Quick Question with Soren and Daniel - The Least Surprising Crimes

Episode Date: December 10, 2024

The guys discuss the intricacies of thank you card politics before Soren gets curious about his criminal cullpability. Thanks to Factor for sponsoring this episode. FACTORMEALS.com/50QQ and use code 50QQ to get 50% off your 1st box plus free shipping while your subscription is active.Thanks to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode. Thanks RocketMoney.com/qq.  it could save you hundreds a year.

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If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. Bet MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Speaking of segues, do you know how the inventor of the segue died? Yeah, because I worked at fucking craft. The answer's not important, I'm just glad that we could talk tonight So what's your favourite? Who did you get?

Who will I be? If you remember? What's your answer? Put it on the card Who is on? Oh forget it Sore and booey Daniel O'Brien Two best friends and comedy writers

If there's an answer they're gonna find it I think you'll have a great time here I think you'll have a great time here So hello and welcome to another episode of Quick Question with Soren and Daniel of the Podcast where two best friends and comedy writers ask each other questions and give each other answers. I am one half of that podcast. Senior writer for last week tonight with John Oliver, author of How to Fight Presidents and seeker of boxes, Daniel O'Brien joined as always by my co-host, Mr. Soren Buie. Soren, say hello.

Hello, everybody. I'm Soren Buie. I am a writer for American Dad. And in college, they called me the seeker of boxes, but for a very different reason. Oh, very good. Well done. And in college, they called me the seeker of boxes, but for a very different reason. Oh! Very good. Well done. Big shout out to our delicious, fresh never frozen sponsor, Factor, delivering delicious, fresh, nutritious, chef prepared meals ready to eat in just two minutes.

Head to factormeals.com slash 50QQ and use code 50QQ to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping. Thanks to our good friends Rocket Money for supporting our podcast. Rocket Money will quickly and easily identify your subscriptions for you so you can stop paying for the ones you don't want. Stop throwing your money away. Cancel unwanted subscriptions and manage your expenses the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash QQ. Are you moving? What's going on? I'm potentially moving. This is a scoop for the listeners that we are in the long and surprisingly un-foolproof process of trying to buy a home, our first

home. And we're not, we don't have it yet, there's still a few things, but it's moving at a pretty advanced timeline, so we might need to move very soon. And because I'm on hiatus at work, I would love to fill my time productively, and I would love to be packing during the the daytime but because I'm on hiatus from work and we're about to buy a house I would also

like to do that whole process as cheaply as possible which because I'm the main character of the world makes me realize a problem that no one has discussed before until right now which is that we should have a better system for cardboard boxes that everyone uses to move because in the past I've certainly like you go to Staples or Amazon or wherever it is You buy a bunch of boxes and you move and then when you're done moving you get rid of them because you're not gonna hold on to boxes if

There was anyone in my life who was like hey hey, I need boxes right now, I would happily give them those boxes and we could pass around these cardboard boxes forever until they deteriorate. But if no one is trying to take your boxes off your hand, then you get rid of them because they take up space and you've just moved in and you don't want clutter. And now I'm in the seeking position and I wish there was some kind of larger resource because this is not a unique to me problem. This has got to happen to everyone who moves.

Everyone who moves needs boxes at one point and everyone who moves needs to get rid of boxes at another point. Why can't we find each other and work together? I love this. I love this as an idea of like, it's just a, it's a buy nothing group, but exclusively cardboard boxes. Yeah.

Someone needs to be the first person to buy boxes. And I understand that's unfair to you, but just do it. But somebody has them is the thing. Like the dirt, the deed's been done. Because I remember when we used to move back when we were in our 20s and had no money, was we would just haunt the backs of grocery stores until they were like,

we don't need these vegetable boxes anymore. And you're like, oh, this one's sweet. It's barely got any old lettuce in it. And you just take those. And so you have a bunch of old fruit boxes and stuff with earwigs in them. This green blob is either like very healthy and normal lettuce or very sick something else.

Yeah, that's all we use. And then it was very easy to throw this away because you're like, fuck it, I got these for free to begin with. Yeah. I agree with you. This needs to be done. I hate the process of getting the boxes.

It's, cause you also don't know, as soon as you get in there, there's options. And you're like, oh shit, do I need, should I get the big ones? Do I have to be unwieldy? When I was first moving, I was like, let's just get the biggest boxes there are because then I'll only need like fucking four of them

and I'll just put everything in there. All my books. That's a bad plan. Yeah, yeah, it doesn't work. All my books. That's a bad plan. Yeah, it doesn't work. All my books and pans will go in one. Can't see a problem with that. Yeah, I hate the process of moving, but congratulations. A reserved and sort of like demure congratulations until the real thing happens.

