Quick Question with Soren and Daniel - QQ ep 49 - The Tale of Daniel the Bold and Confused

Episode Date: July 23, 2020

In this episode Daniel tells a story about a good thing he did, and Soren shares a fun fact about baby raccoons.  And as always, big thanks to Postmates.  Use code qq and get $100 of free delivery credit. 

Hello again and welcome to another episode of Quick Question with Soren and Daniel, a podcast where two best friends and comedy writers ask each other questions but get distracted and sidetracked so often that you might as well call us the unfocused fun brocast. I am writer for Last Week Tonight with John Oliver and the co-host of this podcast, sometimes known as D.O.B. aka America's Sweetest Boy aka Big Dragon aka Big Daniel aka Deanie O'Beans aka Drippy D's aka the Wild Clown of the Long Island Sound aka the Late Bus aka the West Side Detective aka Mr. Next in Line aka the Bermuda Triangler aka Big D and also occasionally very rarely known as Daniel

O'Brien and I am joined as always by my co-host who is going to introduce himself his way right now take it away hey everybody i'm soren buoy i am a writer as well and i occasionally go by my nicknames aka soren over california aka sorbalinda aka heaven sorbo aka swan bond demarco aka so country for bowen aka lax me sing aka soupy poopy bum breeze. Okay. So I gave you time to come up with these. Uh-huh. Yeah, but like an hour and I've got things to do. Okay. You know, this is a busy week for me.

Give me, give me, give me them one more time and I'm going to stop you at the one that I want to stop you at. Okay. Let me see if I can remember them. I started with soaring over california for sure that one that one was clear like like knowing you as a comedy writer you were like i'm gonna write soaring over california down and then like trust the old dome to pick up the rest of the slack i did do sorbalinda okay you know your balinda uh and you did kevin there was a kevin sorbo one there yeah but it was a heaven sorbo heaven sorbo okay i thought that was a nice little

touch um swan bond de marco that's the one that i want i want to hear more about um well it's so i like to um i don't want to be self-deprecating i want to do the opposite of that because then people will think more of me do you understand so like if i equate myself to someone like don juan de marco then people will do that in their own brains as well and they'll go ah i like that guy he's a cool guy and so i if i just plant that seed and it's real tough to make my name fit into that and son that sounds weird but swan is a real word and i could have done maybe brawn that would have been nice but i did bond which is as you know one half of bonbon and then uh didn't change the i would argue it was both halves but go on and then didn't didn't bother to change the end at all because it it still needs to

make sense and if i started to mess with the end i think it would have really fallen apart instead i came up with something perfect yeah so you think your efforts to endear yourselves to people in the present, you thought you would plant a reference to Don Juan DeMarco in the hopes that that would find purchase? Yeah, he's a really cool guy. Right now. Right now he is. Johnny Depp played him.

And Johnny Depp is also a cool guy in the present well we don't know yet i mean like the jury is literally uh you don't want to stop on soupy poopy bum breeze day oh yeah let's talk about that too so my mom when i was a kid used to call diarrhea soupy poopies which is such like a visceral So my mom, when I was a kid, used to call diarrhea soupy poopies, which is such like a visceral, hard name to take. And I just grew up thinking that's what everyone called them and found out later that's not the case. And then also there was a book about like early call early colony. I can't remember where somewhere on the East Coast. And this guy's giving his account of like them hiking up a trail and he was catching the bum breezes of the man in front of him i hope that's a fun word for a fart bum

breeze oh bum breeze means fart okay is there is there a word that your family used for fart growing up yeah um uh mostly it was just fart like my brother and i would like my if someone if there was like a smell like if someone clearly farted and there was a smell in a room my parents would ask who killed a duck that was what we knew to mean who farted because and i i asked my dad about this like maybe five months ago because i was hey, where did this come from? Why did you say who killed... Why do I know killed a duck as a euphemism for fart? And he was like, well, it's a more polite way of saying fart.

Like, it's better than saying fart, isn't it? Who killed a duck? And also, like, if you stepped on a duck, don't you think that's the sound it would make what what no that's that's psychotic somewhere between quack and squish i think that's i think that's dead on actually and this is specifically how dead ducks smell and immediately it wasn't a smell thing it was a sound thing oh it's just sound okay there was you know we we did

a shoot once uh out in idle wild with the five second films guys and um paulie and um and alec were there and probably proto and alec yeah and uh alec got up in the middle of the night was walking across the floor and farted audibly and paie went, Jesus, Alec, you're going to fall through the floor. And then I just sat up the rest of the night thinking what that could possibly mean. And I still think about it. Yeah. Is it? No. Is it like he could fire so hard that it would blast down downwards into the floor and collapse it. So like, if one is, this can't be the podcast. This can't be what we're talking about. Well, I have a question for you. That's not like leading into our show, just in terms of what you just said. Next in line.

