Podiots - Podiots: Episode 9 - Devastated

Episode Date: June 26, 2018

Michael discusses what we'd be doing if not for YouTube, Ben has some more Darwin Award-winning stupid deaths, and Peter talks unbelievable BUT TRUE laws still in effect in the UK. We're proudly sponsored by Turtle Beach! Get the Turtle Beach Headsets we wear: http://bit.ly/vidiotsbeach Buy yourself some Vidiots merch: https://yogsca.st/VidiotsMerch YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/vidiotsofficial Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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during the Volvo Fall Experience event. Conditions supply, visit your local Volvo retailer or go to explorevolvo.com. Maybe it's Mabelaine is such an iconic piece of music. Hit the track. Everyone in the studio that I worked on this jingle with all had like childhood stories or memories. Yeah, we're around either watching these commercials on TV

or sitting with our moms while they were doing their makeup and it became really personal for us. Maybe it's Maple Lane. Maybe it's Maple Lane. Nothing in my way. I don't want to know. Nibs, chock nibs. I always love chocknibes.

Do you ever eat them? What a chocknips? I don't know what they were made of. It was kind of like rabbit pellets, but chocolate-e and nice. I'm going to look at what was in chocolate. Are they crunchy? They're kind of like soft with crunchy bits in them.

Oh, okay. But like I literally have no idea what goes in them. Because it's just kind of like soft, melty chocolate. Right. In a nice pellet form. Are we recording now? We are. Okay.

So we don't have to start on chocolates. I'll tell you what I used to like. Yeah. I think Cadbury's did them. I can't remember what they were called. They were like maybe, I remember it sounding a little bit like Yazoo, but it wasn't. They were these weird chocolate, hollow chocolate monsters. Right.

That were wrapped in tinfoil. Okay. I can't remember what they were called, but they did them for a big of years. They were sort of like maybe four or five inches tall. maybe. Okay, chocolate are just chocolate but like

they're kind of coated in a white substance stops the chocolate from melting together oh they're really good though like I'm really fucking good I used to get them

like every day from school every day when I'm working down the street what about those cigarette candy cigarette sticks oh yeah that came in a like

cigarette box and with white sticks and then eventually I think they got banned and then they were permitted to bring them back if they were permitted to bring them back if they avoided all of the cigarette connotations.

They even had cards in them. Yeah, which is what grown-ups used to do from... Here we go. I got them. Yowie. They were kind of like Kinder eggs. They had little things inside. Yeah, I recognize that.

I wouldn't really remember because I obviously didn't eat chocolate when I was a boy. As I continued to not do so now. The devil. An interesting child. Peter Austin, an interesting child. But you had other things. Interesting. Like rice and...

Milkie bars. Yeah, sometimes. Yorkshire puddings, dry. Mmm. Delicious Yorkshire puds. Should we begin? I suppose. You're ready for this?

Do-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Nine, eight. No, I'm not going to be. Fuck it out. This is the best intro yet. Hello everyone and welcome to episode nine of Poddiyuts. It's the official podcast of Vidiots, which is a YouTube channel where we play games and do other stuff. I'm Ben.

I'm Michael. That's what we're changing our intro to. That's it. That song. Just that. Oh, every time. And then at the end of the podcast, I say, and I'm Peter. Okay.

Well, can you remember that? I'll try. So as if, like, the entire podcast is just the intro. Yeah. It's wrapped up. So this is a fun conversational podcast where we all bring a thing along to talk about. The three us.

The three us. And we also take some questions from you fine folks. As well, at home, we have a couple of things to get through fast. Admin, we love admin. Am I peaking, Michael? It sounds like I'm peeking. Admin. Admin.

All right, just knock you back. I just, I'm so excited about audio paperwork. Okay, yeah, that's better now. Are we doing good? How are we at home? Are we okay with that? We okay with this new level. We can't hear you.

Yes. They said yes. It sounds like we're yes. Okay, merchandise. We've sold a fair amount of merchandise. And this is your last week to get the PS1 shirt. It actually is, yeah. Has anyone actually bought anything other than the PS1 shirt?

Because all the pictures we've been sent are just the PS1 shirt. That's a good point, actually. We've not had a single photo of the Vidiot's logo. And then we're just going back to the sort of basic bits shirts, which are available in black and white on each design. Yeah, you can get black shirts, white shirts. With either the yellow or the white logo. Yeah.

So those will be available. We did say in the podcast before we knew all of the details that the Vs1 shirt would only be available for two weeks. But actually it is staying until the end of the month. So those who, yeah, payday, exactly. Those who like us are sort of surviving paycheck to paycheck and can spend an inordinate amount of money on an item of clothing instead of food when your paycheck comes in, which of course is a priority that we all have to make decision sacrifice really. yeah there will be other shirts available eventually at some point eventually eventually at some point hello we've got our lovely recorder back from e3 he's come back yes he had a great time he did those

asking someone did actually ask if if it had a great time or her had a great time obviously put a lot of work but it's worth it in the end to create some quality content yeah look at our mouths move if you're on youtube and if you're on iTunes it doesn't really matter look at that oh my goodness me that might work yeah i hope so glitch what is it it's When is it? It's cancelled. It's not cancelled. It's not cancelled.

It's been moved. It has been moved to the end of the year. Hooray! Not so short notice, is it? You had an entire week to react to that news. Um, yep. People who've bought tickets have been... Notified, we believe...

...informed. Oh my god. Can we just get a step-by-step sort of explanation of what just happened there? What? You went... It was a sneeze, but I didn't want to stop talking. I don't normally sneeze like that. That was weird, wasn't it?

Sorry. And then you smacked your face into your pop shield. Yeah, I turned around and my face hit my pop show. Apparently, people who have bought tickets have been informed by a glitch themselves. Yes, it's now in October. We will be going to that as well. But guess what? Flights are non-refundable.

So we're still going to Newcastle next week. We're still going to go and see the cultaholic boys. We're going to get some nice little chats for the podcast. I'm going to see my dog. You're going to see your dog. Peter's going to see his lady. And I'm going to sleep on the floor. of Peter's house.

No, we have a bed. He's going to sleep on the floor. Okay. I'm just more comfortable there. Well, that's what he's used to. It's up to you. I go in, have you seen my flat?

There's no furniture in it. Not a thing, it's weird. He's got all these cases filled with Game Boys, but no furniture. There's a display case for Game Boy stuff, and then there's a... You've got chairs for the Game Boys. Not for you, though.

Yeah, there is actually furniture, but it's not used as furniture. If people come to visit, they can... They can put their Pokemon stuff on the chairs. Yeah. And then there's cardboard boxes around for him. to sit in or on. In or on.

It's like your cats. You just sit in boxes all there. Yeah. It's interesting. It is nice. So that's still happening. We are still going to Newcastle, those of you who saw that news and were worried that, oh, the cultolic thing's not going to happen for ages now.

It's still happening. It is still happening. So don't you worry about it. We also alluded to at the end of the last episode that we're changing the schedule up. Oh, yeah. July is a big old month. July, a lot of things are changing. Yeah.

We hope you'll be delighted. Oh. Stop it, you silly boy. Yeah. Good one. Thank you. So make sure you watch our announcement video on Saturday to be filled in on all of the happenings about what is going on. Things are changing.

It's for the greater good. The greater good. Memory cards is dead. Fuck it. You killed it. It's your... No, it just didn't. It wasn't fun, was it.

It took us ages to write the shit. It's boring. Either that or we phoned it in and just read the Wikipedia page verbatim, which is kind of what I do for the podcast, isn't it really? Speaking of which, Peter, should we start getting on with the things? The things? Or do you want to start with a question? A thing.

I'd say we warm up with a question. You want to warm up question? Yeah. Okay. First question. This comes from Ethan Lawrence at Ethan D. Lawrence. Ethan D. Lawrence. Ethan De Lawrence.

