Podiots - Podiots: Episode 51 - Trash Da Binshed

Episode Date: April 21, 2020

Peter has stories from living in a modern C-Virus world, Mikey's opened a doomsday bunker, and Ben's brought some Hannah Monfanna Fiction. Donate to get a shoutout and join the Pod Squad! - https://streamlabs.com/vidiotsofficial [IN THE INTEREST OF TIME, THE COST OF A SHOUT OUT WILL SOON BE RISING TO £3] New merch: http://smarturl.it/Podiots Twitch: Twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord:  http://bit.ly/VidiotsDiscord Ben and Peter's channel 'TripleJump': https://www.youtube.com/teamtriplejump Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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well I mean I'd like to be outside in that sunshine that you're talking about at the moment I'm shut up no only you can only look at pictures of the sunshine oh why do I have to socially distance from the solarly distance or something from the sun it's very good Yeah, because he's your son, isn't he? So you can't. And you don't live together anymore after the event, you know, after what you did. After what happened, yeah. The occurrence.

Happy episode not 50, guys. Oh, yeah. So we had this whole thing planned. We were going to fly Mikey up, record a load of stuff, and do episode 50 together. And then things got weird. Just a bloody pandemic happened Things just went really bloody strange So you know what we thought

Episode 50 Fuck that We can do that whenever we want So welcome to episode 51 We'll come back to it when we're ready Oh God How long is this gap going to be in the timeline for We'll figure it out

It'll be fine If this keeps going on for long enough We'll build like a bubble suit for all of us And we'll do like a bubble cam Webstream That sounds like a did Benson Phillips thing A bubble cam web stream yeah i mean it works for me because uh i i've planned something semi ambitious for my uh thing

for the 50th and i just kept putting it off and not doing it so what i'm saying is i really hope coronavirus just lasts forever that's definitely what i'm saying okay that sounds like that sounds like what you're saying it sounds like the kind of thing i would say let's face it's true and what you believe deep down you've got a phone you can't have coronavirus yeah exactly yeah is it something involving homeless people can you give us any hints uh oh almost certainly yeah what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna take their phones away no well yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna set set a zombie apocalypse go in and then take the phones away from those people who have phones and shouldn't do because they don't have houses and then just see what happens yeah lovely i imagine they'll die

but who's to say right yeah yeah that's part of the phone isn't it well that's why we're doing the experiment yeah yeah To find out, it's science, really, isn't it? It's not cool. No. So we will return to episode 50 at some point, but welcome to the next 50 episodes, 49 episodes, of the, of the poddy, it's podcast, the pod pod pod, pod. The second half of the century. There it is.

Those are the words. Podentury. Pentry. Pentury. There's no good way of doing it. The penitentiary. There we go. Sweet. Well, let's play some music and start the show, get the role on the show'd.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to Poddi. It's the official. Boom. Biddiots. Boom. Podcast. It's a conversational podcast where we take some questions from you at home and obey the law of the three uhs where everybody brings a thing along to talk about i'm ben hi peter and i'm mike all right boys it's been two weeks since you looked at me dubb da da budda buddha

harrison ford harrison ford harrison for harrison for harrison ford harrison ford uh how are we we good we all right yeah yeah fed we had a weird uh encounter last night. This is the most exciting thing that's happened to me in two weeks, so I'm going to talk about it. We went out to our bin area in our flats. It's like, you know, keep in a little bin area where everyone goes to dump the rubbish. And there was just a man

stood in there, and we were thought, oh, he's just a local resident who's come to do his bins. But he just continued to stand there as we flattened down our cardboard and put our stuff in the bins and he didn't move and then he made a joke about, I was flattening the cardboard really even doing anything. He went,

yeah. Oh, God. And then he continued to stand there until we left. And then we locked our front door the most we've ever locked it. Oh, Jesus. It's the bin goblin. Because he looked like just like a normal, pleasant little man, but he just stood there. You clearly interrupted his private masturbation time. Oh, that's true.

He can't publicly masturbate anymore. So he goes down to the bin shed. And then in comes these two earth warriors wanting to separate their cardboard, completely out staying their welcome and infringing on his wing room. his master binshin session. Oh, I do. Outrageous. You should go and apologize, really. I will. I'll go, I'll go give him a tissue and say, here you go, mate. You and Joe, you've earned it.

Oh, I've just realized trash to base. Trash to base. Trash to base. It's hard to say, though. Trash to binshed. Yeah. It sounds like something very different, doesn't it? Take the trash to bin shed. Oh, no, we've only going to trash the bin shed. Now, to rebuild that stuff. I'm not even going to finish that. That's stupid. isn't it? Christ.

A pokey bin wank? Oh. That's the best I could do. It's a bit graphic. That's great. I love that one. Yeah. Oh God.

I just... I've soured it, haven't I? Do you reckon they make greetings cards to apologise for interrupting someone's binshed masturbation session? Well, you can get what you like on Moonpig now. That's true. Blank for your own occasion. Whank for your own occasion.

Oh my god Welcome to 51 It's excellent We Would you guys like it No we're not doing questions yet We've got to do pods Sorry I was so thrown off by the wank

The wanker dot And wankedote Whatever it is Oh my for God's sake That I couldn't even remember what we did Hey did you know that some people support us financially I know Mad

Absolutely fucking crazy But these fine folks They're members of an elite organization called Pod Squad and if you donate over at streamlabs.com forward slash vidi, it's official, you can get a shout out at the beginning and at the end of the show. We are going to be changing it up ever so slightly soon though

and I don't want to all get concerned. It's just that we notice that this section, because you guys are so generous, gets longer and longer every week because you're mad. However, what we also recognize is that a lot of people are donating the minimum amount a pound several times in order to get several names. And that's great.

We love the funny names. We love the names. But in the interest of shortening the Pod Squad section ever so slightly, we are going to be upping the threshold to have your name read to three pounds. You heard it here first. Podietz is changing.

Pottietz is changing. Big money podiots. Now, Please understand that this isn't about getting more money. We can see who's donating and we can see the analytics and we recognize that some of you who are donating a pound want to get the funny names in. And we really appreciate that.

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They can pay three times as much. It's just about limiting the length. Does that make sense? I hope it makes sense. We hope it makes sense. We're not going to sort of bring that new rule into effect immediately because we're sure that some people will either miss this memo or it'll take a little bit of time to disseminate.

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It's really nice to hear Mikey having to read things out again. It reminds me of the good old days, the post-sum-tat days. Oh, me reading that letters, the painful pain. Here we go. we got some more Toy Story 3 was okay Tony Robinson

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It's time for a question. We start off with Trish the Dish at I Will Lie Wake on Twitter. You're entering witness protection and they're letting you choose your new name. What do you choose? Now before you say anything, I thought what might be fun is I've found a page of various names. name generators. Excellent. And I will send you guys the link. If you randomly generate yourself a name and then sort of invent a backstory for that new identity that you've got, does that sound like something you guys would be up for?

That sounds like a lot of fun. Okay. So in terms of different name generators, we've got character name, pen name, baby name, female name, male name, nickname, nickname, rapper name, cat name, pirate name. Oh my god. Fantasy name, blog name, hero name. And that's about it. Gaming name. Which one would you like out of those?

I would like, should we have different ones? I'd quite like pirate name. Okay, let me send you the link for the pirate name, Generator, Peter. So you can have a little go on this one. Uh-huh. Can I get the rapper one, please? You want to be a rapper. I thought you might.

Yeah. Okay, let's have a look. Where is rapper? There you are. God, it looks just like you in the photo. There you are, Michael. Thank you. Oh, wow, namegenerator.org.ukes. The hub for all name needs. For all name needs. You don't need to go any further.

I might go for a... I want a pen name, something that I would write under, a nom de plume. Oh, it's got various things. you have to fill in. Oh, this is like a little BuzzFeed quiz then. Yeah, so we've got to fill in our real name, Ben. Okay, we'll all fill in our forms. Yeah.

What was your, have you guys got the same questions as me? What was your first pet called? Mine was, my first question was your favourite TV character. Oh, okay. I don't have that. Mine's different. Mine has, um, I have to fill in some first names, some colours, some adjectives and a place. but I can give it, I can tell it to fill those in for me.

And then once those have been filled in, I click submit and it generates names based on those things, which is kind of strange. Okay. I can randomly generate those things and then get it to put them together randomly. Oh wow. So, okay, this is cool. I thought it was just like harvesting your information by doing that. Yeah. It uses the text you input to give you a name. Yeah, yeah.