Yeah. Oh, that was the nickname that you latched onto? Well, there were some really good ones in there. That was the one I didn't understand. I'm not the main event now, but I will be at some point. Okay. Oh, that answer didn't work for you? And angler. What was the angler one? The the bermuda tri angler that marries uh my love of islands and my love of fishing you don't want to do the bermuda tri

state angler no i guess that would get it gets to fucking throw mud in a nickname okay well look i don't i'm not gonna work through these different drafts with you that's fine you have you came with something polished and i appreciate that let's just move on with the show thanks to postmates for supporting quick question if you're like me you probably start thinking about what to eat for dinner while you're eating lunch i love food that's why i use postmates for a limited time postmates is giving our listeners $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days. To start your free deliveries, download the app and use code QQ. Yeah, we'll move on with the show. This is the show where we ask each other questions and give

each other answers. We like to do at this point a check-in about how we have been moving through quarantine. Do you have any updates for me about that? With what you've been doing? Yeah, I do. Okay, great. Yeah. Two things. I had a tenuous moment where I almost killed my cucumber plant. Oh, you were so proud about that in two episodes ago. I came in high and arrogant. I realize that now. And I was like my wax wings melted in the sun because I just flew too high. I came out one day and there were all these little

tiny green grasshoppers, like baby grasshoppers on it. And I was like, those things are going to eat it. And so I got a natural bug spray and it's for ants and things like that outside and i thought ah what's natural and i looked at the ingredients and it's just like a bunch of fucking like cinnamon and stuff like that egg putrescence i don't even know what that is and so i spray it on the plant because i'm like oh fuck you bugs and i also spray it on another little seedling this poor little seedling that was counting on me of uh rainbow kale came out the next day it had just fried they make rainbow kale all of them i thought it was just rainbow chard no there's rainbow kale wow that sounds gross go on and i so i i i just destroyed it i destroyed like, I would say probably 70% of the leaves,

just shriveled up and died. I fucked off that whole little seedling like it's dead. There's no such thing as rainbow kale anymore. And fortunately, the cucumber plant has started to grow some new leaves. The cucumber itself that's on there that's growing is still growing. So the plant's going to make it. But I thought for sure that was the end of it. And then also one other thing, Dan, my son is riding a two-wheel bike.

Really? Okay. So that's very exciting. How much time passed between? I assume you trained him on a bike with training wheels, correct? Yeah. So most people will say this. They say do balance bike now, which means that's those bikes that don't have any pedals and the kids just kick and then they balance on it for a little while. But, uh, I, I did the old training route, training wheel route, uh, that you and I did when we were kids. And he had that bike for a year. And then one day

during quarantine, I was just like, you know what? I think we should try doing it without these. And I'll hold onto the bike the whole time. And he was reticent. And then I, uh, I, I would go out there with him. I live on a cul-de-sac, So I would hold onto the handlebar and I'd hold onto the back seat. And we got to a point where after a while, I didn't have to hold onto the handlebar. I just had to hold onto the back seat. And then after a while where I was just secretly letting him go, because he did not want me to and didn't feel like he was ready to ride a bike. And I sort of forced him into it, which I do with a lot of things.

And he started doing it and then he could do it on his own and after that he was really proud and very excited and then only wanted to do it on his own so now he can't start by himself but he can turn and he can stop and he can ride straight all the good stuff but he loves it he does he's very very excited he's and it's you can see that autonomous or that autonomy happen like that occur to him in his brain. The same way, like when you got your driver's license and you're like, oh shit, I could go anywhere. I can just see it on his face when he's riding faster than I can run.

And him just like looking out over the horizon and being like, but I could, I could just keep going. Learning how to ride a bike seems like one of the biggest hurdles of childhood. Cause you you start them early and for a very long time it's just frustrating and if you're three years old or four years old you don't have the the capacity to understand that like i will be rewarded in the future if i put work down now like you just don't have that and right the the fact that you can like push him over that edge is is is very admirable because like i remember learning how to ride a bike and being small and just thinking like you know what this uh i fell down once and like um fuck this i never want to do it again yeah because most of the other games i play

i don't fall down and and it's not scary so i'm just gonna like focus on those things yeah he and that's it's so hard to convince a kid that you're not good at anything immediately you have to learn how to do it and it takes work to learn how to do it and putting the work in feels like such a waste of time when you're a little kid it's like why why why, why would I do that? Because you also don't have the peer pressure of other people who are doing it around you, especially during quarantine. So it's all me. It's all me being an asshole dad being like, no, I think this is important. Let's just try it one more time. And it wasn't us like going out. I recollect learning how to ride a bike, my dad taking me down to a parking lot in town and then us spending an

afternoon there and me learning. That's not how my son can do it. We did it in, we went down the street, we came back up and that was it for the day. The next day we did the same thing. And then the next day, and sometimes I'd be like, well, can we just go a little bit further towards the shade over there? And he would be willing to do that. And so we're spending maybe seven minutes a day learning to ride a bike. And we did that for two weeks and now he's got it. That's so exciting. Is he fearless on it now?

