Quorators - Alternate Worlds w/ Kyle Harris

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: Are Goblins Real? I am 7 but in a classroom with babies. What should I do? Why is not having faster-than-light travel a problem? Why does it matter? Who cares? ----- Get even more Quorators when you support the show @ http://patreon.com/quorators  Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show at https://www.youtube.com/@quorators  Check out Jeremy's new website at https://dibsnext.com 

way back with another week of quaraders uh season three no longer home of the fact and actually it's a new beginning i'm alex and this is jeremy oh i'm jeremy that's a lie The fact is, that's Jeremy. And we got a great show for you this week. You're not going to believe the thrills and chills we have for you. It's going to feel like you're part of Alternate Worlds. The theme of the week is Alternate Worlds, and we read Quora, and that's the show. Kyle Harris, comedian from Brooklyn, New York City, is here.

Hello. Hello. Hello. If you are listening to the show You've been waiting for Kyle to hop on these mics And now you're finally sated at last It's been requested And I'm here

Kyle, you ever go on Quora.com? Usually every day Okay No, no He's lying He's lying for clout It's becoming a thing though, weirdly I feel like Google has gotten so bad

That now I find myself on it by accident I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? It's entirely because of Google. We started this show because it started showing up from Google, and now it's one of the top three answers on Google every search. Yeah. I don't know what kind of backroom deal Mr. Alphabet has in the works, but they're trying to get you to do home medical advice,

and that's one of the ways to do it. If you are listening to this show and are a returning listener, consider supporting the show on patreon.com slash 4Raters. We have a new episode for you every Thursday. And also, we're down a lot of cash. So think about it. If you don't have any cash, consider telling a friend. If you have too much cash, consider buying a skywriting plane

and putting it over a popular area like the beach in a summertime. Not now. Buy a plane for the beach in six months. And that can be instead of a donation. And I think that will pay for itself. That's just one idea I've had. Wait, what? Like one of the beach planes that fly?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. Yeah, you get it. Do you want it with a banner or do you want it to spell it out in the sky? Which do you prefer? I prefer for them to spell it out in the sky. Okay, me too. In my head, I always picture them doing a loop-de-loop to spell the letters like in Charlie Brown.

They don't do that. They just do like dots. Everything's gotten so woke. Instead, they just have a machine that spells by the plane. It kind of just poops out clouds. In 1924, if you wanted to promote the Quarators podcast, you had to do a double axle switchy flip. You had to be a dog.

You had to be a dog with goggles on. I don't know what other kinds of pilots there were. We have to have human pilots doing our ads. Ever since Black Panther came out, the skywriting game has changed completely. um all right so we are going to get into the show kyle i was telling you before we started we have a new exciting yes um segment we do to attract uh the biggest market in podcasting which is lonely and angry men that's right um and we're trying to help them with our new segment tips for

men uh you got any fucking tips for men tips for men yeah you know these don't have to be complicated uh the first one we did was wear a suit oh yeah that's you can't do that one that's off the table well i i would say along with the suit uh start your day off with greek yogurt oh that's a good tip i don't do that but men are so averse to greek yogurt yeah they think it's they think it's just too feminine for them but it's actually a lean protein slurry that they would give you if you were in jail that's the way to do it as far as i understand jail food is mostly yogurts haven't looked into it at all with the nationality attached to it yes it is for patroclos that's our tip for great great tips for men okay let's do quaraders how much cooler would it be if

i'd like made that on the guitar instead of stealing it from free youtube music i thought that was you that sounds like you well i mean it's me doing the voice i've been playing the song you didn't do that there's i didn't find a guy who sounds exactly like me i believe this the robot in the theme song is also me i don't feel like i'm spoiling anything because people keep commenting about that and i'll admit it i'm the robot i am not friends with an expensive robot like everyone wants me to be maybe i would be in an alternate world wow but first we go back to catholicism all right to read our question from last week fucking can't get season three right it's so hard

there's so many moving parts we asked our best question yet because we got 20 answers on this what was it it was like a normal question right what should i do if my friend keeps trying to convert me to catholicism yeah this is like a question that would normally be on quora i'm surprises wasn't already on there people were mad about it people were not happy about it not at us a lot of people were just like tell them to fuck off that is not okay well what's what's what's the friend offering if you convert just catholic kingdom of heaven when you die i guess see he gets it and still he chooses to burn he thinks it's funny i do um well yeah i don't know i have a catholic wife i i have a i have health care through my wife i imagine i'll get heaven through

my wife through some loophole that is jeremy that is not how it works i imagine through some sort of shenanigans oh no she's catholic she's got it so i'm good i get that everybody gets a plus one yeah exactly that'd be fun if you had a plus one in heaven you could let in all kinds of unsavory figures like genghis khan would let you live sure so you he could be your plus one yeah that's true and then he'd be in heaven impregnating everyone that would rock yeah it wouldn't see you maybe you don't maybe we shouldn't have you in there i'm in i got a plus i'm a plus don't people change when they get up what if he just is into like giving haircuts i think your body changes this isn't the catholicism episode that was last week when you go to heaven it's kind of like going

through puberty yeah you find yourself yeah you find hair where there was no hair before Everyone is a monkey, I think. In heaven? New heaven theories just dropped. Red heaven theories. Controversial. Skywriting plane put in heaven. People are monkeys, colon, quarators.

Put that at the beach where no one has cell phone service. Yes, please do that. Don't give us your money. Put it in skywriting. We don't want it. We do want it. What are people saying to you is what I want to know. Hans Probsting, who lives in Australia, says,

In my experience, fuck off is universally understood. He has a lot of upvotes on that. He does. Tell him to stop. Just stop. Say it with a smile, but very firmly. And that's from Susan Sachs. So, okay.

Do you want to try that one? Sure. Do a smile. First of all, you're prettier when you smile. Yeah, you're so beautiful when you do that. You look so hot right now. For the audio listeners, I'm smiling, and I look hot. All right, I'm looking at you, and I'm saying,

Jeremy, you must convert to Catholicism. Just stop. Oh, there it is. I don't know. I don't know if that was firm enough. Okay. I'm not sure if that would work. This guy says, Enrique says,

Look, I really value you as a friend, but I'm not interested in your religion. So if you can't stop trying to convert me, we need to stop spending time together. Oh, that puts stakes on me. That's what I ended up telling my friend that was trying to convert me to Mormonism. we had a long talk

where he told me he was doing so because he genuinely thought it was something good for me but I held firm and he stopped trying to convert me

that's so funny because one of the Mormon guys was like I guess this guy's fucking fucked for eternity yeah

no yeah for real there's no saving him I told you I had a roommate like that in college who was like yeah I do genuinely

think you will burn in hell for eternity and you don't get a plus one no matter who your wife is it's not like insurance

no well I was like well what if she like applies during november for me to go to heaven and like that's fine before it rotates before the medicaid check yeah yeah it's either heaven or medicaid as far as i understand health care jokes you got health care kyle no uh do i yeah now i do newly quick check i don't think i have it right now

yeah i bought one of those it's like super cheap oh not super cheap actually i don't know how i'm gonna afford that a guy on the street gave you he gave me a voucher i got like a plan i'm waiting on a plan no one punch alex no i can't go to any more comedians touch football games like i did in 2015 when i knocked my the teeth out of my head that's rough it was rough kyle thank you um any other good advice on telling me off? Yeah, ask him if the Pope's Catholic. If he says yes, say,

maybe it's you who needs a conversion. If he says no, say, tell me more. He just might help you to find God. I don't really understand what angle this person's taking. The Pope is Catholic. This came up a lot last week.

