Podiots - Podiots: Episode 55 - Dangly Doo

Episode Date: June 16, 2020

Mikey's got some questionable book titles, Peter's discussing his folks and Ben's quest for the fakest news continues!   Donate £3 or more to get a shoutout and join the Pod Squad! - https://streamlabs.com/podiotsdonations/ New merch: http://smarturl.it/Podiots Twitch: Twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord:  http://bit.ly/VidiotsDiscord Ben and Peter's channel 'TripleJump': https://www.youtube.com/teamtriplejump Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pickax During the Volvo Fall Experience event, discover exceptional offers and thoughtful design that leaves plenty of room for autumn adventures and see for yourself how Volvo's legendary safety brings peace of mind to every crisp morning commute. This September, lease a 2026 XC90 plug-in hybrid from $599 bi-weekly at 3.99%

during the Volvo Fall Experience event. Condition supply, visit your local Volvo retailer or go to explore Volvo.com. When was the last time your boys went to the supermarket? Oh, God. I'm in a fortunate position being in a household of five people, one of whom is not really got much work to do, that it's kind of fallen to them to go and do all the shopping. Because it doesn't make it any sense for five of us to expose ourselves to potential bugs. So I've not been to the supermarket for probably 12 weeks or, you know, 10 weeks or 11 weeks. Nice.

Well, the supermarket's currently my main source of fun at the minute. So, like, I kind of relish every opportunity I get to go and get some food. But I would be so stressed if I was that poor person getting shopping for a house of five people. Oh, yeah. I know. Well, we write a list. Normally, like, if someone was shopping for our household, there would probably be a bit. of a list but you know it would be a lot more footloose and fancy free you know just go in there

get some stuff enough stuff for five people to eat but uh yeah we it's a lot it's a much more regimented thing in fact at time of recording it's sunday and sunday evening is let's all sit down and write a proper list day so oh that sounds like do you build your whole day around that sunday is list day oh you got replenish you have to treat day haven't you you have yeah it's rest day enlist day. All the cupboards are empty now. Yeah. And you've got no more hoisting crispy owl. No. Fluffy rough. Garlic puddings running low.

All gone. Pork cylinders. Forget about it. God. Jeez. All this left is 20 cheese omelette and I don't want that at all. That'd be bad for me. Oh yeah. You'd be fart and plopping. Oh, you, Ben. I went to a big Tesco for the first time.

Well, I've only been to a supermarket twice since lockdown started. Really? Really? Yeah, well, I've got a, I managed to get a home delivery. I booked it like a month in advance. And I managed to get it And because it's just me I can survive off that food for you know a couple of months

And it's not a problem So I only usually have to go out I've been to like a tiny supermarket Just to grab a couple of essentials But that's kind of it And so I went to a big supermarket Because I needed some you know Something more substantial

And I went yesterday morning And I wore a mask for the first time And I was really impressed On the road leading up to it Which is all pedestrianized All of the They'd put a divided down the middle of the street with stickers on, telling you which side to walk on.

So they kept people apart. And outside every single one of these shops, there were barricades that you could queue up to get in. And there was a hand sanitization station with like hand gel outside of every shop. And I thought, that is really good. I'm really impressed by this. This bodes very well because the last time I was here, there wasn't any of this. and then I walked up to the Tesco went in the usual entrance

and I went in the entrance I went into last time and it was all cordoned off and it was really confusing and it sort of funneled you towards one of those travelators and I walked up to it because last time I had to go down the travelator

and then queue round the other side and up the travelator to like you know queue to get into the supermarket I was about to step onto it and I noticed it was coming towards me I was like right okay so they've got the travelator going the wrong way

because it doesn't usually go in that direction no signage whatsoever I was like right okay so I turned around an older couple came in behind me and they were also trying to get into the supermarket and they followed me so then I went to the other entrance of the supermarket which is usually the exit

but all the signs on the floor said no entry don't go in this way and so I turned around and I was like where am I meant to go and the old couple said no no it is this way so that's all right okay then So I then went down the Travolator on that side and then walked round, grabbed a trolley. And then, of course, when I went on to the Travellator with the trolley on the other side to queue up, which had been turned off because people are queuing on it.

The brakes locked up on it. Oh, no. Oh, God, of course. So I had to carry this trolley up the Travellator. And I was so embarrassed because I was the only person with a trolley. But there were no signs. No one was there to tell me what to do. Oh, God.

And so I carried the trolley up, and as I was queuing round, I watched no fewer than five people make the same mistake I did where they came in, except they stood on the Traveator and nearly fell over because it was coming towards them. And it's just the worst organised thing I'd ever seen. And all the Tesco staff just had their back to them. Like, they just didn't care. Like, this was a regular occurrence now. And I don't understand how it could go so poorly, because someone's going to get hurt, probably. That's mad. Yeah.

Well, you can't get sick from coronavirus. if you died on an escalator on your way to Tesco. Maybe that's it. They're just trying to thin us out. Oh, God. That's what it is. Yeah. It's the ultimate safety measure.

Mm-hmm. Oh, Jesus. It was fucking absurd. They just nearly saw several people nearly just fall over. Nearly fall over. I mean, it being Mikey's only or main source of fun, it sounds like you'd have even more fun going there, Mikey. There's all kinds of obstacles and, you know,

It's probably like an Indiana Jones boulder at some point. I could turn it into Naked Jungle Run. Oh, you could. Oh, no. That's had an extra element. Yeah, yeah, true. I'll just smother myself in hand sanitiser. I want to be pure and just roll around, scoot around all over the place,

and dip dive, dodging and out of trolleys. There you go. The things those employees must have seen, though. Oh, God. It's a guy who's carried a trolley up. it's just like it's going back to like some Neanderthal times

where people are just savagely trying to make the way through this this cluster fuck of a place and you don't know what to do and just using their bare brute force to get through it pick up actually

yeah just people getting on travelators the wrong way nearly falling over and then going oh oh and not even nobody even turned their head

that was working right next to them just seemed so backwards coming from that wonderful forward-thinking street outside to the fucking saw house hello hello everybody and welcome to

it's the official video podcast it's a conversational podcast where we take some questions from you at home and obey the law of the three us where everybody brings a thing along to talk about

I'm Ben I'm Peter And I'm Michael Hmm How's it going It's good It's fine It's easy like a Sunday morning

In it Yeah well Yeah I mean it's a difficult Sunday morning A little bit yeah It's just a ass Sunday morning As Sunday morning It's easy like ass on day morning

Yeah Ass under morning That's it Wow, can you tell we all just woke up? Jesus. No, what? Stop it. Stop it.

How are your Saturdays, boys and boys? What girls? All girls. I did a big sleep in and then went to socially distance see some friends. It was weird as fuck. Nice. Because it's been three months of not really, I haven't seen anyone other than Claudia. and seeing faces I recognize

it was like a weird surreal moment of like, whoa, whoa, I can talk to you and it's different and it's new and I'm not doing it via a quiz over Zoom. That's become the default method of communication at the minute and it's just nice to see a face and see those lips wobble. That's what I love about people.

That's the best thing about social interaction, seeing those lips wobble. You guys, you have a good Saturday. Saturday. It was fun. Yeah. Nothing to report, really. Went on a little stroll to a little waterfall nearby.

I saw that picture of beautiful. Yeah. Did you chase it? Oh, no, don't go chasing waterfalls. No. Okay. I prefer to chase either rivers or lakes because I'm sort of used to that. Right, that's fair.

Did you see Jason there as well? Because people often confuse Jason for being near the waterfalls. Jason No, no sign of Jason I'm afraid Okay Don't go comma Jason Waterfalls

Don't go Jason Waterfalls Miss you Come back to us What do we do? Hello? Hello? What's happening? Are we okay?

Yeah, we're fine We're fine Excellent Okay Well, I'm just gonna move things along A little bit Maybe you should I'd like to thank

everybody Who has very, very kindly donated and supported us this week On Pod Squad These Podron Squadron members have decided to go above and beyond and support us financially, and it's very, very, very,

very gratefully received. If you too would like to support us on Pod Squad and get a shout out at the beginning and the end of the show, you can donate £3 or more to streamlapse.com forward slash poddyets donations. Now, little disclaimer, we have had a few donations trickle through and it's lucky I checked on the old forward slash Vidyat's official donation link. That's exclusively for live streams now. After this week, I will no longer. be checking it so if you would like to join pod squad make sure you're donating it forward slash poddiots donations that will be the only place imagine how sad it would be a shout out to have a pod pod squad name just fall into the forever just echoing to itself bon bon bon bon so sad and we don't

want that to happen so please donate responsibly use the right link yes donate responsibly just like all these people who donated responsibly. We'll start off with a little bit of moniker. Killboy loves Babs. Beal New Cannon. Nice. I was a succulent Chinese meal. Gooby bugs butoon.

Tidiots. Man, what Ben tied up in a hoodie. Oh, I'm not fucking out. Javier Ramirez. Vidiots in Vegas with a very, very generous one. And they say, I'm starting the Vidyids Go to Vegas Fund. Let's get to Vegas, boys. Let's do it.

Yeah, if you take me this time, yeah. Oh, yeah, well, yeah, we'll see. We'll see. Okay. Lord Brottovich to finish. Also, podidily squaddididily dough. Garlic and chips for life. Ask them.

