Podiots - Podiots: Episode 37 - Ben Joins a Freak Show

Episode Date: September 17, 2019

Peter brings the very best of comedy from this years Edinburgh Fringe Festival, Mikey reads the worst fanfiction from his collection and Ben reveals which of us would survive a battle royale Donate to get a shoutout! - https://streamlabs.com/vidiotsofficial New merch: http://smarturl.it/Podiots Twitch: Twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord:  http://bit.ly/VidiotsDiscord Ben and Peter's channel 'TripleJump': https://www.youtube.com/teamtriplejump Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pickax. Bank more oncores when you switch to a Scotia Bank Bank banking package. Learn more at ScotiaBank.com slash banking packages. Conditions apply. Scotia Bank, you're richer than you think. Calling all book lovers, the Toronto International Festival of Authors brings you a world of stories all in one place. Discover five days of readings, talks, workshops and more

with over 100 authors from around the world including Rachel Maddow, Ketouru Isaku and Kieran Desai The Toronto International Festival of Authors October 29th to November 2nd Details and Tickets at Festival of Authors.ca I've got a Dave Benson update for you both Oh! What's he up to now? So Peter's thing

Yeah Either last show or the show before Was it last show, the front cover of the Daily Star? Yeah, I think so. Okay, so this is posted now on Dave Bensonphillips.com Oh good. The headline is Dave makes the Daily Star front page in Seagull Sandwich Attack

And there's a little description here And I thought, oh, okay, we might get some more context because the front page didn't really give us anything apart from Dave Benson Phillips thinks that he was attacked by... Yeah, that one seagull that understands revenge. I like how this is... The headline on his website is that he was the headline.

So it's news about news, what we're talking about here. Absolutely. Okay. And there's a very small blurb here that comes with it. Dave made the front page of the Daily Star. Seagulls get owned back on Dave Benson Phillips with Savage Sand. Sandwich attack, Dave was playing a guest music set in Worthing's South Street Square when the

gulls struck when he was eating a sandwich. After scaring the bird away, the seagull took his revenge all over Dave's car. Here's Dave's initial tweet. And then the tweet literally says, when packing my stuff away, the same seagull vomited and shit on my car. Yeah. So I don't know why he's tried to dress it up nicer in the description on his website. He's probably just hoping that people don't actually read anything beyond that. headline thing oh that's good for davy's back in the news wow great yeah maybe he regrets his his tweet maybe he thinks oh i shouldn't have shouldn't have done a sweary because i'm a children's entertainer oh no oh no no my stop right has been hit i love that um was it take

revenge on his car was that what the wording there for yeah he's got his own back on his car i'm going to use that whenever i go at the bathroom now do you mind uh do you mind if you excuse me so i can go take revenge on your toilet but that would imply that it stole your sandwich first maybe you did I actually dropped it in there and flushed and it was a disaster second piece of important Dave Benson news you may remember that his shop is kind of woefully understocked with items

there's a signed photo and signed Christmas card those are the two things that he sells no no shirts no merchandise nothing right and I'm excited to announce that Vidyat's has definitely had an impact on Dave Benson Phillips. Because you can now buy a bespoke video message from Dave for 50 pounds. Yes. Which we clearly inspired by having to go through his management to ask for one. Yeah.

Which is obviously just him in a wig, his management. Yeah. And now he's like, oh, I could put that on my site. And now it's on his site so anyone can get one. 50 pounds. You're welcome. My God, if we had left him out of it, he'd never have this massive enterprise. I wonder how many people have done that.

Well, I hope, hopefully a few more now. Please, yeah, someone please help Dave. Oh my God, people will be able to, like, Vidyat's fans will be able to get. Oh, God. Just to ask him to do loads of Vidyat stuff. Oh, God. Oh, no. I think we'd rather have the 50 pounds, to be honest.

Yeah, I think we would. Yeah, that's a lot more useful. But it would be pretty funny to see Dave doing Rules Boss. Oh, it would be so good. A bespoke video message from Dave, ideal for that thank you. man's speech or unusual occasion. But he doesn't always read the script, I'm afraid. You know, you give him a script and he says, ah, ha, ha, yes.

When you put evil pantomime laugh and he just put, ah ha, yes, it was me all along. And then he says, and leave me out of it, okay, and he looks down and sees he's got a bit more to do. 150 points. Yeah, it was one take Phillips that. That's what it was. Really got a 50 quid's worth. Yeah. I feel like we did.

It was amazing. Anyway, that's my Benson news. Before I go into question time, I think... No, I was going to ask where Kevin is, but carry on. Oh, sorry, sorry. Kevin's in the corner here, don't worry. He's just... Okay.

He's tucking in a peanut butter sandwich right now. Oh, I'm treating him well. How's he doing that? Well, his idea of a sandwich is just putting peanut butter between his hands and licking it. Okay. So I guess the hands of the bread. I tried to show him how to use bread, but he didn't quite understand it.

How to use bread? I suppose he's got hands now. I think some people on the... Strange development. Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, no. It's fine.

He spawned them. They've grown out, and he's got hands now. Whatever he had before, it's now hands. I think some people on the video to Discord try to get Dave Benson Phillips to do a birthday message for me last year, and I don't think that came fruition. I am going to assume that's just because the, like, they didn't get a reply from his management.

or whatever, and he's just not bothering with that anymore. Him in a wig. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, Dave in a wig. Dave in a wig. Yeah. I think they could do it now.

There's, you can buy it on his sife. Just make him say the word vidiates 100 times in a row, please. Please, no, okay, no, stop. Okay, need to stop baiting Dave Venter Phillips and getting people to spend the hard-ed money on that. Yeah, leave him out of it, everyone. Oh, yeah, leave him out.

Oh, can you hear that? Oh, no, I hope that. What is that? Oh, that's, I think Kevin's just about finishing it with sandwich. Oh, God. All right, he's all done. Right, Kevin, come here. Now, open your mouth and show us if you've got any left on your teeth.

Oh, it's all on the roof of his mouth. Let me just get in there and give it a good old clean. Oh, wait, is his mouth open? Yeah, oh, God! Oh, God, it's accidentally done it! How does it sound sticky? Hello, everybody, and welcome to Pody. It's the official.

Vidiates Podcast Sort of muffled I missed that one I missed the last one It's embarrassing It's a conversational podcast Where we take some questions

From you at home And obey the law of the three us Where everybody brings A Thing Along To Talk About I'm Ben I'm Peter And I'm Michael

Are you sure Are we sure we are who we say No Well who is What is life What is anyone Who are we exist Hello?

How can you be sure? Are you okay, Peter? No. Oh dear. No, you're not okay or you're not sure you exist? I don't. Okay. Peter, listen to me.

You are Peter Austin. You are Peter Austin. Say it with me. You, I am Peter Austin. I am Peter Austin. I've made it worse somehow. Help. You're very gross.

Oh, I understand. Yeah, that's me. We good? I'm really tall. Yeah, sorry, I forgot who I was there, but I'm the really tall person. You're the tall one, yeah. Yeah, you're the tall one Okay

Michael's got the beard Yeah And what's the other archetype we have? The farty one The farty one There we go, yeah I'm a tot Justuisen toot

The tooting was a bit much for me Farty Oh God Welcome back to Pottie, it's everybody It's lovely to have you It feels like we've only just gone I know to keep coming back around quicker and quicker

Yeah We only just did one of these bloody things, but exciting news, gentlemen. Exciting news. This is the week where we're reunited all three of us. It's happening. Michael Johnson, he's going to catch the boat for some reason. He's going to get the boat all the way around,

the wrong way around, the UK. Yeah. And then he's going to come back all the way across Scotland at the top there. And then he's going to come. Oh, he's already gone too far because he's gone to Scotland. So then he's got to go back around again. And now he's in the north-east. All the way back down to Bristol and then fly up.

Oh, right. And then fly up. Yeah. You just wanted to see the British Isles, didn't you, before they were all split up into different territories? It's the best way to see it going around the country on board, then back down, back up. It's just, it's, oh, I'm going to write a book about my travels, I think.

Yeah. And the book will be called, hey, look, it's that beach again, the Michael Johnson travel story. Oh, look, a little, chef. Are there any of those left? Sorry to go off topic already. like three. Yeah.

I always... Heston Blumenthor. Buy some. Oh God. What does he? Yeah. He served like snail ice cream in them and stuff like that. Oh, what a bell end.

