Quick Question with Soren and Daniel - Stealing at the Airport | Ep. 338

Episode Date: July 21, 2026

Soren and Daniel discover that old writing can be harder to revisit than create, from unpublished novels to long-forgotten job packets. Then Soren shares his newest obsession: airport theft videos, where stolen sunglasses, impossible excuses, and “But I have a flight” somehow become endlessly entertaining.Thanks to ASPCA for sponsoring this episode. To explore coverage, visit http://SPCApetinsurance.com/QUESTION.  The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance.Follow the guys on Bluesky!https://bsky.app/profile/danielobrien.bsky.socialhttps://bsky.app/profile/sorenbowie.bsky.socialBonus episodes 2x/month at patreon.com/quickquestion OR Apple Podcasts

Welcome to quick, quick question for you all right. I want to hear your thoughts. I want to know what's on your mind. I've got a quick, quick question for you all right. The answer's not important. I'm just glad that we can talk tonight. So what's your favorite? Who did you get?

When are friends and comedy, right? If there's an answer, they're going to find it. I think you'll have a great time here. Welcome back to the podcast. It's a quick question with Soren and Daniel. The podcast, we're two best friends and comedy writers. Give each other questions and ask each other answers. I'm one-a-half-that podcast.

Daniel O'Brien joined us always by Soren. Soren. Help me. Hey, everybody. I'm Sorin Bowie. Writer for American Dad. Not a writer of books like Daniel. You know, Daniel, was your How to Fight Presidents' New York Times bestseller?

Great question. Thank you for asking. Yeah. Nope. Okay. All right. So you've written one bestseller. Sure. Okay. All by yourself. There was a book that Crack put out called You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News that was great. And when it came out, everyone was like, hey, congratulations on the book. And it was out of circumstance in which I had just started at the site. So I had nothing to do with the book. I don't even think I'm mentioned in the book. I wrote not a single word in there. But people would be. We go to conventions and stuff, and people would be like, everybody, you sign my book.

And I felt really bad about doing it. So what I would, my solution was that I would sign my name and then I would write, I did not work on this. That's like a disclaimer. So some people own that now. You can put that in any book if you want. That's true. I could sign anything that way. It's still true.

Because I have never written a book. Any book. Yeah. It's, you wrote a novel, didn't you? Didn't you write like a serious novel? I did. but it's not published. So I don't know that you could call it a novel.

I wrote a manuscript. I feel like you could probably publish it. You wrote it when like, no disrespect, no one gave a shit about you. And now you're big dog with big beans. And I feel like you could also polish it up and punch it up with all of your new experience and all of your new skills as a writer that you've acquired over this time. We could promote it on this show. I could take a look at it.

You know what? That sounds like a lot of work, which you're describing. I know. Sounds like a lot of work for nothing guaranteed, which I don't really do anymore. But I do. But here's what's appealing about it to me is that I have like the pilot that I'm earnestly pursuing doing something with and entering it into things and like trying to make something with it. And that's the one that I think is good. good. And if it ever gets made and then someone lets me make other stuff, I'm so excited to dip into

my back catalog of things that are bad, but done. Right. So the work is already done. And I could just be like, oh, as long as we're giving stuff away, here's this pilot. It's not the pilot that I tried to sell because I've been told it's not good. But like, now that you all like me, what about all this bad stuff I did before? If you don't make any of my bad things, then you're a fool for making my good thing. And you're not a fool, right? I always thought growing up, because I kept journals and not just like, here's what I did today, but like thoughts that I was having or like working through stuff. And writing it, I was never just writing it for me, you know? Like, I had read Kurt Cobain's journal and I was like, surely mine will be like this someday and people

will dig through it to try and parse out what details I was, what things I was going through at certain Like I'm writing it for a third person that doesn't isn't there, but I'm like, I'm being lofty and there's a lot of purple writing in it and stuff. And I always thought also at the very least I would go back someday and be so charmed by the young me and the things that I was dealing with and how I was grappling with them trying to reach and understand them. I have no interest in going back to any of those. I'd say it would be, I think it's such a terrible, torturous read to go back and try and understand what 22-year-old me was like. We just made an agreement, the writers at last week tonight, that at our like end of year dinner that we do, just the writers where we, we're, you know, it's the end of the season and all the writers are at, they're happiest and no one's got any access to grind. Everyone's just feeling really good.

