Quick Question with Soren and Daniel - QQ ep 65 - It Just Doesn't Make Any Sexual Sense

Episode Date: November 13, 2020

In this episode the guys do a scene by scene breakdown of James Cameron's Avatar. Actually not really, but close! And as always thanks to our sponsors. Big thanks to Postmates.  Use code QQ and get $5 off your first five orders.  And also a special thanks to Skillshare.  Explore your creativity at Skillshare.com/qq2 and the first 1,000 people to use our link will get a free trial of Skillshare Premium Membership

Hello again and welcome to another episode of Quick Question with Soren and Daniel, the podcast where two best friends and former YouTube sensations ask each other questions and give each other answers. I am one half of this podcast, a writer for Last Week Tonight, the author of How to Fight Presidents, and a guy who was curious about kimonos but too terrified to get one because what if he likes it, Daniel O'Brien. I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Mr. Soren Bowie. Soren, make like 2014's great big world

featuring christina aguilera hit and say something hello everybody i'm soren buoy i'm a co-producer at american dad co-producer of two small children and a guy who did clapping push-ups his first day at a tv's writer's room though he was not asked to do that by anyone i'm gonna need a little bit more context on that uh my first day so at some point i'll be ready to talk on this podcast about how humiliating like my first four months of my job were how i how like crazy guns blazing. I came out of the gates, how, uh, desperate I was to be like part of the gang and make friends there in a way

that like, even now when I lie awake at night and those memories come back to me, I have to make an auditory noise. I go like, Oh God. Um, I don't know how it came up. Um, somebody was talking about workouts and I was like, oh God. Um, I don't know how it came up. Um, somebody was talking about workouts and I was like, yeah, here's, there's it.

I know this is my wheelhouse. And so I started talking to them and then I don't even think clapping pushups came up, but pushups might've come up at which point I got down and showed my, my pushup and then did a little clap pushup too. showed my my push-up and then did a little clap push-up too um for no reason just to be like and i can do this like maybe this will be a conversation starter um and ever that's so yeah it was brutal man so out of character for you it's i was so desperate early on and it wasn't even just like a desperation of like oh let me keep this job let me keep this job it was a desperation of everybody there was good friends already

and their jokes were so funny and like they had inside jokes that i didn't know yet too that i was like curious about and i was like you know what i'm really good at is just like sliding into casual good conversation with people but that shit does not play when everybody else knows each other and you don't when it's a bunch of people who don't know each other they're sort of relieved to have somebody who's there who's like willing to make some mistakes but right but when you're the new guy in an established group there's almost a sense of like do we really need another right it's and you're you're there like juggling on a unicycle like huh i'll be this guy do you have one of these it's your job to like hang back and just eventually kind of like everyone's gonna

like chime in and prove yourself don't come out just with everything you've got at once throw it all at the wall and be like yeah you guys like any of those things no that's fine i've got six others right here um it was it's rough I'll talk about it at some point, but there are some real circumstances that I look back on. I was like, who was that guy? I think we'll probably do an entire episode about that because I had a similar experience, not doing clap pushups or trying to be very impressive right out the gate when I started my job, but certainly it's a period of my professional life that i i i don't look back on with fondness especially where i am now

and like i talk to my current co-workers and i just think like like please don't ever bring up what i was like yeah i think i can't handle it i would have to leave if you told the new people what I was like when I started here. Right. Obviously, chemistry in the room is very important. In a writer's room is very important. But not that important, obviously, because they let me stay. And I'm so thankful.

Every time I think about my first season, I'm like, oh, God, I'm so lucky that they let me stick around. Thanks, Postmates, for supporting Quick Question. Postmates isn't just all burgers and sushi. I can order anything from toilet paper to phone chargers from stores like Walgreens and 7-Eleven and a Postmate will drop it off right outside my front door. Download the Postmates app and use code QQ. This episode of Quick Question is sponsored by Skillshare.

Thanks to Skillshare for supporting Quick Question. Skillshare is an online learning community with thousands of inspiring classes for creative and curious people. Explore new skills, deepen existing passions, and get lost in creativity. Be one of the first thousand people to use our link and you'll get a free trial of Skillshare premium membership at Skillshare.com slash QQ the number two Skillshare.com slash QQ and then the number two well let's get into the show oh no we're not gonna get into the show we're gonna this is normally when we talk about uh

quarantine COVID all that kind of stuff but I think based on when we're recording this we should uh instead of talking about covid talk about uh another major thing that's happened in all of our lives soren as we record this it's a few days after the election was called for joe biden that's right what was it oh i expected you to be more excited about that but but go on pretty bummed out that that everyone in the republican party refuses to acknowledge that but but go on i'm pretty bummed out that that that everyone in the republican party refuses to acknowledge that he's president oh i see uh and i'm getting a little nervous about it i'm like listening to mike pompeo be like oh the transition to trump's second term is going to be very smooth and seamless i'm like oh fuck they're going to try and steal this and it's like a real legitimate effort to steal it

