Podiots - Podiots: Episode 163 – You Can't Have Fun Anymore

Episode Date: September 30, 2025

In this episode, Mikey is getting political, Ben is Notting his last Onion, and Peter goes nuts! Donate £3 or more to get a shoutout and join the Pod Squad! - https://podiots.com/ Visit our shop! - https://vidiotsofficial.com/shop ------------------- Subscribe for more and TELL YOUR FRIENDS! YouTube: https://youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Podiots: https://vidiotsofficial.com Pod Squad: https://podiots.com Shop: https://vidiotsofficial.com/shop Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vidiots.official TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@vidiots.official Twitch: https://twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord: https://vidiotsofficial.com/discord/ Site: https://vidiotsofficial.com/ Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pickax. Did you lock the front door? Check. Close the garage door? Yep. Installed window sensors, smoke sensors, and HD cameras with night vision? No. And you set up credit card transaction alerts, a secure VPN for a private connection, and continuous monitoring for our personal info on the dark web.

Uh, I'm looking into it. Stress less about security. Choose security solutions from Tell Us for peace of mind at home. and online. Visit tellus.com slash total security to learn more. Conditions apply. Bird Trapped in Place News. Okay. It was actually sent to us as a submission, a thing submission by Dan Locky, but the story is basically just bird was trapped for a bit,

and that would have been it. But according to BBC News, trapped bird of prey discovered in waste skip, and then there's a very good image attached of a bird that looks really shocked that it's been trapped in a waste skip. Oh, wow. I'm not sure if that's the actual bird But a bird of praise Being cared for by a wildlife charity

After it was trapped inside a food waste skip That had travelled more than 40 miles It was a red kite And then there's a little quote down below Like an animal charity rescued it And it says George Bethel from the charity told BBC Radio Somerset It's obviously flown in there

Thinking it's got some food And ended up with a net over the top Luckily it didn't have any breakages no muscle damage or anything like that just a bit stinky which felt quite it felt quite poddiots to me stinky bird

stinky bird stupid stinky bird idiot stinky bird gets stuck in bin at the point in laughing it it's never going to live that down when it gets back out you got called stinky on BBC News

BBC News called you stinky there's no coming back from that yeah that's good so I feel like there's been a drought of bird stuck in shops recently so that's a good little soft welcome back thanks for the update dan locky on twitter um oh god amazing speaking of stinky oh yeah go on can you guys smell can you

smell kevin oh it's not kevin's stinkometer's gone off again is it yeah it might be i'm getting i'm getting essence of kevin around here somewhere well his turn was it to to change him time because I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure I did it most recently. We agreed I never would have to do it. I opposed, I protested quite vehemently. I'm not going anyway. That's stinky boy. Okay, I guess it's my turn. Yeah, god damn right it is. Okay. Kevin. Hello everybody and welcome to Poddy. It's the official. Vidiates, podcast, it's a conversational podcast where we take some questions from you at home

and obey the law of the three us, where everybody brings, earthing, a long, to talk about. I'm Ben, I'm Peter, and I'm Michael. Hello. Hello, everyone. Hello. How are you guys doing today? Are you well? Fantastic. Yeah, well, good. Slightly disgruntled, I think, is the way to put it. Oh. I chose to work from home today, so I could take it. take the cats in for their vaccinations. And instead, I spent three hours trying to find the cats and get the cats in the house so they could go to the vets. I had to cancel the first appointment at 11am because the cats just didn't bother coming

home, wouldn't come home for food. I was like, all right, 2 p.m. in the afternoon, that's free. Yeah, I should be able to get the cats by then. I'm actually get one of the cats, one of two. So I quite sheepishly went back to the vets. Like, I got one of the cats. The other one wouldn't come home. And, yeah, well, I was hoping we've,

have an answer to why one the cats has stinky breath. The vet just said, he's probably just a bit smelly. There's nothing of concern here. It's great. It's like a red tight. Yeah, terrible. It was just shame him, call him stinky all the time around the house. Yes, fine.

How are you both doing? Yeah, all right. Pretty good. Yeah, doing all right. I bought some special tea bags today. Was that what the kid's calling it now? Bloody, yeah. Yeah.

I quite often drink peppermint tea because it can be good for your digestive system, and mine isn't great. But I saw some special tea today next to the peppermint that has, like, other stuff in it as well that's supposedly good for you. And it was called Happy Tummy, which made me feel either 80 or three. I don't know which, but I've just drunk a nice mug of Happy Tummy tea. And it's my tummy's feeling happy. So, yeah, can't complain. Excellent.

Well, that is good. Was it affordably priced? Yeah, it was actually. Yeah, it wasn't sort of special crank food where they double the price just because, you know, you've got issues. Not that you can put a price on a happy tummy, of course. No, yeah. It was reasonable, so that's good. How are you, Ben?

Glad to hear it. Yes, I'm doing okay, thank you. I had a bit of a, I was awoken with a start the other night. Oh, yeah. We've recently invested, and I use that word. very carefully, very specifically, I've chosen that word, in a big dinosaur print to hang above our bed. Right.

On the ceiling or like? No, no, just on the wall above our bed. And we went to, where was it? It was like, was it home bargains? No, the range, one of those. We went to the range and we looked around all their homeware section, which is really fun to do. If you got a free afternoon, you should go and do that.

It's great fun. And they had this massive art print of two T-Rexes, I want to say, sort of roaring at each other. And it was like sort of a box-framed thing as well. So it's not a poster. This is a premium stuff. This is really classy. And it's got glitter on it. Really classy.

Oh, yes. So it sort of sparkles as well. Like, well, we've got to have that. How much is that? They didn't have a price on it. And we both agreed, what's the limit? You agreed to go to the checkout and say, oh, no price, it must be free.

It must be free. And then we were removed and we were never allowed to go in the range ever again. We agreed that 20 pounds. That's probably the limit, right? That's a lot for something we don't need. Yeah. I found a person and I asked them how much it was. 2799.

Did you have to turn and say, sorry, the dinosaur prince too expensive for us, put it back? We can't have the dinosaur print. I'm sorry. It's not going to work out. We looked at each other and went, show it, and we did. We decided, yes, the dinosaur print will come home with us. So then we put it up on the wall with those adhesive strips. And for three days and three nights, Jesus not only roamed the desert, but the dinosaur print hung above our bed proudly. Every time I walked into the bedroom, I thought, wow, two grown-ups live here. And then on Friday night, or actually it was Saturday night, it doesn't matter, Saturday night, I was in bed and I was asleep. And then at sort of 4 a.m., there was this loud sort of noise, and I wasn't really sure what it was.

It sounded like the TV remotes that I keep on the headboard had just been scattered. And I'd assumed it was Pippa because she's a menace. And in my sleepy state, I went, Pipper, no. And my fiancé said, no, it's not Pippa. Pippa's here. And I was like, oh, yeah, she is. I was actively stroking her at the time. So I said, well, what the fuck was that noise then? Thought nothing of it went back to sleep.

And then maybe half an hour later, the entire dinosaur print just fell face down on top of both of us. So had it dropped onto your headboard and was sitting on your headboard for a while? One side, I believe one side had dropped down. So it was on the wonk. And it had sent the controllers flying. Yeah. I was sleepy. Didn't think any more of it.

And then the full ass dinosaur print fell on top of us while we were sleeping. Oh, God. It was the best £30 I've ever spent. It was exactly what I needed at 5 a.m. It was really, really good. This has happened twice in my house in the past couple of months. Stuff that has been up for like a year. I don't know if it's to do with like the changing season.

Maybe the air is getting colder or wetter or something like that. But we've been downstairs and we've just heard almighty crashes upstairs as things have fallen. One was in the bathroom so it was onto a hard floor. I think it hit the toilet on the way down. We've got a little picture up there. And one in the bedroom as well hit like a stool on its way to the floor. So it's clearly some kind of pandemic happening right now with adhesive strips falling off. I love adhesive strips, but I also hate them in that I have had several adhesive strips

actively take plaster off the wall. And also, yeah, half the time they fucking fall down, which is that's your only job, my man, is to hold things to the wall. And I don't want to put holes in my wall. put, you know, massive nails in or screws up or whatever or brackets. But that's seemingly what I'm going to have to start doing for certain things. That's what I did with the two that fell down. Did you?

You just went, for God's sake, you took a hammer to it. Three in the morning. Oh, God, I'm sick of this. So, lesson learned is if I was faced with buying this dinosaur print again, of course, I would. But I'd buy two, quite frankly, because there shouldn't be a room in my house that doesn't have dinosaur print in it. But also more adhesive strips. I'm just going to basically coat the entire back of it with adhesive strips. So it has no excuses at all. And I'll let you know if it falls down on me again. So the print is reusable. It's not damage beyond repair or is it totally? Oh no, it's

fine. The print is unharmed. It was just scared the shit out of us. Yeah. I was going to say, yeah, buy if it was broken, you buy two more. One, you have on the wall, another is a backup for a quick swap in when it again inevitably falls off your wall. One goes in the loft just in case. It's our rainy day dinosaurs. It's like... A gigantic smash glass in case of emergency, which is also affixed

the wall with adhesive strips. It's like the spare ravens they have at the Tower of London. Ben and his partner must never ever go to sleep without at least one dinosaur print up on the wall. So if it falls down, we have to find one right now. We do.

