Podiots - Podiots: Episode 73 - Cheggerslovakia

Episode Date: March 9, 2021

Peter's cock is lethal, Michael brings one of our Fights A Day, and Ben has yet more news stories of questionable origin! Donate £3 or more to get a shoutout and join the Pod Squad! - https://streamlabs.com/podiotsdonations/ New merch: http://smarturl.it/Podiots Twitch: Twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord:  http://bit.ly/VidiotsDiscord   Ben and Peter's channel 'TripleJump': https://www.youtube.com/teamtriplejump   Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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event. Conditions supply, visit your local Volvo retailer, or go to explorevolvo.com. Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need for your sunny days, delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? Well, you can't get a well-groom lawn delivered, but you can get a chicken parmesan delivered. A cabana? That's a no, but a banana, that's a yes. A nice tan, sorry, nope, but a box fan, happily yes. A day of sunshine, no. A box of fine wines? Yes. Uber Eats can definitely get you that. Get almost, almost anything delivered. delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency App for details. We need a new national anthem, don't we? It's sweet. We're living in

the era of the Chega Slovakia. If someone could write that and send it in, you know, do a Chega Slovakia video's national anthem. If it's good, we'll play it. If it's not, more for you. What kind of slant would you like them to take? Sort of a nationalistic Look how strong we are. We have all the muscles and guns. Or sort of look at our nice flowers and our big rolling hills. I think just anything that's sort of... Hey, hello?

How are you doing? It's Cheggers. I don't really care what he's saying. Just as long as it's got that kind of tone about it. Yeah, like a Cheggers slant. But sung in a beautiful operatic style. Yeah. Hey!

Just sort of happy, I am presenting a television. show, fun for all the family kind of thing. Here's my knob. But being sung. With subtle undertones of an authoritarian dictatorship, that is living under Cheggers. We don't want it to be too obvious, but there's like just one menacing line. We will drink the blood of our rivals. What happens in Cheggers is Goulag.

God only knows. Everyone's naked, for sure. I would watch that show so hard. Naked Gulag. Hey, it's me gulag. Oh, dear. Cheggers Gulag. Yeah.

Coming soon to channel. Dave. Dave. Coming soon to Dave. It's a Dave show, isn't it? Absolutely. Cheggers Goulag. I feel like it's manned by Mr. Blobby, even though I know he's Noel affiliated.

He's like the warden. All of your 90s favorites. Yeah. Yeah. Hello everybody and welcome to Podiots, the official. Fidiotz. It's a conversational podcast where we take some questions from you at home and obey the law of the three us, where everybody brings a thing along to talk about. I'm Ben.

I'm Peter. And I am Michael. Hello, boys. Hello Ben and Michael Hello Peter and Ben Hello Peter and Michael Oh That's nice

Hello audience Hello audience I'll be all all right It feels weird This I don't know What I talk going beyond that fourth wall Just kicking that fucking wall Right in its stupid face

Don't forget to smash that Fourth Wall Ding that bell Ding it I think if more people donned the bell in 2018 we'd still have memory cards

oh don't it's your fault the people not feeling guilty enough already it's been well you pointed out it's been three years yeah I don't like that since video started we're only there for a year

well I don't know if you guys noticed but I think it was the last episode wasn't it where we had the question what's your biggest regret and the secret question at the end of the podcast was all right audience what's your biggest regret we had multiple people respond to the YouTube upload saying not telling my friends

oh no don't make me cry you should have told them we gave you ample opportunity yeah guys what the fuck but videos didn't die it just changed and now it exists as the far more convenient once a fortnight poddiet's podcast I feel like that's how doctors break the news to distraught spouses that their partner has gone into a coma

Look, he's not died, he's just changing He's going to be different in some way Greg isn't dead No, he's just changed Greg's changed Remember the Craig you fell in love with He's gone Oh no

We're still here though In all of our lovely glory, right? Yeah, no, we're still going We're thinking about turning the machine off. We're not, to be clear. No, we're not. We're not.

Podiots will continue. It will. And vidiates will remain a part of the Yogs cast until they remember we're there. And then they kick us out. They go, oh, these guys are still on the book. Oh, fuck. I forgot about these guys. I thought we sent them a letter.

Oh, man. Jesus Christ. Everyone's been working from home and we've just been hidden in the basement this entire time. We've just been sneakily still coming into the building every week. No one knows. Oh, we've got to wait. Hey, but if you want. to support us financially to allow us to keep sneaking into the Oggscast building when no one's

around. You can go to streamlabs.com forward slash poddiots donations. Donate three pounds or more. You'll join Pod Squad. You'll get a shout out at the beginning and the end of the stream. You may be randomly assigned the bumpy platoon. I said it right this week. Nice. The tiny troop or the fast crew. Those are the three platoons we've got there or groups or troops or cruise or whatever the fuck it is but streamlabs.com forward slash potty at stonations mike who's up first in the pumpy platoon stand to attention please pumpy platoon order it is red is with lechia good wait red is sloz swethia lecchi letky red is slovakia that's a hint to what's coming

with the rest of these i don't know we're only one one in oh god god yeah shegas slovakia Brings all the boys to the yard Very generous donation There is a message I cut it off I'm an idiot Do you want to read it out Oh it's going to get sent over

I got it for you What lurks in the archives At Vidiat's Manor What mistakes and behind the scenes Goodness is hidden away from us The truth is out there Also shout out to my partner Not married, fight me scrub

Thanks for putting up with my insane schedule Kiski Kiski Kiski Well, there must be some hidden stuff away in the archives, right? Nothing worth sharing, though. Oh, man, I don't know. Just some, like, test logos and stuff.

The corrupted footage of Margaret with, like, no video, just sound. I mean, that's not been saved, but it was at one point in existence. It's gone. It's gone forever. Thank you. Thank you very much for the generous donation. Absolutely. Jonathan Grimwood's author, the generous Samuel de Barber, who says, Has lockdown ruined the idea of a takeaway?

Has it gone from a treat on a night out to just the lockdown norm was what a tipsy flatmate demanded I explained last night? So shout out to Cormac. Cheers, boyos. I'm going to say, yeah, takeaways are just brutal now, aren't they? Takeway, more like meal. Thank you very much. Unstoppable Michael Malloy, broken bits of brie,

bitter like chocolate, KKB, the Prince. Oh, I forgot about that. Oh, no. KKB, the Princess and the Glock, Cheddar, Slovakia. No. Suvalk. Suvlaki.

So, sorry. Sorry. Cheddar's suvlaki. Wow, that's impressive. Cheggers Lobachia. Oh, Bella's secret porn stash. Awesome Fox needs good vibes. Sending good vibes.

The Czech Republic. The old man and the minge. Think, stoke-on-trend. Cheggers, Slovakia. Emily Lemons. Cheggers, Slovakia, Breggie Ronks Aaron Courtney, sexy bitch Cheeky Cheggers RIP

Cheggers Slovakia Vidyits presenter fanfic Chedars Lordvakia Very good Not Lenny and Cheggo Slovakia What a beautiful collection of people Can I just say I've just looked up I don't know what made me do it

But I just looked up Jonathan Grimwood's Oh no this is Jonathan Grimwood Without an S on the end Apparently there's an author called Jonathan Grimwood who's like very successful seemingly I thought maybe he was a listener but Jonathan Grimwood's with an S

maybe not, maybe still successful but not the one I'm looking at Not if they're listening to us No one. Probably not well that's what surprised me That we had potentially a very Like he's laden with awards John Grimwood

But anyway We can pretend it's the real one Maybe the other one is also successful We'll say anyway. Fall in, everyone, to Tiny Troop. Chego Slovakia. Stephen Skoda's. Goe-Bugspittoon.