i and like this podcast has a stated goal of not getting too political you brought this up i don't yeah well i'll get to why uh i don't for the record actually think that they're going to try to steal this election i think uh they are what they do by doing a lot of these lawsuits and uh pushing this as far as they could possibly go is they're getting a lot of people to donate to donald trump and the rnc which money that could then be funneled into the runoff election in georgia with ossoff and reverend warnock uh and that's i i really think that that's the entire stated goal of this is like enrich trump and enrich the party so we can get this other election squared away meanwhile everyone knows that trump lost and and and we'll leave at some point that

is that's so short-sighted and detrimental to the democratic system. Because there are a lot of people who are listening to the Republicans and being like, yeah, yeah, he shouldn't be president. And it's sort of like deteriorating the faith that people have in our system of government. Yeah, it's very bad, but we won't talk about that. I wanted to talk about where you were and what you were doing when you found out. Okay, so. On Saturday? Yeah.

I am famously in Tucson right now. Oh, yeah. I came here for my wife's mother's 70th birthday. It's just a little tiny super spreader event we were planning on doing. a little tiny super spreader event we were planning on doing um and so i've just been checking my phone non-stop because i'm sitting around a house most of the day and i think i was with my in my guest the guest their guest bedroom with my daughter while she was sleeping when i saw the news break on twitter and i just it'd been something i'd been waiting for for a very long time so it didn't

have the same sort of power as it would have if it was a surprise or it happened that night like I had been checking my phone for three or four days yeah and then finally it came and I was like finally finally and then went and told them was there um did you go outside around tucson at all and i'm like okay i know what you're getting at so yeah i'm not in a metropolitan area i'm also they live in the boonies of tucson too so there was no there were no wild celebrations happening outside people firing guns in the air anything like that although arizona really pulled through maybe yeah i was very excited um i was uh working because we film our show on on saturdays now and i was on like a slack call with all of the writers and we're all sitting there talking and doing our jokes and at one point uh i i sit in my apartment with my back to my window

which i had open and i just heard a bunch of screaming and i said on the call i was like hey can uh does anyone else in new york hear screaming which like the way things shook out is a is a good thing yeah because we were screaming out of celebration those would have been very different yeah because we were screaming out of celebration those would have been very different famous last words if people were screaming for a different reason yeah just uh multiple people on the street screaming is a terrifying process especially in new york i'd assume yeah but then i uh i went out and i did like a a lap around my apartment building and there's like people out screaming and hooting and hollering and and like you know people doing like woos and and joe biden wins joe biden wins chants and stuff like that but also a lot of people who are just like making pure

animalistic just like ah just like i need to make a sound right now. And what noises did you make? I just clapped. You know, I think we've talked about this before. Yeah, I'm not, I don't have a good, I feel very self-conscious when I'm chanting and like, and cheering for things. So I just sort of like clapped when other people were clapping and like waved at people and was like,

yeah, we did it. Because even when I was at my like most inspired when I was doing like the Women's March in L.A. And people were like, this is what democracy looks like. I was like, this is what democracy looks like. Like I can't take myself seriously when I chant. So I steer it into a joke yes i do the same thing in big groups like that the only time that i can do it genuinely and it it really feels like it's coming from my heart is during sporting events

and i don't know if you remember when we watched the giants win the super bowl together against the undefeated patriots long ago and i did a lot i mean i i i do not remember what you did i did a lot of cheering for your team um i did some like genuine cheering for your team because it was a similar to a trump situation where like i hated the opponent and i wanted to see them lose badly and it was felt and then i could you know also help out my buddy too and i didn't know if my cheering helped you feel better but obviously you don't remember it at all so i was so deliriously happy i'm sure it felt good at the time but i was uh this was at my apartment and and we had a very strong Patriots advocate there, our friend Brian. Oh, yeah.

So it wasn't just like a casual, here's a bunch of weird internet comedy dorks watching football together. It was like, no, this is me versus Brian. Right. And so I'm sure at the time I felt your support, but when I look back, all I remember is the Giants winning and then me dry humping the back of Brian's head in a celebration that doesn't really make any kind of sexual sense. Yeah. I'm sure he appreciated that. If you're like me, you start thinking about what to eat for dinner while you're eating lunch. I love food, but sometimes getting into my kitchen and cooking something delicious to eat just

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Anything you need, anytime you need it, Postmate it. But let's get into the show, I guess, where we ask each other questions and give each other answers. I have a quick question for you, Soren. Shoot. So, we've already talked previously about pieces of pop culture that we loved when we were younger, that we've come to be embarrassed by over time. Yeah. And, like, I know I talked about Garden State, and I kind of wanted to try the opposite of that.