Ethan De Lawrence. He asks, most hyped for and least hyped for game at E3. Mario Party, least-hyped, Mario Party. What did you like and what didn't you like? Michael likes Mario Party. Yeah, I'm... Actually, all Nintendo's offerings were okay this year.

I wanted more, but I think smash and Mario Party coming out within two days of each other is going to be pretty good. It's going to be a busy Christmas. Because you're a Nintendo fact. I'm a Nintendo boy when I'm not doing my cumpoopers. Oh, I've got a bone to pick with Beyond Good and Evil as well. actually. Whoa.

Bullshit of getting people who spec work for free. Peter, what's your favorite bullshit? Yeah, probably, I mean, Spyro,

in terms of its actual E3 presence, was shit. So I would say, yeah, be on good and evil. Michael seems angry about it. Yeah,

you guys need to settle this right now. Exploiting artists for free work for a multi-million dollar budget game. We've got the guy from Luper who's there. He's helping out. What's his name?

Joseph Gordon Leather. Joseph Gull. I don't know if you're trolling me, Michael, or if you're not seeing this. No, yeah, no, I saw this. Are you genuinely upset about it? Yeah, no, it's annoying that companies think that and just basically get free work from people in a economy that's quite difficult. See, this is the issue, is that a bunch of people have taken to YouTube or Reddit saying, I can't believe, like, this attitude.

And look at their terrible payment scheme, which is basically they've, like, allotted an amount of money. that effectively just gets divvied up at the end based on how much stuff was submitted and used and within that what your contribution to that thing was so people are getting really mad saying like but what if you spent fucking ages on like a backdrop and someone covered most of it up and you only get paid like hardly anything for it

can you very quickly give some context as to what this actually is yes sorry of course so um um uh Ubisoft came back with more beyond and evil two stuff this year at E3 And at the end, they said, hey, we're joining up with a site called hit record. Well, remembered. You really are a fan. I am a big record. Where it allows people to submit art, music, various forms of media.

But the focus is on collaboration. So it's not really about just submitting your picture. Like someone then takes your picture and adds it to a poster that can be on the wall. in the street or whatever, you know. In the game. In the game. So that was announced, and they were like, oh, and we'll even be able to pay people for it as well.

And then when certain, I would probably say, non beyond good and evil fans started like looking at this payment scheme, they were like, well, this is bullshit. Like, I'm a freelance artist. If I spend like hours upon hours on this thing, I want to either be paid per hour of work or I want to be paid like a lump sum that's agreed at the beginning when I deliver the stuff

and that's not how freelance art works and what are you doing Ubisoft? And it's like, well, they're very transparent about how they're going to be paying people and I thought to me the idea that you get paid at the end for it is just a bonus.

They're not, they're hiring. They're hiring artists right now. It's just the fact that obviously they're not going to pay everyone like you could spend hours and a bit of art and not get used. Well, exactly. But you enter into it with that risk.

If you're a freelance artist like struggling to pay the bills, you don't go, oh fucking hell, Ubisoft has just opened a thing where fans can submit to a game. I'm going to send something to that, and hopefully I'll get paid fucking 200 quid at the end of the month for doing that. That's not how it works. It's a scheme that allows people who are already doing fan art for free

and submitting it to the fan site, they're already doing that, and they're just saying, hey, that's cool, if you guys all collaborate with each other, it might be able to actually put some of that stuff in the game. And we can probably even give you a bit of money as well. That would be good, wouldn't it? That's what it is. It's not a professional call.

I'm starting a union. Fuck this. Fucking would be soft. Elon Musk over here. I don't want to pay my workers. It's important to know what this isn't. And what this isn't is like calling all freelance artists. We really want you to come and like give your professional skills to our game.

But lull, we might not pay you much or anything at all. We might not even use the stuff you've spent hours on. It's like, hey, if you're a fan of the game, it's almost like a competition, really. And the prize is that... You get a blue Peter badge at the end of it. Yeah. It's like, if you're a fan of the game, submit your Blue Peter drawing on a piece of A4 in a stamped addressed envelope,

and we might put it in the game if it's really good. So it's like Fight Box, when they asked kids to design creatures and monsters to fight in the TV show Fight Box. Yeah, that's what it is. It's Fight Box, except all they're asking for right now is stuff to go on the radio that you listen to in your little space Tuck-Tuck.

And I think, yeah, like posters that go on the wall and stuff. And if you send something in and they like it, they were like, hey, you win. Your thing is going in the game. And actually, here's some money. It's not about... You want an example of one of those done badly, except you don't actually get paid and you don't really submit anything to them other than just your money. You want to look at Shenmu 3 or whatever it's called.

The one that was announced at E3, maybe three, four years ago. Yeah, it's taken ages. It's, it looked, like the faces look dreadful. They've made very little progress. People were saying they were doing it deliberately to like emulate the old kind of face. Yeah, it's like the defense of that game is unbelievable. And people have been pouring money in to try and support it. And it's for stuff like, your name will be in the welcome book of this inn in the game.

And people were just like, yeah, we've got to spend all that money. Whereas this, it sounds like you're actually able to contribute to something you love. and you might actually be in the game. That's what it is. I think that the thing that splits the crowd on this is essentially whether you're like a big fan of the franchise or not. And if you are, you're like, I would do it for free. If I was any good at graphic design,

I'd be like, hey, it'd be cool if I was playing the game and my poster was just on the wall. I would just do that for free. Yeah, I'm coming from an outsider perspective as someone who's done freelance work in the past, and it fucking sucks. It's not a call for professional freelancers, but people got really mad thinking that it was

and that they were putting people out of a job at Ubisoft. but Ubisoft are also hiring artists right now for like actual in-house stuff. And it's obviously the potential for a huge business venture with this hit record company as well which would be a load of exposure and money coming in I would have thought

so it's yeah it kind of sounds like a win-win. What are you excited for and not excited for about E3? Oh I'm glad you asked Michael I'll keep it short that's fine I don't say beyond good and evil I get angry again

I wasn't actually going to say beyond I was going to say that's my actual answer, but I don't want to be constantly talking about that on the podcast. And I was just going to say either, I think Dreams looks kind of fun. Yeah, yeah, media molecules, new game. Yeah, or what's that one, you might even say it yourself, other than Spider-Man. What's that one with the kid painting the walls? Oh, concrete genie.

Yeah, that looks fantastic. That's a PS4 exclusive. It looks lovely. Yeah, I've got mostly sort of all the big Sony exclusive exclusives look amazing. Death Stranding I honestly I couldn't give less of a fuck about that I'm so excited

for Death Stranding Hideo Kojima made some brilliant shit but he's been let off the chain This game This game is never going to come out ever It's never going to fucking come out I've got no idea what's going on

I know that's the whole point because he's some sort of genius but I'm reaching the point now having played Metal Gear Solid 5 which I know was plagued with issues that weren't necessarily his fault but he definitely has to take some of the blame for them

After playing that I felt so put off by his work and seeing this, I don't think it's going to come out until like maybe six years from now. Because no one's going to tell him to stop. There's no one to tell him to stop anymore. Let him work away at this weird thing that no one has no idea

about everyone in the team. I'm just like, I'm calling this thing, but I don't know what it means. I'm like the least hyped for that out of almost everything just because I'm so... Because it's so overexposed, right? Well, not just because it's so overexposed, but it makes me angry because I feel maybe at this point he has started to work out how these strands

come together. But I'm reasonably sure. that that first couple of teasers that came out. Yeah, I had no idea what was going on. All he did was he was like, I guess we could do like, there's like some sort of black prints going around. Maybe there's like a baby inside the man

who like does a thumbs up or whatever. Yeah, it's all that kind of shit. It's just like, what the fuck are you doing? He just deliberately came up with a bunch of shit and then said, right, now I better like work out how this is all going to go together. But people, some people think that like from day one, he's had this amazing

like tapestry of a narrative in his head and we're just getting drip fed oh little clues and oh he knows already where it's going realise everything and there might be a secret in there but he doesn't have a fucking... He might do now but he had no fucking clue what he was doing because I genuinely don't give a shit about narrative in games I just like experiences and being there in the moment

so I'm like happy to have this loosely connected weird dreamlike thing going on I would love to be proven wrong but as it stands I'm sick of seeing this game because every time we see it It makes less and less sense. It's like a 15 minute trailer. It's a 15 minute, wank session.