No, he gets scared. He's got like the handlebar wiggles. Anytime that he starts to get scared at all, it really has an effect on his whole body. Because you can sense when he's freaking out a little bit and then the handlebars start to go does he want to go fast yeah he does yeah he wants to be a motorcycle he does things i didn't know he knew how to do like he revs the engine like he guns the the the handlebar in a way where i'm like oh you're gonna you're gonna flood the engine buddy what are you doing he does a kickstart which he thinks is really funny uh and then he just makes a big

audible noise when he rides around that kind of stuff um it's adorable but he panics every once in a while and uh he'll get over that that's very fun yeah it's exciting how's your quarantine i i made my my first move from my apartment i left hell's kitchen for the first time i went to new jersey to see both my brothers and sisters-in-law and uh my nieces and nephews and just like had a nice barbecue and played with people and hugged people for the first time in 112 days

at this point so that was nice and like it I don't want this podcast to turn serious I woke up very scared like like like physically nervous about it uh and and willing to pull the plug at the last second because it's such a uh a change from what i've

done from the last three months but i pushed through it and went to go see family and it was very nice and i i have no that's great no horror stories about it. I mean, we did... My brother is kind of a farmer. So he's got a chicken coop. So at the end of the night, we had to fend off some raccoons. Because the coop is attached to a shed. And the raccoons can get into the coop, but they can't get into the shed. So the chickens got into the shed.

And the raccoons were in the coop. And my brother was in the shed trying to close the latch to keep the chicken safe and he was like go into the coop and and close the latch from the outside and i was like oh no because i'm not going to get into a coop with raccoons because i'm not going to break quarantine for the first time in 113 days and then get rabies. So just sort of for my own second, like geographically place everything, the coop is near the shed,

but where's the cucumber plant in relationship to all that? The cucumber plant is very far away. There's like, so a fence that faces the woods and then there's a fenced-in coop that obviously has four walls, but one of those walls is the wall of the shed, the outdoor wall of the shed. Okay. And there's a small door on the outside of the shed where the chickens move from the coop into the shed at night to keep them safe. But the raccoons found a way to get into the coop part of it and we were trying to make sure they didn't get into the shed part of it they're smart they're

smart cute sucks i know it's sad it's it's really scary how cute they are and the babies if you if i've seen um shows where they have to like remove raccoons from a chimney and the little babies when they pull them out what they do is they cover their eyes because they think if they can't see you they're hidden and it's just adorable to see these little tiny raccoon cubs with their hands over their eyes because they're scared that's so fucking cute we want to thank postmates for sponsoring this show uh i love postmates so much. If you're like me, you probably start thinking about what to eat for dinner while you're eating lunch. I actually think about it the second I wake up in the morning is, oh, I'm going to give myself a treat tonight. And that treat

means that I don't have to cook and I'm going to have food brought right to my door, which is why I love Postmates right now because they're bringing food literally right to me and I don't even need to leave the house. I don't even need to open the door. Given what's going on right now, they created non-contact deliveries, so now when I order from local restaurants, everything gets left right outside my door. They also have Postmates Pickup, which I have been using to order takeout from my favorite local restaurants. Hey! Hey! Listen up! Me? You! You guys need to be supporting your neighborhood spots right now! I have only been ordering local because it's a great way to support my community. And Postmates doesn't just deliver burgers

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when you download the postmates app anything you need need, anytime you need it, Postmate it. Let's get into the show. Mostly we ask each other questions, but I think one of the ways that we've pivoted on the show is telling each other stories and then having the other person tell us what we did wrong in these stories. And when I say us, Soren tells me what I did wrong in this story. And so that's what's going to happen here.

I don't have a question. I'm just going to tell Sorin a thing that happened and I'm going to ask him if I did everything right. Okay. Let me just like mentally prepare. And I want to preload this because it's going to sound like I'm telling you a boastful story about me doing the right thing. But I promise you it's going to take a hard turn into me being useless. So I had a day off. I went to the park to read my book. And then I left the park to go

back to my apartment. And I came across a man who had clearly very recently taken a spill off his motorized bike. He was seated upright on the ground and his bike was next to him. And I didn't see the accident, but I saw him. He was dressed in full medical scrubs, clearly post accident. scrubs clearly post-accident another guy came up to ask how he was doing and he said he was fine and the guy was like okay and then that wasn't enough for me so i said hey man um you look pretty banged up this looks real bad and he said what do you think i should do and remember he's in full scrubs and i'm wearing um swim trunks and a bright red tank top i got for free at a nerf event six years ago so the fact that he's deferring to me for medical expertise means that things are are are different now but uh he asked me what he should do so i say don't move and i call 911 and i say i need an ambulance and I immediately get connected with a dispatcher who's like what's going on and I am fucking flying I say I have a bike accident involving a

male late 30s large bump with bruising and blood on his right temple abrasions and swelling on both wrists gash on his right arm he seems to be favoring his left leg I haven't seen anything there patient is conscious but disoriented. And then the dispatcher was like, great, where are you? And I was like, Manhattan. Because I never know where I am