But that's very exciting. Thank you. The goal for all of us from the beginning was to get me a dedicated space somewhere. So I don't need to pull the microphone out of my closet to set up to record this podcast at our dining room table every time. The goal. The only reason we're buying a house is for us. You and me. Can be a podcast studio. You're buying a house for us. Yeah. That's nice. That feels good.

Which I should point out. Quick question is buying the house. This is an office technically. So quick question is buying my house. It's very kind of them. It's a smart way to do it. You gotta do it that way. Company vehicle wouldn't be a bad idea either.

You should get one of those. I need a car to get to the boxes. If we could somehow pivot this into like a child care one, then the day that you have children, I feel like you could expense every single child, like every necessity you'd need for a child to the podcast. Bacon would be happy with that. We might've talked about this before, or maybe not you and I, but my brother has, because for such a long stretch of time, everything I talked about on the podcast was something that happened with my nephew or niece

when I was just like hanging out with them all the time. And my brother was like, this should be, we are subsidizing content on your podcast. We should get some kind of kickback for that. And like for every story that you tell about your kids, we should, you should, you should be making something off of that. So they should be, they should.

Yeah, come on. I don't know. I don't know. I'll see what I can do. I'll see what Bacon says. Although he's pretty unresponsive these days. Yeah, I don't know why. says, although he's pretty unresponsive these days. Yeah, I don't know why.

Daniel, I got your thank you card from your wedding. Oh, sick. Did you like it? Thank you. Yeah, it was really nice. It was very touching. Thank you very much. Yeah.

It means you also got my card at your wedding because I put it in a place where I didn't know if it goes. And then I looked late. I put it where it turned out donuts go later where I didn't know if it goes. And then I looked late. I put it where it turned out donuts go later. I didn't know. I just there's a table and there's a pegboard on it. And I was like, surely I could just slip it in one of these pegs. That wasn't the answer.

Pierce the card on one of the pegs. That wasn't the answer. And somebody at some point moved it. And I was like, well, I sure hope he gets that. No, you had so this is it's it's interesting that you bring this up because this is something, not to put you on the compliment couch, but it's something that I've been thinking about the last, since we wrote out the cards, I suppose,

is that I remember when I went to your wedding years ago and gave you a wedding card, and I wrote whatever you write in wedding cards, something that was maybe a little bit funny or maybe a little bit just like thank you for having me, like very standard boilerplate stuff. And then your thank you card that you sent back to me was just this beautiful, very sincere message of friendship

that like really disarmed me. And I was like, this is so nice. I have to keep this in mind. And now it's many years later and it's my wedding. And the card that you gave me for my wedding, the gift card, had another very long, very sweet, very funny message in it. And as I was writing your thank you card,

I don't think I really delivered on that either because I'm writing a million thank you cards. I was like, this is, I have to, you know, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna I'm writing a million thank you cards. I was like, I'm going to say, I'm going to personalize it obviously and make it sincere, but there's a limited amount of space on the card. And as I'm stamping it and sending it away, it was like, when am I going to say it? A sweet thing to sort it.

Will I ever tell him how I did? Okay, great. Yeah, you did. You did a good job. Yeah. I spent a lot of time in my hotel room calling and got her nails done at your wedding because also we didn't have kids. So we're just like, we'll do whatever we want.

And I sat there for a very long time writing your card being like, I want this to be good. I want this to be right. And spend a lot of time thinking about the names of it because I do a lot of pop culture references in the card for everyone listening. None of them are right. All of them are just like 80%. Oh, well, I like 80% right. Like they could be what your mom would think

was the name of the movie or an actor. And like getting those names right, I was like, nah, that's not quite right. It's gotta be, oh, John Marsden. That's very funny. That's it. That's what quite right. It's gotta be, oh, John Marsden. That's very funny. That's it. That's what it is. Yeah. It was perfect Easter egg laden, very sweet,

very on brand card that I, we're working with a company that takes all of your gift cards and like turns them into a book. Oh, that's great. So you don't have to worry about like storing them, but I'm dragging my feet on sending it out because I don't know if I wanna put yours in that because it's such a special message.

Thank you. And I might want like a separate designation for it. It is not, I will tell you, it's probably my number two wedding card. My favorite wedding card was from- Yeah, tell me, tell me the favorite. Yours and my friend Caruso. Oh yeah.