It's the trickster angle. People hate this Pope. They do hate the Pope, which I find very funny. because he's gone woke like the sky writing thing yeah he's always like you can be gay in heaven and you get a plus one people like no no you don't i was talking about this at christmas with my wife's family how i think it's funny that people get mad at the pope i was like it's not like he's an elected official and they're like well he is elected i was like by god by god god votes yeah and he releases white smoke yeah so everybody knows yeah don't worry i bet it wasn't a black

smoke system and then everybody was like oh my god the vatican it's on fire again and they were like we need to invent a better smoke yeah no that's actually how it went and that's how the world finds progress would you agree to that i think so um could you sky write the smoke the catholic smoke yeah you could go to the beach and write new pope francis is here nazi retired everyone was catching on to his stuff um gary manis says they're on the road to hell thank you oh me or you i don't know there's a lot of answers i think you're on the road to hell with this attitude go check out the quora question we asked for to hear more 31 answers need improvement yeah how many 30 people showed

up to just be like go suck on a dick yeah someone says he's probably a pedophile someone says unfriend the pedophile oh because of catholicism well that's frank wilkie says tell him to f off and get lost i'm converting as a jew all caps jew now we're down one this sucks for me we're hemorrhaging numbers so let's just decide if you want to be a catholic fair enough i'm checking my flock and i'm saying we're gonna need more wool this winter we've spent too much time in this world yeah this was last week let's go into an alternate there's no way to fix this system yes please let's go to this first segment is forbidden knowledge secrets truths forbidden knowledge what do we got um why is it not having faster than light

travel a problem why does it matter who cares i don't like your attitude about this first of all This is maybe my favorite phrasing on a Quora question we've done in months. It's so aggressive and mad. I like that they're saying it. I imagine they're saying it to a scientist. Yeah. You and your precious going fast. Shut up.

Why do you got to get to the horse head nebula, you fucking dork? You fucking loser. And that's the cadence like they take your glasses immediately after closing it. Yeah, absolutely. And I need those to see. I'm sexy Velma. My internet sucks today. We just call her Velma.

Oh, I've said her full name. Yeah. Wouldn't it be funny if every script of Soupy Doo is written out and it's like, Fred, Daphne, Scooby, sexy Velma. She's lost and needs help. I don't know if you're supposed to be eating that, Waffles. Oh, yeah, he's eating, what is that? Oh, it's like part of a bag.

He doesn't have teeth, so it's extra hard for him. Kyle stuck his hand out like Waffles was going to give it to him. I almost gave you a look like, how fucking dare you, dude? Part of the tension here is Kyle is allergic to the cat. Are you actually? I am, but you know what? Cats are cute, so. Yeah, you try to get a bag back from him, you're going to the hospital.

This is a very sharp cat. I thought he would. Will he throw up that piece of plastic on this podcast? I don't think he ate it. No, he was just fucking with it. He's cool. He's cool. He's not on camera, so we should stop talking about him.

Why did we fucking eat faster than light travel? Shut up. I wish there was more information about what they were going through that day. That's not on Quora. On Quora is just the question. Quora Plus. Quora Plus. There is Quora Plus.

Are there no Quora Plus answers on this one? Because this seems like a real bait for a scientist. This seems like they're trying to get scientists into a trap. There's no Quora Plus answers on this one. Oh, so this is just really proletarian science right now. Okay. The third way, people's science. The cat is really finding all kinds of things.

You know what? I'm not going to let you in the Pelican case anymore if you keep doing this. All right, we can't talk about that. All right, I'm going to go fix it. But yeah, read some comments. Chris Harrington says, without faster-than-light travel,

it will take several lifetimes to reach another habitable planet. Lifetimes, plural in italics. People would have to be born, live, and then die on spacecraft flying to a place they'll never see. That would suck. Right now, everyone alive

and everyone who ever lived is on Earth. All known life in the entire universe is here. if the earth was wiped out by an asteroid next week that's it goodbye life we need to send to some life goodbye life the first goodbye life that's the new children's book goodbye hello moon goodbye life goodbye life the moon is sad today i am imagining like gen z writing children's books and they're all just that video of what you're doing in this situation where the moon hits the earth you know what i'm talking about yeah yeah yeah but what what are you doing in that situation by the way um the joke is vote right that's what everyone says yeah that's a good one or

something like i'm calling my ex i died i die in this situation i've always maintained that the the number one best part about living in new york city is that if like nukes ever hit the united states i'm out yeah i don't even know i never find out i think it's that there's a bodega on every corner that's number two there's eight million stories out there and they're naked that's number three it goes if a duke ever hits the united states i die before i find out then the bodega then eight million stories oh and you can you don't have to drink and drive all the time sure i think that's number one for not true for all people yeah i mean you can if you want to as we were discussing it's one of the stories kyle what's your favorite part of living in new

york city oh probably has to be you know walking and talking to strangers oh yeah just give a new friend yeah getting health insurance all the beautiful every corner someone's offering you health insurance or a green piece yeah one or the other can i talk to you about health insurance yes damn you have to get married to get health insurance right you can't get girlfriend health you can get your own healthy you can't be like we're knocking oh you can get domestic partnership that's what we did but they charge you for it oh yeah you have to pay more money you formalize that with the catholic church that's right it's kind of sliding back into this conversation you can't get into heaven with a domestic partnership they won't let that one no you don't get the plus one

even you don't get a plus one anyway you get the plus one if you're married it's a good thing it's the alternate worlds episode because maybe in some kind of sick world there's a plus one system in heaven and also you can go off to a different galaxy i couldn't name a second cow i had horsehead nebula and that was it uh andromeda we're trying to get to alpha centauri oh that's the nearest that's the nearest star system outside of the sun it's so weird there's so much space that's like oh space is empty but then there's like actual empty space

so they're like we don't even fucking know what's going on who cares the part that we think is nothing is actually a bubble anyway

you gotta go really fast yeah space is crazy anyway that's it for that question because otherwise people will you know

have to die in a spaceship or whatever did anyone get offended by that question I'm trying to see someone says who cares

sci-fi writers and readers yeah that's true sci-fi writers oh here you go and i am a sci-fi reader science cafe says you obviously care or you wouldn't be annoying us by asking so rudely science cafe has logged on just making a statement why should any of us waste our time answering that's from richard at science cafe god damn it's science cafe fuck you you've been shot killing spree you've been killing spree welcome to science cafe

I'm using the needler. Drink some coffee or get out. It is also, I hope it's a real cafe. I bet it's a Quora space. Food, fun, and physics. Sharing coffee, information about everyday living, and interesting science. Oh, they probably hate questions like this that are like, why do we got to travel faster than life? Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Everybody grabs their bayonets. I'm assuming it's like a French Revolution style science cafe. Absolutely. Oh, it's fucking snowing out there. It's really coming down. Good thing we're having a cozy podcast inside discussing the merits of heaven. I'm two coffees deep, and I'm feeling dizzy. Kyle's question.

