Podiots - Podiots: Episode 92 - Auntie Vax

Episode Date: December 21, 2021

Mikey's burnt his plums, Peter gets a visit from an intruder and Ben has some festive guessing games Donate £3 or more to get a shout out and join the Pod Squad! - https://streamlabs.com/podiotsdonations/   New merch: http://smarturl.it/Podiots Twitch: Twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord:  http://bit.ly/VidiotsDiscord   Ben and Peter's channel 'TripleJump': https://www.youtube.com/teamtriplejump Mikey's Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/parrotboy Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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It's Christmas! Oh, I'm so excited. How are you looking forward to lockdown? Four? Is it four? I can't even know where we're at now. Well, I think the last one didn't really count. Let's say four. Well, by the time this podcast goes out,

they might have cancelled Christmas. I might be locked down five Yeah Oh dear Are either you at all in the festive spirit Because I'm definitely not No I'm really not feeling it this year at all

Aren't you No I'm all right with it I'm like Christmas I'm not as Christmassy as I have been in the past In other years I mean certainly not last year That was a very bad one

But I'm somewhere in the middle I'm okay I'm feeling some Christmas Oh that's nice That's good I'm going to see family soon and that might change things. Yeah, hopefully.

Yeah, being served on hand and foot, being fed little bites to eat. That's the dream. That's the Christmas I know and love. Oh, for the small price of, Ben, can you come and help empty the dishwasher? Oh, forget it. I'm leaving. Michael, can you sell the printer? This is how dare you? This is me time.

I don't want to empty the dishwasher. I'm not 12 anymore. We haven't put up our, like, any decorations yet either. They've just not had the time. so we've got a barren house. I think that's the main factor in this lack of Christmas cheer for myself. Yeah.

Yeah, we've got our tree up since like the 30th of November. So I'm normally not a pre-December tree kind of guy, but my grandparents were coming over on like the first weekend of December and we thought it'd be nice to have it up for them. And we wouldn't have had chance to buy it any other day other than the 30th of November. So that's when we got it. We put it up.

You got a real tree? Yeah, real. tree. Whoa. It smelled nice for like two days and now I'm just nose blind to it, which doesn't normally happen. I find that I can normally smell. I can't smell it.

But this year I just can't. I don't know if it's because, I mean, we're in a different house now and maybe there's something about the fact that we're just constantly in the living room. Whenever we're awake in this house, we're just in the same room with the tree. So probably just over exposed to it. But I don't know. Have fun removing it from the house where it leaves behind this. Lovely little trail of needles a bit.

Well, Michael Johnson. And the greenhouse, the garden centre we bought it from gave us a flyer. And they said, we'll come around and remove your tree. When you're done, we'll recycle it for free. Magic. Crazy. I don't know what the catch is. There's got to be some kind of trick.

But, yeah, that's what they said. Interesting. Christmas miracle. Changes everything. Have you ever burned a Christmas tree? Yeah, really dry one once. I've burned one in like February. It's pretty exciting, isn't it?

Yeah. Wait, what? I've never had it. a real Christmas tree at any point in my life. So I didn't realize burning was part of it or something people did. It shouldn't be. It's not a tradition, no. It's just, my grandparents used to quite often have fires.

They had a little field out the back and they had quite a big garden. So there was constantly like various prunings and twigs and branches and stuff that needed burning. So they would have fires quite often. And they burn a Christmas tree. Man, it's smoky. Yeah, it goes up real quick. Yeah. Like scary, scary.

And it's loud, too. It is very loud. It's like one of those poppy ones? Yeah, kind of. Like it all just goes up in one go. It's quite spectacular, actually. Yeah, it's hell of fun. You know what I'm doing next Christmas then?

No, Michael. I think I'm in ten trees and burning them all. It's sick, yeah. Well, I think it's time, gentlemen. Top into the Christmas podcast. Play the Christmas-e version of the intro theme. No, I don't think we've got one of this. Do we not?

We have a jingling, a jingly version. Oh, do we? No, that's fine then. I think, I think so. I'd be dobbing myself in it here when I've got to make that from scratch tonight, but... Yeah, I'm not making one. Saying that now. Whatever I put in here, okay?

We'll just roll the Halloween one again. Yeah, that'll be fine. Screams and witch cackles. When I'll wake up in the morning and the long gets out of water, I don't think I'll ever make it on time. By the time I grab my books And I give myself a look I'm at the corner

Just in time to see the bus fly by It's all right Because I'm safe at the bill Hello Hello everybody and welcome to Pottie It's the official Adidates Podcast

It's a conversational podcast Where we take some questions From you at home And obey the law of the three Ho's where everybody Brings How Thing To Talk

Walk, go about. I'm Ben. I'm Peter. And I'm Michael. Jump into Christmas. Is it jumping to Christmas? Step into Christmas. It's a less active commitment.

Kick into punch into Christmas. Punch into Christmas. I want just to want the super aggressive version of that song. Smash into Christmas. Pile drive into Christmas. We do need more aggressive Christmas music. It's all, like, the actual season, it can be quite manic. And we need some modern music to reflect that.

Not all this lovely, lubby-dubby, do do-do-do-do-do. I don't even know what that was, but it's pleasant music. Have a fucking decent Christmas. Have a really decent one. Eat some fucking turkey. The intentions of the darknesses don't let the bell end. The bell end, yeah. Can be read as quite sort of,

threatening. If you go the, you know, don't, don't let it end. No, don't. God, please. Don't let the bell end. You'll have me to answer to if that bell ends. I will fucking kill you if you let my bell end. Be really cross. Oh, shit.

Are we collectively, not collectively, are we going back to various families, family homes for Christmas? Mikey, are you staying put? Of course, I'm going back up north for about a week just before Christmas. Christmas, it'd be lovely, be around Paco and get some northern delicacies back in me and a top-up of the accent, because I'm markedly less northern than I was a year ago, so he said, get my white eyes back in and my... Yeah. Oh, wait, there's got to be something in there.

Mikey, there's an amazing place in the Granger Market that does vegan donuts. Ooh, he piqued my interest. You never told me about this, man. Well, it was sort of a surprise. I have another vegan friend. I'm sorry, Mikey. And he was like, I followed them on Instagram. They look amazing.

And so we went there and I bought one. And I tell you what, sign of quality for me at least, didn't taste like a vegan donut. It's like a normal donut. Oh my God, it's magical. But it was fucking lovely. So I'll have to remind me and I'll send you the, I'll send you their information.

You've got to go check it out. Yes, please. It reminds me of, well, The donuts are now the second most exciting thing I've ever seen around Granger Market because I remember one Christmas. I saw Ross Kemp walking around Granger Market. Wow.

What's he doing there? I can't remember what it was. I think it was like some TV show about the dangers of Christmas markets because after I think it was that string of them getting attacked. It looked like it was about to get festive. So I got out of there. Five six quid four years.

Absolute war zone. Maybe he's followed around with a camera and some armed guards, which is very festive. That's so weird That is really weird If there was one city He's got to be safe in It's Newcastle

He was around Good times, good times In other news Are you heading to family? I am Yeah I was just going to say This is completely unrelated

But my My computer updated last night And I've just realized It's changed the temperature Into Fahrenheit On my task bar How my work PC did that And I was wondering

what the hell had happened gross god's sake um fucking microsoft sorry i just i had to i just had to tell the whole world that i'm baffled how is that temperature how can it's not 42 degrees at her side there's no way that's right um i am going home to the family yeah um we are um amy and i are being shared again this year between our two families that's the problem when you you know you're so popular everyone loves you and your family. You've not fallen out with any of them yet. Give it time.

It will happen. But no, we're seeing one set of parents on Christmas Eve day, staying the night, getting up on Christmas morning, doing some presents there, then going to the other set of parents, which is only an hour away, fortunately. And the roads are absolutely dead on Christmas Day. So it's pretty...

Doesn't sound too bad. Pretty quick journey, yeah. And then spend the rest of the Christmas Day there. So... Lovely. Yeah, seeing plenty of your family. over the festive period. Yeah.

Well, we here at Pottie, it's wish all of you at home are very safe and happy. Festive period, regardless of what you do or don't celebrate. I hope you get to spend some time with family

and maybe enjoy bank holiday if you're in the UK. And if you're in retail, our thoughts are with you. Bless you all. F's in the chat for you. And you're still in family too, aren't you, Ben?

Yes, yes. Yes, that'll be lovely. I'll be able to see my grandmas, which will be nice. And, yeah, I haven't seen some of these family members for a long old time. Yeah. So it'll be nice, you know, before the novelty wears off after about three minutes. Yeah.

And you want to go back to her. Racist uncle Derek comes out and says, oh, this is why I don't talk to me. I don't know if I have any racist uncle Derek's. I think I'm quite lucky. Oh, I think that's just my family then, isn't it? I'm all right. I've just got, and a lot of people have this, Brexit grandma? Do you have a Brexit grandma?