It's not going to be in the final game. And it's just introducing this actor who is in a thing. And it's renowned for being arseesies. It's like, who is this? But I don't care who this is. I don't care. Anyway. So that wasn't even a game that I was particularly negative about, but it is one now, I suppose.

All of the Sony stuff, Spider-Man looks incredible. The Last of Us 2, unbelievable. Ghosts of Sashima really blew me away what are they called Sucker Punch's new games the guy that did the guys that did infamous

that looks brilliant obviously you know there are other big ones like Fallout 76 where there's still a lot of questions about what that actually is but something else

that I took away they didn't actually show a trailer for but I love the new Wolfenstein games and they announced Wolfenstein New Blood I believe which is a co-op

sequel where you get to play as B.J. Blascovic's twin daughters. It's still, it's set in the 80s. The Nazis are still very much in control, which is what I like so much about the Wauphinstein games because they never end with like a supremely happy ending. It's just like you've just got a small victory in there. And yeah, you're basically just two badass,

Billy badasses just running around beating the shit out of Nazis and I think that sounds awesome. Least excited about pretty much all of Ubisoft's big games I've realized. They are synonymous for me with what is wrong with big AAA budget games. I'm so good at

they just pump them out. They just pump that shit out and it's all it all feels like an Ubisoft game and I just don't care about it anymore. So that was quite a boring conference to sit through like the crew too. What the fuck is that? What is that about? Ridiculous. There's always one of

those. Sorry? Or not just dance. Oh just dance. Yeah. I mean that's Oh, that's fine. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, I mean, it's like, do them. They sell, like, just do them. You're paying by the numbers now. Here's the criteria of things you need to do.

I still know that they're going to announce for honor too at some point, and the entire world's going to go, but why, though? Yeah. But why, though? Anyway, that was E3. I think we should move on to a thing, because some people listen to this podcast and don't know what games are. Like me.

That would have been utterly no games. Are you here? Are you still with us, Michael? That's sorry. Hello? Woobysoft. Why don't you talk about your thing, Michael? Why don't you go first?

I just want to talk about jobs in the grand scheme of things. If we weren't doing... I work for Vidiots, Michael. You know this. Are you going to ask what I do for a living? That explains the paycheck I get every month. Oh, fuck, do I work for videos as well? I think you might do.

Oh, my God. Crazy. If he weren't doing videos right now, which path do you think you would have went along? Assuming previous job didn't happen as well. And are we excluding all sort of similar jobs as well or not? Because I might be doing video somewhere. Yeah, let's just assume you'd never got into the YouTube sphere. Yeah, okay.

What would you be doing? I mean, I think I made some, like, fairly poor decisions education-wise. Well, kind of. I'm glad I did everything that I did, but I studied psychology for three years at Durham University. Ryan E. at Guy underscore one incognito with another one in it asks, what did you guys study at uni? Oh, there we go. Well, I guess we'll answer this as well. I studied psychology at Durham University for three years, and that was really good. And at the time, I think psychology was only just coming out of having a bit of a stigma for being the sort of science thing that people do if they kind of can't be asked or don't know what they want to do.

Isn't that sociology? Well, maybe also sociology. But I did it because I was genuinely interested in it. And we covered some really, like, crazy fucking stuff about, like, what consciousness is. It was like, there were, there was elements of, like, philosophy in it and stuff. It was really cool. But afterwards, I was like, oh, I don't really actually want to go into it in terms of, like, clinical stuff because I would have to study for another fucking, like, four years.

And if I've been able to do it without that, I might have gone into that. That's the thing about the ologies. There's a lot of extra work at the end there. Like, it interested me. Like, I didn't just take it because I didn't know what to do. Just dot about it for a couple of years. I'll get student loan. It'd be great.

But afterwards, I was like, oh, I can't, I can't hack academia for another four years. It's just not me. Yeah, yeah. So then I thought, like, oh, well, maybe I'd be good at, like, doing computer science stuff, like software engineering or, like, you know, shit like that. That was pretty tedious, you know? Like, I knew it would be a kind of nerdy environment and a kind of IT crowd, literally sitting in the basement, you know, with no natural light coming in.

into the room. Right. And I was happy to sign up for that, but just, I don't know. It's not the door on you like, oh, this is not, this is not what I made to be. I don't know what I thought it would be. And I think I, I don't think I went into it too naively, but yeah, I did just sort of think, what the fuck is this? And at this point, I think that if I, if tomorrow, a bomb was dropped on YouTube, an actual

nuclear bomb. No. Everything to do with YouTube, just those. bits in particular which is wiped out if I was forced out of this thing I had to like start a new career

I think at this point I would like to just like be outside doing something yeah I think I'd be doing something a lot more like practical and manual like maybe uh

fucking working for like the national trust looking after deer and fell in trees and you know I'm not a big boy yeah well I'm not I'm not, I'm not, I can be a park range outfit, be really keyed. A little park ranger outfit with your little buggy, but like a neckerchief going on.

But with a clipboard and you'd come around and check on the men cutting down the trees. Yeah, I think I'd get a lot of satisfaction at this point, just not being indoors all the time. And I grew up in the countryside, and I kind of want to go back to that. That's what my dad did. Yeah? Yeah, I ended up working outside for a long time. Uh-huh. Yeah.

I'm not yet built for it, but that's partly because I've been doing this job for like, yeah, three, Imagine how ripped you'd be if you worked in the woods. Oh, my gosh. You'd be wood strong. I would, yeah. You would be. What about you guys? I always wanted to get into filmmaking and stuff.

I've got friends who are now working like TV shows and films. And I was like, oh, that's kind of the path I want to go down. Like working in the camera department as a camera assistant or something like that. But it's just such a hard industry to get into that. It's very, very slim that people who get into it. One of my friends is now working on some big feature film in, like, Sheperton Studios. he made Mark Wahlberg laugh Oh my God

Put that on the LinkedIn Yeah damn I think before I got into YouTube I was like in the process As setting up a freelance photography business as well Oh of course I was like getting my website together Getting applying for you know the tax things

Yeah And getting ready for the world of you know Doing my own tax and doing all the shitty paperwork That comes with it And not getting paid Having your own voices Thanks guys I'm still nightmares from the wedding I did

They just didn't pay me for Oh my God Assholes. We chased for a year that never came to anything. That's unbelievable. I think realistically, to answer the university question, I studied film production at university, which is a terrible degree for employability,

but I've made it work. Yes, you absolutely are. It was a good degree. I learned, like, it taught me so much about working in teams and just, like, you know, getting projects done, how to handle things, which is really good, but as a degree, that piece of paper is worthless.

Right. The experiences are all that matter. Yeah, the knowledge, games. I fully expected to graduate from university and just going to like a part-time job at a shop or something. Right. Because I just didn't feel like any career prospect.

But don't let you, don't get yourself down. One day, you could be me. You could have made it. You could fart on the internet. We've made it. Take your friends. I hope one day to get into the film world. But yeah, I think that's playful in life.

That's the next goal, isn't it? You've always got to have a goal, haven't you? Almost aiming for the next thing. Benj. I did radio production at university, and that was because I listened to a lot of radio, and it was sort of like a snap decision, because you're always, it seems to be less emphasis on it now, but certainly, you know, about 10 years ago, it was very much, well, that's the thing you do. You go to secondary school, you go to sixth, one more college, and then you go to university.

