Quick Question with Soren and Daniel - The Free Soup Conspiracy | Quick Question Ep. 315

Episode Date: January 6, 2026

On this episode, Daniel concludes his year-long feud with a New Jersey restaurant regarding false promises of post-race soup. Meanwhile, Soren gets physically trapped inside the trunk of a Chevy Volt while attempting a battery change in the rain. Plus: The dark science of motivating children with stories about drowning mice, proper running hand placement (T-1000 vs. Potato Chip), and the economic impossibility of fairness in arcade prize redemption.Chapters: 0:00 - The history of Cracked books (and the one that failed)04:25 - The Resolution of the Free Soup Saga5:15 - Motivating children with the "Drowning Mice" experiment24:00 - Why we look terrible when running27:50 - Running form: T-1000 vs. Holding a Potato Chip35:00 - The Arcade Fairness Doctrine (Zootopia 2)38:30 - The tragedy of the heart bells47:00 - Soren gets trapped in a Chevy Volt trunk56:00 - Remembering how to fix cars pre-InternetSupport the Show:Patreon: www.patreon.com/quickquestionInstagram: www.instagram.com/qqsorenanddanielCredits: Hosts: Soren Bowie & Daniel O'BrienTheme Song: Me RexProduced By: Gabe HarderAsst. Editor: Liam HarderThanks to Factor for sponsoring this episode. FACTORMEALS.com/qq50off and use code qq50off for 50% off your 1st Factor box + free breakfast for 1 year. Offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase.Thanks to ASPCA for sponsoring this episode. To explore coverage, visit ASPCApetinsurance.com/QUESTION.  The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance.Follow the guys on Bluesky!https://bsky.app/profile/danielobrien.bsky.socialhttps://bsky.app/profile/sorenbowie.bsky.socialBonus episodes 2x/month at patreon.com/quickquestion OR Apple Podcasts

I've got a quick, quick question for you all right. I want to hear your thoughts on what's on your mind. I've got a quick, quick question for you all right. The answer's not important. I'm just glad that we could talk tonight. So what's your favorite? Who did you get? When will I be?

What's it out? Where'd it all? Oh, forget it. Sorry and buried down you were Brian. Two best friends and comedy writers If there's an answer, they're going to find it I think you'll have a great time here I think you'll have a great time here

Welcome back Woo, Woo, Thousand Funny Sticks That's what we're calling this year That's what we decided on. Yeah, a lot of things lost out to that. You don't want to know the names. Man, that's what we landed on. It's the new year.

It's our first episode of the new year. The show is a quick question with Soren and Daniel. I am Daniel O'Brien, senior writer for last week tonight with John Oliver, author of How to Fight Presidents and your co-host. And I'm joined, as always, by Soren Bowie. Soren say hello. Introduce yourself. Let's go.

Hello, I'm Soren Bowie, just as he said. I'm a writer for American Dad, winner of no award. deserver of many and uh i wrote a book god damn it i wrote a i was well that's part of a book i was part of a book for cracked and uh i i wrote whole sections of it and then that book didn't do great it didn't and the book before that that i didn't work on did very well so you be the judge am i a writer it's such a bummer the the you might be a zombie another bad news was the first cracked book and it became a new york times bestseller and it did did very well. It was a combination of a lot of old articles and a few new ones. I didn't

have any time to do any original writing for that book because I was rewriting so many of the other articles that were coming in and making them workable in a book format instead of the online format. And I was like reaching out to some, to, I was, Jack and Jason and I were coordinating with our illustrators on like what we want the drawings to be and we were wrangling writers who had written a bunch of stuff for the site but didn't have anything in the book like glastone at the time i was like we don't have anything from you and and i feel like you should have something in the book so i was like reaching out to him reaching out to other people to get stuff for them and didn't have any time to do like and here's my piece of original writing for it because there was just so much editing and rewriting

that needed to happen on our end and then the dext book which was our follow-up We were so, so much more proud of internally and had done so much more original writing and work on. And Jack especially loved that book and was like, this is the one that I wanted us to write is what he was saying at the time. And we were all pumped and it was hardcover and the first one was soft cover. And I didn't ever get clarity on the numbers, but no one was asking us for a third book after that. No. We worked, yeah, we worked really, really hard on that book. We wanted it to look like a tech.

book. Like, we wanted it to be something that it was like, hey, here's all the things that you learned that were either wrong or not the most interesting fact. And like, it's such a great premise. And we rewrote a lot of stuff that we had previously had on the site. And it was the editors rewriting it. And like, and then also I wrote a acknowledgments for that book that I was like, this, I'm going to write the shit out of this acknowledgments. And we wrote so much for that. And it was not a successful endeavor. It was a great premise and like, felt spiritually like everything that we were doing with the crack.com experiment. It felt like this is the encapsulation in book form of what we've been doing and what we've

been trying to do. And the message was pretty clear that the audience was like, no, we just want you to print out the articles and staple them together. That's what we want. We don't want the spirit of this. We want the letter of it. Jack wrote a forward for that that I think he's also very proud of. It was all about the color blue and culturally, like, what the color blue has meant and, like, when the blue didn't exist and stuff like that.

And it's like, things don't exist unless you have a word for them. And here's the words for in front of you. And everyone was like, fuck you. Write the articles again. Stay pulling together. But it's a great book, and you can still buy it, I think, probably. Anyway, I got some more writing to share with you, Soren. Shit.

Is it ours? No. There's some backstory first. So there's this race that I do a lot. I've done a few times. It's in Asbury Park, New Jersey, Bruce Springsteen. Shout out, boss. Shout out sparrows.

Friend of the show. Front of the show, the Sopranos, and boss. It's an easy run. It's cold. Some people do a polar plunge after it. I do my own polar plunge around this time of year, separate from that. So I don't do it, but I do the race. That sounds like a lie.

I do my polar plunge in Canada. You wouldn't know it. Yeah. And it's like way colder than the ones that you guys do. Yeah. It's like colder and awesomer and cooler. I can show you a picture. I keep a picture of my wallet of it.