I have a Brexit grandma. I don't think any of my, I don't think my grandparents voted Brexit, but I think they have some opinions shared with some Brexiteers kind of thing. I think on balance they thought EU is better, but yeah, they've got, they've got thoughts. I've got an anti-vaxx-uncle. Whoa! Oh, anti-uncle Vaxer. Yeah, anti-she is that, yeah, I've got an anti-vaxxer.

That's very good. Well, we'll all enjoy navigating those choppy waters over the next couple of weeks. This is, of course, our final podcast of the year. We'll be back in early January at some point, maybe a first, probably second week of January, to be honest. But, yes, we will proceed with the episode now. We've got lots of things and festive, presumably festive questions from all of you. But first, we need to talk about streamlabs.com forward slash potty its donations. If you go there and support us by donating three pounds or more, you can get a shout-out.

out at the beginning and the end of the show. It really helps us. You've all been obscenely generous this year and you've written some really lovely, lovely messages for us that we're going to read some out some. We're going to read out some of them now. Michael, we begin with one vowel from Shira who is very generous. Thank you very much and have left us a little message. Merry Christmas to you and the entire Walrus clan. Thank you for continuing to provide laughs during dark times and for doing this, an addition to being excellent elsewhere. Have a great festive break. A kees.

Thank you very much, Shiraz. Thank you. Keyes. Donak, 07, NFT of the McNuggy's cake. Big fan of that. If NFTs weren't just so demonstrably bad, that would be a great idea. Sadly not. Festive Fox 42, Warhammer, Age of Chegmar.

Christmas, Caroline, who was very generous, and they say, You there, what day is this? Scrooge shouted to the boy. The boy gave a puzzled look. It's Christmas morning, sir. Scrooge tossed a handful of 50p coins to the boy and said, Take these to Peter Austin. I really don't want to, sir, said the boy. Beautiful tale, thank you.

Thank you. Heartwarming. Coin warming as well. Oh, very bad. Bartek and Xmas Caroline shit forgot to date donate again for Rosie is Gilbourne Supreme

Crafty Sider Bristol LTE Happy Grussy Time No It's absolutely not grussy time thank you Sam de Jingle Barber is very generous and they say I fell asleep listening to party It's

I fell asleep listening to party Party hits, sorry. Potty hits. I think it's meant to be poddietz. It's like it might have been dictated to his phone. It's not party it's, it's poddiots. I fell asleep. Hey, that's how Americans say it, right?

I fell asleep listening to Poddietz and it subsequently dreamed that you locked. Oh my God. Hold on. This is a difficult one. Michael, you can do this. This isn't Mikey's fault. This has been spoke, he said, Alexa, please write this message to to stream labs.

Party it's. I think locked is you lot, not you locked. Yeah. I dreamed that you lot were putting on a play. I don't know what was going on, but you were all on stage and that Dave on Twitter was trying to sabotage all your lines. At the end, he got a standing ovation. Of course that guy did. Yeah.

Sadly, that didn't translate to a standing ovulation, but... No. Not have more. Thank you very much, Sam. Sorry for the festive period. Oh dear, let's run away from that as quick as we can. Very good, though. Merry Chegmus, to all.

Jimmy, the rustler, who's very generous. Arse face. Old stooky claws. Pro trainer, who's also generous, and they say, Hey, guys, as this is the last episode of the year, I just want to say, I hope everyone in the Pod Squad has a good holiday period, no matter what or how they celebrate.

Can't wait to see what things get brought along to talk about in the new year. Gis-kees. Thank you. Giskees. And finally, delicious, delicious, festive cheg-nog. It's generous and they say. Been watching for years, but never been able to afford to donate until now. So here's some monies and a massive thank you

for all the entertainment over the years and channels. Have a lovely Christmas and New Year and keep on being their best boys or girls. Thank you. Thank you. Well, the tiny troupe this fortnight begins with. Merry Chegmas, everyone. Bowe.

Sir Digby Benson Phillips, who was very Janeerish, and said, just want to say a huge thank you to you boys for keeping Pottie. It's going. It's still my favourite podcast, and I promise a big donation when I start my new job in a few months' time. Love your boy diggers. Thank you, Dishers. You don't have to do that. There's no expectation.

It's all gratefully received. Thank you very much. Chega Slovakia, but festive. Momo beans. Lord Weynachtzmanvich. You've included the message there, Ben, but that wasn't very generous. Disgusting. We're not reading his message out.

Jeez. Mikey needs grussie. Stephen Skodes, who was very generous and said, Hello, boys. thank you all for a fun year every pod squad I've not been in Ben's fast crew explain yourself Ben

JK, love you really you boys have done an amazing job on Poddiots this year and here's to many cool episodes in the new year love you boys thank you Stephen if you want to get in the fast crew

we do it in reverse chronological order and Mikey gets the most recent Peter gets the second most recent and I get the oldest so if you put your donation in as soon as you see that we've started recording Podiots

by the stupid Dave Benson Phillips image. Yeah, that's probably how you get in. Yeah, donate as soon as you see it, Dave, yeah. Rainier Drop Joy, Freddie Weber is Rudolph, a very meaningful poddiots. Pete Benson, Michaelips, Uncle Tim with the long finger, the very, very generous rye bread boy, who says, whether it was being drawn, by Mikey, I was the sexy bee, or just making the commute

bearable with poddits, I cannot thank you enough for all the entertainment. I wish I could have donated more. Big love from Dan Ander. Thank you very much, right, Bradford. Thank you. Thank you. Endlessly. That was more than enough. Carolling with Caroline. Harold Holt

Aquatic Centre. Let's Game of the Year 2020. Oh, sorry, Legs game of the year, 2022. Is that legs? Is that legs? Caroline, it's finally over. Oh, no.

The very generous Prince Beefcakes, who says, Hard to believe it was three years ago that was first hearing about chocolate grandma while shoveling a foot of snow off the driveway of a house I'd been trapped in without power for three days

with nothing but an air mattress and my cat. Hug, hug, kiss, kees. Oh, Prince Beefcakes. What a curse Christmas. That'd be doing all right. Thank you. And finally, in my, in my gats,

is fish come, all ye faithful. Lovely, thanks. Ah, very good. And finally, in the fast crew, we've got the very generous Alan Claw, who said Merry Chrysler, my dudes, thank you lots and lots for all the laughs this year, Kisekees.

He's also got the very generous. You know it's all about Dacombe, who said Merry Crimbles, boys, girls, ferrets, and other. Hope everyone has a grand Christmas season, full of joy, not getting stuck with the family for too long, because Blair. Don't forget to spread those chance.

cheeks. Slap those balls and enjoy and enjoy all the Christmas ham. Oh, that sounds like a weird invitation. Thank you so much. Stupid sexy flounders. The very generous pollen-packed pipe, who said, yes, it was intentional. How were that hot dogs at the Christmas market? This is a callback to last episode where pollen-packed pipe gave an obscene amount of money, quite frankly, and they made us very uncomfortable. Oh, thank you very much, pollen-packed pipe. That was obscene. Thank you. I haven't gotten down to the Christmas market yet, but if I can find Ross Noble, was it Ross Kemp or Ross Kemp? Ross Kemp. Oh, shit. You must have been really confused when I said, if there's one place, it'd be safe, it's Newcastle. I just thought you meant that, like, Jesus Christ. As a hard man. I just thought you meant that the Jordies would respect a hard man. Oh, no, not that at all. I just thought, because Ross Noble, I heard Ross and I was like, what's Ross Noble doing there? It's way weirder that Ross Kemp was in Granger Market with bodyguards. I take it back, yeah.

Well, that's why I reacted the way I did because I thought Ross Noble was wandering around with armed cards. That's why I said. Documentary about dangerous Christmas market. That's why I said I got out of there. Yeah, well, yeah, that, you know what? Yeah. Completely got the right end of the stick, didn't I?

Seemingly. Anyway, what were we talking about? Yeah, Ross Noble wasn't there. Oh, no. Ross Kemp might have been. Yes. Mikey's floppy topper. Yeah.

Yeah, okay. Tommy the Wang Kenjin, who's very generous, and says, salmon sperm, my time to shine. Salmon sperm also called, oh, milt. Milt. Oh. Actually comes out, spelled the sex way, easily.

It's all a matter of squeezing in the right place. Milt can even sploge when salmon get eaten by bears. Source, wildlife major, and forest worker, happy holidays, loves. Wow. got a DM from Tommy the Wang Kenjin who provided extra information about this and said they didn't want to put it all in their donation. But in case we're interested, salmon gets harvested quite often because a lot of Pacific salmon are in decline.

So scientists, specific salmon. Specific salmon, I beg your pardon. Yeah, the specific ocean. So scientists will go harvest salmon semen as well as salmon eggs, then cultivate them at a hatchery. But if you're, though, getting salmon, oh, Thor, Thor. Okay, it doesn't say thought, but that's what it's meant to say. If you're thought getting salmon sperm was odd, getting salmon eggs is even more interesting.

They have to cut the salmon's underside like they're opening a box, and then thousands of small orange salmon eggs come flooding out. This may sound cruel to kill the salmon mama, but female salmon die very soon after laying their eggs anyway. A trip back from their saltwater oceans to their freshwater homes really takes a toll on them. Fuck them. Yeah, so may as well cut them open, I suppose.

