Pursuit of Wellness - Neeloo Fathi on Her Near Death Bus Accident, PTSD, Ayahuasca and Microdosing, Her Relationship with Alcohol, and Learning to Embrace Self-Discovery.

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

Ep. #27 Today on the show we are joined by my friend Neeloo Fathi, who has an incredibly inspiring story of survival and perseverance after suffering a horrific accident in 2017 that forever altered the course of her life. After months of physical and mental challenges during her healing journey, Neeloo emerged from the experience with a new perspective on what values she prioritized to create a life worth living when tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. On this episode, we discuss the physical and mental impacts of her accident, overcoming trauma, changing her relationship with alcohol, embracing her immigrant roots, microdosing & anxiety, her Ayuahsca experience, the joys of solo travel and tips for women who want to travel alone, and so much more. I was so inspired by her story and think there are so many takeaways for anyone listening that is working to overcome trauma and rebuild their optimal life. For Mari’s Instagram click here! For Pursuit of Wellness Podcast’s Instagram click here! For Neeloo’s Instagram click here! For Neeloo’s podcast Order in Chaos click here! To shop Bloom Nutrition Greens click here!  To download Mari’s workout plan & recipes click here! Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode Go to http://www.lumedeodorant.com/POW to get $5 off your starter pack that’s over 40% off   Go to www.honeylove.com/POW to save 20% off   Go to www.primallypure.com/POW to get 15% off your order   Go to www.trybite.com/POW to get 20% off your first order See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Mari has grown her two fitness and nutrition brand. Co-founder of Bloom Nutrition. Forbes 30 under 30 list. A successful entrepreneur. Someone who has lost 90 pounds. Today's guest is Mari Llewellyn. Mari Llewellyn. My friend Mari. Welcome to the Pursuit of Wellness. What's up guys and welcome back to another episode of the Pursuit of Wellness podcast. I'm your host Mari and if you're new here, welcome to the Powell family. We're so excited to have you. This podcast has been such an amazing

journey, guys. I've learned so, so much from each and every guest, all different lessons. Today, I have a little bit of a different interview. I interviewed someone from my personal life, Nilou. Nilou is a close friend of mine. And after getting to know her, there was just something different about her. You could tell that she had this wisdom that not many other people have. And later I found out that she went through a life changing accident that completely changed who she was forever. I don't want to give too much away, but Nilou was close to death and it completely changed her perspective on life, on her body. And you can tell Nilou lives with such enthusiasm. And

she also speaks about her healing journey in this episode. We talk about ayahuasca, microdosing, her journey with alcohol and more. So I learn so much from Nilou every day and I think you guys are going to find so much value in this episode. I really hope you enjoy it. Just a reminder, I post episodes every Monday. Make sure you subscribe so you don't miss one and please leave a review. It means so much to me and helps me bring bigger and better guests for you guys. So without further ado, let's hop into the interview. I'm so excited to have my friend Nilou on the show today. We recently became friends and I've been so inspired by her story. In 2017, Nilou experienced a life-altering accident, which she was lucky to have survived. Now she's thriving and her love for life is infectious. I have so

many questions for her and I couldn't wait to have her on the pursuit of wellness. Nilou, thank you so much for coming on the show. Oh my god, thank you for having me. That was such a cute little intro. This is long awaited. I know it has been. We've been on many hikes and talked about this many times. We needed to be mic'd up so many times. So many times. We were like, let's stop talking because we need to say this on the podcast. There was like so many times I wanted to tell you more things. I was like, I was like I gotta wait and I gotta wait so it can be like the first time she hears it I'm excited for my audience to meet you because you really do have such an amazing story and I feel like you're someone that I can always reflect with we always get really deep together if you had to describe who you are and what you do to someone you don't

know what would you say I think there's two parts to it because there is a side of me that's like, you know, who I am from everything I've experienced. But then there's also the side of me that's like working and everything. So I think from like a professional standpoint, I would say I'm a social media manager, a creative, and also just someone who's really passionate about marketing. But then from like a personal standpoint, I think my passions lie within like health and wellness and just bettering myself and figuring out who I am and that journey and sharing that experience with people through either social media on my personal channel or my podcast that I had previously. And just always kind of being that voice for people who have gone through something as well.