We absolutely do. So anyway, that's what's been going in my life. Very exciting, as you can tell. But yeah, apart from that, all good. I tell you what, though, boys, if people wanted to prevent that situation where I didn't have a dinosaur print on hand, or in fact, to ensure that you two also had dinosaur prints on hand, they'd need to go to pottyets.com to support the show. And if they went there and donated £3 or more, they would join Pod Squad and get a shout

out at the beginning and the end of the very next episode of Poddiots, Mikey Johnson. Would you like to kick us off for September's Pod Squad, please? We begin with Stephen Skodes, Prince Beefcakes, D.B.P. Does my wife for stuff. Oh, boy. Caroline. Rain drop joy. And, oh, baby, a double. It's Stephen Scourdes again. Thank you very much. Very generous. Double Scodes. Look he was. Caroline, we are out of Bisto, Pod Squads, Squat Nobs, and Anonymous, and then another final Anonymous. There you go, thank you.

And then another final Anonymous, we then have Lord Selloutovich, Bunt Chugley, Caroline, the VPN isn't working, twed and tuna co-lab when, Donak-07, Liminate, or spoon, point at me Pirate me Pyreneum for autumn Bobby and Bobby's Mama Bloomie. Brilliant. So that rhymes with Bobby Babaloo. Yeah, it does perfectly. Excellent.

Finally, we have googly-mugally, Caroline Benson Phillips. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Remarried. A warm mouth has No gender. I don't know how to feel about that one.

Nob Spider-Man. Zeal is stored in Dragon Balls. Again, a reference that I definitely understand. Another final anonymous. Wow. Oscar X-ray and, oh boy. Scummy comies in my tummy. Oh, God.

I'm so sorry about that one. And also, apologies to googly-moogily, who actually was very generous. But I have a message. No, I have neglected my duty, which is to gather the, gather the pod squatters. So bear with me one second. That's okay. I'm going to fix this. I'm going to fix this.

Do you have a favourite, Mikey? I'm trying to fixing this. I was a big fan of Nob Spider-Man. Knob Spider-Man's good, simple, effective. Caroline, the VPN isn't working. I just, yeah, good. But, what is it? Bobby's Mammy bloomy.

That's kind of genius. It's poetic almost. It flows so magically. I quite like Bunt Chugley. I don't know why. It's a bit disturbing, but... Like a man who owns a pub and owns a lot of land in a southern village. I think they...

Bunt Shugley. Lord Chugley. That's it, yeah. I think Bunt Chugley drinks at the Star Wars canteener, don't they? Bunch Shogley. Yes. Yeah, he's the one of the corduroy-faced Puman. Yeah, yeah.

Something like that. Okay. Googly-Mugly. I'm so sorry. Thank you very much for your very generous donation. They said, I've been a loyal listener for years now, and it's hard to reckon with the looming finale. It's odd, because where I come from, Pottietz is on episode 387, but there are more than a few differences here after all. Episode 350 was so controversial, that Pallet, and then it cuts off. Oh, God. So Googly-Mugly is from a different dimension?

Yeah, seemingly. That's what we're gathering from that. From the Googly-Mugly dimension, ISU. Exactly. That's how it works. Everyone is named after the dimension they come from, surely. That's exactly it. Yeah.

Wonderful. Thank you so much, googly-mooly. And all of you wonderful PodSquodders, poddiots.com, three pounds or more to get a shout out at the beginning. And the end of the next episode of Pod Squad. Just two more episodes to go. To be clear, we are still working on the live show. Stuff, it's very much on the cards.

And... Also, it's three more episodes. but oh god yeah I keep forgetting it's not October because we're recording this right at the end of the month

yeah we are three more episodes sorry didn't mean to scare you all yeah everyone's like oh I thought it was three what you're ending in November the live show will hopefully be

our final episode and speaking of which we need your help we are interested in gathering your favourite moments from across pod squad I don't know what happened there from across

poddi it's his history So if you have a favorite moment, and ideally if you could provide an episode or a timestamp, that would be massively helpful. You can send it to us on social media. You can also email us, vidiates official at gmail.com with your favorite moments, with significant moments you think would make for a good inclusion in the final episode. I want to double down on, it really would be very helpful if you could give us an episode number and time stamp. Not just it would be nice. I mean, like, it really would be very, very nice. Please, please do.

Please do that. If you can, please do that. And yeah, so that's what we're hoping to do. It's one of the things for the final episode is a lovely montage. So if you have any ideas of moments that are significant to you, let us know what they are. And we will do our very best to include them in some fashion. Peter Austin, I believe you are in charge of things this month. That's me.

I'm in charge of things. and I would like you, Ben Potter, to go first with your listener-submitted thing. Oh, I can do. This listener-submitted thing comes courtesy of, bah-bah-bah, ad-e, sorry, just ad-y, at 2 ad-e underscore P on Twitter and Jarath Button at Cap Tane Mohawk on Blue Sky. And this headline reads, in fact, you know what? This is from The Guardian, and they kind of ruin the...

the sort of the surprise. So I'm going to doctor their headline slightly. Doorbell prankster that tormented residents of German apartments turns out to be dot, dot, dot, huh? Huh? And then it's in the subtitle. It says people suspected teenagers playing ding-dong ditch and called police who found, huh? Sorry.

Okay. Don't worry. You don't have to wait long. Nicky-knocky nine doors, right? Yeah. Oh, my God. Not this again. Ridiculous name for it.

We get to find out the German name for it, though, which is pretty fun. So, inhabitants of an apartment block in Bavaria, southern Germany, who called police to investigate the relentless buzzing of their doorbells late at night, was surprised to find the culprit was not a teenage prankster, as they had suspected, but a slug. A slug. Oh, whew. How big is this slug?

The slug. They've been sliding up and down the bell plate, creating havoc in the building, and tearing angry residents out of their beds long after midnight when they could not sleep for the noise. Ew. Yeah. At first, they had suspected the so-called

Klingel-streech. Striech? How do you pronounce that? Klingles? I will put it in the chat. Did you do a little jolly accent there? Klingle-stlingle-street? Klingle-street.

How would you say that? Strych. Klingle-Strike. Oh, strike. Yeah. Klingelstrike, which translates to bell prank. Right. A sometimes popular past I'm among German youths,

as if German youths are the only youths on the planet. Is that a big thing in Germany? Is that a big thing a bell's called a Klingle? That's quite cute. They do kind of sound like they go Klingle. What is it? They call a microwave in Welsh. Oh, Popty Ping.

Popty Ping. Yeah, yeah, that's it. It's lovely, isn't it? Popty ping. Ding Dong Ding. Which, knock a door run or knock down ginger, as it is variously referred to in English, or Nicky-knocky-9 doors, if you're fucking insane. Yeah.

Typically involves children or youths ringing on a doorbell, them running away before they are caught. Where I'm from, it was called knock-knock-run, I think. We were knock-a-door run, which you said. Knock-a-door run. But when the ringing continued, even after the arrival of two police officers, the slug did not. did not respect the rule of law. Like, hey, it's not illegal.

I can press a doorbell if I want to. Just doing slug stuff. Fascist. He's not able to be his slug. What is the charge? Ringing a door. Sorry, what was it? Klinglingling a strike.

Striking a Klingle. A Klingle. But when the ringing continued, even after the arrival of two police officers, despite the fact that, no one was at the door, and a motion detector had failed to activate. A closer look at the metal bell plate revealed the presence of the slug, or fuck me. Nacht schnecker.

That feels like I've pronounced that right. Nacht schnecker. Here we go. That means nights. Does that mean night snake? What's schnecker? No. Oh, no.

No, I can tell you. K with a, it's not, that's not he spelled knacht. Literally a naked snail. Oh. Nacked Schnecker. A naked snail. They have some weird animal names. They call raccoons.

You know how they wash their food sometimes? They call them Vash Bear, which just means wash bear. That's lovely. Yeah. You should check out their Pokemon names. It's disgusting, quite frankly. We'd gone to bed, but we don't tend to answer the door after 10pm. So when the bell rang, I tried to ignore it.

I thought it might be the kids from the abandoned house. over the road? Hang on. What? From the abandoned house? The kids live in it? So they're abandoned or it isn't. That's weird. Lisa, 30, a shop sales assistant, told the tabloid build. But then my sister-in-law, who lives upstairs, called, and asked whether our bell was ringing, as hers wouldn't stop. It kept ringing even as we telephoned, and despite the fact no one

could be seen at the door. We became really uneasy. That's when we decided to call the police. Together, residents and police discovered the slug, traversing the door entry panel. You could even see the slime trail it had made as it crawled over the sensors, Lisa said. In a statement, a police spokesperson in Schwabach, Bavaria, said the animal had been brought down to size, taught about its territory boundaries, and placed on a nearby stretch of grass. Okay. What does it mean by brought down to size? You're giving a stern telling off by the police?