It's not going to ask, ask him. Mr. Black, Willems, Willie will win whatever. Kevin from Con Millie Lemons Awesome Pox 42 Cheese fondue penguin Sexagintuple

Nonuple I don't know if there's actual words in there or if it's just nonsense And we can just ditch petrol That's weighing in on the cheese petrol debate It rages on It rages on We've also got

I don't know DJing What's Middy? I need to make this bigger. I quill, Netherlands, shoren. Right? Am I reading that right? Yeah.

I quill, Netherlands, shoran. Or Netherlands, Horan. Oh, that's a tough one to read. Peter's Polish furry porn. Thank you very much for the generous donation. Polish order correct to Welsh. Who knew? Is that better, Ben?

Ha-ha. Keep up the great content. Much love. Kissies. Thank you, Peasers, Polish, furry porn, man. Wendy Miller, Billy Ray Bumpis, Alan Claw, R-I-P-George Floyd, knick-knack, paddy-wack, give a dog a booner, penile dementia 489, Uncle Fester's throbbing cock, and Sean Anthony 96.

Thank you very much for the very generous donation there. But we've also got the additional naughty vidiots official donators here too. Are you, uh, you guys want to take one of these each? Yeah. Sure. Mikey. Marky, you, it's your turn again, son. Oh, I get the best one of the lot.

Keith Chegwins, cock and balls. Nice. Unofficial vidiots podcrum. Oh, podcumb B? Podcumby. Podcum. Desi does bonbon, bon bonbons. And all together.

Truntas. Truntus. McNergie. Combo. We did it. I found that synced up wonderfully over Discord. I bet it sounded great. Just a reminder, it's forward slash pottyist donations.

Streamlabs.com forward slash pottyets donations. We will no longer be checking the Vidiot's official link after this week. Thank you everybody so much. But that's not all, Peter. That's not all. So ordinarily, we, as a three, we tend to split that money every, sometimes every episode depending on how much we received or maybe every month or whatever

but we've decided this week that we would like to split the money take our own shares and then immediately not take our own shares we're going to donate them to a relevant Black Lives Matter related charity because you know we shouldn't be taking money this week or this fortnight when such things are going on elsewhere

in the in the world so stay safe everyone whether you're in the USA or in a different nation protesting and yeah we think that's the right thing to do so that's that's what we're going to do yeah and yeah i think it's it's it's a horrible thing that's happening at the minute but i do hope it does you know finally bring some light to just how fucking awful it is to yeah black and the kind of persecution they face and i'm glad it's getting like worldwide worldwide kind of vision at the minute. And I really, I'd really do have faith that this will lead to some final real change for, for everyone. But that's the reason why I made us record a little bit early days, because I'm going to a protest this afternoon. So, oh, excellent.

Yeah, I'm going to, but that'd be nice to, you know, be out there and show some solidarity and also be able to throw some money at the cause and hopefully, hopefully everything will be all right. I, uh, I recently watched, um, one of the various. experiments that Jane Elliott did with the brown eyes and blue eyes thing. I don't if you guys know about that. It started, she was a primary school teacher. I will prefix this with some people say that Jane Elliott is, she's mostly, you know, a really good voice for change. But like, I think on occasion she's sort of used sort of incorrect terminology and things like that. So she's not, she's not, I was about to say whiter than white,

ironically, but she's not, you know, she's not the perfect civil rights campaigner. But I think her heart is certainly the right place. In any case, she was a primary school teacher in, I think, maybe the sort of the 60s or 70s. And she did an experiment with her class. I think all of her class were like middle class white Americans. They were sort of maybe six-year-olds or something like that. And she did an experiment where she said, right, we're going to see what it's like to be treated differently because of a part of your body that you can't change. And so she split the class into whether they had brown eyes or blue slash green eyes and, you know, treated them in a completely different way.

And I think at lunchtime she swapped it around the other way. But, you know, she would make them sit in a separate place. She would, she was sort of talked down to them. I think she gave like cookies and milk to one group and water to the other and stuff like that. And it was this really eye-opening experiment. And there's videos of her doing it to a much older group as well, like a couple. college class who have like signed contracts to allow her to be like even more sort of you know discriminatory against them and uh yeah it's a really eye opening thing so you should watch it

if you if you get the chance if you just search for brown eyes blue eyes jane elliott it's very uh it's a very good model yeah interesting i'll give that a watch yeah well as uh peter and i have have expressed on numerous outlets and obviously this is extended to to as well, we completely stand with the Black Lives Matters, black lives matters, sorry, movement. And as Mikey said, we sincerely hope that it brings about some meaningful change. Yeah, absolutely. Right.

Let's start with some questions, shall we, Michael? Let's go from quite serious to quite ridiculous. Here we go. Oh, boy. Hold on. We start with a question from Kev at Kev Master. Who would win in a straight of fight? or Demo Dick Machinko.

Oh, God. So we've got... Probably the two toughest. Yeah. Why do you have to make me make such decisions at this time? Why do our favourites have to fight? I don't want them to fight.

I think Dick Machinko is this man of brute force. I don't know if I'd say cunning, but he's got military smarts. Yeah, he has. But Barbara piss is just this juggernaut, this piss juggernaut. And she's on. I think, Ben, I think, what do you think? What's Barbara Piss's biggest, biggest thing she's

got going for her? Well, she can't die, which is, you know, that's quite a, that's quite a big point in effect. I feel like I almost need to abstain from this whole discussion as she is my daughter. But yeah, she's, she's literally unkillable. So that's something to bear in mind. She's proficient with multiple weapon types, as she has sort of expressed over the last few months. She is a proficient hand-to-hand combatant as well. Obviously, you're not going to do very well with a sword or a club against a gun, and Dick's very good at guns. But maybe if they fist fought, things might be a little more even, you know? Also, just because she's unkillable, that doesn't necessarily help, Because if Dick somehow did get, you know, did manage to get her down onto the ground and think that he'd killed her, if that asshole was still twitching, he would check the bodies.

I think he would just repeatedly pummel her not quite dead corpse. Oh, my God. Just for the rest of time, just sat there. Oh, no. What's that, what's the Greek boy who had his eyes pecked out every day? the eagle guy, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, that fellow. I don't want that fate for, I don't want that fate for Barbara.

I can't, I can't even, can't even think about it. You've also got to remember, like in Dick's favour, that he seemingly has diplomatic immunity in that he is never held accountable for his war crimes. Yeah, literal war crimes. So, no one's coming to check on his body, you know, to see if that ass, still twitching. For his crimes, Prometheus is punished by Zeus, who bound him with chains and sent an eagle to eat his immortal liver every day,

which then grew back every night. Oh, God. Yeah. Literally one of the most famous Greek names that's used in popular culture all the time. Which one is it? I don't know. There's that one, you know. The one who has his eyes eaten.

Liver lad. Yeah, you know. Not even close. It might be the start of a beautiful friendship. Yeah, maybe like, it's like these two titans going together, and as they start fighting, they both start realizing just how similar they are. They're both these expertly trained professional murderers and fighters, and that's what makes them come together to form the ultimate crime fighting force. God, can you imagine the world's at the mercy of these two? Dick and Bart.

No, dick and piss, yeah, there we go. Dick piss. Dick and piss. No, I don't want dick piss. the one-off fight tonight on the on the plop channel Dick only on pay-per-view I think it's Dick Piss 37 oh no

I think if it was if there had to be a winner I keep going for Dick I think I just think he's more brutal he's more unforgiving and yeah the guns are a big help yeah I think you're right Ben that he wouldn't be able to fully kill barbs but I think he would maybe for eternity in a Prometheus kind of way just be checking

the bodies that asshole still twitching. What a commitment for him. I've got to abstain. I can't I can't get involved in a vote. That's fair. Well, rest in peace, Barbes, you've bit bullets. You've bit Dick's bullet. You've bit dick. There we go. Oh, no. No. Oh, rest in piss. I did realize just as I said that, Barber Piss literally fights otherworldly demons and dragon. and monsters. She has killed gods, but yeah. Yeah, I mean, what's a gun to a dick, yeah.

Exactly. Yeah, that's it. Congratulations, there we go. Thank you very much, Kev. Who would like to do a thing? Oh. I feel like I've been first the last couple of times. Oh, well, I'll chuck along me thing then.

Oh, chuck along. I'll chuck along my thing. To me. To you. I've got a very, very silly little light thing on my plate today. Hooray, I like those. It's like an a pair of teeth. Oh, I was sorry, what?

Thank you, bless you. An a pair of teeth. Yes? I like holidays, bacon and a pair of teeth. A pair of teeth. Is you saying a pair of teeth? No, I'm not saying a pair of teeth. I'm saying, an aperitif.

It's like a, isn't it like a little drink you have at the start of a meal? Oh, okay. Oh, Christ, I don't know. I'm going to, how do you even spell that? A-P-E-R-T-I-F, a pair of teeth. Oh, a pair of teeth. An alcoholic drink taken before a meal to stimulate the appetite. To simulate the appetite.

Oh, it tastes like beef. Oh, and then. Oh, shit, just drop my phone, sorry. Oh, Jesus. I'm just going to send my thing on it. The first picture comes up in Google Images. is for a pair of teeth. It's very bizarre. Well, that sends, have you ever been in a book shop? Yeah. Oh, God. It's a hedgehog made out of cherries. What is that?

