Quorators - Crimes and Lies w/ Ashton Womack

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: Who invented the lightbulb? Sorry you have been lied to I impregnated my employee. How do I trick her husband into signing the birth certificate? Why do some people call Trump "the Lying King? --- Be sure to find Ashton on the internet by googling Ashton Womack Get even more Quorators when you support the show @ http://patreon.com/quorators Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show @ youtube.com/@quorators

And that camera's on, and that camera's on, and is the bar in front of my face today sort of just enough, just enough to cause trouble? I see it. We did a good job this day. Ashton, like, can't get in our frame. That's right. He's trying. But I look really tiny as a result. Yes. You've been made small. That's fine.

I like how y'all set it up to make sure no one gets in your frame, and then I'm like, whoa, wait, let me check it out. coming in and immediately ruining his camera. If you're watching a podcast, you're a sicko. I don't care. It's true. I watch podcasts sometimes. I have nothing else to do with existence. Do you have the double monitor? Do I have a double? What do you mean?

You watching it like it's on TV, though? Oh, yeah. I mean, I have a triple monitor if you're doing laptop, my phone. So you can afford to watch it because you've got the other screen. Yeah, no, I'm also half paying attention to Twitter, half paying attention to A podcast on Israel.

So when people ask me if I know, I'll be like, yeah. This is an Israel podcast. But, no, yeah, yeah. I'll be half-pant. Wait, I watch podcasts. I don't want to admit it. You know what it is? At this point, I hate watch podcasts.

Everything I watch is a hate watch. It's like, shut the fuck up. You just watch Joe Rogan and let him know how you really feel. I'm like, oh, this is what an old man is. This is my dad watching Fox News Arguing back It's me watching Joe Rose You stupid son of a

I thought you looked like that I thought you looked like that Tim Dillon you needed more makeup today I get real queenie with my podcasts Take them down a level You're podcasting in that? Why don't you get some nice shoes before you discuss the economy.

Damn, yeah, no. I should make fun of their looks. I wish it wasn't as serious. I'm like, your points make no sense. Maybe less serious when I watch. Well, we will be discussing Israel's many wars today. Now dance! War Raiders!

Ooh, with the sound of the robot, you're back in the mix on Quora Raiders Podcast, America's favorite Quora-based podcast. Number one. Number one. Topping the charts of all Quora-based podcasts. We're your hosts, Alex and Jeremy, the kings of it. Woo! Yeah!

The crowd goes crazy. We had a crowd laughing button that we had to get rid of because it was too mean. It felt pretty bad. Because it felt ironic after. There was never a good time to press it. It's really just for if you make a bad joke, I guess. And then Alex is like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, my God. You don't even need that for a podcast. You just keep that around just to press that. But you know what? I found the only people in the world who would laugh at that. You're trapped in my box. That's my version of the app that lets it look like you're drinking beer. What an app.

Okay. What's my segue for this one? Okay. You love television if you're watching the show live at home on your YouTube playlist with your YouTube TV subscription. I know I am. And what is better on television than the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, which is back and exists again.

And our friend's here, and he's a writer, and he's a comedian. I've only seen him sometimes with Jon Stewart. I genuinely did not know that's where he was. I was like, yeah, I like television. I did the intro like it was going to be Jon Stewart, but it's close enough. I am Jon Stewart's black friend. Do his voice. Hey!

Boom! I don't know how to do it. There's Jon Stewart. He's like an Italian guy. I see him on Mondays. The news! Nothing with respect to John But also Ashton Womack is here

He's a thrill to have in this studio And by studio we mean my house It's a lovely studio There's plants, there's thriving animals Things are alive in this apartment I think that's a good sign We were fired from crack.com Wait, are you for real?

Oh shit Damn, I was about to say I was going to say shout out crack But they fired you, fuck them That's right. Thank you for saying that. I was like, crack this guy. I love crack.

But fuck. See, Ashton went with the slogan I wrote down. We have it in a cue card. You said it was offensive. And just to let you know, I did say it, but they bleep me because they're racist. Ashton, you're familiar with Quora, is that correct? I have used the internet before. I love all of the questions on it.

Quora is definitely one of the hardest interfaces to ever read. That's right. I use it, even though, you know, shout out, that's a testament to Cora, because I figure that shit out, even though there's a thousand words to read when trying to get my answer. That's how good it is. It is. It challenges you to use it. Cora has made me a better person. It's made me an avid reader.

If you want to find out if I should take my son's Xbox, read on. I think you're the first person to ever improve by going on Cora. Yeah, going on Cora. Like, you know, you have to keep paying attention. The answer is here somewhere. Keep reading. Keep going. Well, we're going to read you Quora's for the show,

and that's all you need to know for it. No, that sounds fantastic. That's great. I feel like I've definitely read some goofy, silly Quora answers, so I'm definitely excited to see what you guys have collected. Well, I hope you're ready for all of the very serious ones. Before we get into that, and I did not warn you about this in advance,

but we've started a new segment that's a cynical ploy to attract new listeners on YouTube. That is, of course, advice for different groups. As of this week, we're on to tips for non-binary people. Tips for them. Tips for them. And I got it on the first try, too. Can you believe that?

You can edit that. So, Asher, do you have any tips for non-binary people today? Tips for today? What's today? oh you mean during happy pride month that's right especially for pride month

tips for non-binary people don't have a conversation with my uncles that is my tips if you're ever locked in with R.D. Lomax don't

keep the comments and the conversation down to a minimum now you're gonna wanna do it he's gonna have a or anybody in the south it's not I guess this is like an offshoot just because my uncle's from the South,

but I just like was back in Austin and I'm from Texas, but I was just in Austin. I'm from Houston, Texas, but it's just, it's very funny. Cause you know, uh,

they can't producer waffles has the zoomies right now. It is getting in frame. It looks like, Oh wait, what does the cat see that? I don't ghost. He can see ghosts. Please don't mind him.

He's ruining our advice. He doesn't like that. You're talking shit about your uncle. And he's trying to distract you. He's like, Artie's a great man. Put some respect on his name. No, it's just funny to me because it only reminds me of people in the South because my uncle's from the South.