A lot of them. Jesus. Okay, it's saying a positive adjective that could be used to describe you, I wrote. fast. Okay. It's way more involved than I was expecting. Something pretty gives me suggestions. I don't see why this is important, but there we go. Oh, my God, there's a lot of good names in here.

Wow. Yeah, mine are great. Okay, right. I'm now going to write me some pen names. Oh, my goodness. Okay. Who wants to go first? with their name. I think I've found a favourite of mine. Okay. Johnson, Wisconsin. Oh, excellent.

Brilliant. I think, yeah, Johnson, Wisconsin, obviously, last name Johnson. I did all my crimes in, no, I didn't do any crimes in Wisconsin, because we're in witness protection, so we're the ones who would have crimes done to us. Is that correct? You could still have committed crimes, though. Oh, that's true. Well, okay, I'm a criminal rapper. My rhymes are illegal. They're off the, I wouldn't make it as a rapper Watch me sew with my needle They're boofers The woofers

Yeah Johnson, Wisconsin I was driving through Wisconsin one day When Oh God The mayor of Wisconsin I'm sure they've got a mayor there He said to be

Michael I need you Mr Johnson I need you to run an errand for me And on the way to the errand I ran over his dog and it was a total mistake and now I am in protection from the mayor of Wisconsin

Oh my gosh Yeah that'll do And the best way to stay under the radar From the mayor of Wisconsin Is by calling yourself Johnson Wisconsin I just realized as I finished that I totally missed the point Right so Mikey may not survive that long in witness protection

We know that Peter how's your pirate life It's pretty good there's one name here that I've not chosen but I do just want you to hear it Damien, so it's first name Damien and the surname is all one word Understanding Parrot

Oh, fantastic I believe it was one of the I had to put in some adjectives as well as names and things and I think one of the ones that randomly filled in was understanding the adjective so it's now shoved that because one of the other suggested names is just the Understanding Pirate

which is nice However, I am hattie blonde hate I'm a female pirate I've had a sex change in order to truly go undercover What happened was I I stopped a silk

smuggling ring that was going on on the high seas of Stoke-on-Trent There's a lot of a lot of piracy out there, you know, people constantly shooting cannons at each other all the time. Yeah. And there was a lot of illegal silk smuggling.

Now, what I discovered was that the way people were bootlegging this silk and getting it over borders that they shouldn't have been doing is by putting it inside Josiah Wedgwood pottery from the pottery shopping center. So they were crossing the borders going, oh, no, look, I've just got a nice blue and white wedgewood vase. And they'd be like, oh, yeah, in you go. off you go to the neighbouring area of Manchester City Centre and inside they just shoved a load of illegal silk handkerchiefs

you know some real contraband there so I discovered that this was going on when I used to work there in a historic town on the River Trent and I'm now living out in the far-flung capital of Cardiff right you know really you know

just going from from port town to port town blowing up the local fort and stealing the treasures and things wow

this is all taking place in modern day though no one would ever get you no would ever find you that's a good cover because no one would expect a pirate

from you know 15 16 600 and some to 83, to be sailing around in 2020, Cardiff, when there's a lockdown on. So, no one's catching me. No one. It's genius, genius.

What about you, Ben? Who are you? It's given me all sorts of different varieties here. I've got general pen names, hard-hitting crime pen names. Pen names for romance novels, fantasy novels, and science fiction. Do you guys have a preference of which one? Because there's some good-hitting crime novel sounds cool. Well, you've got the choice of B.J. Fast Gun. Nice.

Potter Benblood. And Benny J. Murderer. Well, that one, obviously. Yeah. But also, big shout-out, obviously, to my fantasy alter ego. Bernard Chevrolet Potter. Oh, Chevrolet. And the science fiction writer, Beverly Uranus.

Potetron. Potetron. Potetron. That's amazing. Or Bear Pot bot. Oh! Not Bear Bot Pot. That would be better.

And apparently a randomly generated bestseller for Bear Pot bot is Uranus Wars. Oh. Brilliant. So I feel like I'm going to go with the hard hitting crime pen name, BJ Fast Gun. Nice. Yeah, it's good. It's powerful. I was crossed once at a supermarket, right?

we were both reaching for the last roll of toilet roll, roll of toilet roll of toilet roll of toilet roll and there was some pushing and some shoving and turns out that this person was in a rather large crime syndicate and I was in trouble and so I had to be put into witness relocation and now I live on a lake

in a little cabin all by myself where I write hard-hitting crime novels under the pen name BJ Fast Gun Nice And that's me I love it That's where I am now

I didn't realize I had some songs At the bottom of my thing So Johnson Wisconsin's known for I'm still Michael From the streets Hans Moleman

If you're ready And the story of Hans Moleman This is a recurring theme He's got a whole album A lot of Hans Moleman action going on You want to watch out on your lake Ben because I hear notorious pirate, violent Dennis, is operating in that area.

How is he going to get his boat into the lake? Well, I think he's working alongside Dion Cream Beard as well. Oh, my God. Yeah, you need to be careful out there. Luckily, I've got Bear Potbot to back me up. Yeah. Fantastic. Well, who has got a thing that they would like to do?

I've got a thing. Go on. So it's almost kind of a show and tell And I'm hoping that you guys will have your own things to contribute And certainly that the audience will too So I have just a couple of stories Of slightly strange things that have happened to me Since lockdown

That if I'd known, you know, like a month ago That this was going to happen and just be a thing I would never have believed that it was going to be a thing So it's two tales that I've alluded to On either on social media or on triple jump videos and stuff that I keep saying I'm going to talk about when people ask me about it on stream

and I keep not doing it. So the first thing, as you'll already know, I'm sure, is that I had to cut Amy's hair recently, which was as stressful as you might expect it to be. And she was asking me for about a week or more. She was saying, oh, my fringe is really long and, you know, I want all the rest of it, the same kind of length around the back and stuff,

not as the same length of as a fringe that would be really weird but she wanted the rest of it tidying up and she said oh please will you cut it will you cut it for me I won't mind you know I'm not worried about how you're gonna because she was like I'm not going anywhere so if you completely butcher my hair

it doesn't matter so she kept trying to convince me to do it and I eventually gave in and oh my God it was like way more stressful than I thought it would be in that the moment I started doing

she was like oh you know you just do what you know you think looks acceptable she has a lot of faith in you yeah well she just said you know here's how much i want off and as long as you cut that much off all the way around and make sure it's all straight like then you know you can't really go wrong but you just kind of do it sort of how whatever feels comfortable you know in terms of like using the scissors and the comb and your hands and stuff so it's like okay i can work with that and the moment i started just even combing her hair, there was immediate backseat hair dressing going on, which was... No, not like that. Yeah, not like that.

Hold it tight. No, no, no, no. You need to hold it tight in those fingers. Are you doing lots of little snips or one long snip? Here, give it to me. Give it to me. Exactly. It was pretty much that.

So that was incredibly stressful. And the best thing was that, you know, it erupted into almost a full, full-blown argument about halfway through. And I was thinking, you can't argue with me right now, because if, If I storm off, you're left with hair like this. So anyway, it happened. We did it. And it came out looking okay.

And people who she's seen in real life since then have said, oh, yeah, I wouldn't know that, you know, that hadn't been done by a semi-competent hairdresser. So that was all a bit weird, you know, but, you know, nothing too wild. But something else that happened that I don't even know if I've actually mentioned properly or certainly not to you guys

I think I might have said it on a stream is that Amy and I went walking this was about a week into the full lockdown in the UK we walked from the front door of my house just to like the end of the village where there's a big reservoir

that you can walk around and on the road next to the reservoir there were a load of cars there of people who'd driven out there to walk and I know at the moment or like certainly since then there is this kind of thing that some people are saying oh well actually you can drive for up to about five minutes to go and drive somewhere nice to walk like you know as long as you only drive for five minutes it's okay

but certainly back then no one knew that no one had been told that it was like walk from your house or nothing so people shouldn't have been driving there essentially so amy and I like walked around the first three sides of the reservoir just about to make it onto the home stretch and as we're walking along we saw this police car driving down the deserted road ahead of us really quickly and we're thinking oh I wonder where he's going it turned out he was going to us he'd seen us oh wow and he drove up to us about 40 miles an hour and then seemed to stop with his handbrake he sort of like oh my god nice badass skidded uh do you have a license for that well pretty much he wanted to ask if we had a license to walk effectively he wound his window down and he went you've not driven up here have you and uh i said no no no we walked and he went hmm you walked like that like really really suspicious he really didn't believe me so he went hmm you walked i said yeah i live at number you know i'm not going to docks myself but i live at number whatever with with my family just down there and he went right and then he wound his window up and drove away and

You know, it made sense in the moment. Like, he's making sure that people aren't breaking the law, breaking the law. But I remember thinking when I got back, like, how weird is that that I got stopped by a policeman who wanted to know whether I was allowed to be walking there? Like, what is happening? I mean, there's obviously much worse going on in the world right now than just being accosted by policemen. But, you know, within my own bubble, my own reality, what is happening? in the world right now that like I'm getting stopped by the police

because I'm walking. Yeah. Maybe he wants to ask you if you'd cut his hair. Yeah, possibly. Wow, she looks great. Would you mind? Did you do that? Or maybe it's the fashion police.