Like, Little Chef's always been kind of mystical to me because they're essentially fancier Burger Kings, I guess, because they've got more expanded menu, but they're just kind of Burger King-y in style. I've had to go to Little Chef. They're like a chain of calves, aren't they? Yeah. Not that calf. Oh, dear.

Cafes, sorry. We can't use that abbreviation anymore. Oh, my God. Oh, dear. We've got to reclaim that, a chain of cafes. Little chef, bring in calf back. No. No, they're not.

No, they're definitely not. Absolutely not. Yeah, I've only been to a little chef once, and I remember it because I'm a food fan. I like to eat the food. I like to put it in my mouth areas and chew it and taste it. Like Kevin. And just like Kevin does, just like that.

and they had a thing called the Olympic breakfast which I've now come to learn is a fairly standard thing in a few places but that's a lot of breakfast it's just 26 miles of beans it's pretty much 26 miles of beans yeah pretty much otherwise known as a

Marath Heinz oh very good nice that was a bit of a stretch that one anyway what are we talking about oh yeah Michael Johnson after he's been to Little Chef he's coming up to Newcastle we're going to we're going to record some stuff for triple jump on the Friday and then on Saturday

we're coming back into the office we're recording two of these suckers so keep an eye out for a tweet asking for questions because we're going to need twice the amount that we usually do and at the evening on that stream in the fuck Jesus Christ

hello what help in the evening of that day the Saturday the Saturday night we're going to be doing a stream oh my God time is yet to be confirmed but keep an eye on social media and we'll let you guys know it'd be great to have as

many of you are coming along to hang out with us for a couple of hours and play some games and chat some nonsense. I've just realized where are we going to do it because there's not really room for three people in the triple jump stream set up. We'll make it work. We'll make it work.

I'll just sit outside the room while you two stream. That'd be a good thing. You can Skype in. I've come all the way up. You could go to Bristol and then just Discord us. Oh, that'll work. Yeah, we'll do that. Okay.

Yeah. So are you going to catch the boat back to Bristol or... I might cycle back. I feel like a bit of change. Oh, yeah. Okay, the stream will be on Wednesday then. You could go on a chuckle vision cycle four-wheel thing.

You know their car that they had? Yeah, they were selling that a while, a couple of years back. I wonder who has it. Oh, wow. Now, before we go any further, we've got some... We've got the Pod Squad. Oh, shit. Should we talk about the Pod Squad?

Of course we have. The amazing, incredible Pod Squad. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. The squad and your pods, look out. Look, everybody, make sure you check thoroughly through your meal for squads because they're podding it up in there. And, you know, it's a choking hazard, to be honest.

But not in this sense. In this sense, it's wonderful and it makes you feel really nice. Like autoerotic asphyxiation. It's that kind of joke. It's a good comparison. So if you would like to be erotically asphyxiated, as we do every week, you can go to streamlabs.com forward slash vidiates official and donate some money to the cause

if you fancy it we'd really really appreciate it just like these amazing people have the Pod Squad for this week we've got Gene Jacket 29 the Mekoneys and he says spelled phonetically this time or she

the Mekones Oh okay Katie Kins Lord Brotovic Kati Karen Kati Karen possibly My donation name Is another one

Alex H Bus Bus Bus Bus East Spurius Kieran Manson and sniper Griffin all of you amazing wonderful people thank you so much for donating

we'll give you a shout out at the beginning and at the end of the podcast if you donate before the next show that's streamlabs.com forward slash video it's official okay

are we ready let's fucking do this yeah let's start with a question this one's from our boy James Corrosion Audio at Corrosion Media on Twitter you've each been given five pound and free rein in a sweet shop

or what do you get and how sick will you be afterwards I thought this would just be a fun chance to explore the world of sweets I mean my favourite pick and mix used to be the white mice that are kind of white chocolate but in a weird way they're like a special exclusive to white mice white chocolate That's interesting because as I was reading out the question, I was thinking I definitely don't want any white mice in my mix-up. Oh, no. So I don't know if they're, I'm assuming they're dairy, but maybe they're just mostly sugar.

But if they're dairy and I still decide to go for them, then I'll be very sick, is my answer to that question. Oh, God. I'll be extra, I'll be bum-pice or something or. White mouse bum-pice all over the shop. Yeah, just white piss. Oh. Oh, God. No, that's something very different.

We're talking about autoerotic asphyxiation again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Right. Ingredients, sugar, vegetable fat, whey powder, wheat flour, emulsifier, less than thin flavorings. Way powder is milk, but I seem to be getting away with way powder, so I think I can still have them. Nice. Okay. There you go.

That's good. I was always a fan of, like, rainbow-colored things for some reason. I think it's just that very artificial, very. much invented in a lab flavor. E numbers. Yeah, that's what it is. Like about 50 different E numbers in one suite. Like the little rainbow bacon, the rainbow,

maybe, oh, it used to be like the pink and blue little gummy bottles. There's little fizzy, frothy. Yeah. Frothy is a good way to describe it, actually. Yeah, you had like a genuine froth afterwards. I can't spend five pound on that, though. What else would I get? I used to like milk bottles.

Oh, no. I hate milk bottles. I like those ones. Oh, I love the milk bottles. I really like Super Mix, which is the one. It's the Harry Bowes that has the little jelly babies in it. But it also comes with a couple of milk bottles, which I always just put in the bin when I'm done. Oh, you monster.

I hate them that much. It's not the same as the white stuff that you get underneath of the Harrybos. You know, like the fried eggs, which are actually... The foam. Yeah, it's different white stuff to that Oh, it's not the good white stuff No, it's the bad white stuff Also, incidentally, that fried egg

Some people say it's not supposed to be a fried egg It was supposed to be a flying saucer Rubbish What, no, and we've all decided it's a fried egg And now they market it as a fried egg But I've heard that Let me Google that while you continue with your answer I was just about to do that

You check up on that, that seems like bullshit Did any of you ever, like, have a daily ritual of going to the shop and getting a mix-up? That was, like, the best part of my dear. No, I didn't have a local sweet shop. Oh, we had one right outside the school, so I'd, like, I'd eat less at lunchtime. So on the way home, I could buy a bag of sweets and just ruin my health. That's the drink. That's what schools for. Damn right.

Oh, God. So I've just opened a new tab on Google, and, you know, it shows sort of your most frequently visited pages. Yeah. Three from the bottom is Lorraine's Bargans. Oh, no. I'm going to check on that site. Something else I really like is the gummy snakes. I feel like we've spoken about this before.

You know, you can get the, not the gummy worms, but you can get a snake that's like, I think, probably near enough a foot long. Yes. And whenever you used to go to pick a mix, it was like that seemed like the best value one, even though it probably weighed the most. Oh, I used to love those, yeah.

I think I lived on those through uni pretty much, which is why I'm the healthy man that stands before you. Okay, so I see why this has come about. It's because the fried egg slash UFO comes with Star Mix, which has, you know, it's got the little Harrybeau bear sitting in a space rocket on the packet. So I think the implication, like some people have always just seen it as a flying saucer,

because it's, you know, stars to the stars. Yeah, that makes sense. But it does also have hearts and gummy bears and, like, rings in it. And basically, there doesn't seem to be a consensus online. Like, people are arguing one way or the other. However, Harry Bowes did also bring out a pack where you can just get the fried eggs, and they're called Harrybo Eggstras.

Oh, lovely. Thank you, Mr. Harrybo. The little Harry Bear, that's his name, Harold, Harold Bear, is walking along with a chef's hat on and a frying pan with fried eggs in it. So I think Harry Bob answered the question there. There we go. Yeah, everybody stand down, okay? Related news, everyone. Katie Price flashes her bum in Turkey after stripping off her lingerie to her lingerie.

I'm sure whoever saw that was spying on her and, you know, just being a good human in general. this just in someone is being weird great thanks Lorraine is still selling her son's hamster just in case anyone

I hope she didn't send it to you know just like put it in a box send it to the courier waiting for a recipient because I don't think it'll be with us anymore

I hope she starts doing video messages that'd be pretty good I'd buy one yeah I'd buy one was she at Yogcom in the end I don't

well she didn't make herself known Her son might have been, you never know. I would pay her and Dave Benson double fee each to do a video together. Imagine that. Worlds collide. Shot in the front seat of a Persia 206. 2.06. Oh, Jesus.