Something, a movie or a song or a piece of pop culture that you saw or consumed and initially hated, but then revisited and really enjoyed. Do you have one or do you want to go first? Yeah, I can go first. Okay. Are you familiar with a little band called Huey Lewis and the News? I am. Hip to be square? Yes. Need a new Huey Lewis and the News? I am. Hip to be square? Yes. Need a new drug or got a new drug, I mean.

He's somebody who was sort of a joke when I remember when I was a kid. Even as a child when you're kind of catching on to the pulse of pop culture and how people feel about certain things. And Hip to be Square is a pretty geeky fucking song yeah it's funny that like a title that sounds like it couldn't work in any era it does like by design it's the antithesis to rock and roll yeah and this guy is putting it in a rock and roll song um i they always seem like such a joke to me and i thought he was such a weird hairy joke too and and then uh it just did like playing around i

listened to the song when i was making a video um my friends and i used to make snowboard videos and i was making a video i was like oh it'd be really funny to have it be a hip to be square and i was listening to the song and i was like oh shit this song rocks like this song is really good and started to really enjoy it and then uh i heard uh got a new dress it called got a new drug so it's called i thought i was needing new drug maybe it is need a new drug um oh i want a new drug that's what it is want a new drug okay i want a new drug came on at the grocery store once and i was listening to it and like i usually do when i hear just the verse before the chorus i'm like fuck yeah what is this song and then i realized that it i was like what's this

80 song gem that i've missed out on and then uh i realized it was i need a new drug and i was like oh this is he would listen to the news are they good and then i started listening to them more and more and i think that they're good i think he's got a great voice what did you say i think they're very good yeah they're crazy and so much so that now i've got based on your recommendation i created a basically a songs that go my version of songs that go mix and he's He's on there a lot, man. I think lyrically they're not great, but I do think all of their songs get me pretty pumped up. His voice is really great, too. It's very unique.

I don't know. I'm into it. Yeah. I think about Power of Love a whole lot, which is a song that I can't think about the lyrics. Because if I do for too long then i hate it like i just want the feeling of the song because when you think about the lyrics first time you feel it it might make you sad next time you feel it it might make you mad that's like go back to the fucking lab huey yeah uh open up rhyme zone again well but you have to remember he was doing this before rhyme

zone dan so that's right pretty pretty remarkable what he was capable of the shakespeare 90s i think ours are similar i've i've just heard your your pick for the first time right now so i haven't formulated this completely but i do think there's something similar about them. Mine is the movie Avatar, and there's a lot of context required. But before that, did you like Avatar? Did you and do you like Avatar? Two questions.

Okay, this is a movie I saw once and got a headache while I was watching. So I didn't like it at the time and i thought it was kind of a bullshit narrative because it's it's the last samurai it's dances with wolves it's the last samurai i mean um uh shogun the book shogun and pocahontas like it's just it it's the story that's been told a hundred times and there was nothing really new to it other than hey i'm gonna make a movie based on a template you already understand but i'm gonna make it look fucking rad and the look fucking

rad part made my head hurt so okay i didn't dig it that's a very specific experience um but for me when i first saw it uh i saw it when it came out in theaters and i went in there wanting to hate it like all the reviews like professional reviews, and just the ones that came from friends of mine who had seen it, were like, it's amazing, it's beautiful, I've never seen anything like it before. I mean, just as you're saying, the writing, the characters, the plot, eh. But it's an experience, you gotta see it. And I was a young, like stupid writer who cared about writing and characters and plot.

And I wanted people to know that. stupid writer who cared about writing and characters and plot. And I wanted people to know that because I connected that with me being smarter. So I went into that movie with my arms crossed, like, this better be good. And then was not charmed by the movie and was thrilled to shit on it afterwards. Like, nothing original in this plot. Everyone's name is stupid. The main character is nothing. Sure, it looks and feels cool, but like, so do roller coasters, and roller coasters aren't movies. I'm smart. And like, I

really felt that at the time. I wasn't just trying to be contrarian. I genuinely didn't enjoy watching that movie. And then I decided to revisit it, which also requires context. Because at this point in time, the general consensus seems to have shifted against Avatar. There are like famous articles about how a decade after it came out Avatar had left no pop cultural footprint and every once in a while someone likes to tweet out that they can't even remember a single character's name from the movie ten years later. So I decided that I was going to love Avatar at work purely as a bit. Like a co-worker mentioned Avatar being bad that I was going to love Avatar at work purely as a bit.

