Pursuit of Wellness - My Mental Health Journey: BPD & OCD, The Steps I’m Taking To Heal

Episode Date: October 17, 2024

Ep. 142 In today’s solo episode, I share my personal journey, revealing the ups and downs I’ve faced, including my BPD diagnosis, my early experiences with therapy, and the challenges I encountered during college that shaped my understanding of mental health. I’ll offer valuable tips, tricks, and tools that have empowered me to regain control over my life and well-being. I also discuss the routines and habits that help me maintain a positive mental state and reflect on the important lessons I've learned along the way. Leave Me a Message - click here! For Mari’s Instagram click here! For Pursuit of Wellness Podcast’s Instagram click here! For Mari’s Newsletter click here! For POW Brand Promo Codes click here! Show Links: Superhuman App - 14 Day (completely free trial). Head to activations.com/pow to get over 60% off your membership. This offer is only available through their website, not the App Store. Brain Lock Book Sponsored By: Go to boncharge.com and use coupon code PURSUIT to save 15%. That’s boncharge.com and use coupon code PURSUIT to save 15%. Unlock your brain’s full potential FREE for 30 days by going to brain.fm/POW. That’s brain.fm/POW for 30 days free. It's time you own your health. To join Function Health, go to functionhealth.com/pow and use code POW100 to skip the waitlist. Available up to 1,000 listeners. So, if you want to take the next step in improving your health, go to lumen.me/POW to get 15% off your Lumen. That is lumen.me/POW or 15% off your purchase. Topics Discussed 00:00:00 - Introduction  00:01:36 - Mari’s upbringing and childhood   00:04:31 - Starting therapy young  00:06:13 - Starting college 00:07:36 - BPD Diagnosis  00:12:01 - BPD and mental health updates 00:15:14 - Mari’s struggles and symptoms  00:17:16 - Starting treatment  00:20:01 - Current mental health challenges  00:25:46 - Mental health tools 00:29:25 - Superhuman app 00:34:05 - Message for anyone going through it 

This is the Pursuit of Wellness podcast and I'm your host, Mari Llewellyn. Hi guys, welcome back to another solo episode. I'm so excited to have you here today. We are talking all things mental health. I am giving you some tips, tricks, tools, things I've used throughout my journey with mental health that have really, really helped me and gotten to a place where I truly feel like my mental health is no I am in my best possible mental state, just having been through periods of time in my life where I really felt like mental health was kind of running everything that I was doing. And you guys know if you've listened to my journey before how sort of detrimental my mental health has been in the past and how much I've struggled with it.

So I've really done a lot of, I've tried a lot of different things to get to where I am now. If you're watching this episode on video, I am wearing a hat and I don't have makeup on today because I got microneedling done, which is a part of my acne scarring journey. So my skin looks a little bit crazy.

So if you're watching on camera, hi. But I wanted to make sure I showed up for you guys today. I would never skip an episode. So here we are. And we're going to talk all things mental health. I feel like I'll give a little bit of context for people who don't know my history with mental health, kind of to just start from all the way at the beginning, without, you know, I never really go into too much detail on my family or childhood and things like that, because it's like a, you know, private, other people involved type of thing. But I was born

in London, moved to Switzerland, moved back to England, moved to New York, I've lived in Philly, I've lived in Colorado, I've lived in LA, I've moved around a ton my whole life and that was kind of the childhood I had. I was also really lucky in the fact that we got to travel a ton. I was exposed to a lot of different cultures, but my dad worked for the United Nations, which meant we were constantly hopping around. And I think that definitely contributed to this feeling of like, constantly hopping around. And I think that definitely contributed to this feeling of like, yes, on one hand, I feel like I'm pretty adaptable and pretty good in like, emergency situations where I need to just kind of make things work. But at the same time, I think this feeling of like instability and never really fitting in and not understanding

where I'm from is like a big part of who I am. So just to give context on that. But I feel like I grew up a pretty anxious kid when I think back on my childhood. There was a lot of like worry happening, a lot of like, a lot of tears, like crying myself to sleep type of thing, which sounds sad. But I think I just kind of had a lot of dark thoughts happening and I was really, really worried about people in my life passing away and just kind of hyper fixating on things that weren't really happening. But at the same time, there were, you know,