Yeah, maybe told off. Yeah. Morning. Jesus. Don't do it again. Taught about its territory boundaries and placed on a nearby stretch of grass. That's where it concludes. But if your bell keeps ringing, it might be a slug.

Yeah, could be. I really wished it was cringled ring bell cam footage of the slug's face. Just slowly going across. So there we are. That's my listener submitted thing. Yeah. Okay. Good.

Well, that was fascinating. I must admit, I didn't expect it to be a slug when you were saying, it turns out to be, huh? The slug was at the bottom of my, of my, what's it called, identity parade, I think. I wasn't expecting that. Mikey, it's your turn for your own thing. Hello, and I'd be delighted to discuss some politics with you, boys. Stop leaving savings behind at the pump.

Get up to seven cents per leader in value. you fill up at Petro Canada. That's 3 cents per leader in instant savings plus 20% more points when you link an eligible RBC card to your Petro points. Find out more at RBC.com slash Petro-dash-Canada. Conditions apply. Oh, fun. I found a very, very good election that happened recently in America, and I would like to tell you the tale. It's only recently actually wrapped up. I think it was last week the winner was announced. This is hot, hot news. In Somerville, Massachusetts, a community bike path has in recent months become a hotly contested political constituency. A cat with a distinctive

black smudge on her nose, Barry had been cited on the path by a number of concerned neighbours who reported her missing. But she wasn't actually anywhere she shouldn't have been. Barry is an outdoor cat who lives in the area, so her family put up a poster dubbing her the bike path's mayor to let neighbours know not to worry. And suddenly locals started to ask. How can Barry gets to be mere? There wasn't a democratic vote to decide this. And it wasn't long before things got out of hand. I'm going to send, there's been a few TikToks of this,

but I'm going to show you this image of the signs that eventually lit up. So it started as a lighthearted joke just to let people know that. Don't worry, the cat's fine. He just hangs out here. That then tumbled into a. a race in which 90 contenders were vowing for the and made a position of mayor of the bike path the snake on one of the signs

it got a little bit yeah oh my god I even noticed that it got weird it got real weird and everyone had to go Mikey Mikey if this ends if this story ends with Barry being assassinated I'm going to be very upset with you there's drama I can say thankfully actually sorry yeah just forget you said that Um, let's forget I, just, just, just, there's tips and turns, stuff happens.

I'm not going to spoil anything, although I may have kind of, no one gets killed, no one gets killed. Okay, good. So yes, a heated race for election got underway with more and more hopefuls joining the way, joining along the way, until the 90 contenders for the spot of mayor. There have been dirty tactics. At one point, Barry's campaign sign was stolen. Scandal. Candidates were outraged when a local vet claimed to be sponsoring the race. Boo, come on, this is an election for the people. Don't let the corporate entities get involved. And even death, uh-oh.

Pirate, the family candidate, sorry, pirate, the candidate whose family took it upon themselves to set up the online ballot for the election died unexpectedly mid-race. Oh, no. Mysterious circumstances. Very mysterious circumstances. I think he's probably just a bit old.

I don't want to force conspiracies on the cats. but yes it was more than just cats there was a parrot named timber a guinea pig named miss potato a snake aptly named large snake good large snake large snake i can see it on the i can see it on the photo it says vote large which you know this was good it's nice to have a mix of people in the rally. As one, Somerville residents said, diversity in a campaign is probably good. I'm going to send up a little picture of some of the other entrance, the non-cat entrance. Decision 2025. It's all very silly. I'm going to send his, here's Barry's original sign. No, this is the one that got put in after his original sign was stolen. I could not find the original

sign. Make cats outside again, says the sign. Sorry, but have you seen the cat, the wizard cat? Yeah, in the background, Bippity Bippity Bopperty, Somerville is my property. It says, it's a slogan. It's very silly. Excellent. And the one behind that says paid for by pause for progress. Yeah.

That's lovely. Yes, people had a lot of fun with this. So I'm going to give you a quick run through of some of the entrance. I would like to talk about all of them, but I'd be here all day. Yeah, there's loads. Barry, this is the one who spot everyone is fighting for Make cats outside again

reads Barry's sign campaigning for re-election The current mayor is a three-year-old Well, he was proclaimed mayor I guess they very quickly decided to have an election Just very quickly after he announced himself mayor Which is fair Yeah, a coup was staged

Yes, there we go The current mayor is a three-year-old Black and White Cat Who can be found on the bike path daily when I'm not visiting my humans, the liturice says. She has a dedicated team of humans around her, seven-year-old chief of staff, Amias, and five-year-old chief canvasser Emmeline,

as well as campaign manager Mallory, a 39-year-old scientist. Ooh. Her team claims she has improved community morale and should be elected, and if she's elected, will unite the community under cat supremacy, which is, I don't like that one.

I don't know about that. Yeah, I don't know about that. Yeah, let's go. I'm Barry. You're kind of losing me a bit there, Barry. That mustache is a bit suss as well. That's smudge. Yeah, it's all getting to start speaking, then things start getting a bit scary.

Oh, no. But don't worry, there's a challenger. And that challenger is, let me see if I've got a picture of them. There we go. Orange Cat. Oh, wow. This is a very orange cat. There's not now to name their animals.

There's large snakes and orange cat. It even says orange cat on the very. very well presented collar there. Oh, yeah. Which appears to be in the shape of a bone? Yeah. A bone collar around its neck that says orange cat. Very confusing.

That looks like a black and white photo of a cat that they've just upped. They've just made orange. Yeah, it does. It kind of looks like it isn't really an orange cat. They're just pretending that it is. I didn't even notice the name tag that actually said orange cat. I thought it was just like a funny joke, but the cat is actually called orange cat.

Orange Cat is a 7-year-old Ginger Tom whose owner, 42-year-old comedian Janet. Of course, it's a comedian that owns the cat called Orange Cat. The owner says he is pro-democracy and pro-free and fair elections and is also against rats. His solution to Somerville's rat problem is simple. He will simply eat them.

So go on, Orange Cat. He's going to clean up the streets. Fair enough. Fair enough. Barry became Somerville without an election, and I thought that was Bologna, said Orange Cat's owner, Janet McNamara. Orange Cat stands for fair and free elections. So I think Orange Cat was one of the first other signs to go up after Barry's original sign

went up. So this is an early entrant into the race and a trend set it, if you will. The real one here is the company in town that makes the signs. Sorry, Peter. Yeah, they made big books. Like all these people suddenly coming together. Suddenly everyone wants a sign. made they're like oh my god

no we've had no business for months I think that's a real conspiracy here what's the term of a mayor is it one year or four years because they're hoping like oh this time in four years we'll have another flurry when there's another election I bet what's the bet that this is all a conspiracy by

big sign yeah like they're the ones who have been sowing discontent among the locals like you should you know what you should put your cat up for the measure and maybe get a sign too I've I know this place that makes great sound. In the first picture, the second one in from the right is a cat on a blue sign that appears to be called

Lunchbox, which is another good name. That's lovely. Good good names all around. Once I've gone through some of the entrance, I'll send over a few of the random pictures of signs. There's some crackers. The fan favorite, Minerva. The simplest and most intriguing sign

to have appeared along the Bife. bike path features a one word slogan, crime. Crime or crime? Crime with a sea. Crime, wow. There is Minerva's sign. It is an entirely black sign with, in big white text, the word crime, and then just a picture of this angry looking black cap underneath it.

A lot of empty space there on that sign. Yeah, a lot of wasted space. I don't know. I think Minerva doesn't need to fill that space to make an impression, obviously. it doesn't even say whether Minerva is going to clean up crime or is going to induce crime. Is Minerva responsible for the

Yeah This provocative message Has one nine-year-old Minerva many supporters online Despite the fact that as an indoor cat She has never been seen on the bike path Come on How can you run something you don't even know

Well, it doesn't stop Michael Farage, doesn't it? What? Hey, right! Ah! Uh, her, fuck that guy. Fuck it, prick. The, uh, the campaign, uh, said, her minions monitor the path for her, say her owners.

So, um, yeah, apparently she can just sit on the sidelines and just, yeah, run from out there. Crime remains her sole policy. And, uh, there was one good interview that some local news stations started doing coverage on this. And, uh, one bystandard was interviewed and said, I want to know like, Minerva the cat. What is her take on crime? Is she for crime? Is she against it?

So yes, the people all have questions. Next up we've got the bike hater cartwheel, the cat. Oh, you can't have a bike hater running bike down. I think, well, and you get 90 people involved. You're always going to get one funny. I mean, you get cats on canvassing that have never even set foot on the path. So I think anything could happen. Perhaps controversially for a cat who wishes to be in charge of a cycle lane,

six-year-old cartwheels campaign has decreed that like all things starting with B buses, basketballs, brooms, bikes are scary and there should be fewer of them on the bike path. Interesting campaign. The owner, 15-year-old Susan, says he is an advocate of safe outside time for all cats and where's a harness and lead to venture out? In fact, he runs a harness lending library for other local cats and can also do tricks such as using buttons

to demand things from his humans. Wow. What's this barter? Scary cat, quite frankly. I did not want to know anything more about cartwheel. Did I manage to find a picture of cartwheels? I didn't, sadly. I didn't.

