Podiots - Podiots: Episode 34 - Gulliver's Travels

Episode Date: August 7, 2019

Mikey reveals all about killer seagulls, Ben turns up the heat on Not The Onion, and Peter maroons us on a desert island Donate to help keep Vidiots alive! - https://streamlabs.com/vidiotsofficial New merch: http://smarturl.it/Podiots Twitch: Twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord:  http://bit.ly/VidiotsDiscord Ben and Peter's channel 'TripleJump': https://www.youtube.com/teamtriplejump Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pickax Maybe it's just a phase you're going through. You'll get over it. I can't help you with that. The next appointment is in six months. You're not alone. Finding mental health support shouldn't leave you feeling more lost. At CAMH, we know how frustrating it can be trying to access care.

We're working to build a future where the path to support is clear, and every step forward feels like progress, Not another wrong turn. Visit camh.ca to help us forge a better path for mental health care. Okay, flights on air Canada. Oh, wow. Mayorka, that's new. Oh, nice.

But Vienna is a classic Mozart, palaces and schnitzel. Mm-mm, now you're cooking. If you're hungry, deli brings the heat. Heat. Cartagena's got sun and the sea to cool off. So does Martinique. Mmm, and that French cuisine? Book it.

Yes, chef. Wait. What about Lyon? Choose from our world of destinations if you can. Air Canada. Nice travels. This is the first podcast under the new Prime Minister. My favourite thing to come out of, well, when I say favourite,

I mean, like the thing I hate the most to come out of Boppas Johnson becoming Prime Minister, is that apparently he commissioned a jacket to be made for him with the words Prime Minister written on it. Which, of course, he did. No other Prime Minister has ever had. It's not a standard bit of uniform. He's just said, fuck it, I want to tell everyone. like, Jesus Christ. He's a bell end.

Dun, done, done. What if I get a shirt that says Prime Minister? What does that mean? It makes your Prime Minister. Does it? That's all you need. That's the only, yeah. Okay, well, I'm going to order one of those.

Prime Minister. Hang on, let me just have a look. What's it, T Springs? That's one that prints. Oh, that's a good one. Custom T-shirts. Let's have a look. But if you and Boppas Johnson are ever in the same room

and you're both wearing your Prime Minister apparel. I think you have to fight to the death. Yeah. I mean, that's an old bylaw, isn't it? I don't think you could catch me. I'm too fast. Oh, there's a shirt. I just searched Prime Minister. Oh. There's one that says, you can't beat Boris, and there's a picture of Boris with the meme sunglasses on.

No. And then right next to it is, not my Prime Minister, of Boris's face, and kick Johnson out. Nice. There we go. All sides represented. Fuck Boris. Okay, I just wanted to Oh wow, that's one that just says I love my Prime Minister. Can you imagine anyone,

regardless of which side of the aisle, sincerely wearing, oh, I love my Prime Minister. I love my, I support local Prime Ministers, organic corn fed, field-reared Prime Ministers. Oh, my goodness. Free range, very happy. Yeah, I do think I will buy. Actually, you know what?

new piece of potty it's merch Meatface for Prime Minister I love my meat face prime minister Isn't that who we've got That's already happened That's very true Just a posh meat face That's just a big sausage man

That's not an oldie What is it, Aldi or Liddle? Oldie Oh yeah he's not an oldie meat face Is he? That's a that's a waitrose meat face Right there Very middle class God I think we're

I've got Kevin here Yeah I was going to say We need to get Kevin on it we've been chatting for a while now. Yeah, he's just been sitting silently over my shoulder. Oh, perfect. Don't to wind him up? I don't know that I want to.

Well, because sometimes he'll just wheel over, you know, with his four wheels that he has. Sometimes he'll just wheel over and he'll, his mouth will unhinge and I think, oh God, is it, is it potty? It's time? Like, I'm not ready. I've just had a, I'm just about to have a shower. And then his tongue will just unroll like a cartoon. Yeah. And then on the end of it, there's a post-it note that just says,

wind me up. And I think, I don't know if I'm comfortable with this. Oh, that's a bit inappropriate. I wish you wouldn't wheel out. I've told him not to do that. I had to change, I had to change two tires last time he was at mine. I don't let him wheel in my house. Burns through them like a school kid with new shoes.

Like, after a couple of months, there's a bat. What are you doing? Yeah. I'm thinking of putting a spoiler on Kevin. Yeah? You're going to make him go faster. Spoiler warning. You need to push him down towards the floor.

He keeps flying off. Yeah. So fast. Okay, I'm just going to press... I'm going to press his Make the Music Happen button. You ready? Okay, yeah. Okay, I go.

Oh, Jesus. There we go. It's happening. It's happening. Hello, everybody, and welcome to Podiat's the official. Vidiates podcast. Oh, sorry, hang on. The official Vidiates. Podcast. Brilliant. Nice. Thank you. That first time. It's a conversational podcast where we take

some questions from you at home and obey the law of the three us where everybody brings. A thing. A lot. Long to talk. About. I tried. I'm Ben. I'm Peter. Oh, Mikey. How are we all doing? Boys. Fine. Just fine

Just fine I don't want to hear any more than that Just fine Good old British conversation now How you doing? Fine Fine I was going to talk about the weather Is that too

Oh Is that too boring? I've heard a lot about the weather recently Even for a British person I've had enough Isn't it warm Oh hasn't it been hot Oh stormy

Oh warm Highest on record There we go That covers that Thank you Peter Before we move on to some questions and just get started, I suppose, I would like to thank the following people for donating at streamlabs.com forward slash vidiates official.

Now we set a challenge last show £100 or more and we'll upload the video of Michael Johnson doing a lap dance at a press event for press that was for business reasons. Yeah, not getting drunk. And there's Michael Johnson doing a lap dance on Dave. I thought you meant that's where we were going to upload it. We're going to upload the video of Michael Johnson doing a lap dance at a press event.

Yeah. It's going to air at Gamescom. There we go, nice. In whenever that is. So look forward to that. That'll be live streamed all over the world. There we go. Reputation in Korea ruined in one event.

So the following people managed to beat that. Oh my God. And the video will be uploaded at the time of release tomorrow morning. So thanks, guys. Jesus. Be excited. The following people, though, Lord Thistlewick Flanders was extremely generous with his donation. Or her. Lord Brotovich, Becker, Matthew Patrick, I Will Lie Awake, East Spurious puppy bear,

Tash Darren Hudson, Strider, Top Shagger, underscore Cal. No. James W. Bab, Daniel and Tanner. They've got various messages here. Release the tape. Hire Mikey. Keep being awesome. Another patronage, do you sick, boys.

Keep it going, guys. And let's see that lappity d'ansity. Oh, I regret. I should have set it like a million pounds. He should. You should have said it at 300 pounds, so we could all have 100 each. Oh, damn it.

Good point. Oh, well, I'll do something else embarrassing. It's bound to happen, and then we'll release that for 300 pound. Yeah. So if you'd like to join that illustrious list and get a shout out at the beginning and the end of the show,

that's streamlabs.com forward slash philiate's official. Any amount that you provide us with is greatly appreciated. Oh God, it's choking me up. It's so emotional. We love you so much, all you people, giving us the monies.

Thank you. We do. We do this for no monies currently. Yeah. And all the monies that is provided goes straight back into the show to help us do it. Hold on, Ben.