at any given time. I have the worst sense of direction. Without the T's? Like a child? Manhattan? Exactly like that. And I was like, i am at any given time i have the worst sense of without the t's like a child yeah exactly like that and i was like so so you know that the um like the hudson river park we're we're at at like the entrance of that and he was like oh the entrance of the hudson river park and it's like i mean not not the entrance not like where people get on to the park but like where i get on to the park it's where my where we're like me and jackson we cross under a bridge and he's like a bridge and i'm like no but like a thing we cross under a thing and then we get into the park really i feel like if you just

into the park really i feel like if you just drive towards the hudson you'll see me i really went from feeling like the biggest big shot on the planet to a guy who who doesn't know which way north is at any given time the avalanes did eventually get there and and and like that's good yeah there there there were still some some like big shot things like the guy the the dispatcher was talking to me was like giving me first aid advice if if the the patient was gonna go awol or whatever and i was talking to him and i was like this the the the man um says he wants to get on his bike and and ride himself to a hospital and the dispatcher was like you can't let him do that and i was like fucking copy that i guess and then i just have to make sure

this guy didn't get on his bike and drive to the hospital and then eventually flagged down an ambulance and got the guy onto the ambulance and and they went away and things are good i guess uh it would have been better if i could i think you did i am at this location and instead of what i did do which was like drive towards the river please was this man a doctor uh he i don't know he worked in labor and delivery at mount sinai west okay so he works in the hospital he knows and so like i understood as a person who was like i would fallen off his bike and injured himself i completely understood the impulse of just like, if I can just get to where I want to be, I'll sort this all out. You know, especially because like you, like adrenaline is pumping and you're in shock. And this is a guy who just finished his shift at the hospital.

So he is embarrassed and he's in shock. And he's just thinking like, if I can, can let me let me just get back to my hospital with the people that I know and we will figure it out together. And I'm not allowed to let him do that. I have to just be like, no, you have to stay here and wait for an ambulance to come. Now, the reason you're not allowed to let him do that is because you already called. Right. And that's like the...

So you set a chain reaction, and there was like an immediate chain reaction that they couldn't opt out of, and you couldn't opt out of. Right, that was the ace up my sleeve with the dispatcher who was like, tell him that an ambulance has already been dispatched. I was like, great, that's fucking great,

because we can't have an ambulance has already been dispatched. I was like, great, that's fucking great, because we can't have an ambulance show up to no one here. So, good. That's the thing that's going to stop him from getting on his bike and going to the hospital himself. Okay. Do you think that he actually had to go to the hospital? Oh, absolutely. Yeah absolutely yeah okay all right just like looking at him you could tell he was yeah i came upon him and he was sitting on the ground with a a large bump and and bruise and blood on his fucking head and his wrists and

and just like the fact that he was comfortable sitting in the middle of the street. And asked you what he should do. Okay, that makes sense. I think you did the exact right thing. We did also like, another guy and his daughter came up and like hung out with us for a while. And one of the reasons that this guy didn't want

to get an ambulance because he was like uh what about my bike though what my bike is here i'm just worried about leaving my bike here and me and the other guy who were there looked at each other and we're like oh we'll take care of that you know the way you lie to people was it a motorcycle or motorized motorized yeah okay and thankfully the ambulance took it with them to the hospital oh good so it could also get through some triage was it in bad shape too and did he ask you that question over and over what's gonna happen to his bike just the one time and anytime he was very good like it's very clear that he was a skilled uh medical professional because anytime he wanted to do the wrong thing and i would explain to him like no you can't ride that bike no you you you

shouldn't move your neck back or head unless absolutely necessary he was like you're i know you're right i know you're right like he said all the right things okay he was just a little bit disoriented and the to really identify whether or not you did all the right things there's amount of time that it takes when you get off the phone and the ambulance gets there i'm guessing that was probably what like 20 minutes so so short yeah oh really okay and what did you guys talk about during that we just moved him from the middle of the street to the side of the street and that's it oh and they were there already oh dan this you're this is the this is like a moment of heroism for you. I know, but wouldn't it have been better if I knew where I was in the world? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, obviously there's going to be...

Look, no hero looks back and is like, yep, I did everything right. Got it all right. There's going to be some mistakes. And I guarantee that since then, while you've been off walking around, you're like, well, where am I right now? Let's just make sure I know just in case something else happens and you know exactly where you are right no i have i think the second that gps became widely accessible i stopped paying attention to where i was at any given time forever. Like the, now it's on all of our phones.

