Quick Question with Soren and Daniel - A Very Special Father’s Day

Episode Date: June 17, 2022

Daniel and Soren give their best fatherly gripes (for pets and humans!).  And as always big thanks to our sponsors.  Shop with confidence — get Honey for FREE at JoinHoney.com/qq . Go to Shopify.com/qq for a FREE fourteen-day trial and get full access to Shopify’s entire suite of features. Go to CreditKarma.com or the Credit Karma app to find the card for you. 

I've got a quick, quick question for you, alright? I wanna hear your thoughts, I wanna know what's on your mind I've got a quick, quick question for you, alright? The answer's not important, I'm just glad that we could talk tonight So what's your favourite? Who did you get? When do I be remembered? What's it all good? Where did all the good things go? Oh, forget it.

Saw a movie, Daniel O'Brien. Two best friends and comedy writers. If there's an answer, they're gonna find it. I think you'll have a great time here. I think you'll have a great time here. So hello again and welcome to another episode of Quick Question with Soren and Daniel, the podcast where our two best friends and comedy writers ask each other questions and give each other answers. I am one half of that podcast, senior writer for Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, author

of How to Fight Presidents, and once again, student of golf, Daniel O'Brien, joined as always by my co-host on a very special Father's Day weekend episode of the show. Happy Father's Day, Mr. Soren Bui. Soren, say hello. Hey, everybody. It's me, Soren Bui, your father. I write for a show called American Dad. And honestly, this should be our biggest holiday on our show. And it just gets no

love at all. Yeah, that's a shame. In your time, have you guys done a Father's Day episode? Yes. No, I mean, I was on the show, but I have my encyclopedic knowledge of all

344 episodes that we've done. It's right there in my head. Yeah, I know that there's definitely an episode where Stan doesn't get the Father's Day he wants, so he keeps erasing his family's memory so that they have to do it again. They think that it's Father's Day again, and they just keep doing it for a very long time.

Excellent. There are not a lot of Father's Day episodes of television are there very few um that's fair i mean it's not it's kind of a bullshit holiday mother's day you're really celebrating yeah the tacit agreement is you're celebrating the person who basically pulls you out of their own body right Right. That's what the big theme is. But Father's Day, there's not a ton to celebrate. I'm not saying that dads are bad or that you don't

need a father in your life. I think that's all really valuable stuff. But it'd be like having a friendship day or something like that. It's like, here's this person who's really important to you your entire life. I have not met a father who cares about father's day i don't think i don't like even checking in with new and less than new fathers at like the office being like oh how was your father's day i was like yeah i mean we went to the beach or it's like it's usually like a like a like a normal family sunday thing to do and like the kids made cards yeah like all right cool i'm sorry i asked yeah they're my in our family it's i get to i get to do whatever i want that day and when i say whatever i want i mean the obvious limitations i get a sandwich from the place that i like wait is

father's day the time where you uh got high in a graveyard or something? No, that was a different treat. That was a Tuesday. I do feel like I remember there being like a reward basis for that experience. Yeah, it was. That was, I think, after i'd gotten my appendectomy and everything which did happen on father's day oh and i was like getting back in the clear of things i had broken my toe and gotten an appendectomy within like a week of each other uh and then

like as things were kind of like slowing down at work and everything i thought i deserve to go to this graveyard and drink a can did that a high boy can uh but uh no that's not i didn't do that for father's day father's day is for me well leading up to father's day i i do a bit with my son where i pull him aside and very seriously talk to him about how he's going to need to buy me something expensive and how important it is that it's expensive. It doesn't matter what it is as long as it costs a great deal to him. Like it puts him out. And then on the day itself, I get to sleep in a little bit. I get to eat the sandwich that I want.

And at some point that day, probably while Gilly is napping, I will watch a movie, a movie of my choosing. Yeah. And then maybe I could do a review for you or something yeah which i mean if you ever want a review of the accountant i've finally seen it and i could i could give you like a great letterbox type thing uh hey man i hate to do this but uh uh pass thank you pass have you seen that movie no oh okay well you don't have to it's it's fine because your review was going to be so thorough

and it's going to really like put me in the seat. Yeah, I mean, and a lot of spoilers too. Let's thank Honey for sponsoring this episode. These days, it feels like online shopping is the only shopping we really do. That's where Honey comes in. It's the free browser extension that scours the internet for promo codes

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go to shopify.com slash QQ. Please join us in thanking Credit Karma for supporting Quick Question. Create your own karma. Ready to find the card for you? Head to creditkarma.com or the Credit Karma app and check out your personalized mix of offers today. Now, I don't want to gloss over. Speaking of dad stuff, you're not a golfer. I really, I don't want to be a great golfer.