You could see it. These are just like glamor shots of it. It's beautiful. So wait, are they jumping into the sea? Sorry to interrupt. Yeah, yeah, they are. Okay. All right, go on.

But my dad and I did the race a few years ago, it was like blinding sheets of snow when we did the race. And I do it now, it's always around New Year's time. And it's flat, so it's like a pretty good opportunity to get personal best on it. And I like doing it just like a 5K, just like bang it out on a weekend. And I did it last year. And when they, when Shore A.C., which is the running club that puts it on, they sent out their email. And I was like, here's the race. Here's all the information.

And good news. This restaurant will be providing free soup to people who finish the race. I was like, that's great. I love soup. I love free soup, especially. And I did the race last year. And I did a personal best last year. I ran 2213, which is the fastest 5K I've ever run in my life.

and I finished and I said soup and I kept shouting soup and there was no soup and then I went to the restaurant that was supposed to be doing it and they said I don't know why they told people about this we don't have any soup we're not even equipped to give out soup right now and um for

we don't even a soup pot we've never made soup in our lives yeah and I didn't want to quibble with the guy but it was like every restaurant can make soup sir get me back there I'll whip up a few. And for a few months,

every time Shore A.C., the running club would post something about the race on Instagram, like, here's our finisher, or like, everyone had a good time dressed up for the polar plunge. I would comment on their Instagram and say, you said there's free soup, and there's no free soup, where's the free soup? I did this for months. And whatever poor bastard who ran their social media account never got back to me. fast forward to this year I get the email about the race

and the email comes in and again they're promising soup and there's a contact page on the website and so I wrote last year the description said Robinson Alehouse would be handing out free soup after the race but there was no free soup

and when I asked the staff at Robinson they said I don't know why they told people that we don't even have soup right now I see that you are again promising free soup is that also a lie will there actually be free soup this year I'm not crazy I just really like soup which I think

Says exactly what you want it to. Sometimes when you write a email. And you're like, I don't think these people reading it know that I'm not crazy. How can I suddenly let them know? Tell them I'm not crazy. What I'm saying, I'm going to be on your side for a second. What I'm saying sounds crazy. I understand that.

I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm like you. We are the same. Has anyone else, when you go through the comments, and surely you did this, was anyone else complaining about the soup? No. and like I got to tell you buddy

the comments section of Shore ACs running club pictures of finishers it's not a vibrant community there's not a ton of action in there but that's good there's a lot of people who are saying like congrats or looks like a nice day

no one is no one's hanging out that means that somebody's reading your comments that means they're not getting buried in the wash of comments you're your front and center every single time I was hoping for more

a little bit of community support I was hoping for someone to just be like I hope someone gets this guy his soup. Like, I don't have a dog in this fight, but it's clear that soup is important to this person. Let's apply a little bit of pressure to get some action on this. But no one, no one came to my aid. The website responded to me this year after my officially not crazy question.

I said, hi, Daniel, we were also upset by this outcome last year. There was a mix-up with someone on maternity leave, and unfortunately, that led to no soup on race. day. This year. Are they flamed it on a pregnant woman? I know. It's so fucking crazy. It's insane. They didn't even say sick leave. They didn't specifically. This is why we can't hire women anymore for the race.

Mix up with someone on maternity leave. Don't worry. She's gone now. You'll never have to deal with that again. We took care of it. But the email continues, this year we are extra on top of it and there will be soup. I appreciate your affinity for soup and your support of our event. hope to see you next week. Please reach out with any other questions. Soren, I ran the race. Didn't hit a PR because I hadn't been training for speed. I just wanted to do the race.

Soren, I got soup. I got my free soup. That is a PR. That's the first time you've gotten soup. It is. It's the first time I've gotten soup. It was chicken noodle soup. I ate it in my car.

And I texted my wife. I got the soup. Here's a picture of the soup. And she's like, that's great. Do you need anything from the store? Soup, please. More of this goddamn soup, I can't get enough. Okay, I want to thank Factor for sponsoring today's episode.

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Offer only valid for new factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewance subscription purchase. Make healthy eating easy with factor. How big was it? Was it just a little cup of soup? It was a little cup that was about half full. Dude. I know.

But there's still like nothing makes me feel more like some kind of. returning warrior, then crossing a finish line, and yelling soup, and then getting soup. It's wonderful. It's wonderful. And being like, mutton. Yeah, yeah. And then bring you a mutton! And then bring you a leg.

And you're like, yes, exactly what I want it. Now, what a dangerous game you're playing, because I would say, like, 60% of soups are cream-based. Yeah. And you're still going to be like, I want this soup? Yeah. it did play in my mind that I would cross the line and then get to the soup table

and it would be New England clam chatter and I'd be like no thanks not for me see ya and then just have to leave soupless there's like every

soup has some heavy cream in it every good soup has some all the best soups for sure chicken noodle yeah chicken noodles got its role but I mean I can't think of what you would have gotten other than that minestrone

and like what would a gamble that would have been can't get wedding soup Even some, and, I mean, there's no way around this without passive-aggressively seeming like a deep dick. Even some minestrone soups are Parmesan. Oh, right. Yeah. And you were, it was just that it was free.

And it was like, it sounded good to South, to say soup and someone handed to you. There's so many races that you run and they have like orange peels and bananas and sometimes like a quarter portion of a bagel. And there are so few races where they're just. just like, here's some soup for you, my boy, my good boy, who ran the race, who woke up early and ran a race, here, have some soup. And I just, I think it's such a special, special little thing that I look forward to and think about way too much. So, wait, it's a thing that you can't hand out. You need, you need so many bowls and so many spoons yeah to even like get close to like yeah get within like the striking distance of getting soup to

every single person it's borderline impossible and you're you're by design standing in line in the cold waiting for soup because you can't yeah they're not going to like ladle out 20 soups and have you pick them up like you're picking up a cup of water they can't yeah preset it they have to do it one at a time per person. So now I'm standing in the cold, waiting for my small portion of soup, like I imagine, Russians of the past, because I don't really have a grasp on history, but it just seems like something that would happen in like old country, lining up in your cold, wet clothes, waiting for your small ration of whatever the daily meal was. See, I was sort of hoping that maybe they didn't do it again this year. That would have been

really funny. That would have been a very good bit, and then it would have been an even better bit for you next year. Oh. To then be one of the people on the sidelines who's like handing out water, but you are standing there under a tent with a cauldron, and as people are running by, you're just dipping in some soup and handing it to the... Yeah. So someone runs by, they're like, what?