But yes, amongst these cats, there's a few others that aren't cats, including, one of my favorites, Picocita, I believe, who is a tiny, tiny chihuahua. Amazingly, the tiny Chihuahua has extremely large ears I think their campaign slogan is, I'm all ears. Yes, this is tired of fat cat politicians, I'm all ears. Piccaceta will fight for bunnies, birds and all small neighbours who can't bark for themselves.

And yes, is there to fight for everyone, not just the cats. Another one, the one who is not a cat or a dog, is Nagy, who is a tortoise, I believe. And I quite like the story behind Nagy. His owner, 24-year-old Shea routinely travels along the bike path with Nagy in his pocket. Oh, in his pocket. That's lovely. It's cute, I guess. Nagy's policies, says Shea, are centred on waste management because he has accidentally nibbled on some trash before.

cute so yes there's some of some of the entrance I'm going to send over Zervan here's another example of a poster

Oh great photo yeah big big happy Zervan I like the slogan I like the slogan The slogan's good He definitely knows what money is and you can totally trust him with it

Vote Zervan Zepran isn't it Zevran Zepran Bike Path Comptroller And what's this last one? There's a few other little signs. Very cute.

So, the election was filled with ups and downs, drama, things happened all over the place. There was even reports that Mayor Berry was stuck up a tree. And after many hours of trying to get them down, the fire department was eventually called, and they were finally able to rescue him. And thanks to the wonders of modern technology, I was actually able to find the order

your recording from the scanners um of the firemen no way after the after they got the cat down if you want to play with me in yeah oh hello press play with me in three okay two one cat's been removed from the tree okay the cat has been removed from the tree we have it 1911 it sounds like spy code doesn't it the cat has been removed from the tree seven, we can confirm the cat has been removed from the truth. Fantastic. Thank God.

Where did you find that, Mikey? I think it's on the subreddit for the local town. Like, there was this, the new story posted. Everyone's like, oh my God, is it actually Barry? Is Barry stuck up a tree? It turned out, after many hours of rescue operations, it wasn't Barry.

It was just a similar looking cat. Ah. Bet it was Zevran. Zevran. Zepran. Damn, Zevran. Or maybe Minerva. Crime. Crime. Crime. Crime.

Crime. Crime. Crime. fittingly actually Minerva's sign was stolen oh my god and so was the QR code voting sign right before the last day of the election

terrible truly this is yeah this is horrible stuff this is a damning indictment of modern politics I think in a little bubble there is no evidence to suggest that a Russian cat was responsible but we cannot comment at this stage there were theories floating around

that it was a false flag operation to push Minerva's crime narratives or anything is possible. It's dirty politics, said one Somerville resident. The original race, we have photo evidence. It's all over Somerville discord, was Orange Cat versus Berry, who's the incumbent. I see Barry all the time. I see Orange Cat almost as much. And then other candidates started coming in, and then Barry's sign was stolen. So yeah, everyone else gets involved and things get messy. A couple of hours later, Barry's sign was reappeared with her promise to make cats outside again. So in the end, there was over 90 candidates for this election. Over 6,000 votes cast,

I believe, yes, that's three zeros. It was a close race, but the new mayor was crowned to a big like quite a lot of people went on the bike path to hear the results of this election. And it's quite a magical experience. A lot of the neighbours came with their cats in tow. So it was a chaos, as you can imagine. Would you like to know who the winner was? I would love to know. Please. Yes, please. Minerva Of course Crime

Of course Damn it The victory speech Was short and sweet Minerva's owner stood in front of a large crowd of people And relayed Minerva's

Victory message Crime That was it That was it Wow There's video of him getting up He just got up Said crime

And walked away Beautiful So incredible Bad down to your new Furry Overlord On the bike path Minerva. It doesn't even go on the bike path.

No. So Barry's acting me, I think. He'll still hang around and do a lot of the grunt work, but he just isn't getting the recognition he deserves. Oh, man. And there you go. That's a little summary of the Minerva. That's not the Minerva,

of the Somerville Bike Path Cat election. It's quite cute. I found out about this, like, five days before the election rule, like, actually, like, happened. So I was very closely watching to see what was going on. It was quite fun seeing a very very very very fun. seeing events kind of unfold in real time.

Brilliant. I can't believe it wasn't reported on BBC and stuff. Yeah, they didn't do like a live all-nighter with all the graphics and stuff. Terrible. Amazing. Wow, well, thank you very much, Mikey. Thanks, Mikey. Wonderful.

Well, that means it is now my turn to do a listener submitted thing. This was sent to us twice, once by Ian at Ian underscore Reynolds 95. on Twitter and also by, let me find it, by River on Discord. I'm going to read Rivers Link, which was the Daily Star. The headline is

Bruce Forsyth's Ghost is haunting theatre. The headline continues. Bruce Forsyth's Ghost is haunting theater yelling, nice to see you, to see you. For God. That really got me.

The fact that that is apparently what the ghost is shouting. The ghost of Bruce Forsyth is fox trotting its way down the ancient halls of the London Palladium with performers distracted by his infamous nice-to-see-you catchphrase. Oh my God. Ben, can you give us some context for our non-British listeners as to who Bruce Forsyth is? Admittedly, I only really know Bruce Forsyth from. strictly come dancing, but he's a legendary figure from within British television and entertainment has hosted numerous shows across the years, game shows, talent shows, that sort of stuff.

And he's just sort of a nice, a nice smiling granddad figure who is yet to be implicated as far as I am aware in any serious accusations, and I will leave it at that. Yeah, if he will, if that happens later, he took it to the grave with him, apparently. He made it. And he made it. He got over the life. So he's, sorry, he's, it's, it's, it's, it's, so Bruce Joseph Forsyth Johnson is his full name. He was an English entertainer and television presenter whose career spanned more than 75 years.

Yeah. I think that's a career, not just his age. He was working that long. He was 89 when he died. he started in the 1950s apparently he was very much based in the kind of the old school kind of music hall light

entertainment thing like he could tap dance he did comedy he could sing it was all that kind of you know he could do a million things which you don't get that nowadays do you don't get that anymore all singing yeah and his catchphrase he used to come out on stage and say

nice to see you to see you and then everyone would shout nice nice nice So, the spirit of TV icon Bruce Forsyth is reportedly haunting the London Palladium, with claims of his ghost echoing the famous catchphrase, Nice to See You to See You Nice. Which immediately, I'm seeing some red flags here because he doesn't say nice at the end. No, he doesn't.

If anything, the ghost should just be saying, nice to see you, to see you. But it's not. The beloved entertainers ashes were interred beneath the stage of the renowned theatre, following his passing in 2017. A paranormal expert now claims that she has heard his ghostly voice during a recent visit. Singer Brokard, who once claims to have, quote, married and then divorced a ghost, said she felt Brucey's presence during an interview with Penn Gillette and Piff the Magic Dragon. Oh my God, what a sentence.

Brokard revealed that during her conversation with the duo, she became aware of an unexpected third entity in the room. It wasn't a chilling vision that alerted her, but rather a familiar voice. Brokard recounted, I was trying to keep my composure amidst the chaos of two unruly magic dragons, but I kept getting distracted by the words,

Nice to See You. At first, I dismissed it. Then came the unmistakable second half, To See You Nice, followed by mischievous laughter. That's when I knew Sir Bruce Forsyth was in the room I felt like he was watching over the interview

At one point I even heard him mention a fire extinguisher which was hilarious considering all the fire puns flying around during the chat I thought she was going to say it was hilarious given that his cremated ashes were under the stage Oh God He definitely knew I was speaking with magic dragons

She says Despite So do these people, sorry, do these people just do it for attention or what? Because it's such, it's such bollocks, man. Do they just think I haven't, it's time to make a headline on the Daily Star? I'm going to talk some absolute bullshit. This interview is not going that well. I've had a wasted journey.

You know, I'm not getting a lot from Pend Gillette. I know what I'll do. I'll say that I can hear Brucey speaking to me at the same time. Insane. Insane. In fact, it almost feels like they're just, promoting whatever this show is that Penn, Gillette and Piff

the Magic Dragon are doing seemingly, because they keep mentioning it. Despite Brocard's claims, neither Penn nor Piff reported sensing anything out of the ordinary. The London Palladium is no stranger to tales of the supernatural though, and Sir Bruce Forsyth's dot dot dot, the spirit

is said to be a regular presence at the venue. Hang on, what is this sentence? The London Palladium is no stranger to tales of the supernatural comma, and Sir Bruce four siths and then there's just three dots and then it's a new sentence the spirit is said to be a regular presence at the venue okay amazing sure amazing stories of flickering uh stage lights and mysteriously relocated props are commonplace behind the scenes all credited to bruce's renowned

wit continuing from the afterlife brocard's latest single feed my soul featuring ray lucia from corn on drums i guess right so here it is then it's all just it's a publicity stunt for is out now with additional music arriving this Halloween. God's sake. Brocard initially uncovered her gift for perceiving spirits following a paranormal meeting with a Victorian soldier called Eduardo. Her supernatural journey even culminated in Halloween 2023 ceremony marrying a ghost at the eerily stunning asylum chapel in London.