But I went, I did like a real 18 holes this past weekend with my brother and a friend of ours, this guy Danny. And it was like, like I woke up at 5 a.m. to make our tea time. And it was a full four hour affair. It's not like, it's not like pro golf. It's still, we're not in a country club or anything like that, but it's more than like a pitch and putt. It's, you're going anywhere from 114 to 500 yards is the distance from the tee to the hole. yards is the distance from the tee to the hole and i have like my clubs and i'm using all my clubs and i can get a lot of enjoyment in golf i'm just so bad at it and the thing that what i want to be able to do is just i'm not i'm not going to be as good as my my brother and dad the two people in

my family who play all the time and have have really studied it and gotten very good at it. I'm not going to be that. I'm not going to... I don't want to be competitive. slowly marching down the course like getting 50 yards at a time on these 500 yard holes where like my brother and this guy danny can like their first shot off the tee they're like all right that's flying and it's sailing and they get to go together to where their balls ended up and i'm like all right i'll be i'm glad we have a second golf cart for me because I'm I'm working at a completely different pace and like I'm not giving up every hole or anything like that but it's also my scores are never going to count because it's

like all right I got it in uh mark me down for 19 on that one right right but I'd like to I would like to at the very very least like participate on that level and just feel like I'm not muscling down the the course every time if I can get someone who could just like really just teach me how to drive I'm okay if I'm not a good putter or and I'm not great at like chipping from the whatever onto the green once I get closer. I just want that first drive to be competent. Yeah, you want to crush the ball and have it go straight. Yeah, and it's tough because every once in a while I can, and I don't know how I did that.

And also whenever I'm... I've done golf so infrequently that I'm I'm thinking about too many things nothing about it has become natural yet so it feels like when I'm I'm about to tee off it's like straighten your neck relax this this distance make sure you follow through don't take your eye off the ball until it's in the air do this with your arms bring Bring this back. And like the same way that you're learning any physical thing where it hasn't entered a flow state for you yet. And it's just like I have to remember to do nine things simultaneously. It just feels too much at this point. But I like it.

I agree. I played golf last winter for the first time in years. I mean, I used to work on golf courses as a kid and then played. And I was so overtaken by the joy of sport that I was like, oh my God, like this is, I've been missing this. I've been missing this this whole time. I think I love golf. And it turned out I had just loved organized sport and hadn't played it in six years, like any sort of sport. Um, but golf is great. I mean,

golf is like a good, it's a good fun speed. You are really just playing against yourself. I understand the feeling of being somebody's very literally in your case, the little brother tagging along. Um, where you're like, I don't count.

And yeah. And like, don't get it wrong. It is still very much fun and I want to do it again and I'm glad I did it but I also like I want to be better at it

I think that's ever I mean I think that there are people who probably play 10 times a year and at the end of the year they're like fuck I wish I knew where the ball was going gonna go when i was driving it like that it never really happens at some point you can get better and better and like your swing can get focused in you get that polished work that you're talking about where you don't you're not thinking about it every step but

automatically you're gonna be like if you hit the ball from the approach near the green you're like oh this will be easy i'll just chip it and the ball just sails over the green you're going to be like, you hit the ball from the approach near the green. You're like, oh, this will be easy. I'll just chip it. And the ball just sails over the green. You're like, what the fuck happened there? How did that happen? I can't remember if I've talked about this before, but one of the ways that I know that I'm doing this wrong, and I think another reason that it feels like a tougher experience for me is that i'm using uh not to brag because i suck at this i'm using all strength whenever i'm getting that ball any kind of yards it's because i'm

swinging like a low baseball bat as hard as i can and relying on like my arm and back muscles, I guess, to like shove push this thing down the course. And I know, and you watch any golfer, there are so many golfers that are not in any kind of shape. And it looks like the easiest thing in the world because, and everyone says, your, your body's doing the work, your hips doing the work, the club is doing the work, and you're just like swinging it and momentum is going drive you there you're not getting like like the best golfers are not like fucking bodybuilders or anything like that who could just like power it down the field they just know how to do it better and i've right i've seen this at like i've gone to driving ranges and i don't go to driving ranges often for this exact reason i am so noticeably bad at it that strangers come

and help me and i don't want that i want to take a lesson and like like really ask my questions but if i'm at a driving range i really do just kind of want to be bad for as much time as i feel like being bad but i'm so bad out loud that like pros who do charge for this are like, Hey, listen, I have to stop you. Yeah. I will do this for free because I just,

it's so accosting to my senses. I need to fix it in you. I think I can help you have more fun. And also I think you're doing real damage to your shoulders. Uh, yeah. I mean, I was watching these pros who were like 60 years old i'm watching these pros

who were like 60 years old and he's using my clubs with one hand and he's like just like this and he's like swinging it as gingerly as i've ever seen anyone swing anything and just driving that ball 200 yards. And I'm, you know, bursting blood vessels in my face and sweating like no one else on the, on the golf course. So I know there's a, like a gentle way that I'm, I'm not doing it right. I, I, yeah, I mean, I, I'm with you. I, I will have an important question for you. Was there any a point, was there ever a point during the game where you drove further than everybody else? Yeah. Uh, no. Uh, I don't know if I, I'm trying to remember the hole. It was, I didn't drive further than anyone else, but it was the only time, it was one of the shorter holes and I made it to the green from

drive and the other guys didn't, but that's because they, they shot over the green because they had better, better at golf than I am. I, so I played, I guess I played a lot. I shouldn't even say a lot. I used to play when I worked on golf courses. And that was maybe like over a summer where I'd be working on the course, I'd play maybe three times. And then when I was young, my dad was really insistent on like getting us to have good form, like teaching us how to swing a club at every single step, you know, like a half swing when you're close and that kind of stuff. And so I had the fundamentals there.