Oh, someone has given me soup on my run. I'm always kind of hoping that things go wrong so I can continue an email correspondence as well and reach out to reach back out. Be like, me again. I really believed you this time. I'll be back next year. Don't worry about the soup. I will be back next year.

But worry about the soup next year. Did you get within 23 minutes? I think I was 23 in change. Okay. I'm confident that I was 23 in change. And it's, again, I wasn't really training for speed, so I didn't think I was going to hit a PR. I did feel good at the start.

My first mile was 7.11, and I was feeling pretty good. Then there were some wins hitting you in the face on the way back. So the whole back half of the race was a little bit rougher. and I, there comes a time in any race where I can look at my watch and see what my time is for where I'm at, at two miles, and just intuitively, no, I'm not breaking any records today. And then you still have to finish the race because of the suit, because that's, that's the agreement. That's why you're there. Now, you say you run this race with your dad. This is a sort of a sensitive question, but I ran it years ago with him.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. I was going to say, because I ran a race recently with. my son and my daughter we did a 5k it was a monster match race at uh in october and like we trained for it it was really fun actually not for them for me um i we would every saturday go to first of all we tried just running in my neighborhood because i was like you don't want to just run around a track track is really boring yeah they both heavily disagree with that they were like i want to see the distance

i'm going basically yeah and i want to see the number of laps i'm doing because otherwise i don't know how far i am or like you've taken me beyond where I've ever walked in my entire life. And so we'd go to a track and we would train. And it was, for my daughter, we were never even going to get to a point where she was going to run the whole time. And that's fine. She's five years old.

But she was doing better than I anticipated. Like, she would run a mile before she started to complain before she'd be like, I want to walk. I'm like, that's a lot. A mile is so far. The longest distance in the world. Yeah. For a little feet. And my son was doing it.

And like, we was getting close. He was never, we never actually went without stopping. We never went the full three point. miles but he was he was doing it and he was like fast well fast for a 10 year old and then we did the race and during it there were moments where he was like I want to just walk for a little bit and I was like no I think it's important and I'd be like hey you know have you ever heard this study about these mice that this terrible guy did where he put some mice in a in a graduated cylinder and there it was filled with water and like a mouse would like kick and kick and kick and then

eventually it would drown within like 45 minutes. It would just give up. And then one time he did it and he took the mouse out right before it drowned and saved it and then put it back in like a month later and the mouse survived for 72 hours because it was expecting to be saved. And like I was telling him all these stories about a woman lifting her car off of her child when she backed over her kid. Not good ones.

But stories about like amazing feats of strength where she lifted her own car. I don't think this mice is hitting home quite enough. lifting a car off of a child like that kind of stuff like you just dig deeper and you find these new reserves of energy and how remarkable that is that your brain will tell you to quit long before your body actually has to and your body's capable of so much more I think the stories did not land okay the telling of stories did land like was enough that like we just kept going because he's like also a very patient person who won't interrupt me and so you can't tell me during those times like please let's stop I thought for sure the story of the mice was going to be the one from Catch Me If You Can, where two little mice were put into a bucket of cream. One of them sank to the bottom. One of them kept going, kicked enough that he churned that butter into cream and walked out the top of the bucket.

The milk into cream, yes. Yeah. That's right. I mean, cream into butter. That's right. Cream into butter. Thank you. Thank you.

And I did not tell him that one. I told him much darker one. But then he was like, he did get concerned. He was like, and then did he save them? after the 72 hours? And I was like, yes. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. I'm sure he did. Those mice are alive today. Yeah. There's no, there are no second acts for lab mice, Ronan. You're going to find that out at some point. They're like, even the ones that are like the best test subjects that was like, man, that was great. All right.

Time to feed you to my snake. Right. I can't use you anymore. You've done. You've been damaged by the last experiment that I did. And now you have to go. Anyway, he ran the whole thing. He did great.

He was like, he was doing. like a nine minute pace, which was really incredible. And it reminded me that when I was a child, I ran what was called the Boulder Boulder in Colorado in Boulder. That was a 10K race. And I was like, oh, fuck, I was doing a 10K. And then I thought back on the race and my

dad and I training for it. And we would run from our cabin in the woods up into I say our cabin. It's like this other little place we also had. My house. You would run from that down into town. And it was like, we were running on the highway. There's just no good place to run.

and then during the race he was he had trained for this race and it was a big deal and so he just was like a certain point we ran together for a little while and he was like okay I'm gonna go ahead I'll see at the finish line and just took off and so I was like a 10 year old running this race alone but didn't that wasn't a concern of mine at the time and I was like thinking about that with my son and my daughter because my wife stayed back with my daughter but I was like we're all going to end up in the same spot what if I just ran this race what if I just went I can see that kicking in for for you and for me, especially if, like, I'm thinking 10 years down the line and I'm running with my kid, which is a dream. I'm not going to force another kid, but wouldn't that be nice if I had some runners? But also thinking if I'm in that first mile and I look down at my app and I'm running a sub seven mile, I think, like, yeah, this is a great moment.

I'm going to have lots of great moments with the kid. This might be my only chance at a PR at that point. I'll be like 50 years old and like, ah, that kid will understand once they see what greatness looks like. Once they see that soup in my hand, they'll know it's all worth it. Their 50 year old father screaming soup.

