Podiots - Podiots Season 1 Highlights - VOLUME 2

Episode Date: April 30, 2019

The very best of Podiots in one handy place, thanks to Tom Gallon for compiling these clips! New merch: http://smarturl.it/Podiots Twitch: Twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord:  http://bit.ly/VidiotsDiscord Ben and Peter's channel 'TripleJump': https://www.youtube.com/teamtriplejump Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pickax During the Volvo Fall Experience event, discover exceptional offers and thoughtful design that leaves plenty of room for autumn adventures and see for yourself how Volvo's legendary safety brings peace of mind to every crisp morning commute. This September, lease a 2026 XC90 plug-in hybrid from $599 bi-weekly at 3.99%

during the Volvo Fall Experience event. Conditions apply, visit your local Volvo retailer or go to explore Volvo.com. If you hustle for me you want me to talk about on Wikipedia, you can tweet it at me if you like, but not too much because that's a bit annoying. Also, while we're talking about being tweeted, things that are annoying, we know

that Dave Benson Phillips did a wrestling match, thank you. What, Dave Benson Phillips did a wrestling match? Thank you. You can stop telling us now. Also, we've all seen, we've seen that tweet from 2011 and with Billy Ray sat there saying much to think about we've seen it

we're aware it's been doing the rounds recently but did you know Dave Benson Phillips was a wrestler I did I've I'm so

I'm so aware you've been from what culture yes I am have you left what culture yes I have did you know

that Billy Ray has much to think about yes I do okay yeah I really want to know how many times we've been tweeted

about the Dave Benson Phillips wrestling thing it's got to be almost triple figures yeah it's a lot we get it

yeah thank you but PSA, we know. Do get in touch if Neil Buchanan starts wrestling or Mr. Blobby, but we... Let's know if you've seen his band, Marseille. Oh. If you've seen... Is that what they're called?

I think it's called Marseille. Yeah, like the French city. Oh, cute. Yeah, Neil Buchanan's band. If you've seen it, I don't know why you would. Just to yell, this is an art attack. This is an art attack. Until he just gets loads of salt shakers out and makes an art on the floor.

He does a big Neil Bukaki all over the floor. Oh, he makes a big boo cake for everyone to share. Thanks. Right, next question. This is from, speaking of DBP, and Neil Buchanan. Oh. Max Springer. At Max underscore Springer, too.

Thank you, Max. Shag Mary Kill, Neil Buchanan, Dave Benson Phillips, Noel Edmonds. Fuck. So, Noel Edmonds, of course. Kill. You think? Yeah. Well, he's a bit mental at the moment, but he was Mr. Blobby, which is, you know, a very exciting thing.

Wait, was he? Various times he was. Sometimes he was, but he's not the real Mr. Blobby. I show you those clips, right? I had a VHS, I had an unmarked VHS in the drawer of my parents, which was like the weirdest Mr. Blobby tape I've ever seen because it had swearing in, it was bleeped, but it was like loads of bloopers and outtakes from children's,

UK children's TV show, Mr. Blobby. And he was like falling over and his head was like, like hinging backwards, like the helmet hinged backwards. And there was, Noel Edmonds, and he was just going, blobby, blobby, blobby. And like the footballer he was with that was showing around to, kick a ball was like pissing himself laughing. Oh and he fell over the goal and broke

it? Yeah, the goal kept falling on his head. He kept yelling fuck as this. And this was the weirdest tape I've ever seen. You sure does this and I'm picturing it so vividly. It's on YouTube. It is on YouTube. It's like it might be Andy Cole. I can't remember who he was with. He's basically playing football and he just keeps falling over and knocking

over the goal and like his head comes off and he's clearly got a voice modulator in the scene. Like Darfader. Yeah, exactly. Because as it flipped back it was going blobby, blobby, blah, be blind. Anyway, that's Noel Edmonds, but he's dead now in this hypothetical scenario.

He's annoyed at Lloyd's Bank right now. That's his current thing. Yeah, that was the... Right, so talk to me about this. Remind me what this weird shit is. I think essentially, okay, so I can't give all the details because there is a lot to take...

He's been doing this for many years now. Yeah. But essentially, Noel Edmonds is seeking to sue Lloyd's Bank. He blames them for the collapse of his entertainment company. I assume there was a loan or something involved. Something to do with money, but he's suing them for 60 million pounds for the...

Oh, sorry, that was a nomination. Noel, you can hear us talk... Noel, I'm sorry, look. Not right now. Not right now. Blobby, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, essentially, yeah, Noel Edmunds has gone a bit off the deep end, and all he tweets and talks about on TV now is Lloyd's are greedy robbing bastards.

I want to... I want to fuck them up once soon for all they've got. Would he not have made, like, an absolute mint off deal or no deal? because he's in every pub on a slot machine. Oh my God, he is. Everywhere you go. And wasn't that filmed not too far from here? Oh, yeah.

Did he'll or no idea. Wasn't it at the bottle yard or whatever it's called? Oh, maybe actually, yeah. It is a bit weird there what he's going through. It's a bit like, have you seen when David Ike just lost the plot? David Ike's gone full conspiracy theorist. Well, yeah, he did years ago. He used to just do a sports section on a BBC or ITV news thing.

Yeah. And then he suddenly just kind of woke up. up one day and thought that like he had all this knowledge about like the end of the world and it's many things lizard people isn't it now it now he does lizard people and and all kinds of things but he did this interview on wogan at the time oh my god and kind of just got laughed at oh poor and it was it's really uncomfortable to watch and then this is what kind of what noll is doing now and all edmonds is i saw a thing on news night where he was just the the reporter was just kind of saying yeah you're kind of you're kind of insane aren't you?

you? And he was like, I'm not insane. I'm just doing what's right. It's always owed me £60 million. It's a bit weird. I'm sure it's right. Okay, so we're killing off. Yeah, North's going out of his misery, I think. It's the kind thing to do. It's difficult because I am reluctant to shag Dave Benson Phillips,

unless it was on his list of things he wanted in exchange for hosting my child's birthday party. Dave does show us for sex. But I think it's a clear choice that we would all marry Neil because not only is he lovely, but he's got a fucking fortune he can afford to tour he can afford to tour

with his shite band for the rest of his life Dave has to work for Nando's and Noel is 60 million pounds in a hole But let's clarify Dave isn't working for Nando's the company As in he will work in exchange

For a chicken meal Of all of chips Yeah exactly Which is way worse Neil's got everything going for I bet he's a really good dad as well That's what I was thinking as well It seems like he'd be good to have in the house

Like he'd be very handy Oh, exactly. The place would look really nice. You have salt all over the floor all times. No slugs entering that. Everywhere. No slugs, but there would be shit everywhere. Just big pictures of himself on the floor.

Every drawer would be a junk drawer. He'd have wardrobes that would just be full of like reams and reams of colored fabrics. Yeah. For his big art attacks. And everything you do, you'd go, look at that. That's what he used to say. Look at that. This is the control splat.

And you grew it all together and you're lying in bed one day and you're 80s. And just Neil turns to you, slightly strained on. his face and he goes, this is a heart attack. And he passes away. And you're like Neil, no. Not like this. And then the laughing head in the corner just goes. Because of course, you've got that in the house. Do you remember him? He said heart attack.