Cherries, olives, tomatoes, cheese? Is that crab? Just tweet that really quick. That has to be tweeted, yeah. That's, that's, there's a lot of effort that's gone into that. Definitely. That's all the food groups in one. Is it a lemon at the bottom as well? Yeah, with a face drawn on it. What is this, none of these foods feel like they should be near each other. It's a snack hedgehog, I think. Mikey, what was your weird question just then? Have you ever been in a book shop?

Oh, yes. Yes, they have. The end. That's it. That's my thing. Isn't that weird? We've got a question. Have you ever been in a book shop?

Yes. There we go. Oh, well, thanks for stealing my thunder. God. Well, have you ever been in a book shop, noticed a book with a funny title and thought to yourself. If only there was a yearly prize for the book with the weirdest title, so a farty boy on a comedy podcast could talk about them.

Well, you're in love. I've never thought that. I've always long thought that. Well, Peter, you're in luck. It doesn't matter if you think it or not. You're getting it. So welcome to the world of the diagram prize for the oddest title of the year, which is a literary award, and it's given annually to a book with the most notably

unusable, unusual title. Well, some of these titles are a bit unusable. Can we enter this? Yes, I think yes One of the rules of the award is It can't be designed to be funny It's kind of just got Well, how can you know

That's what I think that's one of the weird things about this Because as the years go on These these titles get weirder and weirder To a point where it's like Someone's trying to be funny here But I think with a bit of smarts We could probably outsmart them We could, I don't know

The Vidiates Compendium could have a pretty good Good title Yeah, I reckon so Because otherwise it sounds like it's just the equivalent of the Razzies, where some good meaning person has been awarded, you know, a trophy for, wow, your book has a shit title, doesn't it? There you go. And it's like, well, hang on, I didn't intend for that. Whereas if people are actively trying, then it's a little less mean-spirited.

I don't see the award as mean-spirited. I think it's just a nice little, it's a nice little, because they, the judge, actually, maybe this does make it sound worse, but they judge the book entirely on the title. They don't read the book. Oh, God, they judge it by its cover. Because I think there's literally in the article I read about this, it says, like, they don't want the contents to sway their opinion or get them attached to a book. Oh, right. You wouldn't want context, would you? No, no, you just want that lovely, lovely title.

This is, after all, the award for the, oh, oh, the oddest title. Unusual. The oddest title of the year. So it's not about the oddest book. We're all about reading covers here and not delving any deeper than that. Okay. Sorry, Michael. for doubting you. Tell me all about it.

Well, we'll start with the first award winner in the year of 1978. Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice. So that's obviously... That's nice. It's like obviously a science journal kind of thing. It's just a bit funny because you're nude mice. My main

favorite thing about that is just it's the second international workshop on nude mice. Do you know what Nude Mice is or are? It says, so the book is basically all about medical studies done using lab mice with inhibited immune systems. I'm not sure where nude comes into that. Maybe that's just a term used in the industry for they've got no immune system.

Yeah. Oh, he's got a nude mouth here. It's covered in fur, but my God, he's very exposed. And I'm, so I'm basically going to run through my favourites of the running of the entire history because, let's be fair, there is some stinkers. So I've just found some nice, pleasant ones. in 1980 we had the joy of chickens which is just so nice

I fully agree that chickens are joyful and that was quite literally just a book focused entirely on different breeds of chicken and I think if you're a chicken fancier you see that title joy chickens you're going to be drawn to it is there because I've seen the title of a book that's been going around in meme form for a while

I don't know if it's in here it's called Ducks and How to Make Them Pets But it's about animal husbandry for raising ducks Rather than sort of revenge against ducks Which is what it sounds like Ducks and how to make the... Oh, so it's how to make money from ducks Yeah, that's amazing And how to make them pay

Wow, oh my God, I want to read that now, I want to raise some ducks There is a good animal husbandry one towards the end though Which I think is actually my favourite of this entire thing Last Chance at Love Terminal Romances Takes a bit of a turn in 1981 but I don't like that one

I've got a rough idea of what that might be about yeah that's a sad one it's a nice self-health book but my God that title last chance at love thanks

1984 we saw the book of Marmalade its antecedence its history and its rule in history in the world today I think the book of Marbleade

it's antecedence it's history and its role in the world today Oh, I'm curious now, because I've got a book that's literally called Salt, and which is all about the history of salt, its importance in history. But I know for a fact, salt has been a very important substance for many millennia. I just don't have marmalade's had the same impact. I don't know if it warrants it.

I don't know. Dads love marmaline, and so do bears, little small bears wearing hats. Yeah, yes, exactly. Actually, maybe this is my favorite in the list. 1985 was graced with the juggernaut that is natural bust enlargement with total power. How to increase the other 90% of your mind to increase the size of your breasts.

What? That is a book about breast enlargement through positive thinking. So quite literally, think your boobs bigger. Yeah, there is a whole thing about that. There's also, I can't remember, I'm sure we've talked about this, but it might not have been on a podcast. I've once found a really, well, a pretty creepy YouTube channel where there were just videos that you watch for like 12 minutes at a time. And apparently it sends out like acoustic sounds through your headphones that can affect your body and make your dick grow bigger and stuff or your tits grow bigger.

How many hours did you spend watching these, Peter? Did it work? There are only three videos and it didn't work. I think my dick got smaller. Oh, no. I feel like I must have brought that as a thing I remember just stumbling across it because I think the guy who owned the channel

commented on either a triple jump or a vidiates video Oh god Yeah Oh you're in the presence of a legend wow Or he might have been the uploader He might have had a favourites playlist of that stuff But in any case I found it through a commenter That's amazing

Oh wow God I'm going to hunt down those videos now Just spend a whole weekend with headphones on watching them. Yeah. 1989, so How to Shit in the Woods, an environmentally sound approach to a lost art. Wow. Yeah, that actually sounds like quite a good book. It's about responsible treatment of one's waist in rural areas. When it's just how to shit in the woods, you think that it's probably a metaphorical title.

And then the subtitle is How to Shit in the Woods, basically. I like how it's a lost art. Yeah. Like monks absolutely perfected the craft at some point. And then it's like the bloody, oh, the fucking Romans with the concrete. There we go. Lost it for years. And now we're only just learning to shit in the woods again.

I think that's quite a good book. Because, I mean, I imagine, well, people just piss up trees and that. And I think in our past generations, well, I mean, many, many generations ago, we literally had to shit in the woods. and I guess we mastered it. We found all the best ways of doing it, best places, and that's all forgotten knowledge now. What was it called again?

How to shit in the woods, an environmentally responsible approach to lost art. Sorry, my God, that was words. Let me do that again. How to shit in the woods, an environmentally sound approach to a lost art. I'm going to see if I can get you a copy, Mike. Oh, no.

Oh, no, this can't be the next video. I can't have myself shitting on camera. Third edition, huh? Okay. Wow, so it's done well. Oh, my God. I'm buying you a copy of this. The cover is amazing.

Yeah, I'm just send it in Discord. If you can get this one exactly, then I will read that thing from top to tail. Let me just let that finish. This cover that you must be sending on Discord must be very high definition because you went super robot. Your audio quality just fell out of the world. Oh, no. That's just my internet. Yeah, it's a really small.

small pixelated image you've sent. Oh wow, what a great title. Why is the upside? That seems like exactly the wrong way to shit in the woods. Well, I think if you look at that cover and you say, wow, that's me. And this book will let you fix it. Well, it's a lost art, isn't it? You know, of course it's going to look alien to us because that's, that is peak, peak performance.

Oh, my God, Mikey, I think you found the audiobook version. Because at the bottom, it says read by Christine Havam. Oh, my God. I think they did an audio, it might be on audible, everybody. Oh, my God, there you go. Holy shit. Use your audible credits. If we had to sponsor, it probably be audible, then you'd use it on that, but we don't.

So, thanks, Amazon. Mikey, when you get a moment, fire your address over to me. Oh, no. Thank you. Okay, well, I'm going to be doing a reading of how it's shit in the woods. Thank you, Ben. 1992, so How to Avoid Huge Ships, a Book with Advice to Pleasure Borders on the dangers of shipping lanes. I just think, quite a nice little title on how to avoid huge ships.

I have to avoid things that you can't really miss, to be honest. I don't avoid literally the biggest man-made thing in the water. 1993, so American Bottom Archaeology. Yay. Let's go digging in bums. 1994. My birth year, I think obviously the most exciting year, was highlights on the history of concrete. I skip a few years and we jump straight forward to 2003.

And I think from here, I think books just reached her element. Like the last 10, 15 years has been the best years for books in all history. Because in 2003, we see the big book of lesbian horse stories. Oh, the big book. There's a lot of them. Oh, yeah. It's a collection of eight past eight novels from different decades, all involving lesbian romance and horses. Right.

It's beautiful. Okay. The horses aren't involved in the road. I really hope not. I think it's just horsey girls love in other horsey girls, but not... That's wholesome, that one.

2005, so... People who don't know they're dead. How they attach themselves to unsuspecting bystanders and what to do about it. What? I want to know what that one's about. Do you want to guess what that's about?

So people who don't know they're dead. And what was the subtitle? How they attach themselves to unsuspecting bystanders and what to do. do about it. I mean, is it about ghosts? Pretty much right. It's about dead spirits who took up residence in bodies that did not

belong to them. Oh, wow. We needed a whole book on that one. Oh, yeah. I was trying to think of some sort of, you know, again, as though it was some kind of metaphor. But no, it is about people who don't know they're dead. That's the best thing about these. It's not very artful. It's just clear facts. So literal. All of them are so literal. In 2006, for the nature hunters out there. we had the stray shopping carts of eastern North America, a guide to field identification.