And I, but I hadn't played in maybe, I think, until this last Christmas. I hadn't played for like 11, maybe 12 years. And got out there and I was like, oh, no, this is going to be, I'm warning everyone, I'm like, this is going to be rough. And on my first drive, I crushed the ball so far that everyone was mad. Like they thought I was sandbagging them in a way that, you know,

kids do sometimes they're like, no, I'm really bad at this. I'm really bad at this. Cause they want to show off. Yeah. And, uh,

I, I just blew this ball out of orbit. Like it's shot it into the sun. And they were like, what are you doing? It's like, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, just wait. And the rest of the game, obviously I was terrible. Every other step, step of the way, even on the other rest of the game, obviously I was terrible. Every other step, step of the way, even on the other holes where I drive, sometimes I drive it and it'd go, it would pop up in there and go 10 feet or other times it would careen off to the left.

But just having a, every once in a while, a drive where I was just killing everybody else. I was like, that's enough. I don't need to win. I don't need to get out the hole, the ball in the hole at this point. I'm done with this hole. I can't crush that ball you just wanted to like i i guess what i want i want it to look like golf when i'm playing golf i want it to look and sound like that and not just okay you you had hit like a a low line drive 70 yards so and i just keep doing that i'm hitting it straight but i'm hitting it like these these low almost grounders marching down the field it's like this isn't what what golf looks like i just want to make it look like golf and feel like i'm golfing because the few times that i do it feels fucking amazing it feels great and i get the same kind of bizarre confidence

that i get when i play pool where like i'm bad and i'm bad and I'm bad. One thing goes right. And I'm like, maybe, do you think, do you think something, do you think I'm good at this now? Do you think, is it maybe, was that just, was the first half of this golf outing, was that like the end of my 10,000 hours and now I'm good all of a sudden? I didn't, I wasn't logging my time, but that might be it. I think after every single shot

that goes well when you play golf from now on a good bit would be to go i'm back baby it's it's very tough because like the times that something does go well when i can really drive it uh and my brother and danny are like yeah nice there it is they're very encouraging they're the best guys in the world to golf with. I still like quietly in my head, I'm like, but that's what I'm trying to do every time. That's what I can't. That's how I can't make the puzzle pieces of golf fit yet is that I always think I'm doing the same thing. And sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't no i get it you no longer have to search for coupon codes online thanks to honey it's a thing

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Start selling on Shopify today. Go to Shopify.com slash QQ right now. I get it completely. It's also like the most maddening, frustrating game in the world. Yeah. For a while, we had all kinds of time and all kinds of space. And then these golf bros came up behind us and asked if we could be faster

we just said no and we just like continued golf and we didn't let them play through or anything like that we just did whatever we can to put it out of our heads but like my brother was saying after that no one in the history of golf has played better after being told can you play faster just like a shit thing

to say to someone that's oh that's so frustrating it's also like a huge etiquette breach what you do is you if you're like backing if you're up against somebody you like pretend like you've got other stuff to do you take a little bathroom break but you make it yourself conspicuous to them and eventually they will say to you hey do you guys want to play through? Seems like you're up against the back of us. But you never come up and you're like, hey, could you guys maybe wrap up this hole a little quicker? Do you think you can play faster?

Can you just, in fewer strokes, can you get the ball in the hole? No, we're focusing on just like the time spent on course today. That's sort of what we're training. You know how like some days you do like speed and accuracy? Well, we're just doing time on course. It's endurance day for us at the course. This is really more of a cart workshop for us.

We're actually doing one through 18 and then 18 to one. We're doing doubles today. We're doing one through 18 and then 18 to one. We're doing doubles today. That's the thing about golf that I really struggle with, though, is that now that I am a family man and my time is accounted for at all times. If I'm going to do something selfish in my own, I'm going to have to give somewhere else where I ordinarily wouldn't. And golf takes up so much time. It's unlike any other sport in that you go for your tee time and you're going to be out

there for four and a half hours. Yeah. Yeah. It's, I think one of the good things about about i guess it's not even a good thing about golf good thing for us is is like a 7 a.m tea time and then it's like oh good now it's 11 o'clock now i have the whole rest of the day to be fucking exhausted yeah but speaking of fathers still i got a father's day quick question for you soren

