Pursuit of Wellness - Girl Chat: Are We Parting Ways? Mari & Fi On New Paths, Fresh Starts and Big Changes

Episode Date: November 14, 2024

Ep. # 150 On today’s episode of Pursuit of Wellness, Fi and I share a big announcement. We dive into a girl chat covering everything from friendship dynamics to navigating work stress and personal growth. We discuss balancing friendships with professional life and share updates on my fertility journey, including new insights and how I'm processing it all. Fi opens up about her dating life, exploring standards, self-assurance, and what’s next career-wise. We touch on big transitions and life in our thirties, unpacking the pressure to have it all figured out and how we're embracing self-discovery. Wrapping up, we chat about the future and the importance of empathy, boundaries, and personal growth along the way. Leave Me a Message - click here! For Mari’s Instagram click here! For Pursuit of Wellness Podcast’s Instagram click here! For Mari’s Newsletter click here! For Fi’s Instagram click here! Topics Discussed 00:00:00 - Welcome back to another girl chat! 00:01:48 - Big announcement 00:04:33 - Friends vs coworkers 00:08:48 - Navigating friend groups 00:14:51 - Personal growth 00:19:16 - Mari’s fertility updates 00:20:15 - Fi’s dating life 00:31:33 - Self discovery and communication 00:34:32 - Transitions and standards 00:39:50 - Geritol and fertility chat 00:45:03 - Bitch sesh 00:46:26 - Fi on tour Sponsored By:  To join Function Health, go to functionhealth.com/pow and use code POW100 to skip the waitlist. Available up to 1,000 listeners. Unlock your brain’s full potential FREE for 30 days by going to brain.fm/POW Wildgrain is offering our listeners $30 off the first box - PLUS a free item in every box - when you go to Wildgrain.com/POW So, if you want to stay on track with your health this holiday season, go to lumen.me/POW to get 15% off your Lumen. That is lumen.me/POW for 15% off your purchase. Lumen makes a great gift, too!. 

This is the Pursuit of Wellness podcast and I'm your host, Mari Llewellyn. Guys, welcome back to the Pursuit of Wellness. I'm sat here with Fee. Hello. We have a Girl Trap episode today and we also have kind of a big announcement slash a piece of news that we haven't spoken about yet because I feel like we want to deal with it privately on our own. Oh my God, this sounds really intense. Like I have like my stomach hurts talking about it.

It's awkward to talk about. It's not awkward. It's just like a big, big change and it's real life. It's awkward to talk about. It's not awkward. It's just like a big, big change. It's real life. It's real life. And I wasn't sure if I was going to save it for the end or how we should do this, but I wanted to make sure I could have Fi with me

to talk about it. And we've gotten a lot of comments and questions about it in our DMs and people just sort of speculating, which is so annoying and mind your business type of thing. But us sharing this is like, I know you guys love, love, love my relationship with Vy as I do too. And she's a very special part of my life and a big part of the show. And I can understand why people ask questions. And I want to, yeah, we want to talk about it on here because I think you guys, it's just like, they should know.

But also if we didn't talk about it, I could see people taking it the wrong way and making their own story about it. So I'll say it and then you can add your bit. We've broken up, just kidding. We've not broken up. Just kidding. We've not broken up. We have decided to part ways professionally and obviously that is such a huge change for both of us. We've been working together three years. Three years.

Feels way longer. It feels a lot longer. You know, Fee started with me as your part-time personal assistant that has evolved into so many different things. I mean, you've been by my side for so many huge moments of my... Fuck. It's okay. So many huge moments of my career, you know, ups downs. I've seen you through ups downs. Like it's just been a freaking roller coaster and a really cool one.

We've done some sick things together. I think it got to a place and we had, Fi and I went on a walk together on Saturday and talked about this at length. And I feel like I'm so happy we did that because it just feels like we're in a Twilight Zone right now. Like it just feels so weird. But I think you phrased it in a really good way. Like when Fi started, Bloom was very much still a startup company. I was still figuring out my career.

Like it was very... Just a total different stage than where we're at now. Yeah. Which like that's fine. It was just very different. Very hands-on, very makeshift, figuring it out as we go. And, you know, Fi has always been such a positive, like, get shit done type of person, and you are that person. And it has nothing to do with, like, me not wanting to work

with Fi anymore or thinking she's not a good team member. It's not that. I think what we both just realized is, and we said this from the beginning, like our friendship is more important to both of us than our professional. Working with your best friend is hard. Like everyone I speak to who has had this experience or been a part, like it is so, so hard. I feel like you see very few situations where it ends well. Yeah.

Like I feel like almost every situation it ends horribly. Yeah. And I did not even want to come close to that. Yeah. So I feel like this is almost like a preventative measure that we both kind of started being like, maybe we should talk about it. So yeah. I like that. I like it was a preventative measure. It does about it. So yeah.

I like that. I like it was a preventative measure. It does feel preventative, yeah. And I also think like, first of all, I don't ever want Fee, I don't want you to ever feel stuck. And I started to feel like you had this big life change on a personal level. I know you have aspirations outside of this.

