Podiots - Podiots Season 2 Highlights - VOLUME 3

Episode Date: July 14, 2020

We're all busy boys this week, so enjoy some of the very best of Podiots in one handy place, thanks to Tom Gallon for compiling these clips! Clips taken from episodes 28-48. Donate £3 or more to get a shoutout and join the Pod Squad! - https://streamlabs.com/podiotsdonations/ New merch: http://smarturl.it/Podiots Twitch: Twitch.tv/vidiotsofficial YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/vidiotsofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/VidiotsOfficial Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vidiotsofficial Discord:  http://bit.ly/VidiotsDiscord Ben and Peter's channel 'TripleJump': https://www.youtube.com/teamtriplejump Follow the gang on Twitter: Ben: @Confused_Dude Peter: @ThatPeterAustin Michael: @ParrotBoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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during the Volvo Fall Experience event. Conditions apply, visit your local Volvo retailer or go to explore Volvo.com. I realize that a lot of these start with just humming. Yeah, I was going to say it's nice. It's soothing. It's like a gentle ramp up to the madness that will surely ensue. Do you think it's possible to hum in a non-soothing way? I think to be a threatening hum, you just have to do it in like a dark, isolated place. and just have like only like like if you're in like a dark alleyway

like 3 a.m. and you hear a hum in the distance that's instantly going to be pretty threatening. But it's like nursery rhymes, isn't it? Children's nursery rhymes. Yeah, they're all fine when it's when Dave Benson Phillips is singing them on Fun Song Factory. But, you know, the moment you get

a six-year-old girl singing it in a graveyard and you can't actually see where the girl is, that's terrifying. But somehow you've assessed the gender, Excuse me, Peter? Yeah. Excuse me? What the fuck, dude?

Yeah. That's not cool. It could just be Dave Benson Phillips, but with a higher voice. You never know. Could his voice be any higher? Oh, no! My exosuit has been hicked! Jack and you went up the hill to fetch your pain of water.

That hurt to do that. New appreciation for Dave and all he does. That was a trooper. Yeah. all his miracles. When he goes to Nando's, he gets the hottest sauce and just layers his throat in it, and it helps prepare him for his vocal activities of the day. Oh, no!

I call it Dave's secret larynx juice. Oh, larynx juice, no. Right. Let's talk Kevin. Oh, shit, yeah. We need to talk about Kevin. We need to talk about Kevin. He's not been eating his vegetables recently.

Have you guys had the same issue as me? But the best way to remedy that, it would be to start a podcast because he would then have to open his mouth and we can just shove loads of vegetables inside. But we can't be doing that at dinner time every day just for a meal. Well, we just have to make sure we give him a fortnight's worth of vegetables and one go each time.

My God. One thousand peas. Energy cube. I'm worried that his non-vegetable eating is part of a larger problem because he's acting up. For example, right now. Outside the window.

He's playing outside on the street with his friends and he's not come home and I said, Kevin, you need to be home for seven. It's now 10 to 8. This is ridiculous. You're still outside. The streetlights aren't on. Maybe he's living by that.

You know, the sort of Facebook mum meme kind of. We used to, oh, in my childhood, we drank out of the hosepipe. I don't know why this woman's voice is broken yet. How old is this woman? She's either 90 or she's like a 14-year-old boy. I'm not really sure. That's what drinking out the horse pipe does to you. It just ages you so quickly, messes you up.

And then add to that, hosepipe. water, a little bit of hot sauce, and you get Dave Benson. Oh, no! Right, I'm going to shout out the window to Kevin now to start the music. You guys ready? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Kevin! Kevin! Kevin, put that boy down.

Kevin! He's eaten a dog. Kevin! Oh my God, Kevin, no. Was that gizmo? Kevin, you need to be back in in five minutes. Five minutes. So don't you pull that face He's telling me to go fuck myself Wow

Alright that's a bit too far Kevin You can have 10 more minutes As long as you open your mouth No no you can't You can't sway to him like that You said come in now Then he said five more minutes

Then he wanted to go fuck yourself And he said 10 more minutes That's how these kids get out of control Look Peter Austin Alright when it's when it's your turn To watch Kevin You can parent him however you want But quite frankly

It's just getting through the day most of the time. Right. All right, so let me just do this. Oh, my head. Kevin. Kevin, can you roll the intro, please? Kevin's coming back.

He's just gone to the time. Is Kevin at the worst times? Yeah, well, Kevin's always at my... I told you, I own Kevin. He's mine. I don't know. Do you want to borrow him? No, but I didn't know he... Does he live there? Or does he just come around when he knows you're doing a podcast?

He's just sort of like, he's kind of ever-present. So, right now, he's oh hang on yeah he's just flushed the toilet and oh he's just floated through the wall yeah okay Kevin's here right so he just he doesn't really obey the laws of anything

I'm fairly sure that why don't you give him a call see if you can get him to come to you are you sure he's not is this a mongoose how can he go through the walls well I can't see him because he's a freak I like to think Kevin doesn't even

like have a cassette player to play the intro on it just emits from his body he's like a human speaker you haven't seen him I'll tell you what Michael call him over to you now and you'll see what he does is he his eyes just go completely black like just just pure black the blackest you've ever seen okay and then his jaw unhinges and just like falls all the way down

limply and then the poddiots theme just plays out of it oh oh my head Kevin was a round at mine a few days ago but he's not here anymore oh did you have moved for tea I did yeah oh what did you what did you have well what I had to do because we had just potato smile he's just loads of potato smileys and in order to get him to eat it like he wouldn't open his mouth and so I had to pretend that a podcast was starting I had to say um you know I I'd had to stand near him with a plate of potato smileies and just say right guys are you are you ready shall we go okay let's let's run the intro and then he sort of opened his mouth and did the noise and then I shoved him in every potato smiley yeah that's what that was I was wondering because as we discussed before that frequency

can be heard around the world yeah and um I heard that And I was like, what the fuck? It was Kevin doing it? Why is there a podcast beginning somewhere? Seven times in a row. This is weird. And he didn't choke? No, I don't think he, I think he's like a duck.

He just swallows. Right. There's no chewing involved. He didn't need to rub his throat or anything to induce. Didn't have to put the potato smile inside a piece of chicken, like a tablet for a cat. Oh, me head. Kevin's just been huddled in my flat for a while. I don't know if he's sheltering from something or I don't know what's going on.

Is he doing that pigeon thing whereas he's got no neck and he's just sort of all ruffled up? Yeah, exactly. Oh, me head. Carrie, at Carrey the worst underscore, asks, what does Kevin look like exactly? The more detail, the better.

Now, keep in mind, Carrie is our resident, non-resident, official, unofficial artist. So there's an outside chance. She might want this detail so that she can do our art of Kevin. Well, Longhorns. Longhorns.

we've established that he's got wheels haven't we? Did we say how many? I think three. Yeah, I was thinking three, yeah, it's three. Sort of like the cooker from A Grand Day Out. Yeah, Wallace and Gromit. He eats dogs. Yeah. He's got a jaw he can unhinge. Yeah. His favorite bit of clothing is his crop

top sweater. So his belly's always on short. It looks real good on him. And of course, on the crop top, it is emblazoned with Wurzel Gummage. Just Wurzel Gummage's face there. Classic.

He has a tattoo on his midriff of the pigeon tattoo from Mikey's future funeral. He's seen it and he came back. We should also mention that Kevin has come to us from the future as well. He's not from our time. No, no. You're right. And you can tell that by the trousers that he's wearing, which are actually 100% reflective to the point that it almost looks like he's not.

not got trousers on. It's like they almost look like a portal because it just perfectly shows the texture of whatever is in front of him. His torso is invisible, but you can still see his clothes and also his tattoo as well. It just sort of floats there. So he's got these crazy trousers. He's got invisible torso, but the tattoo you can still see it. Horns. Wuzzle Gummage crop top. Unhinged jaw, three wheels. He's actually, his left and right arms aren't the same length. His left thwondroop's considerably lower than the right. Yeah. And also if you look at his hands, they're on the wrong way around?

They are. And actually, all of his fingers are just on one hand. He's got 20 fingers. And the other one is sort of just a knife, isn't it? He's got ten fingers, just on one hand. Yeah, the other one's a knife. Okay. He's like a multi-tool.

He's great. Yeah. A great big bushy beard. A great big bushy beard. And what was his, what was his hair again, Mikey? I can't. He's come inside now. but I can't see him.

He's not coming in here. Oh, he's got like, you know, the haircut that the monks have. Or it's just like bald in the middle and hair out everywhere else. Yeah, theoretically possible. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bingo. A little bit sexist.

He's a little bit sexist. I don't know if that's a way you can get that in there. He's young. He'll learn. He'll learn. Is that he? I think that's about it. So there you go, Carrie.

That's exactly what Kevin looks like. Best of luck. Can't miss him. Best of luck. Put that. If you're going to draw it, God. Godspeed. So there you go.