That may be from the cat. That may be a medical emergency. Don't worry. We're very close to a hospital. My face is feeling heavy. You're swelling up from all these chorus. This is a good one. Okay, this question is, do you think this is a good attitude to have when posting a question on Quora?

Quote, if you reply with dignity, I'll respond with class. But if you send some fire to me, I'll barbecue your ass. Oh, in an alternate world where you could post that? That's a really good way to post. First of all, don't send fire at me, for one. Well, I'll barbecue your ass. I'm coming back with the spatula. And guess what?

It's steel. So it doesn't melt in the barbecue. Bro, you ever use tongs on one of those? On a barbecue? Yeah. You ever use the meat thermometer? Oh, hell yeah, dude. On your ass.

Oh, shit. You're coming at me with fire. Ooh, it's not quite ready yet. Better put it back on the grill. The answer is yes, right? That's a good attitude. I do think that's a good attitude. Can you read that again?

Do you think this is a good attitude to have when posting a question on Quora? if you reply with dignity i'll respond with class but if you send some fire on me i'll barbecue your ass so it's a roundabout yes then yeah the answer is yes everyone thinks that is a good attitude keep it up keep it up out there you're putting out great chorus and an alternate world where you think that yes you should do it i didn't know what episode to put this on but it's been in the dark for two months and we only started doing uh themes i was like this isn't gonna fit in episode three i'm just gonna throw it in there alternate worlds really anything could happen fred healed says no you're supposed to be nice be respectful if they send fire you can ignore

download it you can go high when they go low barbecued ass does not sound appealing you have no idea how to use the internet dog hit the gun button i'm hitting the gun oh wait no that's killing spree hold on legally that is not a threat it's not it's a sound effect on YouTubeFreeSoundEffects.com Featuring Fred Shooting the question Featuring Fred I am not going to say where you live Fred

Because I don't want to get in trouble But I can see We see and we're judging We're judging Can we say where he went to high school Let's just say where he went to high school I can see where he went to college Pomona College

All it takes is one trip to Pomona To find out where little Fred lives He lives in a funny-sounding town, too. Well, we won't be discussing that. I want to say it, but I can't. For legal reasons. Okay, so there's mostly yeses and then one. One guy just says, yes, you're right, Fred.

And that's how I feel. I think the guy's right. I think that's the attitude you should have on Quora. That's the attitude we have when we ask our questions. Yeah, we barbecue their ass all the time. Oh, yeah. Smells like barbecue in here. That's right.

You are dying. Yeah. Smells like burning bread in here. It smells good. I can't feel my left side of my body. A podcast would be a very funny place to get a live stroke on, right? All right, let's move on to Quora Gone Wild. This is our animal questions.

And this is, that's right, that's the cat. Not on video. The cat is not featured on video this week. This is a question I like because it's not quite an animal question. It's not quite an alternate world question. I think it is. The question is, are goblins real? I think goblins are animals.

Maybe I'm prejudiced. Yes. Maybe I'm anti-goblin. Why would that? No, yeah. Are you saying because goblins aren't people? I think they're people. No, they're not people.

I think they're people. They're goblins. No, they talk. They're certainly not people. I don't know. You can make all kinds of defenses of goblins you want, but they are certainly not people. They're people.

They have little green eyes. They go, hey. Yeah, I don't want them to be real. They can speak. They come after your precious hobbitses. That's not a goblin. That's Smeagol. I always do think it's so weird when goblins speak.

Because you think they're animals. Because you do not respect them. I don't respect them. I think they got to go to school to get a good job. They're going to get an education. Would you have a goblin on the podcast? I would. I wouldn't because that would be like having waffles on the podcast.

Let's talk about the things we're not allowed to have on this podcast because Alex won't let me. Number one, goblin. Number two, demon. Number three, the Da Vinci twins. Wow. None of those are allowed. They're all too hot.

Their washboard abs. Do goblins often have washboard abs? I feel like they do a lot of times. They have like a sexy practical strength to them. Let's have people de-sexify goblins. What is going on with you, Alex? You're calling them animals, but you're objectifying them? I don't know.

Goblins. They're people and they're ugly. From what I've heard, they can be real pieces of shit. Maybe that's bigoted to say I was raised in a different time when Lord of the Rings came out. And everyone was on the same page anti-goblin. You're, like, watching Harry Potter when they have, like, Dobby or whatever, and you're like, good, he should be a slave. He is owned by you. He is less than.

Look, J.K. Rowling may make a lot of mistakes, but she got one thing right. She got one thing right. It's that goblins are inferior beings. This is the woke guy who's, like, anti-J.K. Rowling except for her goblin portrayal. Yes, that's exactly who it is. You know what? You're a real piece of shit, but the things you said about the bank, that was correct. they're not the jews but goblins do run the banks they're animals and they operate a bank

it's fucked up that people think it's the jews but on their own they do do that anyway i i think they're real i think they're uh i think they're underground scientifically too yeah i've i've read about them you've read about them yeah what have you read about them in a book yeah okay so you've read about them like i've read about them where they defend sauron kyle tell us tell us about the goblins well from what i've read i've read like papers online uh and a lot of the time goblins have existed with humans along with um like dinosaurs well no it was like between dinosaurs and humans oh and there were like goblin hay people like there's like okay so there's like you can't call them no that is that is our word don't make me start talking about the

geico caveman because i will which is back it is back so many people sent me this i feel like you brought it back i feel like you are the only one who's ever been talking about geico game I think I'm the number one fan of the show because I don't like it, but I have seen every episode. There must not be someone else, right? Nick Kroll has not seen every episode of the Geico Caveman show. It's just you, man. Anyway, they have a slur for cavemen on that show where they say Cro-Maga. And the other guy says, don't say that word.

And then Nick Kroll's like, it's our world. It is too hot. They were coming in too hot at the time. And then he just says it a bunch. She goes, Cro-Maga. Anyway. It's weird. Anyway, there was a style at the time in the Geico caveman universe.

It's weird that it's a car insurance company. That's the thing that I get stuck with. So, between dinosaurs and humans, there's goblins? There are goblins. And they're a big reason why, like, we have trees. Like, trees are so abundant now. Because of goblins? Yeah.

