... In fact, you're using the fur from your butt plug as a pop shield right now, Peter. I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big time. That's it. That's my sock.

You could have taken it out, but that's fine. It's a long tail. It reaches. Yeah, keep it warm. For... For me. Right, okay. Yeah, the idea of trying to have sex with a giant head-on is just... How many sex with a massive hard on? A giant hard on sounds logistically difficult. It does.

With a fan going in your face. Exactly. Like, giving head with the head on. Like, that's not going to really work, is it? Well, no. Because all I'm picturing is it's sort of looking a bit like a really strange sex doll, just with like a massive open gaping hole in the face for access. Do you think that anyone ever dresses as the kooky monster?

Not the Kooky Monster, the Honey Monster. Definitely. He's a sexy, sexy boy. And he's up to the point now where Sugar Puffs have been named after him. No, yeah. It's true. You can't say the word puff. No, that's the reason.

Is that why? No, we covered this before. You said that last time. Do you not remember? I don't remember. Yeah, it's the sugar stuff. Thanks, European Union. Boo.

Why don't we get... I want to go back to the 90s where kids were fat. Yeah. And we were allowed to sell rice poofs and sugar queers. God. I'm being facetious. Frosted gays. Community is a big part of the furry fash.

We're not having that in. We're cutting that out. I'm just gonna clap. We're not having that in. We cannot use that word. We can't put the word is a slur. We'll bleep it.

It is a slur. But I'm saying it's ironic. Frosted in the fias. That's a way better. That's a way better. Jesus. It's not his own joke there. It was good, though.

What are we going to do? Now I'm confused about which parts we cut out and which parts we leave in. You have to bleep. B-I- and f-h-h-h-h-h-ha-ed. Yeah. Basically, we say a lot of really horrible things that we know aren't going to get in, but we say it because we know they're not going to get in.

It's not because we genuinely believe in what we're saying. Oh, I genuinely feel fucking... I mean, I would like to say it, though, kind of. It's fine. Yeah. It's all right. You've got to cut your badge. You're a card-carrying member.

Yes, okay. Anyway, what will be saying? Community is a big part of the furry And we're back in the room Community is a big part of the furry Whether that be online or in person And one of the highlights for me Is going to the monthly fur meet

Held locally These happen in most major cities It gives us a chance to catch up with friends Some people play games Poker and Magic the Gathering Are popular at my local meet And some wear their fur suits Okay

Depending on the weather We do a fur suit walk around the town Which lets a show off our suit Don't laugh Which lets a show of our suit And entertain people It was Michael Entertainment people, in particular, children love them.

As to them, we're big fluffy animals running around. There are furry conventions like Comic-Con, but specifically for furries. They run every year, which give us all a chance to meet up, suit up and have fun. There are a number of panels... Where is my... Woman? Where is my fur suit? Where is my fur suit? There are a number of panels and events run during the convention, such as fur suit dancing and... Dill-da-da-l-l-l-l-l-l-lip-thurry Olympics.

Oh, wow. And a big part of the whole thing. thing as charity. This year, confuzzled, largest furry con in the UK, raised over 26,000 pounds for this year's chosen charity, the Vale Wildlife Hospital. Oh, well, that's great. Just want to jump in and say, imagine a fairy disco, everyone in fur suits, in a warm room, just sweating the tins off. You'd need a lot of talcum powder, wouldn't you? Make sure there's no fans in that room, though, otherwise everyone could asphyxiate. A talcum powder in America is carcinogenic.

Fuck, yeah. Oh, God, everyone would just die. It's a recipe for death. I think it's a shame that the furry community isn't better known for things such as charity work, but thankfully our fandom is gaining a better reputation in media coverage tends to be far less biased than it was. Thank you very much for that lovely explanation, very thorough as well, from Jenny. Thank you, Jenny. Yeah, so there we go. I think we all learned a lot there, not only at the regular side of the furry community,

but the sexy side as well. It's interesting. And the charity side. Yeah, and the charity side. There's nothing wrong with fairies. Because I just don't, you know, it's not reported very much, and it is often trivialized and sort of mocked. And so it's difficult to get a...

