QAA Podcast - Premium Episode 211: Jake’s Takes Volume Two (Sample)

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

We got a hot one folks, and I mean literally. Join us for the second episode of our anti-QAA podcast, where Julian, Jake, and Liv attempt to make sense of our listener’s favorite YouTube clips, Conspiracy Theories, and popular culture mainstays. Listen with glee as our beloved listeners set trap after trap for poor old Jake, tricking him into platforming only the worst content – and demand his take on it as well. The gang covers everything from promisingly pilled YA novels to William Shatner’s singing and smoking habits. But mostly Jake just remembers embarrassing stories from his teenage years while Julian and Liv make fun of him. Subscribe for $5 a month to get an extra episode of QAA every week + access to ongoing series like 'Manclan' and 'Trickle Down': http://www.patreon.com/QAnonAnonymous QAA's Website: https://qanonanonymous.com Music by Pontus Berghe. Editing by Corey Klotz.

What's up QAA listeners? The fun games have begun. I found a way to connect to the internet. I'm sorry, boy. When I was probably like 11 or 12 years old, we used to steal Marlboro red cigarettes from my buddy's dad who was a Vietnam vet. and you know where we would go you know where we would go to smoke them

we would go to the elementary school that is that we went to we waited we that is cursed because you're just like you're just watching your buddy's dad be like Charlie's been stealing my smokes lately you know he's like spiraling down. We did so many bad things at that at that boy's house that we his dad

his dad kept his like carbine rifle it was like a wooden rifle that was in like a bag that was like his Vietnam his Vietnam rifle or whatever, and we would go into the basement and take it out and play, like, full on just play with it. Like, didn't know if it was loaded,

didn't know anything. Just, like, definitely, definitely not good. Yeah, and we stole his siggies, and we would ride over on our skateboards to the elementary school, and the elementary school would get out, so the playground would be kind of vacant, and we would, like, find a shady spot

to, like, sit on our skateboards and smoke cigarettes. I remember getting so buzzed and being like, oh, I am, like, definitely the coolest person at this elementary school. school. I remember I remember trying to get weed when I was like a teenager and we didn't find weed. And so me and my friend took cloves and took off the filter and just like fucking smoked him like as hard as possible to try to get high. And we were so sick, dude. I was

he was puking. I felt so bad. Really turned on us. I think the only reason I stopped smoking cigarettes is because it affects estrogen absorption. I was like, that's enough. Yeah, you were like, these, no. Cancer, no. These siggies are getting in the way of my future. So does that work, does that work for people who are not on, like, the treatment? Like, would it also block estrogen or whatever?

Oh, maybe. I think it relates to, like, literally it dissolving in your, like, digestive tract, but maybe it affects, like, cis women, too, like, it lowers their estrogen. Hmm, that's interesting. Yeah, I hadn't thought about that. I mean, it's lowering everything. It's made my dick, like, half the size, I think. Yeah, I mean, I mean,

Look, look, I, you know, I'm probably at a, I would say a 24% bald and my brother, my younger brother basically has like a 24. I'm like 24% bald. And my. It's like the oblivion slider. Yeah. It might be less. It might be less. I might be overblowing it a little bit.

But like my brother, who's only two years younger than me. Thank God you've got maxed charisma. Never smoked. Never smoked. His hair, it looks fucking great. Yeah? But you think it's that? Yeah.

What I was going to say is because you're such a high-tie individual. I don't know. Yeah. Sometimes I don't feel like a high-te... You're extremely aggressive. A high-te guy. Yeah, it's hard when we go out, because you always want to fight guys at, like, the bar. No, no, no, no.

But, I mean, I think I've told you, I've told you both this story on the pod, but, like, I switched up my, like, hair medication. I switched to, like, a new product. And ever since I did that, because I saw the product through a targeted Instagram ad. And I clicked on it and I bought it. And ever since then, they have been sending me just the saddest targeted. It's like shoes that make you two and a half inches taller and like, you know, boner pills. And we figure this guy, this guy's got no hair.

His dick doesn't work. Oh, yes. His shoes are broken. His pants are probably down. We're about to make a million dollars. I just got one the other day that was like, Benny and Sam's like boutique. And it's like close for guys five, eight and under. And so they're like, okay, they're like, this man, this man is losing his hair.

His, his dick doesn't work. He wants to be, he wants to be taller and he needs a higher T. I'm getting those, those targeted ads as well. It is true that it is like a whole, you know, it's like a white space that people haven't exploded enough, you know, they do the big and tall, but what about the big and short? Yeah. What about the Danny DeVito's of this world? Danny probably has his own clothe year, you know, who, you know, makes custom stuff.

I have a really embarrassing story when I was in either junior, I believe it was junior high. It must have been. I don't think it was in high school. You know, we were pranky bad kids in the way that, you know, I would, you know, I hung out with a group of, like, kind of bullies that my father suggested that I be friends so that they would stop making fun of me, which was. So you were like a copo? It was like not, yeah, it was like not the best advice. I mean, my dad usually gives, like, really, really good advice. But this was not the best because then I ended up being the lowest tier in, like, the bully friend group. So I still got bullied, but I was bullied as an in-group as opposed to an out-group.