I think if Carrie was wanting to draw Kevin to begin with, I think she's not decided not to do that. Oh, me head. Your boys ready? Yeah. Yeah. Did anybody seen Kevin around at all? Didn't you send him to the shops like on Tuesday and he hasn't come back yet?

Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. Maybe when he got there, someone, there was some sort of, we need someone to start some music-based emergency at the shop. You know, something was happening in which someone desperately needed a man or woman to help them play some music and he was like my time to shine and he's got this unhinged his jaws yeah just started playing out of his out of his gullet like a like a megaphone do do do do do do do yeah and that's how he solved uh well he didn't solve world peace

he created world peace he solved a problem world peace well but it's been too peaceful for too long around here thank god for that oh hang on oh oh i see him he's here he's bad he's here Oh, he's just in time. Kevin? Oh, no, he's gone. He's gone. He was heading in your direction, though, Peter, across the river. Do you see him?

No, no. Can you peer at your window? Oh, no, no, no, that wasn't him. Oh, wait, wait, wait, no, that's it. Oh, sorry, no, it's just a pigeon. Sorry. I mean, I could just start it at this time, I suppose. Do you want to just press play for us?

Yeah, hang on. Okay, oh my God. If anyone, Peter just fell off his chair. If anyone sees Kevin in the meantime, please tweet us at video. It's official. Let us know where he is, please. He's dearly missed. We're still paying his salary.

He's going to be gone a second. Peter, did you actually fall off for you? I'm fine. Oh, I got worried there. Jesus. I thought you actually died. That was a bit of foley artistry. That was me slamming the music button.

But then you carried on talking, so the music couldn't play. Sorry, do you want to press you? Sorry. Sorry, I'll just sort of slam back off. You ready for the music, guys? Yeah. Okay, here it comes. Hello everybody and welcome to potty. It's the official.

Biff. There we go. Vidiots. Booth. Podcast. Bam. Is that Mikey? It's a conversational. Who knows? It's a conversational podcast where we take some questions from you at home and obey the law of the three

us where everybody brings a thing along to talk about. I'm Ben. I'm Peter and I'm Mike Hall. The River Seven is river dividing Wales and the rest of England.

Genuinely couldn't even understand that. I could. Could you? It's because we make that joke to each other all the time. And we always do the exact same. It's always the River Seven. it's a geography when they wheel out the TV

and geography that's been on the only 100 the river 7 is a really it sounds so accurate what the fuck there's just occasional

syllables just make it I think they hit the resonant frequency of the TV and it just goes like you know they'll be

they'll be talking about the Amazon the Amazon yeah it's always re the yeah it's always re the

The River 7. Sorry, that's really tickled me. You started making those noises and all came back to me, flooding back. Everybody's been there. Everybody's had Mr. Horn's B for geography. Old PE teacher. Why'd leave the school?

Still there. Cairo is based on the side of the River Nile. That's what it's like. As we pan across Europe and look at Czechoslovakia. Czechos, Slovakia. Yeah, how old is this video? That's what I mean.

Yeah. Wait, is Czechoslovakia not a thing? What the fuck? No. You know, not anymore. What happens to it? It's the Czech Republic now. Oh.

And Slovakia. So you clearly had the VHS. Yeah. I was describing. I've been watching that for years. That's why I get all my information from. Peter likes to buy used, like, USB stick-style MP3 players from the early noughties and just listen to them. and it's just a lucky dip for him.

Yeah, I only buy used ones that will just have preloaded music onto them. It's just where is the love, but it sounds like this. The other seven, where is they live? Yeah,

people killing, people dying. I think I did actually have Where is the Love on my USB. Everybody did. Everybody did. What was that? What were you singing? It's a song about Durham.

Oh, I see. The Pink Panther, right? There it is. Yay. You win 50 points. You were both singing it. So sort of, in a very subdued, it was as though you were actually the Pink Panther,

and you were just trying to stay low-key, but you were singing the tune as well. Maybe the Pink Panther was inside you all along. The Pink Panther inside. my Peter. Oh, God. No, I don't want that. Take off the wig. What is it? Ears. What color are they? Pink. Why are they pink?

Because you're a panther. Oh, pink panther's like an actual thing. I mean, obviously, they're not. No. Okay. I mean, immediate, just going to shut that down. I mean, here's, no, but here's news for you. Here's news that this might surprise you. Oh my God. That a panther isn't even a species of animal. Wait, what? Really? Yeah.

What is it then? So this is the thing. You know how like when, you know, people, Some people report seeing, like, big cats in the UK, like, on, like, Dartmoor and stuff. Yeah. And a lot of the time ago... Classic Dartmouth. Yeah, you know, classic Dartmoor. And you're like, oh, yeah, what do you think it was? Like, oh, it was a panther?

It was like, well, actually, I think you'll find. I think you'll find that a panther isn't a species of cat. It's like a collective term for, like, lions, tigers, pumas. It's like, yeah, I think it's, I don't know what the exact criterion is. Tim Allen over here. Wow. I don't know if it's like they have to be able to roar or something, because like a cheetah. That was when the guy was like going around writing his encyclopedia.

Right, right, Mr. John Wiltsbuth, I don't know why I went for the guy who killed Abraham Lincoln, but can you do a roar for me? Okay, you're classified as a panther. Well, so this is the thing there, but a cheetah, a cheetah is the biggest cat that can purr. Or it's like the biggest cat that can't roar or something like that. I think my favorite thing about all this is the fact that you're not reading from a screen. You're just reciting this from your little brain. Well, I was.

I have now just looked up the definition of panther. A black panther is the monastic color variant of other big cat species. Okay, so. Black Panthers in Asia and Africa are leopards. Ooh. And those in America are jaguus. Jaguars. Right.

So I think it's, I think it's, because it's so commonly used by people to describe. just a black cat, like a black panther. Yeah. It is now, it now just means what people say it means, but it certainly didn't used to mean that. So, sorry, I've just Googled it. I'm going to bring some facts to the party.

Yeah. Oh, wait, no, sorry, no, sorry, I'm reading the wrong thing. Ignore me. I was going to bring some facts, but I was going to bring more misinformation. Never mind. Can we get a nice little petition, maybe a change to org going?

Yeah. It's time we lobby big, comic book film. It's time we lobby Marvel to rename Black Panther to melanistic African leopard. Yeah. Come on guys. Let's get accurate. I agree. I want to be sort of, I want to be stuffed and then propped up in a chair, like a gaming chair in front of a webcam with my hand on the mouse and keyboard and then just some some game. running and then live streamed just forever um can i make a request yeah can we take you to the taxidermy place that makes the foxes look really weird yes and wonky i don't think that's just one

taxidermy place i think that's just bad taxidermis but yeah i think that's what the business is called isn't it bad taxidermy yeah they do all of them yeah i want to be one killy taxidemized and then propped up on a live stream forever you know i want to i want to do what what I love after I'm dead. Pete, can I quickly jump in with an old news story here? Yeah. Someone's already done this without the live streaming part. Oh, Christ.

A family whose teenage son died honored his memory in an unusual wake. His corpse was positioned in a chair facing a television screen, a video game control in hand, and his favorite snacks next to him. Oh, my God. A snacks. A snack. There's a picture here, if you're comfortable seeing that. Go on then.

Hit me. pop it in. It's very weird, mate. That's very slow, so this might take a while. Okay. See, I like video games, but I can think of nothing worse than being remembered as that's all he did. Yeah. Oh, that's... It's so weird. That's horrible. Oh, it's loaded. What's he got there? Has he got some Pepsi? There's some Doritos. Jesus Christ. He's lent so far back. He's chilling, man. That dude is reclined. He's wearing socks and sandals, though, which isn't the coolest thing in the world. but have you seen the socks or they've got a picture of a basketball player on them?

Sure. Pretty poor turnout as well. Look, there's empty chairs behind it. It's weird how they've set them up like a museum exhibit. Yeah. There's like a rope round him. Don't step past that velvet rope. Please don't touch the exhibit. That's weird.

No, that's strange. I don't like that. Peter Austin. Yeah. It is 2014. Oh, is it? And season four of Game of Thrones is currently airing. Season what? Four.