Oh, no. I don't know why he also talks like Simon Miller as well. It's just any authority figure. Yeah. Do you live around it? You didn't drive here, did you? I mean, that'll be okay, but at the moment it's not okay.

No, this guy was as far from Simon Miller as possible. was not, he was not positive. He thought everyone was out to get him or break the law. Mine Manila. Yeah. The Bill, Simon Biller. There is. Simon Biller, nice.

What about you two? There's anything weird happened to you where, you know, if you'd known, like, a month or so ago that it was going to happen, that you would think what, what kind of dystopian orwellian reality are we living in right now? Well, Mikey's Wankshed is. Yeah. Wangshed has won them. I don't know if that's a,

like a side effect of the current situation of he just kind of pops in occasionally any way and I've only just encountered him for the first time yeah we were debating last night when we came back in well should we go down and see if he's still there but I don't think I want to catch him in the middle of a man that's his private time isn't it yeah yeah I think the weirdest thing is like it definitely feels like we're living in well at least in the first week or so when everything went a bit ape ape shit and everyone was buying toilet roll yeah it felt a bit like we were living in like a Soviet country back in like the 70s and like everyone's queuing up we got ration out of the things got no luxuries yeah we went into the big

test go like no bread at all and I was so overjoyed to see a single can of chickpeas on the shelf wow oh my god what a world it was bad and like we we started queuing up and obviously the cues go literally around the entire supermarket and this this rude bitch pushed in the high away and just went straight to the self-service thing and the staff are all shouting and excuse me miss you can't do that miss get into queue and she's oh fuck up fuck off let me that fuck off oh wow we all kind of piled in and so you're so rude so consider it and she just kind of stormed out it's like oh good go ahead this is yeah this is how this is how society crumbles by weird cue pushes well that's the other thing that happened to me actually you should always

do things in threes if you can i was trying to think of a third strange thing uh i was I was kind of joking at the time but also there was an honest kind of I was being semi-serious too in that my mum about a week and a half into lockdown went to the supermarket to do

the shop that you still have to do unfortunately despite the dangers and when she was out there she found a I think it was a six-pack or a nine-pack of toilet roll that was just on the shelf and there was nothing wrong with it

obviously nothing obviously wrong with it. So she bought it. It was fine. And she put all the shopping bags in the boot, and she took the toilet roll on sort of in the foot well in the back seat because it's just a bit bulky. So she did that.

We drove back. And then she'd forgotten that she'd bought that and put it in the footwell because she just emptied the boot and brought the bags in. And then the next morning I went out to put something in the wheelie bin, and I saw that there was this toilet. roll in the footwell, and I genuinely, as I say, I was kind of joking, but I kind of thought, you want to be careful leaving something like that in the back of the back scene? You can't make your valuables out. Yeah, it's like you wouldn't leave your phone in there. What on earth are you

doing leaving toilet roll in there? God, it is crazy. That such sort of metaphorical value has been applied to toilet roll now. Yeah. Even though you can now get toilet roll and it's okay. Yeah, it's all right now. Forever be a value associated with it, and I think from now on. Yeah. We know what, like, if anything ever happens in future, we know what people are going to want first. Yeah. Yeah. Our role. First, they came for our roles and our freedom. Mine's the same as Mikey's, really. It was going to Tesco. That's my first proper weird experience that I've had, having to queue up outside along there. Because it's weird. I was at the Gateshead Tesco, the big one.

Yeah. And the queue there, because there's not really an outside for there to be a queue on, they make you cue around the little inside bit and then down the travelator around near the car park and then up the other travelator and then outside it's so it's like the world's worst theme park it's so bizarre and yeah it was just weird and then when you get in there it's quiet and you can just do what you need to do and get out and it was kind of amazing really but yeah it does kind of feel like it wouldn't be out of place to have, like, just silent military men holding guns at the entrance of the shops at the minute. Well, there was a security guy.

He didn't have a gun, obviously, but, yeah, it's just bizarre, weird. Fun times we live in. Yes, quite frankly. It's just knowing that, like, you know, in 10, 20, 30 years' time, we'll be telling our children or our, you know, our friends' children or whatever, you know, it sounds like such a grandma thing to say about, like, the war or whatever, but, oh, and I was, when I was, when I was young when I was your age we were in the middle of a pandemic and we had to we had to fight for toilet roll you know but there will be so many weird anecdotes that will be able to tell kids in generations to come that they just won't believe like oh yeah I got stopped by the police because I was walking and he wanted to know if I'd come from my house or not I can't wait to tell the story of the time I went to the shopping centre to do a poo because we didn't have any toilet paper in the house fantastic oh that's going to be passed down the john Johnson-Johnson lineage.

Excellent. Well, thank you, Peter. You're welcome. Thank you. We've got a question that isn't about the current state of the world. I think we've got a couple more in here that are in there. But here we go. You ready?

Yeah. Yeah. It's from Andrew Stinson at Andrew Stinson 20 on Twitter. I've just got my first university house organized with some mates, which got me to thinking. Did any of you guys have any first house nightmares that can prepare for my big step? Any weird things happen? you when you lived in a shared place at uni?

I'd be prepared to start to hate the people you're living with. Yeah, definitely that. Yeah, I think that's probably the biggest change. Just think, oh, it's great, I'm just going to live my friends. Slowly you kind of realize, oh, these people, it's not anyone's fault, but it's definitely little things that people do that you don't agree with and blah, it can cause friction, but it's best to, you know, talk through any issues, if they're big enough, or just, you know, kind of get past it.

or or hear me out live with at least one person who all of you were sort of indifferent about and then that way you can all unite against them and you're more likely to forgive your friend's errors

so that you can just go oh yeah but fuck that guy though yeah fuck that guy a really good idea just because that naturally happened in every house I went to it does happen but in my

in my first year when I lived in a shared flat in student accommodation, there was a guy who just left a full fish out on the side for over a day, like a full fish with eyes and everything, just on the side of the kitchen. Who even buys that? And another time, someone blazed it 420, but like big time, so much so that when you walked into the flat, it's all you could smell, and it had gone under everyone's doorways into their bedroom. So when I unlocked my bedroom door and went into it,

my room stank of weed basically and the police had to come around and have a word and nobody owned up to it for it owned up to it even though everyone knew who it was and it's just like oh man it's fun though that's uni stuff isn't it

I remember the first time I was in halls halls of residence at uni and I moved in we were all just randomly assigned obviously we didn't know anyone because it was first year and the guy who lived across the corridor from me was this

asshole like he was weird looking and he was a twat and he was kind of a bit of a socialite he'd not that this necessarily immediately makes you an asshole but in his case it did he'd come from a very wealthy background

he was a massive Tory and he had again this doesn't make you an asshole immediately but he had like cleaning staff in his house and therefore cleaning staff in his yeah yeah his house that he'd come from as in like you know his family home had you know maids and stuff and i think that does make you a bit of an asshole already i think that not inherently i think it might i think it might yeah yeah i think it does i mean if you've got a giant house you do need staff to help you clean it and it doesn't you know just because you've got a big house

You're not inherently an asshole, surely. No, they are all of them, every single one. The big of the house, the bigger the asshole. It's true. Yeah, yeah, it's science. There's definitely a trend, I would say. But I'm sure there's, I'd like to think there's one nice person. Hashtag not all big house owners.

