Podiots - Podiots: Episode 67 - Merry Podiots

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

Peter's made the perfect Christmas song, Ben wants to know Santa's location and Mikey's brought along some festive felonies   Full video version of the Christmas song: https://youtu.be/vQTmG9kHzgw   Donate £3 or more to get a shoutout and join the Pod Squad! - https://streamlabs.com/podiotsdonations/ New merch: http://smarturl.it/Podiots Twitch: Twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord:  http://bit.ly/VidiotsDiscord   Ben and Peter's channel 'TripleJump': https://www.youtube.com/teamtriplejump   Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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event. Conditions supply, visit your local Volvo retailer or go to explorevolvo.com. Boys. Oh, hello. We need to talk about the Brian Butterfield Pod Pod Pod podcast. Right now. I found that completely by accident. I was Googling Brian Butterfield for other reasons. As you do, as you do. Yeah. For scholarly pursuits. And it came up as one of the top results that he's doing the Pod Pod Pod podcast. and then since then we've been sent it by I think at least two people but yeah you'd no longer need to come to vidiates

for all your Brian Butterfield podcast needs or poddiots I should say we really need to slide into those DMs and try and get on an episode imagine if we've got Brian Butterfield just for a little bit I think that's achievable I mean getting Brian Butterfield on is achievable

I think getting Hollywood A list of Peter Serafinoics is probably less likely Well, good thing that they're different people then Yeah, yeah, definitely It's good thing I'm looking at the first episode here The micro episode And then it says in parentheses

The Microsode Yeah This is the only one that's on there It's one minute This was supposed to be the full episode Unfortunately I spilled gravy on my computer again This microsode was all I could salvage But rest assured

The people at PC World are doing their absolute best To recover the original audio files And it says here and my Ethereum fortune. Oh. What's kind of upsetting about this, though, is that this has been out in the world since the 27th of November.

Oh, that's weird. I found it two days before we got sent it. How strange. Maybe it's just... Yeah. In fact, oh, no, I wasn't... Although I have Googled Brian recently, I remember now, I saw it

because it was tweeted by the non-official Brian Butterfield account, which will be why other people have also discovered it at the same time. So it's just been shared by that Twitter account. Incredible. So it seems like the first episode whenever PC World have finished

recovering it will be with Rob Delaney, who is also very funny. Oh, wow. So that's what it says in the micro-sode. It says starring Peter Serafinawitch and Rob Delaney underneath. So I would, this is a hearty potty its recommendation after

Peter's profound discovery. to go and subscribe to the Brian Butterfield pod-pod-hiven podcast, which does exist and presumably may have a real episode soon. It's hard to tell, isn't it, with Brian? Like, whether it's just a one-off gag. This could just be a joke to go on his amazing website so you can embed a failed podcast episode. I'm glad they're still paying the domain fees for that website.

It used to stay up forever. It is a work of art. Yeah. That's fantastic. It's so good. The world of Brian Butterfield. Sorry, there's boys blowing up my phones Let me just mute that Is it Brian? Could be, I'll find out later

I don't like to... I heard you were talking about it I don't want to look too keen I don't want to read the message yet Get back to him tomorrow, maybe But we'll continue to bring you news As we have it On the Brian Butterfield podcast

Hey guys Yo It's Crosbos Oh, Murray Crembus Oh, Morrow Crippos Big Bog Doog, do dog, do dog Dog

Hello, ho-ho, everybody, and welcome to Poddy. It's the official Ovidiates podcast. It's a conversational podcast where we take some questions from you at home and obey the law of the three us, where everybody brings a thing along to talk about. I'm Christmas Ben. I'm Christmas Peter and I'm Merry Michaelmus Oh that's good I panicked for some reason

I could I forgot What everyone else said Even though he literally just said it Merry Michaelmus it is Did you think Do you think the The Podiat's Santa Abbeyed the Law of the Three Urs

And instead of saying Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho He just goes Oh oh oh I would love that I think that's canon now Yeah He wears a yellow Christmas

outfit. Christmas place. There you come. Incredible. Yeah, we've made it to another Christmas. This is our Poddiet's Christmas

episode. We have Christmas questions. We presumably have Christmas things as well. So plenty of festivity coming your way after this episode

we will be taking a break over Christmas a new year and be back with you in the early 2020 ones. Pottyitz is not changing. It's just a little break.

It's just going away. It's just ending. Temporarily ending. And that's fine. But before we go any further, we've got some special Christmas elves who have made this possible today by supporting us financially

over at Streamlabs.com forward slash poddy at Stonations. Where, for as little as three pounds, if you support us at that, I was going to say, tear, this isn't Patreon. We did a different podcast this morning, Peter and I kind of thrown off by it.

Yeah, if you donate three pounds or more, not only are you a wonderful person and supporting us financially, but you get a shout-out at the beginning and the end of the podcast. Mikey has the first platoon of Christmas. Christmas elves this week. Let me start with, and I give a congratulations too, trying to get first.

Congratulations are actually getting first. Oh, well done. You did it. Hey, well done. It's a Christmas miracle. We've got the generous Tommy the Wank Engine who says, guess what, S-Y-O-B? What does S-Y-O-B stand for? Son of a bitch?

No, that doesn't work. Sun, comma. You on bike? Yeah, there we go. Guess what, sun yon bike? Do you have to do some mad stunts. The next episode should drop as I make my Christmas trip back home to Texas. The 2,287 mile journey.

America's too big. Stop it. Yeah, get it under wraps, guys. That's just crossing Texas, I think. Yeah, that's it. The X mile journey, I'm not reading that number again, it's too big, will be filled once again with podiots for 10 hours a day for four days. Oh, God.

No, thank you in advance for keeping me sane during this adventure. If you make it through, genuinely, just congratulations and good luck. Thank you, Tommy. Gravy Yoda, Santa cocking my ex-mas stocking, thanks. Like a Christmas miracle, 13 Inc. Alan Claw, very generous, thank you. And he says, Merry Chrysler. It's close one.

Mary Chrysler. Citadel Zombies, British Chippy. And just a ridiculously generous, a very stingy Scrooge Weath. You are too much. And they say, thank you very much. That's your pod squad for this week. Good. I like it.

Wow. Thanks very much for the donation now. Yeah, that's it. Everyone. Thanks, guys. Yeah, cheers. Only joking. That's not all.

Katie Kin Solo, who is, again, very generous. Thank you for all the hilarious content this year. It was needed. Thank you. Thank you. Merry mercenary prostitute. Specky Becky. Scooby-Drewby-Doo.

Drew, sorry. So let me do that again. I don't want to butcher these names. It's a very important procedure. Scooby-Druby-Drew. There you go. Trunters, tinsel titties. Big fan at that.

Bob, bo, bo, bon, bo, bo, jovoe. That is actually what it says. Very generous. Thank you very much. And they say, Billy, in, on a Rear Walrus. I'm saying it as if it's a song. Billion on a rare walrus.

Mary Crimbo, you trio of delightful delinquents. And to all the Pod Squad babes, may we all continue to be exceedingly weird as fuck. Thank you. Do you think that is supposed to be a song? Do you think it's walking in a... Billion on... Billion in on the...

No, I don't know what that is. No, it's not that. Oh, wait. Bombot is Bon Jovi? Billion on. Honorera, Walrus. Billions, it's like living on a prayer or something. Billion on Arraya,

Walrus. We've gone there. Wow. Smooth. And we have to give, jolly old St. Nick has been very generous. Actual Father Christmas, thank you. And they say,

Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas boys and Gauls. My Christmas wish is for you to cease and desist immediately. Oh, no. He knew that we did impressions at the start. If Dave can't stop us, no one can. Merry Chrysler, boys and girls. Merry Xmas fuckers, and Stuart Potter, 96.

Also, ho-ho homily lemons, who was very generous and said, wish I could donate more boys, but I hope you have a wonderful warrissy Christmas, my dudes. And to the whole Warhols clan, too. You've all been godsend in this garbage year, so eat, drink, be merry, keep safe, and enjoy yourselves. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Thank you. Boba Feet Merry Bopismus one and all Stucalicious has a new job Congratulations Well done You're a mean one Mr Black

Samuel de Barber Who was crazy generous And said No long message Just a note to wish you Happy Crimbles Happy wishes It says

Thank you Happy wishes to you too Yeah Chav Chav Chav Ramirez Awesome Fox 42 Also generous Merry Christmas Love you boys

Thank you for helping us all through 2020, and here's hoping that 2021 is better for all the war-eye. You boys have helped me through many rough patches, and I'm very thankful. Shout out to my Canadian counterpart, Andrew. Oh, okay. Hi, Andrew. Hi, Harry.