Cassie Wolfhard 11. Hideo Co. Freddy and the Fabs. Chegaslovakia. De blood sugar wat dropped. Who was very generous and said, finally able to join the Pod Squad. Been following you guys since the name redacted days and loved every minute of

the journey. Introduce you to my GF. She finally understands all the quotes I come out with now. P.S., any advice for a wannabe voice actor? Oh man, I don't know. Nail down your be bella impression and you'll be golden. Yeah, that's how you do it. I think the Spice Girls said you've got to get with my friends. If you want to be your voice actor, you've got to get with my friends. I think maybe you should do that. Yeah, everyone's friends. Invest in a good mic makes all the difference with voice work, I would say. Yeah, do it. And don't forget to have fun.

Have fun. Most importantly, have fun. Yeah. The list continues. Chego Slovakia. Chegwin Slovenia. Chega Slovakia Tristam. DPR of Chega Slovakia. I'll see you when you get there.

Chega's Slovakia. It's the Chega's Slovakia. It's the Chegg Republic now Chega's Slovakia, R-I-P Big Titch Jesus 42, Chegov's Gundapants, Peter Chegg's goalie helmet, Chegg Republic, Emily Lemons,

ham flaps, United Slovak State of Chega, making ferret pancakes. I'm not fucking reading that, is the name that it says. the Michael Jugstone Chegg Republic aka Chechchia

the Dominic the Dom Iniquan Republic with a hyphen and Dave Benson Philippines This is a slog but it's beautiful It's really good isn't it

I'm actually going to open mine in the spreadsheet because it's too small for me to read properly Billy Appalus Chega Slovakia Cheggers Slovakian teen wife Kez of Chega Slovakia

Oliver a real six-year-old Oh no Not a real one, surely Cheggas loves Sackia Cheggas slow vacuumer Cheggas is a slagia

Aw Chegwin Slaw-Wonky-Win What The Cheg Republic The Cheg Republic. Chega's Levakia Lanklaw

Chega... Hang on. Chega Slovakia Alan Klaw Nice. Chega Slovakia, Mr. Maka. Kermit the Forg. Respect Non-Awl Royal

Roy Hodgson. Chega Slovakia Chega Slavacia. Johnny Macella doesn't care. Chego Slovakia not even Wensley Dave BP who's very generous and said Thank you beautiful boys

and all girls for the years of your unique brand of merriment and fart attainment Can you give a shout out to my brilliant weird and wonderful wav Katie and also our dog and cats Tigger, Snow and Souti since they are good boys and girl

Hello Katie and Tigger and Snow and Souti Hello all love you Hello thank you very much Chega Slovakia Chief Kegwin of Slovakia, Chega's Slovakia, the real Quarantian, who says, Hi, beautiful, I was very generous, hi beautiful boys, I work in a hospital and though I'm not a nurse, the grim situation has taken its toll more than I ever expected. I've been a long-time fan, but over the past 12 months you provided an hilarious respite

and helped me to cope. Thanks, boys. Thank you, Quarantian. Thank you, Quarantian. Thank you very much. We've also got Bray Fentos and the Sex Pests Triple Jump and Shut Up Cheggers, You're Dead Beautiful, what a collection Oh, that was a... We get to do that all over again at the end, huh? Oh no!

What a treat. We will read every one. Every single one. Even though you guys can't tell which one was you and which one was someone else. Thank you very much. That's your pod squad. you're all brilliant and generous.

Streamlabs.com forward slash poddiet's donations. Three pounds or more to get a shout out at the beginning and the end of the show. Okay, Peter, over to you. Hello, I am Question Master this week. I've got some questions from people who sent them on Twitter. This first one is from Romeo at Bjorn Q on Twitter, who says,

Two birds with one stone, cold feet, and taking the bull by the horns. Make one idiom up each, and the context behind it. And then there's a white heart, emoji and then a sort of call me emoji you know the call me symbol oh call me

wicked etc yes so obviously I've had slightly more time to think about this than you guys have because it's just been sprung upon you but I came up with one and you guys can think while I'm describing mine oh man I'm just gonna

just gonna have to use the middle urinal I think. Just going to have to use the middle of urinal or urinal, as they would say, but I'm trying to be trying to be international about this. Of course. Not sure about this.

No one wants to use the middle urinal, right? Yeah. People don't do it. It's not socially acceptable. I don't know if ladies know this, but some urinals, some bathrooms or toilets in public spaces have urinals on the wall,

which are wall-mounted toilets that you do your whittles into. and hey if you want to take a poo in it you can if you want no one's going to stop you because they probably think dangerously insane no one's going to stop you and you sometimes they're like singular ones just arranged on a wall

and sitting and standing between two other people who are on adjacent urinals is a sort of social faux par not for any particular reason I don't know if it's like it's just not just people don't do it you just don't do it I think it goes back to everyone's school days

when, you know, it's people think you're weird. You're trying to look at a Wilson if you're doing it. You're a pervert. Oh, you touch my shoulder by accident. Get away. Yeah. Disgusting. Alternatively, sometimes there are big sort of trough urinals. And again, sort of standing in between two people, despite the fact that you're all sharing a trough together is not the done thing.

However, sometimes, if it's really busy, people do use the middle urinal. Or if you're really desperate and you don't want to wear it. you'll use it. So really, it's just another version of, like, biting the bullet or kind of... I'd like to think it's not just about biting the bullet. It's everyone knowingly is aware that you wouldn't normally do this thing, but we all agree that, like, needs must in this situation. It's like a group version of bite the bullet.

So, you know, oh, I'm just going to have to... Really going to have to just suck it up and use the middle of your anal, I think. Okay. That's my idea. I like it. I like it. Yeah. God, this is going to be so much more thought than anything I come up with.

Oh, no. Some reason I'm gravitating towards, I could grab life by the... Something like that's kind of, just like, do it. Yeah. I feel like I'm going to get in trouble with the teacher. But when you read the question out...

Yeah. I was not on this planet, Peter. Oh, no. Can you please repeat it for me? I'm going to repeat it for you and then you're going to have to write it a hundred times before you go home today and I'm going to do the teacher thing

which is when you hand it into me I'm not even going to look at the piece of paper I'm going to tear it up and put it in the bin. Did your teachers do that when he did lines? Sounds like it would sort of deflate me morally and perhaps it would only harden my resolve to be a rebel because I was

disrespected in such a manner by an authority figure. young master potter yes i'm here much like two birds with one stone or getting cold feet or taking the bull by the horns you must make up one idiom and give the context behind it i see so we want some kind of metaphorical phrase an allegory uh you know or a simile or something okay i've got one Sometimes you've just got to take the hot lettuce with the reheated burger Right Oh my God, that's actually pretty good

And what does that mean, Ben? I mean, I'm sure we can all work it out That's the point of the metaphor But just we're going to need it Romeo wants it Romeo wants it Well, for Romeo anything So when you're reheating

Because you're a disgusting blob man And you order too much food most of the time Right? Yeah You put some of it in the fridge for the next day And when you get a burger they put that weird green stuff in it and I think it grows out of the floor

like the outside floor and when it gets reheated in the microwave it goes all soggy and no one wants hot lettuce nobody wants it but it's part and parcel of getting the burger which is the good thing and sometimes it's you've got to take

the hot lettuce with the reheated burger yeah you do that's very good I like that hot hot lettuce is gross I'm sorry you had to repeat the question Peter disrespectful of me That's okay.

Just hand them in at the end. That's all. That's all you have to do. I was reading the Czechoslovakia as a get-out. Just counting how many. It's just looking at them. Still let it happen again, Mr. Potter. I'll be writing home to your parents.

I won't, I promise. I think maybe this is the worst one ever, but I'm going to suck it up and put the folded paper underneath the table leg. Oh, okay. That's also good. Yeah. Just when you finally think, There's been a minor annoyance in your life,

and you just think, screw it, I'm just going to fix it. I'm going to suck it up and fold up the paper and put it underneath the table leg. I'm going to finally do it. I've been putting up with this shitty table for ages. It's just needed that little push, the willpower to fix it for everyone on this, God forsaken, Robly Meal table space zone. This is one that's going to be used for the ages by people across the world.

