Podiots - Podiots: Episode 52 - Everybody Salsa

Episode Date: May 5, 2020

Peter identifies what kind of balloon Mikey is, Mikey gets Ben and Peter to apologise, and Ben's brought more fake news. Donate £3 or more to get a shoutout and join the Pod Squad! - https://streamlabs.com/podiotsdonations/ New merch: http://smarturl.it/Podiots Twitch: Twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord:  http://bit.ly/VidiotsDiscord Ben and Peter's channel 'TripleJump': https://www.youtube.com/teamtriplejump Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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I don't even know what that tune is, just sort of making it up as I go. I think it's, that was really good. Yeah. It's peaceful there. Party yurts. Yeah. It's the best around.

Do it, Mikey. We're going to fuck you up. Party arts. Oh, my God. It's like a song designed by Wix or someone. Wix! Just a guess, is Claudia at work? Yeah, she's at work.

So I'm just making noise like a small child and running ramping. rampant. Just screeching. I hope the neighbours are all at work as well on a Sunday. Yeah, I hope so as well, but I got a feeling they're in. They've been stomping around up there. This is my little bit of payback. Yeah, give it back to them. Yeah, scream, that's fair, isn't it? You walk around

in your flat, I scream back. How loud can I be in this flat? I don't think we've ever explained the origin of that phrase, have we? People might occasionally hear, particularly Ben and I say, how X, can I be in X? And it's because very early on in our time at Yogscast, I think in like the third or fourth week, all three of us were leaving the office at the same time.

We got into the lift. And as the doors were closing, Michael must have just done a big laugh or something. And he went, oh, that was quite loud. And then just as the doors finally closed and we were sealed into a metal cage with Michael Johnson, he said, how loud can I be in this lift? Yeah.

And I guess did a Mikey scream. Yeah, I'm so sorry. How did you put up with me for a year? Oh, well, I mean, it clearly entertained us enough for that phrase to enter the ever-growing lexicon. Yeah, that's true. Anything, if I'll put it that way. I defend you mildly, but it makes it easier to take my screams in the future. What do the ferrets think of the screams, just out of interest?

Honestly, they're a bit dim in every aspect, like, most partially blind and like a little bit deaf. So it doesn't really... Faze the matchy one's there now. No, don't care. You're about to just scream at it. Yeah. You need to do a control group and just do various levels of scream. You just see how they find it.

I'll strap them all down in like separate rooms of the house and just scream at them at different decibel levels and I'll report back from my findings. That'll be my thing next episode. Brilliant. Yeah, sort of like a clockwork orange. Yeah, like Ludovieto technique, but it was screaming. Oh, that is open with a little metal...

Oh, God. Put some drops in. I don't know. Ode to joy, but it's Michael Johnson screams. Oh no. Actually, my voice is too beautiful there. I wouldn't be like that. Yeah, that was magical.

It was almost operatic. Yeah, thank you. I'm putting my lungs to the test. Yeah. Well, much like the invasive surgery of Michael Johnson's screaming, it's time to slice and dice our way into the freshly mutilated corpse that is Poddiot's episode 50. Oh, lovely. Hello, everybody, and welcome to Pottiots, the official.

Vidiates! Yeah. Oh, podcast. It's a conversational podcast where we take some questions from you at home and obey the law of the three is where everybody brings only thing I'm Ben, I'm Peter and I'm Michael

How are you feeling, guys? Good, raring to go. Bit tired, but fine. I have questions for each of you. I was expecting a response, but that's fine. Michael, what's going on with the bin shed? People want to know. The bin shed?

Wait, what is this in reference to? My brain is totally blank. Oh, my goodness. Was it that long ago? The bin shed where the man was clearly having a bin wank or something. Oh, God. Well, yeah, there was a fun development, actually. So we let him get on as he was, but we called a local homeless charity called Street. Well, not local, a nationwide one called Streetlink. We gave him the details. We told them, look, if you go in here, you'll find him.

Could you please get him some help? They went in there. They talked to him, talked through his options. and it seemed to go well and then I went in yesterday to empty our glass recycling bin and he had a friend in there who was an exceptionally well-groomed man

trying to sell me a pair of sunglasses What? I didn't realise from the initial story that he was a homeless man I thought he was... No, I thought he was a resident. Yeah. Oh no, it wasn't a resident

having a cheeky bin wank it was well we presume he was homeless because we took him food and he had a blanket in there Yeah, he didn't have a mobile phone. Yeah, exactly. If you had that off, they told me get out. But, yeah, like, at first we were like, okay, fair enough.

You know, he needs a place to sleep. He's not doing any harm. We'll call a charity, give him some food and stuff. But then, yeah, went in yesterday, and he had, like, a phone battery bank, a pair of sunglasses, some other stuff laid out on the bins. And I walked in, he helped me out with the glass stuff. And I was like, do you want to buy anything? You want to buy something?

And I was like, no, thank you. bye and I felt really uncomfortable and so we reported them to the police. Right. Oh, no. Hey, you gave him every opportunity. You did. You told the charity first and then the police second. He had a good two weeks

but don't tell your friends please. That's an inspirational journey though, from having a bin-wank to setting up your own business in the same place. And then getting arrested. Yeah. That's a true for Wall Street story.

It's beautiful. What a beautiful. What a beautiful development. Keep us posted if anything else happens. It's a bit terrifying because the way he can get in is pretty much like he can see our front door and we usually keep our windows open over the night. So we were just primed for Robin. Maybe he was selling your own things back

to you. Oh, I did think that sunglasses look familiar. That TV. Oh my God, yeah. Well, he probably's had a field there because, oh dear, my microphone just knocked out. I did throw our old TV in the bin earlier the week, so he might... Maybe he's skating that down the street.

as we speak. You could be. Yeah, he's to say. Peter, yes. Have you been arrested by the police for walking yet? Not yet, no, no. And neither have I been arrested for my criminal haircuts that I'm doing to people. Okay.

But there's still time, you know. We're still in lockdown. We've got a time of recording. We've got at least like a week or more. No one knows yet if it'll be extended. But I'll do my utmost to maybe do like a second illegal walk of the, day or um you be careful you know maybe i'll go out and panic by some toilet paper which everyone's stopped doing but i can keep up that trend uh you know i'll endeavor to get arrested

before we're all released back into the world of uh of disease out there good amazing yeah that's the dream right yeah unlimited toilet paper at police stations i would imagine oh yeah absolutely yeah no problem there and if not you do a dirty protest yeah in the bin shed Ah, yeah, there you go. Fantastic. Well, I've got a question for you, Ben, but I'm sure we won't hear about it until the end. Oh, yeah. Is there an extra addition to the, an extra installment of the Hoover Story?

You know what? This might actually be the last one. Might be. Yeah, it might be. I don't know why I'm sad about this. It's the biggest source of frustration in my fortnight's schedule. Depends how I'm feeling, really. We'll see.

We'll see what we get there. Let's see what my notes say. oh no actually i might be able to stretch it over another episode okay brilliant yeah i think we're just what we all wanted good we can stretch it just a little bit further as if lockdown wasn't feeling long enough yeah it's gonna be worth the payoff will be worth it i guarantee yeah sweet guys pottyets is changing oh no it's changing again uh but in a confusing way it's not confusing at all so last time on the on the podcast we spoke about pod squad of course the amazing

folks at home who support us financially episode to episode. You donate, you get a shout out at the beginning and the end of the podcast, you join Pod Squad. We decided to up the amount to three pounds from one pounds to get your name read out because people were donating multiple times for one pound to get multiple names read out, which is fine. You know, we loved the silly names, but it was just in the interest of time we wanted to raise the amount a little bit so people could still donate, but actually the section doesn't take quite as long and consume quite as much of the podcast.

