Quick Question with Soren and Daniel - What Do Writers Eat? | Ep. 281

Episode Date: April 22, 2025

The guys talk breakfast soda, an infamous lunch meeting at Cracked, and wondering if you even like Jersey Mike’s anymore. Plus an update from Coach Soren and how Moneyball is ruining little league.Follow Soren & Daniel on Bluesky:https://bsky.app/profile/sorenbowie.bsky.social/https://bsky.app/profile/danielobrien.bsky.social

I've got a quick quick question for you alright I wanna hear your thoughts wanna know what's on your mind I've got a quick quick question for you alright The answer's not important I'm just glad that we could talk tonight So what's your favorite? Who did you get? Who would I be if you remember? what's it out there? Oh forget it I saw a movie, Daniel O'Brien Two best friends and comedy writers If there's an answer they're gonna find it I think you'll have a great time here I think you'll have a great time here Soren, I got something for you.

I got something you'll like. Oh, shit. What a way to start. Yeah, hit me with the sizzle. All right. So not too long ago, my wife and I were hungover one Sunday morning. And we can get into why later or on a Patreon if you want. That might be a Patreon exclusive.

We were hungover one morning and we, the night before, to preempt the hangover and not let it hit us, we were like, let's just, let's be savages and go to McDonald's. And that didn't work. And so the morning of the hangover, we were like, let's go to McDonald's. We did a twofer. And the thing that makes this special, because we were going to Lowe's for the second day in a row, we go to Lowe's basically every Sunday. Oh, dude, going to Lowe's hungover sucks.

No, it was awesome. But we got some McDonald's on the way to Lowe's and I was like, I need a greasy meat sandwich and some potatoes on a bagel. That's gonna fix me. And my wife got her breakfast sandwich. And then my brilliant fucking smoke show scientist wife at nine o'clock in the morning was like, I'll also have a diet Coca-Cola, a fountain Coca-Cola.

At night in the morning. A soda at nine in the morning. I haven't had a diet Coca-Cola, a fountain Coca-Cola. A soda at nine in the morning. I haven't had morning soda in let's say forever. I haven't had- I didn't know you were allowed to do that. I haven't had soda period in maybe 10 years. And I haven't had fountain soda in maybe 15. Well, hold on. It's not even just fountain soda, Dan.

This is McDonald's fountain soda. This is McDonald's fountain soda. Which we can get into why that's different. But like, yeah, I get you. And it's 9 in the morning, so you know it's fresh. And soaring. They just made it that morning. It was, yeah, they were churning it in the back.

Yeah, they're like, oh, this is going to be a good batch. And I, it was so goddamn good. I'm sure people are cringing because it's nine in the morning, but you have to understand how novel this was for me and how refreshing it was if you haven't had it in so long. And it's McDonald's, so it's so sugary and syrupy. And it wiped out the hangover, turned around my day, and made me feel so good.

And I also thought, like, my thoughts in order were, it's been so long, I feel great, this is amazing, I'm having the best day ever, I can't wait to tell Sorin about this, because I know he'll understand in a way that, we were seeing my parents later, I was like, they're not gonna get it. They're gonna think something's wrong.

And it's not wrong. When you did your bang bang, what was your meal? I mean, so what was your drink the night before if you don't do soda? Just water. We just thought like, let me get like a burger with bacon and meat on it. And then let's drink a lot of water to,

and some French fries. Try to like fill up our bodies with fried goodness to absorb this alcohol. The idea of going to a fast food restaurant and not getting a combo is like it blows my mind that you wouldn't get a... That's the whole... It's part of the experience. I would say it's 50% of the experience. I think when you don't drink soda, it just doesn't... It doesn't occur to me. I never even think about it. That's nice.

I would love to get to your headspace. I would love to be in somebody who's like, oh, that's not for me. Soda's not for me, but soda is for me. So let's quickly talk about why specifically McDonald's soda has those fortifying properties that revitalized you. Why it's good for you. Yeah, why it's actually a good thing for you to drink. Everybody knows that,

not just like their Coke and their Sprite, which are like the pits, like those are the hits at McDonald's. Coke and Sprite are different there than they are anywhere else in the world because they've got their own proprietary mix of those ingredients. And when you think about, like I don't know, you didn't ever worked in fast food, you've got a soda fountain, which is straight syrup pumping through that hose. And then it

hits some fizzy water and then they combine as they come out. And they've got their own little mixture of like those two elements and they're allowed to dabble with that. But there is a soda tester that goes around to every single one of the thousands of McDonald's, tens of thousands of McDonald's, maybe even hundreds. I don't know, but they will test the soda and be like, yep, you're hitting the mark. This is what exactly the way it's supposed to be.

So that's why when you go to a, God, I don't know if I want to throw other places under the bus. Oh, fine, I'll do it. Jack in the box. You go to it and you get a Dr. Pepper and your Dr. Pepper tastes like Fanta. There's a fucking reason for that. They don't clean the hoses.

They're running them through hoses that previously had just had strawberry soda going through it. Or it just tastes a little bit weird or off. That's because they're not beholden to the same rules and regulations that McDonald's have set for themselves. And so McDonald's has a taster who comes through and says, yes, your soda is exactly the way it's supposed to be. Carry on. So the McDonald's soda that you're going to get in Los Angeles is the same one you'll get in New Jersey. And I think that that's beautiful. Is this the same? This is information that is new to me and blowing my mind,

information that is new to me and blowing my mind, unless I edited it in a cracked article. Is this the same reason why until recently it was impossible to repair a McFlurry machine in McDonald's? That's a little bit separate. The reason that their ice cream machines are always broken is that that is a third party, a third party vendor that is entirely dependent on McDonald's for their business. And they are allowed to put the machines within the McDonald's. The McDonald's doesn't own those machines. Smart.