Arse-face, but festive. Mikey flies into what culture? Oh, my God. Help, I'm stuck in your lift. Otokarno, who was very generous and said, thank you for another year of podcasts. You're my favorite podcast.

and you got me through the fire barrel that was 2020. Thank you all three of you. Butterfield Xmas special, Lord Brahohohovich. But, ho, ho. Lord Broho-Hotovich, I guess. Spread cheeks, slap balls. Oh my God. Makes the girls go wit-woo.

Is that the right threshold there, Ben? I think it might be a dollar conversion situation. Okay, so we'll read that one. Hello, boyos, hello ferrets, good Christmas. Snacks That was a generous donation there Steven Scodes also generous Hello boys

Been meaning to be generous for poddits for a while now since I've been generous for Triple Jump It's been over a year Since I started listening to this podcast And I've loved every episode Big love to you boys And happy holidays

And finally on my list In my platoon Avagadro Toast Fantastic Thank you Stephen That's very generous Yeah Thank you And finally

I've managed to put Avogadro Toast On my Didn't I do this exact same with Avagadro Toast as well. Yeah, it's your favourite. I don't know. I can't remember. Anyway, Avagadro Toast again.

Jonesy, who was very generous. Hello, Boyx. Just wanted to say thank you once again for another year of awesome content and what has been a very dark year for everyone, you've been a true shining light with this podcast and Triple Jump. Hope you all have the best Christmas and New Year.

Thank you, Jonesy. Thank you, Johnson. Peter stretched my bumhole. Oh, good. Willem DeFomis, everyone. I want to know who this is, who's always doing the Willem Defoe names. It's Willem, isn't it? Year after year.

I mean, sorry, Fortnight after fortnight. It is practically a year now. Freddie Weber now loves rebels. Pond, ponily. Rudolph the red-assed rent boy. Oh, wow. Bon, bon, bon, bon, who is very generous. Please, can you wish a Merry Christmas to my wonderful husband, Dean,

who introduced me to you guys many moons ago. He is an amazing carer to our two disabled children, and listening to you guys gives us such. a laugh and a relief from everyday life. Merry Xmas. Hello, Dean. Merry Christmas, Dean. Hello, Bon, Bon, Bon, Bon, Bon. Much love to you both. Thank you. Yes, thank you for generosity. The official Pidiots Vodcast, Coltaholic crossover for Epp 50. Oh, God, I forgot about episode. Oh, God, I forgot about that. If anyone's in the office when we do it, maybe.

Jugson, the Coke Nose Reindeer. That's way better than anything we came up with last episode. Yeah, that's brilliant. Easter Bunny made me a furry Prince Beefcake Sue was very, very generous This message is for The Lads, capitalised And also all you boys and girls and others out there Hope you all are hanging in there For the last little bit of this truly hellacious year

It's almost over I no longer have any concept of time Love you Thank you very much Donna the Reindeer C-O-7 Oh okay because like Donnack So Donna the Reindeer

Oh no, that's hard to say Donner the rain, Dirk, Dirk, 07, thank you, Donna the rain, Dirk. Mrs. Machoni, or Mokoni, I'm sorry if I'm mispronance. Now, thank you for your generosity. Please say happy birthday to Mr. Mokoni-Machoni for me. Oh, wait, he is really behind on these, so maybe say happy wedding anniversary for June 2021 instead. Thanks, boys, Merry Xmas and all that.

Happy birthday, Mr. Mascenko, Machoni. Dick Machinko, happy birthday, and happy wedding anniversary as well. Yeah, Finn Tristam. And very Easter and birthday. We'll just get them all out here on, I guess. Yes, just do him. Next Christmas. Finn Tristum, do, do, do, do, do, do, thank you very much.

Not a boy or a girl, but an other. Emotional support donation. Prince Beef Cakes again. Taiwan, Taiwan, Mun. Taiwan Man? The best superhero. Taiwanman? I think that's a reference to something we did.

Yes, yes, it was Taiwan man from something. It was a weird news from last week. Oh, of course, yeah. Hasty seasonal diatribe and Mr. Macca. Unbelievable. You guys have been exceptional this year, so generous and so supportive, and we love all of you,

and a lot of those messages, sorry, a lot of those donations also had messages in them that we did read and they were very lovely, and we love you all. Thank you so much. Thank you very much, everybody. If you'd like to join PodSquot

for the 2021 inaugural episode, you can go to streamlabs.com forward slash potty. donations, three pounds or more, and you get a shout out at the beginning and the end of the show. As always, you know, you don't have to. That's absolutely fine. We love the fact that you're just here anyway and listening to our stupid nonsense. Speaking of which, that might be a long list by the time we get there. Oh, God, yeah. We'll see. Hello. Would you like to start, not with a question, but with some jokes? Oh. Ooh. This is a little festive treat. I've found this year's top 10 topical cracker jokes as listed by The Guardian.

Topical? Topical, yes. So you can guess the kind of theme these are all going to go for considering this year. So it's not just jokes. It's very, it's COVID-centric jokes or politics-centric. Can I just guess off the top of my head what at least one of them will be? Go on then. How do you give season's greetings to someone who's not feeling very well?

Yeah. Merry Christmas. You know what, Peter? That's genuinely funny than, funnier than any of the ones on here. Oh, no. You should start writing these cracker jokes. I should. I'll give you the bottom three to start with.

How's that sound? Sure. This is number 10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Warm Alone. Oh, very good. That's a proper cracker joke in the sense that it's just warfully awful. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner?

I don't want to know. They put on a super spread. Oh. I get it? Super spreaders, yeah? Biting satire, that's good. Got him. And lastly, why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute?

He doesn't know how many tears it should have. Oh, that's good. A real think of that one. Yeah. I was hoping the punchline wasn't going to be because he's in hospital with coronavirus. Yeah, because he's terrible. Yeah.

He's just the worst. All right. So time for question, I think it is. This one comes from Orange Jaw on Twitter at I guess I'm demons. Hello, boys, or girls. If you were Santa and you didn't give naughty children cool, what would you give them instead? Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's to you and yours fellas.

thanks for a great year of entertainment and also Mel Christmas at Spectre Zero One sent in a very similar question So what can't do to replace Cole? What's just the worst thing you can give someone to show them they've been a very naughty boy or girl? How about a gift voucher for

Dead UK High Street Store Woolworth? I'd almost kind of appreciate that I think Woolworth could make a comeback at any moment I mean, not in this economy, but... They've been saying that for 10 years, I swear. Just thinking they're picking mix. I would give them a winning lottery ticket or scratch card bought in their name because they would not be able to claim it

because they were under 18. Oh, that's good. That sort of devil levels of punishment. It would have to be some sort of raffle or competition that doesn't mean you can just give it to an adult. to go and cash for you. You have to put your name on the ticket. Yeah.

I think I'd give an empty memory stick. So you open your stocking, you get this memory stick, you think, oh, what goodies could possibly lie on here? And you put it in a computer all excitedly, and it's empty. And worst of all, it's only like 128 megabytes, so it's barely even useful. Take that, you naughty boy or girl. Has this happened to you, Michael?

No, but it's happened before. Like, you know when you get like a collector's edition and there's a memory stick in it? Yeah. I think we had it sometimes with Postum Tat. Like I'd put them to one side and I'd put them in the computer to check and usually be nothing on them.

Like, oh, come on. You could at least put the game files or something on there. Just the occasional porn virus. Well, yeah, porn virus is a given. You know, you've got to do that. Didn't we get a pirated movie on a USB stick sent to us once and post some Tats? I don't remember that, but I hope so.

I could believe it, yeah. I think we did. I can't remember what it was, though. It was really obscure. Kill Keith I've never seen Kill Keith I should be in my watch list

I've still got the DVD here in my video shrine in the corner of the room Did you get Trott to sign it Yeah I think I got all of Hat films To sign it actually Which probably decreased its value

Oh wow No I just mean because Smith and Ross weren't in it Is what I mean It's like that It's on The Simpsons where he's got a picture of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore. Oh, brilliant.