I think so. Yeah, it's going to make it into the idiom dictionary. that everyone has on their shelf in their house. Vidium. Vidiums. There we go. Great, well, it's time for a thing. I don't think I've gone first for a while,

so I could just do mine. It's up to you. Get in there, son. I don't think I have. I could be totally wrong about that. Maybe I'm just jumping the gun again, but anyway, give it a go. This was sent to me...

Oh, actually, I better look up who sent this to me. So, Amy shared this with me the other day, and I was like, oh, well, that is prime poddy, it's material. And then I told you guys not to read any articles that had a certain... Full stop. Well, yeah, don't read anything at all. That had like a certain... I told you to avoid cockerels and roosters, is what I said.

I'm very excited. I've managed to avoid all cockrels and roosters for two weeks now. Oh, excellent. I'm very pleased. And then someone sent it to me on Twitter, and I'm desperately scrolling through my mentions here. Oh, I found it. Lucy at River Fox, but with a three instead of the E in

river. Thank you, Lucy, for sending this. As it would, as look would have it, I'd already seen it, but I appreciate it all the same. According to BBC.com.com.ukh, forward slash news, forward slash world, hyphen Asia, hyphen India. I love that one. Indian man killed by his own bird during cockfight. Oh, no. Oh, amazing. Absolutely beautiful. Yeah. Poetic justice. I mean, you know, I'm not going to celebrate the death of a man, but, you know, you have to take the lettuce with a hot burger. You've got to... Something like that.

You've got to piss in that middle of urinal sometimes. You have to, yeah. Now, this headline is nothing like where the article is going to go. It's not just that a man has been killed by a cockerel. A cockerel that had been fitted with a knife... For an illegal cockfight has killed its owner in southern India. I didn't realize cockfights were getting like this now. Wow.

It's turning into robot wars It was an armed cockerel Cro-bot wars No, it doesn't really work as it It's close, we're getting there Cockroll's crow Yeah, there we go Ro-cock wars

I don't know That might be too much of a mouthful The bird's owner was impaled in the groin By the knife as the animal tried to escape The man died on the way to hospital From a loss of blood Police are now searching for 15 more people involved in the event

Now when Amy was reading this to me I thought it was going to be police are now searching for an armed cockcrawl that's on the loose. It's not to be approached. But the event took place in the village of Lothonore in Telangana State earlier this week. Apologies for butchering that. The animal was held at a police station before being transferred to a farm. Which is nice. Sounds like an epithet for being put down, but I think it did actually go to a farm.

farm. Police said the animal was being readied to take part in a fight when it tried to escape. Its owner attempted to catch it, but was struck by the seven centimetre long, that's three-inch knife on the bird's leg, during the struggle. Those involved in the event face charges of manslaughter, illegally betting and hosting a cockfight, the AFP News Agency reports. Local police officer B. Jeevan said the animal would be taken to court has evidence to later date. Oh, amazing. According to the New Indian Express,

cockfighting was made illegal in India in 1960, but fights are still relatively common in rural areas. It's not the first time an owner has been killed by their cockerel. Last year, a man in Andra Pradesh died after he was hit in the neck by a blade attached to his bird. Oh, my God. According to CNN, the owner was taking his animal to a cockfight when the incident occurred.

Just picturing them bringing the chicken to the courthouse and said, well, we've got to recreate the scene accurately so they tried to attach the knife onto the chicken again. And it tries to escape again and kills someone else. It's just a never-ending cycle of cutting new court dates and people getting killed. I just love the idea that it's necessary to present the cockerel as evidence in a trial.

Like, surely as long as people know what a cockerel is, they don't need to see the exact one. but apparently so Also aren't cockfights brutal and barbaric enough without strapping weaponry to your bird and then putting it on your bird at home before driving it or transporting it to the fight there's just so many

things that they've done wrong here beyond have a cockfight to begin with yeah I saw in a different write-up of this the reason that they sometimes attach I think in other articles it's said to be a razor blade on the Cockrow, but I much prefer the idea that it had a knife

Yes, the big bowie knife Yeah, but apparently it's done to ensure that fights are over quickly and that a winner can be declared Right So I guess it helps Pull in the punters as well

I imagine it's like a WWE wrestling night and no DQs Top of the leaderboard is the cock with a glock. Oh, man. Yeah, that guy's going to win every time. Oh, yeah. Don't teach chickens how to use guns. I just, I love the idea of, I mean, I don't love the idea because it's animal baiting and it's awful,

but just the image of loads of men and women or women standing around a ring cheering with betting slips held tightly in their fists as two cockerel's with knives just charge at each other. Why don't they just play bayblade? Like, surely that's more fun. I don't know. You would have thought that would be so much more exciting. Yeah. There's some related stories here.

Man killed by cockfighting bird and fighting rooster kills Philippines police officer. How did that happen? Wow. Oh, yeah, the same. It had a blade on it and it cut his artery. He was rushed to hospital. These chickens are dangerous, man. I don't know.

They are. I don't know if we can trust them. Spurs, they're called, these blades. Spurs Yeah, they have spurs like cowboys Wait, why am I googling this This is a tricky

No, what are you, what are you doing, Michael? Provincial Police Chief Colonel Arnold Apoud told news agency AFP That the accident was Unfortunate, calling it A piece of bad luck That I cannot explain It's not really bad luck

Oh bad luck, though is it? Oh, bad luck, friend Oh, I put myself in this really dangerous situation Whoops, oh well Yeah Bud, that's some tough luck Man, it really sucks to be you Never would have guessed that that bird would be furious

It's fucking weird man What is, can't explain it What was going through that bird's mind What are the odds I bet take the bird to court It's their fault It's going to go to a bird court Yeah

The chance is that when we attached a knife To that live animal That something could have gone wrong God You never would have guessed it And especially hasn't happened Several times before this incident Yeah

Oh it's happened in California as well. Whoa, it's spreading... Damn it, I wish there was just a way we could have seen this coming, you know? If only we could stop putting knives on the back of birds. But, Michael, we can't.

No. Because that's how you do the cockfights now. I'm not going to a cockfight if there isn't a knife strapped to the bird. They really like it. We've spoken to the ambassador for cockrawls and he says, on behalf of all cockrawls, look, we like having knives put on us

and fighting with them. Yeah. So you're not taking them away from us. It's our First Amendment right The chicken union's up in arms Oh God, big bird Big bird Oh dearie, dearie me

Just to be perfectly clear Just in case anyone Is not getting the several layers of sarcasm Cockfighting's very bad It's very bad It's very bad It just shouldn't it be said but we do have to say it.

Don't make your birds fight. Knives or no knives. Flipping heck. Wow, well that was a ride. Thank you, Peter. You're welcome. And thank you to those who shared that with me to pass on.

Beautiful. The last US state to make it illegal did so in 2007. Name and shame. Name and shame. It was legal. until 2007 in Louisiana. It's an old rural tradition.

Oh, love traditions. Oh, there you go. That's fine, then. Wonderful. Well, it's time for another question. Mm, yes, please. This is from Adi at 2 Adi underscore P, who says,

What's the most questionable thing you've ever eaten? And did it end up being all right? Hmm. Oh. I can't remember if I've told this story before so I'm just going to tell it and you'll have to suck it up

and do the paper table if you don't like it. I once was taken to a Michelin Star restaurant. It was for one of my parents' 50th or 60th birthdays or something so we went all out with a couple of family

friends and like the sort of like seven or eight of us went to a really fancy restaurant. I think it was Marco Pierre White, the TV chef. And it was one of those things where they bring you like eight courses and it's all like small things on a plate and it's like there's lots of just foam and like air on it. Served on the back of a man's hand or something like that. Yeah, exactly. Moose. And sort of three or four courses in, this plate of like small, delicate little delicious meats arrived. And I have always been a meat fan

and I thoroughly enjoyed all of the meats despite the fact that I think I was warned ahead of time that one of the meats was a sweet bread which... Now here's the thing. I was told at the time it was lamb's testicles and it was fine. It was nice, in fact, not just fine.