And I don't know, I don't want to feel responsible that I don't ever want you to feel stuck. And I want you to achieve everything that you want to achieve and do all the things you want to do. And at the end of the day, we also said this, there is just a dynamic there when you are someone's boss, technically. I could never just fully be your friend. Like, you know? And I felt the same way with you. Like, even if we were like out with our friends at a party, I was like, are you okay, Mari?

Like, I just always felt like I was just because that was such our dynamic. Like, it was a friendship, but it was also just like this... I don't know, not that you can ever truly be yourself or whatever, but when there is a professionalism to it that you have to maintain. And also I just feel like when we were together, it's like we would just talk about work because we work together so much. And it was like, it just, yeah. I feel like it started to affect the friendship aspect of it.

Yeah, and I feel a little bit like... Yeah, it didn't allow us... I think at the end of the day, you and I are supposed to be friends. Yeah. And us working together was such a privilege and really cool to experience together. But at the end of the day... That's how we got to meet. That's how we got to meet.

Exactly. But it doesn't mean that that has to be our story forever. Yeah. And I feel like, as you said, we're like handling it before. It could possibly get weird. Yeah. And I'm also in this weird place in my career where like, things are changing and shifting and you know, bloom is growing and I'm trying to get pregnant and I don't know what my life

is going to look like next year. And I had this weird feeling of like, I am in this weird position that not many people can relate to where a lot of people rely on me. Yeah, I get it. You feel like responsible for like my, you know, career. Yeah. And like if for whatever reason you decide to do X, Y and Z, how it would affect me. Yeah. Which I really appreciate that, you know, but like also at the same time, I'm very understanding and I would be like, of course.

Yeah. But it does put a weird pressure on the friendship and the work relationship. So yeah, I definitely think this was the smartest move. But it has not been easy. No, it hasn't. I will tell you guys that it has not been. No, it's hard.

It was, yeah, it's been a very emotional, like weird time. And I think we were both like trying to give each other space and not sure how to talk about it. And it took a minute. But like, I feel really good about it, especially after we spoke on Saturday. I was like, this was the right move. Yeah. Because I even already feel like I can be so much more real with you Because I even already feel like I can be so much more real with you and not feel like the stress of work has to carry into my relationship with you.

I think that was the biggest thing. Things have just gotten so much more serious at work. Yeah, like a whole different dynamic. Then literally, guys, I was looking back, we were talking about like an old TikTok. Mari had posted like her old Halloween costume the other week. And I was like, oh my God, remember that TikTok we made? And I scrolled down to her TikTok and you guys, like the amount of free time we had, we're doing Trader Joe's fall, like review, like pumpkin cream cheese. I was like, if only like now we could look back, like we literally

were like, let's like make recipes and film funny TikToks. And like we literally spent one day like for three hours filming this like long TikTok across Mari's house. And I'm like, in my world, now I'm like Mari's in like board meetings and recording and like flying to freaking, where were you the other day? I don't know, Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City. And yeah, I was like St. Louis. She's like, I'm not in St. Louis.

I was like, oh, right. I was like the other S-L thing one. But like it's like that. It's crazy how it changes. And I will be so honest. When we moved here and trying to kind of navigate our friendship groups and stuff, it was a little weird. And Mari's met a great group of girls here who like, I think they're all so lovely and great, but like, I'd be lying if I said like, when we all would hang out and like, I would see them and like, them have their like, friendship relationship with Mari.

And like, it was strictly friendship. Like, that I wasn't in a way, I don't want to say like, jealous, but like, I wasn't like, oh, like that seems kind of nice. Like, I would love to be Mari's best friend. And like, not that I'm trying to say it's not fun being working with you. Like we've done it for three years and I've enjoyed every minute of it. But like, it's just different. It's just a different dynamic.

It really is. And like, and like you said, it's like getting very serious now. And like there's a lot kind of at stake and like a lot happening. And so it's just like when you combine like the personal aspect to that and like you already like work with your husband, like I don't think you need another layer added to it in your personal life, you know, like that's already, you know, a lot in a way. Yeah, I agree with you.

I agree with you and I agree with you. And I feel that too. It's almost like I am someone when I'm at work, I'm very, unless I'm on the microphone, honestly, I'm very business mode. Like I cannot go in between because otherwise it's too complicated for me. And I've been that way for a while. And that's kind of why I don't really go up and talk to Greg when I'm here because I can't mentally handle it. And I just want to be like girls, you know? Like we were talking about like my baby shower

and your wedding and all these things that we're so excited for and like I don't want like you being my assistant at my baby shower. I know, I said to Mari, I was like, Mari, I like can't wait to come to your baby shower, but like, I don't really want to like plan your baby shower. Well, your friends do that too. But like, as a friend, I would, but it's just, it is just different. It is different.

And like, just the dynamic of working with a friend, I'm sure there are people listening that have worked with friends too, like it is just personal and relation and work relationship boundaries. It was just like, there are none because it's just all so combined. Yeah. And that makes a very difficult situation. I do a lot of prep work for my podcast, a lot of sitting down, focusing for hours and really honing in on one topic. And I'm not someone who can listen to lyrics.

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in like a rented office. Yeah. And I used to like bring them sticky notes and like pens. I like would decorate the office for Halloween with like cobwebs. And they were like, this is great. notes and like pens. And I am proud of us too. I think we really did pretty well for three years. We should make a montage. I'm going to cry. Like a bar mitzvah.