Or our picture of Mel Gibson signed by Billy Ray. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I was looking through my box of Vidgets Tat the other day, and I came across the, not Margaret Thatcher, what she called, the other female politician. Theresa May? Theresa May.

I found my sign picture from her, signed picture from Ed Miliband. I've got a hell of a hell of a empire going on here. Wow. It's amazing. Right, well, thank you for your answers there, boys. Who would like to do a cheeky little thing? Oh, sure.

I've got a thing. Yeah, go on, huh? So I've got a thing that will work perfectly well in audio form. I have been working on it this week in the little free time that I've had, but we've been a busy pair of boys this week, have we not been? So it's got a video component, which you guys can watch along, like now, Which isn't finished, but by the time this podcast goes out, I will have finished it. So everyone else will be able to watch the video component, which will help with the listening experience.

It will kind of all make sense when you get it. So you'll see when you guys watch this video part that there are things missing, but they will be there at time of publishing. Oh, I'm shaking with anticipation. So here we go, posting a link into the chat. And I guess we should all just... Do not watch before podcast. We should all one, two, three and maybe play at the same time. Okay, I've pressed play and then paused it immediately.

Okay, same. Sure. Count us in, Pete. Okay. One, two, three, go. Weird pod squad names, London's Lorraine, Michael Juxon, not the onion, gulls, eating dogs, cheggers is knock, go, skeletons. Naruto run

Edomplejo Song about silk Banksie is meal Succulent meal Tournament time Cow on the line Get freebie bucks Dave eating tucks

Darwin awards Bin Luns Horsum Fatty Mr. Blopby Erotica Chocolate grandma McNuggy cake Frozen meat face

Milo is purging Grape Coon is flooding weak He is weird Curves disappeared Merry Merry Merry Merry Pottiot Merry Mary Mary Mary Mary Pottiot

Bed Flat Martin's arm, 30 fandom, Bozzy and Jim, I ever then fridge leaking gas, Yoda in mash, Mikey's dog rap, mental health apps, conspiracies, Hoover stories, German robots, school for powdots, Pince in Benz bed, Fisgob is there, Jeff the Mongvoos, Noel Edmunds Seas, Psycho Seagull, Bade in Death Hall, We don't want your comments be tall, Penn Franklin's Pats, Rib Memory Cards, Bio to Big Snots Sold at Wicks, Medial killers, co-co-garilla shreddies review boy does long food Merry, many, many, merry, many podgets,

many, many, many podgets. Florida man, bad zombie plans, Dave shows for stuff, linear puffs, audience pole on toilet roll, BAFTA Nazis, Babaloonie, Archimmy sing, party at stings, now it's the end, please tell your friend. Oh my God! Now I'm no Michael Boubley. Outstanding. Oh, it's actually quite emotional.

That's beautiful. So many happy memories. Yeah. And so many traumatic ones as well. So would people have been able to hear that in the podcast as we were reacting to it? Yes, they will have. I can send you the raw audio, Mikey. Yes, please.

That, Peter, that is spectacular. Not only content-wise, but what a voice. Yeah. What a voice. I was about to say, I think I wouldn't say no to an auto-tune plug-in at some point. but uh you know i've got a very choir boy aesthetic to it it's good well you just shove a bit of reverb on it i think and that kind of helps hey come on don't don't talk it down it was amazing peter thank you very much really really good we need to end the podcast on that as well that's what we're

going off into christmas with so i think uh without without the lyrics in front of you which is what ben and mikey just had watching along on video it's probably a lot of it just is so fleeting that you can't even tell what I'm even referring to. So I would recommend that those who wish to check it out. It will be on the video's channel, probably public, and also linked in the description of this podcast episode. So there's a thank you very much. You've done yourself there.

That is beautiful. You're very welcome. My cheeks actually hurt from smiling. Well, so actually, I was going to, this, I've been planning this for a long time. It was going to be, I was going to do that. for the 50th episode but instead of the Carol of the Bells I was going to do it um we didn't start the fire or they'll never stop the Simpsons you know they do that Simpson song where they just list

episodes and stuff I was going to just do one of those and then episode 50 never happened and I've been like when am I going to be able to do this song and then I realized oh Christmas I'll do that that Carol of the Bells perfect it was perfect thank you could not be any any better. I'm genuinely a bit speech just by that. God, when you see everything like that listed in quick succession, it really makes you worry about this podcast, doesn't it? Yeah, I know. There'll be so much I left out as well, either because the stuff I know that I just couldn't make it rhyme with anything else, so I just had to ditch it. And also things I won't have remembered, like, you know, I tried my best just to read the description of every episode and remember what was in there. But

I know people will be saying, oh, why didn't you include that story about when you're not fell off? Or whatever. Bourbon biscuits. Where are they? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Wow. Somehow we have to try and move on from this.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just want to sit and bask in its glory for another couple of minutes. I did enjoy how you tackled sugar puffs by, you know, how we censor the rude part. We'd call them sugar-linias, but instead you just went linear puffs. Well, yeah, because it needed to be a three-syllable word. I couldn't go sugar-pur puffs or sugar-liniers. So it had to be linear puffs, unfortunately.

Linear-puffs, linear-liners. Sorry to anyone who I've offended with the phrase linear puffs. The honey monster, I imagine. Yeah. Chegg is knob. Good, I'm glad that's a stand-at-one from the podcast, right? Peter, genuinely, thank you very much for that. That is absolutely beautiful.

That'll be playing in this house on Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, everyone. All right. Shall we have another question? Oh, wait, nope, jokes. Can't forget the jokes. Oh, yeah, don't forget the jokes. Okay.

This is number seven in the list. Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Oh, because there was no Zoom at the inn. Oh, for God's sake. That's, mm. I can't believe I've just followed up that song with that. I'm really sorry, Peter. That's disgraceful.

Now we're back in the groove. Yeah. This feels much better. Number six. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a pantor? Because eventually it's behind you. Right. Okay.

Yeah. I mean, technically, yes, that's a joke. I didn't laugh, but yeah. Yeah, sure. It's funny. Number five. Why did the power? have to go into lockdown because the R rate had risen.

Oh, dear me. I like that. I like that. There's the best of the three that you just read, for sure. Well, that's not saying much. No. And are these ranked as better than the first three that you did in your list? Or is it just 10 of the best rather than the 10 best and then ranked from?

So it's the top 10 ranked from 10 to 1. So we are theoretically going in order of worse to better. Okay, I like the first set. Yeah, the first three were better than the second three. Anyway, is that right? Send them an email, Michael. Yeah, what the hell? Fix it.

Oh, fuck. What's going on, UK TV Gould? Oh, God. Is that who was brought in to write this list? Yeah, that's the Comedy Authority. Okay. Would you like a question? Yes.

This one comes from Stephen Brindley at Stamberindley at Steve O'Brindley on Twitter. Oh, no! My ex-a-sat! You've killed Santa, like Tim Allen. And you have become the new Santa Claus. What changes would you make to the duty of Santa Claus? Would you replace the reindeer with magical ferrets or a pork cylinder instead of a mince pie

slash milk being left out on Christmas Eve? Okay. So let's get to tailor Christmas to make ourselves happy. suit ourselves. I feel like it is easier to gorge on savoury than sweet. Like, so I, maybe it does, maybe it would be good to have a pork cylinder at every house rather than a mince pie.

I mean, I don't like mince pies anyway, but even if it was, you know, a sweet that I liked, I don't think I'd like. Yeah, like pork cylinders were always something that I wanted to like but I could never get past the gelatin. Well, yeah, and, yeah, that's not great. You can't get them without jelly, though. Are you talking about pork pies or sausages?

currently. I presume pork pies. Yeah. When he says pork cylinders, is he not talking about sausages? I think on the video, it shows it's like wrapped in pastry, isn't it? I think it's a pork pie.

I don't know. I always just thought pork cylinder was sausage because a pie isn't cylindrical, is it? Pork pie. Is it really? I was thought it was sausages. I can show you proof direct from the... Yeah, let's go to the judges.

I'm going to go to the tape. Wow, there it is. There it is. There it is. I stand corrected. There you go. I'm really glad this resource exists. I'm going to add that to the photo dump.

And that was the first thing. And that's the photo dump with no context. There we go. Just a pork cylinder. Yeah, I'm a big fan of pork cylinders. So I would love, I think is pork cylinders, there are a lot. You know, you don't want to eat too much pork cylinder. They're pork cylinders.