He thinks he means well. And I just remember getting picked up by an Uber driver, and he's like, hey, what's your name? And I was like, Ashton. He's like, oh, you're the second Ashton I had this week. Actually, today. I was like, you want to know what my name is? Chad with two Ds.

I was like, oh, man, it feels good to be back in the South. It's great. You guys are great. and he goes so let me ask you something uh what do you think on the border crisis i was like so basically maybe not my uncle just people in the style don't i had a similar thing recently i was in nashville and the uber driver from the airport kept being like giving me advice about the city but it was all stuff like he was like don't use the the public bathroom uh toilet paper because drug addicts put their needles in that they laced that someone who's talking about

For anyone who's watched too many right-wing, like, scary TikToks, they're like, also, don't be a woman in your parking lot alone. If you come back from the grocery store and you see there's a Snickers wrapper outside in your door handle, run. If you've been using that toilet paper, five police officers have OD'd that way. I got my asshole so high. God, that sounds, oh, my God, to be that scared. Yeah, for real. The tips for them this week is don't talk to Ashton's uncle or Uber drivers south of the Mesa Dixon. If you go probably.

That will always be my, yeah, yeah. Not just advice for today. Probably just my general advice. You can use that your whole life. Honestly, you know, or if you just go upstate New York. Once you leave the city, you don't have to wait to go to the south. You know Confederate flags in upstate New York where you're like, you know how far this is. Yeah, no, it's great.

crazy that is what blew my mind because you come here as like as a southerner coming to elite new york and i take my first trip out to upstate and it's all trees and i'm like this is great and i'm so used to like the new like you know the cynical new yorker and but you get out to like victoria new york and it's just like these people who are like you know salt of the grass they're just like wake up every morning they're working it's it's like you're like oh these are good people and they're like i just like to come look up at the stars and try to find that jewish Space League. Fuck.

Oh, you almost had me. It's crazy. They'll sneak up on you. Yeah. I know the Chinese are up there. I went to college in Binghamton, which is upstate New York, and we did stand up as like a joke in a nursing home. And I was doing like crowd work with an old woman when I was like 18.

And I was like, what is it like being in Binghamton? She was like, I remember when they would burn the crosses. And I was like, I cannot talk to you ever again. It was the scariest thing. I was like, my name is actually Jeremy Nothing. you remember what it's before TikTok you are too young

she was like 45 yeah this was the nurse talking to a Gen Z that's insane crowd work is the most dangerous game I've always said yeah no yeah it sucks because those people are always the funnest people to joke

away to and then they're like no but seriously I feel my actual personal beliefs we've had a lot of laughs here but i was not kidding about that that was very real we were all speaking from the heart right i've said everything i meant well that of course concludes our advice segment we're gonna get right into the quaras today uh before we get into our theme for the week we do end to begin the show by asking a quora to the website what did we ask last week jeremy uh we asked my boyfriend won't stop squirting what is it what should i do did we get any answers yeah we have one answer out of which hole

but you didn't say we can't tell you so this is what you need to understand is there will be no explanations for the rest of the day you're never gonna know there is one answer here from omi hassan who says your question is not clear will you please explain what you mean by squirting is it semen or urine bolts should have limited stock if it is semen then you should be happy or call some friends to share if it is urine send them to the toilet this is what we want every week and it's so rare this man lives in bangladesh um they should be a limited stock is the first answer but also uh we must say that if you are a listener of the show and you would like to answer our squirting question please remember

to use the words scrambled eggs so we won't go on your profile and find out where in bangladesh you yeah it's right so wait this was a person who submitted this question to you guys and y'all put it in we wrote this question at the end so every week we write a question to check in on next week so we wrote this question that's good but this guy who answered it is just someone who saw the question and wanted to help out his bio says he loved to speak about relationship and love yeah and that age is just a number that guy i'm sure after he read that he was like i should buy more condoms i don't know whatever that guy i'm running out of stock leaky dick syndrome i don't know that's probably a real thing actually

yes we don't want to uh disrespect leaky dick you have a leaky sufferers everyone is welcome i stand with leaky um all right so that's good that's a that's the question we're going to get back to that at the end of the show and this week we're gonna go into our theme now you're on a show that airs every day. Yes, except for Friday. Except for Friday and Saturday and Sunday, which are days of rest. But do you know what else happens every day?

Our crime and lies, which is, of course, the theme for this week. Nice. So let's start with our first segment here. These are the chorus about the supernatural and the strange. This is our segment, Forbidden Knowledge. First try.

Okay. The unknown. You should get those labeled. there's 40 sounds I can't label them they're just different colors I'm getting so defensive about the board

every week I get more defensive about it people keep yelling at you about it just label it I can't they change you don't know how many

comments we've gotten that say that and I'm not bringing the cow moo back stop asking what if you just get like a laminated thing that says

a list that says the green time Where am I going to put it? I don't know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Improve your fucking podcast. It's impossible to do.

I will never do that. That's our guarantee. I will never do it. Ashton, this week's theme is lies and crime. What's our first fora, Jeremy? What is a spiritual crime? Okay. Now, I'm familiar with a spirit detective.

Oh, yeah? Yes. Yu Yu Hakusho is a spirit detective. if he hunts ghosts and he shoots them with a gun. Is he a spirit as well or no?

He's dead, but he's not a spirit. They brought him back. Okay. Good question though. Thank you. He shoots them with a gun

that comes out of his fingers. So one crime is being a bad ghost. Okay. So that's one. I don't know all of them. Spiritual crime.

Maybe if you like possess the wrong person. I would say when you go against God's law. Sure. That's probably when it's a crime. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. What's a spirit? but that's definitely going against God's law. This is good. I'm like, you guys fucked me up. I told you they're good. You can read answers.

I'm pretty sure what Judas did. I do want to open this up to the theological scholars of Corinth. Okay, you want me to read this comment? Yeah. So here's one. Oh, shit, they've answered. Yes, there are answers here.

