Quick Question with Soren and Daniel - Hand Stuff on the Drama Bus | Episode. 291

Episode Date: July 15, 2025

Soren and Daniel embark on a deeply nostalgic journey through their adolescence in an exhaustive attempt at defining, once and for all, what “hooking up” actually means. They talk about the flawed yet ubiquitous baseball bases metaphor, accidentally lying about doin’ it on a roller coaster, and why “going down” is a linguistic life vest. Plus, Daniel learns too late what counts as “talking” and Soren remembers a potentially problematic doctor.

I've got a quick quick question for you alright I wanna hear your thoughts, wanna know what's on your mind I've got a quick quick question for you alright The answer's not important, I'm just glad that we could talk tonight So what's your favorite? How did you get? How do I be? Do you remember?

What's it after? Word and all that? How do we know? Oh forget it Saw a movie Daniel O'Brien I'd be here, remember? What's an answer? Word or no more? Guide or reason? Oh forget it! Saw a movie, Daniel O'Brien Two best friends and comedy writers If there's an answer, they're gonna find it

I think you'll have a great time here I think you'll have a great time here Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of Quick Question with Soren and Daniel. Daniel. What? I don't want to get, what if we just like, what if we just got straight into questions? Have we ever done that once? No, we've not, not only have we never gotten straight into questions off the top, very often

we've never gotten to them. Not at all. Not even gone to the premise of the show. More shows should be like that, I think. More shows like game shows and stuff where Alex Trebek is going through the crowd. I'm going through the contestants and asking them questions, but they just, they're riveting. So they just get stuck on that for a while. We never get back to the crowd. I'm going through the contestants and asking them questions, but they just, they're riveting.

So they just get stuck on that for a while. We never get back to the questions. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy that Alex Trebek doesn't spend more time interviewing the contestants. Hardly seems to do it at all these days. Oh yeah, yeah, that's true. Not around anymore.

I did like it though, and he would be like, so you work in the science field? And they're like, yeah, I's true. Not around anymore. I did like it though. And he would be like, so you, you work in the science field and they're like, yeah, I do this geology research, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, Oh, so you're a nerd. Yeah. And he just had no, no, nothing but contempt. One of my favorite, uh, I don't know if it's, if it's collected anywhere, but I watched Jeopardy every night. And so I just have it in my brain.

But he was doing his little interviews with people and someone was just, and he was like, now I understand you have, you have a couple of cats. Tell me about that. And they're like, yes, Alex, thank you so much. I have three cats. Their names are Beep Bop, Boop Bop and Beep Bop. And they have little personalities. And I've had this one for this many years and this one for this many years.

And yeah, I just love cats and he goes So many of our contestants love cats I just moved on to the next person Like you could tell he doesn't like cats he doesn't like cat people and he's so bummed His contestants are cat folk. I do, I do really like your idea though. I think they should bake that into some Jeopardy episodes when Ken Jennings now is asking the questions and someone is like, yeah, I, uh, I kayaked from Australia to LA. He's like, you fucking what?

Tell me about that. We're not going to waste any time asking questions about literature. Turn off these screens in front of them. I can't look at this blue light while he's talking. Just tell me, how, how, did you see sharks? I already know the next person on the day,

their fun fact is that they taught in Thailand. I don't give a shit about that. Everybody teaches in Thailand. Tell me more about the ocean. Was there crazy shit out there? Did you see stuff that nobody's seen before? Speaking of that, do you, are you, what is your access point to TikTok? Do you have any? Is it your wife? I see a lot of TikTok on Instagram. Yeah, okay, all right. I guess my favorite app. And I downloaded TikTok because at some point

I was like, this might be important if I want to continue having a job in entertainment. It just seems like something that I should be tapped into. And then I tried exploring the interface and I was just like, this is, there are other jobs out there. I'll just do one of the other jobs. I don't think I can learn a whole new thing at this point.

That's good. So you're catching it downstream like me. So you're only catching the big stuff that comes out of it. Like it explodes from TikTok to everything else. There was recently, maybe you encountered this guy. He was pissed off at his job. I think he's a car sales or something like that. He did his job and decided to quit and was going to sail from Oregon to Hawaii.

Now, some things you should know about him first, didn't know how to sail. Didn't know anything. Oh, good. Didn't know anything about sailing. Was like, I gotta get a boat first. Then I gotta figure out what to do with my cat. Then I'm gonna sail from Oregon to Hawaii.