We can't say no money. We get like £3 an episode from YouTube ad revenue. That's true. It's mass. Sick money. We get that sick payout from the Oggscast every month or so. Oh boy. Six quid. It's not bad. It's pretty good. It's not a great way to make a living.

I think we're not entirely sure because the podcast service that we use their ad system is a bit strange. But we think we might have ads at the beginning of the show. I have no idea if that's happened. They put them on, not us. So let us know if it worked. because we might make some money that way. Maybe, I don't know. Let's move on to some questions.

Peter, I believe your question boy this week. I am. I've got some questions here that I brought along. I think one of them I should get out the way first because we were actually just talking about it. Molly McDade, at Author of Nebulae, asks, how did you guys deal with the heat over the past few weeks? Nice.

How hot was it in Bristol, Mikey? Because it would have been a damn slight warmer down there than it was in New Key. New E. New Castle. It got to like 35 degrees, is it? No. On the report, it was like some places got to high 30s, which is, I was like, oh, I don't know, that's too much.

Yeah. But on one of the hottest days of the year we've had so far, if not the hottest, we were outside all day shooting some stuff for YogCon. And it was fucking boiling. Oh, boy. I bet it was. We were all little red lobsters by the end of the day, but it was quite fun. How do the ferrets cope with heat? We, actually, they're fine.

We sometimes spray my water, but it's actually quite cool in our flat. It's a ground floor flat. It's quite new, so it lets in enough air to keep it nice and cool. So it's not been too bad for them, but we've been suffering on the other hand. So we invested in a £9.50 fan from Tesco. Oh, yes. Oh, boy. And that's done a little bit, but thankfully it's getting colder now.

So it was basically one night of like, oh, God, this sucks. Let's buy a fan. and the weather instantly got more tolerable. Actually, early in the week, we got a parcel delivered to one of our neighbours because we weren't in. Turns out, he let me into his flat, and he was just wearing underpants because it was so hot.

Oh, good. That was weird, and it is dark, dingy flat. It was like, oh, coming in, I'm just wearing my underpants. It's like, okay. Wow. I don't know if I want to. Thanks. The way that we've been dealing with the heat

at the triple jump slash cultaholic office is by having the aircon on, and oh my god me and ben walk in together most days into the office walking in that heat i've been dressing in shorts and t-shirts right you get to the office so cold in there like really cold i think it goes right the other way yeah oh god so you have to basically decide in the morning do i want to wear shorts so that i don't get all hot and clamoms and sweatums for the rest of the day when I'm walking in for 20 minutes uphill

or do I wear trousers so that I'm not going to freeze to death in the office I don't know it's a tough one it is and I didn't really find an answer in the end I'm just glad that it's gone a bit cooler and so we don't need the aircon on good there we go okay well that's good just thought we'd yeah get the weather chat out of the way at the start there

um does someone to do a thing I'll do my thing okay want everybody happy with that yeah yeah good I don't know how to feel about what I've got today right I've been laughing a lot of it

but I think that makes me a terrible person okay so you've probably heard of this recent news story about Gizmo the Chihuahua who was stolen by a seagull yeah have have you got any news I've got related news, I've got updates, I've got some investigation, I've gone all out on this one.

Oh my God. Fantastic. I'm in. So for everybody who hasn't heard of this breaking news story, here's the rundown. The little dog called Gizmo was out playing in the garden when a seagull swooped down and grabbed Gizmo by the scruff of his neck. The owner's partner tried to grab the dog's legs to stop him being taken away, but it was in vain. And so... How strong was this seagull? Well, yeah, there's a lot to unpack here.

I'm going to give the down low first. And we're going to analyze it. We're going to see what the fuck happened here. Okay. So the owner wrote in a desperate Facebook post, It carried Gizmo far away until we couldn't see him anymore. Oh, my God. Oh, God.

It's very sad because someone's lost a pet, but oh my God, what an image. Just a little tiny chihuahua getting taken off into the distance. She went on to say, I have no idea if he was dropped or where he is now. Please, please, please. If anyone finds a chihuahua, he's mine. A seagull has took him from my garden. So, yeah, when I first heard this, I was like, oh, surely that's bullshit.

That's got to be a lie. Made up by, like, maybe the boyfriend to cover up losing the dog or something. But, like, this story persisted through every news website. like Twitter, Facebook, everyone was talking about it so I thought, okay, maybe there's some truth to it because this is a big lie to keep on going. Has the Seagull given a candid sit-down interview yet? That's it, we need to hear from the Seagull.

I want to hear all sides of the story. Making a dog napper coming to Netflix. The Seagull wished to remain anonymous. This is an actor Seagull who's talking on behalf of the seagull. With like a weird, filtered voice. Yeah. I was actually given the wrong kind of dog. Oh, God.

So yeah, surely a seagull can't possibly snatch a dog, can it? Turns out it's possible. Oh, my God. Ornithologist Peter Rock told the Today program on BBC Radio 4, Siegles were capable of picking up small animals. If you have a very tiny little dog, I suggest you don't let it run around in your back garden. It may well become a meal.

God. Jesus, what do the seagulls do to it? Can they just extend their beaks or something? How would they eat that? Oh, I don't even want to think about the gruesome details, to be honest. I like to think it just flew it off somewhere and kept it as a pet. That's what happened, right? I haven't used it whole then.

I think what they would do to it if they were going to eat it is take bites out of it. But how? They don't have knives and fools. Could eat the soft bits. Could eat his eyes. On a similar tangent, as a kid. We lost one of our parrots when I was like a little kid and I was like distraught over it

and then just like the day after my uncle came around and my parents were talking about it and he just candidly said, ah, don't worry, the seagulls have probably killed it by now. Oh, God. It's like, thanks, uncle. Did, um, my, uh, my grandparents told me that when they first got together,

my granddad had, um... Was stolen by a seagull? No, he had a little budgie. that actually a previous girlfriend had given him, I think, as a present. Or he might have bought it for her, but he ended up getting custody of this budgie. It was called Peter, actually. Oh, cute. And so then, like, he had this budgie for a while, and he got together with my grandma.

I think they've moved in together. And then one day, my grandma accidentally left the door open or a window open, and the budgie flew away. And they were like, oh, no, that's gone forever now. Anyway, there was a railway tunnel down at the bottom of the hill and it had actually flown in there and there'd been some workmen in there who had seen

this budgie and they'd like grabbed it and somehow the budgie managed to be returned to the family and it was this miracle that's like oh wow this railway man saw the budgie and then they somehow made the link that it was theirs it was all great anyway two weeks later my grandma accidentally

left the door open again and the budgie went and never came back sick That's like a final destination thing that the budget was destined to get away. Yeah. Maybe she just didn't like that it was a present from the previous girlfriend.

Oh, maybe. It could well have been premeditated. Oh my God. Yeah. It's like, fuck, I thought I got rid of it the first time. So our resident bird expert, Peter Rock, said he wasn't surprised to hear of the instant of Gizmo the Chihuahua

because gulls are, quote, very large, which is... For a scientist. That's some fucking insight that. Yeah, that's... really cut an edge there. Thanks Peter. Peter Rock

means rock rock rock. The name Peter, yeah. The name Peter means rock. Well, no wonder he can't trust him. He's got two first They're very big. I am rock rock, Seagull's very large. Of course you happen. Seagulls are big in it.

