Podiots - Podiots: Episode 79 - Sibling Poop

Episode Date: June 1, 2021

Ben brings more onions, Peter's got some discarded jokes and Mikey has stars in his eyes. Donate £3 or more to get a shoutout and join the Pod Squad! - https://streamlabs.com/podiotsdonations/ New merch: http://smarturl.it/Podiots Twitch: Twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord:  http://bit.ly/VidiotsDiscord   Ben and Peter's channel 'TripleJump': https://www.youtube.com/teamtriplejump Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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discover the new fragrance, mutine, now available in Canada. Hello. Hello. You all right? Yeah. You're all right. Fine. Yeah, I'm all right.

Yeah, good. Yeah, been worse. Well, good, let's run the intro then. Welcome to Podiots, the official videoets, podcast. It's a conversational podcast where we take some questions from you at home and obey the law of the three us, where everybody brings a thing along to talk about. I'm Ben. I'm Peter.

I'm currently closing my window. Sorry, neighbours. I'm Michael. What did you say? Sorry, ladies. Sorry neighbours. We do have ladies next door, so I apologize to the... ladies.

Were you apologising for them because you didn't want them to hear you doing the podcast or were you apologising for the fact that you were shouting out of your window as you closed it. I am currently closing my window. I quite like the idea. Sorry. Yeah. I hope someone saw you doing that.

Hello everyone. I'm currently closing my window. Sorry residents of the surrounding area. But yeah, no one needs to be subjected to this trash unless they're lovely listeners and subscribers, in which case you've all been softened to it. That's nice. Yeah, precisely. Mikey, what I want to know from you is how are your

mad stunts going on your scootboard and just tell us about it? What's going on? Yeah, I had an epiphany of the week that skateboarding's rat as fuck and just because I'm 26 doesn't mean I'm not too old to do it. So I thought

screw it. Went into town, went to a nice skate shop. The man set me up with a lovely board. And on my first outing on it. I cracked a rib. Did you seriously did that? You cracked a rib? Yeah, so laughing and coughing hurts. Oh, God, that. Fuck's sake. I know that. You kept that quiet. I didn't post about that one because it's a bit embarrassing. I did it. Good thing no one will find out. Yeah, God. Yeah, I had like a little scoot around. I was getting my bearings together again and thought, fuck it, let's go to Scare Park. Let's have a bit of fun. And I accidentally, like, caught the wheels on a

slight crack and I landed. I just slammed before I even realized what was going on. I hit the floor and a dad with his children laughed at me and helped me up and I just... Oh no. You got a dad laugh. It was a friendly laugh and I just got up and said I'm too old for this shit and went home and defeated and the first two weeks it's it's been quite painful but hey-ho, that's all part of the fun. At least she didn't break it. Yeah. I mean, apparently breaking a rib is like really painful. Yeah. I think I instantly know about that but it's either it's either bruised or slightly cracked but hey it's that's kind of what i go into it for i wanted to feel something i want some injuries and i'm a rad dude

the brick throwing scene isn't huge in bristol is it no yeah maybe that maybe that'll be like one of my my final stunts when i retire in the skateboarding industry i'll combine them both have someone swinging around a brick on a string and i'll try and skate through it until i get knocked The most dangerous episode of Raven ever conceived. Move over, Tony Hawk. Mikey gets hit by a brick. Can we make, we can make that, can't we? It'll be the last video we release because we'll go to jail.

What a send-off, but yeah. Worth it, let's do it. Peter, have you done any kickflips? How is that going on your end? I've not, but I'm considering just having a few detol baths just for fun, you know. No injuries at all, but why not? Why not just pull some detol into the bath and bait? than it. I might have a debtel bath just for fun just to reminisce. I might tip me right back to my childhood.

Like one whiff. Chemicals. I still can't really conceive of what the merits of a deathal bath would be or what that would even look like. Surely that's such an obscene quantity of detal that it would cost a fortune. I don't know. I think it's diluted. Diluted juice. Oh, oh okay. Well, that clears a lot up in my head. Jesus. Oh God, that would burn my skin off. What have you thought that the entire time? This is why Michael is just low-key, the Joker from Batman, because he's been bathing in acid baths.

No, I mean, although I've never had a detol bath before, my understanding is you put a couple of caps of detol in into a full bathtub of water. I think that's sort of how it works. Rather than a trip to A&E, my man bought 50 bottles of debtor. Well, you know, these are the questions. Questions that you have to clear up the answers to

if you're going to be talking about such alien concepts because I did not, I couldn't even comprehend. No, that's my bad. You don't have to buy 50 bottles of detol. I think all northern households just have a hot tap, a cold tap, and a detol tap just to fill an entire tub. What about the one for gravy? There's one of those.

Oh, yeah. Well, that's in the kitchen, that one. You don't bathe in the gravy. That would be silly. He'd bathe in the detail, but come on. Gravy, that's for consuming. How about you, Ben? Do you do anything rad?

No. Well, if you want to help save Michael's ribs and buy Peter some debt hole for his bath, which I'm now learning, disappointingly actually probably won't take that much debt hole. But even so,

you can support us financially by going to streamlabs.com forward slash poddy. It's donations with an S on the end. If you donate three pounds or more, you join the Pod Squad. You get a shout out at the beginning and then the...

and you'll also be assigned to the Pumpy Platoon, the Tiny Troop, or the Fast Crew. You never know which one you're going to get. Mikey, I believe you have got that first troop there, yes? Yes, there's beautiful lot. Let's kick it off in Star with Georgian Reed was made into paste, stucalicious, K-Doo-E, Ben never actually owed me. Oh, there it was all of ruse. The saga is over.

I got the moves like Cheggers. Oh, that's a, that's a cover waiting to happen. Awesome Fox 42. Specky Becky. Spread cheeks, Mikey Farts. Pro trainer. Yadar listens to Poddwin van der Starr. Desar, sorry.

Podwin van der Saar. Oh, Podwin van der Saar. It's a football. Oh, love football. Get it right in their goal hole. Yeah. The generous Scooby Drewby Drew, who says, My mum and I listen to Podyitz while going for drive sometimes on Friday the 21st of August, I'm going to assume.

We went for an emotional drive. We were taking her dog Kel for his last ride. Thank you, Vidiots, for making the trip bearable. Much love. Oh, Scooby, I'm sad to hear that. I'm sure you're all doing okay. I'll be doing good. Lots of love.

Yeah, what the best. Bella's hospice fun ride. Shitting on a wobbly pot pot. Mr. Chegwin, bring me. A Chegg Always an adventure podcast Jack J.D. Bradshaw Cat Dealey, crude oil

surprise and premature control splat. Thank you. There's a special tablet for that. It's fine. I'm a happy camper is the first of the tiny troupe continuing with. We stand

for MIDI covers. I've got someone does. Nice. There we are. The frankly stupidly generous mayor of Stoke-on-Trent who should, I mean, I feel like I should say exactly how much they gave. It's a stupendous amount. It's a silly amount of money. I won't, I won't say exactly, but it's really, only the mayor of Stoke-on-Trent could afford a donation like that. And the mayor says, keep our name out of your filthy little mouth. Well, for that fee.

I think the mayor should be, you know, using that money on perhaps improving the lives of the people in Stoke-on-Trent because... What do you mean? It's a vibrant mix of the great and the good. How great could it be in Stoke? I think it's a worthy investment because if he stops us from bad-mouthing Stoke-on-Trent, imagine how many people have said,

no, I'm not going to Stoke-on-Trent because of this podcast. Yeah, true. Well, I mean, we were told to leave someone out of it and we have consistently done the opposite. Not done so, yeah. This might not work and be a waste of money, potentially. Well, and also, if we ever do,

some kind of community meet and greet event that we organise ourselves which not saying we will ever do that but if we did I think Stoke-on-Trent would be a great place to do it we can get everyone to you know head there via train

or canal whatever they wish yeah and you know so maybe the mayor should just try and keep in our good books if you want a load of people to turn up and boost the Stoke economy yeah

it continues anyway with Stephen Skodes Emily Lemmonds Peter, please shout Ballbag Hares I mean, I don't want to shout it but I'll, well okay Ballbag hairs

Happy Beautiful, wow Lord Brottovich Nilpois Freddy W eats toenails Yum 69 Nice Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Waterloo I thought it was more like, whoa, don't touch me Little Knight Moors The very generous Big Titty Jezis 42 with a Y Hi lads

Ben I missed your birthday stream Dammit So I'm here I'm here wishing you A wonderful birth space day I know you won't see this until well after your day of birth But I hope you have a great one

No matter what Oh thank you I did Oh And finally Is the name of the next person Who donated Also use camel

case, you fucks. Waguan, you look peng, my G. Small boy, small jugson, Bobby Baba Jugsson, Michael Johnson's Jugs, son, Ryan But With a Pigeon, and This Weeks Pod Squad is, who was very generous and said, this podcast, So Good, You'll Fad and Shid Pant. Blowing recommendation. Brilliant. Thank you. Thank you. Love it. We've also got Big Ben is the name of the bell. Jason Allenby. Potato in, crinkle cut out.