Season four. Okay. You've just turned 73. receiving the VHS edition of the 1983 Winding the Willows film it's your favourite I love that I genuinely really like that film that was a complete stab in the dark but I'm fucking hit it right on the head didn't I yeah you I'd literally search what's an old thing Winning the Willows when was the oldest film made 1983 eyes probably he probably likes that one oh 83 oh no I don't

know what that one is sorry that's my mistake oh damn it okay well close anyway there's one that's got like all of Monty Python in it or nearly all of them and that was quite good okay yeah well you were 73 and 14. That is fact. For the benefit of those unfamiliar with Mr. Blobby, allow Wikipedia to enlighten you. Mr. Blobby is a character featured on Noel Edmund's Saturday night

variety BBC television show Noel's house party. A bulbous pink figure covered with yellow spots, he has a permanent toothy grin and green jiggling eyes. Mr. Blobby communicates only by saying the word blobby in an electronically altered voice expressing his moods through tone of voice and repetition through tone of voice, sorry, and repetition. He topped the UK singles charts

with the 1993 Christmas release, Mr. Blobby. He did. Now, dear friend of the show, Noel Edmonds, appeared on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here last year, and before he went into the jungle, he had the following words to say when asked what Blobby would think of him going into the jungle. Well, the story of Mr. Blobby is a sad story

because the fame got to him. You know the story? Oh my God. After the whole American experience and whatever, he got a bar in Marbella and Mrs. Blobby left with the kids and he drank the prophets, frankly. He was never going to work... Sorry, it was never going to work when you think of the climate in Marbella.

It was never going to work. That smell of rubber was putting people off. So here's a shadow of his former self. Oh my God. Did he just fucking spitball that in the moment? Because that's incredible. Who did he say this to? Yeah.

Yeah, this is a story on the mirror. Oh my God, that's canon. I mean, he gets to choose the canon, I think. So this is the last canon update we have on Mr. Blobby. But what if there's more to the story? And what if it took on a more erotic slant? Oh, no. Are you saying that you have brought Mr. Blobby,

fan fiction erotica this is um this is what i'm christening and bear with me here blob erotica yes it's perfect and uh this fan fiction comes by way of shay underscore butters on wattpad dot com i've made some slight adjustments to make it more relevant to blobby canon mainly in that he speaks in full sentences in the original version which just isn't right and uh quite frankly it's filth and it needed cleaning up a little bit for our good wholesome christian audience of boys and girls um but so he's going to be whispering sweet sweet blobbings into someone's i also need two volunteers uh one to play mr me me sir me yeah yeah me you yes yes okay fantastic one of you needs to play mr blobby and one of you needs to play his sexy friend oh geez

can I be the sexy friends by all means Peter go for it so Michael Johnson has Mr. Blobby yeah and Peter Austin as sexy friends they're all you were born to play Michael yeah I can't wait

I was just about to say that it's all culminated to this oh this is this is like this is just has Booth's name written all over it she likes her fanfic and she likes her blobby you know

she'd be loving this I hope she's listening Well, I hope Booth enjoys it. Yeah. Right. You guys ready? Let me just double check that I've got it all in here because I don't want, I couldn't forgive myself if this went wrong. Literally, those first like eight words change tense.

Oh, believe me, I've made some adjustments for context, but I've kept all of the weird sentence structure and tense issues in. it sort of jumps between the past tense and the present tense. Mr. Blobby, are you ready? Oh, I... Blobby. Thank you. Peter Austin's sexy friend, are you ready? Yes. Okay, here we go. The air had a moist sensation as you look up.

The tears of loneliness from the sky relate to the sinking feeling of being dumped by your obnoxious now-ex boyfriend. As you, to drag yourself around the streets, you notice the old park where you and your schoolmates used to play at, slumping down on a bench you sigh as you're being drenched in the rain. Suddenly you notice a pink, blurry figure in the distance. It waddles over to you with a big, creepy and sexy grin, as you examined the figure's six-pack and yellow poker dots

placed on his greasy plastic skin. Blobby? He looked at your tear-streamed face with his beautiful green eyes. Oh. You quietly said. My boyfriend dumped me for a woman. Blobby? The pink handsome figure gasped.

Blobby, bloby, bloby, broby. Well, he said that women simply to... He said that women simply to put it have more potential than you. You look down as the flashbacks flood your brain. The pink figure pats your head. Blobby. He said compassionately,

holding out a grossly mission. shape and hand. Really? Really? You muster that as you hold back the second wave of tears. Blobby. The pink figure took your hand with his greasy grip and led you while you followed. You have so many thoughts of him comforting you as you follow.

Blobby, Blobby, Blobby, Blobby. Oh, I'm insert name here. You finally arrived at a home that matched Mr. Blobby's skin. skin. Without hesitation, he leads you to his room. What? He pins you to the bed. What are you doing? Blobby! You stayed silent as Mr. Blobby began undressed the top half of you, and you feel something hard

grind on you. Oh no! Why is this exciting me? You become very excited as Mr. Blobby teases your Wilkins by roughly kissing slash gnawing it through the fabric. Blobby, blob, blob, blob, blob, blob, blob. He muttered seductively at your Wilson. Please don't speak while touching it. He started to kiss your nip-nops, giving them a small suckled. Without having two minutes, your jeans become damp as you made a boocake.

Not just your clothes, but on to Mr. Blobby and his William, giving off an... giving off an erotic look. Blobby, blob, blob, blob. He growled as he ripped off the jeans and gently slid off your boucake underwear. Blobby. He said, his stare and blinking as he put the pants in his bedside drawer. You keep silent with the face of trying to resist. You grasp as his chiseled fingers insert your naughty zone.

I can't hold back anymore. A sudden thrusts penetrates. Every time he thrusted, you make a boo cake. You continued baking boo cakes all night long till the morning until you could practically open a stall at the village bait to sell all of the boo cakes you baked that night with hot blueby. The end. What the fuck?

There's so much, so much to say about that. Why did he take off the boo cake underwear and put it into the bedside drawer? So this is, this is an editor's note, fragment, consider revising. Obviously, Blobby originally had dialogue in this, so I had to try and give some context through updating the narration. He originally said that he was going to keep them for later, for special intimate time on his own.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah. It's very sentimental, our Blobby. Any other questions? I'll now take questions. To what extent did it say boo cake slash bucaki versus like something else? because what are the odds? We call it a boo cake

and then there's a thing about baking boo cakes at the village fate. I want to know what level of editing that has had. That's all me. The gist is still there, but I had to sort of commit to the bootcake alternative and also the Williams,

Wilson Wilkins alternative and the getting excited alternative because quite frankly, Peter, it was filth. I can't imagine. It would just make everyone, I think, more uncomfortable than it would remove the fun, I think,

by talking about it quite so unsubtly. Are you using Wilson as like a gender-neutral term for genitals here? That's a very good point. Maybe this is the, I mean, it's meant to be, I believe, between two gay lovers. Oh, that makes, oh, there we go, me with my heteronormative ways. I thought this was a girl in a blobby, and I got really confused when I heard. whispered at your Wilkins. Yeah, no.

It makes sense now, of course. My boyfriend left me for a woman, remember? Oh. I think it was, the title of it was something like Mr. Blobby takes your V card or something like that. It said part two coming soon, but unfortunately this was posted in 2011, and I don't think we're going to get another part. Well, you don't want to come too soon, do you? You have to be a thoughtful lover. You've got to keep that boocake in the oven for a while.

Yeah, otherwise it will come out all soft. Oh, I don't want a soft boo cake. No, you don't. Nice firm one, that's what you want. Anyway, Sam Armand asks, we've had cereal and animals, but what's the big tournament slash fight of 2019? Oh, my goodness.

Have we done critics? Oh, did you just slap down a, was that paper I heard slapping down? This is the book I've had since the Ogg's cast, and I got this on the first day of the Oggscast, as we all did. and only three, let's see, one, two, four pages of it are written on. Yeah, I think I have the door code on one.

Yeah, I think I wrote on like two pages of mine the whole time we were there. So I've got animal fight, serial fight, I've got a third undisclosed fight, and on the fourth page I've got some Sonic fan art of him kissing a woman from Sonic O Six. Oh yeah, it was good that, it was important. It was important.

But today's fight, ladies and gentlemen, ding, ding, ding. It is British supermarket. And it is... I've got a new fucking show for you. Get rid of the houses and Game of Thrones. It's all about people loyal to supermarkets. Happy shoppers. Tesco marching in with their stripy blue and white uniform.

There's the orange heads from Sainsbury. Asda have got the backing of Walmart, so they're just rolling up in tanks. Nice. So our first battle is between Iceland and Asda. Now, Azda, I'm not a fan of. It's cheap. I mean, I shopped at Azda for nearly a year

when I lived in my first flat in Bristol, it was a fucking godsend. Yeah, yeah. It's just, like, the fresh fruit and vegetable section is quite small, and it's quite sad, actually. Yeah, I don't think it's the fresh fruit and vegetable, so I think it's just the fruit and vegetable section. Yeah. It's just quite a dim, horrible, sad place, really.