Now it occurred to us that actually we're streaming a lot more than previously and because we use the same donation method for streaming and Pod Squad donations that makes it very difficult to separate the names of who donated for the stream and who donated for the podcast. So we have a new donation link. I know. It's crazy. It's like we're trying to confuse you enough that you won't be able to give us money anymore.

Yeah. If anything, this is going to. secure fewer donations. But we want to assure you, before I tell you what that new link is, that we will continue to check both the now exclusively streaming donation link and this new Pod Squad link for the foreseeable future just to pick up any stragglers who may donate to the wrong place. So don't worry, you will still be read out if you donate to the incorrect link.

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My God, what a bunch. We begin with Katie Kin's solo, who had a very generous donation. She says, thank you for all the content. Well, thank you, Katie Kin's. You're a star. Dogging in Mikey's Wankshed. My last three pounds. Pau Musick. Hilm Derek Bum. Bucay of Bucake Big House Hi, I'm Derek Bum Oh, that's right, yeah, Hillen Derek Bum

Sorry, Hyln Derek Bum Hi, I'm Derek Bum Buckeye of Buckeek Big House equals asshole Yuki the Pomeranian A Cheeky Binwank Princess Beef Cakes

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That's a fantastic we should have done Streamlats.com forward slash quidiotes Quidiotes shit would have been great never mind If we change it's okay just to confuse everyone

Yeah, we'll change it up every week. We continue with COVID 420, the sex COVID. Harold Shipman. Bring back weird capetia. Okay, I'll work on it. Peter hates homeless people. Yay. The vidiates sold out Brotovic.

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in the past few years, always class, cheers. Thank you. Thank you. And finally, we finish off with Eric Shun, C.J. Straw 93, Alchemist Candy, Steven Scodes, Stucalicious, Adolf Hitler's 69s, Lord Mo Lester, on the blob, Willem's Wow-inspiring Wongul, Lbaker 97, Tiny Peeper picked a pepice, a peepis maybe, I don't really know what that is, shoot me in the face, awesome Fox 42, Carrie the worst, thank you very much to Cameron S. Skelly, or no, hang on, Cameron S. Kelly or Cameron S. Kelly for the very generous donation. Hello, boys, hope you're all doing well in this strange time.

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even if it's as funny as vanckel borks nantan groplup top tier who would like a question I'd love one I would this comes from James at Corrosion Audio on Twitter a musical magician

who asks build well it doesn't ask but build the best burger meaty or vegan what's in it oh that's a tough one because do you go classic or do you go exotic with it well how are you feeling today this is your own personal burger that's true oh oh

I mean I know what I'd do what kind of what kind of bun are you having I suppose first off it's the same It's the same Oh, sesame God's sake The same bun

Yeah Yeah So you've got a sesame bun Peter I've got a sesame bun I've probably got two patties Of beef in there Just because I can

Nice yep A bit of A bit of good Good cheese Not I don't like American square cheese It's not cheese though is it No it's not cheese

I think I would have like I mean, I've had cheddar cheese on burgers before That's pretty nice And they can also make good cheddar cheese That has the lactose removed Which would be good for me What about a daryly triangle? No, no, thank you

Right in the... Still in the wrapper I'd do a big Berg piss after that, I think If I ate that But a bit of lettuce I don't mind a bit of lettuce in my burger I don't want tomatoes or gherkins

And some bacon Some bacon and maybe some kind of burger sauce oh I tell you what I love on a burger actually this is the key ingredient for me I love red onion chutney slash marmalade love that sort of sweet red onion

mush yeah top that on my bed give me that sweet mush I crave my dude yeah I'd eat that on anything you get it with them if you go to a fancy restaurant that has like chicken liver patte

quite often they serve that with red onion chutney which is very nice so if i'm going into a tiny pete's burger shop what would be the name of this burger oh oh god okay um maybe just the the tiny eater oh that's nice even though it's actually enormous it's an ironic name yeah people order it just to see what it is yeah yeah brilliant well what about you mikey what's your bun I think I'd go for just like, you know, a classic English white bun. A good white bun. A stodgy cake.

Yeah, I was thinking stottie, but I think Stottie's ridiculous for a burger, even though I can't do that. It's so messy. I have to have like four burgers in it spread out to fill it up. That's too much. So this nice classic bun, I think a nice satan patty, a bit of wheat gluten in there. Well, just a little bit tomato salsa. Give it a bit of moisture. Everybody's salsa.

Oh, we'll get to that. That's the burger name. That's the burger name. A little bit like grated mozzarella vegan, of course. Some pickles. Bit of, not iceberg lettuce, but you know, a nice soft, dry lettuce. And a little onion round. And then bam, that's a burger. What's it called, Mikey?

That's a 10. Everybody salsa. And it's just listed on the menu. It takes of a whole page because it repeats about 100 times. chips it like 15 times. The menu, it's two menus. There's just one for that burger and one for the rest of the menu. Imagine ordering it.

Yes, please. I'll have the everybody salsa, everybody salsa, everybody salsa, everybody salsa, everybody salsa. You'd be there to closing time. You're right. How many times did he say, we haven't, right, we'll talk about it. I'm assuming we're going to talk about that later, are we? Yeah, I was going to talk about it maybe after this. Okay, that's fine.

I don't know how many times he said it in that, and I would actually like to know. Okay. my burg. I think I'll go the same as Mikey, just a really fluffy white roll. Can't be it a classic. Yeah, nice classic. I would have, I'd have a, what's it called?

The butter, is it buttermilk chicken? Oh, yeah. Is that what it's cool when it's like fried or battered or whatever? Yeah, I have one of those. And then I'd have some, maybe some brie. Oh, maybe. And then I'd have a bit of cow meat in there So kind of disc of cow, cow disc of cow, cowdisk.

Cowdisk, nice. And on top of that, a little bit of sauce, a little bit of black pepper. A little bit of monica? Yeah, I was going to get to that, but I was going to put that on top, actually. A little bit of moniker is the garnish. Then some maybe a little bit of barbecue sauce,

some lettuce, a little bit of gletis. Yeah. And bacon. and then top top it off and then garnish with a little bit a little bit of monica

just a little bit just a touch yeah could quality burgers now I'm very hungry yeah yeah I'm pretty hungry as well actually

yeah could go for a week right now what's yours called what's yours called? Um it's called it's called burger time burger time

yeah that's it very good time maybe there's a little bit of time in there as well the herb oh there you go yeah

burger time I don't know something like that fantastic Well, there are our burgers. I hope you'll enjoy them at home and are also hungry. Yeah. Well, while we're on the subject, I wonder if we should now just quickly...

This isn't my thing, but we should maybe quickly explain everybody salsa. Everybody salsa. I can put it into the edit now, if you think that would be helpful for illustrative purposes. Sure. So on the 25th of April 2020, we were added in a tweet, at Viddi, it's official, something to do at the weekend. Hashtag, sing with me, DBP. Enclosed in it was, this. this video.

Everybody salsa. Everybody salsa. Everybody salsa. Everybody salsa. Everybody salsa. Everybody salsa. Everybody salsa. Everybody salsa.

Everybody salsa. Salsa. Salsa! So good. So good. It came from none other than Dave Benson Phillips himself. Mm-hmm. Verified Tick.

The man who wants us to leave him out of it added us at video's official and told us, it's official and told us what to do with our weekends. Salsa, everyone. That's what we need to do. Everybody. Everybody. Yeah. Did you guys do it? Oh, I salsed hard. Yeah. Okay. I didn't actually. And I feel kind of bad. Um, so very nice of Dave to notice us, Sempai. Um, the video's official account replied to his tweet said, love you, Dave. We stand with you in salsadarity. Uh, the reply from him was, thank you, exclamation mark. Hashtag sing with me, DBP.