Sent a card, it was a Thanksgiving card. Like a genre of card that should not exist. What are you bringing? Where are you sending a Thanksgiving card? Yeah, great. Wonderful. Yeah. And on the front of it says, happy Thanksgiving.

And he has crossed out Thanksgiving and written above it, wedding. And then the card continues, I hope you have a wonderful day. And then he crossed out day and wrote Thanksgiving. Really Hall of Fame stuff. Yeah, that's wonderful. Great idea. Really Hall of Fame stuff. Yeah, that's wonderful. It's a great idea. Very on brand too.

Like perfect for like signature Caruso card. Yeah. That's great. I love Factor. It's no secret. I love to cook, but I don't always have time. And Factor meals are better than that kind of microwave stuff you get at the store and they also have smoothies and I love their smoothies when I'm on the go too. You notice how the days are

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and some people text us immediately and say, we got your card. Thank you. It's a nice card. Whatever, whatever sweet things people say. I wasn't aware that that was a thing you needed to do. I don't think I have ever told anyone I got your wedding card. It's got to stop somewhere, right? Like you can't, I, this is a thing when we first met my now brother-in-law, but Colleen's sister's husband,

he's a very nice person. He's a doctor, he's an ER doctor, and just the most cordial patient person you've ever met in your life. Marty? Yeah, Marty. And he's so kind, and he's so thoughtful all the time. And the first time he came to visit us with my wife's sister,

I can just name people on this show. I don't know why I'm doing this. He's Katie. And when they came out, he was very kind. He was very helpful. And then they left. And then he sent us a thank you card for letting us, for letting them stay at our house.

And we're like, okay. And so Colleen was like, he's not gonna fucking outdo me. I'll send him a thank you card. And so she sent him one back. It was like, hey, thank you for the thank you card. And then we got one back from him. That was thank you for the thank you. Thank you card. We're like, okay, we have to stop. We have to stop. Yeah, we're not gonna win this arm trace.

I'll say Deveciato. It's too much. There's a coworker of ours, a former coworker of ours, Rosie, who we're friends with, shout out Rosie, and Miles of the Daily Zeitgeist. They came to the wedding, it was very nice. I wrote them the thank you card, and Rosie texted me, we got your card, it's so nice, hooray. And she's like, part of me was thinking, this is already the most I've talked to Rosie

in like a year. So I shoot back, I'm glad you like it. I'm glad you got it. Hooray. And then she writes back, how's married life? A totally normal question. Just like, we're done. We're finished.

Transaction is over. Yep. I know that feeling. I felt that after college too, when people give you college gifts and you're like, no, I got to write all my thank you letters. And you're doing it. But it's people that they're not on your team. They're like aunts and uncles you haven't talked to in years or like distant family friends and stuff like that. And you write them thank you letters. Are you thinking now that you didn't ever write the thank you letters? Who gave you college gifts? What are you talking about?

Money, people gave me money when I graduated from high school. Oh, when you graduated from high school? No, I didn't get that either. They didn't get- I didn't get Jack's squat. I didn't get Jack's fucking squat. I, I'm people who did not come to my graduation, who were not even invited to my graduation,

just like family friends and stuff, would just give me cards. And I was like, oh, and I didn't know this was a thing. And you open it up and there's money in it for graduating. Did you have a graduation party? Not that they were invited to. I mean, we did like a senior bonfire. Sure.

It's pretty rad, pretty good stuff. No one got cards for that though. Yeah. So yeah, they gave me money and then I have to send cards to all of them. Where it was like writing thank you cards. And then yeah, there was a correspondence suddenly and I was like, oh, I was not prepared for this. I was not prepared for us to be talking regularly.

Yeah. Man. I don't think I... I think you got ripped off. Well, I don't think I took advantage when I was supposed to take advantage of these things because I didn't want a high school graduation party because that seemed strange to me. I was fine with the, like people were having them. I was like, great, I'll go to those and you know,

we'll have a whole summer of bouncing around to different pools and meeting people's weird family members. And that'll be this summer, not for me. College graduation absolutely didn't do anything. I went to a chain restaurant with my parents, saw Indiana Jones, the kingdom of the crystal skull afterwards and got pink eye. That's how I graduated college.

Very cool. Yeah. So I'm a guy who every time you get sick or you get something, some affliction, it's somebody else's fault. Do you know where you got the pink eye from? I do. I don't want to blame the movie, which was bad, or the restaurant, or graduation,

because I believe it was the night before was like some friends and I going out for drinks before graduating. Just like a last hurrah, which is not totally fair, because there were so few hurrahs to begin with. So this was like the first and final hurrah of my college squad. And it was just like, like a one last spot play for old times sake with the friends. Right. You know, it's it's college.