And the account has been deactivated, so don't go looking for them. They say cheating someone in the name of spirituality is called spiritual crime. And they have six examples. number one taking money from followers number two the gurus utilizing the devotee funds for their selfish needs number three guru preaching people without he attaining realization number

four exploiting the followers sexually number five doing all magic gimmicks and fooling the people number six taking advantage of devotees innocence and duping them financially so basically it's like five things we're like don't take money and then number four is like don't fuck people come on number five sounds like just like a hater just like it can't be all gimmicks either you gotta do some fundamentals that's after sex crimes i feel like wait what's religion that's what's confusing me i'm like what who because i feel like they're all different different religions have different codes of ethics like you can't have a haram of women right but if you're mormon you can be fucking uh run for president and have like 12 wives how many how many wives

is fucking it's like international water for a wife having over there that was his big strategy is if he could marry all americans they'd have to vote for him and he still loses yeah it'd be pretty awkward to vote against your husband for president i would think uh we're all sister wives here. I feel like if there's anybody who would want to vote against, it's my girlfriend would vote against me, I know I'd just be like, nah. Well she knows your

weaknesses. She knows the real me she's like, nah, y'all don't want this man We can't trust him with a nuclear football She's like, I've seen how autistic this man is he will, he should not be responsible for anything. Ashton shouldn't be in charge of Syria, there I said it

She's like how do you have a job, that's how she When I get to ask that every day, I'm like, okay, I probably could be president. This person is Hindu, by the way. I looked on their profile. They live in India. The things listed were pretty specific for Hindu cultists a lot of times. Like the, what's it called?

The people in wild, wild countries. You see that? No. Okay, well, it was a cult in the 90s, and they had too much sex and made too much money, and all their haters shut them down for poisoning all those people. Wow. For winning too hard. They were winning too hard.

I was rooting for them that whole time. And by that whole time, I don't mean 1997 when I didn't know about it, but in 2020 when I heard about it later. Right, the documentary on them. I was like, yes, you've got to poison them. They're in the way. Oh, they already did it? Good, good.

Perfect. I'm glad you listened to me. If it's you against rural Americans, I am fully on your side. That's a good question. But we all know the true answer to what's a spiritual crime. It is whatever goes against the will of our Lord and Savior, L. Ron Hubbard. That's right. And that is anything that goes against our higher motherboard being Xenu is basically we'll keep you here on Earth.

No, I should do work in entertainment. When did you become a Scientologist? That was a bit. That was just a bit. I'm joking around. There's no one I respect more. no i truly that was a joke my old twitter name didn't used to be l ron eisley that's so specific

uh okay well i love this i still think apple juice is the answer the answer is you gotta drink all that this guy says without realizing the ultimate truth preaching about it preaching about it the greatest crime in spiritual field we observe such intellectual spiritual preachers i think it's the apple juice thing that we said i was gonna say that as well though the thing that's in your personal world this sucks this hurts me okay here's another question also ice spices rapping sorry is this a spiritual crime so every time she says fart on a song ice spice we didn't say it come on i'm sorry i don't want to stop ice spice she's a close friend friend of the show ice spice great rapper she's gonna come on

keep farting uh we love it when you dance you've ruined our chances with her and tom cruise if anything i'll put in a word make my chair look so big okay could you this is my favorite one here's a question who invented the light bulb sorry you have been lied to i don't know but it does take two comedians to screw him in i ran that's right It took two of me to come up with that joke for a second. This Quora is a no Polish zone. I really like the sorry you have been lied to as a disclaimer at the end of a question. Is this this guy's only question ever?

His name is Ends Andy. Who invented the light bulb? Who invented the light bulb? Sorry you have been lied to. That's part of the question, to be clear. It's making me question. I'm like, was it fucking Thomas Edison or Ben Franklin? So we're supposed to think it's Thomas Edison, I think, because he's a bulb clout shark, and it's so sad.

Oh, but he's buying all the patents. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I got to have him. Oh, I got to have him. Was it Tesla, or was it some unknown? Usually, it's some unknown minority. Elon Musk has, that would be funny if it was like everyone attributes it to Nikola Tesla, and they're like, oh, you just stole it from a black guy. Tesla did alternating current.

I know that. Yeah. oh no yeah like i think the yeah nikola tesla did the how we're able to plug up uh electricity in here but the other one what's the it was acd uh direct current direct current that was invented by us that was that was edison okay and then tesla would like electrocute or um edison would like electrocute elephants with alternating current to be like see but even i heard he got that he stole that too yeah yeah that's i believe it edison and like i mean i'm literally just It feels like pop culture history that I'm regurgitating.

I'm sorry about the gotcha questions here. No, I'm remembering a book I read as a child, so it's not that different. No, I'm just remembering shit I've seen, not even YouTube videos probably, but I'm pretty sure, I think he, I'm pretty sure he took it from like. From what I understand. It was a stolen idea. I don't want to say who it was stolen from. He famously was bad.

He was a bad dude. You can say it. Elon Musk capitalist type. Yeah, he was a... He wasn't as based, though, on Twitter. He didn't have the cool memes. Yeah, but those guys, I feel like, have been around throughout history.

Yeah. Like, Ramsey's, like... I didn't mean to go that far. I'm stoned, by the way. I should say, you're going to have to catch up with these high-ass thoughts, but... Don't get me started on Ramsey's.

He'll be here all day. Speak it up. and by the way let my people go as well oh what i was gonna say is from what i understand nikola tesla and thomas edison are like the oasis brothers of their time like they're just like feuding but they make such beautiful music and by music i mean inventing the light bulb oh but oh but i've never heard i thought nikola tesla is out here really... I've heard countless

accusations for Edison being like, he's just a patent hoarder and acts like he invented it. I've never heard... Tesla, they're like, they killed that motherfucker. They did.

I mean, yeah, that's for real, but he also would... We were talking about this recently. I read a book once where he talked about how Tesla would invent things in his brain

and then be like, I don't even need to make it. Which is like, okay. That's called an idea. Yeah. I would start doing that. Just invent something. I just invented the ray gun.

Oh shit An elephant With a giraffe's head I just invented that y'all I don't want to hurt All those elephants So I won't make it for real Sorry

Come back here Come back here Fucking coil bitch Invented world peace I can't even Who is that guy Who electrocuted the elephant Edison

Thomas Edison That's what he said Thomas Edison Edison did it That's a low blow Damn How Because you gotta use

A lot of electricity Oh yeah That's a big fucking Expensive It's a waste of electricity and a waste of an elephant as far as I'm concerned. There's no part of it

you should do. A perfectly good elephant. He could help around the house. All right. Yeah, there's a lot I don't know and I would love to be educated.