Everyone has GPS on their phones and they can navigate to anywhere. But even before that, as soon as like Tom Toms and Garmins existed that gave you directions, that my brain was like, oh, thank God, I don't need this part anymore. And in, I guess I want to to say 2003 since then i have not paid

attention to where i am or directions for anything at all okay that's i don't think that that's totally crazy i especially in a city where you walk everywhere you know where you're you generally where you're going in la too i used gps every single time i went to your house for years because like as soon as i find out i don't need to think about a thing then i stop thinking about it yeah you let it go this is like a very sherlock holmes moment for you dan because you immediately identified all these crazy factors about this man you were so careful to notice that he was what where his abrasions were what leg he was favoring that he was injured in a war previously like you know that uh exactly what his job is because he's got

ink on his left hand or whatever the fuck is going on with you but you also don't know that the sun doesn't revolve around the earth like you don't know directions so i think you're like good company as far as like great protagonists right um this is a good story you should tell this you should tell this and uh people will say that's amazing i don't know where i am any at any given moment either and you'll fine. I feel like if you were in this situation, you would know what to say to the person who had gotten injured. And you would also know how to get the ambulance to where you are. Like I fully had to flag an ambulance down.

Like I'm not exaggerating when I say just like drive down 59th street and look for a guy who's waving his arms. That's what I had to do. You could have started the stand by saying, quick question, have you ever seen someone bleeding in the middle of the road and had to make sure that they got to a hospital. Okay. And I could have said, well, yes, I have. Do you want to hear that story? Uh, on a 4th of July, once I rode my bike to a party down by the beach and then was riding back home. And a man called from the, from deep in the bushes in the middle of the night and asked, uh, which way was a certain street. And I was like, well, it's that way. And as I told him, I realized he was staggering a lot and he was glistening and like that's like glistening in a street light and i was like oh he's covered in something and uh i got off my bike and i was like are you okay

and he said he was fine and i looked at him and the whole back of his shirt had blood down it and the back of his head i could actually like see the pink like headwood uh in the back oh it's just it's just the worst and i said when i i mean like later in this story like when i was closer to him and everything like i could smell it and it was it was rough um but uh he was not not in good shape he had clearly taken a huge fall or something and so uh i i got him to sit down on the curb with me we helped him down i was with my friend dan campana who you know uh dan campana helped him down designed the logo for this show that's right design the logo so i help i help him down on the curb so i've got him by his armpits and i'm like lowering him down

because he's he's wobbly he's very very wob. I need him down on the ground. And he just leans into me and I just got like blood on my shirt. Somebody else's blood all over my shirt. And then I sit down on the curb with him and we're just sort of waiting. We call an ambulance. This is like on a street corner. So I don't totally know these street names at all, but it makes it very easy for me that I have like that right there in front of me. So I never even had to worry about being like, oh shit.

Well, do you know where I live? Could you just go to my house and then like two blocks east and then one more block south of that? Right, do you know where me and Colleen saw that rat that one time? We're a block over from there. I'm also like famously bad with directions anyway.

That's part of the reason why I'm like, no, Dan, you're a hero. Don't let anyone tell you differently. You're great. And then we had to wait. We waited like 20 minutes for the paramedics to come. And so I'm just sitting there with this guy. And so we talk for a very long time.

And he's got, he's like, are they going to let me drink there? And I was like, no, probably not. And he had some alcohol left. And he's like, can I finish this? And I was like, no, probably not. And he had some alcohol left. He's like, can I finish this? And I was like, yeah, I think so. And he's kind of shaking a little bit, like maybe he's coming down a little bit. And so it starts to become evident that this guy's an alcoholic, that he's maybe a transient.

And he's not super happy with the way his life is going. And occasionally throws out that he would rather he just die there. And I'm like, fuck. No, that's not the way this is supposed to go. Is there like pressure on his head wound at this point? Are we holding anything fucking in? I didn't do anything. Is he though?

No. I don't even think he knows he's really injured because he keeps asking why we're there and i know he's got like a concussion and it's i mean i'm not seeing brains but i am this is this a staple or it's going to need be needed for this job and uh it's just you know head wounds just bleed like crazy. So he's like, I don't, I don't know how much blood he's lost, but there's a lot of it. And I kind of get like a sense of where he lives and stuff. And he's staying on this guy's front porch. This guy in the neighborhood is letting him live on his front porch while he like tries to get jobs and a place where he can get mail and stuff like that. And, uh, and finally the ambulance comes, they take him away and I just remember where he lives. And so a couple of days later, I was like, I should check on him. I should go see. And I go

to this guy's house. The guy answers the door who actually lives there. And he's very dubious about why I'm there and why I'm looking for this guy. It's like, who wants to know? And I try to explain the whole situation and he goes, Oh, Oh, he's at the, the in the hospital and he didn't know where this where his transient had been he did he'd just been missing for a while and uh he real and i got there realized exactly what had happened because there's a sapling out in front of the house that's been knocked over it's like he tried to grab onto this little tiny tree it didn't hold his weight he fell over and then there's just this splatter on the ground, right? Where his head hit and busted open basically. And then a trail of just drops of blood in one direction. It couldn't have been more Scooby-Doo-ish in terms of how the clues were presented to me. And then I kept trying to check in again. And the guy was just like stonewalling me. He didn't want