So it's like, well, I'm going to university, because that's what I meant to do. I don't know what to do. I like radio. I want to know. I'd been doing hospital radio for a little while and I'd my other passion, my main passion though, was games and it always was games

and I loved games media. I was a huge fan of PSM3 magazine while that was still around and my big PlayStation guy and I used to talk to my friends about PlayStation stuff all the time, started a podcast in about 2009 which I still do now very rarely because it's hard to organize it. but I was always interested in games media and I always did it as a side thing like I would I would write and and record podcasts and then once I got to uni I started making videos as well and messing around with that kind of stuff and started writing properly for a website did some work experience for official PlayStation magazine and chatted with like Rob from PlayStation Access and things like that just to you know to ask them about how you know how did you get into the industry

and that kind of stuff. So that was always my goal on the side of everything I did. And then when I got to my last year of uni, I thought, I fucking hate radio. Like, I just despise all the rules, all of the, and I wasn't some like war-breaking badass. Yeah. It was just like, I just didn't enjoy it. Like, I didn't have much fun with it. And so I really doubled down on game stuff.

And I went to a lot of events and met a lot of people and had various other terrible jobs. that on the side I would still do all this gaming stuff. So I'd like to think that if I hadn't ended up falling into the YouTube game, I at the very least would either be doing freelance voiceover somewhere or ending up at maybe some sort of gaming outlet that could afford to pay me. The GameSpot or the IGN. But I always wanted to work for the Oggscast. Yeah, that was quite an early goal.

That was always kind of one of those weird dreams. Oh, it'd be nice to do that, but that's never going to have. their website but it just gets flooded with i assume like nine-year-olds who like i didn't do minecraft videos yeah i record it on my android phone using the screen recorder software so yeah i'd either be doing one or the other or a combination of both i'd like to think some sort of voice over or some kind of uh video game journalism really that would be that would be my goal but here we are and we find ourselves here don't we all three of us we're all hilarious people and we just couldn't be contained on the pages of a book or dogs cast sauce me like god these guys are so fucking

are so funny. We've got to pay them just... We've got to bring these guys in. We've got to pay them oh, that money. All of, well, some of it. Some of the money. But yeah. That's it. Hopefully that fills a lot of people in because we do get that question a lot. What would you be doing now if you didn't have a fake job? What would be your real job if you didn't have this fake job? I'm angry that you've got that fake job that I wish I had and fuck you. What would you be doing if you had to actually work in the real world like I do? Probably miserable. Yeah. I certainly was before I started doing an interesting job. My six months of McDonald's were

that was an eye-opening experience to like, I don't want to do this, I can't do this. Yeah. And now you're not. Hey. Now you're fighting into the microphone. Yeah. I'm going to go back to that McDonald's and Simon side. Fuck you, Mark.

Yeah, Mark. Fuck you. Give me a job. Fuck you. Your piece of shit, Mark. Take it. Thank you, Michael. Thank you, Ben. Thank you, Peter. Question time. God, it's a university special.

This is from Harrison Ford Kalnan Sorry At Defoe Fighter 666 On Twitter He asks What was the biggest

Amount of Trouble You ever got into In school slash college slash university Oh The biggest In year two

We were doing In primary school Yeah So how old were you Six? Year two That's 2002 Born in 994

7 So that's eight The naughtiest thing I did in primary school at least was we had a spelling test and I snuck the answers into my tray and I kept checking them and obviously at the end my teacher realized

is like Michael I'm really disappointed in you and maybe do the test again without it and I did the same thing but I got away with it see I got caught and I got the high I got to the whole shut myself just Mr. Hastings come over like Michael it's like oh no Mr Hastings but you maybe do it do it properly and I did all right

I got seven out of ten so you know well that's pretty good I think ours well oh god But I got away with it and then I went through the whole thing of Ben got the highest marks in the class and I stood there, smiled and waved through the whole thing

then I got home and I cried. They unveiled a commemorative plaque. He got all the words right. I got all the way home. I went to bed and then I just felt so guilty that I had to go and talk to my dad about it because I just felt awful. Do you ever like as a kid, if you got told off,

did the teachers ever tell you to tell your parents? No. You wanted you to tell your dad what you've done today And then I went home and told my dad that I got told off. It's like, why didn't I just keep my mouth shut? My dad didn't have to know if I got told off. I don't know. No, I didn't get in trouble that much in primary school, so.

I think my favorite moment is a second year university going to a house party and setting fire to a pinaw out outside on the street and just hitting that and having like 20 people crowded around it all chanting, screaming. Wow. And the police turned up. Did you start a cult? I think we did. It was, yeah.

Oh, God. One of my friends was very drunk screaming, fuck the police. fucking ate the pigs. Wow. And what happened? We just ushered them off to town and we had a night out.

A lot of other people dealt with the police at the house. That was just the start of the night. Jesus Christ. Peter, what did you do? What are you in for? One thing that wasn't naughty but was, it's kind of similar, it's relevant, is that

I had an older, I've got an older brother who I went to school with... Or sister. Or sister, yeah. He's two years older than me. Or younger. Or younger.

and I went to a school that only went up to year two and then everyone moved on to a separate school that did like three to six. Interesting. Okay. And when I was at the second of the primary schools, it was my first year and he'd been there for three years and he said to my mum one day

that it was non-uniform day on Friday. And I said to him, no, I think that's next Friday, isn't it? And he said, no, no, no, it's this Friday. And I said, no, no, I'm pretty sure it's next Friday. And he said, no, it's next, you're wrong. So my mom believed the older child who had been going to the school for three years. Oh, God. And we got into our non-uniform.

I'm convinced it's next week. He's saying it's tomorrow. And went into school. And I remember pulling up outside the school, my grand used to drop us off. And I remember hearing my brother who was sat in the front seat, he's in uniform they're all in uniform no

at that point I think my grand had to she sort of said like well am I going to take you home to change then or what and it was a pain in the ass to get in and out of this school it was right in the middle of the city

and we as I say I grew up in the middle of like the countryside and we just went in and we had to go to Mr Washington's office who was the headmaster and explain and he did

just was disappointed but said, Mr. Austin, I thought you were better than this. Yeah, but just said well, you're just going to have to stay in your fucking non-uniform, aren't you? That's what he said. You're fucking non-union. You're just going to have to stay in your fucking non-union. Pain in the ass. Never have I been

less happy to be in non-uniform at school because when we went out into the playground at fucking break time, there's just me and my brother sticking out like a sore thumb in quite bright clothes. as I remember. I think I was in like...

Were you rocking the tie-dye? I was in like orange. Yeah, this was in the late 90s. So I was in... It was a tie-dye era. It wasn't quite tie-dye, but I had orange shorts on and a slightly different shade orange t-shirt.

Nice. And he was in like lime green, I think. What a fucking pair. And there's all these kids in their fucking... Looking like Starburst flavors. Black blazers and shorts and stuff. Well, they won't have been in blazers, but you know, just gray, horrible.

boring boring uniform so that was that was pretty bad oh no yeah um for some reason I signed

of choir in primary school so it's that you lose a lunch break to go sing some shitty songs I don't know why I thought it'd be a fun thing to do in my second week there I was just kind of like playing with toys in the corn and the teacher's like if you don't want to be here you can just go all right

just walked out the room which I don't think was the response to we're expecting it was like oh sweet I've got a way out of this we appeared to have had very similar primary school experiences because I had the same thing happen, but when I was told one lunchtime that it wasn't on by the music teacher, I

involuntarily, without even thinking, just went yes! You broke that, because they're volunteering time to run this little class and then you tell little Ben, oh sorry, he looked broken. He looked broken. Sorry Mr. Rose. Oh, you had a music teacher called Mr. Rose too?