So I don't know what the answers are. Oh, I forgot that was just the question. We got pretty lost in the sauce there for a minute. Yeah, well,

they're opening up at the end there of like, the truth will shock you. There's no, no one here has a real answer though. I mean,

some people, everyone's saying that Edison is attributed to the invention, but other people, it was invented by many people? Joseph Swan? Invented by many.

Which makes sense. It's electricity. It's a thing that, it's an element, like a, there's no way. There's no possible way with Earth,

the roundness, that it didn't happen by one person. Sure, like ideas maybe can come up with one person, but electricity, a thing that comes,

you can, I just have a hard time believing sorry and dinosaurs aren't real another thing i was talking about this a lot at the beach yesterday and i am not high but we've really been bamboozled about how cool dinosaurs were because more and more science comes out where it turns out they're all just big chickens i like that they all it's not cooler it's it's totally cringe there has not been one point in my life where i walk into the museum of natural history that's where like the dinosaurs that is That's where the dinosaurs are.

That's correct. That's where they live. I've seen it. That's right. I don't trust my brain right now. You're the dinosaur part of town. No, you're right. You're right.

I'm dumb. Quote me by saying, I am dumb. But every time, and I'm going to backdoor that by saying this next statement. Every time I walk in and see a dinosaur, I'll just be like, nah. Nah. Get real. Come on. Monsters, bro?

Come on. That's crazy. How dumb do you think I am? monsters and then me i just don't believe that i will say i do believe in dinosaurs but if they weren't real and i could be the guy who could like make them up and it's like i got a crazy one yeah if you could come up with jurassic park it would be really awesome i just feel like if i worked at the museum and i was like the guy who got to decide how to put together the oh yeah look at this fucking thing well t-rex's arms why were they so big and then i mean they were so big with

arms so small yeah why why did that stop there why that's like if i had one little arm it would be like that if you were a t-rex you mean if i could think of a you know what i can't disagree it's like if me jeremy's triggered but you're right that's really funny anyway it's joseph swan and hero maxim i would be so offended if somebody stole my light bulb honestly i put it oh that's who it was i put up so much work for that light bulb damn i i'm i i don't know of it but i'm sure a million people have done like a new yorker style

cartoon of someone inventing the light bulb and like a oh and there's a candle on their head or something like what are they jeremy that's funny that must be a new yorker cartoon of some sort i thought you're gonna say inventing the light bulb then like i have an idea and the light bulb pops that's what i'm saying oh yeah there you go well no that's yeah what if a dog talked to a therapist that's got to be worth something that's big money scooby what i like on here are the thomas edison defenders who are like it was thomas edison sorry sorry if you're offended how dare you wait was that a core question the dog wait what was the dog oh no no i was making fun of the new yorker

would be a pretty good question though we all admit it hey we could ask that at the end Yeah, remember the dog. You know it's going to be the therapist being like, how's life? It's rough. There you go. Sorry, we wrote it out. It's pretty bark. Woo!

Bada-bing! I'm alive for the first time. All right, let's do some parenting questions. This is our segment, Quaranting. That's enough. These are how to raise your damn kids. Ashton, you don't have any kids. Not that I claim.

If you did, would you punish them? That's a tough question. Okay. All right. Well, it's not the one we're answering. Here's a question that's a lot easier to answer. My son said he would call social services unless I raised his allowance. Should I believe him?

What? I'm with the Facebook uncles on this one. You know what? I locked him in a garage, and then I started turning my car keys on. Oh, my God. And I said, dude, how's the allowance? I allow you to breathe. My dad actually

My dad this is so funny My brother used to have asthma He would take away his asthma pump Damn That is brutal I can only imagine what you do To get the asthma pump punishment Not a lot

You know what you don't breathe today Leave the AC running Have fun choking motherfucker Leave the door open and the AC on That's you That's you cause you asked for ice cream It's like he didn't know what else to take away after the door. He was like, all right, I'm just going to up the ante on these little fucks.

I will say the speed in which I would fall in line upon having my ability to breathe removed. I'm going to start doing that to Alex when he can't find the right button to press. Yeah, Jeremy keeps karate chopping me in the throat on the broadcast. One of my sons called social service to report me for making him do household chores, which all of my sons participated in, albeit unwillingly. Who likes chores? After asking some pointed questions, the lady told him that unless he was being beaten, abused, or starved, that he shouldn't call back. LOL.

LOL. This is a post from Real History Stories is the account. That was fake? Wait, what'd she say? That was fake? No, no, no. It's a real history story. Oh, okay.

It makes me want to get my Andrew Tate bag on and tell her, oh, you don't have a maid? You need to get your money up and get a bugatti and a maid. You should never be speaking directly to your children. All I know is I personally, if I didn't have the meat out, I don't know what chores are for this kid, but if the dishes weren't done and the meat wasn't out, by the time my mom, or Deef Thawed, I got home after like 4, my mom got home at like 7, it was an ass whooping.

You had a lot of meat-based chores, you say? Well, she would cook because she'd get off at 6, get home by 7. I'd get home at 4. She wants to cook dinner. Right. But in order to cook dinner, you got to have de-thawed meat. Yeah. That's my one, you got one job.

So her, the appropriate, obviously the appropriate response to that was to assault her child. Did you ever like forget and you hear like the key turning and you're like, oh shit. Did I ever forget? Did I ever, did I see that clock and be like. What did you do to get like a fucking hair blow, a hair blower? I put it under the water. The only thing I could do, put it under the water. I did, I did multiple things.

Obviously, it was years of this, of just random microwave, hot water, accepting fate. See, it's pretty funny to beat you up for that because you already have the punishment of you also don't get to eat for two hours. It's built in. But also, I would come home and make a sandwich or a snack after school. To be fair, she would be like, I'm fucking hungry. I know you've already had second lunch. so it wouldn't be crazy to me but uh or i just eat some cereal or some shit so yeah yeah my mom got so mad when i would make her eat fourth meal

yeah okay so so far uh we're laughing at cps we think cps is useless yeah everyone's saying go ahead oh also fuck cps i just you know damn it not to be triggered but cps is an organization You know, it's like every organization. It looks to be, like, good. It's an awful, awful, damn near borderline. You know, I don't want to. They put kids with kids. Is this coming from something?