And when they need it fixed, the McDonald's employees are not allowed to fix that machine. You have to have somebody from that business come out and fix the machine for you. And I, at this point, maybe, I don't know if they have deals with other restaurants and stuff, they probably don't need it. If they just are in McDonald's and McDonald's, they've cornered McDonald's. Then that's their whole job. Mark is now just like building this obsolescent machine with like this built in obsolescence and just letting it break over and over again and having

people come out and fix it. Man. And then- How do I know all this? Yeah. And then Biden reversed all that and got the machines fixed. Thanks to Biden. I didn't realize-

Taking jobs out of American's- Destroyed the entire business. So I have a good question because I if I was to try to order a soda at nine in the morning, my first instinct would be to look around to see if there was a cop anywhere. Sure. Because that feels like it should be illegal. I think I would be I'm more likely to drink hard alcohol at nine in the morning than I am to get a soda. What a wild move. Yeah. What was the drive-through, which there's some cover there. Yes, anonymity.

You're in a car. And it just, it didn't open doors because I'm not gonna suddenly go back to buying soda and having it. That's good Let me do not know we don't go out to fast food almost ever and if we go to a restaurant, then we're gonna get a cocktail or a beer and So it's are you eating your lunches at home? Yeah That's insanity, dude.

Why is that insanity? I work from home. I know, but it's just like, it's so far. That island is so far from where I live. I, where I live here on the mainland, I, lunch is my favorite thing in the entire world. Like the idea of lunch, the open possibilities of lunch are like not a thing I would ever try to narrow down

until the moment I have to decide. And I love having that open to me. Like first of all, like working throughout the day, you know you're guaranteed to have that little piece of joy in the middle of the day, no matter how bad, like how sloggy your day is going with writing or whatever, you know that you're gonna get, you've allocated this time,

that's just for you to fucking fill up on something you like. And I don't wanna have to be home and have to go be narrowed down to what's in my fridge. Because I don't like any of those things. I know I put them there, but I ate some of those the other day and now I don't want them anymore.

And so I wanna go out. And so I will go out and get my lunch places. And I just love the possibility, living in a city especially, where you're like, and now I will go eat. When I go to Tucson, or I go to Colorado, I go to visit my in-laws, I will, there are certain things where I'm like, okay, you have to be a good ho, I'm a good guest. Like there are certain, there's airs you have to put on where you're like, okay, you have to be a good ho, I'm a good guest. Like there's certain, there's airs you have to put on where you're like, I have to kind of like present a little bit.

Yeah, just have to be a different person for a weekend or so. Yeah, but at this point, everybody knows Soren's gonna eat his lunch alone. Like we're not, it's no longer a fight in the house. It's no longer like a, we have lots of, we're already making something. It's no, Soren gets to go eat on his own.

Wow. Yeah. So here's why, it's soaring gets to go eat on his own. Wow. Yeah. So here's why, here's how we're brothers. When I go into the office, which I do now probably, I don't know, eight or nine times a year, I orient my entire day around lunch. It's all I think about. I think about it the day before I go into the office.

I do my commute and I'm thinking about it. And I'm not thinking about it so hard that I'm going to pre-plan what I'm getting because that ruins it. Because then what am I going to do? I just want to think about it and think about all the possibilities. And I'm in Manhattan, so I can get anything I want.

I can have sushi lunch. If I want, I could have ramen. I could have vegan slop. It's amazing. They don't have vegan slop at where I live. And it's, I didn't realize it was so much of my personality until other people started acknowledging it. And I've had coworkers that have pointed out what a lunch guy I am.

I was like, what do you mean a lunch guy? I'm like militaristic about my lunch. I will have either a vegan frozen burrito that takes a minute and a half to cook and less to eat. Or I will have one of my stupid fucking salads that I make almost every day. Those are the two lunches that I have. They're utterly joyless and it's all I do. But it's because my coworkers only see me in person

having lunch these few times a year and the impression that I've left on them is at 10.30, I start looking around and everyone asking what they're thinking about for lunch. Not that I wanna go in on an order with anyone. That's their business and I'm going to choose my path. But it's clear that I'm thinking about lunch at 10. And I think other people are too.

And I'm like, it's time to start getting excited about lunch. And also these few times that I'm at the office, I'll get a G chat from my wife who knows me really well at about 11 in the morning. She's like, so what are you gonna get for lunch today? And I'm like, honey, it's crazy that you asked that because I narrowed it down to three.

There are times where I will, like we've recorded this podcast later than normal where we get done with it and it's like 1130, which is fair game. At that point, like that can be lunchtime if I want and I will get done and I will just go get in the car and I'll be like, teeth take the wheel. Like you get to decide and it just drives me somewhere. It's the teeth that is the real... Well, I was looking for the alliteration in my brain.

I was trying to find the alliteration from my mouth. And I was like, tongue would have been good. Didn't hit that yet. Tongue take the wheel would have been way better. That Jersey Mike's is going to feel so good in my teeth. There is an element to that. There's an element of truth to that. I do like the bite.

But yeah, I do like for my mouth to be, and also, I'll also preface this by saying that when I eat lunch, I haven't eaten for 19 hours before the trip. I've had some tea and sometimes when I'm packing my children's lunch or whatever, I might have some cashews or something, but I do not eat anything from eight o'clock at night until noon the next

day. So I am starving and I'm so excited by everything that I could possibly eat, all the things. And in fact, I get to a point, if I go to fast food, that's become an issue because an ordinary fast food combo meal, not enough food. I'll work through a Shake Shack chicken sandwich and some fries and a soda. And then I'll be like, ah, that wasn't, that didn't really hit the spot. It's still got a little room. Do you remember what should have been a very grim sign for for things to come? The day that cracked was sold to

the EW scripts company? Yeah, I do. We didn't know at the time. But yeah, I knew what I knew at the time. Oh, there were there were a few of us who knew at the time. Am I, is that information I'm allowed to say? I genuinely don't know. Some of us knew and we signed some paperwork about it. And then we informed the rest of the team and Scripps was gonna come out and tell everyone and like give us all this exciting news

about how things were gonna change for the better. And they were going to do it during a lunch meeting. And I said, no, no joke. You're holding this meeting at noon or one o'clock, whatever it was. And it was all time to like, we have to tell the staff about it. And then during that meeting, it will be announced to the world to like preempt leaks. It was all timed very specifically. And I was like, hey, based on this timing, the meeting is at noon.