you know the accountant has a lot of father uh plot lines kind of running through it and like the idea of family and father is this about the accountant no damn okay i'm curious if in fatherhood you developed a dad voice for disciplining your kids or a different dad voice for anything for your kids i get like i i it seemingly would be obvious and silly if it was just like you have a goofy dad voice when you're when you're playing goofy games i just want to know if you if you're you ever use a different tone that was unlocked in fatherhood yeah uh it's not something i'm totally proud of actually it's not like a oh that's dad voice it's like uh i i can startle my children with it and i like the look on their face and everything is not something i enjoy that's what i was going for not not to make you to make you sad or anything like that but that's like the kind of voice because i i uh i know no one likes it when you

compare having a pet to having a child but it's literally the exact same thing in every way so i have a voice for jackson when i'm disciplining him that is just like a slightly deeper more stentorian version of my own stupid voice and it came out uh this was months ago but when i still i guess a year ago when i still lived in the city when my brother and nephew were visiting and Jackson got overexcited at one point and peed on the carpet and my like dog father anger instincts rose up in me and I immediately switched to Jackson and I'm not going to do the full voice on this podcast because he's he's here behind me now and I don't want to scare him but I use used this voice and I got very serious with him and was scolding him. And I looked over and I could see this was something not only that my nephew had never seen, not only that he hadn't heard me do before, but he hadn't even considered i had this side to me where i could be angry

authority figure and i saw that look in his eyes and i was like oh oh no no this is uh never mind uncle's uncle's the party guy yeah it's it's cool when you pee jackson i'm gonna let's all do it it's great never mind yeah but i i have it in me i don't I think it's maybe you just like, because your dad did it to you, you also have it in you. It's just like this innate, deeper and more commanding voice where everybody shuts up and just listens when you use it. It's a really serious and very, it's the same way that if you hear somebody else's alarm on their phone go off and you're like oh oh that like panic that you feel i think that the dad voice has what am i what am i late for i'm at the beach what happened

so like my uh my mom was coming to visit and ronan was here's the deal with ronan in the mornings it's really hard to get him to focus on what he needs to do. If there's a time crunch, like if we're like, you got to be at school at this time. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be ready to go out the door at this time. And like, I got him a watch and everything, but just the idea of him getting dressed, him brushing his teeth, him putting his shoes on. These are all things that I need to tell him over and over and over again to do because he just gets distracted so easily because he's six.

And there are times, though, where he's way worse, where I will say something to him like, Ro, come on, we got to get our shoes on. And he'll be like, okay. And then just fucking doesn't. Just like doesn't even make a move toward it. Just gives me a little bit of attitude and then doesn't do it and if it gets to the point where i'm like saying it five or six times

and we're up against it i will use that voice and i did that in front of my mom where i was like let me like scoot back from the mic but i was like a brody put your shoes on i gave him one of those and uh and my mom, flinched too. And then afterwards talked to me about it. And she's like, she was like, I just don't, I think that there are better ways. And I was like, I don't need your advice on this. First of all, what do you think my childhood was? Like, where's your memory of my childhood?

That you never once yelled at us? And then also, I'm allowed to yell at him every once in a while. As long as it's something that's still, like, that I only take out when it's, like, nothing else is working. Then you're allowed to do that with a kid. I don't think it's necessarily, like, a thing we remember in a traumatic way. I think it's an effective communication tool because it's not like screaming and there's nothing violent about it. But it is, I think, in my case anyway, for the dog, born out of necessity of just like, man, none of the other stuff is working. Maybe I'll just,

I have to switch into this different gear that I have. And it, it, it's been really effective at letting him know, like, cause he doesn't understand everything I'm saying all the time. Right. So tonally it's like,

this is the difference between the noise that I'm usually giving him and the noise that means I'm being serious. And like, I just need to access that once in a while. Yeah, yeah. I certainly, it's not something you want to overplay. And if I thought that I was maybe suffering from some anger management, I think I would address that immediately. But it's like, I only use it.

I use it for the cat too. I understand what you mean when you say you use it for pets. Because there are times where Colleen will use a spray bottle for the cat like the cat would get up on the counter or whatever because cats, if they think you're not looking they'll do whatever the fuck they want and I don't do that

sometimes when you are looking too yeah I'll just get mad, I'll just shout at the cat like if it gets up on something I'll be like what I do a lot is a hey. And just that hey is enough for, like, everybody. It's universal.

It's like a, let me scoot back. It's like a, hey! Yeah, like that. And whatever anybody is doing in the house, they drop it. Yeah, all the other dogs and dog dads at the dog park, when one of us hears that hey, we all, like, look at the source of the hay

and then look to our dogs. I'll signal Jackson like, now you, that's somebody else. Don't worry about it. You're good. You're right to be scared by that hay, but that's not me. You're doing great, buddy.