Yeah. Yeah, I would say so. In any case, this guy was definitely a big house owner asshole. Yes. Didn't know, like literally just didn't know how to clean because he'd never had to clean anything in his life. and the absolute state I mean it's the same in every

whether or not you're living with the big house asshole I think everyone's halls of residence kitchen is just the worst thing but like it was just there were just piles and piles

and piles of plates and pots he used to buy new pots and plates because he couldn't be asked to wash his up what? Yeah and I remember one night there's been a big party

in our kitchen that I didn't want to get involved in because they were all all like big like heavy drinkers who if you weren't downing like 10 shots a night you were some sort of pussy. Possibly. I was like no thanks. I remember there's been this big party. They were like pre-drinking and then they went out. I went into the kitchen then after they've gone to like just get a drink for myself. A non-alcoholic beverage of course. Oh naturally. And there was just a bra on the table. Who's bra is that? I don't know where it had come from, who it belonged to.

And then that just stayed there for a couple of weeks. No one wanted to seemingly move it or own up to it. It was really strange. But the other thing, sort of strange thing that happened to me when I actually moved into a place with friends for the first time in second year. Yeah. We moved into this flat thing that was, it had seven rooms. And it was like, it was a sort of halfway between.

you didn't just like say oh well we'll have that flat and just deal with a letting agent it was like I think they were kind of subcontracted by the uni or something because we were a six and they only had a flat of seven

and so they just moved a seventh person in who we didn't choose which ordinarily that wouldn't happen if you just chose like oh well we're going to live in that would be a bit weird yeah it would be a bit weird but because it was something to do with the uni they moved an extra student in and it was this girl

who uh she she wore a hijab which is fine Jesus where are you going yeah I know well let me but I'll tell you I'll tell you where I'm going so that's that's fine uh however what's not fine is that um she obviously she wore that around around men um and I would be in our kitchen our communal kitchen and living room watching the TV and she she would always wear it during the day but after a certain time of night

I guess after she had like took a shower or whatever she wouldn't necessarily be wearing it in her bedroom and if she then came into the kitchen to like get a drink or something she would walk in open the door see me sitting there and then go and then like storm back to her room because she thought oh I'm going to have to go put that on now

if I want to get a drink which dickhead Peter how dare you be in the house exactly that's where that's what's not that's what is not fine about that I've got obviously no problem at all with people who wear hijabs and if they have to wear one around me I've got no problem about that at all but you know don't march into my

what is also my kitchen and sigh in my face when you see me because you've got to go back to your room and you know put it on which you know so that was an interesting thing that happened and I don't mind telling that story it always sounds like where is this going but I think when I get to the end of that anecdote people are normally like okay yeah no that's that's not very

socially acceptable. Yeah. We understand pizza. Thank you. You get this one, all right? This one. You get this one. Just this one.

Just this one. Don't bring up the Nazis again, no, all right? I'll try not to. I know you will, though, but... He's thinking about it. He's going to do it, though, is he? Oh, what's he going to say? Oh, he knows.

My God, I love the intake of breath whenever I go. So there's this girl I live with, she wore a hijab. Yeah, what? you got anything Mikey um i will i will say just please for the love of god eat healthily i think i definitely i felt it's easy to follow the bad eating habits because you know bad food's cheap and very easy to make i just remember like one day coming home from uni me my flatmate bought like a kfc bargain bucket but from aldi like their own version of it no and we put it in the oven and just it came out and it's like this is grisly and horrible and we just sat there

getting greasing our fingers as we plowed through it. I was like, this is nowhere to live. This is no way to live. Eat some fucking vegetables, please. I used to survive almost exclusively in my first year on. There was a, what is it, Sainsbury's local. And they used to do, and I'm not sure they do anymore. They used to do these big 16 inch cheese and tomato Sainsbury's basics pizzas

for like 50, 60p. Whoa. And like the dough was that shit dough that tastes sort of like water. and it had like no cheese on it at all and I used to just eat those all the time and it was dreadful so yeah yeah

one guy I lived with came into the kitchen once while me and me and another guy were in there watching TV and he popped a bag of popcorn into the microwave and I don't know where the hell he'd bought this popcorn

but he must have put it in just slightly too long it wasn't in there a ridiculous amount of time it was in there like a minute and a half or something and suddenly the microwave on the inside got really, really foggy. It was like that scene out of Titanic when the hand comes up on the glass. Oh, man. Sexy popcorn.

He walked back, he'd like nipped off back to his bedroom while the microwave was going. And he came back in and he looked at the microwave and went, oh God, oh God. And he stopped it and opened it. And the bag of popcorn was, there was like a little bit of smoke coming out from the seams. And he then cut a corner, cut the corner off. And the smoke that poured out of it, it was like someone was vaping. It was really thick smoke. It was unbelievable.

Was it actually popcorn or was it just sort of a bag of seeds? Well, so then, so after this vape had happened and it was like, you know, billowing with smoke, he then cut the whole thing open just to see what had happened. And the popcorn, I don't know how this had happened. It was just black. It was like, it was in the show. shape of popcorn, but it was completely black. When we get microwave popcorn, we have to do it in the local corner shop because we don't

have a microwave in our flat. Now I'm scared, if we ever do that again, that I'm going to fill the shop with smoke. We put it off for four minutes, and Jesus, what did he buy? I mean, maybe it wasn't a minute. What I mean, it was a reasonable amount of time. He didn't accidentally leave it on for half an hour. So maybe it was four minutes, but, you know, whatever. It certainly wasn't, you know, we went sitting there thinking, that popcorn's been in there

for ages, you know? It just... Weird. Autocumbusted. So weird. Yeah We've got another question here It's from Samuel de Barber

On Twitter We're running a little long So answers on a postcard I should say this time In this time of opportunity Aside from Mikey not being asked To shower for a bit What is something you could do

Have no reason not to do Would be glad to have done But can't be asked I have curtains on rods to be hung Not asked Oh I'm jealous We need curtains In our back door

Hmm Curtains on your back door Huh I don't make a video but I don't really have any ideas and I feel like now I'm spending every day indoors I should do something grand but I've just got nothing

so I think I'll come out at the end of this thing and I'll have been a bit more productive but no you could make something out of the recycling oh yeah make a film like oh yeah Mikey's grand day out

just recreate Wallace and Gromit but with recycling and then you won't have to go to the wank shed yeah there we go I don't have to see weird wanky man again no true you could you could dress up as Wallace and do the whole thing.

Well, I was thinking about shaving my hair off, so I guess that fits in perfectly. Yeah, I think everyone's had that thought, haven't they? Yeah, just kind of make... Well, because it is getting a bit long now. So it's kind of getting to the point where, well, it's another three weeks of lockdown, but if I do it now,

if we do come out of lockdown in, say, a month's time, it might look passable by that point. Yeah, maybe so. It's true. I'll sit on it. I might do that soon. Okay. I've had a bottle of mouthwash on my bookshelf for,

two weeks three weeks and I keep thinking you should put that in the bathroom still there what if you do what if you do that right now and we wait nah can't be asked

no you can't be asked okay this would have been your chance to do it and the whole bus would have clapped if you're not doing it now it's never going to happen you have an audience nah no it's fine not asked

I've even honestly I've even it's open and I've twice now I've poured some mouthwash out of it but in my mouth started swilling I've then put the bottle back down on the table and then I've like walked into the bathroom and spat it out and I don't know why I don't take it with me

for goodness I don't know why I thought you're going to say you spat the mouthwash back into the mouthwash bottles oh my god this is a problem too busy going on walks and being confused with driving by police officers that's what it is every time you think I could walk that through

but I could also walk out and get nearly arrested so I should say it's not 100% laziness I think the reason is that there's lots of other people's things in the bathroom as well and I kind of think I have to find space for it and someone might use it and so that's probably why I've been keeping it in here really yeah selfishness selfishness sure I mean that's I can't really be selfish because I'm by myself

but there are certainly things that I think hey that would be nice for Ben if you did that and then I think now fuck Ben he'll be all right You've ever done for me? Yeah, apart from everything. It's mainly cleaning for me. Not that anything's filthy, but every time I clean my teeth, I think, man, that mirror's got some smudges on it, isn't it? I could do that.