Well, it's like shared custody. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. And it's like, do we have to keep that in the room? Neil, this is the control splash. Try it yourself. Try it yourself. Look at that. I'm from Liverpool. Silly feast. The cartoon creator.

She might have the band come over to practice after work. No, Neil. They're awful. This is my desk It's all your desk, Neil I haven't got any of my stuff here, Neil Oh, I did want myself as well Shut! Go to sleep, Ed, please!

Is it like a parrot where they have to put a sheet over it? The world is gone. Send it's yours. Shut up, Head! It's four in the morning! This is my favourite parallel universe we've invented. Yeah, fuck. In bed with Neil.

That would be the name of his late night show silly feet I'd marry him I would yeah I marry the shit I'm glad you're all on the same page he's a wealthy boy

universally we all went for the same options yeah I like how we also just just sort of glazed right past the having sex of Dave Ventimperity because that's not something I want to think about too get your own back 150 points shut up Dave it's not a competition

they want an orgasm the gusk dunk oh Dave you've been slime oh god How would, where would you start with Dave Benson Phillips? Would you be a passionate lover?

Would be like a quick? I would try and get it over as quick as possible. Sorry, Dave, if you're listening. Although, well, I mean, his fans will and they'll be accused of bullying him again. Yeah. I mean, at what point does it become bullying? Because by accusing us of bullying him, it's kind of made us fixated on mentioning him whenever we can. Yeah, it's difficult.

Now we're bullying him. Now, I think it's now we're bullying this nice man. He's a nice man. And he's sent us a signed picture of him. For free, he didn't even, I don't know if we've spoken. spoken about this, the one that we got in Postum Tatt that was signed. Apparently, the person who bought it didn't get

charged, so Hickett was free. It's so, Dave Benison Phillips. Oh, it's very Dave, it's very Dave, peak Dave. Okay, fantastic. God, I'm in pain. That's how long have we been going for? A while. That's about 40 minutes. Oh, awesome. Okay,

well, I'll do my thing now. So I do, and this is scandalous, another podcast. It's a PlayStation podcast. called PlayStation Radio UK. You don't have to listen to it. I don't do it very regularly because I'm too busy here doing this podcast. Do they still do it without you? It's just me and, it's just me and Simon. So it's just the two of us. Not that Simon. No. No. That's all right. That guy's got like seven podcasts of his own. Yes, it is. You have to pay for those busy men. He's got to make

no money. He's on the hustle. Yes, fine. And we got talking about wiping one's bottom. Right. Now, as it turns out, this isn't something. that many people discuss. No, no. And it is interesting to discuss it because while it is discussing, yes. It is, it seems to vary rapidly, rapidly, rapidly.

I'm terrified. From person to person. I'm terrified to find out a new wiping technique. Oh, there are so many different aspects of it as well. Yeah, there's like some people, right, okay. There are like five things to consider. I wipe from back to front, as in I reach between my legs. Oh my God.

Yeah. And I come forwards Kind of like a digger Like a digger Like a dicker Like a JC Grab your oily French toast Go dig deep with that bad boy

Do you not worry about Wiping poops towards your balls See this is the conversation that I have had A million and one time And no Because when you train to do something From childhood It doesn't affect you

Now women Your vagina's are beautiful but that is a whole situation that you don't really want to sort of get in the way of so women naturally would go the other way but we ran a poll and of the

I can't remember number quite insignificant number of people surveyed it was a 50-50 split between back to front and front to back but we spoke to more people about this some people stand up yeah standing up I'm fine with right see like I've never heard of

that before. Some people go side to side and do a little twizzle and then like a backflip or something. I used to stand up as a kid. Then I learned to know sit down. I learned that technique. Is it because you just couldn't stay still? But fucking hand oh my god, just... I want to try it tonight.

Oh no. You can if you want. No, because it goes so badly. It's like... It's like writing with the other hand, but even worse. It's like writing or wiping with the other hand. Now, there are also other things, Michael. For example, are you a folder or a scrub Oh, I do a combination. I fold and, like, do a mild scrunch. So there's like some texture there just, you know, really get to get to the, I'm a very tidy uniform folder.

How many pieces are you using? Actually, what, because I usually like wrap it around my hand a few times. I have people come to state that just churn through fucking toilet. Yeah, no, I only use... Two pieces. Two pieces per wipe. What the fuck? Yeah.

You must have the most dainty shits ever. No. Sometimes I go through a lot and it really hurts my ass. Two squares. they're two ply and you fold the two squares into one the same size as a single piece and then even then you might

I would even potentially fold again How you don't use no surface area to work with there You're not maneuvering anything I'm very dexterous You're dabbing it, you're just dabbing it dabbing, yeah they both just dabbed Can't confirm Michael and Ben just dabbed Stop saying it

Yeah I will Now there's something else as well what is it I don't want to fucking know. Oh, yeah. Now, we talked to several people from name redundant about this. And some people, this fucking blows my mind. Maybe it is because I use a very small surface area and therefore I wouldn't be capable of doing this.

Some people wipe, they then take the piece they've already used, fold it over, and rewipe. Oh, no. Yeah. Ben, where do you stand on that? No, usually I would do our wipe. Yeah. But, and here's the thing, do you guys check. the toilet roll? No, I don't do this.

No, I check, I check. Some people don't. So I have a check, and if it's like, I can do better than that, I'll go, I'll go for another dog. No! But I'll, like, I'll twist it in a bit, so it's like, it's not an issue. See, I feel like I should check. I don't check. How do you know how clean your ass is? I can feel that it's clean. I don't, I've never, I've never, ever had a skid mark issue in my pants, so I've never...

Again, it's like you learn how to do it. You learn how it feels when it's clean, but, how do I know... Clean butt. But how do I know When I You know If I have blood in my stool Which I probably don't

But it's nice to know You need to check these things You do need to check these things Check your balls Check if there's blood in your poops Check if there's blood in your urine If there's blood anywhere Other than in your veins

It's not really a good thing Unless you know Your vagina is beautiful Oh of course That's a perfectly natural I mean you know That's more than just blood is, you know, that's a distinction.

It's life out. It's life. It's a potential life wasted. Why didn't you get pregnant this month? You terrible person? You should have been married and pregnant by this time this month. Yeah. Can we never talk about wiping again? Well, that's the thing. Wipe Supremacy is not meant to be a topic that... It's not a happy comment. I feel really fucking disgusted

tonight right now, be honest. It's not meant to divide people. It's meant to... It's meant to celebrate as I have... Diversity. It's celebrate the diversity of the human spirit. Diversity. I have very good. I have... Because it is a diverse shitting, isn't it? Yeah. I have, over the course of, like, a couple of years now, come to terms that with the fact that I am, I am, A, wiping, wiping in a different way than a, than a lot of people,

and B, I am, I am, I am, but it just swells the wrong way. Yeah. I am, because I'm above the equator. Also, B, I am not alone in that. There are people who do the same thing. Yeah. Well, you think, You think that. But they think you're the freak because they've never heard of this, like, standing. I don't want to check the video's Discord tonight because it's all going to be ass and shit talk. Well, it will be now.