So you will need to provide lunch. And they're like, ha ha ha. Yeah, yeah. We're spending $40 million to buy this company. It was like, no, no, I know you're being very generous, but you, the people will be expecting lunch and you need that's you now. You are our mom now and you need to provide lunch for all of us because that's what happens.

Those are the rules for noon meetings, is you provide lunch. That's the rule for any business. You said a business meeting at lunch, you pay for the lunch. Yeah, I know that you're from Ohio and Ohio hasn't found out about lunch yet, but it's all the rage here on the coast.

And here's a list of restaurants that we've had lunch from in the past. They're big hits. Order from any of these places. It's great. And I think they settled on ordering from California Pizza Kitchen or Chipotle, one of those two chains. And the only thing, like my memory says CPK, but I also remember that the only thing that arrived ended up being Tostito chips and cookies. And that's why I think Chipotle, because I don't think CPK does chips. but I just, I remember something like chips or bread and cookies

were the only things and like they're, they're giving this life-changing news to everyone in the staff who is doing some version of this is gonna be really great or this is gonna be really terrible inside their heads and their hearts. They're digesting this big information. What does this mean?

I'm not digesting anything else. I know, everyone is like, are we going to be moving to Ohio now? Or like, is this going to be, are we going to get more resources? Are we going to get fewer resources? Are we staying in this building? This is a lot of information to process and $40 million. That's huge news for all the people who worked on Cracked all this time. We made such a valuable property and I've already digested all this information.

So I'm really just like, what is this food gonna get here? I told them they needed food and like it would be crazy if they only ordered chips. I don't think they only ordered chips. I think there was some mistake somewhere, but listeners, we only ever got chips or bread or cookies. Whatever- I mean, knowing how the rest of the time went with scripts. I wouldn't be surprised

I've never shocked me if they like the animals want food. All right. Well, okay put something in the slop tray Yeah, what do what do what do writers need? Chip chips. Yeah Doritos. We oh they don't have Doritos at the restaurant. Toast, yeah, I don't care, tortilla chips. They'll be fine with that. And just sitting there in that entire meeting, me like, there's no reason for Scripps to know this, but it was very difficult for me emotionally to keep in the information and not share it

with my coworkers ahead of this meeting. And as a result, I hadn't been eating well because I was so stressed. And now I could finally eat at this lunch meeting that I'd been thinking about for days. And they opened the floor up to questions. And I do distinctly remember asking if more lunch was going to come.

And they laughed. It was a great tension breaker. And I was like, OK. That wasn't a joke. a great like tension breaker. And I was like, okay, well. I wasn't a joke. It wasn't a joke and it was my only question. And I can see us moving on from it. I guess, I guess I'll have, I'll just have to eat dinner then.

I don't know. It's a long time. Well, I don't, I don't, I vividly don't remember that. I don't remember any of the food. I don't remember anything. It might've been a situation where we got in that room and it looked like there were leftovers from a previous meeting, which frequently happened.

And I was just like, oh, okay. Well, they didn't, they really went to town on all the real meal. So it's just chips for us. But I still love that. I still love meetings that we would be like at lunch because I knew that we were going to have an actual lunch there. And I was always, I would, I would vie to try and get something that I enjoyed at those meetings. And if it were, if you were Michael Swain, then that was a meeting where you would have

lunch and dinner for days because they would go around and have you Place your order from wherever we were ordering from and every person would be like I'll take this salad or I'll take this sandwich Or I'll take just this these appetizers and Michael would order like three things Eat half of one in that meeting and then just pack everything else up and that would be his dinner for the week. It was a good idea. I know. Pardon me that was a company man was like you are taking advantage of a system that our wonderful amazing sweet sweet boss parents have set up for us. How dare you? You should be eating a tiny bit and thanking them and giving them money.

Because I hadn't learned yet. I was not aware. We have a situation now at my work where we do get to, we have the luxury of a writer's room where if you're in the office, the night before you get a notification from the PAs that's like, hey, this is where we're going to lunch. Pick out what you want. And that's like, hey, this is where we're going to lunch.

Pick out what you want. And it's like an everyday thing. And when I first started working there, I was like, hell yeah, I'm getting it all. And like, I would, but not like with the intent of like saving it. I just wanted to eat a bunch for lunch. And I was doing that. And then within like a month I was like, I think I'm getting a little heavier. And then I was like, well, I should stop doing that.

And I didn't stop doing that. And then I definitely started to get heavier. And then I like got to a weight where I was like, okay, all right, I need to buckle down and figure out like how to solve this because I clearly can't be trusted. So I had to figure out like a solution to this problem of gluttony.

I was close to going out for a solo lunch the other day. Just because I am doing physical therapy a couple of times a week now, which has me out of the house and driving around at times of the day when I wouldn't normally do that. I would wake up and go to the gym or go for a run and then just be in my house until it was bedtime And then I would stay in my house at bedtime, too

But because I'm doing like PT and have errands out in the world I drove past a Jersey Mike's subs and I was like would it be Would I get in trouble if I just went and got a sandwich? No, I can't I can't justify you can't justify. I can't do it. I know, but I was close because it seems like such a novelty, such a lark now, even though when we were in an office full-time, it was normal. We would go, you and I would walk

and get lunch every single day. It was awesome. The other thing I'll say about Jersey Mike's bad soda selection, really rough. Is it really? Yeah, well, they've got Pepsi, they've got stars or whatever replaced some lemon lime soda.

There's a Sierra Mist, Sierra Mist is dead. Oh, Sierra Mist is dead for real? Yeah. Huh. So now there's like stars or I can't remember what's called and then you get these other ones that I think are called stump town which are you have a choice of root beer or cream soda and it's a little bit it's made with real sugar and maybe less of it so you know like an inferior soda and uh the options are not great and I will I mean not

to shit all over Jersey Mike's but Jersey Mike's has really fallen off I don't know if they got bought by Black Rock or whatever But they like their sandwiches have gotten smaller the breads gotten shittier. That's their their worst now they were good for a while as awesome their originated in Point Pleasant, New Jersey, which is on the Jersey Shore not too far from me and There's a lot of pride there and they were a company that managed to maintain quality while scaling up. Which not a lot of, like even Duncan hasn't been able to do that.