So after this, I was like, okay, I'm going to investigate. What are the Seagull-on-dog incidents happened? In May 2015, another Devon pet owner watched into horror as her beloved Chihuahua puppy was killed by a flock of Seagulls after the puppy pushed open the door and got out. No. Heartbreaking.

In August 2015, Seagull attempted to steal a Jack Russell named Charlie, but was unsuccessful. Jack Russell seems too big. Yeah, they said like it's like a 14 pound dog and it's just silly but I guess the Seagull wanted to have a go. They are very large. Yeah. like a little baby chihuahua it's a no i meant the seagulls peter rocks is they're very large that's all we know about them describe a seagull ornithologist peter rock boog very large i did google uh ornithologist and yes

that is a bird expert so it turns out you can just be an ornithologist yeah i think you probably have to do some kind of degree but yes no yeah you can't just be one but so like there's an absolute wealth of stories like this about dogs being either attacked or like attempting to steal them but i think this is the first one where a dog uh seagull has successfully stolen a dog god but there's one interesting link that unified all these stories together or at least the majority of them they all happened in the southwest oh so maybe like the southwest seagulls are the most vicious angry strongest seagulls out there and and a few days ago there was another headline in the Bristol Live news website read

Horrified Man describes pigeon massacre in latest Bristol Seagull attack Oh my God, pigeon massacre I love that band Fuck yeah, that'd be a good band name It's just latest Bristol Siegel attack As if there's been a string of these Well, they took your sandwich

They'd fucking, they deserve everything And they get, the pricks You were the first, I hate seagulls The first of the Bristol attacks It was on you Oh my, and it's just been a crime wave since then. What do Seagulls actually do?

Like, where do they fit in the food chain apart from stealing other people's food and pets? The scavengers, I think, seagulls. Well, fuck them then. Get them out. Kill them all. I can give a shit about seagulls. Yeah.

So the pigeon attack, I think my favourite line from the story is a horrified Bristol man has described how a pigeon was dragged off to its doom by a seagull. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. And then within the article,

it links to three other similar incidents that happened recently, so it is a definite spree of something going on. Local ornithologist Rock Rock says the reason the seagull was able to take the pigeon is that it was very small. Oh, nice. That's the qualifying factor for all birds. Are they big or are they small? Yeah. Tell you to know. Is it a notorious gang of sea? What I want to know is if it's a repeat offender. Oh, the same seagull, yeah. Yeah. Tag him. Like a motorcycle gang. Yeah. I have seagulls. Next attack that happens, need some spray paint at hand, spray it, and just track that seagull.

See what it does next. Do we have a name for the gang, the seagull gang? The Gulliver's Travels, that's it. Oh, okay. Sure. Yeah, that's good for that. That'll do. So what is causing the southwest seagulls to be so aggressive? Well, a clue might lie in this headline from a Devon newspaper.

they can read Stop it Jesus The headline reads Seagles are getting drunk on leftover booze and throwing up on firefighters What?

Specifically Just firefighters There's another one boys So maybe all these seagulls are hopped up on alcohol 24-7 And committing violent acts as a result God, they need Asbos Yeah

Oh God imagine if we had electronic tagging or bracelets for seagulls that has to exist no no no you're not going anywhere blow into this son it's 7 p.m you should be at home you've been vomiting on any firefighters tonight son god the answer is it's probably not them being alcoholics in another more sciencey article they said

it's probably a number of attacks are increasing just because the population of seagulls is increasing so we're just seeing more and more of this kind of thing They're inherently violent animals God Well Fuck seagulls Fuck him

That's a t-shirt design Fuck seagulls Oh yeah definitely I'd buy one of those But enough about the goals Let's get back to Gizmo the Chihuahua This was a headline that went up yesterday Leg found in search for Chihuahua

Oh, snap Christ So Natalie Williams 29 found the leg on a roof of a popular with, on a roof popular with seagulls in Totner's Devon. She went into the, into the motorcycle seagot. What were they called? The Gulliver's Travels' Den.

She went to the Gulliver's Travels Den. She faced the devil in the eyes and retrieved the potential leg of a Chihuahua. So sadly, there's no concrete end to the story. They're doing DNA testing on the leg right now to see if it did actually come from the dog. Well, how do they know what the dog's DNA is? Oh yeah, I guess

there'll be some kind of hair or something in the Oh true, yeah Or they could, I guess they could just see If it's from a chihuahua Then that would at least narrow it down There's been a spree of chihuahua thefts in the area I hope the seagull gets prosecuted Yeah, we need to find it, hunt it down

Everybody, if you're in the Devon area Keep an eye out for a seagull with a chihuahua in its beaks Justice for Gizmo Justice for Gizmo God, that's crazy I wish I had a proper ending for that But I like the suspense of a leg was found.

Yeah. I mean, there's not much suspense. I doubt that, I doubt he escaped. There's not a lot of dog's legs lying around in the south, the southwest, I don't think.

That's true. That's true. Oh, God. But there's still three more out there somewhere. And like, yeah, they all line up to the corner of an X and in the middle

is why you'll find the rest of the dog. Oh, God. Well, thank you very much, Mikey, for that. There's a disgusting, morbid beginning to the podcast, as I'm good at. Lovely. Got a question here. Yeah?

This is from... Oh, actually, I seem to only have half of it. I don't know how that's happened, but I remember what it said. This is from Bethins at Beth Valkria. It's like Valkyrie, but it says I-A at the end. Imagine you're a drag queen. Or king! Oh, king!

That's all I've actually... somehow copied and pasted, but it said, what would your... Okay, I'm thinking about it. What would your name be? And what song would you sing, I think? Oh, my God. Now, I know nothing about drag queens or drag queen culture. Is singing a part of it?

Really? Yeah. Okay. I think, yeah, singing is like, it's all like showmanship and singing and stuff. So, yeah, like, I think singing is the quintessential part of the drag queen experience. I think there's a lot of catwalking and stuff. Yeah. But yeah, I'm sure they do a lot of singing.

I admittedly am not entirely clued up on it, but I have seen a few snippets of Rupor's drag race. Nice. I think Amy watches it or has at least seen a couple. Yeah, that's the one. Yeah. I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking about me as a drag queen or king.

I don't have a name. Oh, sorry. Well, I was just going to say, I'm pretty unhappy. Yeah? Yeah, I'm not very happy drag queen. Would you keep the beard or not? Yeah, this isn't going anywhere. Okay.

Nice, that's good, that's good. That's good. That's fine. I think you can still be a drag queen and have a beard nowadays. Okay, well, that's fine then. Yeah. I'm slightly less unhappy. I don't have my own name yet, but Claudia has had a name in her mind for ages.

That is fucking brilliant. Oh, yeah. A name for a drag queen would be Duncan Biscuits. Oh, my God. God. Duncan Viscuit. I think, yeah, a lot of the names are kind of puns, aren't they? Oh, okay.

You know, that might have I help you, Ben. Okay, okay. I think my own, though. What song would I sing as well? Stoke on Trent and have, like, something based around Stoke? I'm going to pull up a drag queen name generator. Oh, my God, amazing. Oh, that's a good idea, actually.

Because I've got nothing currently. Yeah, these are all puns. I didn't know this was a thing. Yeah. Portia Bella, as in mushroom, I guess. Poppy Dom, as in Popper Dom. This one says Linda Lou. Oh, that's not really a pun, is it?