You're never going to see each other. Why not fart on some pillows and roll around for a while? Yeah, sounds good. And let's let's play a game called who has to wear sunglasses to their graduation. Wait, okay. Yeah, so that makes sense that it was the wait, you had your party the night before the graduation. Not a party. Just like going to bars and drinking too much. Yeah. And then the butt play. Yeah. Right. That's so then on the you had pink eye in all the graduation pictures? I'm in men in black sunglasses, so you can't tell.

And it was like, I... Where I went to school, there's like 40,000 kids. Graduation is so long. So I'm sitting alphabetically, so not with any of my friends, just with other loser Irish folks. And I'm just sitting there hungover and itchy and uncomfortable for hours and hours and hours for this stupid graduation. Just so I can sit in a car for hours

to go to Caraba's Italian restaurant and then Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. On opening night, a horrible film that I have to see with one good eye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Saying that you had to sit with everybody else with your name, that reminds me that on our graduation, a bunch of us, a bunch of my slapdick friends were like, we should go naked under our gowns. And we're like, all right, that's what we'll do.

And so like we were doing that thinking like, this is really funny. This is really funny. But then you're sitting essentially strangers. This is college. This is college. Right. Like a college. This is college. Like a college graduation. I'm sitting with a bunch of strangers, like people that I didn't know I was graduating

with or that were even in my class. And I'm like, oh, this is, this is a crime, I think. This doesn't feel great. Yeah. If my day has gotten away from me and I leave the home in pants but no underwear, which I know is a common thing for many people, but just not for me. So it's very scandalous for me.

And I never do it on purpose. It's always, again, if things have spiraled out of my control. And then I'm like- Life is deteriorated to a certain degree. In pants with no underwear, and I make eye contact with another person at a store or the bank or something,

I'm very scared and very uncomfortable that like they're gonna know and then they're gonna call the cops. And they should. Yeah, yeah. So, sorry, I didn't have a college graduate. No, I'm not getting us on track at all. Oh, okay. I didn't have a college graduation party because again, that seemed like a silly thing to do. It seemed like I was, at the time it seemed like

I'm doing this to ask for money or gifts from friends and family that I didn't want to do. Cause every graduation party that I attended, it was like, well, I have to bring something to my friend. And I didn't like pressuring anyone to do that for me. So pressuring of you. But then when I, two months after college, I famously drove across country to Los Angeles. And my mom was like, you should have a going away party for your moving away.

And I was like, I'm not moving away. I'm not leaving the country. I'm not, I'm gonna come back every year for Christmas. And I don't wanna make a big fuss about me. If this job blows up in my face in six months and I have to come back, I'm gonna feel so embarrassed. The idea of a party just seems really silly to me. And my mom was like, you should have a going away party. And so we threw one, a small friends and family one.

And at that, I fucking cleaned up. That was, that's all the gifts. And I am now realizing I did not thank anyone. I did not thank anyone. I did not thank anyone. I did not thank anyone. I did not thank anyone. It's a real fine line.

Depending on, I mean, for you, I want to go all out. But like, for like, let's say your aunt who's not even actually related to you, only there, she's there by marriage, but you have to send her a thank you card. And you're like, you don't want, you want it to be personal, but you don't want it to be so sentimental that, then she's going to be like, keep it or whatever.

Like you want the card to like be in their hands for a few seconds where they're like, oh, that's really sweet. Trash can. Like that's, that's really sweet. Trash can. Yeah. Like that should be the end of the exchange. Because if you do too much, man, you really are starting a new relationship with this person.

And in high school, I also didn't understand that. So I was just like, I was doing as sentimental as I could. I was like, hey, I don't often say it, Uncle Hank, but I love you. That kind of stuff. And trying to make it very personal so it didn't just look like I went through and like did all these at once. And that was a huge mistake.

I shouldn't have done it that way. It's tough doing thank you cards where, you know, cause every card is from both of us to both of you if you come as a couple. And it's very tough when like our former coworker, not Cody Johnston, but a different Cody who we don't need to out on this podcast, whom I've known for years.

We used to be neighbors. We were incredibly close. We lived in LA and then New York at the same time and just carried on this friendship. And he has a long-term girlfriend that I didn't meet until the wedding. It's tough when you're doing a thank you card that is very clearly, like I'm trying to write it

in the voice of us, but it's like, we never thought a friendship this powerful would last for this long. We've been through so much, drinking buddies, baseball games, ups and downs, at the lowest points of our lives and now the highest points of our lives and now the highest points of our lives.