It was not the texture you would have expected from testicles. Now, some people might immediately take to the comments and go, I think you'll find that sweetbreads are erroneously called lamb's testicles, but really, they are, let's find it here, the thymus gland or possibly the pancreas. However, that seems to be one of those things where people say, it's a myth, but the myth is that it's a myth. and you can in some circles call testicles sweetbreads if you so wish

and I'm reasonably sure that we were told they were testicles and I don't think anyone would tell you they were testicles if they weren't so pretty sure that I've eaten a lamb's bollock before and it was okay it was it was nice it just kind of it was like a little meatball it didn't feel like chewy or anything weird It was just like, it felt like lean meat and tasted very nice because it had been cooked by a clever person. It's not like a grape or anything like I'm imagining in my head.

No, yeah. I mean, if someone had said to me, I think back then I was naive enough to think, well, it's a nice restaurant so it will be nice. I think nowadays, if I've not had it before and then someone said, bite into this, it's a testicle. I would think like, oh man, that's going to be like just cartilage. It's going to be like untuitable.

but it wasn't like that at all it was actually quite nice not saying I'd you know order them on my next Iceland shop but you know that is why mum's go that is for those lamb balls

yeah I feel like every time I went on holiday at Spain with my parents like occasionally we'd go to like a not grade hotel but they'd be all inclusive so it'd be like a buffet of food every night

and I feel like if I could somehow transport back in time and have a look at those buffets and I feel like I would fully appreciate the fact I'm dicing with death at every spoonful right there one hotel was like we got into the room and there was cockroaches all over the floor and it's kind of like set the tone for like what this place would be and I just I've got I feel like I've got weird smells etched to my brains and like stained food containers I just I've got a feeling they're not adhering to strict food control protocol and keeping it above 60 degrees at all times. Just letting it fester with little bacteria.

It's flavour, Michael. That's true, actually. Yeah, that's what... Protein. The dishes are never washed because that's seasoning. You just put some new chicken in it. Bam, it absorbs the flavor of everything around it. It's like one of those old, like, skillets or whatever, those pans that you're not supposed

to clean. Yeah. Keep them in families for generations. Except, instead of being a really nice cast iron pan from, like, the medieval period. It's just an aluminium tray that's green. But hey, no, it's the family skillet. Can't wash it. House lasagna for 30 years now. Awful. Delicious. The best thing about buffets is that when they put the new stuff on, it goes on to the top rather than at the bottom. Therefore, the stuff at the bottom stays at

the bottom for two days. Oh, please can we leave buffets in a, in a, like just leave them out of this poor pandemic world? buffets. So much. You want to go to Zazars. I want to bury my face in a buffet when this is done. The Zazaar in Bristol a couple months ago was like set on fire. That's fucking serves it right. It's terrible. Yeah, that was a really bad one. People were like guessing that it was an insurance job because of all the money lost. I thought, right, we'll set on fire. Get our money back. That real estate must cost them a fortune. It's massive. It's in such an amazing place. Yeah.

yeah awful what a terrible anyway anyway i've spoken about oily bread before on this podcast oh no please don't uh so i won't retread that ground it was my attempt to make fried bread not really understanding what fried bread was where basically i ate half a loaf of bread and half a bottle of sunflower oil oh god and i wasn't well but more recently than that i think this was last year actually. I don't have anything particularly fancy or exciting to talk about, but I was trying to make, as a lot of people have been doing, make the stuff that I have in the cupboards go a bit further. Right. Yeah. So I had a fair amount of few silly pasta. I had one tin of tuna and I don't think I had a great deal of mayonnaise and I'll make some tuna pasta

and I can have that for like a few meals or something. Yeah. And I made it and it turned out there was way more pasta than I thought and I had this one tin of tuna that did not go very far at all and I overcook the pasta as well to the extent that it was just this this yellow paste beige mass of pasta with one flake of tuna per mouthful and it was awful and in an attempt to make it a bit more edible and give it some flavor

I put a load of Heinz barbecue sauce in it Oh, Jesus. And I thought, that's something, that will make this bearable. And it didn't. And I put the entire thing back in the pasta bag and threw it all in the outside bin because I didn't want it inside anymore. Oh, the barbecue sauce is way worse. That's just, I thought I was weird for having tuna pasta and gravy,

but for some reason barbecue sauce is... I wouldn't normally, but then I thought... No. But then I thought, I've got, there's no... There's no flavor. I've got to have something. And it made it so much worse. It was then stodgy and overcooked.

And there was no, there's no meat, fish meat in there at all. I'm just kind of picturing a tuna porridge at this point, essentially. I love that my answer to this question, I don't make a habit of going to Michelin-Star restaurants. Let me tell you, it was a very extravagant, stupidly expensive thing for the family that we probably haven't financially recovered from to this day but you know I'm like oh yes well I once ate a lamb's testicle of course it's known as sweetbread

in the industry and then you're like yeah I had my barbecue pasta blob and Michael's like yeah I nearly ate probably nearly ate a cockroach at some point in different different strokes they we've all

we've all struggled in our own ways and we have barb tuna bad badster Hmm Yeah Amazing It's time for a thing

From one of you boys Do you want Does everyone fancy a little fight Fight? Fuck yeah You got the knives Are their knives involved I've got the knives

If you've got the Gorilla glue We'll stick it on some chickens And let's go Okay I've just That just remind me now Of the time

That's one We're sticking Little Trump hats On to pigeons Oh yeah A weird time we live in this fucking world it's time to get

fit and healthy and get one of our five a day it's time to decide the ultimate fruit oh okay there are only so many fruits that I actually like so this won't take long

it's also it turns out there's less fruit than you think without going into the esoteric weird fruit section so there's a few berries in here but I've tried to keep it as relatable as possible so this is it

This is our ultimate 2021 fitness guide. Just eat this one fruit that wins this. And you'll be the healthiest boy around. Ooh. So I think the first few rounds, like the first rounds will be pretty straightforward since it's kind of like, I feel like it's fairly obvious to me, but we'll find out, we'll find out. I think it'll definitely start getting harder later on as we're going to the more fan favorites.

Okay. Let's start with, I think this is a weird pairing. Peach and Pomegranate. Oh So Pomegranate to me has always been just like

an annoying, finicky disappointment of a fruit so I'm throwing my hat in that corner and saying screw pomegranate I like pomegranate.

I like pomegranate juice Oh yes yeah I mean as a fruit I'd rather eat a peach than a pomegranate I don't even know what you do with the pomegranate put it in a bin

yeah take that you fruit I don't know if just how my mom told me eat them but like we'd cut them half and get like a little needle and pick them out one by one and put them in my mouth. Right. Or is that not even remotely normal?

No, I don't know. All I know is sometimes they put like half a... I think I'm thinking of pomegranate. They put like half a pomegranate in like a cocktail sometimes, like floating on the top. Yes, yes, yeah. Oh, yeah, something like that. If you... And sometimes the tip the contents of the pomegranate into the glass before they leave the empty shell on top.

So then if you're drinking through... a straw, you end up with like this pulpy, seedy mess going up the straw and clogging it up. And I really hate it when they put like pomegranate mush inside your drink. So yeah, screw that. I'm going peach. Do you agree, Ben? Yeah, I'm definitely also going peach, but mainly because I... It looks like an ass. Yes. I don't think I've ever had a pomegranate. I've probably had the flavoring in something. And also I don't think I've ever eaten a peach either, but I've definitely had peach stuff, you know, peach yogurts or bits of peach in a thing.

Snaps. Snaps. Oh, yes. But I don't think I've ever actually just straight up, you know, eating that big ass fruit. Peach has more reach in the taster sphere, so peach goes on through. Peach. Coconut versus pear. Coconut.

