Podiots - Podiots: Episode 68 - John Willyman

Episode Date: January 12, 2021

Ben & Peter discuss an extraordinary member and Mikey's making crisps fight   Donate £3 or more to get a shoutout and join the Pod Squad! - https://streamlabs.com/podiotsdonations/ New merch:��http://smarturl.it/Podiots Twitch: Twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord:  http://bit.ly/VidiotsDiscord   Ben and Peter's channel 'TripleJump': https://www.youtube.com/teamtriplejump   Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Seriously? I was joking, but I was... I went to check in her the other day, and unfortunately she's been wiped from the platform, which I think is a disgrace. We're going to storm the capital and get her back. The capital of what? Twitter. Just the capital T.

Twitter. All right. The thing is, do you think this means, so Donald Trump obviously had his own personal Twitter account suspended. Then when he tried to tweet from at POTUS, like the official POTUS account, they were like deleting those tweets. They've not like properly suspended the account, I don't think,

because it gets passed on. but does that mean they've you know so they're trying to stop him on all of his channels on Twitter have they also deleted Lorraine from the London area because it turns out oh my God the man behind Lorraine all along

was Donald himself this conspiracy runs really really deep doesn't it oh my God I'll have to research us a bit more I'm sure there's a I'm sure I can find many many tangible connections between Lorraine and Trump mainly an affliction for

the YogCon but that's not all that's not the worst news of 2021 I don't know how to say this but Bobby Babyloni's website is now completely offline Oh my God I thought you were going to say she died

This is worse arguably Her work is gone forever Because She ran her website on Flash Oh no No Bobby Bobby what the fuck Bobby

all of the videos the VCU's dropping like flies we've got cherish everything while you can we don't have long with them really like two weeks in fuck surely is it on is it on like the way back machine

can we visit it through the power of the internet you know oh that's a good point I didn't try and dig any further I just saw like an error 404 and I was too busy crying to bother anything else I've just googled her because I thought maybe she's got a Twitter maybe she's got some way to communicate

There's a fake Twitter account that just says the description is having a party then pump it up with balloon creations by Babylonie. Awesome balloon animals and more twisted and more, awesome balloon animals and more no comma twisted to the amazement of your guests and there's two tweets

one is hi Evelyn it's Bobby Babylonie and the other one is a video which is her jingle that's it and it's got five followers and no profile photo so I don't think that's her. Oh, man. Well, at least we, I mean, we read it out. We read out most of it a couple of episodes ago.

So it's been preserved in audio form, if nothing else. But, you know, I miss Sponge Man and Red Spider-Hero. Spider-Bloak. One of my favorites. Past week. Shit. That's so weird. I'm sorry for opening everything on a Dow.

how we'll move on from this, to be honest. It's a hit. I'm desperately trying to find her. I'm trying to track her down. I've just searched Bobby Babylonie with the search results being the past week. Only two hits on Google. One of them is from funnyjunk.com under funny pictures, and the title is, it's fucking working. And the description is added by Block Rocker at Bobby at Bobby Babylon. I don't know what that means. What does that mean? There's a Bobby Babylonini who's a chef at McDonald's in Ipswich, Well, that's what she's doing now because her website's been shut down. I've got no portfolio.

She's a chef at McDonald's. Maybe she's doing an amazing thing with chicken nuggets and the fries. Yeah, if you're having a part A, just call Babylonie. She'll get you 20 nugs and bring nuggets to you, yeah. It's a pretty good, pretty good tilt, though.

I'd take that. I think we could probably reconstruct the website because I think through WhatsApp and Discord, we've sent each of the most of the screenshots from that website. So that'll be my new project. This is what you're going to be working on in like 3 a.m. What was her website again?

Oh, it's like Babyloni World. Oh, God. Babyloni.com. Babyloni.com. Is it two Bs in Babylonie or one? It's one B. One B. Okay, let's have a look.

Way back machine. Don't let us down. Please. This is an important. We've got a lot of hits. We've got a lot of hits. Yeah. Some from the end of 2020, 7th of December.

There's a snapshot. I'm loading it. It's thinking about it. I wonder if it'll be able to sort of estimate or approximate Flash. Yeah, it's here. We got it. Really? Oh, fantastic.

Okay, well, we need to save this while we can. So Wave Back Machine has clearly implemented something that allows it to get around. The fact that Flash isn't supported. It doesn't work fundamentally because it says Adobe Flash player is blocked. But it is there. Sort of Error loading Twisted creations

That's what we really want To still be around Can Oh no The image Collection of the Twisted creations Does not load

Oh fuck Oh no Oh I fucking hate This year Wow I didn't Never realise there was a guest book Actually Oh no I didn't either

What are her rates too I don't think we looked at those Oh my god Bobby was absolutely wonderful all the way leading up to the day of my twin daughter's birthday party. She's professional, kind, talented, and most importantly, the children and parents loved her and her beautiful balloon designs. Aw.

Do you reckon she's still, like, active, you know, she's still working? Because this was all copyrighted in 2018, according to the website, and I don't know if she's, like, still doing balloon animals and stuff. There's an email and her phone number there. Oh, my God. What I'm wondering is if she would, if she, because it's quite clear that we are sort of ironically big fans of her, you know,

we love her, but if we were to, say, contact her and say, hey, would you do like a Zoom session for us and maybe do some balloon animals over Zoom, how much would that cost? Do you reckon she would see right through that and think, no, because these guys are just taking the piss out of my craft? Or do you reckon she would be in on it and think, actually, yeah, this would be really fun, and I'll make some money off it at the same time. I think that's a brilliant idea. I like to think she'd just be like, oh, it's been horrible. This is, with COVID and everything.

It's nice to have some work. Let's do a virtual balloon session. Yeah. Could we get her on like a vidiates stream or something and just have her make some balloon animals for us? That sounds great. I really love this comment from September 26th, 2016. I love the balloons that Bobby, and then in brackets it says,

Babaloonie. made at my daughter's birthday party. Her creations are so good and the kids just loved watching her make them. I can't wait to have another party and have Babylonie come to put smiles on the kids' faces again. Oh. Oh, no.

Jillian said at June 8th, 2012, my daughter's party is on Saturday, June 23rd at 2pm, and we would love to have you there. I hope that request went answered. These are all from 26. There's only one from 2018 on this guest book. There are pages and pages, but they were largely,

recently from 2016. It looks like we could have just signed the guest book, like at any point, apart from the fact that apparently the capture version she was using was also shutting down. I like the fact that her email is Babylonie won at. Because the original Babylonian was already taken by, you know, Bobbitt Babylonie.

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, man. Well, my day's ruined. Thanks, Mike. cool. Yeah, what are we to start the year? Jeez. Nice one, son's crying.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to Poddiet's the official. Official. Midiates podcast. It's a conversational podcast where we take some questions from you at home and obey the law of the three us, where everybody brings a thing alone to talk about. I'm Ben. I'm Peter. And I'm Michael.

We made it to the new year, boys. We are here. It's happening. This is, let's see, 2018, 2019. This is year four. We're coming into year four of Poddietz now. Really? Oh my God.

I never thought about it. Oh my God, that's a terrifying number. It's not yet the third anniversary of Poddietz, but it is the fourth year. Enter the fourth year of it. Yeah. Yeah. So what a, what,

time to be alive. Welcome to lockdown three everybody. We will be your your chaperones through this weird continuation of a weird time. But we cannot be held responsible for what happens to you if you shut yourself in your house for several weeks or months and listen to nothing but potty. Yes. Goodness knows what will come out of the other side. It'll be beautiful. Could be awful. Who knows? Find out. Absolutely. Absolutely. And so this is a sort of of question and answer podcast. If you're tuning in for the first time, I feel like this is the first time I've ever done that,

sort of given a synopsis of what we actually do here. We talk about weird things we found on the internet. And we take some questions from people about bizarre and surreal things. And as I said, yeah, each of us brings one thing to the podcast to sort of show and tell and talk about each episode. If you wanted to support the strange and wonderful things

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and the kind words. And we continue with stressed fox 42 Prince beef cakes. Oh, Brut, um, Bro,

go on. Brut, Brut, um, Yeah, Spell it out. Spell it out. Bruch's essentialist.

Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Nailed it. It took five goes, but yeah. Chav Chavreememez. Mr.

Black, but in 2021. K. Dui? Cy Jules Giller 3 pounds for fame Emily Lemons and the generous Rye Moose

who says This is my first time donating And it's a long time overdue Your content is consistently amazing And I've listened to all your podcasts Over and over Keep up the great work in 2021 Thank you very much

The list continues With tiny Peter Big penis That was probably just me Donating there Redweth Lord Brotovitch Speckybecky

ass face Stephen Scodes Anakin Thighgorker the very generous Willem de Evolving who said Ah ha ha yes it was me all along Not DPB

But long time fan An avid listener Andrew Stinson As the new year begins It's time for old Willem To draw to a close If you would like to suggest A New Celeb whose name

I can torment you with I'm open to suggestions. Thank you, Andrew, for all the Willem donations over the past year. They were truly horrifying. We need someone who's not going to get scandaled or cancelled over the course of this year, ideally, don't we? Yeah, cancelled ending. I'd have to think.