Roy Hudson is not employed. What? Hina mime. What? Hina mim. I got my trumpet. Ooh. Can you make heads of tails of that one?

Hina. Mim. I don't know. No, I can't. I don't really understand. Thank you, though. Fecal jugson. Oct.

Couple jump. Mr. Macca, the very generous, Booth, who says, best podcast, thanks, kings, keys, keys, boof, thanks queen, keys, thank you. Let's just maths debate. Rip VCU, Dave's bare shelves, just keep swimming ash. Piz's, pizza's, pizza's, Peter's Nazi wedding. Oh, the obscenely generous tiny peat, big feet.com, who said, thanks for all the traffic, you lads deserve. of all this and more. Oh. The Outer Chegridis and Donak 07. Thank you everyone. That's your pod squad for this week. Great pod squad.

What a selection. Dreamlabs.com. 4.S. Podiat's donations. Three pounds or more to get a shout out at the beginning in the end of the show. Thank you so much. Peter, over to you. Thank you.

Ben. Thank you, Ben. That's me. That's my name. That's you. I've got some questions here. The first one comes from Jamie at Trequort Beest-A on Twitter.

Something like that. Who says, The government is inviting creators to publicise vaccination. As young, relevant people, what are your slogans that will guarantee everybody gets their jab? Thank you, Jamie. It's all up to us now. The fate of the world is in the hands of poddietes.

We do have a lot of influence, and young people do flock to us. In droves. What's the exchange rate on V-Bucks? Because I do feel like that is a well that's worth, what's the phrase? Plumbing? No, that's depth. Same energy.

Plumbing. Yeah, I like it. I feel like we could go back to that well. Is offer up free V-Bucks, three bucks? Yeah. How many, did you rate two? That seems low. I don't know what V-Bug will get you.

What's the exchange rate on V-Bus? Sure. Anyway, I'll circle. I'll circle back. If we offered a bit, that would definitely get people moving. You can inject me with anything you want for a Bitcoin. You know, that's like 30 grand or something.

True. Dettoll. A thousand V bucks is $7.99. So perhaps one V buck would not be a good deal. No, maybe not. But perhaps 500 V-books. You would encourage people to come back, get more vaccinations. If one V-book a turn.

Yeah. How many times can you get vaccinated? It's super vaccinated. Yeah. How many V-bucks is a pound is something someone asks? I think... TikTok is trendy with the kids, isn't it? They love that.

They love all the silly little videos. I think I did create a dance challenge. Watch me whip. Watch me vaccinate ne-ne. That's good. Watch me... That's good. I like that.

Yeah, I'll get kids bopping and jiving. I would do a hot tub stream on Twitch, I would put on one of my best bikinis and I would say you know, here are all the different incentives. If you follow,

I will splash a bit. If you give bits, I will say your name in a sensual way and... I'll show my bits. Yeah, and if you get your vaccination, I will do

I've seen them you know that one that's on the front page of Twitch all the time? Yes I do. You and I sort of moan about a bit because we're like for God's sake. How can we compete with that? How can we possibly compete with this? So one of the

incentives that she has is change bikini and I imagine that means she would just go and like she'll go out of frame and put a different one on and come back but I would really incentivise people, hey, get you vaccination, I will change my bikini right here on camera.

Okay. You're going to get your nip knobs out. I'm going to get my nip knocks out. Might have to maybe not stream on Twitch, perhaps on, you know, tinypeat, bigfeet.com or something. Yeah, they'll post it myself. They'll for sure have you.

Yeah. God, now that's a good shout. Mikey, as our most, as our youngest literally and most youthful member of the organisation known as what I'm saying known as vidiates we're going to need you front and centre on tic-tok with your skateboard i think yeah oh yeah there's a way we can do this peter's got his nipples out are in his splash zone um i'm just sort of making v bucks rain ideally we want you to take a big old run up with your board and then do like a kickflip over the paddling pool that

peters is oh i think that's rad i think that could get all the kids vaccinated i imagine most kids are up for getting vaccinated, right? I'd like to think so, yeah. It's mainly gammon's, no? I think as I'm there's kids out there, his parents, like, against the vaccines and the teaming, like teenagers as well, like teaming up. I think he was many teenagers because children don't get it, but yeah, they're teaming up against the parents to organise your own vaccination. Rise up, kids.

Good for there. Wow. That's a much cooler kind of teen rebellion than we had when we were, you know, 15. I'm going to get my vaccine, mom. Screw you. So maybe we need to be appealing to the Brexit voters then. They're the ones who aren't getting their vaccines potentially. What could we offer? Maybe a free pint at Weatherspoons, you know, the Brexit pub.

Yeah. Five minute queue in here with Nigel Farage, I'll dress one of us up. Nigel Farage will high-five you. Well, he's on Fiverr, isn't he? Or cameo. Is he really? He's not on Fiverr. He's on cameo, yeah.

Have you not seen this video about, or while there's many. videos of him. Big Chungas. There are confilations of him going, Hi, Nigel Farage here just wishing a

happy birthday to Big Chungas saying all kinds of things really meamy stuff like, you know, the rarest Pepe wishes you happy birthday Big Chungus.

Don't forget to Naruto run all the way to, you know. Poggers. I mean, on the one hand I am appalled at the idea of giving him money but on the other hand

I'm quite thrilled secretly that he's on there because it means that he needs to be on there to make supplemental income. Yeah. Yeah, you keep humiliating yourself. That's weird. What do you?

Makes us all feel good. Horrible man. Well, that's it. We've sorted it. We did it. Easy, pleasing. Well done, us. Pay attention, Boris.

We're fixing all your shit. Yeah, you can pay us whenever you're like. It's fine. It's time for a thing. Who would like to go first? Can I go first? It's been a while. It's been a while.

It's been a while. first. Yeah, go on then. I've brought some weird fake news. Oh, is it real? Is it pretend? Who knows?

It's up for you, for use to's to decide. Oh, yes? Are you with me? Yes. I think so. Excellent. Good. So there's a website.

It's called The Onion. It posts satirical, pretend news stories that you're like, ha, that's so stupid. That's clearly not true, but it's pretty funny. and then it turns out the world is actually so messed up that a lot of real news sounds like something that would go on the onion.com. So, I have five news stories here.

Some of them may be real, some of them may be fake. It's up to you to decide which is which. Are you ready? Got it. Hit me. Here's your first headline. McDonald's robber demands chicken nuggets has to accept breakfast food

because it was still too early. Oh, wow, okay, yeah. Next up, Chinese safari park sincerely sorry for not telling public about escaped leopards. Oh, God. Oh, dear. Oh, no. Boulder's Block Road in Boulder Canyon near Boulder, according to Boulder County Sheriff's Office. CDC urges Americans not to kiss chickens amid salmonella outbreak.

Right Oh I mean chickens are cool I wouldn't kiss them But yeah If someone warns me I'm definitely not gonna do it

I might kiss a chicken Why not She'd have to buy me dinner first And finally Gwyneth Paltrow's company sued after man claims Vagina-scented candle exploded

Okay Right That's the last one We're going to go through them now So the first one was McDonald's robber Demands Chicken Nuggets Has to accept

Breakfast food Because it was still too early. This sounds like the onion to me. I could so see this being real. I can imagine someone going in there, emching the register, and, oy, give me some nugs.

Drop the nugs into my bag. My swag bag. Yeah, I'm going to go real. If they were actually stealing money as well, then I'm fine with it. But the headline to me sounds like they went in just to rob Nuggets and had to rob McMuffin instead. But I'm going to say onion.