Yeah. Like, most supermarkets are well lit. It's bright, you can look around, but ASDA, I don't know, they just, they put the money elsewhere. They put the money into the UV light and the toilet so that people can't shoot up. Oh, my, yeah, that's genuinely a thing. Just try and fucking stop me Yeah, I'll find that vein

I don't want to see it Just put it straight into my eyeball Oh yeah Is that a thing in all Asda's is that just Bristol It's probably just that one Well not just that one But that one in particular

I think Because it's just surrounded by junkies So even Even though we've just ripped into Asda for a good while there Iceland I don't know I feel wrong

Making that win against the two I think I'd still rather go for Asda because Iceland is Caricotona, right? Oh, yeah. I can't say I've ever really shopped at Iceland, but, you know, all the mums are there

and it sort of seems to be quite a, sort of quite gender biased place. Like, I feel like, like, it's anti-dad. Yeah, remember when we did that Cocoa Pop story? Yeah, exactly. They're on a mission against dads. Whereas if you go to Asda, as we all know, you've got the cake machine,

you've got the pizza counter, which is way better than it has any rights. to be. Who did you go live possible? It's also, they play dancing in the moonlight for some reason, over the speakers. And I walked down the aisle and like I heard the aisle. I was getting married at ASDA. And I heard at least five or six different people humming along to dancing in the moonlight.

He can't not, can you? It's like, this is nice. Like, this is some weird, it's like the rise of brands on social media being like, hey, yeat yourself into a health self-help program my dudes mental health is important also buy some coffee yeah please it's kind of like that where it's like come in for the music and the ambience but also by stay for the almonds a rug there we go on the other hand Iceland is famous for its mini everything it is like my grandma used to be a staunch by Iceland shopper.

Mini hot dogs. Silly fich. Mini Kish, yeah. And for a guy of my stature, that's perfect. They're not mini. They're just ordinary sized. So I think I might have to defend Iceland on this one. I'm aware that it might not win, but I just want it out there that I voted Iceland. Iceland does have some good vegetarian vegan options, but I'm sorry, but ASDA does pinch it for me. That's fine. I agree. It's ASDA for me. I find obviously the mini stuff that Iceland does. Great.

But other supermarkets are catching up now and they have so much more to offer. And also as a man, I feel safe in Azda. Except in the toilets. There's a mum's chase you out. Yeah. They go and no. No, that's why mum's go to Iceland. Not boys. Get out. Go eat a Yorkie,

you bastard. Go eat a Yorkie. And McCoys, you fucking shit. Next up is co-op versus Sainsbury's. Sainsbury's has seen me through years and years of university. Oh, yeah. Okay, so brand loyalty.

Yeah, brand loyalty. That is that. So you would fight and die in the game of Thrones. You'd fight and die for Sainsbury. In my orange armor, absolutely. Saints would bury all of its opponents. We studied Sainsbury's in history. Oh, my God.

Because it's an industrial revolution. Please don't make me learn about Sainsbury's, Peter. It's an industrial revolution era thing. It goes way back. Sainsbury. Yeah, I know. I know there's a Jay in there. And they had like ducks hanging up outside and stuff, you know?

It was like a really old corner shop with just meat hanging and stuff. So, you know, it's an old one. It's a long-standing one. And I think it should get points for that alone. I think it was the first supermarket. PC, you were there at the opening. We all know it. Yeah, exactly.

And that's why I defend it. I want to throw in a little curveball as well. Actually, co-op are the people who can pick up your dead body when you die. Yeah, what is that? They don't know what they are. Fing all the pies. They're a supermarket, a bank, and a funeral parlour. Like, what, just make your mind up.

If feed you, we'll fund you, will kill you, the co-op. That's what their slogan is. Yeah, God, it's the three certainties in life, money, death and expensive sandwiches. Yeah. God. A very poor selection of frozen pizzas for five pounds. Yeah. Okay, well.

Sainsbury's. I'm conflicted. Oh, come on, Mikey. You know that co-op's shit. Wow, like the devil on my shoulder. Come on my, you know. Michael, you're your own man. Do what you will. Okay, fuck it. I'm going to Sainsbury's. Is that a resounding victory for Sainsbury's? It's two to one.

It's two to one. Okay, well, there we go. We move on next to the fancy, the fancy side of a shopping. Waitrose or M&S. Oh, God. I have very limited experience in Waitrose and MNS, as you might expect. Yeah, me too. Waitrose is a grandparent shop. It is.

And I feel like M&S is also a grandparent shop. But I have popped into, I used to work in an M&S. That's actually a very good point. I did work in an MNS. You're a very little experience with MS. Well, I was in like a regular shopper there, but like I worked there at the service station and it was too expensive. I used to rip into Percy Pigs and like write them off as wastage. And every time I'd go sort of back, you know, behind the counter, I'd eat them like a lot of them.

Easter eggs, I'd punch them. And then I'd eat them as well. I mean, that says at all. I mean, we should, I think M&S should go down because the staff do shit like that. Yeah, what the fuck, Ben? It's disgusting. I once was overcome with nausea, and I had to say to a customer, I'm really sorry, and then I disappeared for 15 minutes.

You were overcome with nausea because you've been eating all these Percy pigs? No, no, I think I just, I was faced with sort of the existential horror of being stuck at Sainsbury. It's not not Sainsbury's, I hate Sainsbury. It's just the regret of killing horrors of being stuck at. M and S. Wait, sorry, what was the point of that act? So what did you mean? I was once overcome with nausea

and had to disappear 15 minutes. That's just once I went to work and I didn't feel well. What's that got to do with M&S? Because you were talking about the poor quality of the employees. Well, I think that's, no, but I'm saying, I think that's, I think it's justified. I think if you don't feel well, I think you were well within your rights to nip off to the toilet for 15 minutes, is my point. She was still there when I came back. Oh, God.

Oh, you didn't tell he didn't feel well. Did you just say? No, I just said, excuse me. Oh, I see. Oh, no. Now I understand. Left for a quarter of an hour. Oh my God.

She waited. This poor woman is about to go pick up a grand kid from school and she was like in a rush and you've left her where they're waiting and able to leave. I'll just be in a minute. I don't have experience with wait shows. But M&S, I will tell you the people who shop in there are more often than not. Some of the most entitled people I have ever met. Someone at a service station once asked me to carry their shopping to their car. Wow.

Wow. And I was like, no. What are you talking about? Some posh old lady What? What? No Do you know what this is? It's a service station Do you know where you are?

I'm going to go M&S Because I don't know It is very old people-e It's very posh But Did you go adverts? Yeah, exactly Very sexy adverts

And a class A class beer selection So I'm going to go MNS I'm going to stick up for it But it's up to you Ben I've said waitress Oh you said waitress Okay

We're going waitress There we go Sorry MNS Asda versus Sainsbury I think Sainsbury's Yeah that was a nice gut reaction there I mean that's obvious Yeah

Asda get out Sorry it's a surprise You've even made it this far See you later You were lucky to be up against Iceland You got to buy it in that Yeah Here it is the finale

This is going to be a tough one Saints breeze versus Tesco Oh do you know what I was going to say to help us decide what are their slogans. So Tesco is Every Little Alps, isn't it? Every Little Elps? Every Little El.

And Saints Breeze is... It turns out it's Live Well for Less. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's Live Well for Less. That is a really bad slogan. I don't know. I like the Tesco ones. I like Tesco adverts.

I like Tesco. Yeah, I'm okay to let Tesco win. There we go. Tesco, congratulations. You'll get your trophy in the post in a couple of weeks. Thank you for taking part in the tournament So second place is Sainsbury's and should we do playoffs for the last, for the third place?

Actually, should we do, who's the worst? Iceland. Wow, there we go. I'm, oh, I don't know, Asda. I'm going to say Asda's the worst in my opinion. I should say Asda because I voted for Iceland over Asda. But, well, you both instinctually went Iceland as the worst. So I'm going to go with that.

It smells weird in Iceland. It's just a big freezer. Yeah. What's the, It's just a giant, it's a mockery of a supermarket. It's an ice cream truck with no wheels. I went to an Iceland when I was back home in Newcastle a few months ago, and they had the biggest block of cheese I've ever seen.

It was quite impressive. Was it frozen? How long has it been? It's from the first ever dairy cow introduced to England. Some real well-aged cheese. Is that not just the cheese that all other cheese comes from? Yes, the mother cheese. It's like cells, it just divides and makes more cheese.

It reproduces it on its own. Was it meiosis, mitosis or something? Mitosis. Mytosis. Well, there we go. Thank you, boys, for playing a fight and tournament with me. Oh, thank you. Thanks for bringing that to us.

We've been talking about that for about 15, 20 minutes now. Jesus, yeah. I knew it would be quite contentious, but that was very much a panic thing because I didn't have anything to talk about. That's okay. Sorry to the Americans who have no idea what the hell we've just been talking about for 20 minutes. Oh, they'll be all right. As does like Walmart.

There we go. You're sitting comfortably. Oh, I'm just coughing. my lungs right now but i'm very comfortable you don't sound very comfortable mike oh i don't worry i'm sinking into a deep state of comfort right now so give me a minute you went a little bit west country you've been down there too long oh dear oh i was oh no i don't i don't i don't the accent i don't want to adopt by paul paul paul paul just poked his head through the window oh paul oh he can he be the new dave oh he could be yeah canadian i spoke to dave earlier did you secret dave news

Dave's going to be back in Bristol for the jingle jam. Oh, my God. So we need to try and coincide those dates for sure. Absolutely. Make that happen. I check in with Dave every so often just to make sure he's still alive because, you know, he's like a lemming. In what way?