And so I was asking with your dad, like if you just would just be like, okay, dad, this was a fun race to run with you for a quarter of a mile and I'll see you at the finish line. No, when we were running, we stuck together because we were both just like, that was a Christmas present for him one year, the two of us running a race together.

Even funnier to leave him behind. But, and he's not running as much these days. He's up there in age and more than anything has, like, lost the love of doing it. And as soon as that's gone, that's just like, we're not going to waste your time with that routine anymore. But in his day, and his day went up to, like, you know, 45 or 48 years old competitive running, he was, he would have smoked me. me in any fucking race I ever tried to run at any age with him at that same age.

He was like an insanely fast runner at marathon level at 5K at 10K whatever he was doing. He was just like a disgustingly fast guy. That's, yeah, that's what I feel about my wife. My wife was a

cross-country and track runner. She's a monster. I couldn't believe her times. And then when I would run, and I would think I was fast. I was like, what was your PRs? And she would tell me, I'd be like, oh, that's different. They are a different type of animal than I am. Yeah, I'm, for years when I was doing 5Ks regularly and trying to, like, get my, my time down,

it was like, can I shave a minute off when I ran a 23-something? And I was like, can I get to 22 and change? And I got to the 22 and change. And once I hit, like, 2237 was like, can I shave? 15 seconds off here, 15 seconds off there. You know, I, that's as big as I was dreaming, was like, one day, maybe I'll get under 22, and that will not only be my fastest, but the fastest anyone has ever moved. And then when I was talking to your wife a few years ago about her 5Ks, they were like

16 or 17 minutes for a 5K, and it was like, oh, that's simply not in the cards for me. I can't visualize being that fast. and she was just regularly hitting those numbers. Here's a quick and true and scary story about my pet, my dog, Jackson. I was taking him for a walk not too long ago just down the street, and it was such a lovely night that I decided to go through a part of my neighborhood that I don't normally go to. And I have since decided to stop doing that

because when we were on our walk, another dog broke free of their fence and came at my dog and bit Jackson on the neck and left him mark and it was there was blood it was very scary this was late on a Sunday evening I had to call my vet and their their late night line and send pictures of my dog's wound and got a bunch of advice from them and had to run to the vet the next morning as soon as they opened to bring Jackson in there and figure out what needed to be done. Turns out nothing. It was a tiny minor wound. But, you know, this is the things that we do for our dogs. We love our little pets. I did not sleep that night. I stayed up with my dog to make sure he was fine. He was fine all night. He was excited because he got to tussle with

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it's insane it's that whole group of girls that were well they were lunatics but they they were so fast and they would win constantly so it was like very fun to go to because it was when we had first started dating she was in on cross country and i would go to these cross country meets and on the way i would be pulling over to throw up because i was so hung over and i would show up to these things bleary-eyed and shitty and like smelling like whiskey and then uh she would i would watch these races and i'd be like there you're They're gazelles. It's poetry in motioned. Have you ever seen yourself running? No, I've only seen pictures and I'm not pleased with the way it looks. Go ahead. It sucks real shit. Because when I run in my brain, I look like I imagine Colleen looks when she runs.

Or like the people who are leading Olympic sprits. you know, because I'm going as fast as my body will allow me to go sometimes. And I think I'm looking at my pace and I know it's fast. It's, the numbers are fast. I must look really fucking fast. And I've seen video from like when I've done a half marathon and my wife would film me crossing some part of it. And it's so sad. I look, I'm still going as fast as I am, but I look slow and my mouth is open.

and I just don't, you never look as fast as you feel, and it's such a bummer. Yeah, your form and everything is so, like, it's embarrassing. Like, you look at, I see pictures and I'm like, well, not like that. That's not how I am. They just got a bad one, that's all, but they're all bad ones. Right, the professional photographer that the L.A. Marathon has hired to photograph people. I think he's new. I think he doesn't know his angles.

He's green, but he'll get around and figuring it out. Yeah, it doesn't look good. Also, like, when you're running, you're dehydrated. So, like, that's not helping matters. And then also, you're like, your jowls are just sort of, like, bouncing with every single step. Like, your face kind of, your cheeks kind of do like a ripple when you're running that is not attractive. And then, yeah, your form. Your form just doesn't ever look like it feels.

I run at night sometimes when there's nothing better for your self-image than running at night because you're running under streetlights and stuff. And the way that your shadow moves is so fast because you're moving from streetlight to light and like it looks like you're pre fontaine basically like you are killing it when you're running at night got to get into night runs you know that well we can't now i mean obviously you got wait till the summer i barely do it now and it's 60 degrees at night and i'm like no no too cold no one's running 60 we don't know what had happened to the human body unfortunately another thing i notice about myself that i don't love when i see pictures of me running is i just and there's You know, you can't, I can't get too hung up on the aesthetics of my form because that's just not sensible.

But it turns out I am giving thumbs up the whole time I'm running unconsciously. That's just like, I don't, you know, one of my hands is usually holding my brick of a phone like a cool guy. So that's taken care of. But my other hand is just sort of like unconsciously thumbs up instead of like, I don't know, I'm not doing, I don't know what would be better. Nothing feels natural. Like, I'm not going to, like, consciously do T-1,000 knife hands where my, where all my fingers are up and extended. I'm also not going to run with, like, a closed fist because I'm not angry. I'm never angry.

I'm smiling right now. But natural pose is just, it just ends up being my thumb drifts up in a way that, especially on race day, probably seems like I'm giving thumbs up to spectators. Like, hey, look at me. Doing a good job, buddy. Thank you all for being here. Thank you so much for coming out and seeing me. I, you know, I'm thinking about the way I run now. I think that I do like, I think I'm in a little bit of a thumbs up,

but it's more like a Bob Dole type of thumbs up. Like, it's a very small one. Like, it's a very little one. But that's because my wife told me early on with running. Early in my life when I started running at 27, she was like, pretend like you're holding a potato chip. Like you shouldn't have a grip stronger than that. Because if you try and do try to like make a fist, you're wasting energy.

and like also just trying to even like keep your hands flat out like you're a T1,000. Thank you. No, bigger than a T1,000. I can't remember. But like, yeah, if your hands are like straight out, is it 1,000 in T2? T1,000 is T2, yeah. Okay, good. Yeah.

