Quorators - Are GILFs real? w/ Josh Nasser

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: How do I get rid of ghosts at my office? What are the powers of the albino werewolves and black werewolves? Today I told my boyfriend that I might be a vampire. He said there is no way that I am. Why can't it be true? ----- Get even more Quorators @ http://patreon.com/quorators  Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show at https://www.youtube.com/@quorators  Be sure to check out Josh's album Songs About Love, which on iTunes as Bigg Chungu$

and welcome back to Corators now on cracked.com over the fact Home of the fact I'm your host, Alex, and Jeremy is your other host, and we have a very frightening guest for you. All the way from New York City, the Big Apple, we have Josh Nassar here in the studio. I'm the Grinch. I'm the scary Grinch. That's big money, Josh.

I just dawned on me also that the Grinch, it is a costume, but it is also famously tied to a different holiday. Whatever. It counts. Happy Halloween. I'm dressed up as a turkey. You're discounting how scary it would be to be turned into a turkey. It would be pretty scary.

The speed at which I dropped Dracula voice. It's cumbersome to do. Before we get into it, though, what is your costume, Alex? I'm like Hypebeast Dracula. That's right. I'm like, Dracula, but he gets big money, though. That's just like what happens when the coffin opens. And Jeremy, you're Shrek.

Yoshi. If anybody gets confused on the video and you forget what Josh's costume on, it does say the Grinch on it. Yeah, it's the Grinch. So that we just have clarity there. Do you think you'll get sued by the Grinch if I show that I'm wearing the Grinch? I don't think he's very litigious. I think he takes matters into his own hands quite often. If you don't get sued, he'll just break into your house.

He's a famously big-hearted fella. Why would he do that? That's true, that's true. He's a good guy. In a medically unsure way. So this is the Halloween episode. It's the most frightening episode. Jeremy is touching a severed head, and he's adjusting it.

Because, again, he's Yoshi. For audio listeners, we're in costumes. abstractly before if you're one of the majority of our our listeners which means that you don't see the video we're in costume we're uh we're just joking around i'm not in a costume i'm actually the grinch yeah that's true yeah that's true you make it look good now this week's gonna be a little different than normal because we normally have a fine buffet of questions of flavors of question um which i do think is big money but this week because it is halloween right now it's just kind of the um uh center of fear for the whole week yeah everything

that we're reading is about something that chills you to your bones okay and um is a specter in a way uh we do have to cover last week's question first though jeremy what it is pretty spooky the question last week we had was can you die from eating too many grapes oh shit that almost happened to you right it did yeah you ate too many grapes you had to go to the hospital what happened is i explained this last episode is that my wife went out of town for the weekend and i immediately ate so many grapes my belly hurt oh yeah you're supposed to go to the hospital when that happens though yeah i just felt sick please drink some water please don't take medicine matters into your own hands if you eat too many grapes you will die yeah find help uh did we get any answers

for this yes somebody owner at juice lovers it is unlikely that you could die from eating too many grapes grapes are a healthy food that are low in calories high in nutrients they're also antioxidants however eating too many grapes can cause some side effects such as diarrhea vomiting and abdominal pain. Buddy, do I know? Yeah, so what were you feeling? In rare cases, eating too many capes can lead to a condition called

grape poisoning. This condition is most common in children and can be fatal. This episode is called grape poisoning. Symptoms of grape poisoning include weakness, vomiting, seizures, and coma. If you think you or someone you know has grape poisoning, it is important to seek medical attention

immediately. See? See Grape poisoning Maybe you should have went to the hospital I should have I am a child Dude you're dead

We're ghosts I will say Jeremy does not usually look like Yoshi It's made beside him It's the side effect of the grapes It's so fucking hot in here Jesus Christ It's brutal It's toasty

This cape is like a winter coat I know It's worth it for all the huge laughs I'm getting But It's like the middle of December just in this section of the room. It's going to be so brutal reading all the comments. They're just like, please bring back Crack from 2010.

And we're literally sweating. Dan O'Brien does not sweat. All right, well, let's read some chords. Let's play on that Halloween button. All right, getting that up. Everybody shut up. Everybody shut up. It's harder with the gloves.

Alex is wearing gloves. I'm wearing gloves. Dracula wears gloves, and Hypebeast Dracula wears Supreme gloves. They cost $700 per glove. But I have two, because I gotta look my best. What's our first question? Today I told my boyfriend that I think I might be a vampire. He said, there is no way that I am.

Why can't it be true? Oh, okay. so this is kind of a common relationship question for a lot of vampires to have which i would know based on the kind of money i make and you are hypebeast dracula and i'm hypebeast dracula and but i'm not doing the voices too much to ask for a long podcast but at the same time why can't she be a dracula why not why can't she i think she can yeah why not yeah if you're with someone who says you're not a vampire that's negativity and you need to leave them yeah they're sucking your emotional blood i wonder why was he was she like trying to bite him yeah maybe like actually no

you're not stop stop it please leave me if you're taking it this far you're probably biting you're biting just to prove a point yeah that's true that's true oh and this too dracula doesn't have to have fangs because he can retract them a lot of people have been asking alex where his fangs are And Dracula wouldn't have things for a podcast because you can't talk for that long with them. No one will appreciate that on Apple Music. I do like the idea of, I feel like there is a genre of biting girlfriends. Oh, yeah. I feel like that's like a high school character.