Wow, we've learned so much in this pod squad. Tommy the one Kenjin knows far too much about sandwiches for my liking. Yeah, it's suspicious. Yes, what's up there, Tommy? Gracious, though, thank you. Thank you very much. Mr. Black, Mr. the black-nosed reindeer. That's a bit of a stretch, Mr. Black, but thank you.

When are you joining Pickax? Jenny, will you marry me? I don't know if that's real. If that's real, you better give us an update. Go on, Jenny. But you should spend 20 pounds and get an actual message red rather than put it. oh no what do you mean no the hell with you then we've fallen into a trap again oh i see i paused halfway through the gag sorry ben we read this what do you mean no why do we keep doing this

fuck i just assume that people because these again we do these in reverse order so i assume that people don't understand and the gag goes the wrong way right but they've actually done it reversed so that we read it out properly and it's yeah the mental gymnastics involved in the delivery of this joke and we fuck it up it's it's it's so sorry that's really really is uh you upset your mother ben did i she is crying now okay there's another one not i just cut off mr maca the very generous shit december for wankers who said merry christmas boys or girls and girls or boys i will be spending most of christmas uh most of december stacking fertilizer for 12 hours a day six or seven days a week I look forward to listening to Podiotts and the TJ Podder's background noise Thank you for all your content Wow bless you really is a shit December Shit December

Caroline slept with Cheggers Newcastle upon D's nuts Just keep swimming ash And Finn Tristam My goodness That was a big old long old pod squad there Such generosity We super duper appreciate it

Thank you so much We do thank you so much You're fantastic Once again, streamlabs.com forward slash poddy its donations, three pounds on more to get a shout out, the beginning and the end of the show. Mikey? Yes. You got a question.

It is indeed question time. We start our festive questioning with Kieran Marshall at show, show one Kron 229. I don't know what that's supposed to be. Shuriken. There's Kieran. Shuriken, like a throwing star. Yeah, yeah.

That's cool with that. Shearachia. Oh, very good. There you go. He's cracked it. Is that it? That must be it. I don't even have written in front of me. You deciphered it better than I do, and it still looks like a jumbole letters to me. Well done. This wasn't a triglyceride. Triglyceride. Oh, no. Trees don't exist anymore. Oh, no. Oh, no. What does everyone put out every year and smothering baubles,

tinsle and lights? Instead of the trusty old tree. trees don't exist anymore that's kind of problematic for life yeah my first thought wouldn't be oh what are we going to do at christmas oh no this is our last christmas of breathing air and then it's all going to hell do you know what i think would look pretty good with baubles and tinsel all over it mr blobby oh he would look beautiful wouldn't he so everyone has like a maybe a taxidomized blobby we open some sort of nature as a of somewhere in, I don't know where, maybe in Britain, maybe somewhere with a warmer climate. And we breed huge herds of blobs.

And then every year they get harvested by hunters, they get stuffed and mounted, and people pop them in the corner of the lounge with bubbles and tinsel and a star on his head. Do we, yeah, I have questions, Michael, you may have similar questions. I'm ready to take questions now, please. Do we harvest the blobby meat? Is it sort of like, does he have an exoskeleton? Or does the blobby slowly rot over the course of a month? Yeah, I think like when you, I imagine that when you tax a demise an animal,

they empty it out and just put sand in it, right? So we take the blobby meat out. We fill in with, you know, sand or something. And the blobby meat, I feel, I don't know about you guys. I feel it's kind of, it's probably like some sort of pink yogurt inside. It's sort of tubby custard, I feel. Yeah. So that just gets potted.

You put lids on it, and then it gets sold to help your bones grow stronger. Do you think it'll be easy to harvest yourself? Because it could be like a turkey situation where you buy a blobby and you drain the blobby at home and then you decorate the blobby and then you have dessert. Yeah, perhaps it's like when you buy lobsters or crabs at the supermarket, which I've never done. But the fancy supermarkets, you can buy them. they're all still alive.

They've just got their pincers tied up because that's how you cook them. So you go to the special blobby mart and there is just in horrible bondage gear all gagged up and hogtied. There are these blobys that you have to take home, boil yourself and then, yeah, make delicious strawberry yogurt.

B.Y.O.B. Ball your own blovies. What if you, can we have a boil in the bag, blobby? Oh, no. Yeah. Blubbissons. Blobison's I want to know if you were like

maybe if you were cut a cross section of Blobby would he have a shape in his meat like Billy Bear Ham would you have like a blobby

Seld Hoyer's meat company back at it again and then at the at the end you could cut him open remove all the sand fill him with air

and he'd be a little blobby Babylonie oh Peter you're firing on a home run you need to come back down to earth where we are

indeed oh Pete that's Yeah, beautiful. Man. Do you have a suggestion, Mikey? I was just thinking, like, you create a Christmas pile. So, like, on the first day of December, you lay it down.

Just one big Christmas hemorrhoid for everyone. You do it nicely. So you've got this, like, structuring chaos to it. And then the next day and every day of December after that, you slowly start peeling away the layers. It's at the middle of this festive pile or the Christmas presents. What is it a pile of? I don't know.

and you think that far ahead. Yeah, that's what I was wondering. It's closed or it's just a pile. Christmas pile is anything that looks remotely Christmas related. So could be Christmas jumpers, could be DVD copies of the fucking chicken run. Oh, for the reason I picture Chicken Run is the ultimate Christmas film. Thanks to BBC playing it every year on Christmas. Yeah.

It's just all the Christmas gubbins you got. And as December goes on, you start picking it up, tidying it, putting back where it belongs. and then you get a Christmas date, your presents are there, and all your Christmas stuff is packed away, right? It's the best, it's the ultimate Christmas. Just tell you now. I like it. I like you start unwrapping.

You start wrapping and then unwrapping sort of for the whole of December, but the presents inside the big present pile. Yeah, and like, you know, like in a normal Advent calendar, you get a nice, delicious bit of chocolate or a picture of a donkey or something with this. It's just endless tidying. Great.

Yeah. Sounds awesome, man. Sounds so good How about you, Ben? Well, I mean, the answer is pretty obvious to me Just use a fake tree, right? Oh, yeah, it's like most people do, right? Most people do, a tree that you put in the loft

And then pull back down and you fold the branches down. Yeah. Just use a fake tree. You can get them in silver, green, the clean, the cleanups easier, there's no deforestation. I mean, we're all fucked anyway because there's no more oxygen left, apparently. But a fake tree.

It's like the Lisa's wedding episode of the Simpsons where there's like a hologram and the guy goes and kicks the... It's like a hologram of a tree and it's like fizzing and like broken. A guy goes and kicks the little plaque underneath it. And it says, in memory of a real tree. Oh, that's so sad.

Yeah. That'll be us soon. All right. Thank you very much. Would anybody like to begin with their thing? Yeah, okay. I can start. Oh, do I have to flip a 50p, boys?

Oh, careful. Might be better off with a 20. Mikey, you go first. Okay, let's go. Season of goodwill to all Mikey's. Thank you. Thank you, good sir. What an honour.

Most of the Christmas traditions we take for granted today are Victorian inventions. Christmas trees, Christmas stockings and Christmas carols didn't exist much before the 1840s. Yet, while these are somewhat diverting, the most exciting and outrageous Victorian traditions have been almost fully forgotten. Indeed, in the early years of Queen Victoria's rule, Christmas rivaled spring break for sheer borediness and self-destruction. Here we go, strap in. nowhere more evident than in the bonkers Victorian parlour game of Snapdragon.

Oh, that sounds rad. You heard of this before? This is not a word that I've even read before, I don't think. I'm aware of the word snap dragon. I think, is it a flower as well as Snapdragon? It's definitely a wrestling move. Is it? Yeah.

I've heard of it, but I don't know if I've heard of it in this context. I'm not sure. Well, in the Christmas context, it's a game that's traditionally played on Christmas. Christmas Eve. Players of Snapdragon must find themselves a broad, shallow ball and then prepare to risk their health. Okay. It's getting dangerous. Into this ball should be poured two dozen raisins, no more, no less. If raisins are hard to come by, almonds, grapes or plums will suffice. Very quickly, there is a legitimate raisin shortage in the UK at the moment because of Brexit. Really? You are kidding me.

Well, there was, I don't know if it's like a national thing, you'd probably still go and buy it, but there was a post that some, I think it was like an Italian shop in London, said we're unable to make such and such because of Brexit, and we don't, we can't get the stuff we need. And we will not apologize because we voted Remain. And some guy replied and said, well, I'll just get a delicious Christmas pudding then. And they replied and said, well, we're at a raisins as well. Where do you think they're grown, Kent? And just slammed him. But, yeah, I think they spelt that final word wrong. Why don't you think they're grown? You asshole. So if we can't get raisins, what is the saddest Brexit alternative? Um, for Christmas pudding or for raisins? Just for raisins in the monkeys game. Cachews.