And started making videos about it. Yeah. And I think that these really didn't catch fire until he was actually on the voyage. And he did it. Like he was like, he just got a boat. And then it was like, well, I'm bringing my cat with me and Has it's him and his cat and they're sailing for whatever it takes to get there 11 12 14 days

Whatever it is. They're sailing from Oregon to Hawaii and he's like brand new to sailing I think he did some before he left because he has a boating license obviously and like learn some things But like there's a lot I think he's kind of like figuring out on the fly. Like at one point he locks himself in his engine compartment by accident. Uh, we don't see that cause he's obviously not rolling during that, but afterwards he's telling the story and he's like, he's sweating it. Like things didn't go good for a little while. He had to break a hinge on the compartment door and stuff to get out,

but he locked himself inside this compartment on a boat in the middle of the ocean. That's just him. But anyway, it was, he's on TikTok and he was somebody who did this with the dream of being like, I want to get away from everybody. I just want to not have to deal with people. I want to not have to deal with job. So he started doing it. And as he's doing it, he becomes viral

with this like 14 day, this two week period, he becomes viral. And he's notices that he's becoming viral because suddenly there's like plain circling. He's like, I'm getting circled. And he's also kind of a weirdo. The way that he talks to the camera and everything, he's very intense. He stares at the camera and he's just like, so if you're curious what this is like, this is the ocean. Pretty good sunset today. It's incredible. And he's just, his charm is that he is not a personality.

Yeah. And he'll be doing a video and be like, there's a plane circling me. Oh, it dropped something. Wonder if that's for me. Is it like a treat for him? And then he's gonna sail over to this thing and he pulls it out of the ocean and it's stuff for him.

It's like someone has sent him a care package and he's like, oh, that's okay. And then he, as the sailing is happening, this is like, he's famous by day six and his cat is famous by day six to the point where now he knows that in Hawaii, there's a big crowd of people waiting for him. And you can see the lament on his face as he's like, I did all this to get away from everybody. And now I'm going to show up there and I'm going to be a celebrity. And he doesn't, it's clear he doesn't want this.

That's awesome. But he's made his mind up. He knows he has to do the sale. He has to do the adventure. And he's made his mind up. He knows he has to do the sail. He has to do the adventure. And he's got to arrive at some point. Anyway, he arrived there. I think he's sort of, he went on some news channels and things like that. And now his plan is to go to Easter Island.

I don't know, somewhere fucking else. But it was so funny to watch this all transpire because I'm also not on TikTok, but I'm catching every single video where I am, which is Facebook, which is having the boonies on Facebook. And just watching this dude who's like, would just stare at cameras with the camera for long periods of time, silent,

and be like, I almost died today. Or he's collecting things that have jumped into his boat. Just, he's like fish that have jumped into his boat. He's like fish that have jumped into his boat. He's got a little spot for them. They're dead. He's not keeping them alive, but he's just holding onto these trophies of the sea.

And I'm like, I don't mean, this guy might be a serial killer. Don't do that. But yeah, he's doing these videos and getting thrown around in his boat, but he's got a little spot for his cat and his stove, basically, where the two things, and the food for the cat, where they don't move, they're on some sort of system where,

as the boat moves, they stay stable, which I guess is a good idea for a stove. But yeah, and the cat seems to not mind sailing whatsoever. But yeah, some of it's pretty harrowing. But that's not my question for today. I got on this tangent because... Yeah, you wanted to get right into it, so let's do that. Yeah, I wanted to get right into it. So that's exactly what I did. I got right into it. Daniel, this is unrelated, but I have a quick question for you. Great. I kind of wish... You see where

I'm at right now? Yeah. I'm a little bit farther back kind of shouting. Oh, we hear it too. We hear it, yeah. I kind of wish that was my mic set up, I think. I think I wish I could be more comfortable. I've seen podcasts where people hold the mic and I'm like, oh, that seems nice. That seems exhausting, honestly. But I do feel like we didn't really do enough investigation

into like what is the best way to spend a couple hours every week or so. And I don't know that this is it, sitting up straight in front of a microphone. But you were saying, you wanted to get into the show? Well now I'm stuck on this because you could have a, they say, well, you wanted a tooth brushing helmet. Honestly, a podcasting helmet sounds ideal. You just got- Headset mic for sure.

Yeah, batting helmet, it's gotta be hard. It's gotta be a hard batting helmet. And you got headset on it and then you've got a microphone that attaches to the brim and just extends down. I briefly, I didn't even tell you this, but so we had this podcast date scheduled for a while and then, and it was like, it was going to be perfect because I didn't have anything to do in my normal life and I was off work.

And it wasn't until this morning that I realized I had a doctor's appointment. I had to drive three hours round trip to pick up my dog. And I also do technically have work right now today at my job. All those things happening today made this for a very poorly timed podcast record. And I did think, you know, maybe it would be a pretty like cool form of content if I just did the podcast while driving. It's a long drive. Can I plug the microphone into my car and I just talk while driving, it's a long drive. Can I plug the microphone into my car

and I just talk while driving and like maybe set up a camera somewhere? Is that unsafe? Is that the, certainly safety never came into my factoring. It was truly just like, I don't think I have the technology to set up a camera and a microphone in the car while driving. And it didn't cross my mind.

I've been on Zooms with people who are in their car and it's just like, oh buddy, get the fuck out of that car or turn it off. It sounds awful. Okay, my question for you, Daniel. Shoot. When somebody says, let's say you're like, you're hanging out with your buddy and you're like, you're never going to believe this. I hooked up with so and so the other night.

What does hook up mean to you? To me, it means kissing. It means French kissing, kissing in the French style. Yeah. French style. Yeah, there is, this is point case. There's no general understanding of what that fucking means when we say hooking up because I'm with you. I think we just came up in the writer's room, not long ago where somebody was talking about hooking up and I was like, who fucking cares? Like they just hooked up and they're like, they'd been hooking up for awhile And I was like, who fucking cares? Like, they just hooked up.