me anywhere near this other guy. So like there was like a weird relationship there happening. And it just, every door I opened was to a darker and darker room the entire time where I was just trying to be a cool hero and like, be like, just look out for this dude who seemed like he wasn't, he wasn't doing that great and be like, well, who's, who else is in this guy's life? Like, who can I talk to about this and tell him to tell them the things that he told me. And there, there was nobody there and i was like well i'm not also gonna be that person and so i stopped looking this is i also want to want to back up a little bit so this was fourth of july you said right yeah uh you were on your bike with dan

you were clearly going to a party i assume we're coming back from a party okay like one in the morning yeah okay I just wanted to know if like if after this incident you had then gone to a party because I had done that before like I was driving with a friend she was driving in front of me and she got in a bad car accident and I did all the things you're supposed to do i got her out of the car i got her information we got the information of the people who hit her and we waited for the police to come and then when she and i and another person who was part of our caravan who was in the car behind me were like all right so we're all healthy

and safe like there's no real physical damage. So onward to the party. And I just like, I just remember being at that party and just like shaking and be like, I don't think I need, I don't think I can hang with people right now. I used up all of my energy a minute ago. Yeah. It's,

it's, you're kind of like running on adrenaline. Then after that, you're like, Oh, oh shit. Why do I feel so hung over? Yeah. And it's only because you're coming down from your body being like, okay, all right. We're going to use up everything that we had in reserves for the next three days. Right.

And then for someone to be like, okay, now Cheesecake Factory, what do we think? Oh no, I'm, I'm, I'm going to,, I'm going to lay down right here on the street and sleep for 14 hours, please. I have to run this thing through my mind over and over again to make sure I did it all exactly right. I'll need at least 14 hours for that. Yeah, I know that feeling. Well, Dan, I think you did the right thing.

I think you did everything good. I think so, too. I'm proud of you. Thank you, man. thing i think you did everything good i think so too i think that i'm proud of you uh thank you man a big thing i miss is that um because i've talked to to everyone in my family about this obviously and they're like what was his name are you checking in with him i was like oh i don't know i don't know as soon as he got under the ambulance i was like you don't need me anymore right okay that's what it should be i'm gonna go and like drink way too early in the day because this was a lot thrown at me early in the yeah it was so when i during my experience

it was so clear every time that i reached out it was so clear no one wanted me fucking doing that no one please stay out of our lives like i there's a a movie called enduring love that's um well what's the most recent james? Who's that? Daniel Craig. Yeah. Daniel Craig's in it. And it's about these guys that are out like a, they don't know each other. They're out at picnics or whatever. And a hot air balloons getting out of control. And these guys all try to stop this hot air balloon. And one guy holds onto the rope for too long, falls and basically splits open on the ground. And these guys come and find him. So it was like this moment

where they were all trying to do something right and they didn't get it done. There's one guy who really suffered from it. And then one of the other guys who had tried to help now falls in love with Daniel Craig and won't leave him alone. It's just like obsessed with him because they had this crazy experience together.

And I think like my dad used to be on mountain rescue and I would ask him, I'd be on mountain rescue and he would say, I would ask him, I'd be like, do, do these people must call you all the time? The people that you pulled off of mountains must be so thankful. And he said, no, they they're not, they're embarrassed and they want you out of their life. Like they want you to not be there. Cause this was their worst moment. And they just like you to please not remind them of that constantly and they want you gone that's so and so because like the the the premise of the chuck palin book um choke the guy who wrote fight club you know how to pronounce his name um chuck palinuke yeah sure um he wrote this book choke and part of it is uh the protagonist

of it has scammed so many people over his life because he feigns choking in restaurants and then gets saved by the people who, uh, perform the Heimlich maneuver on him and they form a special bond. And those people send him Christmas and birthday cards full of money every year because they're, they're so bonded. Thankful.

And yeah. And I assumed that was based in something real. I assumed that like, if I did get the information of this person who I didn't save his life, but I just called an ambulance, if we did exchange information, then I would get a Christmas card from him.

But you're saying a thing that is based in real life, which is no, that doesn't happen. I don't think that happens at all. In fact, I think it's probably the person who does the saving who's more inclined to be like, I have an investment in this person now. Like I want this person in my life. And so you want to try and reach out to them

and like make sure they're okay and that they're doing great. It's that Ben Franklin effect that we talk about on Cracked, which is you're less likely to really like somebody who does something nice for you than you are to like somebody when you do something nice for them and they're properly thankful. And so he would use that to his benefit all the time. Like Ben Franklin would give out books and things like that. He knew people wanted. um, and then, uh, that, no, I'm sorry. Other way around. He would ask for things that he knew other people had because once they would give them those things, then they had like this sunk cost and fallacy in him. And they wanted, they would like, they would be more friendly to him, especially because he would

then be profusely thankful for whatever they gave him. And you just makes you like people more and more and more, the more that you do for them. It's like probably built into hardwired into how we take care of dogs or how we take care of babies. Yeah. Um, but, uh,

it's, it's, my dad was like, yeah, no, they want nothing to do with you. They're embarrassed that it happened. That's a part of their life.