So if you're T1,000, like, you don't want to do that either because also straining those fingers, like it's just about conservation of energy at every single stage of running. And so you do make somewhat of a fist. Your hands are kind of closed, but you're closed very delicately. like a drummer like the way that you would hold drumsticks if you were doing like a drum roll like you're not you know like you're not you're not holding them tight because you got to get that bounce off the snare and so like and your hands shouldn't be like way up here either they should be way down there like you are drumming basically like it's just like you're hitting a drum that's tied to your waist right there and that's the ideal version of running looks like

shit i've seen it doesn't look good but it's apparently that's the way you're supposed to do it I'm glad you did the race. I'm glad you got your soup. I'm glad I got my soup. I still, it's, I'm a little obsessed with the world building. There was a mix up with someone on maternity leave. And unfortunately, that led to no soup on race day. Like, A, I think it's funny that this, the person who emailed me through this other woman under the bus.

Yeah. And B, if true, I think that's kind of funny for an unpaid worker at this race who is... nine months pregnant and it's closed to race day and she's in charge of soup and then she's like ah my water break and she's rushed to the hospital and then she's just like fuck i didn't tell anyone to make soup not my problem not my problem anymore i've got this now i i think that that's a really funny thing to continue to talk about and be like is she planning on having more children yeah because i'd love to do this race again and i don't want to be in a situation like last time that was a nightmare for me obviously probably worse than labor yeah because she went into labor thinking, at the end of this, I'm going to have a baby. At the end of my physical feet, I get a prize. I had that same thought, but I didn't get my prize. This is a common occurrence, I think, with races in general, not with a super specifically, but they never have enough of the thing at the finish line.

It's what, because at the Monster Mash, too, they had medals and they were dope. They were so cool. They were like these cast steel metals that had also, then were painted white and green. They were rad. And they had a monster on them. My son got one because he finished, you know, he finished. He was running like a 9-11. And my daughter, she got to the finish line and she was so pumped because she saw his

metal. And I was like, I already knew. I was like, they were fucking out of metals. There was a long line of people who could write their names down and maybe they would be sent to metal in four months. And I was just like, you won. And then I took mine and I gave it to her. her. And I was like, this is yours. But she ran with her friend. And her friend did not have a

medal. And it was devastating. It was so sad and bad. And then they eventually someone else at the race gave this little girl one because she was a child who had run a 5K and was weeping that she didn't get a medal at the end. But like I've run other races too where at the end, whatever they promised is like, oh, you didn't finish soon enough. They don't have that for you. We ran out of medals. Well, you know how many people signed up for the race. Right. That information is very clear to you. You don't let people race who didn't sign up. Like that's, we all know exactly the number of people here.

It's a very strange thing because we grew up in our running family. My dad was part of a running club called the Freehold area running club. And he was like on their board or something, maybe. And we, my brothers and I were either racing or more often volunteering at these races because we would get like, like, you know, we're part of the community. And also we're trying to get volunteer hours for academic clubs and college. You know, we're just always getting volunteer hours our whole lives. Because the court ordered.

Yeah, that's right. Just try to fill those as quickly as we can. On to the next crime. Yeah. But so we're volunteering and sometimes we're like, this is how old it was that you, the, we didn't have chips that gave your racing time. When you cross the finish line, you would, like, rip off part of your race bib and hand it to someone who would then run it into another room and, like, upload it into a computer. Sometimes we were running those numbers, and sometimes we were handing out food after the race.

And these races, when I was growing up and volunteering, we were, like, grilling burgers and dogs and sausages for people. They would come up, and, you know, it wasn't this half a cup of soup bowl. shit. We would tell people like, hey, just so you know, you only get two burgers, so you can't come back and get more than two burgers. They're like, yeah. And some of them would come back anyway, because we're swimming in burgers. All of that has gone away by the time I've reached adulthood and am running so fast that I need a burger when I'm done. I don't know what, if that was just like a weird running food boom that has, has a bubble that's since popped or what, but, but I agree with you

that there's never enough anything at the end of races anymore. No, they're trimming the fat to please the running board. I know, it's just the Freehold area running club. Freehold dairy running club and Shore AC two different running organizations

that are now, I just checked, they're owned by Paramount and the Ellisons and there's simply no money. There's no money for the hot dogs anymore. So sorry to say. You can get one piece of shredded Panera chicken. And you have to hold out your hands

and they just sort of sprinkle it into your hands. It's very funny that you were talking about your son getting the medal and then not having one for your daughter. A lesson that I learned over Christmas that I really should not have needed to learn. We were visiting the in-laws in Illinois and my wife and I took the niece and nephew

to the movies. We saw Zootopia 2. Yeah. Great movie. Yeah. Before the movie starts, Shea and the niece run a the restroom. It's me and the nephew hanging out in the lobby. There's an arcade in the lobby. And he says, can we check out the arcade? And I was like, of course, bro. And we go and there's claw machines. And it's like, it's truly adorable little kid stuff that he walks up to the claw machine and he goes, I've always wondered what it would be like to play this one.

And I was like, brother, I got you. They were still in the restroom. And so I swipe my card and he plays two different claw machines. They give two tries each. So he plays four times. doesn't win anything but has fun playing and like the niece is away she doesn't see any of this and I was like this is special little treat for nephew we see the movie we leave the movie

now niece would like to play a game and I thought sure so she plays the same crane game and wins a prize she gets a bouncy ball and he takes her second turn and doesn't win anything

and I leave the theater with them and I leave thinking he has played total five times she has played one time and she got a prize this is parity this is equality

everyone is is coming out ahead because he played the most games and she has the most prize and surely this is a form of economics that they understand and we'll

discuss when they get home and say like at the end of the day we both benefited an equal amount so we dropped them off at their home and I'm told fights ensue over the ball and I see my brother-in-law their father the next day at like a Christmas Eve thing and he comes up

to me and immediately the first thing he says is you don't leave the arcade until they both have something yeah that makes sense that would be true in my house too I understand. I was doing complicated math. And I promise you it all worked out.