my household was pretty like tumultuous, like a kind of explosive environment where I never really learned how to. I'm have constructive emotional conversations without it ending in tears or yelling so i do think that there are parts of my childhood that definitely contributed to. to the things I struggled with later on in life. My parents ended up divorcing when I was a junior in high school and that was like a really big moment for my family because it was just the four of us in the US, the rest of our families in the UK and Italy

all over the place. So that was a really big moment. And I feel like my, I always could tell that I was an emotional, I don't want to use the word emotional, I just was like in a more expressive emotional person in my house. And I could tell that I struggled with anxiety and maybe a bit of depression here and there, but I didn't know what it was for a very long time.

I thought maybe I was just quote unquote sensitive or quote unquote high maintenance, which were words that were used to describe me, which makes me feel sad now. But I was put in therapy pretty young. I've been in therapy since I was 14 years old because my parents thought that I had ADD because I struggled so badly with school. So I was put in therapy basically to be diagnosed with ADD, which I was and put on medication for the ADD. Looking back, I don't particularly think that I had ADD. I did struggle focusing and I did struggle with school,

but I think more so I was kind of like just checked out because I was struggling so much at home. I think I was just not really there. I was a pretty quiet, shy kid, so I think it was difficult to tell what was really going on with me from an outside perspective. But I had exposure to therapy from a young age, and that was kind of a blessing, honestly, because I didn't even really end up talking about the ADD that much. I ended up talking about what was going on at home, struggling with friendships in school,

things like that. I feel like I really just went inward at that time. I wasn't really being myself at school, in high school, but in particular, I didn't feel comfortable sharing what was happening. I didn't know how to put it into words. I didn't even know sharing what was happening. I didn't know how to put it into words. I didn't even know if it was really wrong. So that was a really interesting time for me. And I definitely had zero confidence. I was a very insecure, very shy person. And I think it took a really long time for me

to build up this sense of confidence because I felt like a lot of the kids around me knew each other since kindergarten. And I was coming in brand new from the UK with a weird accent saying words wrong, just feeling completely misplaced. And yeah, I think when, you know, senior year came around and I was getting ready to go to college, I just felt so ready to get out of my house and get into I just felt so ready to get out of my house and get into a new environment and kind of start fresh because I felt like, yeah, actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I knew that everyone was starting fresh at a new school. Like all of us were brand new, none of us knew each other. Being a freshman in college is like such a cool opportunity to start over again.

And I think I went into it with that mindset, just being so excited and ready to embrace it. And I kind of did that in a positive way. I felt more confident than I probably ever had felt before. And I was putting myself out there and saying yes to everything and really being social and meeting new people and made some really good friends. But at the same time, I think I also discovered ways of numbing the pain I felt with alcohol and partying

and making sure I was never alone and making really impulsive, sometimes dangerous decisions just to ensure that I wasn't alone with my thoughts or feeling the feelings that I didn't wanna feel. So this was the time that I didn't wanna feel. So this was the time where I feel like things started to escalate with my mental health and they actually became quite damaging

to my everyday life. And it was around junior year of college that I was actually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I think my therapist had had premonitions for a while, just based on my characteristics and things I did. And she suggested that I go to a psychiatrist in Philadelphia, which I did. She agreed that I had borderline personality disorder, um, put me on a number of medications. So it's an interesting thing to think about

because at the time I think it was necessary for me to go on medication. I was self-harming regularly. So like, trigger warning here, but like cutting regularly, doing dangerous behaviors, getting blackout drunk, putting myself in bad situations. So I am grateful that I was put on medication,

but at the time it was too much. And I'll definitely go into more detail on this further in the episode, but that was like my main struggle at that point in my life. my main struggle at that point in my life. I am currently in my acne scar healing era and I'm kind of doing everything I can for the scarring. I actually just got microneedling done and something they told me would be really beneficial in the healing process was Red Light and I was like perfect I have just the product and that is my Bon Charge Red Light