I feel like that's got to be quite a tongue-in-cheekbook, because to write a whole book about abandoned shopping carts, you've got to have a sense of humour, Shirley. I wouldn't be surprised if it was a sort of a photography book with just lots of artful shots of abandoned shopping shopping. It's in black and white with like a forest behind it. Wow. You say that, but there are weirder hobbies.

there could be like a whole sort of niche community of people who go and I'd like train spotting they just go and identify shopping carts I would like it if like after they took a photo or noted down they rescue the cart and put it back where it belongs

I think one of the sanctuary somewhere I think one of the Dick and Dom Neighbors Cat VTs that we watched while we were like setting up worst games ever once where he went to like Pangborn or wherever he was standing on a bridge going oh this is the river in Pan

Hangborn, look in there, there's all sorts of, oh, there's some old coat cans there, there's a plastic box, oh, there's a few sorts of, there's a pram, and then he went, but no shopping trolley, oh, no, wait, there's one over there, there's a shopping trolley, and he finds one. I want to see the high-octane documentary series that follows a bunch of enthusiasts who tracked down shopping trolleys, like Ice Road Truckers. or shipping containers or whatever it is, storage wars, I don't know. Oh, I want to see that. Trolley hunters. Yes. Speeding round car park. Shit, we found one, skin in.

Oh, my God. Get it. Get it. It's a Walgreens one. My God. I'm going to change your pace, 2010, so managing a dental practice, the Genghis Carnway. A pair of teeth. I googled this book, and everyone, like, it's all it is, is quite literally a book. on how to manage dental practice, but no reviews, there's no, like, mention of how it differs

in style, what makes it the Genghis Khan way. It's like, I mean, that's how you make so and read your book, is make them figure out what makes it so Genghis Khanie? Don't people say about Genghis Khan that he essentially sired half of Europe? Like, we're all, like 50% of Europe is descended from him. Because he just ran around Europe, bunking everybody. Yeah. So we're using that approach in the world of dentistry. We just won't call your patience. I don't think that's good. No, that's not good.

In a more pleasant tone, we've got 2012 and gobbling-proofing one chickens' coop. Wow, okay. I hope that's a literal one. Yeah, well, I mean, in a similar vein to all the rest ones, this is a book written by Fairy Hunter, Reginald Bakely, and it offers practical instructions to clear your home and garden of these unsettling inhabitants,

and banish them from your chicken cup, coop and kitchen cupboard forever. God, well, for fuck's sake. Imagine being a grown fucking adult. Yeah. Just fucking imagine your existence going through life like that. And actually, that's so bizarre, because it's one thing,

and it's still completely crazy, to, in a more sort of happy, almost naturalist kind of way, think, oh, well, maybe there's fairies in my garden. I don't know. There might be. I mean, there's not. But maybe there is.

Maybe there's fair. You know, that's just a sort of, oh, they're a happy little resident. But to actually think, oh, those bloody fairies, all the goblins have been eating my chickens. You know, you've turned something that, despite being fictional, whichever way you look at it, could at least be, you know, something for your children to enjoy or whatever. You've turned it into an extra flipping chore for your farm, you know, like, yeah. Got to fix the fucking goblin fence now. No, the goblin fences down.

Yeah. Just inventing extra work. Spend all night reading fucking tomes again. The only way that I can get my head around this is if they're a bullshit scam artist. I mean, probably, most likely. That's just quickly, I'm going to look on Amazon. It's on Goodreads.com. It's got three and a half stars at 92 votes.

Help is on the way. Ninety-two votes. I mean, it's got some pretty good. 210 pages long as well so this isn't a brief overview this isn't in depth guide how big's the font though it's really big

are there any low are there any low reviews there actually yeah I'm going to go crackly for a second while I look for reviews because I'm sending a picture oh god he has he literally just did yeah he really did he just tapped out of his internet

to Google something people at home won't be able to hear that but we can that's so funny I want to know if there's a whole series of the oh my god what is this Is this an illustration? I don't know if it's from the book,

but it must be some kind of fan art at least. Be gone, fairy. Squawk, squawk. But I only wanted to make your dreams come true. And there's a sad fairy. Squawk. Look at that chicken between his legs. Yeah, it does.

It's sticking out. It's quite literally a cock, isn't it? It is a cock. Oh, God. I don't know if there's a whole series. So this is how, obviously, how to gobble and proof your chicken coop, but is there anything on, you know,

salting your cattle so that the vampires can't get them or... Yeah. Oh, you're trying to make your ducks pay. Yeah. Okay, so I've just found

a two-star review on goodreads.com. This is by Horace, who has the avatar of a cat. Okay, okay. This was left on August 16th, 2019.

This book is intended to be a light-hearted conceit of a fairy hunter's advice. Certainly, the author demonstrates quite clearly as the essays progress that he may not be quite sane himself.

And so some of his attitude should be laughable. I couldn't help but think while reading this how Sir Terry Pratchett would have handled this subject. I could see the same book being written by one of his disc-world characters in a light-hearted and crazy way that'd be delightful and funny. Unfortunately, despite the fiction of the subject and possibly due to the times in which we now live, I found that I took the book, especially the first essay, in a way that almost in opposition to what was likely intended, it, and only became somewhat bemused most of the way through the book, when a particular essay on love illustrated the author's cluelessness. So, reading your own way. So, I mean...

Why would you stick with it for that long? If the first essay was, you were looking at it thinking, God, this guy's crazy. This is stupid. They've got far enough to realize, oh, wait, no. Okay, this is a very short review, but now it's got me even more interested. It had a lot of potential, but turned out to be cocky ramblings. Some of it didn't make a lot of sense. And things like gnome and leprechaun recipes were a bit disturbing. What? Told you how to cook. Right, so this guy is raising chickens, but he's given recipes for gnomes.

I think it's literally like, you know, soup a la lepricorn. It'll be little chunks of lepricorn in your soup. How can you, how can that happen, though? I can, again, I can understand someone looking out of their window and thinking that they've just seen a goblin in the chicken coop. But how can you think that you've caught one? that you're cooking with it right now. What is he cooking with? Has he grabbed a child or something?

Oh, no. Oh, no. Well. Okay, I'm looking at no. All I can find a gnome cookies. Nome also appears to be an acronym for a recipe management application. This is a strange coincidence, by the way,

because my thing is about mythological beings. So it's funny. We'll get to that. Well, we've got one last book. This is the 2016 winner. I think this is the most charming, in my opinion. The commuter pig keeper, a comprehensive guide to keeping pigs when time is your most precious commodity. This is a practical guide to looking after a small herd of pigs.

Outstanding. In times your commodity, but you can want your pigs. Feed him in the morning before you go to a little. work and then go to work and then when you come back well you just chuck in the body of a leprechaun and the pigs are happy all day then yeah yeah easy and there we go thanks for joining me on a whirlwind of like 40 years of of good reads magical thank you michael that was wonderful thank you mikey and would you boys like a question yes please we've got maxi bash at maxi at max underscore bash on twitter who wants to know what

do you think is the weirdest thing about Britain compared to the rest of the world? The weirdest thing? Oh, God. Well, I don't like, to a lot of people, the way we drink our milk is quite savage. Because I think tea traditionally is just you put in the water, you dunk it, you let it brew, and then that's it. Obviously, I think at some point we introduced milk into the process. I think, well, I think it makes sense for our bruise of tea, but I kind of like, I get queasy at the thought of Americans or whatever thinking we do. dip green tea or peppermint tea into a mug and dung some tea some milk into it oh yeah what are you

guys doing or pour it into long island ice tea oh oh milk milky tea um hmm uh i'm not a tea drinker no so that's uh yeah that's a it's a difficult one for me to visualize oh or appreciate fully anyway i don't put much milk in my ordinary tea anyway so the idea of milky almost anything is is not that nice. Usually you don't like things described as milky. Like chocolate's fine, but mucus, milky mucus, no. Oh, no, come on. Anything mucus is a bad example.

Yeah, I think the problem word there is mucus, not milky. Definitely milky, come on. Oh, I hate things when they're described as tea. Like, oh, mucusy tea, isn't that horrible? Yeah. I think that sounds delightful. It's just a thick tea. Oh, dear.

Jesus. I don't know that's a difficult one to think of I think probably a lot of our cultural identity perhaps wrongly is associated with the royal family and I think a lot of

because it's easy to do the comparison between the US or the UK because that's a lot of what's explored in popular culture in TV and film and stuff and the differences there are very obvious and have been done exhaustively but I think something that extends to many many nations is that

there's this sort of baseline view that everyone in the in the UK like swears fealty to our queen and will kill anyone who who speaks against her you know yeah and that she rules over the country and reality it's oh my god my voice broke there in reality oh my internet's breaking my voice is breaking help yeah in reality it's it's a few fanatics then most of the country either don't give a shit or just they're just indifferent yeah yeah i think um some of our Some of our words, terminology, can be pretty weird. I've just immediately Googled because I knew there would be a million listicles about this.