And they're like, they've been hooking up for a while. I was like, okay, so they kissed a bunch. And like, stop, what do you think hooking up is? And I was like, kissing, kissing? And they're like, no, hooking up is having sex. And I was like, it is? And so there's no general knowledge, like general understanding of what that means.

When you say I hooked up with somebody, that could be such a broad array of stuff. It's such a bummer that like when you are a kid and people are talking about getting to first base, second base, third base with someone. And it's such a, when you're an innocent kid, it's such a, it feels like such a trap trap if you don't, if someone's like, I bet you don't even know what second base is and you don't know what it is.

And it's so embarrassing for you. And they all laugh at you. You don't have the presence of mind to be like, there is not a standardized base system across America. I'm, I'm almost 40 now. I've, I've lived all over the fucking place. Nobody has a consistent understanding of what this is. Leave second grade Daniel alone because he doesn't know what your region specific version of second base is.

Very much like baseball diamonds across the United States. None of them are the same or right. They're all weird. And so yeah, you're right. For some people you're like, first base. I know what that is. That is kissing. And other people are like other people like what no that's holding hands and you're like, oh shit You're approved. Other people like first is anal and you're like, oh no

There's so many more bases to go Yeah, so the hooking up thing when I was years ago when I was living in LA I was Hanging out with our mutual friend, Lisa Marie King. She played Mandy on Agents of Cracked. We were playing this game called Kings, which is a drinking game that sometimes one of the categories in the game involves people revealing a true thing about themselves. Like there's different, different, uh, mini games within this game that are designed to get you to admit some kind of truth or like, uh, everyone put a hand up if you have done such and such a wild thing. And if your hand is up,

then you drink or if your hand is down, you drink whatever. It doesn't matter who cares. Um, and it kept as, as, as it does when you're playing a drinking game with adults, it came to sex a lot. And I was frequently either asking or answering questions about hooking up that at the time for me was kissing. And I was like, oh yeah, I hooked up on a roller coaster and like the craziest place you hooked up and we're all listing our things and there were so many times where it was like it was a hookup thing and I was the only one raising my hand

as the person who had done it yeah and it wasn't until like months later of talking to Lisa where she was like I thought you're so weird but you had all these stories about like hooking up on the beach and hooking up in roller coasters and like all this other all this other stuff and I was like, yeah I've done a bunch of kissing and she was like, oh hooking up is fucking and I was like Everyone at that party thinks I fucked on a roller coaster. Oh, man. That's so cool How's it even possible to fuck You have that bar keeping you in place. It's so cool! How is it even possible to fuck up? You have that bar keeping you in place.

It's so scary! For the same reason, it can be as broad as between having sex and just kissing. I mean, all the stuff in between, that means that you might have like, blown somebody and been like, Oh no, we didn't hook up. We didn't hook up. Yes, you did. You absolutely did. Like what is this gray area? What are we going to call that then if that's not hooking up? So I was thinking we have to come up with like a definitive, a definitive back to what hooking up is Daniel. And here's my, I'm going to suggest what I think hooking up qualifies as. Based on the wording alone, I think that hooking up, I'm going to con what I think hooking up qualifies as based on the wording alone. I think that hooking up,

I'm going to concede kissing cause no one seems to believe that other than me and you. I'm going to. I don't think kissing even gets a category anymore in this horny world of ours. I think they're just like, yeah, no, no, no, no. Everyone kisses. We didn't do anything. We just kissed for half 45 minutes. We didn't do anything. We didn't do anything. First base is hand stuff. I think that, I think hooking up is gonna be,

it's gonna be hand stuff at the very least because it should be at least like, in a very literal way hooking on to somebody else. Got your hooks in someone, yeah. Yeah, you gotta hook on. And I don't, I get you what you say. I already know what some people are thinking with French kissing. No, cause you're not really making coat hangers out of your tongue and like hooking

those together. We're not doing that. It's just like they slide around each other. That doesn't count. I think that wrapping your mouth around somebody else, I think that doing hand stuff, I think sex, I think all those can qualify as hooking up and everything else we're going to call something else. Yeah. I was in high school one summer, regularly making out with a girl and like making appointments to go and make, yeah, and hook up, make out together and go to Chili's and make out. Um, and, uh, for like the whole summer.

And then she, uh, at one point I was like, yeah, I was, I was talking to my friend Jacqueline and she was like, do you talk to Jacqueline? I was like, yeah. She's like, oh, that's fine. You're, you're, you're, you're talking to Jacqueline. Okay. Do you, do you, do you talk to her a lot? I was like, yeah, all the time. I've known her for, for, for a while and, and we're, we're friends. I hope like, I hope that's okay. And she was like, it's, it's totally okay.

It wasn't until the end of the summer that I had learned, uh, that talking was her high school specific slang for making out. And it like repainted everything in my head that it was like, Oh, you thought, you thought I was making out with this friend. You thought I was indignant about it. And you were, and my heart was breaking and still is now. It was like, and you were cool with it in a way. Like you were- You found a way to be okay with it.