Like a co-worker mentioned Avatar being bad, and I was bored, so I chose to defend it briefly. And then after work, I thought, wouldn't it be funny if I was really into Avatar in 2020? Because, Sorin, I can't stop doing bits, even if those bits are for no one. And then I realized that committing to the bit meant i should probably re-watch the movie for the first time since it came out so i could re-familiarize myself with it because uh i don't know how to half commit to a bit so i re-watched it for research purposes because specifics help sell bits but it's great fun it's beautiful of course but it's also so much fucking fun it's just a big dumb

enjoyable action adventure movie featuring a brand new world and cool locations and monsters i really hope that you watched it in segments on youtube on your phone no it's on it's on disney plus you can watch it on disney plus so i watched it on like not how james cameron wanted it but i watched it on like a screen uh you might be the only person in history to like have watched it on disney plus so i watched it on like not how james cameron wanted it but i watched it on like a screen uh you might be the only person in history to like have watched it in theaters and been like meh and then watched it at home like yes this is how this was meant to be enjoyed with like the glare of the sun from my window sort of obscuring part of the part of the screen yeah yeah yeah just with those little when it when your uh internet lags on disney plus you like all it does is the screen freezes for a little bit and the dialogue

continues and then catches up yeah i don't care it's still great wow there's it's also funny there's like so uh when jake sully is first exploring the jungle of pandora in his avatar he's wandering by himself and sees a weird plant. So he just like swats it. And then when he does that, the plant lights up and then shrivels away. And then he just bounds

through the jungle just swatting shit and watching it shrivel. Just a fucking child trotting around a jungle touching stuff to see what it does. And it's so funny to me

because it's very relatable to me because all the other avatars are like scientists trying to respectfully learn things and he's like what happens if i swat this what happens if i poke this can i shoot that thing can i eat that thing how do we fuck here fill me in it's the ponytails right ah sick cool i knew it was the ponytails i gotta do it under a tree i see okay yeah this is the tree of souls okay do i fuck the tree of souls you don't fuck that well i'm gonna kind of fuck the tree of souls now all right listen i'm gonna be plugging my ponytail into a lot of things and like it's it's a thing that it really started as a bit for me but now i i i genuinely feel like i was too hard on avatar maybe it's because I've lived through the last 12 years since

it's come out and age has softened me and also like the real world has gotten worse so I appreciate an escape into Pandora and the the the wonderful floating hallelujah mountains where I can ride on a banshee that's right okay pandora is not the name of the okay exploring inside pandora i just i thought that would be funny so i did that one okay that's fine i'm just like i'm clearly on edge and very defensive of avatar now for no reason other than that you forced it on yourself yeah but it's good and i can't wait for the next uh four fucking sequels whenever they come out oh right i forgot that they're making a hundred movies after it yeah there's one that's going to take place like underwater can you think of anything better nope nope james cameron doing

an avatar movie underwater nope Nope. Nothing better. He's famously good at underwater movies. Yeah. He almost killed Ed Harris, but who cares? He didn't. Well, I got to rewatch it then because I do have Disney Plus. The thing I'm lacking, though, is time. I might be able to have to do it in installments. Do you think I could still follow the cryptic plot?

Absolutely. I mean, it is about two and a half hours long. Yeah, it's very long. Do they still do that with 3D? I haven't been to a movie in a very long time. Do you still have to wear ski goggles to go see a 3D movie? What? I watched this at home.

What are you talking about? i haven't been to a movie theater since february sorry i i this was not a jump from a to b and a it was an a to c jump i was just recalling what it was like going to the theater and why i hated this movie so much and then i thought is this are people still doing that and then i thought oh you haven't been to a 3d movie since 2008 yeah that's the only 3D movie I've ever been to. Oh. Yeah, you wear like men in black sunglasses. Oh, that's way better.

And they're sunglasses that somebody else has worn though? No. I mean, allegedly no. You get it in a little plastic thing. Okay. Seven years from now, I might go see one. Thanks to Skillshare for sponsoring this podcast. Skillshare is an online learning community with thousands of inspiring classes for creative and curious people. You can explore new classes and deepen existing passions and just get lost

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will be honest, they are very inspiring with hands-on projects and feedback from communities of millions. There's a new one, Daniel, called Plants at Home, Uplift Your Spirit and Your Space. And I thought, I'm killing a lot of plants lately. Maybe they can help me. I was very excited to learn about gardening through Skillshare. It turns out this is more about plants in your home, but as a testament to Skillshare, I watched all the videos anyway. I don't even, I have like three plants in my house and it made me think I'm doing it wrong. Like there are so many better ways I can use plants, better plants that I could get for my house that would really just uplift the entire space.

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premium membership receive free access to thousands of classes for a limited time be one of the first thousand to sign up at skillshare.com slash qq2 dan i have a question for you go ahead i want to know what's the most out of character thing that you've ever done we mentioned earlier that that was most out of character thing that you've ever done. We mentioned earlier that that was very out of character for me to be such a try hard at the first day of my job, but I want to know something that was so off brand that it even surprised you when you did it. I can go first if you want. Yeah, please do. Okay.

It may surprise you to know that I tried to start a fight at an intramural softball game when we both worked at demand media oh my god yeah we um rich curris was a guy that we both worked with and he had he and his buddies uh had a softball team and were short, and they asked me to fill in one night. I did. They liked me enough that they were like, will you play with us? And I said, yes, absolutely. I'm looking for things like this because it was a time in my life when I had nothing but time. And when we were playing a game, I didn't like this guy on the other team.