But also, I will even say, I feel so different than who I was three years ago. And I'm sure you will say the same. I think people change a lot. I also think your late 20s, early 30 30s, it's like such a pivotable pivot. Saturn return. Yes. But like truly, like this is when like, I personally have been going through a lot of personal changes in my life. And like it just, a lot is going on during these years.

And I think it's just all. That's another thing. Like you going through that breakup also kind of opened my eyes. And I was like... I have a feeling. Yeah, well, yeah. Because it's, guys, to have your best friend like call you sobbing and then you're like, okay, but we have a meeting in an hour, like sucks. Yeah.

Like that sucks. And I was like, I just want to be here for her as a friend. And I feel like I can't. It really like complicates things. And I also think it made me realize that you just have like a lot you're figuring out in your life. And I was like, I almost want to give her the space to do that without me. And I mean that in like a nice way.

Like I want to be able to support you as a friend. And I mean, guys, as you can tell by us describing this, it's like so complicated and confusing. There's a lot of layers. A lot of layers. But like in conclusion, I feel like we're both on the same page that this is the best decision and it doesn't mean we're not friends. If anything, I actually think now we can be better friends

for each other and like show up and have fun and do things we want to do. Because when you're with someone all day every day, it's not like you really think to hang out. That too. Like I always used to say to Mari, I was like, look, I love you, but we just spent Monday through Friday together. There was times where me and Mari literally sat across a desk face to face five days a week, just on meetings constantly, staring at each other constantly, which I love my friends, I love my family. I don't want to spend that much time with anybody, literally anybody in the world, no

matter how much I love you. That's just a lot. And then so I'd get to the weekends and I'd want to do stuff with you, but I'd be like, and then I would just be stressed about the next week. It was just like, there's just a lot going on. So this is definitely the best decision. But it was not an easy one, you guys. No, it was very, very emotional.

So funny. People think everything, I get so many comments all the time. People think like our lives are just so... I'm sure. Dandy and... Yeah, we're just yapping. Yappy happy girls that have no worries. I'm like, you only knew. I know. You only knew some real shit. I also think that their perception is that I'm like a horrible person and this is not going to help. Okay.

Well, that's not true, you guys. Me and Mari have had many conversations about this. This has been several months in the making. But because we wanted to do it the right way and I think it was in a way it was almost like a breakup. Like we had to try to navigate like how we wanted to do it and we don't hate each other and we want to remain friends, but we need to navigate through this section of it. So yeah.

And it's not like you want to get on a microphone in the middle of all that. Yeah, that too. You know, I know I do realize the last episode I was like, I'm not going anywhere people. But you're not. I know I'm not. I'm not. Which if Mari will have me, like I would still love to come on the podcast, you guys. I know everyone's going to be like... It'll be even better. No more girl chats.

Yeah. It'll be even better because there's no boundaries because I'm not technically Fi's boss. So she can really just say whatever. She's like a guest, girly appearance. I can't wait. I think it'll be even better, honestly. And yeah, I would love to have you keep coming on the show. I think, I mean, people love it.

And I love it. Love our girl chats. I know. It's a great place to catch up. So guys, like, please try to be as understanding as you can be and don't give either of us a hard time. Please don't come for Mari. Please don't come for me.

Don't come for anyone. We've been emotional as it is. I love Bloom. I love Pau. I love Mari and Greg. Literally, I was texting Greg's mom the other day. I was like, I love them so much. It's like, this is like, it's really hard. But I'm not going anywhere. So I'm still here. So with that said, let's get into the fun stuff. I don't have any fun updates. So I had a mental breakdown yesterday.

I've been having mental breakdowns. Well, I'm not, I just, you know what? I was trying to be demure about my pregnancy journey and I'm not being demure anymore. I don't care. Respect. I've been following on TikTok, like other girls in the trying to conceive club in the club. We are fam. And I did IUI this past month and it didn't

work. So yeah, I got my period. And I'm at the point where I'm like, I don't know what more I could be doing. So yeah. I don't think there is anything. I think it's just like timing. I know. And just like right timing and like, and it's like a numbers game. I know. Truly. That's like the same way I feel about dating, Mari. Literally anyone I talk to is like, it's just a numbers game. Like wild?

Literally. And I'm like, what does that mean? No, guys, dating is the wild fucking West. Yeah, do you want to? Why did nobody warn me? No one warned me. Well, you were doing something else. I mean, I am happy I'm single.

I think I'm going to remain single for some time. But yeah, dating is wild out here. Why don't you go to Europe for a month? I was thinking about it. Like a self-discovery thing. Yeah, a little e-pray love moment. Yeah, because didn't you kind of do that in the past and it worked great? Yeah, I went to Europe and broke up with my boyfriend and then I had a you pray love moment, yeah.

But I was disassociated the entire time. I think I was too young. Like now I would go and feel more like powerful about it, but I was just disassociated for a month in Italy. I bet you there's girls listening who live in Europe, who will DM you. Europe girlies, let me know. I'm thinking Italy, I love me some Italy.

It'll be Spain. I don't know, I'm trying to figure out, like I'm sure we'll get questions like what I'm going to do next. I'm trying to figure that out. I don't really know. You don't need to rush. I know. You know, it's funny. So I got a human design reading done. Yes, I saw that. Yeah. Was very interesting. I'm a manifesto, you guys. Only 9% of the world are manifestos. Whoa. Yeah, I'm pretty special.