Ooh. A piece of, it's very divisive fruit at coconut. A lot of people hate coconut, but I'm really. I love it. Yeah, I wasn't expecting that. Like biscuits and stuff. Like, niece biscuits are great. I'm not a fan of coconut as a flavor,

but I was like an actual, like the fruit itself is lovely. Bash it open, shizzled out a little bit of flesh. It's lovely. It's definitely like a one-off treat fruit though. I've never eaten a coconut like the way Mikey's described. It's been a very long time since I've had a pair, but I do like coconut flavored things. I'll eat those bounties, give them to me.

me. You don't want them in the Selection box. Pairs are tough. They're tough eating. They're fibrous. Yeah, they are. And not many things have flavoured like pears because No, that's true actually. Why would you want that? They don't taste bad. I like a pear, but I

think the fact I haven't had one since becoming an adult says a lot. I'm going to go with coconut. I like pear drops, but they're probably not one of you five a day. Probably not. Well, neither are bounties, but I like to think that

sure if you eat enough of them it'll be like cross over the one of your allowance yeah it's fine it's fine coconut goes on through quite surprised by that but yeah pairs

I don't know when they're good the good when the bad which is most often it's not even worth thinking about them get out of here

fuck out Kiwi versus raspberries so I think raspberries are more synonymous with like sweetie

sweetie little sweeties sweetie for loo yes Sweetie lids and sweeties And jams Jams of course Yes Kiwis

It's Do you eat Kiwis Skin as well When you eat them If you eat them No I mean I don't eat them Bight into it like an apple

The best way Eat them is just Chew through that skin That lovely hairy Little outer layer I can't tell if you're joking Do you do that No genuinely

Yeah I eat them Eat the skin It's fine It's taught the edible It's quite nice It's good sauce of fibre Do you shave it first Or do you just leave

Hair and all Please Do you comb it first or? Yeah, style it. A bit of hair gel, have it look all cool and spiky. Frost some tips. Would you like something in it?

Ready for the school disco. I don't, I've never had a Kiwi fruit. I can't say I'm particularly fussed about trying one. Not that I dislike it, but I don't really eat raspberries either, but I'll have raspberry-flavored stuff, so raspberries. Raspberrys? My raspberries. Occasionally have them.

There's a pudding. Yeah, raspberries are great. Raspberrys go on through. Strawberry versus pineapple. Oh. Pineapple. Oh, really? Love pineapple.

Wow. It's delicious. Pineapple juice is so bad for you, but it's so, so good. Yeah. It's like the kind of juice that's more of a syrup than anything. It's flipping lovely. Oh. It tastes good.

for sure. I think sometimes the flesh can be a bit tougher than I'd like. I wish it wasn't quite as... That's another... Feels a bit fibrous, I think, sometimes. Yeah. You're talking about pineapple or testicles again. Sweet blood.

I think that strawberries, if you account for, like, just the flavor of strawberry, I think that's probably the best fruit flavor of all. I think strawberry anything is the best. Like, you're talking sweets or drinks or... Yeah. You know, strawberries are just amazing. I think strawberries themselves,

I kind of wish they weren't as weird and seedy on the outside. Oh, really? You have some fucking modesty strawberries. Come, clean yourself up. Put your bits away. God, what are you doing? On balance, I don't think I could do without strawberry in the universe over pineapple, assuming that sort of strawberry-flavored things then also disappeared.

I think I'd have to keep strawberries over pineapple. I'm torn because pineapple can sometimes be a bit much and strawberry on the other hand can sometimes be not enough when you eat natural strawberry fruit sometimes it's kind of like watery and nothingy and it's a bit disappointing. I think you're calling it Mikey though. You've got to make the deciding though. I think you have swung at Peter with like the extended strawberry universe of flavors. We have managed to make this tournament about fruit more about sweets and their flavors in other bad for you things than true. I just think that speaks the power of the fruit.

Strawberry's got a great brand. Exactly. It's all about brand 2021. Where's your brand at? Come on. At Strawberry on Twitter. God, I wonder if there is like any official mascots or figureheads for fruits. Japan will have one, I'm sure.

Strawberry coon. Pineapple chan. Grape coon, maybe. Grape coon. Oh, well done. That's amazing. Pear, senpai. Melan.

Sal. Melan san. Melan san. Melan san. That's all you need to do. Banana versus the trusty old melon. I say the, I mean, like, this covers all melons. So honey dew, watermelon.

Banana. I like banana flavoring in my extended universe of food. Ice cream. milkshake. Oh, banana ice cream, that's a good show, yeah. All good. Love it. I'm not huge into banana flavor, actually. No.

I think because when I was younger, I had some medicine for something when I was a kid that tasted a banana and it was disgusting and I hated it. I feel like I vaguely remember that. That's weird. Banana, I would say, is probably one of the few fruits

that tastes pretty close to its sweety, neighbors. That's true. Unlike strawberry, which doesn't taste like it at all, in my opinion. Sugar and red. Yeah, red sugary flavor. Yeah, true. True. I'm erring on the side of melon here myself, because I'm a big sucker for a honeydew. Nom, nom, nom. I like melon flavor, for sure. And yeah, yeah, I like watermelon. I don't have any strong opinions on honeydew, but... Well, you used to with him in the office. Well, yeah.

I don't like watermelon, but I do like honeydew. Okay. I'm going to put melon through. Melons through to the next round. Yeah. Orange. And blueberries. It's got to be orange because of its power and presence in almost everything.

Hunter, come on. Blueberries are also delicious as a smoothie, but I don't want to eat the little rabbit pellet. the little rabbit pellets that are blue. No. The tiny little crunchy seed inside that's just big and irritating enough that you don't want it in there,

but still very small that it's hard to just remove. Yeah, I agree. Orange is they've, you know, the, the, the, uh, the orange, the OCU is a big, it's a big player out there in terms of annoying orange.

Oh, of course. Yeah. YouTube sends You don't have annoying blueberry, do you? You don't. No, you do. I rest my case. So that's how we're doing fruits now is by what flavors they're used in and also what YouTube channels they've been represented in. Is there an annoying one?

And orange in this case sparkles on through. Blueberries are nice, but I just find them a little bit lackluster most of the time. And they're not really a big flavor in other things. Sorry, blueberries you're going down. I've got a feeling I know exactly where this one's going to be going but apples versus figs Michael you really fucked figs over didn't you And we're going to get fucked over no matter what

It was just there for the number It's an apple, it's an apple day Definitely apples Yeah apples Apple there you go sorry fig you don't even get a discussion Screw off grapes And mango grape Oh

mangoes are very tasty but like Who can be asked even buying mangoes. That's the, I did buy a mango like last week. Whoa. And it took three minutes to kind of carve it to a suitable point. Gross. I thought I could, that's a punnet of grapes in that time.

I like mango flavored drinks, but, and you know, if they go in cocktails and stuff. But I just love grapes. Red or green, they're just, they're all, they're all wonderful. They're all good to me, yep. We somehow made it so that they don't have seeds in them, and I don't really get how that works but oh i bought a big box of candy floss grapes ages ago there it's it's it's like kind it's like a grape that's been bred to be more flavorful and sweet it's kind of like so it's kind of akin to candy floss doesn't really taste like candy floss but it's that kind of sugaryness wow and yeah

it's like a wholly natural grape i think i think unless it's dipped in something you also bring us wine grapes grapes win which is i like mango if mango flavored stuff doesn't tickle me. A real mango, yeah, that's nice. Also, the grapes make it through. The grapes are still on the stem as well, so you still feel like you're doing some work by retrieving them from the plot. That's true, yeah. Yeah. It's like, I'm foraging, right? My elders would like... My ancestors would be so proud. Yeah, I'm hunting and gathering. I do like that. Grapes is like an exercise tool just to get back in touch with the hunter-gatherer. That's the only reason I eat pistachios

because I just think, hey, I'm doing work. Just for an experience other than opening up a bit of package. Yeah, natural. Nature's package is what I open. Crunchy. Right, we're on to, well, that's the first round of things gone, so now we're just into the knockout stages of who do we love most? Peach or coconut? Coconut, I think, personally.

Did I screw this up? Did Peach make it through? No, it didn't. Was it Pomegranate? Oh, fuck. No, no, no, it wasn't. Wait, what? What was Peach Up against to begin with?