Feeling motivated for, yeah, let's just jump into the next one. Let's skip the latest. So bummed the seasons over. Yeah. We're ready to jump in already for the next season. We decided a fun hallmark of that this year is we are going to bring the packets that we submitted when we applied to work for last week tonight. And I'm so terrified.

I don't know. I mean, it was obviously like good enough that we all got hired for this job. But I'm, I know it's not good. I know it's going to read like the hackiest hack shit you've ever seen.

And I don't, I don't want to look at it in advance because I think that will stop me from bringing it. So it's just a thing that's now hanging over my head that like it's going to be, I'm going to turn to, a joke that was like finally our main story tonight Canada

Moose America like some dog shit like that You have your It was about that mayor of Toronto Smoking Crack It was about Rob Ford Dead? Who could say? All right

There was two of them There's two like Yeah brothers Enormous Violent Corrupt chaotic Unstoppable Ford boys

Yeah And I don't really understand how Canadian politics work. As far as I can tell, one of them died. And the other one was like, I'll step in now. It's a Gallagher situation. I think you can do that. One disappears. The other one's like, well, no, I can hit shit with a hammer.

Yeah. That's fine. I'll do it. I think that's terrifying. I don't know whose idea this was. I have to assume that it's somebody who thinks that their thing was really good. Yeah. Because anyone who proposed that is.

somebody who's like, well, no one will ever see this. I have this great big dick and no one will ever see it. How do I get everyone to see it? Should we have like a wet t-shirt contest but for shorts? Will that be a fun idea? Well, that sounds terrible. You're reminding me though that I should get to work on my pilot because I do work on it every once in a while. And then I go, but why?

And then I sit there for a long time instead of thinking about whatever. Because anytime it gets hard. I always go, but why. And I don't know if this is... Writers in general, I think this is probably true across the board. People assume that writers are like... Ice Cube when he's in the movie...

What's the NWA movie? Straight out of Compton? Yeah, straight out of Compton, where he's writing Friday and fucking loving it. As he's writing it, he's like... And then he got knocked... You got knocked the fuck out. This is going so good.

Or in adaptation, Charlie Kaufman's brother, like, is that the name Charlie Coffman? Jesus Christ, sorry. He's the writer of that, yeah. Lost all my nouns. It's okay. Yeah, that his brother is like loving it as he's writing. I don't think there's a single writer who really enjoys being in the writing.

The writing? Soren, Daniel O'Brien, nice to meet you. I should caveat it with like, when I am. when a script is already outlined, a story is broken, and I know where it's going. Yes. And I'm just doing like the characters are hanging out in a room talking to each other. I'm having fun.

I'm sincerely like, I know I say this all the time. I'm just like Ice Cube and Charlie Kaufman. I'm having a blast. I'm cracking myself up a little bit. And it's really cringy to, to observe. But I am having fun and I'm like lost in the sauce of writing and just, you know, the reason that I've been doing it since before I'd been paid to do it. The other parts of writing that are not that, I agree with you. I do truly hate.

And the pilot that I have that is that I'm trying to make something out of, there's like a workshop course that I want to submit it to and be part of. of this whole like lab experience with it. And, uh, there's so much, they don't just want the pilot. They want like logline and also, uh, why is this a show? Why is it episodic and not a movie? Where does the show go for a season? The kind of thing that like you would, it's good training because if you try to sell a show to a network or a production house or a studio, they are going to have you do this too.

They're going to say like, well, what's, what is the theme of the show and now give me every major character and how the theme impacts them and give me like just a rough idea of what the arc of the season one is and maybe like a hint of what seasons two and three could be and also give me some indication of like what growth each character goes through over the course of this season and how it relates to the theme of the show and why you're the only one in the world who can write this story and why it has to be right now that's all the stuff that I'm just like oh but that's but I don't want to do that I want to just I I want to get in the room with the characters and and play with my action figures yeah I don't want to like think yeah I'll say that when it is all mapped out and you're like you're getting

to a scene that you know that you like and that you think is funny and you understand what's funny about it which I'll say is also like a big part of writing um because sometimes you'll get to a see and you're like, I don't know what's actually interesting about this. You're just sitting there and you're like trying to figure it out. Anytime you get stuck, it is, you're like, let's just scrap the whole thing. Because it feels impossible. It feels like we've gotten to a wall and there's no way to climb this wall. And so we should turn around.

And then you have to sit with that for more than a day because you're also thinking about it at night when you're going to sleep and you're thinking about should I abandon this? half the time spending thinking like how do I fix this? The other time is should I kill myself? Right.