They're quite rich. so I would almost prefer maybe just a half of a ham and egg slab instead. The single cornflake toasted. Yeah, that actually would be great. You don't want anything too heavy, do you? That's why for me, I'm thinking if I'm going to replace the food, I want hummus, but like everyone puts out a different variety of hummus. Okay.

So I feel like hummus is kind of easy enough that you can have a little bit of it and be satisfied. And it can be complemented with, you know, carrots or celery. So it's not too heavy. I think you mean garlic pudding, don't you? Oh, garlic pudding. What is garlic pudding? I think what we talked about this several episodes ago. Oh, God, why?

I think we just assumed it was hummus, but... What about fluffy rough? Do we know what fluffy rough is? I think it's cheese on toast, isn't it? Or like some kind of fried bread. It's eggy bread. Eggy bread, yeah. And obviously, hoisting crispy owl speaks for itself.

Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, okay, so we'll have a bit of pork cylinder. for the pork cylinder What do we drink Can keep going Monster energy Probably

Oh fuck yeah Just I guess whatever Dave has got for us Yeah Just lilt Just keep going Keep you going all night Replace all Santa Zelves With little

Little Dave's Going around the place Being Irish and offering tea and drinks That's it That's Dave's entire personality It is Something more Everyone in the stockings

gets a bit of a tuck and a real rashers Oh I hope Dave's doing all right We haven't heard from him in a while I spoke to him the other day Did you? How's he getting on?

He's doing good Yeah Yeah I mean I don't want to I mean he's had some He's had some like Life He's he's done life things recently

But I don't know Whether I want to just Reveal his personal information On the audience I think we spoke about it Previously about his bed right Yeah he's had a baby So it's just

asking him about the baby and stuff. Just a little took. Yeah. A little. He's scared he's on his way to his midlife crisis now because he's, you know, he's got a partner to look after and a baby. This is it. He's on that path now.

Imagine having Dave as your dad. The dad jokes would be on a whole other level. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. That kid's going to grow up into something mighty. Son, would you stop clenching your fists? Oh, God. So we've got food, we've got drink,

we've got an army of Dave's working in the workshop. What more of the transportation are we going to take? I think that's important. It's got to fly, hasn't it? Hmm. Is anyone in the VCU actually fly? We're going to ride Stephen Siegel around everywhere? Yeah, Bobby Babylonie, if you popper.

Oh, Bobby Babylonian. It'd be like a hot air balloon. Yeah, Bobby's... Yeah, we could have a big hot air bablooney. No, that's not good. And then like... Ben, what was that? Nothing.

I don't say that. Share with the group. I said Bobby's hot Babylonie. Oh, oh dear. Oh, yeah. We could ask that. That goes number seven on the list of the top ten. Okay.

Babolini puns us here. Bobby could sort us out with a big hot babaluni and then we could steer it with Stephen Seagull and Psycho Seagull like on James and the Giant Peach when it's steered by Seagulls. Does it have to? Does everything have to be in that really kind of upsetting art style?

Yeah, claymation. I don't like that. Yeah. It's a bit frightening. Giant insects everywhere. The big bed bug, Mikey's bed bug. Oh, no, please, no. Yeah.

Some kind of cannon maybe mounted on top to fire presence from a distance so we don't need to get close, maybe. Yeah. Expedite that process up. Or just, you know, just franchise out and let Amazon. and do it. Yeah, I was actually just about to say that, like Amazon logistics take care of the worry.

They've got, they can cover the worlds. Fuck it. Why should Santa be doing all the work when Jeff Bezos could be doing it? Yeah, why should Elvis be doing it for free when human beings could do it for even less money? As long as they promise not to use Hermes because, my God.

My God. Not good. Fuck Hermes. Is that it? Have we done it? Yep. Well, I've got, I mean, I almost went into a whole story there. but I should probably save it for a thing.

But I've just, we've got an asshole Hermes driver. Really? It's always the same guy every time and he's miserable and he's the one who took a photo of my feet when he delivers. You know, they don't even have to do that.

He's just collecting pictures of feet at this point. Yeah, well, I mean, if he just went to tiny peat big feet.com then. But who do you think is the admin of the site? Yeah. I'm glad that you know your delivery drivers like so well that they've got personalities

for them, or he's just one of them. I wish it was just a different one sometimes, and it's never, ever a different one. Oh, it's you again. Yeah. Would you boys like a thing? Yes. I could do a thing.

Oh, go on then. Serve it up, boy. I will. So this is a nice story. It's a nice story. Nice. And I mean that. I don't mean that.

You know, it sounded a bit insincere, but I'm... It's a nice story. So are you guys aware of the sort of, what's it called, the sort of, the Santa tracker thing that they have in the States, where they all updates and like they track Santa across the country and the world on like, on the, on the satellites and they have a call center that children can call for updates on Santa and that kind of stuff. And it's like normally sponsored by a company, I think, which is why they do it. Well, this is the story of how it got started. Beyond the fact that, obviously, Father Christmas is real, which he is. This is from the Washington Post. A child calling Santa reached NORAD instead.

Christmas Eve was never the same. Oh. So the military's famous Santa tracker began with a wrong number. Here we go. You're right. Yeah, I'll let you explain. Yeah, go into it. I'm not going to raise any questions before you've even started talking.

Okay, here we go. Colonel Harry Shoup was a real buy-the-book. guy. At home, his two daughters were limited to phone calls of no more than three minutes monitored by an egg timer and were automatically grounded if they missed curfew by even a minute. Oh, wow. At work, during his 28-year Air Force career, the decorated fighter pilot was known as a no-nonsense commander and stickler for rules, which makes what happened that day in 1955, even more of a Christmas miracle. Oh. It was a December day in Colorado Springs when the phone rang on Colonel Shoup's desk, not the black phone, the red phone.

Oh. When that phone rang, it was a big deal, said Shoup's daughter, Terry Van Curen, 69, nice, a retiree in Castle Rock, Colorado, it says Kolo, I'm assuming that's Colorado. Said Father Christmas, 420. Blaze it. It was the middle of the Cold War, and that phone meant bad news. Shoup was a commander of the Continental Air Defense Command, Conad, the early iteration of the North American Aerospace Defense Command,

NORAD. Then, as now, the joint U.S.-Canadian operation was the tense nerve center of America's defensive shield against a sneak air attack. In 1955, the command center was filled with a massive map of North America on Plexiglass,

behind which, backward writing technicians, backward writing technicians. Makes it sound as if that's what they do is just write backwards. As people who write on glass, I guess, so... Is that the whole thing?

they're more skilled than that. That was their job just to write... What do you do? I write backwards on glass. Oh, that's very sexy. Pretty rad, yeah. Backwood writing technicians on scaffolds marked every suspect radar blip in grease pencil.

It was not a place of fun and games. And when that red phone rang, it was wired directly to a four-star general at the Pentagon. Things got real. All eyes would have been on Shoup when he answered. Colonel Shoup, he said, barked, for there was silence, until finally a small voice said,

Is this Santa Claus? Shoup, by all accounts, was briefly confused and then fully annoyed. Is this a joke? Glaring at the wide-eyed staff for any sign of a smile, he let the caller have it with all the indignity of a bird colonel, it says here, who booked no nonsense on this most vital of all phone lines. Just what do you think you're doing? He began. But then the techno-military might of the United States was brought up short by the

sound of sniffles. Whoever was on the phone was crying, and Shoup suddenly realized it really was a child who was trying to reach Santa Claus. The Colonel paused, considered, and then responded. Ho, ho, ho, he said, as his crew looked on astonished. Of course this is Santa Claus. Have you been a good boy? He talked to the local youngster for several minutes, hearing his wishes for toys and treats and assuring him he would be there on Christmas Eve. Then the boy asked Santa to bring something nice for his mummy. I will, I will. Sam. Santa Shroop said, in fact, could I speak to your mummy now? The boy put his mother on the phone and Shoup went back to business. I think I said Shroop accidentally. Shoup went back to business, crisply explaining to the woman just what facility their call had reached. He said he thought she must have been a military wife, said Van Kuren. She was properly, she was properly cowed, code? C-O-W-E-D. I've only seen that word written down. Cowed, I think. I don't know. What is cowed? It's just like being told off, I think.