Shit. Who we got? I can carry on while you have a think, if you like. Yeah, okay, go for it. The list continues with, I just want Peter to say cunt. Okay. Please scream Freddy Weber. Oh, I think they want me to scream it because it's in little hyphins.

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Mr Macca and bish bash Hieronymus Bosch How do we feel about like Recycling Keith Chegwin Yeah Chegwin would be good Let's bring back Cheggs We could like go outside of that circle

And maybe like Adopt one of the you know, one of the young actors that all the kids like bringing in some new listeners like Channing Tatum. Yeah. Chris Pratt, he's big, isn't he? Chris Pratt, yeah. Shit, there's got to be...

I like the idea of doing Keith Cheggwin, but after every pun name that they submit, in brackets, it has to say, RIP. Yeah, RIP for Chekling. There we go. A hyphen, also known from Naked Jungle, and that's it at the end of every single one. The final batch of Pod Squad for this week

is what the fucks a noob sack Alan please bring back memory cards Big Titty Jesus 42 Jack without the sea Ben fucks a Sammas mouse pad Skips are best Mikey is wrong Richard slaps back

My Ben is hurt Trans rights who was very generous Instead wasn't able to donate for the Christmas episode but still wanted to share my love with you lovely boys Thank you for the hours of entertainment you provide And I hope 2021 brings good things to you three Thank you very much And finally, we have.

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For this week, thank you so much Remember, streamlabs.com forward slash potty at stoned nation Three pounds or more Shout out at the beginning of the other Mikey's got the questions for this week Yeah Would you like one from Duncan Wilson

At DM Wilson 73 on the Twitter? I'll have got a dunking Wilson right here I'll DM you my Wilson Deep inside Oh yeah Saw Beauty in the Beast on Christmas telly So if you'd been working in the castle At the time of the curse

What household object do you think You'd have been transformed into? Oh man, that's a great question What's the rule? Is it something that you interact with often? Yeah, I can't remember the law of that film What was the lesson that was learned? I was hoping you'd do that

Because I'd never seen it So I assume it's just a random object Wait, no, but I literally don't even know What the characters are I know there's a teapot, there's a candle, there's a clock but I don't know if, you know, the clockmaster got turned into the clock and the candlelighter. Is the clockmaster a thing?

No, it's made up. You know, the tea master got turned in, or mistress, got turned into a teapot. I don't know if that's how it works or if it's just anything that happens to be in the castle. Maybe it's just something they worked with a lot slash cleaned a lot. Yeah. Yeah. What do you clean a lot in the house? I'd get turned into my own.

BOM. The noises you make wouldn't be any different, would they? Oh, God, you. As high brow as ever. It's really good, isn't it? 2021. We're nailing it. Absolutely nailing it.

Shit, I don't know, because everyone turned into really boring things. And I don't feel like there's anything really funny that we could turn into if we don't bend the rules slightly. I would just like to be... Oh, that'd be good. You got a guilty in anywhere? well in the castle maybe is it in our house in our own houses no no you're right if you'd been working in the castle at the time of the curse i was about to say a henry hoover well in which case sure that doesn't exist there god okay well what do they have in a castle henry hoover looks

like he's already he he's like someone who was working in the castle with a regular hoover and then the curse happened and he became henry that's one of the many henry's king of kings of England there. Yeah, it's the second one, wasn't it? There's a little king in every Henry. Aw. A royal suck. Oh, very...

With two Cs. Suck. Shit. So we're limiting ourselves to what would have been in the beauty and the beast castle, are we? Yeah. Period appropriate. I wouldn't mind getting turned into Emma Watson.

Oh. That'd be all right. A talented actress. absolutely someone who fights for rights and uh you know well well course corrected there yeah very honorable would you carry on her traditions or would you like to put her on a path of naughtiness i'd i'd um i'd certainly i mean i wouldn't stop saying hey everyone should have equal rights but maybe i'd also start campaigning for a reboot of the harry potter movies and say i should still be casting it as Hermione or as maybe a teacher or something so that I can make even more

money. There we can't. I think you should also start campaigning beyond the honourable stuff, not for dishonourable stuff, but just like just a couple of like really fucking weird things. Just weird stuff like hey. Just really weird things. I think they should do five chicken nuggets in a happy meal because then. You know what's so weird.

That is the exact same thing I was thinking. That is weird. That's very, that's one of the weirdest things. that's ever happened. Is that a sign that that's important then? Maybe. I don't know. I just thought what's the most mundane thing?

Ah yes, the number of mcnuggets. What the hell? That's really weird. I think I want to become a suit of armour in the castle so that I can almost be like a parasitic host of whichever body gets into me. I can use it to escape the castle and like I'll just take the whoever step,

set into this suit of armour on a wild ride across England as the rip and tear through villages. You'll just occasionally like open up the visor and their face will be inside saying please help me. I can't get out of here. I can't control myself. Stop him. Stop it. Eventually it's a spooky skeleton. Spooky skeleton rattling around in your in your metal shell. Yeah. And that's where the enemies come from in Skyrim. That's what a horrific horror spin-off of Beauty and the beast. Beauty and the beast. Oh dear.

It's the beauty and the beast based on something. It is right. Yeah, it's a French fairy tale. I was going to say, I thought it was France that it was set in. Oh, we're going for French items. Well, no, not necessarily. I was just wondering generally where it was set. I honestly, I don't know.

I don't know what I would be in the house. I'm having a little difficulty. What about a butter knife? And then you could be used to spread lovely hot warm butter on toast. that's something you'd be into or? I don't know. It's one of my life's aspirations. That would be used to spread butter. I don't know how I feel about that.

Actually, you know what? There is some wordplay looking at this Wikipedia article. So, Jerry Orbach played, of course, Lumiere, who is the kind-hearted but rebellious, French-accented matri-D of the Beast's Castle, who has been transformed into a candelabra, which is sort of like a morbid play on his name, I'm assuming. Oh, so he was called Lumierre. Before he became a candelabra. Yes.

Oh, okay. So I would probably be some kind of vase. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What would I be then? I'm trying to think what loosely sounds like my name. Egg beater, Austin. Maybe you'd be some kind of a surname, isn't it, specifically?

Some kind of tin flagam. A tin where you keep your ass. Yes, the arse tin. The arse tin. the arse it's like a metal thing where the toilet roll is kept it's funny because I started out saying

I'd turn into my own ass and now here I am saying that yeah I'd be a toilet roll holder Perfect I think we smashed that one didn't we Easy, easy, easy Do another one Another one, another one

Go on give us another one This one comes from Harvey Latham At Mr Latham 97 on Twitter if you could ride an animal like a horse but make them horse sized what animal would it be and where would you ride it to I'd make a cat size

a cat horse size and give it catnip so you know that cat's going to go be going to go going to be mental and I'd probably take it to Silverston race track and do laps Whoa Jesus what a journey That was that cat is going to kill you I'm just like taking it to a car race track

and not a horse race track I think that's great That's a good point might be the ultimate animal to ride I'm going to try and avoid the obvious ferret I don't think they'd be good to ride they'd just be so long if they were horse-sized they would be really really long wouldn't they

oh my god that should be like a limousine wouldn't it would everyone could get on the I'd like to ride on the back of a very very large horse-sized chimpanzee because it would be able to swing through trees while I was riding on its back I guess it would just be like King Kong except I'd be on its back instead of in its hand

yeah that'd be terrifying but I love it I'm here for it Prince Kong I'd love a giant swan to get around wow that's very fairy taley yeah I just just thought how royal would that be shitty the queen couldn't help but notice me at that point my Mike he's out about riding like my giant swan that's yeah that's it belongs to me

and there'd just be a massive battle for who owns the swans in England and obviously I'd win with my massive swan it'd be a golden era for swans across england swans rise up am i right yeah hashtag something didn't think of a hashtag before i said the word hashtag that's is embarrassing um so i'm thinking again i'm probably applying a bit too much logic to it and i'm trying to think of an animal that could be trained sufficiently enough that it wouldn't just kill you when it was bigger you know cat that's going to kill you chimpanzee peter that thing's going to rip you in half Oh, I know.

You can't get that thing trained. I'm there for the ride, that's all. The very short ride. Yeah. Where your legs get ripped from the rest of your body. So I'm thinking giant chicken. Now, is it a little inspired by a chocobo from Final Fantasy? Maybe.