But she told me as a manifestor and like after reading my chart, she told me not to rush into anything. She was like, do not rush. Like, like you're going to be presented with a lot of opportunities and different things right away. And like it's gonna, you're going to feel inclined. And like, I think it's just in my personality, like not having a job like, not like actively like doing that, like makes me very anxious and nervous. Yeah.

But at the same time, she was like, don't just jump into something because it's like the first thing to present itself, like really take a minute. Yeah, you can be a little reactive sometimes. Oh, yeah, for sure. I think it's my like, it's my like, safety strategy. It's like how I just like, I just like fix it and figure it out and like, like that. But I think I need to give myself a little time, like just, yeah, I agree. So let's see what that looks like. What do you think I am? Human design? I don't know. You'd have to get it done. It's literally based on your birthday, time you were born

and where you were born, which I know we've discussed. We know my parents don't know when I was born. I think they could find it somewhere. I made my mom go and look at my dad. Should we call the hospital I was born in? We could try that. Chertsey. They'd be like, girl, that shit's locked away in file cabinets from 1994. Maybe we'll try.

Yeah, but it was really interesting. She told me a ton of stuff about me that I was like, wow. But it felt very like real. Like I like really could relate to what she was saying. And so it was really interesting. Love that. But yeah.

What's the dating tea? I've been on a couple dates. I just like... I don't know. I have this weird... I was talking to a girlfriend the other day. Unfortunately, I think a lot of our like, like these 28 to like young 30 year olds, like our, I don't know what gen we are. What are we? I think we're millennials. Are we? I never know. Whenever people bring these terms up, they're like, Gen Z, Gen...

We might be like Gen Zennials. 1994, 1995. I don't know, but our generation, maybe this is just what happens to everyone when they turn 30, but I just feel like every single person I know is running around with a chicken with their head cut off and no one knows what they wanna do with their lives. Really? Yeah, I feel like anyone I date, everyone is like, doesn't know what they wanna do with their,

like it's just, I don't know. And I just feel like it's messy. I just feel like everything's really messy. And I like to think that I have my shit together. I think I do, obviously I'm going through this transition now, but I don't know, I just, I'm like I'm going through this transition now, but like I don't know I just I'm like we're like the normal men. I Thought they'd be here, but I don't know I maybe Dallas

I I don't know I when I moved here I like thought the same thing and then or like when I should say when I was newly found single here and like I talked to like my single girlfriends and they were like girl it ain't no better than LA And I was like, what do you mean were like, girl, it ain't no better than LA. And I was like, what do you mean? Don't tell me that. But I just... Everyone says that about every city.

I think there's something... I think there's a huge pressure now on everyone our age to be successful by a certain time. I know I've talked to guys that they're like, I'm not looking to settle down until I X, Y, and Z, until I get to this position or make this amount of money or do X Y&Z and I'm like, yeah I think that's such a toxic way to like date Like I'm like shouldn't you be with someone that you grow together and like you're both trying to like make something of yourselves together Like yeah, it's just not I don't know. I don't like that approach to it And I just feel like everyone I meet like is that way and no one knows what.

Like if Greg and I had gone about it that way, we wouldn't be anywhere. You guys are the epitome of you met with like nothing and grew into something. But like, I think you guys, people are like me in college. I'm like, that's like a very rarity to me nowadays. Like people just didn't be together our age for 10 years. Like it does happen, but like. Ten years as of Halloween. Yeah, that's nuts. Oh yeah.

Our three year wedding anniversary, December 1st. Yeah, that's nuts. But yeah, dating is just really hard. I will say, I, when I was kind of alluding to earlier, like I feel very different than I was like three years ago. I feel so much more secure in myself now than like I ever have. And like when we were on our walk the other day, we were just kind of like talking, I was talking about dating with Mari and I was just like, I finally feel like I really know

what I want and what I will put up with and what I will not put up with and what I deserve and what I bring and what I will put up with and what I bring to the table. The minute I'm on a date and a man shows me otherwise, I'm like, so nice meeting you. I don't think this is going to work out. But that really does limit the dating pool. It narrows the options. It does, which I guess when you find the right one, it's great. And I have friends that are my age that are married now, and they happen, Sidney and John. I think they're a beautiful couple. Amazing. He's amazing. She's amazing. Like so happy they found each other. But to me, it seems like that's like

diamond in the rough nowadays. I feel like we have friends here who have trauma dating stories. I'm not going to go into any specifics, but the love bombing that's happening out here and just men, oh my God. I also think, Fi, you have been pretty wrapped up in my life for the past three years. Obviously, you had weekends and stuff, but if you think about it, you're now entering this phase where you're like open and maybe you'll go to Europe or maybe you'll take a day trip somewhere. Like, I don't know. It just kind of makes you a bit more available or if you do a job that's more flexible and

you're like running around town. It's like you network. You never know who I'm going to meet through. In my world, you don't really network that much. We just kind of, you know, we were just grinding, just grinding. You're grinding. Yeah. I have a question. Are you on the apps? I am on the apps. What if you expand the radius to Dallas and Fort Worth also? Perhaps. I mean, is that weird? No, I mean, like my,