Oh, to submit to one's wishes by intimidation. Right, yeah. So she was, he talked to her good and proper, and she was quite subdued by it. But she also had an explanation. The woman asked Shoup to look at that day's local newspaper, specifically at a sear's ad emblazoned with a big picture of Santa that invited kids to call me on my private phone,

and I will talk to you personally any time day or night. The number provided, M.E.2-6681, went right to one of the most secure phones in the country. Oh my God. They were off by one digit, said Van Curen. It was a typo. When Shoup hung up, the phone rang again. He ordered his staff to answer each Santa call while he got on the black phone with AT&T to set up a new link to Washington.

Let Sears have the old number, he told them. That might have been the end of it, but a few nights later, Shoup, as was his tradition, took his family to have Christmas Eve dinner with his on-duty troops. When they walked into the control centre, he spotted a little image of a sleigh pulled by eight unregistered reindeer coming over the top of the world. Vancuren was only six at the time, but the exchange that followed became stuff of both family and Air Force legend. What's that? The commanding officer asked. Just having a little fun, Colonel, they answered, waiting for the blow-up. Shoup pondered the offence, the offence, the offence, as the team

waited. Then he ordered someone to get the community relations officer, and soon, Sheep was on the phone to a local radio station. Konad had picked up unidentified incoming, possible North Pole origin, distinctly sleigh-shaped. Sorry, Unite had picked up... What does that say? Konad had picked up unidentified incoming. Is that...

Yeah, I think you can call... We've picked up unidentified incoming. Oh, okay. It's like at incoming. We've picked up at incoming. Gotcha. That makes sense. An identified one. The radio station.

station ate it up. The networks got involved and an enduring tradition was born. This Christmas Eve, this was two years ago now, marks the 63rd straight year that Norad is publicly tracking Santa slay on its global rounds. Children in Albania better get to bed soon as Santa is nearby to deliver presents, Norad tweeted Monday evening. Santa and the reindeer were moving quick, reaching Africa a few hours later. This is our most feel-good mission, said Major Andrew Hennessy, a Canadian army officer, NORAD headquarters in Colorado. We know Santa brings lasting joy to kids around the world, and we're happy to have that as our fourth mission one day out of the year. And then it just explains how serious NORAD's other missions are. In good military fashion, the Santa tracking

command has grown terrifically complex. Norad deploy satellites, radar, jet fighters, and Santa cams to feed its website, apps and social media accounts used by more than 2 million followers. Nauty and nice alike can follow Santa's movement on 3D maps in eight languages. Last year, when Alexa was asked, where's Santa more than... Oh, sorry, Alexa was asked, where's Santa more than 1.5 million times? And it was NORAD that fed her the answer. But the real emotional outlay comes in the Colorado Springs Live Cool Center, staffed for 20 hours on December the 24th by more than 1,500 volunteers.

Oh my God. With a nine-page Santa tracker manual in hand, they fielded more than 120. 26,000 calls in 2017. And it goes on to say how many calls they got. And finally to hear what happened to Shoup. Shoup went on to ever higher ranks in the Air Force retiring as a wing commander. When his kids were old enough, he told them why so many of his colleagues called him the Santa Colonel. But it was a quiet kind of legacy until the 25th anniversary of Santa tracking and TV news crews sought him out. After that, he looked forward to getting the media calls each December, even carrying special business cards with a story typed on the back.

He was buried at 91 in 2009 with a flyover of F-16 fighters under a gravestone that notes his service in World War II, Korea and Vietnam. The last line reads, Santa Colonel. And there we are. Aw, that's lovely. A lovely story. I remember watching that one year, like, in the late 90s. Because I remember it was in my old house.

and I think it was in like 1999 just before we moved I'm pretty sure we watched it might have been the NORAD one but maybe there was a similar thing going on where there was just I mean it's so strange though

to think that we were watching like some sort of live video back then on that kind of internet but I've got a distinct memory maybe it's just made up but I remember sitting in the house that we used to live in

until 2000 watching a really blurry, like, map of just a sleigh moving around and moving across the world. I know now they have like a really nice animated thing, and as you say, there's all these kind of extra aspects to it, but back then it was this little archaic thing. Yeah, that was it. Colonel Harry Shoup is the one what's done it after a mistake. That's amazing. I just love the fact that a kid called up

got shouted at and then I was like, yes, this is Santa. Yes, this is Santa. Yeah, there's an embedded video in here of Trump fielding some NORAD calls talking to children. Oh, no. And the video's titled,

Trump Fields Norad calls tells reporters there's nothing new on shutdown because, of course, he did. God. There we are. That's it. That's my thing. Oh, that's lovely.

I had no idea. I was only familiar with the website of it. I didn't know it was, well, existed before that. Yeah. It's amazing. So there we are. Oh. Thank you, boys. I like some more ha-ha, hilarious, funny jokes. Oh, they're back.

Oh, boy, would I. Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity. Oh, God, it's all COVID jokes, isn't it? All of these. Yeah. Yeah. To be fair, not much else has happened.

Well, actually, there's one that's not COVID-related. Well, no, it is. How many reindeer died in the Australian wildfires? There we go, that spice up a little bit. All of them. That's funny. Blimey. Why?

Okay, this one's all right. Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? Because all virgin flights were cancelled. Oh, that's all right. That's all right. There we go. That's the least COVID one of the bunch. I'll tear that.

It's good stuff. Yeah. And number two, we'll keep number one for the end. Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop? Many of his workers have had to elf isolate. For God's sake. Stop it. Lovely.

Well, I'll move on to... Wait, is it a question time? It's question time. There we go. This is from John O'Dekin at John O'Dekin 20 on Twitter. It's Christmas Eve, and you realized you bought the turkey, but forgot to buy the rest of it. of the food for Christmas dinner.

You are now running around Tesco like Arnie looking for Turbo Man doll. You only have enough money to buy three foods to complete your Xmas dinner. What are they? Three foods to complete it. So I assume we're going to go completely off the rails here. No veg, no potato, no Brussels sprouts. That's just down. Cold hard.

Cash. Snacks. Yeah. All jammy dodgers. Jammie Dodgers. Cold hard snacks. Cold hard snacks. So we've got turkey, that's right?

We've got that. Did you say that's a given, and we're just adding to the turkey? Yeah, so we're looking to compliment the turkey. Okay. I think Jammie Dodger, because it's kind of like cranberry in the middle, isn't it? Yes. Yeah. I'm not one for Cranberry anything, really.

Oh, they should do a Christmas, Jammie Dodger. That's got cranberry in the middle of it. There we go on. Yeah, go on. Take us up on that. Get in touch with Mars or whoever it is. I have thought of a very easy workaround to this One of the food items could just be that Christmas dinner in a tin

Christmas tinner The game Christmas tinner Yeah I really do want to try that Because I watched a very good triple jump video About Christmas gifts I learned that they do a vegan variety of it Fortunately they do yes

Now everyone tends to misery Has the desserts included with the savoury layers all in one go. Yeah, if it was just the savoury stuff, it would be palatable, but instead, you get that instead. Is it any available on eBay? No. No, I don't know when they make them available.

They might not have done them this year because they're too busy, you know, not having any PS5s or Xboxes to sell anyone. Too busy trying to not go under again. Yeah. Well, the Christmas dinner could save them all. Charge 20 quid a pot, bam. I'd buy one just to try it.

Yeah, seriously, economy's saved. Especially there's going to be a lot of people eating Christmas dinner on their own or in one household this year. So just get a couple of tins. You know, you don't want to buy a whole turkey? No, of course not. Do you reckon there's someone who's genuinely gutted this year because they were really, really looking forward to their game Christmas dinner and they're not on sale? I love those. They're so delicious.

I like how all the flavors are mashed into layers. Well, they could have just bought several last year and they'd still be good, I'm sure. I mean, they'd still be bad, but they wouldn't have gone off. so how many things can we add are we how many things do we get to buy three foods to complete our Christmas dinner I got cranries jambi dodgers I guess okay I were doing this one each

that works okay sorry for putting jammy dodgers and everyone's plates this this Christmas that's fine biscuits and gravy is is meant to be good right yeah I mean it's yeah it's not really that kind of biscuit but okay I'll find

Oh goodness me Maybe just like some really mature cheddar cheese Because, you know, not very nice with the dinner But I don't want to miss out on my cheese My cheese pudding Afterwards So we're just going to have to eat it all together Jammy Dodgers cheese, turkey and something else

Oh, okay So we're on to a winner so far How are you going to finish off this winning combination? Well, I'm just thinking logically if we've forgotten to get vital sort of constituent parts of a Christmas dinner then we're kind of working under the assumption that there's none to be found

so we're just replacing it with things that are definitely going to be in stock so jammy dodgers yes cheese yes maybe down the aisle I'm just thinking I'm picturing my local Tesco you're going around the aisles with a trolley yeah maybe something we need some kind of

carbs on that plate, I feel, you know? Beyond the biscuits, obviously. Maybe some say, maybe a microwave rice packet. But they're a different... What kind? Mexican egg fried. I'm going to go Basmati.