They were big. Because they were a goblin of all those seeds. Yeah, they were, like, gobbling up, pooping it out. So pretty much they were like bees or whatever. They spread seeds around. They were just little seed guys. They were taller than bees. They were taller than bees.

I'm not saying goblins are the size of bees, and I never would. Basically, you're confused by the size of these creatures. I feel like I've come off wrong in the goblin question. I'll send you some of the papers. Why don't you send me the papers? Because I haven't seen this stuff. I think they're real. I think they live under the Earth's surface,

and I think they're pieces of shit. now did you ever read a paper by uh dr big man is this another i'm not familiar with because that's the top comment on here and he apparently has a doctorate from goblins dr big man is this dr big man two goblins we are all dr big man yeah and if you come at him with fire he'll barbecue your ass goblins uh dr big man says hi i'm a goblin scholar and i think i can answer your question first off yes goblins do exist otherwise how would i have my job all jokes aside i'm glad you asked this question as goblins are played out to be nothing more than fearful mere folk stories which is uh to some extent true and this helps us in a lot of different

ways so this is a goblin scholar that's what his job is who pays for that according to dr big man Is that my taxes? My taxes are just going to Israel to pay Dr. Big Man? This is the two things? I'm a young entrepreneur. They're taking half of my gold, which I compile like a goblin. Oh, so you think the goblins are taking your gold. That's what you're saying.

You think the goblins are taking half of your gold. They take half of my gold, they give it to Israel, and they pay Dr. Big Man. You're taking the oxygen. That they planted for you. Whatever. Meanwhile, you're saying that everyone in Israel is a goblin? That is not what I'm saying. That's unrelated to the goblin thing, to be clear.

Anyway, the first being is to keep the general population from seeking these elusive creatures as the goblin population is decreasing at an astonishing rate due to climate change and deforestation. Bam, even the fucking goblins. Everybody's getting it. We're all in this together. We're all in this together. we got to have public energy we got to put up those big uh fucking solar panels yes in the sea it's got to look like evangelion around here the sea's got to be red for some reason that's good

for climate change for the guy for the goblins yes and forgot well goblins are benefiting robot and punch something it's got to be like the environment cut a sphere with a sword in all Well, honestly, the machine part of it is very carbon negative, or carbon positive, rather. It's like really bad. They plug in the walls, though. It's like operating a tank for like 20 hours, plugging in one of these things.

Yeah. Let me send you the papers before you make any decisions. All right. Do you want physical or digital? I'm going to keep reading this. I would like physical papers like it's 1974. Not very many people actually know this, but trees play a vital role in goblin life and culture,

giving them a place to hide, eat, play, and more. But with an increasing amount of roads and public infrastructure, as well as hikers and other outdoor activity seekers, these elusive wonders are being driven into smaller and smaller habitats that in the end cannot support their numbers. We're gentrifying the goblins.

Yeah, we're opening a cafe on Goblin Street. Not street, Goblin Tree. Goblin Avenue. Hey, do you like my new cafe on Goblin Tree? Secondly, goblins can be dangerous. If everyone was looking for goblins, i can guarantee you a lot of people would end up hurt however the reason why there aren't many if not zero goblin related incidents is due to the shy timid nature of the goblin my colleagues and

i would prefer to keep it that way you're pretty cool don't come looking for goblins tomorrow the less people get hurt by a dangerous species the better finally to conclude this post i would like to repeat myself one more time yes goblins are real they're hiding behind trees be careful so go to dr big man's page yeah because i want to see if he actually so his actual bio is i work as a goblin scholar so all he does is answer questions about goblins okay he's a real one actually he only has answered two questions though okay let's let's get those on the record the first one is the one we just read then he also asked a question what are your experiences with goblins and the other one he answered was where do goblins dwell instead they dwell behind behind trees and in

forests so i was wrong with the underground nature of goblins yeah well you're a uh fucking racist I'm inveterate racist and I'm not going to heaven for it Jeremy's not going to heaven I'm not going to heaven because I'm a bad man I'm someone's plus one you don't get one I'm getting pissed off

it's too early in the morning it's 11am you're going to feel so dumb when you get to heaven they're like who's your plus one you're going to be like oh no my Jewish wife and you will say it in an Italian accent and they will not let you in.

Oh, now you're double not getting in. Yeah. St. Peter's going to laugh in your face. He's going to L-Bow at me. This guy thought goblins lived underground. No, he's not only wrong about goblins, he failed to save his Jewish wife due to our famous plus one system.

So the answer is yes, we all think goblins are real. Okay, fine. I think Dr. Big Man has done enough research for the rest of us. Okay. Here's another question that's very similar. If Pokemon were real, would we even survive their attacks? Would we even survive their attacks?

No. Yeah. No. In the show, I've seen my good friend Ash Ketchum. 10-year-old boy, Ash Ketchum. Why are you friends with him? He's a very talented Pokemon battler and trainer and captor. And for some reason, he can do that all year long and never get any older.

I think he has a Peter Pan-style curse. But anyway, he has this mouse, this electric mouse that barbecues his ass as if he's posting heatagora.com and he never has to go to the hospital for it. He's like getting full fork and an electric socket burns every episode. It's a Pika. No, but it's a mouse type Pokemon. Yeah, I guess you're right. Dude, I'm going to barbecue your ass.

You're coming at me with Pikachu knowledge? I know so much about Pikachu. They resemble a rabbit. What? What's a pika? It's a type of animal. You're on Pokemon Wiki right now? No, I'm on regular Wikipedia for grown-ups.

For Jeremy, Pokemon Wikipedia is regular Wikipedia. I don't even think the more docile Pokemon would be good. If you bring your pet Jigglypuff on a plane and it starts singing. Or if it rolls out. I guess it's automated planes. but like if you consider what a dream eater is it's a horrifying reality is that dream eater yeah it does all the damage just moving super smash brothers where if they're asleep and you do the if you hit them with the bubbles that come out of you you go to sleep but it's an instant kill

that's rest no it's not rest it's dream eater jeremy it's an instant kill we're gonna get lit up in the comments for saying things like pikachu's a mouse if you go to dexter or pokedex or whatever i'm sorry i called him dexter um it says mouse type pokemon so maybe this is not my mouse type okay how many uh what's a hitmonlee how many hitmonlee kicks could you take to the Oh, Hitmonlee is just a man. Oh, this is what I was going to say. Alex, can you just read this first part real quick? Okay, rest, which is performed by pressing down B,

is a powerful smash attack. Where does it say dream eater? That's what it is. It is dream eater. Rest in the game. I'm not getting stuck on the smash part of this angle. We're going to talk about the real narrative of the alternate world of Pokemon.