You were afraid to admit that you were upset about that and it hurt your feelings. You poor thing. I mean, we're breaking up, we're breaking up because summer's over, but like you deserve someone who's nicer to you than the version of me that you created in your head. We talk all the time.

We talk on the phone sometimes. Yeah. What? You're not gonna be one of those crazy girls who doesn't like when I talk to my friends. You'd be like, no, I guess I'm not. I guess I'm not. I guess you can talk to as many people as you want.

It's like, good, I'm gonna. That sounds pretty bad. So, I mean, this is part of, I guess, a bigger conversation, which is that it feels like all of the language around sexuality is so intentionally confusing. Yeah. All right, I'm gonna say some words that are gonna make you uncomfortable.

Just bear with me. Great. Eating out. Blowjob. These. That's it. Making out. Making out. Yeah. These words are so confusing. Like that does not describe the action. None of those words describe the action you're actually doing.

Yeah. Like they like a blow is, it seems like a trap. That feels intentionally confusing because that's the absolute opposite of what you're doing. Eating out is a horrifying thing to call it because it involves teeth and stuff like that. And that's not what, it's not what you're doing. Blowjob was designed in a lab to humiliate me in fourth grade. And it worked. Mission accomplished.

Jesse Bartley laughed at me. That scientist Jesse Bartley checking it up on his clipboard that it worked. Yeah, and making out even. Making out is like, making out is so confusing that I remember looking it up at one point being like, where did this come from? Why are we calling it this? Um, and did that information find a home in your brain or no? Yeah, yeah, I got it. Yeah. Making out is, um, it was popularized after world war one. It's always after the wars when everybody gets the most horny,

but it's popularized after world war one. And it was, uh, it was, we also have a lot of people with energy and nowhere to put it. Not even just horny as, but just like, they get back from the war, it's like, what, what, what, we should, we should come up with some new words. We should, ah, hmm.

Well, I think around sexuality, sexuality in particular, sexuality always takes these huge leaps forward after wars where everyone's like, what are we doing? Like, what are we living for? We just gotta have some sex. So, and maybe during wars, honestly,

I think that's probably where most of it comes from is like people hooking up during wars. And I don't want to think about it, it's great. But making out comes from, it was a term that already existed, but it was like, if you get along with somebody, like how are you guys making out? Like we're making out well. We are making out comes from, it was a term that already existed, but it was like, if you get along with somebody, like how are you guys making out? Like we're making out well.

We are making out well. So then it just became, we are making out. It got shortened to that. And then it became very specific to, you get along with that girl? Yeah, we made out. And that just means like, that's a shorthand for, we did some snogging, like we did some kissing.

Snogging. You would dare to bring in an across the pond colloquialism as if the waters aren't muddy enough. You dare to say snogging. I want to present only one, we got off on a tangent, but I want to present one qualification for my new litmus test for what qualifies as hooking up is that with hooking up, it does require hooking. That's not going to be true of going down on a woman.

That's not going to be true of eating out. It's not going to be true of that because that's like, it's just kissing but somewhere else. And now we're back, we're back in, we're back at square one a little bit. So that's gonna need its own terminology and it cannot be eating out because I refuse to say it any more than I have already on this podcast. Yeah, man.

It's a really tough thing to say even. And so I don't know, I don't know where I stand on this yet other than hooking up his hand stuff, maybe, maybe sucking dick and then, and then there's this whole other world for going down on a woman that I, I'm going to have to come up with terminology for. I mean, there is nothing, there is no more effective without without being crass, terminology than going down. I am really pro that ideologically and linguistically, just for someone to say, he went down on me.

That's like perfect for fourth grade Daniel to understand. She's like, oh, okay. Or like someone saying, hey, can you go down on me? And it's like, I know exactly what you mean and what you want from that. And the answer is no. But I really appreciate the bluntness and simplicity of that language.

Where- Going down on it, yeah. Being in middle school, it's gonna be like, Samantha gave him a blowjob and was like, well, I'm not gonna, what does that mean? If like he went down on her, it's like, yeah, okay.

Cause I know like roughly down, that's where the stuff is. So that's where he went. Okay. But it's also the assumption that you are exclusively your face. Like I went down on it. That's the only body part that's doing the action, but it's implied.

Oh, what did my face do during all of this? Oh, it went down? Okay. I understand now. Did it stop at the breast or did it keep going? Yeah. I went all the way down there. Feet?

No. Not that far. No. Okay, yeah. That makes sense to me. I'm with you though. Like I got, saying hooking up got me in trouble once, which was at my brother's graduation. I, when I would qualify. They never should have let you give a speech.

They should know. My brother's graduation from college, he had a roommate who had these younger twin sisters. And I thought they were so pretty. They're really cute. And it had worked out that where we were staying at this hotel, my parents had gotten a room for themselves at the hotel,

and they had gotten a room for me and my uncle. My uncle didn't end up coming. So it was just a room that was mine, and they happened to be staying on the same floor. And there was a moment in my, I would have been six, 17, where I thought I can make this work. I will, I'm going to hook up with twins.