And the shower's got some, like, a little bit of scum marks around the bottom. I could probably just go and do that, couldn't I? I could probably sort that every time I get a pizza out of the oven, which isn't off a nice stress oh wow that looks a bit dirty i could probably do that as well but then i always see it during the week and and i think well i'll sort that at the weekend and then when i get to the weekend i kind of just want to drink alcohol it's time for a reward and so nothing ever gets done but that's that's mainly what i'm procrastinating from at the moment is just sort of just just having a hoover round or can i even do that question mark oh oh it just kind of feels kind of

purposeless. I could do it, but I don't know what's going to change if I do do it. Yeah, whatever. It's because you're constantly here, isn't it? I think that's the difference is that if you leave and come back, you're like, wow, it was nicer in the other place I was. I should make it nice here too. It just becomes your normal, doesn't it? Mikey? Hello? You got a thing? I do have a thing. I've got a game, in fact. Oh. Oh. So I'll set the scene. It's 2030. Thankfully, coronavirus has passed everyone was fine, it was great in the end

Everyone was fine Everyone was fine But now it's 2030 and the YouTube algorithm has gone a bit bonkers And now it's threatening to kill us all Oh So us three boys

We've got ourselves a bunker But we're going to be nice and safe But we've got ten spaces in that bunker to fill So in front of me I have a cup full of names, all cut out and folded up, and I've got another mug full of modifiers. So what the idea is, I'll pick out a person, and I'll pick out a modifier for them,

and we decide whether or not they get to live in our shelter or whether they die. And so... So we've got to get 10 people into our bunker, but I'll read out 20 of them in total. So you've kind of got a way up. Well, if we say no to this guy, we might have to end up saying yes to someone at the end,

or like say we say no to 10 people in a row we've got to let in the 10 people no matter of what. Okay. So we don't get to hear them all first. No, no, no. So you kind of make it up as you go along. Right. Okay. Knock, knock, knock. Who's there at the door? It's Billy Ray Walrus. Oh, yay.

But what's up with Billy today? He won't stop kissing you no matter what. Oh. In. Get him in. How do you feel about that, Ben? I mean, practical question. Are we talking full-sized, beautiful Billy Ray Walrus? Are we talking stuffed toy, Billy Ray Walrus? This is like Billy Ray Bufferis.

This is like Big Muscle Walrus. An actual real-life walrus. He's going to take up a lot of space and he's going to need a lot of food. And yeah, Walrus kiss is extremely quite sloppy. He doesn't understand personal space or hygiene. We'd have to do pretty much everything. I think it'd be pretty miserable in a bunker. I think death would be a sweet release for Billy Ray Walrus

in this instant. I've agreed. It would be cruel to keep a warriss in a bunker. Yeah, okay, fair enough. He's going in the burn pile. Bye, Billy. Bye, Billy.

Rip, rip Billy. Knock, knock, knock. It is. Oh, wow, we've got a theme going. We've got actual Billy Ray Cyrus this time. Oh, get him in, in, in, in. Well, let's see what he brings with him today. Guitar, his daughter.

They spend all their waking hours pretending they're in an improv show. So are you able to cope with Billy Ray Cyrus, protect like improvving everything thinking everything's a cue i mean could i live in an episode of hannah montana oh that's true that's essentially what it is i think that'd be kind of fun i'm sure has biddy ray got any scandals against him is he just just a bit of a pending yeah scandal pending yeah that's all right then because uh we could give him prompts as well we don't have to just let him do his own improv we could sort of if there's something we want like say we're thinking oh you know

i've not seen jaws and ages and i wish we had a copy of yours in this bunker. That's true, yeah. It's like a one-man show every night. And also, it's not like everyone is improvving. It's not like you're the one sane person. There would at least be nine others of you going, God, what a prick. Shut the fuck up,

Billy. Yeah. Yeah, I think he'd provide some good entertainment, so he can stay. I like Billy. Real Billy can stay. Oh, let's see. Who's next at the door? Knock, knock, knock. It's Boris Johnson. Oh, right. What's Boris up to today? Let me get this. He can

Paul slices of Papa John's out of his mouth, but they always give you really bad bumpies. No, Papa John's is bad enough anyway. Papa John's out of the mouth of Boris. So you do it with Bumpus Johnson. Guaranteed diarrhea is something that is a combination. That's the worst combination of words. Yeah.

Boris Johnson vomiting out diarrhea pizza. Just diarisa. You can do without that. Bye, Boris. Oh, bye, bye. Soris. We've got Soris. Soris. We've got the leader of the Ku Klux Klan.

Oh my God. Is this David Duke? Yeah, something like that, isn't it? Yeah. Okay. They come with a suitcase full of medical supplies. Oh, no. Are you going to have the horrible racist? Are you going to... I mean, I guess when he got any...

This is the thing. When they get in there, you could just kill them. We could just kill them. Pump them full of drugs. What we're going to do with the body, though? Is it going to have to sit in the corner of the bunker? Yeah, you can't open the door because the evil YouTube. robots will get you. Or we could say, right, Billy Ray, Cyrus, here's a scene for you. You are a cannibal. Go. Yeah, take care of it. Because he's committed to the cause. He'll do that.

I think from the medical supplies alone, we have to bring him in. Obviously, he's a horrible, horrible human being. However, potentially being trapped in a bunker with several other people who aren't may either force him to tone down his views, change his ways and repent, or just be murdered, but he may not have to be murdered immediately. Yeah. Yeah, we can see how he feels. Yeah, we could talk to him, you know, try and get on with them. Yeah.

Okay, we've got the lead. We kicked out Boris Johnson, but we can let it in the lead of the groupless plan. We let him David Duke when Boris is gone. All right, who's next? Oh, it's meat face. Oh. So this is literally just the little mound of meat. Right.

Is it just on the floor motionless? but they talk about nothing but their hentai collection Right, okay So meat, Meatface is in some pretty weird stuff I don't know, I think that's fine Yeah, we could eat, we could eat Meatface We could eat Meatface And it's not like pornography is going to be readily available

So maybe just the description of it will be Yeah, I think yeah, we'll need that So we're all, everyone has like corner time with Meatface Yeah, and also Meatface isn't a person So it's not weird Yeah, true, if anything, it's normal It's totally normal Totally fine.

Meatface just sort of reads erotica to us, effectively. What does he talk like? He's like, I said they had the big adivate titty. Oh, God. Well, congratulations, Meatface. You've made it. Okay.

Next at the door. It's our favourite. It's the one. They all need Dave Benson Phillips. Bear in mind we've got the lead of the Ku Klux Klan here. Yeah. But what's Dave got with him? He's constantly sweating a remarkable amount.

No, Dave, you're gone. Sorry, Dave. You have absolutely nothing to offer us. This is about survival. You're gone. Wow. Oh, well, rest and peace. So we've got three people in our thing so far.

Oh, no. My sweatshoe suit. We've got Harambe. The actual... I don't want to let in full-size Harambe. But he's a nymphomaniac. No. Oh, my God.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. We do not be a sexy gorilla.

We killed her. Parambay for a second time. We sent him to his death for awful. Fuck me. Oh, we've got a nurse at the door. Oh, hello nurse. And she comes with a suitcase full of KFC and weed. Right.

Get in. Get in. Yeah, you, you, nurse, I've never been happy to see you. Absolutely. Wow, what a combination. I love a man or woman in uniform. A medical professional with weed and chicken. It's the dream.

We've got a killer clown. right jeez and they're always naked no sorry killer clown you weren't off to the best start I never thought penny wise could get scarier but I just imagined him naked and now I I don't want to be alive imagine him doing that dance where he's jogging jumping from side to side like pushing his hands up and down but the motion the motion has been centred around his dick instead of his face yeah I wonder what his body pain design would be like. I think it just stops at the neck. Yeah.

Okay, we've got a monkey in a suit. It's like Christy the clown. He's just got normal skin underneath. Yeah. Horribly pale, man. So yeah, next to the door is a monkey in a suit. Oh. But they'll only do what they're told if you kiss them on the cheek.

I mean, that sounds pretty good to me. We should have had Billy Ray Warris stay. shouldn't we? Yeah. I mean, what practical... What can we... What could the monkey even do? I feel like everyone else in the bunker

would probably do what we asked them to do if we kiss them on the cheek anyway. So, I'd rather it was a human than a monkey. Wow. There was that monkey that ripped that guy's face off. Do you remember? There's like a 911 call

that you can listen to that's just the worst thing. Yeah, so this is a monkey in a suit, but yeah, we forget monkeys aren't just cute little things. Sorry, monkey. How many people are left? So we are 10 into it, and we've got four in our thing. Okay, so we need six of these people,

otherwise we're going to end up with randoms. Yeah, you need to start being a bit more lax. Okay, God, we should have taken the monkey, because we could have kissed it on the cheek and said, don't rip my face on. Don't do it. He's out there now. He's off finding another bunker.