It doesn't matter what the move is called. We're all talking about having your dream eaten, Which is a fate worse than death And all I'm saying is in real life If a dog uses bite on you You have to have it killed by the state So that's like one of the normal type attacks That's not even like a flamethrower

If a Charmander uses flamethrower You definitely gotta kill it They gotta kill that Charmander too It's not safe to have in a domestic setting I had to put down my Charmander In New York City You cannot be using flamethrower on anything As they're, like, putting the needle in its arm.

Its little arm. You made it sad, but it is with a needle. If you put them in the ball forever, does that count as a kill? No, they're just hanging out in there. They get a couch? I think they're sleeping. They're resting. They're resting.

I always imagine a couch. Maybe. Never know. Anyway, if they were real, we would not survive their attacks, even. I hate this. The first answer is a fucking AI bot. Oh, you can skip that fucker. Yeah, what the hell?

That fucker's going to hell. Let's skip to Addy, who says, first of all, if Pokemons were real and they were here, the Earth would be destroyed in seconds, and not because of Pokemon, but just because there's one single Pokemon, Magcargo. Magcargo? This slimy fire snail has a surface temperature of about 18,000 degrees Fahrenheit. That's too hot. How hot is that?

The temperature at the surface of our sun is only 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. Whoa, Magcargo! This fire snail has a surface temperature hotter than the surface of the sun. We would be burned to death before we even realized that Pokemons exist. So Magcargo kills us all instantly. Yeah. So that kind of implies that it's a much hotter planet, isn't it? Yeah.

It's hotter than a star. That more seems like a, I don't know, math error the Magcargo designers did than a real fact. No, I think that's a real fact. It's a cracked fact. No, it's not. It's a Patax fact. I just wanted to say it. Attacked fact.

It's not a cracked fact. Yeah! Mag Cargo. What does Mag Cargo sound like? Mag Cargo. Mag Cargo. Mag Cargo. Mag Cargo.

But in the game, it sounds like this. That looks pretty good. This snail's too hot. Yeah, it's a sexy snail in the script. Get it out. It's kind of similar to Velma in that way. Bro, you cannot get me thinking about Velma right now. Not a podcast.

Ooh, this snail dropped his glasses. It makes all the other Pokemon turn into the cartoon wolf. Charles, are you tongue out? Everyone says yes. Oh, another person says Magcargo because of the surface of the sun. I guess it's important to know that the snail is hotter than the surface of the sun. And that's from Spencer. Spencer Goss.

Spreading the PokeGoss. That's right. Oh, there's an Alakazam. Yeah, it would be a terrifying world if Pokemon were real. It would be very scary. We would be their servants. They would conquer us, I think, pretty quickly. Yeah, we have none of the skills.

Short of inventing a magical ball, we would have nothing until then. They're like, oh, Alakazam has an IQ of 5,000, but we just control him? That's a great point. Alakazams would catch people. They'd be like, this Pokemon sucks. This Pokemon, Alex. he's coming at you bro don't look at me like that alakazam would not be hosting a podcast i'll tell you that much oh alakazam podcast you know what i went to go do an impression of it

but it's just alakazam voice he would say stuff like who are your guys in subtitles under the alakazam yeah you'd say what's your body count you want to head on to the quiz course yes this our politics segment throw that national anthem on there this is the quiz course we talk about politics on this show the issues of the day because we're a leftist podcast for men which is the most lucrative type of podcast there are no sacred cows here sign up for our patreon please on account of our politics we're not doing well okay um this question is why wasn't al gore arrested and sentenced to capital punishment for challenges to the election in florida in 2000 All right, I'm going to let Kyle tackle this one.

Hmm. Well, I've read papers about this one. It was during your Goblin study? Wait, is Al Gore a Goblin? Well, he was involved with a lot of Goblin. He took a lot of the, so. This episode's going to get us in trouble. Well, the thing is, Al Gore cares a lot about climate change.

Climate change directly affects the Goblin community. Yes, so I think he was just a big Goblin head. It was about the trees And I think Yeah he took I don't know exactly what happened The papers were kind of disorganized They were hanging chads

The papers were out of order Yeah I'll let you read it I don't really want to explain it Al Gore kind of the Lorax of our world A little bit He's pretty much a Tyler the Creator figure How much he's a god damn goblin he's also banned in the uk yeah he's not i didn't know that yeah al gore okay yeah that's a joke

he knows that he's banned in the uk they're telling too many truths about killing your therapist too inconvenient That got me for some reason Has there been an Al Gore biopic yet? He's not dead enough And he keeps being in charge of things And not doing that good of a job That's true

That's an inspired film He's in a lot of South Park episodes He's in a lot of very mean South Park episodes South Park episodes that are very unfair Very cruel to Mr. Al Not so nice to Mr. Al Gore They say he's after a man bear pig But he's not

He's after a real thing that's affecting gablets This is uh yeah Liberal Trump These are my pronouns They told me not to wear the pink hat They call it a pussy hat Got little ears like a little pussy cat Now you're just doing hat of elector

I'm the president Meow meow this sucks man this is nothing why wasn't al gore arrested for his crimes we're getting papers on it what do the comments say he followed the laws when the supreme court had a ruling he accepted it he respected the rule of law thank you for doing that or they tried and he had like poison ivy powers like all the trees wrapped around And then he leaned in for a kiss with the Supreme Court. Just like rubber lips.

Yeah, exactly. And the lipstick on them, they fell in love, and that's why it happened. That's why it happened. This is my impression of Al Gore. Seize them. He's talking to vines and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's talking to the trees. He can do that. He's Al Gore. I like this guy's answer. Tell me you have no concept how to follow a conversation without telling me you have no concept how to follow a conversation. Oh, he hit him with the meme format. He got barbecued. Oh, my God.

Dude, they did come at him with fire, though. When you post something like this, this is coming at you with fire. Scott Johnson got your ass. Scott Johnson. Scott Johnson. uh richard copper says did he cry about it like your whiny orange god no three years later was he still crying no maybe he stopped drawing parallels to two absolutely different things did al gore concede yes maybe he stopped smoking faux news oh my god he should have challenged it

more i think this is woke trump this is the character we were famously doing just a moment ago yeah is richard copper his real name is richard copper but he goes by woke trump that's got to be taken on twitter right my phone is recording this so i can't check go ahead and get woke trump in the search bar look up x.com check if my washed social media for millennials has woke trump on it woke trump put that in the search bar there's woke trump girl oh well that's kind of like if woke trump was a girl i don't see anyone doing woke trump undo my buttons babe i'm the pussycat dolls it's me and a bunch of liberated women and president together

anyway it looks like it's open fellas open season on which one he's gonna be woke trump i'm recording right now i can't set up woke trump right now so like an 80s cartoon cat not my snaggle puss ass oh that's the coffee maker saying it's done being hot ignore that um okay let's let's move on let's move on i'm sorry i said that stuff I'm sorry for the whole episode, by the way. This is our next segment, The Quoker. Oh, which one? I got it.