We've all had one of those. Have you? Have we? No, I've had one girlfriend and I married her, as we've discussed on the show before. Thank you for clapping. he's so old but he's he's so hip i don't know if there are any answers on this question are people pro or anti her being a vampire people are saying that uh vampires don't exist that's a fucking lie that's a fucking lie and they feel okay telling it because of the way the

Your question is a bit vague. I'm going to answer, assuming you're addressing people that are real-life vampires. The simple fact is that regardless of its sanguine or psychic vampirism, whatever trait causes vampirism of any form seems to be inborn, although the reasons for it remain unknown, despite the best efforts of groups like Societatio Enterprises. Wait, what are the groups? Societatio Enterprises?

Yeah, we got Suss Enterprises on the case. I googled it. They're studying, are vampires gay at a corporate level? Yeah, I don't know. They've got an LLC, so they're as real as anything else. They want to see if vampires are real? I guess. They have a fucking website that looks like it's from 1998 or something.

Google won't let you get too close to the answers on this. No, it won't. It really won't. It doesn't know what to do. You're cornering the truth. Anyway, well, that's that. Quick answer, no. Are you room temperature?

Do you have a pulse? Does your hair ever grow? Do your fingernails or toenails grow? Do you have any irritations, bruising, acne? Because vampires heal quickly, in seconds or minutes. I feel like it is really poking a hole in my costume how hot I am from the light and the cape. And that people are starting to not believe it for just those reasons. Why can't it be true that Alex is Hypebeast Dracula?

If you don't have a boyfriend who thinks you're Hypebeast Dracula, you gotta go hit the streets. I like this answer. Sandra says, I don't know what to tell you, but my parents say that there's no such thing as vampires. Shut the fuck up. I wish that vampires existed, I believe. Shut up, Sandra.

Let me meet your parents right fucking now. Killing spree. What's your body count? Now you're just crowd work Dracula. Who is swiping? All right. Well, that's enough of that question. That's enough of that.

Not scary enough. Be gone. That's a relationship question. No, here's a Halloween question. Okay. I'm an 11-year-old Christian. I want to go trick-or-treating with my friends tomorrow on Halloween, but I don't know if God would like that.

I won't dress up as anything scary or do anything satanic. Satanic? What should I do? Oh, baby! I don't know if God would like that. I think it's inaccurate to describe God as liking things. I don't think he's, like, rating everything you do like that. Thumbs down.

I'm bored. I just got super liked by God God loves your pics God wanted you to be a Power Ranger God loves IP God's got like a few costumes That he's like those are good And the rest suck

He kind of like negs you Yeah God's negging He's big into sequels He loves creating universes That's something we know about him Yeah, he likes world building. Yeah. And devil making.

For the devil was once his most prized angel. More on that later. I don't actually know if that's going to come up. Alex Mac. Who happens to be dressed as Dracula today. But with a twist. Anyway, yeah, I think you should go out there, and that's the best way to get candy, because it's free.

And yeah You could try to go as something respectful Or even religious You could go as a priest God would love that If you were a tiny priest I've never seen that as a child's costume Before

God would be like Oh he's a priest There are so many Rules about this usually Go off Okay shorty Jordy. God just sounds like the SNL

announcer to me. You were doing Hypebeast God there for a second. That's big money. Just like an 11-year-old in a little piece of... When people go to heaven, when they die, they're just like, Bobby Boyden!

Yeah! Yeah! I assume there is a grand announcement for that. Yeah, sure. I want to make a splash. Musical guest Scissor! Let's see if there's any answers

to this. Why would God punish you for something so trivial as to celebrating Halloween? When I was young, my pretty Christian parents allowed me to participate in Halloween. My parents are so pretty. I had the same thought. My gorgeous parents said it was fine. Beautiful parents. I love to

watch them walk away to the car. Are we driving the car? Oh, here's a great one. I mean, you're already in trouble with God. You lied to create a Quora account, which clearly states you have to be 13 or over. Shut down. You're already knowingly sinning. Why not go for broke?

Yo, that's kind of sick. If you're going to go on the internet and lie, you're already going to hell. If you're going to make a Quora account in 11, why not kill? It'll be easy going door to door in a costume. I love that this person thinks that to break the Quora rules is sinning against God. That God believes

in the law of the Bible and the law of Quora. It's a user agreement or covenant. My man loves covenants, by the way. You can't get enough of those. I sleep in a coffin. Anyway,

This girl's fucked. She's going to hell. I don't know why we assumed it was a girl. Did she say something that made me think it was a girl? I also thought it was a girl, but I don't know why. Why do I think it's a girl? I just don't think boys can be Christian. Oh, that's what it is.

Judaism is a masculine trait. Boys are Jewish, girls are Christian. Why are you as a man worshiping the son of the lamb? Sheesh. I like this one. These Halloween parties tend to be scary and dangerous. I don't think it's a good idea for the child of God to frequent them.

I don't think Halloween parties are dangerous. I guess I've never been in the crypts or something. I was about to say, you don't think they're dangerous. They're filled with monsters. King Kong, Godzilla. A zombie with no conscience. You ever egg people? You guys ever do egging?

You ever egg people? Who are your favorite eggs? Joe Rogan as a 13-year-old on Halloween. You guys have an egg? Why are you not putting confetti on a house? Silly string. Doesn't seem silly to me. Seems like a big deal.