We talked about that. Yeah, I think we did talk about someone marrying a ghost. Oh my God, she's back. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. She's doing the rounds of it. again. It works.

Yeah. Ever since, she's dedicated herself to investigating the planet's most haunted locations whilst conducting celebrity interviews for her platform, Brocard,

rock singer, ghost hunter and horror content creator, which doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it? That's all capitalised, as though that's the name of the brand. You said entertainers used to be multi-talented.

She's just bringing the Bruce Forsyth to the modern day. She's doing everything. The London Palladium Isn't the only place Bruce's spectre is popping up at. When Universal Studios UK opens in Bedfordshire, 2013, it will see the former strictly host two-stepping and hissing around on the opening night. Speaking to the Daily Star,

one mystery Bedford man assured us of Brucey's presence at Universal when it opens down the road from us in six years. He reckons the legendary performer's ghost will be making a cameo. Hang on, this is now they're forecasting ghosts in 2013. wait there's going to be a universal studios in the UK apparently um Bruce Forsyth's course going to be there it's the biggest attraction so is there a Bruce Forsyth's Forsyth exhibit because I don't feel like that has a huge amount of mainstream appeal I would Universal want that is this just code for is this man saying well when

universal opens they're obviously going to want a bit of publicity to uh to talk about the the venue so no one's going to be talking about Universal Studios let's probably just feed some story into The Daily Star about Brucey, just to let you know ahead of time. And that's just where the article ends. It says that one mystery Bedford man assures us that Bruce will be

at Universal as a ghost. What does that mean? What the fuck does that mean? I don't know. I can personally guarantee the ghost will be there in 2013. How bizarre. That's a threat. That's so threatening. Yeah.

Maybe they asked, whatever her name is, I've already forgotten. Brocard. Brocard. Yeah, brocard. And maybe she's said, she's had a word with Brucey and he's promised that he'll be there, maybe. I don't know. So there you go. Thank you to those who sent that to us.

Great, great to know that he's still working. He worked for 75 years and he's still having. Just let him rest. Yeah. No peace. No rest for the wicked. I know I will be in 2013 I'll be the opening day

of our University Studios Park just walking around going nice to see you thank you Peter thank you Ben would you like to give us your own thing now during the Volvo

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as we hurtled towards the end of the year, I believe this may be. And please try to hold back tears here. The final, not the onion, of on Podiat's. Oh. Oh, no. So to give those of you who may be unfamiliar, a brief overview, there is a satirical news website called The Onion,

where they post lots of fake news articles that sound like they could be real. Of course, since we started doing Podiat, real life has shifted towards the point where every news article feels like it could have been written for the onion because nothing feels real anymore. However, there are still some headlines that get submitted to a subreddit called Not the Onion, where it feels like

they could be Onion articles, but they're not. There's a lot of political stuff in there, as you might expect. But I've skimmed off some things that I think could be confused for the Onion. I've maybe got some Onion articles as well. I've got five articles in total. I'm going to read you the headlines, and you guys have to guess if they are real or if they're actually from satirical news website, The Onion. I have altered all of the headlines slightly, so it's not quite as obvious.

Yeah. Are you ready? Absolutely. So the first one is, man ticketed for driving Barbie Jeep to get a slurpy. Okay. Next one is, are my rocks two round for the world's stone skimps? gaming championships. Oh.

Oh. Mortician in legal trouble after inviting colleagues to laugh at corpse. Oh. Oh. Starbucks loses court battle to Indian rival. And emotional support alligators are no longer welcome in Walmart. Okay. Those are your headlines.

So we start with the first one. Man ticketed for driving Barbie Jeep to get a slurpy. slurpy what do you make of that um i will say uh in fact i think i don't want to spoil which ones i know so mike you should go first on all of them because i know two of these whether it's this one i won't say but if you go first i know i know none of them okay i just like i can totally believe a man or being like driving a bobby jeep like That's fine. That's normal.

Going to get a slurpe, he's fine. But why would he be ticketed for it? Is there a pun in there? Or maybe, is you not allowed to have fun anymore? I want to say, I'm not allowed to have fun anymore. I'm going to ticket you. You can't have a.

We're going to impound it and crush your car into a pink cube. Oh. I want to say that's an onion article because I want to, I hope there's some kind of weird wordplay going on behind the scenes there. I'm pretty sure that's a real story. A Prince George B.C. man from before Christ received a 90-day driving prohibition after he was spotted by police driving an unusual vehicle on a street on Friday morning. On September 5th, an officer was on patrol in the area of 15th Avenue and Nicholson Street at 9 a.m. When they spotted a man driving a pink toy car down the street.

While this may seem like something that should have flown under the radar, it was kind of out of the ordinary, as well as, as well as, on as well as this is a busy area during morning commute and put other drivers on the road at risk as well as well that particular driver himself jesus uh wow goodness me motorists aren't used to looking out for someone kind of at that level the toy car level so it was enough to start a traffic spot also here's a photo you're not allowed to have fun anymore you're not allowed to have fun anymore good photo though oh very good photo hell yeah there he is being arrested I think this may have been submitted as a thing from the audience, which is how I know. Oh, was it?

Oh, I see. Motorists aren't used to looking out for someone kind of at that level, comma, the toy car level. So that's the first headline. Next one is, are my rocks two round for the world stone skimming championships? Oh, man. As an occasional enjoy of stone skimming, I can totally see there being an official stone skimming. league with rules and regulations on the size and the roughness and like the design of your rock. I feel like they're going to impose very strict sanctions on what you can and can't

bring. I'm going to say this is real because you can't have fun anymore and bring your bumpy rocks. You can't have fun anymore. That's true. We polled people on Instagram for the first time for stories for this episode. Using our Instagram story, you could reply to us via DM. We'll do that for the next few episodes. And I think this was sent to was by Discord, this real story. It is real. This is from the BBC. Cheating scandal rocks

World Stone Skimming Championships. Whoa! The World Stone Skimming Championships have been rocked by a cheating scandal after several competitors were disqualified for tampering. More than 2,200 people from 27 countries attended this year's event on the tiny island of Eisdale off the West ghost of Scotland. Wow.

Rules state that stones must come from naturally occurring island slate. However, some were found to have been ground into a suspiciously circular shape to help them bounce on waters. Water? Water, singular. So, organiser Dr. Kyle Matthews told BBC News that the offenders had held their hands up and apologised. So, yeah, there was some suspiciously smooth stones.

Do you want to see some smooth stones in a bucket? Yeah. Please. this is actually like imagine you were an otter right and you found this bucket think how thrilled you would be to discover this bounty beautiful oh that's good that's nice isn't it does everyone bring their own bucket of stones oh my god would you have to find them there and then on the day but someone's been sneakily grinding them on the day pockets are filled with like perfectly smooth stones and up their sleeves and just

drop them in the bucket oh this one looks good wow imagine the drama honestly Leave me alone by a river for a full day with a chair and a bucket of stones. I'll be the happiest man of life. I can see now how furious some people would have been to discover that a bit of grinding had taken place, as it were. Because they'd probably think, listen, our sport is already not taking care. This is the only, only event where we can gather to do this. And you've ruined. How dare you? How dare you ruin it?

Let he who is without sin. throw the first stone. Just don't let them near those glass houses, am I row? No, absolutely not. Next headline, mortician in legal trouble after inviting colleagues to laugh at corpse. Those are the two that I knew, Mikey, so it's all fair game going forward. I don't know the rest. I think this sounds like it could have happened.

I feel like I've read not just one, but multiple news stories over the last few months that involve dodgy morticianers. I heard a story where someone had accidentally, or maybe on purpose really, had their phone recording during an operation and one of the, like the anesthetist or the nurse or something was, I don't know if they were laughing at the size of this guy's dick or saying that he was like fat or something

and he sued them for a load of money because they were being mean while he was under the knife. Holy shit. I assume he went in there prepared like, I'm going to record. I'm going to find out what. these bastards are saying about money. Yeah.

So I think this definitely happened that morticians have been bad. I think morticians have been bad, but this is an onion article. Okay. While I truly believe that some morticians have been bad, this is the onion. Okay. The proper headline is report, colon, your naked body will make entire morgue laugh. Yeah. I mean, that is about as true as the onion.

can become. Like, yeah, it's a funny joke story, but also definitely happens in real life. It's so hard to find articles on the onion now that are not about politicians. Yes, it's really difficult. In its detailed analysis of how your corpse will appear when lying on a brightly lit post-mortem examination table, a report published Friday by researchers in the University of Minnesota's mortuary science program concluded that your naked body will make the entire morgue laugh. According to our projections, the mortician and assistant and anyone else who happens to walk in and catch sight of your unclothed remains will immediately burst into uncontrollable laughter at both the size and shape of your various body parts, said lead researcher Rachel Stein, adding that your abdomen genitals and buttocks, along with any tattoos you may have, will become inside jokes at the funeral home, hospital or medical. That's even worse. Not only where they left there and then

but for months afterwards there we go Oh, all right Oh, just get a show off my Rick and Morty tattoo This is quite a good one to be fair So I will read a bit more of it Someone will look at your toe tag Chuckle as they read your name aloud And then tell all their co-workers

To come over here and take a look at this one A gathering of people will soon be pointing out unsightly aspects of your body And saying things like, that's just goofy and I've never seen one like that before. They will remember your name for many years as it will become shorthand for any repellent anatomical feature they encounter from that day on.