A man has been jailed for robbing a McDonald's in England and making off with not only some cash, but also food. Unfortunately for him, not only did he get caught, but he also wasn't even able to get the meal he was hoping for at the time of the robbery. On his way out, Baton reportedly demanded some of the fast food franchise's famous chicken nuggets. Unfortunately for him, it was still too early in the day and the restaurant was only serving items from its breakfast menu. He was unwilling to wait for some nuggets to be cooked.

So he made off with a double sausage McMuffin instead. It's not a bad trade-off, is it? He did quite well out of that. He only stole 600 quid. 600 quid? That's it. It's not worth it, is it? Do you reckon they bagged it up and gave him a, you know, tissues and a straw and stuff?

Toy in the bag as well. I hope so. We've got those Pokemon cards that he was after. Yeah. Did he say in the article, if he got caught or not? Oh, yeah, he got caught almost immediately. Oh, fucking idiot. Yeah.

Oh, but it was worth it for, for, didn't even get some. spend the money, he just got to eat his burger and that was it. Yeah, this happened in February, apparently, but he's only just been, he's only just been processed or something. I don't know. Anyway, there it is. That's one. Next is Chinese Safari Park. Sincerely sorry for not

telling public about escaped leopards. I mean, this is a weird and silly thing that's happened, but I don't quite, I can't see a proper joke structure there. So, unless it's been changed in a way I can't think of

I'm going to say that's real. Yeah, I think it's real. Yeah, yeah, real. Two of the animals have been captured, but the third is still on the loose. Oh no. In one of China's biggest cities. Oh my God, that's horrifying.

This happened. So the Safari Park reported the missing leopards and alerted the public on Saturday, but villagers reported seeing the animals as early as the first of May. It's unclear how the leopards managed to escape. So, there we are.

If you are in, let me just check, Hangzhou, Hangzhou, perhaps China, then, you know, just look out. There's a leopard somewhere. Watch yourself. So there we go. Wow. Imagine the guy, like the keeper doing the headcount at the end of the deer and just, like, oh, there's a few missing.

I'll not tell the boss. Don't want to get in trouble. No, keep it quiet. Keep it quiet. Next up, Boulder's Block Road in Boulder Canyon near Boulder. according to Boulder County Sheriff's Office. I want this to be true. That's what I'm going to say true.

Yeah, this seems in the realm of possibility. Boulder, Colorado is a very, it's a very rocky area. So, yeah, just because of geography, I'm going to see it, it's true. It is true. Yes. A rock slide forced the closure of a road through Boulder Canyon in Colorado on Tuesday. So there we go. There's all your boulders.

That's from KKTV 11 News. your breaking news leader slow news day there we are someone had fun with that I just want to throw in another boulder related news stories hoping it would be related to this one this is a tweet from a while ago that tickled me oh is this the boulder the size of a small boulder

oh yeah large boulder the size of a small boulder is completely blocking this road so good that's great I forgot about that very good CDC urges Americans not to kiss chickens amid salmonella outbreak True, real. I'm going to throw off the kerb ball, say false.

Maybe there's some pun about cocks in here, but I think the onion's better than that. It is real. It is a real one. The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has urged people to refrain from kissing live poultry amid an outbreak of salmonella. Don't kiss live poultry, just kiss it dead.

Just dead, dead chickens, that's fine. 163 people were reported a deal in 43 states Wow, that's a lot of chicken kisses That is a lot of chicken kisses, yes It's the only way it spreads They must have all kissed a cock at some point Oh lovely Next up

Gwyneth Paltrow's company sued after man Claims Vagina Scented Candle exploded So I am aware that the vagina-scented candles exist And I feel like I might have even heard heard that this is true, that they have been exploding. I don't know, I might be making that last bit up, but I'm going to say true anyway, because I know that the candle exists.

No, it just sounds wholly on brand from start or finish for the gloop brand. So yeah, I'm going to have to go with true for this one. Well, first of it is goop, Mikey. Oh, so I'm so sorry, Gwyneth, if you're listening. Absolutely appalling mistake to make. And secondly, it is real. It's a clean sweep of true stories. Wowie.

Hulby Watson from Texas said he bought the infamous $75, This Smells Like My Vagina Candle from Goop's website in January. After burning it for about three hours on his bedside table, he alleged the candle exploded and became engulfed in high flames, according to a court document. He said the blaze left a black burn ring on his bedside table, and the candle jar was charred and black, however no injuries were reported. So the Goop website has a warning apparently that says

for people not to burn the candle for more than two hours, presumably because then it blows up. Jesus Christ. It's a disaster from start to finish. Almost want to say you kind of deserve for it to blow up in your face if you spend money on that. I'm not going to disagree with you. Oh, I'll just search on eBay to see what was around

and you can get roll on perfume of Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina. 69 quid. Is it really? 69 quid. That is so stupid. Okay. Well, there we are. That's my thing. That was a great thing. Thanks for that. Thank you. Oh, God, look at that.

I didn't know it was called This Smells Like My Vagina. That's what it says on the tin, I guess. Yeah, I suppose so. Terrible. Right, well, it's time for another question. This is from Big Titty Jesus 42 at Big Titty Jesus 42 on Twitter. It says, okay, so you're on your way down to Food War I, the world's biggest food fight

you get two foods as your weapons of choice what are each of you picking to go to war with oh I like this I like this a lot yeah yeah

there's different avenues to go down here there's like the brutal foods that will inflict damage you go for a chemical warfare option yeah I think I would have to

just for the sake of it spend one of my two foods on like classic cartoon custard pies just because when are you ever going to get the chance to properly pie someone in the face it would be a shame not to I think I think avocado is a good shout like really overly ripe avocado

because then it's two-parter first of all the impact will just splatter this avocado everywhere like just blind people, people will be screaming and then secondary impact from the seed in the middle almost called it the nut the seed in the middle that'll carry on forward and just bruise and injure. I think it's a perfect weapon of war.

Brutal. I think I would have one of mine be the open container of soup that Mikey spilled in the What Culture Offices that one time? Because it's certainly got a lot of range on it, hasn't it? Exactly, yeah. And it did put a man out of commission for an afternoon, so it is effective and it's been tested in the field. Yeah, we know what it can do, the power.

Yeah. Sorry, Adam. Oh man, what else? Maybe just something really, it's almost offensive to be throwing it around, like, you know, caviar or something like that. A toblower. Well, yeah, I mean, I didn't mean offensive in the sense of,

as an offensive weapon. It's just really wasteful to be throwing beluga caviar around the place and wasting it and making a mess. I do like caviar. Because that's kind of like a spike strip. If someone stands on that, they're in for a world of pain. A Toblerone, you mean? Yeah, Toblerone.

What did I say? Caviar. Caviar. Jesus. It's like, man, spiky caviar. Something wrong with that fish. It's all the rage. Yeah.

What about durian? That's meant to stink, right? Oh, good. Steak man. Or some nasty, some nasty smelly cheese. Throw that. Yeah. Eggs as well.

They're pretty horrible. Oh, yeah, they're a fun one. Eggs. Yeah. Not very inventive, but, you know, because the pies and eggs, Why not? It's war. You know,

I've got to go what's effective. Yeah. I think I'm going to go super, super dangerous. I'm going to chuck some peanuts about

because statistically someone on that battlefield's going to be deathly allergic to them. I'm going to fucking wreck him. Jesus, what's a fish that everyone's allergic to?

What's that fish that has sort of poison in it? If it's not... Like a blowfish? Yeah, what if you just threw one of those just sticks someone. what about um if if other people on the battlefield are using anything remotely moist which i'm sure

plenty of people will be uh loads and loads of popping candy as like an explosive that might go off and kill a few people not blow a few legs off oh i love this i want this to become like a short film now like food fight progresses into a world war and all the horrible ways people reuse food to just inflict damage there's some ingenue here. I love it. Yeah. It's almost like a Pixar movie. Yeah, like the little short film that goes

at the beginning of a Pixar film. Yeah. Where everyone dies. Yeah. Lovely. Yeah. Great. Well, it's time for another thing. I've got an old format here that we weren't really able to do

until, well, I don't know when this article was actually written, but I only just thought to look it up. So at the time, There was no Edinburgh Fringe in 2020. Of course. So I sadly could not bring along either the best or worst jokes of the 2020 Fringe. However, I did a quick Google today and The Guardian has an article here on the jokes comedians would have told at Edinburgh.