It's like Vindaloo, isn't it? Vindaloo, I suppose, yeah. Jenna Ross. Fucking hell. You went to school with all of these people. Oh, I'm having this one. I would be Supernova. Oh, that's really good, actually.

Very good. I could link you to this, or I could just pick one for you, Ben, or Mikey. Pick one for me. Pick one for me. God, all these others are rubbish. I can't even find... Oh, M. Plosion.

There we go. That'll do. Yeah. I've always had one of my favorite pun names I ever read. I think Susan Sox is brilliant. Susan Sox is very good. Okay. I took me a second to really get that one

That's good, that's good Well, we've got our names, I guess Yeah, all right What, oh god Maybe we just think of like a routine Maybe not singing a song What do we do on stage? Yeah, just a talent

It's like a talent Backflip Backflip Yeah, but you can't backflip though I know, but Susan socks, mate Oh, I'd love to see someone Try to do a backflip For the first time on stage

That'd be amazing Dressed in heels and a giant sort of big dress thing. Yeah, there you go. Susan Sox can backflip. I guess mine would be trying to fart the alphabet. Okay. Instead of burping, I put a twist on it.

There we go. Oh no, get the baby wipes. He's done it again. Oh, no. I don't like it. Yeah, it's a bit much. Farting on stage was a bit much for me. The shitting himself on stage was a bit much for me.

Five stars. I would, um, for my act, I think I would do a dramatic recreation of the abduction of the chihuahua. Can it have interpretive dancing and can I help? That's what it is. It's an interpretive dance. I was going to try and have to play both characters at once, but if you want to help, we can do it together.

Well, yeah, if you want to be the seagull and Mikey can be the dog. Oh, I want it to be the leg. Oh, you can be the leg, okay. Who was the lady that found the leg? Oh, God, one second. Let me get it back up. She was called... Natalie Williams. Someone could be Peter Rock, or nithologist. Okay, we've got several roles here.

Oh, man. I'll be Natalie Williams? Yeah, that's it. I'll be Natalie Williams. Michael's going to be The Leg. Yeah. Peter is both a gang of seagulls called the Gulliver's Travels. Yeah. Travels, yeah. And...

Ornithologist. Rock. Rock. Great. Well, that's it. we've cast the musical based on the abduction of Gizmo the Dog I don't think it has anything to do with drag queens anymore it is we're all dressed in drag at the same time okay brilliant well that's I think we've totally given Beth In's the answer she wanted there yeah

for sure okay I'll move on to another question before we do a thing um jonesy at chris jones l ufc says have any of you ever done anything you consider courageous or brave i'm a coward no no no uh no your honor nothing at all nothing at all nothing at all i get up every day thinking in its own way that's quite brave it is going out to face the world yeah absolutely that is brave I do actually have one but I'll let you guys have a chat This doesn't count as courageous or brave But I once was in a bus station

And there was a little pigeon With its feet all tied up with wire And so I bust out my multi-tool Held onto it and cut it free and let it go And it was a beautiful moment I did that in Bristol On the way to Ben's flat once Oh my God

Was it a seagull? The seagulls are set in traps No, it was a pigeon Okay, that's fine. I was going to say, you fucking idiot. Why would you let it loose? It could have been the one if it had been a seagull. Maybe I would have been responsible for Gizmo's death. That was the one that took Gizmo and ate all of him, ate his leg off.

What's your courageous thing, Peter? Oh, I don't know. I mean, I brought the question, but I just thought that something might come to me. Like when I heard your ones, it might inspire me. Oh, this is a hard one. Ben, did you say you've got one? yeah but it's not from my adult life which isn't hugely excited not I leave a I lead a fairly sheltered life in that I do I try to avoid conflict and and greatness is rarely

opportunities for greatness are rarely presented to me yeah um as as most people can say I'm not a lifeguard I'm not a soldier boy ho or an or an or an armed forces personnel person or a policeman officer so i don't get many opportunities to be brave um once though when when i was a young boy my father took me into the city and my brother fell off his bed uh he was quite young and um he hit his head on one of those um on on a plug socket but you know one that like stands proud of the wall by by like two inches for some reason it's just like a big square box that sticks out the wall and he was on like a I want to call it a 1.5 sleeper in that it has storage underneath so it's quite tall it's quite a tall bed and and he hit that and like he cut his head open and it was bleeding

everywhere and my sister started screaming and I I calmly got a flannel and I dampened it with water and I held it over his head and instructed my sister to call my parents who were out for the evening and he went to go and get some stitches in it and stuff but that was literally the only opportunity i had to be a hero well a hero you were wasn't that heroic you're a good boy i have remembered one from my childhood now oh where uh me and my sister were at the at the playground um and there was this dog walking around a small to medium sized dog maybe a bit bigger than a jack russell and we didn't know like who's it was what it was doing there it seemed fairly chill and it was just sort of standing around and we we weren't messing around with it too much and we just carried on playing but eventually it got to the point where we thought is it is it lost is it like no one is here like for this dog and so we thought we would see if it had a tag on it you know and we as we got closer to it it bit my sister it was clearly not happy about being approached

which in some ways we probably shouldn't have approached a dog we didn't know but you know on the other hand if you see a dog that's like not with anyone you might it's a caring thing to do to be like oh no poor lost dog let me see if there's a phone number to ring so yeah anyway I did a similar thing in that I just made sure that my sister was okay that the dog was fucking off

and I was you know standing there saying making noise to make it be scared and not come and bite her again and then I walked her home and she went and I don't think I think they said she didn't need an injection in the end but yeah she had to go to the doctor and like see if she needed I guess rabies or something injection oh my god I don't know if you if you remember Peter what your sister said to you afterwards but I've actually got it here right in German so I'm just gonna play it for you now Okay. Peter, you best very

mootig and gross. Thank you, that you're on this hushed me type. Peter,

you're very something and big, uh, brave, I guess, brave and big. Thank you

for something about the dog that I've forgotten already. Peter, you are very brave and tall. Thank you

for taking care of this rat dog, my dude. My dude. Dude. That's how your sister addresses you, right? I love the new fourth member of Pottietz. German robot lady.

But she only recounts Peter's past. That's all she can do. Well, she was there for all of it. She was watching. She was like the Bible scribes just watching from the bushes. Like, I'm going to get this so fucking wrong. Yeah, when I say that me and my sister were alone in the park with a dog, I mean, me, my sister and German robot lady were alone in the park.

You just don't mention her because it's implied. Yeah. 100%. Well, she's got, she's a wealth of knowledge. She's standing by whenever Peter talks about literally anything that happened in the past tense. Well, aren't we brave boys, all of us? Yes, very much so. I feel like maybe some of these questions should be put to us ahead of time so we can remember things that happen to us.

What are you talking about? Rather than do it on the spot. We always muddle through. Yeah. We all thought of something that we'd done. so that works, that's fine. Yeah, that's fine. It's time for a thing.

Yeah. I've got a thing. Okay. Do you mind? No. So I brought some more real fake stories. Oh yeah. From The Onion slash Not the Onion, satirical website The Onion.

