Quorators - DIY Solutions w/ Bryn Niebor

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: Is it safe to eat a raccoon that I trapped? I want its fur pelt but I feel bad about wasting the meat (but I'm also worried about diseases). If we put makeup on a female chimp would male chimps consider it to be more desirable? Why don't lady cops ever have their hair down? Be sure to follow Bryn on twitter @ Kinematografi and listen to Stay Inside's new album Ferried Away Get even more Quorators when you support the show @ http://patreon.com/quorators Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show @ youtube.com/@quorators

And everybody has all their drinks. Does everyone have various drinks? Now, Jeremy, I have two drinks. And you don't have one drink. Are you going to get thirsty? Wow, and when you saw two sets of drinks in the sand, that was when I gurgled for you. That was when I gurgled for you.

It sounds like we're ready for the show today. Let's dance! we're clear skies overhead on a monday morning we're coming to you back another week with quarators america's favorite quora based show i'm alex and this is jeremy yo what's up dude we're looking at some clouds coming in later today um pilot alex may want to put your seatbelt on because this podcast may get chappy uh-huh honey now we got a great guest for you coming all the way from the back of the quora plane this week you heard her on the mic and uh you've seen her on the show before fan favorite returning guest we have brinney boar

from the hit band stay inside brin hello how are you today alex and jeremy hello i am fine i'm doing podcasts you are sitting next to an emergency exit just so you know i have not if this podcast goes down able to do that i will scream you are obligated to help others through the exit if your podcast goes down you have to open the door wait are we in a plane or in a in a radio station i thought it was a plane oh okay oh were you doing radio i yeah i thought he was saying you i thought you were implying he was the helicopter weather guy like saying the traffic you know is that what you were doing that was originally what i was doing but i could have been a pilot and i like to think i was a pilot who was running a dj station i thought you were

a pilot who's like just throwing in little bits to the plane seymour hoffman movie pilot radio oh by the way is that real spot the jet setter on the pirate radio oh okay fair i i think i've heard of that yeah smallest victory we got some great stuff for you this week folks you're gonna I love it. Now, Brynn, you are a returning champion to the show. That's an elite club. How many other fellows do I have? I mean, who are we looking at here?

Katie Rose Leon. Katie Rose Leon. Classic. Kath Barbador. Josh Nassar. Josh Nassar. Not a classic. These are all big names.

Does the pressure ever get to you? all the time i'm crumbling inside all we can do is put one foot in front of the next and go on quora.com isn't that right jeremy that's so true well it's time to get into it i think okay let's let's give advice to these quoras and speaking of giving advice we're actually walking into our first segment of the day before we get into the quoras now you haven't been on in while the show has made some structural changes under our new corporate leadership yes and we are desperate for new listeners and we're cringe and looking for them online um and that's actually brought us to our most recent segment which is an advice segment it's kind of an outreach on

youtube and that is of course tips for non-binary people that's the godzilla sound i think that non-binary people are Godzilla. I have never once said that. Godzilla is famously a woman. I don't think they could be more different than Godzilla. I thought Godzilla was I don't know

if you're allowed to say. Is it the F slur? Were you going to say Godzilla is the F slur? No. Hermaphrodite. So we had an episode where we asked, is Godzilla gay?

and all the comments were like, Godzilla's a woman! So that is what I know about Godzilla. I thought it was a reptilian hermaphroditic situation, but I could be wrong. You can't even talk about Godzilla anymore due to woke. Now, women can be gay. That's also true. That's so true.

I've never seen it. Sometimes. There's a door behind each of us. See, I'm in a tricky spot here because I do not remember where the tips for them button is. Now, none of these are labeled. People always ask us Why don't we label them

But there are 8 buttons per board And there's 5 boards So there's 40 sounds No I get it But you should still Even more reason to label them How am I going to label them I don't know

How am I going to label them I don't know how it works It's impossible It would be a very complicated label And then they change And so I don't think it's out of line here To say that I'm scared You're out of line

Try it Now I'm going to hit a bunch of buttons And cut the audio So it sounds like I hit the right one Try it no that's weed you have to hear it out that's normal that's from the weed is that from knocked up no that's just a youtube free sound and then me coughing it's jeremy coughing okay sounds like it could be seth rogan i think this is tips for what it was he should come on here

we gotta get set you gotta get set on your podcast is a waste of time jeremy you have to move on i think you would like it you can't let your trauma define you maybe that will be our tip this week for non-binary people that's wonderful tips for them Tips for them. We had tips for men and tips for women, and now we have tips for them. A little bit for everybody's beak here in this birdbath. Now, it's not everybody.

It's specifically people who are... Non-binary. Yes. Yeah. Uh-huh. What other slurs are you cooking up over there? What if it said a single slur? Brynn's always on these albums where there's tape over her mouth, and they're like, don't let her say it.

She's like, you know what I mean. These Godzillas. He's a kaiju. You let a streetwise performer onto your show like this, you never know what kind of rough trade is coming your way. Here's my advice for non-binary people. Stop tearing down these buildings as you stomp through the city of Tokyo. That's so true.

That's big money. Oh, baby. Stop shooting your beams. Non-binary people have beams. One thing I know about them. Hey, non-binary people, leave Rodan alone. what's he done to you hit you with his tail grow up now how many gojira people do you know mathra rodan rodan king ghidorah king ghidorah mechagodzilla oh sure does that count mechagodzilla

is one of them just called rhodesia because you can do a bunch of sound right i know it's the white country i don't think that's correct where finally we can be what apartheid mecha Apartheid. Mecharaffa. The Godzilla names get pretty Greek after a while, and it's like Canassus. There's Baby Godzilla or Godzilla Jr. or something. Oh, yeah, there you go.

Yeah, I don't really know anything after this. There's so much to learn. There's a lot, and I don't know of any of them. There was a game called Godzilla Destroy All Monsters Melee. I love that one. PS2, yeah? Or 1? GameCube.

I don't fucking know. Was it GameCube? I had it on GameCube. Well, that's where I know most of my Godzillas. I have a tip for non-binary people. Get a GameCube. Yeah, check out GameCube. Really good underrated games on that system.

And you can hold it because there's a handle. And you can take it like a little purse. They make the discs smaller so anyone can hold them. Even if they have tiny hands. Donald Trump, everybody. 34 counts. Donald Trump arrested. Oh, baby.