So they've been in touch with like a lot of comedians here. There's plenty of, because I thought this wouldn't last long enough, this article, but there's like a good 15 or 20 comedians here each have submitted a joke. I am going to tell the jokes in the least comedian-like way possible, and we will see which ones get a laugh. Are you ready? I can't wait. It's a really strong start from Marcus Brickstock, who says,

How many fringe performers does it take to change a light bulb? 5,000 want to change it, and 4,99 to tell them their light bulb changing act has been woefully overlooked by the industry and got a standing ovation when there were no critics in. I mean, I'm a big fan of Marcus Briggs-dog, but I like that one. Yeah? Yeah. Could tell by the rip-roaring laughter. Yeah, it's not great, but it's also somehow not as well.

bad as some of the award-winning jokes you've brought in the past. No, I mean, it's at least, you know, he's actually making a point about Edinburgh and it's, you know, what's the word? Almost a, I don't know, satirical, what's the word? Yeah, yeah, it's biting, certainly. Sophie Duker continues, I'm so sad that the Edinburgh Fringe isn't happening this year. For those unfamiliar, it's the biggest arts festival in the world. It's also the most diverse arts festival in the world. It's got people from literally all over North London.

Got him. Yeah, got him. Thanks, Sophie. I'm another bit of satire then. Stephen K. Amos says, Just because you do a bad job once, it does not make you a bad person. My uncle recently beheaded a woman.

Not a bad person, bad magician. It's the way they tell them. It's the way they tell them. It's all in the delivery, huh? It is. I think I'm doing a pretty good job personally. Yeah, and you're doing fantastic. I think you are too.

Also, I don't think it's satire. It's biting commentary, I suppose, is what it is. Yeah. For one Edinburgh Fringe, could you just get on stage and tell all these jokes from previous Edinburgh Fringes and see how it goes? Probably could, you know. I'd love that. I think that's my favourite so far, that one.

Okay. That got an actual audible bit of exhalation from my mouth. Mm-hmm. Ivo or Evo Graham, I'm not sure who that is, says, I'm amazed Dominic Cummings kept his job In most Tory governments You'd get fired immediately If they find out you went to Durham

Yeah Fine, no That's a pretty Tory joke in it of itself It is Yeah A bit elitist I mean I didn't go to a very good university So like

Hearing jokes about people saying Oh Durham eh I'm just sat over here like Fuck off Yeah Go fuck yourself Ahir Shah says

All of my desires in 2020 Sound like the desires of someone from the 1920s The other day I genuinely thought I wonder when I will next be in a motor car I'm like that's this commentary there again Yeah It's cute It's all right

It's fine Yeah Maisie Adam says I live with my boyfriend and my brother Both of whom I love very much But in very different way The only thing they have in common is they've both shared a bath with me

at some point in their lives. One was a very erotic experience and the other, he did a poo whilst we were still sat in it. It ruined Valentine's Day. I didn't even know how to unpack that one. Yeah. Even as a renowned poo boy, fart joke lover Michael Johnson, that one didn't even tickle me.

Was that a bit much for you, would you say? Finally, we found a joke which is just quite frankly. The line. Feeces in a bath crossed with incest. That's the line. Incest scat is too much.

I think that's a fair line to have, though. I'm okay with that. And there's the title for the podcast. I'm sure YouTube will love it. Stuart Goldsmith says, I live in a sort of creative community up a hill in Bristol. It's not a gated community,

but it is quite a steep. Hill. Thanks, Stuart. Mikey, do you like that one as a Bristolian? Yeah, what did you think, Mikey? I don't really get it. What? Is he just implying that because the hill's so steep,

it sort of acts as a gated community? Some people won't bother coming up there. But if that is what he meant, that's a bad joke. That's funny. Barely a joke. I mean, he is perked up when I heard the word Bristol, but he ruined it.

Oh, thanks. So did Bristol. to be fair Olga Koch or possibly Olga Koch K-O-C-H says I transition my summer dresses

into winter dresses by simply being depressed in them that's all right That one was pretty good Yeah that's quite good David Morgan I'm gay And I really love it

But I don't like it When people refer to us As the gays Like it's a nationality As if we're all from the same country I can't really imagine what that country would be like other than heavily dependent on immigration.

What? Yeah, I don't quite get that. I don't know if he means in terms of like procreation, maybe. Oh. I don't know if that's even what he's going for there. Hmm. No, that makes sense. Like the population wouldn't be able to keep up if it was just all getting up.

But is it funny, though? But is it funny? That might not even be the joke, because if he's only talking about gay men, then maybe that would make sense. But if it's gay men and gay women living in a country, then they could still do like IVF and stuff. I'm really unpacking this joke. I hope it's getting funnier by the second. Can we tweet him? Can we tweet him?

Yeah. Excuse me. David, what does this joke me? I don't understand. Explain it to me. Explain it to me. Explain why it's funny. Explain it to me like I'm straight and I just don't understand. Right. Glenn Moore says

I think the next Jurassic World film should be called a reptile dysfunction I mean that's at least at least it's a groaning one line I think I mean it's fucking wordplay so that's that's

we can we recognise that at least I can see the joke CintuV says the biggest downside to very young children and let me just say I don't know where the rest of these jokes are going because they only read half the article, so we'll see where this very young children one ends up.

The biggest downside to very young children is they are quite boring. Like, they want to show you they love you by talking to you all the time, but everything they know, you already know. Literally zero value added in any of those conversations. Wow. That's the joke there, that's it.

They're poor children. Holy shit. That sounds like the transition between one set of jokes and then a really funny example. example, but there's no example. So it just comes across as them dunking on their kids. They're stupid shit children. If someone delivered that in a really dry way,

I can see that even just that alone without an example would be perhaps humorous. Again, it's the way it's told. But it seems weird that that would be the one that they chose to submit to this article. It doesn't really translate, does it? No. To being read.

Romash Ranga Nathan has a thing about, a bit about his kids hurting themselves and him just sort of like laughing about it's funny because they deserve it and it sounds awful but it is really the way he delivers it really works but yeah written down I imagine it just doesn't come across so great

yeah we move on with Tom Houghton or Horton says I grew up watching musicals Miss Saigon Oliver Le Miz because there's nothing upper class people like more than going to the theatre and watching other upper-class people

dressed as working-class people singing about how hard it is not being upper-class people. Yeah, that's true. That's fine. That's the thing that happens, yeah. Anjambi McGraw, or McGrath, I've heard that surname pronounced both ways.

The British people don't circumcise because it's cold. That's it. That's it. Right. Right. Okay. I like that one just because of how blunt it is.

It's not true, but yeah. Yeah. Sure. Why not? Why not? Sam Morrison, the most effective way to make a straight man uncomfortable, colon. When one knocks on your bathroom door, say, come in. Right.

I mean, it doesn't matter the sexuality of the person inside the bathroom. Yeah, it doesn't matter. It makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, that works fair. That just makes someone uncomfortable. Yeah. Wow, good, good going.

That's amazing. Jesus. Meek Kaplan, I think, I'm saying that right. It says, I'm vegan. Oh, one for you, Mikey. Do you know them? This is going to be good. Yeah, I'm vegan, but I'm not here to tell you that I'm living my life better than you.

I'm merely here to imply it. Yeah. There you go. Yon. Yon. Bobby Mare says, I bought a porn magazine called Barely Legal Russia.

But when I opened it, there was just pictures of men holding hands. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I like it. Yeah, that works. That was lost on me for a moment there. That's, yeah, I like that. Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, good. Yeah. Flo and Joan, I guess they're a double act. They say, you're not a real fan of the news if you haven't been watching it from the beginning. Just gatekeeping the news there. Yeah, okay.

Are you sure they're gatekeeping or is it just up a tall hill? Very good. Oh, very good. I laughed more at that than the original joke. That's because we're really clever, Peter. It is. It's so easy to judge from a top hour ivory towers. Comedy castles.

We've got three left here. Angela Barnes says, the main cause of climate change in the UK at the moment is Prince Andrew burning all his clothes and documents. I think that's okay. I only heard the punchline but I still found it funny. Oh, okay. I like that.