Oh. Cheesy basmati rice with jammie dodgers and turkey. Merry crimbles. Oh, beautiful. Put that in a can in the small bit. Does Cheesy Basmati sound like a Wes Anderson film to you guys? Cheez-in. Yeah.

It also sounds like a 70s kid show. And now it's cheesy Basmati. It's all wonky stop motion animation. Really, really upsetting to watch now. He's a member of the Turkey Dodgers gang, I think. The Turkey Dodgers. Oh, God. Christ.

I think that there you go. If you're panicking for what to eat this Christmas and it just so happens to be like quarter to midnight on Christmas Eve, you know what to do. You know what to do. Basmati short for Barry Matthews. Yes, I think. That's it. Chazy Basmati and the turkey dodgers. Oh, dear. Scandal very much confirmed with Barry Matthews.

Absolutely. He was friends with all of them. I'm just Googling Barry Matthew. I think I see him, maybe I'll remember. We're assuming, Baz Matty spelled with a Z, right? Baz. Baz. Yeah, got a bit, yeah, well, good British Barry, got to be with a Z.

B-A-Z, M-A-W-T-Y, Baz-M-A-T-Y, Baz-M-A-M-A-M-A-L-M-A-L-L-A-L-L-A-L-L-L-A-L-L-L-E-L-L-L-L-E-L-L-L-E-L-L-R-E. that was the main reason. I picked it. So now I've got a cupboard full of Barry Matthews. Oh, I'll enjoy. It's funny, really, because the turkey is probably made by Bernard. Made by Bernard Matthews.

Made by Bernard. Bernie Matty. Oh, God. What if the turkey was just one giant turkey dinosaur? Oh, that would be amazing. Just a really big one. Has anyone ever done that? breaded turkey for Christmas?

Like, where you just bred an entire turkey? You can deep fry a turkey, right? I think. Well, you can deep fry anything, yeah. You can deep fry you if you want. Yeah. Yeah, there's deep fried whole turkeys here, but not only breaded ones.

There you go. That's an innovation. Okay. I'm just looking at pictures of turkey now. Oh, Michael. Dipping into buckets of oil. You can have a tow furkey, right? Is that a thing?

Tof. Yeah. Yeah. Someone, someone mentioned another type of like, where it's like tofu inside of something, inside of something, instead of like a tofu ducan. It's a, it's a, it's just tofucking. I think it's just too fucking. That's great. Is that a real thing? Sounds delicious. I mean, a turduckin is the turkey. What, so you put, but surely you can't put it inside a duck and a, and a chicken, right? All right, let's see, let's see what tofucking is. Mok meats typically come in bland white blocks, tofu or brown clumps, satan. Sounds delicious. I love both of those things. How dare they?

Brown clumps, did you say? Yeah. I mean, that's one way to describe Saitan. That's fine. Oh, it links to a dead page. We'll never know. Damn it. Well, one thing we will know, Michael,

is what your thing is. Oh, wow. To follow up from Ben's incredibly wholesome thing, let's do some Christmas crimes. Yeah. Let's go out and do a crime. This first one is It's a crime in the technical sense

Well, it's not even a crime In the technical sense of the word But it's naughty And I just love it a lot The headline for this crime reads Priest suspended for riding hoverboard Up Isles during Christmas Eve Mass How is that suspension?

I know, it's rare There's a video of this And it is absolutely incredible Everyone's like singing, dancing, clapping Like yeah, this is great The Spirit of Christmas is alive And the big boys on top James Jesus Christ says no

Not having that So it's happened in the Philippines And the priest came in And you just started rocking up and dial Up and down the aisles Giving the sermon And it's a thing to behold It is beautiful

This is you can I mean the fact he's riding a hoverboard You can tell this article's about five years old At this point But still Still beautiful to this day I like to think there was no relevance whatsoever You know

He wasn't doing a sermon about you know, gliding to heaven or anything. It was just he'd got a hoverboard for Christmas and didn't want to leave it at home. It's just a bit of showmanship. Yeah. The priest was filmed riding the self-balancing scooter up and down the aisles to the applause

and evident delight of some of the congregation. But the church wasn't happy and they issued a statement, which reads it follows. Last December 24th, 2015, before the final blessing of the Christmas Eve Mass, as a way of greeting his parishioners, the priests sang a Christmas song

while going around the knave, I guess, standing on a hoverboard. That was wrong. It makes it so dramatic. The way it's laid out, it's just, that was wrong, gets his own paragraph, and it's only that sentence.

Wow, I'm going to hold off. The, oh, these are words I've not really read before, so I apologize. The Eucharist. The Eucharist. Eucharist, yeah. Eucharist, that makes sense. demands utmost respect and reverence

in its memorial of the Lord's sacrifice. It is the source and summit of Christian life it is the church's highest form of worship. Consequently, it is not a personal celebration where one can capriciously introduce something to get the intention of the people. The priest said that it was a wake-up call for him. He acknowledged that his action was not right

and promised that it will not happen again. You're not telling me that Jesus wouldn't have been hoverboarding across the sea of Galilee. Oh, absolutely. If he had one. there was a lot of people were fighting back against him getting suspended because they said I made church more engaging in fun you know it's not that bad it's just a bit of fun but he is back and apparently he's got his up the priest is so popular that he has his own

Facebook page so he's just just a priestie influencer I guess nice brilliant Portland police arrest man after alleged Star Wars lightsaber assaulted toys are us Oh, no. This is Christmasy because it took place on December 15th, 2011. In Toys R Us, to be fair. Yeah, exactly. Police arrested a man who allegedly assaulted three people with a blue lightsaber. Who's who has a blue lightsaber?

Luke? Luke until he doesn't, and then he gets a green one. But, yeah, Luke. It wasn't very Luke of this man. No. A 911 caller reported the incident at about 10 to 10 p.m. on December 15th, 2011. And said the man was inside the store,

swinging the Star Wars weapon of choice at customers, said Sergeant Pete Simpson. While the caller was on the phone, the man then left the store, lightsaber in hand, and walked out into the parking lot. Officers tried to arrest the man, but he kept swinging the lightsaber out of him.

It's not a real lightsaber. Quick, don't go near him. Oh, no, it might hurt you a little bit. He's got the force. He's got lights and sounds. Oh, it's making swishy noises. So it could actually be a bit hot. It's partially retractable.

Ow! You hit me. Oh, stop that. Ow! I think he may have actually been a Jedi because the next line is, one police officer tried to use his taser on the subject, but the device didn't work.

I hope that means that it stunned him, but he just kept powering through. Stunson. Another officer used his taser and made contact, but the man knocked one of the wires away with the lightsaber. He used to the boss. The officers finally arrested the man after grabbing him and pinging him to the ground. The suspect identified only as a 33-year-old Hillsborough man was treated by medics at the scene and taken to an area hospital. He faces several criminal charges after he is evaluated. Was this in the UK? This was in America. I think it was in Oregon. Oh, okay. What they should have done is go back into Toys R Us

and get some red lightsabers out. Oh, God. That would have been great. Oh, God. I just loved that. I searched high and love for more information on this story. There's no backstory. It's just, you just get this brief insight into this weird event,

and that's it. It just starts swinging. Doesn't it? It's just the article just like, so there was a man swinging a lightsaber in Toys R Us, Right, and the police came. You know, it doesn't say he entered the store, he took one off, you know, there's none of that. It's just, that's what he was doing.

Yeah, I really wish there was a follow-up with some kind of, like, you know, reason why, what led him to this place. But no, it just, he just went crackers and started battering people. Amazing. A dad said, this is being blown out of proportion after kids found in trunk after Christmas parade. Oh, gosh. Oh, no. A Lancaster man was arrested Saturday evening after police say he drove a car with a stolen license plate, with a stolen license plate with four children in the trunk at the Lancaster Christmas parade. And he says the whole thing is being blown out of proportion.