Yeah. No person looks. Not like my. He's got a feeling about it. Yeah, yeah. CPS is not a great place for kids. I believe it. So if that kid wants to.

Let that kid call CPS if he wants to. That kid's going to be like, I wish I was home. I wish. Okay, I'm sorry. I'll do that. I'll be free. you don't gotta pay me shit yeah yeah i agree um cps is not invited on this nor is the department of health even though jeremy's wife works there that's right not at cps

my wife is the woman who takes your kids by the way stop commenting that jeremy's wife works at cps she doesn't that's a lie there's a comment here that says dial the phone for him hand it to him you will enjoy the orphanage smallest victory i wasn't gonna paint it like that but son destroyed liberal son owned by conservative mom it's a hard knock life killing spree father destroys son every sound saturn consumes children uh okay and then he says my son tried it once and then i uh told child services to come and get him and he never attempted it again because i defeated him that's david leslie he is dominant over his son and is therefore the father of the weak yeah these parents are so weak as hell yeah

my mom in the like the second maybe first grade i might have been even younger might have been like kindergarten it was in lamarck texas uh yeah i was in elementary school and i was fucking up i was just in what way i was just a loud kid you get your colors wrong uh i would i don't even know i really my grades were bad and i was like a loud class child child uh and then her response to that was i grew up in a small town she took me to the local prison had me do a walk through with the cops and just just a simple walk through the jail it was a small jail it was honestly a jail like one of those like and it was like guys and there's just a guy in the drunk tank multiple dudes in there and they just like it was it was uh scary but like a personal yeah personal you want to be

loud in math they're gonna throw you in jail i remember getting in the car just fucked up just It's truly traumatizing. That's fucking crazy. The thing about jail is it's actually quite scary, I think. The guys were like, the cop was nice to my mom. He was like, well, son, let me just show you what it's going to be like. And I don't know if that's really how they, there's no way they were that crazy. But they were like, he must have been like, guys, your role today is to scare the fuck out of this little kid.

I bet that'd be fun. If you're a prisoner, it's like, this will be like a little bit different than normal. I'm doing good for that. I'm keeping kids out of it. Yeah. They're in the county improv program. Yes. That's who they got.

The prison improv troupe. They're actually preparing for their theater performance. Now, remember, heightened. He's been loud in English. I'm not exaggerating. When I saw you, they were, like, spitting from the mouth. Wow. Each side.

You're literally terrifying. I'm, like, walking. It was probably, like, a 12-foot just up and down, and I just remember walking back. I don't know my multiplication tables. I'm crazy. They should have never let me in I came out crazier than how I went

Locking in with Mad Jack I'm not locked in here with them They're locked in here They're all saying that No, you're locked in with me I break my baba My town is actually home to Rorschach There's a small town

It's just us and Rorschach It's hard being locked in there with him It's hard for me to gauge i think you should traumatize your kid by sending him to jail well i hope you've learned a lot about parenting this episode and crime and lies as well um do you want to move on to our work segment yeah just one parenting question today so these are questions about the workplace or as we call it the quirk place quora loose association with the queue. Okay, what do we got?

I impregnated my employee. How do I trick her husband into signing the birth certificate? What? High-level skills. I'm almost going to say this isn't real, but this is a thousand percent real. Has Jon Stewart done this at your job? Do not sign it, Ashton. It's not worth it.

Trick me into signing it. Yeah, we need two sketches today, and I need to sign this birth certificate. Just by five. Just by, like, rehearsals. It's just a release. You get a line on TV today.

A vial of your blood. We're going to use you for one of the sketches. It's actually really exciting. But also, this kid. Why does the sketch take place in a hospital? Why is my wife here? I have to pick a name for the sketch? Pick a name.

Trick into signing a birth certificate Is such a Mori question I hope this is real more than anything I really do First off I believe in evil people and dumb people I sure do

And I believe in dumb evil people That's some shit dumb evil people would do So this is a man named Brian Croner His name is on there? I could tell you so much about this man He lives in Irvine, California this wasn't anonymous under like historical fucking deadbeat dad 11 or some shit i like his profile his profile is kind of confusing because he's like the things brian knows about

are debt and computer science how to leave a family and small business i think this is real his bio says i'm currently taking a massive business r&d risk this is like what is it i Couldn't tell you. This is his photo. He's got a picture of himself. His photo is up. His photo is a selfie in the mirror, bathroom selfie, and he's kind of just like. Feeling cute.

Yeah, it's real. Normies or psychos? Yes, absolutely. He's asked 160 questions on here. You have to ask questions to get answers. Any man who used. I'll read some of his questions. Here's another question from Brian.

He says, what are the reasons why anyone who believes in the Holy Bible is the word of God should be automatically considered a terrorist? What are the reasons? This man is a fucking... Who is he? Here's another question from Brian. Some people think that baby-killing Democrat Wibitard should experiment with street fentanyl. What else should leftists do?

Okay, all right. It's getting... This has to be a bit... This has to be a bit for just like nobody for this own person. Here's another question. Has any Dungeons & Dragons player ever been with a woman?

Okay, low blow. Brian, this sounds like a dude, bro. I just like a I don't even know. I like women. Now what? No way. No answer on that one. No way.

That's not what should I answer it? What are you going to do? What should I answer? Ask him to come on the podcast. This is the most interesting person. He's clearly an I think you should say not sure. Yeah, that's a good answer. Not sure.

We need to change our status from CEO of Gil for the week. Yeah, so we're changing my employment to former admiral, and that way that's less suspicious. We've got to blow this podcast up, and then that way we can destroy a family. I fully agree that we should blow this podcast up. Make sure the wife and husband's listening, and that way- You're saying something we're all thinking. If you know Ice Spice- Edit out what I said.

we'll ask you better questions than this ice spice ice spice please um brian we'd love to have you on this is the most interesting man in the world someone who leave who asked if things you should take to a grave and you put your with your fate on quora quora might know quora is great quora is excellent that's a psych that's what a great resource of It's just a window into the reality of where I come from. A common American. I would like to get around to actually answering this question. Please.