Not a lot of chains can do that, but Jersey Mike's, uh, successfully. Delivered a good product in all of its locations, even as it grew. I haven't been in a while and it sounds like they don't do that anymore, which is a no, it's gotten, it's gotten worse. Um, just like everything. Yeah, I don't totally I think it's probably not done getting worse I think the rock bottom still a good distance away, but you think about like Quiznos and Subway and These sandwich places that and I don't think about Quiznos or in your world Quiz when Quiznos started and this isn't just, I'm wearing a Colorado shirt right now.

Quiznos was started in Colorado. It was so delicious. And it was this amazing alternative to Subway, which to that point was not trying because they were like, we're the only ones doing these subs, so fuck you. You're gonna eat whatever we put out here. We got, oh, you like wet ham?

It's going on your sandwich. Order whatever you want. It all tastes like Subway, you like wet ham? It's going on your sandwich. Order whatever you want. It all tastes like Subway, you idiots. And you're going to smell like Subway for a while. It's going to get caught in your little whiskers below your nose, and you're going to be smelling that sugar bread all day. So Subway definitely scaled big. To this day, there are more Subways than there are McDonald's in the world.

Like Subway is the most famous or like the biggest fast food restaurant in terms of locations. Subway knew from the beginning, we are not going for quality. And then Quiznos came along like, well, we are. And Quiznos was outstanding. For a while, Quiznos had their chili with their cornbread. Oh And Quiznos was outstanding. For a while, they're chili with their cornbread. Quiznos was doing it right. And then the same trajectory is now Jersey Mice has taken for some reason, sub places can survive for a little while and then they just cannot. Like there's some tipping point for them where they're like, well, we got

to start cutting costs. And they will do things like get rid of their meat slicing machine or whatever and just ship in slices of meat between two pieces of tissue paper. Yeah, and then it becomes infinitely worse and to this day like Quiznos never recovered, right? I think Quiznos are all gone now because eventually the quality got so bad that even the people that didn't care were like I can't I can't abide by this. There's no way I can sit down and eat this meal. It's so damning that people left Quiznos to go back to their abusive ex, Subway. That was me.

I was like, well, maybe Subway's not so bad. At least it's a bad that you understand. You know what you're getting. Yeah, that tangible bad. You can't be let down by Subway. Quiznos, there's still some hurt there. There's still some betrayal, but Subway is like, yeah, but it fits. I know. The only thing I can say is, and I'm sure this is not a problem for you, because you live in a sandwich mecca, which I'm jealous of.

New Jersey and New York are like where sandwiches were born, but I've got a, I've gotten limited in my options. I would love to go to just like a little no, like a little deli that's a mom and pop shop. And there are some here, a lot of them make pretty trash sandwiches. They just haven't figured it out. They haven't isolated like what's going to make a good sandwich. They just haven't figured it out. They haven't isolated like, what's gonna make a good sandwich. They're not hitting that bliss point, but.

The right ratio, yeah. Yeah, if I could get the right mom and pop shop, I would love to just get sandwiches every single day from them, but they can't. So I'm like, well, what do I know that I like? Well, I like Jersey Mike's. Do I anymore? I don't think so.

That's a shame. Yeah. When you mentioned just saying the sequence of words, root beer and cream soda, that was as we're sharing a single diet coke at nine o'clock in the morning at Lowe's, we had like plans that day. We had, we were gonna get mulch,

we were gonna do some home stuff, then we were gonna wash up and go visit my parents and have dinner with them. But I, a few sips of soda and I was like, should we go to like a Stewart's and get some fountain root beer? Should we go to a, what's the point? Should we go to any movie and just get a big soda

and drink it in the, should we throw it all away? And just be one of those couples who sodas? You were about to have like a real soda vendor. You were like, as soon as real soda vendor. I was. As soon as they hit your lips, you were gearing up for it. I know. We stayed on track. We're good. I called my sponsor.

I mean, those options are at Lowe's, too. Like, Home Depot and Lowe's, for whatever reason, you can go get your wood and stuff, and if you're not finding what you like, you can also go get like a really shitty lollipop and a Dr. Pepper out of their little fridge. They've got food at Lowe's and Home Depot for no reason. They've got like the fridge with like Dasani

and Sprite and stuff. They have- Whole soda selections, yeah. They have a fridge with lollipops? What are you talking about? Oh no, not a fridge. They're, it's, I don't know why they do it. Ace Hardware does it too.

They are these racks in which there are these lollipops that are bigger than a dum-dum. They're like much bigger and they have a million different flavors. There's like a cotton candy one and then there's s'mores and stuff like that. They're all absolute garbage. They're like the worst lollipop you've ever had, but they all do this. They've all adhered to this weird lollipop thing. Yeah. I have not observed this.

All right. We'll take a look next time. They've all adhered to this weird lollipop thing. I have not observed this. All right, we'll take a look next time. You'll see it there. There's I want to. So the way that you these aren't Chupa Loops, but the way that Chupa Loops get displayed where it's like one tower with a bunch of like sticks in it, and they're all kind of like blooming out of it.

That's how these lollipops are presented. Oh, go to the garden section. That's where they usually are. But then also they've got just like candy options. They're like, and also, hey, while you're working on this job, do you want some tamales? When was the last time you had a Mike and Ike? And you're like, oh, you're right. I think I do want that. Chupa Chups.

Oh, sorry. Chupa Chups. That's not what they are. In fact, I can find the name of them. One second. No, Chupa Chups. When I Googled Chupa Loops, it didn't, as I feared, take me to like a brand new slur.

It's, but it did, Google knew that I meant Chupa Chups, not Chupa Loops. Okay, I know what these are called. These are called Original Gourmet Lollipops. Okay. Take a look at those. You'll called original gourmet lollipops. Okay. Take a look at those. You'll recognize them as soon as you see them. And they are abysmal.

Oh yeah, yeah. Those have no right existing. You had them when you were a kid, I guarantee it because you went somewhere with your dad and they had them at the dump too or whatever. And they were like, let me get one of those. Your dad was like, okay. And then the first bite you took, you're like, oh,

ah, fuck, there's a lot of this left. Yeah. That's, they have not made a new one of those lollipops in quite some time. They made a batch just to keep the economy going in the Great War. And then they've had so much leftover goop that they've just jammed it all on sticks and spread it out across gas stations and marshals across

the country. I think you're right. Or not even close to running out. I think these are leftover from some other, yeah, from some other era when like this was a tolerable candy. And they're like, fuck, we still have a lot of these. Can we put them anywhere? What if we start putting them in lumber stores?