Like I was like, this is gonna happen. Of course it didn't happen, but I, I did- We were gonna like build in a commercial right there. So the listeners would come back. When I was able to, I did, one of them was hung out in the room with me for a very long time and the other one left and like we were trying to figure out how to get close enough to each other to kiss but like Being really bad at something like oh, I can't believe there's a deep So he's been smoking in this bed's got ash holes in the in the comfort come look at this and then she like would come

Over she's like almost looks like a bullet hole Oh, do you think somebody died on this bet? And I think not listening to what the other person is saying it all because it's not hot at all and just getting close enough That your lips are close enough. You can finally fucking just do it. So we ended up kissing Thank God. I thought he was gonna have to go to war before you figured out what to do with your bodies And then yeah, we we ended up kissing is great And then the next day I saw her and we were kind of like nervous around each other.

And my brother clocked it and he was like, what was that? And I was like, oh, we hooked up last night. And he was like, what? We always give daddy shit about his sisters. And I'm like talking about it. And like, and really it came down. I was like, I gotta tell daddy, I gotta tell him. And I was like, please do not tell a guy who's older than me and is graduating from college

that I just jumped over the system that he's very protective of. He's like, I have to tell him. He's gonna throw you in the lake. And I was like, I don't want any of this. I don't want any of this, please don't tell him. And then I was like, just cause I kissed her, and he's like, wait, what?

I was like, I kissed her, we kissed, we made out. And he's like, oh, why did you say hooking up? I was like, I thought that's what it was. Cause it is. It's fine. It's anything beyond like what you would. I got to qualify this now and make sure that I'm right. But like anything you do, it's like, there's a real tipping point with a kiss, right? You can be, there's flirting with somebody else. There's like, you could even like put your hand on their arm. There's like different stages,

but none of those feel like a real big step. A really big, no turning back step is, you're acknowledging that you like somebody is the kiss. And maybe that's from movies. I don't know what taught me that, but like that's a really big commitment because you're right. There's like that.

You have to get close enough to them to do it. There's a real, there's a commitment on both parts. Like both parties have to be involved in that. And there's like a real set, like that from that point, it's like, okay, there's no more guessing. We know that we like each other. That's great. That feels like it needs its own, it's its own saying, right?

Other than, so making out feels like, yeah, we committed, we committed for the night or we committed for whenever. Like we committed to each other for that moment to say, Hey, I like you and you like me. And now it's official. And then we put our mouths together. I think, and there was something that I think even distinguishes hooking up from making out where it's like, yeah, there's like, you might make out at a party where you might, or you know, like briefly drunkenly silly hooking up is, I think slightly more intentional and there is a chance there's a hand on a butt or something like that. Yeah, okay. there's a hand on a butt or something like that. Because that's, hand on butt is, doesn't deserve its own base, but it's not nothing.

It's not front page news, but it's, I don't know, at the bottom or something. There are, yeah, I would say once you've kissed, then there are these other ones that the door is open on, of like, yeah, where like your bodies are up against each other. So there's obviously some grazing going on and stuff like that. Or as my doctor when I was 14 years old would call it, heavy pedding and almost maybe throw up. Do you remember when you started getting those questions from doctors and during your physical?

No, no, no. Doctors would, I don't know if it was after I'd gone through puberty and that was like his tell, but he was like, So you have a girlfriend? And I was like, no. And he's like, are you uh sexually active? And I said no and he's like, are you doing any Kissing and heavy petting? Oh, no, they would stop at sexually active for me. Are you sexually active? No doctor. Like yeah. No, of course not. I know Maybe my doctor was just like curious if I was free.

Yeah. It did seem, it felt like maybe they were more interested than they should have been. Sexually active? No, really? So tough your age, Jesus. Like any sense of, like, you ever been like in a jacuzzi with a girl or like a trusted doctor or something like that?

Yeah, so it just ended up there and you both were like bored. Yeah. Just thought what if we, wouldn't it be crazy if we hooked up? Okay. All right. Also one final question as your doctor, what does hooking up mean? Yeah, what does that mean? Sorry, doctor.

Yeah, I guess making out is its own can of worms because there is, you're right. There's like elements to making out that are not just, it's not just your mouths are fused. It's like you've got, there's like touching, but there's, I would say clothes on. Clothes on, yeah. But there's like, feeling up. Maybe some grinding and some dry humping that later, she's like,

hey, that was really great earlier. I mean, that was always- Maybe later she said that? Yeah, that always felt good to hear at that age. Wait, wait, you guys had, you guys decompressed afterwards? You had post-mortem where you decided how that went? Yeah, you get on AOL as a messenger when you get home. And in your head, you're like, I was giving her what I thought my best moves were, which

is sort of like writhing on top of each other. And she's like, that was really something else. And neither of you know anything, but I'm just like, that's sweet to hear. Wow. I'm shocked you're getting feedback. That's amazing at that age. I'm very glad that you're requesting it even. But yeah, afterwards you'd be like, all right, well, what worked, what didn't?