Oh, that's still quite exciting. Do we grow cashews here? Like chicken poppers from KFC or something. Well, you probably can't grow pieces. Yeah. Oh, God. So once you've gathered your raisins or fat of stock, KFC chicken,

you should then pour an entire bottle of brandy into the ball which you've laid on the floor and on a, sorry, onto a sturdy table. Turn the lights down low. And then, with appropriate pinash, ignite the brandy. Oh. To play Snapdragon, arrange your family and friends around the blazing bowl. so that their faces are lit in a demonic fashion

and then one by one take turns plunging your hands into the flames in order to try and grab a raisin. What? Ridiculous, who thought of this? I swear to God if they have to eat these on fire. Yep, you've got it right. Oh.

If you can accomplish this, promptly extinguish the flaming raisin by popping it into your mouth and eating it. The flaming. Raisin sounds like an old washed-up 80s rocker. It was me kid's flaming raisin.

It used to be the flaming grape and then he just withers over time. Oh, fantastic. As one contemporary commenter wrote, the game quote, provided a considerable amount of laughter and merriment

at the expense of the unsuccessful competitors. Ah yes, burn scars. Lovely. It was so popular, in fact, that it was even celebrated in poetry. With his blue and lapping tongue, many of you will be stung. Snip, snap, dragon, for he snaps at all that comes, snatching at his feast of plums, snip, snap, dragon. Wow, that's cool.

Truly an inspiring game. And for the steadfast, Victorians, nothing announced it was Christmas morning better than blistered hands, burned lips, and scorched palate. The snap dragon was so much fun that had even had a non-seasonal variant named Flapp Dragon. Oh, steady on. Snipped a flap. In which a lit candle was placed in a mug of ale.

Participants sought the drink, sought to drink from the mug without setting fire to their beards, moustaches or hair. So it seems, yeah, there's a lot of entertainment seems to surround around getting burnt. Good.

But Snapdragon was not the only deranged Christmas pursuit on offer. For the Victorians were relentless innovators in painful drunken partying. Take Blind Man's buff, for example, which still played today, albeit in a watered-down form.

This variant of tag sees one blindfolded player attempting to tag the others. But the Victorians played an altogether tougher version in which, according to a contemporary chronicler, it is lawful to set anything in the room in the way of

folks to tumble over. whether it be to break arms, legs, or heads, tis no matter. Fucking war zone version of... Kill him. Merry Christmas. Yeah, see if we can give Grandad a concussion while he hunts for us. So painful and numerous were the injuries caused by playing bluff that is rumored that the game had been invented by country bone setters

as a way of ensuring business. Excuse me, what's a country bone setter? That is a person who sets your bones once they're broken. Oh, God. That's their whole job. Well, I imagine, yeah, what they probably had other things to do as well. I think they had other jobs,

but yeah, you would go to the country bone seter if you needed a bone set. That's my God. I'm just looking at pictures and it looks quite horrifying. There's lots of awful contraptions. No thank you.

I'm glad we live in the modern day of non-bond sets. Stick one on the Twitter thread. I'll find my favourite, yeah. And if anyone still had energy for the evening, with a game of hoop and hide a similar

diversion similar to hide and seek although it came with the caveat that if anyone was caught hiding in or near a bed they were shot better than that Peter the dispute ends in kissing oh sexy

that's my fun little roundup of mainly mainly burning your mouth on some grapes but also kissing in bed for the sake of hiding seek oh no thank you all very much for joining me.

Thank you, thank you. Bring back the, hey, bring back the Victorian period, am I right? Yeah, it was great. Cheers. Typhoid and burnt plums, my favorites. Yeah. No COVID, no. Sticking chairs in front of blindfolded people.

Good times. Truly, yeah, the best period we ever lived through. Well, we didn't live through, but that humanity ever faced. Yeah. Take me back. Would you boys like a question? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

This one comes from Harrison at Hazer on Twitter, who asks, Game approaches you with a request to concoct a new Christmas dinner in a can. What other meals would you jellify in order to create your own very own Christmas, vidiates Christmas tinner? So I guess this is our spin on, for people who aren't to wear Game, the UK retailer, most of yours sells a tin of Christmas dinner. and it's every bit as disgusting as you could possibly imagine. Yes, indeed.

It is. If we wanted to throw a tradition out the window, because the Christmas tin air is tradition, damn it. What would we put in our delicious Christmas meal? Well, firstly, you might want to keep my eye on Triple Jump because we may or may not have done something really, really bad. Oh, no! Coming up soon on main menu.

In terms of a meal I'd like to recreate, I think it's an obvious one, but we can definitely do the worst games, a meal in a tin and I don't think it would be that bad right are we going for gross factor or just like wow it actually kind of works I think you want a little bit of niceness to it I worry about the potato smileys would get soggy though oh they definitely would there's no preserving well maybe just to really to add something extra and to potentially make it more disgusting purely for for japes we could wash down the the the

worst games ever meal with the homemade cola syrup um maybe on the top layer that is grotesque that was supposed to be diluted like one part to eight parts water which we didn't realize nope just try it was savory as well yeah so that's really bad at the worst games ever meal for people who don't know was potato smiley faces chicken dippers and beans yeah beans but any other sort of beige food is sort of acceptable if you wanted nugs or curly fries or you know waffles potato grids waffles yeah yeah indeed i mean that was going to be my answer so i'm not really sure what else i would suggest i'm just thinking about mashed potato i think i'd have a bed of mashed potato on my can and just so i've got something nice to eat i want like a slice of pizza that's been

delicately rolled up so it just kind of slots into the can and then you use the pizza to dip like you know use the mashed potatoes a dip i for some reason i think that would be quite nice maybe i'm just a bit too obsessed with mashed potato but remember that it would have to be special mashed potato that can hold in a tin for a long period of time and reheat okay so it'll probably be not good mashed potato no i don't well i think most things put in a tin turn to not good variance of themselves. I think I'm just going to have my sad Christmas and...

Beans? Yeah. What is the, like, the benchmark for like putting stuff in in tins? Because it seems like you can do anything. I don't want to spam. Fine.

But I'll have beans. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just anything that hasn't lived before being put in the tin. Yeah. Or bread.

Bread. Like, is that the cheeseburger in a tin, I think I've seen around before? Oh, yeah. Oh, remember that chicken in a tin? That absolutely disgusting. Oh, God. All the, just grease.

It's just jelly. in the shape of a chicken when it comes out I'm going to have to You're going to have to what? Do you have to? Yeah, I'm Googling it right now I'm going to have to add it to the thread It's so disgusting

There's the gif of Miley Cyrus twerking That goes into that And it's really bad No It's the baddest It's getting worse It's getting worse It's getting worse

It's getting worse It's getting worse Here it is in the chat I don't want to see it I don't have to see it but I'm going to look at it anyway How dare you Oh God it's so slimy

How dare you It's absolutely abhorrent Isn't it? Sweet sous tanned canned whole chicken Not tanned I wish it was tanned It's so

It's so pale Can I add that to the thread Do you think Well I've already added it Okay It's up there tasty Good

Fantastic Fantastic. One of you boys like to do a thing Yeah, I would I would So this is a story that I had already seen

Actually I was thinking of bringing it along And then Jack Squires At Jay Squires Underscore comedy on Twitter Also DM'd it to me So I thought, hey, yeah, sure I'm with you, let's do it

So this is according to The Sun Excellent newspaper The Scum, sorry As they call it on Twitter written by Lottie Tip Lady Bishop Wow That's a name That's an incredible surname

Tip Lady hyphen bishop Bonesetter Lotty country bone setter Here we go then Christmas Grinch I spent 85 Oh no sorry There's no it's just Christmas Grinch and then it continues

I spent £85 pounds on a Grinch visit only for him to trash my house and pour a bottle of juice on my son juice. Juice is in all caps. Sounds like Valley for money. That's great. I know. A mum was furious after paying £85 for a quote-unquote Grinch experience that left her house

totally trashed. Laura McGill said she was disgusted by the experience after the Grinch, in air quotes, smashed eggs on her floor, covered the kitchen tiles in fairy liquid, and poured juice, again in caps, on her son. She wrote on Facebook, quote,

So, paid £85 for Grinch visit, advertises the Grinch to come in, mess the kid's bed. I mean, let's not even think about what that means. Have pillow fights, put toilet, wheel around your Christmas tree and pictures at the end Laura goes on

Versus what I got Every single bit of party food Expensive cupcakes thrown all over the place Tree decorations broke Fairy liquid poured on my kitchen floor Eggs smashed a full bottle of juice poured over my floor And no it's all the lowercase

But she does say Juice poured over my floor And son! In all cats Kids new onesie ruined Highly do not recommend Emailed and complained No reply

The Grinch definitely came and stole Christmas Never been so disgusted in my life Um Laura also said The Experience advertised pictures with the kids But she kicked the Grinch out Before they could snap any pictures As she was fuming

I am fuming The mum accompanied her post with pictures showing the carnage caused by the mystery Grinch Oh my God, yes I'll send him in a sec

Laura's delicious looking spread featuring cookies Grinch cupcakes crisps dips and all manner of other delicious treats have been smeared across her spotless living room floor Now there's no before picture

of her living room floor so I don't know where they're getting that it was spotless in the first place but never mind so I will send this to the chat there it oh that is quite a mess to be fair it is

that's rough full twirls as well what a bounty that's a banging banging selection of food it is and there's a bigger picture of the so the article then goes in to fill

its word count quota by just describing the picture saying a pink feather boa, silver tray and what appears to be a rogue Christmas decoration also join the chaos but then it continues some media, some social media users couldn't understand why Laura was so upset

Chris tweeted paid for the Grinch, got the Grinch no pleasing some people yeah Chris Carl Rigby wrote so you invited and paid someone to come to your house to wreck it and are unhappy with the dedication

and care he showed to his craft you do realize who the Grinch is don't you? He isn't particularly fond of Christmas and Tennessee Kell added some bloke dressed as the Grinch literally rocked up trashed the joint and then got paid for it this is the best thing ever

that's then the end of the article but the son did a poll at the bottom which was do you have sympathy for the mum 11.1% of people said, hmm, I'm on the fence. 48% of people

said, no, she ordered the Grinch. And 40.2% of people said, yes, that was too extreme. Oh, the Grinch wins. Yeah, she got what she expected. Yeah. Now, there's a follow-up to this story. Oh, goody.