I'm Yoshi. You should be doing more tongue stuff. He doesn't really talk, does he? He kind of just gets punched in the head. He's kind of like a stand-in for a horse. Yeah, I guess it is. Piece of dinosaur. It's like if a dinosaur was a horse.

Yeah. That's a rap on Yoshi's, I called him Yogi. I got to go to bed. This guy's fucked. It's fucking over for me. We're recording this podcast, right? Yeah, okay. This would be a great conversation for no one to ever know what happened.

Just hanging out, we're friends. I brought the head. It's next to the severed leg. If you're listening, there's a severed leg. In the entire history of Halloween, going back to a thousand years, has the Christian God ever smoked children for trick-or-treating? Not one time. Has he sent monsters to rip children to shreds?

Well, he does do that. He sends terrible monsters. Yeah, I think that's true. Yeah, or he'll send an earthquake. Send an earthquake to your house. You mess with me, bro? I'll send an earthquake to your house. He loves plagues.

Yeah, he'll get a tornado to pick your mom up. Oh, yeah. He's like, dude, I heard you were jerking off. I want your house. Enjoy the tornado, asshole. You want to dress up as Winnie the Pooh? You want to leave your house as a pantsless bear? Guess what?

Your mom's killed by the wind. God, bitch. God just doing, like, yo mama jokes. Yo mama's so fat, I couldn't even tornado her. I couldn't tornado her away. And I'm God That's his big bit at the end And I'm God

He was first and he shall be last It's very religious It's all saints day I got another one for you Is it wrong to give kids who are trick or treating And not wearing costumes lower quality candy For Halloween Oh I don't think it's wrong

They tried less hard. It should be punished by the market. As a kid, you just have to start liking the bad candy, I think. You train yourself like a poison. Childhood is a real time to try all of the candies, and I'm deeply disturbed whenever you get kids who are like, I just like Kit Kat. I just like Kit Kat.

I'll trade for Kit Kat. Oh, God. Dude, I hate to tell you this. It's all the same shit. I love Kit Kats. Yeah, you can like Kit Kat. Oh, okay, you're saying just liking Kit Kat. I'm just saying you have to try.

Okay, okay, okay. All the candies. I was like, dude, am I going to have to fight you? You got to eat the candies. The episode is just called, like, Dracula fights the Grinch. And the picture is just you guys, like, fist fighting. And that would go viral. That would do better than this.

The comments are like, Crack has changed. The Grinch is so angry now. Ever since the Grinch joined Crack, he's been a different guy. I can't say shit about Kit Kat without him popping off. Oh, man, I'm sweating. I know it's toasty. Anyway, no, you don't have to give them as much. Yeah, what's a bad candy?

People hate candy corn. I love candy corn. I don't like black licorice. Oh, that's pretty nasty. It's like a very specific flavor I just don't like. I don't like Tootsie Rolls. Really? It's weird that Tootsie Rolls are a very generic candy,

but it is also just raw plastic in the form of chocolate. It is like an industrial byproduct food that we give to the young. I think that's who you keep your razor blade candies for. If they have a shitty costume, you get razors. I'm always wondering who to keep those for. I keep killing the good ones. If you've never gotten a razor blade in your candy, that's because you have good costumes.

Also, you might be a redneck. Yeah. I don't know why. If you never get razor blades in your candy, you might be a redneck. You might have a pretty good costume. You're a charmander. You look just like Squirtle. This spitting image of Squirtle.

What's the best costume you've ever seen? Ever seen? What's the best costume you've ever seen? People at Comic-Con go fucking crazy. that's adults yeah yeah they can really cheat you want a kid using adult brain power to like go to the lab about it uh i can't think of any children's costumes i was charmander as a kid i put a little flashlight in my tail oh that's really high tech thanks man do you ever do a batman no i did spider-man i yeah what i liked about the kids superhero costumes is they come

With like big fake muscles Yeah So just like Yeah no I am Spider-Man Ignore the fact That I'm three feet tall I am Jack I'm actually Jack

I can bench press Hundreds of pounds I just started doing that Too young So I didn't get longer Anyway I want candy right now I gotta get one of those things now You know how Batman

Always wants candy Batman's beating up people He's like where's my candy comes door to door just intimidating neighbors you wrong for this one batman people are people are canceling this question ask her by the way they're like a lot of people don't have the money to make costumes oh wow canceled guess what you're fucked i hope you enjoyed your hbo show while you had it you dumb bitch this question was asked by bill maher you're leaving the house with some rags put some effort into it it's very much jerry

it's jerry's i've always taken bill maher's spot and he's trying to fulfill a show tone bill maher's tough i can't do bill maher whatever just do jerry's if you're not wearing a costume fuck you poor kids can suck my dick Bill Maher bitch Yeah that's his I'm Bill Maher bitch Sometimes he makes the audience say it

The real time with Bill Maher audience I'm Bill Maher bitch Say my name New rule say my damn name Say my damn name when I come in the room Bill God damn Maher I've never seen the show I don't know what he sounds like.

My parents used to love Bill Barr's TV show. Bill, Bill, Bill. They were always saying his name. They were. All right, this is a very spooky question. And the question is, are gilfs real? No. Next question, next question.