Just strange British words. And, you know, immediately, damp squib, hunky-dory, chinwag, kerfuffle, collie wobbles, lurgy, easy-peasy, plonker, gobbledy gook, there's just so many. Poppycock, codswallop. I'm going to close the tab because I can't. It's like we live in a children's book. essentially. It is. Yeah. I'm just quickly looking

through a list of 20 weird things British people do. One of them is health care is free. That is weird. That is weird. Again, though, that's an American one, isn't it? Because a lot of countries have free health care. Isn't that weird? God, it can go to the

hospital, not worry about being a debt. Hey. Awful. This is the most... What's that? Found a dead man in the street? Oh, wait, he's not dead. Better just check his wallet to see if he's got insurance before I phone an ambulance for him because he'll be really mad if I phone

an ambulance for him and he's not got insurance, right? Oh, God. This is definitely the most American-centric list I've ever seen because number 18 is eggs aren't sold in fridges. It's weird the fridge people don't put them outside. Eggs don't need to be kept in a fridge. Like, they live in...

American eggs do because of how they treat them. Yeah, they bleach them white and... Oh, God, it's weird. Let's see what's one last. don't live in fridges. No. Although if they did, maybe the gnomes

wouldn't be able to get them as as easily. That's true. Something to think about. But then maybe the chickens would die if they lived in a fridge. Yeah, but the noes wouldn't get them. And that's the goal here, remember?

That's what the title of the book was. The world of the chicken is not important. The gnomes would eventually starve to death. You know, we can always bring back chickens somehow. I don't know how. But wait till the gnomes die out. The gnomes have some magic. Oh, damn.

Actually, no, because we're going to kill them all, aren't we? And I'm just going to read one more from this list. You all right? Doesn't mean something's wrong with you. They're just asking how your day is. Aw. It seems fairly standard.

You're right. Isn't a question. It's just a hello, isn't it? You're right? It is. Because if someone tells me whether they're all right or not, I don't want to know. I didn't ask you if you're all right. Ask if you're all right.

What are you doing? Go on. Stop it. Don't care about your feelings. We don't do that here. Bottlet it up, son. Keep it going. All right.

Who would like to do? a ting well I guess while the gnomes are still a recent a recent memory maybe I should quickly do my and Prometheus as well

I think and Prometheus yeah so what I've got here is a list of folkloric creatures from I think they're entirely from the British Isles in some way shape or form a couple of them

are not real oh no And you've got to guess which ones. They've all got either slightly rude names or just very strange kind of strange, I guess words like the words I was just reading, the strange British words. The poppy pop-off. I can read them all to you first, and then you can decide which ones are fake. I can even, if you need a hand, I can tell you how many fake ones there are in there.

But we'll see how you get on. Okay. Bougar! B-U-G-G-A A male sea spirit or merman in Cornish folklore that inhabited mines and coastal communities as a hobgoblin during storms Right, nice

P-P-P-E-W P-E-W A frightful old man with an extraordinarily long beard That runs through a spinning wheel And he turns it into gold Oh Okay The Boo-B-B-B-O-B-R-I-E

a shape-shifting creature that lives in Scottish locks, often taking the appearance of a gigantic water bird resembling a cormorant or shag, which is a real bird. Grizzle greedy gut, one of numerous familiar spirits named by an accused witch under torture. Lovely.

Barnacle geese, a variety of goose that does not breed or lay eggs, but rather grows on trees. Oh, dangly do, a hag derived from sleep paralysis hallucinations in the 13th century who envelopes you in the folds of her sagging skin. Oh, no. Milky sagging skin. Oh, lovely.

No. Uh, two more. Bloody bones. A bogeyman figure, feared by children, sometimes called Tommy Rawhead. Bloody bones. I like Tommy Raw. Tommy, sorry. That's even better. And finally, cat, Sith, as in the word cat, and then the word Sith, like Star Wars.

Wow. A fairy creature from Celtic mythology said to resemble a large black cat with a white spot on its chest. Oh, it's quite cute. So I can give you them again. Yeah, we'll run through them one by one, but it's hard with mythical creatures because I don't know these stories come from such weird places

and such weird times that anything could be true anything could be false Absolutely I have a couple of guesses I can Maybe I'll tell you how many fake ones there are So total there were 1, 2, 3

4, 5, 6, 7 I read 8 and 3 of them are fake Okay Okay All right Should we run through The one by one

And we'll give it the verdict Yes Yes So there's the bugger, B-U-G-G-A, a male C-Spirit or Merman in Cornish folklore that inhabit its minds in coastal communities as a hobgoblin during storms. I think, I think boogers are real.

Yeah, I'd say a bugger is real. This is probably the sneakiest fake one that I've done. There is such a creature, but it's called a Booker, B-U-C-C-A. Oh, Peter! You rooted it up. Yeah, I rooted it up. Got us. Very cheeky.

It's kind of a blend because there was another, there's another creature called a bugane, B-U-G-G-G-A-N-E, and I was like, oh, it's a shame there's not a creature called bugger, because I could have brought that along, and that sounds fake, but, yeah. You made a new creature.

Well done. You're now part of the mythical folklore history. You've invented the bugger. Yeah, but I mean, the description was literally just the same as a booker, but yeah, bugger. Pooh-poo. A frightful old man with an extraordinary

really long beard, who runs it through a spinning wheel and turns it into gold. I think that's true. I'm going to guess that that's fake because that sounds an awful lot like rumple foreskin. It does sound an awful lot like rumple foreskin. Lots of these things are derived from each other. But that is...

It's fake. What? Completely fake. Other than the fact that, yeah, I did sort of base it on rumple foreskin. But there is no such creature called... called a poo-poo, I'm afraid. Yeah, I mean, I probably should have got it from that. Such a shame.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, dear. Um, okay. Actually, no, actually, I'm going to come back because I just remembered one of the books that I didn't read from the list of funny book names was, um, cooking with poo. Oh. Oh, what?

It's not too out of the realm of possibility of something to be called poo-poo. No. No, I mean, there may well be something called a poo-poo in, in, uh, folklore of different nations, but certainly not in British folklore, as far as I'm aware. Well, that needs to change. So we've already had two fake ones. I put them right at the start. So there's only one fake one left.

The boo-bree. Shapeshifting creature that lives in Scottish locks, often taking the appearance of a giant water bird resembling a cormorant or shag. Real? I'm going to say it's real. It's real, the boo-bree. I mean, it's real in so much as it's not real, but it's a real. real folklore.

Grizzle greedy gut, one of numerous familiar spirits named by an accused witch under torture. It sounds... Real. It sounds too rule dull, but...

I'm going to say fake. I'm going to say fake. That is real. What? So there was a... I should pull this up, actually. Because there's a whole list of them. It's so Roald Dahl sounding.

You're right, Mikey. They sound so made up. Here we go. I don't think the witch is named. I think people have a vague idea which which it was, but it was someone who was tortured or under investigation by Matthew Hopkins, who was the witch finder general, who was just essentially this vigilante who went round England calling people.

Killing women. Yeah, killing women. Killing women. And probably a few men. but anyway a woman was tortured and they said what your imps called tell us what your imps are called

and she was like I don't have any imps what the fuck are you talking about and then they continued torturing her to the point that she said okay here are my imps they called Illamousa pie whack it

Jar Mara Holt sack and sugar that's all one name sack and sugar pecking the crown grisel greedy gut news and vinegar tom

wow and those are all words and noises you would make if you were being tortured at that moment absolutely for essentially being our woman oh my god awful yeah so that is a real one barnacle geese a variety of goose that does not breed all their eggs but rather grows on trees there's so much that's wrong with this because why I mean

it's growing on a tree. Yeah. It's got barnacle in the title. Yeah. Trees don't have a great deal to do with water. True. Which is where barnacles tend to favour living.

Yeah. I'm going to say it's real. I'm going to say it's real as well because I feel like it's, maybe it's like a goose that kind of is bought. No, because it has to be in an egg. Okay, let's just go real. I can't explain it, but it feels real. Barnacle goose is real. What?

Yes. The barnacle goose is real. is actually a recognized species of goose in real life, I think, based on the folklore. So it doesn't actually, obviously, grow on trees, but because there was this folkloric barnacle goose, someone then discovered a species of goose and called it a barnacle goose.

The reason it's barnacle, even though it grows on trees, is because there is a type of barnacle that you find on driftwood that looks like a goose's head. So people would find logs that had washed up on beaches with little geese heads on them and they thought or some people may have just meant it poetically but some people probably thought it was real

that geese had been growing on that tree then the tree had fallen into the sea before the geese had developed and so only their heads were visible on this log wow it's so strange to have an understanding of sort of the idea that things grow but not being able to put together that, you know, a living being can't grow from a tree.

Yeah. Well, likewise, I think some people used to think that lambs grew from cotton plants. Aw, that would be cute. I think they called it, though. They called the plants like lambkins or something. Aw. It's very Pokemon. Berry, yeah.

We've got three left, and there's still one fake one out there. We've got dangly dew. Which is a hag derived from sleep paralysis hallucinations in the 13th century who envelopes you in the folds of her sagging skin. Oh, I'm going to say real. I'm going to say fake, because dangly-doo just sounds too perfect. Mikey, you're correct. Oh.