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helping you find and stay in flow. They have different audio modes like deep work, creative, motivation to meet your exact needs. There's also turbo mode for ADHD support, which I've tried suggesting to Greg and I think would really benefit him. Brain FM is the only music company supported by the National Science Foundation to improve people's focus. Unlock your brain's full potential free for 30 days by going to brain.fm slash pow. That is brain.fm slash pow for 30 days free. Currently, I no longer meet the criteria for BPD. I haven't self-harmed in years. I haven't really done impulsive dangerous behaviors in years. There's still some lingering sort of like abandonment things from BPD that I think will

always sort of be something for me to work on. But I really want to talk to you guys about how I got from the place of really having BPD run my life to where I am now. And now I feel like I'm struggling a bit more with other things. Like I feel like my journey has kind of just evolved. And now I struggle more so with anxiety and OCD like tendencies. And it's a lot more manageable, but it's still apparent in some parts of my life. And I want to talk to you guys about, you know, tools I use to manage it. I do think there's mental health issues that are environmental and some are genetic and some are both.

I think I was born with a predisposition for mental health struggles. And then environmentally, you know, they've now discovered that BPD is a trauma-based disorder. So I do think parts of my childhood and certain relationships like did lead to me being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. And I just want anyone listening who may have that diagnosis or know someone with it, that it is not a death sentence.

I think when I first heard that diagnosis, I really thought that I was like doomed because if I were to look it up online at the time, it said no therapist will work with someone with BPD. It's a highly manipulative disorder, basically suggesting that people with this disorder are evil and difficult to work with and explosive. And honestly, like reading that, I think I was just coming from a place of like feeling so empty and sad all the time. It was like, well, how am I going to have someone help me if this is their belief about me? And, you know, this is really dark, but I also read online, many, many people with BPD

end up committing suicide, which for me was really terrifying because, you know, I was so in this hole with BPD for a while where I did think like I wouldn't really care if I died. Like that was my thought process back then, which is so horrible to think about now. But I truly didn't really care if I lived or died. I just didn't want to feel anything anymore. So reading that online was very discouraging and kind of made me feel like, well, what's the point in trying? So if you are listening and you have that diagnosis, I just want you to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not like a lifetime diagnosis. I think so many people told me I would have BPD forever,

and that clearly is not the case. So I do want to put that out there. And I also just want to say, mental health is an always evolving journey. Like I have good seasons, bad seasons, but I think ultimately, as long as we're being intentional about prioritizing, making time to take care of our brains and doing things every day that's gonna benefit our mental health, that's all we really can do. So just to kind of speak specifically

to the things I've struggled with and things I've done, and then I'll kind of move into general tools for mental health. To give you guys a definition of borderline personality disorder, it's characterized by severe mood swings, impulsive behavior, and difficulty forming stable personal relationships. I think that's an okay definition. I think everyone sort of struggles differently with BPD, but it is a trauma-based disorder. A lot of people with BPD struggle with a core sense of identity. I think oftentimes when it comes from a place of neglect or whatever's going on in the

household, it's this feeling of like, well, who really am I if I don't have love from certain people or I don't feel validated from certain people. The way that I always described it when I was going through it was like, I had third degree burns on my emotions. So really like anything could make me feel like I was in severe pain and almost this like unbearable feeling of like emptiness

and this is so dark, but like I really felt like just hurting all the time. And it made it difficult to do everyday tasks, like going to the grocery store, interacting with a stranger on the street. Everything triggered me and hurt. And my way of dealing with that was to make sure I never felt any of it. So for me, that showed up in drinking, partying, impulsive behaviors, and then having these episodes. I would have these crying, screaming, like, please help me, cutting just really explosive episodes. I think it was really scary for me. It was scary for Greg when I was, you know,

in a relationship with Greg. And I had to pretty quickly figure out how to fix this. So once I was put on the medication, one of the first things I ever did was group therapy. And I think that group therapy was a really beneficial thing for me to do because it was the first time where I felt like I was being validated and I could see other people struggling with the same thing that I did who were, you know, normal nice people. And I was like, oh,

I'm not this like crazy monster like I read on the internet. I felt like I was in this group of people who could relate and we could share stories and examples with each other. And I felt really, I don't know, I felt really seen in that group back in Philadelphia. I also started doing DBT skills. So I actually purchased DBT workbooks. This stands for dialectical behavioral therapy. It's a tool that they use for BPD.