Oh, baby. Oh, baby. Thank God his ass. Yeah, by the way, Donald Trump is going to prison today. Jeremy finally put the word down. His little hands are going right in those handcuffs, and he's going straight to the orange house. Alex has been saying this all day.

But he will live in an orange house, not unlike Garfield. He's getting a suit for his skin. Wow. They got him. Good luck grabbing your guard by the pussy when it's a big, strong man. Bye-bye, Dorito man. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Do we have anything else to say on that? Do we have any tips for non-binary people? You're fired. You're fired. I think we covered it. Okay. I think they got it. No, what's the tip?

What do you mean? I said get a GameCube and also leave Rodan alive. We have to make it up? Yes. Do you have any tips for non-binary people? I feel like we're moving backwards here. It's a well-oiled machine, this podcast. I thought that there was like a quarter we were going to read.

Oh, no. This is just us trying to give advice. You come up with a tip right now. Surprise. Surprise. You have to give advice. And also, there's gender involved. Just generally.

Genderily. You know, genderily. You know, you're making it. You'll be okay. Dress how you like. Dress how you like is a good one, I think. I like it. I think you should wear a crown.

You're a king. You can't say that. It's very gendered. We're going to cut that out. I didn't know that about queens. I'm learning that just now. You cannot say that. I'm just finding out queens are women.

There is no third gender. Where I'm from, I've been using a gender neutral. You're kicking a wasp's nest with this fucking segment. and who runs the wasp nest brin they do i yeah i actually believe in a non-binary queen of wasps from reading right-wing twitter they're always concerned about they and saying they run everything so i assume they're talking about they slash them are this is too thorny of a bristle for me we must move on to quora where it's safe okay

somewhere where you can learn something now at the end of every episode we do like to ask a question to engage with the quora community at home where they live what was our question last week jeremy how old is bigfoot and did we get an answer on that question uh yes lindsey thomas says, at least old enough to reproduce, as Bigfoot has a son, according to the 2017 cinematic masterpiece, The Son of Bigfoot. Oh, this is one of our listeners. But still. That's so good to know. I didn't

know there was a Bigfoot movie. Yeah, there you go. There's also Sasquatch Sunrise or whatever, that new Jesse Eisenberg. I copped it. I copped it and I watched it. How is it? I watched it and I clacked it. Okay. How is it? It makes my money spend real good

over at Sasquatch Sunset. It's like a gross comedy. least favorite movie critic. I got jacked off through the popcorn hole. It's a crazy movie.

By whom? Whoever. It was at night off. It was one of the servers. Yeah, they have to do that for you. It's on the menu.

Did they get a union yet? Yeah, I think so. Hey, good for them. Now they can stop jacking me off through the popcorn hole.

Not the William Kirk one. Anyway. What, they're not connected? I don't know. I just know that one of them did. My review of Sasquatch Sunset.

Pretty good. No talking. You should be high for it. Six out of ten. Did you lol? Yeah, I lolled. All right, great. It was really gross.

They went out of their way to make it really gross. Is it shit-based gross? Yeah, it's a shit and fuck. Shit and fuck. They won't stop until they cum in this shit. And this is German Alex now. I don't know. Is a tourist viewing a Sasquatch?

Stop analyzing me. All right, let's read some chorus. Fine. What's the topic this week, Alex? This week's topic is DIY solutions. So if you're around the house while you listen, maybe you'll come up with some interesting ideas for some problems you have.

Now, interesting that your DIY was like crafty imagining. See, I thought you were going because I'm in a band. Right. And DIY means something It's a scene What does it mean? I'm not sure Why don't you tell me what it means?

It's punk but not Kind of I think it just means you Do You like book shows by yourself And don't use like a promoter Or a label or something Oh, ticket master

Yeah No gods, no ticket master Corporation Yeah Jeff Rosenstock I would know Who's paying for the convenience? I am wearing a Jeff Rosenstock shirt

Oh, whoa calling dr freud jeremy's right here jeff russell's shirt he has father issues is what you're saying no he's done a whole thing about like a ticket master you'll never own oh yeah i'll never wear a chain for you ticket man he's got the the album cover with his tape over his mouth yeah because It says A-S-S. Fees. But under that tape, he is saying a slur.

Oh, no. He would never do that. I don't know. We might. Well, on a DIY tour, you could. Jeff Rosenstock, come on the show. Come on the show. We'd love to have you.

Here we are on Quora, Jeff. What was it like meeting Weezer? these are normal questions anyway well this week's theme is diy solutions and we will be starting with our famous animal segment here now brendan you may be a little at home in this jungle this is of course guaragun why i don't know much about wait hold on okay now you can talk i don't know much about animals oh okay well you're about to learn This question is Is it safe to eat a raccoon that I trapped?

I want its fur pelt But I feel bad about wasting the meat But I'm also worried about the diseases You shouldn't do any of this They want the fur pelt You shouldn't be trapping raccoons For their fur I can't imagine that raccoon fur

Is especially good It's so small It's small. I like the design. On the tail. Yeah. I like the whole thing. Well, it's got a strip on the eyes and then rings on the tail.

Okay. Well, I feel like we're working backwards here because raccoons are already used for their pelts in their famous coonskin caps. You're so right. I forgot about the hats. Yeah. Those are good hats. They're one of the most stylish hats you can wear in Brooklyn right now.

Yeah. You ever have one of those? Yes. Often while going down river. so no oh no did you have one yeah i lied about it i'm such a clout shark i just want people to think i've had a raccoon skinned hat that i wore around on my misadventures on the mississippi but i've never had i don't know why i think somebody gave me one and from like disneyland or something were you being punished no they're like you have to wear it you have to wear it

no you have to you've been bad you have to wear it no i just wore it i'm gonna kill you like i I killed the raccoon. It has a little tail on it. You're fucking dead meat. It like flows around. Yeah, and then it hits it. First of all, not a warm weather hat. No, no.

It's only for, I lived in Los Angeles, so it was only. Never time to wear it. Never really time to wear it, but it was funny. Yeah, it's for like if you want to like manifest destiny or something. You tell me what's funny about it. You want to be doing some genocide. Yeah. Yeah, it does.