And Saria seemed great. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better. That's kind of how I felt when I was doing your card. I was like, I could do a lot of wheeze in here. And I was like, Colleen, I'm just going to write this to Dan. And she's like, yeah, I'll just add something at the end. And I was like, this is the way to do it. Your wife wrote a separate wedding card to us, which was so sweet.

Yeah. Yeah. So that's how we do. And it's important too, because, because she, it's, it's stolen valor for her to claim the depths of friendship with me that was conveyed in your card. That's right. All right. I do want to get into the show. We had a Segway come up and then you stomped it down. So I'm just gonna force it at this point. We do have this show called Quick Question where we ask each other questions.

You may not know that cause we haven't done it in a while. Speaking of Segways, do you know how the inventor of the Segway died? Yeah, because I worked at fucking crack. Okay, go on. The creator, for anyone curious, the creators of the Segway drove a Segway off a cliff. It's just like,

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That's rocket money comm slash qq rocket money dot com slash qq Though what I wanted to ask you today Daniel was What's a crime that you wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that I committed? If you saw you were watching the news or the news came to you and they're like, did you ever see this coming? And you always see those people in news are like, no, I had no idea. He was the last person I would have expected.

If they would have come to you and they'd be like, and you would have been like, oh, that? Yeah, 100%. That makes perfect sense for him. That checks out because I have one for you. We'll get to that. There's a very important crucial context that I think that... Listeners, we are recording this on December 6th, 2024. Sorin texted me this prompt, I'm going to ask Daniel what's a crime that wouldn't surprise you,

to find out I've got committed. He texted this within like 14 hours of a very high profile murder. Daniel's response was really heavy laughing, which was because this murder took place in New York and it was of somebody who everyone is sort of, you know, the world, I would say, is divided on how they feel about this death. I'd say the 1% is pretty upset about it. And there's a 99% of people that are making a lot of jokes about it. And Daniel's response was, so I can't believe you were in New York and you didn't tell me. It felt it was it's a murder sucks. There we said it.

It's very funny for me to imagine that, that you were involved some way. And this, this text was part of a longer strategy where you were going to follow it up with like, something on murder, right? You never like you like, there's plenty of crimes you would think me capable of, but like premeditated murder is not one of them, right? You, you'll say that on'm murder, right? You never like, you like, there's plenty of crimes you would think me capable of, but like premeditated murder is not one of them, right?

You'll say that on the stand, right? You'll say that. Tell them. Tell them. What is yours for me? So I was, this is like, I don't know why this sticks with me. And it seems to me that you, I would find out that you had been breaking and entering into houses where people live and are there, not taking anything, just seeing if you

could do it. Just seeing if you could open a house and sneak and sneak in. And then being like, ah, and getting that little meal out of that, the satisfaction, and then walking away from it and finding out that this crime was rampant in a bucolic little town in New Jersey. And then I'd be like, oh yeah, oh no, that was Dan, for sure that was Dan. Yeah. I do like that in this hypothetical. We got our answer. I couldn't do it.

I got caught. Well, maybe in my hypothetical, you are like the sticky bandits. You're like, or the wet bandits, I guess, is more... Thank you. That's part one, right? Yeah, the wet bandits that you are... You got a crime spree. You've been doing it and it's been working.

Yeah. I was like, why do I think this about him? Then I was like, I had to rewind all the way back to when you just, for whatever reason, broke into another apartment in your apartment building. And you were like, and this is will be my gym. And it was, and it was great. And everybody loved it. I do. I like that idea that I eventually get caught. And then you would see me on the news or in the courtroom or whatever. And they're like, this brazen man with no conscience broke into six homes in New Jersey. It was like, you said six, six. Yeah, totally.

Six. Definitely six. Six was the number. Six was the number. Confined to New Jersey, right? Yeah, just six. Okay, yeah, totally. Unlucky number six is where I got caught.

What are you guys mad about? Six, could you imagine if it had been triple digits across state lines? That guy must be clever. You'd have to get the FBI involved. Yeah, I could see you absolutely doing that. I could see you just like walking past a house and being like, I could go out of that second story easy

and that window looks like it just popped right open and then getting in and being like, hee hee hee hee. Yeah. Because I wouldn't, I broke into an empty apartment. This is true. But I also, whether we talked about this on the podcast or not, famously, I'm always trying to open doors to things.