Oh, my God. Okay. Miley Cyrus. We might have a little family get-together here. they're always crying but their tears are extremely nutritious that sounds helpful yeah

I could put up with that I mean I'm sure yeah like get cuddled by a dad and I might muffle it a bit and then we can collect the tears and eat it yeah yeah oh Molly you've got in you you

you cry with that yeah a sex robot ooh fuckbot fuckbot 420 and they have unparalleled survival skills

Yes, excellent. Absolutely. Oh, I'm glad we held out for sex robot. I feel like we can get rid of the hentai meat face now, but you better not. Oh, he's in now, he's in. Yeah. He's next. We would all have to share the same sex robot, though.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we do, yeah. But I would. We can wash it with Miley's tears. Oh, there you go. The perfect bleach. An overweight man cosplaying as Sailor Moon. They become homolyn. unless they have sex daily.

Oh, right. That sounds like just a lose-lose. No, but we've got sex bot. Yeah, I know, but what benefit does... What benefit does Sailor Man give us? Well, because there might be something worse coming. I don't know. I've, I feel divided on this one.

I don't want to write off sex bot just to appease potentially the best case scenario. Oh, would you not go near sex bot if overweight Sailor Moon went near him? I feel like that would be his whole deal, wouldn't it? Yeah, he would be constantly on. that thing. Sex bot would be

Salem mans. Okay, well, we can get rid of him, but we do risk another

naked penny wise or something how many have we got left? We've got, I think we've got seven left. Okay.

And we've got six people in our thing. Okay, oh, you're right. Oh, okay. I like those odds. Okay. A clone of Hitler.

No. Who? Poops nothing but Skittles constantly. Right. Get in. Taste the rainbow.

Let's do this thing. Yeah. Yeah, you can chat with the KKK guy. Yeah, there you go. Let's be perfectly frank, okay? Let's be perfectly Francis here. This really boils down to what they're bringing, yeah, to the situation. Because, I mean, the people you've kicked out, a lot of them are pretty innocent.

Yeah, Dave Benson would have been lovely to spend some time with, but if he's sweating constantly, he provides no benefits apart from increased water consumption, which is going to hurt us in the long run. Oh, God. Okay, well, we're filling up. We've got a hell of a fun. Oh, I've got the next one. Okay.

It's Peter's dad, who's naked. Oh, brilliant. Oh, right. And he's the living embodiment of a Karen, so he'll be angry at everything. That's so funny. I was explaining to my dad what a Karen was recently. Oh, my God. Well, he's become one.

He's learned. Peter, I'm going to let you make this call. Well, I think he sometimes listens to the podcast, so this is a bit awkward. Do you want to save your dad, even though he's naked? And did you say he's the living embodiment of a Karen as well? Yeah, so there's not really any plus sides to this. Well, I mean, it's your dad. See you later, Dad.

I might be living in your house during the coronavirus crisis, but, you know, what goes around doesn't always come around. Oh, my God. Are we getting rid of your dad? Yeah, I'd rather have Skittl Hitler than my dad's. Skittler. Skittler. Adolf Skittler, yeah.

Let me just do a quick tally. Make sure my numbers are right. We got one, two, three, four. five, six, seven people in our house. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight people who have been bin, so that's 15. Okay, we've got five left and we've got to let two, three more people in. Okay. We're going to do this.

It's Papa John of, well, whose pizza you just discredited. Yeah. They have an uncontrollable farting issue. No, no. Papa Johnson. Papa Johnson. No, right? No, there may be worse coming, but in a bunker, really?

Yeah, no, I think this probably can't be as bad as Papa John was fighting. Okay. I'd rather have Hitler. Yeah, that's fair. I mean, Papa John is essentially Hitler at this point? Yeah, he's not great, is he? He's not got the best record. I remember, it's only a clone of Hitler.

Oh, true, yeah, it doesn't have the, you know, all the bad stuff Hitler's done. It's just his image. We could rebuild him in our own image. Just say, oh, I like your paintings, they're really good. great paintings yeah knock knock it's a furry

and they're horny for tears right well that's mylie off doesn't it pop them over to Miley yeah

okay really I think if we're we're getting down to the wire now I feel like Miley wasn't going to provide that much to us anyway

we could still get some of those we could still harvest some of those tears those nutritional tears yeah she was constantly crying

yeah so if he's horny for tears then maybe we just let the furry and Miley hang out and we go in just farm some tears every so often. Yeah, they just kind of sustain each other. Pretty harmless. I really don't like the idea of a furry,

you know, constantly making moves on Miley as she just cries in the corner. That is an upsetting image, actually. Yeah, but... Maybe Station Billy not far away. Yeah, it could still be consensual. She just can't stop crying. Yeah, no, it is upsetting, though.

It is a bit weird It's getting a bit weird in the bunker Okay, well this is how it goes You know I think we'll have to Because if it's getting close now We'll have to take the furry Okay so we've got three

People left to choose from And two spaces left Oh Actual Spiral the Dragon Oh The furry's gonna love that probably Yeah Who comes with a parrot

That only says slurs Okay yeah I mean that's absolutely getting in Hitler's gonna love him David Duke's gonna love him It'll promote something some kind of unity. Can you tell us if Spiro is on board with the parrot slurs or if he's just sort of like, oh, fuck God, I'm so sorry about this.

But, you know, he's had the birds since a child and Spiro's dad was a bit racist and taught it, all these bad words. So it also means that I now don't have to use the sex robot if Spiro's coming in. That's true. That is true. Everything works out. Okay, we've got one spot left and two people left trying to come in. We've got our racist uncle Darren who comes with a laptop full of video games. Oh, racist uncle, Darren. We've already accepted Hitler and the KKK. Yeah, we've had so many racists and the parrot,

the slur parrot as well. God. We don't know how racist the nurse is potentially as well. Oh, no. Unconfirmed. You're going to let Darren, I mean, that's a pretty valuable asset. I mean, the amount of racism we've already got. Just the video games.

Essentially, if we say no to Darren, we have to have the next person. Yeah. I think it's better the devil you know, surely. Yeah, at least I know. Darren, right? He's our uncle, so... You're getting some quality content there. Okay, I'm all right with Darren. I'm all right, congratulations. We filled up our thing, but I do want to see who we just kicked out.

Yeah. Kicked out a clone of Mikey who was always extremely drunk. I think, yeah, you've done the right thing there by choosing racism. We got real Mikey anyway. So, okay, sure. Although if we got fake Mikey, Mikey wouldn't need a sex robot. Oh, God, yeah. That's true.

Neither would I. I've just born for choice. God, it's two Mikey. This is. Great. Amazing. Best of both worlds. Right, Miley? Oh, she's crying. Oh, no.

Right, do you want me to run through our cast of characters that we're going to spend the rest of eternity with? Yes. We've got Billy Ray Cyrus, but he spends all his waking hours pretending he's in an improv show. It's kind of fun. We've got the leader of the Ku Klux Klan, and they come with a suitcase full of medical supplies. So, yeah, that's all right. Meatface, who talks about nothing but his hentai collection. A nurse who comes armed with KFC and weed.

Racist Uncle Darren and his video games. Marley Cyrus, who is always crying, but those tears are nutritious. We've got sex bots, and they've got unparalleled survival skills. A clone of Hitler who poops nothing but skills. A furry who is horny for tears. An actual Spiral the Dragon, who comes with a racist swearing parrot. I think that sounds pretty fun to me. It could have been a lot worse.

I think we've covered most bases there. We've got food and water. We've got sex. We didn't let our personal biases or ethics get in the way of securing necessary resources. Yeah, the moral here is if it's the end of the world, it's okay to be racist. Is that the moral here? You can be the worst person. If it's about survival, you can be a big old slur boy.

Yeah, there you go. As long as you've got a bag full of KFC, you can be whatever you want to be. Yeah, if you poop skittles, welcome in. Sorry, Dad, see you later. Hitler took your spot. Yeah. Thank you, gentlemen, for helping us sort that out. That was important work.

That was great fun. Thank you, Michael. Thanks, Mikey. Okay, I've got a question here. We're going to have to go through it a little faster than normal. This is from Luijtu at Luijtu on Twitter. Since I'm always too late on these, except now, what was an event where you were too late?