An abandoned screenplay that I may pick up again at some point but that was it's just very clear even past outline stage that I didn't I didn't quite have it

and there were so many scenes I had written that as I'm writing them and I'm the guy I'm the one doing all the stuff I'm writing the scene and I'm still just like you guys got to get out of this scene

You guys cannot keep talking. You're not. You're not advancing anything. You're just, just shut the fuck. No, don't walk over there. Don't open up a whole new can of stuff. Just get out of the scene. Get out of here.

And at that point, you have the, you know, you entertain, do I kill myself? And then you have to have a really frank conversation with yourself that, like, if I, if I abandon this, that means the time I already spent is wasted. and I don't like admitting that but if I keep going my future time may be wasted and that's time that I could theoretically be spent could be theoretically spent having good ideas

and making something good and it's really just like right because we found that with our columns all the time where you'd be like you'd be writing a column in the middle of it you'd be like oh you know what this premise is fucked yeah it's not good do I just force it

like do i just put in like a just pack it with really really good jokes and and like to support a very flimsy premise or do i abandon it and just start again and occasionally you would write something this is the problem you'd get an you get an idea for a column in my case now it's like an idea for an episode and it flows and it just goes great and you're like fuck yeah like that was rich that was exactly what i needed and then the problem is that you come across anything else and you're like, that's not the same thing. That's not as rich. We're not doing it.

That's not as rich. I'm not doing it. But if you don't deal with that little bit of adversity, sometimes you'll like discover, oh, no, this is like way more interesting and compelling what I found instead. But man, that uphill work is so, so torturous. It's so bad. Write me to find out which episodes were really, really rough to write that I think I'm proud of. And which ones I just like flew out of me.

And I was like, I don't know. This is good. but it came out quick. Hey there, folks. You know me. It's your boy, Daniel O'Brien, here to talk about my dog, Jackson. One time, years ago,

Soren, the co-host of this podcast, was watching my dog for me. Soren and his wife were taking care of the dog while I was on some kind of trip. And it wasn't Soren's fault, but when I got back, Jackson, my dog, was very sick. He was about three years old at the time.

He was very sick. He was not eating. He was not going to the bathroom. He was not. drinking water. He was throwing up a lot. And they say when they're not eating and they're not going to the bathroom, that's when there's trouble. I made an appointment for the next day, the vet, and I care about my dog so much that I stayed up with him all night because he couldn't get himself to go to sleep because he was so uncomfortable, something he ate, some garbage he ate off the street, made him sick.

And so I just stayed up with him the way you would with any loved one, because that's how important my dog is to me. That's the bond that we share. My dog and me. We stayed up all night. Didn't even have the TV on or anything. I just sat and watched him be uncomfortable and moved him around when he needed to move around and helped him get off the couch when it was time to puke. And then a few days later, he was all better. Everything's fine. I just wanted to tell that story to let you know how much I care about my dog, Jackson. And today's episode is sponsored by the ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program. ever found yourself awake at 2 a.m. or later, phone in hand, Googling things like, is this normal for dogs? Should I call the vet? You're not alone. Those unexpected moments are part of having a

pet, which is exactly why ASPCA pet health insurance exists. It helps take some of the financial stress out of vet care. So you could focus on your pet and less on the cost. The ASPCA pet health insurance program offers customizable accident and illness plans that can fit your budget and lifestyle, even your pet's particular quirks. Because let's be honest, vet bills. can add up fast. ASPCA pet health insurance has been around for almost 30 years in this covered over one million on pets. And when it's time to submit a claim, it's easy. Just use their app and receive reimbursement for eligible vet bills directly into your bank account so you can get back to focusing on what really matters your pet. To explore coverage, visit ASPCApetinsurance.com

slash question. That's ASPCA pet insurance.com slash question. Again, that's ASPCA pet insurance.com slash question. This is a paid advertisement insurance is underwritten by either independent American insurance company or United States Fire Insurance Company, produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance. Oh, Sorin, I don't have much to talk about today, even though we don't see each other in a bit, but I did have a night of fun. It was, speaking of writing, it felt like a very relatable experience. Last night, my son and I went to go meet, or my wife for dinner out in town. She takes a ferry

from crops in New York. That's so nice. And we're like, it's a nice night. Let's go to a restaurant after work and just like sit outdoors and have a nice little Wednesday evening for ourselves. And we're sitting outdoors. My wife and I and our boy who's like starting to get a little bit fussy at this time because it's nighttime. And an older couple walks by and they see me interacting with the boy who's getting fussy. and the guy quips as he's walking,

you should tell that kid, hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere, and he walks down the street. And once he's out of earshot, I turn to Shay and I go, it's 6 o'clock now here. That doesn't make any sense. Later in the meal, appetizers come. My son is really not having a good time. So I pick him up and I'm bouncing him and like walking around the street.