But I know that those bad boys can run far, well, girls, really. Those bad girls can run fast. They can't really fly. They can sort of flutter a bit, which could provide a tactical advantage to get over, you know, all the fences that I'm front. frequently climbing. And, you know, they're simple creatures. They're stupid, but they won't hurt you, really.

Yeah. They will lay food, big food. Big food. Big old eggs. Imagine the eggs. And I just think, I want to put a little saddle on a big chicken and ride it. Mm-hmm. I like it.

I think, yeah, that's a beautiful idea. I'm just Googling chicken saddle. Oh, you can get them Because I've bought them for my aunt Who owns chickens Of course, that's where I'm You just sort of strap it round And then they run around

And they've got a little saddle on their back And everyone who walks past goes Ha ha I wonder who that's for Who that sounds for Oh, that's amazing I knew I heard it somewhere And of course

I'm just going to add A chicken saddle to the thread There be cool Have you seen the chicken arms You can buy as well Yeah, the chicken arms are great. They're doll arms with like a wire between them and they sort of slot over the back of the chicken

and they run around with little, stop clenching your fists. They run around with little fists. That's going in the thread as well. That's beautiful. It's kind of terrifying because it look like little chubby baby arms. They're like, what has God, what has God done? Oh, what's God done? God's great masterpiece.

It's peak performance is what that is. I'm just thinking. I would maybe quite like to have a, um, uh, a fox-sized horse and then I would ride on the back of the fox and then I would hunt down fox hunters on it. Oh, that is poetic. That's brilliant, yeah.

Such justice. I like that. And they're essentially big cats as well so they will just sort of like roll around with you on their back and crush you from time to time. Yeah, it would definitely, again, it would eat me for sure. But that's okay. You'd probably last longer than a chimp.

Yeah, probably a little longer. It would be a long drawn out death rather than being ripped in half immediately. Yeah, you'd be toyed with, yeah. That'd be nice. Yeah, that's the way I want to go. All right, should we start with a thing? Yes, why not?

Who would like to go first? Well, I've got a thing. Cool, dude. I would love to hear your thing. I'm a bit worried. Because there is a very good chance that you guys, at least one of you, if not both of you, has brought this thing along if you've seen it.

Oh, no, see, that puts the fear of God into me because I've had exactly the same thought about mine. It's going to happen. 16 episodes has finally happened. Yeah, I've got an article here from The Guardian. Denmark launches children's TV show about man with giant penis. Oh, no, it is that one. Oh, no!

Okay. So what? Have you got the Guardian? an article there? No, I've got a different article. Have you watched an episode? No, I did not dare. Okay, so right, I've watched an episode.

Maybe do you want to do the article and I'll talk about my first-hand experience with the penis show. Okay, it's a back-to-back thing here. Excellent. Brilliant. Pretend I didn't say anything. Read the headline again. Right. Denmark launches children's TV show about man,

with giant penis. What? Yeah. Beautiful. Critics condemn idea of animated series about a man who cannot control his penis, but others have backed it. This is according to Helen Russell at The Guardian. Here we go then.

John Dillamond, I'm assuming that's how it's pronounced, has an extraordinary penis. So extraordinary, in fact, that it can perform rescue operations, etch murals, hoisting hoist a flag, and even steal ice cream from children. No! The Danish equivalent of the BBC, DR, has a new... That's, okay, yeah, that's similar to the image that I've got, but not that. Wow, that's really something. He's playing...

Okay, I won't even say what... He's... So, is the new animated series aimed at four to eight-year-olds about John Dillamond, the man with the world's longest penis who overcomes hardships and challenges with his record-breaking genitals. What a write-up this is. Unsurprisingly, the series has provoked debate

about what good children's television should and should not contain. Since premiering on Saturday, opponents have condemned the idea of a man who cannot control his penis. Is this really the message we want to send to children while we are in the middle of a huge hashtag me

Wave wrote the Danish author Annalise Marstrand Jorgensen The show comes just months after the TV presenter Sophie Linda kickstarted Denmark's hashtag Me Too movement

Christian Gros an associate professor and gender researcher at Roskilde University said he believed the program's celebration of the power of male

genitalia could only set equality back it's perpetuating the standard the standard idea of a patriarchal society and normalizing locker room culture that has been used to excuse a lot of bad behavior from men. It's meant to be funny, so it's seen as harmless, but it's not, and we're teaching this to our kids.

Man. I did find this myself, and I did watch a bit of the episode, and it's just amazing hearing the severity of the tone, because essentially in the show, it's just an extra limb. It's not, it's not, it's not, it could be anything, it could be anything, I mean, obviously it's a penis because it's coming from between his legs, but still, it's just like an extra arm for the entire shoulder that can stretch and wind and bend and yeah, it's amazing hearing. It's going to have ramifications on the rest of the world. John Dilliman's fake cartoon penis. Yeah, I've skipped ahead a little bit from like various quotes of people saying this is terrible. Not that I'm saying it's not just absolutely insane, you know, but there's a lot of that. But now it says, look, look, The show depicts a man who is impulsive and not always in control, who makes mistakes like kids do. But crucially, Dillamond always makes it right. He takes accountability for his, he takes responsibility for his actions.

When a woman in the show tells him that he should keep his penis in his pants, for instance, he listens. Which is nice. He is accountable, says Earl, Highness and Hoistead, a clinical psychologist. This is interesting. Hoisted conceded the timing was poor and that a show about bodies might have A show about bodies might have considered depicting difference and diversity

beyond an oversized Dilla which is Danish slang for penis meaning Dillamond literally translates to penis man Wow But this is categorically not a show about sex she said To pretend it is projects adult ideas onto it So there you go that's uh it's the show it's complicated isn't it it is i mean the premise isn't complicated it's

it's it's downright bizarre but i think i do i do sort of echo those sentiments it does seem like poor timing and i do understand what these people are saying but at the same time you're right it's not he's not walking around and using his his his his his dilla for for sexual exploits at all It's just sort of a naughty friend who gets him in trouble. Like, comedic trouble, not really heinous trouble. Plus, it appears to be wrapped up in the material of his clothes. It's got like the same pattern on it. So it's not just a bare flesh penis.

You don't see the penis. You just see the shape of it. Are we the baddies for sexualizing John's Dillamond? I don't know. Well, I don't know how I feel about DR's response. That's the PBC equivalent. they've responded to the latest criticism by saying that it could just as easily have made a program

about a woman with no control over her vagina. Oh my God. And then the most important thing is that children enjoyed John Dillardman. Dillerman. Sorry. Oh, God. It's just very, it's a, oh, it's just, I just imagine this, these TV shows don't happen overnight.

This went through so many board meetings and tests and screenings. and it got to this point, which is kind of a miracle in itself. Yeah. It's something else. It is something else. It's a genuine, I watch some of it,

and it's genuine, really entertaining. It's a really charming show. It's so well made. The art style is beautiful. Yeah. It's just so weird that it's all juxtaposed with this long diller. It's beautiful.

Yeah. But, you know, It's unsurprising, I think, that Ben and I both saw this and decided, yes, potty it's. Yeah. With that being said, would you like to hear about the episode I watched? Oh, yes, please. I'd love to. I don't know why that image that I've just pasted in chat has come through like that when it was supposed to be like this.

Oh. It just turned into a guardian banner image. Yeah, that photo is actually relevant to the first episode. So I'm going to tell you all about that. So I actually want to thank Nathan Dean Brown for tweeting this to me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have seen this otherwise about John Dillamond. And this was a CNN article that he sent to me. And I was like, well, I feel like I've got to watch this.

And there is an episode on YouTube. They might all be on there, but there's an episode on there, and it has English subtitles as well. And it's all very innocent. He just sort of gets into hijinks, but it's just instead of like, you know, his own clumsiness, or mistakes that do it, it's sort of like a sentient Willie that gets him in trouble. It's all very innocent. It's just a sentient Willie getting him into trouble.

He's. Getting him in trouble. And as Peter said, yeah, Dilla is apparently, according to France 24 News, a fairly innocent Danish word for penis. So it might even be like Willie man. Willie man. Oh my God, that's even better. Wilson Man So based on my observation of this episode It's only like five minutes It's really like it's got a very distinct style And it's really pretty

It's sort of like stop motion with miniatures It's a bit like Postman Pat And it's not like Postman Pat in the way That it's animated and presented And it appears that the The Willie Has just sort of had It has a mind of its own

like it bribes dogs with sausages in the first episode and makes them chase a cat when John is just trying to walk the dogs and the Willie just sort of gets him in trouble when he doesn't want it to do that and it kind of acted you know what it reminded me of it was a bit like one of Dr. Octopus's arms from Spider-Man when he's trying to fight the suit yeah it's just completely independent

just an appendage that does whatever it wants It has a mind of its own. So anyway, this first five-minute episode, basically he's doing a barbecue and he accidentally burns some sausages on the grill at the start, which is a nightmare, obviously, and he has to go and get some more sausages. His mum said he's got to go get more sausages.