It's like fucking carpet. It is, it's literally, it's ignorance, that's the problem. I'm cooking a carpet. I forgot about that. It's admittedly, like, I did spend a lot on time online with furries as a kid. Oh. It just happened to be the main website went and was a furry-based website. That's when you were sent your first butt plug.

Yep, and my God, I haven't left it since. You haven't left you since. That's why you're so gassy. You literally got a cork in you. It corks up and then eventually the pressure builds up and it just... Michael Johnson, full of shit. Yeah, I've always been surrounded by furry, so it's never been that weird. to me because I grew up around it.

I saw a... So I think it's pretty funny, really. A few furies walking around in Newcastle once. Maybe they were doing the monthly fur meet. Yeah, for a fur walk. There's one in every major city. You just put fur at the start and that's fine. So we're going to move on to another fur question now.

Okay. Are you ready? Oh, there's more? No, it just means you put fur at the start of every word. Yeah, fur at the start. Yeah, you remember, hello. If you could, if you, this is from Mamma Artinan, underscore Mumma Artinna with two M's and two ends.

Right. If you could invent something, e.g. religion, food, item, et cetera. What? Yeah. What would it be? And why? Very vague. But my mind, my fat-ass mind immediately went to, like, a machine that just, not like, shittily 3D prints food, like we've sort of got at the moment.

Like, one of those special Star Trek machines, anything you want, you press it, it just phases in. And it tastes bang on, but it gives you all. the nutrients of broccoli. Wow. And like other other vegetables. Yeah, you could just eat all the fried chicken you want. That would be nice to be fair. And it's got no actual meat in it so anyone can have anything they want.

It's all just made out of fucking protein and mushrooms. And it just tastes amazing. It's good for you. And you can just eat whatever you want whenever you want. Fair. God, that would just type in anything, even invent something new. It can just materialize anything in it. Like a shploklangen.

Oh, it looks awful actually. But it tastes amazing. It's flogging. I really just teleportation is the biggest thing for me. Just being able to go anywhere would be like to invent a little device that can just boop and put in some coordinates, like put a pin on Google Maps and just go there. That'd be so nice.

Yeah. Like the amount of times has been like, I want to do this thing. Oh, but it's far away. Oh, the money involved. Yeah, I've had that recently a few times. Even little things. Just like, oh, I wish I could teleport an item to me

or teleport it to someone else just to save money on postage or just to get something somewhere else within an instant. Yeah. It's just, it'd be nice. to be able to transport matter. We're all matter based so far on like transporting and generating new materials. I would invent a thing that kind of cheats the system really

and can do all of your things and everything else in that I would invent the hypothetical kind of flotation tank virtual life thing that is in bits of like kind of science fiction and stuff where you just lie down in this big tank like in the Simpsons and they plug like things into your brain or they, like, put chemicals into the tank and you then just live a wonderful life of your own creation inside your own head for the rest of time.

I think that's a bit scary. It's a bit scary. I mean, I wouldn't want the entire, like, the whole of Earth's population to go into one because then we'd all just be left. It'd be the matrix. Yeah, it would be the matrix. They plugged us into a really shitty simulation

where everyone still has a bad time. Why don't just make it a good one? But, no, I wouldn't you make it a good one invading alien species? Yeah. No, I would just have a thing where I go into a tank. Maybe I'm like a rich enough guy that I can just pay a team of people to just look after it for me the whole time. So you're just shitting in the tank of this guy with a little net catching as it comes to the surface. Yeah, getting all the little poops out and...

Nice. Yeah, occasionally putting a fresh butt plug in, you know. Just plug you back up. Just plugging you back in. Yeah. So you want to be a goldfish? I kind of want to be a goldfish, but a goldfish that has a probe inside its brain so that it's a experiencing life in just like the most awesome way possible and there we go yeah yeah really neat

fart should i go out the room to do uh would you mind yeah take your microphone to do a thing next have you got something i'll do anything outside then i'll bring my other thing indoors okay all right it's very considerate of you to leave the room it's gonna have a cheeky cough there still got a cold at the time of recording yeah it's fun poor guy how are you doing peter you're right i'm doing all right i was coming out gives a minute okay it's fine he's just he's just doing a fun I'm listening. I don't think we're going to hear it. I think it might be a shit.