This is written by Lottie Tip Lady Bishop on the sun. dot her about UK. Grinch gripe I paid 65 pounds for the same Grinch that trashed that mum's house and poured juice on her son

My kids made more mess than he did There's no winning What is happening? A Christmas mad mum Has hit out after a Grinch experience went viral for destroying another woman's home Emma Neville booked the grumpy green

creature in for a food fight and some Christmas pranks a few years ago. Sorry, is that Eminem's sister, Emma Neville? Yes, it is. Here's a picture from Emma's party. It's a bit sinister, really. Why would anyone want... Okay, I just don't...

I don't understand why anyone would want this. Rather than just get someone to come over playing Santa. Look at him. I know, like, it's so horrible. You get the joy of being wholly uncomfortable in your own house as a stranger walks around. Well, so this story of allegedly the same Grinch makes it sound like he was really uncomfortable

So the article continues The 34-year-old has slammed the idea That the Grinch caused havoc telling the son We were warned he didn't like Christmas And would cause a bit of trouble As I'm sure the other woman was also Emma from Larn, Northern Ireland explained,

We had a fabulous experience And my children caused much more havoc than the Grinch did The company warned when booking He may be a bit naughty Honestly, I think he got a shock when my kids started a full-on food fight with him. The mum told how she paid £65 for the experience in 2018 for her niece, Chloe, now 12,

and her son, Lewis, 13, and daughter Jade 6. She said, The Grinch was very respectful for the fact that my tree had glass decorations and very apologetic when leaving. Even though I assured him my kids were responsible for the majority of the mess. The Grinch was very respectful He was unapologetic

As he left Laura McGill reportedly Oh yeah That just then gives you a recap Of the previous article But then this one says Oh wait Let me scroll down a bit

So Yes But Grinch fans have rallied round To defend the creature's behaviour Including Emma She said I let my kids crack on When the Grinch

chucked a few chicken nuggets, but my kids lifted the whole plates and bowls and threw them back. Poor Grinch. You can't have a kid's party and not expect a mess, she said. She wanted to share her positive experience after the post went viral.

She said he was more apologetic feeling he was more than apologetic feeling like he instigated it, but by all means, my kids took it too far. The Northern Irish Christmas Experience Company also posted to, Facebook after the incident went viral, and that's the company in charge of this Grinch, I believe. Santa Stop Here posted a Most Wanted picture featuring the character and its naughty elf,

and the post warns, if you see these Hallions at your door, do not let them in, or Havoc will follow. After Laura's complaint, the Grinch himself released a statement via the North Belfast franchise, saying only I am the Grinch that stole Christmas and I am sorry The company said it had received no other complaints in three years and there's one final

sort of dingy slightly creepy picture of the Grinch This is going to be a memory that these kids have when they're in their 20s and they're going to ask each other was that Grinch but did that happen?

Did the Grinch come over and say? throw chicken nuggets at us and mum got cross. Did that happen? Now, I've got a final, uh, related story that ties into these two articles. Now, this is a personal anecdote from a friend of a friend. Okay. Uh, fantastic.

So this is, uh, not known to readers of the sun. Um, so they, uh, this is someone old enough to have children. I don't, I don't know this person, but I've heard it, as I say, through a friend. Uh, she ordered a green. experience to come over to her house she paid 150 pounds right

this bloke turns up just this like young Geordie man because it's like a local local person this like Geordie turns up first thing he this is true I swear this is true

first thing he did when he came through the door was asked if she had a can of something right and then he brought a smoke machine and then he played one game with the kids where he lined up four turnips at the front of the room

and they all had a go at throwing them into a bucket, right? And then he got up and said to the lady I'll be back in an hour to pick up my smoke machine and left. What? What a hero!

This honestly happened. 150 quid. That is, I would honestly rather someone came around and threw juice or the juice all over my floor. But that's the grinch. experience. I think that that anecdote is the most grinch thing that we've talked about so far. He's self-aware. He understands. Yeah. I need to be drunk to get through this. I've played one bad game. I'm going.

And I'll be back for some reason. I'll be back to get my smoke machine. Don't know why I can't take it now. He's doing another party. Yeah. Keep them turnips in good condition, son. I've got three more tonight. Yeah, don't bruise them. wow that's fantastic thank you very much the grinch is a really stealing christmas this year i suppose this must happen every year because it's certainly a three-year-old company the one that was written about in the sun and uh you know it must have been happening for a while but yeah these two stories

and then um i was i was told by a friend that that had happened to their their friend which is baffling wow um god thank you lottie tip lady bishop for that thank you i can't think of anything worse? Anything worse to spend my money? No, absolutely not. No. I kind of want to do it now to see what happens. I've found, like, the extreme Grinch version,

like it doesn't hold back and see where that ends up. Yeah. Oh, dear. Would you boys like a question? Yes. Yes. This one's coming out of your fast from Beefy Cliro at Mr. Harder on Twitter. Secret Santa time,

except it's really secret. What gift is you getting? No, you don't get to know who's receiving it. Only that it's someone you know. If you had to go into a secret sound day in the most secret form where you don't even know who you're buying it for, would you give them a special treat or something just utterly ridiculous? I mean, the safest thing to do would be to buy like a selection box or something, right?

But that's not a very interesting answer. so I'd maybe just go full weird just like by the strangest thing I can I reckon yeah if it says like a set amount of money at 10 I just go to pound land and just fill your boots get 10, 10 lovely crap items

maybe like a jar on a teller and some crap Christmas decorations and nose hair trimmer or whatever you may fancy I think they even sell a little one pound vibrators why not they do yeah why not you could buy 10 vibrators for a friend

Yeah. What a Christmas deal. Yeah. Perfect. I'm not a huge fan of Secret Santa, and I've only done one once. And I spent the entire, excuse me, spending limit, which was probably a fiver or something like that,

on Sainsbury's own milk chocolate. And I bought about maybe 20 bars of it and just stacked it up and wrapped it. And that was my secret. That was my secret Santa. Did you see them open it? Yeah. What was their reaction?

I mean, they weren't thrilled. They weren't sad or disappointed, but, you know. I mean, I'd rather get an absurd amount of shit, the worst chocolate imaginable, than, you know, some fucking fucking, fucking, fucking, what am I trying to say? Stocking stuffer. There we are. Yeah. Like the stuff you get from mankind, the world's most pointless shop where it's, you know, play golf on the toilet. When are you ever going to use that?

Come on. That's just a graveyard for plastic things. I'll end up in the being after five minutes. It's stuff you buy for people you don't know well enough to try. And then in January, all of the charity shops are filled to bursting with shit presents and stupid books. Like those, like, have you seen those Lady Bird books that they made? They're in the style of old books from like the 70s and 80s. Yeah.

The gang get nan online. I've got what number of... Yeah, exactly. And it's like, whenever... The first time you see those, they became like... They came out like two or three years ago now, originally.

And like, when you first see them, you're like, oh, that's clever. That's fun. And then you consider them for like more than like 15 seconds. And then you're like, right. I mean, I would read that once. And then what?

What do I do with that? You know? The jokes immediately get old. Like, I'm not going to laugh twice. set any of the lines in there and you just give it to charity, you know? Yep.

Yeah, so... You're evolving as well. It's like, there's definitely was a Brexit one at some point. There's definitely a COVID one now. Big time. Please stop. So we're just getting a voucher, right? Yeah, that sounds nice and safe, isn't it? Just a gift card.

Just put the cash in. Yeah. Yeah. Just give them the monetary value of the secret Santa. You just do it yourself. Or just be insulting. And if the budget is a tenor, Just put a fibre in a card. Yeah, and a receipt for a McDonald's. Yeah.