And so, yeah, I definitely have it. I don't, sometimes if I do lose my temper with them if like it's just something has worn me thin and I finally break and I use it and I don't think it was completely necessary and sometimes even if I do I see the other child like start a little bit

I just watch that little flinch in them and I'm like I immediately feel like oh shit shit that's not good for their brains I I don't think. Even if just that momentary panic, even if it's not you that's in trouble, where you're just like, oh, my God, what was that? I'm like, I'm going to try and curb this. And you try.

I mean, you try. So every night when I'm going to bed, I think about one of my big thoughts is I should really be more patient with my children. And I think that that's every single dad and every single mom probably in the entire world where you start to treat them like adults a little bit where you're thinking, especially if they're really good kids, where you have these expectations of them. And when they're not meeting the expectations, then you're like, what the fuck? Do the thing. We had a deal. And so every night when I'm going to bed,

I'm like, God, I just got to be more patient with them. Man, I did not mean to take you to this place. I don't want you to feel self-conscious of your father voice on father's day no it's it's a good thing to be reminded of honestly i think everybody should be i think that i i don't know i i don't know what the long-term consequences of it are i think that every because everybody's had to deal with it their entire life everybody i know what the long-term consequences are. I think, fast forward about 25 years, and Ronan and Jackson are going to start a podcast together.

Work it all out. Yeah, that could be the case. Famously on this show, I've been scared of credit cards, so I am really at sea. If I wanted to find a new credit card, I wouldn't have any idea where to start or how to choose. Credit Karma helps out. You don't need to apply for the first offer you see in the mail.

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and you think i gotta take him in and like this feels a little bit emergency like because it's he can't keep down food he's not drinking water and he's just throwing up a lot yeah ah this is you're saying this this is a hypothetical this is a hypothetical situation like i gotta take him in what what is your strategy do you call up your vet and then your vet is like yeah come on down and then you go in there and you go and your pet gets seen immediately uh yeah that's the time that that happened uh i called my vet that exact scenario did happen in los angeles he was throwing up not drinking water not eating food and and just also couldn't like physically settle he kept trying to curl up in one of his usual spots with me on the couch

but like his stomach was clearly so uncomfortable that like he kept readjusting the way humans do if you're if like you got something really bad with your stomach and it's like maybe if i sit on my side no that's not right maybe if i lay down on my back nope now that's hurting too so he just was up and down trying to get comfortable and when he wasn't doing that he was up and like really throwing up the whole contents of his body whenever he could. And not drinking water, not eating, not pooping. And those are like the biggest. Because they'll like throw up every once in a while. Not for months, but like he's a rat.

He eats shit off the street. And he's a tiny little thing. And sometimes he pukes. But the big warning signs to look out for is if he's not eating he's not pooping those are like telltale signs for dogs those are the things you worry about and that was the case for him so i called the vet because i'm up with him for like an entire night while he's doing this and i called the vet and she had me bring him in the next day and she looked at him and she uh didn't give me anything or she gave me a thing that he's gotten

before which is he's throwing up so much uh and he's such a little guy that he really needs to get hydrated or or else this problem will just like continue to get worse because then you're like you're having loose stool and you're throwing up and you're like tearing up your insides because there's just not enough water there so they inject a bubble of water into his back and that like slowly goes through a system that's all she did for me and then the rest of it was now just like watch him just watch him constantly and if things get worse then call me again uh but i think things will get better in a day or so uh and they did like like he was uncomfortable for a while but just just some bug was in his system that he really needed to get out

and there was like two full days where he didn't poop at all and then when he did it was a real struggle but we both like fucking lost it afterwards no one's been happier to pick up dog shit in a bag than me in that moment. It is strange how your pet or your child become an extension of yourself. And like, you're so pumped when they're pooping, right? Yeah. Oh my God. Like, it means the world to you. You're like, yes.

Just like we talked about. So I, I've had three instances now where I wanted to bring my cat in. And one time she was really, it was the same situation where she was really sick. She, for whatever reason, she was like feverish, I think because she wasn't eating,

she wasn't doing anything. She just wanted to lay there and wasn't purring when you pet her, which is like a, that's always like, Oh, what's going on? And another time when she got her which is like a that's always like oh what's going on and another time when she got her foot caught under a gate and then this last time she had it's clear

that she has been she had been bitten by something on her tail she got in some sort of altercation out in the wild and uh there were puncture marks and then she was licking it so much that she was pulling the hair off of her tail at the base and we had we were on vacation basically when we discovered this so that we have somebody from rover who was coming and she's like you know this your cat has this bite it looks like her tail is swelling some and i was just like oh man okay i'll deal with them when i get back and so on the day that we're coming back i'm calling calling my vet and I'm calling other vets. And every single time I call my vet, this is how it goes. They say, okay, what's going on with your pet?