And this same couple from before is now walking. the other way. They're completing their walk and they pass us again and the guy says, look at him. He's saying, Dad, I wanted Chinese and I laugh at that because that's a good joke and I just think man, what a good opportunity. You got another swing at

a joke. Yeah. He really blew the first one. And I'm sure you spent the rest of your walk being like 5 o'clock somewhere. Why would the kid even be saying that? It is 6 o'clock here. Kid's not saying. Yeah. You wouldn't tell the kids 5 o'clock

somewhere. That's what you say when you're trying to justify drinking at like 10 in the morning. I know. I really blew that. Oh, honey, look. Let's take another walk around the block. I got one. I got it.

Well, I'm going to give you two. You tell me which one works. Quick, quick, quick. I understand his trajectory. If there's not a baby there and it's just an adult who's like looking really down and you say, hey, it's five o'clock somewhere, when it's six o'clock, then it's a funny joke. then it's like i can't imagine he was working on that many levels but but i agree it's a baby also it doesn't work anymore i agree if you had said to me at 6 p.m or 8 p.m. is 5 o'clock somewhere i mean like

that's a good joke so when you get a laugh but this guy i think it's just like gotta say something i got to say some kind of joke uh okay it's a restaurant he's got a cocktail in front of him there's an upset baby um what are some funny t-shirts i've seen okay i'm just going to roll with it. Five o'clock somewhere, right? Fuck me. God damn it. I should have gone with the Big Johnson.

God damn. Yeah, I got booed on my family trip for telling a joke. Oh, okay. Not just by like someone on a bike or something. Yeah. No, I wasn't like at T.J. Max and somebody saw the shirts I was getting and booed me. I was at my, because we have, this is what we do in the summers we go see Colleen's family and then we go see my family. and we were with Colleen's whole family

and I was like it was quiet and so I did that thing where I don't have one in mind but I'm like it would be funny right now to be like does everyone want to hear a joke so I did that that got a little laugh and then people were like come on soren tell the joke so I was

like okay I thought for a second and the first in the came of mine was the one that was like one that I think is funny where I was like why doesn't the president wave with this hand and everyone's like sitting there thinking about it and like okay why and I was like, because this one is mine. And the reaction was brutal.

They were not, it wasn't a silence. It wasn't like a, we didn't think that was funny. It was a, we're angry. We're angry at you. That's a fine. That's a sweet family joke. And I was like, well, the real joke was what I asked you all if you wanted to hear a joke. So fuck off.

This was the icing on the cake. I'm still winning. I didn't get the other opportunity. I couldn't be like, all right, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on. Let's dig into the old... Because you know, I know you don't have, like, a bag of jokes to do. I don't either. I have, like, a couple of street jokes that I didn't come up with that it's like, this is an example of a joke that I enjoy.

But I don't have, like, well, if you didn't like that, you're going to like this one. You gain them for a little bit with your kids because they are hungry for them. And they don't, they understand about 40%, but they love all the... the idea. They love the setup and the punchline. They love the flow of it, the melody. Like, they're just into it. So for a while, I had a bunch all, all ready to go. And then, then that falls away so fast. It's like buying a ring. You know everything there is to know about color, cut and clarity and all that stuff. And then all of a sudden, it's no longer valuable information to you. And you're like, I, you know what? That was gone immediately. And I'm proud of

myself honestly because when I still have my entire second grade class memorized and that's a nightmare. I good for me for knowing how to how to sort information and seeing that in my brain and being like, don't need that anymore. Fill it with Spanish or something else. God, I would love to clear out some childhood friend phone numbers so I could have a little bit more room for Spanish. Imagine all the things from your childhood that you still remember where you're like, but that experience sucked. They're not in like a formative way.

It was just boring or whatever. and you're like you can't get rid of it or a dream you had two years ago and you still think about it and you're like but it but but but i would nothing happened can i just i would lose that easily and gain something else anyway so how was your trip otherwise after getting booed by your family yeah i have something exciting to talk about um and i thank god from my trip and i want to ask a quick question of you daniel sorry this is abnormal but can i ask you a quick question absolutely can have you ever seen Anyone get arrested at an airport? No. I thought I was going to see someone get kicked out of an airport for truly, like, a very dumb reason. This was Newark Airport. So already, we're all pretty violent. Working with the cream of the crop already of travelers.