This is John Dillamond, the man with the big penis and the moustache who lives at home with his mum, not to read too much into that, but that's just the situation he's living with. And so he goes there, and he's asked to walk a dog on the way there, and he walks the dog,

then his Willie gets him in trouble and makes the dog chase a cat and so he then loses the dog he goes back with the sausages and maybe get anything slightly confused it was a very champ-packed episode you'll have to forgive me I wasn't expecting to have to go into this much detail

because I thought I was going to read the article as well but basically something happens and he ends up having to walk everyone's dogs and so he's walking everyone's dogs and I think he's obviously holding all the leads with his giant Willie and then the dogs escape

and he has to track the dogs down and so eventually it leads to him being in the bed of a flat bed truck which is driving along and his willie is squeaking a sausage which for some reason is the sausages he's gone to go and buy he squeaks the sausages with his willie and it attracts the dogs one by one

and one at a time they catch up with the sausage that's being held by his sausage and they bite the sauce sausage and it like does a close up of his face and he cries out in pain every time a dog bites his willy and he slowly lifts them onto the truck and he does that like six times as he lifts all the dogs on anyway he gets them all home and uh and i've got the translation of what he says there's still that peter's put up now on the on the feed which is him sort of

clenching and his willie is squeezing what looks like gasoline or kerosene or something onto the grill over his newly bought sausages. He says in Danish, oh no, you mustn't, Dilla, as it pours way too much gasoline on, which then subsequently blows up in his face and ruins that batch of sausages as well. So he is like in an abusive relationship with his own Diller. He's trapped. That's horrifying. It's pretty scary, really. it's quite upsetting Yeah, imagine if that happened to you But that's episode one of Dillamand

John Dillamond I should say You should go on YouTube and Google it Google it on YouTube I suppose that makes sense, doesn't it? Search for it on YouTube A lot of them have subs that you have to enable But they are there in English Sort of wonkily translated And yeah, oh no

I'm just looking now, I can't find a single full episode I don't know if they've all been taken down now Oh maybe One episode that's in reverse that someone's clearly put up there so that it will get past some kind of filter. The intro is available and there's lots of people reacting to

clips that have been cut together of it but I can no longer... Oh yeah, these are all from the past two days, aren't they? Yeah, maybe they did like a big purge because I watched it maybe Thursday or Wednesday. Oh, no. Head to Daily Motion, I guess, or something instead. Yeah.

When I read the Guardian article, there was actually a link like that took you directly to an episode hold on let me see if I can find it yeah there you go okay I've got I found it for you so you can enjoy this is from the official like the actual website where they air it as well

so it's an official link so they want people to go there and watch it I see you can just actually watch it there on their website okay so I'll put that in the thread just in case anyone should I put it in the thread yeah yes chuck it in there yeah because it's

It's an official link. Yeah, so there's his intro. There's him getting his Willie stuck to a bus and getting dragged along. He's dredging a washing machine out of the river. Because it is like, you can see that the models are made out of, you know, kind of plasticine or clay or whatever. But I think they've actually animated it by taking stills,

or some of the animation anyway, it's been taken like, they've taken images of, individual limbs, and then they just pivot those images of claymation model around certain points. It's kind of a blend of, yeah, like claymation, but also the kind of magazine cutout style animation you sometimes see where it's like bits of images all kind of pin together and moving. Yeah, it's a really unique combination of styles, isn't it? His eyes are completely separate. It kind of feels like something you'd happen to come across at 3.m. on a weird channel.

Yeah. Like some 90s animated show that never really got picked up anyway so now they bought it for cheap except it's daytime children's TV and yeah. There's a bit of me that just absolutely adores that. You read this description

and it sounds like it lives in the realm of like happy tree friends or something. You know, like there's happy tree friends about the adorable woodland creatures who brutally murder each other and there's also the man with the penis he can't control.

Yeah, exactly. It sounds just like a creepy pastor or something but it's real kids TV. Yeah, I'm sending you now. There's a picture of him with the dog latching on to his diller. And here is, here's his reaction each time. His eyes, his eyelids twitch and stuff is horrible. It's so awful.

John's Diller. He just sort of scream and grunts as he is watching it now. He's not happy about it at all. So there we are. That's John Dillamand in far more depth than I think either Peter or myself was expecting to talk about it today. No, a double helping of Diller there for everybody. I hope people found it educational. Well, I for one loved it, so I think we should do every episode.

We'll do a summary of another Jason Dilleman. This is the watch-along. We should do a watch-along Dillamand stream. Should do a spin-off podcast or a, yeah, or a stream. You just do episode reviews and audio commentaries. I'll find out what radio is in Danish, and we can call this episode Diller Radio or something. Oh, there we go.

Oh, brilliant. Thank you very much, both of you for that deep dive on John's Diller. Hopefully one day he's able to escape from its terrible, terrible rain. Oh, it's also radio. Oh, is it? Oh, well, there we go to Dilla Radio. Dilla Radio. Yeah, there you go.

The Dilla Villa? Dilla, like the house of Dilla? Yeah. Find out what house is. House. What's a house? What is house? Dilla Hoose.

Dillah Hoose. Lovely, perfect. It just sounds Geordy now. Dilla Hoose. Dula Hoose. Could we get Simon on and maybe just do like Diller with Miller or something? Dillard with Miller? Oh my God.

I'm Simon Diller. I have no control over my, no. want to get him in trouble. All right, let's move on to a thing, shall we, before we meet you, someone else. Nathaniel Barlam at Barlam Nathaniel on Twitter say, say, sorry, not say, they said more than one thing. They say hindsight is 2020, but now it's 2021, so you have super hindsight. Are there any goals you had for last year that you didn't accomplish that you are intent on achieving this year. Obviously, we made Ben fast. But what slipped through the cracks? I mean,

Ben, let's just talk about your resounding achievement at 2020. Yes. Just your fantastic improvement in speed in every aspect. Thank you. I really appreciate that. We're proud of you. Thank you. You used to be able to have sexual intercourse over a period of five to ten minutes. Now it's like two minutes. You know, you're a world record holder almost. I'm really impressed. Yeah. Well, the thing is i've been training for a long time and i honestly i couldn't have done it without um you know without either of you and all your encouragement because every week i'd get a i'd get a call from peter just saying hi ben um you know are you fast yeah go first and and i'd be like oh shit no i mean i am a little faster but not enough to really feel proud of myself and and you would always just

end the call by going hmm and then you'd hang up and i'd be like oh i feel like i need to to myself now. So it was sort of like good cop, bad cop, because then Mikey would be like, hey Ben, I'm really proud of you dude, you're just smashing it and just between two of, that's sort of the psychological abuse from both of you. I was able to really knuckle down and, you know,

get those sort of Olympic level results. It was a pre-planned pincea maneuver on the part of us to. It was masterful. And now with hindsight, being 2020, I can, you know, while I was struggling at the time with the two, with the two very distinct approaches from both you. I can see the results and see that it was worth it. And I'm stronger and faster for it. So

thank you both of you. That's the thing. Like week by week, you don't really notice a change. It's a gradual improvement. But if you looked at January 2020 versus December 2020, my God, it's December, you're just a blur. Yeah. It's, it's, it is, it is fantastic. And we're proud of you. Thanks, man. Thank you. Thank you. I guess we can expand this into what we want to do this year with with well this is relying on the heavy assumption that we're allowed to go outside this year yeah yeah yeah

I mean I'm supposed to be getting married this year maybe that's get Peter married 2021 yeah yes please let this happen let this happen so we need three headlines do we for this so get Peter married 2021 that's that's Peter's slogan Mikey what's your slogan

what do you want um shower every day get mikey clean yeah there we go clean up mickey's act you clean yeah michael are you clean yeah what about you ben i want to get slower peter yeah get slow it's too fast

too fast so make ben slower 2021 I'm a national threat a national security threat currently yeah absolutely all of those things will come together on my wedding day Michael will turn up smelling beautiful

I'll be at the front getting married and Ben will turn up halfway through the ceremony I'll just not be there because I'm still on my way yeah and we'll all shed a tear thinking he finally did it that beautiful bastard yeah well done to be clear I don't want to get too

slow I just want to get down to safe levels you know sort of like human I'm in superhuman levels currently and I want to get down to regular human levels yeah yeah absolutely Right, quite frankly, right now, you're ridiculous. Tesco shops are just, it's a nightmare.

They have to open the shop, especially for you. Yeah. So they can clean up the chaos you leave afterwards and it's getting a bit much. They have to clear the aisles. They have to just vacate, you know, they have to evacuate the premises before I arrive in case. Have either of you watched the boys? No, no. Okay.

I've watched supermarket sweep if that's anything else. Right, imagine supermarket sweep. Imagine the flash if he ran into a regular person. Oh. Yeah, it's just, it's that whenever I go to Tesco and that's not. I'm tired of it now. You know, there's a lot of legal issues with that. Six killed in man's quest for tinned pineapples.