I tell them, they go, okay, well, we have an appointment available in two weeks. And I'm like, yeah, I think she'll be dead by then. You don't have anything sooner than that? And they're like no unfortunately not we'll call you if there's a cancellation i've never been able i've never called my vet and they've been like bring her in yeah even when the worst case was when she was not eating or drinking or doing anything and was lethargic and i didn't know if this cat was gonna make it

that they were just like okay well yeah we have uh, in, and then said the month that was after the month we were in. And I was like, that's what else do I do? And they're like, well, you could try some other places and you can try an animal, like a emergency animal hospital. And I was like, okay. So in this instance, and in every other instance, I call those other places and I'm like, Hey, can I bring my cat in?

And they're like, yeah, wait with that kind of tone. And I'm like, well, what, how my cat in? They're like, yeah. Wait with that kind of tone. I'm like, well, how long of a wait do you think it'll be? And they're like, it might be around like eight hours. And I'm like, this cannot be the system. This cannot be the veterinary system in Los Angeles. Surely there's a better way. And I just haven't clued into it yet because I'm a first time pet owner.

But like every single time I try and call my vet, they're like, don't bring her in. And every single time I try to call an emergency animal service, they're like, I mean, you could, but you will be here for the next three days or whatever. So anyway, with this bite on her tail, I ended up taking her to emergency. We got home. My children went to bed for the night and at 10 o'clock i took her to uh an animal hospital and then you know brought her home at four in the morning because they weren't fucking around like they were like this is going to take forever and it did and i i'm just thinking there's gotta be there's to be a better way than this. I don't know what to tell you.

I think my vet was just like one of the part of that chain of VCA animal hospitals. I'm a VCA guy. Yeah. I have no problem. I had my latest vet story for Jackson. I don't love my current vet. And there's not a lot of games in town. Because the place I live is fictional but I he had this thing on his paw there's like growth on his paw

that a while ago uh he was bleeding from his paw at one point and I thought he'd stepped on glass or a sharp rock while we were in the street and so I like put ointment on that and wrapped his his paw until it stopped bleeding and then didn't think about it. And then like maybe a month later was like, I want to revisit that, that cut on his paw and see how, how things were going. Cause he was,

he was never like favoring it or anything like that. It was just a little bit of blood for a while. Uh, and I looked and the, the source of the blood was now this weird growth. And I took a picture of it and i emailed it to my vet here and they said this is an emergency like don't bring them bring them in now but this week bring them in and we'll take a look at it and they they looked at it and they the

the options laid out were not my favorite thing in the world uh because they're not allowed to tell you the right thing to do she just says like we it's too small for us to like slice a piece off of it and find out if it's cancer so we don't recommend doing that you can have surgery for him on this thing now and we will try to get rid of it completely. You can... There are risks with that surgery. A, because it's so small and it's in such a delicate place that he might lose a toe from this surgery. You can wait, and if it gets bigger, it could be easier to take out, but it also could be more painful, be easier to take out but it also could be more painful and you could and it could be what we would think is like uh uh she didn't say forever wound but like that's the takeaway from it like

this would just be an active part of my life whether it's like constantly changing wraps or constantly putting medicine on just like this would be a part of your normal rotation of things that you do with your dog is treating this forever wound on his paw yeah and the other thing with with jackson in any kind of surgery is you need to put him under anesthesia and he has a very faint heart murmur which is so it's really dangerous to put dogs with heart murmur under anesthesia which is why like we've rejected other surgeries in the past that were not necessary just because like, it's not worth the risk of putting to sleep if he might not come back from it because of his heart.

Uh, and they lay out all these options for me and I must've spent like 45 minutes asking them different variations of like, yeah. So, but like, what would, what would you do? Because I want them to just say like this is the right thing to do and and like of course they're not going to say that i don't i think legally they can't say like right this is the option and i kept doing like no no no i understand but like hypothetically it's it's your dog and this is happening to your dog so like what would you do you're like well i'm not gonna fall for that trap and i just like sat there not making a decision for long enough that they were just they

needed to get me out of there so they were just like you don't need to decide now so so so like go on go yeah there's no decision that needs to be made now and uh i was like well is there a chance that it'll just get smaller and go away and they said no and they're like you can take pictures of it to like chart its progress and i was like take pictures and send them to you to make a decision and they're like no you take pictures and you look at them for your records because that's what you're gonna do and i was like okay and uh here's the good news bad news it's all taken care of it did shrink it's not there anymore it's like the tiniest smallest thing that is getting smaller every day and that's good news because you know great for jackson it's bad news because it's always alarming for me

when my strategy of not making a decision pays off. Yeah, it's very bad for you. It's not good. Is that you just employ it more and more in your everyday life? Yeah. Right, because then once I develop hideous growths on my feet, I'll be like, well, the only other time this came up in my life, I was right. Oh, yeah.