I got it. This is the Incel and Manosphere segment. These are questions for Lonely Men. This is a song Alex wrote. It's called The Naruto Theme. It's kind of about lonely men and powers they could have if they were going to become the most powerful ninja. Oh, this is such a fucking cool question.

See ya! This is one of my favorite questions we've ever done. Really? Would the Joker spare someone if they made him laugh? Oh. So the Joker has like a YouTube style rule. Okay, that's pretty good. You can hang.

The Joker's like going to kill you. You're one of the guys now. You're like, I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it. And the Joker's just like, all right, you're good. Oh my God. oh so it's not like a about like a laughing it's like a oh i appreciate yeah he did that's good he's been doing comedy so long that he doesn't really laugh at jokes anymore he just goes like

that's funny structurally it's perfect that's exactly what he does you must have taken a class at nyu yeah the joker uh did uh one of the comedy classes at the comedy cellar yeah caroline or the original guys. The Joker's one of the original guys for sure. He's signed the table. He's signed the table at the Comedy Cellar. We all have. But everybody who's listening knows to just check the table at the Comedy Cellar. It's got names on there.

Jeremy, Alex, Kyle. Household names. Dave Attell, Eugene Merman. Eugene Merman's like one of the big cellar guys. He goes to the Comedy Cellar and he reads an email. He says, invite them down into the cellar where I do

my race stuff. that's so not funny to anybody wouldn't it be funny if eugene merman was like on the epstein logs he's kind of you know like he's not a big name he reads a complaint that he read on yelp about little saint james island for 20 minutes it's just with all these 15 year old girls being like delta airlines is not getting back to me i love eugene merman he's the man we've invited him on the show on Facebook many times. He has not accepted our request. Eugene, come on the show. Eugene, this is your chance.

We'll come to Cape Cod and record with you. This is the one everyone's mad at us about. Thank you for watching. Oh, anyway, back to the Joker. He, he's, he, I don't think he spares anybody, honestly, all joking aside, honestly, being for real for once. I think he just, uh, he,

you're never safe when you're with the Joker. He's an abuser. Really? And he's an abuser and he's a narcissist. Wow. Or he's changed a little. Maybe it's like a ploy. Or he's changed Do you hear what you're saying? I don't know Kyle just started dating the Joker

No, he's different The Joker's actually really sexy and beautiful And people don't see him without his glasses What year did you meet him? I just know him Okay I just, I grew up with the guy I've only read about the reverse

He's a Boston guy Yeah, yeah He started out in Boston He is also at the Cellar He used to open for Dane Cook He's friends with Gary Goldman That was one of the lower eras of the Joker, was Act Out's Joker. Yeah.

You ever dial a phone? You want to know how I got these scars? It was a little something like this. I drop kicked the bat. Kapow! Dane Cook's big thing was doing a drop kick for a while. It was pretty dangerous if you think about it. He was a beast on the mic.

People don't know When he came to New York Alright I can't I don't think the Joker Would kill Dane Cook That's the last thing I'll say But he would kill anybody else And that's the bottom line

Yeah The Stone Cold said so Unless you take his comedy class That's right Uh huh honey It's $500 Which is cheap That's a good price

Pretty good So for the Joker That's a good price Yeah I'm on the Arkham House team You had to do so many classes together i do improv at arkham that's a cult no it's actually normal it's a hospital so many of my teachers at arkham asylum by the way have turned out to be villains

every every suggestion you get from the crowd just like the bat it's all everyone who watches is a thug it's all like a dock worker like a riddler thug a goon the teachers at Arkham Asylum we got the Riddler we got the Croc we got TJ Miller can you guys do an impression yeah do the bag

pow boom oh man alright well Mark Kelly says I can think of only one case where that happened it was an anthology novel published after the 1989 Batman movie called The Further Adventures of the Joker.

Joker threatens a comedy contest, so Batman joins as a contestant, parentheses, oi, with predictable difficulties. The Joker figures this out and takes the entire theater hostage on the final night of the contest. The Joker believes Batman has no sense of humor

and will expose himself. Surprisingly, every contestant succeeds in making the Joker laugh, so he decides to just kill them all. Batman succeeds in making the Joker laugh again, and the Joker simply releases everybody. Crazy story. The Batman has never said anything funny

in his fucking life. no he's so he's so woke he's so washed he thinks everything is so serious all the time his first album was good his first out but it was funny he's putting the reps in yeah and you don't do that after you get the record no he's been coasting on looks for a while too i think he's kind of the 80s jessel nick also i don't know if people know this his dad is thomas wayne That makes so much sense Is that who Batman is That makes a lot of sense

That's going in a lot of the holes for me Where does he get all this freaking cash Yeah he's a Nepo baby He's a Batman Also he's the knight He's also the knight he trained with Rajagul Second city

Rajagul Yeah, Rajagul. He ran Second City Chicago. You have to be the Batman at the top of your intelligence. Batman was on Torco. Okay. Who were your guys, Batman? Oh, starting out, Rajagul.

His earlier stuff. Bane. Selina Kyle. Anyway. Superman, depending. We've been recording one hour, and we have four questions left. Do a good one. All right.

Let's see. Let's go to Quaranting. Okay, Quaranting. That's enough. This is the parenting segment. That's enough. Can two atheists create a Christian baby? Oh.

No. The answer is no. No, they can't. They cannot. Okay, so the baby is not going to have time to become Christian. By the way, this is a sick alternate world where two atheists could make a Christian baby. Right. Here's an interesting conundrum

You're two atheists, you're like how are we going to get into heaven You have the thought We have two Christian babies Each of them use their plus one If they were to die To get us in there Life hack That is how it works

Atheists even know There's even godless atheists Who conceive their baby at the Nietzsche house They go to Nietzsche's house and they conceive They make sweet love On his mustache remains is the Nietzsche house a thing

can you go to Nietzsche's house because he was like one of those living in the woods motherfuckers wasn't that a reality show Nietzsche house

12 singles oh my god acknowledging God is dead it cuts to them like doing a confession they're like I don't think God's alive

12 artistic singles not having sex with each other it's Nietzsche house um anyway everyone says no people are mad about this question they say no they say shut the fuck up absolutely zero nobody is born a Christian

this is like reading our YouTube comments yeah it really is Jeremy sucks Jeremy sucks people are not happy at me I don't like that he's Jewish also the video I didn't like yeah um I said I'd kill a baby and people were like that's illegal

you can't do that The way people react to our podcast clips like we are like the UN never fails to astound me. They're very upset. It makes me laugh. But they usually agree with me. Not to go all Ricky Gervais on you, but it makes me laugh when I'm canceled. I get a laugh out of it. I hit my dang knee.