I don't know what happened to my accent there. We're not doing a porno version. We're not, nope, nope, nope. Dave might be. Dave, think he's interested? Someone asks? No, don't ask. I think so.

Please do not message Dave Benson Phillips. ask if he's interested in pornography. Dave, would you do how much for a porno, Dave? Yeah. Oh, no, no. I don't want to think about that any more than I already have. Oh, no. It's got a lot of DVDs he can burn it on to, anyway.

God. Overrides finding Nemo. Well, there we go. We like various sweets, is the answer. We'd just, we'd spend five pounds on various sweets. And we'd all be sick. Yeah. So, so.

Would you all like another question? Would you like a thing? I quite like a question. Yeah, okay. Yeah. This one's from Bon Bon Bon Bon Bons. At Specter Zero One on Twitter. Right.

Tani Peter, Ben and Mikey, stranded on an island. Who resorts to cannibalism first? Michael. That's pretty resounding. Okay, Ben. Actually, no. Oh, Michael's vegan. Well, this is the thing.

I guess if I got consent from you before you died, like, if we just had a written agreement carved out in the sand, I'd quite happily eat any of you. Okay, I've randomized it. Oh, tiny Peter is the cannibal. There we go, according to the website, random.org. Oh, thank you. Oh, there we go. Peter, congratulations. You're going to be a cannibal.

Wow. What a fantastic answer. I'm sure that bon, bon, bon, bon, you know, I didn't expect such a vibrant and engaging discourse around their answer as that, you know? Peter was top again on the second one and the third one. Oh, and the fifth one. Wow. And the sixth one. Not the seventh one, though.

And the eighth one. And the ninth one. This is a bad randomizer. So hang on. Out of like nine, I was the cannibal seven times. Yeah, thereabouts. That's amazing. And the other times it was Mikey.

I mean, I really don't like vegetables, and there's not many fruits that I like either. What fruits do you like, Peter? Let's talk about the things you enjoy. Apples, grapes, mangoes. I don't have those very often, but I like the taste. You know, others. Banana?

No, not really. I like the flavor of banana Like when you get banana-flavored stuff I once had a cake, a vegan cake And they'd use banana instead of whatever That was really nice It tasted just very banana-y But

That's a problem for a lot of people There's the texture, isn't it? Yeah I'm very glad I'm not affected by that Because I fucking love a good banana Maybe I should peel it first The texture might be a bit nicer Oh, that's all the nutrients are stored in the skin

Yeah It's like the penis And all the spider eggs get laid in the bottom. Yeah. Just like the bum. God, Jesus. I don't like

bananas. She smike enekelehaft. You best very gross. I don't like bananas. Something else. You're very big. It's not going to help.

She's really condescending, isn't she? She is. I don't know what the middle bit is. I don't like bananas they tasted disgusting you, very tall. Oh, okay. Thank you. Is everything? I think it is.

Who would like to go first? I'd like to do a follow-up thing to something that I said I was going to follow-up on, but I wasn't able to because Dave Benson hit headline news. Oh, stop. that instead. So push to the sidelines was the funniest the funniest jokes of Edinburgh Fringe 2019. Yay! My favorite time of you. Now you may have seen the funniest joke because it was trending on Twitter at the time and so if you clicked on that trend you may have also seen a couple of these

other jokes but I've certainly not seen slash heard them all so we will we'll go through them all. I'll start with the funniest. I get that out the way now because, you know... Yeah, I'm ready to laugh. You've probably heard it already. So here we go. I keep randomly shouting out broccoli and cauliflower.

I think I might have florets. You know what? That's okay. Yeah? I think there's some funnier ones, to be honest, in this list. Oh, really? Yeah, I would say...

I give that one a solid 6.5 out of 10. Okay. Yeah. That's from Olaf falafel, apparently. Wow. What a name? Pronounce it. Orlaffle.

Pronounce it properly. Or laffal, laffle. Thank you. Right, now we'll go to the other end of the list and we'll go from 10 up to number two. Right, number 10. I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts.

I think that one's better already. That's way better. I mean, already we've beaten the 2018, the whole of the 2018 list, think that was a genuine land start yeah yeah fucking enjoyed that it didn't make me shrivel up inside no to be or not to be a horse rider that is equestrian okay that's not as good mark simmons let us down there come on mark it's going so well right this is from richard pulseford after learning six hours of basic semaphore i was flagging

Oh. I appreciate what he's done there, but I didn't laugh. What is semifor? It's where you wave flags to transmit messages over long distances. It's like a language. It's like a form of code. They use it on ships. Yeah, they use it on like cliff edges and ships and stuff like that, yeah.

I didn't know what that was called. There we go. It's called semaphore. Edgutainment, in a joke. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course. I'm really struggling to get out of it Adele Cliff No

Ross Smith Sleep is my favourite thing in the world It's the reason I get up in the morning Oh These long silences are I'm smiling But I don't think it's because I'm happy The next one's by Ross Smith as well

It's a double entry Come on A thesaurus is great There's no other word for it Ross, no. No. You're bad. Greedy.

You're a bad comedian. Bad, unfunny comedian. Yeah, it's decided. Right. I think this is, well, I don't think this is original, but it's an okay joke. It's Jake Lambert.

A cowboy asked me if I could have help him round up 18 cows? I said, yes, of course. That's 20 cows. Okay. Yeah. Okay. It's better than Ross Smith. It is, it is. Two-thirds of half films as well. Oh. Couldn't even do a good joke. Yeah. This is from Milton Jones, by the way.

Oh. TV's Milton Jones. What's driving Brexit? From here, it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh. You know, because he crashed his car. Oh. Yeah, okay. Yeah. That's a current affairs joke, that one. Yeah.

It's already kind of outdated because I think a lot of people forgot that he kind of can't. Yeah, I totally forgot about that. Yeah, definitely. And finally, other than Olaffaloff, Olaffle, Laffle, this is the funniest joke of the French, 2019. Okay, okay. Someone stole my antidepressants, whoever they are.

I hope they're happy. I swear I've heard that joke before Yeah, I think so They got me a little bit A little bit I don't know Nothing will top the Eaton one though I think that

I mean That's our verified winner for this year Yeah Well it was number 10 that one But yeah It's the best joke That's ever been told In Edinburgh

Do you know who judged these jokes Peter Let's see if it says Um Dave I want to know who these idiots are Dave the TV channel gave out this award.

This is the coveted honor Dave's Funniest Joke Award. Dave's a TV channel rubs me up the wrong way. Really? It tries really hard. Yeah, it does. It tries so hard.

I don't like their ads. It's always irritated me. Yeah, it's always so... Oh, look at me. I'm honking my nose. Ha, ha. Aren't I the strangest, quirkiest channel on the whole free view?

Yeah. Fuck off. Oh, geez. Luke Hale, sorry, Luke Hales, Dave's channel director, said, what a year it's been for current affairs and British eccentric. That's why he sounds like. What a year it's been for current affairs and British eccentricities. The comedic opportunities to be creative are endless.

And above all, we've all needed a good laugh in 2019. We've really enjoyed the great anecdotes and one-liners submitted this year, and we couldn't be happier to crown a laugh-a-laffle as the winner. of this year's Dave's funniest joke of the Fringe Award. Okay. Oh, good. Well, that's nice.

That's good for Dave. It's nice to doing something outside of rerunning top gear. Yeah. Maybe that's why none of these jokes are funny is because they haven't actually heard a joke in about 10 years. Yeah, it's possible.

God, Jeremy Clarkson was funny in 1997, wasn't he? I just Google Dave in the hopes I'd find some little nuggets of information. turns out at some point they aired a film called Anyone for Pennis Oh

okay That's nice Oh Penis specifically Penit Penis P-E-N-N-I-S Anyone for Pennis?

Pen-N-N-I-S Pen-E-N-E-N-A-Penneth Hmm Well thanks Peter That was educational Yeah wasn't it I do love the takeaway That was like

It's been a really shit year And so of the jokes yeah two of them were okay that's about as good as we can get now 2019 has been bad but at least we've got this this joke this will make everything okay yeah you can laugh at once

and not really again and that's it yeah watch Dave who would like a question me I would this one's from Big Nick at Nick RLC on Twitter.