Ah, I'm old enough and wise enough now that I know how to treat this. Ignoring it. Just never look at it. Oh, yeah. It was strange to me that they were like that first of all they took then they finally came and got her they took her back and then they came back to me and they said okay here's the deal i touched it there a little bit of pus seemed to come out i think that it's probably infected and you what we would do is we would shave this portion of her tail we're going to lacerate it

and drain it and then we're going to put a cone on her neck and i was like and how long will the cone be on and they said 10 days and i was like she's not gonna like that yeah that's i mean that's that's bad for her that's really bad for me and they did it i mean i let them do it. And the doctors, because that's what they say. They say like, this is what I'd like to do or like this is what I recommend. And the other two times in which I should have brought my cat in or I felt like I think this is really bad. I think this is bad. I want to bring my cat in. I didn't because no one would see me unless my cat was not like on the verge of death.

And when I didn't, my cat just got better. And I was like, well, she does have her energy back. I could just not do this. And I've been like, just get better. But I was like, no, I'm here. I should take care of this. Cause I'm just going to keep thinking about it. My cat's going to keep messing with it. And so I did it, brought her home in the cage. And it was the saddest thing. This cone is huge. I mean, I don't know if your dog has ever had a cone. No. But this one has to be particularly big because cats are so flexible,

and it's so far down her body that it's very easy for her to reach no matter what. Yikes. And so this cone is gigantic, and she's in her little carrier on the way home, drugged out of her mind, but also like can't turn around or anything. It's like a, it's like a pig at the farm, like at a factory farm. It's just like, they're not allowed to turn around in their individual little slots. Like she can't move. She can't do anything. She doesn't know what's going on.

I get her home and it's the most depressing thing in the world to watch her walk around with this thing and just like slam into walls. Trying to eat her food around with this thing and just like slam into walls trying to eat her food was humiliating like she's like couldn't get close enough and finally i put it in a smaller bowl and if she just basically created a suction cup over the bowl like put the entire cone over it so every single part of the diameter was on the ground i mean every part of the circumference was on the ground she could finally reach her food then and at one point she was just like, fuck this and took it off. And I was like, no, we can't do that.

And so that rest of that night where I had her, where from like three until 6.30 in the morning was just me lying in a bed, listening for the scrape, scrape, scrape of her running into stuff. And when I didn't hear it anymore, I'd get up and I'd go out there and find her and inevitably she had taken it off. And I was like, I don't know how to get this thing to stay on it's just me trying to tighten this thing without choking my cat to death and it i just trying to bet it was a nightmare it was an absolute nightmare even for the first day and i was like this is not gonna last 10 days

she couldn't she tried to use her litter box and just the cone was like scooping up litter. And then she got some shit in the bottom of the cone. And I was like, we're fucked. Like, this is it. And then my wife went to a pet store because she also saw that the situation is being untenable. She found this inflatable one that had more fabric. It wasn't just a cone. Oh, the other thing that was terrible was that

I would try and get this cat to calm down. I would bring it onto my bed, which we never do. And I knew she would love it. She's calming down. She's purring and stuff. But the minute that she turns or puts her head down and realizes that it's on a cone, she freaks out and thinks that she can run away from it.

And so she gets up off the bed and darts away and then just you know going as fast as she can into clipping walls and things like that with it so she's just eating shit constantly too and i was like okay my wife figured out that there's an inflatable one that you can use it looks like a a neck pillow for a plane ride. It's very silly looking. I was hoping it was like an astronaut's helmet that goes around her entire head. A bubble? That would be so cool. So we put this thing on her, and it's it's, you know, it's not as loud. It's like, she's willing to like, leave it on.

She's not freaking out constantly. It's not banging her in the head. And I was like, you did it. And when somebody else solves a problem that you, like, it's a huge problem that you have and somebody else figures it out, the amount of love and gratitude you feel towards that person, you're just like, Oh my God, I love you more now than when I married you. This is the best thing you've ever done for me.

Like this is, are you sure it's not the most recent? You saved me. Really? Really honey. I was one foot out the door. This is going into your eulogy. Um, and the cat was way calmer and i was like this is great this is

great and then as i'm kind of like watching her i just watch her reach over and just start licking her tail with this thing on like oh fuck god damn it she can she can reach it no problem like just one side of it i mean there's bites on both sides she can reach one side very easily and not the other and so i was i was like all right then the deal is she will wear this thing because it at least impedes her some and i'll just watch her for the next 10 days and basically that's what i've been doing is every time that i either hear her licking herself or like bathing or uh she's she's just around me I will keep an eye on my cat and if she gets even close I just push her head away from it and it's healing

I mean the hair is coming back the scab is going away it's working but it's also it's such a pain in the ass and just slightly less of a pain in the ass than me putting this plastic cone back on my cat it's insane the amount of things that you can live with for these stupid animals when jackson's paw was bleeding he would also take the bandages off whenever he could so i was like that's fine this is a fine solution i will just bandage his foot and then sit next to him for i guess the next 10 days and i'll walk with him and i'll just like watch him constantly i'll train myself to wake up a few times in the middle of the night to see if he's taking it off in the night he has okay then i'll just use the bedtime wrap and i'll put a new

bandage on him and then and then this is fine and like we'll go for walks and we'll just use the bedtime wrap and I'll put a new bandage on him. And then, and then this is fine. And like, we'll go for walks and we'll walk on the grass. If he, uh, tries to go in the street, I will pick him up and I'll just carry him. And maybe I'll carry him forever.