I need those pineapples. I've got to get them pineapples. Would you like to hear my thing? Yes, fingers. I thought we'd start 2021 on another fight. Oh. A big tournament. It's a tournament time.

tournament time it's a tournament of crisps okay so someone who's donated didn't like your opinion on skips where's that come from did we do crisps hold on this is terrified me now did I don't think we did did we no because I was writing these down I was like I've definitely not talked about this

well just going to carry on I'm just going to be confident in the fact that I didn't do crisps already okay okay um yeah so skips apparently lots of people like skips Do you like skips? I like skips, yeah. I like skips, but I don't have to...

I don't choose to eat them, though. I don't dislike them. I've not skipped for years, but I do like... I just remember getting them as a child. It was always just the most disappointing thing, because it's barely a crisp. To me, crisp should have crunch. And I bought a bag of skipsy the other day just to remind myself,

do I actually hate crisps or I just misremembering? No, skips suck, because on the packet, they describe themselves as incredibly melty. And to me, that's not a crisp. And it is literally put them in the mouth and they just dissolve And there's no crunch There's no satisfaction It's terrible

And I want to see where they Well this is mainly just to find out Where skips lie on the in the pantheon of crisps But also I'm curious What is what is the ultimate crisp So a dose of like pre preempted Your thing today Wait which one was that

Well just the person who said About skips Oh of course Well this one's for you You paid your three quid you get some skips It's skips time I imagine you with your vendetta against skips is sort of like whenever you have them or whenever you had them

It was like that video where the raccoon tries to wash his candy floss Yeah You put the skip in your mouth and it's like it's gone It's just melted on my tongue where the hell is it What the hell? Yeah actually that's a brilliant way of putting it It's just my day is ruined and my disappointment is a magic Immeasurable

Have you boys ever had a communion wafer Oh yeah No no I was never lucky enough what are they like You went to Catholic school didn't you Ben Yeah like communion Wafers are kind of like skips, but even worse, and that they don't taste of prong, they taste of flour. The body of Christ. The body of Christ. Oh, I didn't include communion wafer's on the list, but we can assume they'd be topped here. If Tesco sold just small 30 grand bags of

communion wafers to have with your pack lunch, that would be amazing. Yeah, just plain, or maybe they could do flavored, they could do like a prawn cocktail flavored body of Christ. That would be really good, Delicious I'm saying If they If they do that If I can go to church And get a salt and vinegar

Body of Christ I'd be more tempted To do it I would have much preferred If you went up to the altar To receive the Eucharist And the vicar just put a skip On your tongue

He blesses you And just says Skips Walkers skips Skips Body of Christ Walker skips I just found

You can buy a community Wafers on Amazon, a box of $1,000 for $20. That's too much. Who's manufacturing the body of Christ like that? Come on. But a lot of people are buying it, apparently. There's 1,300 ratings. Are they like consecrated ones or not?

So because it starts, it's just quote unquote bread, even though it's not. It's just a flat white disc. And then a priest has to like put the Holy Spirit in it. And then it becomes the body of Christ. So I wonder what Amazon are selling there. Are they claiming that it's been blessed by a priest? and you can buy actual flesh of Jesus. You know, we're not going to talk about crisps for a minute.

Mikey, would you mind send me a link to that Amazon listing? Oh, yeah, of course, yeah, yeah. I think it's blessed it yourself, isn't it? You bless it on arrival. Because you don't want the blessing to expire in transit because it could be sat in the warehouse. B.I.Y. B.I.I.

B.I.I. I'm just, I wanted to look at who's selling this by Broadman Press, who also sell communion bread pack of 500, communion cup filler which is like it looks like a sort of a hamster feeder it's got communion wine in it I've found an amazing review underneath five stars

yum that's the biscuit of a carpenter and then it says my family use these Jesus biscuits to play eat 33 Jesus biscuits without drinking then we post the videos on YouTube there are three of us so we give the spare one to the cat Obviously, we can't give him a whole Jesus biscuit at once

or he would choke on the dry and tasteless treat. So it's useful that the manufacturer, presumably God, has chosen to pre-score the Jesus biscuits so they can be easily quartered. How thoughtful. Incredible. Incredible. This seller is very, very on brand. They sell, I think they're paperback books,

ancient heroes, Esther, David and Leaders of Israel, Moses, you can buy a pastor baptism robe, a pleated baptism robe, gloves, hymn board slide numbers you can also buy. Just like church suppliers, I guess. And a hymn board, yeah, there's all sorts. A lot of them are out of stock, though. That's a shame. Five stars, I can't believe it's not Jesus.

Oh, this is brilliant. I've never considered the fact to be like sellers on Amazon kit, exactly just solely towards your church boys people who operate in churches i don't know what they call church boys yeah the church boys i don't like the fact that the communion waifers have a publication date and an isbn number oh an isbn number oh no i mean they do taste like paper so i mean maybe they are just from a book and they've been sliced up um you can get square gluten-free ones look oh sick there you go everyone's cater to no one's left out of the flesh of jesus Anyway, number one, crisp, the body of Christ.

Body of Christ is number one. Can't, can't. I'm just, I can't get the picture of a, of a priest sliding a skip onto your tongue out of myself. Skip. Oh, dear. It just makes me laugh. It makes me smile thinking about, just to skip, just, there you go. It's much better with the thought of the priest putting it on your tongue as well.

Because you have the choice, Mikey. You might not be aware of this. You can kind of put your hands out and they'll put it in your hand, which is what I used to do. I don't want no priest putting something on my tongue. That's well gay, in it? That's proper gay. I'm joking, of course. But yeah, they can place it onto your tongue,

which is very strange. I don't know why anyone ever opted to go for that option. Yeah. It's the holiest method, Peter. Yeah, I guess you don't want to touch. Like a baby bird, body of Christ. Anyway, right, so we've decided that communion withers are, in fact, number one, nothing we other beat them. But I guess this is the battle for second place. Yeah.

So in front of me, I have got 16 varieties of crisp. And it's up to us to figure out which is the best. So a little bit of pretext. I've not gone for individual flavors because we'd be here all bloody day otherwise. I've just kind of gone for the master crisps. So like Doritos, walkers, etc. There's a few specialized crisps in there. But I think you can have to look at the crisps on the whole, every flavor, and maybe there's some good flavors, maybe there's some bad flavors, but we're going to have an overview of the crisps. Shall we start? Absolutely.

Yeah, let's do it. We start with Doritos versus Space Raiders. Now, Space Raiders, I think, I fear our American audience definitely don't know about. They're essentially corn snacks in the shape of little alien heads, and they're usually found in garages, and they're extremely cheap. a garage's petrol stations. Swimming pool vending machines is a way. Yes.

School discos. Yeah, it's like the ultimate discount snack. And I'm just going to say it. For me personally, I would choose a space radar over a Dorito every day of the week. Fuck. I wish that Space Raiders came in larger quantities because they are delicious and I love

them very much. I'm also very partial to Doritos though. Oh, Ben, you can buy big packets of space radios, though. can you really see i've never had the pleasure of a big packet of space of space raiders they're very nice but the thing is i don't get them often enough because they are that sort of rare they only exist in liminal spaces really you know places where the lights don't work that's where they sell space raiders yeah it's not good enough for tesco but they'll sell it in your local 24 hour corner shop you know

yeah um but they do taste good they're especially like the main flavor, because all brands of crisps have a main flavor, even though it's not always the same one, is the pickled onion ones, right? I'm a big fan of the tag. Oh, are you? Oh, yeah. I want my tongue to burn. Yeah.

And they're really good. Oh, I don't know. It's like, it's not a crisp you grab and, like, put in your lunchbox or whatever, but for me, it's like, it's a desirable crisp. But, I mean, I will attest that Doritos are bloody wonderful, and I'm a big fan of them. But I just, for some reason, in my heart, in my heart exists only Space Raiders. I mean, I just kind of feel like Doritos, they have such widespread appeal. And, you know, they're so famous and popular.

And you can dip them if you want to dip them. Or if you don't want to, you don't have to, like me. I really like even just the plain ones, lightly salted. I really like the chilly heat wave, like, red ones. Actually, that's, I went in the shop the other day. There is like 50 different flavors of Doritos now. It is incredible the range they've got. Yeah.

So it's no longer just cool original or all the other stuff. They've got like lime and guacamole. It's magic. On balance, I think I'm just going to have to say Doritos. Call me anormi, if you like. No, it's very understandable. And hey, I still love Space Raiders. And if I could like alter the heats in this tournament,

I would like get Space Raiders further along but still have Doritos win over it. but, you know, alas, I can't. All right, Ben, it's up to you. I mean, I'm currently looking at a £12.96, 36 pack box of Space Raiders pickled onion flavor on Amazon. And remembering how amazing these crisps are. Just looking at the packet, you can kind of taste it. I can already taste it.