It's so funny how quickly a child will go from having like something brand new, an experience, to being absolutely miserable if the experience doesn't end the same way as somebody else's. And he was, I was really surprised that it became an issue because he was so chill about it. Like he wasn't, we didn't drag him out of the arcade or anything. It was just like, yeah, she won. and then she'll go home and play with the ball and you will reflect on the sheer amount of time you spent

playing. A thing that's so easy for kids to understand. The quantity of time meaningful. My children recently, we went to Tucson for a little while and so there's a lot of family there. One of my

wife's aunts, she gave all the grandchildren and grand, you know, now grand nephews and nieces. She gave them these little like heart bells. They're porcelain or something. It's a bell that's hand painted and it rings when it's heart shaped. And she's like, sweet. She got some of these like really sweet things for everybody. And the person who was handing them out did not say beforehand, everybody gets what they get and they don't get upset or something like that. Like she was just like, she handed them out.

She was like, if you don't like yours, you can try and trade with somebody else. Big mistake to fucking say that to a bunch of kids because guaranteed somebody's unhappy. And it turned out in this circumstance, everybody ended up unhappy. And so we're all, like, these hearts get handed out. They didn't know these things existed before this moment. It's also bullshit. It's just a little thing that they're going to forget about in a day. But these hearts get handed out.

A lot of kids don't like what's on theirs, but like what's on another kids. Then they trade. Then there's remorse. Then there's a lot of, like, no trading back. Then there's a lot of kids who feel pressured into trading. And finally, like, no one is standing up on my behalf. And so I think I have to do this and, like, trading and then not being happy. And so we all walk away from that thing with kids crying.

because everybody got something because everybody got a new thing they didn't know existed 30 seconds ago but it's not the right one and so every single one of them is like upset with the exception of maybe two who were like no way man I got exactly what I wanted

and everybody else is like yeah I wanted that one too there's two great bells and the other ones all suck shit and I don't want these other ones and in fact I've wanted it my whole life yeah and you know and you're right

the only thing I've ever wanted these things get handed out And you're like, and you can trade if you want, that's parody. And it was parody, but spelled differently in the end. It was a very different type. And it was so, we're at like a museum too, which was pissing me off because we are seeing all this really cool stuff. And this is a living museum. It's a desert museum.

So it's got, you see havelina's there and you see a mountain lion. And like, there's living fucking rattlesnakes at this thing that you get to go see. And they're all, go ahead. Why is that? Why is that not a zoo? Yeah. Okay. Great question. I have no idea. I was too embarrassed to ask, but they call it a desert museum. There is a, everything's fucking alive there. No, there's some, okay, I'm now remembering that there's some minerals and some fossils there as well. But then also, they've just got whole exhibits of live animals. So you walk into like the snake cave and there's a bunch of living. There's like, you see a king snake and a rattlesnake, like, and some venomous shits in there. And then you go past this whole section that has a deer that's living really close and downwind from a mountain line and a bear.

They don't live together. They're in their own separate cages. Yeah. But still, all these animals are, I'm sure, smelling each other. I know they don't live. I know how zoos work, Soren. Not an idiot. I've been to zoos before.

So they've got, yeah, they've got enclosures with lots of different types of animals, but they don't call it a zoo. I wonder if that seems cruel maybe. No, because Tucson has a zoo, too. I don't know what's going on. It doesn't seem like we're going to get to the modern. of it and it also doesn't seem like it matters it was nice that my children could go to this thing they were having fun my son loves this shit actually he was he was pretty cool about the heart stuff but my daughter was not cool at all she was very upset and she was somebody who felt pressured into

giving up hers she was somebody who like had a rainbow one she really liked it she had just had a rainbow cupcake before then and it was the only rainbow cupcake so her cousin was like what the fuck you just get all the rainbow shit is this is how it's going to go from now on you're the rainbow girl you're the rainbow girl you get all the rainbows and my daughter was like I want this one and the girl the girl was like and I want it too look at mine mine sucks you should have it my daughter's like I don't want the one that sucks and then but we're all kind of like bowing out of this because you kind of kind of let kids they were talking and that was a good sign that they were like making a negotiation and then eventually my daughter was like fine and gave it to her and then she later revealed to me she was was like, I didn't know that I could say no. She was so mad at me and she was getting more and more mad at me. And no one was saying anything. And I was like, yeah. That's how I feel about a lot of life too.

Yeah. I also don't know that I'm allowed to defend myself or advocate for myself. And I was like, and this is where it probably started. I had in a moment like this. So I was like trying to, she's crying, but I'm also trying to impart a lesson, which is the absolute wrong time to do that, which is for me being like, Look, listen, you're not going to care about this heart tomorrow. Honey, let me tell you about the mice again.

This is a moment, and I'm glad that it happened with these little heart bells, where you should know that you are always allowed to stand up for yourself. You're allowed to, if there's something that you have and that is yours, you're allowed to say, no, this is mine and I'm going to keep it. And like, and any, that goes for a lot of things. It goes for like your art. It goes for anything. You can say, I'm not giving this up.

This is mine. Or it's part of me. whatever like you don't have to you don't have to bend just because somebody's getting angry at you yeah but like crucially not now you have given up the bell we cannot go back it's gone it's over and that's and that's making it worse for her because she's like I didn't know and I'm like yeah but you could have she was like what well so we're crying at the museum and she I mean obviously she bounced back after that and she has not asked about the bell since but in the moment I felt so badly I was like, oh, man, I just, that was a bad lesson you just learned.

Yeah. We had similar to the one niece gets a ball and the nephew doesn't. We shouldn't have had to learn that lesson because with, with a niece and nephew on my side of the family, we were going to visit my brother. And the nephew has one of those circle water bottles where you put like a flavor capsule in it. And Shea also has the circle water bottle and had a bunch of flavor, extra flavors that she didn't want.