The main cause of climate change in the UK at the moment. Yeah, no, that works. That's brilliant. Yeah, I'm more for Duncan and for all family. More of that. Johnny and the Baptists say, if I were God, I'd spend all my time, appearing at Richard Dawkins

he'd never tell anyone but it would really piss him off that's all right I suppose yeah yeah that's fine it'd be funnier if it was true but I think if God appeared to Richard Dawkins he probably I think if God appeared to anyone

they'd be like oh god okay I better probably have a change of heart I would have thought better change my ways rather than just keep up this pretense oh god you're not real go away yeah I don't think anyone would say that

no And the final joke here Eleanor Tienin says, I came out just before lockdown. Suddenly, I was free to be who I really was but only as long as I stayed in my room. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Not a fan of that one either. So there we go. I will be back sometime in a few months to read the best and worst Edinburgh Festival jokes assuming it's happening this year.

in an equally well-delivered way. I can't wait. Yeah, there's no topping those ones. Those were fantastic. I'm really glad the fringe didn't happen last year. You can tell, I think, it makes sense, though, because surely if you've got like a cracker of a joke, you're not going to share it in an article of a word at all this joke.

You're going to save it for the next fringe. Yeah, this is an article of comedians' jokes that they aren't fussed about letting go from the fringe. that they're willing to give away. Yeah. This is definitely not the best of the best. That's true. Oh, God. Very good.

Well, it's time for another question. This is from Adi at 2 Adi underscore P on Twitter, who says, which UK children's television show? And we've had a lot of questions about this. I was wondering where this woman was going. But which UK children's television show would you do a dark and gritty cinematic remake of and what would it be like? Oh my God.

I'm just Googling TV shows to jog my memory. I mean, we probably should just take Milo and Bella in the hospice as red, I think. Yeah, that's happening. Yeah, that's already. I mean, it already exists, really, on the video's YouTube channel. What about a gritty reboot of Dick and Dom, obviously? Right. It's called Richard and Dominic.

and children go in but they never come back Oh, I like it, I like it I haven't really thought more about it than that But it's just some sort of spooky bungalow The creamy muck-muck is just acid It burns the children Yeah Richard and Dominic in the dungeon now

Oh god, yeah But Richard and Dominic are actually just one person Who's got two personalities Oh, even better In their head it's all a fun light TV show but in reality, it's horrible. Yeah. And they've got a puppet of the neighbor's cat that they speak through as well.

Oh, God, but it's just poorly taxidermied. Yeah. Oh, that sounds horrible. I want to do Bernard's watch, but he uses the watch to commit horrific, horrific crimes and gets away with them. Oh, no. Or equally horrifying. One day, time doesn't unfreeze, and he's stuck there.

Oh, shit, it's never aging, cursed to wander the earth. At what point would madness set in? Like, you know, especially if it was early on in him having the watch. Like, he might just still be able to have fun for a while, like, you know, go around, going in shops and doing what he wants and, you know, going to places he's never been allowed in. And then eventually just realizing, oh, God, I've not. Not spoken to another human for three weeks. When's this going to start moving again?

He eats his meals at the dinner table where his parents are frozen time forever, having one-sided conversations with them. Oh, no. I think you'd very quickly spiral, wouldn't you, once you realize the gravity of your situation? Yeah, I think after a couple of days, it'd be like, okay, well, this is it.

Great. Bonkers. What if Bernard's watch combined in this gritty, cinematic universe reboot? with the Queen's nose. I was just thinking about the Queen's nose. Oh, well, I'll let you elaborate properly, but what if they teamed up?

Imagine those two, someone who could freeze time and someone who could wish for anything. Yeah, no. I mean, that's basically I was going to say, like the powers. There's like, there are several kids TV artifacts

that if combined, you become omnipotent. The Infinity Gordon children's TV. Oh, God. It's amazing. I'd like to see art attack with Neil Buchanan, but he does all of his art using the bodily fluids of his victims. Oh, no.

The big art attacks, just, oh. Try it yourself. And head is just a severed head that's been brought to life, of course. Yeah. Using salt in people's wounds. Yeah. And he doesn't even have the real theme song. It's just one of his bad bands tracks.

Yeah, the control splat going off at all time, viscerate, coating the screen. Do you want to taste my control splat? Oh, God, it's just Neil shitting into a hand and going, here's the fucking control splat, just slamming it down on the, every time he needs it, and he has to do a fresh one. Smearing it over a bleached human skull, trying to draw a face on it. Oh. Please, Neil. I love these ideas

I'd also like to see Basil Brush but it's like this harrowing survival story about fox hunting and he's just on LeBron It's like a What about blue Peter

But it's about a man called Peter Who's blue And he just He kills everyone He's just a serial killer It's his calling card He leaves blue footprints Yeah

He's not really blue. He's just painted blue, like Tobias Funkeh from Arrested Development. Right. He murders people. And he's sort of got this house of horrors of people that he's murdered and sort of posed dramatically. And when he invites people around, which for some reason he does, he says, here's one we made earlier. But he does it for every single person in his house. And so it progressively takes longer and longer

to give tours of his home and all of the ones that he prepared earlier. Season finale is Blue Peter blowing himself up. Blue Peter. Oh. Nice. There it is. He also has lots of dogs,

but they die off camera. And then suddenly there's just a new dog and they never explain it because they're afraid to talk to them. The viewer's about death. And he travels around in the titular ship, but like on land, It's just this weird thing that he's made that's got wheels on it

and he kind of goes around. It's a smart car, body modification. Mm-hmm. What about 50-50, but 100 kids go in and only 50 come out? Yes, that would make it bearable. Yeah, it would. We get killed in the avalanche or something. Oh, amazing.

Yeah. Wow, there's so many options. So many options, yeah. Crikey, well. Tracy Beaker, but she never got adults. Oh no. Oh no. Oh, God. That's horrible. This is a TV show waiting to happen. Just like 10 minute segments of different shows just made horrible. What about news round, but they just don't sugarcoat it?

They just tell you that like the war in Iraq is not going well and, you know. Oh, no, not Lee. Lizo would never lie to us, though. Just showing graphic images from God almighty Fucking hell There's so many There's so many potential options You could do one for any show really

There's got to be a good chuckle vision one Prank Patrol But they just take it way too far Yeah It's not funny They're just abusing people Wow Well thanks for those

I'll sleep well tonight I think we all will yeah Mikey it's your turn Today there's a special treat Can you hear this No Well I'm shaking vigorously

An actual real life thing that I brought along Oh Show and tell So I thought For the good of the podcast I'm going to fall victim to a scam Okay It's for a good cause.

It's for a good cause. I thought, why not honour a legend by using some of my hard-earned money to do something for them? So I'm just going to read... I got a little package of different bits of paper. I'm just going to read out the letter I got. Dear sir slash madam,

on behalf of this registry, we would like to officially present confirmation and congratulations on the successful registration of your very own unique star. Oh. Oh. Every star named with us and our partners will only be entered in the star register once.

We guarantee that no star will ever be named twice. And so I went on, I'm not going to name the name of the company because this kind of thing is a horrible scam, but I thought it would be funny for the podcast. But in front of me, I have an extra bright star name deed. be it known to all that this star designated in the scientifically renowned blank registry as 1646622 origa residing in the boundaries of the above constellation is hereby named Dave Benson Phillips 3rd of February 1965 so we've not left him out of it we've in fact sent him into the stratus for it This star's astronomically verified position is right ascension, six hours, six minutes, 41.26 seconds,

declination 33 degrees, 48 minutes, 52.26 seconds. Magnitude 9.212. So according, I mean, this is why this is a scam. It's no scientific organisation recognises this bit of paper. It's purely, in this company's records, they have a star in the universe named Dave Benson Phillips Wow, that is amazing That's fantastic I can look at the location of the star Using their handy app

So I'm just going to open it up on Google Sky And I don't know I don't know what I'm going to be able to describe over here Because there's a lot of stars in the universe But I'm going to send a screenshot of it So I thought I'd pipe I'd get my money's worth I went for the bright star rather than just

normal star because Dave, after all, is the brightest shining star ever he's worth it. Yeah. It's absolutely worth it. Okay, I'm just going to send us in the Discord. Once it loads. Yeah. I don't I didn't really have much much of a plan. I just thought this would be a funny thing to do. And

I think I'm right. I'm hilarious. I've got a lovely I'm going to take a picture. There it is. Yeah, the one right in the middle. That's Dave. Wow. You've got the star right in the middle of the sky. Yeah, right in the middle of the universe. I paid the big bucks for it. Wow.