Yeah, oh my God, that's weird. I remember in a similar vein but not at school in the village that I grew up in there was like an amateur dramatic society they were put on a pantow every year and all the kids would go and be part of it but they were just sort of the ensemble

whereas grownups would do all the main roles and I at one point I was with these like six other kids and we were going to dress up as ghosts and we would dance to the Ghostbusters theme tune while I don't even know which play it was but like Robin Hood is walking through the haunted forest or whatever

and there's ghosts dancing around him That was the idea. And I remember being taken to one side at one point by the woman who was organising it. I don't know why she was asking me specifically, but she went, Peter, would you be devastated if we had to remove the ghost dance? And I didn't know what the word devastated meant.

So I just had to give a sort of grey answer. Like, well, I wouldn't mind, but I wouldn't be... So you had no idea what you were answering. I didn't know if that meant would I be overjoyed. or really disappointed. So I just went, I don't know, I wouldn't mind. And she went, okay, well, I think we're going to have to get rid of it.

Oh, no. You should have just cried. I learned what devastated meant. Because you felt it for the first time. I wouldn't have been devastated at all. It's lucky, really, that, like, in your case, that I didn't think that the word devastated meant fucking over the moon.

Because I might have said to her, oh, yeah, God, get rid of it. Jesus. It's shite. It's humane. The fact that we're even talking about it disgusts me. Yeah. My God.

Well, the worst thing I ever did, it wasn't even getting in trouble. It was just quite a harrowing, traumatic experience. At the end of my first year of uni, I was a bit of a silly boy at uni. I think a lot of people are for the first year. Like, well, I don't have to go to fucking anything. I've got all this money that's not mine. I can eat pizza. I can play video games all night.

And sometimes, if I don't want to go to university, I don't fucking have to. We had these log tests or something like that, phase tests, I think they were called. Now, I didn't know that these were sort of mandatory and counted towards some kind of final grade. Oh, boy. And I sort of just didn't do a lot of them by not showing up. So it got to the end of the year. I had my summer. Came back at the start of the second year.

It was weird. For some reason, my student loan didn't get paid. Oh, God, God. For some reason, I wasn't on any of the registers. It was really strange. You got a timetable through. No. So you just went back to you and you're swimming earlier.

Yeah, I was renting a house with a group of people. Like, business continued as normal. For a month and a half, I went like this. And then I finally got the answer. And it was because I was out of universes. Wait. What do you mean for a month and a half you went? I just attended.

Oh, you just went to lectures? I just got time to. You know when they were on. Did someone, you just got someone? You know, it's hard to believe. but I was friends with some people. Right. And, you know, I was...

You were just like, oh, my timetable. I could have to see yours? Yeah, you'd find me over the timetable. I went, I did the work. Like, I just... It was so strange. Oh, my God. So then I found out that I had been kicked out of university.

And... I never knew this. The full story is essentially because the administrative department of De Montfort University is a load of shit and they are so dreadful. They listed my... home address as my term time address. So they sent all communications to an address that I had moved out of because I'd gone home for the summer and then wouldn't be coming back to.

Telling you, you're out. Telling me that I could come back and reset them over the summer if I wanted to. Oh no, it wasn't even that. It was you can reset them from home. So you can just fucking Google the answers and put them in. It was an engineering course because mine was Institute of Engineering Technology because it was a Bachelor of Science. And, you know, how else are you going to fucking pad out a degree about radio. And so yeah, you could just do them from home, but I didn't get that. And so then I was removed and not told because presumably they sent another letter. So then I had to appeal and I went with the course leader to a meeting with admissions.

And they basically said, well, you know, it would probably be better really if you just sort of sat it out and did your second year next year. And I was like, that's not going to happen because I'm here. I've got a house. I'm renting a place that I currently have no money for and my course leader fought for me as well because while yes I should have attended them and yes I should have done them

I was not afforded the same opportunities as others who had failed because of their fuck up oh yeah they should have messaged you saying yeah well they did but they fucked up so then I got to do it again did it fired it back and then everything was fine great and then I got a first so yeah I didn't get a first

suck a dick god get you yeah the one of Another thing that sticks out in my mind that we did when I made it to high school is my friend Beth, me and her, and a bunch of other people used to occasionally hang out in the library at lunchtime because we were cool kids. And there was this French book that was almost like a picture book in that each double page spread would be a big scene and all around the edge there was like a border and it had like images from the scene with the French word next to it.

So it was just to learn vocab. He would like try and spot the, you know, it was for kids really. I don't know why it was in a high school, but we got this book and we were flicking through it. I don't know why we chose to pick it up, but there were a couple of knobs that had been drawn in it. Oh no, Wilson's. Yeah, little Wilson's on sort of the dad or, you know, that kind of thing. On the face or in the crotch area? I think mostly in the crotch area, but maybe on a few people's heads, but there are only maybe six in the entire book.

Six Wilson's. So we put penises on every conceivable place that they could be one. Did you live super bad? Sorry? Did you live super bad? Pretty much. Couldn't stop drawing dicks. But they were just the standard two complete perfect circles and half a sausage.

A gibbon. A gibbon. The inverse gibbon. And I wish, we had photos of this book and we kept them for a long time, but then they were on someone's hard drive and they got lost. But it was hysterical. There was like a man watering his flowers and obviously the hose pipe was a knob. There was a ballerina who was like on one leg and the other leg was like over her head and we put a penis between her open legs.

Of course. Going into or else where else where do you can from? Coming out like she was a boy, a boy girl. Oh, one of those. One of those. Actually, yeah, we didn't put one, we didn't put it going in. Maybe we should have done. And the one that's the obvious.

Yeah. Less innocent of just drawing knobs on something. There was a sink market scene. was like a greengrocers aisle and there was a big crate with oranges and every two oranges next to each other were the balls of another penis a crate of Williams yeah and there were there were some major pub bushes going on as well it was just covered absolutely covered and presumably that book has now been destroyed well we don't it was there for a long time because beth and a couple of my other friends were quite into musical theater and stuff like that and they

ended up going back to the school after we'd left I think to do some sort of choir thing or I don't know exactly what it was but while they were there they went up to the library and found the book and it was still there oh my god but we were talking about actually just a couple of days ago and we're convinced it must have been found at this point right but we would love to go back and it's the fabled book everyone wants to read the no book oh no I wish I could I wish I could describe how how many penises there were we used to have a scrabble hour like every Wednesday at school and one time a kid put down the world dildo

and the teacher lost his shit and started screaming at him, he started crying it was hilarious. Oh no. I don't know what it means, I don't know what it means. So you know what it means, Johnny. Oh no. My brother, sorry, it's anecdote chains here. I'm desperately trying to look at an avenue out of

this anecdote city. I'll do a quick one. God. My brother said that he was once being driven to a birth day party by my dad and some of his other friends were in the car with him and for some reason they were playing a game where all it is is they were thinking of words or phrases and taking one letter out of it and that was just amusing to him and at one point someone suggested the word blast off and his friend went bast off and my dad slammed the brakes on he thought because they were only like eight years old and he thought that this bad influenced child was saying bastard in

the back of the car and he turned around he was like we will not have language like this in my calf because the kid just went bast off and like, screeks. What was that? Basta? Excuse me? Bast off. Had no idea what he'd done wrong. And I think they must have explained. No, I said Bastoff.

Oh my God. Bastiff. God. Jesus. Anyway, Ben, please get us out of the hole. A wonderful story, a thing and a question. Yeah. We're going to move on to another thing now. Peter, do you mind if I hop in?

It's not a very long one. Please do. I've got some more amusing deaths for you. So would you like to hear the titles? These today come from Empora.com. So forgive the wording of some of these descriptions because they're a bit, oh, he sort of fell with the velocity of a thousand hammers.