And we just thought, oh, we'll just give it. this give these to the boy when we get to the house, put them in a little bag that looks to anyone and especially a child like a gift bag and we get to the house and hand the boy. It's like, here, here's some flavor caplets.

And then the younger niece is looking around and like, and where is my... Yeah. Anything. And we were just like, oh, we don't we don't have anything because it's like, it's not a present. It's not a toy. It's just some like, we didn't spend any money on this. Why are you crying? Don't you understand.

this thing that makes your brother really happy that he got in a gift bag it's not really a present calm down what's happening here yeah you can't there cannot be it's got to be a fairness they understand is tangible possessions yeah

that's all they understand you can't even explain like your brother got three presents and you got one present but they cost the same that doesn't matter it's got you need the same number of boxes or packages or whatever

thing is going to be. They need, every child needs an equal number of things, period. It's a lesson that I keep learning. Yeah. The nice thing about it when they're really young is that they also, right, they have no concept of how much something costs. So if you have something for one child and you forget until the last minute that you didn't get the other one something, you just fish around your pockets, man, and you're like a hair clip or a nickel. I have a nickel. And they're like, pocket! Yes. I'm going to put this in my bank right now. Truly could have run out to the car and gotten like altoyds or jumper cables or something and been like this is for you for the day 100%. I think there's this is a complete pivot but I did and reminded Daniel when you said

jumper cables that last night in the rain in the dark in the rain. Wow. I changed my wife's car battery. Changed or jumped? No. I jumped at the other night now it drained again so I was like I got to change it. Now, I'm going to tell you, on a Chevy Volt, a 2014 Chevy Volt, the battery design has left me wanting. It is not a good idea. So under the hood, there is a place to jump it. There are these two, there's like a positive and negative spot where you can like hook up and it's fairly easy. Then I thought, oh, well, that was, I did the jump and then I was like, I'm going to have to change the battery. But I didn't see the battery when I did that. And I was like, I wonder if it's underneath a bunch of stuff under the hood. Because these are, this is a

hybrid car. So meaning it's a plug-in. hybrid, meaning they, you can choose between gas or electric. And I was like, I don't know where the battery is. So I had to look it up and they're like, oh, battery's in the trunk. It's underneath everything in the trunk. You got to like open up and pry open several layers and pull off a whole panel and then it's under there. And I was like, oh, fuck, okay.

So like I go to start this project and I go to open the trunk and the trunk doesn't open. You need the car to have battery before you can open the trunk. And I was like, okay, let's start even further back. How do I get into the trunk? And they're like, well, you got to crawl into the back. First you've got to put these seats down. I was like, no, I can't. There's car seats in those seats.

Is there any other option? They're like, no. If you want to change the battery, if you want to change a dead battery, you've got to climb through the back of the car. They should have told you this at the dealership, frankly. I was getting more and more angry that there's so many steps to this. I get into the back. There's this little knob, a panel you pull off in the back that's like a size of a quarter

and you have to jam a screwdriver in there and then you turn it. And then it will, the trunk will pop open. The thing that you're streaming the jamming the screwdriver into is not like a little slot. It's a square hole. So if the screwdriver is too small, there's nothing. You're just rattling around in there. And so they're like, you need a bigger screwdriver. And so I say this like I'm having a conversation with YouTube.

That's not what was happening. I'm looking through several different places being like, what the, why isn't this working? And so the internet tells me you need a bigger screwdriver. And I was like, I don't have one. And they're like, well, you need something. You need something that's going to like turn in this square hole. And I was like, okay. I end up finding, figuring out that my keys to my other car, the blade key to my other car is fat enough.

And I'm like, I can get that in there. But it's not long enough and there can't get any torque on it. So I've got a pair of needle-nosed pliers pull, delicately pushing. I'm not even to the battery. I'm not even close to the battery. You're trying to get into the trunk still? Yeah. I'm in the trunk, trying to get out. So I'm like, I can get this in just enough that I can then turn it.

The little quarter turn needs to go, and then the trunk opens. And so I emerge from the trunk, victorious, the job is done. Now I can start the real job. And the minute I get to these, like trying to take this panel out, it's little nuts that sit on top of like screws that are facing, or bolts that are facing outward towards you. So all you all used to do is unscrew the nut, but they're like buried in the plastic. They're deep set. And so you can't use a wrench.

You can't use, I can't use a socket wrench because it's got this big bolt coming out of the middle. of it. And so I was like, I don't think this is even possible. And then I'm like, looking online, ask the internet again, the internet's like, yeah, you need a deep set wrench, a deep set socket wrench. I was like, well, I don't have that. Yeah. So I'm like, asking my neighbors, this is all in the rain, by the way. I'm like, I'm going to do this. It's started this much. It's getting done. And so

I finally find a deep set socket wrench, 10mm that I can use. Unscrew this panel thing. Get the panel out. And then there's the whole battery underneath that's got like, it's got a bunch of shit on. I don't recognized from a normal car battery. There's some sort of plate with a bunch of like electrodes on it on top of it. And I'm like, I don't even know if I can touch this thing without getting electrocuted.

Anyway, it's so worrisome. When you have the replacement thing, it's like, ah, this is what a battery for a volt looks like. And then you look at whatever gear, the original battery is shoved into. And it's like, I feel like they're supposed to look more like each other than they do. Yeah. I, my whole plan was to get this battery out and bring it to an O'Reilly's before I, before, like, before I just wanted to, I didn't want to go get a new battery and then have two on my hands. I was like, no, I will bring this old one there. I will know exactly what kind it is that can just show them and they will fix it for it. They'll do it for me. So like, I, I was dead set on getting this fucking battery out of this car. I finally figured out, I get this battery out without killing myself and bring it to them. And the guy was like, and I was like, what? And he's like, I don't think we have any of these. I was like, you're the only one in town. PEP boys, their entire internal store closed.