Yeah. Now I get to hang a lovely certificate on my wall with his name on it. I'm so sorry, Dave. So I spent 15 minutes thinking, what could I do this after? And I just thought, fuck it. I'll just stay on brand. Why do anything else? Should we tweet Dave and just ask him if he, there it is. Wow. If he was still doing things for stuff, what would, what could we get in exchange for us? the naming rights to a star. Yeah, Dave, I'm not sure. Your list is no longer live, but we're just trying to remember whether naming a star after you

is one of the stuff that you would do a show for. Yeah. Hey, it's invaluable, I think. There's nothing quite like it. And I forgot as well, the message on the, with the attached to this star

is just for our shining star. Do you think he'd come dine with us? If we provided the Nando's, yeah. I wish he would do anything with us, but I don't think he would. I don't know, maybe he would. Maybe for the right price. I just like, I like to think maybe this is like a turning point. You know, like this is done out of love.

And I hope he knows that. We love you very much, Dave, if you're listening. Come hang out with us. Yeah, Dave, it's about time you came on the podcast to promote stuff. He's not listening. So it doesn't matter. No, no. He's not fucking listening.

I think that's even more of a scam than it was in the first. in the first place in that Googling 164-6622 OREGA doesn't even come up with anything like I was willing to bet that that was a real star somewhere but they just picked one and they probably used the same

certificate for everyone but that isn't even a star seemingly it's just you bought the naming rights to a picture of a star Mikey I've essentially bought a little folder of flimmed deep printed documents yeah you bought just a big old folder of shit but it's fun how much did it cost just that have interest

12 pounds 99 pens okay all right I mean that was with a Groupon voucher usually like 20 quid that's a lot but it's not as bad as I was fearing no no I don't worry I wouldn't spend too much money but it's great you can have on the app you can scroll through what everyone else's um stars are named which is quite intrusive to be honest. To be honest, are all just names of people. Oh, there's nothing fun in here.

There's not like wank star or anything. Oh, damn it. One called Dad Paul. Dad Paul. Star. Gina Malifronte, aka my boo-boo kitty forever. Wow.

My boo-boo kitty forever. That's amazing. I'm looking at Dave Benson-Philip's Wikipedia page. Now, Peter and I have run into problems with editing Wikipedia pages and people editing them on our behalf. Oh no. Because Wikipedia get really upset. But I'm

just wondering if we can maybe go in here and just say that he now has a star named after him. I think that would last a full three minutes before being edited back. It may require a source. Maybe. I can send a screenshot of it if that counts

as a source. Yeah. I'm just looking through the rest of the crap paperwork they sent me it's all just information about space like a little star map it's kind of cute but yeah don't do it kids spend your money on literally anything else buy yourself a nice bag of cool

have we seen the price of it though 40 quid a gram you can get yourself 0.2 grams are cool with that come on I'm now just going down a Dave hole again it's dangerous that happens you've seen his website no what's happened now

Hang on, I'm just sending you a photo because this is the splash page and it's just like you just look at it and go that's classic Dave He's doing Panto by the way Dave He's back in he's doing Pinocchio Oh there he is Oh wow he's updated his website Yeah if you click on business trade

Skill Set and Interesting Works It takes it to a page that says under construction Oh good So we'll never know Coming soon Well we might know one day Hold your horses It's a bit of patience.

Some days soon. We can email him. We've done that before, but he wasn't very... His quote-unquote agent replied. Oh, yeah. Oh. I don't know if that was him or not, but... Oh, man.

Entertainer, presenter, broadcaster, event host, actor, musician, voiceover artist, DJ, star. That's what it needs to say. Yeah, literal star. Do you think he would DJ my wedding? Oh, yeah, absolutely. we sincerely thought about trying to get in touch with the relevant PR company for Dick and Dom because they do DJing and we thought there's like an outside chance that if we can raise enough money that they might do it because especially we put our wedding on hold I can't

remember if I've said that publicly or not but we've put it back a year so that everyone can be there and so we've got like an extra 12 months now to budget that we didn't expect we were going to have. So we've kind of almost paid for everything, and now we can save for another 12 months. So now that we've got 12 months to get extra money, you know, get the Dave money at least, if not the Dick and Dom cash. Yeah. A year of living off super noodles is well worth it if the payoff is either Dave or Dick and

Dom at both, maybe. We could save enough money. God, what, Jesus, that would be. Incredible. Wouldn't it? It would be amazing. You can hire them through that website. I don't know if you've looked.

Oh my God. Yeah, I looked a little bit. Oh, Mr. Motivator's on there too. Oh, wow. You know, I'm Mr. Motivator. Who else is in here? There's got to be some great people in here. Nigel Farage.

Is he there? Do you reckon he's on Classicpromotions.com.com. Hello, Big Chungus. Happy birthday from me, Nigel Farage. play that on a projector beautiful price range for Dick and Dom is 5 grand to 25 grand

Oh really how do you find that That's on arena entertainments.coorg We're doing some wedding research here Oh man that's way too much Right Especially if it's 5 grand minimum Like it's going to be a lot higher than that For corporate events

Oh they do actually it says great for weddings Great for weddings private parties Wow they could do it Guys I mean they're young Young up and comers, we could give them a lot of exposure for free. Yeah. So I'm talking about them on this podcast, so maybe that could knock some money off the top there.

Yeah. Get the money back. We could record a poddiet with them at your wedding. I'm sure you want to do that. Yeah. He's spending five grand. We've got to get them on poddietz, surely. Yeah.

Take a sound recorder with us and do five minutes chatting to them with blaring 90s music in the background. He's thinking of this is calm. Wow. Well, that's all I've got. It says they were, they presented Dick and Dom and de Bungalow, and Are You Smarter than a 10-year-old? And Amy tells me this like in-joke that she's got with her dad where they were once just sitting around on like a Saturday night or whatever watching TV. And that show was on and they put it on. But Dick was not there that day. He must have been off sick or something. So at the end, it just said, presented by Dom.

Didn't say Dominic Wood. It just said, presented by Dom. Dom. God, that's a sad sentence. Yeah. That is sad. Wow, this website's great. You can get pretty much everyone to hire.

You can hire Tracy Beaker look. Only three grand for Tracy Beaker. Do you want to, she will be a celebrity DJ for your wedding, Peter. That's confirmed. Very much not in character in that photo. That doesn't look remotely like. Because she's not sad and in a care home. Because she's not 13 years old with a red jumper on, yeah.

I know. She arrives at the wedding. Right, change a plan, Danny. I've got this script for you about a sad version of Tracy Beaker. Could you act it out for everyone? Yeah. Oh, that's what we could do.

We could hire all of these characters and do the gritty pictures. Oh, you could redo it ourselves with enough money, yeah. How do you feel about Anamatronic from the Scissor Sisters? Wow. I couldn't have named a single person

from the Scissor sisters. Me neither. What revelation? Anna Matronic. It's a reggae, reggae sauce, man, you could have. Oh, Levi Roots. I know who that is. Vanessa White of the Saturdays. Right.

Okay. There's more in here that I've never heard of. How do you feel about... How do you... Keep scrolling. How do you feel about... Is Paul Chuckle on there? Come on.

Tom Parker of the Wanted. How do you feel about him? Yeah, again. Not a name that I would have been able to pick out from The Wanted. Okay. You can hire five. All of them It looks like it's all of them

There's a bit Where you can hire EastEnders EastEnders Wait what does that even meet All of your favourite East Enders soap stars From the Square All of them All of them

You can hire steps And the Venga Boys Oh Okay There's loads of people on here you can hire You can get Ainsley Harrier Alan Davies Alan Titchmarsh

Alan Carr, Al Murray, all of the owls They're alphabetical I've just realized For all of the owls Yeah I feel like you could Like this could be like You could have some kind of weird Vidyitz universe reunion

They don't even know we've talked about them Yeah get kneel in Was it bear There's Bear Grills on here Yeah Bear Grills is on here Nice 20 grand Oh

Drink your piss on stage Do it? Yeah I'm so dehydro I'm just going to have to have a little piss drink up on have a great wedding day Peter I'm just going to have just a little wee drink on the stage It will give me darre but that's what you've hired me for Not really a big fan of the catering so I'm just going to go forage for berries and ants in the bushes

I'm just gradually scrolling oh Connie Huck's on here Oh we've got to get Connie Huck involved right And we just is there sort of an add to cart option I don't see how much we can spend I still can't get over the fact that five are on here and the photo only has three people in it you can hire for your wedding three

I was going to look up chuckle let's see if he's on he's not on here there's no chuckle on here Neil Buchanan doesn't appear to be here either I've just noticed very sad Peter Seraphonowitz isn't either is he can get

no He looked for under B for Brian Butterfield. No, there's no Butterfield on there, unfortunately. Look, oh, they have a lookalike section. Oh, fuck, yeah. Oh, there's only one. It's just called lookalikes. That's all it's called.