What are we happy with? What are we gonna change? You're not still doing that, are you? No. Okay. No. I guess it would be super helpful when you're that age to know. I don't think you can do AOL as a messenger anymore. They don't let me.

And when the paper trail is not there, it's less fun. Yeah. There's the chance that your parents are going to find out every single thing that you did. Yeah. I don't think I ever checked in again. Boy, that sounds bad. That doesn't sound right. Um, but yeah, we would like, you'd hook up and then you'd never speak of it again. Cause it was a, is it a humiliating thing you did together?

And then maybe you'd do it again. And then maybe you do it again sometime. Right. Because it was so nice the first time. It was really nice. Yeah, it was pretty great. I also, it was nice when there was no expectation of going further. Like there was a real small window of time when I was allowed to kiss and kissing was fun, but there was no expectation that then you would move on to something else. It was just like, we're here. We arrived. Let's do this

for the next 45 minutes till my upper lip is all chapped and I have to go home and try to sell my mom on the fact that I've been licking my own lips because they were. Yeah. I mean, my mom was like, what were you doing for three hours? I'm like, we went for a walk. I have to go to the bathroom. Yeah. Because then there became like this expectation or like occasionally you might even run into a woman.

I'm not a woman at the time. They're girls. Like you run into a girl who would be like, now I want to try this. And you'd be like, whoa, shit. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Just give me a second. Like let me emotionally prepare for this. Like I remember the first time at the risk of being too intimate again on this podcast, first time touching it, touching a vagina immediately afterwards going, I want to go home so bad. I just want to be, I want to be a kid again.

I just want to be like, that was so weird. I just want to be in my own bedroom and like my family's there. And like, those are the only people I know again. I knew it was going to be different from my equipment, but it's so different. It's just so different on every conceivable level. I didn't know what I was doing. If only I had AOL, maybe I'd find out. But man, that was weird.

And I think it was those rough for me. I don't think I was ready. It's no wonder that you didn't ask her if she had a good time. You were dealing with your own crisis. I was dealing with luck. But kissing, I was like, this is, let's all just stop here. This rules. I remember being kids with my best friend.

We would go into my basement. This story is not going where you think it is. We were going into my basement and we had a Nerf basketball hoop down there and we would, it was just high enough that we had to like jump to dunk it or we had to like, we'd take shots from across the room and like those things are tiny and Nerf ball does not fly very well. So the balls rarely go in,

but we'd get on the phone with these girls and we'd be like, these were our girlfriends at the time. And we'd be like, hey, when we go see Captain Ron, if Cameron makes this next shot, he's gonna kiss you. And then being like, okay. And like, he'd shoot it and we'd be like, he'd miss. And I'd be like, he missed. We weren't, you know, the presence of mind would be like,

oh yeah, he made it. You're getting French kissed at Captain Ron. Like we didn't, we didn't know enough even. But like telling girls beforehand, in retrospect, seems like a pretty good idea. Like a warning that like this is a possibility of something that might happen. I'm not just going to try it. I want consent from you first. But being like, if he did make such a shy, he's going to French kiss you.

And then being like, yes, I get consent to that. That sounds great. Jessica wants to kiss you. And then being like, yes, I can consent to that. That sounds great. Jessica wants to kiss you at Chad's party tonight. Okay, I will be at Chad's party then. Because I also want that, thank you very much. Strange intermediary. That sounds nice, that sounds great. Yeah, that's another thing,

so you tell everybody through somebody else. The fact that I would do that for my friend. But yeah, and at school. Or we're gonna do, if there was a bus ride, forget about it. If you're going on a trip to somewhere, we would go to Mesa Verde. I think we went twice.

And you'd know you got- Green table. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, Mesa Verde is Ancestor Pueblo ruins in Southern Colorado. And that takes, I wanna say four hours to get to. So you knew that you were gonna be on a bus for a very long time and the way back it was gonna be dark.

So there was a good chance like you check in with people beforehand, through intermediaries and you'd be like, hey, do you want to sit next to this person on the bus? Because they would like to hook up with you. Right, we would also, the drama club would go once or twice a year to see a Broadway show. We would take a bus into the city and go to Sibaros and then go see a Broadway show. Oh, hell yeah.

And then take a bus home. Some New Jersey pizza, that classic New Jersey pizza. We get into New York and we're like, nah, we want the real thing. Yeah. We, but then on the bus ride home, you would do like hand stuff with the people next to you and so on.

And I was thoroughly convinced that we were being secretive. And not only were my person and I probably not the only two people on the bus who had this idea. There were probably a bunch of theater freaks rubbing on each other and whatnot. I bet the bus driver fucking knew. And I bet that bummed him out. I bet he was so unhappy because he committed to life as a bus driver.

And some of that is fun when there's little kids and they're happy and they're excited and they're saying hi and bide him in the morning. And then sometimes he gets the shift where he's taken a bunch of kids home from 42nd Street on Broadway and he just knows when his bus is weirdly quiet. It's like, there's just a bunch of kids. The air is like moist and smells a little bit like saliva. There's nothing I can do. I can't turn around and say, hey, stop that because we have to pretend we don't all know

what's going on. But this just sucks for me. This sucks so bad. I'm so unhappy just hearing all these muffled like Although all the weird little kid noises that sucks. What a bad time. I'm having it didn't even I didn't even get to see the show with the kids Yeah, I had to they gave me a warning 15 minutes so I could go move this fucking clunky thing to the steps so all the kids could just pile on.