They're now just a mechanic. Like, I don't know what's going on in your industry, but this is, you guys didn't keep it together. You guys are dying. People are ordering their parts online or what the fuck happened, but nobody comes to these anymore, I guess. Unfortunately, all auto shops were purchased by the Allison family in Paramount. And there's simply no tires for anyone. No one can have tires anymore. I'm so sorry.

Yeah. And so finally, he's like, you know what? And he finds one. He's like, I do have it. I do have one battery, and he brings it out to me. I'm like, what is this a fucking mattress store? Like, how do you not have the batteries? This is all you guys do.

And so, right, none of the other stores are going to have them. I like this at home. Car batteries, by the way, weigh. Very heavy. I think they weigh easily 450 pounds. Yes. It was fun for me for a little while, making my children try to lift it. And then me lifting it with ease was a very nice moment for me.

It was fun to show them how strong their dad is every once in a while. And bring this thing back and I've forgotten some of how to put. Like, I'm putting it together and there's like this piece, this big giant plastic knob piece. And I'm like, I don't remember where this goes. So I was like, let's go ask the internet again. And like, and there's a lot of people being like, what is this fucking piece? I'm like, perfect. We're all in the same boat.

Here it is. Okay, I see now. Get it all set up again. In the rain. Yeah. And in the dark with a headlamp on. Get it set up. Get the car on.

It's good to go. And then I start driving it around. And then I'm like, you know what? I think I did. I think when I first lifted up the hood and got look in there, I had my phone flashlight on and I put my phone flashlight down in there so that I could dig around a little. And I'm pretty sure my phone phone is still under the hood. Boy. And so I was like, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please.

And I open it up. Very easy to find because the flashlight's still on on the phone. Sure. But it is deep down in the engine. And I have to fish it out and it's so hot. But to date, it seems like it's okay. It seems like it survived the damage. Yeah.

I do love that you think the visual of you lifting that car battery with ease is the only memory that you've made for your children. That they're like strong dad lifting the battery, not soaking wet dad, half in, half out of the trunk, screaming at his laptop, bringing hauling. car seats in and out of the house, hauling in this panel, whatever it is, so it doesn't get drenched in the rain,

walking neighborhood, walking the neighborhood, asking, shouting the streets for anyone who has a deep socket, 10-millimeter wrench. Your arm halfway through the engine and the kid's like, what part of the battery, what part of the process is this? What is, the car was moving? I didn't teach him anything. I didn't teach him

how to change a battery. It reminded me that a time before the internet, I drove. I was, I'm that old. And I were like, I maybe not internet on our phones because I got my car died Toyota Camry Ellie that's that stands for limited edition it was a good car it broke down not the fault of the Ellie I can't blame it um it broke down in a parking lot in a not a very nice neighborhood of Los Angeles and I didn't have any money because I was fresh out of college and I was like I'm not bringing

this anywhere I'm not having a toad that's insane that I would be that would ruin me financially for the rest of my life and so I was like I'm going to learn how to change a car battery and I did learn and I was like how did I learn I try to remember because I didn't do it from my phone

and I was like oh yeah I went through the owner's manual of the car there's just like that big Bible they keep in

every single car where you go through and it tells you every single thing about the car and I read it so thoroughly that I was like

I know how to change a car battery now and went and did it and I was like wow wow is it good job

old Sorin yeah I was recently flashing back with the exact same memory of, because my brother's car battery died recently, and he and my dad changed it because my brother was at my dad's house. And that got us guys talking about car batteries. And I have distinct memories of my car battery dying when I was living in Los Angeles and me resolving that issue. But I know I didn't have the money to take it somewhere. But I was like, how did that, how did that come to be? How did I?

I did that? I get like, like, bits and pieces flashing back to me, Jason Bourne style where it's like, I can see myself in the parking lot of a pep boys lugging a battery out to my car and changing it in front of the people at pep boys? Holy shit. Why didn't I maintain the knowledge of how to do that? Yeah. So anyway, change the car battery again and it was the, and fuckfold, I'm glad they're gone. I'm glad they don't make them anymore because what a terrible design.

Yeah. And shout out to the Hyundai Santa Fe, which I drove for one of two Hyundai Santa Fees that I drove for about 14 years. Those cars say what you want about them. They're built like fucking Legos, like Fisher Price Toys. I open the hood and everything is in its own little spot and there's the battery and you can take out the battery and put a new thing in there. They are so well designed because they know so many parts are going to break, they want to make it easy to replace them. so well designed that if you were to own an elantra or a sonata for the last 10 years, I'm so sorry that several of the parts are now missing because people have stolen them from your car

because they're so good at making it year every year the same replacement parts that people have just gone through, found that they're hot commodities to just go through any sort of a lotra or sonata and take every single part. If you need a, what's the piece that keeps getting sold a nut flux capacitor? What is the...

I know it's not. Is it? It's not the carburetor. It's not the carburetor. What is the thing that they all take? Something that they all take. And it's not flux capacitor. It can't be.

Tune in next week when we find out what that piece of car is. The show's been quick question, but you know that. Sorin, take us home. Yeah, thank you everybody for listening. This is Soren and Daniel. Your best friends in all the time. If you wanted more of us and you wanted to hear even more of us just shooting the shit, you could go be part of our Patreon.

You just join our Patreon. pay a certain amount of money and then you get extra content from us every other week we do a shorter version of this our patreon exclusive content and then a few words to say hey i love listening to this in my car but i want to see the boys i want to see their faces when they talk to each other and how much they seem to love each other you could watch this on youtube um and if you like our theme song that's by me rex and if you like this podcast in general or the video version of it that's game harder bye I don't know what's on your mind I've got a quick, quick question for you all right

the answer's not important I'm just glad that we could talk tonight so what's your favorite who did you get when did I be in remember oh forget it saw a movie Daniel O'Brien two best friends and comedy writers

if there's an answer they're gonna find it I think you'll have a great time here. I think you'll have a great time here.