Like different, in a corporate building on the way to my dentist, if I see a door, I'm gonna try to open it and see if I can get in. Because if I can get in somewhere, then I should, I, then they must want me there. Well, also your respect for authority is nonexistent. Correct. Each door is defiance to you.

Yeah. Because it's a quiet little paradox where if the door is unlocked, that means I'm allowed in and if the door is locked, let me see if I can get in. Yeah. Why are you locking this door that I should be in? Yeah. So I think your nature to explore is maybe a little stronger than everybody else's.

And it's rooted not in like curiosity, it's in defiance. It's in like, fuck you for making different rooms here that I can't be in. In a way that would like confound my victims and alleged victims and probably irritate a judge. Like seeing this trial in my mind where the defense attorney is like, he didn't break anything, he didn't steal anything. He didn't, in some places, he straightened up the bathroom a bit. So what's he really guilty of?

And the judge would just be one of those old judges who was like, guilty of being a weird fucking guy. We can't, I'm one of the judges that makes up my sentences regardless of what's going on. So he's going to jail for 200 years or whatever. Yeah, I guarantee there you get that stodgy one who is like, no, this is a crime. Everybody shut up, this is a crime.

He is sentenced to staying in his apartment forever. And if he ever goes anywhere, it needs to be with a chaperone. He's not allowed to open doors anymore. I'm one of those wacky judges. This is the sentence. Yeah. I respect, I appreciate being seen.

For you, there's, it's only like very noble things. I imagine watching the news and finding out, like seeing you with cuffs and being like pushed into a squad car and finding out Soren Pooey dispatches from space writer performer. That's what I can't remember. That's like, That was my dream. Has been arrested

and I'd be like, oh my god Soren, what was it? And then they would I would find out that it was like for handcuffing himself to a fence at UCLA to protest fracking or protest like

something with oil or something with animal rights or something with all that stuff going on in one of those places that everyone's real tense about. You work for a show where your job is to know these things. My brain wants to say Darfur, because that was the thing that we're all concerned about a while ago, and I don't think we've ever followed up.

Yeah, you would be arrested for like, like very nobly protesting, again, strapping yourself to a gate at a college, or burning or constructing something at a zoo for like a meaningful protest. And it would take me on a roller coaster of like, part one, Soren's arrested, oh my God, what did he do? What's going on?

Part two, he's arrested because he was very unhappy with Johnson and Johnson's official policies about fracking in the rainforest. And like, ah, this bravo, fucking father of the year strikes again, saving the rainforest. I'll just say, these are way too high profile, high level. My grievances are way more petty than that.

And I could definitely see myself being arrested for witnessing some injustice on the street and not even like a purse snatching or something like that. Somebody who is just, they're doing something they're not supposed to and I'm not happy about it. And letting them know and then escalating. That I could see.

My other answer was one that made you look bad immediately, but was also like privately a no- quietly a noble thing. Like you would get arrested and booked for what everyone else would say is like, he got in a bar fight. Like there's your mugshot and you got a black eye. And the details just like soaring, found outside of Yankee Doodle, bloody nose and onlookers say there was a huge fight

and it'll seem really embarrassing. And then we would find out that like, you saw a guy slip something into another woman's drink and he tried to intervene and then a fight broke out and the police don't know what's going on. So everyone goes to jail and it's like, yeah, I could see that. That would make sense. He's doing the right thing and spent the night in jail for it. Yeah, I used to think that I like really shied away from conflict. I don't know if that just a switch was flipped in me or what, but like I really seek it out now in a way that I think is

probably not super healthy. Where if somebody's doing something and I think, no, no, no, no, then I go and I let them know like an old person would. Where I'm like, I get in their face about it. And that's not always the best move because you can see them and if they are also escalators as well, both of you all of a sudden you're in a situation where you're like, I think we're gonna fight. And I don't really want to, I didn't think we'd get here. Is that instinct present when you are somewhere public

with your children? If you see someone doing something wrong or someone behaving poorly, are you? I wish it would go away with my kids. A response could be like, this will be a teachable moment for my kids to talk about standing up for the right thing. Or as the response like, let us remove ourselves from this situation and get away as soon as possible.

I wish that it was, let's just, I was smart enough to just be like, let's remove ourselves from this situation. Maybe subconsciously I'm like, my kids shouldn't see this. I don't know why, but I'm like, you're not doing it right. This is not how, look, look at all the inconveniences you're creating for everybody else around you by the thing that you're doing. Like somebody threw trash out of their car window. I will pick up that trash and try and give it back to them.