I think they use it for bipolar. There's a few different disorders, but also just emotional regulation in general. I think DBT is fantastic for it. It's very tools-based. So using tools like mindfulness or even holding ice instead of self-harming, like tools you could use rather than doing the unhealthy behaviors that I was doing at the time. So I was working on that as well. I also really leaned into using my therapist as a tool and would call her mid-episode, would make sure I got on the phone with her. I also switched therapists at a certain point. I found someone who was BPD specific, which was so, so helpful for me. Because I felt like my therapist before was sort of just like a general

therapist who maybe didn't have the best understanding of the disorder. And I actually managed to find someone who had a very similar background to me, you know, struggles with certain people in their lives and similar backgrounds. So I felt like she really understood me. And together we also did a lot of trauma work. We worked through things and situations in my head that were causing a lot of the pain that I felt as an adult. So those are some of the things I did for BPD.

I will say it took me, I mean, let's say I was diagnosed probably 2014, 2015. It's taken me years to get to where I am now. And I kind of, there were points in my journey where I thought it was never going to end and I was going to always be someone having episodes and on the bathroom floor. But I genuinely have not had an episode now in over a year, maybe over two years. So it does get better and it does take work. Like I think you need to be willing to put in the work and want things to get better for yourself.

So similar with fitness, like I was ready and willing to embrace the change. And to speak a bit more to like my current day mental health challenges, I would say anxiety and also OCD patterns have been a big part of my current life. So it's funny because I think my fitness journey was so life changing and in so many beneficial ways, but I also think it introduced the idea of control for me. And I was so out of control for so long and felt so at the whim of my emotions that when I learned to control them

through my fitness journey and learned, okay, like I can have this insanely rigid routine and have these rituals and if I do them, I feel safe. That stuck in my head and I think has been rigid routine and have these rituals and if I do them, I feel safe. That stuck in my head and I think has been a little bit of something I have to check in on every now and again as I've evolved because yes, it was so beneficial for me on my fitness journey to be that rigid and that disciplined, but now sometimes when I try and let go a little bit or relax or sort of change the routine, I feel like my brain is screaming at me like, no, things have to be a certain way.

You have to be at your desk, nine to five. You have to check off all these boxes. You have to work out this way. You have to eat this way. You have to do this this way. There are family members of mine who have traits of this and I've seen it multi-generational and I think growing up we always called it, oh we're just a stressed, we're just stressy people or we're just anxious people, we're just always on edge. And now I feel like I see it so much clearer and I see it in myself. So that's something I have been working on with my therapist. And I'm kind of at the beginning of that because BPD was always so much more the issue that I didn't really get time to dedicate to it.

But my OCD kind of shows up more in like, um, brain locking, like I cannot let go of a thought and once I am on the thought, it runs through my head all day, legitimately, like every 30 seconds, even if I don't want to think about it. And I also get obsessed with fixing it. If I think something's an issue, my obsession with solving the problem immediately becomes just all I can see and all I can think about. And then obviously I've had a bit of like obsessive tendencies

with routine, with health and things like that. You guys know I am such a big fan of lab testing. I think it's so important to see what's going on in your body before entering a health journey, or even if you just want to optimize where you're at right now. And I personally love Function Health. It's comprehensive testing with personalized insights from top doctors. It's co-founded by Dr. Mark Hyman, who has been on my show before. He's incredible. And I really think this company is going to change the way we approach medicine. It has a hundred plus lab tests, biological age, Alzheimer's, stress, aging, cancer detection,