They don't want to remember over and over again. And they just want you out of it. Huh. Yeah. So there you go. Well, then I'm glad I didn't exchange information with that guy who... Yeah, I think you did it right. Hopefully is doing fine now.

Dan, I have a question for you. Oh, thank goodness. It's a quick one oh good what's a is there something in a movie that scared you out of ever doing it in real life

a movie that was so scary or presented something to you that was like as horrible that it scared you from ever wanting to do it

I'll give you some examples like when Jaws came out no one wanted to go out in the ocean anymore or when psycho came out no one wanted to get stabbed in the shower anymore are people not doing that anymore no they stopped yeah this is pc culture i've said it before and i'll say it again it's run amok no one the gen z or whatever none of them are getting stabbed in showers and it shows is there something from a movie that was so scary to you and you know it's benign now but it still kept you from ever doing it

i'll go first yeah please go so you can think it's like i i know i'm not fearless but i kind of feel like i am right now so you go first this i'm glad this one made you feel good uh okay well there's a movie called sniper i don't know if you're familiar with it it's a tom barringer movie they made like four of them right yeah but this is the very first one uh do you know it yeah okay so in the movie sniper at one point they're wandering through the jungle uh you know as they do it's it's tom beringer and billy zane and he's trying to training billy zane and they get to a place where they're like nipples deep in some water and And Tom Berenger says to him, don't be in the water. Is that the best way you could have described that depth?

Tit deep? Chest? Tit deep. Okay, fine. Two men are either nipples or tit deep. You wouldn't say chest. You wouldn't say Tom Bereninger is chest deep in the water. It's got to be nips or tits.

Look, he's a barrel chested gentleman. The chest is so much of his body percentage. You don't know which part. Okay. All right. Keep painting. Okay. He's bosom deep.

And he says, don't pee in the water. And Billy Zane's like, why not? He's like, there are I think he says there are amoebas that swim up your pee hole and then like get inside of you. And that scared the shit out of me when I was like nine watching this movie to the point where I can't pee in water. when I was like nine watching this movie to the point where I can't pee in water. It's such a terrifying thing, prospect for me that I can't possibly do it. Even if it's like a pool, I can't. I suppose that's good for everyone else.

But I've been in the ocean before where, you know, you're at the beach and you got to pee. And some people are like, well, just go out in the ocean. I've tried. It's not happening. It's never going to happen. Really? Because I'm just worried about these microscopic bugs getting up inside of me.

Fascinating. Yeah. I know that's not happening. They're in like a swamp. They're in the jungle, a place I've never really even been. But it's just the mention of it. You've never peed in the ocean or a swimming pool? Never.

Well, certainly not since I was nine. I'm sure when I was a baby, I probably peed in a swimming pool never well certainly not since i was nine i'm sure when i was a baby i probably peed in a swimming pool but yeah no i've never i don't have a single memory of peeing while i'm submerged in water what do you what what what uh-huh this is so difficult i've i've i've been with you when we've been drinking in Vegas in swimming pools. Yeah. You just held it? No, I go and see.

There in Vegas is a piece of cake. There are amenities everywhere. So there are bathrooms. A lot of times there are a lot of long lines for them. But I will just sit there and wait until everyone's done with their Coke. And then I will go in and I will pee. Goodness gracious. will just sit there and wait until everyone's done with their coke and then i will go in and i will pee goodness gracious because you're worried about things crawling up your urethra and whatnot yes very much so i don't have that i mean like i pee everywhere i have a very similar one though

um that uh it hasn't impacted my life in a way that like i i maneuver my day-to-day activities to avoid the possibility of this but um the late 90s mummy movie with brendan frazier there are a bunch of scenes where these scarab beetles get burrowed under a protagonist's skin and you can see them you can see the indent of them crawling around like through their body you can see that there is a beetle under someone's skin maneuvering about and that is a thing that i think about all the time that i'm i'm very fearful of a bug getting inside me and then crawling around and doing whatever it's going to do i mean like there's no there's no way the bug gets in there and is like i cleared your your heartburn up they're going to do something nefarious and

they're going to swim across your eyes at some point yeah and i'm just like very worried about it and just like seeing i think the thing that most worries me because i've also seen um like documentaries of people who have uh had eggs of like wasps planted under their skin and then you watch the the eggs grow in their skin and then you hatch and you see these wasps shoot out of their forearms or whatever so that is also a part of it that i hate so like seeing the bug inside me is bad, but also the process of getting the bug out is also terrifying to me. Like I need to stop it and then cut into myself and then expel the bug from me. And I just, I, I have no suicidal tendencies in my life.