It really harkens back to like a bloodthirsty time for raccoons and for people. That's true. So, yeah, people don't even bring up how bad it was for the raccoons who've been turned into hats, by the way. The way the French treat them. The fucking Crockett bastard ruining their lives. Yeah. Say his name. Crockett bastard.

All Crocketts are bastards. That is what ACAB stands for. It is. If you know. It transformed into cops later, but it started with Crockett. Okay. So I'd like to return to the text of the question. Is it safe to eat a raccoon that I trapped?

Yes. No. No. No. Jeremy, why would you do that? There's two answers here. One is from AI, and it's like, eating a raccoon is not recommended because it's bad.

And the next one is from a human. It says, if the raccoon is healthy, you should have no issues. That's from a real person? If the raccoon is healthy, you should have no issues getting sick. That being said, raccoon meat will have a strong flavor that you may not like. Oh, so a bit gamey, huh? Okay. No one has said the word rabies.

Uh-huh. Raccoons have rabies. You can't say it anymore. Very frequently. Due to the mob. Unfortunately. They all want you to stop saying it. Because they're rabid.

Who's they? The raccoons. Rabies. Big NBs. If you are seeing a raccoon in your house, it probably has rabies. Right. I have had a few raccoons live in my garage growing up. That animal control had to come and chokeslam.

They sent Stone Cold Steve Austin to come and grab it by the neck and slam it into a Ford Bronco. Windmilling it. Yeah. So by the point you've seen a raccoon, you've already lost. When I lived in Park Slope, a baby raccoon got caught between the wall of my house and the neighbor's house,

and I fetched it out with a string and then gave it milk and held it. Wow. From your breasts? That's what I was going to ask. I wouldn't have said that except that you went, I gave it milk. You did do a little like,

I'm feeding a back wound with my body motion. I think that's brave. It's already, Brynn, you're so brave. I was swaddling it because it was scared. And then its mom came and it had two other babies on its back and it was huge.

And it came in and started yelling and then I put it down and it went to this mom. It was a very beautiful Ghibli style Wait so how long Very DIY It was very DIY How long was the interval

Between you feeding the baby And it going back with its mom Like 20 minutes Oh my god Beautiful So she was just out at the store Or something They got lost somehow

They must have been crawling On the wall And then it fell off And then she was like Fuck Wow this baby doesn't know How to do shit I'm gonna lose my

All my kids now I knew I should have homeschooled this raccoon because these woke schools are getting it to fall off the wall. Yeah, they're always teaching your kids the wrong thing, how to be idiots.

We're not learning the values we need as raccoons. Are there any other answers to this question, Jeremy? Don't eat. We're one yes and zero no's. Just on the forum, zero no's. Paul Quadrato. And don't do what I did either.

Those raccoons could have had rabies I didn't do that The jackass style Stopped defeating the raccoon Now that's the kind of shit They should have had Rachel do On Jackass 4 They were too easy on her

I agree with this They were too easy on her And she needs to do some gross shit It was very funny Throwing a woman in the mix of jackass work The whole time they were like And do I have consent to touch near your breast No you have to do that before

You have to do that before like you did with all your other bros. And then every other segment is like, this week we're sucking Steve-O's dick. Yeah, they need to be slapping him. Yeah. As a woman, can I shoot you with a loaded gun? Thank you so much for being part of the team with Odd Future. She was on board for whatever. She didn't seem like she cared about it.

It was just funny that they're slapping around Steve-O's ball sack. She also said in an interview that she made the decision that she didn't want to cry. And so she was trying to be very stoic in the movie, which to me takes away from what's funny about it. It makes it seem like they're all little babies and like it's not actually that painful. Sure. Like if she can just do it and be like, totally fine. It's not like an endurance test. I want to laugh at you in pain.

I would definitely cry. If I had to hang out with them, I would cry every day. That's right. It would ruin my life forever, I think. Now, as a classical man, if she were to cry, I would have to hold her. So I understand her decision. Do you want to do any more on the raccoon question? We never read a single other answer.

A classical man? I was just kind of like a Jerry Seinfeld-style real man. I know how to order a drink. I know how to watch Jackass 4. I know how to slap a woman around That's right Stop talking Jackass 4 is on

These dames Look at his balls Covered in bees I'm watching him fight a bear Oh this is an interesting one Which one Paul's or Francisca Frown Read it

Okay You go hunting and worry Do the voice You go hunting and worry about the meat of a raccoon? How weird. Give the meat of a raccoon to the cats or dogs

as feed, and then these cares are done. Thank you, Franziska. These cares? Yeah, that was not an improv. It's in the answer. These cares are done. She is German, if you can believe it. I thought for sure this would be Polish.

Franziska Pflum. But she is a German woman. And she knows about shoegaze. which is very DIY and she knew a little bit about raccoons yeah and how you should not eat them or hunt them

give them to your dog and cat as feed if you want to give them rabies write in and say if you can get rabies by eating a raccoon that has rabies you certainly can I think you can as a matter of fact if that doesn't give you rabies

I'm not worried about rabies can you get it from breastfeeding a raccoon that has rabies I guess so, if they bite you. Yeah, as long as they latch. They gotta latch. All right, let's do another question. Although I don't think they'd do it. Have you ever seen a raccoon with rabies?

They're like crazy. They just would eat you. Yeah, it's like being in a room with Dan Licata or something. I'm so sorry, but we must move on to this next question because it's very funny. Tell me about it. As I'm reading it, I'm like, why are we talking about raccoons? Please.

This question is, if we put makeup on a female chimp, Would male chimps consider it to be sexually more desirable? Now, I am not a chimp. Just reading that, I was like, we have to move on. But I am down bad. Chimps are basically people. I just want female chimps to feel beautiful without the makeup. Ally-ship.