I have a laugh. Anyway, nobody thinks this. No, people are not happy about it. no god visits his fiery wrath upon the hospital usually taking out several extra city blocks for good measure death tolls are staggering i get that's what really happened in maui we anxiously await your next thought-provoking question perhaps you might demand that atheists explain how in the absence of a creator white stays white or why male cats still only have only two testicles important and mystifying questions all that's from jack brockway jack i have no clue the fuck

you're talking about, dude. Is this right after there was a fire in Maui? I can't tell. Chinese lasers? This is like the power of a Quora user is like when you have

a really political message and I don't know what side you're on. I have no idea if this guy is bad. It says he has a PhD in physics. Yeah, from Wake Forest University.

Would you lie about something like that? I would. Yeah. It's so funny. I also have a PhD in physics. Oh, those papers you read.

Well, those were real. Those were backed up by Dr. Bigman. kyle only has a master's in god still working hard it's hard it's hard to get it and thank you for putting in the work of course um oh okay so just uh uh devil's advocate i think divine intervention you could have a christian baby like if god chooses the baby and then is jesus a christian baby yeah he's a super christian well actually he's a jewish baby right that's tricky because he has to like buy he has to believe in his brand to become a christian

baby right he's gotta invest in himself he's gotta sign up with gas digital and get a studio that's what it takes for jesus to be the christian baby it's a very inside baseball episode yeah i hate that i only know useless things yeah it really sucks for me uh okay let's do the next question okay i think we can get through all of them okay um here's a question i am seven but in a classroom with babies what should i do you gotta get out of that classroom you are in the wrong classroom beat one up to assert dominance so they know

not to fuck with you so they know you're seven yeah fight one why are they in a classroom of babies I guess like they were such a baby that the assessors the people who run the baby school were like oh this seven year old belongs here

because they're such a baby and they want bagel bites every day bagel bites They're not in the clean plate club, so we can't put them with the other seven-year-olds who are good. What an exclusive club that is. Honestly, that's one of the few clubs that will have me as a member, and so I'm so proud to be there. You're not in the Pen15 club? No, I'm only in the clean plate club.

You want me to write on your arm? You know what the thing about the Pen15 club is? Anytime I see a penis, I eat it clean off the plate. And so I get moved to the other one. You're licking it clean. I bring a plate around with me. and like if a guy flashes me on the subway i whip it out and it unfolds like like a battle fam and i put it below your penis and then i gobble it up

yum yum yum yum does not have health insurance please do not attack him i'm so sick and eating on the subway that's nasty hey that's where the gravy is gravy is a stranger's cum common blood and sometimes shit welcome to core raiders podcast um katie birkin birkin denilat says that's he's saying it correctly have them put you in diapers all day katie katie katie is that a barbecue um yeah i think that is a bar i think they're She's barbecuing their ass. Katie was replied to by Diaper Lover for Life, who said, FYI, us adults who wear diapers, we are babies.

Oh, okay. And that, of course, is from Diaper Lover for Life. I don't know what to think of that. A sissy boy diaper lover and occasionally wet the bed is his bio. So this could be a seven-year-old if you believe Diaper Lover for Life. Adult. FYI, us adults who wear diapers, we are babies. I'm saying in the question diaper, if we believe this diaper lover for life,

the seven-year-old could be in a class full of adults with diapers. Oh. So maybe he's very advanced for his age. That's scary. Doogie Howser. Call me Doogie Howser. By the way, I'm with all these diaper-wearing adults. It's such a confusing premise.

You have to believe so many things. Okay. Yeah, I don't know. It's not the right class because you're too advanced. Yeah, you shouldn't be in that class. Unless they're adults and then you're not advanced enough. Unless you like animal crackers, like baby snacks. Cheerios.

I mean, people like those, though. That's true, yeah. People like Cheerios of all ages. They're heart healthy. I don't know what I'm thinking. That bee comes around and fucks them up. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about?

Be happy, be healthy. Be happy, be healthy. Honey Nut Cheerios are such an improvement on Cheerios. You have to wonder if they were like, why didn't we just put this out? Why do we even make Cheerios? Cheerios suck, honestly. I'm going to put this on YouTube.

Alex's rant about Cheerios. Can babies have Honey Nut Cheerios? Is it one of the things like it's not safe for them to have honey in case it attracts bees and bees kill them? That might be it. I don't know either. I guess we'll never know. Elaine Meyer says you're seven years old,

but you have a six-year-old and a seven-year-old child and also claim to be a teacher. You didn't block. This generation's fucked. So they're saying that this person's a troll. Muted and blocked. Any post that starts with, I am a seven-year-old is pretty funny. Yeah, it's clearly not a real person.

Remember when they muted and blocked me? That really hurt my feelings. Yeah, people did mute and block Alex. Do you run into enough of the same people to care? Not really. No, because they muted and they blocked me. One or two people we've seen pop up. They've correctly assessed that I am a troll

and running a Quora podcast and don't really have a son in the Navy or whatever. Whatever weird shit we said. The only true question is that I'm trying to convert Jeremy to Catholicism. And I say no. And people told me to fuck off. Then I smile.

Yeah, it's true. I am in love with your smile. It lights up my life. I'm like a sexy Velma. Undo my buttons, shag. that's pussycat dolls velma that's what she's saying to shaggy we're getting a lot of pussy okay let's see let's do the last one shaggy's going down on velma oh he's plowing it out gulp

that's not a bestiality joke he's just watching he's eating the box like a snare he's not participating he's just watching he likes the gulp sandwiches while he watches ladies you know if you hook up with shag he's in the box like a scooby snack he's part of the clean plate club he brings his plate out and he puts it under the pussy i'm trying to read more of these organize get yourself elected president then institute a system of taxation what this is the seven-year-old thing yeah i'm done with this one sorry I'm done with this one. Let's do another question.

Please. My 16-year-old son dug straight down until he reached hell. He died from the heat. What do I do? It can be so hard to lose a child. This is probably true, right? Yeah. They were trying to get to China, but they only got to the middle where it's too hot.

Yeah. It's like an escargum down there. What was the Pokemon there? Escargum. Oh, yeah. Whatever it was. The snail. That was too hot.

You don't remember either. No. It was called Magcargo. Yeah, he reached a mag cargo and it was hard in the sun and he died. But anyway, that's not what happened. It's how do you deal with it. Okay, we all agree.

What happened was the 16-year-old did reach hell and then died. He died. He burned up. The question is, now what? Or maybe a big hand came and grabbed him and pulled him in. Either a master hand or a crazy hand. Or a crazy one. Isn't that a sad name for crazy hand? Crazy hand.

Well, think of something better later. um so the first thing you have to do is accept it yeah um it's not gonna get less painful but you just have to accept it tips for men tips for men the first thing you have to do if your son we're sorry about your son um i guess if you have any other kids warn them away from digging too far they can sure don't let them dig at all make this your thing Don't dig around Don't dig

Mom doesn't like it Mom doesn't like it Since we lost Derek And what's the I'm wondering if the Path Or hole was buried Like if there was filled

Right If it's still there There's just a big hole In their backyard If you fall in You do end up in hell Yeah The city's gonna be pissed

If you Now Alex you're a Catholic Yes If you dig into hell Yep And you die there Uh huh But you are a good

Christian man Where do you go? Do you shoot back up to heaven and they're like, you're stuck. I think if you're in there, you're kind of fucked after that. Even if you're married to a Catholic woman. Again, it does not matter who you're married to.