Yeah. It's been really cool watching you grow. I mean, we've been friends for a little bit, but just even diving back on your social media and seeing that growth. How did you grow up? Where are you from? Like, what's the background? I grew up in a small suburb of Chicago. It's called Northbrook. It's the North Shore. If you're familiar with Mean Girls, my hometown is based on that movie. However, I did not grow up with the wealth that you see in that movie. I grew up with two immigrant parents. I'm a first generation Iranian American. And so I had a little bit of a chaotic childhood. I mean, it was a good childhood, but there is definitely just some things that go into being a first generation child that you experience. So I think growing up, I was always navigating and trying to figure out who I was. And I had this sense of, I don't know, like an identity loss

almost because I always felt like I wasn't necessarily American enough to fit in with some of my classmates, but I also didn't feel connected enough with my Iranian side either. So I always kind of felt like I didn't really belong. But growing up, you don't really like understand that. Like it took me getting to this age to like reflect back and realize what I was experiencing back then. Yeah. But then growing up, I went to Ohio State. I graduated high school, went to Ohio State, spent way too long in Columbus. Part of that was because of my accident. And then eventually moved back to Chicago. And now I'm finally in Los Angeles. I find the topic of being a child of immigrants so interesting. I moved from the UK when I was 10. Right. It was like a big part of my childhood to figuring out like, where do I fit in?

Yeah. How do you go about like tapping into that side of your culture? Like, what is that experience like, especially in LA? For sure. I feel like now that I'm older, I can look back and appreciate it more. And I, I want to learn more about it. And I think just even I, this past weekend, I went home to see my parents and just kind of talking to them about things and having my mom teach me about recipes and things that she like did for us growing up. I think there was also a sense of it where like they were trying to Americanize us for a lot of it. So it wasn't like, like our culture wasn't like completely there growing up.

But there is also like little bits and parts that they would always have, like with dishes and some traditions like the Persian New Year and things like that. But I think just finding ways to go back and like connect, whether it's like finding those like dishes that you loved as a child and like learning how to make them as an adult. But then also like for me, I speak Farsi, but not super well. So I know in Los Angeles, there's a very large Iranian Persian community. So I thought about taking classes again just to get like better at Farsi because I know with my aunts and uncles, I've always been made fun of to have like an Americanized accent kind of. So I've gotten like embarrassed to almost speak it. And even with my mom, like I only speak Farsi with my mom, but there's times where I like can't say the words correctly.

So she's like, what are you saying? So just kind of, you know, finding ways to connect back with it and also just learning more from my parents, things that I probably was almost like embarrassed by when I was younger. And now being like, okay, I almost feel like guilty that I felt that way when I was younger, but now I can appreciate it. It's almost like a part of the inner child journey. And you've been on the inner child journey, which I love. Yeah. And it's been so inspiring to see you do all that. Thank you. And tapping into those like elements of our

childhood that at the time we didn't appreciate or we didn't understand, like it still is a part of our identity now. And going back and exploring that can be really like therapeutic, I find. Yeah. So you recently hit the five-year mark of your accident. I did. Can you tell us more? Yeah. So I guess I'll just give everyone a little backstory on the accident. It's so, it always feels weird telling the story because it almost feels not real to me still.

And it's, I just, I don't know, it's such a crazy story. So five years ago, I was 23 at the time and I was working in Columbus, Ohio, downtown for a healthcare tech company. And I walked to work every single morning. Like it was nothing crazy, 10 minute walk. And this morning I literally remember so well, I was, and now I look back and I'm like all these little things in the timing that had lined up to this moment was just kind of crazy. But I was running late that morning and there was a shuttle service that I could take from my parking garage to get to my office. So I was trying to make it to the shuttle service. And as I was like walking to the stop, I just see the shuttle like leave. And I'm like, fuck, I'm going to be late. And so then I start walking. And I

remember like watching the walk sign counting down and I was like okay as soon as it hits zero I'm crossing the street I cross the street one way and then again I'm on the next corner and I start to cross the street and all of a sudden I just feel something hit me from my right side and the next thing I know I'm underneath a moving bus and I'm just like holy shit Like it was just something it felt time had slowed down. And I was just like, I'm going to die. Like this is the moment like this is it. There's no coming out of this. And then it just was like, if this bus stops and doesn't know that I'm underneath here or like if it keeps going and I make it out, the next car that comes is going to hit me.

So it was just for me, like in that moment, I thought like this was it. And then as soon as the bus had stopped, I basically just started screaming, like screaming for help because I didn't know if anyone knew that I was underneath there or whatnot. And then that's when I started to hear people like talking and like telling me that like help was coming and just trying to calm me down and like see what was going on. But I was still underneath the bus at this point. And I just remember like there was just so much like in that moment, you're in fight or flight.

So your adrenaline is just through the roof. I didn't feel any pain when I was underneath the bus. remember like there was just so much like in that moment you're in fight or flight so your adrenaline is just through the roof I didn't feel any pain when I was underneath the bus I was just like in shock almost and it kind of I was a lifeguard growing up so it kind of like took me back to like CPR and like my first aid and I was like okay like just go through your body parts like starting at my toes like what can you feel so I was just like okay I can wiggle my toes like that's a good sign and I just just kind of worked my way up. And then when I got to my pelvis area, I was like, okay, something definitely feels off here. And that's when I kind of was starting to freak out a little bit.