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muscle and this could be a really really helpful tool. All okay, how much do I need to eat in order to lose weight but keep my muscle? And this could be a really, really helpful tool. All you have to do is breathe into your lumen first thing in the morning and you'll know what's going on with your metabolism. It gives you a personalized nutrition plan for the day based on your measurements. You can also breathe into it before and after workouts and meals so you know exactly what's going on with your body. It can also track your cycle as well as the onset of menopause which I think is absolutely amazing and it adjusts your

recommendation to your metabolism based on those hormonal shifts. So if you want to take the next step in improving your health go to lumen.me.pao to get 15% off your lumen that is l-u-m-e-n.me.pao for 15% off your purchase. Thank you lumen for sponsoring this episode. That's the type of thing where I'm working on it with my therapist. I've ordered books, a book called Brain Lock, which is on the way right now. And I'm still learning tools specifically for that diagnosis. But I want to hop into the tools I use in general for someone,

even if you're listening and you don't resonate with these diagnoses or you don't have a diagnosis, you're just someone who maybe needs extra help showing up in your day positively, feeling your best, feeling mentally sound. These tools are going to be really beneficial for you as well. And these are just ways I've set my life up, I think, that have just greatly benefited me.

And as someone who, I feel like I'm always, if I don't take care of myself and I'm not proactive, I am someone who will slip into anxiety or depression or just not show up the way I want to. So the first tool is obviously therapy. I think that's such a big one and one that's been consistent for me. Even if I feel like I have nothing to talk about on a week, I hop on anyway and we end up having a productive session. I talk to her once a week, sometimes more. I'm also trying hypnotherapy right now, which has been really great for the obsessive-like tendencies. It's kind of like a meditation slash hypnotherapy.

Like she's really talking to me and I'm just like subconsciously listening. And that's been huge. The next bullet is optimal nutrition and whole foods. I have gone both ends of the spectrum when it comes to food. I've been someone who completely ignores nutrition, you know, has tons of sugar and caffeine and not nutrient dense foods. And I saw what that did to my mental health and to my body. And I think it really set me up for failure. I think when I was in the throes of my BPD

and I was not taking care of myself and drinking tons of alcohol and whatever, I really think it was exasperating the feelings I was already having. And then when I went on my fitness journey, upon switching to whole foods and eating salmon and blueberries and olive oil, things that were really benefiting my brain, like brain healthy food. I think I was just giving myself a leg up to work from,

like a much more even energy release and more even mood, the omegas my brain needed. I think nutrition is such a key part of mental health. I think it's a key part of absolutely everything. I also feel that way about exercise. I think the endorphins we get from exercise are so beneficial for someone who struggles with mental health or needs an extra boost.

It's also a very mindful practice. If you're lifting weights or doing Pilates, you're not on your phone, you're paying attention to your body, you're in the moment. I think there's so much benefit that can come from moving our bodies. Even if you just go on a walk, I think there's like brain scans online. You can look up at the way our brains light up when we go on a walk. It's just nothing compares. So I think getting

outside, exercise, sunshine, such serotonin boosters. I also think things like cold plunge or a cold shower, especially if you're someone who still goes through episodes or gets really emotionally dysregulated, that kind of thing could completely resets the body. Holding ice, putting your face in ice water, these are things that really like shock the system and help you get out of the headspace you're in. I really love red light therapy.

I think it's definitely physically beneficial but I think just sitting in front of it and having a moment of meditation is incredible. I always have it stacked because if you're just sitting in front of a red light, there's so many things you could be doing at the same time like reading or meditating. I always listen to my superhuman app activations because it puts me in the exact headspace I want to be

in. Let's say I'm public speaking that day. I actually did this when I went to Harvard. I'll play confidence boosting, getting in my own body, feeling good about myself, ready to perform type of affirmation or activation. There's so many like wake up feeling grateful, go to bed feeling grateful. There's even getting pregnant ones. There's going on a vacation. There's going on a night out. There's winding down.

There's so many different ones that could fit for you. I also just want to add guys, Mimi is a close friend of mine. She's the founder of Superhuman App and she gave us like such a good deal for power listeners. You can get a 14 day free trial. Highly recommend you try it if you're going through anything or just want to have a better start to your day. It's truly life changing and you can get over 60% off your membership if you use code POW.