Yeah. Now that you've said that, it's just like Peter and his piano that might fall on him. I am interested in... I say it's going to happen. Actually, at 6pm, I'll post a poll. Actually, you know, at 7pm in the Discord,

I'll post a poll. Okay. And so everyone's had a chance to listen. To be fair, there are a lot of women in there, and I feel like they're going to sway that vote. I was going to say I do want to see a straw poll of Ford. versus backward

side to side check the paper versus no check checks or no checks how many how many squares fold or scrunch I want all of this

information someone needs to get poop census yeah we're doing every year I'm interested I'll get working on that when we finish

oh good God yeah that's just something that has occupied my time previously and I just wanted to maybe the best way to do it is just to make a Google sheet and let everyone fill it in

and you fold it once yeah choose how many Google sheets you want to use but what were the results from the wipegate survey oh is this your thing wipe gate

wipegate as opposed to wipe supremacy we talked about this a couple of podcasts ago which way do you wipe do you stand do you sit do you scrunch do you fold how many squares the great census of 2018 the fact of it is that Ben is wrong and now we have conclusive evidence

about it I'm really interested I've still not looked at these results actually so we've got a total of 378 responses so we've got like a good wide some people here. I will say as I said at the time

that we do have a good number of women who listen and women have no reason to wipe the way that I do hygienically. It doesn't make sense. So the women vote will have to be factored in here. I didn't ask anything about the people, just their shitting habits.

So that might skew it. So I just want to say I appreciate that we live in a colorful world and everyone can wipe in any direction they want. But if it goes one way or the other. But if you're a woman, it's worth bearing in mind that women would not wipe toward their balls. You will get a UTI

and you will, that's really bad. Why would you wipe towards your balls anyway? It's just absolutely madness anyway. You know what, fuck it. Let's not go there again. I'm going straight to the wiping technique. Yeah, okay. 69.4% of people do it the normal way back to front. I'm still surprised

that, see, that's pretty close to 50-50. Well, you say that. Well, it's close to 70-30, but with the women taking into factored in. Yeah, so, yeah, like, nearly 70% of people do it the normal way. Normal, the normal way.

Can you express what that means? Just not towards the balls. Right. Yeah, balls to, balls to back. And then 25% of people do it the way of Benway, which is towards the balls. Oh, okay. So, where's the missing percentage?

We've got, well, there's, I made the mistake of adding custom responses to these. Oh. So, the next one was side to side. What? Green was twirl. Then we've got, it'll be a mystery, doggy, Caucasian, three seashells

Front to back arm in front, right up the shitter. Right. Front to back arm in front. That's weird. I don't understand how that would work. It's pushing it away. DJ Hero Scratch. Badares are the best and you are wrong. I mean, I don't disagree with that.

I mean, yeah, I excluded them because it's not relevant. Right. Okay, the sitting position was next. 70.9% of people sit down while wiping. Which, again... Nearly 30% people stand. I'm so far. With the majority.

Oh. Stand up. But a lot of people chose both as well. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I think like... Do you just alternate? We've spoken...

We've had this conversation. I think me and you have spoken to other people about it like two or three times in the past. Yeah, I mean, I would say his name. You've spoken about that a lot. I know exactly. I would name and shame him.

Yeah, no, I don't feel that's my place until if he was here and he wanted to get in on the conversation and announce it to the world. Yeah. But one of the people we spoke to, I think when he said, I stand up and I was like,

What the fuck do you mean you stand up? He said, well, no, I kind of hover and kind of bounce up and down a little bit. Yeah. You know, he's sort of a middle man. A very mobile mover. He thought it was insane that we just sat down the whole time. Yeah. As well.

So people don't talk about this stuff. Yeah. We need to have this discussion. This is important. Yes, it is. I think the next one was SlavSquot was also a popular white pink position. I'm not sure what that is. Reverse cowboy.

You just kind of lean. Yeah, that's, that's, that's, that's, that. That's the best of the responses. Right. So how do you, do you fold or scrunch the toilet paper? 63% of people fooled. I am just all a majority right now. Yeah, you're normal.

Well done. 22.5% of people do a combination of fooled and scrunch. And 14% of people scrunch, which is less than I imagined. But I've got a combination of the two. Yeah. I feel like go for more of a fold and then I scrunch it a little. Make it get some texture, some valleys going on. I feel like if you properly scrunch it, like yeah, if there are a

Valley's going on, but it's just a scrunched up ball. You don't know the shape that's in your hand as you're putting it towards your ass. We've already learned from you. There could be some unpredictable scoops and things going on. You don't even check your paper. That's why. We check our paper so we know what we're doing. Well, Peter, he's always said you were in the majority.

Yeah. Not anymore. Do you look at the paper after you've wiped? Of course everyone looks at the paper. 79% of people do. That's the biggest one so far. Yeah. You freak.

I am a freak. I'm a freak. Do you just feel ashamed of what your body's producing? No, I just never felt the need. If someone said, I order you to look at the paper, I'll be like, okay, I don't mind. Well, I'm coming around yours tonight. I want to inspect those. And you just know?

Peter Austin's shit whisperer. Yeah, nose if it's clean. Me and the like 15% of people who don't, just know. Right, just know. Okay. It's like, this is a similar thing. I mean, I don't tend to just, I don't tend to blow my nose at all. Yeah.

But people who do blow their noses, I've, I've seen people. like on the bus and stuff look at the tissue when they're done do you guys do that if you yeah like you got to inspect that I mean maybe if I'm on my own like and and I'm and I need to see in a mirror if there's like still stuff going on but like if I'm in the mirror I'll do I'll do a nose blow and I'll do a wipe and then I just sort of I won't look at the I'm very much a visual man I like to see what I've made right I'm very creative I might look at you myself to see if I'm I'm all clean and tidy on my nose but like I wouldn't look into the tissue but people do directly into the heart of the storm

The last question is... I was just to prude. Yeah, maybe you are. Maybe, yeah, but you should try and loosen up. Shit in a handstand formed. Yeah. Let's know how that goes. On to my own face.

Yes, directly. Yeah. And then wipe it without looking. I remember when I first added Steve on a Snapchat, I think the first video I ever saw on his Snapchat was him like squatting in a really high position just shitting into a toilet from high up. God's say. It's amazing.

Oh, dude. I'm shitting from the ceiling. How much paper do you use? This was kind of a poor question on my behalf, because the options were one square, two squares, three squares, a lot of squares. God, it's like Brexit, isn't it?

It wasn't fucking clear enough. Well, the majority, 55% went for a lot of squares. Well, hang on. In total or at a time, I think is big. Yeah, that's what you were asking. I rip off a tiny bit because I can only use two squares per poo.

Yeah, I didn't really, that was a poor question on my mouth. Per poo, I wouldn't be able to give you an answer. No, you know, several. I think per white, I think per white, yeah, two or three. Two squares. I think about probably three percent of people said, one square.

What? Two squares had the next up was 16% and three squares was next was 26%. Okay.