I think it might be a shit. For God's sake. Okay. That's fine. Now I can wait 10 minutes. Michael Johnson. Hello. Your thing.

What have you got for us? Make it quick. Don't shit. If you were a serial killer, you can decide how roughly how many people do you kill? Right. If we were, yeah. If you were a serial killer.

Like, I think, what would be your mode of operation as a serial killer? What would be your origin? What would be your main way of killing people and what would be your end, do you think? Let's think, you know, Jeffrey Dahmer, he was all about ownership of people, sex slaves. His end goal was to have the ultimate sex slave. The Jack the Ripper, he decapitate his victims.

That would be, he always knew his Jack the Ripper because he would literally disembowl. That's the way I was thinking for. Take out the organs. What would you do? If you were to just fuck up the earth, what do you do? I can't lie to you, Michael Johnson. I have never given this any thought

in my entire life until this moment. Really? No. You can't even think of like a funny little, it would be funny to kill people like this. No, no, not really. No, no, sometimes I think, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be sad if that person died,

but at no point of I thought, I would like to kill this person and this is how. So you'd never planned, if I was going to, how did you kill someone? I mean, everyone's done a murder, but I've never planned them. Oh, right, just sort of happens, yeah. You get caught in the moment, don't you?

That's what happens. I would, if I'm going to be facetious and not take this too seriously, I'd maybe adopt a Dennis Reynolds situation from it's always sudden in Philadelphia where he just gets progressively more and more insane and maybe just take people onto boats because of the implication

and just sort of deal with them. Yeah. And what are they going to do, say no, because of the implication. Oh God, you're going pretty weird with it. I just have a fun boat where people go onto the boat and then they don't come back. Wow.

because of the implication I've thought of a name for my serial killer persona Oh my goodness What the press would talk about Yeah In the headlines He strikes again

The New Castle Hassler Oh the New Castle The New Hassler Yeah So you got just so I think Like the hamburger The Hamburgerer The Newcastler

But like hassling Doesn't sound like death does it It just sounds like Well I'm just prodding people on a kid Yeah you're just really frustrated Just asking them if you've got time to talk about Jehovah. Oh God, yeah, the hassler.

Oh, maybe that's a good one actually, yeah. So I go to people's houses, hassle them for a bit, and then invite me in, I'd kill them. Yeah, that would be, that would be a good way. What's the original plan, though? What were you going to say? I didn't really have one.

I just had the name. I hoped, yeah, Newcastle Hustler. Maybe I'd just, like, kill people who are like, really useful. It's like, oh, it's such a hassle. That's such a hassle. God, we lost Jeremy. All of the electricians in the area have died.

Fuck, what a hassle. Because the Newcastle Hasler got them. Oh, it's all right. we can go do the electrician course at the college. Oh, fuck, they killed the lectures as well. God, that does sound for it. So you would kill, but that would be awful, but it would be to inconvenience the general population.

The general population. So, like, unimportant people like artists and stuff. Yeah, really unimportant. Just YouTubers, they'd all be fine. But just important people, you know, people who have worth. Who provide services to the community. Exactly, yeah. They'd be the first to go.

It's a bit more than a hassle if you're having a heart attack. Yeah, we have to aim low here. Yeah, there's a middle ground. No, I think that's a big hassle. You need stamps. Everyone who sells, you attack and kill everyone who's delivering stamps to corner shops. And then there's no stamps. That's such a hassle.

Or people who like, maybe you kill most but not all of like the double glazing salesman or something. It's like, oh. My friend used to be a double glazing salesman. How did he? What happened? Did you kill him? I need double glazing, but there's only like three of them alive in the country. and it's such a hassle to try and get hold of one of them.