I have so much I want to do all the time. But if I saw a beetle crawling through my arm and someone was like oh all you need to do is cut your bicep open and then free the beetle I'd be like no this is it for me that's it I can't yeah I weighed the options and I can't do that the idea it's not gonna do myself and watching a bug leave me is too much it's too much for me to like I can't do that and then get stitched up and then start my day the next day. Yeah. I don't think I'll be cutting myself open. What I'll do is I will give you the knife and I'd like you to just stab me in the heart. Yeah. And that will be the

end of it. And neither one of us has to worry about this ever again. Yeah. It's like the minute something gets inside of you that's a big and foreign. It's like well, it's not my body anymore I will leave I'll be I'll go you can have it. I know what you're driving is an incredible movie on Shutter called the beach house where a woman gets a horrible worm creature embedded in her foot and she like fucking sees it go in there and then she has to crawl from the beach to the house titular moment and

remove the worm from her foot and it's so visceral and it's so well done and like i understand that she probably feels good to get the worm out of her foot but at the same time just like uh leave leave the worm let the worm the worm's in charge now i can't do it i could never be that woman i'm not as strong as the woman from the beach house just no let the worm that was call the shots i'd forgotten that that moment was in the matrix too like the Matrix felt like such like a easy fun cool movie to watch and then I got lightheaded again rewatching it because there's a

scene where they pull a spider out of his belly button like suck it out with a vacuum and it's it is a very visceral moment because there's fluids and stuff like that like pink stuff in him and it's so hard to watch it's really hard to watch. It's really, really uncomfortable that I'm like, leave the spider.

Surely there's another way. The bug you're describing, Dan, that you've seen hatch from people is called a bot fly. Bot fly, that's right. Thank you. I think as long as you and I stay out of the Amazon, we're going to be just fine. Those are flies that catch mosquitoes, lay their eggs on the noses of mosquitoes, the proboscis or whatever the fuck it's called. And then when a mosquito injects that into you, the egg is now in you. And there's some cows down there that have bulbous balls all over them.

And the larva is protecting you too. So it's protecting you against infection because that's a pretty big wound. So if you were to just pull it out, you run the risk of some very serious infection. That's why you watch people wait until these things hatch on their own. But they're spiked to make sure that they stay put inside of you. Make sure you can't just pull them out. And then they have a little hole where they breathe through this top. And if you go in water, they start to wriggle around inside of you because they're drowning and oh is there we still there yeah I'm still here I'm just once again reminding our audience why I don't need

to be on this podcast and it should just be soaring talking I think there are sometimes fucking bugs in arms I read I saw like part of a youtube documentary where a thing happened and you jump in like well here here's um here's the actual story there's the worst part and this is a biology teacher told me this so he could be lying to me but i so take it with a grain of salt i think he was telling me the truth if it's in a part of your body that's not very fleshy like they're not getting a lot of resources like Like your head on the outside of your skull, they will, you can put a steak next to it

or like a raw piece of meat and the bot fly will smell it and sometimes crawl into that, crawl out of you and into that so that it can be in a more suitable environment. Is that better for it to crawl out of you at that moment? Is that better than crawling out when it's ready to crawl out? I don't know.

I just, I think when it hatches, it just leaves a crater in you, right? Like any, I don't know if there's ever a good scenario, a good outcome other than get it out of me as quickly as possible. Or kill yourself, you know? Yeah, good lord. Is there any way to steer this podcast back to something pleasant? So there's some cousin to it, and I can't remember the name of the fly. It seems like no.

That lives really far north up where there are caribou, and it lays its eggs in the noses of caribou. And then they end up choking to death on it. And then it survives off of this corpse of this caribou and the caribou know what the fly looks like. And so they will run away from it. And they've caribou have run off of cliffs trying to get away from this fly.

I'd have to remember the name of it. I'm going to look it up. Caribou cliff fly. I don't know what to even search. I don't think we need to close this loop. I think we need to, we need to finish this episode though. Uh,

yeah, that's probably a good idea. Um, I could, you know, I could go find all the social stuff if you want. Um, but I do want to give you a chance to talk.

Okay. Um, about, uh, a text. Actually, no, I'm actually, I, uh, I have a lot to talk. Okay. About a text you sent. Actually, no, I have a lot of things to say. If you need time to find social, I'd be really happy to talk to you about how fraught Beetlejuice the musical was.

No, I don't care about that. There's a text. You frequently text me in the middle of the night and I have to just be like, I'm not answering this right now. So there's a lot of texts that I have from Dan that just go completely unanswered. Hey, cause he's just in the middle of something and he's like, and now I got to share this with somebody.

Um, you texted me the other night. We could fix the world. If more people would listen to Farrakhan. So what, what is this Farrakhan? Like a band? What is that? so what is is Farrakhan like a band what is that

okay Daniel has done the right thing and just left the conversation you can follow Daniel on Twitter at DOB underscore inc you can follow me Sorin at Sorin underscore ltd you can follow

who's somebody somebody named Michael or Bacon I have no idea who this is you can follow who's somebody somebody named michael or bacon i have no idea who this is you can follow him at make me bacon please pls or you can follow quick question at qq underscore soren and dan you can email us at qq with soren and daniel at gmail.com and you can follow find hire our producer sound engineer gate editor editor, Gabe, somewhere. Or you can go to his website and just look at it because it's not done yet. His name is Gabe Harder and it's gabeharder.com. Okay, bye.