And then I just went back to like, okay, breathe. Just in and out. Breathe. Calm down. You're fine. And so just like kind of like really like I was in yoga at that point. So I just like took everything I learned from yoga. And I just was like, OK, just like breathe in and out.

You're fine. And then it felt like I was underneath there forever until the paramedics got there. And then when they finally pulled me out, that's like when all the pain was like, OK, I could feel it all. Like they had to flip me over to my back to get me on the stretcher and then took me in the ambulance, started like cutting off my clothes, connecting me to everything. And I just remember that point. I was like, am I going to die? Am I going to die? And then asking for in the ambulance, started like cutting off my clothes, connecting me to everything. And I just remember that point. I was like, am I going to die?

Am I going to die? And then asking for pain meds. Like I was just like something. We get to the hospital. And at this point, I'm pretty drugged up. So it's kind of a little hazy. But I had my friends kind of like tell me the story from their side. And basically they hadn't been able to tell my friends anything because they weren't family.

So at that point, my friends didn't know if I was dead or alive, and they were the ones who had to call my parents. And so they didn't know what to tell my parents, and my parents were in Chicago, and they were driving back to come get me basically and see what was going on. And finally, my friend's mom came to the hospital and was like, her parents need to know something. We need to tell them some update. At least tell us if she's alive and they're like okay she's alive but she's in like really bad condition we can have two of you guys come back here she needs to see a familiar face like she's gonna have to go into surgery and like you guys need to stay really calm and like not have any reactions when you see her and so then my friends came they talked to me

and they said like the whole time I just kept asking like am I gonna die and then they're like no and then I was like am I gonna walk again and at that point they weren like the whole time I just kept asking like, am I going to die? And then they're like, no. And then I was like, am I going to walk again? And at that point they weren't for sure. So they just like, she just like couldn't answer. And so she kind of just walked out of the room. And then basically going into the first surgery, it was, I had spinal fractures. So it was at that point where it was going to kind of like decide if I'd be paralyzed or not. And it was because I had burst in two of my fracture or in two of my like vertebrae that were really close to the spinal cord. And so just depending on the fusion and like how that surgery went, it kind of like determined. So like going into that first surgery was really scary because I was like, I could wake up and

like, I have no idea what's going to happen. Like, I don't know if like, I don't know why I kept thinking this, but are they going to cut my leg off or am I going to be paralyzed or how am I going to wake up? And so going into that first surgery was terrifying. First of all, the reaction you had when it first happened is incredible because I think most people would just be panicking upon sight. But the fact that you were able to go through your body parts and breathe is amazing. But also to have those thoughts of, am I coming out of this paralyzed? Am I going to lose a leg? Like, that is such a life-altering place to be in. How did the whole thing affect your mental health?

I think it's hard to tell because in those first, like, that first week, I was basically in ICU. And so I had so many, I was just was just like being pumped with drugs at that point. And it wasn't probably until like a little bit after that where I was like reflecting on everything. But I just remember feeling really scared and just being like just that like not knowing if you're going to wake up paralyzed or not. And like being conscious throughout all of that is just something that like I still like replay in my mind and have that's like a lot of my PTSD comes from those moments. But it was probably like after that first surgery when everything went well and then I had to do two more surgeries after that on my pelvis. But I just remember being so grateful, but then also still having like this sense of like sadness and anger and having like a really hard time understanding like, okay, I can still be really grateful that I'm alive, but still

be really angry at the situation and like grateful that, you know, I'm not paralyzed, but I still have this long road to recovery, but I was still feeling like angry too. So it was like these conflicting feelings and just emotions. So, I mean, it was definitely a lot. And I was just like trying to process it. And then it was a very weird time. What was the recovery process like and how long did it take? and stuff like that. The initial first month, so the first two weeks I was in the hospital, in the trauma unit and could not move at all. Like I was in a hospital bed completely just on my back, had a catheter in, I had to use a bedpan. Like that was humbling. Like having a nurse have to wipe your ass is like a humbling moment. And I had guy nurses at some points and I was like, yeah. And so I was just like, you know what? I mean, after going through that,

it's like maybe we can make it through a bed. Yes. Yes. So like I couldn't do anything. I could barely, if I wanted to turn, if I wanted to lift myself or anything like that, like I would have to have help. And so that part was really hard because for two weeks I'm just like sitting, staring at a wall in a hospital room. And all you have is your thoughts. And I was really, really lucky that I had so many people in my life who came to visit. And my family came and they stayed with me. And so I had like that support system. And that really helped get me through it.