You know, it's kind of just shit. So we've got, these are actual bona fidey Darwin Award winners for people who have died in stupid ways. These are real people, and these are real stories. We've got the ski resort, sledge thief, Cool. We've got the Mid-Mountain Road bailout, the brainless bungee jumper,

the luckless sledneck, the Utah para plunger, the amateur cliff diver, they're all sporty. The kite surfer who took flight, the Niagara Falls Jet Ski jumper, the amateur electrician, and finally the pissed-up parkour star.

I want to do the bungee one. That's my vote. The bungee one. And those last two sound good as well. Okay. Let's go for the bungee one. Where are you? The luckless sled neck.

Speaking of electricians, if I wasn't doing this, that's probably a job I'd want to go into. Oh yeah? Really? My friend isn't an electrician. Learn a trade. Yeah. You're always going to need sparks. Wicks.

Learn a trade. Wicks. Fuck off. Yeah, get to fuck, mate. I'll fuck you up. The brainless bungee jumper. In 1997, police in Reston, Virginia, issued a statement saying they had found the body of 22-year-old Eric Barsia,

who had apparently died attempting to bungee jump off a 70-foot, bridge. Issuing commercial bungee operations. Is that how you meant to say that? Issuing. Issuing. No, as in S-chewing. Oh, S-chewing. As in ignoring. Ignoring commercial bungee operations, Eric had apparently taken matters into his own hands and tied several bungee cords together. He strapped himself on securely, tied the other end to the bridge, and jumped, confident in the knowledge that he'd carefully measured out the bungee's total length, just under 70 foot. Of course, what Eric had forgotten was that bungee cords stretch. And so he's slammed face first into the floor.

Fuck, that's a good way of gooey. Just get to see your death coming towards you. Eric, you idiot. Tied them all together. Yep, that is exactly 70 feet. I will be fine. I'm going to just snap and stop when I reach to the bottom. Mr. Beam cartoon sketch that, isn't it?

One, two. Sorry. Just looks up at the bridge, 70. And it measures this bungee. And as it goes down. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, done. So, I'll do the last two. I've actually also got two here that I quite like,

that I think you will enjoy as well. The ski resort Sledge Thief. In 2008, 46-year-old David Monk was on holiday in Soz. Doz, do, do, right? He was on holiday in Italy, with a group of friends. After having a few beers one evening, the lads decided to steal a protective mat that covered the metal barriers at the bottom of the slope

and use it as a sledge. Oh, no. They hiked up the hill, hurled themselves down it, and promptly slammed straight into the very same barrier they'd stolen the Protector Cutting for. David died on the spot, earning himself a Darwin award in the process. He was a brilliant guy, David's friend Alan McGregor,

told the Daily Mail, we're not sure brilliant is the word weird of chosen. See, there you go, there's that sort of writing I was warning you about, it's kind of... Wise cracks. Hey, he died. The Mid-Mountain... That's what they're saying.

Yes, it is. Funny, he died. He died, which means he's not alive anymore. Amense. He's dead. That's funny. In 2001, a story appeared in the South Idaho Press, detailing the death of a man named

Marco, who had been driving a van full of friends back from a day on the mountain when his brakes failed. In a truly heroic maneuver, Marco leapt from the moving vehicle before it careered off a cliff edge without telling anyone else about the brake problem first. Oh my God. Thankfully, one of the other passengers stepped in to save the day, managing to bring the van to a halt. They then walked back up to hill to find that Marco had fatally miscalculated his cowardly leap to safety and hit his head on the page.

killing himself, no one else was injured. He deserves that, that's fair. What a twat. Yeah, so he jumped out the car, trying to save his own skin, and died. Why not at least go, my brakes are failed, everyone get out, and then go. Yeah, yeah. What an arsehold. Maybe it was a plan to kill them all.

Yeah. Kill them all. Last two. So this one is the amateur electrician, right? We want to hear this one? Michael. In 1999, jet skiing featured in the Darwin Awards once more. This continues on from another article point.

This time the hapless individual was a man named Rodney, which is always a good electrician name. Rodney, would you change your name to Rodney? Rodney, John. Rodgers. I'd be Rodd is. Rod Johnson. Rod Johnson, who was happily doing laps of Lake Washington when he realised his battery was running a bit low. Pulling up towards the shore, he moored his jet ski

and ran to get a set of jump leads. He plugged the ends into a 110-volt outlet and ran down to the water's edge, carrying the crocodile clips. Unfortunately, he didn't stop at the edge and plunged straight in, electrocuting himself instantly. Fuck. His body was apparently found floating under the dock later that evening. Lovely.

Smelling delicious. Smelling just ready to... The Pissed Up Parkour Star. In 2002, a group of lads from Maidenhead, inspired by what they'd seen of Paris. Paris's parkour scene decided to give free running a go. Things started well for Mark and his mates. They found a gap between two multi-story carpucks with a 40-foot drop below.

And after taking a good long run up... This is their first... And after measuring a 40-foot bungee cord. One, Mark managed to clear it. Oh, chuffed with his achievement, he headed to the pub with his pals. That should be the end of the story, shouldn't it? Yeah. On their way home, they passed the car park again,

and it was then that things started to go wrong. Full of Dutch courage that comes from a couple of points, Mark threw himself at the gap again, but lost his balance on the far side and fell 40-foot onto solid concrete. Nice. No amount of alcohol could have cushioned that blow. I'm surprised I haven't done something like that yet because when I'm drunk, I get a lot of courage

and I just kind of do whatever feels right at the time. It is a miracle you're still, you've injured yourself a few times. Yeah, yeah, quite badly. You have. Bash heads off floor, done in shoulders. But I'm yet to jump off a heavy thing. I think I've climbed things before.

Oh, God. Please don't do that. Who's going to edit stuff for us? People think you edit everything, don't they? Yeah, I do. You do nothing. Every single thing is edited by Michael Johnson. So it's good because it means

if anyone does anything well, I get compliments. You do. But if any YouTube fuck up falls back on me. Yeah. I mean, we all have the same job title at what culture,

but again, we didn't do anything. We just sat there all day. Do we have the same job title here? It's yours the same as mine and Ben's? Content creator. Yeah. Content producer. Oh, shit.

I want to be video wizard, but Terps wasn't nothing here. Oh, that's a shame. Peter Austin. Peter Austin. Is it time to go to weird Wikipedia? Do you know what? It's time to go to weird internet, but not Wikipedia today.

That's good. Let's keep running with that name. It's the kind of thing that could be on WeirdCabedia, but yeah, okay. We're not deviating too much from the team. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. So you've brought some interesting stupid deaths today. Yeah. I brought some interesting stupid laws of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

No way. Yes. Are we about to kill some Scots? Is that what we're about to do? Because there's loads of laws about those. Oh, there's that one, yeah. I lived near York when I was a boy, and there was allegedly. a law that if a Scots, if you're

standing inside the walls of York, and I think you might have to be like up on the actual ramparts, because there are city walls around it, they're ancient, you can shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow legally. Nice. I don't know if that's true. Sounds fair. Don't know how you'd tell if they're a Scotsman, but...

They might have to be playing bagpipes as well. Wearing a kilt. Yeah. Orange hair. Yeah. So, I want you to identify if any of these are not true. Oh, okay. source of these is from

h t tp colon forward slash forward slash britain explorer dot com slash strange hyphen british hyphen laws you can go there as well yeah are you ready yeah it is illegal to keep a pig star in front of your house unless duly hidden

okay yeah yeah it is illegal to willfully and wantonly disturb people by ringing their doorbells or knocking at their doors all right okay It is illegal to order or permit any servant to stand on a window sill to clean or paint it. It's illegal.