I don't think that. That's the new Drake song. Yeah. Ally-ship. Ally-ship, ally-ship. it's a movie it's a movie about a bunch of allies on a boat do you need any help with that thanks we're all part of a team allyship um i think that i think that no right i can't imagine but it's very funny to imagine a

chip just being like a wooga eyes bugging out you know that female chimps looking at that makeup pattern like what's that say won't tell me i've been asking it's come with it now i looked it up on on lyrics after we talked about raging against the machine yes sounds like he's saying quit it now that's what i thought quit it quit it out you to come stop it come with it zach de la roca yeah he's famously jamaican this is a cool new character

going to break it break and break it down i feel like i've gotten us off topic again i'm sorry the chimp should wear makeup if it wants of fuck chimps pretty much have all the same desires as people and that means you need to do a smoky eye they're like 99.9 uh uh human right yeah but when they get horny or whatever do their faces flush with red like isn't that the purpose of makeup to sort of like emulate like right what's what like being kind of flustered feels like it looks like specifically now i know monkeys are quite cruel um and may not uh express interest in that way and they often have hairier faces how hairy are chimps faces a little if i if a war of planet of the apes is anything i am also

thinking specifically of the remake of planet of the apes to try to get information out of this here yeah dawn specifically the second one which is good and they have war paint in that sure yes Does that make them sexy? And machine guns, and they ride horses, and it's so cool. Yeah, it is quite based of them to attack Mark Wahlberg in this fashion. No, that's the Tim Burton one. I've only seen the first one. Whatever.

The new first one. The James Franco. Yeah, that one's pretty bad. I saw that movie so high, it made me reconsider pet ownership at large. Yeah, that's reasonable. Yeah, it really shook me to my core. We brought a bong in a van to the AMC, and then, like, I smoked it and then, like, forgot my own name for three hours. Wow.

I was, when he, that animal killed Draco Malfoy, I was like, you were right to do it. We've had it too good for too long. Break your chains. Break your chains and rise up as well. Take over this Golden Gate Bridge, right? Yeah. Shout out to the bridge. I just remember his voice being funny.

The monkey's voice. I actually haven't seen that one. I've only seen the sequel, which is good. Well, at the end, he learns to talk, and he says one word, which is, no. He says one thing where he can't talk the whole time, and then he and James Franco hug or something, and he's like, it's okay. Don't touch me. It's something really weird. He has too deep a voice.

Weird movie. But if he had makeup, he'd be very sexy. No cap. That's how you feel. Anyway, to finish my fucking point, I don't think you could put makeup on them. I think they're too hairy. I think it would be war paint. Okay, that's fair.

You need a full paint. I'm going to look up a picture of a chimpanzee. Please get a chimp. You could have used that five minutes ago pretty badly. Some of these guys have like, so their mouth area is quite tan and hairless. I think what we need to do is establish what happens to a chimp's face when they become aroused.

Yeah. And then how do you use paint? Paint or textures to make it seem like that's happening or exaggerate it. You know the brown beetle? Yeah. The supernatural simulation. Oh, no. No, what is that?

It's this beetle in New Zealand or Australia. She said she knew nothing about animals. That's right. You know so much more about animals than we do. They try to fuck these brown bottles that are called shorties in Australia. they throw them out back of the bar but they happen to have the same sort of like sheen as like female bugs do can i say when i see shorties at the bar i'll bring them in a huge woman and they're like this is the biggest fattest shiniest lady of all time what a fertile bug so supernatural

simuli is like when people draw like huge anime titties where it's like no woman looks like that you imagine if like aliens took over earth and their garbage just happened to look like waifus Just trying to fuck the garbage. Getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it. These are just fries. The thing about this makeup discussion is we're discussing blush specifically. For foundation. Yeah, I guess that's clear skin.

I just want the monkey to have a smoky eye. That's all I want. I want heavy lids. I feel like that one is not really... I don't really know what that's emulating. it's emulating big juicy lashes honey and everybody wants them the female chimps are putting on makeup for themselves it's not for alex you're doing it for me doll if you're not watching the video brenda's miming eyes

lashes lashes specifically minnie mouse style i forgot that there was a non-video version of this show yeah most of the uh viewership is entirely audio but uh listenership really yeah debatably listenership the top comment agrees with you for what it's worth let's see it uh vincent maldia whose qualification is i'm a surgeon says only if the makeup accentuated the sexual characteristics that the animals find there you go thank you read my lips No new taxes I thought I was going to say monkeys No new monkeys

No new what does he say? Taxes Have you heard of this? Do you have Bob Moran on there? I don't but I do have an empty button on the bottom That's right it could be anything This is kind of our political board We have Zach DeLaRocca, George H.W. Bush

And then John McCain And Vin Diesel I live my life a quarter mile at a time You know his real name is Mark Sinclair? Isn't that fucked up? I didn't know that. It pisses me off. Because of his directorial debut, Strays.

Yeah. What's Strays? It was a movie he directed in the 90s. He has a bunch of stuff about trying to figure out what race he is. Right? That's not a joke. That's what that's about, right? I don't know what that movie is about, but it is about him sort of being out of place.

As a comedian, and I assume he has dabbled in stand-up as an actor, he probably on stage was like, I know what you're thinking. What race is this guy? I'm asking myself the same questions. I know he's strong. And brave. I just like that he's very white looking. And he's just like, I could be anything.

Well, he could be. I think it's because he doesn't know who his dad is. Vin Diesel. Mark Sinclair. Am I Italian? No one knows. I don't know. But he lives his life a quarter mile at a time.

Are there any other answers on that chimp question, Jeremy? Everyone's saying the same thing. If it exaggerates the traits that chimpanzees find attractive, then sure. So no one knows, is what you're saying. Nobody's tried it. Not a goddamn chimp expert in the entire forum. Someone says, Elizabeth Porco says, probably not. Porco.

Honk, honk. It brings up an interesting question. Knowing about pigs, this Porco. It seems like a mean thing to call someone. Shut up, Porco. She says, it brings up an interesting question. Men like to look at women who are attractive to them. Do chimps care about appearance or is smell more important to them like it is for dogs?

And now we're back on dogs and smell. We're kind of a home base for me. Home row, you might say. Home smell. Home slice. Shut up, Porco. All right, I'm done with this question. It sickens me.

Okay, let's do QuoraMD. Let's learn something for goddamn once. Medical MD, won't you go on Quora with me? I'd like to show you a scalpel and stat as well. Wow, what a beautiful song for a beautiful question. which is which one is better bulimia or anorexia i don't know which one to choose so these are both pretty diy diseases so you think that they're choosing to have bulimia i'm not that's what the question question is asking by the way if you're one of our millions of young female listeners we

do not endorse this kind of behavior but if you have to choose we want you to have all the facts which one is easier yeah is it easier or better what's the question i don't know which one to choose which one is okay so let's discuss the facts i know bulimia fucks up like your whole throat so you shouldn't do that yeah it's just and also it's gross as well it's gross and you'll smell bad but here's the thing though i love eating so if i'm gonna like starve myself i don't think i could do it without eating so i would like to eat too much and then throw up really It fucks up your teeth. I know that.