The report went on to state that this situation will not be helped by the fact that your name is Dick B short. That's the whole article there. Final two now. Oh, Jesus, I keep... I've got a new lamp here and I keep elbowing it. It's so frightening. Final two.

Starbucks loses court battle to Indian rival. Could this just be, is this like one of those, like when corner shops call themselves, there was that guy who called it Morris Sings or something. And then he changed it to Singsbury's or the other way around. So maybe somewhere in India, there's a big chain of coffee shops with a very, similar name. So I think this could be real, perhaps.

I'm going to say Starbucks. Because did you say that Starbucks loses it soon? You're going to say Starbucks. I'll say Starbucks. I'll say real. I can see Starbucks having the money to successfully sue this person to the ground and taking it down. Just of having a bit of fun, because you can't have fun anymore. No, you can't have fun anymore. That's true. Can I have fun anymore, man. It shouldn't be my catchphrase. It was a horrible feeling catchphrase. It lumps you in with some unsavory characters, doesn't it? Yeah, I'm going to say it. It's both saying real.

Yes. This is real. And you are bang on here. Pakistan is where this is where this is obviously. Karachi Cafe Satar Buksh wins trademark battle against Starbucks. Would you like to see the two different logos? Yeah, are they really similar? Yes, they are.

There you go. Oh, wow. That's fantastic. That's amazing. See, I would say they are different enough that, yeah, like, sure, that's not passing off. So I may be mispronouncing several things in this article for which I apologize. A cafe in Karachi has grabbed global attention after winning a trademark battle against coffee giant Starbucks. The cafe named Satar Bux, Buksh became known not only for its coffee, but also for its cheeky branding.

A round green logo featuring a moustache. man, which many felt was a playful nod to Starbucks' famous mermaid emblem. The name and design sparked debate online, attracting both curiosity and controversy, eventually drawing Starbucks into a legal fight, despite the brand not having outlets in Pakistan at the time. Then says where it was founded. And doesn't really... Oh no, does it actually say...

Okay, court sides with Satar Books. Under Pakistani trademark law, well-known brands are partated from imitation that could mislead customers or weaken their identity. Bucs argued Sotar Buxh broke these rules, but the local cafe countered that parody, cultural context and its unique menu set it apart. The court eventually ruled in favour of Sartar Buxh, allowing it to continue operating. The decision was seen as a rare victory of local creativity over a global giant. Oh yes. So there we are. And finally, we have emotional support alligators are no longer welcome in Walmart.

Oh, that's, I can see this being either, which is, kind of the point of the game, isn't it really? But, I mean, this sounds like it could absolutely have happened in real life, in Florida or something. But equally, it does just sound like an onion article. I don't know. I'm going to say it's real. Okay, I'll say it's fake, then. I think someone did have a little pet alligator. Yeah, I think they probably did, but I'll go fake.

It's real. Yes. A Western Pennsylvania man and his emotional support alligator took a shopping cart spin around the local Walmart, where he claims they've never had a problem. But this recent trip earned them orders to stay away, the retail giant confirmed Thursday. Wesley Silver, 60, and his five-foot-long 32-pound reptile named Jinsayoshi, I think,

made the local news after a trip to Walmart in West Brownsville where he pushed the alligator around in a shopping cart as she was wearing a dress. Oh, no. Before concerns about the recent visit were raised, Silver insisted that he and Jin Sayoshi experienced nothing but praise. We've been going to that Walmart for about three and a half years, and normally the reaction is, that's pretty cool,

or that is awesome that you have a pet alligator man, Silver told NBC News on Thursday. A Walmart spokesperson, though, was far less effusive and said Jin Sayoshi, and any other gaiters aren't welcome inside their stores. The safety of our customers and associates is our highest priority, Walmart said, also you can't have any fun anymore. would you like to see a photo of oh yeah in a dress not in a dress but in a turtle neck wow in a coat fantastic fur-lined little jumper wow I mean okay five foot that's a bit too big to be taken into a shop right

yeah it does seem like an accident waiting to happen like sooner or later a kid is going to come along and stick their fingers into the trolley toddler's going to disappear yeah wow that is Like, I was expecting a small little baby one, but no, that's a, that's a reasonable size. That's a proper killer. Wow. That's a real crop. Or gator, sorry, different. There we are.

That is not the onion. And thank you, boys for playing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. So now it is, hmm. Mikey? Yes.

Yeah, I think it is. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Let me just pull up my little article. This was submitted by Kristen Sturt, at Kristen Sturt on Twitter, I believe. Thank you very much. I already don't like the way this is going. This is a Metro article, and the headline reads,

Distopian Toilets won't give you Lurul unless you watch an advert first. Oh, my God. Oh, dear. Oh, no. That sounds like an onion article. I'm going to say that's fake, Mikey, that one. I will piss on the floor I will make a mess

Give me the toilet roll now Sadly This is not onion This is real Here's a little It's a toilet dispenser With a QR code on it that you scan Jesus wept

Good Lord I would piss on it in anger I think So if you're If you've just been sitting on the toilet Watching YouTube While you take a Plops

You might have had to watch advert while you plop as well. What a world we're living in. The subtitle for the picture reads, users must watch an advert or pay to access toilet rule in some Chinese public bathrooms, which, to be fair, actually, I get so annoyed when I have to pay to use the bathroom

in like some train stations and bits. I think I would watch an advert to circumvent paying the 20 pence. Yeah. The most annoying thing is I don't have any physical money. If there was a way that I could Apple pay my way into a bathroom, I would. Well, now you can watch an advert.

There you go. Which, yeah, actually, I don't know. I don't want to give them ideas. I don't want to let them know that. I'll happily do this. I'm against this in all its forms. I just do it in the middle of the station. I just do it on the floor in front of the boards. And the police try to take you here. Why do you do this, sir? Because I had to watch an advert to wipe.

It's all the machines' fault. Paying to use a public bathroom isn't a new concept, with plenty of countries charging an entrance fee to allow people to literally spend a penny what is the old rhyme spend a penny

where is it there's a rhyme spend a penny and then you it'll be smelly spend a penny to do a smelly right right what I've never heard that spend a penny to do a smelt Michael

surely not spend a penny in formal British slang used euphemistically refer to a need to urinate. Yeah, well, I just googled it. I guess from when you used to pay in old England for it. But I've not heard of spending a penny. Spend a penny.

Spending a penny. To do a smelly. So there is a, there is also a poem, it seems. This is on Reddit slash, R slash no stupid questions. Who actually wrote this famous verse? Here I sit, brokenhearted. It came to shit, but only. Spent a dime to clear my ass

But all I did was pass some gas Oh no That's apparently the closest That Google thinks We can come to spend a penny To do a smelly You're not thinking of like Look after the pennies and the pounds

Will look after themselves or something Like penny related phrases Find a penny pick it up Shit your pants Watch an ad Skip Is it a good at here um place penny in slot and slide knob as that's the entrance to a toilet that's good that's

really good oh dear anyway no we i shouldn't have said the word spend a penny i shouldn't have gone on about it we're in china now where the public toilets have taken the concept to new heights in a move described as dystopian by the anti-consumption subreddit ooh this is news from from reddit boy boy uh some public bathrooms in china are forcing users to watch an advert in order to gain access to toilet paper. That's a terrible thing to realize if you'd use the bathroom and then look over and your phone is dead. As in you are absolutely screwed. These things need to be like vandalised immediately.

Yes. A video shared by China Insider, showed a person scanning. I don't really want to read where the rest of the sentence is going. I don't want to see video of this. Showed a person scanning a QR code on the Lurial. dispenser and watching a short advert before a few squares of paper. Before a few squares of paper are dispensed. It's not even like free rein. You're given, oh my God, I'm a heavy shitter. It'd be really good toilet roll. It takes me a while sometimes to wipe up. I'd need to be

watching like 20 adverts. Jesus wept. If that's not enough paper or if you don't want to watch an advert, you can pay 0.5 R&B about 5P to skip the ads. Wow, so it's, adverts. Jesus. Christ. That's nuts. So, yeah, not only do you have to watch an advert, and then you can either pay it or watch more adverts to keep using it that I don't like, I don't like this. It's been claimed the system cuts down on waste, with authorities suggesting some people had been taking excessive amounts of free toilet paper.

Oh, my God, but it's like, it's a human, is it not a human right to be able to go to the toilet? It should be, yeah. This is insane. It's not a human right to be silly with how much toilet paper you're using, come on. I mean, to be fair, I have family members who have said that they've got several, like, months without ever having to buy toilet roll because they just nick them from, like, McDonald's and things. I don't know why you would want that toilet roll. It's the worst toilet roll imaginable. Yeah, why would you, yeah, steal it from a pub or something at least.