So he's clearly on a drive, which is fine. You know, we all want to promote our stuff in this trying time. But I did tell Dave as well in a separate tweet that I would give him a shout out because on his channel, Webby Telly, he's posting various songs of him playing his guitar. Not just everybody salsa, but that is the highlight. To keep children entertained up and down the nation. and he's done one live stream a couple of weeks ago where he could sing along with DBP live on the internet.

Oh my God. And I believe he's got a new one coming up as well on Facebook. So I don't know if it will have happened by the time this podcast goes out. But if you follow at Dave Benson Phil with two L's on Twitter, then you can find out about his, or find him on Facebook, then you can find out about his live Facebook sing-alongs for Tots and big tots like me. Oh, I didn't know about the live streams.

That sounds amazing. Yeah. So, well done, Dave, for contributing to the society that we're in at the moment. We live in a society. We live in a society. And it's a strange society in that he did tweet that at us and then replied, which was especially weird. As you pointed out earlier, Peter, he actually tweeted that at a number of places.

Yeah. To, I think, just try and get it shared around. And I don't, I think he then deleted it afterwards, but shortly after the vidiates account replied to him, he tweeted it at us again. He did the identical tweet. I think maybe we were on just some sort of list of accounts he wanted to get around to and he forgot he'd already done it. So for a little while, he sent the exact same thing to us twice. Every bardi salsa. Every bardi salsa.

We're on Dave's list. That's a good feeling. I like that. Yeah. Hopefully it's not some sort of kill list. All right now. It's the end. Everybody saucers like the tape from the ring. You watch it in it. You've got seven days.

Oh, no. Oh, God. Okay. Next question. This is from Ami Dosange at Ami Dosanj on Twitter. If you had the option, well, this is sort of appropriate given what we were just talking about. If you had the option to find out how and when you die, would you find out? Absolutely not. Ooh. Oh. Two different ends of the spectrum there. Okay, Peter explain. Well, I feel like if I knew,

if it was just a case of someone said, oh, you're going to die by, for example, getting hit by a car, but didn't tell me when, then I would feel dreadful, you know, all the time. I would never want to even go outside, let alone cross the road, but, you know, I might even think that just being outside

a car might come off the road and hit me. But if someone said, I can guarantee you that even when I give you this knowledge, this is still going to happen, You were going to die on, you know, the 5th of February, 2060. You're going to be shot in the face by an armed bank robber while you're taking out some cash. Then I feel like for the rest, for all the time between that, I would know, you know, nothing's going to kill me. You know, I can't, I'm effectively immortal.

Yeah, I was thinking that. You're like Superman now. I take issue with that. because that sounds like you could potentially suffer from some kind of fable or horrifying fairy tale situation where actually what ends up happening is yeah my head can do whatever you want but well no is in on your way to feeling feeling like you're immortal on your way to knowing when you're going to die you could end up like comatose or something like that like yeah you're not dead because you felt like like you could do whatever you wanted but ultimately you know you still your quality of life

has gone down drastically in some way. No, I mean, strange repercussion. That's not actually what I, that's, it came out the wrong way. It came out like I thought, oh, well, that means I literally can't die between now and 2060, you know, but what I meant was, I think I would be a lot less stressed and worried about my health and, you know, just like I wouldn't, you know, I don't like flying very much and, you know, I don't really think that I'm going to die when I get on a plane. But I certainly think it would probably help if I got on a plane and thought,

well, at least I know that, like, this plane isn't going to crash. I'm definitely going to arrive somewhere alive. You're looking at this in the positive way, though, Peter, what if you get the death sentence? It's only, like, two months away. Well, I know, but then, even then, it's like, I think I just really like knowing exactly when it's going to be, even if it is two months away, or even if it is in 2060,

but then by the time I get to the year 259, I realize I've only got a year left to live. You know, I think it's good to know exactly what. when it's going to happen. So you can get all your affairs in order. I'm not saying that I would be really pleased if someone told me tomorrow, oh yeah, you've got a bullet lodged in you from when you were young that you forgot all about and it's going to kill you in like six months time. Like, I wouldn't, I wouldn't like that news, but at least, you know, I would be able to, you know, you can get your affairs on order. You can plan your life around that pretty much. Like,

you can plan your retirement very easily, knowing exactly when you're going to die. Plus you can wear a fancy suit or something on your final day, so you go out and style. Yeah, the only really bad thing I think about that whole scenario would be if they told you the manner of your death, in fact maybe I wouldn't like to know that aspect, I'd just like to know

when it was, because if someone said, oh yeah, you're going to die in 2060 and you're going to fall into a vat of acid that really, really slowly burns you away over a period of like five hours, then I would just be terrified, you know, and the closer I got to that date, I would, you know, you

would be in just the worst possible state in the last few days of your life, knowing that that awaited you. You're at your job as a surveyor and you see, you notice at the top of the paper, today's work, the acid plant. Oh, no, it's happening. I don't want to do it. That would be my exact reason why I wouldn't want to know is I think there are some things in life you're just better off not knowing because it would ruin it.

Like that level of, that's something that no person should know. is when they die. Well, some people do know, though, unfortunately. Well, yeah, in very sad, specific cases. But I think in this case, it would be some sort of spiritual, philosophical nightmare to be aware of when you're going to die, you know, and the manner. My thoughts on it would be, it'd be like a timed mission in a game where you just see that counter-ticking down and you're stressed

because you haven't done everything you wanted to in a lot of time. I think for me, it'd be like that ticking clock would be forever be a measure of It's like, shit, I haven't done this, I haven't done that. Oh, God. And then I'd probably spend the last few years my life banging my head against walls in a room, just waiting for it to take me. I think I'd rather just go, with a bang and a nice surprise, just take, take me, take me, but don't tell me about it.

Just have a brick thrown at your head. A nice, a nice dettle bath. Put the body in a dettled bath. Yeah. Maybe that's the acid bath you fall into, Peter. You see me in this. In his dental bath and you fall in with me and we just both disintegrate slowly. Oh God, me and you just dying in the bath together.

Jesus cry, I'm not cleaning it up. No, that's fair. You guys knew that this was going to happen. Well, if you leave us for like two weeks, we'll essentially turn to goop, so you just take the plug out and we'll go down the drain. I don't want to reach in there. I don't want to reach into the Peter and Mikey soup, sink soup. No, it's one of the rare baths where the chain hasn't been snapped. Oh, I didn't think those existed.

There's not that many left, I think. Who makes those chains? Have they all died out? Where is that person? I think they're made of the same thing. They're made by the same people who make dry spaghetti. You know, it's just the most brittle thing possible. Yeah.

Plug chain man. Yeah. Where's the hero when we need him? Or her. Or her. Or her. Yeah, plug chain man could be a woman. Mm-hmm.

Could be. It doesn't matter. it. Men can be women and women can be men. Yeah, she's still called plug-chain man, but she's not a man. Yes. It's how she chooses to identify, and that's okay, exactly. I mean, her real identifiers, the plug-chains,

that's all that matters. Yeah. What's not okay is her dereliction of duty, or his duty. Who's got a thing? I've got a thing. I've been looking this week at the CBBC website.

For those who are not in the UK and haven't been listening to our content regularly for the past two, three years, CBBC is Children's BBC, the home of, you know, Dave Benson Phillips and the Chuckle Brothers, etc. They've got a website, and on it they have a quiz tab. and I've brought along some quizzes one of which you guys can choose and we will go through it and you can find out which thing are you

Yeah When you say thing What is what is that? Well there's various options That's my point Okay so we can be various things You can So what are you expecting from the CBBC

Which Thing Are You types of quizzes You know maybe it's going to be Which member of S Club 7 Not S Club 7 But you know The modern version Of S Club 7

Which Dennis the Menace character Are you Yeah something nice like that Which blue Peter dog are you Exactly Well here we are with CBBC

The Quiz Number 1 Which Cairngorms animal are you Excuse me What, sorry who From Monroe to Glen The Scottish Cairngorns

are filled with Some of the most unique creatures in the UK Take our Cairngorms test to find out which animal best represents you. God. Okay. Wow.