You all go to sleep after a hard day's jogging and jumping. You awake the next morning in medieval England. What do you do? How do you approach your situation? Do you attempt to meet up? So, we're all, it's a shared

delusion. I guess. We're all there together. Delusioned. I think it's real. I think it's actually happened. No, stop it. Oh my God. No, it's not. I guess if we suddenly got transported back to medieval England, we wouldn't know we're all in the same situation. We'd have to cross paths. Would I be in medieval Bristol and then you'd be in medieval Newcastle?

Oh, no, yeah. Oh, God, Peter and I literally wouldn't be able to get to each other because we'd be on other side of the river. It must have been a bridge, surely. A bridge. A single bridge. Some bridge. Some kind of vessel.

Yeah, boats existed. Um, if, if I, if, if the three of us knew, I mean, yeah, Bristol to Newcastle is not easy in medieval times. Say, say it was when you're up this weekend. Yeah. And we're all sitting together on the sofa streaming. And then we get transported together. I think very much we would want to stay together and, you know, safety and numbers. Because, yeah.

I don't think a modern human would last five minutes. Put aside the fact that you'd probably catch some disease. Oh, God. You know, you know, even that aside. I just think you wouldn't actually be able to communicate very well because people would be speaking really weird English. Oh, God. You'd stick out like a sore thumb.

You'd have no decent skills. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it's when you get transported back to medieval England, you realize how useless you are. Yeah. I think I would probably stick out quite a lot because I would be something of a giant. Yeah, you probably wouldn't you?

I don't think there were many people over six foot in the 16th century. That might work in your favour. He could become king. I'm tall and you. I'm in charge. I don't know if I could if I could become king, but I think I could maybe ingratiate myself in some sort of society that would protect me

because I am a specimen. Yeah, exactly. Because I am a specimen. Different. Different. You might be able to join some kind of. a freak show. Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm all for it, as long as I've got food. The human giant! Wait, hold on. If we did start off at opposite end of the country, Ben, a walk in Newcastle, became a travelling freak. Maybe one day you could make your way down to Bristol and we cross paths.

And I'd be like, oh, Ben, I thought I was the only one. You'd be contending with pirates, wouldn't you, practically? I don't know what period, maybe a century or two later. I'm not sure. I'm sure there's always pirates in Bristol hiding down alley, whereas

If you got down, if you took your freak show down to Bristol, you could recruit Mikey as like the sort of the human windbag or something. The human wind bag. The fart prince. The fart prints. Oh, that'd be good.

I'll get like a full on costume. Oh my God, you could be the farthest formerly known as prince. I was going to say the queen of farts, but yeah, that's much. Oh, that's also good. There's a lot of good ones there. Yeah.

Christ. So many options. Peter, what would you do? I don't know, maybe just go and live in the woods or something. You'd be like the weird witch. They tell stories to their children about, don't go in them, their woods. Yeah, but I mean, even then I wouldn't be able to do that

because I don't know what you can and can't eat in the woods, you know. Well, we know now that you'd resort to cannibalism first, so I guess you could eat a human in the woods. True. I'd probably become, yeah, some sort of, like I'd ambush people on the road. and eat them. Oh my God.

Like a genuine goblin. Yeah. Even if they're carrying like, even if they're riding a cart that's like just full of apples or meat or cheese, I just eat the driver and the horse possibly.

And then... Well, that's what the randomizer said you would do. Yeah, exactly. Some sort of like Dick Etington. Absolutely, yeah. Seven out of nine Peters, according to our survey, would eat a person.

Well, I don't want to get your hopes up too much, Peter, but you would actually be inhabiting a time period where if you ran in the right circles, you could either build or have built for you a castle that future you would love to visit on a Saturday. Oh, my God, you're right. Yeah. You take along your blue Peter badge, getting for free.

You're amazing. I could send a message to like-minded people, like to my family or my, my fiancé, even if I died, you know, within like two days, if I was able to at least get to a dungeon in a castle somewhere and carve onto the wall, Peter loves you. Some sort of code word that they would know which Peter it was.

Then when they visit it, you know, hundreds of years later, I'll go down in the dungeon and on the wall, scratched in the dying nail marks on the wall of a withered canvas. They would see my last will and testament. Why would a cannibal get erected a castle? Who did they eat? No, I think I've got myself arrested and just thrown in the dungeon in the castle.

Oh, that makes sense. Ah, different timeline. Yeah. Okay. Well, Peter's in the dungeon then. My freak show's travelling south. We're going to grab Mikey, who's dodging pirates. And we're going to live to the ripe old age of at least 37.

Absolutely. Yeah. I think if that would be all right, We'd probably got inoculations against a lot of stuff that would hurt us and make us unwell, although, you know, the shit water won't help. Oh, God, you'd just be bump-pissing all of the shop. Oh, you'd be bum-piss-jonesoning, ever. Oh, no.

Oh, I don't want to go back to medieval England. I like it here. We've got electricity. Oh, there we go. That's beautiful. I think we'd survive incredibly well, as we've learned. Yeah. Yeah.

I might do my thing. thing. Whoa! Future Mikey here. So for my uh-thing this episode, I brought along a really awful Arthur fan fiction that I found online many, many years ago. Turns out I forgot to read it before coming on to the podcast with it and it covers some pretty, pretty horrible themes and subjects, you'd be surprised to know. So I think a few people who are upset by that and I'm genuinely really sorry about that. So what I'm going to do is shove my thing to the very end of the podcast. I'll include a little warning at the beginning. So if anyone who wants to turn off, can turn off.

Otherwise, enjoy the rest of the podcast. Chloe Elizabeth at O'Fruitcake on Twitter. Did you ever have any unrealistic job aspirations when you were a child? Even jobs that are possible to get, but require way more effort and time than you realize when you were little. Mine was a ballerina, then an archaeologist, and then making games of a Nintendo. but not so unrealistic

yeah archaeologists definitely you can do that you just have a you go Chloe Elizabeth I believe in you yeah you don't need anyone

to tell you you're an archaeologist just be one just go outside dig some holes brush it off archaeology yeah simple

I remember once as a kid I think we asked this question in like primary school or something and the kid next to me replied I want to be a robber oh love it

yeah I'm not sure what Well, our boy Daniel's up to now, but hopefully he's not Robin. Yeah, Robin. Just busy Robin. Matt, man, I'm Robin. I always wanted to be an animator, I think, as a kid. That was like my main drive. Okay.

But that's, well, you're doing it. Still an animator, but I got lazy and just, you know, became an animator light. Hmm. I, because I, back when I had a thing called free time, I used to just spend every night making little animations. I was like, oh, I want to do this for a job. and I kind of did for a while in a way but not the way I imagined it as a kid

yeah well your YouTube videos you used to make oh god yeah as a young man fantastic astonishing yeah I just I just wish I had the time if just give me a month I want to put me in a room want to see what I'd make

I think that'd be quite interesting I want to see that too everyone crowd fund a month's salary for me and we'll see what happens we'll lock Michael oh chapter three Well, lot of Michael in a room with just a camera, a computer

and then just a massive box of props. And a green screen. Yeah. Oh, no. You'd do anything with that. Be unstoppable. And a stack of DVDs in the corner on the green screen.

Always, of every shot. Maybe, yeah, I would just open a video message service online. Yeah, you should. Get a message from the man in the box. Oh, yeah. I wanted to be an archaeologist. Oh, did you actually?

Yeah. I thought Time Team was fascinating. I love, I loved the idea of like digging up Roman pottery and stuff. Yeah. That's what I wanted to do. But I literally never pursued it or looked into it in any way. Yeah. So there we go. Yeah, really, really hit hard on that one. I think as a kid, I really wanted a metal detector. Oh, yeah. It was like a long period of my life. I was like, I want to, I want to go outside and find metal in the ground. But I think the ones I was looking at in Argos probably wouldn't be very good. I had one of those

Oh, did you add Oh, you motherfucker We're living my childhood dream Yeah, I got one for one of I think one of my birthdays And my mum Like buried some coins in the garden That's very sweet

Yeah That's great I don't know what happened to it I think I've either got bored of it Or it broke One of the two Oh, poor thing I went through like

phases of wanting to be one thing I mean I guess a lot of kids do Of wanting to be one thing And then another I definitely had an archaeologist phase that's quite a popular dream career then it seems yeah i think it is up there there's like certain ones for us uk kids probably europe as well i can't speak for other other nations or areas but you know growing up surrounded by so much ancient history yeah that makes

sense yeah it's quite inspiring yeah especially if you go visit lots of that stuff when you're a kid I could have maybe found my own message carved on a wall from medieval time. That would be amazing. What's this in this dig site, Peter? Well, it appears to be the scepter of some kind of freak show, crown of some sort of farty prince, maybe. Yeah. I also, I wanted to be a vet for a time. Oh, that is because I really liked animals, but vets have a massive suicide rate because basically

it's the people who live animals want to become vets and then they spend all day shooting horses. Yeah, that's what vets do. I don't know if that's quite right. It is. That's what's in the job description. That's crucial skills.