And it was very early in the morning, like a 7.30 a.m. flight or something like that. but we're through. We are through the hard part. Security. We're through baggage. We are at our gate and we've got time to kill. And I haven't been to Newark Airport in a minute and I don't know if it's

changed. I don't know if this is a relatable experience to other airports and indeed to people who don't fly. But in the past you used to be able to go to an airport restaurant bar with cash money and you used to like order food. or drinks and get them. And then you could do that with a credit card too. You could say to a person

that you wanted to do a thing. And they would take your card and they would give you the thing and they would give you your card back. And in some cases, you would have a little thing on your, a little like an iPad in front of the, in front of your seat. And you could order what you want right from the iPad and not talk to a person and swipe your card on the iPad and that's how you pay. And that felt like really good forward momentum and progress and it should have stopped there but then at some point newark was like we've got an even better solution no iPads no people to talk to no cash no money you will scan a QR code and download an app and upload your credit card into the app on your phone and order there which to some people may seem like progress to this person

person, to me, it did not. To me, I was like, yeah. No, somebody who flies twice a year. I hate typing my, my fucking number, my credit card into my, into my phone. And like, the Wi-Fi is never great in an airport. And I would rather just, like, order from a person. That option is not available to me. So fine, I type my credit card into the thing.

Another guy was just livid. He wanted his Bloody Mary, or he wanted his 7.30 a.m. bourbon. No judgments, but it's what he wanted. and I'm clearly judging him for it and he was so mad and he's like talking to a staffer there who obviously also doesn't like this, doesn't want this

but he's like no I can't I cannot take cash from you and I can't give you a drink I can't do it. He's like, yes you can't! It's like no I can't I know you can't and he's like taking money and throwing it at the person who also didn't sign up for this and he's just like I

you could throw whatever money you want but um there's only one way to get drinks or food here and it and and my hands are tied they won't let us do otherwise and this guy is so mad and he's got his money and he's got his car and he's like i i agree that i'm also that it's also a stupid system but he is like red-faced and stomping and yelling at 730 in an airport and like Like, you can't, you can't get thrown out of an airport for losing your temper. It's all, it's already, it's already stupid to lose your temper as an adult anywhere. But an airport, you're, you're not, you're not like in the street. You're not, you're not mad because you're in a, uh, a store.

You're at a Sam Goody or a nobody beats the whiz And someone in line behind you bumped you or something And you're getting into a confrontation You're at the airport because you need to be somewhere We all you got so far in the airport You have to you got to get on that plane You can't call your ride Be like hey listen I can't how far you get to pick me up at five anymore

I got kicked out of the airport Because I threw my money at a kid and you're not allowed to do that. I called him a bunch of words that I'm not going to say ever again. But anyway, the plane police said I'm not allowed to fly today. I had to take 24 hours to cool off until I'm allowed to fly again. Anyway, that didn't happen. He just screamed at some kid and at some point was like, I'm going to take my business to one of the other airport bars. And the kid was like, okay. And he went to some other airport bar that has the exact same system and then sheepishly returned and put his number into the thing.

Yeah. I mean, I, listen, if that guy is drinking at 7 in the morning, he is on the verge of collapse. And so he knows that if he doesn't get that drink in him soon, he's running on fumes at this point. And just the thought of like using your shaky hand to try and put a nap on your phone, he was just like, I know the system. Trust me. The government takes, the government said anything, anyone can take this money. Like, I'll give you money and you just give me the drink. I will pay you 200% of what you want.

Yeah. Give me the gasoline because I need to keep going. And I bet in a lot of places that would work. If you just dropped enough money, someone eventually somewhere would be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, here's whiskey. Oh, yeah. Go for sure. Go nuts. Have fun.

$200? Sure. Let me know when you want a refill. Take the bottle. But this is a system where I'm sure the airport is like, no, the machine that holds the whiskey will not unlock unless it gets a verification from the phone. So I mostly just stand here behind the bar to take abuse and to clean up after you. Well, my circumstance was slightly different than that.

Great. I witnessed a group of police. And I didn't really, you know, occasionally I guess you see police walking through, but they're never in like, they never coagulate anywhere. And there was like a whole, they're like six or seven these cops around this woman. And they were holding her bag. She was sitting down. And next to her, they're pulling. out what look like, I don't know what they are, but they're pulling out something that looks like it's some sort of retail theft.