Ranging from TV personalities such as Del Boy or the Ab-Fab girls through to Hollywood icons, including Brad Pitt and Audrey Hepburn. Don't forget about the music and sporting lookalikes as well. There's a media gallery of pictures It's about what you'd expect From a lookalike section of a website There's a good, the weakest link lady here I can't remember what she's called

Anne Robinson And Robinson, that's it Oh, there she is What, that's not it, come on It's just a woman winking She's just wearing wig and winking For 500 quid you can hire Spoof paparazzi to take photos of you

What? You can get a man who comes not as John Cleese but as Basil Faulty to your event. It's that Jack Nicholson? Just a man with sunglasses. I have to take a screenshot.

Oh my God. This is great fun. How do you feel about a human statue for 300 pounds? 300 pounds? Yeah? You could almost get Dick and Dom for that. Not quite. Wow, look at him. This is amazing.

He's clearly wearing a bold cap. These are terrible. We need to add these to the thread, I think, for the viewers at home, listeners at home. There's one here just called Race Night. What does that mean? Race Night. Experience the fun and excitement of an evening's race meeting without having to step onto the turf. Our Tic Tac men will introduce the event and compare through the...

With tote girls dressed in jockey silks handing out your race programs and fun money. This is just, someone's just written loads of nonsense down. I think it's meant to be something to do with horse racing. Right. No, it's just how many words do I know to put them all together? I know those words, but not in that order. Shit, well, your wedding's going to be fucking brilliant, Peter. It is, yeah, I'll get all these people in.

I've gone on to the why us section of the website, and my favourite bit of this is... That's what I'm asking myself right now. Why us? Why us? One of the selling points are why you should choose a re-reel. the entertainment company backup plan for the unforeseen peace of mind with a full backup service in case of emergency what so in case anne robinson doesn't turn up to your wedding if dick and dom can't make it they'll send a lookalike they'll just send two other random acts

instead so sorry we couldn't get you the vengal boys but we got you two of the saturdays instead we got you two of the saturdays and three of five Yeah, that's it Holy shit Wow My new favourite website That's amazing I wish I had the money to throw at

One of these people Oh beautiful Well, that's my thing I guess Wow Great, I love that Thank you Mikey, good job Thanks So Mikey and Ben

Sorry not just Mikey The final question is here What did you do once Out of curiosity that you immediately regretted and swore to never do again. P.S. I love you, boys. That's from Momo Beans, or MoMo Beans, at Beans underscore Mo Mo Mo. Thank you. Love you too. That's a very good question.

Hmm. Must think about this one. So something we've done and then immediately said, not going to do that again. Yeah. So, I mean, sometimes it's difficult to answer these questions without retreading old ground. Like, for instance, I mean, I nearly finished that question by saying, and Ben, we know about the time you put bread and oil in a pan together. Yeah, no, don't worry. But, you know, things that we've tried once and regretted. Sourcrow, I mean, obviously it didn't have to be food,

but I tried sauerkraut once, and I really regretted it. In fact, I think I might have mentioned this story as well before, but I was in a hotel in Austria and I ordered like it was meant to be this platter of like meats and cheeses and there was cheese and meat on it and then grated on the corner of this board was like yellow stuff

it looked like grated cheese so I just took a pinch of it put it in my mouth ate it and oh my God it was I think it was probably worse that I was expecting the flavors of cheese and I didn't get it. It's when you, like when you trip on the steps and stuff because you think it's a different number of steps, but man, it was really bad. And then that night, for I'm sure unrelated reasons, I was really sick and I had to stay

in bed for the next day and a half of the holiday. And since then, just by association, like even if I think about what it tasted like at the time. It makes me feel a little bit like, you know, if I forced myself, I could probably throw up right now at will. Oh dear. But I'll try and think of a non-food one. I don't know if you guys have thought of an answer yet. I feel like I must have talked about this before, but at the time I got really, really drunk at a house party and jumped down an entire set of stairs. Oh, you've not talked about that. You've talked about the, uh, a house party with that, that photo. Oh, where did the cinnamon challenge?

Yeah, that was it. You can see the pain leaving my eyes. Was that a different house party? Yeah, a different house party entirely. Got very drunk. And in a spur of the moment, I was stood at the top of a staircase. And I just got the thought on my mind. I'm going to jump down this.

This is going to be sick. I landed. There was a massive pop. And I tried to stand up, just crumple to the floor. searing in pain and turns out I had tore the ligament in my ankle completely

and did you jump down an entire flight of stairs in a house? Is that what happened? Yeah, yeah, just yeated myself down it. The entire thing. Jesus. Yeah, it was quite a big stairs as well at least 14 stairs, I would say. Yeah, just landed and just heard

this massive pop echo through my body and yeah. I went to, I was absolutely off my face drunk, went outside, laid on the grass, for an hour trying to recover, didn't get any better, got a lift home, woke up the next morning. My parents were away for two weeks at the time as well, so completely on my own. I woke up in the morning, just the worst pain ever, my ankle, like, swollen to the

size of a melon, hobbled into a taxi, went to hospital. Doctor laughed at me and said, yeah, it would have been better breaking your ankle. This is really bad. So for three months, I think, it took to heal. And, you know, that was a really, really great time in my life. Good calling me, but... You need that death hole. Yeah, there's no debtal in the house

without my parents, I was lost. You're fucking mad, aren't you? What'd your parents say when they got back? God, I can't remember. I feel like I rank... I think I rang my sister because I didn't want to worry my parents. I was like, what do I just caught a hospital?

I think I just laughed at me and called me an idiot. They weren't angry at me. I think I'd do these things, you know? They're used to it. Yeah, never doing that again. I have thought of one, but then it's your time. turn if you've got something. Yeah, well, it's, it's not going to sound good.

So I want to preface this by saying I'm not necessarily swearing off it for life, but certainly I'm in no rush to go back. I gave blood in, uh, in, oh, I would have been 20, early 2017, something like that. And I found the experience to be so unpleasant that I have just not wanted to give blood since almost to the extent that I was like. I can't, that was awful. It took the nurse ages to find a vein and then it was really, really uncomfortable.

I was like, and I've never had this problem before but maybe it was just that session. I was acutely aware that I had a needle in my arm and I felt like it felt really prickly and unpleasant and it was awful. I had a really, really terrible time and now I don't want to give blood anymore because it's despite being a very good thing

that as many people who can do it should do it as possible I yeah I did not I know it's not meant to be enjoyable but I did not enjoy that I had the exact opposite experience of it being enjoyable

That's a shame At least you've done it once I've done it once I suppose I've done it once I would like to do it again But yeah that it sucked I did not have a good time I once I was thinking about this the other day

Just because I went to the dentist for a checkup because I've not been for 18 months so I just thought hey I should probably go right and it was all fine and dandy but it just made me think about teeth and about when I was and about 13 maybe a bit younger

because it was we'd either just been trick-of-treating like a few days ago or we were about to so it's either just before or after Halloween And I had a toy sithe, like a Grim Reaper's sife, because I was going as the Grim Reaper. I had like a skull mask and a cloak, and it was cool. I thought it would be like a really fun time. And the sithe was just a plastic pole that was hollow, so it was a tube.

And then the blade you could just take off and on. It was just a plastic thing that like clicked onto the top. And so as much as anything else, like as a kid of, yeah, maybe it was about 10 or something. thing. A kid of ten, the pole in and of itself is a pretty fun toy. You know, it's like a cardboard box. You can do a lot with a stick. Um, so I was like playing around with that. I'd probably like, you know, used it as a lightsaber and whatever else. Do that thing where you like hang your arms over it and put it on your shoulder like a scarecrow. You know, doing everything I could to get as much fun out of this tube as possible. And then, uh, what I did was I had a marble

on the floor of my bedroom and I realised that it was small enough to go in the tube so what I did was I put the tube to my mouth I put the other end of the tube over the marble and I thought I wonder if it'll like suck up the tube

and I think the marble was probably just big enough to slide freely up and down the tube but it was almost perfectly the size the tube which meant that as soon as I sucked at the top of that tube it created an instant vacuum

and the marble shot up this tube really fast like so fast it went and it hit me on one of my front teeth and I've actually got

a tiny little chip on one of my front teeth it's not really noticeable if people are like really close up to me you can actually see it and I count my lucky stars every day that you know it didn't break it a lot worse

because it's like you know they talk about the the social six, I think, of teeth, which is like the front six teeth on the top, which are visible at most times, that when your mouth is open, and you ideally don't want anything cosmetic to happen to those. So if it broken any more than what I got, that would have been really bad. But so... Make my teeth feel funny, just thinking about it. Yeah, I mean, I hate thinking about tooth stuff like that. And it's like one of the most common nightmares, I think.