Like a drink carrying lemming. Well, he would just walk off a cliff if you don't tell him not to. That was actually, that's an urban myth that has been exacerbated by, I think, Walt Disney. Actually, I think Frankenstein was the day. doctor. Did you notice how when I said Walt Disney,

the one bit of that that I was unsure about, I suddenly came out of the nasal voice. I think you'll find that that's an urban myth that has been passed into popular culture by, I think Walt Disney. I think Walt Disney.

Can't act through that. No. Lie to the people in that voice. Absolutely not. The bank of Wikipedia nerds behind you all frantically tapping away. Yeah, you can only use that voice if you know for sure.

You've got to know. What you're talking about. Before we get started, speaking about being comfortable, can we just go round and just say what kind of chair we're sitting on? Because I'm on an office chair. I'm assuming you guys are the same. Yeah. I'm not.

Whoa. Oh. Interesting. Wow. It's upholstered. It's sort of, it's got a big stain on it from the last person who lived here. I don't know what. I'm hoping it's just a cup of tea, but it might be a big old bumping.

Oh. I'd never trust to hand me down office, well, any kind of chair like that. Especially if there's a visible stain on it. I didn't when I moved in and then I thought, I'm not buying another fucking chair. I'll sit on the poo chair if I have to. So here I am. What about you, Mikey? What's yours like? I'm just sat on the bog standard Yogscast office chair. It's quite nice. It's got articulation.

I'm a big fidgetter, so I like being able to pivot and bounce around. That's why four-legged chairs don't do it for me when I'm. computing around the internet. No, I do wish I had an office chair, but yeah, I'm just too cheap, I suppose. Cheap boy. What are you sitting on, Ben? My office chair is very cheap.

Well, it's a very old one. I've had it for about 10 years now. It came to university with me, and it's just this very cheap faux leather seat. It's one of those ones that reclines when you don't want it to, and it makes you scared, and it's got the little handle on the side

where you push it in, and it's not meant, it's meant to lock it in place so it doesn't recline. And then you sort of lean back on it and it goes, clunk! And you, and you defecate all over the chair. Oh, was it you? And then when you move out, you'd leave it to Peter Austin. Oh, God. Wow. Mystery solved.

Peter, I hope, dear, I couldn't hear. Because... Does it just literally say poo stool? Sorry, can I have that one more time? Yeah, one more time. Sorry, I think we all know what the best bit of that sentence is. Let's have that again. Peter, I hope you feel my poo stool.

You're very gross. I don't know. It's just, Peter, I hope, I hope you enjoy my poo chair. You are very tall. Hope, hope, was that? Yeah, there's two hopes. No wonder that. She gets it wrong sometimes.

Yeah. I love how soft the poo stool. I love how soft the poo is. on that. Mine pooh-stool. So Peter's got my poo stool because this one won't recline properly.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. I've got one more actual bit of documentary dialogue here from the event. Oh yeah? You're ready to hear it? So that was...

Wait, hang on, what was that? Let me play it for you again in German. Hang on. I know that I've put a word in here that it does not know, so let me... Oh. Oh, she's slow. ...pheed this crankin trick

and my crumple. Plumps. Do you want to hear it in English? Something about break... I've broken some... I think she said... Or I'm ill. I don't know.

I heard crankan. Yeah, pretty much. Here we go. You ready? Oh. Cousin Pete this sick trick, my dude. Thud. Thud.

Thick trick. Crankin. Crank and trick. trick my dude thud that happened that's real thud is that what it

translated to plumps plumps yeah yeah did I don't know why Michael's gone with plumps that's it I kind of acknowledge plumps in the moment I was like oh that's quite funny

and just I don't know hearing the discussion of the word plumps and thud plumps they don't say thud in Germany even though it's an onomatopoeia they say plumps I guess maybe they're a bit

fatter over there, so that's a sound they make when they fall that famous line from the beginning of Winnie the Pooh when he's coming down the stairs and it's thud, thud, thud, thud but it's just plumps, plumps, plumps. It's not giving me plumps this time. Maybe because it's context sensitive.

Oh, it's giving me... Oh, this is way better. Okay, so here's what I've written in English. Here comes Winnie the Pooh, thud, thud and thud. Oh, thank thud and thad. Are you ready for it in German? Yeah, please. Here comes Vinnie the Poohslaq, schlach, schlach, schlach. Shlach, slag.

Arguably an improvement on plums. I've got a thing. I've got a quick thing, which will sort of balance out the fact that we've been on these first two questions for a long old time. It's just a news article that I saw reported. It was actually a while ago, but I've been meaning to bring it to the to the podcast really just for the way it's been written you know a little bit like last time we did the podcast i um read those wikipedia that wikipedia article about your mum jokes and it's it's when people try to write things formally even though they're really silly right and uh this is um a sensational

storyline from metro.co.org that's not storyline just story um that has been written in very much a journalistic way, even though it's just a silly thing that happened. Okay. Mom shocked. Sorry, I've just re-read this deadline and it's really good. Okay. I hope I can get through this. Mom shocked as meat face turns up inside 91 P-pack of Aldi sausages. Meat face? Meat face. Mom shocked as meat face turns up in 91 P-pack of Aldi sausages. Is Meatface a Scooby-Doo villain? Oh, God, it could be. Yeah.

Aren't we all meat faces, really? True. Yeah, every face is a meat face. Well, you're not. You're a vegan face. Oh, yeah, I've got carrot face. You've got broccoli face. Oh, no.

So maybe I should send you the image first. So, well, let me just send this to you. We'll try and remember to put this in the link done. But if not, just search for Mum shocked as she finds meat face. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We haven't done a link dump for ages just so people. People can Google it themselves.

What the fuck is that? So now that you've seen the photo, this should be just... So, someone has done that deliberately at the factory, basically. Yeah. It looks like a portrait of the daughter at the front. It does, actually, yeah. And now that you know that someone has done that at the factory

and just had a bit of a silly joke, and, you know, let's all just calm down because someone's being silly. Let's see what you think of... the way they've written up this article. Okay. A mum says she is worried about quality control after finding a sausage meat face

inside a 91 p-pack of Aldi Bangers. Peter, sorry. Yeah. Before you continue, I feel like we could do more to describe the meat face. Because the lack of context is... It upsets me that people might have no earthly idea. Because this is a pack of sausages, right?

It's just meant to be sausages? Yeah. I'm really confused. about how what is it so it's a really flat circular patty about the size of someone's face and then it's got two smaller circles sort of fried egg looking yeah yeah with even smaller circles on top and then what looks the most like a sausage curved into a smile yeah and i don't know how they've done this with just sausages and there's no nose i don't think it's necessarily just sausage i think it's done with sausage meat i think they've sort of molded it it's just so

white, it's got no colour. I mean, those look like cheap sausages, but honestly, I wouldn't be mad at opening up my package. I'd cook it up for breakfast. I'd be absolutely thrilled. They don't put toys in cereal anymore, but if I can get a fucking sausage face,

sorry, meat face. The best thing is, look at the packaging that it's coming. So it looks like more of a... A ready meal. Well, yeah, but it's like a loose package. It's not like in a box. It's in almost like a jiffy bag. So how did she not feel

that there was one enormous slab of sausage meat in there rather than, you know, lots of different sausages. She looks like a Kerry. I think she said, Kerry, it's my time. It's my time to shine. We're going to get on the local news. Just going through the entire supermarket, like blind bags, trying to feel out the sausage faces. There's a second photo that's almost identical, but just slightly different poses from everyone involved. It's time for Kerry's meat face. Wow. That's great. Her name is Fran Let me tell you all about her

Oh, okay, that's disappointing Okay Oh, is that the Midfacer's name? Yeah, yes. Fran Webster, 28, Meatface, said, Someone clearly got bored on their shift and decided to form a different shape

out of the sausage meat. Aldi has apologised saying it's working with its sausage supplier to try and piece together what had happened. Fran said, I'd like to give the person who did it a high five,

it's amazing, but it does make you worry about eating sausages that were in the packet. I mean, that packaging... Yeah, that's the least of your worries. It looks like it might say 26 sausages. Holy shit.

For 91 pence. Does that look about right, Peter? Oh, it says actually how many sausages are in here. Oh, does it? She had taken the pack out of the freezer, thinking she would find 20 ordinary sausages inside. To make a casserole. What quality were you expecting?

She wanted to make his casserole. She could have just put the face in it and covered it. In a packet of 20, we got only 12 sausages and then this massive face came out, she said. I mean, at least there were sausages in there, is that something? Yeah, Fran could feel an unusual lump in the blue and white pack. She said, I thought, what the hell is that? When I turned it over, I saw it was a face.