And there's sunglasses cases maybe. They're like something hard, compact. So they're like, it's either makeup or it's sunglasses or it's a, like a purse or something. But they're pulling out these things that she's stolen, I guess. And she's just sort of sitting there quietly taking it. And I was like, what how, what would possess somebody to steal? in an airport. You're trapped. Never are you more logged and more accountable than when you're in an airport. I can see it. Everybody knows being in an airport store and thinking like, who's really looking for theft here? There's so much other stuff they're supposed to be looking for. There's a reason they're not looking for a theft because it's their cameras never, nowhere is there more cameras. Nowhere are you more trackable. No where are you more trapped? You're stuck there until your flight takes off. If you're going to steal, do it when group A starts boarding or group one starts boarding, go steal what you want and then get on your plane as quickly as you can.

But it was wild. And then I was like, do people steal? And connoisseurs of the show will know that I really enjoy watching police videos, both police videos where the police are corrupt and terrible, and you get to see it on their body cam. And police videos where sovereign citizens want to fight the law in them in their car and be like, I wasn't driving. I was traveling. I was travel. Like, I love all of it and discovered that there are so many airport theft videos or people just getting arrested in airports. And it scratches that itch in the back of my brain so nicely because it's every it has all the elements of those other ones that I love. But it's like confined to an airport. So the police are, let me just set the scene.

Someone will steal something. And by the way, it's sunglasses all the time. Sure. There's like there's everybody steals sunglasses in the airport for whatever reason. So the scene is there's somebody talking to the sunglass hut or whatever optics store there is. And they're saying, yeah, we have video of somebody coming in and stealing this. This is what they're wearing. And the cops are not in a hurry at all because they're like, where's this fucker going to go?

And then they just sort of like walk around a little bit. And they just wander through gates. And they're like, there he is. Or there she is. And they will go get the person. person always does the same thing. They pretend to be shocked that the police are talking to them. The police say, we need you to just come with us for a little bit. They say, why? The police say, we'll talk about it when we get there. And they say, all right, well, I need to go to the bathroom

first. And the police say, no, because we know what you're doing. We know that you're going to try and dispose of whatever you took. And every single time, they say, we have a place, we have a bathroom you can use there. And then if it's a lady, this is frequently what will happen next. She'll say, no, I need to change my tampon right now. I need to go into the bathroom right now. I need to change my tampon. And they will say, we have a place you can do that. She's like, it's too far.

It needs to be done right now or I will go into shock. And the guys will claim that they're going to shut themselves. And eventually they will convince. So, you know, obviously they could have walked there in the amount of time that they then spend arguing. They take them to a little room. They like, now you can use the bathroom. and then they talk to them for a little while while one of the other officers goes in the bathroom, it just digs up the sunglasses and brings them out.

It's like, did you put these in there? I have no idea how those got there. Occasionally, there will be somebody who is defiant. And they're like, I didn't steal shit. No, these are my sunglasses. That sunglasses store doesn't even sell these sunglasses. Let's go back and talk to them. Let's go back.

Let's just go there and talk to him. We'll settle this. So the police are like, all right, yeah, I'm curious how this will go. And so because they've got nothing but time. Yeah. And so they're like, yeah, all right, I want to see this interaction. And so they'll bring them back. only ones who don't have a plane to catch.

And so they'll bring them back and they'll say, they'll go, hey, you were right next to me the whole time. You saw me trying those sunglasses and then put them back. And like, actually on the footage, I can see you tearing off the metal detector with your teeth. He's like, no, no, the tag was just, it was on my ear and I couldn't stand it when I was trying them on. Then you, you know, like, well, what are those sunglasses around your neck? I'm like, you don't even sell these. And the guy will be like, yeah, those are the sunglasses that he would try it on that he took.

And then my favorite part happens, which is once people realize that they're caught, they say, but my flight's in 40 minutes or their flights in whenever it is. Like they're still going to go. Right. Which is incredible. That's probably in the back of the mind for every theft that they do is where it's like, well, even if I'm caught, I'll just say that like, I'm really sorry, I will face justice in. Tucson where I'm where I'm going now. Yeah. Like I would love to go to the police station with you, but I have this ticket that says I need to be on the plane.

So officer, you understand. The ticket trumps your law. I have to go. There's a great one with an Irish guy who's getting busted for sunglasses. And when they tell him that he can't get on his flight or they probably won't make his flight, he's like, but my dad has cancer. And they're like, are you going to see your dad? He's like, yeah, like, where are you going? He was like, Honolulu.