And this is from a subreddit called Not the Onion, where the stories are so ridiculous sounding that they could well be on satirical website The Onion. However, I have fiddled with the headline slash. because I feel like the onion headlines kind of give the game away but the content is still there but the headlines are slightly altered so you have to guess

just from the content of the the headline rather than the wording which is usually what the giveaway is which is real and which is not I like this the game's evolving so you have kept the stories from the onion exactly the same in terms of who did what and where but you've just

not written it in the way where it's like a joke with a punchline. Exactly. So the headline contains the same content, but it is reworded so as not to give the game away as easily necessarily. Okay. Oh, I'm down. So I've got six headlines for you here. Some of them might be real, some of them might be fake. Let's start at the top. Are you ready? I'm going to read them all out one at a time and then we'll go back through them and you can guess. Cool. Lovely. Arizona man's son not returned after neighbours borrowed him to do housework. Oh my God. Not returned as though it was, the illness was on the neighbours to return him.

Okay. Police officer horrified to discover someone had taken a bite of his McDonald's sandwich. That is pretty, pretty horrifying. Two-year-old Missouri girl presented with cake saying Happy birthday loser Two-year-old Oh no

Athlete freed by kidnapper After complimenting his orchids Wow Wow Okay I kind of want that to be true That's a hell of a way to get Like was he freed because of the orchids Orkids or was just like

I'll let you go By the way Nice orchid Nice orchids Lifegout Lifeguard Lifeguard life gourd, a loud drowning child

who received three verbal warnings to flail around before rescue. Oh my God. I mean... Frustrated... Sorry. I want that to be true just to teach him a lesson. And finally, frustrated passenger in clown suit

prompted mass cruise ship brawl. Sorry, say that again? Frustrated passenger in clown suit prompted mass cruise ship brawl. Oh my God. All right, let's go from the top Let's get this down Let's do this

These are hard They're difficult now Yeah So the first one was Arizona man's son Not returned after neighbors borrowed him To do housework Oh

Did that have like a booking system for the child Like so all right I want him for three hours on Tuesday Right put your name here He's got some homework But I can squeeze him in around four I think that Is the onion

that's a really it's really difficult it's so hard without the wording like it sounds like a story that could feasibly be worded in an amusing way but as it is it's not really a joke it's just a weird story but I think it's probably a reworded onion article

I'm gonna go real I'm gonna go the opposite well Peter's seen through it this is the original headline man annoyed after neighbours never returned son they borrowed to do some work around house Which I think is more obviously the onion

Than how I reworded it I like it though It's a lot harder Next one Police officer horrified to discover Someone had taken a bite of his McDonald's sandwich This has got to be true Yeah I want this to be real

A customer at a local McDonald's restaurant Is looking for answers after finding that someone may have already helped themselves to his sandwich The customer, DJ, is a regular at the McDonald's on West Morris street and Holt Road. He ordered a mchicken sandwich, fries and cookies, but suspect someone took a bite from the sandwich before he completed the sale. Suspects? It's either got a bite out of it or it has an officer. He might have forgotten if he took a bite out of it himself. This story improves massively as it goes. He found the evidence when he opened his order when he got to

I nearly just brought this along, to be honest, just this one. And I got evidence. Well, he's a police officer, so that's how he talks, I think. Yeah, true. I started to warm up my mchicken and I noticed several small bites. I know I didn't eat it. No one else was around. I said, you know what? I'm going to the McDonald's to see if they can get that taken care of,

said DJ, a local law enforcement officer. I went to, this says, I went at the McDonald's, and talked, this is WTHR.com, whatever that is. And talked to the supervisor. She offered me some free food I didn't care anything about.

I just wanted to find out who the person was and they deal with that person in an appropriate way. I don't want food. I want answers, he says. Weird. The restaurant confirmed they are aware of DJ's complaints. Managers reportedly told him they would check the schedule to see who was on the food line when he placed the order.

There has been an update. Last week, a Marion County Sheriff's Office employee purchased a McChicken sandwich from the McDonald location at 3828 West Morris Street, Indianapolis. The employee took a bite out of the sandwich upon starting his shift at the Marion County Jail, then placed it in the refrigerator in a break room. He returned nearly seven hours later, having forgotten that he had... previously bitten the sandwich. He wrongly concluded that a McDonald's restaurant employee had tampered with his food because he is a law enforcement officer.

Wow. That's amazing. I love it. There's a photo and everything. He went to the local news. Over a fucking bite out of a burger. It turned out he just forgot he did it. That's so good. I didn't eat it.

No one else was in the car. So, it must have been. The employees. Is it because I'm a cop? Is that what this is? Two-year-old Missouri girl presented with cake saying, Happy Birthday Loser. I'm going to say real.

I want that. I'm going to say real. I think this is the hardest one. Ooh. Yeah, I'll say real. I'll say real. A photo of a two-year-old girl has gone viral after a mix-up at a Missouri Walmart, left the little girl with a cake that read Happy Birthday Loser.

Mellon Jones 2-year-old Elizabeth's Sorry, Melon Jones 2-year-old Elizabeth's mother said she asked for the cake to read Happy Birthday Lizard. Lizard is the toddler's nickname. And so they fucked that up so bad.

Louser. Louser is what it said. It's so different. It might have been done over the phone, though. Can you make it say happy birthday? Yep, got that. Luzer, yeah, sure. I mean, Azda's printed.

weirder stuff for us. Yeah. Don't remind me. Happy birthday, loser. It's going to be on my next cake. Okay, next headline. Athlete freed by kidnapper after complimenting his orchids. Uh, true.

I'm going to go onion. Fuck it. It's real. Oh, wow. And this is an astonishing story. Vienna, a young Austrian triathlete kidnapped while riding her bike talked her way to freedom by complimenting her captors orchids. A police source said Saturday, confirming press reports. How do you kidnap a triathlet who's riding a bike? Well, it goes on. You wait until

you, this is some horror movie stuff really, this. The jovial headline disguises a dark underbelly. Professional triathlete, Natalie Burley, 27, was struck by a car Tuesday and broke her arm while falling to the ground near Graz in southeast and Austria. Oh, jeez. Might not be how it's pronounced. The press report said, the driver then knocked her out with a piece of wood and took her to his isolated home. When I regained consciousness, I was naked and tied up in an armchair in an old house. Whoa. The man forced her to drink alcohol and tried to suffocate her and drown her in a bathtub filled with cold water. What? However, she managed to placate the man by complimenting him on the many orchids growing in his home.

Though he was initially filled with hate, the man suddenly became nice to me and confided that gardening was his passion before opening up about his troubled childhood. Finally, he agreed to let her go and even took her home, along with her bicycle, which had a GPS system installed in it.

The police used the GPS system to track down the man and arrest him at his house. Jesus. And they are now trying to determine if the 33-year-old man who suffers from psychiatric problems was involved in any previous kidnappings.

Oh my fucking God. That's like a film. It's pretty frightening, isn't it? Yeah. She just wakes up naked on a chair in this weird orchid-filled room with some creepy man. God. That's fucking horrified. And then, like, at the end of that, imagine getting in his car again to, like, take you back to where he came from.

I was like, oh, Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. I wish that wasn't real, but it is amazing. Next one, lifeguard allowed drowning child who received three verbal warnings to, flail around before rescue. Please be true. Yeah, I'm saying true.

I'm leaning real. It's an onion. No! It's an onion. Here is the original headline, Lifeguard, going to let drowning kid who received three verbal warnings flail around for a bit before diving in.