And people are like, what? All right. Let's try it. See through bin of those weird little root beer barrel candies. I don't know. We're not relying on the income from these things. So it's all gravy. Well, Daniel, I do have something I want to talk to you about as well. Good.

You played baseball. You played right field when you were a kid. I did. Do you remember the age at which kids started having like additional accoutrement when they would play? Like they started having batting gloves and they started having like their own customized helmets and stuff like that. Did that ever even take place when you played? We had batting gloves but I don't think we had custom helmets or anything. And even the batting gloves didn't feel like, I assume that everyone got batting gloves

the same way I did as stocking stuff for at Christmas. And I was like, oh, this, fuck, this means I'm still playing, huh? All right. Okay, cool, good. I'm now, I coach my daughter's T-ball team. It hasn't affected them yet, really. But my son's team, my son is nine years old.

And I'll help, I'll kind of like assistant coach here and there with his team. Is he really nine? He's nine, yeah. Holy shit. And he's just like an ace pitcher. He's so good, dude. But I will, as I'm like playing, I'll be a first base coach.

And like a kid will not get a hit. They don't ever get hits, but they'll walk. And they'll walk to first. And then the business it fucking takes for some of these kids to take off all of their shit is like, you should not have all of this. You definitely don't need all of this. They have their batting gloves.

They've got like some sort of saddle for their foot, their front foot in case their foot gets hit maybe, but the kids are pitching at 30 miles, they're pitching these rainbows. Like there's no danger there. They get, and then handing me their gloves and putting on one of those oven mitts. Do you watch any baseball?

No. Okay. This is very common in the NBA. NBA. This is very common in MLB where once they're on base, they wear these oven mitts. It's basically a giant mitten. Your thumb is not separate from it. It's just a big paddle basically, and it's padded.

And the point is that when you're sliding in face first, you're not breaking your fingers on somebody's boot or you're not breaking your fingers on the base. It just allows you to not, it's just a little extra protection and like the ground too, because there's so much friction from your hand sliding on the ground. So it's just covering up bare skin basically

for your big, big slides. These kids don't slide. And even if they don't slide, they're not sliding head first. I don't even think it's allowed in our league. Absolutely not. I think it's illegal because it's so dangerous

and they don't know how to do it. I know that I, in all of my baseball time, never slid face first. And that means it's illegal, because if I was allowed to do it, that's the only way I would travel. That's just how I would get to base. A to B is just like, this is my new preferred form of travel.

So these kids are not sliding like that, but they, and then I got to sit there at first base and like hold all this gear where I'm like, no. In fact, I don't think you're allowed to have this anymore. I'm not your father, but I'm going to put all this right here in the trash can and you're on your own. But like, and I see it on the other team, the kids have it. They've, they're all black.

They're greasing on their eyes. Like they've gotten all of the stuff that would suggest that they are professional players. And I think that it's a huge, maybe this is the crotchety old man to me, but I think it's a huge distraction. Even when we're in like, when we're just at a practice and we're like, all right, well, we need somebody to hit. Like we're all doing some fielding drills, but we need somebody to hit. Like go grab your stuff.

It takes them nine minutes to put all their stuff on. And I'm like, no, don't, don't just get a helmet. And they're like, what are my gloves? And I'm like, I don't, it's only a practice. Please don't grab your gloves. Please don't grab anything else. I won't hit you. I promise when I throw it to you, but they are, it's wild.

It's wild how much stuff kids are allowed to have. And I feel like, man, there's gotta be a tipping point here. I feel like at some point UPS should be like, okay, let me get everybody out here like we're in soccer. I wanna see your cleats. I wanna make sure you don't have a front spike. And then in baseball, I want them to be like, all right, now let me see all your gear.

This, this, this, you don't need it. It's going on the roof of the dugout. There we go. Does Ronan like all the gear too? No. Because I was going to say, because I think it appeals to a certain kind of kid that goes really hard for gear just generally. Like I think it's cool. And they would think it was cool even in my day when there were fewer things to get. I'm sure there were still people who did want a custom helmet

or did want a custom this or that because they saw another athlete who had it and they just like, you know, for some kids accessorizing is part of the appeal of doing the sport. I was- It's the costume you get to wear. Right. And there are some of us for whom it was opposite.

Like I enjoyed, not that I really loved any of the youth sports that I did, one of the reasons I liked basketball more than baseball was just how little equipment was involved. And it was just like shorts and shirt, and you run around. And that's the whole day. And baseball, just like, oh, I have this bag, and the bag has my glove, and it has my batting glove, and it has my cup, and it has my whatever else, all this stuff that I have to like,

the specificity of how you, now I have baseball socks and I gotta tuck the thing into the thing for the baseball socks. And it was just like, this is, I'm just, there's too much fucking shit on me. I don't like it. There is a lot of business with knickers and like socks. Yeah.

I totally agree with you. But I mean, the things that I'm not even accounting for here are things that are not functional, but the kids are still doing. Like some of them will get their names printed on the backs of their shirt. Some of them will get, there are kids that get whatever number they are that season,

they get a little necklace with that number on it. Holy cow. I know, it's wild. And then they wear the wrap around sunglasses. It's a big deal to have some gum. Like it's just all part of the look. It's like the, it's just that me chewing gum as I play. And I get all that.

I understand why you'd want to do that. But then you watch these kids play and you're like, surely you know you're not ready for all this, right? Lookie, also I don't even think that this is your sport. I think that it's good that you're getting a good baseline and you know, like you have the fundamentals, but I think you've got a pretty clear ceiling in baseball. I don't think this is gonna go very far.

I do think you have a limitless potential in cosplay. I think once you learn about that, and like if what you like is dressing the part, I think you're just gonna love Halloween. It's everything you like about baseball and none of the shit you hate. Yeah, it's really interesting to see. And there's no limit to what companies will take from children for this. If you go to a, I live right near El Segundo.