I'll put the link in the description box for you guys. Genuinely, I wouldn't be talking about Superhuman app if I didn't think it was so beneficial. It has changed my life. And what I love is that you can listen to it in front of the red light, on a walk, getting ready for the day, driving in the car, whatever it may be.

So yeah, that's been life-changing. I would also say, and this is kind of funny, but like animals or pets. I think animals are just instinctually such calming, a calming presence for us. Like when I used to have my episodes, my therapist would tell me, go hold Lulu, like just listen to her breathing, pet her, just watch her exist. And it just is so calming. I used to just hold her when I was really going through it. I feel like I could cry thinking about it

because she's really been there for me through my absolute worst. And just this sense of peace and mindfulness when you're with an animal, I feel the same way when I'm on a horse or when I'm in my chicken coop. It just brings you back down to earth and reminds you of what's really important as well. So if there's anything you can

do, even if you don't have an animal at home, go be around them. I think it's so soothing and calming and gets you outside, gets you on a walk, whatever it may be, and get your phone away and just be with the animal you care about. With that said, I also think activities with no phone are so beneficial, like horseback riding for me, maybe biking, kayaking, swimming, things where you physically cannot be on your phone and you're just present in the activity you're doing and really paying attention. I think it's so crucial. Like when the feeling I get when I get off of a horse after an hour is just like a full brain reset,

serotonin boost on top of the world. And it could be anything. It could be hiking, any activity you enjoy, painting. Just push yourself to get out there and do an activity instead of scrolling or sitting at a desk or whatever it is. Make your weekend a time where you're doing these activities. I feel like it's so important for us as human beings to do things like this and slowly but

surely we're doing less and less of these fun activities. So I'd really encourage you guys. I think it's so good for the brain. And then also just being around supportive people, asking for help, sharing how you feel. I think for a long time I really self-isolated and had a hard time opening up to people because I didn't want to appear weak or crazy

or whatever my brain was telling me. But I think sharing and being around people, it also, I don't know, not in the same way it did in college when I was partying and like just doing anything not to be alone, but now being around other people brings a sense of calm and support that brings me a lot of joy in a very healthy, wholesome way. So that's the last tool I would say has really, really helped me. And again, I have good days and bad days. I still have moments where I really struggle with things, but I think in general, my resilience has improved so much.

There's pretty much anything you can throw at me. I know I'm gonna be able to handle in a pretty, you know, regulated way, which is such a triumph for someone who used to feel like I could be knocked off my feet by absolutely anything, the way someone looked at me or talked to me or just any interaction. I feel so much stronger in myself, so much more confident and grounded. And it's such a gift that I guess I've given myself through years of work and kind of honing in on this routine.

And I know for anyone listening, going through it or needing extra advice, like you got this, it just takes time. It takes repeated habits. And it's so, so worth it in the long run to feel good every single day and feel in control of your own emotions and feel a sense of freedom

and that you can handle what life is going to throw at you. So anyway, I love you guys so much. I hope you enjoyed the episode. Don't forget to hit follow or subscribe, whether you're on Spotify, Apple, YouTube, hit the subscribe button. We're posting about three times a week on Pursuit of Wellness right now. Leave a review if you enjoyed it. Let me know what you want to hear next and I'll see you on the next one. Bye. Thanks for joining us on the Pursuit of Wellness podcast. To support this show, please rate and review and share with your loved ones. If you want to be reminded of new episodes, click the subscribe button on your preferred podcast or video player. You can sign up for

my newsletter to receive my favorites at marieloellen.com. It will be linked in the show notes. This is a Wellness Loud production produced by Drake Peterson, Fiona Attucks and Kelly Kyle. This show is edited by Mike Fry and our video is recorded by Luis Vargas. You can also watch the full video of each episode on our YouTube channel at Mari Fitness. Love you, Power Girls and Power Boys. See you next time.

The content of this show is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for individual medical and mental health advice and does not constitute a provider-patient relationship. As always, talk to your doctor or health team.