But once you're down there, it's just more convenient for everybody if you just burn for eternity and they torture you. I just don't want to deal with that. I don't want to go down there. Unless you hit a $10 minimum on your tab. Oh, yeah. At the Hell Bar.

Then you can go. Then you can go. Hell also has a bar. It's confusing. it has a bar of pain oh god we only have malort hell is like Chicago

bartender's attention they're only playing whack jams over the jukebox playing avenged sevenfold pizza's all deep dish did I talk about first of all I like deep dish pizza did I talk about how avenged sevenfold

kind of turns into a high school musical style band after a while no well it's weird because you i checked out on avenge sevenfold like 2006 i checked in like two weeks ago they got a lot of songs after that have i ever talked about the geico cave you know what that is what i sound like and that's fine and i accept it and i i'm glad i spoke my truth about it which you were once fired for i was once fired for saying that kind of stuff about avenge sevenfold Regular contributor to crack.com, Ben Sevenfold. None of the comments are fun. They're all just like, you should kill yourself.

Kill yourself, bitch. All the comments say you should follow him. You failed as a father. Admit yourself in an... Go in the pit. Go in your backyard and go in the pit. Terry Cole says, keep writing. You may finally come up with something that's actually funny.

Wow. Damn, dude. This is really harsh, this comment session. Austin, Texas barbecue. There's so many comments. They got three kinds of sauces out on your ass. they got a mustard based barbecue sauce i like one guy says martin martin says nothing you can do now yeah that is that's what we said yeah accept it yeah that's really i'm so sorry about

your son your son's gone uh okay let's do another question i'm gonna do the last question we have one more and this is quora md i'm pointing towards the stadium stands i'm gonna hit this went out of the park okay so this is can you hit the um core md button first oh yes core md is oh i haven't gotten one wrong yet strike one i haven't got one wrong yet oh fuck me killing spree i wasn't talking about doing the sound effect i was pointing them for a different thing this is core md it's your medical questions that's why the song is like a hospital song it's like when you're at the hospital. I guess specifically when you're in the elevator

going up at the hospital to the ward that you need to go to. Welcome to the doctor house. Persona 5. Speaking of doctor house. Is the life expectancy for an autistic person really 36? I'm asking because I'm 18 years old and I have autism

and I don't want to die prematurely. Okay. No, it's not. No. It's a normal amount. Who told you this? Somebody's lying to an autistic young man at the height of his powers. His whole future laid out in front of him.

He thinks he's half dead. He's going to work as an engineer for the city or something. Yeah. Or maybe just have a Tumblr page. Yeah, maybe. Either or. That is like a peak right there, too. 36.

36. Yeah, you're just getting at the top of your powers. You just got your doctorate in goblins. or maybe you've already got your doctorate but you've finished your fellowship at a goblin firm i don't know a lot about jobs does that come across on the podcast i will say this answer this question about uh autism where everyone's like let me tell you i'm autistic and i i've lived past 36 every one of these answers is like a thousand words they're all so long do you want to just pick one that's not locked there's a lot of them are locked too a lot of these are heavy

Wait a minute, Anthony Zarella, didn't we read this guy's answer once? Are we following him? Yes. Yes, okay, that's why it's showing up. I think it's putting it to the top because we're an Anthony Zarella head. He's the conservative Catholic. Oh, yeah, we want his opinion on this. He says, no worries.

Yes, the average life expectancy is 36. Wait, no, it's not. What? The crime in cities is out of control, by the way. There are two very common misunderstandings. anthony israel lives in cyberpunk 2077 both of which we do actually don't need to be concerned first of all with as with all autism stats this includes diagnosed autistics only so it definitely includes 12 year old billy who died because he never properly properly learned not to play in

the street but it might not include 93 year old doris who was always regarded as eccentric but just went out uh went about her life without ever having a label for why she never quote felt quite felt like she fit in i'm sorry i don't think it's an autism thing to learn not to play in the street I think that's a child thing in general. Anthony, what are you talking about? I guess you got to look both ways. I thought they would be really good at that. The life expectancy is not 36.

It's just not. You know when somebody watches too much Fox News, they're like, crime in the city is out of control. I feel like they're like, I'm checking the life expectancy. It's low. Tucker Carlson says, I'm going to die. The Clockwork Orange gangs are killing everyone at 25. I'm still stuck at that specific age.

36. It's a good one. i like that it implies like most people are murdered when they're 20 but a few do live to be normal like a hundred year old people um i'm just on the university of college of london and they say the life expectancy for autistic men without a learning disability is 75 okay which is a double 36 yeah and i think there's a proud around normal life expect well that's how bad things we've gotten here in america is that it's half of that yeah sadly they're all doing their collections on the precipice of a cliff um none of these seem that funny they're all just so long

they're all misinformed let's ask a question they're all agreeing about 36 time to die the number is 36 ah okay all things come to die like tears in rain like tears in the rain that's Autistic Android from Blade Runner. Yes. I think I said the line wrong. Anyway, what's the question we want to ask Cora? All things come to die like tears in the rain. What is that?

That's the line. It's something in Tears in Rain. I've seen things you wouldn't believe. Jeremy has Googled Tears in Rain monologue. As always, we will close on it. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Get the next line right. What things would I not believe?

It seems glitter off the coast of the Tannhauser Gate. I don't think that's right. It's in there. I don't think it's second. Whatever. Who cares? There's a dot, dot, dot? Yeah, whatever.

Can't even get the tears in the rain monologue right. What's the question you want to ask? This is why he's going to hell, folks. Can you die from a cat? All these moments lost in time. Can you die from a cat? Can you die from a cat? Can you die from a cat?

That's a good Quora question. You just had that one ready. You also do look a little swollen since you came in here. Oh, yeah. I'm not making it down the steps. We're going to find out this question very shortly. If you want to answer our question, please use the code word scrambled eggs. We know that you're a listener.

We know you're one of us. And that's been the show. Kyle, thank you so much for coming on and answering all these thought-provoking quoros. Where can our listeners find you at home and abroad? At home and abroad, find me in Ireland. Oh, okay. He's out there. Do you know there's less people in Ireland than in New York City?

That blew my mind I'm big on finding out populations You can listen to more episodes at Patriot.com Alex needs your money He has no health insurance I'm eating dicks in the subway The bonus episodes are fun though

So go listen to those Would we lie to you about that? I don't think so Well, let's let Kyle leave now before he dies Bye bye everybody And, hey, the camera did not overheat. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

I'm turning this off.