What should you do? How do you trick? The way you do it is you need a reward of some kind, like a compliment sandwich. So maybe you invite him into your office, and you're like, oh, it's party sub week. And then he has part of a party sub. And then when he's in a good mood from that,

you just say, I just need everyone to sign for the party sub. Right. That's not a compliment sandwich. Surprise, it's a birth certificate. That's just a sandwich. I really stuck on the word sandwich, but I do love those. A compliment sandwich, you'd have to be like, first of all, I love your shirt today. I did fuck your wife and get her pregnant.

And I just want to say, your demeanor's terrific. That's a compliment. But you've got a great attitude. Yeah. I think you just do compliment, compliment, compliment. Dude, you're one of my, can I have your autograph? There you go. Make him feel big.

I gotta get you, I gotta tell somebody about this. No one's going to believe me that I ran into the Brandon from Quora. Oh, my God. Thank you. I'm sorry. That's, wow, what a, God, I want to meet this guy. He sounds cool. He's from California.

He's cool as all hell. And he's a father. He sounds like the biggest douche in the world. This is from one year ago, so this baby is three months old. What I like about this question is we went on his profile, and it says all stuff like, I'm a CEO. oh, I make businesses, and they fail. And then the only question is like,

I fucked an employee immediately. The government got mad at me. Also, if you play D&D, you're a nerd. And you're a Democrat, and you suck. The Democrats, they're trying to sex traffic our babies, who I will not take claim in any way. Who I will not be there to support. He's mostly a guest.

What an interesting man. There is something funny about finding out someone's politics is deep into their psychosis in any direction, even if he was like, and also Trump's an orange. It would still be funny to me. All right, I want to read these comments. The top one is from Gary Abraham. Please read them.

Who is a former clerical paramedical. He says, this is not a game of trick and treat. You both had your treat, and now you want to trick her husband? Oh, God. I love this. I love it. Fucking self-righteous nerds. I have a beaut solution for you both.

Tell her husband the bald truth. Then he may divorce himself of an untrustworthy and faithless woman, which may then leave you holding the baby. Is it the bald truth or the bold truth? Bald. It says bald. It says bald. Have I been wrong?

I couldn't tell you. Is it both of those things? I think you can do either one. Okay, okay. I think you can do bald or bold. Okay, all right. Yeah, okay. And that's a tip for people at home.

Being bold is bold. It is. Tell her the Vin Diesel style truth. I think I said that bad. I meant to say being bold is bold, but I'm high. I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Thanks, Vin Diesel. Do we have another answer on this?

That was a really good one. I don't think we're going to talk about it. Debra says, you're a real piece of work telling us you impregnated your employee and don't have the balls to admit what you have done and are looking for a way to get her husband into signing the birth certificate so that you can walk away without any responsibility for the child that you fathered. That's one sentence. I agree, Debra.

Second sentence, you are disgusting. That's it. She's just disgusting. She could have just pressed dislike, right? There's a down vote on, right? Eh, sort of. Is there a down vote on the question? How does this work?

Not really, no. There is. There's a down vote. There's no up vote, actually. There's only a down vote. That's so strange. That's actually kind of awesome. You're a real hater.

No hater shit. That's a website for haters. I never noticed that. No upvotes on our website. Only boos. We're 100 episodes in. Only dumb quaint. I learn something new every week.

That's insane. There's no... That's so funny. You are a piece of work. In conclusion. Someone says, you shouldn't try to trick anyone into anything, especially not a cuckold husband.

How dare you? Can I say something? Someone recently told me, this couple, and the girl told me that she has a cuckold fetish specifically for cucking her boyfriend. Isn't that just being a bully? That's just cheating.

Yeah, that's cheating. Are you allowed to have a fetish for cheating on your boyfriend? Yeah, I have a fetish for having sex with other men. I don't think that's allowed. No, I love that we can use language to counteract our shitty. Yes. It's actually my kink. It's my kink.

Don't kink shame me cheating on my boyfriend. You have to be there. Yeah, you don't understand. I like to gaslight my bank account by stealing from stores. That's my fetish. That's so crazy. Anyway, no one yell at me if that's a real thing. What a crime and a lie this question is.

Making my boyfriend cry is the only way I come. That's so mean. All right, let's move on. We got a bunch of good stuff here. We got some good stuff here. Which one do you want to do, CoreMD? Yeah, let's do the, this is, Ashton's going to like this one. So these are our medical questions.

We're live on CoreMD. Won't you grab a needle and put it into your computer here on QuoraMD? Here's a great question. Don't we trick our brain during masturbation? Why do these fluids come out? Or why do we feel the same feelings that we feel during sex? Aren't we manipulating our brain activity? If so, why can't we make our brain to grow another hand, maybe?

damn that's a good question actually uh brought to you by me that's about uh after we put this in because you asked it as your picture and where you were i will not be a hide behind anonymous account anymore uh this is from brian why didn't our dick grow a hand what i like about the first half of it is like yeah i guess we kind of do grow a hand? That's really crazy. I thought he was going to be like, am I gay? Am I tricking myself? Is this sleeping with another man? You're engaging in

brain manipulation. Real quick, this guy has one other question. What is a mutual fund? That probably led him to the next one. That is a finance bro-ass question. Hell yes. Oh my god. I love that a large sector of

our society is ran by people like this. I love that, yeah, you could follow the train of thought that he went through on quora every person with a dumb question is always like also i'm uh big into finance i make eight hundred thousand dollars a year can't we make a very largely successful person can we make her brain brain to grow another hand maybe that's all i'm asking if it's it's listen i don't get why if i'm tricking myself why doesn't it grow a vagina around my penis and then a legs around that and there you go body and tits and a whole why doesn't your dick grow a woman on your it's

It's a real fun question to imagine a man in a suit asking. Now, as the CEO of a pharmaceutical company, make that happen. Our company asks one question. And it's that one. It's a paragraph. Why? Why doesn't our penis grow another hand? Maybe.

And I'm telling you, I brought you here today, folks, to tell you we've solved that question. Introducing. Here at Amazon. The flesh hand. One in the hand is worth two. In the fluids. Now, how does this make money? We don't know.