So there we have But I think that question was corrupted by people not understanding what we meant. Yeah. Well,

that's why I'm not in charge of surveys. Yeah. There we go. There is wonderful poopy business. Well, I feel

fairly supreme. You shouldn't. I need to just start looking at my own shit in my hand. Then you'll be part of the elite. I just want to say

again that like I think the women votes skewed it in a direction. that made it look like it's a far bigger divide but really it's it's a man's world

and only men have the true freedom to wipe whenever they were in whatever direction they want honestly the most disgusting thing like I'm in my head I'm planning okay I'm gonna get up and try this so you can't so it's like a lean forward

kind of thing like no you're sitting on the yeah I sit on the toilet and I yeah how do you do it how the hell do you reach with your arm you adapt to doing it that's a lot

That's a lot of reaching. Like, it's like that. I've got long arms. I'm powerful. You've only got long, I bet your arms were normal length when you were born, but after years and years,

I've evolved. Reaching through your legs. Look, me and the long... Look, you guys are going to need me and the rest of the back-to-front wipers when you eventually need to reach stuff at the back of the cupboard and you can't do it

because you've got your stubby little backwards wiping arms. Well, we might have stubby little backwards wiping arms, but at least we don't have shitty balls. Bam. But neither do I. Well, that's just not... I don't see that area of the balls where it's all going on. I know.

That's probably stained fucking brown, and you have no idea. That's an outrageous suggestion. Much like the ship whisperer Peter Austin, you know how to wipe from decades from your entire life. It's not like every time it's like, I've painted all the way up in my chest. You know when to stop. It's like I can say, why aren't you going all the way up? You could go all the way. You're back.

It's like, of course you don't. You know when to stop. it's all about the technique that you've learned theoretically go all the way up our backs if we didn't stop up the backside yeah yeah that's the thing we're not looking though because like i'm a looker and like it sounds right it feels dry but i'm looking at the paper thing god there was still a bit there oh wow you've got the shittiest ass of all times do you know what i've never ever in my entire life had how the fuck do you manage that a skiddy pants skiddy pants yeah it's a rap name isn't oh you poop solid she's the girl in fallout new vegas isn't she's the

The girl in Fall Out New Vegas, isn't she? Skiddy pants. Yeah, I think so. Right, I'm going to move this along. No, I want to know how solid his poops are. Well, reasonably solid. It varies, right? Surely, it's all diet.

It depends on the dominoes the night before. In which case, stand back. You've got to be relatively consistent to never have had skid marks, though. Consistent consistency, yeah. I don't know. I just do a good old wipe and make sure I'm dry. Do you have baby wipes involved in the situation? They're bad for the plumbing, though.

I don't care. And it's as simple as that. Right. No, I don't have them either, but I always relish. going to someone's house where there are baby wipes in them. Because you can just sort of, you can freshen up right at the end, you know? It's a nice finisher. A little fresh, and then you dab.

Little fresh dab at the end of the end of the end. Yeah, and then you're done. Good. Can we move on? Can we put this to bed? Please, please. Thank you everyone for all your responses. You could actually fill out that survey more than once, so I don't know how many people

did that. If anyone has the time to fill out multiple times to skew results, I commend you, really. You're doing great stuff for this planet. 350 of you. Yeah. Ridiculous. When I was in primary school, there was a teacher just like that who taught maths, and she had like a tight grey bun.

She was in her 50s and wore skirts and like frumpy blouses. She was called, I kid you not, Mrs Gibbon. You would have had a laugh with that, but I'm sure. Did you know that means Willie? Willie in the Vidiot's lexicon. Yeah, exactly. It's not even a sort of a thing that we pulled. We've made that up ourselves.

And I didn't have her very much. it was a school where actually some of the classes were taught by different teachers even though it was primary school which was a bit weird on off the box. I'm sure that's right.

Yeah. But she would teach maths and I remember in my first week in her class she was sort of saying okay this is what we're going to be doing this week and there were these new kids

at the school and I heard them sort of saying under their breath like oh that's easy, that's easy. And I think I was trying to, like, make friends with these new kids or, like, wanted to impress them. And so she carried on saying, and then we're going to do this. She was a horrible woman. I'm making her sound nice. Yeah.

And then they were going, that's easy. And then we're going to do this. Yeah. Then we're going to do this. And then the third thing she said, we're going to do this. And then I also went, oh, that's easy to, like, get in with these kids. She heard me. Oh, fuck.

She, her eyes just fell upon me. And she went, what's your name? Oh, God. And I went, Peter Austin. And she went, stand up. And I went, okay. Oh, my God. And she went, we do not want your comments, Peter Austin.

Oh, my God. And I was about, I think I was seven. Imagine, I mean, it's just, even as adults now, I cannot relate to that woman. No. Like, I can't relate to terrifying a child who's enthusiastic about learning. Yeah. What the fuck is not that you say? And then we're going to do this.

You went, bet she's a right fucking bitch. Stand up. What did you say? I look forward to low. Stand up. What's your name? We do not want your comments, Peter Ross. I really remember her saying vividly.

Wow, what a cow. And the other thing is, so in secondary school, at the Catholic secondary school, I was walking along the corridor in the middle of class. Like, I think I've been told to, like, take a note to someone or something, like to a different classroom. Yeah. So I was walking along the corridor and coming the other way was the scariest teacher in the school, Mr. Bryant, who would stop people for their uniform and stuff constantly and, like, yell at them. and he had this big box of textbooks in his hand

and he was coming towards these double doors and I held the door open for him and he came through and he said thank you young man and I said that's all right and he stopped and turned around and said pardon and I said that's all right and he said that's not all right you say you're welcome

I was like what fucking hell hold the door open for you and said that's all right I'm sorry I didn't say you're welcome you fucking asshole Jesus so I mean it didn't bother me I was like Just, probably not. You're fine with it now.

But, like, but I just thought, fuck you. That's just not a polite. You wouldn't say that to someone in the street, would you? No, yeah. Imagine if he's like, yeah, if you try, like teachers tread normal people the way they treat kids. What the fuck?

Does it have been. Ridiculous. It's awful. I don't know I've said this before on the podcast or on a video, but I was once, like, playing in math class with a ruler, just bending it as you do, because I was a fidgety kid, as you can fucking imagine. Right.

Just bending it. And eventually I snapped it. Yeah. And, like, teachers turned to me. And Michael. do you always do stupid things like this and you said yes miss

fast forward 10 years you're like I'm a idiot now what did you say to her I was like in my head I was like yes I do I was like no no

really shit which made me go buy a new ruler 30 pence my own money to replace the ruler She made you go and buy a new ruler for yourself but like it was a class ruler but oh I see I see I was just

that question of Do you always do stupid things like this? Yeah. I've been, I mean, I snapped a ruler. People do that all the time. I had an older, I've got an older brother who I went to school with. Or sister. Or sister, yeah.

He's two years older than me. Or younger. Or younger. And I went to a school that only went up to year two, and then everyone moved on to a separate school that did like three to six. Interesting. Okay. And when I was at the second of the primary schools, it was my first year, and he'd been there for three years.

And he said to my mum one day that it was non-uniform day on Friday. And I said to him, no, I think that's next Friday, isn't it? And he said, no, no, no, it's this Friday. And I said, no, no, I'm pretty sure it's next Friday. And he said, no, it's next, you're wrong. So my mom believed the older child who had been going to the school. for three years. Oh, God.

And we got into our non-uniform. I'm convinced it's next week. He's saying it's tomorrow. And went into school. And I remember pulling up outside the school, my grand used to drop us off. And I remember hearing my brother who was sat in the front seat,

he's in uniform. They're all in uniform. No! At that point, I think my grand had to, she sort of said like, well, am I going to take you home to change then or what? And it was a pain in the ass to get in and out of this school.