Or what was an event that you missed entirely? I've got one that I can kick us off with immediately. When I was in primary school, we had a small grant. of Monu and we were able to open a very small museum like a very small one one room because do you remember walking with dinosaurs

I remember that I loved it so there was a big old dino footprint discovered at a quarry not far from the school and where I lived and they did like a cast of it and they brought it to the school and it was in like a special room

and it was a total room and it was a tiny room but it had like a nice pine flooring and like you know the LED spotlight lights and they also got one of the um one of the dino models from walking with dinosaurs wow and it was like a a triceratops kind of thing i think it was sort of mostly eaten which was a weird model to have in a kid's school right primary school um but that room was done on by by changing rooms You remember changing rooms, the TV. Absolutely. What?

Because my mum's, one of my mum's close friends, it turns out that actually related distantly, she used to be on changing rooms, as one of the people who did the stuff on changing rooms. And so through that, that was organized. I think my mum was involved in getting it sorted. So they helped put together this little room in which there was walking with dinosaurs stuff.

And because my mom was involved, she was in school one day. and she said to me, I can't remember exactly how it went, but basically they wanted to take a photo of some school kids in it for like the local newspaper or something. And my mum asked if I wanted to and I was like, oh my God, that would be amazing.

And I got a message from, I think a teacher I was eating my, I was eating lunch in the cafeteria and I've never run so fast as I did then that it was time to take the photo. And I ran all the way there. and I was told it was too late and it haunted me for like years after this I would think about it and I definitely cried that night I think I cried because I missed because I was too late

for the changing rooms walking with dinosaur photo the crossover we've all dreamed of I know right crazy god they found that footprint in the quarry yeah and then they turned it into it turned it into a music room not long after which was a shame But yeah, that was some childhood trauma, some mild childhood trauma there for something that I was too late for. Oh, bless you. I still feel really bad for when we went to What's Net Next to Focus, that French press event to play some games. And we got way too drunk the night before. And I just totally slept in that morning and we missed our first appointment. And I just had like, I just felt so anxious getting ready, getting changed, coming out to like the cold snowy streets of Paris. but hi guys sorry

I mean that appointment we didn't even ask for they signed us up for a load of stuff we explicitly didn't ask for and then got quite shirty with us when we didn't show up for things we'd been signed up which I think was really unfair actually

yeah the lady was quite angry and it was like okay well yeah that wasn't on that wasn't fair and also they had an event where you can drink all you want so why on earth did they schedule that in the middle of it I don't think I assume most people would be a bit more sensible than me but yeah nah

yeah nah nah nah nah Nah, mate. Yeah. We had fun. That's all that matters. It was fun. That's where you did a lap dance on tape.

Yeah, that was just a bad night for me, I think. I mean, I'm not saying we were professional. No. Because we weren't. But at the same time, we did make it very clear what we wanted to see while we were there. And they signed us up for extra stuff without asking, which wasn't. So this is what you get. You get me spinning on the floor.

This is what you get. Yeah. I throw up twice when I get back to the hotel. It's all. It's fine. Yeah, that's fine. I didn't stand. start masturbating until I was 17.

Wow! Okay. You missed out on some quality time there. That's late, man. It is late. I did not expect that. No, I know. Wow.

I just remember the, I very, very, very vividly remember the first time. And I just remember thinking, what on the earth have I been missing? God. Whoa. It's like fireworks. What the hell. Did you just not try it because you're like, you were unbothered by it? Or was it like, oh, this is naughty.

well I think the problem no I definitely wasn't oh it's naughty I think the problem was that I'd I tried it like probably earlier earlier than normal because I'd read about it in a textbook when we were doing sex education and it was sort of they sold

it they really sold it you know they said oh this sounds great sounds great and I guess I didn't really understand you know how to do it or what the whole idea of like what you were simulating was supposed to be and I was like after probably I probably didn't go for long enough either

I probably thought after like 15 seconds like oh this isn't doing anything what's going on this doesn't feel good and then I think I just never bothered for a long time after that and this is why sex ed is dangerous it is very dangerous wow I remember the

this is a different thing but I remember we watched a video when we're doing sex ed in primary school and they cut to this bit about oral sex, because I guess they were talking about foreplay and how that's beneficial to the sexual experience. And in order

to illustrate that, all they did was kind of loosely say, oh, it involves stimulating an organ, a sexual organ with your mouth. And then it cut to these kids who were our age, standing on the edge of a swimming pool, and the boy was licking an ice cream

and the girl was sucking on a fruit pastel lolly. Jesus Christ! Yeah. No wonder you weren't interested for a while. I think you were just third party assaulted. Yeah, I was like, I don't like cornettoes. What on earth is going on?

Oh, that's a bit explicit. Wow. I know. Yeah. Oh, my God. Well, that's all things that we were late to. Thanks. Absolutely.

I hope you enjoyed that. Hey, guys, it's time for my thing. Oh, yeah. Today I've brought along some Hanamon, some Hanamon fan of fiction. Oh, no. I just had to make sure I got that right. Some Hanamon fan of fiction. this comes to us

I mean before we how old is Hannah Montana the character don't worry this isn't sexual good good I did my due diligence Michael Johnson

I don't do my due diligence oh thank you good I've read it all it's fine it's just bad okay so this is this is called the stolen guitar it's by Lord Jeremy Silver and it was written

last December so it's quite recent Yes, precisely But I need your help Michael Johnson Congratulations You've been cast as Miley slash Hannah Montana

Oh fantastic Peter Austin Congrats you're everyone else Fantastic I will be narrating Hopefully you can see that I had to zoom out quite a long way to

I can't copy and paste it for some reason So hopefully you can see that Try not to read ahead I will do the narration Are we ready for the stolen guitar Born ready

Hannah Montana put on her white winter coat Grab her guitar case and walk out ot the limo Yating for her outside the Boston M-A-O-C Nice that the concert's finally over Says Hannah Oh no no Michael I'm just saying the word Michael we'll get this right

Says Hannah Suddenly someone jump out from the shadows And attack Hannah and grab the guitar case And steal it from Hannah and run away Stop! That's my guitar, says Hannah. Looking all sad like a little kid, Hannah walked to the limo. What's wrong? Says Robbie Ray, seeing his daughter so sad. I got attacked and the person who did so stole my guitar, says Hannah. Oh, says Robbie Ray. He use his cell phone to call the police the next day.

Hannah, or just Miley now, sit on her bed. She is very sad. Miley wear only an oversized black t-shirt and baggy pink sweatpants. Oh, I wish I could get my guitar back, says Milo. Yes, she does have a few other guitars, but the one that got stole, her custom-made Gibson-C-J-165, is her favourite. Damn! Says Miley, punching her teddy bear hard. usually she'd never hurt Barry the Bear

but she's so upset about having lost her guitar that she's half unaware of what she does Wow The stand where she usually display the CJ165 Look so empty and it hurts Miley's soul to see that Being as rich as Hannah means I can buy a new guitar But I don't think I'd have the same emotional bond with it Says Miley

Miley drink a small sip of alcohol from a pink steel flask It's very rare that Miley drink Especially when she's in her civilian Miley form But now when she's upset She feel like a tiny bit of alcohol will make her feel better How do you feel, bud? Says Robbie as he entered the room Like crap

Says Miley Still upset about losing your guitar Says Robbie Yeah, says Miley. You can buy a new one exactly like it. I'm sure the folks at Gibson wouldn't mind making an identical replica, says Robbie. I know, but there were tons of emotion in that guitar. I wrote, I miss you on it and such, says Miley.

Miley's Hannah phone suddenly beeps. Miss Montana here. Hello, this is Harry Larson, L-A-P-D. We've got the team searching for your guitar. Thanks, sir. My guitar is very important to me. I understand. We'll inform you as soon as we know anything.

Okay. Bye. Miley ends the phone call. Who was it? Says Robbie. Police. They're looking for my guitar. Says Miley.

Good, Myel, says Robbie. Two hours later. In a dark room somewhere, a woman is playing a song on Miley's guitar. Her name is Yolanda Crow. Yes. Says Yolanda. Yolanda is 25 years old. She has dark skin, red curly hair and blue eyes.

She is also evil. Holy shit. So damn great to have a Hannah Montana's guitar. Says Yolanda with an evil smile. Yolanda wear a red leather t-shirt, dark skinny jeans and blue shoes. I am awesome, says Yolanda. And that's the end of chapter one. Oh, there's more.