Okay. You'll get arrested if you ask your servant to do that. An employer cannot give a bad reference as this may constitute libel. Okay. It's illegal. It could be libelous. It is illegal to eat a mute swan

unless you're the queen of Great Britain. A mute swan. A mute swan. That's just a breed of swat. Right. Because they're very... loud yeah yeah okay that is one that is a bit more sort of famous yes and that one is true that's a true true so far oh they're all true yes okay all right i was i was trying to find the fake one

yeah all true so far okay amazing there are there are plenty more i want you to just shout out there might be there might be various fake ones but they are all true because my guess was um the knocking on people's doorbells would yeah not be is that actually illegal they're all everything i've said so you see What? Your pig style has to be around the back or duly hidden. That's fair. You want to keep the piggy pin outside. Don't you fucking knock on a doorbell if you're willfully and wantonly disturbing.

As a kid, I did that and the guy got his windows. I'll chuck a fucking pink toilet off your head, you little shit. Pink toilet? For some reason specified, pink toilet. Maybe he's got one. Yeah, maybe. Don't let your servants get on the windowsill. And a bad reference could be libelous.

That's true. It is illegal to eat a mute swan. unless you're the queen but it's slightly more complicated than people think and it's to do with like whether they're marked or unmarked swans or whatever

so I think like if a swan two swans have a baby that's not yet been like tagged you can probably eat it but you're not allowed to kill it you've got pounds quick you're never allowed to kill a mute swan but you can probably eat it

if it's unmarked I don't know it is still an offence to beat or shake any carpet rug or mat in any street in the metropolitan police district although you are allowed to shake a doormat before 8 a.m.

I feel like that's got to be a real one. That's way too specific to be fake. It is, yeah. It's true. It's true. That's a true one. It is an offence to be intoxicated and in charge of a cow in Scotland. That sounds true.

It carries a penalty fine of up to 1,200 Great British pounds. No way. Excluding the costs of looking after the cow. Oh, shit. Okay. That is true. Yeah. Sounds like a true one.

A person shall not enter the whole. of the Titanic without permission from the Secretary of State. What? A person shall not enter the hull of the Titanic without permission from the Secretary of State. Is this written when it wasn't at the bottom of the ocean? No, this is it as it is now. Oh, shit.

Oh, the Secretary of State? Yeah. Of the United Kingdom. I mean, I guess it's like a landmark. I guess so. Is there, do they have any jurisdiction over that? I don't know. That doesn't sound right, but it's probably true.

Yeah, I guess it's true. It's true. Oh my God, that's weird. So you've got to get permission if you want to go diving down there. Yeah. I'm pretty sure it's like so far down that you would die if you were that far. You have to go in like James Cameron Submarines, don't you? Oh God, James.

James. Under the terms of the 2004 Polish potatoes in England order. Right. No person shall in the course of business import into England potatoes which he knows to be or has reason to cause to suspect to be Polish potatoes. Is there some story behind? that's all I've got for you oh I'm gonna say it's true yeah it's true oh god it's true they're all true they're all true maybe some kind of polish potato disease that we're not

yeah maybe I'm bringing into England under the terms of a bylaw it is illegal to jump the queue in the tube ticket hall I love that it's illegal to jump the queue it's illegal that's where queues come from you can get apprehended by a policeman ohy if you jump the queue Stop there. Get back here. Stop right there. What do you think? Does that sound believable? That sounds true. Yeah.

It is. It's a very British law. All beached whales and sturgeons must be offered to the reigning monarch. The ranging mollusk. All beached whales and sturgeons must be offered. When you say offered, is that just like, hey. Do you want this? Do you want this big body?

Yeah. You have to go to the queen or her people and say. I'm going to change you up and say that's false. I'm going to say it's true. That's true. It's true. Oh. Weird.

They don't do it anymore, but it's written in the Law of England book. It's just a delicious treat, isn't it? It would be rude not to offer it. In London, it is illegal for a person with the plague to flag down a taxi or try and ride inside a bus. That's fair. That sounds fake. Mikey?

You think it's true? I mean, it makes sense, maybe not. It makes logical sense, but the time periods are way off there on the plague. Oh, yeah. That doesn't make it sense. Oh, you get a horse taxi, couldn't you? Not a bus. Horse bus.

This one's slightly sneaky in that it's true, but not in such specific words. So this is actually, if you have any notifiable disease, it's actually illegal to get onto public transport. Oh, okay. So if you had the plague, you're not allowed in a taxi. So you were being a sneaky peat? I was being a sneaky peat there. Well, I ripped that straight from the website. They had it written plague on a taxi

and then they put a footnote saying actually it's like if you've got any sort of this is the final one. The final countdown. It's false. It is illegal under the terms of the Prohibition and Inspections Act of 1998 to cause a nuclear explosion. Oh God, that's so pesky

because I was going to do that. Wait, is that legal? Is it not actually a law against that? Can I cause a nuclear explosion if I want to? Well, would they specify, do you think, in the 1998 Prohibition and Inspections Act? That sounds true. It's true, they're all true. Oh, every single one of those sounded ridiculous, but they were all true.

They don't sound real. In that, I remembered one ridiculous thing from my local area. People from Hartlepool are called monkey hangers, because in the 1800s, a French ship was like shipwrecked off the coast and everyone died on the ship except for one monkey I heard about this and the monkey was apparently dressed in a in like a sailor's outfit

and they took it to the court and it was tried took it on land and they hung it in the town for everyone to see I think it up as well first they beat it to within an inch of its life and then they hung it I'm not sure how true that is but that's like the story

how the story goes I've definitely heard of that I think I saw it on there's a little monkey coming up coming on land in a little outfit We're going to hang you, your little shit, because you're French. Yeah, take that. I'm going to look it up on Wikipedia.

I was actually just, I've had the Wikipedia arched open there. Oh, okay. According to local foreclore, the term originates from an incident in which a monkey was hanged in Hartlepool, England, during Napoleonic Wars. A French ship of the type, Chassee Marie was wrecked in a storm off the coast of Hartlepool. The only survivor from the ship was a monkey allegedly dressed in a French army uniform to provide amusement for the crew. Oh, it's adorable. On finding the monkey on the beach, some locals decided to hold up an impromptu trial

since the monkey was unable to answer their questions and because they had neither seen a monkey nor a Frenchman before, they concluded that the monkey must be a French spy. Being found guilty, the animal was duly sentenced to death and was similarly hanged on the beach. Oh no. Alternative theory is that it was a young boy who was hanged. The term powder monkey was commonly used

at the time for children employed on naval warships. There's a section in the article called The Monkey Song. In former times mid-war and strife, the French invasion threatened life, and all was armed to the knife. The fishermen hung the monkey, oh. The fishermen with courage high, seized on the monkey for a spy.

Hang him, says Yen, says another, he'll die. They did, and they hung the monkey, oh. They tried every move to make him speak. They tortured the monkey till loud he did squeak. Says Yen, that's French. Says another, it's Greek For the fisherman had got drunky Oh, he's all o'er hair

Some chap did cry Even up to somey cute and sly With a cod's head Then they closed an eye Afore they hung the monkey oh Monkey hanging So cause he was hairy And he went

They thought he was French God what would have think of me Yeah You'd have been I can't return to Hartlepool I think Killed on sight My goodness Peter

Thank you very much for bringing that. For that little exploration into quintessential weird Britishness. Absolutely delightful. Yes. We have two final questions. We are going a bit long though, so let's try and keep it concise if we can. We're very good at that.

Jacob Rea at the J Rear. Like gonorrhea or diarrhea? Exactly the same. Do you have any plans to go to more events? For example, EGX would be amazing if you did a meet and greet or something like that. Now we are obviously going to glitch in October, which is the new date. I believe we are going to insomnia. We don't have a deer for that, but we should hopefully be heading along.

We believe we are going to that. And I would really like to go to EGX even if we're not doing a panel or anything, because EGX is great and it's not too far away. I'd love to. It's lots of fun. So we should look into that. And if you're going to those, we'll announce close to the time what we're going to and what we aren't going to. So, yes, hopefully at some point.

Next question, final question. This is from the hairy Homo sapiens. So he would have been hanged, I think, on that. beach. Absolutely. At RAH Hunt 93. What is something very British about your childhood slash life that you would struggle explaining to someone from another country?