It was right in the middle of the city. And we, as I say, I grew up in the middle of, like, the countryside. And we just went in and we had to go to Mr. Washington's office. Oh, no. It was the headmaster and explained. And he just was disappointed but said... Mr. Austin, I thought you were better than this. Yeah, but just said, well, you're just going to have to stay in your fucking non-uniform, aren't you?

That's what he said. And you're fucking non-year. You're just going to have to stay in your... fucking non-y-ass. Never have I been less happy to be in non-uniform at school because when we went out into the playground at fucking break time,

there's just me and my brother sticking out like a sore thumb in quite bright clothes as I remember. I think I was in like... Were you rocking the tie-dye? I was in like orange. Yeah, this was in the late 90s. It was a tie-dye era. It wasn't quite tie-dye, but I had orange shorts on

and a slightly different shade orange tithe. t-shirt nice and he was in like lime green I think what a fucking pair and there's all

these kids in their fucking looking like starburst flavors black blazers and shorts and stuff well they won't have been in blazers

but you know just just gray horrible boring boring uniform so that was that was pretty bad oh no

my friend Beth me and her and a bunch of other people used to occasionally hang out in the library at lunchtime because we were cool kids and there was this um uh french book that

was it was almost like a picture book in that that each double page spread would be a big scene and all around the edge there was like a border and it had like images from the scene with the french word next to it so it was just to learn vocab and he would like try and spot the you know it was it was for kids really i don't know why it was in a high school but we got this book and uh we were flicking through it, I don't know why we chose to pick it up, but there were a couple of knobs that had been drawn in it. Oh no, Wilsons. Yeah, little Wilsons on sort of the dad or, you know, on the face or in the crotch area. I think mostly in the crotch area, but maybe on a few people's heads, but there are only maybe six in the

entire book. Six Wilsons. So we put penises on every conceivable place that there could be one. Did you live Superbad? Sorry? Did you live Superbad? Pretty much. Couldn't stop drawing dicks. But they were just the standard two complete perfect circles and half a sausage.

A gibbon. A gibbon. The inverse gibbon. And I wish, we had photos of this book and we kept them for a long time, but then they were on someone's hard drive and they got lost. But it was hysterical. There was like a man watering his flowers and obviously the hose pipe was a knob. There was a ballerina who. who was like on one leg and the other leg was like over her head

and we put a penis between her open legs. Of course. Going into or escaping from. Coming out like she was a boy, a boy girl. Oh, one of those. One of those. Actually, yeah, we didn't put it going in. Maybe we should have done.

And the one that's the obvious. A bit less innocent of just drawing knobs on something. There was a supermarket scene and there was like a green grocer's aisle and there was a big crate with oranges. And every two oranges next to each other. were the balls of another penis. A crate of Williams. Yeah, and there were some major pub bushes going on as well.

It was just covered, absolutely covered. And presumably that book has now been destroyed by some government agency. It was there for a long time because Beth and a couple of my other friends were quite into musical theater and stuff like that. And they ended up going back to the school after we left, I think, to do some sort of choir thing or I don't know exactly what it was. But while they were there, they went up to the library. and found the book and it was still there. Oh my God. But we were talking about it actually just a couple of days ago

and we're convinced it must have been found at this point, right? But we would love to go back and... It's the fabled book that everyone wants to read, the Nob book. Oh, no. I wish I could... I wish I could describe how many penises there were. If the purge was real, what activities would you get up to? Or would you choose to hide it out for the night?

What would be your approach? But wait, there's more. What? Bulgarian Robottom at Good Brother Lord says, Could you answer a question doing the Milo voice? Oh no. We heard. Oh, no.

Oh, no, Bella. I don't want to go to the hospital and put Bella out of her misery. Oh, God. Christ. So, guys, have you seen the purge? Yeah. I've not seen it, but I'm aware of what it is. It's an interesting concept, but the executioner leaves a lot to the...

for it's not to be desired, right? Yeah, yeah. I've not seen it, but I know what it's about. I've seen the Rick and Morty episode. Yeah. There's one, two, three. Purge films now. I saw a little bit of purge election year.

Oh. Yeah. Wasn't it good? No. Oh. How many people do you think of tuned out? One, two, three. Well, that's the thing, right?

So, there were these people protecting their building. Yeah. They were stood up. the roof and looking down at the street below yeah and these people rocked up in a car right that was covered in fairy lights oh that's nice quite flamboyant and like oh we can do whatever we want to get out they're blasting the music yeah and they're holding AKs and they're these ladies in dress hats what do you say come along and shoot everybody um yeah so it's like for starters why have they done that why have they wasted part of their 24 hours

hours of purge putting fairy lights on a car I think there's a day preparation there they get the pre-purge

day and then Sunday's the day of rest and Saturday's treat day but no they show up with their big

shiny car which is like oh I'm not a target don't show my giant shiny car they get out

and then these guys from the roof instead of like ducking down and staying out of their sight

they yell down at them and just go hey don't you think about messing with us and they went oh blah blah blah whatever man

and then someone from the roof shoots one of them through the ear through the ear that's a hell of a shot like shoots one of the lobes of right and then they go we'll be back later

and then they go away and then they come back again with loads of other people I just think that situation could have been avoided entirely by not shooting him through the ear all you've just got to do is keep your head down yeah

Well, in answer to the question, who would you kill? I think, well, in reality, I think the best thing to do would be just to hide for 24 hours. Before you finish the question, I was going to say, let's not be boring here. Yeah, let's say, who would you kill? Assuming we're not allowed to hide, or we get some kind of invincibility clow. Oh, yeah. I would probably, I don't know if I'd kill anyone. An invincibility club.

An invincibility club. Not an invisibility club. They can still see me. It doesn't matter if they see me, Milo. And you should actually around with the towel. A very strong towel. And you're actually role-playing as Milo a boy from the Tweney's.

Because in Invincibility cloak, it's not a real thing, Peter. Well, no, there's Milo from the Tweney's. Well, he's answering this question. Right. Milo from the Twini's is walking round in fucking myth-real, right? And he doesn't... I wouldn't kill anyone.

No. I'd just go and steal all the things I can't afford on my wage. Oh, right. All crime is legal. I'd probably park. I'd park on a double yellow line. Oh, you fucking madman. I'd walk in to fucking waterstones.

Waterstones. And by the tweenies annual 2018. Oh, lovely. Go home and read it. That sounds like a lovely purge. I've gone a bit weird. Milo's grandmother. You'd walk all the way there, though.

No? No. I'd drive there and park on a double yellow line. Is this Peter or Milo? I don't know. The line is sort of blurred, isn't it? Yeah, I hate these blurred lines. You know you want it.

Can we do an entire blurred lines rendition as Milo from the dream? I don't know the words. Not now. I know you want it. You know you've got it. But you're a good. Good girl. You're a good...

Oh, he's gone through a cute. Oh, hello. You're a good girl. Oh, my love. You know you want it. Right. Okay, well, I hope that's that. Awful.

Who would you kill, Mike? I was just thinking there, because you can't go for someone high profile because, A, someone else will probably kill them before you if they haven't already gone into hiding. It's like, I think people who people want to know people want to kill them, they're going to hide and going to do everything they can to avoid getting killed.