At uni, any, people used to do that and that tape. But, like, the rules are like the size. of like a record that he's really big ones yeah it's quite sad toilet paper as well it's not like fair enough it's free but I don't want all that in my house it'll take me months to get through it

yeah I find with those really big ones as well that the the two layers of ply get out of sync with each other so you tear it and like one layer tears an inch away from where the perforations on the other are and you know it's clearly like you just meant to basically use one layer and bundle it round.

Waffer thin. Yeah. I mean, you know, you say it's a human right to use the toilet ban, but it's also, you know, it's a human right to be a big fat cat CEO making absolutely pot loads of money from toilet tube or whatever. This service. Quite frankly, it's a human wrong to even have the need to expel waste from your body in the first place.

You know, keep that to yourself. that's um it's awful you shouldn't be bringing that stuff out in problem is it there's a little bit at the end of the article here uh this isn't the first time china has restricted toilet paper use in its public bathrooms back in 2017 public lues at the temple of heaven park in Beijing installed toilet rule dispensers with facial recognition software built in uh oh authorities claim you've already shit once today also i don't want i want a camera in the bathroom like where i do my boobs like they'll have

cameras that scan your ass to see whether you need any paper but yeah still a bit shitty on your way you can have three more squares and then that's your lot authorities claim the attraction

is regularly visited by people who stuff their bags with Lou Roll and take it home with them the new machines dispensed a strip of toilet roll measuring about 60 centimetre in length and would not dispense

any more to the same person until nine minutes had passed. Whoa! That's insane. I feel so much worse. I mean, it's doubly bad because you know, if you're in a position where you do need to go again within nine

minutes, not only can you not get any toilet paper, but if you're in that much of an issue where you're shitting every nine minutes, it's going to be like a, you know, a job where a lot of paper is needed. So it's like a double whammy. If you have to go back within six minutes

you're in for a really bad time don't worry Peter the last line here is but the park was forced to clarify that if someone had diarrhoea or another urgent need for Lurl a staff member would provide it directly to them

Oh God excuse me I've got diarrhea Could I have some A tile slides From the floor and a hand Just offers one up Oh God Jesus wept

There you go So get ready for the future, folks. Christ. Start being conservative with your taller paper usage now before you're forced to use 60 centimetres of it. The memes that have been going around in recent times about how if they start projecting adverts into the sky, nothing would make me a terrorist faster.

You know, it's 2035 and your neurolink briefly bugs out and you get to see the night sky without adverts for seven seconds. And you remember what the sky looked like. Awful, awful stuff. Well, I think I, citation needed, but I seem to remember reading somewhere a while, like maybe a few years ago now, that there are already international agreements in place

that no one will ever project an advert onto the moon. Because if we don't yet have that technology, we're certainly reaching the point where, you know, you could build a massive array of lasers or, I guess, launch something into space that would then project a Coca-Cola ad onto the, lunar surface. But if they do it,

there are like regulations already. Yeah. For that. They're going to, they're going to have to, like, if someone just does it under false pretences and then they're just like, ha ha, we've projected it onto the moon. What are you going to do? It would cause an international incident? Yeah.

What are you going to do? What are you going to do about it? Thank you very much for that article, Christian Sturt. Yeah. Thank you for my goodness me. Well, the final thing from me, I brought along myself, but it is another article. article. I saw this while looking at my Daily Star story about Bruce Forsyth's ghost. And I realized, hey, no one submitted this, but this is like top tier Pollyett's content. So I've brought along my own story here. Hey, guys, you've heard of Psycho Seagull, but now, according to the Daily Star, evil ninja squirrel comes out of nowhere, quote, and sends two victims to the hospital.

Oh my God. Okay. An unnamed squirrel has been... It's unusual. The squirrel refused to comment. An unnamed squirrel has been praying on people in the San Francisco Bay area, having already sent two victims to the hospital after tearing them to shreds in a brutal attack.

God. It's what it says. An enraged squirrel has put two... You know, that was the sub-hending. Now we have the opening paragraph, which is the same thing again. An enraged squirrel has put two people in hospital after attacking several others with a stern warning issue to the public. It doesn't say by authorities.

It just sounds like the squirrel has put a message out. I'll fucking do it again. Yeah, you'll get it again if you pay some protection money. There's a very good picture of an angry squirrel in the article, which I will send you now. If you could add that to the thread, please. That is a scary squirrel. Residents of a San Francisco Bay Area City

have been urged to watch out for a feral rodent that seemingly appears from nowhere to cause torment. Speaking to KGO TV, Joan Herblack said she was strolling in the Lucas Valley neighborhood of San Rafael when a squirrel started attacking her leg. Herbac said, It clamped onto my leg. The tail was flying up here. I was like, get it off me!

Get it off me! Another local, Isabel Kampoy, said she was mauled while walking in the same area. The evil critter launched itself from the ground directly upwards to her face. Then it started biting her arm, leaving it bloody, she said. Goodness me. And then there is a photo of a, like a poster that's been put out in the area, which is very well written. A name squirrel for Park Mayor So it's printed onto a piece of

Just like home printer paper And in all caps at the top in red It says, attack squirrel beware With 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 exclamation marks Attack squirrel beware Then there's a picture of a red squirrel jumping at the camera And then it says, in all caps And highlighted in yellow

this is not a joke more than five people have been attacked by a very mean squirrel over the past few days on Diablo Circle and Mount Lassen full stop several have gone to ER for severe lacerations this squirrel comes out of nowhere and will attack legs slash arms slash and faces and leaveed bite marks and scratches it's so energetic this posted this was written in a rush Yeah. I need to get word out there immediately. It's so good. This is not a joke. This is not a joke. Both women were forced to go to hospital, according to the TV station. Flyers are now plastered all around the area, warning residents that the animal has now attacked more than five people. It's been dubbed a, quote, very mean squirrel that comes out of nowhere, like a ninja. It doesn't say like a ninja on the poster. That's just artistic license taken by the Daily Star. Animal charity worker Lisa Block said If the demonic squirrel pops up again

She would coordinate with the state to have it removed We've seen this kind of behavior before She said it's almost always because someone has been feeding the animal According to Pest UK Gray squirrels become aggressive if they feel threatened So if you catch a squirrel or you think you have a squirrel infestation Contact a professional pest control company Rather than trying to deal with the problem yourself

There's then a very confused thing, which feels like a typo. It says, when it comes to attacking humans, these squirrels present their own dangers. Oh, no, sorry, it's in the next paragraph. Regarding fending them off, whilst the creatures may

seem feisty, they're actually quite tame. Your best option is likely to shake one off and even flee if they attach themselves to you. So that feels like they've got it the wrong way around. I think they meant to say, whilst they may seem tame, they're actually quite feisty. Because they sort of dumb it down and then suddenly

they say, like literally run. They're quite tame and mourn to attack, but if attacked, just... Yeah, yeah. Regarding off. Whilst the creatures may seem feisty, they're actually quite tame. Your best option is likely to shake one off and even flee if they attach themselves to you. They are technically rodents, right? Yeah, yeah, they are.

So it's a ninja rodent. Do you reckon it knows... Does it know the turtles, do you think? It's got four little turtle friends that it's teaching the ways of it. of the ways of the ninja. What was the name of the one, the pet? Nagy. Nagy, yeah.

It goes in the pocket. And the rest of the article is just essentially NHS advice of what to do if you get bitten by a squirrel, including thoroughly cleaning the bite and squeezing the wound to release blood, apparently. I don't know why you would do that. I just summons more squirrels, I think. They smell the blood.

Yeah. I've got a taste for it. Uh, so there you go. Um, the poster is the best bit. Uh, I, I, I really like, this squirrel comes out of nowhere and will attack legs slash arms slash and faces and leave, bite marks and scratches. Leaveed. Not even left. No, that's a past tense. That's English for you. Yeah, leave. It did leave to bite marks. That's true. Uh, so that's it. That's my thing. Amazing. I'll never trust a squirrel again. Thank you. And thank you everyone for your things this week. We hope you've enjoyed this episode of Polly.

It's just a few things to talk about before we disappear. We are, of course, closing in on the end of the year, which means it's not long until the reunion stream. The final reunion stream will be taking place in December. At some point, we're putting together tentative plans for that. And, of course, we're putting together some tentative plans for our final show as well. Hopefully that will be the live show. We will relay more information to you when we have it.

But if you have a favourite moment over the past seven years of Podiat's, then please do let us know either by commenting under this video or by tweeting it to us, by blue-skying it to us, by I'm assuming you can DM on Instagram by doing that. You can. Or by emailing us, Vidyats official at gmail.com. Preferably, I'll allow Peter to reinforce this after I finish speaking. but preferably if you fancy with a timestamp and an episode.

Yeah, not just preferably. Please do that. It will make our lives so much easier. Thank you. Yeah, that would be really helpful, thanks. Mikey Johnson, I believe there's some sort of shop. You're down to Tudin. If you head over to vidysofficial.com and click on shop,

you will be greeted with a bounty of vidiates-themed goodies for you to put on your body or drink out of, unless you decide which ones are for which. We've got hudies, shirts, hats, mug, and some other bits and bobs, all with various designs from across the years. Some classic, some new. It's all amazing and beautiful. So head on over to vidyotsofficial.com and click on shop. Thank you.