And they're like, okay, all right, great. And the cops are always calm in these because, again, not in a hurry. And the worst thing that could happen is somebody steals. You find out what they look like. You track them on every single camera that's in the airport. You watch which gate they go to. And when they get on a flight, you now know who that person is. Yeah.

You're tracked so hard. in an airport. Right. I was going to say at some point during travel, they added this step, whereas I'm handing in my passport or scanning my boarding pass or whatever, someone's like, hey, look, look here real quick. And I look my eyes into a camera. And they're like, okay. And I'm just like, what did that? What did I just do? Who has that? Who did I just give my face? Why did I say yes? What's going on? Not only that. The people, at the airport are only a handful of the people in the world who have seen you naked. They've seen everything about you. They know your face. They know your body type. They know your ball size.

Can I give you a little fun fact sort? Yeah. No, they haven't. That information. You hide them up inside your body. When you go through, like one of those dogs standing up, when you go through the scanner. and a thing moves around your body, taking nudie pictures. And then there's a person staring at a screen and saying yes or no. It probably seems like they're looking at pictures of your body. But in fact, the scan goes somewhere else. And then whomever looks at it somewhere else outside of the airport retransmits information to the TSA person. that won't explicitly show them your bits and pieces.

They will just show them like the problem areas. There's a disturbance around the groin area or the armpits area or the whatever. And that'll prompt the TSA person to maybe pat you down or maybe take you to another room where you'll get searched in a different way and maybe they will have an idea of your bits and pieces. but as far as like when your body is scanned, they do not get, they are not the person that you think is looking at your news. It's someone in a different state.

It's some guy. Some guy in a dark row somewhere where he can't be bothered. I feel like that's a great opportunity to gamify a system and push that to the edge, give that back to the public where turn it into a game where they have to find the people TSA that are carrying something. And so you just log in every once in well, you do your time, you go through like 20 people and

five other people are also doing those 20 and you're just at the time, you're just like, yeah. Oh, wait, I saw something. No, no, no, clear, clear, clear. Uber for airport security. Let's do it. Uber TSA. Oh, loving this idea.

Uber clear. Uber clear. Come on, folks. There's tons of videos of this of people. And some of them get busted on the airplane, which is so satisfying because they thought they got it. They thought they got away. And they're like sitting on the cat. There's a guy with headphones that he stole listening to the headphones on the plane just like on the best.

I rolled through a city. I took what I wanted and I disappeared into the night. And they come in and every single time the person is like, what? No. No, these with the tag on them? I've had these forever. the rest of the people on the plane I would be so mad

if a plane was delayed in takeoff because some fucking fucking Danny Ocean thought he could snag some cufflinks from the duty-free store and get away with it and then we all have to he has to deplane and then someone else takes our spot on the tarmac and higher stock in traffic yeah you missed your window And so, yeah, you've got to weight it out on the tarmac.

I really can't tell if I respect airport theft or not. Because if it inconveniences the other passengers, yeah, I really don't, I don't care for that at all. But I do kind of feel like airports, you could be anyone you want in an airport. You can have bourbon at 7.30 because you're not flying a plane. Well, it depends on them if you're willing to put the app. I mean, if you have the app, sure. It seems like we're all allowed to be a different person. It's Halloween, but in the airport all the time.

And you should be able to try out a little bit of theft. And then the airport cops, who are not real cops, they can come and say, hey, we caught you and you're not allowed to do that. And then you should just be like, ah, rats. Well, I was just testing the fences. Obviously, I wasn't going to steal the sunglasses because I know that it's a closed loop here. I was just killing time like all of us. us, here you go, sunglasses back. You should be allowed to steal and see if you get away with it.

That's the other thing that they all try to do is that they will say, okay, you caught me, but you know what, I didn't want these, please give them back. Or I will pay for them. The cops at that point, they're like, that's not how it works. And they're like, but it could. Yeah. Could? I mean, who's really hurt in the end?

If the airport, the whole airport is the store. You can arrest me if I'm still in the store. I haven't stolen them yet at C-45. I want to see how they look over here in a flight going to Houston. It's really funny you to watch. I really enjoy it. I don't like that you aren't allowed to do that, by the way, that you aren't allowed to just be like, I don't, I stole, I admit it.

This is humiliating. Shouldn't that be punished him in enough for me? Can't I just give you what you need now, give you the product? I'll even pay extra for it. whatever it takes to get out of this situation. The store still has the sunglasses. The store is not missing anything. No, the only person.