I can't remember. Michael. How do you, what's the system here? How do you keep track of these? He was explaining it to me before we started. He's gone about it. Ask backwards, Peter. I made, look, right, I found a website where you make brackets.

And I was like, all right, cool, I'll do that. And then it was like, to actually use this bracket, you need to make an accountant, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I was like, I was like, I. screw this. I'll just take a screenshot of the bracket I've put together, imported into Photoshop, and then cut out each individual word and move it around in Photoshop. But I can confirm. I found the original webpage. It is peach versus coconut. It was peach and pomegranate, and peach made it through, then coconut and pear and coconut made it through. Jesus. Right. I think coconut. Coconut.

Ooh. Really? I'm saying peach, but coconut goes through just by numbers alone. raspberries versus strawberries strawberries strawberries yeah that's a strong strong strawberry melons or oranges oranges oh okay yeah actually i can agree with that i can agree with that and apple versus grape apple see those are my two favorite fruits i think but it's a tricky one because apples are like a worldly world rounder just good fruit I mean before we started this tournament I kind of thought that apples should win even though I mean I want grapes to come second

but obviously that's not an option anymore so I'll say apples I'm going to say grapes myself what did you say Ben apples oh well apples you through okay so we've kind of got a world class

final stretch going on here yeah I can't believe in all I didn't win sorry I was about to say we got all of the all the all stars in but yeah bananas didn't make it through. Right. Disgusting. Disgusting, aren't they?

Coconut or strawberry. Strawberry. Strawberry. Strawberry. Strawberry. I agree. Orange versus apple. Apple for me. I'm... Oh, man.

Well... I really like oranges and satsumas and fanta and all that good stuff. But apples... Fentzer. You know... I was like oranges and satsumas and fanta. I mean, yeah, so that's why I, so as a fruit, that's why I said apple. But if you consider the extended universe, probably orange.

I'm leaning towards orange as much as I love an apple. I can't say outside of apple juice, I have any other kind, in it in any other form. Yeah. And orange juice is the king of juices, whatever you look at it. Oh, absolutely. Or queen. Or queen. Or queen.

Is that orange through to the final round? I guess so. I'm going to say orange as well. Okay, this is it. Strawberry or orange. Orange. It's got to be orange. I think I'm going to lean towards strawberry,

but it's irrelevant. Orange is the ultimate fruit of 2021. Eat it now. Load an orange. Did not see that comment. No, for some reason, orange is a solid one, but it's never one you think of as a chart topper,

but under extensive analysis, we've thoroughly discovered that orange. It's the new black. It's the best fruit. Did you say it of 20-21, so we all need to go away and eat fruit all year, and we'll come back and do this again next year. And we are three months behind on our orange quarter, so you're going to have to really pummel them in this month, boys.

Well, then someone eat like 12 pounds worth of orangeed in several kilograms of orange. The previous episode. They've helped everyone's current numbers just by, you know, over. He was ahead of the game. He knew what's going. coming. He did. Excellent. I've got a sort of double barrel, two questions here, both pertaining to food, but they're very short ones, so they're going hand in hand. From Stuart Christ, that's stucalicious. Stuart says, I love pizza, you love pizza, but why does pizza in cartoons

always look far more delicious than real-life pizza looks? Ooh, I think they use a similar technique to, you know, off of the adverts where they use PVA glue you know, that cheese stretch from the cheesy crusts? Oh yeah. The stuffed crusts. It's never like that. No. Because they're fucking lying.

And I don't know why they're allowed to do it. I'm sure you've seen all the behind the scenes of food advertising where they just like, it's not, on a base level, it's the real food. But then they add loads of shit to it to make it like the cheese stretch or the chocolate melt in a certain, way and it's bollocks that's why it's big pizza lying to all of us it's still good though

still good lettuce is made out of like crepe paper and you know covered with water and yeah they do all kind yeah the pvae glue poured onto like otobics what's that then is crazy it's fucking just looks like slow motion milk but it's it's glue slow motion milk glue otherwise known as slow-motion milk. I think you're right, though. I think it's the stringiness of the cheese. And also you can normally see, instead of cartoon stink lines,

they do cartoon steam lines coming off pizza. It's piping hot, which it never is when you order it in real life. That's why it looks more delicious because it's actually an edible fucking temperature when it arrives at the turtle's underground base. Yes. I think there's one crucial thing you've missed.

this is a secret in the cartoon food drawing industry is that if you look at most drawings or cartoons that feature pizza, there's usually very little in the way of tomato sauce. That's because it's actually just like a big wedge of cheese, like a puck of cheese that covers the entire pizza. And that's actually the true Italian way to have a pizza. No tomato sauce, just pure cheese. There's few things thrown on top. On top.

On top. Perfect. I'd recommend it. Well, sticking with cheese, It's Gavin at It's Gavin's Words on Twitter, says, the only question that matters, on a burger, in all caps, cellophane wrapped bright orange, quote-unquote, cheesy singles,

or literally any real cheese. Now, I feel we might be about to split the crowd here because I am so against American cheese. No, cheese singles are great. They've got, they're awful, but they know the purpose. Even on a burger. I know a lot of people would say I wouldn't have them anywhere else

but I do have them on burgers I'm not even in that camp I wouldn't have them anywhere Wow Ben are you a fan of cheese singles evidently Mikey is yeah I'm a fan of cheese singles I don't care

but it feels like a special occasion I feel like a non shitty cheese or should we just call it burger cheese because I struggle to believe that when you get like a premium Berg say from five guys I doubt that

cheddar. I might be wrong, but it'll be some kind of cheesy single, but it feels like an expensive cheesy single. It tastes good. But when you go to a gastro pub or something and you get a burger from there, they usually have fancy-ass burgers where it's like, oh, you can have brie with it or, you know, expensive, special cheese. And I don't mind because it all tastes like savory paste Isn't it at the end of the day isn't all meal

just savory paste Well especially where Ben's cooking it by the sounds of it That's what he made As long as it's As long as it's not stuck To the paper wrapping That the burger comes in

More than it is in the actual burger Then I don't usually mind If there was a cheeseboard selection Layed out in front of me And they said With a nice cream Cracker you can have Brie,

a bit of Wensleydale, cheddar or a St. Brie's cheesy single. I would choose real cheese every time.

But when it comes to burgers, it's a burger in it. I'll just go for whatever's come in my way. Even if it

was the same situation. So there's an open burger. Someone's taken the top. Someone's taking the lid off

your burger. Yes. And there's a hot, piping hot patty there. The lettuce is cold, you'll be pleased

to know. today. Yes, that's good. And on the cheeseboard in front of you, there are cut to burger-sized shapes, various cheeses on options. So they're all square shaped, but one of them has been pressed into a square shape by a horrible machine and then wrapped up in cellophane. And the others are actual cheese. Would you... My question is, are you in the room? No, I'm not. No one's in the room. No one's going to know. from right now when you tell us what you would do okay because if you were in the room i would put

the shittest cheese on it possible okay make dominant eye contact the whole time yeah uh if i had a choice and it was all laid out for me i don't know i suppose i'd mix it up because more often than not you do get the cheap cheese and i might try it with some expensive cheese as long as it melts properly you don't want hard cold cheese in your no yeah that's yeah it's got to be warm and milty. It's got to be soft. You don't want it to be like a point of, you can feel it as a layer with your teeth when you bite through it. That's a bad

cheese. It's a bad cheese. Yeah, definitely. Well, there we go. That's food and cheese dealt with. It's time for Ben's thing. It is. I have gone back to the well. It's some weird fake news.

For the second episode running. This is me going to the subreddit, not the onion. picking out some news stories that sound so absurd that they can't possibly be true except they are but maybe I've also mixed in some actual satirical news from website The Onion who knows I'm going to read you the headlines

we're then going to go back through and you can tell me if you think it's real or if it's fake are you ready? Okay yeah headline number one Nutritionist says pizza is better for breakfast than most cereals Oh

okay Okay Next headline Man thwarted from committing mass murder by his pet bird Was it an armed cockcrawl Does anyone way to find out A woman bit off man's tongue

In street brawl Before Seagull swooped down and ate it Oh gosh Wow Wowy God what an experience Man charged with identity theft after trying to apply for handgun carry permit as former President Barack Obama.