That kind of stuff where it's like, they do not, they don't want that. You're creating a situation that's not great and your child's now with you. And I can't, and it's not until afterwards where I'm like, I should not have done that in front of my kids. That could have gone really badly. It's top of mind. We would love kids one day and it's been top of mind

because earlier this week I was walking my dog, Jackson, and I was crossing the street to get back to my apartment at night and a car was coming because we live on a busy street. I know this street. I see how fast the car is going. I know my speed. I get us across the street. It's very dark street because it's nighttime and it's the winter.

But I prejudged that I could make it and I was right that I could make it. And I was right that I could make it because I'm talking to you now alive. And the car that was coming didn't like narrowly miss me. I was fully past the sidewalk on my side of the street when this car decided to honk at me. I think because they didn't see me until I'd already passed them and it spooked them

a bit. Yeah. And they didn't like the feeling of being spooked and they wanted to be correct. So they honked to let me know like, you shouldn't do that. Hey, pal. What if I was paying even less attention? Could you imagine? In the future no more.. As soon as they honked, and like already, I didn't love this person because I know the speed limit and I know they're going faster than the speed limit on this road. And I'm my father's son, so I know how fast every car is going at all times, and I'm unhappy about it.

But again, it was all completely safe. And then as soon as they honked, because I already had this idea of them in my head as an unsafe person, without missing a beat, I turned and yelled, they honked because I already had this idea of them in my head as an unsafe person without missing a beat. I turned and yelled, are you honking at me? And they were like, long gone. At that point, you're just way too late. Yeah. Um, but as I, I, after I did that, I was walking back to my apartment proper. I just thought like, if I have a kid one day and something like this happens, how am I gonna, how will I learn to not do that?

How will I learn to not scream in anger at a car? How do you train yourself to not let your kids see you be angry even when you're right? And especially when you're right, when the anger feels so warm, when it feels so good. It's like cozy, cozy hatred. I try to-

Something I battle with all the time. Trying to imagine a future scenario where that happens again, or something where someone is being even more prickish and I'm even more right, that I have to just like, walk away with a child to be like, that person's being silly, aren't they?

And I have to just like, pretend I'm not at a boiling point and let that person drive off thinking that they are right still, because that's what this really boils down to, is that I will have to let wrong people think they're right because I don't want to cause a scene or have a child see any flashes of anger or lack of control. Yeah. It's a pickle, Soren. It's really tough and I'm saying, I'm

gonna tell you, like, you don't just, it doesn't just like get better. It's not one of those things where you hold the baby for the first time and it's skin to skin and you're like, I'm not mad anymore about anything. I was driving with my son when he was younger. He was probably like three or four and a car honked at us from behind. When we were, we hadn't really done anything. Like we didn't cut him off or anything like that. He just didn't like how far we were away from the car in front of us at a stoplight.

And so like, I look in the rear view mirror and I did this like a calm down, like calm down. And then he, as we got through the stoplight, he pulled up in front of us and pulled up next to us and was like screaming something at us and then pulled in front of us and break checked us. And I was, then I lost it because I have a child in the car and no longer am I beholden to the fact that I'm should be responsible for a child in the car. This person has endangered both of us. Now all bets are off. And like, I'm, I'm so mad and like thinking of all of these things I could do. And at the last second, I have to just eat it

because I was like, I'm in a weapon right now. I'm in a weapon with my kid. I'm not gonna do anything. I'm just gonna back off. And I was like, so what I ended up doing was just taking the license plate and being like, ooh, if I ever see you again, as soon as I see your car, I'm calling the police.

Your kids get older and they see there's like 30 post-it notes on your dashboard with different license plate numbers. Like, dad, what is... What are you doing? Do you remember what each of these are for? I have been in a situation where... And this is very common, where like something bad will happen in the car, somebody will do something dumb,

and my instinct is to talk to them as though they're in their seat next to me. Like, I'm like, like, come on, what are you doing? Or like, but I'm gonna say something worse than that. And I had both kids in my car and I went, somebody did something and I went, suck my dick. And then I went, oh no. That just came, it just erupted from me. Like I had no choice in it.