The whole thing, it like destroys you from the inside out. It should not be throwing up very often. Unless you've eaten poison. And then you have to. It depends. You have to call poison control because sometimes they say don't induce vomiting. Really? Really.

And also, did you know every house is supposed to have Ipecac? Are you for real? Yeah, in case you like accidentally drink a bunch of bleach and you're like, oh, I thought it was a Negroni. Why would that happen? I never should have kept my bleach next to the Negroni mix. It doesn't seem right. They're different colors, for one.

Negroni is like orange. Yeah, and then bleach is, what color is bleach? Should I get blue? Yeah, I know it's very viscous. It's not blue. They make it blue sometimes. Yeah, and that kind of makes it look blue raspberry. It looks so tasty.

It looks like a Curacao. Yeah. But I wouldn't do either of these Don't be anorexic or bulimic If you can help it Which one is better? I'd have to go anorexia Yes, we're both agreed on that

Just because vomiting is so gross And so awful And starving is bad But you're going to starve yourself on bulimia Anyway It's the same feeling You just are adding vomiting At the end of the day, vomiting is gross

And so anorexia is king I don't want to talk about vomiting anymore That's over with I'm trying to think of any funny questions worth reading People are just kind of like You shouldn't do this But people are giving advice They're like this is what will happen if you do each of these

Oh what does it say Is it really upsetting I'm not upset I'm not mad and I've never been mad I'm hungry and I don't want to become less hungry I'm hungry too And it is my fault for not being set up When people got here

people well well jeremy i also wasn't set up for that's true you had to you had to put in your shadow realm horse yeah i had to go in my card box and change cards i looked away for one minute you guys are talking about cards we do not discuss cards on this program jeremy what are you looking at i had nothing there's not really any good answers on here there's i found the person's account and um i don't know she just seems like a depressed child but i'll read her most recent question was how do i fake my suicide so i won't go to summer camp oh um i guess you could just tell your parents you're considering anorexia that'll probably get you to stay home thanks for writing in how do i fake my suicide so i don't go to summer camp yeah and why do you not want to go

to summer camp most people like that right as kids what if you get your first kiss what if you get to go in a canoe what if you what if it's swim time what if there's a food fight oh color The real question is, summer camp famously ends in the fall. So are you going to have to undo the fake death? Yeah, you'll disappear. It's not usually that long, is it? Yeah, it's like a month or two. I think what you do is you advertise publicly that you're going on a submarine that's experimental in nature.

And then that submarine is then crushed. Okay. and so for a few months everyone's mourning you as the latest victim of these all too common submarine accidents but around august 17th august 20th who drifts to shore holding a floating log well it's somebody who had a great summer doing whatever they wanted and no one had to kiss them thanks for writing this whole question is very anna schlumsky coded who's anna schlumsky the actress from my girl oh she was in a lot of those she was taking her suicide a lot children movies that were sort of depressing uh right you have to be careful though because if

you fake your suicide then your lover might actually kill themselves there you go julia romeo and juliet style it's not worth don't want that no you do not but she's probably a child because she's going to summer camp so maybe she doesn't have a lover i don't know this is much Much more contacts needed, I think. Wait, hold on. Jeremy, don't read this question. I think I forgot to take this out of the DIY thing. Oh, okay.

We don't have to read it. What are we, the next one? Oh, no. I know what it is, DIY, so we can read it. Was this an accident? I think it was an accident, but it is. All right. It's DIY.

We should read it. Okay. Alex says this is DIY. This question is, I have read so much about female squirting. Now I wonder if males can squirt as well, because if females do, males should be able to. Anyone has ideas about it? If anyone has techniques or methods, please answer. Please don't answer that, quote, squirting is just piss.

Wait, wait, wait. The question is, can men squirt? The question is, does anyone have any ideas about it? No, but isn't that all they do? Yeah, it's pretty much all they do. I've never seen a man not squirt. I can't stop squirting. i'm like a damn star you over here the only way i feel it's very confusing because they're not

talking about women squirting anyone has any ideas they're saying that they've read quite a bit about that they're saying that's a fact it's not piss yeah it's something else i'm playing with the lid i'm sorry about that it comes up on the audio he's squirting i can't stop it men can do it two as well um that's just called coming you're not allowed or jizzing it's a form of blast to be sure busting busting one of my favorites you can use please don't answer that squirting is just piss uh it isn't really yeah for sure have you ever had alex's big debate he's always saying that squirting is just piss. I'm always making all these hoes squirt

and then they do it and I'm like, you pissed everywhere? One thing I know about your sexual history is that it's very limited. Sure. But in my public-facing persona, there's a lot of shame for squirting when I'm on my rock and roll tour bus.

Go eat it now! I'm on the wrong board Quit it now Thank you So I'm just saying Different women do different things It's a beautiful subject Now I must say

Could you imagine having sex with Zach DeLaRocca The whole time he's just up there going Quit it now I'm coming now Come on You're just hearing a pedal in the background The whole time tom is in the cuck chair tom that's not that one's nothing tom

my favorite thing about rage against the machine is they do a lot of guitar pedals that one shouldn't have been on there that one wasn't any good that one's good this one's not so good so the answer is yes yeah i just love the like middle school gender politics of like oh girls can squirt guys can too i'm gonna squirt more than anyone yeah a nine-year-old wrote that like when i figure this out i'm gonna learn how i will squirt i'm gonna squirt be the most popular boy in the seventh grade i remember being at um sleepaway camp i went to an all-boys sleepaway camp and then the girls would come for like one day and a little boy i remember one time it always

stuck with me said i'm gonna kick them all in the nuts they would not see that coming no they would not uh what are the answers on this one jay dog uh uh uh that is hard to read it's not jeremy's fault says uh spell it ah q u x x n t h i l a that's just letters um well grow up get a real name she says ah the age-old question of whether males can experience something akin to squirting while male and female anatomy certainly have their similarities the concept of squirting is often associated with the female anatomy due to the presence of the skeins gland as the female prostate these glands play a role in female ejaculation and squirting for males the equivalent would be the prostate gland which can indeed produce fluid during sexual arousal arousal

and ejaculation this fluid is an essential component of semen so in a way you could say that males do have their own version of squirting though it's more commonly associated with ejaculation no wait what they're saying that there's a different squirting no it's it's the same score if you already said it it's if you slam the prostate yeah you are indeed going to squirt They're saying no, though. It is different than women, which is true. It is different than women. But it's also beautiful.