Maybe I'll, maybe I'll let him pee and poop on me until this is all resolved. Yeah. I'll just get my shoulders really strong so I can hold him at a full arm's length away from me at all times and he can go to the bathroom as he pleases from there yeah I it has changed my whole life for like this week but it's you're just you just accepted it every single turn you're like oh okay well this is slightly better than what was and so I'm going

to do this from now on. And it's just rough. Also, there's little things that crop up along the way where like she, I'll take this thing off of her every once in a while because she keeps trying to itch her neck. It'd be like wearing a turtleneck, like a very heavy turtleneck every single day and night and sleeping in it. And at the end, you'd be like, I just want to scratch this spot. And so I will take it off every once in a while to kind of let her do her thing. And as I take it off, I realized that this thing has been rubbing against her neck

and it's rubbing away the fur there. And I'm like, okay, this is, we'll deal with this one later. I'm going to punt on this issue for now. And hopefully this hair just comes back. Yeah. Anyway, it's a... I just feel like they're...

Well, I'll say this. My son is fine, but I did take him to the ER within the same week that my cat went. Like five days before my cat went. And we spent the night there. And it was the same system where I, I was, I knew what I was getting into because of my appendectomy,

like how long you just sit and wait and wait and wait outside even. I mean, we're just like into a folding chair outside and he's getting tired and he's like, I'm, I feel better. I want to go home. And I'm like,

are you just saying that? Cause you want to go home? He's like, yeah. I'm like, okay, we can't do that. We can't go home. Yeah. I tried that when I was getting wrist surgery too.

You sit in one spot for enough hours and it's like, you know what? I think this is actually manageable. I think I read online that just Advil was enough. Yeah. You feel like surely I can solve this better at home than I can here. This is only making things worse. Let me go home. And that feeling that you get there where they just wear you down at an emergency room. And so we sat there for a very long time and then I'm kind of prepping him. We thought it might be appendicitis because he had some real, real severe pain,

his lower abdomen and couldn't stand up straight. Couldn't walk with it. And when I touch it, I was getting some real appendicitis vibes from it. Oh, yeah, sure. So brought him in. And so I'm carrying him everywhere, back and forth inside every time they want to check his vitals every hour because they don't actually see you for a while. And when they don't see you for a while, they'll check your vitals every hour to make sure

you haven't gotten worse. So just like carrying him around at like three in the morning and then we finally get seen and it was the whole system was a nightmare i mean the emergency room system is a nightmare for him it was a little bit better because they won't just stick a kid in a hallway they'll wait and they'll give you a priority for a room, which was nice. But you see everyone else that you're walking past just suffering in this bright fluorescent lights of all tiny little hallway next to each other. And at the end, I was like, there's got to be a better way, man. Let's figure out what it is because this is not a system that works. This is when you go to the hospital, by the time you leave, you're way worse. worse i mean maybe they do the things that will patch you up and you can convalesce

at home but morally i'm not morally uh you're you're set your morale like your morale your how you feel you feel so much worse when you leave a hospital than even when you go in right i don't know i feel like there's got to be something we can do differently. And for cats. And for cats. Dogs, I guess. Yeah. Well, that's a lot on your plate.

You got to fix two industries, it sounds like. Yeah. Not so happy about the non-unionization of the animators, too. I think maybe I could do something about that. But everything else is good, right? Banks, landlords, energy. Oh, yeah. I mean...

Those industries are good. Yeah. Slumlords is really far down my list. In fact, I kind of enjoy them. Yeah. Good. Yeah. That about wraps her up.

A very special Father's Day episode of Quick Question. The show is Quick Question, but you knew that already. We are recorded, edited, and produced by the irreplaceable Gabe Harder. Our theme song is by the incredible Merex. Their digital album is available now at orcd.co slash plesiosaur. That's orcd.co slash p-l-E-S-I-O-S-A-U-R. Check it out right now. It just dropped today as of this recording, Friday the 17th. You can find us.

I have more to say. You can find the show at QQ underscore Soren and Dan on Twitter or Soren underscore LTD on Twitter or me, D-O-B-R underscore I-N-C. You can email the show QQ with Soren Daniel at gmail.com. You can find us on Patreon. You can support us and get exclusive access to secret content

for you. Now I'm done with talking. Now I'm out of things to say. You didn't tell him about the Instagram. Oh my God. Instagram's owned by Facebook. Are you off of Instagram then, Dan? No.

Okay. I love it. Oh, I'm so sorry, man. All right, bye. All right, bye. I've got a quick, quick question All right, bye. When will I be remembered? What's it over? Word it over Oh, forget it Saw a movie, Daniel O'Brien Two best friends and comedy writers

If there's an answer, they're gonna find it I think you'll have a great time here I think you'll have a great time here.