So that's number one. We go to CBBC quiz number two. What mustache should you have? Oh, that's a good one. Okay, I like that one. Find out what mustache is your match by taking this quiz. Quiz number three, what type of balloon are you? Oh, no.

Are you a helium balloon, hot air balloon, weather balloon? Oh, right. Okay. How many types of balloons are there? Or balloon model. And what does that say about you? Question mark, exclamation mark. Sorry, what's a balloon model?

Called Bobby. As in, I think, a Bobby Babaloon-y kind of balloon animal. A creation. A creation. Yeah, having a party. Number four, remember we are on the CBBC website here. Which water sport are you? Oh, what?

Do you go with the flow or jump ship when things get difficult? Do you test the water out before trying something new? Or dive in head first to face a new challenge? Find out which water sport. Yellow or mellow? Exactly, yeah. Find out which water sport you are with our super fun quiz.

And finally, and this is the one for us, surely, which inspirational woman are you? Yes. Have you ever wondered which of the amazing women from history you're most like? Wonder no more.

Fantastic. Does it say when this quiz was done? I mean, they're on an up-to-date modern version of the website. It's not like some old archived page. I think it's pretty... It's a news round quiz, apparently. Okay, I'd like to know which woman I am.

Yeah, is that what you want? You can be Ken Gorm's animal, which moustache should you have, what type of balloon are you, which water sport are you, or which inspirational woman are you? Well, we've got to go, I think, how many are you allowed to do?

I think we should just pick one, and we can always do more later, but for now... That's true. Well, it's got to be inspirational. woman for me or balloon that's my two choices actually i kind of want to know what balloon i am maybe we should do one each uh so ben do you maybe want to do inspirational women yeah i'll find out that we all want to do inspirational women don't we of course uh and mike you can do bobby babaluni okay ben no ben pick a school subject maths science music

PE, English or history Science? Science. There are five questions and then it's going to pick a woman for you. Wow, okay. Number two, there's a picture of two monkeys and it says, your best friend thinks you are creative, fun, courageous, hardworking, clever

or strong. Let's go for strong. Strong. Yeah, fast isn't an option. Fast isn't there, but that's a physical straight straight straight so what's that

going on so question three how do you feel about group projects love them happy in a

group or alone or group projects are awful happy in a group or alone yeah

okay question four what's your favorite animal and I hope it's one of these because it doesn't give

you the option to say what your favorite animal is dog cat lion

penguin dolphin or zebra dog, cat, lion penguin or zebra penguin dolphin or zebra yeah penguin dolphin or zebra there's no warrants option

no, okay let's just go for cat shall we? Cat, not lion big cat No okay I know cat

And final question Your friend tells you someone is being mean to them What do you do Is it A, cheer up your friend B confront the bullet Orly, or C, try to get both to be friends.

A. G, friend up. Yeah, because there's, you know, if they've come to me, unless they ask me to do something, it's their battle to fight, isn't it? All you can do is comfort them. Okay, before I reveal which inspirational woman you are from history, who would you like to be

or who do you think you might be? Is it vaguely science-related? Ben, you are Beyonce. You're charming, creative and energetic, just like Beyonce. She's been practicing and performing music and dance since she was really young and has become one of the most successful musicians in the world. She has always worked hard and has been releasing music since 1997, over 20 years ago. Whoa!

That's before I was. was born. Congratulations on being B. Okay. I mean, that's not, I mean, she's, she's, she's an impressive and powerful woman, but I don't know that I would classify her as, as inspirational in the sense that I was expecting this quiz. Yeah, presumably she's alongside the likes of, you know, Florence Nightingale and Mary Curie. Joan of Arc. Yeah. She's also not really a historical figure. I mean, she existed in history, but she's also in the present. 20 years ago. live yeah wow well there we go ben yonze i'm being i'm ben ence benonce mike we've got five

questions here for you to find out what kind of balloon you are okay well this fills me with dread now if we get biance we're going to get balloon nonce now um right so mikey choose a food um curry and rice marshmallows pizza that's got the toppings around changed into a smiley face on it. Does it specify that? I can see it. There's photos instead of... Or like a sort of veggie salad with cuss-cus and stuff.

I would love a curry and rice. Yeah? Currie and rice. Okay. The 50's extra worth of curry. Mikey, where are you at a party? And I don't think one of the options is batting against the ceiling, just floating up in the corner of the room.

Making creative concoctions from different drinks Breaking up an argument Watching other people Or teaching a dance move to your friends Probably's teaching a dance move It's me spinning on the floor all over again Yeah Nah!

Okay I've done a lot of that in this podcast Okay choose an animal Polar Bear Irangutan Mea Cat or Dog I'm gonna go orangutan rang his hand

I think they're fun they're cugly yeah how do your friends describe you observant energetic emotional or flexible Jesus Christ none of those things

but I guess what was the second one Energetic Let's go energetic Yeah Flexible And finally Choose a song

Perfect by Ed Sheeran This is me by Keala Settle I have no idea that is Havana by Camilla Cabello or Camilla it might be

and Paradise by George Ezra sounds like you're kind of music I love all this I can't even like picture one of those songs in my head just give me Paradise Paradise

that feels I mean just from the title alone I'm feeling good balloon energy from that yeah Okay, Mikey, what kind of balloon would you like to be? I want to be a little twisted elephant. Okay. Michael Johnson, you are a hot air balloon. Yes.

That's quite a good one, actually. You love talking and expressing your emotions. You get angry when you see injustice in the world. You know, just like a hot air balloon. Just like hot air balloon. Yeah. PC hot air balloons out there. Yeah.

But you've always got friends around you to calm down and bring you back to Earth. So I assume my friends are the people pulling that rope and unleashing fire inside of me. I guess so, although that should be sending you into the sky, surely. That's right. Okay, so they're not pulling that when the one will be coming down. Your friend is gravity.

There we go. Oh, that's quite sweet. I enjoy that. Wow. There we go. Just like a hot air balloon. Fantastic. That's amazing. What a quiz.

Yeah, I know. God. CBBC, man. You know, I expected, you know, Which one of Okie Doak's animal friends are you? Which Blue Peter presenter are you? Yeah. There's lots of arguments going around at the minute

for abolishing the BBC's license fee. I wasn't on board of it until now. I say we absolutely get rid of the license fee if this is what the money's going towards. Someone got paid to do that. Amazing. Fantastic. Thank you, Peter.

It's amazing. It's time for another question. This one comes from Bon Bon Bon Bon's At Specter Zero One on Twitter. What was The Incident at your school? Mine was when the science teacher blew up a bird bath in science and a chunk of concrete almost caved in someone's head. Oh, my God. Wow.

Does anyone have a The Incident? I'm trying to think what The Incident was. There were a couple of incidents. Yeah, I mean, probably the biggest one I think I've already told before, which is I was sitting next to a boy. We were far too old for this to be happening. He should have known way better. But I was sitting next to a boy who, in like year 10, who had a pair of scissors, like old metal, all metal scissors,

like they were almost rusty. And we were in the science lab. And he opened the scissors so that the blades were slightly apart, poked the two blades into the bottom two holes of a, plug socket he then got a metal compass out and poked the top

poked one end into the top of the plug socket and connected the other end up to the metal scissors and nothing happened because the switch was off but the girl next to him

reached over and turned the switch on at which point there was this sparking and the scissors actually got sort of spat out of the plug and we're all black on the end and smoke came out

all the lights went out and he was then banned from science lessons for... It was banned from electricity. He was banned from everything. He was no longer allowed to learn science. Is that what the school's ruling was? Well, they said that he couldn't go in the science labs for the foreseeable.