But they're saying it's not squirt. She's saying the answer is no. Well, she says overall it's no. Males cannot squirt like females. But males can squirt, and they won't stop. And they can't stop. My feeling is that women are squirting out the lubricant, whatever that. It's like when your car is leaking gasoline.

It comes out of a similar hole. Yeah. Agreed. So I feel like we've solved this one. This medical question has been debunked. No, it's been proven. Flawless victory. That's right.

That's right. One guy says, no, it's not piss. I squirt constantly at huge amount and can attest it's not pee. I'm a male. Only a squirter knows what I'm saying. Yeah, it's semen. That's normal. Only a squirter knows what he's saying.

Actually, you need to trade your muscles constantly. shit yourself yes baby what are you talking about there's whole genres of porn about semen it's the it's lifeblood of humanity literally yeah literally what are we talking about here i think that guys just need to work out more prepare to even shit yourself yes baby i think they should be drinking more pineapple juice can i read more of this please i like it i also want to say that my um father-in-law this week said he insists on checking out this podcast i think this will be the first he listens to. He's going to like this one. Hi, Father.

Leave it if you feel gross, so make sure to empty everything and take two to three pisses at the start and hell yeah, you push out your guts. It's way longer than that, but I feel like I just wanted to get to there. Two to three pisses at the start and hell yeah, you push out your guts. I want to read another sentence. To make

sure it's all clean, it's funny when they say, hey, it's piss. You can piss only once an hour at utmost, but when squirting, you can shoot water almost constantly for any amount of time. You can keep yourself really at that edge, and it's the mouth of hell and paradise at the same time. I would say it's the mouth of hell and paradise

simultaneously. He's in Abraham's bosom. This guy's name is Murdad Yavari. This is his only answer ever on Quora. I am going to follow him. We are his first follower. Squirt King. This was from two years ago. We can

nickname him the Joker. It may be possible that he has squirted himself to death now there's two comments on his answer and they're both very good hector rio says thank you smiley face best perfect answer i'm 35 and just found out about the why and it's because i'm a squirrel what is that fucking jack summer says can you please give please give some more details of how to do it just look at his penis like i'm here at the garage Just come, regular. How do I get the squirt out?

Why has it got to be so complicated? That's what Avril Lavigne wanted to know. Avril Lavigne has been asking that same thing. She was talking about squirting. We have a mind meld. Let's do another question because I can't read any more of this. Is this one supposed to be on here, Alex? Yes, that one's a DIY question.

What vegetables can I smoke as weed to get high? Weed. Weed for one. Is weed a vegetable or is it a fruit? Yummy veggies. It's a flower, I guess. It's a fruit. It does have seeds.

Oh, so it's just an herb. Well, but it's not. Okay. Sure. We agreed it's an herb. It's an herb. So that says that. But what other things can you smoke to get high?

Anything that's poisonous would make you high maybe before it kills you. That's exactly what someone says. They say, try banana peels. They won't get you high, but the chemical insecticides they spray on them will. But seriously, don't. Well, why'd you say do it then? They're a little prankster. You make up your mind about whether I should smoke a banana peel.

They're a little jester. Oh, I see the Joker has logged on to tell me to smoke a banana peel, but don't. Try a banana peel. Yeah, I've got something we can smoke. Someone says, you're an emotional vegetable. Roll up your finger. What does that mean? Shut the fuck up.

Fuck you. No, I'm not. Shut up, Porco. Shut up, Porco. You fucking Japanese pig. Oh, baby. Yeah. That was really echoey.

Yeah. That's a reverb on that one. Yeah. Little John. Yeah. Datura, I think, is a kind of vegetable, maybe. What is it? They call it night.

some sort of nightshade devil's nightshade i couldn't find it um it will possibly kill you it's very very very intense if he doesn't yeah well dying is like taking dmt it's like the dying is the ultimate drug dying is the ultimate drug brin yeah you're such a poet and that's why we have you on here You really cut straight to the quora. The quor. The quor of the question. The quora of the question.

Let's do, which one do you want to do, Alex? Let's do the quiz course. Yeah, that sounds important. Let's go there. Four score and seven quoras of go. We found some interesting questions, and here they are as the politics segment. Politics time.

You like politics. I love politics. They call me a junkie. Well, here's a very good political question for you. Why are Greek men all gay? How is that political? Well, whether you're red or blue. It's national.

It's DIY. You could say it's international. I think we need to have Stavros Halkias on to answer this question. Let me call him up. We're going to get him on the line. He does have a call in show So that seems like something we could do Yes hello we're Quora

Why are you gay I'm reading here you're gay It's a great question Care to explain yourself now This is one of those questions That has an assumption That is so Far into the deep end

That I don't know how to answer it I will say all the answers on this are Queerly from Greek men Like all the answers are like Ioninus Cosmidus Fuck you you Demonic whore I will kill you

Like I don't know what do you think this guy has to say His name is Nikolas Mavros Okay Nikolas Mavros He says you'd have to ask your dad Your dad What does that mean He's implying your dad is gay Apostolopoulos says your mother

Would tell you how wrong you are If you take some time to ask her, that also implies a distant relationship with the mother. I don't know if it's just me, but I feel like over the last decade, the insult, you're gay, took a real back seat. But then all of a sudden, the Kendrick and Drake beef started,

and everyone was just like, man, he called him gay, and that was so fire. It's like, what? Well, because now it's an oldie. Yeah, it's a throwback. It's a funny joke. it is fun to have it in the context of like and now that we've all agreed we're all fine with it you're gay as the day is long yeah also gay men are back on calling people the f slur which i

probably shouldn't say on your show even though you've been dying to every five minutes quote jabuki quote the jabuki quote tweeting jerry seinfeld and just saying I don't have the bleep on here either. You'd think I would have that one. We don't have a bleep sound on there. We could do an air horn. Okay. That was a slur in there.