Good aim. That's why when you take your cat into the vets, they go into a locked room alone with a cat and I don't know what to do with this. It's not a horse. I can't shoot in the face. And so they just kind of fumble around for five minutes to come out and say, yeah, cat's fine, home. I think what they do is they take the cat into the back room. They shoot a horse and then

bring the cat back out again and then give the cat to you. Oh, that's it. The elements all sorted. Yeah. They've got loads of horses just for that. Not even sick. They're just raised them. Yeah, they've got their own little horse farm just to shoot them. Oh my God. Where do they shoot them, Peter? What? Why did they shoot them? No, where? Where? In the head? Just in the head every time. Yeah. God. Because I thought if you could shoot it like in the leg or something you could get way more way more out of a horse

mileage would be a lot better well that's the point though is that when a horse breaks a leg did you know this you can't cast or like you can't do anything

to a horse's leg to help them mend a broken bone so they get pneumonia for some reason and they die basically as a general rule I'm sure like occasionally some of them pull through

but as a general rule if a horse breaks the leg, it gets like an injection. They put it out of its misery because you just can't deal with a broken leg. I'm just imagining they shoot it. At like a horse race track, a horse falls over, it's in pain. They bring up like the little curtain and then you just hear a gunshot. Just the loudest gun.

That's literally what they used to do. Oh my God. At like old, before they started in, I guess they inject them now. They must do. But like not so long ago, they used to bring the curtain up and then just shoot it. Maybe not with just, you know, a long-barreled rifle. They might have had like either, you know, a little handgun or they might have even used some sort of special device,

like a nail gun or something. Oh, God. That'd be like a great puppet shadow show, wouldn't it? Oh, God. It's halftime entertainment. Oh, geez. Wikipedia says it's called the horse cannon. Oh, my God.

No, it's not. It's not, Michael. It's not. It's okay. Damn it. come on they used to wheel out the horse cannon

in the 19th century and then they would take the horses out with that you could take two or three out in a go nice just line them up so in answer to your question I briefly wanted to be an archaeologist digging up horse bones

and then I decided I wanted to kill the horses instead for a time oh you want to be the one putting the bones in the floor for the people to find so it's a circle now I edit videos together

of horses being killed constantly it's a good thing you didn't chase your dream To be honest, I don't often say that to people, Peter, but I think you should stay in your lane. Yeah. We did do that, prove it where, or sorry, it was a piece of cake.

Which prove it was there? Oh, yes, you're right. A piece of cake where I had to run horses off a cliff, remember? Yeah. I do remember that, yeah. My mother was not pleased with that one. Oh. She was like, oh, Peter, we went to so much counseling.

That's a we thought we were over this. Yeah, she was disappointed. Don't trying to murder those horses. Ben. It's okay, mum. They're not real. They're not real. Or are they?

The real in Peter's head, though, and that's the worrying thing. You know how they got it so realistic? At Rockstar North, they've just got a... They got access to the same horse farm that vets do. Yeah. Every single time you kill a horse, they kill one. Real estate North. It's true.

That's a true thing. Well, Ben, I've got a thing. Would you like to present your thing to the people? I know what it is. I would. I know you do. I sure hope it does. This is a follow-up. up to last week's a thing. Oh yeah. So this is the vidiots, the Vidiates games, which is our

hunger games. Yeah. We're about halfway through currently. I'd like to thank Adam underscore Warlock at Adam War 4549-5109, who is a woman and who kindly brought this to our attention in the first place. I'm going to paste the last scores that we had in the chat there. So currently, The People Still Alive are Peter Austin with two kills Ben Potter Richard Michinko Michael Johnson with two kills

Dave on Twitter Miley Walrus Milo with one kill Barbara Pierce with one kill Cheggers with four kills Dave Benton Phillips with one kill and Dom That's who we've got

A good bunch there Are we ready to find out what happens next on Vidiot's games Yes they're ready Night three Richard Michinko Dave Benson Phillips Barbara Piss and Milo

Track down and kill Dave on Twitter No! The bastards! The tucks! Dave is dead. The tucks? They've tuck in me life. Dom receives fresh food from an unknown sponsor.

Michael Johnson goes to sleep Cheggers stays awake all night. Thinking about the lives he's slaughtered in the trials so far. Thinking about the time he did Naked Jungle. The worst career move of his life. Miley Warris kills

Ben Potter with his own weapon. Oh my god. I'm dead, which means I'm gone. I can't even read the same. Shit. Oh, well, we'll never know who survived. That's it. It's the end of everything. That's it. Anyway, that was my thing. We'll never know what happens next. Peter Austin thinks about winning.

All the time. It's the end of night three. The feast. The cornucopia is replenished with food supplies, weapons and memoirs from the tributes families. Dom decides not to go to the feast. Miley Woolrus, Barbara Pierce and Richard Mijinco get into a fight. Richard Mijinco triumphantly kills them both. Wow. Richard with a double kill there.

Peter Austin decides not to go to the feast. Milo bashes Cheggers head in with a mace. Nice. Now that's the Milo he wanted to see. Michael Johnson stabs Dave Benson Phillips in the back with a trident. My God, Dave, I'm so sorry. Oh, no! My back's been hit. Milo, oh, we're on day four now.

Milo forces Peter Austin to kill Dave, sorry, to kill Richard Michinco or Michael Johnson. Oh, no. Peter Austin decides to kill Michael Johnson. You, brother! Why? Why? Mikey. They can be only one.

So I win out of the vidiates. Yeah, well done. Yeah, you're the last vidiates standing. Currently. Maybe that's why I did it. Dom searches for a water source. Here are the fallen tributes for day four. Seven horse cannon shots can be heard in the distance.

Dave on Twitter, Ben Potter, Miley Woolrus, Barbara Piss, Cheggers, Dave Benson Phillips, and Michael Johnson. Heroes, the lot of them. The last villains standing are Peter Austin with three kills. Dick Mycinko with three kills. Milo with three kills. Oh my God.

And Dom, who is still alive. I'm not scared of Dom, but Dick Michenko has military experience and Milo has purge experience, so I'm in trouble here. I'm in trouble, tab. Night four. Milo sees a fire, but stays hidden. Dom thinks about home. The bungalgo.

Poor Dick is dead But the other dick, Demo Dick, Dick Mijinco, is unable to convince Peter Austin to not kill him Oh my God, no way So you got Demo Dick to beg for his life and you killed him That's right, that asshole still twitching I hope you quoted his own words at him As you killed him That's right, no do you know

Day five. Milo tries to sleep through the entire day. Same. Peter Austin thinks about home. Dom injures himself. How is he still alive? He's done nothing. He slipped on homemade creamy muck-muck.

Arena event. A cloud of poisonous smoke starts to fill the arena. Dom survives. No. Peter Austin and Milo agreed. to die in the cloud together. Has Dom won? But Peter Austin

pushes Milo in without warning. Really? What? You killed Milo. Oh my God. What a turn. It's me and Dom. Oh no, Peter, don't do it.

You can't kill him. I think Dom's going to win. I'm convinced there's going to be a come from behind victory. Two horse cannon shots can be heard in the distance. Dick Michinko and Milo are today's fallen tributes. Wow.

As we go into the final evening the last two left alive are Peter Austin with five kills and Dom who's there who's thinking about da bungalow Night five Dom cannot handle this circumstances and commit suicide The winner is Peter Austin from District 1

Yay To be fair I think that's the best ending we could have had I wouldn't want Peter to kill him Oh my God. I have literally never laughed while saying committing suicide before, and I do apologize if that was in poor taste, but I hope the context makes it make sense. Oh, my God, that's...

There are places you can go if you need some help, but in this context, that was somewhat amusing. That was amazing. God, what a good ending. Yeah. Yeah, and we should point out that the one that was run on Twitter, Mikey won. Yeah. Yeah. Mikey won the one on Twitter, so you can go check that out if you want.