So there are no answers on it, really, but are they real? Have you ever seen a gilf? I don't know if I have. Have you ever seen a foxy gilf? Have I seen a gilf? Don't listen to that. What are you doing right now? I was trying to find spooky music to play while we discussed gilfs.

This podcast sucks. I'm putting on Santana. Oh, black magic woman. She's got grandkids. But she's 70 years old. There's some beautiful gilfs out there. I'll tell you that. Yeah as a vampire myself

I see lots of gilfs Oh yeah you're kind of a gilf They love me when I'm young And I stay the same age They get older I stay the same age You know what I love about humans It would be funny for a vampire

To say such a thing We can all agree But all joking aside They fucked a gilf There's that, she's not, I don't love to fuck her. She's not very hot, but there's that Congresswoman who's what, like 35 and a grandma? Oh yeah, I love to fuck her. That's Bober, right?

The one who jacked off the guy during... Oh, she's a grandma? She's a grandma. Wow. She's like 35. This is me in character as Dracula, but I love to fuck her. She's 36 and she has a grandchild. No way.

Which should be illegal. I think she's a great gilf. Yeah? She's a gilf. Hey, Lord Bober, you've won our gilf of the week. Our new Halloween segment. Gilf of the week. You could jerk off Dracula at Beethoven.

Oh, is that the gilf of the week music? I'll get in there and I'll muffle around. I can play her voice. They have her voice for some reason. I'm afraid of her. I rise in favor of my amendment, which will require. What a gilf. What a gilf.

She's a born again. Let's get that on the soundboard. The fans demand Lauren Boebert saying some random shit. Look at Congresswoman. Word Boebert. Gilf of the week. This is going to be a tough segment to continue. Betty White, you are our second gilf of the week.

Imagine we do gilf of the week every week for a year. We just are on to gilf 24. and we're like, fucking Cleopatra? Did she have grandkids? I love that there's so many people and you were like, let's go really far in the past. She's still around. The Mary is, I guess, she's like a magical gilf.

Like Jesus' mother? Yeah. The virgin gilf? Well, he's also the father. Virgin gilf. That one got me big time. I'm shaking in my cape. No one answered this question.

Because people know they're real. That's it. I'm going to answer. What should I say? The streets have come to a conclusion on this one. Hell yeah, baby. Hell yeah, baby. That's fine for me to say.

My Quora account could say that. Employment. I'm going to say CEO of GILF of the Week. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, yeah. Let me get a button for that one. Hold on. It's really hard with the gloves.

The Dracula gloves don't do well with the soundboard. I'm going to be real with you real quick. Yeah, hit the left button there. Thank you, Josh. Somebody helps me for once with my gloves I wear because I'm dead. lauren bobert you're our gilf of the week all right next question what's your body count well we know it's at least one we know her son's got at least one oh i see because she's a gilf because she's a sexy gilf i see what you're saying um

what are the powers of the albino werewolves and black werewolves now i've wanted to bring this up for a while yeah you're always trying to get this one in there i know werewolves ain't They're a little bit different, aren't they? I keep insisting you have to find it on Quora first. You can't just ask it. They're a little bit. They're not like the normal werewolves. I'll buy it a werewolves transform like this.

Excuse me. Do you mind if I shave your ear? Oh, it's so dumb. Oh, my goodness. You should see him drive a car. They're wolves. when i clip these into like little clips and there's no context he puts like what are they what is this that's called a hook it's like a spooky quora podcast

as my good friend the pusher t says now that's a hook look how long this answer is this is one guy damn he got the drawings too oh maybe a good Halloween costume is just Hype Beast and it's like a half wolf. That's a pretty good idea. That's a better thought out thing than the Dracula thing. Hype Space Beast. Yeah, Hype Beast. Again, I don't know what it is

so I would have a hard time dressing up as it. Well, I guess we'll have to do that next year on account of today is Halloween. Today is Halloween. Today is Halloween. And it's so hot. Wee Bollock says albino ones can turn into ghosts and set fires in the dens of black ones. Excuse me! The black ones like to kill each other.

What the fuck? Oh, no, this is a racist. Oh, it's racist. It's actually just a racist. Oh, it's racist. Although it was kind of anti-white, too. Oh, and his picture is the black mage from Final Fantasy. This is a troublemaker.

Christian, credited minister, dad, husband, trucker. You know, honestly, I was just so in on the question that I assumed that this guy had, like, war knowledge. Yeah. And I just didn't even consider that he could just be a racist. The first sentence, I was like, oh, I didn't know that. Me, too. Me, too. I hope someone laughs at the ridiculous answer.

I gave. We're not laughing. Lee Bollick, whose name we know. Like, I'm racist. Isn't that silly? We're sending you to the people's court. He lives in Huntsville, Alabama. He studied at the University of Life. We should go to this man's house

and confront him. Let's go to Huntsville, Alabama and look around for the black mage from Final Fantasy. Lee, you're wrong about werewolves. That's what he actually looks like. Yeah, he's like two feet tall. Take that hat off. Let me see if you're just a mysterious black orb.

My ears are fucking killing me with the hat. It's rough out here, man. It's rough being Ipeace Dracula. We got two episodes to do, baby. Oh, man. One guy says, melanin content or lack thereof do not significantly impact lycanthropes, as far as I'm aware. I think fur is different than melanin. Werewolves aren't like that.