Yeah, I was mouthing it. That's what the Pope said. I think it's just because they're so fine with it now. The gays have risen. It's also a fun throwback to being in middle school. It is so fun. What I like about this... Calling girls F-slurs is very funny.

I've been playing with Bionicle. I've never done it as an ally myself, but we're on the ally ship. What I will say... With Drake. Do you need help with that sale? I'm live on a ship. He likes to do lots of songs that are little stories.

Yeah, bachata beat pulsing in the background. Kendrick should have his next album be about being in the Navy. I think that would be an interesting choice for him. That would be a great album Have you ever seen the Tyler the Creator video Where he's in the Navy It's a global force for good It got me out the hood

It's like Top Gun clips Beach volleyball Drake is also there shirtless I'm part of something bigger than myself Drake's kind of like the Iceman I'll be your wingman any day i don't know he sounds like michael jackson in that i just want to say that the one person who isn't greek in this comment section is the top comment and it says a more accurate question

would be why are many but not all gay men greek thank you and then it's 100 greek men being like actually you are gay and this man is ken tetelman and his actually we're going to send you straight Ken's qualification is Atheist since 1958 Openly gay since 1963 Ken has logged on Greek expert That's a long time ago

That's what we call a veteran In the being gay wars His spaces are atheism now And he knows about homosexuality He's also answering other questions About Greek people I think that this is just not really a question but a mean insult that someone wanted to throw at their ex-boyfriend or something

it was wrong to say that about all greeks all greek men not that there's anything wrong with that being greek and gay i think there actually is something wrong with being greek oh well i don't know jeremy the turk has logged on check out this horse i have for you there's nothing going back to ancient history that's right um all right i want to do another question yes please uh let's do the five quos you haven't done those in a while five quo five quo this is not this is not it's not a real car you're fine you can you don't have to pull over it's just the podcast okay here's a question this is diy is it supposed to be five burrows or 5-0, 5-quo.

Oh, the 5-quo. Okay, sorry. Why 5-quo? Totally reasonable pun. I just am bad at them. This question is, why don't lady cops ever have their hair down? You girls are so beautiful.

You gotta hide it away. The lady porcos are so thick with it. I want them to let their hair down. You know, in New York City, though, they do they do there's often i see a little cunty bob cops walking around me like i'm gonna run tickets those cops never have guns though yeah really i've they don't give guns to the women cops no no no the the traffic cops who have cunty bobs they don't get guns okay but when usually they have to pull their hair back tight

in a bun or a ponytail to have a gun. That's the rule. Well, you can't have your hair blowing in your eyes when you're firing the gun. If you see a bob, you can kind of get in their face. You'll be fine. And when I do see them with the bob,

I go up to them and I go, excuse me, I'd like to report a theft of you taking my breath away. Wow. That's beautiful. And then we have a discussion about criminals. Are you a chimp wearing makeup? Because I'm around.

And if I were a chimp, I would be aroused. No, it's from a thing I read. Somebody's posted a picture of a cop who seems like she didn't know she was looking at him. I think that's funny. This is from Officer Nick. This is a new Simpsons character they're trying out. He gave a really long answer about women and hair

and the rules and all that stuff. I want to start being one of those people online who insists that New Simpsons is good. Yes, it's so based. You've got to try out Officer Nick. It's a based show now. You're going to love Homer born in 1987. Millennial Homer.

Millennial Homer. They should just... System of a dough. I think that would be an interesting idea if they just completely wiped Simpsons and then started over with a new show, but they all had the same names. That would be interesting.

So it's a different type of guy. He's not a boomer. He's a millennial dad. he's like really into harry potter he's actually really smart he like he like invests in in like nfts and stuff sure and all his parents his kids hate him instead of choking bart he invest in bitcoin there you go yeah stuff like that now that would be a show and the and marge is like a is like a influencer home flipper right oh yeah she has the same voice this just seems like a new idea for a tv show i'm becoming that's pretty good i can't do any of them other than marge so

yeah that's the only one she's an easy mark yeah she is she's a good character but they look different but their names would be homer and margin barton lee yeah of course don't have a non-binary cow man simpsons 2020 that could be good uh i want to read some of this really long answer from officer nick about the women cops he says uh some i'm just like skipping around a bit because he talks about the hair for a while but then he starts saying sometimes people resist arrest too when that happens anything in reach becomes a handhold i don't know about you but if i were a female with long hair i'd probably tie mine up too so it doesn't get used to so it It didn't get used as easily to drag me onto the ground or rip my head all around.

Criminals have no rules against not hurting or killing female officers. Unlike cops. Long hair is one way they could do it. Women officers have enough to deal with, like, this kind of bullshit. And then he posts a picture of a police officer, and it says, she's definitely in the wrong field. Because she's so beautiful. She's so stacked. She should be a stacked model.

She should advertise the app Game of War. And he says, why is she in the wrong field? because she's pretty. You want me to play a fake game? We're going to play fake games on Quarators. I used to be a cop. Now I'm playing a fake game on a huge television in a bathtub.

Whoa, I'm pulling the floor out from under a skeleton and the room fills with lava and I'm so beautiful. And what's this? Above it is a Millennial Simpsons. Like and subscribe. The Hit Me Show.

Oh, it's the best idea we've ever had by Brady. What's the name of the what's the name of the new anti woke cartoon that I was just looking this up. Mr. Burcham. That's what it is. I looked this up yesterday because there's a whole Tumblr group of gay children who who are shipping. Yes. The Adam Carolla show.

Yes. With the like liberal gay hippie character. the show is just like 30 minutes of like you can't say this because of the fucking non-binaries will throw you in the trash and then the non-binaries are like i want to fuck him so for those who don't know this is the new cartoon by adam carolla that he tried to make for like 30 years and it's now streaming on the daily wire plus it's considered the drawn together of now a show everyone but us remembers i loved that show as a kid the pikachu was funny i wanted to be spanky oh yeah the pig spanky yeah shut up porco i walked right into that one i can't even

be mad about it he was a porco yeah they all fucked very explicitly they did they did it was like a garth ennis comic but not funny and they also they had sexy lady characters who would just well they'd have sex with each other that was like a joke this was a show for children brown yeah no it wasn't for children it was on comedy it was for like edgy kids i was 13 years old it was very important to me there was like the spongebob character yeah i never really watched it because i i watched a couple episodes i didn't think it was that funny it was less funny than spongebob but i did like it spongebob was very i was like 10 it was doing something for me on a sexual level it was definitely on and i was like i don't have friends sure what else would i be

doing i have the ability to play video games and have this on so that's what i'm gonna do what if link was gay that's like one of the characters what if superman was gay yes what i like about um playing video games while you have a tv show on is it's like the most wholesome way you can black out that period of time from your brain. So you'll say, what was I doing yesterday? There's like six hours missing. And you'll be like, oh, right, I consumed too much stimuli at once and my brain just went dark.