He was just kind of being an asshole for most of the game and something happened to me i first of all i get very competitive when i play sports of any kind that includes like cornhole and things where i should not be competitive at all and uh he yelled at the ump at one point everybody calls the ump blue when you play intramural softball he yelled at him because uh he couldn't hear his call he couldn't hear that there was a strike called and he's like well shout it out blue i can't hear you and then this guy uh a couple innings later he had a ground ball to me i threw it to first he was out the ump called him out and i said did you hear that

i shouted that at him and he got very upset immediately. And that got me very excited. Because I was having such a reaction on this band that I hated. And the ref started to laugh a little. The ump started to laugh a little. And that got him really furious. And he started charging towards me. And I threw my glove down.

And I started saying things like, you want a piece towards me and I threw my glove down and I started saying things like, you want a piece of me like things you would hear in a kid's movie from the nineties. Right. My only context for how to fight and went to go try and fight this guy and benches cleared, but they didn't come out to fight.

They just came out to like push us away. Cause they're like, what is going on? Like both of both sides were bewildered by what was happening by the fact that either one of us would be this upset at the other one. Cause we've never met before. And it's just throughout innings, I had been basically building up that this guy was a bad guy in my mind and was just like, I was out there. I was playing a sport. I was ready to engage with somebody. And I was like, I think I could fight him.

I think I'm ready to fight this guy. And tried to. Do you think what, like, if people didn't step in, you would have fought that guy? Yeah, I do. Do you think you would have won? No, probably not. Everybody else has a lot more experience with fighting. Even people who are deceptively not that strong,

or deceptively strong, I mean. I don't have, I've never like punched somebody in the face, really. Did you, no. So when was the reckoning? So you got separated from this guy. Yeah. And then did Rich or someone else on your team sit you down and be like, hey, do you need to talk?

Or was it just purely a mental thing where you, on the drive home, you're like, hey, that wasn't me. Yeah, it was. In fact, even the drive home, I was still buzzing a little bit. I was pretty pumped. And then it was later that I felt really stupid. So I've been involved in fights before. I've never punched somebody in the face in earnest

because I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified both of hurting somebody, but also I see stories about people hitting people in the teeth and having to get stitches in their wrists and in their knuckles and everything and infections. So the idea of a fight is it was pretty terrifying but uh i was like i was i was like i think this is just gonna be the one i think i could do it if i just put everything into it i think i want to fight this guy and the other people on the team pulled us apart and then just acted like that was just what happens

sometimes in sports they were like yeah they didn't try and sit me down they weren't like pull me they didn't pull me from the game or anything like that they're what happens sometimes in sports. They were like, yeah, they didn't try and sit me down. They weren't like pull me. They didn't pull me from the game or anything like that. They're just like, all right, let's just get back to it. Let's get back to it. And that was the end of it. And then I, I was buzzing afterwards. And then once you feel any other emotion after that, like you're watching a sitcom later and you feel a completely different way and you look back on it and you're no longer, you're no longer drunk on that energy. I was like, Oh no. Oh, that's not, that's not me. Yeah. Oh, I'm so glad that we didn't fight. I should call that guy and I should, I should cook him something.

I should let him know. I'm not like this. I'm sure. I'm sure he's not a bad guy either. Oh God. I felt really terrible yeah i have i have a fight one too i have two actually i have like a big one which is a fight one and a smaller one like the small obvious things that come to mind involve any time that i've like uh talked to women that i don't know like i'll look back at my uh younger and more vulnerable days at times when i approached and asked out a woman at a bar or a party i think about those things and i'm like who the fuck was that guy get out of here what are you confident about like i remember being at college parties and asking a girl for her number under no pretenses other than like I'm gonna use this to ask you out and like I

can't even put my myself in the head of that guy who thought that was a good idea it's it's it's an out-of-body experience for me like confidence you would say but the bigger one and the fightier one is this is back in my old apartment in Westwood Los Angeles I walking, it was late at night, I was exhausted, and I was walking back through my garage into the door that leads to the elevator, and there are a bunch of cars around. It's probably 11 30, and again, exhausted, tired, probably in a bad mood, and then just as I'm about to get to the door, a car honks and I'm startled. Like my hackles are up because it's even louder because A, the car is right next to me.

And B, we're in an enclosed space. It's a garage. So it's like loud and echoey. And someone just honked at me. And I immediately turn, go, Jesus Christ, what the fuck? And I stare at this car. And a guy I've never seen before gets out of this car. And I go, what the fuck, man?

He's like 50 years old or something like that. And he goes, what? I'm sorry. I fell asleep in my car and I hit the horn. What? And I was like, that's a weird fucking thing to say, man. I've never seen you before. And that was another part of it for me.

I am friendly with a lot of people in this building. And now some guy is sleeping in his car. And I'm like, I've never seen you before. And that's rude. And I want you to apologize for honking your horn at me. I wasn't honking my horn at you. I'm like, but a horn was honked at me. And it's your fault.