And El Segundo, as everybody knows, not recently, but last year won the Little League World Series. So El Segundo is on the map in terms of baseball talent. So if you try to go to a Dick's Sporting Goods there, the bats are like $1,000. I mean, a kid's bat. A bating Goods there, the bats are like a thousand dollars. I mean, a kid's bat, like a bat for a nine-year-old is like a, you can get anywhere from, you know, what you'd actually pay for a bat to up into the hundreds. And then there's like some that are like even more expensive than that. Some like near $900. And you're like, why? Why do,

don't do this. Just let them play, get the fundamentals out of the way first. Then when they get older, they can figure out all this other shit. Yeah. When you started this conversation, ask me at what age kids started to add accoutrement to their baseball game. I thought it was going in a different direction

because the only thing that I thought it was going in a different direction. Because the only thing that I thought of was the clear, visceral impact that the film Gladiator had on child baseball players who really enjoyed going up to the plate, putting their bat down, and picking up the sand like Maximus did, and rubbing it in their hands, and testing it and feeling it. I saw a lot of kids doing that in 2000

when that movie came out. Oh man. I thought, I was thinking you were gonna be like, them throwing the bat into the stands and shouting, are you not entertained? No. We didn't. I was like, where's he going?

We're gladiator for baseball? Yeah. I think the kid would need to have done something entertaining to reach a point where they can throw a bat at the crowd. But usually, the kind of kid who is imitating Maximus is not the kind of kid who is also hitting dingers. Yeah, that's right. I find myself, these older kids, I find myself

yelling at them all the time. Because they also just don't know the etiquette of baseball yet. And granted, that's right. I find myself, these older kids, I find myself yelling at them all the time because they also just don't know the etiquette of baseball yet. And granted, it's tough. It's like, it's hard to figure out because there's so many unspoken rules that are you got to, you just can't break them. And so like a kid will be on base

and he'll be shouting at our pitcher, be like, pitch your pitcher, looky here. I'm a, like whatever their little thing is. But the pitchers are terrified. They don't, they're like, looky here, I'm a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of a son of Like, don't talk to him. And if these kids will be in the dugout and like, there'll be guys on base, every single one of them got on with a walk, and then there'll be another ball four. And so we're gonna walk one home

and the kids will start cheering. And like the kid coming down the line will be like jauntily dancing about it. Like how he's gonna, he's like, oh, we scored, we scored. It's like, you guys did not deserve any of that. Stop cheering for a walk in, that's terrible. And so I don't know how to impart that on them because it's hard to explain in the moment.

So all I do is yell at them. Sure. I say, hey, no, cool it, stop. And they're like, oh, coach didn't like that. Okay, I don't know why, but I'm not allowed to do that. I got, I made it to home without embarrassing myself. And now coach is yelling at me. I don't understand.

What was the point of money ball? First of all, we were losing like six. One kid came home on a walk and touched his butt to the home plate. Like doing like a, I'm having a little fun. And I got, I was so mad at him because I was like, look at, look how badly you're losing. And you just came in on a walk.

You did the- One should never behave that way, but you especially. You're not allowed to do this. I'll tell you when you're allowed to gloat. It's not right now. But yeah, so like trying to get them on board with that. And then in my daughter's league, so my daughter is four and it's adorable.

I coach her team and they're so fun and funny. And the way that they like, they hit off the tee. And then one of them will just be like, and I will be going to first base as a dinosaur. They're going to crawl to first base, growling at everybody and you're like, all right, it's a choice. And when they're out in the field, you have to really separate them out because as soon as that ball gets hit, they all swarm to it and they fight over it. And every, it happens, no matter what you say to them, like they because as soon as that ball gets hit they all swarm to it and they fight over it and every it happens no matter what you say to them like they as soon as that ball gets hit they'd lose their minds like it's just

like only lizard brain is left it's like I have to get this thing that's moving and they all rush at it they dogpile on it when one of them finally gets it they get very excited and then they forget what they're supposed to do with it and everyone has to be like, hey, throw it to first. And there's still a good chance that they're gonna get the kid out because he's crawling there, or he's decided to go to third,

or whatever they've decided. I have one kid on my team who is my neighbor, and he's wonderful. He can, actually, if I was to pitch to him, he would hit it. Like, he loves baseball. He's like from an early, he's already knows, like, this is my sport, I love this.

And he's also clearly watched a lot of baseball because he gets up there. He does that like helmet tap. He taps his bat on home plate. And then he tries to do this bat twirl, but he's, you know, four years old. So the dexterity is not there, but you see the effort and you see what he's going for. And it's so cute because he's like, trying to do like this really focused on this pretty paltry bat twirl. And then he puts it up and it's great. I feel like what we are learning is that there is an age at which you will tolerate kid imitating baseball player they see on TV.

And it's, it ends somewhere between four and nine because it's very clear to you at four. And then at nine, these kids should be men. What are you doing? It is true that I'm for the older kids, I'm fed up. I won't have it anymore. And like, they should know, it's just, you should know better. Like there are ages in my mind and they all have to just guess what those are.

Yeah. Where I've decided for any given thing in the world, you should know better. And when you don't, I'm outraged and I'm mad at you. Do you have, to the nine-year-olds point that they like call their their where they think they're gonna hit the ball to? I don't. Yeah, I don't think so.

No, I would I would totally tolerate that though. I think that that's a very funny thing to do. I would never do it in like the the official sanctioned youth little league games that my parents could see. But I would, playing ball with buddies or playing at school, I would do that. I felt more comfortable doing that. And I think I didn't really understand the point of it as being equal parts intimidation and a display of skill of like,

I say I'm gonna hit the ball here, now watch me, that's exactly what I'm gonna do because I have so much control over my body and the sport. I would point as like, this is where I hope it goes. It's like, I don't know any other way to get it there. I just want everyone to know this is my plan. And if I don't, I know, I think I'm not, I'm definitely not going to hit it,

but like, I think I deserve some credit for coming up with the plan. Yeah, you knew where I was aiming. I wanted it to go up and far away. And I didn't do that, but like, you know, hire me as your strategy guy, because clearly I've got good ideas for where a baseball should go.