The name dangly-do is completely invented. The notion of a folkloric hag derived from sleep paralysis is not invented. The folds of sagging skin was also made up to go with the dangles. But there are a couple of different kinds of, like, hag figures in folklore that are based on things that people saw when they had sleep paralysis. But that one is a sort of combination of made up things. I think by saying this, Peter, next time anyone has sleep paralysis, you might have implanted dangly do into people's brains and you've manifested into reality. Oh, well, let us know, you know, on Twitter or how the folds are, how warm they are or cold. Moist and milky? Let us know.

Oh, mucusy. Mucacy. Also, I got the do from, there's a ghostly black dog somewhere in, I think it might be on the Isle of Man called Moddy Dew. He just lives in a castle somewhere. So the two remaining ones are real. Bloody Bones is a bogey man figure feared by children, sometimes called Tommy Rawhead. Essentially the very oldest. reference to any sort of bogeyman figure like where you would tell your children

bloody bones will get you if you don't eat your veg or whatever goes back a really long time actually and then cat Sith it's a fairy creature I might be pronouncing some of these wrong by the way because some of them are like Irish and Scottish Gaelic or Welsh but as a fairy creature from Celtic mythology said to resemble a large black cat with a white spot on its chest so there you go well cat Sith was the one that I was going to say was fake because that's a Final Fantasy 7 character as well. Yeah, it's cat C-A-I-T and then S-A-S-A-S-I-H and it's pronounced cat she. Yeah, well it will be she actually. She is, yeah, you're right. I always called it Kate Sith when I was a kid because I didn't know. Yeah, I mean she is the

Scottish and Irish term for sort of the whole class of fairies, the whole lot altogether. In Irish it's spelled S-I-D-H-E, which is very confusing. Because how does S-I-D-H-E come out as she? Go and ask?

I'll tell you how, because other languages conform to their own rules and that's fine. And that's okay. Yeah. Explain that to Britain in the 17th and 18th century. Yeah.

Why are you saying that as she? It says Sidhi. It clearly is pronounced Sidhi. Sidhi. Catch Sidhi. I've been here five minutes, and I can tell you it's pronounced Sidhi. Absolutely. Anyway, now you will start saying Rule Britannia instead.

You'll call that creature the Rule Britannia. Oh, no. Oh. Well, thank you very much, Peter, for sharing some mythological delights. You're welcome. I'm going to add the picture. of the man with the fairy and the chickens to the thread on Twitter. Oh, good.

Thank you. I want to see him. I would do that, but I'd go old roboty. Yeah. We've got a little question here, although not really a question. This one comes from Jenny at Amalthea 1980 on the Twitter. And she says, not a normal question, but Quinton will be eight on the 12th. And he loves you guys, as you know.

could you wish him happy birthday or something similar he gets such a kick out of hearing you guys talk to him much love to the best boyos ever so we're just going to shower quentin in praise for a few minutes i guess and tell me it's the best birthday boy ever how old's you gonna be birthday he's eight years old so no rude words please right i mean i'm already been swearing in this i hope his mom doesn't um show him full episodes of potty it's i mean he's gonna grow up to be the raddest, coolest kid ever if he does, but... Naturally, naturally. Yeah. Well, just as people love audience. Hope you have an amazing day. Have a great day, Quentin. Are you any relation to world famous film director, Quentin Taratino? Yeah, you've got the same first name.

Yeah, it works, yeah. Same guy. Might be the same guy. He's going to shut everyone's butts down because it's his birthday. I'm shutting your butt down. Quentin, happy have a great day. Yeah, happy birthday, dude. Let us know via your mom on social.

media what you're doing to celebrate. Oh, yeah. You're having a party? If you're having a party, just called a babalini. Exactly. You're going to do some mad stunts on your pedal bike? Yeah. Galk and chips for tea.

Oh, it'd be amazing. Got it's so many options. Fluffy rough, a little bit of fluffy rough. A big meat face platter on the table. Oh, fantastic. Yeah. And of course, a birthday pie. Oh, birthday pie.

Obviously. Martial arts instructions from Dick Machinko. Oh, that'd be the best. Oh, that, that, that, is. That's like Johnny Karate from Parks and Rec. Yes. Judo lessons from the succulent Chinese mailman. All of these memes that I'm sure a child, nose and loves.

What do kids love now? Do you want to do some duos on Fortnite? That's a thing, right? Yeah, do you want to TikTok our Fortnite? Hope you got some V-Bucks. Yeah, I hope you get loads of V-Bucks, bud. Enjoy going back to school soon because you can. going to be entering war zone of viruses.

Have fun. Oh, my God. You're going to be fine. You'll be fine. You won't make it. No, you'll be all right, Quentin. You'll have a nice start. Just keep washing your hands.

Keep washing your hands the way you've been told. 20 seconds, sing happy birthday. Bam, you're done. You're safe. Simple. Have a good day, man. Bye, bye, bye, Quinton. He's leaving the room now.

Bye, Quintintern. I was going so well. And then you scarred it. Bloody bones is going to get you, Quentin. No, Tommy Roarhead. I think it's necessary, you know, because if kids go back to school and they're too blasé about it, they're just going to be awful. A healthy bit of a year.

It's just ruin their birthday. Yeah. Ruin their birthday with a message. By the time this podcast goes out, his birthday were passed, so it's fine. Oh, God, yeah. Sorry, Jenny. Ben, would you like to hit us with your thang? Yes, I'll hit you with my rhythm stick.

Here we go. It's time for some more weird fake news, every. everyone. Oh, excellent. I've got four news stories here. Which of them are real news stories and which of them are from satirical news website, The Onion? Only you can guess. They're all absurd. Here we go. I'm going to run through the headlines first and then we'll go through them one at a time and you can guess if they're real or not. Are you ready? Slightly reworded as normal, presumably? Yes, slightly reworded to, because sometimes the, you know, being a satirical news website, the Onion, their headlines are usually, they're pretty easy to tell for the lineup because

they're obviously ridiculous. But these headlines are ridiculous too, and there has been some tweakage going on. So are you ready? Ready. Oh, God. I'm clearly not ready. I just choked.

I think that's from the onion. That one, yeah. It was the gnomes. North Korean founder Kim Il-Sung did not have the ability to teleport, state media admits. Oh. I don't think the government would admit to that, though.

That's the thing. I think they'd just go along with that forever. Yeah, why would they go back on that? Because it's not like, you know, so many years have passed and now they say, oh, we can't keep, you know, we can't keep up the pretense of some of the sillier things we've said over the years because it was only a few years ago that they said a North Korean man was the first person to land on the sun

and he went at night time so that he wouldn't get burned. Yes. Yes. That was like five years ago. That's big brain energy right there That's good It is Some good thinking

Okay Yeah Sorry carry on Do you want a verdict now Or at the end I'll go back through them Yeah I'll go back through them Yeah

Merryland restaurant owner Can't get employees to return Because they make more in unemployment Oh god God that's a sad one Because I feel like that's Not an onion article But I won't find out yet

I wouldn't be surprised by that. Did I miss anything? A man emerges from a 75 day silent retreat in Vermont. Oh, wow. I know that people have been, yeah, I read something about people who were at places like that, and the staff were debating on whether to tell them

that things were going on outside. Because the whole thing was completely isolated, so there was not really much fear that the germs would get in, and therefore I don't think they would. were telling people, you need to start washing hands more. I'm not going to tell you why, but just start washing hands more. So, I don't know, that's another difficult one. Because I think it was Big Brother in Germany.

We had like a new series going and like they didn't tell them for a while. I needed to look back into that. I think you to figure out what happened there because there was something a bit. Oh, oh, this is nice, thanks. You could easily see that as being real for both of those examples we've just given. But also it could very, very easily be written as an Onion article. Just like, man wants to know if he's missed anything as he, you know, emerges from a retreat. We've also got here, woman in China sends 1,000 kilograms of onions to ex-boyfriend to make him cry.

Not the onion, the onion, who knows? Probably, I don't know. It's difficult to say. That's very tricky. And I'm just picking out a last one. because I feel like we need one final one final

little little fun time but is he on the onion website or is he on Reddit not the onion who knows who's to say it's probably pretty easy to tell anyway here we go Iran calls for prisoner swap with US out of fears for health of

Iranians in US jails oh okay oh god well haven't they released all prisoners in Iran. I think every single prison, or maybe they've got them back now, but I think for a time they said,

we can't really cope with this, we're just going to let everyone out. That might not be true, but I think I read that somewhere, or some country has done that. I think it was Iran. Yeah. Okay, so running back through them again,

are they real or are they fake? First up, North Korean founder Kim Il-Sung did not have the ability to teleport, state media admits. I think the onion I'm going to, yeah, I'm going to say onion. Because I don't think they'd admit to that.

It's real. Oh, what? Are they down? North Korean and state media have issued a report denying that the country's leaders have mythical powers, a possible signal that current leader Kim Jong-un is attempting to undo the deification of his predecessors. Oh, okay. Interesting, okay. Real.

That's a shame. I like having these weird superheroes about, and all the magic's gone now. They're also real. All of them. Next up, Maryland restaurant owner can't get employees to return because they make more in unemployment. I don't think this is real because I think any money that people are receiving, you know, as either unemployment benefit or furlough or we don't know what nation this is talking about. True. Oh, do you mean Maryland as in the place in Maryland or Maryland cookies?

I guess you mean the company. No, I don't mean Maryland the cookies. No, I mean the place in America. Why not? Read the wording again. Maryland restaurant owner. Oh, Maryland restaurant. I clearly just wasn't listening.