I think they eventually let him back here a couple of weeks later. But what we found out sometime after that was that all of the goldfish in one of the adjacent science labs all died because their filter had broken and no one realized

and they ended up just dying. It's manslaughter, surely. Yeah, absolutely. So that was an incident that happened at my school. I got a quick question. The girl who pressed the switch, did she like say them?

Do you want me if press the switch or did she just go ahead and do it? We were watching this guy stick the stuff in and we were like, oh, that's stupid. Why are you doing that? That's really daft and dangerous.

And then I think she, when we realized nothing was happening because the switch was off, she almost, I think she wanted to get him into trouble as much as anything else. Like, oh, if you're going to be an idiot, I'm going to make you even more of an idiot by actually introducing real danger into this situation. So, yeah, she did it just to, I don't know, just to cause chaos. Nice. Respect that. And she didn't get in trouble for it.

No one grassed her up because we weren't like that. unbelievable yeah we weren't like that we weren't like that no we didn't round anyone in my school yeah absolutely not stabbed

yeah what about you Mikey I think my favourite was the time someone pissed in the water fountain oh no we had like little water fountains

all around the school it was really nice you know we have a little drink between classes and one day it was actually one of my friends

that did it he just pissed in the fountain and so the water got showing off to them forever, and we were never allowed to drink from the fountains again. Thanks, John O. Forever. Forever.

Johno. And there was the time there was a kid running, like sprinting to get the school dinner, and he tripped, and he cracked his head on, like, a corner of a wall, and it was just a funny mental image of someone so desperate for the dinner that they tripped over and cracked the head open. He was fine, thankfully, but he still got a scar. Oh, God. amazing

there was a boy who was caught getting a blow job in a cupboard at one point oh my God from another from a girl

a woman and I think there was another time where we were doing some sort of minutes silence you know

Catholic guilt and all that we'd just be quiet and think about what someone else did and how that's our fault and stood there for a bit

and there's just this loud crash and a boy it just passed out while stood up and he just fell right over backwards and smacked his head into the floor and knocked himself out and I don't really know why that happened but yeah just kind of stuff that happens you know just the kind of stuff that happens to school

I also remember at one point there was because our school was right next to another school like the fences were next to each other and some kid from the other school came around, do you remember mini-motos? Yeah. Like the little tiny motorbikes that for some reason they sold to people.

This kid just came into our school once and was just driving it up and down the playground. And the teachers came out to ask him to go away and then he just sped off again. Like it came out to catch him and he just sped off and I was like, what is going on? The teachers came out on their mini-motos and chased them down.

They called the police and three police officers on mini-motos. Zoomed after him. Yeah. For me, of course, it's just called a moto. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, naturally. We had, I think, in lower sixth form or possibly, again, we were far too old.

Some kids had decided that one of the boys' houses, which was just down the road from the school, he lived like really close. They were going to have Fight Club at lunchtime. Oh my God They were going to go and fight And it was spreading around the school Like wildfire Because you know rule number one

About Fight Club Is tell everyone about Fight Club Yeah And on day one of Fight Club Three teachers turned up At the allotted time To Fight Club to say Right we're not doing

Like what are you doing This is You guys have not kept this secret at all Stop it Come back to school One of the teachers Are going to take part Yeah take their shirts off

Have a fight No it was like It was just so ironic that rule one of fight club don't talk about fight club three teachers arrived on day one like what are you doing that's so good

I could never be a teacher or a headmaster because the shit you have to put up with and keep a straight face like imagine rocking up to a kid's fight club and telling them to disperse all kids just think that their stupid bullshit ideas are like the most original things that no one has ever thought of

ever and teachers just have to suffer through it. Although I do have one vivid memory of being in year seven and it was like, it was our first week at the high school and the deputy head who was this really small lady

and that's even me saying that. This really small lady who had a very strong nasal voice was that she was delivering her assembly like this warning us about being well behaved at their school and one of the last things she told us to do was

stay away from Smoker's Corner and we all left that assembly thinking why are you acknowledging that Smoker's Corner exists? Why not just say don't smoke on the school premises but no it was stay away from Smoker's Corner Smokers Corner Yeah wow sounds like some sort of pirate treasure cove

Yeah exactly Alright be dug in Smokers Corner I also just absolutely wrecked my waveform when I said stay away from Smoker's Corner there. Oh, no. See, you said you should. You should have stayed away, shouldn't you really? Yeah. Consider that warning, Peter.

Stay away. Rip, airphone users and smokers because you're going to die. It's time for a thing. Mikey. I'm going to do my thing. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

it's time for us to apologize. We've made some grave mistakes and it's time we came clean. We've had fun during this podcast, but now. we not need to get serious. But this is a game, the apology game. So, in this game, we'll each be apologising for some unspeakable acts we've done.

The catch is, the person apologising doesn't know what they're sorry for, but the two of the people asking questions do know. So the person who's apologising has to figure out what they're apologising for through the questions that they're asked. Easy, yes. Yes. It'll make sense as we get into. it. So we've all prepared things we're apologising for for each other. And through the line

of questioning, it's almost going to be kind of like a soft interrogation, like a press conference, where through the questions, we're slowly going to figure out what it is we're apologising for. Now, I'm going to say, Peter, do you want to apologize first? Absolutely. I'd love to. Quick question. Is there like a certain amount of questions we're going to ask them before they have to guess? That's a good. I didn't think about the specifics of this. Let's just say we'll go for a couple of minutes. And if it gets painful, we'll stop.

All right. Okay. Peter, mute yourself. Right, I will deafened myself. I am now deafened. Right. You can't hear us. Cool.

No. Do you want me to do mine first? Yeah, go for it. Okay, so today Peter is apologizing for having an affair with my mother for 10 years. Whoa. Okay. Come back, Pete. Okay, I'm back.

Oh, wow. Nice. Hello. Hello. Right. Hello. So, Mr. Austin, what do you have to say for yourself? Yeah, well, thanks all for coming.

Apart from the Daily Mail, I would have appreciated if you could have stayed out of this. But I'm just here to say sorry publicly to everyone for what I did. It wasn't right. You know, admittedly, what I'm sorry for is the sort of any offense I may have caused or anyone I may have harmed in what I did. but I'm I'm I would do it I would have done it again I'm going to say it I would do it again wow strong words so how did how did it start Peter well um oh is this lockdown you see um I just couldn't I was I was I was so bored I was that bored that I thought hey how can I how can I entertain myself and I thought wow you know I thought long and hard

and I thought yeah you know what nothing brings me more pleasure than uh well you know i'd rather not say exactly what i did i don't want to think about it but yeah it hurts to hear it to be honest yeah yeah uh peter austin peter austin yes yes you from the from the daily ben yeah i'm dick shithead daily mail uh we all know it went on longer than just quarantine period though didn't we um yeah well you know what can i've i've got stamina you know and um uh

you've got a the thing is old habits die hard and we were in lockdown for what six weeks and when you've been doing something that long it's quite difficult to break the habit once she get out of lockdown

and I thought you know what I've started so I'll finish eventually not yet did you think at the family at any point during this do you think about the repercussions your actions would have

um well you know sometimes um i thought about lots of things while i was doing it um you know i thought about thought about uh thought about the family i thought about uh boris johnson i thought about the queen i thought about uh i thought about myself quite a lot that's what i do um but um you know like i say i'd do it again i do it again i just enjoyed it so much uh what did the what did the husband think when he found out? Oh, well, you know, at first I think he was really disappointed in what, you know, that I had done such a thing. But I don't know if he's actually said this publicly, but, you know, I'm not, I'm not so bad. You know, he actually seemed pretty interested eventually. He

thought, well, you know, that looks kind of fun. And so he might not have said so publicly, but he actually got involved for a brief period of time. And who can blame me? Do you have any words for the sun? Oh, God. Not the newspaper. The newspaper or? No, I've got no words for the son. For the son?