But I just, I really feel for anyone who's had to go through anything in the hospital alone. Like I can't imagine that experience being alone. Especially I looked back at like COVID and people who had to like experience anything during that time. And I was like, it's so isolating as it is. So having a support system to be there for you, like was everything for me. And knowing you now, I feel like you're very busy. You stay active. You have a lot of hobbies. Like that must have been really challenging. Yeah. I remember being like, I will never take it for granted to be able to

work out again or just even do anything on my own again, even brushing my teeth or washing my face, anything like that. Like I couldn't do that for that period of my life. And so it was just the smallest things I'm so grateful for now. And I like think about it even now when I do it, I'm like, there was a time when I was like struggling to do this on my own. That was my next question. I was going to ask, how has this experience changed how you view your body and health in general? So I was in the hospital for two weeks and I was moved to rehab hospital for two weeks. And then I was in a wheelchair for about four or five months. And then during that time, I had lost

so much weight. Like I was really skinny and it wasn't like I was just like skinny, but my hips had like, I didn't look the way I used to look. Like I looked in the and it wasn't like I was just like skinny, but my hips had like, I didn't look the way I used to look. Like I looked in the mirror and I barely recognized my body and it just didn't feel like my body anymore. And I remember like the first time I got out of my wheelchair and like looked at myself in like a sports bra and underwear, just being like really sad. And just like at that moment, I was like, okay, this is more than just like a physical

recovery of like gaining my strength back. It's like, I'm also going to have to try and gain weight. And then it's like a mental recovery. But I think one thing that helped me kind of like learn to love my body again was I stopped viewing it on what it looked like physically. And I started to learn to love it based on like the ability that I had and everything that it had gotten me through. Like our bodies are constantly working so hard to keep us alive and give us all this like movement and do all these things for us. And we're able to do so much. And I think people take that for granted. And it's like, if you can focus and like love your body on what it's able to do versus what it looks like, you just start to appreciate it more.

And it helps a little bit with the confidence part because I definitely looked at myself in the mirror and I was like, I don't like the way I look. But then remembering like everything I had just gone through and that piece of it was really helpful to like learn to love my body again based on what it can do. That resonates with me so much. And I think everyone listening would is going to benefit from that advice because your story is the perfect example of our bodies are here to take care of us and get us through things like regardless of how we look like they're doing so much for us and it's it's really incredible we once had a conversation about would we take it back our trauma like if you could that's a really interesting topic because now you're saying that you have such a unique almost advantage because you do appreciate your body so much and you

appreciate life so much if you could would you take back what happened to you I always say no like I would never change what happened I feel like most and we've talked about this most people who've gone through trauma I think look back and they're they wouldn't change it because it's shaped them to who they are now and it's helped them progress to where they are in their life now and change their perspective on things. But I think part of that, at least for me, might be a little bit of a coping mechanism for, you know, I can't change what had happened. And so I either have to accept it and like love that experience and be grateful for what happened because of all the things that it's brought me now, or I'm always going to live in this mindset of regret or being upset or angry. So I think part of it is just saying, no, I wouldn't change it because it has brought so many benefits in my life

as far as my mindset, my perspective, and how I appreciate things. But of course, there's days where I'm like, okay, not having this back pain or, you know, not struggling with certain things or PTSD would be probably really nice. But I can't change that. So I don't want to even like go down that path of, you know, would I want to change it or not? What do you think with trauma? I know. I feel like we wouldn't be sitting here right now having this conversation and potentially

helping someone else if we hadn't gone through trauma. Yeah. conversation and potentially helping someone else if we hadn't gone through trauma yeah personally I feel like my trauma has really shaped who I am my identity my career the things I care about the way I treat other people and I feel like so much I've learned about you and how much you self-reflect and how much you emphasize like doing things for fun yeah Like you told me you picked up ice skating. Like that's so cool. And I just feel like you almost get a new appreciation for life when you almost have it taken away for sure. A hundred percent. And I also feel like when it comes to trauma, it has brought us to where we are now. And I don't know where I would be without it. Like,

I don't know who that person would have become. And I can't, I don't even know what my story would have been. And I love who I am now and I almost love my trauma. I feel like it builds character and I feel like it makes life a little bit more interesting. You know, there's a story to tell. So I feel like now I can appreciate it, but there's definitely days where it's not easy it's almost like rejecting that victim mentality and not letting it define you but it's a piece of your story so greg and i just got back from seattle we were pitching a retailer there and we're traveling a lot this year for these big meetings where we're meeting really important people. And for us, it's key to make sure we

are smelling fresh when we enter the room. And I did pack my bite toothpaste bits. You guys have heard me talk about this before, but I think this is such a genius product. Did you know we swallow about five to seven percent of our toothpaste every single time we brush. Plus most commercial toothpastes are filled with harsh chemicals, artificial flavors and preservatives. You guys know I'm super super ingredient conscious so I want to make sure I'm avoiding that. Plus I love how convenient bite is. You just pop a bit in your mouth, chew it up and start brushing. It will turn into the paste that you're used to with no plastic tube. So at first it's a little bit weird and difficult to get used to, but after a while you will become addicted. I literally cannot travel without it. Plus it comes in a super cute glass jar, which I love and looks so cute on the counter. And I really love the fact that the