it's a three hour drive. Hinge is like, I have Austin, but like Raya is that weird? No, I mean, like my three hour drive hinges like I have Austin but like Raya is like the whole world, which is actually really annoying because I'm like, don't show me this attractive man in like Egypt. Yeah, like I'm never going to say that's annoying. But I just feel like Dallas is not that far. And especially when you're in this moment where you're kind of like, I don't really need to be anywhere. Yeah. Isn't that a good idea? No, you're right. You're right. I just like, I don't really need to be anywhere. Yeah. Isn't that a good idea? No, you're right. You're right. I just like, I just don't think a lot of people are dating nowadays for the right

intentions. Like even on the apps, Mari, it is so traumatizing. Like I have friends send me like screenshots of like messages guys send. Like it's just, it is, it is scary out here. You know, I can't even imagine. And then I feel like even sometimes you meet great, good guys with awesome jobs who are like, you're great. And then you're like, are you dating? They're like, oh, I'm just locked in on what I'm doing right now.

I'm not looking to date. And you're like, oh my God. Yeah, but do they mean that? That's me. I'm like, well, wait till he meets me. Don't do that to yourself, girls. I tried that. If a guy says he's not looking for anything serious,

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I just feel like maybe somewhere, I don't know. I think I know people are like, the minute you stop looking, it'll come. I think I just need to like focus on me. I want to like take a step. I want to take a beat, figure out what I feel like I'm being called to do next, like work towards that, like really work on myself. I love that. I think, you know, the last few years,

like love my job, but like it is, it was a demanding job. It was a very like, it consumed your whole life and it was my whole life too. Like Bloom and Pow and stuff, like it's like my identity. Like truly I like don't really know who I am without it. I'm gonna figure it out. But that's what I hoped would come of this. When I think about this time in our lives, I was like, I really hope Fi does something for self-discovery. That was kind of what

I was hoping you'd do. I think between that and then just also the relationship I had been in. I think like I was very selfless in that relationship and I was doing a lot for that person. And I just kind of got to the point where I was like, I need to like start making decisions for me and me only. And like that's kind of what I meant even with the dating stuff of like, thank you so much was lovely meeting you, but like not going to work for me.

Like I kind of want to like be selfish. No, I'm so proud of you for that. I really want to be selfish. And like when I tell you that is quite literally the hardest concept for me to grasp, like it is, it is really hard for me to make a decision that may affect someone else and like me think about myself over the other person. Like that is really hard for me. Um, I have a hard time with that too.

And I think it's such a childhood thing. Oh yeah. It's people pleasing. it's like not wanting to cause conflict, it's a million things. And also like, we grew up similarly but differently, but like I was always concerned about like my parents' emotion and like what can I do to make sure they're fine? So for me to have a feeling about something, no. Like, not okay.

No, like you don't have feelings. Like you're just trying to like boundary and help everyone else keep their feelings in check. Which is funny as like two friends who are both like that because... Guys, that's why the last three months I'm like... Mari's like, you don't hate me? I'm like, you don't hate me? She's like, wait, what?

I'm like, I thought you hated me. She's like, I thought you hated me. No, we're the worst. We're the worst. It's hard. Like, oh, it's so hard. But I am proud of us because we've gotten a lot better at it. Yeah. Well, I think when you approach a conversation, you're like, look, like I am saying this out of love and respect and like, I care about you, but like X, Y, and Z and like every conversation we had was like that. Like it was very like, there were tears, but like it was very like, it's because we care so much. And I just think, I just like, I just want everyone, women, everyone,

to just like try putting yourself first. Like truly, I think, I feel like even you Mari, like in the last year, even just since moving to Austin, like I feel like I know when you said you wanted to move in, like you had these, you know, in the van, you like wrote down what your goals were and you really wanted to create friendships here and pursue your hobbies more and stuff. Even the transition from you going from English riding to Western riding. I know that sounds silly, but I felt like you were doing English because you had started it and you kind of felt like you had to do it then

because you were like, sounds crazy, but the backlash of changing from English. And then you were finally like, fuck it. I don't want to do that anymore. And you had some kind of scary experiences with it and now you're doing what you want to do. And you don't have to be apologetic for it. But for some reason, we feel like we have to. We feel bad that we're like doing what we want to do Yeah, which I think is just such a big thing between like men and women I'm like ask a man what he wants to do. He's like, I'm I did that because I wanted to what do you mean? Women are like wait what I've told you that example, right? Little girls having a sleepover and those boys and girls and the parent comes and goes who wants pizza?

Every kid every boy puts his hand up and all the girls are looking around to see what everyone else wants. Like, oh, are you hungry? Like, oh, you do you want pizza? No, truly. I feel that so deeply. Actually the Western English thing, I freaked out in the middle of that transition because I felt like I was upsetting people.