So it's got to be quite like a personal grudge, someone low level. I don't know who I'd kill. Me? Do you have a grudge? I think we should go up to a former place of work and just cause some haven't. Oh my God. Is that a threat?

No. We could get done for that. The purge isn't real. Did you say a former place of work or the former place of work? A. I said our. Just some random form of place of work. Yeah. You go back to the service station on the motorway.

I'll go back to McDonald's. Some of them will be safe. What's my previous... Barnardo's Children's Charity. Oh, no. Yeah. No one is safe. I'll get them.

Oh, going to cause some havoc to those people trying to save children. Oh, fuck. What an excellent organisation. A wonderful organisation. You're still going to support them with your money. Yeah. Not stolen during the purge. If you had to assassinate one fictional kids television character, who would it be?

And we don't watch current day television for children. Yeah, so we can't really pick. From that, 1970. The Russian spies who get, well, I don't know who is. It gets killed, but, like, people get killed by injection and stuff. And, like, they'll have a slow painful kind of chemical death. Does that what's happened to Bella? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. She's got, like, yeah, she's got, fucking radiation poisoning. I think Milo actually did it. You think Milo did it? He's pretending that he did. Off of the Tweenies. Milo off of the Tweenies has assassinated Bella. Well, I think what he did was...

He injected her, like, on purge night when he was allowed. And then the next day, now that the purge is over, he pretends to have nothing to do with it. And he's going, oh, no, Bella. Oh, she's going to die. That raises a very interesting question, Peter Austin. Oh, in that long deaths that are instigated on purge night, what's the legality of them later on? Well, the act is done on purge night.

So, Milo essentially signed Bella's death certificate on purge night in the Tweeney's house. Yeah. While Floppy was what? Doodles. Doodles. Doodles. Sorry, floppy is from Biff and Chip. Yeah.

What the fuck's Biff and Chip? What do you mean what the fuck is? How can you not know what Biff and Chip is? On an adventure, having fun with the magic key. Doesn't ring any bells at all, Biff. Star of book and screen, Biff and Chip. Biff and Chip, your wand. Anyway, yeah, so he signed the death certificate of Bella off of the Tweenies that night

and then just watched it play out, like some sort of grim phantom spectre of death and just pretended to be sympathetic. Sorry, I wanted to hear what Kippa sounded like. Hmm, now which one shall I do? Oh yeah. He sounds a bit like right to feed him tune, doesn't he? Yeah, he sounds like a slightly more grown-up, Milo. Now what should I do?

Now, oh, Bella. Bella died ten years ago. Yeah, but the spirit lives on in me and the shrine I have under the stairs. It hurts every day. Oh, Bella. They would have been painting gravy onto their legs. and that's what they used to do. Really?

You don't know about this? No, I don't know about this. They used to paint their legs with gravy granules instead of... What? How'd you paint with gravy granules? Well, like, they would mix gravy granules. I think it was gravy. It was probably like browning sauce or something.

Oh, fuck off. I threw that away. I don't want it in my phone. No, I bet. But because there was like a shortage on certain materials because of like making parachutes and shit, a lot of women went out, went without stockings, which was a little bit like,

oh, you shouldn't be without stockings. So they would essentially they paint their legs brownish so they looked like they had stockings on. Interesting. Would it not stain their skin? No, I don't think so. It would just wash off. In fact, I don't think they even painted the whole leg. I think they did a thin line up the back of their leg

where the seam of the stocking would have been. What the fuck? Interesting. Something like that. I don't really know the full thing. That's weird. Paint me in gravy. That's how I want to die. So my skin can't breathe. I want to suffocate in gravy.

Like in Goldfinger, but with gravy. But with great finger. Grapey finger. Who was in Goldfinger? Who was the actor that was playing Bond at the time? It wasn't Peas Borsnam, was it? It wasn't.

Yeah, penis boarsnam. Yeah. Have you seen the really offensive Siamese cat in the Aristocats? No, what does he do? Oh, God, does he do accents. Yes, he does.

He's got very narrow eyes. We are Siamese, if you please. That's also great. Yeah, that's also a good representation of Asians in Western. media. Yeah. How come

Siamese cats became Asian? I don't know. Because it's Siam, which is what Thailand is now. We used to call Thailand Siam.

Oh shit. Which is also why Siamese conjoined twins are called Siamese because like a sort of the famous sort of the first

world famous pair of conjoined twins were from Thailand. Oh. But the one in the Arista cats. No. No. No.

Every time we talk about anything, you have a fact. Fucking gravy's legs. gravy legs and Siamese, Siamese, Thailand. It's what the fuck be there? All we know is that we can't go against Peter when we're playing Trivial Pursuit. No, because you're literally know everything.

Well, questions like this never come up. It's always like who won the World Cup in 1998. But who did? I don't know. It was France. Fuck you. Great. See, now I know something.

In the Aristocats, there's this caricature Siamese cat. What, who won? Yeah. Right. It probably will be France. I have to say it better. was held in frauds. Anyway, sorry. And they turn up at the house at the end where there's a bunch of cats and dogs like playing jazz, right? Yeah. And this Siamese cat plays the piano and halfway

through the final musical number, he pulls out some chopsticks and plays the piano using his chopsticks. Of course. I think that might have even been removed in recent versions of the... It was a person with shameful. Yeah. They decided this is probably not okay. Yeah, we should probably just glaze past this. Who won the World Cup in 19th? It was France. Well done. Nice, well done. You did have some really strong opinions of another game that you haven't played.

Which one? And a certain sect of people. Wolfenstein too. Oh yeah. Everything else that was particular stand up. Oh yeah. Kicking Hitler and shooting Nazis is a lot of fun, really. Fuck yeah. You were trying to skirt around it, but if you ask me directly, that's what I'm going to say. All right, I don't know how Baxter feels about that.

Do you see it? I'm actually implying Bacta's a Nazi symbol. What the fuck? How can anyone be against me saying... I don't know how bad it feels about Nazis! I think it's more the idea of... She's not sure why you went so specifically about kicking Hitler. That was my one... Selling points.

That was my one panic moment, is that we'd all been talking about Wolfenstein for a while, and then she'd asked literally the three other guests about it, including you. And for the entire stream up to that point, she'd not necessarily asked all four of us for an opinion on the same game. So I'd, once she asked you about it, I was like,

oh, good, she's not going to ask me. And then as soon as you were done, she turned to me and went, yeah, what about you? Any thoughts about, about Wolfenstein? Like, kicking out. You know, you know the BJ? The BJ Blascovic. Featured on our sexiest gaming guys.

You could have said, oh, he's a big boy, isn't he? Yeah, but he would have got you. Right. But looking back in hindsight, you could have got your, you could have got your laugh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's a, you know, I would. Yeah.

With BJ, right? He puts the BJ in BJ, right. He does. Yeah. It is. No, I mean, I stand by that. I don't regret saying it. But I think it's funny, actually, because when we first started talking about Wulfenstein,

she opened with something like, so, yeah, Wolfenstein. Obviously, you know, there are a few things that we might not want to talk about, or something like that. She said something along the lines of, let's not talk about Hitler and Nazis. Right. I mean, I thought she just meant spoilers. She may have meant spoilers, but my closing point on the Wolfenstein thing was the thing that she'd opened with.