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Plus, I love the fact that Honeylove is just as easy to put on as it is to take off. We all know that our long struggle to get shapewear off, it should not be that hard. Their products make you look good and feel good, whether it's for a wedding, an event, or an everyday confidence boost. Honeylove is the perfect plus one. Treat yourself to the best shapewear on the market and save 20 off at honeylove.com slash pow use our exclusive link to get 20 off that's honeylove.com slash pow So let's catch up to where we are now. We're in LA. Yes. How did you end up here? Do you have any tips for healing and how to get to where you are now? Yeah. I always dreamed of LA. Like when I was younger, I always dreamed of LA. Since high school, I always wanted to be in PR and events. And back in that time frame, it was more like magazine marketing versus like social media. Like I wanted to work for a magazine and do editorial stuff like that sense. And then as times changed,

I was more interested in social media. And during my recovery, I had a lot of time off from work. So I was able to, I was working in healthcare tech and I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. This is the last thing I want to be doing. And so that's when I was able to kind of look at what my passions were and really get more specific about what I wanted to do. And I knew it was going back to like social media and marketing and all the things that I used to love when I was in high school.

And so then I basically just started blogging on the side. It was actually the Skinny Confidential was like the first podcast I had listened to. Yeah. That really like taught me about social media and the importance of like having a personal brand. So I was like, OK, if I can build something for myself, then I can like use that as a tool to like sell myself to a company that I want to work for or like a brand that I want to work with or something. And so I kind of did that during my recovery period. And then since I had so much physical therapy to do, I stayed in Columbus for a really long time, but I always wanted to go to LA,

but I was a little scared to leave my doctors and everything. But finally I was ready to leave and then COVID happened. So I was like, okay, I'm too scared to go to LA where everything's shut down. I'm going to be alone. So I went back to Chicago where I was familiar, stayed there for about a year. And then when things kind of felt more normal in the world with everything, I was like, all right, let's just go to LA and like do this. And then I moved out

here and got, I guess what would have been my like dream job growing up. It was like what I always wanted to do. So now I'm here. And that's with Fanjoy, correct? Yeah. So I'm doing social media marketing with Fanjoy. And it's just likejoy, correct? Yeah. So I'm doing social media marketing with Fanjoy. And it's just like everything that I always, I guess, manifested as far as jobs go. But you also just have the most beautiful Instagram feed I've ever seen. Like Nilou's aesthetic, guys, is out of this world. Like we'll be on a hike or something with our friends and Nilou's like on the ground getting like beautiful shots and we're all trying to copy her like she really does have the best eye I love like I've always been into aesthetics and

photography and that type of stuff so I feel like it just has always been in me and so I love it now and I love that I can like use social media as that as well yeah I use I go back and forth as like how much I want to share on Instagram versus like even TikTok I'm more comfortable with. But I feel like Instagram is still a little bit like, okay, keep it a little more on the artsy side. But I think I eventually want to be able to open up more and share more and be more vulnerable on there. I feel like Instagram has become the resume of like personal brands. Like you don't want to be too out there on Instagram. Right.

Like your employers looking at it like it is kind of more important. personal brands. You don't want to be too out there on Instagram because your employer's looking at it. It is kind of more important. For some reason, TikTok has this energy where you can just do whatever you want. Yes. Except for now, more people are getting on TikTok where I'm like, okay, no. Yeah, you had a video go viral the other day. And it's always the videos that I don't want going viral that go viral. And they're embarrassing they're so cringy and they're so stupid I loved it it was wait how do I explain it it was me and Jess and we were like trying to manifest both our boys like texting us and so we like put on this video I don't even know what it was it was like a meditation manifestation for your literally for your crush texting you which is so dumb and we just like was like, let me just film this

and like get little clips. And then I like pieced it together. And I don't know if people were either making fun of us, I think half of it. And then half of it was like, I want to try this. I think everyone was wanting to try it, to be honest. I don't have a crush. I'm married, but I wanted to try it too. So in LA in general, how has it been making friends, dating? Let's like get into it, like finding people with the same values. Yeah. I think when I first moved out here, it was very challenging for me. I had a really hard time. I feel like mentally I was not in the best place. I also was in the stage of my life where I wanted to stop drinking as much. I didn't want that to be who I was still. And I feel like the people I first initially met were all

very like party people going out all the time. And so I kind of had to reel it back and be like, OK, I need to stop hanging out with these people. And just, you know, at that point, I was like, I didn't have friends. So I just hung out alone, which I was fine with. Like, I love being alone. I enjoy my time alone. And then obviously I met you guys. And I think Jess, I credit her a lot of it because she kind of took me under with her and found you guys who had a lot of the same interest and same just mindset that I had and I've been looking for those types of people and so I feel like that was really helpful and I don't think I could find those people even in the Midwest or when I was in