Very obviously onion. Yeah. Because it's in the present tense and that sort of gives the game away there. But I got you. I could so easily see that as a real article, though. It's just someone being reprimanded

for not getting into action too quick because a kid was being a dickhead. Yeah, and they're like interviewed after the fact going, Just trying to teach the kid a lesson, you know, I warned him, I warned him when he wasn't interested. I thought, you know, this is how you learn lessons, mate. You get a bit of fear. Yeah, you nearly die.

Yeah. I just wanted him to die a little bit. I didn't expect him to die all the way. Yeah. Finally, frustrated passenger in clown suit prompted mass cruise ship brawl. True. Yeah, true. A holiday maker dressed as a clown prompted a mass,

brawl on a cruise ship in which passengers used furniture and plates as weapons, according to witnesses. Oh my God. Weapons. Weapons. The late night fight in the buffet area on board Piano's Brul, Britannia, it's just Britannia, left a member of staff injured as they tried to intervene while Onlook has fled in fear. The brawl which took place in the early hours of Friday morning during the return leg of a week-long cruise to Norway's fjords, reportedly followed an alcohol-fueled afternoon of patriotic party.

Partying on deck. Classic patriots wearing clown outfits. Yeah. And beating the shit out of each other. Yeah, England or whatever country. So a 41-year-old woman and a 43-year-old man from Essex were arrested by Hampshire police on suspicion of assault when the ship docked in Southampton on Saturday morning, and the perpetrators were said to have been confined to their cabins for the last day of the cruise. Wow.

I hope they were still in the clown costumes by the time they were escorted away by the police. Oh, that would be amazing Apparently there was blood everywhere So that's super rad God What's fine The cruise, yeah Well, that's all I've got for you

From my game this week Well, it's very good I like it Yeah, the evolution's very good It's ten times harder Ten times I've got a question here It's from Tyler Warden

At Tyler S. Warden Who asks Since we're all still in the midst of the Area 51 hype What are some places that one wouldn't normally have regular access to that you'd like to gain a peek of or gain secret entry to.

And it's a good question. Oh, that is a fun one, actually. God. I'm aware that there's a Vatican library that contains loads of, like, secret documents that they don't want other people to see. Good damn brown books. And I don't think they're necessarily all religious documents either. They're just, like, you know, things of historical importance

and stuff like that. um just an archive like any any big archive like um the BBC archive and finally get all the dick and dom tapes oh my god yeah that Vatican one is exactly the kind of thing that I would I would be all over that would be really interesting yeah but from a um from a nerd boy perspective I'd love to be at some of the some of the very early stages meetings at at Disney slash Marvel oh yeah when they're coming up with you know what they're going to be doing next and all that kind of stuff maybe some table reads for things or maybe backstage at like a WWE or something. I think that just to fly on the wall just to see all that shit.

Yeah, it would be super fascinating. This is less serious, but like at Disneyland parks, they've got like an underground tunnel, like network of tunnels where all the actors go around. Like so they're not like seen walking around the park. They always like slip away and then go underground. I want to access those underground areas and see. you know, people with the masks taking off, like these characters just acting like normal people

walking around in this weird underground tunnel. Yeah. So, I've got one more question, which we'll do after my thing, but I think you might need some time to think about it, so I'll ask you it now. Okay. And you can be thinking.

Martin Branny asks, A bit like Desert Island Discs, what one piece of music, one book, and one luxury item would you take with you if you had to be stuck on a Desert Island? Oh, God. um song book and book book and luxury item yeah okay so have a think um my thing is fairly short it's the end of july fellas at time of recording um on the i think the third of august is the start

of the edinburgh fringe festival oh boy and um something that i don't think we did last year is the 10 best jokes from edinburgh festival 2018 oh very good nice I think one of us at one point brought like just an article where it was like, oh, the best jokes of the year or like best jokes of all time voted by the Independent or whatever, but this is, they do this every year, they vote the best jokes of the festival. So we'll be able to do this same thing in a couple of weeks' time, actually,

if we want to. But see how funny you think these top ten jokes from the entire Edinburgh Fringe Festival are. Oh, no. Okay. Okay. Athena Kugblenu says, Patriarchy is putting Jane Austen on 10 pound notes

the same time as bringing in contactless. Oh, sorry, say that again? Patriarchy, I think what she means is the definition of, or, you know, typical of patriarchy, putting Jane Austen on 10 pound notes the same time as we bring in contactless. That's kind of funny. Yeah, I get it. It makes sense.

I get it, but yeah. I get it, but I'm not laughing. I suspect a lot of these are going to be sort of down to my delivery, but I refuse to do them in any voice other than I'm reading this from a web page. Okay. Christian Talbot says,

this is also about feminism and patriarchy, coincidentally, but they're not all about that. Christian Talbot says, sometimes even I don't understand feminism, and I'm a guy. Oh, okay. I don't get that one at all. I don't think that's funny.

It's number nine on the list. everybody. Yeah. The fringe sounds shit. Yeah, it does, isn't it? Jez Watts has one that I think is slightly more creative and amusing.

I don't know why, but for some reason all the cheeses in the dairy aisle have been named after porn search categories. Vintage, natural, hard, semi-hard, mature,

blue vein, goat. Oh my God. Fucking hell. Thanks, Jess. Great. Good. Hell. No, I don't like that. No. Oh, God.

Oh, Mikey's really upset by that. I don't know. I think it's just blue vein. Blue vein, yeah. I think that's the worst one. It is. It's really upset you. Yeah, it's fine. I'll get over it. Felicity Ward said, I have a lot in common with post-first World War Germany.

We both went through a great depression in our 20s. Then in our 30s, a nice man came along. Great facial hair. hoping for the best. That's quite funny. Yeah, I enjoy that. I enjoy every joke that involves Hitler, so yeah. Best one so far, I think,

Flissity Ward. Definitely. Okay. Angela Barnes. When I see Donald Trump, I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax. Bush wasn't that bad. Okay, good, good.

Yeah. Ken Cheng. In school. I had the nickname the human calculator which meant bullies would come up to me say the number

531,8,08 lift me upside down and not let me go until I said the word boobies That sounds like a really painful memory That doesn't sound like a joke I also read the number wrong

I said 531,8008 but it's 5 million It's fine We'll allow it That's an okay joke Yeah, it's okay It's fine I thought it was going to be funny

Because when I first saw that I just sort of glanced at the At the sentence And saw the key words And thought he was just going to say You know In school I had the human calculator I used to stand on my head

And shout boobies But it's no The bullies would come up to me Say the number Five million three You know It's just a really weird thing Atif Nawaz

Says Just learned what periniums are Let's just say it's nothing to do with Nando's. I don't know what peronyms are, actually. Isn't the perineum a part of you, Wilson? Oh, it is. It's the perineum. Yeah. Perineum. Oh, because it's peri.

Oh, it's the gooch. Oh, well, it didn't help that I read the word wrong. Oh, I see, right. It's a, it's a peri-peri joke. It's a peri-peri-neum. Oh, got you got one peri. Oh, God, these are... Jesus Christ. I tell you what, these are tenuous... I'm not saying it's not hard to be a stand-up comedian.

You know, hats off to all of these people, I would never do it. But I'm not getting many yucks out of these. No, me neither. Yeah. And this doesn't reflect on you at all, Peter. I think what you're doing is a valuable service to expose. Yeah. The French festival.