Yeah, well, you know, I'm sorry to the son because, you know, he's not old enough to understand exactly why I did what I did. And I can only say to him that I'm really sorry. But the husband, nah. Get out of here. Wow. Would you like to take a guess at what you've done? Oh my God.

Something with a husband and a son. It went on for a long period of time after lockdown. I can't even begin to guess. It's quite a range of options. Did I... Have I had some... some kind of affair? You have?

Oh, I have. Do you want to try and guess who with? Yeah, well, that's what I'm thinking. Like, I think the clue might be that there's a husband and a son. I'm trying to think who famously has a son, maybe in the Vidiot's universe. You're on the right track, I guess. Yeah, I thought it's... The son.

Um... Oh, God. Does this situation make recording this podcast any more difficult? a bit more awkward um oh god I'm just do you want the answer

yeah maybe I do need an answer yeah you've been having an affair with my mother for ten years oh my god Mikey you dirty boy you're the son

I'm the son how could you have I see I was trying to think of someone specific like you know someone named like Milo or Bobby Babylonie or something there we go in law character now

Mikey I'm so sorry it's okay I forgive you I mean as he said it you know it's it is good it is good yeah that no that feels wrong to say I'm not saying that fantastic well

should we do someone else now yeah let's do a Ben okay Right, I will disappear briefly. Here I go. All right, Peter, do you want to do yours for Ben? Yeah, he's pretending to be a mongoose in someone's wall cavity. Okay, let's do that.

Hello, Ben. Hello, he's back. I'm good. I saw the typing. Good. Okay. Take it away. Hello, everyone. I'm glad you could all join me, and I'm really sorry.

Sorry, that it couldn't be under better circumstances. No, Flash Photography, please. I'm sorry, it couldn't be under better circumstances. I will now be taking a limited amount of questions. Please keep them clean and no biting. Thank you. Hi. Flash Photography from Rad News.

Okay, hi. Hi. What drove you to do this? It's such an odd thing to do. I've just always been really interested in that sort of kind of thing I was a real fanatic growing up read a lot of magazines a lot of magazines cover that kind of subject actually and I sort of learned it from just consuming popular media

I know that there was an arc sort of a character arc that Ross went through in friends that was very similar and I just sort of learned it from there really and I just wanted to just wanted to try it for myself So what made you choose the family as the target? Just didn't like them, really. I just thought they looked smug and they'd had it good for a long time. You know, lived in a big house.

They all had at least three phones between them. Oh, monsters. I agree. Yeah, see, thank you, right? I'm not the one on trial here. Am I? It's supposed to be impartial, but I can't help but agree with you, so. Yeah. So I think they just deserved it, really, quite.

frankly. Did the size of the house, as you say, the big house, did that help things? The fact that it was so big? Well, there were just a lot of rooms in which to, you know, perpetrate the act, so to speak. So not only did it fuel my disdain for the family, but it also provided sort of avenues of plenty in which to execute what I was trying to do. What kind of activities did you get up to you while you're in the house? Oh, you know, just the stuff, just the stuff that I was there for. I read some more of those magazines. I just practiced sort of running on the spot, did some push-ups, you know, took a bath.

And yeah, just got on with it, really. Just waited for the perfect moment. I heard that afterwards you were sort of bragging about what you'd done and, you know, thinking you were super clever and special, you know, do you still think that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I don't see why I wouldn't feel that way.

If anything, I've proven that that's the case through my actions. Right. So how does the shape-shifting aspect work? Because right now in front of us, you're a human, but during the events, you weren't. Well, I have to hold my breath until I turn. blue at which point I let out a sort of a very high-pitched squeaking noise and then I think really hard about what I want to turn into and then it just sort of happens. Okay. And was the intention to transform fully into the intended form or was it intentional that your extremities

remained the same? I got, honestly, I got interrupted halfway through. I was doing it in the bath. I'd never done, I'd never transformed in the bath before. And I thought, maybe this is a nice relaxing environment to do that. And then it just sort of went, um, I didn't, I didn't finish, so to speak, you know. Mm. Okay. Well, I wonder whether you might not have enough information to, to apologize. Absolutely. Absolutely don't. Really? No, I have no idea. It's something to do with shape shifting. Yeah. Maybe there's a house involved. There's a, there's a, family. Did I turn into someone's family member? No. You turned into a non-human thing and your hands and feet remained the same. They were human. Okay. Was I some sort of mongoose?

You were. Okay. So I was Jeff the mongoose? You were. You were pretending to be a mongoose in someone's wall cavity. Okay, well that's fun. Glad I did that, quite frankly. Well done, Ben. Well done. Well done. Thank you. Thank you. Goodbye. Bye. Okay, Peter. Are you ready?

Yes. Mikey farted on the queen. Oh, God. And it actually killed her. Oh, no. Yeah. Okay. I can't even find the box.

Hello. There we go. Mikey. Hello. Hello. Hello. Are you ready to go on trial? Yeah.

Oh, give me a second. Let's do this. Ladies and gentlemen, I come before you today, a sorry man, but a proud man. I know what I've done may not be right, but I think it's for the best. I will now take some questions, please. Thank you. Okay. Michael Johnson, Michael Johnson, I'm religious botherer, Daily Express. Yes, sir, please.

what do you say to the the sort of rare return to capital punishment that we're seeing as a result of your crimes well you know if if the crime fits hang them that's what I always say and I'll be honest today what I did fully justifies a hanging I just wish I did it more oh yeah hi I'm Michael Johnson

from your dad. Hello, yes. I'm really disappointed in you, son, and I wonder if you could explain what motivated you to do this. Well, it's just one of those things where you walk past and you see it there and you think yourself,

could do that. I could, you know, there's nothing stopping me. And every day, there's little thought just battles away at you. And eventually, after several months, it's just, you just kind of cave. It's human nature. It's got to be done.

And I will say it was pleasurable, but it definitely didn't last long enough. Michael Johnson, I'm the Royals correspondent from the Independent. I just want to know, would you finally admit that the farting was a bit much? No, I refuse. That's been me since day one. The farting is never too much. And if anyone who can't accept that, that's their problem. not mine. I think I'm a shining gold standard of farts across the world. And if someone doesn't

like that, I think that's, that's a them problem. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is. Okay. Okay. We were wondering whether you think this actually fits in with the Diana assassination conspiracy at all, or whether it's, in this case, it's purely to do with one of the member of the family. Right. Well, I was hoping you to ask about that. Because I've been seeing rumors online that, you know, this is, this is a, it's, it's not at all linked to Diana. I honestly can't say what happened to Diana. I think there's been rumors of farting being involved there as well, but I don't, maybe she did a big trump behind the wheel and that's what happens. But I think, for me at least, it's no involvement from me.

And I would appreciate less conspiracy questions in the audience, please. Thank you. Michael Johnson, Michael Johnson, did you have to do it on her birthday? Well, that was the right day to do it. It was supposed to be a big surprise for her. I thought it's what she wanted, but I guess not. I guess after all this, I didn't do the right thing. I thought at the time I was doing what was best for everyone in that room.

But no, I don't think so. Yeah, hi. Do you know where the toilets are here? Just two doors down on your left. Yeah, thank you very much. I suppose you've used them fairly regularly, haven't you? Oh, all the time, yeah. Yeah, I just constant, constant.