Ohio or Chicago definitely not that like that was not the vibe there. Everyone's drinking all the time. Everyone's like, that's all you have to do. So I feel like being in L.A., I've been able to find things that I'm passionate about and find new hobbies and be able to do things that just fulfill me more. What made you decide to stop drinking? What was the final straw? OK, so I remember right after my accident happened, I obviously wasn't drinking for that period for a while. And I had said to my friends and I remember being like, I don't think I want to drink again. Like I really don't, like I just want to take care of my body. I was so focused on recovery and just putting good things in my body and only things that would help my recovery. And for me, alcohol was not going to do that. And they were just like, what? No. And kind of didn't take

it seriously. And everyone in the Midwest, that's all you really do is drink. So I feel like for a while, I was good about keeping it chill. And then I went through a breakup. And then I kind of started to go out again and drink again. And then when I moved to LA, I was like, I don't like this. I don't like waking up hungover. I don't like doing things that I regret or texting boys that I don't want to text. Things that I just was like, what am I doing? And I had a hard time when I would go out to like limit it, to stop it. Like I would just kind of keep going and going and going. And I didn't really have an off button. And I was like, OK, this isn't this isn't what I want. This isn't who I am.

And so shutting that old person and then realizing, OK, I took a lot of time off to just be alone and kind of figure out what I wanted. And then that's when I also discovered microdosing. But, yeah. We should talk about that. We should talk about microdosing. But, yeah, I feel like I just – I didn't like who I was when I would get so drunk or when I would drink. And I didn't like how I felt the next day. And I didn't like the anxiety that came with it. I had so much anxiety. It was insane how bad it was. And so now I'm at a point where I'm fine. Like I can, you know, have a drink. It's

not like I'm sober, but I can go out and not hit that level of like craziness. But it took me a while and it took me a long break to kind of be like all right I can do this again anxiety is a very real thing it was awful like awful I can picture it right now that feeling of waking up and being like I just ruined the next three days in my life yeah because especially at our age how old are you 28 I'm 28 yeah we're not recovering for no at least three to four days at least least. And you just overthink everything. And you're like, everyone hates me. I hate myself. Why did I do this? It was just, what did I say to so-and-so? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a little better when you're in a relationship

because you're like, you can only do so much damage, but when you're single, it's like, you can go wild. And it's like, it's true, but it's difficult because I know for my single friends, they find it really challenging to go out on a date and not drink because you're nervous. Yeah. Which I understand. I went on my first sober date when I was living in Chicago. And I remember he was really cool about it. Like I just got, I ended up getting, I think it was like a CBD drink that they had on the menu. I got some other type of drink just to have, but that would be the biggest thing. I always had a drink in my hand that was just something to hold and something to like do with my hands when I was trying to like not go out and not drink, but still go out. I did the same

thing in college. I think a lot of people listening know this, but I had a wild college experience. Like I was the party girl. I feel like we probably would be friends in college. When I was researching you on social media, I could tell that we would have been in the exact same friend group. Definitely, definitely. I was trying to stop drinking as well because I was consistently embarrassing myself, falling down the stairs, things of that nature. And I went through a time where I would just get a drink

that looked like a drink, but it was full of like seltzer or Coke or something just so I could like feel like I was drinking with everyone else. And that is a pretty effective technique. As someone who works out frequently, I am super duper aware that armpits aren't the only place that can have odor. And that's why I'm so excited to tell you guys about Lume whole body deodorant for pits, privates and beyond. I love the fact that it was created by an OBGYN who clinically tested and discovered that the vagina is not to blame for the day-to-day odor below the belt. She formulated Lume, which is a uniquely formulated pH balanced deodorant. It's aluminum free, skin safe, and clinically proven

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Once you're convinced, use code POW for 15% off your Primally Pure purchase. That's www.primallypure.com. Use code POW at checkout for 15% off your order. That's www.primelypure.com slash pow for 15% off your order. Let's talk about microdosing. Yeah. You and I have touched on this briefly. How did you get into microdosing? Was it an LA thing? Like, where did you learn about it? It's so funny because I feel like everyone always is like, you're so LA, you're so LA when I bring up like crystals or this or whatever. But when I was living in Columbus, I was getting very into spiritual stuff because, and this always goes back to my accident, but when I was in the hospital, I was in so much pain and

nothing was working. Like the pain meds weren't strong enough. And I remember one of the nurses was like, well, we actually do have this thing called, I think it was healing hands. And she's like, it's an energy healer that we can bring into your room and she can like do some work on you. And I was like, I don't know what that is, but I will try anything at this point. And so she came in, it was almost like Reiki, I think similar where they're not really like touching you, but they're just like, I've seen it on TikTok. Yeah. And I felt amazing. Like it was the best thing ever. And so that's when I really got more spiritual with stuff. And then I took like a shocker course in Columbus. I got really into like crystals and just like meditation,