Oh, Jesus. I struggled to think of a thing for this. All I all, like, this is the weirdest bit of my childhoods. At the time a group of kids were playing with a brick and by the garages near my house, they essentially tied a piece of rope around a brick and we're just swinging it around having fun, just, ooh, got a brick on a string. Yeah, it's fun. And I think I was like,

8, 9 years old, I just ran in the path of the brick and it knocked me out. Oh, my God. And I just ran home, like, vision blurred, like, we're... Oh, that explains everything. Yeah, and my mom just put me in the bath with a bit of, what's it called, like the disinfectant stuff. Oh, uh, deathal? Detail, yeah, put in a bath of that, are you fine? Didn't go to the hospital, I just had a bath of death all, and it sorted me out.

But I don't think the issue was germs. Like, why did she give you... Probably, I does explain a lot. Does she give you a detox? I think it was so, like, the wound wasn't. The most British thing about your childhood slash life That no one else would understand Well, I had butted a brick when I was a ween

And I had a bath in chemicals Ben, do you have one? Yeah, but it's very different from the route that Michael took us Which is to be expected, really That's what I do So we used to have a village fate every year Of course And I just want to go into some of the details

Because some people from other countries might be like, what the fucking... That's a fight. So we had a local Aunt Sally team. Oh, yeah. A what? Aunt Sally. Isn't that a euphemism for your period?

Aunt Sally's visiting. Sure. Yeah, competitive period having. Yeah. No, Aunt Sally is a pub game. Speed bleeding. And it's... Oh, fuck.

And it's basically, you've got, from what I remember, correct me if I'm wrong, Aunt Sally enthusiasts. It's like a stick that comes out the ground and you balance a ball on it and you stand a set distance away and you've got these batons these wooden sticks

and you have to throw the wooden sticks at the stick down the end and knock the ball off and there were actual competitive teams in my area for the different villages with the different pubs because each village

you know it's just it's an Oxfordshire village it has like six pubs in it and even though it only has about 500 people living in it so there was that they used to do all the all the local

contests like the biggest marrow and stuff. And there were kids competitions as well where I got a fence post and I cut the end off so it had the pointy bit and then I cut little bits of wood off it and I made a really sort of crude biplane.

Okay. I painted it green and I put stickers on it and everything so it looked like a Royal Air Force biplane and I entered it in the competition and we all had to leave the tent while the judges went round. Yeah, very nervous. go back in and mine had a

like I can't remember which place I came in regardless though a little envelope next to it and it had 50p in it oh my god that I won for my even though the stick it's probably cost you a pound

well it didn't cost me anything because you know parents you don't think about that do you when your children 50p 50 entire pea which I was then able to go and buy cakes with at the same thing and then go on the coconut shy which is another thing

but village fates are the best fucking thing. They're so lovely, if you're white. Yeah. They're so lovely and you're English. They're really nice. If you're straight, you better be, even if you're straight but not married, fuck off. Get out. You're either married or you're alone.

Having a child, they have two options. You're not welcome to their feet. They're like, they're very quintessentially English. I hope you only have a dog or a cat at home. If you have a fucking iguana, what are you doing? Disgusting. It's basically hot. Bring your beagle a lot. actually real, isn't it? Yeah, of course, anyone of any creed would be welcome, but it is a, it's an almost exclusively white affair, usually.

But it was lovely. It was just, you know, it's just childhood. You just grow up with that. And it was a very nice thing. I imagine you have some very Yorkshire things. Yeah, mine's, it's similar. It's not actually a fate, but, um, uh, what the fuck do they call it? Hello?

I'm trying to think of the word. It'll come to me. In the villages that I grew up, there was a sort of an association of small villages that all came together to form a kind of district. Like a parish. Like a parish, yeah. In the parish I grew up in,

they had this thing where it's called the rush cart, and I'm not entirely sure how much of the cart is made of rushes. or exactly what that entails. But part of the celebrations of Rush Cart Weekend in which a cart is paraded around the villages is Morris Dancing. Oh, nice.

Now, Morris Dancing is difficult to explain. It's incredibly difficult to explain, especially the blackface. Yeah. We've talked about this in the video before, haven't we? Yeah, it's never, it is not remotely racially related at all. No. The black face in Morris dancing. They claim it's not really related.

It goes way back. There's all sorts of weird aspects. Before black people existed, yeah. Yeah, before we knew that they existed. Yeah, we didn't know they were there, but yeah. I've looked up, the rush cart isn't made of rushes. It's a wooden cart pulled by a horse, but it has rushes in it. Wow. What's a rush?

It's like a sort of... It's a little man, frantic running around, oh, I'm late, ooh, I'm late, ooh. It's like dried... Just loads of copies of that DVD from Ron Howard to the film he made. That James Hunt. It's sort of dried plant stuff. I think you can, like, weave them to... together, I guess it's not a million miles away from wicker or like papyrus or something

like, it's that kind of stuff. And sort of your, the parishioners all, all gather around. You have, it's around May time. So you have like little girls in white dresses bearing flowers and all that kind of celebration of spring. But some things that are associated with Morris dancing up and down the country are incredibly bizarre. There's, for example, there's a character, I don't think they had it where I was, but Jack in the Green, which is... Oh, I think I've heard of that. It's like a giant hedge with a man inside, and the man walks around. He might not even have a hole for his face.

It's very pagan, isn't it? It is. It's very strange. It's made of real, like, pine or whatever, like branches. A touch of pine. And then there's a hobby horse. Are you aware of a hobby horse? It's like a horse's skull on a wooden stick.

Are you okay, Michael? It's all... I quite prefer my getting hit with a brick story. Yeah, maybe you did know all of this, but then the brick took it out. Yeah, that instant. There are a whole load of, like, weird aspects to Morris dancing and the like where it's very, what's the film called, it's like Wicker Man. Yeah, yeah.

It's that kind of stuff, like, people wearing masks with, like, weird animal faces. But they'll live a normal life and then they'll suddenly just bust it out one weekend. Oh, yeah, and they've all got bells and ribbons and they wax sticks at each other. Yes, the stick. Stick-whacking is an interesting one, isn't it? Yeah. And they wear sort of weird Tudor outfits with puffy trousers on it. Oh, I want to look puffy trousers.

And there's a sort of a black-faced thing. And also, in some villages, I think they actually whip a woman who volunteers for it. As part of tradition, she's like, no, I'm willing for it. They whip her with, like, holly branches, like prickly branches until she draws blood. Oh, okay, no, not so funny. Yeah, no. She gets scratched until, yeah. Surely that would only take one, right?

Hopefully, yeah. God, about it. Maybe she's trying to get a bad bed that night. Just cover your bed sheets and blood and it would be a cozy. You just smash her on the arm with a, like, a prickly holly branch until she... It's very bizarre. People need to, like, Google this shit. Like, I didn't really come prepared.

If I'd known, more in advance, I would have looked up, you know, Morris dancing and weird pagan things. But yeah, there was certain things of that. Maybe that should be the thing you bring next time. Yeah, I'll explain in for. Bring some strange pagan village local stuff. stuff yeah that'd be great that'd be good wonderful well thank you very much for those questions everybody um if you want to wear the beautiful headphones we're wearing uh you can get them bit dot ly forward slash vidy it's beach these are turtle beach headsets the podcast is sponsored by them we

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secret question. Were you ever hit on the head with a brick, or was that just me? Yeah, can we just get a load of nose in the comments today? Oh, God. I hate one. happens it's just all the same thing it's like when you said post down but what did you make him say post in the comments if you get to the end it was like watermelon's my dear yeah that's not okay no well not i mean i assume what about what color of brick would you like to be hit in the head with if you had to be hit in the head yeah yeah yeah yeah and explain your answer

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What a long one See you later Bye Bye Bye Bye You know, and a lot of

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