What about you go after the people who maintain and fix lifts so that in a building of several hundreds of people who work in a building, especially if you work on, I don't know, the top floor, maybe one of the lifts never worked, and that's such a hassle. That sounds a bit familiar, doesn't it? It does sound familiar. Have you already struck? In your towers.

Shit, it is real. I see, I've phrased this all as like a little july. joke, a little funny game. I'm actually a murderer. You are a real murder. Mine is, in a way, now that you've expanded on the Hassler, my idea that I had was similar

in that I would commit like a long string of like serial killings, but in a completely different way every time just to really confuse the police. So rather than have an M.O., like, oh, he always takes like the left nipple of the man that he kills.

There's always a little footprints next day. Exactly. I would like, you know, sometimes I'd be wearing stilettos, sometimes I'd be wearing, like, one walking boot, and I'd be hopping everywhere. Sometimes I would, like, dress up the body as Mr. Blobby. When I say sometimes, I mean, once each time, I would never do anything twice.

Sometimes I would, like, take the person's trousers, but, like, replace it with, like, loads of salami. That's really psychopathic that one, the salami met. After 20 years, imagine how creative you're getting with the deaths and the costumes. I suppose the problem is, if any, if they found a body that, like, someone had drawn clown makeup on it and put its legs over its head. It's like, oh, it's just the weirdo serial killer who does a different thing. I guess I'd have to do something really basic, like, you know, make one look like a mugging gone wrong,

make one look like an insurance deal. Sprinkle in the wacky ones, make them like a rare treat around Christmas time or something. Yeah, the odd wacky one, but mostly just like, you know, oh, this guy was involved in gangland drive-by shootings. And yeah, just see how long it took before the police actually. realized they were all tied together. Have you heard about the crowding cat killer before? No. Well, it's like it's things been going on for years.

There's been lots of like cats killed in around like London and stuff. Right. But obviously not by foxes and not like it's, but humans don't have basically like disemboweled the cats. Like cut them very cleanly. Wow. So it's been quite a lot of killings of cats. And I think the other week the police released a statement saying,

oh yeah, it's just a fox is doing it. Right. But when it's clearly, if you look at the evidence, like the way the cats have been killed. Are you looking at the evidence? Oh, I look at all the evidence. Almost like you had first-hand access to it. It's like you've got the clippings all stuck up on the wall in your basement. Yeah, I'm trying to build my first suit at a real cats.

Yeah. If, uh... The police released a statement saying it was a cat, which is obviously not true. Sorry, yeah, the cat killing other cats. No! But yeah, I think there's a man out there just killing cats. I was once, um, on a walk in the middle of the fucking moors somewhere in Yorkshire, of course. Yeah, well, and I was with my family, and we walked through this farm yard that we'd never been to.

And the place looked like completely abandoned. Did you bump into Ian? Ian who? Brady. Oh, God, no. No, absolutely not. We were walking through a farm that looked like completely deserted. All the paint was peeling off.

There was nothing, like no fresh hay or like tractors or anything. But there was a house on the yard. Oh, God. And someone had very recently stuck a piece of A4 paper to a post by the house. And it said, like, the person's name who lived there, I can't remember what it was, but it was like, Michael, please. stop poisoning cats. Oh my god. I'm leaving this here

so no one finds it but like you have to stop and there was a bag of loads of empty cat food tins and we were like God. Jesus what the fuck have we found here? Did you call the police? No we didn't but like that's bit horrible isn't it? So like not only

was there a guy there who was poisoning cats but someone else knew about it like had bagged up all the evidence and left a note saying look you have to stop killing all these cats. Because that shit is just the starting point for that stuff. A lot of serial killers start with animals. God. I was going to

offer something that's maybe slightly like not as horrified to sort of bring us back down to a normal level. Right. What if beloved once Batman Val Kilmer went on like a spree? Would he be called a serial Kilmer? Yeah, he would. If he kills mothers, he'd be

Kilmer, Kilmer, Kilmer. Kill ma, yeah. Kill mar. Serial Kilmer. Yeah. Okay, we all right with that? We are. Yeah. That was good. Michael, thank you for that wonderful thing. As always, my pleasure. We have one final question.