Luckily, my mate was there as well. I don't know why that's fortunate. Luckily, because it could have. got me. Yeah. The face was around an inch thick and rough an inch thick and no it's not. Look at it. And roughly the same size

as a CD. Fran added No it's not. It's massive. Fran added I wrapped it back up in tinfoil and put it back in my freezer. Because it might be evidence. This gets better and better. I forgot how good this was.

It's just like a beloved dead pet. Oh, let's put it in the freezer. The kids wanted to eat it. But that was a bit concerned about the fact that workers have been able to do that. That's worrying.

I'm really upset. There's no pictures of it like cooked. Oh, she should have cooked it for sure. The 12 sausages went straight in the bin. Luckily, she had a spare pack for the casserole. Yes, yes, Fran. And Fran said the. face discovery has not diminished her love

for Aldi. The supermarket said it was investigating how the item came to be sold. An Aldi spokeswoman last night said, we apologize to Ms. Webster and have offered a refund on this product. We are currently speaking to our supplier to understand how this could have happened.

For God's sake, if Aldi do not stock a sausage meat face soon, they will have missed a trick. I would give up veganism for that. Yeah. Absolutely. I love the fact that Fran has 40 sausages in a freezer at all times.

You never know when you need a casserole, right? You could have potato smiley faces with a sausage smiley face. You could have just an entire plate full of faces for dinner. Jesus Christ, that was the best thing I've ever heard. Oh my God, the caption to the image that I've sent you is just, that's not a sausage.

Amazing. Anyway, that's my thing. Meat face. Amazing. Thank you, Peter. You're welcome. Thank you very much. Incredible.

Oh, me head. I just googled the death of Osama bin Laden in case he was like, you remember how he was dropped off in the sea? Yeah. So I was hoping that was in November, but no, that was in the second of May. So I propose water works happened on the second of May every year. Okay. I thought that was colloquially described as the big plop.

Oh, no. Was it? I might be wrong. What was it, the 2nd of May? Second of May. Every May the 2nd is the Big Plop Day. I thought that's just sort of once a month when you order Dominoes. No, I order Dominoes more regularly than that.

Well, we've sorted that. We've sorted fireworks. I think we had a very grown-up discussion about it. Yeah. Yeah. Bellmont. We did. We had a grown-up discussion, and we ended with,

with that. So I'm happy. I think we should move on to her thing. Yeah, I agree. I'm happy to do my thing. I want to talk about some famous animals for a bit. Okay. All right. I'm ready. The first one, as I think one of my favorite animals to ever exist in the history of everything. He's actually a resident fixture of the podcast. We talked about him in episode seven of Pottietz, but I think it's time we expanded his story. Oh, is it the headless chicken? It's Uncle Fatty. Oh, Uncle Fatty. So for those who don't remember, Uncle Fatty is...

Uncle Fatty is a wild macaque from Thailand, and he wears three times the average for his species. Oh, wow. To quote the BBC website, the Orbeast monkey was the head of a complex snack hustle. Those are the three best words you'll ever read on the BBC website, Complex Snack Hustle. He leads a pack of minions

who help keep him supplied with snacks and soft drinks discarded by tourists But also he'd redistribute these items to the younger monkeys So kind of like Robin Hood What a good guy So due to the monkey's size The locals dubbed him Uncle Fatty And pictures of him were spread around social media

A few years ago Unfortunately this alerted local wildlife officials To his whereabouts Oh no Oh no the internet dubbed him in Yeah, well, they decided to go ahead and fat shame him. They decided it was time Uncle Fatty went on a diet. No.

I'm going to Google. I want to remind myself how fat he is. It's just beautiful. Yeah, I will. Oh, my Christ. He's just a tumour with a head on. That's what he looks like. Oh, my God.

I still call Uncle Fatia tumor. Look at him, though. Hang on. Hang on. All I'm seeing is meat face, currently. I know, yeah. I mean, that is one of the fatty is. It's no different, really.

I'm ready. Oh, it's loading. Oh, my. Oh, look at that ploppy boy. Absolute unit. What a round lad. He looks like Jabba the Hut. He's not got any legs.

That's a fat macaque. So wildlife officials set out to find and capture Uncle Faddy. But they said it was not easy to catch him. What? Why? Too fast. This is just a good detail here. Oh, stop posting pictures of Uncle Faddy.

Look how red his tummy is. It's all distended. It's really sore. So it was difficult to catch him because. he was the leader of his pack and when I tried to go in I had to fight off a flock of them with sticks

Oh Oh god It got violent But with him captured Uncle Fatty was shipped off to Fat Camp where he was fed a healthy and more steady dye

of fruits, vegetables and lean protein This makes me so sad What does he look like now Have we got before and after? Do we have a montage? Do we have a montage? Oh the Uncle Fatty workout montage

And he'll do a workout tape soon I'll do some Google and Googling for you now see if he's an after Yeah, I want to know if he walked along the razor's edge I've got some stats here I think you mean fats Oh, Uncle Fats Camp

Fat Camp went well He lost 8% of his body mass And his tummy no longer dragged along the ground Oh However, news broke the other week And the headline reads No Chunky monkey that became an internet star

Due to its enormous belly Michael please Is feared dead No After disappearing from animal fat camp in Thailand Oh no, they broke him now Da-da-da-da-da-da Fear dead or missing

So yeah, there's been no sightings of Uncle Fatty for four months God You know what that means to me? What does that mean? Is that he so trim that he fits right in with the other monkeys? Oh my God, he became one of them. After his disappearance,

locals asked police to check CCTV footage from areas he was known to roaming but there was no sign. Officials fear he is dead. Prior to his disappearance, he had lost his appetite, sparking fears that he isolated himself to prepare for his death.

Oh, no, I thought you were going to say prior to his disappearance he'd posted something on Twitter or something like that. Vacation time. So please, this is a plea. If you've seen or heard anything about the whereabouts of Uncle Fatti,

please get in touch. This is a vital importance. Is there a helpline? Make sure you tweet us. Make sure you tweet us at video. it's official. I'll give out my personal phone number in the description of the video to call me and tell me anything you know. Corey Tucker, at it's Corey Tucker, asked, what do you guys think of the one-off nudist

special of Jungle Run, Naked Jungle, that was hosted by Keith Chegwin? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So I thought that was supposed to be just a funny question. So I've brought a fifth question, like a real question later, for later on. But I then googled this and it's a real thing and I want to read it to you pray tell so before we get into that do you fellas you're aware of jungle run right you know what that's about absolutely who used to host jungle run um god someone really familiar a guy called i think he was called mike michael or something i think there may have been a couple of different hosts but um hang on let's see jungle run

sort of a crystal maze kind of thing right yeah uh presented by oh dominic wood used to present it Holy shit Right That's why I thought there was someone I knew But that's interesting Because he's BBC

Sorry I've just read I googled it myself And under the episodes tab Season 3 Episode 1 The Coronation Street Special Oh God

Right so Jungle Run for those of you don't know Across the Atlantic or into Europe was a children's TV show that was essentially

I think maybe four kids, three or four kids would go on and there would be this what seems in my memory like an enormous series of like sets and stages that were like really well dressed they were probably a lot smaller if you went back and watched it but they were jungle themed there were two like chimps or like gorillas in costumes

and they just sort of run from one physical challenge to the next in different areas somewhere like water-based and you know. It did look good. It was like a really well-designed show. And it was basically like, you're right, Ben. It was like Crystal Maze because they would earn like Ruby monkeys or something. And then so many monkeys at the end would give them a certain amount of time in the final challenge or something like that. So that's Jungle Run. Naked Jungle is a real thing. I've got the Wikipedia page right here. Naked Jungle was a one-off television game show produced for the UK Terrestrial TV

Channel 5 by Yorkshire Television. The old 50P game TV. It aired on the 6th of June 2000. A game show with an assault course format based on and using the same set as the children's show Jungle Run. It was controversial because its contestants were nudists. Right. The programme's... The nudist juices all over this lovely children's set.

Oh no, and then the kids came in the following week. After all these old naked people had been there. there. The programme's presenter, Keith Chegwin, was also naked except for a hat. Oh, I'm sorry, well, that's not really naked then, is it? You need a hat, that's fine. Well, yeah, you can leave your hat on. It was part of a special season of programs on the channel to mark the 50th anniversary of British naturism. What? Yes. A video, I guess a VHS of Naked Jungle, was released by Universal Home Entertainment in late 2000. It was rated 15 by the BBFC.

And this has got naked boys running around in it. Wow. Yeah, absolutely. Did they have their Wilson's cropped off? Or was it blurred or something? No. No, I don't think it was. I'll tell you about the format of the show,

but as far as I can tell, there was no censoring of that. Oh my God. It's literal porn. Yeah, basically. So the program was made basically in the same format as Jungle Run. Ten competitors were five natures couples who were separated into men and women with a single winner from each gender.