all that stuff when I was living in Columbus and Ohio at the time, like that was not, it was not really the norm. And so then I became really curious in ayahuasca like I was very very like I think this is what I need for my trauma and this is gonna like heal me and help me okay I was gonna ask about this is this when you went to Peru yes please tell us about Peru okay so I was living in Columbus at this point still I had just gotten out of a like pretty serious long relationship and I was navigating my trauma figuring out what to relationship and I was navigating my trauma figuring out what to do and I was like you know what I'm just for my birthday I'm gonna go to Peru alone and do ayahuasca finally the lady who I did the chakra course with knew someone in Peru

this like retreat center and recommended it to me and so I was like okay it'll be safe it'll be fine it was it was pretty westernized Like most people there were from like either America or there was someone from, I think, England, Ireland. So I felt pretty safe there. I wouldn't say like just go to Peru alone and like find, like do your research and everything. But for me, I was just always curious about plant medicine and always open to it. And so that was like my first experience with it. And I felt that was very healing in its own way, not necessarily for my accident. It ended up like bringing up more stuff with family relationships and just people in my life. And so I was able to view things in a different way as far as being more empathetic towards them.

And so that was my first experience with plant medicine. So I was always open to anything else after that, but I just never really had the resources of like where to get it or it wasn't very popular in the Midwest. So once I moved to LA, I realized like a lot more people were doing microdosing and mushrooms and everything. And so I found this company that I ended up getting some capsules from and started doing, I think I was pretty consistent. I was doing like three days on and then a few days off for a few weeks. And before I had started that process, I was like in a low, like my PTSD was at the worst it's ever been. I was at a point where I was just like, I don't even know how to deal with this anymore. It's unbearable. And it was kind of like, I'm just going to try this and like what, like I have

nothing else to lose at this point. And I think after the first month and a half, I noticed like a shift in my just energy and my motivation. I hadn't, I had been waking up with this, like, I don't know, almost like an elephant on your chest where you're just like anxious and doom and all that. And then I finally was feeling better. And I would, I credit a lot of it to the micro dosing. And I would say also probably not drinking as much. I think those two things combined really helped me. But I think that's the other thing with like mental health and just dealing with trauma. It's like, it goes in waves. There's times when you can feel great. And then, you know, you have that down period. It's like, you always have to do to do the work you have to like continuously work on it it's not like you do it once and it

goes away yeah it's just always something i know i'm gonna have to keep working on and like i can't just you know have a month of like meditating and then i'm good it's like you have to continuously work on it even when you feel good too i think that's the thing when people feel good they're like oh all my habits out the window i I don't need to do therapy. I don't need to meditate anymore because I feel good. Right. And then that dick dip. That dick. I'm just kidding. Let me say that again. And then that dip comes and you wish you had kept up with the habits you were doing before. What happens when you take ayahuasca? So that experience was very intense, but I like loved it. I love intense things. Like, I'm always here for it. Basically, you go, I was at a retreat center where you go into this

hut almost. I don't even know what it was called. I could probably show you a picture, but you have a mat, you have a little bucket for purging, and then there's a shaman. When you say purging, you mean throwing up? It's throwing up, but you're not really throwing anything up because you have such a light diet. You have to do, there's like two weeks where you're not really eating meat, you're not drinking. I think it's like no sex, no weed, like all that stuff. Like you really like kind of cleanse yourself for two weeks and then the day of your diet's really, really light. So you're not really throwing up a bunch of stuff. It's more of like, I don't know, I guess purging. Yeah. So there's a bucket for that. And then there's shaman, they do a ceremony, they do all these songs and it's very spiritual. And then you go up,

you drink the ayahuasca. Is it a tea? It's kind of like a tea. It doesn't taste the best, but I kind of. It's ayahuasca yeah yeah it's definitely like send this back I don't like it but so you go and like you have a cup and then if you want more you can go get more as well but basically it it was weird because I was towards the end of the line so everyone before me was like starting to feel it and I could like hear them purging and hear them like having their experiences but mine hadn't like hit so I was like what is going on oh I would be panicking yeah so I was like a little like I don't know and then finally I started it started working and then I went and got more and you just go through every emotion it's very like I was laughing at one point I was crying at

one point I was dancing like not like dancing dancing but like I was laughing at one point. I was crying at one point. I was dancing, like, not, like, dancing, dancing, but, like, I was just, like, moving. Literally, it was the weirdest thing ever. But I had a guy in my group who was, like, freaking out a little bit. And he came up to, he was walking around and he was like, I need a hug. I need a hug. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, this is not for me. Like, I'm not a big physical touch person, especially with strangers. So I was like, this man better not come near my mat.