And I need you to say something right now. And then his wife gets out of the passenger side of the car. And I knew his wife. Like, I'd seen her all the time in the apartment. So as soon as I see her, my hackles are down a little bit. I'm like, oh, okay. Because she's like, her hands are up like, I'm sorry about him. This is what he's like.

And I'm like, oh, it's totally fine. I'm calm now. And then he goes he goes hey don't talk to my wife and then i'm right back into it and i'm like i talked to your wife all the time not like a sexual way or anything like that but like i don't think the nuance of my tone was clear at the time so just the phrase i talked to your wife all the time i'm sure is not going to cool anyone's temperatures. So now he's walking towards me, and I'm, I guess, ready to, like, fucking fight a 55-year-old man. Because he's just like this angry guy coming at me, and I still feel like I'm right. And, like, it's a free country.

It's 2018 at the time. Your wife's allowed to talk to whomever she wants. I talk to your wife every day. We go on walks. We don't go on walks, but, like, she sees me when I'm walking Jackson and she's out with her mom Yeah, I talked to your wife's mom too, buddy We're gonna say about that and then eventually like the cuz we're on camera because it's a building So security comes down and they just walk out the door and say hey, what's going on here? And I'm like, I'm fine

I don't have a problem And the security guard is just like okay let's all go our separate ways and so we did and i i like same as you buzzing the elevator ride up to my apartment thinking of cooler things that i could have said other than uh i talked to your wife all the time it's pretty cool dan and then i felt fucking terrible because i was like, what was I going to, was I going to, was I going to fight this man? I don't want to fight this man. I don't want to fight anyone. Right. Especially.

I was, I was, I was scared because the horn honked and it startled me. Yeah. When you think back on like what you almost fought over, you're like, okay. All right, I was the bad guy. I see. I see. Luckily, I got to talk to the wife again a day or so later when I was walking Jackson. I saw her, and she was like, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no. I started, and I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm very embarrassed. I didn't mean to get angry i'm not an angry person i don't yell um i just i was startled by the horn is all and uh please apologize to your husband on my behalf and she's like no no no no it's okay it's um i won't apologize to him because he doesn't he won't be be happy if he knew that I was talking to you. Because he doesn't like when I talk to men. Whoa!

Yeah. That's a whole new layer to it. Oh, the door just swung open on their house and then shut before you even got much of a peek inside. That's terrible. You should have fought that guy, I think, now. Well, I mean, I still know where he lives. lives and you said that means you said the exact right thing to him too i talked to your wife all the time for a guy who doesn't want his wife talking to other men that's like a real that's as far as like hurting him i mean yeah i mean unless that manifests in some terrible dark uh for her yeah yeah situation for her god

that's a shame yeah um probably should have left that part out of the story it doesn't seem like she's she's still willing to talk to people out in public though it doesn't sound like it's too much of a problem. Yeah, she didn't say it as, she wasn't like nursing a black eye or anything grim like that. It was more just like, he's an old school kind of idiot. Yeah, he's a Mike Pence type.

That was the tone that I got. There's something about when you almost get in a fight, this other part of your brain gets very, very excited at the prospect, even if it's like somebody you could never win a fight against. And now I realize how fights actually happen because just the prospect of being in an altercation like that, your mind goes, well, this is exciting and new. Yeah, let's do this.

And that's your first instinct. It's not, oh, this is bad, this is bad, this is exciting and new yeah let's do this and that's your first instinct it's not oh this is a bad this is bad this is bad that stuff comes later like you have to really check in with yourself to be like well what could be the consequences of this there's just like this eagerness to gamble when you first starts happening and being like i could bluff i could bluff this motherfucker yeah um i don't know what it is. Anyway. I feel like if the security guard hadn't come I think part of my brain was still thinking

surely someone will get in between us, right? Because I'm not going to start I'm not going to affect the stance that I learned from the two classes of Aikido I took in 2006 because that would be silly so like someone needs to stop this because I I don't know how to how to how to fight in real life and Aikido style gently redirect this man's energy if he charges at me I feel like

like your best bet for is to just have a plan that will always be, that will always work in a fight, like, like before the fight starts, uh, where like, you know, something very specific that you can say that will make the other person back down. What I'm thinking of is like, if you know the name of like a very obscure bone in the ear or like in the forearm or the wrist or something, and you're at the beginning you're like um look you might you might kick my ass but i want you to know i'm gonna break your and then whatever it is right and they don't even know what that bone is and they're like oh fuck yeah what is that i've i've thought about things like that like similar to that um like i uh

i would never commit to like doing stolen valor or anything like that but sometimes i feel like if someone pulled a gun on me and i was just like this isn't the first time someone pulled a gun on me kid back in afghanistan or whatever like just want to drop something that makes it seem like I'm serious and hard and like have been through this before. I've thought about that, too. If someone ever. So when you own a house, all you ever do is worry about your house. And at night you sit up and listen for sounds. And I thought about if someone ever broke into my house, what I would do.