And you saying that, I didn't even, it didn't even occur to me on the many trips that we had that there was a bus driver or that there was, that there were teachers probably sitting in those front couple seats. Yeah, chaperones not doing their job. Not doing the one thing the parents hoped the chaperones curtailed. Why did chaperones sit in the front seats?

Other than to ignore everybody? To be like, hey, we allow this. Yeah, to be like, okay, I'm technically here. So your parents know that there is an adult on this bus, but a chaperone, a true chaperone should sit in the back so they have a view of the whole bus. But they're not doing that. They're just sitting up there knitting or whatever, whatever they're into. Something I'm very curious, and maybe our listeners will tell me, but I'll probably

never find out. When we would take overnight trips, like band trips, we would go to Boston. We would stay at a hotel. And they were very, the chaperones and teachers were very clear, like when you are in your rooms, you are in your rooms. We are not having you run across the hall

to go in the girls' room, and you are gonna stay in your room we will have chaperones stationed in every hallway in chairs all night to look to see if anyone's leaving their room because you have no reason to leave your room and just in case that chaperone falls asleep we are putting tape on everyone's door and so if in the morning the tape is ripped, that means you left your room and we don't care what you did. If you leave your room, you're in trouble.

And we all were, we took that very seriously and we were all good kids, not knowing how idle the threats were, but it just like, it was effective propaganda warning. Now that I'm older, I'm thinking about it, that this was for the kids, maybe I'll be able to sneak off and kiss someone on this trip. But now I'm thinking like, man, this is a great opportunity for those teachers to fuck each other too. I wonder if the chaperones...

We did end up having teacher relationships in our school. While we were sitting in our rooms trying to see if we can spot the tape through the crack in the door And would we be able to replace it if we did go out? Were all of our teachers just fucking each other's brains out? I don't know What else were you doing? You're at a hotel. Hotels are fun. Yeah, I mean some of them. Yeah, I bet because yeah, we had Relationships that started at our school. Yeah, every single, yeah, elementary school, middle school, and high school, I can remember different teachers like finding each other.

Yeah. If you were like a 25-year-old teacher and there was one other 25-year-old teacher that you see in the hallways and it's like, oh, and then you're both gonna be in Boston for two nights in a hotel. Yeah. Seems like a pretty great opportunity

to hook up and send each other some nice AIM chats later. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. In Mesa Verde, that's my big touchstone. That was our only overnight trip we ever did. That was your Boston and your Broadway? Yeah, that was both of them. No sparrow, sadly. We would go to Mesa Verde, two nights overnight,

and same thing, they put tape on the doors. My brother, when he had gone on that trip four years before, his roommate, as soon as they said they put the tape on the doors, he opened it to see if it was there. And then they realized that they'd fucked up. And so they went and found the teachers. And teachers hadn't even finished putting tape on all the doors yet when they found them.

But the teachers were irate that they were out of their room. When they tried to explain like, oh, we just, he just messed up. He just wanted to see the tape. They did not believe it one bit. And they were gonna send those kids home. That night they were like getting ready to send them home

and they barely got to stay. So anyway, I knew going in, like once I hear that there's tape on the door, that's lights out in prison. Like I don't do anything else. Except at hotels, the door to the adjacent room, as long as you both agree to open it,

you can get into the other person's room. So everybody on our trip figured that out. So anybody who was in a room with like, so let's say three other kids, suddenly they're in a room with six other kids. Because, and now you have two rooms to go play around in between. And we thought we were getting away with so much

because we were like, yes, yes. Like we're out without being out. And obviously we didn't have drugs or anything like that because this is a middle school. But just like being in other people's room and being so psyched about it really meant a lot to us. Yeah, I'll bet. You could see what other snacks they brought.

What did their mom pack for them. Yeah, they must have known though. Cause they didn't ever put anybody, like they didn't put boys and girls next to each other. Yeah. They must have known. I'm sure someone who worked at the hotel was like, you know, they can get to each

other and they're like, yeah, we don't care. We don't actually even care if they break the tape, honestly. I think, yeah, that's really true. In fact, if I was a teacher and once this tape was on the doors and I know the kids are secure in the room and I can't go in and they can't come out, I'm like, what am I even doing here? Let's go to a bar. Right.

The teachers who were supposed to stand patrol and guard, I'm sure it was like, I'm like, what am I even doing here? Let's go to a bar. Right, the teachers who were supposed to stand patrol and guard, I'm sure they're just like, I'm in a fucking hotel, I got up her damn, I am ordering a burger and a beer and I'm gonna watch basketball. What are you talking about? I never get to have a burger in bed with the TV on. What am I, a fucking king?