Mom spaghetti. Mom spaghetti. Pizza time. We have one final question. Let's see if we can get through it fast because it's kind of a bigger one. I have no idea that fucking steps or S Club 7 would... Yeah, that derailed entire podcast. ...escalate the way it did.

Yeah. This is from Ben Dane Smith. That's like three names and one. At Ben Dane Smith. What are your first five steps in the zombie apocalypse? Land or C? group or lone wolf run or hide i was thinking about this the other day actually because i was watching shone the dead and i've seen so many times kind of film like just put in the background not really

watch and think about it's thinking how what would i do i remember back home i always planned to go into my attic because i figured like i was like it's a you can't act like a zombie's not able to do that yeah it's sometimes tricky for even humans to get in there yeah bring up an extension cable some blankets and i guess i just plan to wait it out in there like take up some supplies like some enough food to last like a couple of weeks and see where it goes. But I think in my new apartment building in Bristol, I'd be quite safe just to live in my apartment block unless someone leaves a door

up and downstairs. Yeah, pretty much. I always think an apartment block, going around an apartment block during some kind of world-ending event would be quite scary. It's in trying to navigate your way through the main building, because God knows what's going on. Because there could be lots of other people in there, like some of them might be infected. It's a concentration of people, but it is very safe at the same time.

It's a weird double whammy of it could be safe, it could be a zombie next door. Yeah, I think safety and numbers to an extent, you need to stick together. I've always pictured of being alone myself. Really? Yeah. See, I'd quite like to, if I can, my first port of call, and I know it wouldn't really work,

is to try and communicate or get to loved ones. Yeah, of course. Because we're so very far away from all of our loved ones where we currently are. I didn't even consider that. Sorry, Claudia. Oh, no. So, yeah, that would be my main goal, but, you know, I've got a shitty little car. Yeah.

I never have a full tank of petrol. It struggles to go up hills sometimes Oh, this fucking Bristol traffic It wouldn't get anywhere I wouldn't be able to leave the city You wouldn't be able to get out of Bristol I mean there are a lot of people Who already act like they're zombies in Bristol

Yeah Drug enthusiasts Yeah, they're not addicts Big fans of drugs They're just big fans Yeah What about you Peter? What would you do?

Well again Like there is the logistical issue Of getting somewhere But you know Assuming well maybe if it broke out while I was back up north just go to the moors again rather than down here filming yeah that's literally what I would do

I mean that's what I was going to suggest and if if it happened when I'm not down here filming then I would just go like to the middle of nowhere and I know like I mean even my grandparents' house is like fairly out of the way so if I had enough

food I know they've got water that runs like off the hill into their house so it's not even like part of the plumbing system but it's drinkable Oh, that's dangerous, though, because there's something dies in that. True. Like an animal. True.

But, well, if you boil it, you should be fine. True, true. So there's water there. There should be, like, a fair bit of food. They used to have chickens. They don't have them anymore. But, you know, that could have been good, too. Because, like, when I think about zombie apocalypses,

I'm kind of assuming, at least for a couple of weeks, there'll be power. Because I don't know, like, in that event, would power stay on? Like, is that an autonomous thing that needs human intervention? Well, I don't know if power would. I have seen, on a documentary that the internet stays, up for a lot longer than you would expect when there's a problem, unless all the power goes out in the entire world. But like

if there's like bits of power around, the internet in general is built in a way that like... It's going to keep going. A lot of it carries on going. So WhatsApp would be all right. Yeah. Yeah. Get those secure end-to-end encrypted messages from back and forth. Yeah. So that the zombies don't know where you are. Exactly. You need to encrypt

the messages. Exactly. Oh, God, I really could talk for hours about this. Well, maybe we'll revisit it. I mean, there's going to be a potty. It's around October. I would like to do like a proper survival plan. I would ask one question though. Do any of you have access to a firearm?

I mean, you've got your AK that don't some people modify those into usable weapons? We should clarify, you have a replica AK47, which may or may not be able to be modified into a working rifle. Right. Sometimes people can do it, I wouldn't trust it though. But back home, my neighbour, like across the road used to own like three shotguns. Oh really? So, like, that was always my plan back there. Right.