Got hungry. With the words, thanks written on the bottom. You're too kind. I like that. I donated your allowance to charity. Congratulations. You have just bought some slippers for a donkey. Yay.

Yeah. Thanks. Thanks for that. At least for those, sometimes you get a picture of the animal, or at least a animal. The similar image of a donkey. donkey. Yeah.

I mean, I joke, but Amy gets, she sponsors a donkey via a gift every year, like someone, someone buys it for every time. And they continue to renew it for her

because she loves it and she gets correspondence from the donkey. The donkey sent her an email. Yeah. Although she's now, so her donkey is called Harbin, right?

And you get a newsletter that tells you what all the donkeys at the sanctuary have been up to. She's now, like, got her eye on another donkey. I think she'll always stick with Harbin, but she's read of another donkey that is asthmatic and had to go on a nebulizer at one point,

and she wants had to go on a nebulizer in the back of an ambulance. And so she's like, oh, that connection. Same, mate. Yeah, she wants to, yeah, so maybe she can sponsor two donkeys. I think so hard for some inhalers for that other one. Mikey? Yes. Have you heard of the Christmas song, Dominic the donkey?

No. You haven't. Let's see, I haven't either, Mikey. This is a thing. No, this is, I mean, it doesn't look familiar. It's a real song, and you should all listen to it. It came on on Spotify at work, on the Alexa, and then it came on at our work Christmas party as well.

And it's a real song, it's Dominic the donkey, the Italian Christmas donkey Of course Yeah, it's a good song It's not good But it's good for that reason So you should, you know, educate yourselves I just thought you might know it

I'm just, I'm listening to softly in the background It's very, it's very cute It's got like bouncy 50s kind of weirdness to it I could A Christmas party If I had a few beers in me I could get up and have a jolly old dance to this Ben has had a few beers in him

At the Christmas party when it came on and he very quickly made his way all the way across the room. Peter, Amy, this is it, this is. I was like, oh, okay. This is Dominic the donkey again. It's on. Yeah.

It's great. And we said, who's it by? And you were like, I've no idea. Peter's just replied from his personal account with a big picture of the Grinch to the videos. Oh, so I have. Is it a selfie? Yeah.

Oh, well done, Peter. Awful. Fuck it awful. Well, there it goes. I have a thing. Oh. Yeah. It's a festive-themed, not the onion.

Hell yeah. I've got five news stories. I've got five onions. You have to throw them in the bucket. Some of them, I'll be back for my smoke machine. Some of them might be fake. Some of them might be real. Some of them are sexy.

Some of them are genuinely lovely. And some are really weird. So it's up to you to decide what's what. I have, of course, as usual, changed up the titles of these news stories to sort of mask. their true intent. I will read through all of them, and then we'll go back through and you can tell me if you think it's real

or if you think it's a The Onion article. Are you ready? Yes. Sure am. First one. OAP, with no meat on his bones, is gifted Christmas jumper. Okay.

Next one. Interesting. Christmas movie deemed too outdated for TV by broadcasters. Okay. Right. Mysterious stranger litters on gardens across Edmonton. Disgusting Christmas crime committed by food corporations. And finally.

You've taken the jokes out of all of these, so it's hard to... And finally, Egyptian Christmas awaits lonely Nana. That just sounds like they're going to team her up and leave her. Yeah, it does. going to be embalmed so yeah to be clear usually with the not the onion articles i choose articles that sound like they could be from the onion because they're that ridiculous a lot of these are just kind of nice christmas stories so i've massively you know hidden uh what they what they're actually right okay okay so here we go first one again oap with no meat on his bones it says in quotes

is gifted christmas jumper is that real or is it the onion um I mean, it could just be a nice story of, like, perhaps a very old, frail man. I instantly went in the direction of maybe this is like a statue of a skeleton with no meat on his bones that they decided to gift a Christmas jumper to, rather than changing out with a Santa. I'm going to say real. I'm going to say real as well. And I've said real, because I remember what it is. When Mikey said a statue, I think I know. This is a T-Rex, isn't it?

Wow. T-Rex gets Christmas jumper at the Natural History Museum in London. I saw this. Brilliant. Oh, my God, that's incredible. A giant Christmas jumper has been created for a Tyrannosaurus rex at London's National History Museum. The animatronic T-Rex is sporting the festive knit, which has been made by a family-run firm in Leicester. Lovely.

There we are. It's absolutely delightful. for someone can tweet that for me I'd appreciate it lovely Christmas Christmas bug next news story Christmas movie deemed two outdated for TV by broadcasters

I'm going to say the onion I'm going to say true because maybe there's like a dicey scene in an old Christmas film like that we're not having that anymore it's a good eye Peter it's an onion the actual headline is TV network refuses to air

Miracle on 34 Street for outdated depictions of hope and joy Very good Mysterious Stranger Litters on Gardens Across Edmonton That just sounds like a newspaper boy or something

Well I think it's Whether it's true or not I think it might be a reference to Santa Maybe like dropping stuff But it'll either be Some joke about Some onion joke about Santa like littering from

from his sleigh you know as he flies over or it might be some like cute display that's been done somewhere where like the kids wake up and oh Santa's like dropped snow fairy magic he's been flying over

doing a preliminary flight and he's oh look he's there's some crumbs of mince pies or something you know like when they put footprints of the Easter bunny and stuff like that you know so I'll say real Mikey

I'm going to go the onion to be a contrarian it's real 400 families woke up on Christmas to $250 gift card left outside with a poem anonymous gifts totaling

$100,000 Oh wow This is from last Christmas Do we have the poem Yes I can see it I don't know you But I know you Open the Secret Santa

envelope, this year we all felt at the end of the rope. So I hope this little gift lifts your hopes. The whole world ain't as dark as it sometimes seems. There's light if you look for it if you know what I mean. The next six months every day gets lighter and longer. Still standing after 2020, you'll emerge stronger. For someone in need, you'll be their first responder. You're a fighter. You are tested. You will conquer. What it is that you set out to do, remember to just believe in you don't need this please pass the bat on for that is the way hope carries on there we are a saint nick who chooses to remain nameless left envelopes containing an inspirational rhyme along with 250 dollar gift cards on approximately 400 doorsteps bringing

unexpected cheer to the families within so there you are it's not the best poem in the world it's not great is it the rhyming was kind of all over the place i was expecting not the same rhyme for four lines but there we are uh yeah Yeah. That's lovely, though. Nice story, isn't it? Nice story. Yeah. In quotes,

disgusting Christmas crime committed by food corporations. God, this could be anything. I will just say real because corporations do bad things. Yeah, I'm going to say onion. Maybe it's some crime against food that people are always releasing Christmas. Could well be. Okay. take a look at that oh yeah okay terries and hynes produce and it says in quotes world's first chocolate orange mayonnaise

god no are you sure are we all sure this is the world's first has anyone checked fans of the terry's chocolate orange can enjoy the festive treat in mayonnaise form this this christmas following an unlikely partnership with hines in a move set to divide fans of the stocking filler favorites terries has joined forces with hines to create the world's first festive mashup that you didn't know you needed in the form of their chocolate orange mayo Why not just team up with Nutella instead Or like some sort of sweet

Like even a jam company Something that's sweet It's being marketed And they you can't buy them 200 jars can be one in the competition Running until the 13th of December So a couple of weeks ago Shit we missed it

Right so they've just done it to make headlines Yeah it's a it's a load of shit basically But they know that it sounds The write-up describes it as a sweet thing that you put on sweet things. So the blend of mayonnaise and chocolate orange segments, cream patissiere, I think, I don't know. And an extra dose of orange oil is a smooth and delicious spread that works perfectly dolloped onto your festive desserts or spread onto bryosh, crumpets, pancakes, or croissant this festive season. The two brands claim, it says.

So, yeah. The two brands lied. Fucking awful. And finally. It's terrible. It's got that tang, that meal tang. Oh, yeah, I know. I know.

But if they disguise it so much to the point where it tastes sweet, then Peter's right. Why not just do chocolate spread? I don't understand. Yeah. Doesn't make sense. Final one, Egyptian Christmas awaits lonely Nana. She's not chocolate this time.

What do you think, Mikey? I'm running with this one. What is an Egyptian Christmas? It sounds like something the mob do to you. Well, I did say that one of them would be sexy. My guts telling me this is onion. My gut's been wrong for a lot of this. I'm going to say, fuck it.

This is a real story of some Egyptian-loving Nana out there. Grandma's guts are telling her it's true. Brit Gran, 82, to spend Christmas Between the Sheets with Egyptian toy boy 36. Whoa. An 82-year-old grandmother who is married to her 36-year-old Egyptian toy boy has said she plans a Christmas day between the sheets. Iris Jones has never been shy of talking about her sex life with her husband Mohammed, who is 46 years younger than her. She said in the past that her husband is her pharaoh and has shared graphic details of the couple's sex life, admitting she loves shocking people.

There you go. My gosh. Iris. Yeah, good for her. Well done. Maybe there will be chocolate nana at some point. Who knows what these guys are into? Oh, geez.