The winner of the men and of the women then competed... That's a really weirded... Weirdly worded sentence. The winner of the men and of the women then competed in a final... In a final, inside the temple of the body. Oh, right.

To win a potential prize of £5,000. Is it worth it? Is it worth getting naked on TV for that? Well, yeah, I don't know. I guess, I mean, these are actual naturists, so they probably don't mind. That's true, actually, yeah. It says,

while in Jungle Run, the competitors collected bananas and later monkey statues. In Naked Jungle, the objective was to obtain fig leaves, a biblical cover for genitalia. Surprisingly, well, it attracted 2 million viewers, apparently, which was a record. I mean, I'd tune into that. It was a record for Channel 5 at the time. And it was 20% of the entire TV audience share in its time slot. Wow. That's how you get the people is Naked.

Chegwin. I mean, it says, like, since its debut in 1997, Channel 5 has always aimed to attract 5% of the total audience share. So they did really well off naked jungle. Sure did. Or maybe just did well off naked Cheggers. I don't know. Was Cheggers also naked? He was. He just had a hat on. Oh, is that sorry, I didn't hear that bit. Yeah. God. Dick bin Cheggers. I don't know if I want that. And we've got some audience feedback here. Channel 5 stated that it had received 50 phone calls relating to the program. No. Evenly split between appreciation and criticism.

Wow. Including a woman who said that the program was responsible for curing her postnatal depression. Wow. Just laughing at that Chegwin Wang. Yeah. The Independent Television Commission, ITC, declared that it had only received one complaint about the show. This was from a viewer complaining that he could do without Keith Chegwin prancing around. The naked Keith Chegwin.

was a bit too much for me. An ITC spokesman said there was no guideline against Keith Chegwin being on television. Didn't break any rules. No, unfortunately not. Late night nudity

in a non-sexual context and in a program that is well signposted may not be in breach of the program codes. So apparently that's fine. If you just tell people... I guess they do it now, don't they? There's a couple of shows that are made these days.

where people just get actually naked on telly. Oh, yeah. Naked attraction, isn't it? Yeah, it's really strange, where the people, they're just all naked, and they look at each other's bits and decide who they... Is that a show where they go into the room, the couples, and they just have sex in a cube?

Yeah, sex box. They just have sex in a cube while experts chat outside, and then they come back out when they're done. Like, wow, how was that? And they have a frank discussion in front of an audience after having sex in a box. Yeah. That sounds magic.

Really weird. Speaking of sex boxes, can I send over some screenshots? I'm sorry for everyone at home of Naked Keith Chagwin. How, why not? How much knob is there in there? There's thankfully no knob. Oh my God. Jesus Christ.

Oh, no, Keith. I mean, he's covered up, isn't he? Like, he's not... Yeah, like his bits aren't flagrantly whipping around, but... There's no full frontal going on. Well, I have confirmation here. From the article, the show did have full frontal nudity. Oh, wow.

I just said nudacy. The show's full frontal nudity and display of genitalia caused a furoror in the Daily Mail. Of course. Yeah, they were livid, which described the show as having plumbed, plummed new depths of indecency on television. Wow. Never heard, okay. It plumbed new depths.

It's quite strange. You have plums on their mind. Yeah. The naturist gloss assured us A, that no one will mention blow jobs And that B, the women will have droopy breasts Wow Good

It's just a strange remark It's quite specific really That those two things were Yeah, that's very odd And Chegwin said that Naked Jungle was the worst career move He's made in his entire life Wow, really? That would really though, Keith And if he could turn the clock back, he would

He said that due to the program's time slot of 11pm, he believed it would not have gained so much publicity. Oh, Keith, you should have known better. So that's Chegg's. Cheggers was actually naked on the telly with a bunch of other people in the children's jungle run set. Oh, God. What an age we live in, my God.

Can you tell the story of how you got Dave Benson Phillips to appear in your last video? I bet it was super straightforward and not literally as complicated and weird as you would imagine getting Dave Benson Phillips to appear. here in your last video would be I am so glad we're finally getting to tell the story who wants to lead the charge on this

well you sent him the email didn't you Ben or you sent the email to his agent this was I'll quickly say this before you carry on his website has a contact me page or a contact me button and I believe it's meant to automatically open your email client

software on your computer and auto-fill his email address. But it doesn't work because it's Dave Benson-Philip's website. So, of course, it doesn't work. But hovering over the link, you know, Google Chrome gives you a preview of the link in the bottom left-hand corner, like the full hyperlink. So I was able to see what his email address was from that. So by doing a little bit of sleuthing, because his website doesn't work properly, I was able to reach out and make contact with DBP. Is this the only reason he's not getting any of?

work is because the... I think so. I think so. Come on Dave. So there are people queuing up desperately trying to get hold of him but he just the BBC has been trying to email him for years. Yeah. Well, I believe you got into, I mean I think this, the reason I asked you is because I think you should tell this part of the story and then I'll talk about trying to handle the actual file because there were a number of issues with that as well.

Oh God. Okay. I'll keep it brief then. It costs 50 It was forwarded over to Dave's agent. It was very nice. Never actually dealt directly with David himself. So that's where I think David's... Dave's agent is just Dave Benson-Philip's alternate email address. It all goes back to the same person. It's just an alter ego.

So in fact, you were talking to Dave all along. I would not be surprised. I'd like to have dealt with him directly. I used to watch him, you know, as a child like we all did. yeah be amazing to him anyway he put he fucking pawned me off to his to his uh to his uh to his agent uh asked sort of what exactly would like him to do because in the original email i said hey uh we we have a youtube channel we're we're making this big video and we'd love you to be a part of it you know just a short little video clip with a short script and they said yeah send over the

script it'll probably cost about 50 quid and i was like okay that's incredibly reasonable and I wrote out this script very specifically and I gave him the exact lines I wanted him to deliver I even gave stage directions including like things that I thought maybe he would be able to relate to

and understand like pantow villain laugh and he didn't do any of it at all that cost extra some of the words but not he read yeah he sort of followed the script and realized there were bits that he should have read shouldn't have read. There was a bit in there at the end. The serious bit that we wanted to go in

the video was the first part. And then I also, again, in the stage directions, I said, okay, now you can say this bit normally. And it was, hey, Mikey, Peter and Penn, just want to say congrats on the year of doing videos, blah, blah, blah. And I thought, okay, maybe we could use that for the podcast when we come back or put that out in another video because it was kind of weird that he would just change gears from from being this like pantow villain to suddenly saying this nice message so i thought we could clip it out but no he just read the whole thing kind of in one go in the same voice and peter had a lot of fun yeah with the video next so um i was editing that last episode of worst games ever where we fell through the portal and uh as we're tumbling down the sort of time tunnel or

whatever it was, Dave Benson Phillips appears behind us to reveal that it was him all along who was doing the portal goblin ransom notes and so on. Number one, his green screen was so brightly, I mean, it wasn't a green screen. I think it was a wall. It was just a wall. It was just a wall. But it was slightly green, but mostly grey white. And trying to key it out was nearly impossible. So if I did that, basically his eyes and teeth would disappear because anything vaguely sort of brightly colored would just go. A bit adequate for the portal goblin though. Well, true.

Yeah. So, I mean, the reason that the sort of video of him behind us in that sort of epilogue is so noisy and staticy is because that's all I could do to hide the terrible keying out job that I'd done. So I deliberately had to make it. like a fuzzy thing. It was actually much better quality than that. The other thing was that when he says,

ah ha ha, yes, it was me all along Dave Benson Phillips, beloved TV presenter, burned into his own video that he sent us, it said along the bottom as a lower third, Idris Elba. And we didn't get a chance to, you know, we didn't ask for that. I think he puts that on every video that he makes

because he thinks it's a joke, like a funny joke. But given the context of what we wanted to use the clip in, it doesn't make sense for it to say Idris Elver on the Portal Goblins TV transmission. Don't know why you're complaining. He threw in a free extra, we should be blessing them out. He threw in... Those are production values right there. Yeah, well, he threw in several extras. The pile of DVDs in the corner that needed cropping out. That's my favorite bit. It's just the fact it's is Dave Benson Phillips' spare room with Sad Warehouse.

Yeah, just up a wall that was never meant to be used for video, just happened to be a bit green. sits in front of it. And the ultimate extra that he threw him was right at the end. We did not ask him to say, good luck with what's going on in the future, just leave me out of it. So it kind of implies that he's very much aware of what we do. And, you know, he was willing to sell his soul for 50 quid, but does not want to be remotely involved in any future content.

So here we are talking about him in the first episode of the podcast. Yeah, well, he shouldn't have done it, should he, quite frankly. It's his fault. I remember what? walking into the office, I think the day after Ben got sent that. And Ben just messaged me like, hey, the Dave Benson videos through, it's really weird. And I got worried. And like, just hearing him say that last sentence was genuinely bone chilling.