They have other tribes. Werewolves don't see color, dude. Nice try, troll. This guy has such a long answer that I probably should look into a little bit, but it's so long. He says, I don't know, albino werewolves, they have super strength and super stamina and super speed. Oh, okay. There's so many. Divine magic.

But do the other ones not? Dude, I gotta be the albino one. Then he says the black werewolves also have super strength and super stamina. so he's like they're the same but let me give you the longest way to tell you they're exactly the same denial immunity what's that denial immunity you can't accuse them of stuff you cannot say no to me yeah you can't accuse an albino werewolf of cheating on you if the black werewolf says like hey can you go to the store for me and you're like no they're like denial immunity you will going to the store you're a wolf they have anger empowerment that's pretty cool oh wow you wouldn't

like me when i'm angry okay but here you go the albino one also has anger empowerment and has uh immunity to negation and lunar manipulation these sound like the same things am i going insane they've got magic immunity and transcendent physiology Gene, contaminating immunity. All right, I can't read any more of this. Let's move on. Let's move on. They're both great wolves.

Here's a normal one. Which is the fruit that eats flesh? Oh, a lot of people have been asking this. Pear? I don't know. Fruit usually sit on the tree like that. Yeah. That's kind of it.

That's the whole thing they do. I did want to go pear, too, though. If your fruit is eating, you may have the fruit that eats up the flesh. There's like Venus fly traps. Those are like plants that eat things. Yeah, that's probably the closest. Oh, yeah, it's not really a fruit, though. No, unless it's got seeds.

All right. Man. Man is the fruit that eats flesh. The answer is man. True. What crawls on three legs in the evening and is a fruit that eats flesh? This is the only riddle, Alex, that I know, because I realize that every time a riddle comes up, one of us says it.

We got to word a second riddle. I sometimes say the doctor is a woman. That's the other one. I got two. Well, that's the ones like, all right, so the- There's a car crash. There's a car crash, and then- A man and his son are in a car accident.

The dad dies, but the son is rushed to the hospital. The doctor comes in and says, I can't operate on this boy. He's my son. How is this possible? and it's one of those crazy riddles it's one of those crazy riddles and then people don't even think oh it's a mother doctor because they're so ignorant

and they don't think women can be doctors not even Quinn the medicine woman or that it's like a gay doctor or yeah I can't operate on this son I'm a gay doctor I'm his other dad

anyway yeah those are the two we got? They come up a lot. They do come up a lot. I don't know what this fruit that eats flesh thing is. Papaya. Papaya is used as meat tenderizer as it eats the meat, making it more tender. Alright.

People working with papayas often wear gloves. What does it mean that papaya eats the meat? It eats the flesh. What does it mean, though? I saw a picture where a man got papaya under his watch strap and it didn't wash off. The skin dissolved overnight while he was sleeping.

They'd be legitimately afraid to put pie holes in. Also, this guy says pineapple is the fruit that eats the flesh. No reason. Pineapple's smiley face. You got to see there's a large picture for anybody who doesn't know what a pineapple looks like. This guy says if you keep a piece of pineapple in your mouth for some time, it started eating flesh of your mouth. As a result, you cannot eat spicy food. That's the reason it is harmful to drink pineapple juice on an empty stomach and not to eat as well.

And that has 2,000 upvotes and 100 comments. I think people were just like, no. We got to get this guy on. He's a viral star. He's making hits out here. He knows all about fruits and which ones are hazardous. Now, this guy went, fruits that are known for having flesh that is edible. Now, that's a very different question.

Who cares? It's like, mango. You could eat mango. You could also eat peach Alright I don't care about that That's not what the question was No

So this is I'll answer a different question In list form This guy says jackfruit Yeah Jack me off fruit I'm Dracula And then one person says

Venus flytrap So Not a fruit There you go That's what we said But it's not a fruit It's not a fruit I'm going to write that in there

I'm going to comment And say Wrong That's what I said But it's not a fruit We're really part of the community this week. All right, good. Send that.

Let's move on to the next one. I want to see if there's any... We're making hits today. There's a lot of answers to this one. Yeah, people... No one has a... People have all sorts of different ones, but no one... People got all kinds of fruit.

There's another picture of pineapple, in case you forgot. I think it's pineapple. It must be pineapple. Pineapple is the fruit that eats up the flesh. Do not... Watch out for pineapple, because it will eat your flesh. Keep your eye out. My son got eaten by a pineapple this week.

Oh, no. Thanks for coming on the podcast. Dude, I'm really sad. I need to do something. Way to go, Cracked, having three guys who joke around about pineapple. The fruit that killed my son. But made my cum taste better. He killed my son, but my cum tastes awesome.

Another riddle. what would a witch and her vampire boyfriend argue about oh that's big money i'm worried that we're falling into the trap of writing this person's book for them now for this i searched the word vampire boyfriend and this is the best answer that's a good one um what would they fight about yeah this is like arson scott card's other account yes we've been reading a lot of Horses have got car dancers. Not a lot of them have made the show because he's kind of very earnest on there. Yeah, not a great guy.

But anyway, they probably fight about money. Just normal stuff. I don't want you hanging around with your friend Alan. Frankenstein. Alan wants to touch you. I can see it in his eyes. This is stuff that vampires, if they're a boyfriend and they're a witch, girlfriends fight about.