Thank you very much, Mikey. Instagram, TikTok, we are at vidyots. On YouTube, Twitter, Facebook and Blue Sky, we are forward slash Vidyat's official. Our Discord is of course Vidyatsofficial.com forward slash Discord. Massive thanks to Tommy and Fleckers for modding us over there and of course you can submit your favourite moments in the Discord as well

and we'll keep an eye out for those. Twitch.tv.4.S.Vidates official maybe go give that page a follow in preparation for the final reunion stream at the end of the year and of course pottyets.com three pounds or more to get a shout out at the beginning and the end of the next episode of Poddietz

you will be immortalized forever more in this the final run of the podcast. Mikey can you kick us off once again with the pumpy platoon? I'd be honoured. Stephen Scodes Prince Beefcakes. DBP does my wife

for stuff. Rain drop joy Stephen Scudes again. Caroline we are out of Bisto. Pod squads, squat knobs. Anonymous and anonymous. And Anonymous. And Lord Selloutovich.

Bunt Chugly Caroline, the VPN isn't working Fwed and Tuna Colab Wen Donaco 7, liminal spoon Point at me Perennium for autumn And Bobby's Mama Blue Me And finally, we have the very generous

Googly-Mugally, thank you again Caroline Benson Phillips A Warm Mouth has no gender Knob Spider-Man Zeals Z? Oh, Z, did I say Zils earlier? I think it might be Z is. Oh God, Z is stored in Dragon Balls.

That makes me, that makes me, oh my God, I can't speak. That makes way more sense. I thought Zeal was some kind of character or resource. Yeah, so did I. Yeah. Oh, whoever donated that spent the whole episode thinking, oh, they said it wrong. The capital I looks like an L. Yeah.

Z is stored in Dragon Balls. That's it. Cracked it. It's so much better that way. It is so much better. Oscar X-ray and Scummy comies in my tummy. Thank you so much. Once again, pottyots.com. Three pounds on more to get a shout-out at the beginning.

And the end of the next episode of Poddits, which of course will be a spooky one. So submit spooky stories next month, please. Yeah. And prepare yourself for spook season. Peter, do we have any highlights of what came out on Vidiots seven years ago this month? We're running out of road here

on the Vidiot's run of 20s. I don't know when announcement happened. That was a while ago, I guess. But yeah, we are running out of road. We played Prop Hunt with Hap Films. That was a nice time. We did the Fortnite sandwich-making challenge. Remember that?

I don't know what the relevance was. Are that sandwiches in Fortnite? No, I think we had to come up with a challenge. but we were being told by several people internally. There's no budget. When you try and cover some... Well, this wasn't that. We knew that.

It was when you try and play some contemporary games. You know, you guys play a lot of old games. When you try and play... And we're like, okay, fine. We're going to make fucking sandwiches. It was worst games of a fight club. That was a good one. We did Draw the Fans No. 2.

We did the Take Pictures of Spider-Man Live Action Challenge, which was a lot of fun. 50-cent bulletproof. Worst Games Ever was a good one. We did the Dunstah vlog. That came out in September. It's a classic. Peter gets hit by a car as well.

Neil's Masterpice on the Art Attack PC game. The slightly controversial Mass Effect Andromeda episode of Worst Games Ever. We also did the Airport to Airport GTA5 Challenge with no tires. I seem to remember that being quite an entertaining video. and also the extended deluxe director's cut of Peter gets hit by a car, which was just the same video but with a bit more footage. Excellent. Yeah.

Excellent. And Michael Johnson, where can people find you on the internet? What are you up to? At Parrot Boy on Blue Sky and also on Instagram. Them's be the best places to see what I'm doing. And kind of fun news, actually, a trailer I worked on premiered at the PlayStation State of Play. the night. Oh, wow.

Congratulations. That's brilliant. It was second in the entire show, so I was quite pleased. Didn't have to stay up all night to watch it. I hope he didn't watch the YouTube feed and read the chat while it was playing. I did a little bit. It was fine. It was fine.

Some people were nice, but everyone was just calling everything walk, which was great. Okay. Yeah, classic. I'm surprising. Love it. I know you're the world's busiest man, Mikey. people were talking on my stream earlier about how they miss you streaming. I don't suppose there's there's anything like that on the horizon.

Sadly not. No, definitely not streaming. I don't like streaming. Fair enough. There we are. Put that to bed. Yeah, I'm not opposed to it, but it's just, it's very hard to justify spending more hours at the computer after spending days and days at the computer. I'm keen to do stuff, but I think stuff will come once Pollyett's rules to an end and I'm, I want to do something out in the world again.

So, yeah. I'm keen. I'm just tired. I'm just tired. I bet you are, man. We're working really hard lately. And Peter Austin, speaking of working hard. Where are we? What are we up to? You can find us both together, still making worst games ever on YouTube.com forward slash at worst games ever. Ben, speaking of streaming, is streaming at twitch.tv.

Forward slash confused underscore dude. What are we playing recently, Ben? What have you been up to? I was playing Pokemon today We're about to enter Spooky Month and I'm doing a spooky game every Tuesday evening Yes, indeed And you can find me doing

non-gaming, non-Poddietz Well, sort of pottyets-esque stuff Interesting history and science Over at YouTube.com forward slash at that Peter Austin I recently went into a slightly stinky old World War II pillbox Which was, it had loads of cans in it

And smelled of piss I didn't talk about the fact that it's don't make. Yeah. I really smelled of piss when I got in there and I was like, I'm not going to, I'm not going to say it smells of piss in the video, but I'll tell the poddiots maybe. That feels like them. Lavatorial, you know. Yeah. I enjoyed that video and I did. Public lavatories. There you go. Yeah, it's free to piss in the can. Yeah. You have to pay for that and have to watch an advert. I know it's them in the back of the video and it was, I was transfixed on the quote-unquote ruin that was used for people to drink in in the middle of nowhere. How fun. Yeah, there was so

So much litter in there, which was a shame. It's a grade two listed historical building. And it's just full of cans and piss, yeah. Very good video. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Thank you. Why not leave us a five-star review on your platform of choice? It doesn't help something to do with Al Gore's rhythms.

But, you know, it's nice to imagine that it does. And we have to hold that in our hearts. Hey, if you all tell your friends over the next month, Yeah, oh my God. Imagine if they all told their friends. Change everything. Please leave us a five-star review on your platform of choice. Why not? Why not do that? It does help us an awful lot, and we appreciate every single review that we get.

So thank you everybody for that. Do you guys have a favorite moment, not favorite moment? Do you guys have a question to see us off this month? Oh. Oh. Oh, God. What's your favorite moment from poddiots with TimeStamp? Yeah, that makes sense.

Very cool. Yes, please. Be it big, be it small, be it the introduction of a character, be it just a funny, me, mispronouncing triglyglyceride. How do you about triglyceride? Yeah. I can't even do it now. You're going to say you almost re-mispronounced it in the same way. Triglyceride.

It's just burned into my head now. Yeah. Now, before we go, we've been. We've got another song to play at the end. We do. Yes. It wasn't the one that we played last time. It is another Ben Cooper original.

And this is the entrance music for Michael Juggson in my weekly streamed WW2K25 wrestling promotion called Benxt. It's amazing. And we love it. And we're going to leave you with it today. So thank you, Ben Cooper for making it. please enjoy Michael Juggson's extra 50s worth of Benxte Entrance Music and thank you everybody for listening.

We will see you next time. We will. Bye. Bye. I pop your head for ever closer. Are you comfortable there? What's your name? Michael Jokeson.

You're fucking mad at him. Have you had got your tea? Sure. So, like, good, worth of garlic. I got extra stuffy worth of garlic. I did. Give you a fuck. Oh, fucking dirt.

What nice? Go on earth? Go on ass? Garlic and dirt. I've been told you're the fucking best of the fucking pedal bike I've done stunts on that I fucking did no you're the best that fucking pulling stunts

like a pedal bike like that I'm being doing stone all my best friends are digital is a podcast about video games and the stories they tell every week we cover a retro title where Mark finds a way to bring up Terry Bogart or Asper respect ratios. And Caitlin grudgingly acknowledges that there are games other than square RPGs. We do a feature review of a recent release and also chat about what we've been playing lately. We love the stories and memorable characters that video games bring us. Garris Vicarion

will never love you the way he loves me. Sometimes a little too much. Join us every week for all my best friends are digital. Wherever you find your podcasts. Hi, this is Michelle Madison. And I'm John Jacobson. And we're the video game outsiders podcast and we just joined the Pickax Network. That's right. We've been covering video game news and reviews for the past 20 years. On everything from Xbox, PC, Switch, and PlayStation. Sony's dead. They're not dead. PC MasterRace. Anyway, if you want to hear us, if you want to know more about the show and listen to John and I argue every week, you can do that on videogame outsiders.com or anywhere podcasts are available.