When my son pitches, and he got this from a kid from his team last year, but a kid, when they first learn how to throw a ball, they throw it kind of like a shot put, like it's all arm and they start their shoulder with it, and then they just kind of like push forward. Some of us still do that. You really have to get them- Some of us still do that. You really have to get them to a point

where they're like opening up their body, basically, getting that ball behind them, and then they're throwing across a plane that's not here by their face, but a little bit higher. Like the ball's coming, your release point is like up high, higher than your head, basically, when you're releasing. Really? Yeah, on the arc down, as it's like arcing down.

Just like you would, like you'd picture like a trebuchet throwing something, like at the point of release. Say what you are. Oh yeah, is that what you say to the kids too, coach? I say catapult to them. They don't know what the fucking trebuchet is. But they all seem to know catapult.

And so when my son does it, to make sure that he's throwing on that higher plane, because you think about like somebody throwing down here, there's no, it's just all arm. But like when you throw from up here, you can actually get some like, some zip on it. So to make sure that he plays, throws on that higher plane, he does this thing when he pitches.

Every single time he takes the ball, he puts it up behind him and holds it up and looks at it. And he's like trying to match that plane, wherever he's held the ball behind him. And then he'll throw it. But if you didn't know that and you just saw a kid out on the mound, you'd be like, that kid really loves that ball.

Just like holding it up like a trophy and looking at it above his head. Hey kid, don't worry. You'll get another one. It'll come back to you. And then pitching. And it does seem like it could be any, yeah, it seems like it could be him being like,

this is the one, this is the strike ball. This is the ball that's gonna strike him out. And it's so, and so like people ask me about it, like other teams and stuff, they're like, what's he, what's he doing? And I'm like, oh, he's getting in on a higher plane. It's like a, just helps him remember every single time. And they're like, oh shit, yeah,

maybe our kids should be doing that. It's really funny to watch, but it's also like, it helps him and he pitches strikes, man. He's so fun and good and he's excited about it. And when he's not pitching well, he's also super still excited and fun. And like he's into it no matter what. And that's such a good place for him to be.

And I'm like, all right. It actually hadn't occurred to me how terrifying being a pitcher would be because it was never on my radar as something that was going to happen for me. And when I was batting, pitchers were effectively very scary and intimidating to me because they could hit me or they could strike me out. Those are the only options. Walking is not an option. The idea of not swinging at whatever fucking came my way had not occurred to me.

I want you on my team, Dan. These kids are just waiting. Even when a coach would give me the signal for like, hey, don't swing at this. Just like, just let the ball go by so you can get an idea of the speed of his pitch or like you can, or just like, yeah, I'm just trying to give every kid an opportunity to bat longer, to have more batting time. And you strike out so quickly. So just like, don't swing once. And like, got it coach. Absolutely not. That ball's coming straight for me. I'm going to swing.

So I would swing like crazy, which is my way of saying that pitchers could either hit me or strike me out because those are the only options. And the idea that, I mean, maybe they were immune to it the way I was immune to stage fright. But thinking about it now, which seems like a 10-year-old kid who is like, I'm at the position that everyone is looking at all the time and I have to do the right thing so many times in a row in every inning. There's not even like a time where it's like, well, now it's now someone else

is the pitcher. You were just pitching this game. And I that just seems awful and terrifying to me. But again, maybe that's maybe that's what that's what winners crave. I don't it's it you do see it. You see that meltdown happen. It's pretty sad, actually. It's like these kids because cause they're young and like when all the focus is on them and the team is depending on them as well and they just can't do it. Like it's like the ball, they're just throwing balls.

And it's, and then it gets worse because now they're in their own head about it. And they're like, just get in his mitt. And like they're throwing past the catcher and then kids are stealing and then like kids are getting walked home. Like you can see kind of like on some of them it really gets to them.

Some of them like they'll have like a little meltdown out there. And I saw a kid, it wasn't even his rodent's game but I saw a kid hit another kid and run off the field crying because he felt so bad that he hit a kid. And it's like, it's a tough ask for like this age to have them be pitching. And I'll say from the batting perspective as well,

so much of this portion of the game is mental and in being a batter like you were just describing and being so scared up there and seeing just a pitcher throwing to you while everyone is watching. And he could hit you, he could hit you and hurt you, or he could throw a bunch of balls and make you look silly when you swing at them. Like there's anything could happen and they're all,

most of them are bad. And in fact, the chances of something good happening are pretty slim. Yeah, I could end our inning for our whole team. I could ruin the next guy's chance to bat. It's terrible. It's a tough, it's a tough ask, but when they succeed in it, like you see that confidence in the build

and you're like, that was, yeah, that's great. And even when they don't succeed at it, when they're like, you know that, let's say, yeah, you've got two outs, you're up to bat and you just like watch a pitch go by, you watch strike three go by, you know you're not supposed to watch it, you know you're not supposed to do it. You know you're not supposed to do that.

You're supposed to keep swinging. And then you got to walk back to the dugout. At least then you know that feeling. The next time you encounter it, you're a little bit more ready, I assume. I mean, I'm hoping that that's the case. And that's why we do this to these children. But like, you're a little bit more,

you know that when you fail in a big situation, it's not the end of the world and things just go on. And your team isn't mad at you either. They're like, ah, I probably would have done the same thing. My team was definitely mad at me. But yeah, Ronan, I don't know if it's like, if it's youth or what, but he unbothered. When he's out there on the mound and he's pitching, he does pitch some balls. And like, if he walks a kid, he doesn't sweat it at all. And like, if things aren't going well, like he's pitching in the dirt or whatever,

he's like, he'll come back in and I'll be like, how'd that go? And he's like, pretty good. I'm like, okay, great. Then I'm happy with you. I know exactly as I'd be as a pitcher, because I've seen me at bachelor parties at a gun range where you have the target that you're trying to shoot

and it's my turn and everyone's looking at me and I'll fire it and I won't like the sensation of firing it and I don't think I hit anything. And I will just turn to the people behind me and was like, does anyone else wanna, I don't know the mechanics of this, does somebody else wanna go? That is 100%.