There are only three kids in there. Hey, you come on. They like being in there. It's nice. I put towels down. It's comfortable. Benton walked over to police when they pulled him over and said the car belonged to his grandfather. Benton was placed under arrest when dispatchers confirmed that the tag was stolen.

While officers were arresting Benton, it's really hard not to say Benson here. Benton, it sounds like a dog's name, and all I'm picturing is that there was a dog driving the car. They keep saying, Jesus Christ. Benton was a very bad boy, and he spent the night in prison. While the officers were arresting Benton, the trunk to the Crown Victoria popped open and four children hopped out. being only 11 years old. Benton was then jailed overnight for the incident and says the whole thing's been blown out of proportion.

I've always taken care of my kids, he says. That's evident by your actions. Shoving another one into the boot. I take as much care of my kids as I do my spare tire, and that's a lot. The seatbelts weren't working in the car, so it's really the safest space for them. Is that what he said?

No, that's not what he said. Anybody knows me, knows I've, always taken care of my children, Benton said. The way they worded it, it's as if they were hog-tide, bound, and forced to be in there. No one was forced. It wasn't like I left them in there for eight hours while I went into Walmart in 100-degree heat and dying back there. On Monday afternoon, Benton told the news station that he is a good church-going guy

who would never do anything to intentionally hurt his children, only accidentally. He told the news station's reporter that he was leaving the parade with more people than could fit in the car, and that's when his son, 14 years old, said that he could crawl into the trunk and ride there for the five-minute trip home. So it's quite unlucky he got caught because that is quite quite a small time for him to get caught. It's just like the worst possible time. I've got four kids in the trunk. Whoops, he's five. I feel like taking care of is a poor choice of wording when like the mafia literally talk about taking care of people and then they put them in the trunk of their car. So, you know, there's a sort of double meaning there that

implies something a lot more sinister. It's not a good vision. You know, I'll take care of Joey the Snitch. And last one, I'm not going to go into detail on this, but it turns out there's been two instances of people being arrested for telling lies, and that lie is telling kids that Santa isn't real. Oh, wow. Oh. I think the first instance, I found one instance of it. I was like, I want to find some more information about this. And I was like, wait, this information doesn't match up. Oh, my God, there's two separate incidents that's happening. Wow.

The first one was, like, someone who was just drunk as hell, who had managed to use hair gel to make his hair into horns. And he just, and he just raided this parade and start. Is this Keith Flint? Can I be? Just imagine this horned man turning up, Santa isn't real.

Oh, he's a heathen. It doesn't exist. The fire stand. There was a 24-year-old man who just, while incredibly drunk, crashed into an annual Santa Claus parade and just shouted Santa Isn't Real at shocked children. And there was another one. I think it was protesters. We're outside a church in Dallas, Texas, and they just burst in and started screaming Santa isn't real.

So one of them got arrested for trespassing. I don't think the church is likely to be offended by someone burst. It's like you're better off bursting in and saying Jesus isn't real if you want to cause a scene. Like, what a weird thing to do? Santa's not real, Christians. Get him. Oh, you got him, got him. There you go.

There's a little bit of Christmas crime to get us all in the festive. It's so festive. Thank you, Michael. That's all right. Would you like one final question? Yes. Before we hear our best joke of the year. Can't wait for that.

pardon me that's not a question that's just me getting getting out callum james straw at cj straw 93 on twitter this is looping back to the beginning of the podcast what would a brian butterfield christmas look like to detail everything from food available to tree and house decorations to christmas traditions to christmas presents merry christmas lads and enjoy your socially distant distanced 50p bum game peter

oh yeah well we will we'll have to bring our own 50p I guess. Oh, of course, yes. Wrap them in cling film. Food-wise, for Brian Butterfield's Christmas, unfortunately, Christmas this year falls on a Friday, so...

Oh, no! It will be a toasted cornflake. Oh, there will be a square of low-fat turkey breast, though. That's true. Doesn't you get ice cubes with artificial sweetener today as well? Yeah. Oh, of course. On fact, in this day, you get two ice cubes as a special treat.

Yeah. Oh, my God. There's any fun parlor games of Brian, Butterfield's playing. Well, he's got the sports restaurant, hasn't he? And the warehouse as well. Actually, I'll play

how fast can you fix the menu? Just a tip X and a marker and you've got to go through all his menus and update them with the correct prices. Yeah. Does he do charades at some point in one of his videos? I feel like he does.

But maybe, oh, I guess I'm just thinking of the dressing up that he does as the private eye. So he could do like hat-based charades or something. Yeah. Oh my God, wait, hold on. There's already a Brian Butterfield Christmas.

Oh, God. This is already a thing. There's the video, yeah, but that's his Christmas meal. Is that what we're talking? He does the Butterfield Christmas Pisa? No, this is Christmas with Brian Butterfield, and there's several parts to it. Oh, wow. Is this all the part which is the Butter Tendo, or is that a different one?

Oh, this is, okay, the part one does have the Christmas pizza with Belgian Sproul minnie mince pies. Mini mince pies. Chocolate currency. Chocolate currency. Is he got the clown nose fruit on there? Clown-nose fish or whatever it's called? Oh, where is it?

Orange fish flesh. That's the one. What's the crown-nose? Clown-nose fruit is cherries. Yeah, that's the one. Heberdi and eggs. Hebriderian eggs, thank you. Bread and ham deltoids.

There's some good stuff on the pizzer. Shit, I hadn't seen that one. God, oh, yeah, this is all taking place on a pizza. That is amazing. Grandma Butterfield's Christmas pizza. Maybe that's where I've seen the charades. I'm sure he's done a little charades gag before. All I'm basing that on is I feel like I've heard him so charades before, but maybe not.

I don't know. Oh, hold on. I'm just skimming through now. I'm just ripping straight from the sauce here. Yeah. I think everyone that is, that receives gifts from him that day will be things taken from his office, hastily wrapped in A4 printer paper. Yeah.

Yeah. Solotope spindle. Oh, God. What else? A new belt. He gets a new belt. Let's see it. Let's give Brian Votefield the thing he so desperately is.

He may need to ask for a new belt. And the menus that haven't been delivered yet. Maybe we can... Oh, there we go. They're finally delivered. Maybe we can get that sorted too. could we get some hosting as well for his website because it's a 404 on the

on the ad it is anyway his URL one is functional dot co dot UK is that still a no that's not a website what was his what's Brian Butterfield's full website from the you mean the real one yeah the real Butterfield website

the real one double double you after that's all hazy it is it is um okay it's Peter Serafino which com forward slash Brian hyphen Butterfield and it's just a so so good hang on let me post it sickeningly colourful it's incredible like it's everything that you would expect Brian Butterfield's

it says insert page title here um it's brilliant the Butterfield celebrity look-alike agency Butterfield Dairies taste the flavor oh god someone put a lot of work into this I hope it was Peter himself BHS Library Other things you may enjoy Here is my favourite video of Rick Astley's singing I am never going to give you up Do you require an aromatherapy

or massage in the Hampchester slash Dorsetshire area It says at the bottom And there's nothing It says please telephone us on And then if you click it It goes to Butterfield Onlines Email me please

and his email address is Brian Butterfield's email address at Gmail.com It says to contact me full stop I am waiting for your call 24 hours a day comma and then in bold

please we should give him an email just wish him a Merry Christmas at least Oh he's got a tab on the side called Brie Tunes Oh my god Oh my god this is a dense website He's got a Christmas

He's got a Christmas album it doesn't look like it's real but I think we should listen to this in our Brian Butterfield Christmas it's called Brian Butterfield Xmas at Christmas and the songs that included are angels I have heard on cassette

the four days of Christmas Holly plus Ivy equals Xmas It says Xquals that's actually And then the next one is Introduction and then gentlemen Rest ye merry God

Zeus battles the Hydra and more Xmas yeah can't wait for more exquisite it's such a what a website what a website

don't make him like they used to do no I'll take a screenshot of that and put it in the link down brilliant

oh dear it's so good what a guy what a guy I think I think Brian Butlerfield summed up

the perfect Christmas himself a lovely lovely CD of his own songs the menus he finally

longed for a belt perfect Perfect. We've got it all sorted. Christmas pizzer. Thanks. Thanks, Brian, but I feel, for doing the work for us. There's a tab called Meet the Team, which just has photos of, like, stock photos with Brian's face on it.