Always streaming out. Okay. Michael Johnson, Michael Johnson. Hello. Do you feel any remorse bearing in mind that she can't be laid to rest with the rest of her family due to the contaminants that remain present in the corpse? It's a crying shame, but I think I'm going to talk to the morticians. I know some excellent guys who.

could maybe make it possible, but I think, I don't know, I think saying goodbye to the dead is overrated anyway, I don't think you need to see them that one last time, so it'll be fine. Can I take a guess? Yeah, absolutely.

Did I shit on the queen or something? Very close. You farted on the queen and killed her. Oh, wow. You did. Poor queenie. I'm deeply sorry. I was for a while I was thinking I did it to a corgis or something but

no the queen herself actually the queen you killed Liz Michael Johnson farted on the queen and I'm being put the death sentence for that is that right yeah it's treason yeah fair fair enough actually off with your head get out lovely thank you very much boys for taking part and admitting our our awful awful acts that was wonderful I hope you all feel a bit better Got a question here from Big Titty Jesus 42 at Big Titty Jesus 42 on Twitter What was your favourite toy as a kid?

God I think I've talked before about my action man That was on a sled And had a wolf pulling it No, I don't think you have That sounds sick Really? I've definitely talked to someone about it

In the past year or so And it seems like a poddy, it's kind of thing It was an action man He was like the Arctic action man I'm going to like Google it well I'm talking about it but and yeah

he had this sledge that had like all this gadgetry on it it had like a little satellite dish and I don't know if it fired little orange missiles or not but he

it was being pulled by I think it was more like a wolf than a husky but the best thing was on the collar of the husky oh here it is I've got a picture of it there was a little orange button

and when you pressed it it would play one of three sounds. One of them was just the sound of

like Arctic wind which sounded terrible out of this plastic speaker it was just the other one

was the satellite dish beeping so that was just bloop but the third one was the wolf howling and it was

amazing it was a really good howl sound effect it wasn't just howl. Mp3 that you hear in every single video game and movie.

It was like a really good one. Wow, that's a picture of it. Scary looking wolf. Yeah. God, look at that unit. I know. The action man isn't present in that picture, but that's what it was.

I remember the adverts for this. Wow. Yeah. That's cool. That was one of my favorite toys. How many adventures did you take them on? Oh, loads. You know, the worst thing about getting an action man,

having seen it on the adverts, was that the kids would always have a really cool place to play with their action men in. Like, you know, it looked like an actual cliff or tundra. Like a snowy tundra in the bedroom. Yeah. And then you'd just be like skating him around the carpet and bumping him into the skirting board and stuff.

That's very true. I often find myself sort of, rather than having original fun with my toys, just sort of trying to recreate the levels of fun I saw in the adverts. Yeah. But you could write that though, Peter. Oh, absolutely. That's probably why I liked it so much. Yeah. I can't say fairer than that.

What about you, Mikey? I think it was less of fun toy, more sentimental toy, but whenever me and my family went on holiday to Spain, I think Tenerife in particular, we'd always go to the Laurel Park, which is the Parrot Park, obviously being Parrot Boy, that was like always the highlight of my year. I'd go around seeing parrots everywhere. I think one of our early visits there, we went and we bought a plush little toy parrot for me. And I've had that toy forever, and it's my favorite little thing. It's just like a little McCall plush toy. He went with me everywhere as a kid. I even took him into school one day, where I accidentally threw him on the roof of the building. Oh, God, accidentally.

Yeah. The purgiant had to go up on some ladders and get it down for me. But I think usually with kids' toys, they either get lost or damage pretty regularly. I mean, sentimental ones usually not so much. But he's still with me. Well, not right now. He's abandoned up in Newcastle in my wardrobe at a minute. I still think about them every day.

Little Polly, my little parrot. Aw. That's so nice. What about you, Ben? I inherited my dad's Thunderbirds figures. Oh, sick. Wow. Well, not figures.

The little sort of die-cast metal vehicles from Thunderbirds. I didn't have all of them, but I had Thunderbird. What was it? Thunderbirds? two? Was that the green one? Yeah, that's not about two. Yeah, I had that one at the very least. And I got a secondhand Tracy Island.

Oh, you know the one. The one that they made on Blue Peter because they sold out up and down the UK. Oh, wow, yeah. Yeah, that was the new one. Yeah, that was the second. They did a, because they did a new one, didn't they, at one point. Right. But I think this one was like the original old, old, old one that I somehow got. And, yeah, you could like pull the palm to.

tree and the front of the thing would fold down where Thunderbird 2 was hiding and like the swimming pool you could rotate it and that there was a like a little cavern for maybe was it Thunderbird 3 or Thunderbird 1 to take off from um that was awesome and uh I had a similar thing with Captain Scarlett as well oh I had a cloud base or whatever it was called and I had the the angels what are they called something angels oh yeah I miss all these weird puppet programs Those are my very favourite I was very lucky to get my dad's old toys from the...

I'm sorry, I'm just reading through the Captain Scarlet Wikipedia page It is one of several Anderson's series that were filmed using a form of electronic marionette puppetry dubbed Super Mario Nation What does that mean? That's amazing I don't know if it's just because

when they did the close-ups of the hands They were human hands Yeah, do you remember that? They used two hands for all the close-ups. I had a Thunderbirds VHS One of the It was a two episode thing One of them was like not super exciting

It was like something about I think it was like a super fast Like supersonic jet plane had been hijacked or something But the second one was called attack of the alligators And it was this lab in like the Florida swamps Had made this stuff that they were feeding to rabbits That made rabbits really big And then they poured it down the drain And it ended up in the swamp

and the alligators had it and they were giant but so what they did was they used like baby alligators and little sets that were like the size you know like tiny little houses and these baby alligators looked like they were the size of a house just destroying it it was really cool it's so clever it was all just perspective and yeah oh my god I've just found a picture and it that is amazing I'm sending that through now holy shit

okay it's kind of like Dave the Lupus that film where the killer bunnies take over. Oh God, yeah, that one's not even grown. That's them just looking at an alligator on the bank. But, yeah, that's the episode. I love that show. I love that show so much. Yeah, so did I.

It's got all about Captain Scarlett and that weird, see it like network of puppet TV series. Mr. Ons were scary. This is the voice of the Mr. Ones. So good. Brad. Okay, it's time for my thing. It's time for some more weird fake news.

Or is it? Ooh, who's to say? There's a... We live in a weird world right now where you never know what's true and what's not true because people are lying all the time and, you know,

fiction is not as strange as reality. Because everything's gone to shit. And it has been that way for a while. Fortunately, there's a great website called The Onion which posts satirical news stories and they used to be satirical, but now they're practically fact. I've got five stories here.

Some of them are from The Onion, the satirical news website. Some of them are real and true and from a subreddit called Not the Onion, which puts together a collection of news stories that look like they should have been written by the Onion, but are actually true. I have, as usual, slightly adjusted the titles of some of these articles, and I'm going to read them to you now, and then we'll go back through and you can tell me

which ones you think are true and which ones you think are from the onion. Are you ready? Number one. Florida churchgoers clearing cleaning product aisles in event that President Trump suggests it's a coronavirus cure.

Oh no. There's one. Number two, Florida Church ordered to stop selling bleach as COVID-19 miracle cure. Number three, it's a coronavirus one. Number three, senior advisor to the president praises US coronavirus response as a success story

as cases hit one million. God. We hit a million, guys. Yeah, we did it. We did it. We did it as a one. USA. USA.

Number four, American citizens discover their pets are at risk after first case of coronavirus spreading to ferris. No! No! No! Get steer away from the ferrets! Number five, Taiwan launches new baseball season with cardboard fans in the stands. Oh man, that's believable.

Shit. God, this is a hard one, because this all sounds real to me. Here are the five new stories again, but as we go through, you tell me if you think it's real, or an onion article. Florida churchgoers clearing clinic productiles in event that President Trump's suggests it's a coronavirus cure. Hmm. I think, I think false.