Oh, Maryland restaurant owner. Yes. But are people in America getting paid stuff? Sorry, hang on, no, no, no, hang on. I want you to walk me through the fiction that you created in your head. I thought you said Maryland workers or Maryland employees don't want to register. I thought you were imagining a little restaurant inside a packet of Maryland cookies.

Yeah, Maryland restaurant owner. No, I just clearly wasn't listening to all the words. Much like when you look at a headline on a newspaper, you just essentially take in four of the words and hope that you get the gist of it. But I don't know. I feel like are people in America getting like that much kind of unemployment benefit? I know what we're getting in the UK

and maybe people in the US are too. I'm not sure how it worked in America, but there was like a $1,200 stimulus check. I'm not sure if that was only for people who weren't working or if it's for everyone, but surely most people who aren't working because that's a lot of money to dish out. I think if a man and his restaurant business weren't earning a lot of money, I don't think the state would be paying him more than, maybe they would, but I'm going to say it was fake. I'm going to say true.

It is real. Oh my God. Wow. A Maryland restaurant owner said Tuesday that she can't have. employees to return to work because they make more in unemployment benefits than in working for her business. Well, what's she paying them? For God's sake. I bet unemployment benefit isn't very much in America. Well, I mean, it doesn't really clarify, which is a shame, but here's a quote from her. They don't want you to come back to work. And I don't really want a restaurant full of unhappy employees, Wagner told the TV station. Just pay workers fairly.

Jesus Christ. That's so ludicrous that I just thought it must be fake because there's no way that people are earning more on unemployment than having an actual job in a restaurant. Oh, here we go. Actually, this might clarify things. The increase in unemployment totals is a key provision in the CARES Act, a coronavirus relief bill implemented to help struggling Americans in the midst of the pandemic that led to businesses across the country to close. Under the Cares Act, Americans who lost their jobs due to the pandemic and claim unemployment benefits can receive an additional $600 per week on top of what they already get from their state. Ah, okay.

So it may just be that she can't afford to match that, which is understandable, but... Yeah. Yeah, the quote wasn't great, though. I feel like that was deliberately chosen to make things... Make her look bad. Yeah. Well, maybe if she did relocate to an actual, you know,

pack of Maryland cookies, they'll be back in a heartbeat. Yeah, way cheaper. Real estate is, what, like 60p? Yeah. You're okay. It's mobile, go anywhere. Unfortunately, I'm the only customer small enough to be able to visit. It's true.

It is true. But you do eat a lot of Maryland cookies, so it's all right. Oh, I love the chocolate. You know me. Delicious. Iran has temporarily, or did temporarily free 54,000 prisoners, but I don't think that was all of them. I don't think they let the murderers out necessarily. Okay. Yeah. Only for the day.

Not quite as long. Okay, next one. Did I miss anything? A man emerges from a 70-day, sorry, 75-day silent retreat in Vermont. It could so easily be either, just the way that you write it. Could be, you could do it in a silly onion way, but I know that things like this have been happening. I'm going to swear onion, I think. Yeah, I think it's onion overall, but this has happened.

On the morning of the 23rd of May, Daniel Thorson rejoined society after an absence of two and a half months. He had spent that time in silent meditation in a cabin in remote northwestern Vermont, where he is part of a Buddhist monastic community. And it says here, Thorson, a podcaster and enthusiastic online philosopher had also missed 75 news cycles. And so, less than two hours after ending his silent retreat, Thorson logged back into Twitter. Did I miss anything? He wrote. Oh, my God.

Wow. That would be a hell of a timeline to come back to. I mean, two and a half months, he will have at least known coronavirus was a thing, but might not have known the extent to which it was going to, you know, how things were going to get. But he won't really have any idea about the rioting and so on. So, or protesting, I should say. Mad, mad. A woman in China sends 1,000 kilograms of onions to ex-boyfriends to make him cry.

Oh, God. Okay, I want to do some quick maths here. 1,000 kilograms in grams is, oh my God, that's a lot of grams. That's shared by the average weight of an onion, which is 170 grams. So she sent him... Look at this guy. Nearly 6,000 onions. Fuck.

I think because it's onions, I don't think this was on the onion. I think this is real. But then again, Ben could have changed it. It could have been peppers. Oh, but actually, no, because it made him cry. It made him cry.

It made him cry. So it has to be onions. Well, maybe it could have been just sad pictures of injured cats or something. That could have made him cry. I'm going to say this is real. Me too. In a bizarre incident, a heartbroken world, woman in China sent a thousand kilograms of onions to her ex-boyfriend as a revenge, it says.

She apparently wanted to make him cry as much as she did after their relationship ended. I like that she's been able to quantify the amount of tears she's produced in onions. So, yeah, this will do it. Several sacks of red onions were dumped outside her ex-boyfriend's door. He was photographed looking at the onions in a clueless state. Would you like to see it? Yes, please. Oh, I'd love to. That is a picture for the thread for sure.

Oh, there he is. That doesn't look like a thousand kilos. It doesn't, does it? Honestly, this is from news website India Today, which frequently features in the Not the Onion subreddit where I get these news stories from. And obviously the English isn't always perfect, but I don't know if sometimes they tend to sensationalize things as well.

I don't know how legitimate a news source this is. So maybe someone can help. Both there already. Which website did you say that was? Oh, that was India today. Oh, because a while ago, I did a search on what news articles have referenced tweets that I've done. And I've just, I've just re-googled it. And both of them were from the Indian Express.

Oh. I was curious if it was the same ones. So the first one was, Guardians of the Galaxy, Rocket Raccoons, Real Life Model, Mr. Orio, passed away. and the reference my tweet oh what the fuck or you're the raccoon that was used the real life model

for rocket and gardens of the galaxy passed away funnily if I got to meet him in person a few years back he was surprisingly down to earth and very funny rest and peace old man

oh no they fell for it I don't know how legit this website is it looks I mean it's got it looks actually how many Twitter follows you got

that's how I gauge it 500,000 followers that's all right Yeah, I mean, I don't know, the sun has a lot of readers. True. It doesn't make it good. How did you search that, Mikey? Did you just type your handle into Google or?

So I type add paraboie and quotes and then click on news. Oh, okay, that's clever. I know that I wanted, I spotted something in an episode of Inside No. 9 that was, they used my tweet and a few other people's tweets about it in an article, but I've never checked for other things. Oh, do you want to do a quick check? now yeah go on yeah where do i get where's news and you have to click on more yeah uh push square oh a buzz feeds reacting to glow season two um oh i mean a bus oh it's mainly just push square stuff

for me oh let's see what what i said about glow oh glow right okay it's 15 perfect Twitter reactions to Glow Season 2 that will make you smile and laugh. This is from Crystal Row and it's already a fucking awful nothing article because it's just the numbers and then people's tweets. Oh, God. And it was my tweet. Glow Season 2 is already

amazing and it's a screenshot of one of the characters with the caption underneath. I'm so filled with shit. There's no extra room for a dick. Oh my God. Okay, that did make me smile. As well as the inside number

nine thing. I'm on a slash film article. International titles confirm that Star Wars the Last Jedi is plural and my tweet saying, because of how the Germans use grammar, we now know that Jedi is plural in The Last Jedi, feeling dank. That's it. That's what you need. The other one I'm in is a BuzzFeed article that it says, for everyone who's still scared for scarred for life by that one scene in final destination and it's just me and loads of other people who have taken photos of the back of lorries with loads of logs on them saying hey it's a bit scary look I'm driving behind a lorry full of logs oh there we go um weird I've I'm on another way I'm on an Arabic website as well yeah they've had to translate it seems to be

completely irrelevant. Food and drinks, you should refrain from eating before and after exercise. And then it's got one of my tweets in there where I've photoshopped Pokemon onto a Volvic bottle, and it says, Evolvik. And the tweet is, they should have

released a Pokemon branded water in the 90s called Evolvick. And don't know why that's in this health article. It doesn't make any sense. Don't go out there drinking this non-existent bottle of water. Yeah, and the rest of the tweets are all just like eat these compots and yoghurt things

and it's just like, hey, evolving, huh? That's funny. Maybe they, I don't know, yeah. There's no triple jump or vidiates official tweets in news articles. Oh, dear. One day. One day.

Okay, finally. Last one. Iran calls for prisoner swap with the US out of fears for health of Iranians in US jails. True. Yeah. true. It is true. It's a clean sweep of real stories this week because there's nothing that's worth satirizing at the moment, whatever the word is. Because everything is horrible. Iran has

said it is ready for a full prisoner exchange with the United States out of fear for the health and safety of Iranians in US jails during the coronavirus outbreak. There we go. There we go. There we are. Weird fake news stories, but they're all real this week. It's not fake news. It's real news. Oh, my God. It's real news, all real news. Fantastic. And we got one last question for this podcast episode. It's from... Episode. It comes from Haddy Mnaw.

At Haddy Mnaw on Twitter. And he wants to know, if you had access to a cloning machine, what would you clone? Yourself? Dave Benson Phillips. Mikey's ferrets. And what would you do with the clones? Oh. Because I want to answer straight up.