And I don't have anything. You've inconvenienced is the police. And again, I can't stress this enough. They're doing nothing. Yeah. They're just chilling in the airport. You've been to airports. You see them.

They're like waiting for an opportunity like this. This is really an experience for them. They get excited. So excited that they publish the body cam footage and I get to watch it. Yeah. But it is the most patient I've ever seen police. There's also circumstances where people walk out on their bills at Chili's to go or whatever, or they just like drink a bunch and they're like, who would catch me?

And they just walk out on their bill. That seems pretty doable. Also, pretty undoable. I mean, it's pretty impossible because, again, you're tracked so hard. And now you're signing it to a mobile app. It's very easy to see who didn't pay. But yeah, I watched a guy go drink a bunch at one bar, went to a different bar, drank there, and didn't pay at either one of them. And so the police are like, you got to pay.

And he's like, I'm a fucking veteran. Hell yeah, King. You still got to pay. And then that's one word. Also, I bet you're not. I don't think. Veterans almost never say that. So this guy pulls out a receipt and he doesn't.

He's like, I got the receipt right here. Then, can we see it? He's like, no. Like, can we see it? They'll look at it. And it's from like, whatever those newsstands are where he bought a payday. And they're like, no, no, this doesn't count. You also drank 14 drinks.

And so the people who are drunk there are also very fun. There's only one that I've seen where I was like, fuck, glad they got that guy. There was a family that was hiding out in a Hudson's because a man had come up to their daughter. and was asking her if she felt comfortable in the airport. And she was like, I guess so. He's like, can I get you anything? And she was like, no. And he was like, asking her questions about where she's going.

She's traveling alone and stuff. And then he keeps circling back and like talking to her more. And her family's like, please leave our daughter alone. He won't do it. And so they hide out in Hudson News and the cops come in there and they like, okay, well, can you just grab the guy? And they're like, we don't have to. He's standing right over there just waiting for her to come out. And their true for him is this tall, this like long, lanky guy who's just standing at a corner. And is the most defiant abrasive dickhead to the cops, which is the worst thing you can do.

They're asking him questions and he won't answer any questions. He's just being a smart ass to him and everything. And they're being very patient with him. And then he does the funniest thing, which is like they get him in handcuffs and they take him over to a section that's not, I'm still in like the main quadrant of the airport. but it's by some doors. So he's out of the way. And as they're talking to him, he just makes a break for it through the doors with handcuffs on.

His luggage and everything is still there. All of his IDs, everything that he could possibly have. I'm obsessed with him. And he tries to make a break for it. And he hits the door and the door doesn't open and they just grab him. And this guy gets arrested. And he's like, I have this. late, I'm supposed to be somewhere.

And they're like, yeah, but you understand that circumstances have changed for you. And they keep pleading the case that they're supposed to be somewhere. Like, that means anything anymore. And it was really, really wonderful watching that guy get arrested. I don't know what he got charged with or anything. But, yeah, he was just being a sleazy dickhead and then was a real asshole of the cops and then just got arrested. It's so great. You paid for a ticket.

Flying is so expensive. You went through security. It's such a pain in the ass. Yeah. You're so close. And because you need to be somewhere. I'm stressed the entire time I'm traveling that a single thing will go wrong and it will disrael my trip.

I'm like, I fly gets delayed. My bag isn't where it's supposed to be. Something happens there where like it's wrong. And so I'm living stressed out in an airport just trying to make sure everything goes according to plan. There are people who are in airport who are like, and now I'll take too ambient because one won't cut it on this plate. And they're like unresponsive and they get kicked off the plane.

It's amazing. It was really fun. It was fun watching this woman get arrested and that it opened this door up to me because I was like watching her get arrested and I thought it didn't even occur to me to try to steal in an airport. And I steal all the time. I'm a thief in the night. Absolutely.

And the day. And the day. But watching her get her. And she was at that. I could already see like the point she was at, which was. She knew that she was busted and she was sitting there. And man, I wish I could have been there when she said, but I have a flight. Oh, I live for that moment.

Anyway, I encourage you to go watch these videos. Go watch any of these airport videos where people get caught stealing. They're a joy. Yeah, that sounds good. I'll do that. That should wrap up this episode a quick question. That'll do it. That'll do it.

Thank you, everybody, for listening. Daniel is hitting his thighs as we speak, which means it's time to go. And I have to close the show, so he's being held hostage by me. like a thief in an airport If you liked our theme song That's by Me Rex If you liked The video

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