Goodness me. Get some of that. Terry's chocolate orange mayo in there? Mayo, yeah. Hoping to win the competition. Anyway, that's it. That's my news. Wow.

Thanks for that. Just a scatter shot of festive joy question mark. Every human emotion was felt in the last. That's 10 minutes. Fantastic. And I've done my job. Would you boys like one final question? Yeah.

Yes, please. Let's go with Dean the DM at Dean the DM on Twitter. Nice easy one. What's your dream advent calendar? Beer, chocolate, Lego, beer, hot sauce, anything you can dream of. I've had a Lego advent calendar before and I did really enjoy it. It does sound like a lot of fun. It does.

Yeah. Do you get little things to make every day, or is it one big thing? Well, that's what I was about to say. So the one that I had, it was a Star Wars Lego one that my mother-in-law to be bought for me, which is very kind of a... I think they're pretty expensive as well, because, you know, Lego is stupidly expensive. So it's way more than just a little chocolate behind each door in terms of value. But each one was like a tiny little build, which was really, like, it was cool.

There was one that was like a really little... a version of Poe Dameron's X-wing, like a black X-wing. That was probably the best one. But then sometimes you just get a little mini-figure. And sometimes you do make a tiny version of like a ship or a building or something. And I did like that.

But then at the end, you're left with just this, with 24 tiny little Lego builds. And you don't really know what to do with them other than put them in a box of Lego and reuse them later. So what might be better? and I'm sure this probably exists is, you know, like a medium-sized Lego build that's just split into 24 parts with instructions. And so maybe you just build a little bit more of it every day

and then right at the end you've got a final, you know, more of a substantial model. So that may well already exist, but I would love some kind of, yeah, Lego 24-day build, whether it's Star Wars themed or, you know, anything. I just, I enjoy doing Lego. Yeah, it was a rat. I did a little bit over the past year or so.

I think I've got some Lego for Christmas as well. Lucky boy. I know what kind of little it is? Is it the sort of the red house off of the 60s that everyone made with their hand-me-down Lego? Oh, sadly not. No. It might be, so I've, um, last year I got two of the Star Wars helmets.

They've done like a series where you build the helmet and then it gets mounted on this little Lego plinth. So I've got Boba Fett's helmet and I've got a, uh... Where is it? It's a Stormtrooper up there. And I know there's a Darth Vader one. So it may well be another one for that collection, or it might be something completely different.

I don't know. But I'm just aware that someone who often buys me Lego has got me a box that is making a jingly noise when I put it under the tree. So, Peter, I think you've got to assume it's Lego. Yeah, I'm very excited. Lots of mini sachets of Heinz chocolate orange mayo. Oh, yeah.

Jungle, jangle. Delicious. Put it on your hot dog. What do you even do with that? Do you put on savory food or put it on sweet food? I'm genuinely lost with them. And they go, oh, that sounds horrible. And they might dip their little finger and go, oh, that's not as bad as I thought.

Or, oh, that's awful. And then it goes with the back of the cupboard until you die. And then you're... You probably just keep it sealed because there's only 200 of them. And some crazy person will spend a reasonable amount of money on it in about 50 years time. Yeah, maybe. I mean, not even that much. They probably spend like £100.

It's not going to be a huge collector's life. No. I'm going to have a look on eBay now. Yeah, see what's out. Well, they're not out yet, are they? Or are you going to look for other limited edition spreads? So I'm just wondering. Oh, okay. Heinz.

Yeah, maybe they've already shipped it out. Chocolate. I can spell chocolate. That'd be good, wouldn't it? Orange. Mayo. I'm just Googling chocolate mayo to see if that brings up anything. No, it's not there. The only thing that's coming up are Wiener Schnitzel chili sauce.

Three cans. Can, secret recipe, limited edition, new, 15 ounces. That's the best result you got for chocolate mayo. Pottery barn, Santa Hat, platter tray, Christmas holiday-shaped plate decor, rare. These are both from the United States. That's the only two entries. Weird. Yeah, don't know.

What's your dream, advent calendar? I'm just, sorry, I'm just, I'm scrolling through the Daily Mail, because there's not, there's a review of the chocolate meal here by... Oh, is there? Bye, who's this, bye? Bride Pearson Jones She said She looked It was skeptical at first

So the texture looked like a very thin mayonnaise It looked overly oily But she persisted And spread it onto a bagel And the flavor is just like a terrorist chocolate orange But the texture is more like butter Oh Oh, that sounds really abhorrent

No Why would they do this? Oh my God, it looks Oh! She's going to have picked it literally just looks like brown butter

someone's wiped their ass on her bagel yeah that is absolutely disgusting what the hell that's that's a bottom sneeze on a bit of bread guys that's I don't like that phrase at all daring me I guess my dream Advent calendar

would be one that doesn't contain any of this but I want I want an Advent calendar a variety Advent calendar so it's not just the same thing every day not committed to one thing for the entire period. Every day is a complete surprise of what it is. Oh, you've got no idea what you're going to get. Maybe you could

get a little Lego, a little chocolate, a little baby little drink or something. It could be anything. An old gem. Oh, a treasure map leading you to the hidden Christmas treasure. Anything could happen. Wow. Probably not that. Yeah.

Oh, I saw a thing. I'll never be able to find this now. I'm going to Google it while Ben gives his answer. But I saw a thing on Twitter the other day where someone said we bought like a really cheap Advent calendar from China and they were opening the doors and it was first to have a different toy inside each one and one of them was like the first one was like it's just a really shit toy the second one was um uh like a bait for a fishing line you know there's like things that

look like little fish yeah allure that's it yeah with hooks on it so they're like Christ, imagine like getting this for a child. So they said, we're sticking to opening one door at a time, and we can't wait to see what happens for the rest of the year. In fact, maybe if I search for lure, that might get it. Does sound good. Jesus. My dream Advent calendar, I'm not entirely sure.

I've barely touched my Advent calendar. I just not been feeling it. So I've had like the first few days and then I've kind of left it. I should return to it, really. I think a nice idea for an advent calendar in a number of ways, A, if you're a video game fan, and B, to shine a light on small creators, is to maybe get a very, very small 30 minute to an hour indie game each day

that you can just sit there and play for half an hour and you like the kind of game that you play for half an hour and then go, cool, I get it. That was great. I really enjoyed that. And then just put it down. And, you know, there's no pressure to go back to it. or get 100% or play through a 20-hour story or whatever,

just a little bite-sized video game experience every day. I think that might be nice. That sounds absolutely wonderful, and I'd be very upset if that's not been done before because that's a million-dollar idea, Ben. But, yeah, I'll be fucked if I'm organising it. That's that. That's a free one for your...

Yeah, go on. Someone do something with that. Do it for charity, you know? Those guys over at Humble Bundle could do something, I'm sure if they haven't already. Yeah. Yeah. Do you find it, Peter?

I found this Advent calendar. So it's an unofficial D&D Advent calendar that someone's mom got for them from China. The pictures on the front looked like they've just been Photoshop together from various franchises. I'm pretty sure the one in the middle. Hang on, let me just send you this.

I think the one in the middle is like their youthful empress from the never-ending story or whatever a name was, something like that. But the other characters there are definitely not from the never-ending story. Some of them are live action, some of them are CG.

Is that Brian Fraser at the bottom? It's not, is it? It looks a bit like Brendan Fraser's son. It's a bit like Brendan Fraser's son. Following a Facebook ad, Twitter user bad D&D advice purchased what they described as two unlicensed D&D Advent calendars and encourage their followers

to buckle up for what's already shaping up to be a roller coaster countdown and it's got the tweets. So my mom saw these two unlicensed D&D Advent calendars for sale from a sketchy Facebook ad site in September buckle up. Here's a list of what they found so far.

Behind the first door was a fishing law with some particularly sharp-looking hooks on it. That's a quote. The second door opened to reveal an egg filled with rubber dinosaurs. Speculations about what the rubber dinosaurs are what they're for is rife. One commenter suggested the OP submerged them in water in case they grow.

Another suggested they are erasers. However, they neither grew nor erased. Next came what the owner of the D&D Advent calendar refers to as a dinosaur monolith. Is there a picture? This is a great idea for some content, though. This time next year, Peter, we need to buy a couple of Advent calendars from Wish. We do. the dinosaur monolith is just this

it's just a little purple pip thing I don't know what that is I've just googled Advent calendars from Ali Express and found one that's the ultimate rock collection for kids simulate children's curiosity and interest it's an advent calendar of rocks

gravel that they thinked about someone's driveway wow and then they got more dinosaurs the next day. They seem to have mostly got dinosaurs and more of those little blue blue things.

But apart from the weird fishing lore at the beginning, I don't know what that's about. So, oh, there was a rubber duck in one. That's cute. Merry Christmas. Oh, no, there wasn't. They just, I think they just brought a rubber duck

for scale on the photo. Oh, there was some Lego in one with like an Amongus character. Wow, some real variety. Anyway, I'll leave that to the audience to go and search for if they want to find out the thrilling conclusion because that will be going on until the end of Advent. So, yeah, just Google it.