Well, I've realized, as we've got into this, I've suddenly realized where this idea came to me from. I think they actually did this on the Yogpod once. Oh. Oh, okay. Bad. Yeah. And it was, you know, the same thing of like of that year, which was probably way back in, I don't know, 20, God knows when, 2015 or something or earlier.

And yeah, they were equally, you know, they're all growners, really, aren't they? Yeah, they are. Rosie Jones, during birth, my shoulder got stuck coming out. Well, it was the 80s. That's lost on me. Oh, I think because he used to have like big, big shoulders. Like, that was a fashion back then. and they have like shoulder extenders essentially on their clothes.

Yeah, the big shoulder pad things. Okay. God. Right. Thanks, Rosie. Thanks. Cool, cool, cool, cool, good, good. Yeah.

Chris Turner. Never apologize. Never explain. Sorry, that's my motto. Oh. Do you get it? Because he apologized and then he explained what he was doing. Yeah.

I mean. I get it. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. I understand. There's a difference between getting. it and enjoying it. Yeah.

Did every single one of these comedians say, Do you want me to repeat that? Yeah, afterwards. I can explain that for you, actually, if you want to know. If you could just check under your chair, there's a... I've shown my workings. There's a pamphlet. Yeah.

Explains the jokes. Eighty's fashion, a 50-page summary. Or maybe they all get given those things you have to pay money for when you go and visit a castle. and it's got a pair of headphones. And you just have to press the number. And then someone in your ears goes, you see, what he's saying here is that in the 80s,

they wore big shoulder pads. And you go, huh. Huh. Oh, yeah. It's just imagine telling a joke in a room, just 50 people going, huh, huh.

I wonder what that sounds like. Just all at the same time. Huh. One left. These aren't an order, by the way. This isn't the best joke. Oh, okay. Matt Rees.

Says, No good at talking to women. I'm 28, and recently my grandmother and I had the are you gay conversation? She isn't. Fucking hell. What? Matt Rees, everyone.

Well done, Matt. You've hit new lows. This is so bad. You're really bad. I think, like, one line is actually are really hard jokes to kind of create and formulate and tell. They are. They've got to be, like, really just blunt and stupid.

At least for me, I just, like, I don't know, when you've got to, like, think and decipher meaning it's just got to be kind of like a slap to the face that's the best for me yeah i think like longer jokes it's easier to like make something funny like build up expectations and go another way yeah there's a bigger buildup of expectation that's the thing and you just subvert that expectation with a punchline whereas one line is like ah here's the thing yeah we might be missing the preamble you know we haven't been even comedians have warm-up comedians before them we might you know we might not be in the right head space for them but i tell you

what, getting those cold. Not great. No, that's the thing. Like a good joke you should be able to tell cold, I think. Like the best jokes. These are meant to be the best. That's the thing. They're meant to be the best. You know, if I just pulled ten jokes out of the Edinburgh fringe and went, huh, see if these are funny when I just read them to you, then no, they're probably not going to be. But these are supposed to be, you know, fantastic. So I've just googled jokes for kids, and I'm just reading off a random one here. Okay.

Where should a 500 pound alien go? On a diet. I mean, I laughed more at that than almost all of those. This joke was voted funniest. By Richard, six years old. Of all time. Oh, really? Funniest joke of all time in a 2002 online poll.

Oh, is this the one about the hunters? It is, yeah. Oh, okay, I haven't heard this. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing in his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and dials 911. I think my friend is dead he yells what can I do

the operator says calm down first let's make sure he's dead there's a silence then a shot back on the phone the guy says okay now what I just I think the delivery was good yeah the delivery may have affected it slightly there

but yeah I think that was also that was the funniest joke voted in 2002 when they were disallowing all offensive jokes you know that was a nice safe joke yeah it's like the other one um that sometimes gets voted that it was voted at one point

funniest joke you know the one about Sherlock Holmes and Watson looking up at the night sky no they're like they're lying down they're looking up at the stars and Sherlock Holmes turns to Watson and he says Watson what do you think when you look up and see those stars and Watson says like oh it's amazing isn't it you know we're just a tiny little speck on a little dot a little rock just floating around in space and there's an infiniteness out there that could hold all kinds of wonders up in the heavens and then Sherlock Holmes says okay that's not what I think and Watson says well what do you think he says somebody's stolen our tent ah ha ha ha ha see the role is kind of like oh I get it that's nice that would get a that would get a pity laugh from me if if someone told it

Sincerely. I would go, ha, that's really good. Thanks, Grandma, for telling that joke to me. Thanks for sending it in an email. Yeah. But we're among friends here. We don't need to sugarcoat it. These are shit.

They are. Thanks, Peter. Thank you. Yeah. Right. I want a song and a book and a luxury item from you now. I'm ready. I've got it. Yes.

I've got one, but I miss heard and I didn't do a song. I did an album. Oh, for God, see. Okay, that's fine. A disc. Okay, choose a song. Desert Island Biscs. I would like In Between Dreams by Jack Johnson, please.

Yeah? The book, I would like the Encyclopedia Britannica, please. I mean, that's in several volumes as you issue there. Yeah, I know. I know, but maybe I could pick one. You get a kids version, that's like everything in one. I don't want a kid's one. I want to learn.

I want the one with all. I'll have the one with all of the violence in it or all of the sex in it, I think. That was what I'll go for. Okay. And my luxury item will be a Game Boy with the Pokemon on it. Oh, that's quite good.

Ah, but then your batteries will run out pretty soon. There's special batteries. Oh, special batteries. Okay. Good. Why would you have the encyclopedia just to learn while you're there? I feel like I would want to learn.

You know, I don't want to read the same piece of fiction over and over again. I appreciate the escapism of fiction, but that's what the Game Boy and the music is for and I could actually study stuff and learn stuff and there'd be a lot to read because it's a big old book. And if I get the sexy one,

then you know what? There's something to look at. You know, something nice to look at sometimes. You're right. I was going to say encyclopedia for a book as well because it's broad enough to like keep you interested. Like it's not too confined to one thing. But I guess once you've read it,

you've kind of, you've gained that information, that's it. Hmm. I guess you can always... But then you could reread it. Oh, yeah. But it depends how long you're stuck on this island for. If it's going to be forever, everything's going to get boring eventually, right?

Yeah, of course. Of course. It's a hellish, it's a hellish situation to be it. In fact, do you know, the other thing they do on Desert Island discs is they tell you that on the island, there is already your holy book, if you have one. So there's a Bible or a Quran, so you don't have to use your slot taking that.

And also I think there's like the complete works of Shakespeare as well. That just gets a free pass because I guess they think that all these, they, you know, they have some, I think they often have quite highbrow sort of broadcasters and people who went to Oxbridge and they're like, oh, well, they're obviously going to pick a Shakespeare play, so we better just give them all of those. I'd like to bring porn, please.

Yeah, definitely. I would, yeah, I would probably take an encyclopedia as well, or me and my friends did this once, and I said, I just want something to kind of remind me of the world beyond the island and so I would have like well no what because what I said was I would take a dictionary

just a giant dictionary because then on every single page you know there's going to be things where you're like oh yeah sandwich bags you know oh yeah meerkats I forgot that they existed

the Lion King that reminds me of the Lion King you know It would just help you just remember everything that happened to you in your whole life. Dictionary, yeah, that's quite a good one. I like that. But the Encyclopedia basically does the same thing because it, you know, theoretically covers everything in the world. My song would be Son of Man by Phil Collins.