And I thought I would shout at them from my room. I have a gun. I was dishonorably discharged from the military. You should leave right now. Do you have, you might not want to answer this. Do you have weapons stored about your house? I have one weapon. I have a, well, I had a bat.

I had like a child's bat because I wanted something, aluminum bat that was very, very small because I wanted something to have by my bed as like a precaution. But over time, the grip on it started to crumble away and it started to flake away in these like black dust so i no longer have that but i do have my go bag which is right near my bed and that has a hatchet in it and that's a pretty crazy thing to have somebody come at you with i'd assume yeah i want like close contact weapons you know i don't want a big wooden bat because even though it has that scare appeal,

I'm not going to be able to swing that in a way that's going to be helpful in a house. Yeah. So I want little things. I also feel like hatchet sends a real message. Like it certainly suggests that you know how to use a hatchet. Yeah, it does.

I found when I went and bought the hatchet that Home Depot essentially sells weapons. There's a section where Fisker has all these different things that are, like the pretense is that this is for lawn care, but it's a big machete with different chunks taken out of it and different new blades poking out in different areas. It looks like a future machete. And they've got serrated stuff that's very very long and cannot possibly be legal for you to just carry around in your car i guess unless it's gardening equipment

and and then these hatchets too yeah and i thought well these other ones seem really fun i could get one of these but i scared myself away from anything that legitimately is a weapon when i considered the prospect of buying a gun not that long ago um when i bought my first house i thought about maybe i should own a gun and uh i've been to shooting ranges before i know how to use a gun i'm familiar with like gun safety i thought i could i think i would be i get a safe for it i could have a gun and then the very first time that i thought i could i think i would be i get a safe for it i could have a gun and then the very first time that i thought i heard something in my house and i went downstairs to check it out and it wasn't anything i scared myself thinking oh if i owned a gun i would be doing this exact same thing but with a gun in my hand right and i was like i can't i don't want that right and like

pull that thread do i want to shoot someone right i don't want that. Right. And like pull that thread. Do I want to shoot someone? Right. I don't. No. Even though according to that guy in my garage, I was in Afghanistan. You son of a bitch. Yeah, you served two tours. You don't even want to be here. You don't want to be here.

The real me is still there. I like the hatchet a lot. there the uh i like the hatchet a lot uh my dad who's like um a fit person and did karate for a number of years and is like trained in a lot of stuff uh always had but never had any cause to use nunchucks in his car like serious wooden i thought you're gonna say throwing stars i thought for sure you're gonna say shuriken nunchucks like made specifically for him by a person he knew wow in his car at all times and i just think like even if i didn't know how to wield nunchucks i feel like if i was driving and someone like bumped me and there was a road rage incident where they wanted to get out of the car and fight and they and and

their hackles were up i feel like the guy who walks out of his car casually twirling nunchucks it's like oh never mind you're you're fucking you're better at fighting than me never i'm gonna get back in my car i'm gonna go away i think we both no one shows up to to a fight with nunchucks half cocked you know i think if i saw somebody like i rear-ended someone and they got out of their car with nunchucks i might laugh really yeah it's so out of place and crazy that i think it might it might make me chuckle well then even then it would diffuse the situation you wouldn't want to fight anymore right i would not i would be very curious can you use those let me see let me do something you need a trick? Do one of those things where it goes like behind and then you catch it with the other hand?

Do that. Nunchucks, I guess I've just never seen anybody really get their ass beat by nunchucks before. And that's maybe why. It seems like such a crazy, you might as well be stepping out of your car with a mace. I'm like, oh, what are you doing with that? But yeah, I do uh that in my house and nowhere else just by the bed because it feels like i don't know for some reason i feel like i can't be hurt in the light of day

yeah that makes sense do you have something at your house or your part i have a bat okay is it a big one no but it's just like it's like specifically you go online and you're like i want a self-defense bat oh it's just like a sturdy wooden easily easily wielded bat that i will never have to use how long is it um oh you're looking at it right now that's great yeah but i can't like spot guess lengths of things. Okay. Is it as long as your leg? Would it be weird if I said three feet? Is that crazy? Is it as long as your leg? Man, I don't know. Oh.

Cool. What a good podcast this is. It's like from the floor to where a standard doorknob goes. Okay, that's pretty long. Yeah. I think that's too long for your apartment, Dan. Okay. What you need are like some nightwing sticks.

Okay. They make those, right? I guess those are police batons. Yeah. I also feel like if anyone does break into my apartment i mean like i'm already dead i don't feel like this bat is going to be the thing that saves me i have i have one other question for you regarding it oh really yeah just regarding i still want to talk about these weapons um have you tried swinging it like have you practiced no i haven't okay in fact if uh

if someone broke in here and i somehow quickly got to the bat and incapacitated them and then the police showed up they would look at the bat and be like the the sticker on this thing is only sort of like half pulled off and i'd be like yeah yeah, I was scratching at it when I first got it. And I couldn't, I didn't find a purchase with my scratching. Trying to peel it off. And so I just sort of left the rest. I'm sorry. I mean, I've been meaning to soak it in the tub for a while.