And the thing is you will yeah Like when you make a decision for you, you might upset other people you might disappoint other people and it's a mindset shift of like Okay, I'm sorry you feel that way. But at the end of the day, it's you look up for yourself like yeah, you gotta look out for yourself and like I'm really trying to dive into that and practice that in this next chapter because I just feel like I, up until now, and believe me, I am so thankful I am the way I am and I'm not saying it's a bad trait to have. I think it's gotten me very far in life. And I love that about myself. I love that I am empathetic and that I deeply

care about other people I do. But I also think like there's a line that needs to be drawn where like you look out for yourself. And like, it's funny, I was in therapy the other day. And I had been telling my therapist how like I moved, I don't know if I mentioned this already on the show, but how after like my breakup, I moved into my own place. And I was like, now I can keep it spotless and clean and like, he will make a mess and X, Y, and Z. And my therapist goes, well, like, you don't have to do that.

Like, it can be messy if you want. Like, you don't have to do that. And I was like, what do you mean? And she was like, it's your apartment. You can do whatever you want. She's like, you can leave dishes on the counter or like not take the trash out. Like, it's up to you. Like, no one's's like, you can leave dishes on the counter or like not take the trash out. Like it's up to you. Like no one's going to like make you feel otherwise.

And like also like it's your space. Like you pay for it. Like you can do what you want. And I was just like, oh my God. Like I just realized I hold myself to this like such standard of like perfection that is so unattainable. And also just like, I don't know, I think for a while, again, I think from childhood, and this comes with dating too, I think I thought, I still think I feel this way. I feel like I have to be perfect to find the right guy. I feel like the right guy will not want to be with me until I am so perfect for him. And I finally am like, that is such bullshit.

I don't have to be perfect at all. No one's perfect. But it's really hard when you are such a perfectionist and type A and you hold yourself to such this standard. It's really hard. Well, if you think about it at face level, like someone meeting you, there's not much wrong with you. I mean, yeah, you have some insecurities and childhood ship,

but you're pretty awesome majority of the time. wrong with you. Yeah, exactly. Like we all are. Like I feel like you accomplish amazing things and then the next day you're like, I could have done this better. And I'm like, what are you talking about? But we all are just our harshest critics. It's rough out here, you guys. But I have faith. I am like greatly, you know, I am not religious. I won't even say I'm like spiritual. Like I'm not. I'm thinking about becoming religious. Did I tell you that? Oh, Mari. Since this pregnancy thing, I kind of want to pray. I also just want answers.

Okay. Like yesterday, I was like, maybe I should church. So instead I went on TikTok and I ordered some crazy supplements that everyone's getting pregnant on. Okay, great. Called Geritol. Hit me up if you've gotten pregnant on Geritol. Okay, well, to each their own.

Not an ad, seriously. I'm not going to comment on that. I think everyone goes through that. But right now, I am greatly leaning into this just like everything happens for a reason. I believe in the universe. I think everything's, I think what energy you put out comes back. I think do good onto others and good will come to you. I fully believe in all that stuff

So like I am fully putting all My eggs in the universe got me. It's gonna come back somehow. I don't know what's gonna happen Yeah, but I'm just like timing put the trust put the trust. What is that from? I remember I said it like I said it like one of the first episodes I was like put the trust and we were like What does that mean put the trust came back around? Yeah, wait, can I speak about Gerritol for a second? Yeah Gerritol. Yeah, it's crazy so Guys, I've been pretty good about not being obsessive about fertility

Like I genuinely haven't really thought about it on a daily basis for two to three months. I actually even stopped testing for a couple of months because I was like, I need to just chill. And I really have, like I've been less obsessive, been doing the things I love doing. I try in the window, whatever. Mostly because I know myself and I'm so obsessive

that the second that the thought unlocks, I'm done for. So yesterday, I unlocked it. Really? Yep. I received quite a few text messages. Yep. I said, fuck, in all caps.

It's like 4pm, Marissa just texted me, hey, I need help. I'm like, what is it? And they're, yep. So basically, I realized that I could test yesterday after my IUI. And I scrambled, it was in the afternoon and I did the test and it was negative, lol, my like, what, 12th negative pregnancy test I've ever taken. So I was like, oh great, okay, now I'm gonna spiral. So I did spiral and I was just like running around like what am I gonna do? I'm on TikTok, I'm whatever what's all the girls doing?

Cause all these people are talking about like trying to conceive. There's this stuff called Geritol that's a liquid like vitamin shot. It's like brown liquid. And you take one shot every single day leading up to ovulation, like during your period, whatever. What is it?

I literally don't take it guys, like I have no idea. It's like niacin and vitamin B12 and like all this, oh, Foley, like all this stuff. I am not recommending that you take it. And this is not an ad. I literally have a supplement company. I would not be promoting another supplement company, but the girls are getting pregnant on it.

So you know how everyone was taking mucinex every day? Now the new thing's Geritol. And swear, swear, I followed this girl's whole journey. Took me to the next, didn't work, was trying for over a year, started Geritol, worked. So I ordered it, they have it at HUB. See, like stuff like that to me is like maybe it just happened to be the time that it worked. I know, I think that too.

And it's not the Geritol. I think that too, but I'm at the point where I will literally try anything. I will inject something into my eyeballs. I know. I was ready to be a mum one year ago. So now I'm a year into. Here's how I feel. I feel like I'm living the wrong life. And I know that sounds really dramatic. But when I come to work, and don't get me wrong, like I fucking love this podcast. I love what I do. Like I really feel very like I am supposed to be doing this. However,

when I mentally decided I was ready to be a mom, literally all I can think about from that moment on. So when I'm sitting at a desk all day and I'm grinding or I'm traveling and doing these meetings, I'm just like, no, I want to be dropping off my kid at school or playing or I just, I'm not mentally like here. So yeah, I have mentally decided if I'm not pregnant by the end of the year, I will do IVF in January and I don't care. I'll cancel everything I have on the schedule. Because I'm just...