I like that song. Okay, nice. It's a good song. It's not a particularly well-loved song by the population of the world, but I think it's just a good song. I like the lyrics. Good for you. Good for you. I don't know what my luxury item would be.

Do you know what your song and book would be, Mikey? I think I'd go for something like really light and bouncy, but I fear that would get annoying after a while. But I'll go for Flamingo by Carra Carabinito. How many shrimps do you have to eat? Oh yeah. I think that bit get boring. Oh my God, you would go insane.

You would. Go fucking mad. If I looped it just to the chorus, like where the do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do, do-do, do-do, do, do, do, do, do, like, maybe just that for 24 hours a day, forever, maybe... I'm just picturing you dancing around this island to this fucking looped 15-second piece of music. I think for a luxury item, I think I'd bring a pet of some kind. Oh, God, not a chihuahua. I don't know why I said like that, a chihuahua.

Shaw-wa-wa-what? I don't know what animal, like, a parrot would be pretty fun. I think you could probably train that well enough where I could fly and come back, maybe fetch things. I don't know how the hell I'd manage that. Yeah. I wouldn't take a ferret, to be honest, because they'd just annoy me and run away a lot. You're okay in the confines of a flat.

Lovely, but annoying. I think actually I'd love a parrot. Plus, they lived like 70 years sometimes, so... Yeah, that'd be a lifelong companion. Yeah. Or a turtle or something. Yeah, oh. A little toil.

Yeah, actually, that's a really good shout. I'm just going to copy that and I'm going to say I would take probably like my grandma's collie which is super intelligent and really affectionate Oh nice Like a really obedient friendly dog And I think if I had to be stuck with

Presumably we're not I'd take another person with us Because I would take my I would take my partner before I took the dog But You know Assuming we can't take a person I would take just a very

alert friendly dog Who can be my friend Oh, a good boy Nice Peter, I don't know if you If you remember When you were When you were talking to your friends

About this sort of situation Yeah It was of course in the past It was There was someone watching Yeah I've got here what What she overheard

What did she hear In German Yeah This is what she overheard Peter Nim a word taboo You're grosser nerd You love words

Peter, something about a dictionary. Was it, do lebes to Varta? Was that you love your father? And then do best gross is you are tall, which is, I guess, going to be in every remark that German robot lady ever says. Well, here's the English translation. Again, this is what she heard.

You know, like this isn't anything else. Peter take a dictionary You big nerd you love words Don't you you Abererolulu madman Oh do you're very tall Do Lebes de Verter Yeah that's you love words Oh

There you go That's what she heard Thank you I love I love this Because I've got no idea what it says in German But watching Peter try to unpack it And translate it is magic Well

Welcome to the Pantheon Robotic German lady she's she's part of the part of the crew now the worst addition to the family I don't even want to know what she looks like put me light Peter oh that's okay

she apologised oh I'm sorry Peter it's nice that she's bilingual though it is yeah it's weird that she doesn't just speak in the English you know yeah when she knows that I'm an English speaker she could just

yeah that would be easier oh I love you too That's very nice I love you Yeah There we go Well there we go That was that

Brilliant Are we all Are we all done We are Yes fantastic Well thank you very much For listening Everybody

We'd just like to give A quick shout out Once again To Lord Thistlewick Flanders Lord Brottovich Becker Matthew Patrick

I will lie awake East Spurius Puppy bear Dash Darren Hudson Strider Top Shagger underscore KAL

James W. Bav Daniel and Tanner All of whom combined their powers to unleash the Mikey lap dance video, which will be going on the channel tomorrow morning. Good. Sort of about 11am.

So look forward to that. And thank them as well, because it's from those wonderful people that that's happened. Yeah, thank you. For the greater good. And if you would like a shout-out and would like to support us financially, if you can afford to do so,

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Thank you very much. YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, all.com forward slash Vidiates official. YogCon. Oh, yeah. It's happened? It's happened. Yeah.

It's officially over. And my God, I didn't know. expect so many people to die that was mental wasn't it yeah the seagulls came they just descended on it like fucking oh it's mental

the gullivers travels came loads of legs on the roof now oh no yeah we're pretty much the rest of this week is going to be prepped for yogcon and making yogcon happen as of the time of recording we're now in the future but yeah it's going to be a fun

weekend so if anyone happened to see me and said hi nice to see too and if no one ends up doing that that's fine that's fine it's fine i didn't want to be waived two anyway we had um one tweet from someone earlier who was taking a rules boss hat with them to joggon yeah i saw that that's great that's nice good stuff and uh if you want to see peter and i on a daily basis youtube dot com forward slash triple jump we do worst games ever uh rules boss speaking of rules boss he's back oh yes channel got other new shows coming as well We did a video with Booth recently.

There's a couple of other things in the pipeline, too. So come a little bit close to the YouTube channel, son. Go and check us out. Okay, yeah. Yeah, I've subscribed. Have you fucked, you're lying bastard? I heard you're the best at producing niche content on YouTube. Got an extra 50 worth of Patreon.

Have you fuck, you lying bastard? Thank you very much for listening, everybody. Make sure you leave us an iTunes review or a review slash rating on your platform of choice. Something about Alan Gore's Rhythms. Do we have a secret question, boys? Oh, shit. Oh. This always catches me off guard, even though we do it at the end of every episode.

Yeah. What luxury item would you take on a desert island? Yeah, just give us your luxury item. Yeah. Let's go. Lovely. Well, thank you so much for listening, everybody. We'll be back in a couple of weeks' time.

We're really enjoying doing this thing for you. We hope you're enjoying it as well. We're getting lots of lovely tweets from people who enjoy listening to the show. 2019 is the year that we win seven awards. Yes. I'm calling it. Seven podcast awards. We can do it easy.

I hope we don't win eight. That would be really embarrassing. That would be embarrassing. That would be embarrassing. Yeah. So make sure you nominate us for anything. Like, I mean anything. Just put a name in there.

Not even podcast things. Just chuck us in the hat. Do it. Yeah. It'll be a right, LAR. Sports Personality of the Year. Vidiots. That's it.

BBC Sports Personality of the Year. Poddiots. What? Well, we want it, fuckers. We talked about a triathlete. Is that what they called? Triathlete. Sure.

So I guess that comes under the banner of it, doesn't it? Yeah. No, why not? I think we should be included for that. Kevin is gone. Oh, Jesus. There's just some wheel marks on the floor. He's just walked in.

How is it? He's not on his wheels. He knows to take them off at the door in this flat. That's a good boy. He doesn't do that here. Kevin, nice to see you. Sorry to immediately put you on work duty as soon as you're right. I'll make you a cup of tea in a minute.

But if you could just open your... Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah. Oh, there we go. Open your mouth a little bit wider, son. Off it goes. That's nice. Well, so sweet, so beautiful.

Very good. Thank you, everyone for listening. See you soon. But, bye, bye, bye, everybody, bye. Discover five days of readings, talks, workshops and more, with over 100 authors from around the world, including Rachel Maddow, Ketourou Isaku and Kieran Desai. The Toronto International Festival of Authors, October 29th to November 2nd. Details and tickets at festivalofauthors.ca.