It's like top ten nightmares. as people think about their teeth falling out and cracking and stuff. But yeah, so I got really lucky, and I would never flip around now with a tube and a hard object with my teeth. I'm also lucky that I didn't choke. I'm glad my teeth stopped the marble because the speed it went into my mouth

could have been really bad. But that's something I'd never do again. Maybe best possible outcome for you then. Yeah, probably. God, wow. There you go. So thank you. That's all of our questions. Thanks for everyone who submitted questions via stream labs. Sorry, via Twitter. But the stream labs is the squad that's about to be mentioned. But there we go.

It is indeed. Thank you. Thank you, Peter. Thank you for bringing the questions along this time. Who would like to know what's going out on the video's YouTube channel three years ago this fortnight? Me? Yes, please. We have got, excuse me, we have got, let me just check, it's Tuesday, isn't it? Yes. Worst games ever, Sonic the Hedgehog or Sonic 06, as it's better known. That's a good in.

Thorpe Parks, the Walking Dead, Living Nightmare Extreme, something or other. That was where we got poured out by zombies. Mm-hmm. Oh. Sunday, Sunday, UFC, Sudden Impact, featuring MMA on Point. Oh, that was when Like we had an awful time Getting the game to even capture, wasn't it?

And we lost some footage. I think it might be. Yeah, we had... It was a tricky one. We had Tom Ransom, Tom Ransom, award-winning director And we also had Jason there too. Their channel's still going.

So, you know, they're doing all right now. They're doing great. Doing very well. They have big-name MMA people on their channel talking about stuff. They do. They get in the office space soon as well. Jason's moved over to the UK.

So we'll like, you know, keep kicking ass, guys. Episode of memory cards. Hey! Space invaders, harvest moon, something else. I don't know. That's still not the final episode of memory cards, though. God, we... We've got Postumtack number 16, the one where they're all drunk,

which is, I think, when we went out halfway through and had burgers and pints and then came back. God, we had a very social week that week, or Fortnite, you know? Yeah, we did. Hanging out with John, as well as Tom and Jason and Dave. Dave. Dave. Yeah. Dave. Dave. You guys get some drinks.

You're a lads. Dee just poked his little head through the recording and we went out and we, oh, that was a good burger. Strong cider on an empty stomach. That's what you want. I'm trying to work out. When's this episode going out? It's going out next week, right? Yeah, a week today.

So Tuesday the 1st of June, which means we're going up to the 15th. We're going up to the 15th for videos. That's fine. Next we have tiny peter dancing compilation.mpeg.w.m.m.a.compaid. That's a real video we released. I didn't know it was called that, but okay. Yep, that's what it's called. I think it was a compilation of edits submitted by the community.

Yeah. That was a fun one. Piece of cake. Tony Hawke's Random Control Scheme Challenge. Oh, that was a fun one to set up. Yeah. Thorpe Park vlog We lost Billy again

The time we stopped a ride for the children From going on the ride So we could get a shot with a little walrus We didn't ask for that By the way It was just sort of Given to us and we rolled with it We didn't realise the kids

Weren't be allowed on the ride anymore It was humid that day Very humid I remember It was very warm Got sunburned a bit Thanks for inviting us Though we had a great time

We love you Yeah and that was after I think think we talked about how certain theme parks uh got legs taken off people after accidents right and you want to come to our theme park lose your legs yeah we'll do it or just disprove the the lies our legs are intact so statistically you'll be all right true yeah yeah sky room zoo chapter 14 Jesus Christ it's dragon born uh it's named that episode that was that was a good one uh Sunday Fundy, you're in the movies part two, more in the movies action. Memory cards, June the 11th, the last of us, MGS4, X-Men, something, or other.

I'm scrolling, I'm scrolling, there's still another memory cards episode after. I keep thinking that's got to be the last one. Memory cards is changing soon. Merch has arrived was a video we released. That's the classic VS1 logo shirt. Still, to this day, I think one of the best-selling, like, per viewer. Um, bits of merch on the Oggscastor. We did very well with that one.

We did. Didn't matter though. Moving on, we got Podiat's episode 8. The Whizzinator. Oh, yeah. Oh, I don't remember that one. Ben Talks Thought Park. Michael writes a custom story about Thanksgiving and Peter's learning how to safely

wee on people. That's the description of that one. Okay, now I remember. Postum tag number 17. You'll need Jesus. Worst games ever game selection. And I believe that is the one. That's the one.

That's the one. Do you want to talk about this piece? Well, I mean, it's the one that was a bit much for, oh, what was her name? Can you click the link and look at the top comment with about 250 upfoits? Yeah, the farting was a bit much for me. That's Isabel Springer. Isabel? Thank you very much.

I'm going to pin that to the top. I don't know why it's not pinned. Oh, it's not pinned. Oh, it's not pinned. It's always constantly boosted by upfodes. But I like the fact that I remember when, or I think it was on Mikey's Shreddy's video. video. She came back and commented on that and said something like, I'm so pleased that my kind of viral comment led to this video. It might be a different video, but it was some kind of,

one of our many fart related pieces of content. She sort of emerged from the ether and said, Hey, she does still exist out there then. Yeah. Yeah. She said, um, who knew my one comment over a year ago could spark the production of an entire video? You're welcome internet. Thank you very much. That's amazing. I wonder if Isabel listens to Pottie. It's probably not. If you do, tweet us. I don't know if you've got Twitter.

Anyway, moving on. We've also got Prove It the Starving Artist, Pass Part 2. I watched that recently, the live action challenge. Oh, that's a fun one. Part one. So this is just the Let's Play. Part one of the Let's Play. And finally, Worst Games Ever, Pimp My Ride with Exhibit.

One of the favorite episodes, I think, for some people. Really? people talk about that one yeah oh nice well there we are that's everything that's coming out on vidiates three years ago

wasn't that helpful Mikey I believe there's some sort of merch website question mark you'll be right if you head over to store dot yogscaste dot com

you can find some lovely vidiots merch if you head over to our little section as I'm frantically trying to remember how to navigate this damn website You'll find huddies, well, just the one hoodie, actually. T-shirts, mugs, and that's it. But we, that's not all.

If you're feeling tempted, but you just need that little extra push to spend your money. Well, how's about you get 10% off, not just on our products, but on everything on the Yog's cast store. Everything, Jesus. If you use code video, it's a checkout, you'll get 10% off absolutely everything. go do it you'll look hella stylish yeah you will

so stylish celebrate the three year anniversary of the the VS1 T-shirt releasing by buying another one to do it YouTube Twitter

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Oh, that's a shame. It might be a lookalike somewhere in the books, though. On the Argentinian website, perhaps he might be available. The obscenely generous Tiny Pete, bigfeet.com. Thank you so much. Thank you. The Outer Chegrides and Donak 07. That's your pod squad for this week.

Once again, streamlabs.com forward slash poddy. It's donations, three pounds or more to get a shout out. Thank you, everybody. Mikey, where are you hiding currently on the internet? I hide on at Paraboy and Twitter is the best place to find me. If you want to see me falling off a skateboard, that's the best place to go do it. Busy at the minute, so not a lot of streams, but I do try and stream when I can on Twitch. Thank you.

Fantastic. And Peter, where are we? We are at That Peter Austin on Twitter and Instagram, and Ben is at Confused underscore dude over on Twitter. But together we are John and Edward Jedward at Team Triple Jump where we're making video game videos including not at the moment but eventually rules boss related stuff perhaps live action challenges

when that's allowed in a month or so but still despite lockdown worst games ever is there amongst many other things too Absolutely finally Thank you so much for listening. Why not consider if I stop pressing all the buttons on my phone. Why not consider leaving us an iTunes review or a review slash rating on your platform of choice?

It helps something to do with Al Gore's rhythms. Do we have a final question for people to respond to? I kind of want to hear even more of the dark and gritty children's TV shows, to be honest. I like it. What would you mess up forever, for everyone else? Let us know. Let us know. Well, thanks for listening, everybody. We'll catch you next time.

Look after yourselves. Bye. Bye.