Here are the final placements. Would you like to hear where everybody finished? Yes. I didn't do very well. Peter Austin, winner, five kills. Dom, second place. Milo, third place, three kills. Dick Michinko, fourth place, three kills. Michael Johnson, fifth place, three kills. Dave Benton Phillips. Sixth place, two kills. Cheggers, third place, four kills. Barbara Piss Hang on, it says third Oh, there's a lot of people in third place

This is confusing Oh Oh, is it done by kill count rather than by No, it's actually not That actually makes Zero fucking sense Is it just the order they died in? Don't think so

Maybe you get points for How long you survived And also points for No, I think this is It's the order in which they died You've been reading them order that they died, but you suddenly got to Barbara Pissor, whoever it was, and now it's same third place for her. Oh, Jesus. It's weird. That's a mess. I'm not entirely sure what that

is. But anyway, Peter Austin is the winner. It's all that matters. You did it. Wow. You did it, man. What are you going to do, Peter? Now, you've won. I'm going to eat all the bodies. I don't think that's how it works. I think you get your freedom. No, that's why it's called the Hunger Games, isn't it? Oh, no, you're right. You eat all of the fallen tributes. Well, you would know, you won. Yeah. Delicious. Congratulations, Peter.

Thanks. King of the Vidiates games. You really deserved it. Wow, there we go. That was amazing. Thank you, Ben. I've got any questions left. Thank you, Ben, very much for that.

You're welcome. I got one last little question from Phileen H-A-K at Silog on Twitter. For supposedly more advanced civilizations, Why do European and Americans still use toilet paper? Use water, for God's sake. I just want to talk about bidet's. B'dase? Yeah.

B-days, yeah. Like, in concept, yeah, they sound great. I agree. Using dry paper to wipe up is not maybe the best thing in the world. But for some reason, just splashing water on my bum bum doesn't sound appetizing at all. Doesn't sound hygienic. It doesn't sound safe. do they have

I mean they don't I know the answer to this question it's a stupid question like if they had like a little bummy hand dryer that like put hot air on your bum when you were finished

I'd be a bit more interested but like the fact that I don't want to soak my bum and then pull my trousers up like what why why would I do that yeah have any of you ever used a bidet I haven't have you

I'm really angry at myself because he used to go and hold it to Spain as a kid and there was pretty much always a bidet in the hotel there and I never used it. I've never come across one since. There used to be one in one of the houses. Someone in my family had one that I don't think anyone ever used.

I think it just came with the house or I don't know why it was there but I certainly never heard that anyone had ever used it. It's just I think my grandparents have one. And I've tried to use it a couple of times over the years. Yeah. But I don't really understand how it works. I don't think it's certainly not the kind of ass cleaning technology that question asker is referring to.

I don't think. I think the versions that are available to us are probably quite archaic and not very effective maybe. They're not like special Japanese magic toilets. Oh, I'd love one of those. Oh, yeah. I'd like to try one. Yeah.

Did he just refer to the UK and the US? Because I think it's most of the world. Yeah. that doesn't use a bidet That's interesting I just really Does any, okay If anyone knows where I can find

The nearest bidet at Bristol Let me know Even if it's your house I'll come around and use it for a bit Bidist Bidist I'm just googling how to use a bidet And it's just terrifying

Because once you sit down You can't look where that tap's pointing You don't know where it's pointing Might go right up the hole Oh dear me You might get an en there Oh God It's not a bad thing

nice and clean I've got an uncle well he's my great uncle actually who he's basically like a chuckle brother in that he has had so many jobs

he's like it's like a new job every day like Dan the van sorts him out with the new job kind of thing each morning he's worked in like a diamond mine he's been a songwriter he's been he's worked on a fishing trawler

for like six months in the just in the middle of the ocean he's been like a gardener and a painter and just loads of stuff and he spent some time in South Africa because he travels the world a lot as well and in South Africa they had B-days and he got used to using a B-day and this guy I hasten to add is

an idiot and he won't mind me saying so not that I'll ever hear this but like he's he's like a walking disaster area he's just one of those people who almost like buildings down when he walks past them kind of thing. Just everything goes wrong for him. So he's like a chuckle brother, he is literally a chuckle brother.

So he got used to using B-Days in South Africa and then he came back, I don't know if it was back to Britain or somewhere else in Europe or like over in America, but he was in a non-B-day country. And he was in this toilet somewhere and he'd been for a shit and then decided, Oh, there's no B-Day in this country. So what he did was,

he took his trousers down and sat in the sink, right? Oh, God. And turned the taps on. Unfortunately, the sink then came off the wall. And all the water just started spraying out. He's got his poo-y bum, and he's like, oh, jeez. So he had a wet poo-y bum and then had to, you know, go and find someone to say, hello, the sink's come off the wall

because I sat on it. Uh, you're going to have to turn the stock cock because there's water spraying. God, that's actually kind of terrifying because the mid, like, is it, what's it? Sinks are made from ceramic or something? No. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever it's made from, when it shatters, it becomes, like, incredibly sharp.

Oh, yeah, porcelain, yeah. Porcelain, yeah. Yeah, it's, it is like dangerous to go anywhere near that stuff. So he's, he got off pretty lucky there with a bit of embarrassment. Jesus. I, I just Googled how to use a bidet, and I'm looking at the, WikiHau article. Oh, not the wiki-how. Has it got weird illustrations? Oh, you know it does. Not that weird. The weirdest bit for me was going down to the community questions and answers

section and seeing a question, can I use my bidet to bathe my baby? Oh my God. No. No. Abigail replies, absolutely not. Besides bideters are riddled with germs and bacteria, do not bathe the baby in a toilet. Advice for life. No. Don't do that. God. Apparently, a lot of badeas have, well, some have little dryers built into them, so maybe that makes it more appetizing. Yeah, I'd be slightly more interested in that, yeah, if that was the case. But still, I don't really get it.

I need someone to show me how to use it. Because do you have to, yeah, I mean, yeah, I need to know how to use it. But do you have to, like, sort of scrub with your hands? Oh, God. I hope not. I don't know if just, it might, it would have. have to be like a fairly strong jet for you, you know, to be confidently clean, like, you know. But then like if it's too strong, that's just going to cause mayhem. Oh, you fill it, do you? I thought it just sprayed you. I'm looking at these pictures. Yeah, see, I thought it's

sprayed as well. That's maybe why I've never been able to work out. Is that, do you just dump, dunk your bum in it? Oh, imagine the water. That's just a, that's just a shitty bar. Wait, okay, I'm going to quickly look at a video. I'll skim through it. God, because some of the illustrations I've seen show it as a jet that sprays directly into your bot bot. Yeah. And then some are just sort of like hover near the tap. And it's like, well, how am I going to get the tap to spray at the angle I need it to? And then some of them are fill a shit bath.

I don't know which one is which, but none of it sounds massively convenient because you're basically having to hover. You can't actually sit down. Yeah. I don't agree that when you think about it, toilet paper seems archaic in some ways. And it hurts as well if you do it wrong Yeah But it's like

You know What are the alternatives I mean wet wipes If we could all just wet wipe From now until forever That would be great But I don't think that's very economical No

That's how we made the fatberg Oh no Yeah Yeah God Okay so it looks like it is like a jet That's just a weird illustration Okay

I Well my grandparents' one just has a tap So I don't really know How that works I think some of them have a jet and some of them you do have to do a poo bath. Oh. I don't like the idea of a poo bath.

You do a little wiggle and you're all clean, I guess. No, no, you're not. You've now got pooey water on the underside of your legs. You just spread the poo around your bot, bot, bot, bo, bo. Oh, my God. What on earth is that? That's from a BuzzFeed article. I just sent a picture from the article titled,

I cleaned my ass with a bidet and this is what happened. So Google that and you'll find the picture. We were also horrified to see. went onto their ass? Is that what's happening? It looks like it, doesn't it? And why is it brown down there? Don't like it. Oh, God. Okay, I'm just going to move on. Thank you very much, everybody, for the questions

and thank you for the things. That's it. Just keep typing. I don't want to see it. I can't type anymore. Keep going. You've been banned for spam. Where it is, it's gone now. We all just had to type to push it up the chat. We didn't want to see it anymore. Thank you so much for listening, everybody. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for bringing a Badaer question.