That's not a thing you say often in life. Not a thing I say ever. For a child to hear it, there's so many layers to it. I wouldn't even say that if I meant it. No. You wouldn't even say it with a please. No, no. And so after I did it, I was like, I stopped the car and I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't have said that. But wait, this is a great thing you can do with your kids and I didn't know it was allowed until like my son was about four, which is you walk shit back. Like you get too mad about a thing. You're allowed to say, sorry, let's just pause for a second. I got too mad there. That's because of this and this and this. Let's start again. And you're allowed to do that with your kids. A lot of times like before that point, when I would get upset, I'd just lean into it. I'd be like, well, I'm upset now and there's

gotta be a good reason because I'm a good person. the specifics of what you yelled though, makes that so tricky. Because it's like, let's pause there. I got upset and I shouldn't have got upset. No, sure dad, I understand that. But the thing you said when you got upset, how do you connect those ideas to each other? You were so mad that you, you wanted that person to what? To why? Yeah, but you knew that they wouldn't enjoy that, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's right. If it's helpful, I wouldn't have either.

You have to understand, I was young in the 90s. Yeah, these phrases are just, they're incantations that are living me now. I would watch my favorite program, Monday Night Raw Wrestling, and everyone would say that to everyone. I wore it on a t-shirt. It was such a thing to say. Yeah. All right. Well, that to everyone. I wore it on a t-shirt. It was such a thing to say. Yeah. All right.

Well, that's fair. I could see that happening to me very easily. Getting in a situation that's super petty and it just escalates. And then me being in jail, getting you on the little plastic, there's the lucite plastic dividing us and we're on the phone. And I'm like, but I was right, right? I was right. You don't have to be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You were the right one in the situation. You shouldn't have stabbed him with that pool cue, but yeah, at the beginning, yes, you were correct. Right. I'm on the other side going, yeah, totally right. A hundred percent. Just reminder again, which of your kids do I drive to school? What's the, how's the guardianship work?

Your crime was so severe, your wife is also in jail now. So I'm just trying to figure out just, do either of them need medicine? Yep. That's, yeah. I can see it happening. I like both of our egos enough that in either of these situations where one of us goes to jail,

we just, without questioning it, assume that it's going to make the news. We'll find out about it at our much publicized and televised trial. Yeah. Everybody tuning in again to see how it goes. Yeah, absolutely. It's like you get your news.

It's on every channel seeing them walk away in handcuffs. And I'm just curious like what, yeah, dispatches from space. That feels like my greatest achievement or like guy pictured in locked out car or like guy who left his keys in the car arrested. I don't know what yours would be. I guess the things that you intentionally did are really the ones that are best for you, which is a great way to have lived, Dan. People would actually use last week tonight, I think.

I feel like depending on whatever crime I ultimately get brought down doing, I think any smart beat writer is gonna lead with the fact that I have been interrogated by the Secret Service in the past and was at least temporarily on some kind of list, maybe a forever list, who knows? And you know, that's, if someone was trying to build a profile for me to make sense

of why here I am in jail now, then they would be like, oh, bingo, bango. This is it. All right, everybody. Well, thank you for listening. That's our show. Quick question. You knew that you can find us on blue sky. Daniel and I are both there. Daniel's got a fun little reflective hat, I think going on. It's hard to tell what's happening. It's a normal hat that I've turned inside out to make like kind of a fun little crown. Oh that's cute. It is sparkly on the inside. I don't totally understand that. You can find us on Blue Sky. You can find this podcast in video form on YouTube. Remember that place? You can also see clips of this podcast. Gabe is really good about pulling out the stuff that's the funniest, the cream of the crop and putting it on Instagram, putting it up on all the social media websites. TikTok, I think we're

on. We're very big on TikTok from what I understand. Often I'll see the clips that he pulls on Instagram and I think they should make the whole show good. What if we just did all of it like that? Why do we only have 10 seconds of good material every week? But I mean, that's pretty nice. That's a good ratio. Everyone's like we're getting one hit a game.

That's good. If you like this podcast a lot and you can't get enough of it, you can always subscribe to our Patreon where we do a little bit of extra. We do another version of this podcast where it's a little more untucked, unbuttoned. And it's only it's a little shorter, but they're fun episodes and you can find those on our Patreon or you can find those on it is described through Apple podcasts. Our theme song is by Merex. You can find their music anywhere you list stream.

But if you want full albums, you can go to merex.bandcamp.com. Thank you again to Gabe Harder, who is the life force, the blood of this podcast. And I think that's it. Bye. Bye. I wanna hear your thoughts, wanna know what's on your mind I've got a quick, quick question for you, alright The answer's not important, I'm just glad that we can talk tonight So what's your favorite? Who did you get?

Who would I be if you remember? What's your name? Who did I get? Who do we know? Oh, forget it Saw a movie, Daniel O'Brien Two best friends and comedy writers If there's an answer they're gonna find it I think you'll have a great time here

I think you'll have a great time here