I'm salivating a bit, thinking about it. I love Doritos. I think they're delicious. I play video games I'm contractually obliged to like Doritos but I feel like Doritos doesn't need my help they recently very

sort of pompously my brain is blanking on the correct word sort of ran an advert where they didn't even say their own name they were just like

you know what we are they sort of showed like the shape of the crisp and like we're that we're that crisp that so fucking good that you know what we are

and we don't even need to tell you what we are you can look at a triangle and notice us that's the Ritos so it's like part of me feels like I need to stand up

for Space Raiders and I'm gonna do it I'm fine with it if you want to do that oh my God I'll get behind you that's good with me right there we go

Space Raiders through Jesus Christ do you remember these I've never eaten or seen one of these in the wild but I've seen the packet before

Golden Wonder Transformer Snack. Oh my God, no, I've never seen that. What is that? Wait, what, really? Oh, Transformer snacks were a staple at my childhood corner shop. He used to get them all the time. You get like a chassis, and then you put hoops on the chassis, and it's all made of crisp, and then you eat the entire car.

No, I've never seen them in real life. Oh, magical. It's essentially a fancy toy version of Space Raiders. Oh, shit. I never had Golden Wonder. Oh, Golden Wonder. is a very good manufacturer. I don't, I don't think they only make one appearance on this list,

but Golden Wonder is, it's a great, it's an, like, Aldi-level brand, but just Marks and Spencer-level quality snack. To Golden Wonder make wheat crunchies? Yes, yes. I love wheat crunchies. The smoky bacon, wheat crunchies, are like, honestly one of my favorite crisps.

Oh, man. I'm very hungry now. I've got to go out and get some crisps. All right, the next round is Walker's. As in just every single walkers crisp under the sun. Right. For Americans and non-British people, that's Lays.

And skips. Oh. So you like skips, but they're just, they're not walkers, are they? No, they're not. It's, it, there's an inherent problem in this, and that I probably should have paired up the brands to brands and the individual crisps to individual crisps, shouldn't it be? Yeah.

I'm not realizing the floor of my method. Yeah, Doritas versus walkers would have been much harder to pick. that's true shit oh well they're all written down on paper now I can't undo it no it's fine it's fine

these are the rules I think honestly to me skips are a fine crisp but let down just by the the melty soggy nature of them because I like prone cocktail it's a nice flavour

I like a bit tang but just this is gone within seconds and it's upsetting the thing with skips is that I think they might do different flavours but I can't think

what they are I think the only one I can think of the prawn cocktail one and you know that's maybe that's that lets it down a bit oh let's that's have a quick set i've never seen another flavor of chris uh skips anywhere in shops i might be wrong but the do sizzling bacon and butterly oh sorry utterly cheesy butterly blue yeah there you go cheesy skips doesn't sound nice at all essentially a watts it isn't it yeah or a quaver it will be a quaver really oh quaver that's it yes you're right because that's very melty yeah i think it's got to be walkers over skips i do like prong cocktail skips but you know the versatility of walkers

kind of comes through yeah god i don't know i haven't had skips for ages skips are nice but yeah i also haven't had walkers for ages i don't really i don't really eat crisps and haven't for a long time but um yeah yeah probably walkers isn't it yeah it's got yeah walkers is such a wide It's wide brand that it's hard to say no, too. But will it beat the mighty Space Raiders. We'll find out later on. Unstopable. Okay, welcome to the cheese zone,

because it's Wattsitz versus mini-cheddars. Oh, no. And I want to know, where are the regular cheddars? I've never once seen just cheddars. Yeah, where are cheddars? I think you get them in, like, Biscuit selection packs for cheese. Oh, is that what it is? Probably. I have no idea.

Oh, all my life had been wondering, I'm like, where's the regular cheddars? They have done before, they have done like, I think share bag size mini cheddars that are bigger. I don't know if they actually change the name of it, if they just call it cheddars or Keith Cheddars. I'm waiting for them to just do cheddar,

and it's just one big sort of 30 centimetre disc. It's like a cylinder. It's not even sliced up. It's three inch thick. No, you have to carve off your own, your own cheddars. but it comes with a handy cross in the middle for dividing it up.

I think Wattsits are good but they're a bit of a mess. You know, you get powdery fingers and I'm not, some people really like having powdery fingers after crisps and licking them clean, but I don't like, I don't like residue

when I've had my crisps. I feel like for me mini-chairs are quite a decadent crisp because it is essentially a small cracker which adds to the fun for me. Yeah, it's why they're in such small packets, isn't it? I think Wattsis definitely has the more intense Hence cheese flavor, and I feel like it's a nicer flavor is what sits,

but Peter's right about the mess, and I'm a big fan of mini-cheddars anyway, so I'm going to go mini-cheddars. Yeah, me too. I'm going to go mini-cheddars as well. Well done, mini-cheddars. It's a resounding success of victory. Mini-cheddars. Okay, this is a pretty unfair round.

I know how this one's going to go. I just wrote these down in the order I wrote them down, and I didn't, because it's like three minutes before we start recording. I was like, oh, shit, need to get down. Pringles versus vegetable cream. Crisps. Oh, fuck see. The thing is, I really like those vegetable crisps.

Peter does like his potpourri crisps. I used to get them, do you remember at Vidiots? I used to go out and buy them with my meal deal. Yeah. I chose voluntarily to have the vegetable crisps over various other options. Well, Peter, I'm with you. I'm a massive proponent of vegetable crisps. I think they're beautiful.

They're so nice, especially the beetroot ones, the purple ones. Oh, yeah. Parsnip. Oh, yeah. Give me them sweet, sweet veg. And actually, I think even putting the side of the veggie crisps, I'm not just trying to defend veggie crisps here. I think Pringles are overrated, personally.

Absolutely, I'm in full agree with here. I fucking love Pringles. I don't even like the traditionally popular flavors either. I like salt and vinegar Pringles. Ooh. Yeah, I like salt and vinegar Pringles, but it just kind of bothers me that they look like what's, I mean, I know this happens to various other crisps too,

but Pringles have more obviously been mashed up into liquid potato and then molded back together into Pringle. Pringle shapes, whereas other crisps don't necessarily look like that's what's happened to them, even though it has actually happened to them, too. I swear to fucking God, if vegetable crisps win this round, I'm going to be so disappointed with you, too. I mean, you're currently two against one. You could try and persuade it otherwise, but I don't think I can, though, can I? Probably not.

They taste so good. I love Pringles. Pringles are just like the perfect snacking shape, and you get like a, yes, it's annoying to jam your hand into the slimy tube to pull them out. You get like a little stack of them, and you can just shove them. them in your mouth they're very satisfying to crunch they're sort of that is true they conform to the shape of your mouth kinder so that you can crunch it real good you can make a hilarious duck mouth with it what more do you want true what you can't do that with vegetable crisps can you because they're all natural and weirdly shaped you're right about the duck mouth but on the

other hand vegetable crisps i would say statistically have way more folded crisps than a normal pack of say walkers or anything else you get so many wish crisps yeah love the wish crisps i heard that bite through vegetable crisps are the number one cause of carbon emissions in the crisp industry did you have you thought about that uh yeah planet i want my parsnip crisps give me my green crisps i really want some veggie crisps now i'm going to have to vote for them because it's the one out of all the crisps we've talked about so far I want to eat them now the most. I'm just in my head picturing my Pringle's experience,

and it usually does involve me eating half a tube in one sitting, but throughout the entire process, just being upset and disappointed in myself. Because the flavour wasn't there, but I can't... They're right. Once you pop, you can't stop. Once you pop, I'm all right, actually, thanks. I will demolish them if they're in front of me,

but I don't think that's a vouch of confidence. What's that puff? tickle pickle pickle puff melts what are they and what's that finger doing to the skit there's so much wrong with this chris packet i don't know how michael posted it and didn't look at it properly i just saw tickle pickle i thought it was kind of fun okay i put this in the thread i didn't notice it's puff melt underneath you can't say that the picture of the of the tickling the pickleing going on there is absolutely disgusting skips tickle but hang on let me see if i can get a full photo of just the pack, Mikey. I can crop it down. Yeah, you might have to, actually.

There's almost nothing on it. That, God, it's curse packaging. Okay, good. Right. I like the fake ripples that they've added into the package.png there, where they're sort of all lumpy. Oh, God.

Look at this fucking, hang on. I'm getting all sorts of weird crisp flavors. I know Walker's has done some weird shit over the years, but look at that one. Oh, Builders Breakfast is. It's just a full English. Why have they called it built? Does it taste like tea as well?

Oh, God. Do you remember during... Cajian squirrel was good. Yeah, Cajian squirrel. I forgot about that. Cajun squirrel? What? Excuse me?