And finally, study finds that bronze age remains often found in cheaper clothing because nicer clothing speeds up decomposition. Oh, interesting. So, first up, nutritionist says pizza is better for breakfast than most cereals, yay or nay? Nutritionally, cereals are pretty much nothing, aren't they? It's usually just little clumps of rice that you put sugar and milk onto. I can see this being said for some things, but not necessarily pizza.

Because I think pizza is also, especially takeaway pizza, it's all just sugar and salt. Like that's really, it's just really bad. I can see a nutritionist saying like, oh, You'd be better off eating, you know, a rice cake than a cereal because it's nothing. That would be more believable. But like, pizza must be worse, surely. I've got to say onion, I think. I'm going to go true.

I'm going to say we're eating healthy pizza for breakfast, boys. It's real. What's better to eat for breakfast, pizza or cereal? Turns out it's actually pizza. The nutritionist said it's due to large amounts of sugar found in many cereals. pizza may have more fat, but it has less sugar, excuse me. Thus, Chelsea Amor tells the daily meal, you'll have a better chance of avoiding a sugar crash later on.

You may be surprised to find out that an average slice of pizza and a bowl of cereal with whole milk or slow glue contain nearly the same amount of calories. Wow. Pizza has more protein, because of that, your appetite would be more satisfied and you would be more likely to avoid snacking. Good pizza, I suppose, is better than bad pizza.

Yeah. There's no such thing as bad pizza. I had pizza for breakfast on Monday, so that makes me feel a lot more. Did you? Yeah, a lot better with myself. Wow. You're powerful. It's first morning pizza I've had in years, and it is an almighty quivering feeling. Yeah.

I see a cool. Don't even warm it up. Just give me the cool brick. Give me that whole thing, bro. Next headline, man thwarted from committing mass murder by his pet bird. It could just be the man that Peter was talking about earlier. Is it because he was going to commit mass murder, but then the bird did it instead? So there were no possible victims. This is my chance.

He's put the knife on my back. I can stop him before he annexed this horrible plan. I'm tempted to say real only because I can't quite see the humorous, the sort of punchline aspect of this in the onion. Even if you have changed, I don't see exactly what angle they're coming at it from, if it's onion. So I think real.

I'm going to go real as well. This is onion. What? The original headline was parakeet unaware its companionship the only thing stopping man from committing one of bloodiest acts in American history. I see.

That's good. Very big fun of that. The hyperbole is good there. That makes it. Though he protects scores of innocent civilians every day of his life, several reports confirmed Wednesday that Java, a local parakeet,

is unaware the companionship he provides is the only thing stopping his owner, area man, David Markopoulos, from committing one of the deadliest acts in US history. Oh, that's very sweet. Yeah, it goes on talking about budgies, which is great. Next one. Woman bit off man's tongue in street brawl

before Seagull swooped down and ate it. Too much in there for an onion headline, surely. Like, there's too much going on. It's got to be real. Yeah, I'm going to be inclined to agree, but also just because that sounds like an amazing fight scene. it's real yes

so the beginning of this does sound like the lyrics to Eleanor Rigby and I will resist the urge to read it given the subject matter James McKenzie spat out a piece

of his tongue onto the street after Bethany Ryan 27 had ripped it off with her teeth during an incident in Edinburgh the gull then flew down

and grabbed the muscle making off before the injured man could retrieve it Edinburgh's sheriff court was told about the grizzly incident incident, sorry, which left the victim maimed for life when Ryan appeared in the doctor to plead guilty to the attack last Thursday.

Oh my God. Wow. Yeah. I read the news today, oh boy. Sequel, ate part of man's tongue. Poor James. Hearing it references a muscle. I don't know why. It kind of shocked me. It makes it worse, doesn't it?

Yeah, it just makes it feel more visceral and... It's a bit horrible. Yeah. Next one, man charged with identity theft after trying to apply for handgun carry permit as former President Barack Obama. Oh, I can so picture that happening in the deep south or something. Oh, God.

Nah, I've got to go on you. I'm going to say real. It's real. A Chattanooga man has been charged with identity theft after he applied for a Tennessee enhanced handgun carry permit under the name of the former US President Barack Obama. Robert Joseph Halleck was sent a denial letter from the Tennessee Department of Safety and Homeland Security Handgun Permit Unit

on November the 19th of 2020 due to an adjudicated or committed mental defective and active warrant in Michigan. On January the 21st, 2021, the state of Tennessee says that Halleck then sent another complete application form and a $50 check but used the name of President Barack H. Obama and forged the former president's signature on the form. Halleck also included a letter on the U.S. State Department's letterhead. Wow. So it wasn't even just like a funny joke. It was like he actually tried to... He went for it.

He really went for it. Or he probably won the most famous names in America. Like they wouldn't know where Obama was. Yeah. Oh, I guess there's another one in America. Yeah. Oh, look at that President Barack Obama's applying for a gun license. Well, he paid $50.

Fair enough. And finally, study finds that Bronze Age remains often found in cheaper clothing because nicer clothing speeds up decomposition. I can believe this. Yeah, it seems too science-y. Seems too straight. I don't think... I don't think it's funny.

I don't think that's an onion article. Yeah, I don't understand. What is it? True is what it is. It's an onion article. What if you're twisted. And it might be my trickiest work, yes. The real headline was

Bronze Age man would have worn nicer pelts if he'd known scientists would find his preserved body in a bog Oh, okay. Wow. Caught off guards

in one of his ratty old goat skin tunics. Bronze Age tribesman Lugo claimed Thursday that he would have dressed in much nicer pelts had he known that scientists would find

his preserved body in a bog 4,000 years after selecting the outfit. Shit! I would have put on a beaten reed under frock and one of my

nice ceremonial bears-furs capes if I had any idea that archaeologists in 2021 would exhume my body after its natural mummification in Pete, said the hunter-gatherer. As he picked grapes off of the stem. That's just a life lesson there, dress every day as if it's how you're going to be found in a hundred years by diggers. Yeah. At press time, Lugo was reportedly objecting to being listed in scholarly journals as the Dartmoor goat skin bog hobo

And there we are That's my thing I like that That's great Sorry was it bog hobo Bog hobo That's how I want to be remembered Is a bog hobo

Michael Johnson Bog hobo It just rolls off the tongue Especially I want I want British academics To inexplicably use the word Hobo in naming me That British English word

hobo. Yeah, that's the one. That's what I'm aiming for. We've got one more question here. Quite fitting that it's coming at the end of the podcast, because Becky, at Becky Wilkison on Twitter, says,

you've been given the power to change the ending of any form of media. You do not like books, films, TV, but you can only pick one. What do you choose? Game of Thrones. Yeah. Just to save everyone's spirits.

The whole final season? or just sort of closer to the end? Maybe closer to the, well, maybe the whole final season. I'm not really sure because I'm not like a diehard Game of Thrones fan. I enjoyed going along for the ride with everyone else at the time. And I thought the show was great. And I remember you and I, Peter, so I think we feel the same, talking at the beginning of the final season

about how people were like absolutely incensed at the previous season because there were huge gaps where they would, suddenly teleport across the map and stuff between episodes. And you and I both agreed that I don't really fucking care. Like, it's still, it's still good. And I still like it. And I'm just not getting caught up in the little details. And then they just, they fucked it so bad in the last season.

And I wasn't, again, I wasn't one of those people that was sad or upset or anything like that. It was just, it was just bad. It was just bad television. And it was just a shame. And I would like them to do it better. Let's do it again, but better. Even like, there were moments and maybe like one or two whole episodes in that final season that I thought were fine, I thought were good, but ultimately the way, you know, more and more things then started happening and twists and turns that I hadn't quite anticipated or hoped for. And then I saw a meme the other day, actually. I don't know why it's still relevant, but anyway, it was it was Tyrion Lannister saying, and who has a better story than what?