You got to do you. I'm done. Apologize. It sounds like that's what you want. Go get it. I know. I was always thinking I should cancel my LA trip next week, honestly. Well, next week's not going to change anything.

I know. It's like literally next week. I get it. We had a guest here the other day that brought his two little girls into the building. Oh, yeah. And they were quite literally the cutest little girls I've ever seen in my life, like smiley, giggly, happy little girls. And I almost started crying. I was literally playing with them on the basketball court and I literally almost started crying. And I wanted to pick up the little one so bad.

But I was like, you know, you can't just like pick up people's children. But like the the literal primal feeling in me, like I was like, oh my God. And imagine how I feel, I'm not even fucking close. I got a while until I can do that shit. I know, but it's different when you try. I know, I mean. You might get pregnant immediately.

See, that's also my thing. I'm like, okay, so what? I'm single now and I got like three years ahead of me, three, four years maybe until I get to try. And then what if it takes me three years? It's taking everyone. Thirty six, thirty seven. A really long time. It's like terrifying.

I know. Oh, it's because we all were on birth control for 10 years of our life and not knowing any other repercussions of it. Yeah, no, it's like the, it was easier to lose 90 pounds. I lost 90 pounds in the space of time I've been trying. Well, I also think knowing, you know, your personality and how like your work ethic and like when you put your mind to something, you do it and you see the results. And it's probably the one thing in your life that literally you do not have control over. I'm so annoyed.

Like you literally don't. I'm, yeah, normally I'm like trying to be positive on this show, but guys, I'm like really annoyed at this point. I do not have control over. This is what most of these girls are probably going through too. That's true, guys. Let us know if you're trying to conceive or if you're dating, just like. We need we need like a forum. I mean, I know that you guys can comment if you're listening on Spotify and we can read the comments, but I would prefer to have like a little like girls chat. Maybe our girl chats, we start doing more of the voicemails again

and like anonymous stories or like... I have an idea. You know how people have those like threads in the DMs? Like you can have a public channel. We could do that on the pow page. That'd be smart and people put questions. But then it's not anonymous. Oh yeah.

It's like coming from a profile. No, but I just mean to chat. That's a good idea. Community. Like, hey guys, I'm trying Geritol this month. What about you? What if Geritol is like illegal just kidding they have an HGV Well, I'll keep you guys updated on that because I also just wanted to be pregnant so I could tell everyone at Thanksgiving

I Know you can't you can't don't get ahead of yourself like that. I know I know I planned it believe me I'm I I know I'm such a planner too. Like I I'm sad I'm sad. I meet a man you guys on a first date and I'm like, so where do you want to get married? I know. It's so toxic. You can't do that. Well, I'm going to be so honest though.

I have literally started being like, so I want to be a mom and have kids like yesterday. What are your feelings of that? And if they run away, then run away. And I'm not saying I want that with you today. We just met. But that's what I mean mean I'm tired of being the cool girl yeah I'm tired of it you were never the cool girl okay well I'm tired of pretending to be the cool girl like no I was not the cool girl but you know what I mean like I'm tired of being like yeah I'm so over it like I know what I. I Know what I'm looking for. Why are you yelling?

Cuz I'm a set I'm heated no, but seriously like if that makes a man run away then he is not my man There one man will come along and be like Yes Sure, you're my wife. No, I don't know where he is I'm trying to think of places that are a bit more like I feel like you're kind of traditional I know you're kind of traditional. I know you're not really. I know you're not.

But I think you are. I don't know though because I don't be. Yes you are. Like I'm traditional in the sense that like I want to be a mom and have babies and stuff. But like I also don't want that in like a very traditional setting. When we did the last episode, I had so many DMs afterwards of people being like women listening, which thank you guys for sharing these because they give me so much hope. Women that were like, I was in a toxic relationship all through my 20s.

We broke up at 35 and I met my dream man at 37 and now we're pregnant and I am so glad I waited or I'm so glad I left that toxic relationship. I would have never met him without, you know, you said, which I loved, like, you're closer now to finding that than you ever were staying in that relationship. So I do believe that. I think it's just like, kind of the thing, same with pregnancy, it's just time and it's like a numbers game and it's just, it'll happen. But it gets, I get it. It's very, what's the word?

Like you get very, it's like, what am I trying to say? Discouraged? Yes, very discouraging. Yeah. When you just kind of continue to have not great experiences with stuff, you're like, what do we all do? If you go to Spain and you meet someone there and then you never come back. Maybe you can come visit me.

That would be sick. That would be sick. I mean, I mean, I'm not against it. I feel like European men might be less sort of like, I would date a European man. Tainted by society. Yeah. I mean, every country has their own issues. I could see you with a Brit. You should add London to your tour. Okay. Oh, you should add London to your tour. Okay. Also, do I go on like a love on tour? Like love on tour?

Make a show. Well, that's Harry Styles. Or document it on your Instagram. I know that's actually a good idea. Me dating in different countries. Also, let's be real and we should really end soon because we're going over time and I have like literally a million things to do. Sorry.