So let's not talk about that one. So that went down really well. Yeah. And I think then Paul from fourth floor sent us an email and said, I also like kicking Nazis just as the subject line, which is great. So that went down really well. And that was pretty much it. The stream was finished and we just about BS'd our way through a prestigious BAFTA live

stream. And again, we got a nice little bit of extra air time in the outro because of just how interesting our name is. So thank you so much to my guest, Alicia Judge, Tomor Hussein. And the vidiates, their words, Ben and Peter. And thank you so much.

Their words. Their words. The mouse versus the mighty lion. What is the best animal? The true. It's like some kind of ASOP's fable, isn't it? I read that.

That does kind of sound like it could be a fable, couldn't it? The mouse versus the lion. He outwits the lion using his mouse in brain. Lion or lioness? or both DJ Khalid's lion statue

that he has in his house I think it's like it's a cis lion what does that mean or no it's a genderless

it's a gender fluid lion what the fuck does that mean that line is it's just anything you want it to pass on its genes at all yes it is

how it still has it still has genitalia but what kind it doesn't matter it doesn't matter that's what I'm asking you that's the point

is don't let its genitalia determine you're a opinions of it. Yes. You cuck. You cuck. Fuck. Yeah.

It's a lot. Is it? Yeah. Okay. Is it alive were you going to say? No. It's a lion with a knob. Okay.

And a male. Is that somehow a male or a female lion? I think lionesses are awesome. I think lionesses are so cool. They do all the hunting and shit. They're wicked. They're so, they're badass. What are you thinking the worst of me for wanting to know what gender it was?

I'm not. It doesn't matter. It's a fucking lion. Fucking cuck. God damn. I'm putting down lying. We're not talking about this anymore. Mouse didn't even get a look at it.

No, we didn't even discuss the mouse. Cow versus frog. What gender is the cow? It's a fucking man, all right? Is it? Yeah. Oh, it's not a lady cow. Lady cow's a great.

I like mit, no. What the fuck's a bull? Lady cows are shit. Why? They can't fight. They're like, they're bad at maths. They can't dry. You can eat them.

Right? They're terrible of digesting grass and he's two stomach Demand cows To swallow stones to grind it up Do man cows make milk as well? I don't know

No A different kind of milk No I'm sure I'm probably lactate At some point in my life Actually I think it's physically possible For a man to lactate I think that's actually true

You just do not have the hormones to do it Yeah It's got a if it's a lady cow Yeah In the same way like chickens A very sexy lady cow With big eyelashes And a nice pair of

of udders. A pair of udders. What monstrous animal is this? It's high production value for the dairy industry, right? Old McDonald is just having a whale of a time over here with this fucking two-uddered cow. Carbord. Cars produced cheese products.

Yes, which is clear. I like good crackers. That's a good business for a cheese. You agree with that? Frogs don't make cheese, do they? No. You can't have a frog-tug-tuck cracker, can you? No, you can't.

Hey, there be good. I've misspelled eagle I forgot to do the A so it's now an eggle That's what it is when it's born isn't it It's just a little eagle Lion versus cow What gender is the lion?

Are they both female? Yes Yes That's tough Yeah because that's the best Lioness and milky cows That's the best gender The ones that make you all delicious milker

Oh my God You won't have milker without cows I've got enough milk Unless you could use lion milk maybe. Lions like Tate, still got, and it's a lady, it's a lady lion. I wonder what lime milk tastes like. Oh, pretty bad, I imagine. I don't know.

That's the more feasible one of the two to obtain. You've had some. Have I? Was I breastfed? Yeah, I mean, yeah, you kind of are. You strike me as someone who was, who was not breastfed. Oh, braced for way too long. I think you're probably still breastfed. Bity. Lion B cow, what we're saying, gentlemen?

Lion bars are delicious. King of the jungle. Cow bars aren't. So, lion. Probably lion, I think. You might remember a few months ago, I did animal fight 2018, where we decided that I think, was it lion, was the best animal? It was lion versus dog in the end.

I never made a note of which one won. I think I conceded. No, I think the dog won. Because I got overruled. I was team Ryan. I asked if it was lioness or lion, and you guys were like, why? And I was like, because lioness is a badass. Fuck it off.

Right, first pledge. There are a few, so bear with me here. If you pledge $5 to $49, you'll get a Save Toys R Us bumper sticker. Sick. Wow. 50 to 99, you'll get a Toys R Us bumper sticker and a special Save Toys R Us numnums. What? What the fuck's a num-n-nom.

I don't know, but presumably this guy has all sorts of lines of toys, so a num-nom-nom is a thing. If you pledge $100 to $499, which is already too much, you get the bumper. sticker, a pin. Oh my God. And... Not a pin badge, just a natural pin. Just a pin. And Safe Toys R Us Special Edition, LOL surprise.

Right. This is all stuff that's costing literally pennies to make as well, because he owns the person that manufacturing these goods. He's not telling what the surprise is. $500 to $99, you get the bumper sticker, a pin, a magnet. Whoa! A customized Save Toys R Us special edition Little Tikes, Cozy Coup. Oh, I don't know what that is.

So you're spending $1,000 and you're getting a toy car and a magnet. Yep. If you spend $1,000 to $4,999, you get the bumper sticker, a pin, a magnet, and I'll always be a Toys R Us kid T-shirt, and a Little Tikes Build a House, which I've looked up, it's worth £200. Wow. Oh, my God. $5,000 to $9,999.

We'll get you the bumper sticker, the Peezerer. pin, the magnet, the I'll always be a Toys R Us kid t-shirt, and a Little Tikes super slam and dunk. What if I don't like Little Tikes, but I like Toys R Us? Well, that's the problem, Peter. Yeah. Well, they may win you over if you donate between $10,000 and $24,99. You get the bumper stick of the pin, the magnet, the t-shirt, an invite to a local Toyser Us reopening block party. No.

You get to go to the Toys R Us. and a Little Tikes backyard makeover. I really like how the bands are so wide there. So that's up to $24,000. Yeah. Why won't you just spend an extra dollar and get? A bumper sticker, a pin, a magnet, a t-shirt, an invite to a reopening block party,

a tour of the Ohio Little Tikes factory, the oldest toy factory currently operating in the US, including travel and accommodations for one pound more, one dollar more even. What a bargain. 50 grand to 75 grand. You get a bumper sticker,

a pin, a magnet, a t-shirt, a personal block party for your friends and family, including Little Tikes products, food and all associated items. I don't know what Little Tikes food is, but I imagine it's plastic.

Yeah, I wouldn't eat it. Right, you're ready for a big jump in bandwidth. Oh, you keep going. 25k to 250k. You get a bumper sticker, a pin, a magnet, a t-shirt, an invite to a local block party. Not your own one this time. You'll lose that. And attendance at a special taping of unboxed, whatever that is, and it includes travel and accommodations.

If you spend $500,000, you get sectioned. Are you ready for this next one? Because now it starts to get silly. right 250k to a million dollars oh my god you get a safe

Toys R Us bumper sticker a pin a magnet and I'll always be a a Toys R Us kid t-shirt An invite to a local Bloz Reop Party

Reopening Block Party and toys for five years from Toys R Us I'm not confident it would ever stay open No yeah that's such a stretch Five years

Right only two tiers left Oh okay And the bands are really going wild now. One million to ten million dollars. You get a hashtag safe Toys R Us bumper sticker,

a pin, a magnet and I'll always be a Toys R Us Kid T-shirt, an invite to a local Toys R Us reopening block party and a signed thank you letter from Isaac Lerick. Oh, you fucking kidding. CEO of MGA Entertainment

and an I helped Toys R Us hero plaque at a Toys R Us location. That's for your choosing. Even though it's, More stuff that somehow seems worse than the previous one. Doesn't it? You get to go to a secret unboxing taping in the room.