Brown the Broken, you know, because that was the reasoning that he became king. And then underneath, it just had the faces of about 28 different characters from Game of Thrones, all of whom had much better stories than the kid who just got pulled around some snow for a while. And then, you know, did a little bit of wagging. Taking vague nonsense. Yeah, it was, he was so weird. I just, I didn't like him at all. He was just this strange, and I know he's supposed to be because he's like been beyond the wall

and he's the ghost inside your child all along and that's just kind of what his character was but oh man that was the thing I was most disappointed with I didn't care what happened I was like I could accept what happened with DeNaris and John Snow and stuff like probably wouldn't have chosen it but like fine okay

but yeah that was the biggest thing for me just he was the person after all that yeah it was it was rubbish so that I'm not going to tell them how to do it, because I don't know how, but not that. Yeah. Do it again, but not that, yeah. Mikey?

Did you guys ever watch Utopia? No. No. Oh, it's a really good, like, British kind of thriller, comedy drama thing. Like, it's quite a fun little, like, conspiracy theory themed program where it's always like this secret underground government agency and people are starting to learn the secrets, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it got like two seasons done in the UK And then like it started like really ramping up And I just got cancelled because no one was watching it

I watched it the other week I was like really want to know what like what it all would have led to There was an American remake but it's not as good as the original British one But if I was going to say something a little bit more fun than me just wanting to see the conclusion of a TV show I like I want the season finale of football to be all about Stoke-on-Trent football club I want to see them rise through the ranks and become World Cup

FIFA Pro Evolution Soccer Masters that's it, isn't it? I would watch them win the World Cup Yeah, that would be... Some stars would have to align for that to happen. Stalk-on-Trent Football Club uniform is just bin-bags, isn't it?

Yeah, I think so. So I want to see that at a big finale in a massive stadium. Historic Club on the River Trent. There you go. I, other than perhaps the obvious answer which is that

at the moment I'm playing through Haven Call of the King the PS2 game that was supposed to be a trilogy and the first of the trilogy that didn't happen ends with the villain winning which is really stupid and then it got cancelled and they didn't do the

two sequels. So other than changing that so that you actually get through this entire game and feel some sense of achievement I would I remember being really disappointed by the Nicholas Cage movie knowing

I'm sure this is not the thing above all else that I would change the ending of because it wasn't that great for film anyway but the worst thing about it was the ending so the premise I really really liked and I remember going into it I think I was sort of in like my mid-teens maybe

and these kids Nicholas Cage is child's school class dig up a time capsule from I think like 50 years ago where kids in their school buried like letters in this time capsule at the school and then every kid in Nick Cage's son's class gets given a letter from the class of 50 years ago

and most people have got like you know a little letter saying what's the future like do you have Havikaze yet here's a drawing of a robot that I did I hope you've got a robot now and Nicholas Cage's child is very disappointed to just be given a sheet of paper covered from top to bottom in just a series of numbers

and then Nicholas Cage is like this cryptographer or whatever the word would be he's like a code breaker professionally and he's like sitting at home one night just looking at this kid's page of numbers and he sees the numbers I'm laughing because it's silly not because of what I'm about to say

he sees the numbers 9-11 on there and another number next to it which is like 3,000 and whatever. And he realizes, wait, this has got 9-11 on it and the death count, the exact death count, death toll of 9-11. And then he looks at other numbers and finds all these natural disasters

and like terror attacks and things that have happened. And this kid has like predicted all these events and he works through and he assigns them all to natural disasters and stuff. And then right near the bottom he realizes there's still like four or five events. to go and so then those events start playing out

like there's a playing crash that you see and then like the stinger from the trailer I remember being like this

the love interest saying to him what happens when the numbers run out and it's like oh my God is it going to be

like the end of the world so it was really I've spoken for ages about the premise of knowing there but like it sounds fun

it's got promise yeah it's on Netflix I'm going to go watch it yeah it could be um and then spoiler alert for anyone who doesn't want to know the ending of knowing aliens

aliens come down and take away his son and a girl and they get taken to a planet and become adam and eve and then the earth dies oh that's that's the end oh they really just jump the shark at the end they really really do it's cool film and then the last third is absolutely ridiculous So purely from a point of view of like going in, I expected big things and I came out with huge disappointment. That is like my number one. Just the expectation and the payoff was poles apart. Oh, Nick Cage. Nick Cage. God's sake. Five nights at Freddy's. Well, is that, have we done the questions? That's it. That's the end of the podcast. Well done everyone. Amazing. Thank you, Peter, for bringing those questions. You're welcome. Thank you. people who submitted them.

Absolutely. And it's now time for me to tell you that you can go to store.orgscast.com if you want to look at some merchandise. Isn't that right, Michael Johnson? Hey, well, I thought you were stealing my bit there. Yeah. So now it's my turn to talk about

all the lovely stuff you can buy with our code. That's right. We've got a discount code on store.orgscast.com. If you head over to the video section, you'll find a lovely little selection of clothing articles and mugs. You can wear and use. and even though the price is already the cheapest, most bargain-marginerific

value-filled numbers you'll ever see, you can make them even better with discount code vidiates at checkout. And it won't just knock 10% off all the little prices you see in front of you on the vidiates section, but also beyond on the rest of the website, it's 10% off the whole shop. Oh my God.

Goodness me. So you could buy a new, card game that the ogs cast are doing and also a t-shirt from us if you're so fancy with code vidiots we're also available on youtube twitter and facebook all dot com forward slash vidiots official and also twitch dot tv forward slash vidiots official we're not streaming on there so often anymore but you can find mikey streams and our streams on parrot boy and team triple jump respectively auto-hosted on that Twitch channel, so just in case you can't

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Thouac. It's Redders with Lackia Zegu-Slovakia brings all the boas to the yard, thank you, for the generous donation, Jonathan Grimwood's author, Samuel de Barber, as generous as always, Unstoppable Michael Malloy, broken bits of brie, bitter like chocolate, KKB, the Princess and the Glock, Cheddar, Slovakia, nope, sorry, fuck, did it again, cheddar suvlaki, delicious savlacki, Cheggers, lo blackier, oh, it's Mr Black. Black.

Oh, Mr. Black. Yeah, it is. You got him. There we go. Cheggers Lo Black here. Did it. Nailed it. Oh, Bella's secret porn stash. Awesome Fox needs good vibes. The Chegg Republic. The old man and the minge.

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£3 or more to join Pod Squad. Mikey, where can people find you? At Paraboy on the Twitters. That's the best place to do a search for me where I post some of the lovely things that I'm doing and I also stream on occasion at Twitch at Paraboy on Twitch. Nailed it, nailed it.

Excellent. And Peter, where can people find us? We are on Twitter individually. at Confused underscore Dude and at that Peter Austin. But we're also working together as a team doing stuff on Team Triple Jump, which is Twitter, YouTube, Facebook, Twitch, Team Triple Jump, where we do streams and we do lists and we do worst games ever and if and when we can ever go back to work,

we may well continue with the likes of Rules Boss and prove it and things like that. I mean, we'll see. what we can do when we get back. But, you know, it's all there. It is all there. Finally, leave us an iTunes review or a review slash rating on your platform of choice. It helps something to do with Al Gore's rhythms. Very much appreciate it. Do we have a final question before we disappear? Can you send us some great Photoshop's of Dave Benson Phillips for us to use in future?

Yes. Our supply well is running low and some fans. and audience submissions would be really nice. Nothing means spirited. No. Just reply to the tweet of this new episode with some nice photos. Lovely foot. Like the kind of ones you'd show Dave's grandparents.

Oh, that's nice. Isn't he doing lovely? Yeah. It's doing great. Wonderful. Well, we're going to go now, everyone. Look after yourselves and we'll see you in a couple of weeks' time. All right, then.

Bye. Bye-bye. See you later. Thank you.