I don't want you riding that broom anymore. Your witch parents aren't very nice to vampires. Yeah, that's true. Let's talk about the Frankenstein in the room. Your parents. I'm not a big fan of your mummy. That's pretty funny. If you're a vampire and you say stuff like,

I've got a mummy in law. People would love you. You're crushing at the office. We're going to redo this whole thing. We're going to lean into that angle. Good God. Now that's some good stuff. Are there any answers for this?

Probably Quora users joking around, horsing around a bit. Yeah, it feels like the setup for like a silly joke. One guy says he drank all the blood in the refrigerator. That's good. She was saving some for a potion. For a potion. That's not really something vampires do. Oh, but she makes potions.

and also rob shut up there's a lot happening alex as a vampire just can't see which is problems he's purely vampire there's a lot of information to take in at once and it gets confusing uh this guy mark says the usual what neighborhood to buy a coffin in and whether to get a cast iron or copper cauldron wait you have a usual ladies if you have a vampire boyfriend you sleep in that coffin i like this one quark steel says he cannot keep a job she desires for the kids to have better things in life you're always drunk they lack social skills i see them everywhere who is he talking about i see them everywhere vampires are real that's what he's saying

i don't know what that's a reference to i really think i don't know yeah i see them everywhere Clark says that they need to They need to go to community college If you're going to community college You might be a vampire What the heck do I gotta do To get my man to go to community college Oh I like this one

This guy's mad Joseph Felita says Witches usually work alone I guess you missed this point When looking at your cartoons Jesus Christ Don't come at him With your witch questions

Without doing the research there should there's like a subsidiary website you ask for you go on quora if you want respect from this guy um he wants heavy hitters only here's one this one guy r brack says probably her period oh you got it hey they fight about that boys boys boys boys boys it's a show for boys you know a vampire's eating a witch's period oh they can't get enough they only go down during the full moon that's that's how it goes that's how it goes i have nothing to add oh um all right well that's gotta be everything

One more I'm going to read. There's got to be everything. There's one more answer. Okay. Blood, bake, empree. Blood, bake, empree? Blood, bake, empree. Blood, bake, empree.

Blood, bake, empree. All right, moving on. Blood, bake, empree. To answer your question, blood, bake, empree. All right, this is a good question. How do I get rid of ghosts at my office? Oh, no. Spooky office.

They got to go there every day, even if it's haunted. That sucks, man. Yeah. You die, and you're still going to the freaking office. Well, what if it's a janitor? That's the same thing. They're not people. They love doing that shit.

They're just doing it for fun. This is a janitor who lived there as well. He had a complicated backstory. Let me use my fangs to poke holes in this quarrel. Okay, what if it's... He solved our spooky equation. Okay, it's somebody who is the CEO. Then it's like his little fiefdom.

So you go back there after you die to haunt it. So it's a dead CEO? It's a dead CEO. The answer is it's a dead CEO. Also, that wasn't the question. The question was, how do you get them out? Probably with a merger and acquisition. Well, we know who he is now.

We can figure out how to get rid of him. Let's see. I hope you mean ghosts as in malevolent spirits and not your malevolent boss or colleague. Jokes apart. Best way to keep negative spirits away from your office is to do one or all of the following. A lemon in your drawer. A sprinkle rose water around your space.

Carry a small idol of your god or your holy book. Carry a small idol of your god. I don't know why god is in italics. Believe in yourself before believing in anything mentioned above. Sometimes, most of the times, actually, the ghosts are in the mind. Wow. Tell yourself you look beautiful before you leave the house. You can smudge, light a lamp, use bells, wind chimes.

You can smudge. Try to get them to do some of the work. That's what I say. Give them some freaking documents. Then they'll run away. If a ghost is haunting my office, I'm leaving. Yeah, I think that's what I would do. I know money is a concern, but it's like, I hate being here already.

And now there's a malevolent spirit. That's like it for me. I don't care. I think I'm with you there. I'll go live in my car. Call her a religious priest. That would be an interesting movie is like Exorcist in an office building.

And then the whole time people are like, so when are you going to be here? Because like one to five, we have a big meeting and just like your schedule needs to be clear for our schedule to be clear. And he's just like, I have to throw blood in it.

My wife was exorcised. Ever talk about that on this podcast? What? How has it never come up? You're waiting until you're dressed up as Yoshi for an exorcism. Yeah, well, not for real, but, like, she went to a Catholic school as a kid, and they brought in some, like, speaker to talk to the class, all-girls school. And the teachers didn't know that the speaker was going to exercise the whole school, so he did, like, an exorcism to everybody.

Whoa. So everyone in that class was exercised. Thank you, Josh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, honey. But also, my question would be, what happened to exercise the whole school? Well, I don't know, man. They must have played very poorly in the basketball game.

Yeah. Isn't that right, Jeremy? That's so true. Isn't that likely the cause? All I know is every time I met someone from that school in high school, they'd be like, I was exercised, you know? And I was like, yeah, I've heard this story. I heard.

I don't care. I got exercised once. Got no demons in me anymore. I used to be a real piece of shit, but things changed after a holy man came. When I was a 14-year-old girl who called me a warrior princess or whatever. I stole things. I was just bad. I was bad as possessed by a demon.