For seven digits, you get a thank you letter. Finally, the final band is 10 million plus. Right. You get a hashtag Save Toys R Us bumper stick, a pin, a magnet. And I'll always be a Toys R Us kid t-shirt. Invite to a local Toys R Us reopening block party, a signed thank you letter from Isaac Larry and CEO of MGA Entertainment. A plaque.

You don't get a plaque. Well, we're getting there. Okay. There's a lot on this one. And Kid CEO for the day experience, including a trip to a Southern California theme park, not stated, travel and accommodations, and Toys R Us store dedication naming rights for the location of your choosing, and Toys for Life from Toys R Us. Can we call it Toys Russie-Mick Toys Russie face?

We could. The fine print does say, however, that he will always. ultimately decide which toys and how many you get. What? Here's a single doll. This is such bullshit. This is the worst. That's amazing.

We go back to a quote here from the man himself, Isaac. Children need a place to play, he said. I can't imagine a world where that doesn't exist anymore. Or why not spend a million dollars? This guy has a very warped idea of what children playing is, I think. Yeah, they don't play at, well, they do play at Toys R Us, but only because they're there and they've got toys in their hands. Yeah, if you take them to a McDonald's,

play at McDonald's. They'll play at home. I get the feeling he's not in it for the kids, he's in it for the money. He's very much in it for the money. And also, I think he might be panicking that Little Tykes isn't rather than telling me. Um, so yeah, anyway, that's the kind of business insight you can expect from a man who wants to raise a billion dollars in just over a month. And to be fair, he has managed to get $200 million, $26,000, $239 in just two days. No way. But, that's got to be fake. But a staggering $200 million is. from investors that he already knows. Meaning he's only raised 26K

and at the time of recording with one and a half months to go, he has 799,9,973,761 left to raise. He's almost there. Hey guys, if you donate $1 to Vidiots on Patreon, you won't get any benefits. You can dedicate a Toys R Us plaque.

Yeah. We'll give you a pin, a magnet. No, we won't. An invite to a, no, we won't. No, we're not going to do any of that. No, but you're just, it's a more sound investment than it is to gamble on Toys R Us. Isaac Larian there. This is the kind of man who's so rich, I think so tin of beans cost $2,000.

Yeah, he does. She has no concept of what money really is. For like $75,000. You get the T-shirt, you get the buffiness. People come playing Kanye West's lining of clothes is expensive. Look at this shit. Isaac Larian, more like I suck dick. I've had a musical weekend.

Okay. And I've made a song. Right. And is it anything to do with your anecdote? It's not, no, it's totally unrelated. It's just a song about my favorite thing. So I'm going to get this loaded up. Is it Stoke-on-Trent?

Sadly not. I can't quite, you know, there's no point making a Stoke-on-Trent song. I've been all over this weekend, but mostly. I've been to... Stoke-on-Trent. No, sadly, it's not quite that level of musical, but it's all right. I'm going to plug it in. And you made this, did you?

Yeah, yeah, I found a beat online. Okay. I have... Oh, my... It's a video. I've lost... Oh no. Okay, we've got a video that says dog wrap.

Is this going to work without? We got that doggy shit, no, I ain't talking sexual war. Walking round on all fours, they make me hit the floor. The flufers, the boofers. You know I'm talking about woofers. Woof, woof, bring it down. I see them almost every day. You know, I stop and say, hey.

If that owner gets in my way, there's gonna be a price to pay. What? Smack a bitch, smack a bitch. What? Michael! And I ain't talking about a female dog. This one goes out to my boy, Gabe. May he rest in peace.

My heart hurt so much. I made a memorial cage. Eggs, cheese. It was made to please and ease. This sense of melancholy. I got a manifesto. I wanna be the first hoe Hugging pet

Every dog on this planet called Earth Left hand Right hand Left hand Give it a pet This boy feeling like a cloud I love a pit bull I ain't talking Mr. 305

Snoop Dog's all right But he's got nothing on the real deal I love those little fluffy Darling Pomeranians They make me go Super Super Super Super Say ya Y'all know what I'm saying It's my dog rap

It's not dog crap And this shit snaps I want to go and make a doggy Mentory Getting funded by the BBC Release it on Gibbs anniversary For the whole wide world to see

So now I do decree They mean so much to me Just never watch 2008 film Marley and me Real dog shit 2018 This one goes out to my dog spot and fam

Peace That's my thing I had a fun weekend making that Um Michael Johnson Yeah hi Uh please it please As if it wasn't like an open book already

But please just Please just invite us into your brain and talk us through what possessed you to make that. I think it was four, three a.m. on a Friday. Right. And I just got the idea in my brain. I want to write a rap. Where did you get the track from?

That's epidemic music. Okay. Okay. How long did it take you to? I'm now talking to you like a concerned parent and it's not intentional. But you sound like a police negotiator trying to bring him down from a window. Michael, how long did it take you to write? That was maybe like an hour or two.

Okay. So it's something you're very passionate. Yeah, and I sung some real time into this. Okay. I found the perfect beat. Chopped and changed it a bit. I didn't, you know, Gabe's balk sound effective. And it does have a video component.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. You're not in it. No, no, it's just pictures of dogs and the lyrics. What more do you need? Right. And where can people find that? Go on my Twitter. I'll post it at like 6pm today.

Yeah, link dump and on my Twitter at Pariboy, if you fancy watching that again. My, it wasn't, I didn't plan for this, but it's perfectly two minutes, 20 seconds long. So it's perfect for Twitter. Twitter. Total chance. Ideal. My goodness.

This is, I mean, I just don't know what to say. Michael. I am very impressed. There's rhymes. Oh, I spit bars. And the absolute chewed coming off here. No thing. I exude the chewed, my friend.

No thing that any of us will ever bring along again. Sound to end the podcast. We'll even match that level of creative. I got very excited about that. I've been wanting to put that out for quite a few days. I thought, no, I'll physically shake. holding your phone for us to watch. That was just wonderful.

I haven't made a song in many years. I used to be quite a musical child. I'd sing shitty songs, but this is my first, you know, polished, fully fledged. What a trick. Time to release an album, I think. And what's it called? Dog rap.

I was scared that's going to misread as dog rape, but no, it's dog rap. I mean, now that you've said it, it's a dog rap. It ain't no dog crap. That was great. Nice. Left hand. Right hand.

Left hand. Give it a pet. Cool. I miss my dog, man. I miss my dog. We could do a live rap. We could do a live lounge. Yeah, freestyle.

Michael Johnson. Someone Leonardo Bina Bnard to spit some bars for everyone. Like Tim Westwood, but better. Guys, thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you for listening, everybody. Don't forget to leave your comments down below. And we respect you.

Share it. Name my children, please. Name is children. Bye. Thank you. Thank you. I'm nother. Oh,

and I'm going to Thank you.