Yeah, I know that's what they say you're supposed to do. But like, eh. Gotta fill the whole tub. Yeah. You understand. You're a cop you get it uh yeah i so i have practiced because that's like in my nature not only practiced swinging it uh i've also practiced looking menacing with it in a mirror oh that's so fun i want to let's put a pin in that

real quick but um when you say practice swinging it, because you've swung a baseball bat before. Yeah, but with a hatchet. Hatchet's one hand. Oh, hatchet. Sorry. Right. That's hatchet. And I want to make sure that I could do, that I could actually do potential damage with it if I had to.

Where are you doing this? In my shed. In my garage. The back part of my garage has wood in it. And I was like, I wonder how deep I could get this in some wood pretty deep yeah that's that's so funny and now the the practicing in front of the mirror yeah okay well first of all my swinging i tried a couple different things i put a piece of wood up on a wall i tried it i was standing in a because I, my biggest fear is that I don't have enough room to do any of anything. I'm so scared of the clumsiness of a fight and like how I would have this

thing that could very easily become a great weapon for somebody who actually knows how to use it if they get it out of my hands. So like I tried like how, how far back do I have to get my arm when this can still be, uh, potentially incapacitating and so like i've practiced standing in a doorway like swinging it from six feet i mean from six inches away at a piece of wood be like okay okay that's like that they're gonna bleed uh and then i've uh in a mirror

i've practiced like my crazy crazy face and how I would hold it. I wield it over my head, you see, because I want the silhouette to, for you to be able to see, oh, that's a hatchet. I'm worried that if I keep it in front of me where I want to keep it, like my natural instinct would be, they're not going to see it. And my main goal is to have them run away before I have to use it. I wonder how many other people use that as a self-defense technique just like presenting yourself as an intimidating

thing not really wanting to use whatever weapon you have but just like trying to scare the other person off I was like that's all nature right like every single animal trying to look like I'm bigger than a bear. It feels like it should work. I don't know. But it's so scary. It's not only just owning a house. It's having a house with a family in it. And the prospect of somebody breaking into a house at night where they know people are home.

That's somebody who's looking for something other than to just steal some shit. And I'm so... It's rare. it's so rare. It's like worse, it's more than rare than being struck by lightning, but I'm still, like that's one of the main things I'm like, I have to be ready for this. Yeah, I have to be prepared.

Man. Well, what else, what else? That's, we could end it there. I guess we can end it, yeah. I'm very tickled about you doing clap push-ups at work. I can't wait till we talk about that in a future episode. I love that this is a perfect encapsulation of our dynamic, that an out-of-character thing for you is trying really hard to

impress people at work and it not working and an out of character thing for me is uh talking to women at restaurants and bars yeah i don't know what i'd do if i saw you suddenly if we were just like at a bar and you're like hold on hang on one second i gotta go check on something and you just like went over and started talking to a stranger who was alone i'd be like what the fuck uh i'm gonna track down our social media accounts while we say goodbye but they're they're on a high shelf and i need to get my like mini step ladder out just knock them down with that bat so while i'm doing that um so when we worked together for a long time at comedy website crack.com with a lot of people who were really fantastic uh a lot of them have started podcasts in their own right and they're doing very well and we're happy for every single one of them um and when all of us

got laid off it was a devastating blow but i was wondering um which of our former co-workers at cracked did you think was least essential and should have gotten laid off uh that's easy josh sergeant uh he came on late in the game. I feel like he rode the coattails of Cracked a little bit. He tried to sort of emulate the voice of it without ever really nailing it or getting it. He wasn't particularly good at his job. He was very eager to get his fingers on video, but wasn't particularly good on camera

or writing stuff for the camera. And I felt like he could have gone. I felt like he could have gone very early on. Well, you can find Soren on Twitter at Soren underscore LTD. You can find our CFO and business guy, Michael, at MakeMeBaconPlease, spells P-L-S, on Twitter. You can email the show, QQ with Soren and Daniel at gmail.com, which we sometimes check. The show is on Twitter at twitter.com slash qq underscore Soren and Dan, and Instagram at qq underscore with underscore Soren underscore and underscore Daniel.

You can hire our producer, engineer, editor, swell guy, Gabe at gabeharder.com. Eventually. We also have a Patreon that you can check out. But,

you know, only if you if you're like a completist and you really need to see every every part of the the thing at this point there's no content there i feel like gabe's got to take the soon off of get ready something really cool is coming soon yeah i i i mean the the rest of it, I'm all for. I think it's really cool to have a website that just says, get ready, something really cool is coming. Yeah, drop soon. It's our advice for you, Gabe.

Okay, bye. Bye.