Well, we are seeking two million in seed money. There is going to be some good scientific explanations on this. Why our dicks don't grow. I think it's to procreate. That's true, because it would be too easy. Probably to make us leave the cave. You got to get out of bed in the morning. People are quite upset about this.

I've never met. Okay, Vic Graham is a professional grammar editor, says, No, we are not tricking our brains. The fluids and feelings are due to natural physiological response from stimulation of our sex organs. No, we're not manipulating our brain activity. And no, we can't make our brain grow another hand. Seriously, sex and masturbation are normal, they say. It's like, all right, well, that's fine.

What are you so mad about? A supervillain who gets one of those brain impulse, like, you know how they grow their brain? Like, I use my hyperintelligence to grow another brain. You're thinking of the Incredibles guy. The Incredibles guy, but he's got that hand. That bad hand. And by the way, I've got the bad hand.

My third arm. now i can masturbate and type what's that one for executor that guy literally asked why he can't grow a third arm that is crazy it's a good question no one's ever thought of it before he's probably the first person to ever think of dudes are so fucking awesome so debbie fowler wrote around 3 000 words yeah it's a lot it does start 3 000 words it does start in bold i won't even address your make our brain to grow another hand what the fuck just be careful follow unchecked method can affect your penile and make your situation gets worse and that's just i read that perfectly all the scientists are logging on

to answer this question um just just the answer is so fucking weird this just read a little more of it in spite of my 40 years of age need to say you never get too old to learn something new i have never had the opportunity to give my wife orgasms but after having gone through that guide i succeeded in giving her three squirting orgasms in a row don't we trip our brain during masturbation no and no one knows why you would think such a thing that's insane wait what did this guy do i don't know what the fuck did he say all right i would like to break this down so he had never given his wife an orgasm information again you don't and then he read a pamphlet and then gave her three squirting orgasms in a row yes and this is a man named debbie fowler and he lives in

columbia maryland link to the pamphlet the pamphlet he did link to something we can read it check this secret tips to me that you're gonna give me a virus so fast man this is on alex's health.blogspot.com a correlate should never be clicked that's crazy last logger in bed secret tips this is alex's health.com this is not alex's health.com that's insane redirects to normal sex stuff are you out here putting out articles on how to eat pussy dog just for squirting orgasms now this isn't my computer but alex should i click to read details yes all right we're gonna see what it says i never made my wife come but thanks to 12 step guide on i wonder if you had the pamphlet out while reading there's a so if you're on the youtube i don't know if i'm gonna

be able to find this but there is a couple sitting on a bed with a husband looking very sad that just This is premature ejaculation in Olympic letters. This is a 79-page, at least, document. And the final chapter is how to ejaculate exactly when you want. What an incredible fight! The key is to yell, now! I'm almost done! The danger of kegel exercises.

The danger of kegel? Is it kegel or kegel? I forget. What is the danger? Do you want to read the pamphlet? I thought you were supposed to do them. Listening to an audio book while eating pussy is crazy. I kind of want to keep this open and read it for, I don't know, later for another episode.

I'm going to save this. Yeah, go ahead and save Alex's lifestyle. That's so fucking funny. I need to learn how to act like an Alex. A 79-page pamphlet to eat pussy is better fucked, dude. It's just each letter of the alphabet is on a different page. I'll say this. You're doing Kegels, you're doing it wrong.

Rule number four is exercise. there's like so like page 21 grades of premature ejaculation and that split up into two sections instant ejaculator and fast ejaculator oh i like to i like to think of myself as a speed operator and he's like talking about tricking up tricking your brain during masturbation don't you trick your brain during sex you're just like i'm not coming i'm not about that's right this is not happening these are the lies we so this is all from this guy debbie fowler and he has answered another question can i reduce my penis thickness and he says he says theoretically yes according to fermi

use a cheese grater light enough what who's from who is this person now see this is how you go down a core rabbit hole now i need to know who the fuck is this person whose dick thickness is a problem okay so he said be careful use unknown pills or wrong method can make your penis looks bad and hurt for a man who want to enlarge your penis naturally you should check this guide and that's another guide okay i have great results with it i measured last night i am now 1.6 inches longer and one inch thicker since starting back in the last 24 days my girlfriend was so surprised i'm surprised in 24 days what are you putting weights on that thing also this is not the question the

question isn't how to make it longer it's how to make it thinner right well but i guess you could Make it thinner and longer because you stretch it. You pull on it. Just pull on it. That's my tip is to pull on it. You grab a rope, tie it to a door, and you slam it like you're taking a tooth. Alex's health tips. Pull on it.

Hit the tips for bed. Okay. Yeah, I got it. Tips for bed. You got to pull on it. That answers that question. Do you want to do one more Quora question? Yes.

Okay, let's do it. Do you have any preference? Okay, let me check this out. Let me check this. I feel like we got to do the politics one when we got Ashton here. Oh, that's right. Because he's kind of our political correspondent.

The first one? I'm the dumbest guy on the show. Yeah, do that first one. Okay, this is the quiz course, our politics segment. Okay. The debates of our time. Who will win this game of chess?

They don't make you do the politics stuff over there? No, that's all. They're like, nah, you don't have to. No, no, I definitely do, but I'm the dumbest. I'm like, oh, guys. I give, whenever you hear like a good, solid, stupid joke. The thing about The Daily Show, they like to keep a dumb guy around.

Fair and even, Beth. Yo, but for the guys who don't get that one. They got a guy we just call Books. Writes most of the show. I write something called the squirting segment. We actually do have a guy on the show who is our go-to, just knowledgeable political guy. Really? And I literally sit on the opposite end of him.

Who's that? His name is Chodds. He's actually been there for the entire show. He's like just, he's just the guy. I can't get rid of him. Yeah, I mean, when John came back, he was like, Chodds. And Chodds, when John Stewart spoke, I'm not John Stewart, Jerry Seinfeld got booed, the speaker after him was Chodds. Wow.