But now in Bristol, I mean, it's probably going somewhere. Yeah. Somewhere. I don't have access to a firearm because... I don't think I do. Because that would be mental. I don't mean you personally. I mean, do you know, like, a close family or friend who has, like, a license to a firearm?

I do. But they're not near here. No. But I do have a toolbox. Oh, shit. Yeah, you've got a little hammer. So I should be all right. I should be all right to sort of swing my way around.

Yeah. Michael's got his fucking... He's got his right. gear, practically. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I could do anything. I just walk outside and it'll touch me. A little tall belt with all his tapes on.

Yeah. It'd do great. Well, there we go. I'm getting lost in the thought of zombies now. We'll maybe revisit that another time. Thank you very much. Everybody for all of your amazing questions. Once again, we are sponsored by turtle beach bit.

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Exactly. You can just do it that way. So again, that's patreon.com. 4.5 video. It's official. This is Rules Boss. For any advice on rules, standing by waiting ready to answer.

Yeah. Really rapidly and thoroughly. Yeah. At Billy Ray Botris for daily automated tweets from the little woolen boy himself. He's not really woolen, is he? No, he's furry. He's furry. He's very, actually.

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The email is the best place. We're taping a week to get you, but I will get you. Don't worry. Finally, leave us an iTunes review or a review slash rating on your platform of choice. Not that it's a competition, but we have a higher rating and far more reviews than the Kaltaholic podcast. I think that's really cool. So thank you very much, guys, for that. I mean, there's absolutely no beef whatsoever, but we always, you always compare yourself to other people.

and it's like, they're way bigger than us and I just thought that was really cool that you guys had come through for us like that. Thanks, guys. I know I said finally, but do you want to know what's coming up on the channel this week? Oh, fuck yeah.

I'd love to know. What is happening on the channel this week, Ben? Well, I'll tell you as I open the email. Thanks, Ben. Here I go. I really need a shit. Over to you, Ben. Get out.

Out, we're finishing this without you. Go, get out. What on the earth? Go, don't laugh. It makes it worse. Get out. go what the fuck

oh god go why do I get to escape the smell well we've got the show must go on but if you're going to be like that just go and have a poo

I cannot believe he did that go okay he's actually gone he's just looking through the window no so we're conducting the end of the podcast through muffled

tomorrow is post some tap then we've got piece of cake which is a special keep talking and nobody explodes episode well keep talking and Michael explodes

oh why are you back that was the best thought I've ever done do you feel better now fucking rocket ship are you gonna are you gonna carry on or are you done

I think I shit a bit there we've got keep talking and nobody explodes piece of cake which is gonna be frustrating keep talking and I'll try not to explode the worst games ever

featuring America's 10 most wanted oh that's a good Saturday Oh, it's up in the air currently Who knows what it could be There'll be something though At the time of recording

It could be a couple of things And finally it's Sunday Fundy and the return of I believe again At the time of recording Art Attack subject to change Yeah Da da da da da da

Right anybody got a question To send this off Oh, secret Secret question Let us know in the comments below Was that the best fart you've ever heard Well it might not picked up. I think Ben was talking.

It's fine. We're going to isolate my microphone. I hope so. Tell us your fart stories down below. I'll pump up the jam. I'll pump up the jam. Okay, you'll pump up the jam. Yeah, put hashtag secret fart in the comments to prove that you made it to the end and then tell us a brief fart story. Thank you. All right, we're good? Yeah. Thank you very much for listening, everybody. We love you. We'll see you next time on

Podius, but make sure you check the... I feel disgusted with myself. You should. Make sure you check the YouTube channel for daily, practically daily videos and lots of streams and things like that. Keep forgetting Twitch.tv.TV-fidious official. That's something I should add to our ever-expanding list of things that like. But you know that I can slot right in with the YouTube channel on Facebook and Twitter. So anyway, we'll see you next time. Bye!

Here comes that music. Bye. Happy birthday tomorrow, Michael. Bye. Thank you. She went to ruin it by farting. Thank you.