Your dad was reading Sun Tzu's The Art of War. Keep your enemies closer. Yes, yes, yes. Did you use, like, the defense mechanism where you're like, oh, you're making fun of me? I'm going to make fun of myself even more. Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. years and decades of self-deprecating self-deprecating humor

that like you know that I've learned like through therapy over time like you forget that you were using it as a defense mechanism and you actually just believe it about yourself now it's like just like seeing a guy at the end of the hall you know and just immediately like hey I'm a faggot you know no need to beat me up I already know

no need to call me that because I already know I am and I've humiliation I ameliorated myself in front of everybody. In fact, my laces aren't tied. I just tripped and, oh, smashed my own face into the locker. I remember this one horrible. So I transferred schools when I was like, I don't know, probably in fourth grade, which is really tough. Because fourth grade is kind of when the friend groups are starting to form.

So I was a new kid in a new school. The kids were, like, much more independent in the town that we moved to. Most of my friends are fourth graders. And I remember, I remember sitting in class, like going to school the first day. and you know the teacher is like doing the introduction like by the way we have like a new student I was like okay here it goes like she's gonna say my name like I gotta do something first impressions are everything I was like I know I'm funny I was like I know I'm funny I'll do a funny little bell do a funny little bit no don't do the tight five so she called my name and she was like she was like and our new student Jake boop and I did whoa that's crazy your last name is the N word I I didn't want to lie and have her say, Jake Rogatansky, no.

And I put my hand up and did, like, what I thought was an impression of, like, the Princess Die wave, where I kind of, like, looked around and did this, like, kind of, you know, Little Lord Fauntle-Roy-style wave. I thought it was really funny in the moment. No laughter, nothing.

No reaction whatsoever. I had to lower my hand. I had to lower my hand in total silence. On a little Lord Fauntleroy wave? I was just trying to do, like, in my imagination was that, here's what I was thinking in my head. Okay. I was like, I'm lowest on the totem pole. I'm new kid.

I'm not super athletic. Like, my family isn't super wealthy, so, like, I don't have, like, the cool, I don't have, like, the stoosey shit. You know, I don't have the ginkos. I don't have the cool stuff that other kids. You don't have the airwalk shoes or whatever. And so I was like, the joke is that I wave like I'm some kind of royalty, and the irony is what's funny about it. Wait, you were in fourth grade thinking all this? Too complicated a joke.

That's a very layered comedian for that age. Yes, of course. I'm a funny guy. I think the whole thing is just realizing that there's no totem pole. You know, you gotta, you gotta think beyond the totem pole. So I've been watching Matthew McConaughey yell at me. Oh yeah, I watched a little bit of that last night on this on your stream. Oh my God, he's doing Tony Robbins with Tony Robbins.

Like he's doing. Yeah, it's wild. And he's in like a Professor Xavier like orb with like Zoom people all around him. And he looks bad. He looks haggard. He looks like he washed up, like, on a beach somewhere. Yeah. And it's really embarrassing.

It's fucking embarrassing. It's like this weird pseudo-spiritual grift where you realize that the whole format's actually evangelical, but it's a form of weird secular evangelical self-help stuff. That's so bizarre. And the weird thing is that these days, everyone's kind of looped around, right? They're like, they went from liberal to basically kind of like right-wing Christians. And so he's becoming Christian again, even though he's doing like this weird. secular Tony Robbins stuff and I think Tony Robbins is also he had a bunch of sexual harassment

stuff and he's like a monstrous individual and uh yeah Matthew McCannie and he made this book he wrote this fucking book called like Green Lights and this guy is like an 80s hair metal type idiot like where he everything is just car stuff he's like we got to have your hand on the accelerator and then you'll be in third gear before you know it you're uh the winds in your hair you're on the highway and then you don't want the green light because if you have the red light it'll sometimes you'll stop completely. Yeah. The amount of fame and sort of clout that we ascribe to actors, I think is a really bad thing

because on the one hand, you have- Actors should be treated as what they are, menaces. Yeah, yeah. They're menaces. On the one hand, you have Matthew McConaughey who created, I think, maybe one of my favorite and most poignant moments in any movie in the last like 20 years, which, of course. The shot where Magic Mike finally gets naked. No. No, it's the scene

It's the scene in Interstellar Where he watches the videos That his kids have been sending And they grow up over time And he starts sobbing And you can't help Even just, even just like Now as I'm imagining the scene

And sort of telling it to you Like I can feel myself getting emotional Because he is so good But then he's yeah He's in this weird Professor X Like Zoom room Just doing like basic Like phony bullshit actor stuff

Where it's literally It's literally stuff like Life, it's like a good ball cap, okay? You put it on. Yeah, straight up. You put it on, and it covers your head. But only for so long, only for, after a while, you get dirt in there. You get hair in there.

You get sweat running down your forehead. And you know what you got to do? What do you got to do? You got to change hats. You have been listening to a sample of a premium episode of QAnon Anonymous. We don't run any advertising on the show, and we'd like to keep it that way. For five bucks a month, you'll get access to this episode, a new one each week, and our entire library of premium episodes. So head on over to patreon.com slash QAnonanonymous and subscribe.

Thank you. Thanks. I love you. Jake loves you. You know,