It's like, oh, God, what have he done to this man? Just leave me out of it. All right. And he sort of gave a knowing look and we're like, oh, God. And then there's a bit of a long pause. And then he realizes, oh, wait, I'm not done yet. And he goes, 150 points. Yeah.

Yeah, that was it. Because I thought, again, I thought, might as well... Just like he said on the program. Yeah, exactly. ...to say that, and we can use that in something else as well. But no, he just delivered it all in one really weird monologue. Like the Panto villain bit at the start, that was meant to be the laugh. I wanted him to go, ah, ha, ha, yes, it was me.

But he just went, ha, yes, it was me, Dave Benson Phillips, beloved. And he just, he didn't quite read all the words properly. And then he sort of said, leave me. out of it and called himself He sort of goes, he goes Ha ha ha ha ha I think we find out recently that he had foot and mouth

Oh god, is he a cow? Did we tell you about this, Mikey? Are you aware of this? I genuinely had no idea about this Is he infected with the foot and mouth? So what video was it, Ben? How did we find it? Did someone link it to us?

Someone sent it, someone tweeted us it and I didn't really watch it too much. He was part of a compilation of talking heads about some kind of theater production and didn't have a lot of views on the video, but he talked sort of a great length about personal issues that he'd faced. Oh, God, dear.

There was more than hand, foot and mouth. So, yeah, it was a compilation of talking heads. I think it was someone had basically, everyone they worked with over a period of a year, they spoke to them for, like, half an hour while they were at whatever workplace they were at, because there were various different kinds of, like, there were video editors and, like, camera ops and vloggers

and Dave Benson Phillips. Like it was just a weird selection of people And his own category defies Categoration Yeah So I think they just did it with anyone Who was there that day basically Wherever this was

And the question was What were you doing last year Or what position were you in last year And this vlogger is saying Like Oh you know Like in the last 12 months I've given up my job

And I'm doing YouTube full time Dave Benson Phillips goes This time last year I actually had hand foot and mouth And the guy back the camera just laughs and you can hear him on the microphone saying what do you mean you had hand foot and mouth he said like you know he does a lot of work with children like children's parties and stuff and he reckons that's probably where he picked it up what the fuck and you saw

that bit then but I carried on watching and Dave Benson came back because they were cutting to and fro from various talking heads and he goes on to say so yeah last year I had hand foot a mouth. Then eventually I lost the use of my legs or lost the use of one of my legs or something. Oh my God, Dave, you're right. And, I mean, I laugh. The only reason I allowed myself to sort of chuckle there is because it's a kind of shocked laughter and he's okay now.

So, you know, I don't feel too bad about it. But, I mean, he was delivering it with a bit of a smirk as well because he knows how bizarre it sounds. But apparently it was, he got like diagnosed with diabetes and that affected. if it affected his circulation or like the nerves in his legs or something. Anyway, he now has the use of his legs back, but he says he used to drink like loads of slush puppies and stuff. Is his website now Dave does things for insulin? Oh God, God. Sorry, Dave. Oh, that would be sad. Just leave me out of it.

Just leave me out of it. We're talking about his health issues now. Well, Dave, it's his fault. Yeah, we do love you, but God. No, we wish him the best. And I think he saw the, if not the, if not the, funny side, the sort of shocking side to his medical mishaps over the past 12 months. Yeah, crazy. Poor boy. But yeah, that's the basic story there with our adventure with Dave Benson Phillips. It was quite the time.

What a tale. We'll do what we can from now on to leave him out of it. Yeah, we'll probably get more questions about him. Yeah. Discuss him again. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if his fan account that's definitely not run by him He tweets us again, saying, whoa, I think he's a bit unfair.

He's a lovely block. He's trying his best. 150 likes. I've got an uncle, he's my great uncle, actually, who he's basically like a chuckle brother in that he has had so many jobs. He's like a new job every day. Like Dan the van sorts him out with the new job kind of thing each morning.

He's worked in, like, a diamond mine. He's been a songwriter. He's been, uh, he's worked on a fishing trawler for like six months in the, just in the middle of the ocean. Um, he's been like a gardener and a painter and just loads of stuff. And, uh, he spent some time in South Africa because he travels the world a lot as well. And in South Africa, they had bee days. And he got used to using a bee day.

Oh. And this guy, I should, I hasten to add, is an idiot. And he won't mind me saying. so not that he'll ever hear this but like he's he's like a walking disaster area he's just one of those people who almost like buildings fall down when he walks past them kind of thing just everything goes wrong for him so he's like a chuckle brother is what he is literally a chuckle brother so he got used to using B-days in South Africa and then he came back I don't know if it was back to

Britain or somewhere else in Europe or like over in America but he was in a non B-day country and he was in this toilet somewhere and he'd been for a shit and then decided oh, there's no B-Day in this country

so what he did was he took his trousers down and sat in the sink, right? Oh God. And turned the taps on. Unfortunately, the sink then came off the wall and all the water just started spraying out.

He's got his pooey bum and he's like, oh, jeez. So he had a wet pooey bum and then had to, you know, go and find someone to say, hello, the sinks come off the wall because I sat on it. You're going to have to turn the stock cock because there's water spraying. God, that's actually kind of terrifying because the mid, like, is it, what's it, sinks are made from ceramic or something?

No. Yeah. Whatever it's made from, when it shatters, it becomes, like, incredibly sharp. Oh, yeah, porcelain. Porcelain, yeah. Yeah, it's, it is, like, dangerous to go anywhere near that stuff. So he got off pretty lucky there. A bit of embarrassment.

I just Googled how to use a bidet, and I'm looking at the WikiHau article. Oh, not the WikiHau. Has it got weird illustrations? Oh, you know, it does. It's not that weird. The weirdest bit for me was going down to the community questions and answers section and seeing a question, can I use my bidet to bathe my baby?

Oh, my God. No. No, don't. Abigail replies, absolutely not. Besides bideters are riddled with germs and bacteria. do not bathe the baby in a toilet. Advice for life, no. Don't do that.

God. Apparently a lot of bidets have, well, some have little dryers built into them, so maybe that makes it more appetising. Yeah, I'd be slightly more interested in that, yeah, if that was the case. But still, I didn't really get it. I need someone to show me how to use it.

Because do you have to, yeah, I mean, yeah, I need to know how to use it, but do you have to, like, sort of scrub with your hands? Oh, God. I hope not I don't know if just it might it would have to be like

a fairly strong jet for you you know to be confidently clean like you know but then like if it's too strong that's just gonna cause

mayhem oh you fill it do you I thought it just sprayed you I'm looking at these pictures yeah see I thought it's sprayed as well

that's maybe why I've never been able to work out is that do you just dump dunk your bum in it oh imagine the water that's just a shitty bar Wait, okay, I'm going to quickly look at a video.

I'll skim through it. God. Because some of the illustrations I've seen show it as a jet that sprays directly into your bot bot. Yeah. And then some just sort of like hover near the tap. And it's like, well, how am I going to get the tap to spray at the angle I need it to?

And then some of them are fill a shit bath. I don't know which one is which, but none of it sounds massively convenient because you're basically having to hover. You can't actually sit down. Yeah. I agree that. When you think about it, toilet paper seems archaic in some ways.

And it hurts as well if you do it wrong. Yeah? But it's like, you know, what are the alternatives? I mean, wet wipes, if we could all just wet wipe from now until forever, that would be great. But I don't think that's very economical. No. That's how we made the fatberg as well. Oh, no.

Yeah. Yeah. God. Okay, so it looks like it is like a jet that goes up. That's just a weird illustration. Okay. Well, my grandparents' one just has a tap, so I don't really know how that works. Some of them have a jet

And some of them You do have to do a poo bath Oh I don't like the idea of a poo bath You do a little wiggle And you're all clean, I guess No, no, you're not You've now got pooey water

On the underside of your legs You just spread the poo around your bot-bop-bop Oh my God What on earth is that? That's from a BuzzFeed article I just sent a picture From the article titled I cleaned my ass with a bidet

And this is what happened So Google that and you'll find the picture We were also horrified to see Face went onto their ass Is that what's happening? It looks like it, doesn't it? And why is it brown down there? Don't like it.

Oh, God. Okay, I'm just going to move on. Thank you very much, everybody, for the questions and thank you for the things. That's it. Just keep typing. I don't want to see it. I can't type anymore.

Keep going. You've been banned for spam. Where it is, it's gone now. We all just had to type to push it up the chat. We didn't want to see it anymore. Right, well, gents, I think we're done. We're done here? Oh, we're done.

Very much so. We're done. Excellent. Right. Well, thank you for listening, everybody. We'll see you soon. Bye. Kevin.

Kevin, run the thing. Kevin. Kevin, Kevin. Play the one. Wake up. Kevin. It's happening. It's happening.

It's happening. Oh, bye. Bye. Bye.