Yeah, I think there's some, yeah, it is, why church goes in particular? I don't know, yeah, let's say false, because I'm going to hope that's not true. That is the onion. Yeah. Yeah, the title was, man, just buying one of every cleaning product

in case Trump announces it. to the coronavirus cure. Oh, lovely. Next up, Florida Church ordered to stop selling bleach as COVID-19 miracle cure. I really hope this is also The Onion.

Yeah, I'm going to say The Onion for this. I want to say real. I'm going to think maybe diluted it down or something or they've proposed like a safe method and they're trying to sell it on. I want to say real. The Bradenton-based organization

falsely close. that the treatment is effective for a number of conditions, including Alzheimer's disease, brain disease, cancer, HIV and AIDS, according to the Food and Drug Administration. Oh, my God. And what is it, just bleach or? Uh, let's see. D-da-da-da-da-da-a-a-a-a-a-bradenton-Bade, I don't know how it's pronounced, based church, has been ordered to stop selling a bleaching agent as a miracle cure. Oh, my God, okay. Oh, my God.

I mean, they're right, it will cure it, but it'll also just end your life. Yeah, it will. Jesus. It will cure in a very brutal way. Next up, we've got senior advisor to the president praises US coronavirus response as a success story.

Its cases hit 1 million. This absolutely sounds true knowing the Trump administration. That's got to be true. Very much a self-congratulatory. Everything's terrible. Hey, we're doing great. President Donald Trump's senior advisor

and son-in-law, Jared Kushner, praised the administration's response to the coronavirus pandemic as a great success story on Wednesday, less than a day after the number of confirmed coronavirus cases in the United States, topped one million. Oh, boy. Fucking hell. Yeah.

Is America the worst hit country now? It's up there, yeah. I think it overtook China. Jesus Christ. Well, I mean, China's not reporting their numbers properly, but it's definitely one-of. It's definitely up there, for sure. Yeah. Well, Donald Trump is going to commit genocide.

Great. He's trying. Are you always doing it? American citizens discover their pets are at risk after first case of coronavirus spreading to ferret. I think this might be an onion article that you have reworded to include ferret, and maybe it was something a bit more silly beforehand, but you've made it viduets relevant by turning it into a ferret. I hope so, anyway. I'm going to say it true because I think I read about this.

Oh, no. It's an onion article. Oh, really? And here is the original title Americans react with indifference after first case of coronavirus spreading to pet ferret. Oh, it is ferret. But they just don't care.

They just don't care, basically. Yeah, it is harsh. Wow. The only reason I included it is because I thought, oh, it's ferret, that's weird. That's cute, but also, wow, fuck them. Yeah, I thought that would be true because ferrettes use a lot on animal testing

because their respiratory system's really similar at how the human one works. Usually they put through a lot of trials for, like, you know, illnesses and stuff. Oh, well, it's just someone hitting on ferrets. I mean, I'm kind of glad. I'm kind of glad. Yes, okay. The ferrets are okay. Ferret's all right. That's what we all know.

And finally, Taiwan launches new baseball season with Cardboard fans in stands. I believe that for sure, yeah. Yeah, like, I want that to be true. It's also just fun to say cardboard fans in stands. While Spectator sports are in an extended timeout around the world, a new baseball season has launched in Taiwan. But in place of actual ticket holders, crews set up mannequins and cardboard cutouts to sit in the stands.

Most carried signs and wore masks for safety, along with some home team merchandise. At Taiwan, an island nation has been more successful than most at containing the coronavirus. The government has reported 388 cases and six deaths in a population of around 24 million people. Wow, e. It's no one million, guys.

No, not a success story, is it really? Yeah. Child numbers. There we go. That's my thing. Some more news for you. Brilliant of it. I'll search baseball on Taiwan because I really want to see...

Yeah, I had to use a VPN to actually access the article. I can send you the link because it says, oh, we love our European readers. It's like, fuck you. Oh, I hear that. I've been able to find one, one second. I want to find one that's not ridiculously big.

There we go. It's a bit spooky, actually. Oh my God, the picture in the article. Look at them there. Yeah, okay, this is the same thing. It's sending... Thank God for my crappy internet. But wow.

I recommend Googling it because there's some good pictures in there I'll I'll paste this one in the yeah in the thing oh god that one's way worse oh they've got no legs

I've just noticed fuck oh dear it's way worse somehow that it's a mixture of cardboard cutats and mannequins it's just a strange

assortment it is okay we've got one last question one final question and that is from Scott Inside at

Great Scott, UK on Twitter. With money being no object, what is your dream 24 hours? Oh my God. Both no part. Bon, bum, bum, ma'uns. Cacius Lorraine.

Oh, that could be anything. This is, it's a... I would go to space. Oh yeah. Really? I would go to the International Space Station for 24 hours just to experience. Is your travel time allotted in the 24 hours? I don't know.

I don't know. I'm going to say the 24 hours begins when you get to the space station. Yeah, sure. The money could also just buy me a teleporter. Yeah. I mean, I think you can get to the moon in like four days. I think the space station is relatively low. It's like really close to the earth in the grand scheme of things.

So I bet you could get there and back in 24 hours. Yeah, just call an Uber, right? Yeah. God, I don't know. The possibilities are just too endless. The sky is literally the limit. God, I don't know. I think I would just, I don't think I'd go like super crazy.

I might not even leave the country. I think I would just, you know, be extravagant, have some really nice food. Like maybe go to a really Ponzi restaurant. Maybe not too Ponzi because then it's a bit stifling. But, you know, a really nice restaurant with like Michelin Stars. and god I don't know maybe like go go like pet some exotic animals

or something like that you know something that is available but very expensive to do I don't know it's so hard to think but there'll be loads of like experiences that you can buy for people's like anniversary presents that cost like hundreds of pounds that I will not be able to afford

you know like drive a supercar or you know something like that yeah maybe maybe drive a sports car The thing is, like, when people say, what would you buy if you won the lottery? Like, I know a lot of people say, oh, one of the first things I'd do is buy a super nice car. I wouldn't necessarily do that with lottery money. But if, you know, maybe just for a day, it might be quite fun to go and, you know, race around a track and something. I'm not that into cars, but it sounds like a fun, fun way to spend a day.

Yeah, I was thinking, I want to do some dirt rally racing. Oh, yeah. Because, uh, Hat Films did a video, like, a couple of years ago where I think just, like, a couple hundred quid, you can go to this place in Wales. It's just like an off-road track where you just get a drive around the car, don't need a driver's license for it, which is good for me. I just spend the 24 hours ripping up some grass and slowly learning to drive, I guess. Yeah. Actually, no, I guess the not being able to drive would be a bit of a barrier at first because rally driving is a bit harder than going down a motorway in a straight line.

But, you know, trial by fire, learn nice and quick. Yeah. You can be a good point. I'd uh you know I'd I'd I'd go around a track in a fast car I'd maybe then go and like pet some elephants or something but ones that are happy in like a good a good nature reserve not like um not like Tiger King ones that are just bred to be petted for selfies and then have some really nice food and then just go home and like you know watch watch some good stuff on a massive TV

nice with a nice new mattress oh yeah Nice new mattress. Yeah, I buy myself a memory phone mattress. Enjoy it for like the three hours that's left of the day. And then bam. Yeah. Perfect. Well, there we are.

That's all the questions. Just time for a quick update on the Hoover story. Oh, yeah. Oh. So, you know, I ordered this hoover online, right? It came, yeah? And I hoovered the whole flat with it. Oh.

And you will never, ever guess what happened next. What happened? Oh, no. We just have to We just have to find out next time We just have to find out next time Thanks so much for listening everybody Did you know that there's a website

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