Advent calendar, D&D, unlicensed, they've described it as. Fantastic. Well, is that all our questions, Mikey? That's all. We did it, everyone. Thank you so much for all your questions. We hope you've enjoyed it. the things and the podcast and thank you so much again for all of your support this year on

podiates we really appreciate it it's uh it's genuinely a pleasure to do it but obviously it is something that we have to come home from our full day of doing content creation to then do content creation in our spare time as well and we we couldn't have a nicer a more wonderful group of people to do it for than you guys so thank you thank you for all your kind words and generosity and support on merch and uh donating on charity streams and checking us out triple jump and checking in on Mikey on his live streams and stuff like it's all it's all appreciated and it means a lot so thank you we're keeping the spirit of video it's alive for four years removed oh four years removed from video it's beginning so

holy shit thank you thank you a lot mikey there is a store isn't there oh yeah absolutely ding dang right it's store dot yogscast dot com And if you head on over to this wonderful little site, you'll find a forgotten corner of Vidyat's merch where you can find t-shirts, hoodies and mugs. Oh, what a bounty. There's a variety.

There's the classic VS1 shirt. We got the Poddy, it's legend shirt, a little jazzy 90s logo, wherever you want. And no discount code still. But if you keep an eye on the Oggscast Twitter, you might be able to bag yourself free shipping, international even, or a discount. so keep your eyes peeled there.

We did actually, I forgot. We found an unworn, unopened Vidiot's T-shirt on eBay. Yes, we did. Yeah, we did. By the time I tweeted it and we decided, yeah, we should buy that for ourselves. That's quite funny. Someone else had jumped in and bought it, so congratulations to you. You paid a lot of money.

For way more than you could buy one new in a shot on the shop, which is... Yeah. But we admire the commitment to the bit. Thank you. Who bought one, didn't open it, and then saw. sold it on eBay. Who thought they would sell it on eBay? That's what I want to know.

Yeah, who thought anyone would be interested? If we'd not tweeted it, you would not have sold that. You're welcome, though. And if you did sell it, let us know. We're a little bit mad, but we also are very impressed. We just want to have a talk. Good for you. YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, all.com forward slash

Vidiates official. Twitch. TV forward slash vidiates official. That auto hosts the stuff that we're doing on parrot board. and Team Triple Jump, but you can go directly to the source for those. I am planning vaguely another charity stream, maybe the first weekend of January, so keep your eyes peeled to the social media for information on that,

and I hope to see some of you there when everyone's poor because they haven't been paid since mid-December. What else we got? Streamlabs.com forward slash poddy at Stonations, three pounds or more to get a shout-out at the beginning and the end of the show. Again, thank you so much for all your Pod Squad support this year, and we're going to run down this week's once again, Mikey. Get us, get us going.

Oh, get us going. The generous, one vowel from Shira, Donak, 07, NFT of the Moknuggy's Cake, festive Fox 42, Warhammer, Age of Chegmar, the generous, a Christmas Caroline, Bartek, and Xmas Caroline. Shit, forgot to donate again. Rosie is Gilborne Supreme.

Crafty Sider Bristol, LTE, Happy Grussy Time. The generous Sam Dijingle Barber, Merry Christmas to all, the generous Jimmy the Rusler, arse face, old stuckey claws, the generous pro trainer, and the generous delicious festive Chegg-Nog. Thank you very much, one and all. Also, thank you too. Merry Chegmas, everyone. The very generous Sir Digby Benson Phillips. Czechoslovakia but festive Momo beans

Lord Vainachsmanovich Mikey needs Grussy Very generous Stephen Skodes Reindeer drop joy Freddy Weber is Rudolph A very meaningful poddiots Pete Benson Michaelips Uncle Tim with the long finger

Rye bread boy who was very very generous Thank you very much indeed caroling with Caroline, Harold Holt Aquatic Centre, Legs Game of the Year, 2022, Caroline, it's finally over, Prince Beefcakes, and Fish Come, or Ye Faithful. Joyful and triumphant.

We've also got Alan Claw, who is very generous, thank you. The very generous you know it's all about Dacom, thank you, stupid sexy flounders, the very generous pollen-packed pipe, Mikey's floppy topper, the very generous Tommy the Wank Engine, Mr. the black-nosed reindeer. When are you joining pickax? Jenny, will you marry me? What do you mean, no? The hell with you then. You upset your mother, Ben. She is crying now. Mr. Maca. The very generous shit December for Wankers.

Caroline slept with Cheggers, Newcastle upon D's nuts. Just keep swimming ash. And Finn Tristam. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. Once again, streamlabs.com, forward slash, potty, it's donations. Three pounds or more. We love you. We love you very much. who would like to know what's coming out on Podiots over the next fortnight three years ago oh boy

sure was it's not much if we're not including live stream vods we've got the vidiates tell your friends montage where we put together a load of unused ones in sort of one long one long chain

we've got worst games ever Mr Bean which went out on the 23rd of December and not too days later on the 25th of December worst games ever Santa Claus saves the earth which was genuinely really terrible wasn't it yeah it is one of the worst games we've ever played so awful I say that a lot but it actually was now this is this last video is technically our final one because we've

got two live stream vods and then a video in March March the 15th 2019 which says where are the videos remember that one Wow. So the final video, and remember we won't be doing what happened on vidiates this week four years ago until sort of February time in 2022 because we didn't, we weren't making videos until like February. Yeah. The final video is what's in the case, Portal Goblin Face Reveal, which again brings us all the way back around to Dave Benson Phillips and our persistent pursuit of not leaving him out of it. And that was when he said it He asked us

There's the famous video Where he said Just leave me out of it Just leave me out of it Curst video That's it That's it We've reached the end of the year

I want a video to end on I know I know And we couldn't have done it Without you So thank you everyone Mikey where can people find you On the internet

At Paraboy on most platforms I stream occasionally on Twitch Might be a few more Coming up over the festive period and on Twitter as well where I put random gubbins for you to come look and gawk at Delightful and Peter where are we

We're at Team Triple Jump YouTube.com and Twitch.TV forward slash team triple jump Where we're continuing to make worse games ever We even played a Christmas game this year Hey! Which was similar to Santa Claus Saves the Earth but different in that it wasn't as horrendous but was amusingly, well, it was, it's an old game and we kind of probably gave it too many allowances because they're like, well, it's old, but it was kind of bad, but kind of funny, so, you know, and Ben and I are also, we've got our own social media, of course, Ben is confused underscore dude on Twitter, and I am that to Peter Austin, so you can find us there. Absolutely, and if you miss post some tat, we've got a big old tat unboxing on triple jump.

Big, big. It should be available now. Yes, should be available now. Go watch it. It's very long. Yes. Very long. And that, everybody, I believe, is that why not leave us a review on iTunes or your

platform of choice? It helps something to do with Al Gore's rhythms. Five stars, please. We love you. Five stars. Thank you. Is there a final question before we disappear into the Christmas ether? Do you want anything?

nice for Christmas? What are you hoping for? What would you like for Christmas? That's nice. That's lovely. Have a very safe Christmas and New Year's, everybody. Get your booster if you're able to. Get vaccinated. Be sensible. Follow guidance as much as it might stick in your crock as they're so fucking hypocritical. And protect your loved ones from the nasty virus.

Do it. Do it. Do it. Okay. We love you, everybody. Merry Christmas. Bye Bye

Bye Is there anyone that you've ever Just felt so In love with Tell me about it, Mikey Gather round This is one for the ages

My love for this man Has been growing in stages My heart aching I'm shaking Now don't be mistaken The only green man for me Don't give a heck about trek And hermit a hermit You know who I want

Who? It's Jen Carey, but hairy. He's not really that scary. It's okay to be wary of that dairy, yeah, but if you were beware, my feelings have seen, all I'm seeing is green. Oh, excuse me, I'm getting all flustered. I never know you were freaky like that. I know who you're talking about. I feel the same. Other bitches be wary. I know he's wash it by money. And when you're wrenching around town in his hat and his gown, he's bound to drown and griscy by the keeler by the pound. Uh, he gets grissy.

Tis the season, tis the time, Mr. Grinchie's in his prime, Green with envy because he's fine and I wanna make him mine. I want him so fucking bad. When I come up to the functions, by its fur and walk up gumption, bite my finger, skill, seduction, clear my throat and gave instruction. Here I mean, my Mr. Grinch, punish me with every inch, waist cinched, Grinch pinch,

gonna be me like in sync. Let me just catch my breath, oh my God. Though he's bumpy, I'm aware. When my hand is in his hair, he won't forget our love affair. More say a prayer. Green with thick, ask it with a flash. Quick flash, titty's fair and you finish for a pass. Too fast.

Just kidding, that's literally all the fantasy. I've never had sex with the Grinch. I do think about it though. Don't we all. Dreaming about, slurping that gurkin until he starts squirting. Somebody get me a muzzle, because I'm about to guzzle.

Don't be thick, make me cut me quick. My holy mission is a knocked on an earl emission. I'm begging you, please. Now I'm telling you, his heart. only thing like only three sizes that night.