There is a second chapter that's about half as long as that. Would you like to, would you like that one too? Absolutely. Giz a treat, gives a treat. I'm very sad that this is where it ends though, because I feel like. There's so much potential in the story. There's, yeah, I mean, especially the way this chapter ends, there's no resolution. The song Yolanda play is dark and evil. She seem happy.

I finally have this, says Yolanda, talking about the guitar. Yolanda is sort of a Hannah Montana fan, but she is misguided, and that's why she stole the guitar from Miley. Hannah is probably crying like a lame five-year-old kid right now, says Yolanda. with an evil, sexy smile. She play an actual Hannah Montana song. Awesome is what I am, says Yolanda. The next day. Dad, do you think I'll ever get my guitar back?

Says Miley. I don't know, bud. Have faith. Says Robbie. Not easy. Me ain't as badass as I would like. Says Miley. Relax. Okay.

Says Robbie. Sure, I'm going to try to. Says Miley. Good, I'll order pizza. Says Robbie. Thanks, Dad. Says Miley. Two hours later.

Have they found your guitar yet? Says Oliver Keene. Oaken, sorry, Oliver Oaken. No, unfortunately not. Says Miley. I hope you will get it back. Says Lillie Truscott. Thanks, Lills

Says Miley Anytime Miley Says Lily You guys are awesome It's good for me to have your support Says Miley Miley hug Lily and Oliver

The three friends smile The end The end That's a resolution for sure If I've ever seen one That's it That's all we got Oh it's beautiful

Thank you Lord Jeremy Silver I wonder if sexy Lander ever gave the guitar back. She is awesome. She is awesome is what she is. Awesome is what she is. Yeah, it's Yoda. Yodalander.

Wow, thank you for your amazing performances, guys. Thank you for that, for providing the inspiration. Oh, not at all. Really appreciate it. We have time for just one more question. It's a quick one. We can get through it well quick. This is from Calcifer at Calsifer underscore Dragon on Twitter.

What's your top three fav fizzy drinks? Oh From worst to best Ranking every single one of Michael Johnson's favourite drinks From Worcester best Top three Dr Pepper

Got to be hot up there Oh God I'm a big fan of lemon fanta That's a good thing Oh yes Good old bit of lemon fanta And I'm a fan of You know like panda pop bubble gum

Oh Panda Pop Cheap cheap bubble gum drinks Yeah I would say Diet Coke Third Second place

Tango Orange I prefer it to Fanta And first place What's that I don't even know the flipping name of it But it's because I had it so rarely I really liked it

What's that white can That we used to have it, Yogscast The fruity one Oh Rio? Yeah, Rio I really like the Rio That we used to have there I just don't get it very often, but it is my number one.

Nice. From the third... Dave used to bring it for me. Dave, I remember Dave. Rip. From worst to best, my three favorites are Fanta Lemon, Pepsi Max, and Dr. Pepper. Oh, pretty similar. I'll put my...

I need to actually rank mine. So top one is Dr. Pepper, middle one is Fanta Lemon, and last one is bubblegum. Nice. Nice. I don't even know the difference between... Diet Coke and like Pepsi Max and stuff I don't have either of them often enough But there's definitely a taste difference

Some kind of diet cola would be my third Yeah nice Wonderful Well that's the podcast Very quickly would you guys like an update on the Hoover story Yes please good god Okay so the Hoover arrived after I ordered it online And I turned it on you'll never guess what happened

We'll have to find out next week Thank you very much for listening everybody Store.orgscast.com is where you can find some stuff Isn't that right Michael Oh yeah damn right We do actually have some new merch in the pipeline, so it might not be up when this episode goes out, but it's going to be out pretty damn soon.

It's all happening. So save your discount code, Vidiots, for 10% of everything on Yog's Castor for when our new merch releases. You'll keep an eye on the tweeters. That's probably the first place you'll see it. So it's coming.

It's very good. Michael's done a very good job on it. I'm proud of it. I'm excited to see it and held it. I'm just as excited to see the video he's made. to promote it. Nightmare. Be ready for that.

YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, all.com, forward slash vidios official. Twitch.tv.TV forward slash vidiets official as well. We're streaming semi-regularly.

Mikey is streaming quite a lot. Peter streamed the other day on his birthday. I'll be streaming again soon, hopefully, with my friend Ben. So make sure you go over there and give it a follow and we'll obviously tweet

and post about it when we're going to go live and stuff anyway. Streamlabs.com forward slash video it's official, if you'd like a shout-out at the beginning and the end of the show and join Pod Squad. Reminder, we're bumping that up slightly to three pounds, but it won't come into effect immediately. Michael's going to kick us off with the first portion of this week's pod squad. We begin with, I'm Lord Broovic and I like Ben. Hoover Scooper. I'm Ben and I like Lord Brodovich. Anna Silverston. Unknown racist Mrs. Gibbon. Rory Siegel.

D.C. Ari Bat. Mikey. Your mic's muted. Lilith Eating Switch Chords Penal Dementia 489 Blue Potato Grid Happy 50th boys or girls Big Titty Jesus 42 Official Hannah Shaggy's diabetic uncle

Ben Bugglebutts Kilo Clouds Forgotts to Donate Kish is Lorraine Kerri Kelly Kerkeray And bit.L.L.Y Why, why, why, why, why, why. Also, we have Toy Story 3 was okay. Tony Robinson Time Terrorist

The Royal Apodomy of Squademy Sina Cyber Slum Stucalicious The Mayor of Stoke-on-Trent Emily Lockdown Lemons Evil elephant shagger Mercenary Prostitute

Wilson Flat Arm Back to Front Wipe Plumpy Lumps Gowy Bug Spittoon Chavez Romero Lord Brotovich Kevin from Con Stephen and Emily Hepel

Old Bollock Nose And I Will Lie awake Mr. Tumble's spotty ball bag, L. Baker 97, Ben Podder the Pussy-Prodder, Lemmy's massive facial wart, Stephen Scodes, Willie's real, rear wheel, wholesome elephant shagger, Sir Moe Lester, Awesome Fox 42, Alks, pronounced like Alex, Defoe's Dinos, Diffotter, Ben Potter's pen blotter, clumpian pom-pom pli-boops, Pompompleboops, Ribina official PR, Big Titty Judas 69, Beath Beaseman, dorsal fin Tristam, arse face, D.I. Harry, Bat, Kitty Hawk, Sprout, Stuff

and Beko Light Girl. Thank you so much, everybody. That's your Pod Squad for this week. Streamlabs.com forward slash video. It's official if you'd like to join Pod Squad in time for the next episode. Peter, where could people find us? We are at Triple Jump. Team Triple Jump is where you can find Ben and I in all the usual places. Twitter and Facebook.com forward slash Team Triple Jump. YouTube, Team Triple Jump. Twitch.com. TV 4 slash Team Triple Jump. We're doing all kinds of stuff that you will know from the good old days of when Vidyats hadn't changed. Like Rules Boss stuff. We're making foodages. We're doing Proveits. We're, you know, video game challenges and worst games ever. All the very best shows from Vidyates still exist at Team Triple Jump.

All the very best. Mikey, where can people find you? You're best following me on at Pariboy on Twitter to stay up to date with all my antics. Currently, if you go on there, you'll see a ferret looking at its belly. Isn't that cute? Fantastic. Can't ask for anything more, quite frankly. That's the life, no. Make sure you leave us a review on iTunes or your platform of choice. It helps something to do with Al Gore rhythms or Al Gore's rhythms.

Who's to say, I don't know. I don't know if any of that's true, but it sounds nice to say. Have any of you got a question, a final question, the very ultimate final, final, final question for the end of the show? I want to ask when people started masturbating, but that's definitely you're stepping in a certain boundary. I don't want to know that. I definitely don't want to know that.

No, let's not do that one. I almost feel a bit uncomfortable having revealed my own age, to be honest. But it's out there now. It's fine. It's fine. It's very brave. Very brave. Yeah.

What about everyone else's weird lockdown anecdotes? That's kind of why I brought it along is my thing. I want to see everyone else's. Yeah. Let's do that. What's the things are happened to you? Let's know. Thanks for listening, everybody.

We'll be back in a couple of weeks' time. Stay safe. wash your hands and stay indoors if you're allowed to do so. And, uh, because some of them are essential, you know? Some of them aren't allowed to stay indoors. They're not allowed to stay outside. You must stay outside, how dare you? Okay, we'll see you soon, everyone.

We'll see you soon. Take care of everyone. Bye, bye, bye, son. Bye, son's. Bye, bye, bye. Thank you.