Yeah. I mean, it may have well just been called Cajian spice because it doesn't taste of anything squirrely, but... It's lovely God. Do you remember during... I don't know if it was F.A. Cup or World Cup or, you know, years ago now, like, late 90s maybe, they did

Salt and Linica and Michael Owen. Yeah, I remember Chees and Owen and Olinica. Oh, she's an Owen, sorry, not Michael O'N. Michael, Owen. Michael Onion. Yeah. Cheese and Owen. Oh, British culture.

Vanilla? No, they were vanilla. Oh, no. Ice cream? Oh, they've turned the monster into an ice cream packet behind him. He looks like Pizza the Hut from Spaceballs. Oh, God. No.

Right. Well, I'm sorry. saying that's a victory for veg crisp Yeah I'm fine Sorry I apologize to the Once you pop man That's great

Uncle money bags Hula Hoops versus McCoys They don't say man crisps anymore do they They're not allowed No That's rude

Woman crisps McCoys ribbed for his pleasure They're crinkle Crinkle crisps They're possibly The nicest crisp To crunch through I would say

It's a satisfying Christmas. I'm a big salt and vinegar fan, as people may have surmised from my flavour choices so far. And the salt and vinegar McCoys are so good with a sandwich. They are. In a sandwich? No, with a sandwich. Like alongside a sandwich. People do have crisp sandwiches sometimes and I don't get that at all.

Yeah, I've had a couple of crisps sandwiches in my time. I think it's a horrible blend of texture, soft bread and then a crunchy crisp inside. I don't like that. I do like a crisp sandwich, but I don't do it anymore. I haven't happened in a while but like crisp sandwiches for like a good couple of years were just a staple of my diet

and there was the best time of my life Mike you've ever heard of bread sandwiches yeah bread sarnies that's like a northern thing isn't it yeah is that way it's normal bread on the outside and toast in the inside or is it reversed right I've never had one but I went to uni with a guy from Sunderland

and he did it and he was like yeah it's amazing it can't be stop. Stop it. I'm glad the good people of Sunderland are creating such a good impression

outside of the North East. What, you go for your tea there? Bread, sandwich, just carbs on carbs on carbs. Toast and bread an extra 50s worth of toast.

At least you're seasoning it with salt and pepper. Yeah, it's very classy. Hulu Hoops, actually Hula Hoops are incredibly crunchy as well but they also have the extra benefit of being jewelry

if you feel like it. Yeah, you can do like horse noises with your hula hoops. And the thing is the thing I love about Hulips and I've always wanted to start a Twitter account for this or on Instagram or something is there's always one hula hoop in the packet

that is an absolute abomination. Like you can't even begin to work out how it came out like that. And there's always one in every packet and I wanted to start a gallery like Hula Hoop of the Week like worst looking hula hoop packet of the packet thing

Oh, I love that And there's always one really, really, really thin one as well Yeah, I think they do it on purpose. There is. Oh, dearie me. I'm... No, sorry, carry on. No, I was just going to say,

McCoy's generally have better flavour, but I feel like Hula Hoop's are a better overall experience. Novelty. Yeah. I think I may vote against you guys again, because while I have had Hula Hoops since, and I think they're fine, I think they're just fine and I have eaten hula hoops and there is a very real risk of them splintering and stabbing the roof of your mouth because they're weird shapes.

You know, when you bite through the hoop, you don't know which bit it's going to go where. And also when I was younger, I now know that I wrongly point the blame at hula hoops. But do you remember when they did mini hula hoops? Yeah. And you could buy a bucket of mini hula hoops. A bit of them. Yeah, a barbecue bucket. I got a packet for Christmas.

I just had the ready salted ones. And it sort of, it was the same time that I had a sort of stomach virus or something like that. And it was at Christmas. And I was really sick over Christmas. Like I was in bed and vomiting as a child during Christmas. And I associated that with hula hoops. And I swore off them for the longest, longest time. And I will eat them now, but I'm just, I don't like it.

Hulu Hoops. I would say to me, Hula Hoops are convenient. I used to sometimes have them at lunch because they would, they're small enough to fit inside a lunchbox without popping when you shut the lid. But in terms of best crisp, you know, I wouldn't have McCoy's every day, but they were like a luxury crisp for me and I would say McCoy's. I'm going to go for the same reason. McCoys, I think it's a better experience.

You wouldn't go for them, you wouldn't grab them. You wouldn't be like, oh, that's my go-to crisp. but when they're on offer, it's like, yeah, this is living, this is life. Nice. McCoys. Discos, which is a perfectly round crisp in a variety of flavors, good crunch, and frazzles, the bacon crisp. Oh, I've never had a disco in my life.

Have you not? Used to get frasles now and then when we were little. They're surprisingly very good crisp. They've got strong flavor, and it's just the fact that they are quite nearly perfectly round is a good novelty but Frazzles I'm a big fan of they're kind of like to me

what I would want a skip to be the crunchy, nice put some prone cocktail flavor on that I'd be happy but it's not going to melt exactly to fuck off your melt but I think frasels are my favourite I like frasles Ben I am

I'm not a fan of the artificial bacon flavour I will eat frazzles but I feel like especially with this round we're straying into territory where I don't have a lot of prior knowledge. Like Peter, I've never had a disco. I don't think I've ever had branded frazzles. I grew up with Tesco value crisps in my pet lunch.

So I didn't have a lot of these branded crisps until either I was older and could buy them myself or, you know, on special occasions, like visiting friends' houses and stuff. But I never had disco crisps. So I don't really have a horse in this race. I think one of the Frazzles' spin-off crisps, like the sort of Aldi version or wherever, was called rashers. Rashes. Dave used to say when he was talking about bacon, have a couple of rachers for breakfast. Rest in peace, Dave.

You know. Rest in peace, Dave. All crunchy bacon flavour crisps are kind of the same, even the discount versions. But you're right that the flavour, it can get tiresome, but I think at least for the first good few handfuls, it's pretty nice. You're just shoveling these rashers into your face. Yeah, I'd say frazzles, but only because I've not had discos. That's fair. Frazzles, you make it through.

Go frazzles. Right. We're almost there. We've got two left of the first round, and then we can smash through to the finale. Cool. Monster Munch and Snacker Jax. Monster Munch. Snacker Jax are just rice cakes with salt and vinegar on them.

I don't like him. I do like a snack. snack-a-jack, but only when I'm feeling guilty about snacking, and I want crisps. And you want to jack. If you want some vinegary air, the perfect snack. Yeah, they don't fill you up at all. And Monster Munch, ironically, falls foul of exactly the same issues we discounted what sits for in that they leave a mess everywhere, but they're so fucking delicious.

Yeah, Monson. This is a tough one for me, because I absolutely adore Monster Munch, but Snacker Jacks are my go-to, like, everyday crisp. like it'll be my snack but I do agree Monster Munch are the superior crisp And the last one of the first heat Is onion rings

Versus Twiglets Oh that's a tough one Oh Jesus It's tricky because twiglets are contentious So twiglets are marmite-covered Twigs They look exactly like twigs I mean literally

When when Mr Bean runs out of Twiglets on his New Year's Eve party, he chops up a twig and dips it in Marmite and serves it to his friends. So that's actually what they are. Yeah. I don't like Marmite. So I don't like twiglets. You know, I think they look, well, they don't look good. They look like twigs, but like, you know, they've got their own unique look to them.

But then I suppose, you know, onion rings, I know there's a few ring-shaped crisps, but not that many. so I don't know Twiglets you know they look like twigs they call them twiglets it's fun that's what they've got going for them

as far as I'm concerned I've only recently got into the Marmite world like in the last year I've started having it more I never used to like it as a kid and I think I had it like my mom gave it to me once

and I kind of discredit it for years I thought let's give it another goal and I'm a big fan of twiglets but I do find that by the end of the pack I would quite happily not eat twiglets again for a month

yeah I've had enough of that It's only legally You're only legally allowed to eat Twiglets over Christmas in New Year's That's the only time And you can And you can also only eat them out of those big tins

That they come in You're not allowed to buy the small They sell small packets But you're not allowed to buy them It's illegal You'll be arrested on the spot I did notice that in Artesco There was like the only crisp

That was being sold in a tin It was twiglets It's just I don't know I don't know what that says about them They're from the same family as mini-cheddars, right? I think they're made by the same company. Yes, yes. I love onion rings the fast food.

I really don't rate onion rings the crisp at all. And I am a big fan of Marmite, but twiglets, as you say, you know, you can, you have some. And then you're like, right, I could easily not eat these for a long time. And that's why I think they're the perfect. They're one of the only crisps. I think that they're maybe the only crisp that's associated with a particular time of year. And then they just stay quiet. And the brand survives until Christmas comes again.