But yeah, no, so I find it funny because I sit directly across from him and it's like, I'm not Chodds. I'll never be Chodds. the two heads of the table. But I'll give you what I hear them say and make it sound smart for me. Maybe this will help you. These Quora answers

your next pitch meeting. Yeah, you can use this. Because this question is, why do some people call Trump, quote, the lying king? Answer that. Riddle me that.

What dad? Is this a joke? The lying king? I keep hearing it and I've been wondering why, I guess. Because they want to see him mauled by a pack of fucking antelope. What killed Mufasa?

He fell onto those bison. Because Biden's going to let him hang off a cliff. I'm sorry. He was pushed. He was pushed onto the bison. I don't want to, you know, do Scar propaganda on this show. He was pushed. The deep state.

The Lion King. Look into MKUltra. Look into Scar. Just when you think there's someone dumber than the dick hand guy. Trump is kind of like Hamlet for kids. I think he's the king of lies. That's why they do it. He likes to lie down a lot.

He wears a crown of deceit is why. If he was in a 1990s film, it would be Liar Liar because that's for the dad who wrote that. Ironically, not lying. I can find the guy who wrote this question. His name is Peter Delaziar. Just a guy who checks in the news once a year. Wait, this is Chot. i thought i heard this before

chad gets all his political information from court he's like i'm gonna really hide mine this this guy's like fighting what are his other questions yeah okay how long ago was that question that's uh this question was asked in 2019 okay so just uh today somebody asked didn't bozo the clown obama support massive surveillance and peter said no but dozo the clown trump did oh my god dozo the clown they're both wrong uh obama definitely nsa was definitely under uh obama's administration it's just his name isn't similar to bozo and that's i'm really stuck on that yeah this guy is just like all day posting like dozens of answers where people are

like asking like aren't democrats dumb and he's like actually republicans are dumb good question no i'll actually correct you i'll have you actually you're dumb and shut up as well dozo the dozo the clown is oh my god We're such a corny country This culture This is not worth saving I'm sorry Again if you want to use that

It's yours No Donald Trump Come on the show Please I will platform him I will platform him For my own game Get him in your apartment

It's a beautiful chair He's got a list of Made of nice Blanket He goes on the chair Cats Never liked them They run around

Oh my god Waffles the cat Your brain is tricking yourself You could grow a hand maybe God damn he's so fun to just do He really is Waffles the cat always picking on Luna Little Luna

She tries to hide but he's a bigger cat The greatest couch on the greatest sofa On the greatest podcast I'd love to have him on with donald dozo we'd love to have you i'll stop calling you that anyway i want to read one of these answers okay so this is the question of course is why do some people call trump the lying king now and it's because it's a pun is the answer he wrote i'm sorry they do so because lying to the people in one's official role as president is not lying it's tyranny and treason the office

is one of public service doing what you're told for the people's benefit manipulating them from a position of designated authority is antithetical to that role if can't if it can't even really be called corruption it's more criminal it just it justifies a coup if necessary if a on man one wait i don't know that means wait did they go from like donald trump's a bad person to we need to coup him we need to kill him this was in 2019 yes this person may have killed donald trump right No, it's a Democrat advocating for a coup against Trump. I want to see what that person says. Can you believe the report?

I love. Now, this man is a top writer on Quora. He has an award on his profile that says top writer. Think about awards. And guess what his number one knows about is? Ethics. That's right. You guessed it.

We should kill and coup a sitting president. Yes. That's great. I love it. I would love to explain all of my Quora posts to the FBI. So in this one, a guy wanted to know if your brain makes a hand. If it could, I guess. Hold on.

This guy describes himself as anarcho-democratist. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Anarchist centrist. I'm a Maoist Bidenist. Home of the Democrat cookbook. libertarianism is what we're into you download the anarchist cookbook and it's just like get out there and vote

there's nothing more anarchist than voting blue no matter who why do they keep saying orange is the new black he has a PhD from Harvard University and that is the average daily show listener see you tomorrow

We'll be seeing you live on the show. See you at the show tomorrow. Can't wait for that. All right. Well, he's an active user, and so we hope to run into Bill Puka again. Be sure to follow him. I should have followed that guy, Brian. Yeah, definitely.

I'll find him. Yeah, pull Brian up. There's so many people that I'm going to follow and find out. I need to look into the lives. God, Cora is like, when I was in high school and we used to go on chat roulette just to see random people. And we had to stop because every now and then it would just be a guy jerking off. Oh, yeah. And we'd be like, okay.

And by now and then, it's like every one in three accounts. We would, at a certain point, we would just trick our friends to be like, have you seen ChatRulek? Oh, you got to go on. Oh, it was a man with a dick. I think it's just dudes with dicks now. Like, I think it's just like a masturbate hangout site now. That's so funny.

That's kind of nice that they have a community. I think it's nice. I think you should start off by, did it have like an age? I don't know. Love doesn't have an age, Ashton. Back then, it was definitely high schoolers being like, look at this. There's nothing the law can do about it because it's love. The Woody Allen defense.

Knows no age. We simply must stop at this point. Ashton, thank you so much for coming on. Working on this to find you at home and abroad. You can find me on Google's, on Quora, Ashton Womack, asking the real questions. No, anywhere. Ashton Womack. You can Google me.

I'm sure my socials will come up. The answer is Google him. Yeah, Google him. Try to Google. I did not optimize my social media accounts, and they're all different names, so just Google. I have the same problem as you. It's a system that works. And you can Google me, and it's either me or a Baltimore doctor, so, you know, we'll figure it out.

It's me or a white woman who has a lovely crafting career on YouTube. If you're listening to the podcast, guess which one it is. My crafting career is at YouTube. But no, Ashton Womack, that's all. All right. If you want more of our show every Thursday, we go on other websites. We will be reading more of Alex's sex tips

because I want to know what I wrote. And also I want to know how to leave squirting and shaking orgasms as well. God. And so that's going to be for real sex havers behind the paywall, patreon.com slash war raiders. What's going to be our question for this week? Do you want to ask a question?

Me? We don't have to. We had an idea at the beginning. it was what what if a dog goes to therapy okay that's good that's a good question that's good all right yeah they're gonna love that type that up yeah and that's it for the week folks we did it i'll see you next time bye bye thanks for having me bro appreciate it that was super fun that was super fucking fun thank y'all hooray