That's how I knew I had to marry her. She was exorcised already. Didn't know how to deal with that myself. You had to take a whole element of the wedding out of it. Fellas, you got to exorcise your wife. Here's the thing. They'll run your ragged. um what was the question oh i don't remember

the answers you fucking do something with a lemon you smudge a lemon are you happy 11 and then leave honestly you're being crazy go get a life there's a ghost in my office uh here's a question when it's when it's full moon i have a strong migraine attack and i cannot work my magic practice i don't want to use chemicals my migraine medicines are strong painkillers or sleep pills that make me like a zombie but because of pain i cannot use full moon's power and i cannot feel moon's energy in my body what can i do please help until full moon goes away now we've all come across this this is when full moon is out right jeremy yeah um now this is real quick this is in forbidden knowledge i was about to say this is the one question i took

from forbidden knowledge i did look around on there they get really deep in the weeds but i want to know like so you're so into moon power sure you want to use moon power for all your spells but when it's full moon you can't handle it how about you step up become the witch you want to be and start using all that moon power i gotta be honest i read the question and i don't think i heard it i i feel the exact same i'm looking at this right now i'm like what I read it a few times, so maybe I'm cheating. But the thing is, I have a strong migraine attack, and I cannot work my magic practice. She cannot work her magic practice.

She runs a moon shop. I don't want to use migraine medicines because they make me like a zombie, but not a literal zombie. But because of pain, I cannot use full moon's power, and I cannot feel moon's energy in my body. She's basically just asking, what do I do for a migraine without medicine? That's the whole question. I'm a witch, but I hate Zans. I cannot take a head, Bill. I think it looks weird.

I get a dry throat. Alex, have you taken your hair to cover the headphones? No, I took the headphones off for a while because they hurt too bad, and now I put them back. I thought you were using your hair to make the headphones not hit your head as much. It's just so fucking hot in here. I know I'm a vampire and I'm a Dracula. I don't have a body temp or whatever, but outside of that, I'm fucking dying.

anyway yeah you gotta you gotta adapt to the moon uh if the migraine floats in the top front of your head do this run your fingers firmly around uh run your fingers firmly around where your skull and neck connect especially around the two tendons surrounding the spinal cord oh yeah witches love that part which is witches love a massage the classic spell yeah massage okay so if you're a vampire with a witch girlfriend what you can do is just kind of like rub with her skull connects to their neck i mean this guy literally just says not magic but it can work like it trust me smiley face hey i don't believe any of the shit we talk about in here but uh have you tried a massage this is the guy who's

just like hitting on witches in the forbidden knowledge section yeah there's a potion for that baby i'm a vampire by the way i gotta get in the coven i'm like a i'm like a hype beast new potion drop this guy's just smoke just like smoke weed i use marijuana It's from the earth I've got to spell that magic green Try some loud I don't know why I almost slipped into your voice

It's really getting in my head It's fun dude It is fun Almost as fun as Dracula I like that a lot I imagine witches they do like roots and stuff They might be like It's natural, baby.

Smoke a joint. A root joint. Put some keef on it. I think that's all we're going to get out of this question. Yeah, it's not very scary, but it's kind of fun to bring it down. We've got one more Halloween-themed question. Which one is this one? What are some signs of a good witch and a bad witch?

Okay, I really like this answer. Okay. So the thread is full of people being like, a good witch, you mean somebody who's not a piece of shit or whatever? But this is like somebody who is a witch from the community stepping in. Yeah. Here's what a good witch is. And, well, we probably don't have to do the whole thing, but Jeremy spit on it a little bit.

Bad witches don't show up on ritual nights when they have jobs in circle. I don't even bother to inform the high priestess and high priest. Louder for the people in the back. They don't hand in their assignments, but still whine about not getting initiated. They're conveniently absent when calls of need are issued to their communities and tend to want to be elevated for ego-based reasons instead of understanding that initiates are committed to a life of service.

Witches are always the first ones in the office in the morning, the last ones out. They have bad boundaries and shift blame instead of doing their personal work. They might even get sexually involved with their craft students, which never ends well. If they are secular witches but, quote, bad, Then maybe they don't do the above things, but they probably don't keep their sabbats and espits and only use spellcraft for angry reasons instead of using their witchy knowledge for healing. Bad witches also do operations above their skill level and get themselves into hot water by opening portals they can't shut properly, summoning beings and spirits they can't dismiss, or failing to clean up their magical detritus,

detritus which can cause bothersome spiritual infestations and attachments if it gets bad enough this is me i want to do all that stuff you know you haven't you ever sleep with a witch and find her detritus all over the room alex are you weaking what is that what are you oh yeah you got some gunk on your i got gunk on me what does that mean i got gunk on i got gunk on you i think like What's the gunk from? I think the glasses are melting. Oh, they're melting. Oh, shit.

Oh, no. Is it all over? You just got a little drop. It's like melting on your face. I don't know what to do about this. I don't know what to do about this. Folks, it's hot. It's really hot.

It's so hot. It's not just me saying it as a little joke. I'm not going to wear the glasses anymore because they're melting. Oh, my God. That's so funny. Alex has, like, white paint on his face. I know. It's, like, slowly coming down.

I was worried that I, like, somehow shot boogers out of my nose on camera in a way that would be uncuttable. And I was just like, you got to keep the boogers. You did that. I thought, like, my genuine first thought was, like, Alex is, like, an alien from Prometheus. On the other side. Did I? You didn't get it at all. This sucks for me.

My Halloween is ruined. This cannot be cut. It has to stay in. This is so important. I have to. It's already white. I don't know if I'm getting it. No, you got it.