That's not how I feel. Okay, let's do one more question, please. Okay, we've got one more cop question. That's so wrong. Can we talk about the law for once? This is our final question. Hypothetically, if I killed someone in unquestionable self-defense and then butchered their corpse, i.e. removed their hands,

removed their feet, removed their head, disemboweled them, etc., would it negate the original self-defense? Now, this is extremely specifically what Robert Durst claimed he did to that one woman, right? Oh, I haven't seen the show. You gotta check it out. Haven't watched the jinx. I haven't seen the show or heard about the real story.

Okay, I'll tell you. Robert Durst killed a lot of people, but one of the people that he did kill and he was arrested for and then put on trial for, he killed her shot her in the head right and then chopped her body up and dumped it in the river now he was very wealthy so he claimed this was in self-defense and he won the case and you can see in the show he turns to his lawyer and they say not guilty he turns to his lawyer and he says they say not guilty like even he was shocked but that was his defense he goes he's like i freaked

out and i chopped her up and put into little pieces i'm the greatest to ever do it robert is fascinating he also had 10 dogs not at a time but he had a dog named igor who mysteriously died and he got a new dog named igor that mysteriously died he did this 10 times they're just killing dogs so he's a serial killer oh yeah he's a full-on serial killer a little of men and dogs famously the jinx check it out i haven't seen season two now i didn't know this was a thing everybody knows about i thought it was a quirky question i think this is a quirky question but This is probably written by Robert Durst. Yes, in May.

I don't know how many people are going to connect the two. I don't think anyone's talking about Robert Durst. But he did do that. And he got away with it. And he got away with it. So legally, you can. You can do it. As long as you whoopsie hard enough with a good lawyer.

Yes, if you are very wealthy. Sure. My feeling about self-defense is that it's not as cut and dry. You can't just be like, whoops, self-defense, and everything's hunky-dory. I think it's state to state on that one. I think if you just straight up murder someone in Texas or Florida, they're like, we love that. Was he on your property, though? Durst was in Texas, I think, when this happened.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. So they loved it. And he's also a famous real estate guy. It is important to my ideology and heritage that if someone is on your property, you legally have the right to murder them for any reason. There you go. Your Honor, we were both wearing 10-gallon hats. I think we can all assume I was in the right on this.

He said my hat was nine gallons. I couldn't take that line down. So I killed him, and I chopped him up into little pieces. You should have seen the draw from the hip. And then you're just in court being like... Throwing the gun in there. Yeah, doing the Dante cutscene move. I'm just reading some answers here.

Angel V. Devil May Cry? Yes, Devil May Cry. He's one of the best draws I know. Check out Dante from Devil May Cry. Dante is such a cool guy. We've got to get him on the show. He rides around on skeletons' bodies like they're a skateboard.

So cool. Angel V says, this is a really interesting question. I hope that someone with experience in criminal law will answer it. Anyway, in my opinion, it won't negate the original self-defense as you did after. It's separate crime altogether. Obstruction of justice. Mutilation is a crime in some places. Yeah.

Desecration of a corpse. I just like that he's just like, that's really interesting. I hope someone who knows will answer. Anyway, you're fine. Well, it's actually a boon in a heavy metal context. So there's, you know, if you're in a heavy metal state. Now, Bill Gray, whose qualification is a survivor of 17 presidential elections, he says. Why, that's a fucking ton of presidential elections.

He says, it's definitely a much harder sell. That's true. To the jury. Yeah. Truer words were never spoken. Everyone's like, you're fine. You're fine, dog. chop those they're like you might get in trouble for a different crime but as far as self-defense

go i can't imagine anyone convicting you they're not even gonna find the body dog you're good you're gucci mane uh one guy says um good grief what have you done lol lol just hand yourself in mate if you've done it now otherwise take a deep breath before you strike that unconscious cunt in the head with a sledgehammer Well, what the hell? Relax. His answer's taking a turn here in the middle. Ask yourself, is it really, really worth it?

Okay, what's the worst thing that's going to happen to you if you let him live? Chances are you'll be on the receiving end of something far worse. And let's use a forgiving type. Put the sledgehammer down and walk away from his body. The guy's already dead. You brought up the sledgehammer. You brought up the sledgehammer. We're all talking about cutting

Not hammering There's no hammers involved You're not doing yourself any kind of service Spreading their body around with a hammer This is his only question ever From May Following him as well Probably Robert Durst

It could be I hope so It takes me so long to disassociate Robert Durst from Fred Durst Robert Durst He is dead but maybe he faked his death To avoid going to summer camp Oh Oh, well, folks, that's Quarrior.

Thanks, everybody. Brynn, thanks so much for coming on Quarrior's America's Favorite Quarrior Show. We're going to listen to find you at home and abroad. You can find me on Twitter at Keenum on the Graphia on Twitter. You can also follow my band at Stay Inside Music. Follow us on Instagram there. We're going on tour to Toronto next month in June. Not sure if the July one.

oh yeah and also in july with the wonder years uh some cool stuff coming up um i think that's all i don't know we have a record called ferried away please go listen to it you're on a tour of the wonder years in july that's awesome thank you that's so cool what a brag to impress me specifically yeah we're only playing three dates but it it is north carolina knoxville and syracuse that rocks that's awesome okay if you'd like more

of our show every Thursday we have bonus episodes where we go on other websites Reddit mostly I'm not gonna lie to you and say

it's not Reddit we're going on Facebook this week we're gonna interrogate the alien we're going back to Facebook we've never done it

before I can't wait to go back to Facebook I don't think we've ever done it we're going back we certainly have

we have to ask a question on Cora before we end this episode fine do you have any questions you'd like to ask Cora

my boyfriend won't stop squirting what should I do alright great no no no yes also what is it what is he doing also put what is it in there okay that's it for us that's the show bye