Of course, he stops, like, right in front of my mat. And then the shaman, like, got him and he was fine. So some people had, like, that type of experience. Mine was very, like, within my own mat, like, just kind of in my head. And there's some strong visuals. I wasn't, like, hallucinating crazy amounts. I think it's also your first time. Sometimes you don't fully, like, let go or go into it. So I think that's why I want to do it again.

But I would say it's definitely intense. And then when you come down from it, it's very everyone kind of came to the middle. It's almost communal. There was like fruit and you like eat with each other. Oh, it was cute. And people are like talking about their experiences and everything. And then the next day I went to Machu Picchu and I was like, what is what is life? But it was cute and people are like talking about their experiences and everything and then the next day i went to machu picchu and i was just like what is what is life but it was it was a good experience the fact that you even traveled by yourself i love traveling by myself can you give because i would be terrified to do that i think everyone should travel alone can you give us some tips because i think a lot of the women listening myself included it sounds incredible but i would have a really hard time doing it. Tell us some tips. I think safety-wise, it's definitely

a little scary. You have to be super careful, do your research, and always have someone that knows where you are at all times, someone that you can send your information to and all that stuff. But as far as just traveling alone, aside from the safety part of it, I think it can be really rewarding because you just have this sense of like independence and it almost feels like you can do anything. And you're just it has built my confidence up so much because I'm like, I know I can go on a trip alone in a different country, get myself around and meet new people, make friends. Like just being able to do all those things is so rewarding to me and just makes me feel so happy and fulfilled and just learning new cultures. But I would say just finding a city.

I would start with a city that you either know the language or they speak English. So I did Peru, which I know a little bit of Spanish enough to like get through. And then the other cities I've done, Amsterdam, so many people there speak English. I mean, obviously, you could do England or Australia, New Zealand, those types of cities to start with just for your first time. So it's easy. It's not as scary. It would definitely be a lot harder to go to a country you don't speak any of the language. But even if you, like I stayed in a hostel the first time that I ever traveled alone,

and you just can meet new friends. You can meet other people traveling alone. But you definitely have to be careful with the safety stuff. But I think it's really fulfilling in the sense of being able to just like learn more about yourself. And also I like it because you are on your own schedule. You don't have to worry about what anyone else wants to do. You can do what you want to do. You can interact with people when you want to, and then you can kind of like go back and be alone when you want to. I feel like it would be such a great thing to do for independence because I find

sometimes I've been with my husband, Greg, for such a great thing to do for independence because I find sometimes I've been with my husband, Greg, for such a long time that I rely on him for so many things that I almost forget how to do them. So I think going on a trip and just putting yourself out there is one of the best things you could do for confidence and independence. Oh my gosh, for sure. And maybe even start small, like maybe start with going on a date alone, like taking yourself out to a restaurant and eating alone. Just get comfortable with being by yourself. And even like going to the movies alone, like that's a great place to start because it's like dark. No one's paying attention to you. And then maybe you go to a restaurant alone and then maybe you go to a little road trip that's

like nearby and you don't have to like go to a different country. Like that is definitely an intense like solo travel. But I think if you're down for it, you should definitely try it. Amazing. So Nilou, now it's the time for the question that we ask every guest. I started this podcast because I believe everyone's pursuit of wellness looks different. What does wellness mean to you? Wellness to me, I would say means continuously bettering myself and finding ways that I can just achieve things that make me happy and fulfilling my own self-purpose and whether that's you know health as far as like food and nutrition or fitness but it's just like a combination of all those things to continuously better myself I guess I love that

where can people find you online where can people listen to your podcast so you can find me online on instagram at neeloofathi n-e-e-l-o-o-f-a-t-h-i my tiktok is currently under my like fake name which is at loonie underscore l-o-o-n-e-e underscore I'm thinking about changing it to just my normal name again I started it I love loonie I know I started it because I was like trying to be like you know don't find me But now I will say when I try to find you, I can't find you. Okay, good. That's good. I was like, I don't want people to know who I am on here. I don't want like people from high school or like college finding me. That's the thing about Instagram. It's like so many people from like my past life. I feel like

follow me that it's hard to kind of start to do the things I want to do on there. Okay, so as far as the podcast, I'm starting a new podcast. The name is Order and Chaos. I feel like I'm someone who's just always said that I've thrived in chaos and I don't think that's necessarily a good thing. I think that comes from trauma, but I've been able to find ways to kind of create balance and find order in that.

And so I think that's where the name comes from. I'm so excited to listen. Thank you so much, Neelu. It was amazing to hear more about your story. Thank you so much that's where the name comes from. I'm so excited to listen. Thank you so much, Nilou. It was amazing to hear more about your story. Thank you so much for having me. I love you. Thank you for listening to today's episode. Go comment on my last Instagram at Mari Llewellyn with the guest you want to see next. I'll be picking one person from the comments to send our bloom greens to. Make sure you hit follow so you never miss my weekly episodes. If you enjoyed the conversation, be sure to share and leave a review.

See you next week.