No, you got it. You got it. You got it. I'm not putting the glasses back on. Well, they melted. I don't care if it ruins the show. I don't care how that happens. I don't care if it ruins the show.

My looks are the money maker. Oh, man. What's the fucking question? What's a good witch or a bad witch? A bad witch doesn't show up on Sabbath. Oh, man. I guess I'll read the rest of this. Now a good witch will keep their community obligations,

help others in need, and use their witchy skills to assist people who are having problems in life. They keep their vows, learn magical hygiene and practice it, and they study hard and keep their books of shadows and grimoires in logical order. Their assignments are turned into their teachers if they study in a coven, and they take their education seriously. Good witches develop skills set in multiple areas of the craft and always seek to learn more skills.

They think hard about their personal ethics and apologize when they hurt others. Good witches keep their herbs in order in dark glass bottles to keep them fresh and in usable condition. Good witches practice regularly and keep their mines, houses, and ritual shrines in good working order. So, it probably is like a real hassle when the grimoire is out of order. I'll say this. They're like really big. Hurt witches hurt witches. Oh, true.

Witches get stitches. Witches put me in stitches if they're funny. You put that detritus on my face? You used your magical incantation to put a detritus on my face? Are you guys worried that we've been laughing in the face of witchcraft for so long that Alex started bleeding white blood? Is that a possibility? That we've been hexed? My girlfriend's behind this.

She's so jealous I have a podcast. But I'm a vampire. Witch girlfriend. And that's what we call a background for my vampire hype beast character. Top comment on this. I think I may be in love with you. Thanks, Kristen. Thanks, Kristen.

For your witchy answer. Keep your grimoires in order, folks. She follows one of our... The cuckold guy follows her. Oh, I bet he does. John Smith, his account has been deactivated. That's from a different episode. Yeah.

We met a cuckold. That's cool. He was really into being cucked. Did he talk to you guys? No, but we read all his posts that were like, I mean, literally all his answers are just like, what would you do if you went to the store? And he's like, I hope my wife fucks someone else. So that's really fun.

Maybe this is his wife. I'm going to follow Kristen. Yeah, she's a cuckold witch. She's a cuckold witch? Well, I don't think the woman is the cuckold. It says that she, I love to do yoga, read, cook, and spend time with my family and Wiccan Trad Mates slash Coven Mates. So she's a Trad Wiccan.

Oh, Trad Wiccan. Is there anything better than being barefoot in the kitchen while your satanic offspring play? We must return. I'd never let another vamp fuck my witch. We're going to need one more question

and then call it an episode. This question is... How is Batman born if his parents perished? It doesn't make any sense That's how dead parents could have children. I'm always saying this. Checkmate, Batman. That's true.

Where did he come from? Yeah, who wrote this question? They got killed at the opera. Yeah, the Riddler. We could never fill in for the Riddler with the two riddles we know. No, we could not. We could not lead anyone anywhere. Batman just keeps writing.

It's his mom. I know the answer. The doctor's his mom. It's a woman again. I have to ask every woman. Why does the Riddler keep kidnapping woman doctors? Riddle me this, riddle me that. A man and his son are in a car accident.

Oh, my God. I'm bored. Batman is bored. That's pretty funny. This show sucks. Anyway, the answer. I like that this question thinks that his parents are dead before he was born. That's really it.

Yeah, I like that, too. I like that. Josh, do you like that? Yeah, guys, I like it. Thank you. Did you have a parent's day before you were born? You might be a bad man. Again, it is the Halloween episode.

I like this guy's answer. That's quite an interesting question. And you are correct. It's impossible for dead parents to have children. I honestly have no idea what the answer to this is. But maybe I'll figure it out next time on Dragon Ball Z. And then there's a big smiley face. That's fact.

I just like anyone who answers a question by being like, huh, I don't know. Good point. Even if it's not a good point. Anyway, do you want to ask a question to Quora? Oh, should we? What's a spooky one? What's a scary one? What's like a really scary one?

Like, this is going to be our best question yet. Okay. How about something about the moon? How about dating? What would happen if a Frankenstein dated a werewolf? Okay. What about this? What about what cycle of the moon is best to go out and pick up witches?

Okay. Oh, that's pretty sick. That's a great question. That's how you get a popular podcast. You ask things like that. What cycle of the moon is best to go out and pick up witches? Josh, welcome. Thank you for coming back to the show.

And also, welcome back. episode just started it's hot glasses melted onto my face what do you want to plug after Halloween that's all I'm asking which is today I got an album out called

Songs About Love it's on Spotify it's on everything are you Billy Joel? I'm Billy Joel that's why it says it on his costume so familiar um but yeah it's called songs about love it's on everything uh under my name or if you're on apple music it's unfortunately under uh big chungus i can't change the name but everywhere else it's josh nasser you must have been in early to get

big chunk well it's big chungus with two g's at the end of big and then a dollar sign write this Write this down. That's the only way to find the album. So run, don't walk to your local Virgin Records. For that one. If you'd like more episodes of our show, every Thursday we have a special bonus on patreon.com slash Quarators, and we'll do things like we'll read Reddits

or other spooky websites. Yeah. Facebook.com. X. X. X. TikTok. Yes.

big big tic tacs all right have a spooky all week yeah i'm done with this fucking cape