I want to answer straight up that I wouldn't clone the ferrets three ferrets is enough I mean four ferrets is enough oh god I just forgot about one of them I'm just looking over at them once Musby's just passed out almost dead looking maybe it is three now I wouldn't clone the ferrets that's too much poop Dave Benson Phillips would be nice to have a personal

Dave Benson Phillips to like tag along with me you could sing songs I'd love to clone Jeff the Mungoose and just sort of distribute them around various homes to haunt people I don't like. Was Jeff, Jeff? Was Jeff a bad horter? Or was he a good haunter? I can't remember.

I think he was just there, wasn't he? He was just a long for the ride. I think they had to feed him. So it's just like a bit of extra responsibility. It's a weird mongoose in the house. There was a bit where he followed them to market or something, but he was always on the other side of the hedge. And they couldn't see him.

He always stayed on the other side of the hedge. They just knew. Amazing. I haven't met my parents' new cats yet. Oh. But certainly if their previous cats were still around, and, you know, I'm already familiar with them, I'd probably clone one of them and just take one back with me.

Oh, that'd be nice. So that's an identical version of one of my family's cats that already knows who I am. That'd be quite good. But I wouldn't clone myself just because of the, you know, obviously, everybody just wants to fuck themselves. Why wouldn't you? Right?

Yeah. It's not gay. It's masturbation. What's wrong with it? It's fine. It's okay. But the philosophical issues of what if my clone murders me? And what if we both think about it and we both try and murder each other? You know, because if I'm thinking that, then they're thinking that because they're my clone. Then, you know, I don't want to risk that. That's not what I'm about, right? Someone's got to be the brave person who enters this new world of cloning, who clones themselves, and we've got to know what happens.

It would be fun But yeah, there's too many problems with having a clone This is assuming they'd immediately be a grown-up as well Yeah, yeah I assume they'd clone you at the current age I could not look after baby me or young me Or teenage me or now me Yeah, no, having me an extra me around is just awful, no

Yeah, I would never want A baby me or a young me I would possibly be interested in having A perfect clone of me That I can just kind of I prefer it as just like an android that looked like me, and I could send it off to do stuff. But, you know, I don't want to actually raise a new version of me. Because then as well, if it has a, it's going to obviously by definition have a different upbringing to me.

It's going to be raised in the 2020s. And it's not going to be me by the time it gets to my age. So what's the point? It's just going to be competing with me all the time. I quite like... Kill it, Peter. Yeah, yeah, there we go. Solution.

I quite like Ben's idea of cloning a... a pet Paco lives up in Newcastle and I never get to see him so I might just get my own Paco or saying that problem is that's how Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Sixth Day starts

with the company who will clone your pets Oh my God Cloning human beings and one of like the guy who owns the company ends up getting cloned but the process goes wrong and he's like a big walking sort of fetus thing Oh my God

that sounds great let's do that yeah I don't want a big walking fetus oh my god I just found him oh he's a bit oh he's a bit

little bit he looks like Tommy Pickles from the Rugrats oh let me let my let's just let my internet go wobbly for a second okay

okay this is important oh there he is oh he's got one ear yeah he's only got one ear he's got the same colour t-shirt and the same hair

as Tommy Pickles wow I don't like that I don't know why he's put, I don't know at what point he puts a t-shirt and jacket on, but when he's first born out of the sack, he's just naked. It's really horrible. Oh, God. Oh, awful.

Awful. Was that all the questions, Michael? That's them all. That's the lot. Fantastic. Well, thank you so much, everybody, for listening. Thank you for coming along. We hope you've enjoyed it.

We know the world's a bit scary and frightening at the moment, and everybody needs distractions, but that doesn't mean we can all bury our heads. heads in the sand. We need to address and talk about the things that are happening if we want things to change. And for that reason, the wonderful, wonderful pod squad who have donated this week, very kindly whose names we're going to run through in a second, we're going to make a donation to a relevant Black Lives Matter charity this week. Yeah, we are. I think actually just to add on to the point of don't bury your head in the sand. I think it's quite important to realize that if you're able to bury your head in the sand about these issues, that's like kind of quite a big thing

to realize that a lot of people don't have that option. They live with this every day and it's a genuine fear and a genuine thing they have to think about. So like obviously I know it's hard to come to terms with it, but it's, you've got to face it from facing forward and, you know, do some research and read into it and kind of understand what it is. These people have been going through for generations, literally generations beyond its hundreds of years. It's systemic and it's awful, and it needs to end now. Absolutely. Yeah.

100%. Mikey, who's our first set of Pod Squad? A little bit of Monica. Killboy loves Babs. Beal, Ducanin. I was a succulent Chinese meal. Gooby-Book Spittoon. Tidiotes.

Man, what Ben tied up in a hoodie. I do like that. I hope he's doing okay. He's still just walking tied up in that hoodie to this day. Javier Ramirez Vidiots in Vegas Thank you again for the generous donation And Lord Brotovic

Also Podidili squaddily dough Garlic and chips for life Ask them Mr Black Where Willems Willie will win Whatevs Kevin from Con

Ah Millie Lemons Awesome Fox 42 Cheese fondue penguin Sexagintuple Nonuple And we can just ditch petrol. Petrial. I don't know DJing What's Middy.

I Quill, Netherlands, Horren. Peter's Polish furry porn, Wendy Miller, Billy Ray Bumpiss, Alan Claw, RIP, George Floyd, knick-knack, paddywack, give a dog a bonner, Penile Dementia 4-8, 9, Uncle Fester's, Throbbingcock, and Sean Anthony 96. I should actually thank Peter's Polish Furly Furry Porn for their generous donation.

Thank you, Peter's Polish Fairly Boy. We've added a few additional ones, Wonky Boys as well in there. To the wrong address. Yeah. Let me just... There it is.

We'll start with Keith Chegwins, cock and balls. Unofficial Vidiot's Podcomb. Desi does bon, bon, bon, bon, bon. And Truntus Monagie Comominole. Array! Fantastic. Just a reminder that to donate, it's three pounds or more to get a shout out, and you need to go to streamlabs.com forward slash poddiet's donations. We will no longer be

checking the old donation link of Vidiates official. That is just for live streams. It's streamlabs.com forward slash podiots donations. Thank you so much, everybody. Very much appreciated. Thank you all. Yep. Absolutely right. Mikey. Aye. There's some kind of shop and stuff, right? Oh, bloody ill. I forgot all about that.

E, we got some new bloody merch out. You know what I mean? And if you... E, bust us some monkey's blood. If you want some monkey's blood with your merch, just stick it in the notes. They'll spray it full of it. Yeah, we've got new merch out.

If you go to store.orgscast.com and head over to the vidiots bit on there, you'll find three lovely, exquisite, delightful new items. We got two Pottietch shirts and a Pottiette's mug. If you like Pottiet's, my God, We've got the items for you. So please do go check that out and give them a look and let me give it a cheeky order if you want. But if you do decide to, let me tell you, we've got a very special code.

If you use code vidiates at checkout, you will get 10% off everything in the Yorkscast store. That's absolutely everything. So you could get yourself potty, smug and a shirt and also, I don't know, just fucking a poster of a tank. There you go. Yeah, why not? Why not? We're not going to do that. Post some tank.

Post some tank. So that's store. atioskust.com. You can also check us out on YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, all.com forward slash Vidient. Fisci.

Sorry, it's a little burp there. Sorry, everybody. That's okay. All our Vods and the podcast also goes up on YouTube. Vods including the big Vidiots Reunion 2, right? That's what we called it.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can go watch that whole thing. It's up there now, I believe. I don't think it's been down for any copyright violations as far as I'm aware, so hopefully that's still up there.

We stream sometimes on twitch.t.tv. forward slash video. It's official. We all always talk about it on Twitter and Facebook and that sort of, that's those, that sort of places. So do pay attention there if you're interested in in catching us live at some point. And yeah, as I said to streamlaps.com for us as much as poddius donations, if you'd like to, if you'd like to join Ports Squad, thank you very much. Mikey, where can people find you? At Parrot Boy on the Tweeters is the best place to find me. That's where I post all my nonsense. And let's see, what fun awaits you if you follow me today? Oh, last thing I put up was a lovely video of a ferret wedding. So enjoy that. Delightful. And Peter, where are we?

We are at Team Triple Jump on Twitter, YouTube and other places too, where we're doing videos that were a little bit like what we used to do on viduets. We've got Rules Boss and we've got main menu where we do cooking. We've got prove it. We've got worst games ever, of course, and other things too. It's video gaming over there, though not just silly and videotic. Absolutely. Go check us out, go and ask.

Go and subscribe. Finally, leave us an iTunes review or a review slash rating on your platform of choice. It helps something to do with Al Gore's rhythms. Do we have a final question for this week? Um, um, um, um, um, um, question mark, there's your, there's your question. Um, in the chat, everybody.

Um's in the chat, can we get some ums in the chat, please? Yeah, em's in the chat. Fantastic. Thanks for listening, everybody. Enjoy the rest of your week. Hope you're doing well. Stay safe and Black Lives Matter. Yes, they do.

Yes, they do. All right. See you later, boys and girls and others. All right. See you. All right. Okay, close the door after you. Ta-ta.

See you later. Oh, what? Bye. Calling all book lovers. The Toronto International Festival of Authors brings you a world of stories all in one place. Discover five days of reading. talks, workshops and more, with over 100 authors from around the world, including Rachel Maddow, Ketourou Isaku and Kieran Desai. The Toronto International Festival of Authors, October 29th

to November 2nd. Details and tickets at festivalofauthors.ca.c.a.