Shut up, Michael. You've done enough. If you want to support us financially, which is the best way to support us other than listening, obviously, because we do this for free and your support goes straight back into the show and pigeon tattoos for Michael,

which are really important. Store.orgscast.com if you would like to look at some merchandise, I believe there's a discount code, Michael. Use code Vidiots for 10% off everything. Everything. Everything on the Yogskast. store. Whatever your heart wants

and if it's on the OXCast store, you can get it with 10% off using Codd Vidiates but please do just buy our merch. Please do. Please. Nice. YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, all.com forward slash Vidiates official.

And Twitch.tv.tv. That's where we will be streaming this Saturday with Michael Johnson after he's taking his boat trip and his cycling trip and his flight or whatever it is. that he's doing. We will be streaming all together for the first time since probably

Jingle Jam last year. Wow, yeah. So it's been a while. It's been a better part of nine months, maybe more. Could have had a baby in that time. Could have done. Could have done. Yeah. But we didn't. No. None of us did.

If you'd like to help us buy a baby, though, you can go buy some merch. Alternatively, streamlabs.com forward slash vidiates official. If you donate any amount, you will get a shout-out. at the beginning, and at the end of the show, you will be part of the Pod Squad for that week. And the Pod Squad for this week, of course, is Gene Jacket 29, The Maconies, Katie Kins, who very generously donated, I must add, Lord Brotovic, Katty Karen,

my donation name, Alex H, Bus, Bus, Bus, Bus, E Spurius, Kieran Manson, and Sniper Griffin, who also donated very generously. So thank you so much, everybody. If you want to be part of Pod Squad, streamlabs.com forward slash video. official, guys, is there a mystery question? No. I'm looking around the room. Is this going to be a week without a mystery question? I've got, I don't know how I can make a question out of this, but I'm just looking at my screen while you were doing the outro, Ben. And I've got some cellophane on my webcam that I can peel off. I'm really excited about it.

See if it'll make a noise. Hang on, before you do it, Peter, I accidentally missed a bit of the outro. Oh, okay. And I don't want you to do that now, and then we've got to go back to the podcast because it would sort of take the wind out of your sales a bit, you know? Sure. So, Michael.

Hello. Where can people find what you do on a weekly basis? Oh, God, just all over the internet, but mostly just at Pariboy and Twitter. That's why I put a lot of my stuff. Nice. So it was love it. If you'd like to find Peter and myself,

we're over on YouTube at YouTube.com, forward slash team triple jump. That's also the same on Twitch and Facebook and Twitter. We do all sorts around here, don't we, Peter? We do some familiar ex-vidiates formats. We do Rules Boss challenge show, a piece of cake style thing.

We do worst games ever. We do prove it. It's amazing. All your favourites are still there with a shiny new coat. Vidyts isn't dead. It's just changing. We can just afford to do it now

at a different venture. Hooroh. Peter, peel that camera. Peel that camera. I did a tiny bit before when we were talking and it seems like it's going to do it silently, but let's have a listen. Oh.

That was a quickie. That was just the end. Well, no, I was peeling it for a lot longer than it sounded, but that was just the last bit coming off. Oh, wow. Well, there we go. That's everyone's question of the week. What I would like for people to do

is spell that noise phonetically. There we go. that's good how do you spell that that noise thank you very much for listening everybody uh who had kevin again oh it's me it's me is it you and mike okay yeah oh he's just he's looking for more peanut but i'll get him over kevin come here okay put that down put the dog down don't know why's the dog in here come on kevin right he's here he's here if you have for your tea kevin put up i'm trying to think of a dog pun what sounds like garlic Chihuahalik

That's not very good Chihuahuaic and ships Chihuahua'uilic Oh dear Okay Kevin come on open your mouth For the nice people at home They want to hear it Oh he's coming

Oh there it is So nice Fantastic Thank you so much for listening everybody Remember this Saturday We'll all be streaming together Times to be confirmed on the social media Thank you everybody

Anybody guys Anything else they want to say Got an extra 50s worth a dog. Whoa! Future Mikey, yeah again. So now it's time for my a thing. So I will give you, gee warning. This fan fiction I'm about to read out does cover some pretty explicit themes and subjects, including sexual assault, which I think is not exactly great.

I didn't realize this when I first, like, pulled the thing out. I misremembered it from years ago. Didn't realize it was quite as disgusting as it is. So I apologize so much to everyone who was upset by it. If you haven't already heard it and you think it might be upsetting, I advise turning off and watching some videos of some kittens, something nice, anything but the horror that I'm about to read. Thank you.

Go for it. Your mind if I do my thing? Do it. I don't. So this is a piece of literature It's a very important piece of literature to me It's been in my life for about eight years or so And for a while it was lost

I think I don't want to spoil what it is But at some point it was lost And for years I would search And I would search to try and rediscover this piece of art It was scrubbed from the internet And I had to do as much researching And piecing together as I could and then one day a couple of years ago

I was able to find it in his full complete work it's Rosie and Jim in the Tickle Monster Sadly not that beautiful I think literally I was like me and a friend used to talk about this artwork all the time so I would literally go into Google search quotes we had said to each other try and piece it all together and for some reason at some point like two years ago

a Facebook post posted like part one of this story and I had part two saved and like at that point the parts were able to rejoin and this artwork was able to resurface. Fantastic. The piece of art is an erotic piece of fan fiction. Okay. For Arthur, the TV show.

No. Oh no. Yeah, it's called A Rat of a Tale. And I think a couple of years ago, the site fanfiction.net. Scrubbed all erotic fan fiction from its website. So this was gone to the wind as far as I was away. It was originally written by an artist called Texas Ranger 69.

And so in his honour, I created a new fan fiction account called Texas Ranger 70, and I re-adloaded it and put it back out in the wild. Good for you. So I would like to read it to you today. I would like you not to read it to us, but I don't think I have that option. Try and stop me. Yeah. Michael, is there any preparation that people listening at home should do?

Should we fetch a beverage or tissues? Some tissues, yeah. Tissues definitely in a bucket. Okay, can you give me a second? Yeah, go get your bucket. Everybody at home, pause. Get your bucket. Is that to jizz into?

What's that? Oh, God. I mean, it can be used for anything. That's the good thing about a bucket. It's so versatile. Yeah. Oh, Ben's rummaging around trying to find the perfect bucket.

He's got a lot of buckets. Yeah, he's got to find the perfect one. It's got to be right. It's got to be right. Oh. Oh, that sounds like a good bucket. Yeah, it does. Hello?

Right, okay. I've got a bucket here. I hope you can hear me. I've got some... There's some sponges, a couple of gloves, and some... and some cloths. Is that okay? Is that all going to work?

Oh, yeah, you'll need the cloth, so yeah, good shout on the cloths. Okay, I'm ready. A rat of a tail. Chapter 1. Arthur was a young lad of only eight years. However, this is not a story about our young lad, Arthur. This is a story of the man who gave birth to young Arthur. His name is David. David hated his bitch wife who never had sex with him. Yeah, it's like this. It's like this. It doesn't get any better. David hated his bitch wife who never had sex with him because she was a bitch, so he wanted to cheat on her.

I am not satisfied with my wife. Sexy David would say out loud, stroking his sexy, bald, sweaty head and stroked his bald chin with his hand and then penis. It's a mess, but it's beautiful. Don't touch that, you idiot. David's bitch wife would say to him when he touched himself, and David replied with,

fuck you, whore. Hang, I'm just got to get out. I'm going to get out of cloth. Yeah, yeah, it's getting a bit moist in here. The next day at school, young sexy Arthur got detention having sex with... Hang on, hang on. You can't stop him there. Having sex with what?

Sorry, with you. I just wanted to clarify who it is. We're talking about again? So, David is Arthur's dad, the guy who runs a catering business, if I recall correctly. Yeah, yeah. It's also an arthur. Yes. And now we're on to Arthur.

gave the next day at school young sexy arthur eight years old he's a child he's a child i don't i don't endorse a sentiment but it's you know it's like art like old statues had penises we don't want to cover those up we'd ruin the art so in this case i've got to read it out exactly as it is okay the next date's school young sexy arthur got to tension having sex with buster and the brain at the same time in the janitor's closet you're a piece of shit, Arthur. You're lucky I'm not killing you. I will call your father with this telephone. David picked up his shitty telephone that is shitty because his wife is a lazy bitch who didn't work so they had to buy shitty things. Hang on. Sorry, I just need to pipe in again. Yeah. Just got

buzz in real quick. Is it, is it his, David's his dad, right? Yeah. Yeah. So why is he saying that he was going to call his dad? No, Mr. Ratburn is now calling his dad, I think. Was Mr. Ratburn mentioned by name? He was. No, but that's my understanding. Yeah, it says David picked up his shitty telephone, but I think Mr. Ratburn should be the... I have no... I've honestly, I've never looked at this in so much detail. I didn't realize how much his story falls apart.