I wish I was kidding. Literally a million things to do. Sorry. I wish I was kidding. Look at my guy. People meet on social media now. And honestly, their show is a great platform to say, hey, for you single, if you know someone, and please a decent person, I don't care. Please vet them before you send them my way.

Yeah like that's not nice to send for you a psychopath. Thanks. But if you guys do know of anyone amazing like send them our way and then also if you did a fee on tour. Hmm. Try and play on words with that. I know we'll have to figure that out. Whatever.

Let's say you go on tour and you document it on your Instagram and I'm like I'm watching from afar and I'm reporting back on the mic. People will watch from around the world and men will want to date you. Yeah. I'm being for real. I know I sound like I'm kidding. No, I mean, I think it sounds promising. I've seen girls on TikTok.

Again, it's like TikTok, but girls that go abroad and meet their dream man and they're just like, oh, this is like, this is it. And then you have complicated immigration issues, but we can get that. Yeah. I know I was talking with a guy about that recently because he's going through it and I was like, oh, I was like, I had to help my boss study for hers.

Do you remember that? What do you mean it was traumatizing? You guys, Mari, I think her citizenship was like quite literally insane. Insane. Insane. We took Adderall. We did take Adderall. And we made flashcards and we studied our asses off.

Is it bad we said that? I don't care. It's fine. Some real shit. Yeah, we studied really hard. I knew Mari cried every day that she went to the office. Every single time I went to that immigration office, I cried. You guys, I would drop Mari at the door.

I was in your old, probably your old Range Rover. I run out. And I would do laps around the building because you're in downtown LA and you can't fucking park anywhere. And she would call me like, they wouldn't take me. Can you pick me up? I would go to the front. She had her folder and she'd be crying.

And we'd call Leslie and Leslie would be like, what do you mean? Leslie was pissed. I feel like every time you went back there, like, what do you mean? Leslie was busy. I feel like every time you went back there, like, oh wait, now you need this form. And you're like, I've been here five times. I'm literally putting a hole in my green cod and then before your wedding, right before my wedding and then going, by the way, you can't travel for six months. And I go, hold on, babe. I'm literally getting married in a couple weeks. So then I got a temporary visa and then I got pulled in the root.

Oh yeah, that's another story. Anyways, okay. We'll get there when we get there. Let's wrap up this bitch sesh. Fee, thank you for joining today. That was a great bitch sesh. Love ya. Love you too.

It's gonna be great. It's gonna be great. This is crazy you guys. It's going to be great. It's crazy, you guys. I can't wait to figure it out. It's going to be crazy. I just can't wait for Fee on tour. I feel like I can't say that. I feel like Harry Styles people are going to come for me, but like, why?

Maybe I want his attention. Because his thing's love on tour. I don't think people are going to say that. Dating on tour. D-O-T. Guys, help me come up with a good slogan. Yeah. I'll make it my are going to say that. Dating on tour. D-O-T. Guys, help me come up with a good slogan. Yeah. And I'll make it my new... Fee finding love. Oh. Fee... I know, I'm like, do I go on a dating show? Yeah. I watched Love is Blind. I watched the

last season of Love is Blind and there's this one couple, Taylor and Garrett. If you guys watch Love is Blind, you'll get it. Obsessed. These people could not be more in love. I know I don't really want to fall in love on a dating show, but like this couple quite literally I'm like I'm obsessed with them and they are two perfect people together and they didn't even see each other. They got engaged without seeing each other and then they're hot. I don't hate you falling in love on a dating show. I'm just really worried. Dating shows are a little scary. What if like they edit you weird or something? Yeah.

I mean, I don't think they could like ruin my character. I feel like I'm pretty. That's true. I'd be the lovable one. But I actually always say like The Bachelor, I know hate, but like I'm like if it came down to me and another girl and the guy was like, look, 50% I'm going to propose to her, 50% I'm going to propose to you. I'd be like, what do you mean?

No, that doesn't work. Like that, to me, I just don't like that. Like I want a man to be a hundo. Maybe you should go on Love is Blind. If anyone's listening and it's connected to Love is Blind. Production? Production. That's what Hayley asked for.

And I'll be one of the friends in the scene. Oh yeah. And you'll be like, oh, Fiona just dates assholes. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you'll be the one at the end when they come home for like hometowns and they like get them and they're like, why should you date them? Yeah. Good idea.

What's your intentions? Oh my God, should I? Oh, I don't know. Okay. Anyway, guys, we've ended this five times. Okay. Bye. Bye.

We have requested a lot of feedback, so we'll talk to you guys soon. Thanks for joining us on the Pursuit of Wellness podcast. To support this show, please rate and review and share with your loved ones. If you want to be reminded of new episodes, click the subscribe button on your preferred podcast or video player. You can sign up for my newsletter to receive my favorites at marielawelland.com. It will be linked in the show notes. This is a Wellness Lab production produced by Drake Peterson,

Fiona Attucks and Kelly Kyle. This show is edited by Mike Frye and our video is recorded by Louise Vargas. You can also watch the full video of each episode on our YouTube channel at Mari Fitness. Love you, Power Girls and Power Boys. See you next time. The content of this show is for educational and informational purposes only.

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