And there's one where he's put his face onto a man who's being kissed by a woman. And the caption is, wait, what, no, but how did this photograph get it here? You are not supposed to see this one. Laughter, exclamation mark. Oh, God. Excellent. Well, is that all the questions and jokes, Mikey?

Oh, there's one last joke. Are you ready for what I think is the number one cracker joke of the... Is it what you think is the number one cracker joke, or just what they... Do you agree with them? Well, I'm not sure what the order is here. It says top 10, and this is number one. So I'm going to assume it is the best, because it starts at number one, then goes down to number 10, and they open the website.

But this is the one that says number one. it. What is Dominic Cummings' favourite Christmas song? Oh, hang on, let's think about this. Driving blind for Christmas or something? Driving. Oh, yeah. Driving, yeah. Not even as creative as that.

Just driving home for Christmas. Really? That's the best joke. That's it. That's the best one, huh? And that's the last joke you'll hear on Pottets for the year. Jesus, fuck. God. I'm glad to go out in style. Unbelievable. This was apparently voted on by

2,000 people. 2,000 idiots. So it's not even just like one person who has a slightly off sense of humor. This is 2,000 people, which trusts, once again, you can't trust people. Awful. Yeah.

Absolutely awful. That's right. Well, that's our show. Mary Crembles, everybody. If you would like to buy yourself a little bit of merchandise, you can go to store.orgscast.com. Isn't that right, Mikey?

Oh, you're absolutely bloody right. If you head to store. Dot yogscast.com and you head over to the little vidiots section, you'll find a wonderful selection of t-shirts, hoodie, mugs. Ooh, hood, a hoodie. And there's all sorts of lovely designs on offer. My favourite is the Podiat's Legends t-shirt. I think it's brilliant.

And if you think it's brilliant too, and you want it on your torso bit as well, you can add it at checkout and use code Vidiates at checkout for 10% off, not just that very t-shirt, but everything on the Yogscast store. So if you treat yourself this Christmas season head on over to store.orgascast.com and use code vidiates for 10% off absolutely everything.

Fordobado. YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, all.com forward slash vidiots. Vidietts official. Also, Twitch.tv. TV forward slash vidiots official. We're doing some streams over there. Mikey's still streaming regularly.

I did a big old stream. the other week. Thank you so much to everybody who came along. Unbelievable generosity shown there. We managed to raise 1,562 pounds 70 for Alzheimer's Research UK. Absolutely insane. Thank you all. What a wonderful bunch of squadlets and squadrons out there that you all are. So thank you, big thank you for that. And I'm sure Mikey will be continuing to stream across Christmas, I'd do you? Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, I'm going to have a lot of. time off, and I'm going to fill that with screaming into the void online for everyone to enjoy. Fantastic.

Speaking of screaming into the void, this segue doesn't make any sense. Streamlabs.com forward slash potty. It's donations. If you donate three pounds or more, you get a shout out at the beginning. And the end of the show. Once again, here is your Christmas Pod Squad, the final Pod Squad of 2020. Trying to get first the generous Tommy the Whank Engine. Gravy Yoda

Santa cocking my Xmas stocking Like a Christmas miracle 13 Inc Alan claw Thank you for the generous donation Citadel zombies British chippy

And an incredibly generous A very stingy Stingy Sorry A very No I've done it again Chigley Sarat all over again A very stingy Scroogeworth

Thank you Thank you Katie Kins Solo Who was just as just as generous Merry Mercenary prostitute specky-becky, Scooby-Drew,

Trunter's tinsel titties, bon-bon-bon-bon- Jojovi, thank you for a generous donation, and further thanks extended to

actual Father Christmas, Mary Chrysler, boys and girls, Merry Xmas fuckers and Stuart Potter 96. Also the very generous

Ho-ho-ho-ho-Mily lemons, Boba-Fitte, Merry Bopismas, one and all, Stukalicious has a new job You're a mean one, Mr Black Very generous Samuel de Barber, thank you very much indeed Chav Chav Ramirez

Awesome Fox 42, who is very generous Arce Face but festive Mikey flies into what culture Help, I'm stuck in your lift Otto Kano, who is very generous, thank you Butterfield Expo Special Lord Broho Hotevich Spread Cheeks slap balls

who was very generous as well, Stephen Scots, who was also very generous, and Avagadro Toast Eleven. And finally, we have Jonesy, who is very generous, thank you. Peter stretched my bumhole. Willem DeFomis, Willem DeFomis, everyone. Freddie Weber now loves rebels. Pond, ponolie.

Rudolph, the red-assed rent boy. Bon, bon, bon. He was very generous, thank you very much. The official pity, it's Vodcast, Coultholic crossover for episode 50, Jogson the Coke-nosed reindeer, Easter Bunny made me a furry, very generous Prince Beefcakes. Thank you, Prince Beefcase.

Donna the Rain Deak 07, thank you. Mrs. Machoni, slash Makoni, thank you very much. Fin Tristam. Finristum, do-do-do-do-do-do. Not a boy or a girl, but an other emotional support donation. Prince Beefcakes, Taiwan Mun, hasty seasonal diatribe, and Mr. Macca. Thank you so much, everybody. Once again, that's streamlabs.com, 4 slash poddiots donations, £3 or more. more. Thank you. You're all absolutely incredible. Mikey.

Thank you to everyone who donated this year. Yeah, thank you very much. You're all absolutely incredible. And it's very nice to have you all still supporting us and still listening to this absolute tripe. 100%. I couldn't have put it better myself. In fact, I'll update the podcast listing so that that's the description now. Mikey, where can people find you? They can find me at Paraboy on Twitter. That's where I post. the things I do be doing on the internet, mostly at the minute, it's just, hey, I'm streaming.

So if you want to stay up to date with that, at Pariboy on Twitter. And Peter, where can people find us? We're on Twitter at That Peter Austin and at Confused underscore Dude, but we're also working together as a team to produce stuff over at Triple Jump. We're team Triple Jump on Facebook and Twitter, but also more importantly on YouTube and Twitch. And we're doing lots of content there, some Christmassy stuff. but it's all video game related and it has some sort of

idiot stuff there too Excellent Finally leave us an iTunes review or a review slash rating on your platform of choice it helps something to do with Al Gore's rhythms Merry Christmas everyone Hope you're all safe and happy

and doing what you can while also being responsible and especially just look after yourselves and other people please. Yeah. Make sure you do that. What is the final question as we

say goodbye and ease wonderfully like into a nice warm bath into Peter's amazing song once more. Oh, it's a big biggie. Maybe we should, in a sort of masturbatory fashion, maybe we should ask people to tell us what their favourite thing or moment or, you know, poddietz. What was their potty at's highlight of 2020? That'll do. I like the sound of that. That'll be lovely.

Right, we're going to go now and have a Christmas time and we'll see you. at the beginning of 2021. Make sure you follow us on all our social medias and we'll let you know when we're coming back. It won't be too late in January, though, I wouldn't have thought. So we'll see you all soon. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry co, ho, ho!

Bye-bye! Weird pod squad names, London's Lorraine, Michael Juxan, not the onion, gulls eating dogs, Cheggers is not go, skeleton, Naruto, Erdin, the joke, song about Stoke, See is meal, succulent meal, tournament time, cow on the line, get free v bugs, Dave eating tucks, Darwin awards, Bin Laden's horse, Uncle Fatty, Mr. Bloppy, erotic arc, chocolate grandma, McNuggy cake, frozen meat face, my lowest purging, grape coon is flooding, wiki is weird, curves disappeared, merry, merry, merry, merry, merry, merry potiots, bed flattens arm, furry, ferned, rosy and gym, high ever then, Bridge leaking gas, Yoda in Mash, Mikey's dog rap, mental health apps, conspiracies, Hoover stories,

German robots, school for parrots, piss in Ben's bed, Fisog is dead, Jeff the Mongoos, Noel Edmondsu, Psycho Seagull, Bade in Death Hall, We don't want your comments be tall, Penn Franklin's parts, rip memory cards, bio to big snorts sold at Wix, Medial Killers, Co-Corilla shred is review, boy does long brew, many, many, many, Merry, Merry, Merry Podiat! Merry, Merry, Merry, Merry Podgets Florida Man, Bad Zombie Plans, Dave shows for stuff, Linear Puffs, Audience Poll on Toilet Roll, After Nazis, Babaloonie,

Harkimmy Sing, Pottiet's Things, Now It's the End, Please Tell Your Friends