I would throw one ball in baseball and then like desperately turn to the outfield and be like, did you, you seemed unhappy with the way that I did that. So do you want to, like, I promise you, you can have my turn. You can 100% have my turn. I am okay with this.

It's for the good of the group here, guys. It's for the good of the group. Anyone else can try it. It could be fun. I don't know how this thing works. And I'm pointing to my arm while I'm doing it. I just don't, I think there's something wrong with mine. I'm not sure if it's going.

So you know what? You let me go inside and talk to someone. Do not pause the game. I will come back. I do like to hear that when you were a kid though, you would swing away at everything because that's the biggest problem with kids at this age. Once you have kids start pitching

and they know how wild they are, their first instinct is, I don't wanna get hit. And so a lot of times their first step is almost out of the box. They're not even gonna plan on swinging, but then also they expect everything to be a ball. And then they're waiting for something that's not a ball, but they're not waiting on it. They're, like they're just like, a strike happens.

They're like, there are surprises everyone else. They're like, whoa, that was a strike. And if you treat it like it's a ball until it's a strike, you'll never swing it anything. And that's what ends up happening is like, kids will be like, it'll be clear that it's a strike and they're way too late and they don't even give like a full swing.

They're just kind of like, oh, that was, that should have gone for that one. Like it's such a Osh-J give like a full swing. They're just kind of like, oh, that was, that should have gone for that one. Like it's an Osh-Shok's kind of swing. And so try to convince these kids to treat everything like a strike instead, and then back off from it if it's way out of your zone. But otherwise just try to hit it. It's like so hard to get them in that mode where like,

hey, if it's even close, you're allowed to swing it. I think it was just that the only thing that I felt like I might have some control over because like I didn't know how to read a pitch at all. Yeah, well. So I couldn't tell as it was coming in. And I also didn't really know how to hit the ball very well or put it anywhere specific.

But I thought like swinging seems to be the thing that increases my chances of accidentally doing something well. Yeah. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, right? And so, yeah, you got to swing. You have to swing. And when a kid strikes out swinging, all the coaches go nuts because we're like, yes, you tried. Like you went down swinging and that's wonderful. I remember hitting the ball and popping out one time and a coach giving me a talking to afterwards

where he was like, I told you not to swing for the fences on this one because their fielders are great. I told you to keep it low, which was in fact, like advice that he'd give me. Like I think he had a specific instruction that he had given to me, but I was just like, man, brother, the idea that I could put it anywhere

on purpose, this is a little bit- Bless your heart. You can tell me anything. Bless your heart, coach. Yeah. You've seen me play. Bless your heart, coach. Yeah. You've seen me play. This isn't your first game either. Get the ball on the ground.

Yeah, it was gonna be there eventually, man. What do you want? I don't know. That guy got in the way. I remember being at a game when I was a kid, and it was the first time in my baseball career where coaches were given signs. I was old enough that they were given signs.

They'd have a hit and run sign, stuff like that. And they had a bunt sign. And he was like, it's going to be whatever the third sign is I give you. That's what I want you to do. And I'd forgotten that. And so he started giving me signs and I was like, oh no. And he did touch his belt at one point, which means bunt. And I was like, okay, I've never bunted in my entire life. I've never done it before. And I think my coach wants me to bunt. So I'm gonna do it. And so I got up there and found it surprisingly easy because all you have to do is put the bat

in front of the ball. Man, I fucking loved getting the signal to bunt. It didn't happen often, but when it did, I could actually do that. And it was like, I have this fucking training wheels ass baseball. Hell yeah. Both hands. Yeah. I don't have to swing. All I do, yeah, just guide that ball into the bat. And then once it hits, I ran to the base and my coach went nuts. He was like, how did you figure that out that you wanted to bunt there? And I was like, I thought you told me. He loved that I had done it. He had not told me to

bunt. I don't know if he was just giving me signs to throw them off or what, but he had told me to do something else, I guess. And I was like, I guessed it bunt and that was wrong, but more right than he thought so. And from like, I was like that coach's guy from then on. He was like, he thought I had a high baseball IQ and it turns out it's just an idiot. Yeah. And then he realized shortly after that, you bunted on every single pitch that came through. It was like, okay, I misunderstood the situation.

Yeah, not a prodigy. And as far as like my own baseball knowledge, like I'm making it sound like I know what I'm talking about in baseball. I did not play baseball very far. My son is actually about to exceed what I can teach him. The other day he was like, I want to work on throwing far. And I was like, cool.

And he's like, can you help me with that? And I was like, oh no. Absolutely not. Throw harder. Just throw harder. And he's like, what? And I was like, oh, I'm sure that there's strategy and everything to it. I don't know what that is.

I don't know how it would even begin to train you to throw harder and farther. Protein, I don't know. Wait, we're to the end, we're to the limits of my knowledge. I'm sorry, I can't help you beyond this point. Even his pitching, I'm like, you're throwing it in there. You're throwing strikes. He's like, I want to pitch harder. And I'm like, you're throwing it in there, you're throwing strikes. He's like, I want to pitch harder. And I'm like, uh.

Time. I never threw very hard. It's a real problem. I didn't pitch for that exact reason. I'll learn with you. Does that sound fun? Let's see if there are any dads on YouTube. Yeah, man. All right, well, that's our show.

Yeah. Thanks for listening to our show about fast food and baseball as always. This is a quick question with Soren and Daniel. We liked our theme song, That's Me Rex. You can find their music anywhere you stream. We also should always mention our editor, our sound engineer, our producer, our life force, Gabe

Harder. If you like this podcast in the audio form, you can watch it. You can watch Dan and I in our respective homes doing this on YouTube. And if you want even more of this, we do a tone, not tone down, a more unbuttoned version of this podcast. It's a little bit shorter and a little bit more just Daniel and I catching up. That's on Patreon. Goodbye. Bye. You alright? The answer's not important I'm just glad that we could talk tonight So what's your favourite?

Who did you get? Who do I pick? Remember? What did I do? Let it all go Who do we know? Oh forget it Saw a movie

Daniel O'Brien Two best friends and comedy writers If there's an answer they they're gonna find it. I think you'll have a great time here. I think you'll have a great time here.