And everyone goes out and buys the tins again. So it's twiglets for me, even though I don't want to sit. They're very moorish, but I don't want to sit there and eat them all day. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, you want more. But your body is literally telling you to stop. You're so dehydrated now. Yeah.

I think onion rings can be so incredibly hit and miss. I haven't gone for a particular brand here because I don't think, I think it's very much the supermarket makes your own brand one. That's the one you go for. I'm going to say twiglets as well. That's fine. I mean, I'm not exactly a defender of onion rings, but I just, because I don't like mom,

I can't vote for twiglets, so I would vote for onion rings, but I've only had onion rings a couple of times. So, yeah, fair enough. There we go. We got our first heat done. We're into some kind of final. I'll figure it out as I go.

it's Space Raiders versus walkers to me it's just walkers I know again a bit of a normie answer because you know it's just the basic crisp here

but so much so many flavors different varieties you get baked ones I feel like I have been unfair to walkers throughout this walkers are it's a good solid it's like the nation's most

favorite crisp for a reason it is it is dependable it's nice the consistent and you're right there is a variety in there uh the walkers baked ones i didn't even think about as part of the wider brand they're one of my favorite um they're really good if i'm getting a meal deal i get those slightly less unhealthy as well they're

really good however if someone pulled out like a packet of of ready salted or even salt and vinegar walkers and said do you want a packet of walkers or do you want a packet monster much i go oh go on give me a monster much i'll have a monster much that's the thing they're very very basic very every day yeah they're they're reliable and really good but if I because I don't eat crisps that often you know especially in sort of a traditional lunchtime capacity or whatever I'm going to pick the the more interesting crisp I think that's a good that's a good test imagine someone's putting the two bags in front you which one do you instinctively think yeah that's what I want right now that's true but then on the other hand I

think so I agree I would probably actually get the get the space raiders but on the other hand If someone said to me, we're getting rid of one of these forever, you know, you'd never be able to buy these again. I'd get rid of the Space Raiders and just eat, you know, because I think the world would suffer without Walkers. So it's tricky. Oh, I think I'm going to put my voting for Walkers to feel like there is such a variety. They are nice.

They are nice. I think because we're just so used to them, they are such a prominent crisp that we've kind of just blurred into nothingness. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to go walkers. Okay. I'm walkers overall. Oh.

Ben, just, just, your vote at this point does not matter. But what would you, what would you go on for? Give me those alien boys. Oh, well, I respect, I do sincerely respect that. Yeah, me too. Mini Cheddars versus vegetable crisps.

Oh, that is a, fuck. Mini Cheddars. Mini Cheddars. I think on balance, cheddars as well because you know you're right michael they're a sort of regal crisp they're quite you know they're a real special luxury treat also the one thing i should have said during the vegetable crisp debate is that they're actually not any healthier for you i believe that oh absolutely not like way more oil goes into them than word for a potato crisp so they don't have that over

you'd think they would at least be healthier but they're not well it's it's nice to have something that's not potato-based. Yeah. Goodbye, veg. Hello, mini-cheddars. McCoys versus frazzles. McCoys, easy. McCoys, McCoys.

That's not a hard one. Monster Munch versus Twiglets. Monster Munch. Monster Munch. I agree, hold-heartedly. Okay, semi-final time. Walkers versus Mini Cheddars. Warkers.

Mini Cheddars. Oh, shh. I don't think I've ever regret. I regretted eating a bag of mini-cheddars. Not online, I thought you would be saying when we started recording today. There's many things that I'd never thought I'd say, but that's definitely up there. I'm going to go many cheddars. The king.

I think this is almost a power move just to fuck over walkers and Gary Linnaker, but I'm going to say many Cheddaghs. Fucking Gary Linnaker, yeah, what a twat. Take that, Gary. Yeah, I tell you that, you're crisp man. All right, McCoys and Monster Munch. Oh, I still think McCoys. Again, if someone often be the choice of the two, I would have some salt and bidding of McCoy's over Monster Munch.

No, I'd go for the Monster Munch every day of the movie. I'm really split. I want both. Can I have both of them? Not how fights work, Ben. I have some Ridge-cut Monster Munch, please. Yeah, yeah. McCoys.

Ooh, okay. here. Mini Cheddars versus McCoys, the final, the ultimate crisp. McCoys. Really? Well, that's fine, I guess. There's been no debate. The last round was harder than this one. Mini Chedders cannot win crisp of the, or second place to the body of Christ,

crisp of the year, of all time, because they're barely even crisps. I mean, I've allowed it up to this point, but they're not actually crisps, if you, You think about it. They glorified coasters for mice. Yeah. They come in a bag in the crunchy. I class that as a crisp. Yeah, I like mini-chedd.

I think we did pretty well there. Yeah. No, I'm happy they got that far, to be honest. I have some honourable mentions, by the way. I'm just looking at a list of crisps just to remind myself. There's Terrells. Oh, yeah. They're very nice.

There's kettle chips. Chetle chips. Oh, kettle, I was going to put them on there, but I decided against it. Kettle's brilliant crisp. Pomb bears. yeah sweet crunchies love them

scrolling scampy fries is a brand oh knick knacks nicknacks as well I didn't want a pawns I don't like quivers quivers remember those quaver's a crap quaver quaver are weird so what do you say that Peter

chip sticks chip sticks yeah that's the next one I was going to say chip sticks they're very salty they're really good French fries also from walkers though I never like french fries No, they're not as good You're right

They're too long and too crunchy Yeah, too crunchy I agree Really crunchy Sensations Oh yeah Yeah Walker's Squares

Is apparently one That people like Oh yeah Squares are nice And that's it Those are the ones They're going down here Anyway

Wow thank you That's all right Next time you're in In your local supermarket And you If you've Somehow not had McCoys Give them a try

have voted our crisp of the year salt and vinegar ones especially I think that I'm so sorry I didn't expect that it takes so long I should have expected a heated discussion about crisps to be so in depth but it's fine well we had two things in one

before that so we've still I mean looking at the runtime we're only like a little bit longer than normal which is there we go it all worked out yeah would you like one final question absolutely let's do it Andrew Stinson 20 on Twitter.

I think this is a fitting way to end the podcast. If you had to choose between a day-old Tesco pre-cooked rotissory chicken or an old selection box where the chocolate doesn't taste quite right and is all crumbly as a hat for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Oh man, the curveball at the end there thought eating would be bad. That's a fucking hat, really? I was all ready to say rotissory chicken, but surely a selection box is not going to be less. of rot on your head.

Well, I'm assuming that the chicken stays in a permanent state of de-oldness for eternity. It's still meat. Okay. Animals are going to want. Yes. It's still going to look sillier than having a selection box. I mean, a selection box isn't going to look normal, but it's still, it's not food. The box itself, it's just a hat.

And if you live long enough, it may come into fashion. Yeah. Yeah, exactly, yeah. The only time that the rotissory chicken would look okay is around, Christmas time when people wear there's novelty turkey hats sometimes. And you'll get mulled by a bear or Peter's giant chimp before then anyway, because you're too delicious. Or an alternate situation for the chicken.

It could be a Mr. Bean cosplay as a turkey, but how horrifying is, sorry, I just sent a picture of it. It's so horrifying seeing Bean with a turkey on his head. And it's like the, the beheaded end as well, just the hole in the neck where its heads come off. It's really horrible. That's the thing. If you had to have a chicken stuck to your head for your whole life, I would wear Mr. Bean's brown suit and red tie as well for my whole life, so people would at least think I was in costume. Yeah, but yeah, I just think the Siegel attacks alone would make life unbearable. It'd be all over the mirror.

Also, as a vegetarian or a vegan, I don't think you'd like it very much, Mikey, having that no, it wouldn't be very nice, would it? Regardless of your stance on animals, I don't think it'd be a pleasant time. I think if you had to wear it to bed at night with your vegan girlfriend, she probably wouldn't be very pleased either. Yeah. Yeah, I'll take the slightly crumbly deal.

That'd be deal chocolate. Whatever, that's fine. Day old chocolate. What, like, fresh out of the fact chocolate lasts for ages. It would melt, though, in the summer. I suppose it would, but it's presumably in the tub, right? Yeah, maybe.

If you're better to tie your lasers, you just dunk a hot chocolate mess on the floor. And in the same way that the chicken doesn't rot, maybe after the hot day, the chocolate reverts back to normal again in the morning. Both of these are terrible fates, but one is far worse than the other. Yeah, I agree. So, chocolate box on the head? Chocolate hat. Thank you very much.

And that's your questions for today. Fantastic. Thank you so much, Michael, for sourcing the questions. And everyone who asked questions this week, of course, this podcast is fortnightly. So we'll be doing another episode in a couple of weeks' time. Keep an eye on Twitter where we will ask for your questions and also prompt you if you should so wish so, should so, so wish, so wish to do so to support us on the Pod Squad donations as well, which we'll get to in a second.

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