It's the past. I might even, I'll just leave. Yeah, well let's go see what Boston's like. I'm in Boston. I don't like any of these other teachers. Let's see if I can meet somebody out there. Yeah, I could be stationed here. Maybe I have friends in Boston.

I don't know. We put the kids to sleep at eight o'clock. I have to go. High school, they'd certainly trusted us a lot more, but I also went to a very small high school. We went to Mexico on a trip where we helped build, but really just sort of painted a habitat for Humanity House and went to a school there and learned some music with some of the kids there.

We all had host brothers and we weren't staying with our teachers. We were all with host families. And so at night, these host family brothers would just take us out. They'd take us out all over Juarez, Mexico. And that was crazy dangerous and wild. And then on the way back, one of the teachers, the teacher who was the most adamant about like,

don't even drink anything with ice in it. Don't drink any water. Don't get sick on this trip. He got terribly sick, got awfully sick. And so he had to have, we were, he was supposed to be in the same room as us on the trip back in Santa Fe and he couldn't stay in that room. So it was just a bunch of, it's four boys in a room by ourselves while the teacher is too dead to move. Like he's so sick that he can't do anything in the room next door. So we're just like, well, let's go.

And we went out, there was a strip club called Cheeks. No, no, wait, Silver Saddle, Silver Saddle. That's what it was. Well, then I'm less clear. We went to this place called Silver Saddle and like they let us in. That we show ID at the door, none of our IDs say that we're over 18 or even over 21, but they just look at an ID and see if it's real and then they let us in. Yeah, this one's got a name on it too, huh?

All right. All kinds of stuff that we should have just been sent home for. And that's exactly why they put tape on the doors. That's exactly why it's important. Because those kids, kids will do fucking anything. We never got into things that adventurous, but by the time I was a senior going on those drama club Broadway trips, I feel like the last couple of times, for no clear reason, I had just decided I was

more worldly and experienced than the other 17 year old New Jersey kids. I think because my dad worked for Amtrak and I had spent a bunch of time on trains. Like I've been to Penn Station a bunch and like my parents trusted me to ride trains by myself. You'd rid the rails, man. You'd see America at that point. By the time we got to New York and it was like time for everyone to go to Zabaro's,

I talked to the terrible drama teacher and I was like, hey, I'm gonna go. The show is at eight, it's six thirty now, I will be at the show at eight. And she was like, I trust you. And I'm like, that's good. I'm taking Jackie as well. We are both going. She's like, yeah, you guys are responsible, you know what you're doing. And it's like, we are not responsible and we don't know what we're doing. You just like me the best because I'm a male in theater. So I'm very, I've been very useful to you for four years. But like, what do you mean you trust us to be in New York City for an hour and a half to make it to this thing? What if we didn't? What's your plan?

I love that. I love that because it's all about context. The other kids are so Take it to this thing. What if we didn't? What's your plan? I love that. I love that because it's all about context. The other kids are so shitty that like the bar is pretty low for what a responsible high schooler is for them to be like, oh, a boy and a girl are going to go into New York on their own. And I'm supposed to be responsible for them. Have fun, kids. Yeah. Make some for the responsible ones. And then if we go missing and the cops are like, well, what did you, why'd you let them go? And it's like, well, he,

he said he didn't want to borrow us and he, he was the lead in like three straight musicals. So, it's got to be pretty advanced. After the shows, he would help me pick up. Yeah. So obviously I let him go. Yeah. Ah, ha ha ha ha ha.

Um, yeah. Well, all right. What a time. This is more or less all for hooking up. I'll tell my children about it so they understand going forward. Finally got a standardized list of what all the things mean when you put your hands in the places and your mouth on the places. Yeah. So like Bill Cosby.

Yeah. That thing that you need when you put your hands in the places. I'm also revisiting that story about, uh, hooking up with Christina while I was talking to Jackie. Um, in light of this new story, it doesn't seem all that innocent what I was talking to Jackie. In light of this new story, doesn't seem all that innocent what I was doing with Jackie. I think Christina was, or the first girl, was correct. What a twist! What a twist of the story! You were doing way worse!

Just for anyone playing along at home, trying to put all the names on their corkboard. The fact that she did feel bad was probably smart. Oh man, she knew, it's the intuition. All right, well, thank you for listening. This quick question was for Arne and Daniel. You knew that. Liked our theme song, that's by me, Rex. If you like this podcast in general,

you can watch it, watch it on YouTube, or you can listen to more of it. We do a semi-weekly release of a shorter version of it, not like an abbreviated version of what you just heard, like a completely different podcast, something else where Daniel and I talk for long periods of time. Oh my God.

And we might do one right now. Goodbye. Goodbye. I've got a quick, quick question for you, all right? I wanna hear your thoughts, I wanna know what's on your mind. I've got a quick, quick question for you, all right? The answer's not important, I'm just glad that we could talk tonight. So what's your favorite? How did you get?

What would I be if you never heard? What's it out favourite? Who did you get? Who will I be? I can't remember But what's the answer? Word and order Who got who we know Oh forget it Sore and booey Daniel O'Brien

Two best friends and comedy writers If there's an answer they're gonna find it I think you'll have a great time here I think you'll have a great time here