I'm assuming that David is on the other end of the phone. I think Mr. Ratburn has now called David. There we go, yes. So this is Mr. Ratburn calling David, David answers. Ah. Can I be... Can I be in it? Can I be calling David?

Can I be calling sexy David? Yeah, we can give it a try. Hold on. Okay. Okay. I just want to be involved. I can't copy the text. Oh no.

What the fuck? Oh no, it's okay. I don't want to read it out loud. I just want to be in the story. Yeah? I just want to be the person. Can you just say Ben called sexy David? Okay.

Yeah. Wait, I'm so confused. What's going on? I'm lost. And then switch back to Mr. Ratburn for the rest of the story? No, no. Mr. Ratburn is me now. Okay, Mr. Ratburn's Ben.

So, so. So you want Michael to now read an Arthur fanfic in which you have sex with David Reed? Well, we don't know. It's going that way yet. Well, I think we do. You might even have to have sex with the eight-year-old boy, if you're not careful. It's true. Sexy Arthur. Do you want... Okay, just leave me out of it. Yeah, you don't want to be implicated in this mess.

Just leave me out. David picked up his shitty telephone that is shitty because his wife is a lazy bitch who didn't work, so they had to buy shitty things. I am David. David, David said. Your ripe son is here with me in detention for being a sexy young homosexual, said Mr. Ratburn, or said Ben. Ripe son? Yeah, a very ripe son, a sexy young homosexual.

What is ripe mean in that context? I killed a cop, but why is he in detention? David demanded. No one asked, David, no one asked. You need to come to school to talk to me about the boy who should be glad because you think I actually killed him if you didn't get here fast today,

Mr. Ratburn said, let me reread that. You need to come to school to talk to me about the boy who should be glad because you think I might have actually killed him if you didn't get here fast today. That is my favourite Harry Potter. Harry Potter and the you need to come into school and... And the boy who... Harry Potter and the sexy young homosexual. The ripe.

Why ripe, though? Oh, God. Is that a thing? Are you familiar with Ripe in that context? I've never heard of anyone being described as Ripe. No, I don't like it. Don't worry, we're nearing the end of chapter one. It'll all be over soon.

Is there just one chapter? It's two chapters. Okay, all right. David was at the school five minutes later because his house was close and he won Olympics running. David sounds amazing. He's got it all. His wife's an idiot.

Where is my boy? David said. Ratburn stroked his sexy. rat whiskers and looked at David sexily like he wants sex from David. He is in the broom closet. I put him there so we can have sex. I mean talk, Mr. Ratburn said. I hate my wife and Arthur is a disappointment and DW is a whore who hosts orgies.

David admitted and started crying. David admitted. DW is a whore who hosts orgies, David. So it's okay, David, we've all done it. Ratburn licked up all of David's tears and put his hand on his crotch. I have loved you, my whole life, Ratburn admitted. I am David and I agree, said David. Right, okay, let's pause for a second here.

Firstly, this is incredibly forward thinking to sort of portray Mr. Ratburn as a gay carrying. Oh my God, I totally don't. put that together and also what is the name of Arthur's canonical dad David

is that what it is yeah okay well there we go I'll stop Googling it uh-huh you do want to get a picture up for reference

just look into his eyes while I read this out no I don't want to think about this anymore than I think Mr. Ratburn's husband might even be an ardfark oh my god

let me look that up but please continue chapter two exclamation mark Arthur kissed a mop suckling it like he did to his mother once long ago Oh God Oh God indeed

Arthur heard the noises of David's sex That I used to hear long ago When he was in bed And David actually had sex With his hoary mother God, commas would be amazing right now I hear sex Arthur said

Arthur opened the janitor's closet door and saw David sucking on Ratbone's nose nose, and Ratburn slapped David's ass. What the fuck is shit going down? Dad, that is not my mom, Arthur said. Fuck your mother, Arthur. This man is my love, David said. David stroked rock hard abs. Go away, you little shit, unless you want to join in, said.

It doesn't say it. Oh no. I think that's Ratburn, said Ratburn. I love when you talk to my son that way, David said. Then he made out with Ratburn and Arthur watched in a strange sort of enjoyment. This is really weird. It's been a while since I've read this. It's all kind of sinking in why I don't read this all that often anymore.

Mr. Ratburn's husband is called Patrick Ratburn. Pat Rat. He looks a lot like Arthur's dad, except he's got hair. And even is in the similar business. because apparently David Reid runs a catering business and Patrick Ratburn sells gourmet chocolates. Oh no. Rat Rick.

Yeah, Rat Rick. Oh my God. So I think they might be basically the same, but this basically predicted everything. Wow. Wow. There's a whole new life in this story. Yeah.

Watching his father make out with his giant rat teacher turned him on. And his Johnson grew up. from his pants. Oh, no. I'm, okay, I'm just going to read it verbatim because I can't interpret details here. Saw Arthur's Johnson and was turned on. I love your penis, Ratburn said in a sexy voice.

Yeah, me too, said David. Arthur blushed and said, fuck you, I'm going to make popcorn. Arthur was about to leave to his house until locked the door. Oh, God, okay, I really should have read this before I came in here today, but, oh well, we're going in with this, it gets worse.

Sexy David and has sex with Arthur. Shut up, son, and take it, David replied. Oh, dear. Arthur did, as his father asked, and when he was done, he let off a sigh of relief. I always wanted to do that, said Ratburn. My turn, David said. Oh, Jesus.

David had sex with his son, and Arthur said that he started to enjoy. It. I kind of enjoy this father. Arthur said to his father. Arthur's dad, David, finished and said it was the best sex ever. You are better at sex than your mother and I enjoy you more. She is shit in bed. Fuck her, that whore. Oh my God. I agree. Ratburn and Arthur agreed. When David and Arthur got home, it was late at night because they had so much sex with Ratburn and each other. Where the fuck were you, sexy boys? said Arthur's whole mother. Uh-oh, said the sexy boys. Will the sexy boys make up a lie to fool Arthur's mom? Will the boys be caught? Find out in Chapter 3, coming soon.

Oh, and it never came. And at the end there it says, bye Damien. Damien, thank you. Jesus Christ, that is awful. Filth. It really takes a turn. It does get a big dog. It really takes an uncomfortable turn in chapter 2.

Yeah. I think I found pretty much the person who wrote this I think they run like a Facebook meme page I messaged them because like I think that one of the earliest example like earliest places I could find this story was on a Facebook post for like 2011 and so I messaged the page and I said hey do you buy a chance remember writing this and they just totally denied it said sorry no idea what this is can't remember posting that so I think maybe they're a bit embarrassed of it but I don't know why

there would be. Why? Either that or you sent Arthur fanfic, erotic fan fiction to someone who hadn't nothing to do with it. Didn't look at it that way. This weird guy just like sent me this creepy shit that he wrote, some sort of conversation started. Ask me questions about it.

It's weird. Yeah, chapter three never came, sadly. I think that's probably for the best. Yeah, I don't really want to know where it would go from there. There you go. Oh, God. We need to put a warning at the front of this podcast now, don't we? There we go.

That was, that was, that was, that was, that was that. I think, thank you. I think I should never read that again. Actually, oh, wait, it's got, wait, hold on, I've just realized it's got two reviews. Oh. Oh, what, the one that you've put on? Yeah, the one I put up. Okay, so they're both from the same person.

First one is, I don't think I've ever seen a writing style quite like yours before. It works awesome for a spammy, spammy, nut sack story like this one, smiley face. Oh, God. and his other comment next chapter the boys go to the bath house that is gay of course see what happens next chapter

of this story here not sexual I like how everyone can you please ask that person if they would consider writing the third chapter god I might too yeah because I think you technically

own the rights to it now because it's public domain so you could just send it to them and say hey it's your turn to to wear the cape and cow yeah because the original author has you know

surrendered all rights to it by denying that they had anything to do with it at all. Yeah, so we've got to keep it alive and we're doing it through the comments and reviews of fanfiction.net. Hurray! Would you like a question to cleanse the palate? Yes, please.